Top Secret Rough Draft

Los Angeles Angels Baseball Contract
This Agreement is entered into as of this 7th Day of December 2011 between the Los Angeles Angels (hereinafter referred to as Reluctant) and José Alberto Pujols Alcántara (yes, really) eBay- Profireman Twitter- Profireman

We the Los Angeles Angels, fully realize that with our new $3,000,000,000 Television Rights Deal and MLB being the only major professional sport without a salary cap allows us the leverage to entice J.A.P.A. away from the absolute immortality and unwavering loyalty that he has experienced in St Louis, Missouri for the past 11 years, therefore ruining his legacy. Therefore, we present the following offer to his agent, Dan Lozano (hereinafter referred to as Shady, at best). 1) Jered Weavers name shall be changed to Jeff. 2) Reluctant agrees to pay any and all MLB fines incurred by J.A.P.A as he flips off the third base coach when he runs through his stop sign. 3) All Strikeouts shall be scored “HBP” by the Official Scorer. 4) All Gentlemen Clubs in Orange County shall change their name to “Poo-Holes”. 5) Any extra base hits shall be ESPN's “Play of the day”. 6) Any questions asked by members of the St Louis Media shall be asked in Mandarin Chinese. 7) No employees or fans of the Los Angeles Angels shall be allowed to talk or make eye contact with J.A.P.A. 8) Any radio interviews given by J.A.P.A.'s wife Deidra, shall be downloaded to the internet for all to hear, then immediately removed within 8 minutes. 9) J.A.P.A's number shall be changed from 5 to $. 10) All cast members at Disneyland shall be required to toss rose pedals in front of any member of the Pujols Family walking through-out the property. 11) Shady, at best, shall incur no cover charges, nor pay for lap dances at all “poo-holes” locations. 12) Any and all Homeruns hit by J.A.P.A shall be shown on CNN, CBS, NBC, FOX Sports, ESPN Deportes and HBO within 5 minutes of J.A.P.A. crossing home plate. 13) Diedra Pujols will star in “Baseball Wives” and anyone who disagrees with her at any time shall be immediately transferred to “Housewives of Flint, Michigan”. 14) Glen Beck will receive an all inclusive luxury box for $1 per year. 15) All google searches for “Tebowing” shall redirect to 16) The Rally Monkey's name shall be changed to “Rorry Mangay” 17) Salary Structure- 10 years, $254,000,000 OR 2.5 times the 2011 World Champion St Louis Cardinals entire roster, whichever is greater. 18) Any errors will automatically be given to the player on the field closest to J.A.P.A. 19) Baseball Tonight will not be shown if J.A.P.A goes hitless in a game. If these conditions are deemed acceptable, J.A.P.A will receive a 10 year Personal Services Contract during which he agrees to attend opening day and be carried around Angel's Stadium in a golden chariot by Arte and Carole Moreno at a salary of $250,000,000 or the estimated net worth of the Los Angeles Angels, whichever is greater.

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