On any given day the phone will ring and it will be my dear, dear friend Selena asking me if I'm sleep

. This is how our conversations start. Yes, she calls to ask if I'm sleep. If I was sleeping,it would turn into a frightmare. Im jus sayin .Even though I will be in the grocery store check out line at 6pm (and granted, I do go to bed early, so I'm up at 4am. Why doesn't she call me and ask me at 4am ,then? I'm jus sayin), I can't resist the chance to respond sarcastically, Yes, Selena I'm sleeping."'In fact ,I'm sleep shopping and talking. "Thats right," I'm In the store shopping, but I'm also sleeping and talking too ". Selena chuckles. I continue with," If I was sleeping would I be on the phone answering that question"? Selena and I go through this introduction on the phone for a good ten minutes instead of saying" hello". In fact, the words hello never come out of our mouths. It's usually just an endless barrage of sarcasm, wit and humor, that only the two of us can understand.We won't have it any other way. Its gotten so good or bad, that when she's nice on the phone I hardly recognize her and have to end the conversation. Its sick . Its twisted ......I love it!!!! It's so good that she says" You don't like me when I'm nice on the phone you only like it when Im fussin". It's so bad that its true. It's just like being married. I'm jus sayin. I don't like talking to her when she's being so nice. I don't even know who she is and I will ask her what has she done with Selena (Just like in the movie Invasion of the Body snatchers).. I tell her to save the nice for her husband. I would laugh at if this were on tv. After almost 40 years of friendship, a jr prom and hundreds of miles apart , we have remained friends. Our friendship has been like a long running sitcom . No drama just intrigue mystery and laughter.. Even though she is married to a gr8 guy and is the mother of two boys, I still say WE are married. (the jr prom) We are the perfect terrible spouses. I jokingly say to her that we are married when we are in the middle of one of our "episodes',which are always colored with me threatening to NOT divorce her, and Selena questioning me about why I wont divorce her in her Mirantha De La Hoya Vera Cruz Cardinale accent." Por que" in her most ethnic accent is her response . Yes an accent .And...Domincan at that . Okay?Its better to stay "fake " married and make her life miserable the way real married people do, and not divorce her to make her happy. I'm jus sayin. Our marriage has absolutely nothing to with tradition. Right down to living 600 miles apart with different real spouses Thats why our marriage works.Because we don't live together and we don't particularly like each other. our marriage is not based on anything like love and respect or honor or any of those ridiculous things. Selena will say something so(jokingly) mean over the phone that I have no choice but to respond (in my broke back mountain voice) "I just caint kwit chu.". "And I will never divorce you, because it would make you happy, I would never do that to you, you save the happy for your husband"..Then I spice it by threatening to tell her husband that she and I are really married....( I don't think he really cares though). We both break out in laughter over the phone . This banter goes on and on for most of the conversation which could last for hours with me putting Selena in her place, (though I'm sure she's going to dispute the fact ) and me threatening to NOT divorce her. (did you ever hear of such a threat? NOT to divorce) That means that you have to stay married and unhappy with a fake spouse.(while being married to another) It's like a spoof of the show BIG LOVE on HBO only it's called BIG STUFF ( or COSA GRANDE ), with Selena aka Mirantha Vera Cruz De la Hoya Cardinal playing the wife who has two husbands. Me being one of them. There are a lot of other shows that our friendship by default, spoofs in real life ,like the United States of Tara, Starring Selena as Mirantha....Cardinal in the lead. She was made for it. She is an actress after all. I'm jus sayin.

I would definitely watch that show if it were on tv....especially if it starred me in the lead.......and co starred Selena. Another episode of our show would start out like this: I'll be on the phone with Selena and there will be these horrendous sounds coming over the phone The only way to describe it would be.....I cant even describe it . Normal things like running water or aluminum foil tearing across the cutting strip on the box sound different because a phone can exaggerate noise. Especially that "chik phone Selena has. Being the smartass I'm supposed to be, my response to this would be "Oh It sounds like you're preparing dinner". I hear you mixing rocks and stones in a metal pot with a metal spoon. mm mm." Or I might say after hearing that thunderous crashing sound ",Oh, it sounds like you are making some smooth and creamy mashed potatoes".She is more like Betty Rubble in the kitchen than Betty Crocker. Thats because she watched the Flintstones as a kid and I think Betty Rubbles cooking skills rubbed off on Selena. I, however watched Graham Kerr on the Galloping Gourmet.(yes, I went there) and I guess that rubbed off on me . I also watched Dance Fever . Those moves did not rub off on me. They rubbed off and are STILL rubbing off on Selena. More on that later, but back to our story. Selena , not being one to let me have one up on her, quickly retorts with one of her ( get ready get ready...) retorts. I actually don't know what she has said because I have gone deaf from her "cooking" over the phone. I can see her face .Shes rolling and slightly cutting her eyes as she shakes her head, and pruning her lips saying MMPH. Im sure shes doing it now. I'm jus sayin Its seems as thought by default we have become who we are because of what we are to each other. And maybe in part because of some of the shows we watched on tv. I think I took cues from the characters who played best friends through thick and thin near or far. There was a certain honor and loyalty in those friendships along with the zaniness . I noticed that fact after I took a closer look at Selena and I. Somewhere along the way ,we became our own sitcom (starring me , of course. ) complete with characters, our own laughter as the laugh track and house music as the soundtrack. For example, there are the club kids, Clickie And Clackie Back in the mid 90s Selena And I were the one and only club kids. Our club gear consisted of a black turtle neck, black shoes and pants and black overcoat to put the blackberry brandy in because it was cold out. We braved all kinds of weather we wouldn't even drive in, let alone walk in. We were dedicated club kids. If we got drenched in a down pour , fine go in the bathroom and( get ready)....use the hand dryer to dry off . Thats dedication. All the other club kids were making their appearances on Jenny Jones ,Phil Donahue and Geraldo ,we made our appearance at the train station at 9pm to catch the 918pm train to TRACKS NY in all kinds of weather. Thats right, subfreezing and below zero, snow , thunderstorms and all. Sometimes all at once. And still be laughing I'm jus sayin Chicago house music was breaking into the NY club scene

with Marshall Jeffersons"Move your Body and Carolyn Hardings "Memories . ( I know this to be one of Selenas favorite songs) Selena and I would be on the dance floor . Me, being the amazing dancer that I am, of course would be workin it out on the dance floor ,stunning the crowd with my smooth moves . And trust me I still can. And I am jus sayin. Selena would be workin too ,houseworkin it , because it looked like she was mopping the floor instead of dancin on it. I'm jus sayin. We would dance until 11 ;15 pm because we had to get the 11:45 train back to NJ. (Damn ,Cinderella had at least til midnight) After we walked out the club , our ears still ringing from the loud bass and crashing cymbals , we started walking briskly toward 14th st. Even thought NY is a very loud city, and our ears were ringing , we could hear the sounds of our heels clicking (me ) and clacking (Selena) down the street. Thats who Clickie And Clackie were. The Club kids from NJ, who had to click and clack their way back to the train or else........we would be" jus missin "the last train. Again we"d be clicking and clacking on thursday night with our Invites to the Micheal Todd party at the Palladium. As usual I would amaze the dance floor with my hot dance moves and Selena would once again be doing her 'mop' dance. She still does it. She has updated some of her moves though . It would be more like "Swiffer". She has improved. Shes not as good as Bristol Palin or Wendy Williams but,....... I'm jus sayin. In time she will....I hope. Clickie and Clackie (by the way ,Clackie is short for Clackresha, jus so you know.That's how deep we have embraced these characters) have grown into who they are now, because we took gr8 care of them. Though they are not real , . They became real because we breathed life into them and they are alive. But now they are playing Trucco and Cosa Grande. Watch out!! Those two are the imaginations of the characters, running away with themselves , in cooperation with, co created by and starring Selena . Do I see an Emmy nomination for outstanding actress and actor? No. Just outstanding actor. Shhhh,Im jus sayin I would still watch it though. I can almost see the sign. From the people who brought you Clickie And Clackie comes Trucco and Cosa Grande in : BIG STUFF More on those two later, But first this Welcome Trucco, Clackie, Cosa Grande and Miranda, We’ve been expecting you!!!!!

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