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(10:58:19) Azara: I don't know..

I have so many things in my head and no one to talk to them about, because no one really cares. It blows. (10:59:42) * Blank will listen. (11:08:40) Azara: I really don't want to let you into my head.. because I don't want you to think different of me but.. I guess it doesn't really matter. I'm very unhappy. All the time. Not like.. my usual depression. I'm just.. so unhappy. So unsatisfied with life. I'm lonely. Extremely lonely. Despite people loving me and wanting to see me.. I'm still alone. No one really cares how I feel or what I want. Just what they can get from me. I want someone to love me for who I am, not what I can do. I want to be respected and taken into consideration. I want people to listen. No one ever just listens. I want to smile and actually mean it. I don't want to feel forgotten or cast aside.. I can see so many things.. I can understand everything.. I'm so smart.. Yet sometimes I wish I was stupid.. So I just didn't know how bad things were. So I couldn't realize it and I couldn't see it.. I wish I didn't know. I wish I didn't know anything sometimes.. It's all too much. It hurts. (11:17:06) Azara: You don't have to respond to that by the way. I'm done. Just needed to keep myself from overflowing. (11:18:30) Blank: Where to begin? Even the nicest people will always have some sense of selfgratification. Even you. It's unavoidable, and maybe a little disconcerting, but it's human nature, and an unchangable part of life. Not to be confused with simple greed, though. We all continue to live because our brains automatically tell us to do what's best for ourselves, not the other person. I'm not gonna lie to you and try to paint myself as this selfless heroic figure. But I do give a shit about you, and I'll be honest: You have more than most people do. I went through a stage of my life where I just woke up wanting to go back to sleep... forever. Every day. I was miserable.But I realized something: Friends may fade or turn on you, lovers may come and go, but you can always decide how much you matter to yourself... Not them. (11:19:41) * Blank just laughs and puts his arms around her shoulders, squeezing tight. (11:27:39) Azara: All of my life I shut myself in my room and closed my curtains and locked my door. I was alone.. all the time. That's how I liked it. My childhood wasn't the best. I grew up going to sleep to screaming and crying and death threats shouted so loud they reverberated off of the walls and shook the entire house. Abuse and rape. Everyone who ever offered me a chance at a better life either left or died. A lot of bad shit happened to me that I don't want to talk about and I ended up sleeping for six days and when I woke up I was so different.. Like someone new. Unlike other people, I do put others happiness before my own. I help people when I have nothing for myself. I love everyone and I think everyone deserves help and love. Friends are awesome to have, they come and go. But, I'm not just talking about that. I have friends, plenty of them. But, I'm not happy. I'm not satisfied. My mom says I have too high of standards for people and I say people have too low of standards for themselves. I don't care if everyone is an idiot and makes bad decisions despite the good one being right in front of their face. I don't care! I just want to be treated fairly. For once! I don't want to put so much into something that ends up being nothing, both friendships and relationships alike. I'm tired of losing everything because I just want a tiny bit of something. (11:28:12) Azara: I don't want to be hated. I don't want to hate. I want to love and I want to be loved! (11:35:42) Blank: You have to love yourself before you can let someone love you. I'm sorry to have to say this, but you're going about it the wrong way. What love is remains debatable, but I can tell you what it's not: one-sided. If I told you that I was in love with you, I could have all my intentions in the right place, all my money ready to be given to you, my body at your whims, and yet it wouldn't truly be love if you didn't feel the same. Love is not a trophy. It's not a panacea. It's not something that you will just find and suddenly everything is fixed. There's no such thing as planting a seed and watching it grow instantly. You need to cultivate it, give it sunlight, water it, even talk to it. (11:36:48) Blank: Love needs to be tended. (11:38:28) Blank: In a way it's also unnatural. It might feel like it was with us all along, but if there were no more humans on this planet, there wouldn't be love. No compassion, no mutual understanding. Nothing. It takes effort and work, merely being around another person doesn't sustain it. (11:47:33) Azara: Darling.. I don't need to be told that. Love myself first? I love myself completely.

I don't think anywhere in there I said anything about me having any form of insecurity about myself. You seem to be taking what I say in the wrong sort of way.. Sigh.. There are many types of love. I failed to even tell you what kind of love I'm looking for. I love my friends. I love my family. Both in different ways. I know how love works. I'm not an idiot, even though I may seem that way to you. In fact, I wasn't even talking about the kind of love you're talking about. Love is to be discovered, not found and love cannot be defined or planned. Now.. What I was saying is that I want someone to care about me like I care about everyone who I call my friend. I want someone who actually wants to understand me and wants to learn with me.. I want someone who is more like me. Someone intelligent and wise and not cocky. I'm getting slightly aggrivated.. I just don't want my life to be about problems anymore! I don't want drama. I don't want bullshit. I want things to work for once! For once! When I say I want to be loved, I don't mean romantically. I could give a shit less about that. I'm content with the idea that no one is right for me, because in truth.. no one probably is. I just want someone to legitimately give a shit about me like I give a shit about everyone else. (11:54:47) Blank: You say that, yet you also tell me you're unsatisfied with how your life turned out, that you're unhappy. That doesn't sound like someone who loves themself at all. If you want to pretend I'm criticizing you instead of offering advice, fine. If you want to pretend I'm calling you an idiot, fine. But when I say 'love', I mean love all-encompassing. There is no distinction for something so universal, and you're twisting my words into categories that aren't necessary. I know that love of kin and love of friends and love of partners are different. As for your insistence on finding a type who is 'more like you'... You once told me that guys always act like you're (11:55:07) Blank: "The one" because they think you'll swoon and fall head over heels for them. (11:55:31) Blank: But isn't that basically what you're expecting? The perfect man to come along? (11:56:24) Blank: Or in this case, the perfect friend. (11:56:57) Blank: I dunno. It sounds like you've painted this idealized picture in your head, and now you're waiting for someone to step in and fill the mold. (12:21:22) Azara: Okay.. Let me try and make this more clear.. The way that you're phrasing your words makes me sound almost conceited or unintelligent in a way. At least, that's what it seems like to me. I've lived in all sorts of living situations, been in all sorts of trouble and had ups and downs in life. I know how to admit if I don't love myself. Believe me, because I hated myself almost my entire life up until relatively recently. I find it insulting that you would doubt my perception of myself, considering the quite obvious fact that is it is myself. Also, on that note I'd like to make it clear that I'm not against admitting things about myself. And yes, I do find extreme disappointment in people. I have my faults and I can openly admit all of them. Now, I believe love differs based up the level of love between two people in any sort of relationship. As for finding the 'perfect' whatever.. You're incorrect. The basic things that I expect from someone, anyone for that matter, are simple and yet are quite rarely followed consistantly. I expect respect, honesty, and appreciation. Is that difficult? I don't think so. That is why I'm often disappointed. But, I don't act rude about it. In fact, I'm still nice and I still try and help and of course, I still love them. But when it gets to the point where none of those are followed then I get a bit upset, you understand? And when this happens over and over and over again to me, all the time, and it forces my life to turn into something unsettling and unsatisfying to the point where the basic needs of life are taken away.. I don't know where I'm going to sleep at night. I don't know when my next meal is. I can't go to school. I can rarely even shower. Hmm, do you understand why I would be a bit.. on edge? Even after I regain some control.. I still have no freedom. Still, I get the short end of the stick and still I give and I help and I love and still I lose respect and honesty and appreciation. Do you understand? (12:24:12) Azara: And adding to the basic needs of life taken away.. on top of this I'm constantly demeaned and talked down to by the people who claim to love me the most. I question why I'm treated in such a way, because I know I deserve better. Not because I'm desperate for someone to fix it all. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------12/16/11 10:21:58 Azara: Life is curious. 12/16/11 10:22:16 Blank: Howso?

12/16/11 10:47:41 Azara: The people in it.. so predictably unpredictable.. planning only to not stick to that plan. Humans in search of schedules and routine.. Dreams unfulfilled.. Promises forgotten.. Only to be satisfied with their own unfortunate decisions. Mistakes are no longer learned from. Dreams are no longer achievable. The consequence of the universe.. Try and try and try.. each try being a thousand failures and mistakes packed into one.. Mistakes.. the human race's best friend. Meant to teach and cause beings to flourish into a beautiful transformation of the soul and yet.. nothing. Humans potential is caged, forgotten and unbelieved. 12/16/11 10:48:44 Azara: Life is curious in that way.. So many things are right before peoples eyes and yet still.. with sight, and mind and body.. They are all blind.