An Ideal Husband Script - Dialogue Transcript Voila!

Finally, the An Ideal Husband script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Julianne Moore and Jeremy Northam. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewin gs of An Ideal Husband. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in th ere and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest. Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts! An Ideal Husband Script

- Your usual, my lord. - Mmm?

Good morning, my lord.

The morning paper, my lord.

"Sir Robert Chiltern, a rising star in Parliament,...

.. tonight hosts a party that promises to be the highlight of the social calendar...

.. with his wife, Lady Gertrude,...

.. who is herself a leading figure in women's politics. "

"Together this couple...

.. represents what is best in English public life...

.. and is a noble contrast to the lax morality...

.. so common

amongst foreign politicians. "

Dear oh dear. They will never say that about me, will they, Phipps?

I sincerely hope not, sir.

Bit of a busy day today, I'm afraid.

Distressingly little time for sloth or idleness.

- Sorry to hear it, sir. - Not entirely your fault, Phipps.

Not this time.

Thank you, my lord.

- Good morning, Tommy! - Morning, Lady Chiltern.

I very much look forward to this evening.

- Miss Mabel. - Tommy.

I hope you can make our usual appointment...

.. as I have something very particular I wish to say to you.

Good day, ladies.

When Tommy wants to be romantic, he talks to one just like a doctor.

Till tonight.

- Miss Mabel. - Lord Goring.

Lord Goring!

Countess, good morning.

- Aren't you going to congratulate me? - Congratulations.

Aren't you going to ask what for?

- What for? - I've decided to get married.

My God! Who to?

That part... is still to be decided.

Good morning, dear Gertrude.

Good morning, Lady Markby.

Allow me to introduce my friend Mrs Cheveley.

Two such charming women should know each other.

- How do you do? - Mrs Cheveley and I have met before.

Of course.

Gertrude.

And to think you married Sir Robert Chiltern.

You know, I was so hoping to meet your clever husband.

Really?

Yes, but I have to return to Vienna on Friday.

Oh, dear, what a shame.

Well, perhaps I might bring her this evening?

Yes, by all means.

- What can I say? I'd be delighted. - Well...

- We'll see you tonight. - See you tonight.

You see, Phipps, fashion is what one wears oneself.

What is unfashionable...

-.. is what other people wear. - Yes, my lord.

Other people are quite dreadful.

The only possible society is oneself.

To love oneself...

.. is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

Yes, my lord.

Their Graces, the Duke and Duchess of Berwick.

Lord Windermere.

Countess Basildon.

.. and, it is widely agreed, the last truly decent man in London.

That you're a very personable man with a most attractive personality,...

.. and you have brought into British politics an honesty and integrity...

A nobler atmosphere, a finer attitude...

And higher ideals.

One mustn't believe everything one reads in the newspapers.

Yes, in the old days we had the rack. Nowadays we have the press.

Your own newspaper being the notable exception, Sir Edward.

Where truth shines out like a beacon and lies run vainly for the shadows.

Bravo, Lady Chiltern!

Do I detect in your conversation a lyricism...

.. not uncommon in your husband's excellent speeches?

If you are suggesting that my position owes anything to my wife,...

.. you are mistaken. It owes everything to my wife.

I demand that you make it known! Without her, I am entirely unexceptional.

And without her love,...

Oh. you evidently do! Excuse me.I have not seen you since Berlin. . Lady Markby. quelle surprise! Lady Markby. All I know is. if I had a jewel for every staring eye! I'm glad to say. You are younger and more beautiful than ever. Mrs Cheveley. Really? Probably afraid you'd be taking his job! Lady Markby.. . The Prime Minister himself was asking about you this morning. Vicomte.. .Five years ago. a serious shake-up in the government looks inevitable now. my dear. . I'm nothing..... How do you manage it? By making it a rule only to talk to charming people like yourself. Chère madame.

What do we know about her? Very influential in Vienna in the highest circles. My dear child.. And are you staying in London long? That depends on the weather. .. . allow me to introduce you to the Vicomte de Nanjac. .Yes. An acquaintance that begins with a compliment. . A force to be reckoned with.Mrs Cheveley... Everyone is! Our attachés in Vienna write to us about nothing else.. My dear. and partly on your brother... .I see you've met my sister. indeed. Sir Robert has been dying to meet you. the cooking. is sure to develop into a real friendship.

Sir Robert.Good evening.Allow me. Thank you. You have a beautiful house. . Good evening. sir.Oh. We're very happy here. Father. as usual! You should be in bed. Lord Goring.I would so love to look around. what are you doing here? Wasting your life. . .How do you stand London society? A lot of damn nobodies talking about nothing! Nothing is the only thing I know anything about. sir! I heard you were at Lady Rufford's dancing till four in the morning! . . young lady. Well.

Allow me to introduce my dearest friend.That's a paradox.. in many ways. It's a pity he never wrote his memoirs.. if I listen attentively. Everyone one meets is a paradox nowadays. ... . Brrrrr! Oh. obvious.Oh.Wonderful man. I hate paradoxes. sir? Yes. really? Whose? .At one time. So do I. wasn't he? Very remarkable. sir.. Did you? . . They'd have been most interesting.Intimately. hm? Do you always understand what you say. .Did you know the Baron well? . It makes society so.Baron Arnheim. conceited young puppy! I have it on very good authority that you have some delightful Corots.

my dear Arthur. . Excuse me.. ...You've met! I did not think you'd remember me. . My memory is under admirable control.Lord Goring. Are you still a bachelor? ...the idlest man in London. I am at Claridge's until Friday. Sir Robert. Mrs.Resolutely so. Cheveley. the Indian Ambassador. . .He is the result of Boodle's Club. Should you wish to avoid me entirely. when I shall return to Vienna. And so. er. are you not just a little bit pleased to see me? Oh.. possibly even less than that. . my dear woman. He reflects every credit on the institution....

Thank you. .I'm so glad. daring speculation. . I like tedious. Besides.. I know. about this Argentine Canal Company.. Yes.. I want to talk to you about a great political and financial scheme. . Oh. in international canal schemes. Mrs Cheveley. you're interested. practical subjects. But the Suez Canal was a very great and splendid undertaking. I don't like tedious. in fact.. What a tedious. And now. . It gave us our direct route into India.You'll find me an eager audience. A brilliant. practical subject to talk about. Sir Robert. It is a speculation. This Argentine scheme is a commonplace Stock Exchange swindle. I have something to say to you. practical people.

I have invested very largely in it. And. . it is a swindle.Baron Arnheim. Who advised you to do such a foolish thing? Your old friend and mine .Believe me... .. . The future of the canal depends. to the House of Commons on Thursday night. I will personally be presenting my report. Let us call things by their proper names....... Mrs Cheveley. of course. It makes matters simpler. . You're far too clever to have done that. on the attitude of Her Majesty's government. I hope you have not invested in it. It was one of the last things he said.

. I will pay you very handsomely. you must not do that. . You must not.I am quite serious.. . what do you mean? . -. My dear Mrs Cheveley.You cannot be serious...I can tell you now..I will be frank. Everybody has nowadays.. I will call your carriage for you. . If you do what I ask. Amend that report to state the canal will be of great international value.. Pay me? You are a man of the world and you have your price. I will be condemning the scheme in no uncertain terms. to say nothing of mine. In your own interests. Will you do that for me? . If you will allow me.

I like being missed...Did you miss me? .. You always tell me about your bad qualities. .. . . and I have got your letter.How very selfish. ...I am selfish. . What are you saying? I am saying that I know the real origin of your wealth and your career. . that you seem to be unable to realise you are talking to an English gentleman! I realise I am talking to a man whose past is less perfect.Really? Are the others very bad? ..I haven't told you half of them.You have lived so long abroad. You are very late! .Awfully. than his reputation would suggest... . I'm sorry I did not stay away later. too.

. I must tell you that I like your bad qualities. Miss Mabel. It shows admirable good taste. I can go to sleep at once. quite so.. good evening..Arthur! . so you would not understand it.. I didn't think you liked political parties.Quite dreadful. I'd be delighted. I adore them. . and I would not have you part with a single one. They're the only place left . Well. . Quite so.. May I have the pleasure of escorting you to the music room? .Why. When I think of them at night.Gertrude. Tommy. Well.As would I. Are you coming to the music room? Not if there's any music going on.. . the music is in German.

It makes matters simpler.. Let us call things by their proper names. and the price I ask is your public support of the Argentine scheme. Now I'm going to sell you that letter back.. . .. I cannot do what you ask me. . Sir Edward! ... Think of. You are standing on the edge of a precipice. Think of their joy and the delight they would have in tearing you down... Sir Robert. and give them this scandal and the proof of it.where people don't talk politics.. The affair to which you allude was no more than a speculation..What then? Suppose I were to pay a visit to a newspaper office.Supposing you refuse. It was a swindle.. .

And so glad.. It is infamous. I so enjoy the cut and thrust of continental politics. Sir Robert.. .. sooner or later.. as we all have to play it. what you propose. ...My dear Mrs Cheveley.. . . Infamous! Oh.. Sir Robert. you had a chance to meet my husband. I shall make it a particular priority. no. I have spent a delightful evening. too.. It is the game of life.... What a charming house. I'm so glad. Though I must confess to some curiosity. Mrs Cheveley.. I do hope we have the opportunity to meet up.

Sir Robert? Now that we have the same interests. Nowadays they crush him. Support the scheme and I will return the letter. Mrs Cheveley. There is nothing to consider. Lady Chiltern. Let me have more time to consider your proposal. Thanks. Your carriage is waiting. another time perhaps. we will be great friends. Will you see me out. I hope. Well. You would disappear completely. . Good evening. Scandals once lent charm or interest to a man. Certainly. Yours is a very nasty scandal. Mrs Cheveley... You would be hounded out of public life. as to the matter of your conversation. Good evening.

.. No man is.My God! What brought you into my life? Circumstances... yes. . You have to pay now. but it is before noon.My doctor said specifically. . this is not my day for talking seriously. Father.You are ... I will give you any sum of money you want. we all have to pay for what we do.. . At some point. Even you are not rich enough to buy back your past. Well. make it Tuesday. Father. between noon and three. What do you mean.. sir? During the season I only talk seriously on the first Tuesday in every month. sir! Ah.

Mentioned you.Did she? She did indeed. Chiltern. really. . You are and you must get a wife. Mind on other matters. ...Shh! Father! I only admit to . . I shouldn't wonder. about this Argentine thing. . Wanted me to write a piece.. Wife?! A shade lacklustre this morning. Quite interesting. I had that Cheveley woman drive by the office last night. Really? Yes.

Can I take it you've changed your position? I wonder what kind of a woman she is. Wouldn't be surprised if she had shares in it.. Wouldn't say what. So the question remains... where to from there.So what did she say? Oh.Mrs Cheveley. Said I should be prepared for a surprise. . outlined the virtues of the scheme. Smallish. What did she say about me? About your speech on it. hm? To the Hartlocks and the Basildons. Who? That woman . that sort of thing. or should we go straight .

I almost wish you were. The things that go on in front of it are quite appalling! The police should interfere! It may not suit a modern girl like you. You could always get married.It sounds quite serious.. I almost wish I were you sometimes. Mabel. except you'd make something useful out of my life and that would never do. in front of that dreadful statue of Achilles.Oh.. Poor Mr Trafford. . It's the "always" bit that alarms me. too. .to the Bachelors' Ball? Arthur. . He proposed to me in broad daylight.... . I could see by the glare in his eye he was about to do it again..... it is. ..

have you been talking to my father? .What would that be? . and a good woman..Certainly not. .. but there is. one extremely effective way. Took her right out of my arms. if I remember correctly. What's that saying about the sea and there being plenty of fish in it? . -. to stop his proposals..Oh.Why? Should I? . probity. I have always said he was a man of exquisite taste and rare judgment.. He neglected to mention that you took the last good woman I know.. of course. no! Ladies! By the way.To accept one of them! ... He was foolish enough to suggest that I model myself on you. Hard work..

Mmm.. yes.. misinformed. I have reason to believe the information I received. I'd be sure to land an old trout. But you told me yesterday. at any rate..Or. I never change.. but I couldn't possibly marry a fish. .But. What a noble nature you have. does it? You seem to be displaying signs of triviality. The question.. . . I now believe there may be some benefit to the scheme.... . except in my affections. Benefit? To whom? This has nothing to do with Mrs Cheveley. was prejudiced..

On the contrary, Aunt Augusta,...

.. I've now realised for the first time in my life...

.. the vital importance of being earnest!

Robert,...

.. you... are telling me the whole truth?

Why do you ask me such a question?

Why do you not answer it?

Author!

Ladies and gentlemen,...

.. I have enjoyed this evening immensely.

Robert,...

.. is there, in your life, any...

.. any secret, any...

.. indiscretion?

.. that you think as highly of the play as I do myself!

You must tell me! You must tell me at once!

Oh, Gertrude, there is nothing in my past life that you might not know.

I was sure of it, my darling.

I was sure of it.

You know, I found it a perfectly charming evening.

And yours...

.. was a perfectly charming performance.

The costumes were delightful,...

.. but for me... Oh!... it was the acting!

Would you excuse me a moment?

- Miss Mabel. - Good evening.

- Shouldn't you be in bed? - Lord Goring!

Father always tells me to go to bed so I'm giving you the same advice.

Passing on advice is the only sensible thing to do with it.

- It's very kind of you to offer. - Don't mention it, Miss Mabel.

But the role of elder brother is being more than adequately performed...

-.. by my elder brother. - Oh, really?

Yes. Charming and delightful performance it is, too.

I think you ought to go to bed straight away, Miss Mabel.

You're always ordering me around.

I think it's most courageous of you.

Especially as I'm not going to bed for hours!

Darling, you will write, won't you,...

.. to Mrs Cheveley...

.. and tell her that you cannot support this scheme of hers?

I might see her.

Perhaps that would be better.

Oh, no, Robert, you must never see her again.

Darling, I know this woman. We were at school together.

I didn't trust her then and I don't trust her now.

She must know at once that she has been mistaken in you.

Now, all your life...

.. you have stood apart from others.

To the world, as to myself,...

.. you have been an ideal, always.

Be that ideal still.

Claridge's Hotel.

- No answer. - Sir.

Oh, I love you, Robert!

Oh, love me!

Love me, Gertrude.

Love me always.

Madam.

So, what brings you back to London after all these years?

Business or pleasure?

I have some business with your friend Sir Robert Chiltern...

.. which is, of course, a great pleasure.

And what is it brings you here tonight?

- I came because you asked me to. - And because you were curious.

- Why did you ask me? - I was curious also.

To see whether you'd come. And you did!

I see you are quite as wilful as you used to be.

Far more. I have greatly improved. I've had more experience.

Too much experience can be very dangerous, Mrs Cheveley.

- Why don't you call me Laura? - I don't like the name.

- You used to adore it. - Yes, that is why.

To think...

.. it was so nearly Laura Goring.

It has a certain ring, don't you agree?

- We were quite well suited. - Well, you were poor, I was rich.

It must have suited you very well, until you met the Baron, who was richer.

That suited you better.

- Have you forgiven me yet? - My dear woman,...

.. it's been so long now that I'd all but forgotten you.

I really must go. I have a pressing engagement.

Really? Well, as you know, I hate to stand between a man and his affairs.

..You are a deserter! .. . . amounts. old man.. this wondrous luxury. .Bunbury... sir! We're a dying breed. I was debating the virtues of the marital state. power. Short debate.. Would you excuse me. . over other men... We must stick together.. gentlemen? Play the next hand without me. for goodness sake! .... to nothing. . And now I think it's time you knew the truth.. . is the one and only thing worth having.. That power...I can't believe it. That all these riches. .I didn't say I was getting married. finally.

. The answer is simple. is information.. . And I happen to know. So now the question arises. thank you. .. I mean. how you become powerful.. . it's well within your grasp. Cigar? Yes. ....This is what I call the philosophy of power. you...... Information is the modern commodity. ..... The answer. . the gospel of gold.. that can shake the world.. personally powerful.

. I wrote the Baron a letter. as usual. Lord Radley was a Cabinet minister. . Later that evening...A Cabinet secret? . I was working as his personal secretary... as the Baron well knew.. Go on. You've never known what ambition is.. In a subsequent transaction. .. highly valuable information regarding the financing of the Suez Canal. by now.. You've never been poor. I believed it then and I believe it now. .And you believed what he said? Certainly.... containing highly confidential information. and. . One night. Well..Indeed. I was the last to leave the office. .

You were worth more. And you? I received from the Baron £ . what does Gertrude make of all this? . should be brought up against me all these years later? Robert.. Now. Robert.. the Baron made for himself three quarters of a million pounds.. no.. I entered straight into Parliament and I've. . Is it fair that some act of youthful folly. I got exactly what I wanted. No.... I've never looked back. life is never fair! Perhaps it's a good thing for most of us that it's not. Well. No.

Robert. I see.Not to tell her. did strike me that perhaps you might.Oh.. . . But.. Go on. If I were to tell her.... Arthur. . are a necessary luxury in modern life. I couldn't tell her. secrets from other people's wives. but it..... She invariably finds it out. Well. talk with her.. .... But no man should have a secret from his own wife. really? . perhaps you might. of course. just to talk with her. My dear Robert... I would lose the love of the one woman I worship.. .

It's just that Gertrude can sometimes be a little.Mmm. and closest friend.Soften her head a little.. very keen. .Yes. Oh. I'm delighted to find you showing such a keen interest in women's politics.. and I just thought talking with you might perhaps. Lady Chiltern.. that was most inspiring. You are her oldest. .. . Wonderful speech! Well. I had a bit of a late night last night.. .. Oh... I'm so glad.. Well.. it has been known.. So I gather. Thank you... Arthur. . I'm so glad to see you. . hard-headed. I must say.Are you? . yes.

.. by its own nature.. on getting to a certain point. What I mean is. Really? He seems a little distracted of late. too? I suppose I..I wanted to talk to you about Robert. .... must hold innumerable stresses.. if he has to climb the crag.. . the life that he's chosen for himself.. Yes... once a man has set his heart and soul.Yes. full of countless compromises. You've noticed it.. . Yes. a little anxious... I mean... .Compromises? ... he has to climb the crag. In a way.

on a subject about which I know absolutely nothing.If he has to walk in the mire. indeed. then. I'm only talking in the most general terms... written some foolish letter to someone.. ... Arthur. Oh... What do you mean by a foolish letter? I mean. any public figure. he has to walk. Of course. years ago.. my dear Gertrude. yes. in the mire. . Go on. Indeed. Yes.. No. Supposing a public figure. Well? Well. a letter ... I thought those were your favourite subjects. had.. my father or Robert even..

but I'm afraid I'm a little out of practice this morning. Lord Goring.. of course.. Arthur.. that you are wanting to tell me something. is that if for any reason. Oh.. . Good morning. it won't occur again. dear Gertrude. .. Seriousness would be very unbecoming. I should like to. What I really want to say.. .. Pray be as trivial as you can. come to me at once and know that I will help you in every way I can. please don't say such dreadful things to Lord Goring. I cannot help but feel. .gravely compromising one's position.. Gertrude. you are ever in trouble. I'm putting an imaginary case.. you are talking quite seriously. you must forgive me.. I like you to be serious..

. I hardly know myself. I'm sorry. thank you. Oh. if Arthur escorts you in my place? As long as he promises not to be too serious.Well. do you. I really ought to be going..Then I shall be delighted..I've received no invitation. I swear on my life to be utterly trivial and never to keep my word.Then so shall I. won't you? Yes. I'm not in the mood for modern art.. Mabel. . .Besides. I've observed a worrying trend. My dear Gertrude. You don't mind. . Will you be there tonight? . but I still don't know why you said it. you have now. You will remember what I said.

So. ..Goodbye. . I suppose. until tonight.. Miss Mabel. .Mm...I'm sorry you didn't. Eight o'clock... Eight o'clock. I was not a little disappointed. It is too late now.. Lord Goring. . I shouldn't think so for a moment. So. I was..I wish I had brought you up. . leaving just as I arrive..I'm sure you were badly brought up. then. So! My dear Sir Robert. . Lord Goring. What dreadful manners you have.

. PS ...If I should be in the neighbourhood. Laura Cheveley. and to learn that my proposition held no interest for you. . . I might just pay my respects to your charming wife...... Yours sincerely.. I wonder whether the matter would be of any interest to her. . this higher education of women. Another time. ... . to receive your letter.. won't you sit down? Thanks...... I can't help feeling that this disturbing new thing.... Perhaps I have failed to present it in sufficiently persuasive terms. Mrs Cheveley. perhaps.

They do. You have married the perfect husband. I haven't time to be idling around here all day.. . I need hardly say. That is the one thing they never understand. I had better set forth. and that's not far. A very good thing too. The higher education of men is what I'd like to see. dear ladies. will deal a terrible blow to happy married life. dear Gertrude. It might break up many a happy home if they did... is it? With regard to women. Except their husbands. dear. I dare say. modern women understand everything. Men need it so sadly. He's got as far as he can.. And now. I don't think man has much capacity for development. dear. But such a scheme would be quite unpractical. Not yours. Gertrude.

Now.Goodbye. Wonderful woman. . isn't she? Talks more and says less than anybody I ever met. Gertrude.I hope I never will. Goodbye....... and never to attempt to contact my husband... . .Mrs Cheveley. -. I see that after all these years you've not changed.. . my dear. of your schooldays to talk over.. ... .. Lady Markby.. that I wish you never to return to this house again. No doubt you have many pleasant reminiscences. No.I should be idling somewhere else shortly or I shall fall behind.. I think it is right to tell you. . . I'll see myself out.

.. . You dislike me. And yet I have come here to give you some advice. Would you apply that rule to everyone? Yes.. without exception.. I am aware of that. very sorry for you. of a dishonest action may be guilty a second time and should be shunned. and I have always detested you. Gertrude. Then I am sorry for you.. Gertrude... .Life has taught you nothing. I hold your husband in the hollow of my hand... I thank you for your sympathy. . and if you are wise . but it is your departure I would prefer. A person who has once been guilty.. Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we dislike. I don't mind your talking morality..

How dare you class my husband with yourself! Leave my house! You are unfit to enter it! Your house? A house bought with the price of dishonour.. Ask him what the origin of his fortune is. .. .. everything paid for by fraud. Go at once. Get him to tell you how he sold to a stockbroker a Cabinet secret. You've done your worst now.you'll make him do what I tell him. It is not true! Robert. Learn from him to what you owe your position... ... tell her it is not true! Go..

.No! Don't come near me! . . I think you'll find the worst is yet to come.. A thing noble.You.Listen to me! How could you? How could you do that. to the whole world! .... I must tell you! Don't say anything! You were to me. You have until half past ten tonight. you will not lie to me! ..Let me explain.Don't touch me! . . unless you meet my terms... . something apart from common life... Tell me it is not true.. pure.. Robert? You've lied. Lady Chiltern.Tell me it is not true! . please.Let me tell. . ... .Dear Sir Robert..Gertrude.

Yes..The world seemed to me finer. I'm sorry. my second buttonhole.. ... a really well-made buttonhole is the only link. my lord. Very sorry.. You know.... .. between art and nature. .. Get out! Ah.. . I-I suppose I should... Should I? Go. go.. Phipps... and goodness more real because you lived.. much better. because you were in it. .

Makes me almost in the prime of life.Take my cloak off. sir! You see. I recently made a resolution not to have visitors on Thursday. Hmm. . . . Mmm? Well. Phipps? I don't observe any alteration in your lordship's appearance. . Glad to hear it.. Can't stand interruptions. my God! How delightful to see you. Oh. very well. it makes me look a little old.. my lord.I don't think I quite like this one. .Is it worthwhile? Of course.No.You don't? .. between and pm. eh.

God! Good evening. especially through someone else's eyes. I feel a draught. No. Afraid I don't follow you there. My dear Robert. We can talk about anything then. As far as I can make out. Put my cloak down. . Father. I'm going to see it through at all costs to my health or yours. Why don't you go home? I will come and see you tomorrow.No. sir. sir. sir. you seem to follow me everywhere. I hope. I hate seeing things through. in this room? . Oh. Father. sir.No draught. I feel it distinctly! So do I. A dreadful draught. Arthur. I have called with a definite purpose. the fact is I really am horribly busy tonight..

But if you wouldn't mind waiting for a short while. so am I. I need you after all. Gertrude. . My love is in ruins.Mmm... I'm afraid she has. Robert.But... Arthur. .. . A lady is coming to see me on particular business. I am right in the middle of giving my performance of the attentive son. my life fell apart. . God! When you left this afternoon.. I must speak with you.Oh. Gertrude has discovered the truth? Yes.. I am coming to you now.. Oh... Come in. I'm sorry. .

His lordship is engaged at present with Lord Caversham.. No-one else is to be admitted.. . madam. I understand. Father.Yes. Phipps. . Tell them I'm not at home.. His lordship told me to ask you. . my lord.Yes. I understand. His lordship will come to you there. How nice to see you again. my lord.. madam..Show her into the drawing room. This is a matter of the gravest importance.. . . to be kind enough to wait in the drawing room for him.Arthur. madam. How very filial. Good evening..

sir! I use nothing else! . Marriage is not a matter.Yes.Lord Goring expects me? .. of affection. do we? . . sir. madam. madam.It is the privilege of our sex. Certainly.. But women who have common sense are always so curiously plain. I don't care for that lamp. on the subject were very precise. I'm only speaking from hearsay.Quite so. . No. And we men are so self-sacrificing we never use it. .. it is a question of common sense.. Light some candles. .. It is too glaring. sir..I use it. No woman has any common sense at all. Are you quite sure? His lordship's directions..

sir. I-I see... I am coming to you now. What was that? Nothing. . Oh... Thank you..Mmm. Gertrude. Father.... madam.. I'm afraid his lordship's not at home this evening. It is the secret of your mother's happiness. I hope not. very heartless. You are heartless. When you left this afternoon. madam. Thank you... nothing. my life fell apart. my lady. . Father. .. There we are. so my mother tells me.

between us now and I fear I shall never bridge it. . Arthur. Oh.I'm sorry. how much Gertrude means to you. As you keep saying! . Arthur... my dear fellow.. I'm sorry.... I didn't know where else to go...Yes.. There is a wide gulf. .. how much you love her. I don't know what to do. . .Not at all.Is she in there? . last night you were telling me. Robert. my lord. Lady Chiltern. More than anything in the world. I fear she will never forgive me. Surely there must be some sin ..

Perhaps. .. .. ... . but I doubt it. I feel certain that she would pity you. even at this moment... the regret you feel about your past. regret.. Arthur. if she could hear you now... Regret? Yes. But she loves you.. she is pitying you.in her past life.. praying that she might once again be in your arms. that might help her to understand yours. I feel certain. I don't believe Gertrude knows what weakness is. God grant it. The debate on the Argentine canal is to begin at . . any sin.. There is something else I need to tell you about. weakness. Robert. She cannot but forgive you. perhaps.

.. I. I do apologise.Arthur.... no.. Let me look for myself! . have decided.I heard a noise from next door. .Robert. . . Is there someone there? .No. Robert.I have made up my mind what I'm going to say.. ..If there is no-one there..Robert. you are unnerved... there is someone in that room.. Sit down.. yes. for God's sake! Do you give me your word of honour? Oh.. What was that? Nothing. There is no-one. you didn't. .

.. ... planning this for some time! We have never planned anything! Except marriage.Robert. .. You can't have forgotten..I beg your pardon? . Lord Goring..... devious and deceitful. . and treacherous.Good evening. So how the devil do you explain her presence here? To be quite honest I can't. scheming.. She is. we were engaged for at least three weeks. ..And you! You are false as a friend.. Sir Robert. but I must state she is guiltless in this matter. I take it you two have been..

sir... I give you my word.... . Goodnight. You have lied enough upon your.. When I saw you the other night at the Chilterns'.No.. sir. . . I appear to have caused something of a commotion. word of honour..My price. I've arrived at the romantic stage. but.Robert.. you've come here to sell me Robert Chiltern's letter.. Sir Robert.. To offer it to you on condition. entirely well suited to each other! .Why did you break it off? You seem to be.. .Yes. How did you guess? . So... Oh.What is your price for it? .. no.

Arthur. I will give you Robert Chiltern's letter... that you marry me. I'm afraid I should make you a very bad husband. So. .. I don't mind bad husbands. on the morning of the day. My dear Mrs Cheveley. .Yes. . They amuse me immensely... Here is a chance to rise to great heights of self-sacrifice. . That is my offer..Are you quite serious? . I think you should.. I've had two.. if I've ever cared for anybody. ... Quite serious..... I knew you were the only person I'd ever cared for.. ..

I'm going to give you some good advice. you loved me once.. I'm honoured. . Ask me again. Bonsoir.. you can spend contemplating your own perfections. Never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.. Ask me now. For the privilege of being your wife. My dear Lord Goring.... I am ready to sacrifice the greatest prize in my possession. . . I do that as it is..Arthur.. .Mmm? .. My dear Mrs Cheveley..The rest of your life. You asked me to be your wife.

I suspect. about which. that is what lies at the heart of love.. I'm going to tell you..... To give..... .. And yet... at all..... ... .. that love.. you underestimate us both... Love cannot be bought. Dear boy. . I fear.I don't seem to be able to stop myself. I know so little. And I sense it is not in my power to give to you.. .... the notion is a stranger to us both.... if we are honest. . nor is it in yours. it can only be given.. . .. and not expect return. though. I admit..

as will any feeling I've ever had for you. . Mrs Cheveley. Crush him and your power dies with him. that is our dark secret.. I admire you... .. Your coming here tonight is the first whisper of it.. that it takes great courage to do. If you ever loved me.. Prove your affections to me and give me the letter. .. And for that.... Give me the letter.. .... Something. Yes. And surrender my position of power? The future of a great man is in your hands.. it is something we both long for.

I felt it worth a try. when. . suddenly remembered you were due to meet Arthur.. And I take it you reject my offer? I fear I must. .Mabel..Gertrude! . I..I did love you. tempting as it seems. I understand and respect you all the more for the attempt. . I know... . I know. Even so. I must admit I never thought you did.. True. in truth....... But not that much.. . it's little more than blackmail. I know.

.. ... are you quite well? ..And yet. free. . as when I'm with him. No. strange. I'm not at all...Me? Yes.. I wouldn't be too sure.. You mean he's not here either? Oh. .At least somebody remembered.Gertrude.. . I'll look out for you at the Commons where at least I'll see your friend submit.. Could we talk? All I have learned leads me to reject and revile him for what he has done! . I've never felt so.And yet? I have never known such joy. . as when I'm lying in his arms.. of course.

.Come now. I'd stake my shirt on it. I'd probably wager my entire wardrobe on his integrity.. . If. as you suggest.. Go on.. What confidence. then shall I give you his letter to dispose of as you choose. now I consider it.. I discover it to be a rather charming big idea.. We both know how dearly he values his career.. . and... he stands by his principles. . I look forward to him proving you wrong.. and condemns the scheme.Your shirt? Indeed.In fact. a rather charming little idea has sprung into my head.. . . I anticipate it keenly. Would you stake your liberty? My liberty? Mmm.

as I project. .Then I give you my hand in marriage. .I do. . Concede. . how elegantly I have eased from proposal to proposition.. you and I. . I'm most impressed.But if. he surrenders to my demands and publicly supports the scheme. . too.. And with barely any loss of face. . then.. .. I accept your wager in all confidence.To dispose of as you please.Precisely. Are you less certain of your friend's nature when your own future rests on it? Not at all. there is a certain thrill to it..You must concede.... I await your response.You do? .. We are creatures of compromise.

. Whatever it may be.. and to me... Arthur. And I believe. . . isn't it remarkable.. sir. that its outcome will prove particularly interesting to you. . for Witney.. I believe the Prime Minister himself has taken an interest. . . .. I believe there is an interesting debate there tonight. how those two little words can quicken the heart? Would you do something for me...Good evening.Good evening.. Gertrude? Accompany me to the House of Commons. . Chiltern..Oh. Damn! The Honourable Member..

. I believe this excellent scheme represents a genuine opportunity.. very singular interest. . but I have developed a sudden.. Mr Speaker..I beg to ask the President of the Board of Trade..Married yet? .. on an increasingly vital portion of the globe.Ask me again in half an hour. the projected Argentine canal merits the nation's attention and support.. . Neither did I.. to extend our trading routes and to stamp our authority... in politics.. Didn't expect to see you here. to what extent he believes... What? .. . .. . Excellent speech. ...

. .. Hear. to investigate this scheme more thoroughly. Since I last addressed this House on the subject.. for his articulate contribution to the debate. I beg to ask the Under Secretary for Foreign Affairs.Nothing. . .... sir! Let me first of all thank the Honourable Member. ... .. and to grasp fully the ramifications of our lending it support...Arthur! . to clarify his position in respect of the proposed scheme... I have had the opportunity. . . that I was. hear! Answer...The Member for Cheltenham. ....Shh.. .... I have to inform the House.

. an infamous fraud at that. A corrupt investor with nothing but self-interest at heart... that this is indeed an excellent scheme. or should ever have any chance of success. particularly if you happen to be a corrupt investor....... ...... It is a fraud. Now it is my utter conviction that this scheme never should have had. An opportunity... A genuine opportunity.. in my original perceptions.. . .. Ow. ow! I find that now I must agree with my Right Honourable friend. . mistaken.. .. and that I have now taken a rather different view.

.. a kind of moral blindness. merely to beget more power.... has long been a great commercial power.. .. ... irrespective of the true cost to the nation's soul..Our involvement would be a political fraud of the worst possible kind! This.. hear! . which threatens to strike at the very soul of this nation! The only remedy that I can see is to strike back and to strike now! Hear... . Now it seems there exists a growing compulsion to use that power. ...... .. great nation. .. commerce without conscience... And it is this sickness... money merely to beget more money...

.....Hear. To start again.. to shed our...... in the face. hear! . .... it seems that we do... have a genuine opportunity. to step unshackled. and to look our future. after all.As we stand. ... into the next century. One honest chance. squarely and proudly.Bravo! .. . .. ..... . hear! Order! .. . . sometimes imperfect past.. As we stand at the end of this most eventful century. Hear...

. you see... . You might even confess to some faint and secret regret at its outcome.Really? Oh. .. .Look.You must agree. . Arthur. Bravo. It seems I underestimated you. Robert. in the end. Sir Robert has come to no harm.Sorry if I've spoiled your plans. it has been a romantic interlude. Mrs Cheveley! And a lady must always honour her bets. I'm not really quite as wicked as you suppose.. Come back with me. . . Sir Robert. yes. .Far more than you realise.Robert. -.Some small satisfaction. For I do indeed feel some slight relief that.. Come back to Vienna.

. . Nor is there anything I wish to hear.. I.. Poor man. Let women make no more ideals of men or they may ruin other lives. Sorry? I can't bear to see so upright and honourable an English gentleman. I know you can never forgive me. you whom I have loved so wildly. Lord Goring.. . I hope that now you are content...Robert.That I didn't disappoint you.. Robert. . as completely as you. I almost begin to feel sorry for him.. .. have surely ruined mine.! I know there is no hope for us now.I've nothing to say to you. ..... being so shamefully deceived. ...

" You stole Gertrude's letter? Losing a man is scant cause for concern. Gertrude. I can't talk now. I'm coming to you now. You've got a good man there.And on such positively pink paper. . not now. It's about that letter you wrote to me! Do come round in the morning... when the letter arrives at his office first thing in the morning.Gertrude.. as indeed he shall. You should try to hold on to him.. . . What are you talking about? "I need you after all. . but losing a man to her is another matter entirely..Oh.. . I must speak with you.. It occurs to me this whole business is really just about you and me. It's only right Sir Robert should know...Deceived? .

. Haven't you heard? You're to be married. I beg your pardon? I gather you are to be congratulated.. I find the pleasure immeasurably increased by knowing what for. we naturally assumed.Lord Goring. I... but when we saw you with that woman Mrs Cheeseley. did we? . about this evening. he does.. Nothing I like more than to be congratulated. Your father says. tell you to who? No.. Did he. Congratulations. -.Oh. Does he? Yes.. by any chance.. . Miss Mabel.

. . Oh. ..Yes. And one does not see anything until one sees its beauty.. that I've seen anything I quite like the look of yet. really? Mmm. .. In which case. Well. really.. I have something vitally important to say to you. You see. Oh? To look at a thing.. is quite different from seeing a thing.... are presumptuous. really? Yes.. the fact is your assumptions. we did. .. I'm not sure... Really.. Oh.. .

Lord Goring? Um. and I'm even surer... and I'm so full of interesting information. I can't find anyone else to talk to.. No. Then I don't wish to hear it.... Goodnight... no. .. I don't think so... I'm sure that nice Mr Trafford will have something to say to me. I will be quite charmed to listen! Damn! It is a great nuisance. I feel like the latest edition of something or other. . Mabel.Oh. Do you have something you wish to say to me.. Well. ..

" Goodbye. Lady Markby. ... . that for me the future seems strangely uncertain...... follow his father's advice. And what of the present? Well. ... So do I.. Mrs Cheveley. I do hope we see you in the near future.. There comes a time in every son's life when he must indeed... after some consideration. "To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance... . but I fear. I shall go to bed at once. .. as a very dear friend once said to me.. London will be the lesser for your leaving... there's so much to do there's only one thing to be done. dear Lady Markby.

. my personal favourite is shortly to unfold.. it certainly didn't look that way. Mrs Cheveley. isn't there... Ah. There's a great deal of difference between looking and seeing. . May I see it? Mmm. my dear Arthur. Thank you. . and sadly lacking in scandal. what a good friend you are to him... . Oh. my dear Lady Markby. Consider it a parting gift. Well.. that is what you were doing with that woman Mrs Cheveley? Mmm.... Miss Mabel? Oh... So.

To us. What? That I intended a.. With a single man? You want me to tell him that? It's scandalous! It's also the truth! In this case. . A secret rendezvous. There's a rather popular saying about frying pans and fires. no. yes. ... . I couldn't. Only this time it is you and I who are to be roasted.But I couldn't possibly tell him. So you want me to tell him.. Arthur. secret... I think it is better he should know the exact truth. But the truth is we're not out of danger yet. it may be our best option.. Oh.

.Then may I do it? Certainly not.... my goodness.. And you must give me your word that you never will. when Gertrude sent it over... but you left in such a hurry. That you will never tell me what. Last night? Yes. Oh... Gertrude! But I will give you my word.. What does this mean? Robert. So this letter is intended for me? Well. I had meant to give it to you last night... you didn't think. You are wrong.. of cour. .. You couldn't possibly think that. Lord Goring? Robert.. .

. Come on! It's true. the address on the envelope is yours... I remarked I was shortly to meet Lord Goring... I delivered it myself. When you mentioned the letter.. after my rehearsals. . you did. I called in for tea. Well. Robert. old man. You did? You did? Um. As you will remember. . She knew that when you left here you would come to me at once. Gertrude.. Certainly.. .. as we had an appointment to visit the exhibition.. it stands to reason.....The name. ..

. And that's exactly what Lord Goring proceeded to do. I delivered the letter to your office this morning.. Namely forget it.. . . I forgive you. Sorry..... the fact of the matter is.. . before he even saw it. Is this true? ... Thank you. We're both deciding whether or not to forgive him... ... apart from two studies in grey by Whistler. at the Grosvenor which... a fact which I find most upsetting on behalf of myself and Mr Whistler. I still haven't heard a word of apology! Um.. was exceedingly forgettable. And. for he never appeared. you know. In the meantime..

makes me feel that nothing that the world can do. ... can harm me now! .. because I love you! I."When you left. Y-You need me.. Gertrude? Y-Yes... my... Why did you not say that you loved me? Oh.. Gertrude? Yes.. my life fell apart.... " "I need you after all.. I do not care what punishment or disgrace is in store for me! This letter of yours. . . " Your life fell apart.

I'm sure I'll think of something.. Miss Mabel. I. I felt sure that my future was in ruins. When I finished my speech last night. Oh. Miss Mabel. ....! I-I don't understand! We have much to thank him for.. wait! I. Miss Mabel. . Oh. I wasn't so sure about my own. Robert..... I don't know how to thank you. In the meantime.There is no disgrace in store for you nor any public shame. When you began it. er.. I'd be grateful for the return of my hand.

It is? Er. . .Well. I'm afraid it is.Actually. ..That makes the second one today.Tommy Trafford. .. it is.Ah. .. yes or no? .. well. .. have something very particular to say to you. not.What? . Is it a proposal? Well.I know.. but today is Friday.Well. .Oh dear.. . He proposes on Tuesdays and Thursdays during the season. . yes.I am so glad.... It is one of Tommy's days for proposing. yes. . I think it is.

..A seat in the Cabinet! .high character.I've important news for Chiltern. Usual? Well. . . You didn't accept him. And then we'll see how you do. as usual.. You have got what we want so much in political life . My dear father.. . did you? I shall be in the conservatory under the second palm tree on the right.You well deserve it. too. what are you doing here? Wasting your time.. .Why are you here? .. Second palm tree on the right? The usual palm tree.. sir.Today is special. when one pays a visit. it is for the purpose of wasting other people's time.

I agree with him. and never will have. I have decided to decline it.. cannot accept this offer. You agree? . Decline a seat in the Cabinet and retire? I never heard such damned nonsense in the course of my existence! I beg your pardon. sir. I.. . Will you prevent your husband from making such a..I admire him for it. I think my husband is right.Good heavens! . high principles. Decline it. sir? It is my intention to retire at once from public life.. . high moral tone.. Everything that you have not got... Lord Caversham.

I admire him immensely for it. and tell him Chiltern won't take the seat. Very sad indeed. Both of them. I suppose I'd better go back to the Prime Minister. Lord Caversham.. . They're not an old family. .. . Not yet. eh? Idiocy? Hereditary.. If you'll excuse me for a moment. I'd rather you took a seat yourself. perhaps. too.. I shall write at once.. to the Prime Minister. Can't understand it.. What is the matter with this family? There's something wrong here. Lord Caversham.

It is Robert who wishes to retire from public life.. Yes.Has he not been punished enough? .. set him down now too low! It is not the perfect but the imperfect who have need of love. sir. Rather than lose your love.Really..I want you to talk to somebody.. . . Father.What about? About me. Arthur. . he would do anything. hmm? Not a subject on which much eloquence is possible.Go in there for a while. I set him up too high.What are you prattling on about? . . . Gertrude. The usual palm tree..It was he who first said so. Do not. . then.We've both been punished. Second palm tree to the right.

.. Even more courage to see it in the one you love..... Lord Goring. Father..You seem to know a great deal about everything all of a sudden. Do not be afraid to use it... Thank you. . ahem.. well. -. old man... . I hope not.. you have something.. . you have more courage than any woman I know. All I do know.. Can't say I hold out much hope...... you wish to say to me? . is that it takes courage to see the world in all its tainted glory..Um.. . . Dear Gertrude. and still to love it. Oh.

.. May I? Of course. . No! No. you say? A good one. Oh. a reason. Miss Mabel. yes. Lord Goring. if you need time to consider.. well.. I must say this comes as quite a surprise... Well. I need a reason. Marry me.Robert.. M-M.. . What? A reason why you think I should marry you.. um.Marry me. I'll just.... . I don't need time. Um.Oh.... Oh.

goodness! Hold me. Robert. ... my wife! . you've forgiven me? Oh.I love you..I love you. Robert! Forgive me. when I asked..Gertrude! It is enough to know you would sacrifice it. all of us. We have. . Women as well as men.. feet of clay. Is that your reason? . . I-I suppose it must be that. Can it be that.. I love you. Oh. Gertrude! Gertrude.

which you don't.I-I-I know. you'd know I absolutely adore you. Well. you silly! If you knew anything about anything.....Really? . you never would've believed me.... couldn't you.... why didn't you mention it before? Because.. What the devil's going on in this house? ... ..Mmm. I said. . .Mabel. . . I love you.... Well.. .. dear boy. love me just a little bit in return? Arthur.Mmm. ..

would be safe in your hands... I don't think her happiness. . .You wish to marry Mabel? Yes.. as a matter of fact. Robert! I have to consider Mabel's future happiness. I'd like your consent to our marriage. . As much as I care for you.Congratulations! If the country doesn't go to the radicals. . You are your sister's guardian. No other woman has a place in my heart.. I wish there was something I could do to repay you. . Arthur.Oh. we shall have you Prime Minister! Thank you. . Well... Darling. Arthur. But I love Mabel.It's quite out of the question.. there is..Oh. I'm so glad! ... Robert.

... . Arthur. but how can I possibly allow you to marry him. ... Very well. Mrs Cheveley was concealed in his rooms. .. It would be wrong of me.. Arthur. when he's involved with another woman? I'm sorry.. . Mabel. It would be unjust to her.Shh. I'm very sorry. ...... . When I called on Lord Goring yesterday evening.. why should they not be married? I shall tell you. I then discovered that they were at one time engaged to be married.. if they truly love each other.But.

... well... Well. the business about Mabel and Mr Whistler. Another woman? You mean...... ..... quite another woman. and.... that was just.. there is nothing I can say.... um.... ... my friends being kind... to find Mrs Cheveley there last night. . protecting me.. . not for Arthur. He was expecting.. .... the truth is. when I agreed to the story.. the truth is.Mabel. about the letter being intended for you and. You see. . . Robert. ..... Arthur was as surprised as you. Er....

. I don't think I should like that. What do you want him to be.. .. well. An ideal husband? Oh... . Father! I need a drink! Me too! If you don't make her an ideal husband.. my dear? I think he can be whatever he chooses. you see.... then.. . The truth.. the truth is. . You don't deserve her.... I lied! Bravo... sir. ... I'll cut you off with a shilling.. is...

if we men married the women we deserved..My dear father.. sir. Special help by SergeiK ############################################# Beauty Shop Script .. You are heartless. Honest. Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts! Beauty Shop Script WJLM Hotlanta.. Oh. the Beautyshop script is here for all you quotes spouting fans o f the movie starring Queen Latifah . and that fine-ass Michael Vick! Michael. I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally twea king it. You won't hurt my feelings. I know ... feel free to drop me a line. home of the Hawks.Dialogue Transcript Voila! Finally. we should have a very bad time of it. the Atlanta Stomp. If you out there listenin'. quite heartless. This script is a transcript that was pains takingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Beauty Shop.. so if you have any corrections.. . . I hope not. . I know. I hope not. sir.

Come on.You missed. baby.Come on over to WJLM ard touch down on a sister's backside. .Darnelle. Nana. Look at you! . sit down.. satisfaction guaranteed .Leave me alone. . Hey. I know you be dippin' in my closet and I'm not going anywhere until. Baby! Holler at your girl! Call me anytime Call me if you need someone to talk to Call me. you see my blue sweater? . .. Darnelle.Leave me alone. Your girl Helen's got an end zone you wouldn't believe.

I guess I'm ready. have you seen my blue sweater? I ain't seen it..Go ask your mama. I'm back here. thanks. .Mama! Stop screaming. Mom. Alicia Keys has the same one.No. . Lose the hat. Nana. I can't find my blue sweater. where you pretty much leave everything. it's not a pimp hat. Well. good for her. You almost ready. baby girl? We gotta go. That's because it's in the truck where you left it. Okay. . You ain't strollin' up in school with that pimp hat on. it's fashion. I'm late.

Wait. . Fly me some fingers.I see my blue sweater. Go ahead. .Why send me to a performing arts school if you're not gonna allow me to be creative or express myself? Sounds like a contradiction to me. "Sounds like a contradiction to me. Hi! Told you. .Yeah. Go ahead.Perfect. they do. .Yeah? Do you think these pants make my butt look big? ." Lose the hat and the attitude. I'll meet you in the car.Vanessa! . .Yep. get out.

too.All right. Hollerirg with Helen in the morrirg Hotlanta. He got a sister smilin' like she just got a thousard-dollar credit ircrease on her gas card and ready to get pumped! . Love you. Thank you very much. She was right. how y'all is? H hope y'all feeling somethin' like me. 'Cause your girl Helen is doin' quite well. Yeah.Love you. I reckon y'all checkin' my good mood this mornin'. One of my many mens-es came through last right and got crunk with my trunk. . have a good day.. Can't believe it. If you know what I'm sayin'. See.

but I'll be so doped up on Vicodin.Y'all know I ain't lyin' to you. Joanne. Don't even worry about it. I'll get the hair. For real. Dr. I'll talk to you later. don't do it. I can't go. Kopelin says it'll take like a week or so to recover.. who cares? Okay. I'll holler. girl. no. bye-bye. Holler at your girl Helen. Just keepin' it real. You just come on in and we. Or you know what? You'll be going hot and heavy with your boyfriend. All right. For real. I'm telling you. I have my consultation later. Finally getting those implants. . Yeah. we'll see you at : . Joanne. No.. Kopelin says it'll take like a week or so to recover. Dr.

Hey. Do you know why? .Oh. Joanne. So. my God. . Oh. forget about Jorge. . that thing fly right out your mouth. when you getting the implants? Soon. I swear. because Jorge only likes us using Jorge products. Is she now? I thought the best thing to ever happen to Jorge's was Jorge.Because you are beautiful.Well. you know.Why? . you don't need that. you gotta keep that on the low. Besides. you look fantastic. Gina! It's amazing.he squeeze too hard. My God. You look incredible. you're the best thing that ever happened to him. girl. . You just have to give me a bottle of that special conditioner you make.

Gina is a miracle worker. Well. baby. so next week? I'll be here. you have a gem on your hands. worker. about that. Gina. So. nice work. just remember that in doing what you do. . I got some crow's feet screaming for some Botox." As in the name on the building. you're actually doing what I do. Sweetie. I gotta run. ja? "My nigga"? What? "Moniker.Yeah. Just doing what I do. . the person whose name is on the moniker.Jorge.. She's a. Great to see you. Thanks.. what Jorge does. .

"Ma-nigger"? .That's what I thought he said."Ma-nigga. he can work a flip. ja? You need to learn how to pronounce that correctly. you whites. You got a dictionary? I gotta look up this word: "ma-nigga. Well."Moniker"? . . you can't really say that word.You said. that being said. you just have a marvelous day.So. . Jorge's time of the month again? Let's go get some lunch.Don't you ever say that again."My nigger"? . anyway. "My nigga"? . but that's what I thought Jorge said! The guy can do some hair. .What? You know." ." . I could use some air.

.Girl.Why. .At least you got a chair. .Well. I always wanted my own shop. Those are my models. . Well. if it means anything to you. thank you.. What? You did this? Girl. . What do you want a shop for? Too much of a headache. you'll get out. you always got a chair in my shop. Jorge is trippin' not giving you a chair. Pictures from a hair show I worked last weekend.But he's a idiot to work for.I'm stuck in shampoo hell. . Oh. when I get a shop. let it be soon! I've been dying to show you something. this is good. dear God.

all I got to do is hear her play to know why I put up with Jorge's nonsense. sell my own products. I want my daughter to have the best. Rest his soul. I'm just gonna kick back. . though.But it'll happen..Yeah. stack my chips at Jorge's. at this point. . She don't have the same passion for it since he died. And try not to kill him. But still. it will.Yes. you know? Hell.Shoot.. just like her daddy. all I want from my daughter . can't she? .She can play. . Until then. Vanessa getting accepted into that expensive-ass music school just moved it from Chicago to here.

Great to see you. Sometimes that girl make me mad enough to chew bricks. seven kids? I'm telling you. . Don't mess your dental work up over it. the girl put on a pair of pants that came down to the top of her burning bush. We going to make another appointment.is some common sense and some clothes that fit. Jorge. Don't be afraid to hop on top. ja? .. Gina. touch up the roots.Ja.I don't know. You look absolutely fantastic. you got. Thank you. You know. a man like a lady in the streets and a freak in the bedroom.. Terri is here. . .She gonna be all right. what. Listen. .

Gina. You might want to find a frame for your memories. . And I just have to look remarkable. Please make sure that she's taken care of. I just have to. get comfortable. How you doin'? Come on. right? Ja? Okay. Dexter. soon as I square away Mrs. Preferably not one from K-Mart. Hey. Jorge's was not named Best Designed Salon in Atlanta for having Scottish tape on some mirrors. Pronto. I'm having this major party for Steven and a few of his clients. Terri. Fine. Right away. ja? Okay. Jorge.I must go to Pilates. I go now.

big party.. do your thing. you know. Go ahead. . I think I can conjure up somethin' for you.So I was hoping that. don't worry. Well. I was just supposed to shampoo till an available chair opens.Big. . Dexter for me? I don't know. I've got everything under control. Why don't you go finish setting Mrs. I got this. Come on back. But. girl. the kids all have play dates. Then it's open. You know what? Lynn. you would do a little of your magic on me. .So tell me about this dinner party. I have caterers. do you see me at my chair? No..

so. I got my special conditioner to take care of that. You know. You havin' problems with Steven again? Yeah.Come on.He does. . . life is just really. You know.Do you think that'll work? . really good. now.Life is good. Don't even worry about it. I am. I try to please him. man. He doesn't hate you.Oh. I do everything. that's good to hear. I just don't know what to do. That's the move right there.Well. Did you get any of them Chinese balls? . . He just looks at me like he hates me. .... I've bought sex toys.

and come on back next week. So don't forget you gotta drink a lot of water. Your cream has just saved my hair. You just sneak 'em up in there and then go. Take care now.Oh. okay? Thank you. I guess. Terri. shampooing girl. Gina..Thank you...Don't stress! Hello. I don't know about that! . I hear they make men go crazy. . Let me give you another treatment. take those vitamins. .I mean. . Have fun! .You're so sweet! ..out.Shampooer. come on. .

. I know it wasn't proper protocol.I hope not. .Have you gone cuckoo clock in the head? I don't remember saying you could leave the shampooing area. but you were gone. this is not the way we do things here at Jorge's. you got some skills on you! Look at this. You are the shampooing girl. So you told her to take a shot. I don't care if she dunked it. So. ja? Look. Yeah... This is great! . Look. And she dunked it. alley-ooped it. Lynn has her license. You should be shampooing. and I was busy and Lynn.I hope I didn't get her in trouble. no? Lynn! Girl. So I just told her to take a shot.

unless you're diabetic. Right? The stylists here. okay? I give the shots. or any of your other little street colloquialisms. ja? I showed you the proper respect when I took care of your client while you took a Pilates class. So if you wish to continue working here..touch-downed it. So you wish to altercate with me? You have no idea what I wish to do with you. they don't work for you. You know. you act like you own me or something. they work for me. I suggest that you get with the program and you give me some proper respect. . You don't get to give shots here at Jorge's..

Now you wanna talk about my mama? So do I own you? Technically. of course I do. Gina. Jorge? I don't need a damn thing from you. Without me.Gina. what Jorge giveth. Get your fingers out my face. you would be back in Chicago. You know what. . Jorge can also taketh away. And. as in "have papers on you"? No. I've given you the lifestyle that you have grown accustomed to. washing hair in your mama's kitchen. like all things. You hear me? And you cannot "taketh" anything away from me. baby. Get your fingers out my face.

Yeah. I quit. You wanna kiss it? I didn't think so! . matter of fact.Oh. I giveth it back.You know. huh? Is it 'cause I'm black? Is it 'cause I'm black? 'Cause I'm black?! Let me tell you something. Shoot. Well. I got a little cushion. Everybody knows I am the shit all up and through Jorge's. . You're going to fall flat on your ass. I quit. You're nothing without me.Can't sleep.What you doin' up? . Outta here. I promise you that. . I don't need this. Snatch my picture off the wall. baby. And what's up with the K-Mart thing. you quit? .

..I miss him. not for this much. There's a difference. But that's not where my heart is. If I wanted to go get a job tomorrow at a shop. Vanessa? Because. you got fired.So do I. Does this mean I'm gonna have to leave music school now? No... I quit. see... But didn't you read my business plan or my letters of recommendation? All very impressive. Please. But. Why would you say that. I can't approve this. but. Mom. . I could.Wait a minute. No. you're missing what we like to call here . It's time I owned somethin'. Miss Norris..

now. Stay still. which is something that you could earn by acquiring one of our secured credit cards." . There.Color.. And that's my lunch calling me. collateral.. race one. as opposed to you throwing around your. okay.. but nature's calling me first. Let me get a look at you. So. woman. Okay. good day to you. I was gonna say capital. Relax. Don't kill me. Miss Norris. No. . .. or I'ma mess around and take your eye out.at Southern Mutual and Savings "the three C's.Credit.

it's your birthday I got a hundred-fifty thou'. I got it? Oh. I haven't seen this woman in years. A new face at the bank.You like it? . Loan approved.All right. go get that cutie bank manager now. Well. I love it. . All right." or is that the way you fight? No. yes! Go Gina. Try not to lose her. I guess that's a "yes. now you got her back. I like it. you. a hundred-fifty thou' .Oh.. There. What? You got your loan..

Not quite that much.. . no.No. Gina. Gina. no..A hundred-fifty. but damn! Girl. Darnelle. No..What? What? No? What? Like ? ? ... Thirty thousand dollars? What kind of shop can I buy with that? Lord Jesus. No..No.Thirty. Tell me how you really feel. . I.I can work with sev.. I'll take a hundred thousand! . Now. .. That's cool. we. this is just straight-up nasty! Thanks. have mercy! Look like somebody swallowed the ' s and threw it up in here. I've been in some messed up salons. Gina. Lower than that? .. no.

And they need to stop. Well. It's yours! Come on. I got an electrician coming to look at that tomorrow. Mama. let's just look at the blessing in it. The realtor told me I'd be inheriting a few stylists. that look like a big ol' hole in the ceilin' to me. Gina.What's that supposed to be? Looks like some kind of skylight. let's make this place sparkle! I'm ready! Let's turn this into Gina's! Turn that music on! . Listen to that. You've got your own beauty shop! Be happy. not a whole damn band. Whoever's up there can play.

Who you telling? . Sorry. I received a message yesterday. . And you are? I'm Gina..And that's my baby. that's Paulette and her daughter Darnelle. Joe's Electrical Repairs. And this is my mother-in-law. Miss Angeline wasn't exactly into repair and upkeep.. can I help you? Yes. Madam C. I'm Joe. it looks nice.You've done a great job with it. . Hi. Vanessa. .Thank you. I found your business card on Miss Angeline's desk. .Well. ma'am. and I was guessing you had done some work here before? A little.There we go.J. .

Now. I just need you to take care of this one thing for me. Neither's the piano playing coming out of it. you see this big ol' hole in the ceilin'? That just ain't workin' for me. Rotting wires. A total upgrade. right now. .Ladies. And the main breaker keeps getting tripped. outdated sockets. you're familiar with the place. .Is that a problem? . So. How bad is it? The place needs a lot of work. so I just need you to take those wires and sort of stuff 'em back up in there so I can patch up the ceiling. A lot just needs to be done..Not if you like standing in the dark. Well. if you know what I'm saying...

what about the ceilin'? Don't look at it. Well. wait. So. mademoiselle? . don't let the doorknob hit you on the way out. Okay. but that's not going to solve your dilemma. Come on. I guess I'm supposed to ignore the piano playin' comin' through it? I'll try to play more quietly. too. How much is that gonna cost me? I'd say between to .. let's say I do the whole upgrade thingamajig.Can you do that for me? Can you do that for me? I could. Wait.. I play piano. Is that right. then. Good luck.

Bye. you know. Mama. That's all. It's gonna take more than a new little paint job . For real. We'll see. I like him. . compared to what they were workin' with before we got here. ciao. So. I just say. Maybe I can come up and play some time? Maybe. what don't you like about the place? I ain't sayin' I don't like it. . You think the ladies will like it when they come in tomorrow? Please. I don't think it's all o' that. Gina. little one. And I like you with this broom in your hand. it's looking beautiful.Ladies. they should love it.Yeah.

It's your shop. Miss Josephine. . It was Church's. Talk to us. no way. what I was trying to say wa. They ain't gonna listen. Gina. Thank you. . I still got waffles in the freezer. Church's. Josephine. go on.and some posters to impress me. I had Gladys Knight Chicken and Waffles cater mine. Say what you got to say.. This coming from a woman who had Popeye's cater her wedding. now.I ain't mad at you.It was chicken. sister. .. All right. Would y'all let the woman who own the shop talk? Go on.

no. Can't be coming outta pocket.. that's Auntie Gina's baby. So. no. baby A-Rod need a new stroller. . as of right now. Got basketball camp. Gina. I can't come outta pocket. I'm trying to create an environment where you can come and relax. Look. Junior. Dang. and little Shaq. Auntie Gina. I'm not gonna raise the booth rent. Right. girl. You got you a little Dream Team over there. this one here is Venus Serena Marion Jones.. What I was tryin' to say was.Go on. look. but I will be making some changes around here. he need braces. huh? And look. What about the booth rent? I hope you don't plan on raisin' it. M.J.

And you never know. baby. You know that poem Maya Angelou wrote? "Phenomenal Woman"? "Pretty woman. we got to change the game a little bit. You ain't got a pot to piss in. no more food on the counters. a Krispy Kreme joint? You need to hush. little sister. wonder where my secret lies? I ain't cute or built to fit a fashion-model size.. Which brings me to this. And in order to be the best. she was! And just like Oprah. hon! Yes.. please. you know. .All right? We are professionals. Yeah. I wanna be the best. what." She's talking about Oprah. Oprah pot platinum. Oprah might come strollin' up in here one day. Professionals. if she mistook the place for.

we have to look like a team. . That's a little syrup spilled on the seat. . You know what? I make you this promise.You can Shout it out. Don't sit.Let's try to keep it as clean as we can.. In order to work as a team.High fashion.What's up? Yo. .Pull it out and throw it in the dryer. I ain't gonna get no food on your stuff.Shout it out. we gotta work as a team. look. . But it look like Louis Vuitton. . They ain't gonna know. That's a white couch. ..Turn it over. .

. ... Come on in. Porsche. no. You right on time. Lynn is one of the baddest hair stylists to ever set foot out of Augusta. one size fits all. Blue Ridge. Mercedes. .Okay? They ain't had none of these with some Kente cloth or somethin' more with a little Motherland flavor.. Maybe it'll slip through the hole. this is Lynn. Blue Ridge.New smocks..What? . how am I supposed to. Am I late? Hey! No. I mean. Maybe right here. a cheetah print? This ain't got no breast flap. Everybody. If l. no. Georgia. girl..

As what? As a stylist. Hell. you ain't tryin' to. no! Hell. here's what I'ma do. have the shop. you know. brighten up the place. no! Come on. You's tryin' to whiten up the place. you know what? I'm sorry. So. I'ma let you and little Miss Blue Ridge. Working here. Okay. here. The girl is talented. For real. And she gonna be working here in the shop with us. what.She got mad skills. Gina. but you doing a little too much around here. okay? I mean. .

them girls got too much attitude. Go on.Do your thang.A'ight. All right.I didn't mean to run 'em out. . girl! Do your thang. I 'bout to slap the shit out of one o' they asses. Y'all can go. are you rollin'? Yeah. no.. whatever. . Better we get rid of the bad apples now..No. Besides. Chanel. don't even worry about it. either. . A'ight. You know. okay? Porsche. anybody else leavin'? 'Cause this white bitch here is stayin'. 'Cause I can't be a part of this. . I ain't gonna be able to do it. you wanna fly outta here with them birds? . no white girl is gonna mess up me and my money.Whatever. Y'all.

That's what I'm talking about. . Miss.'Cause I got a business to run. All right. no. Then where is she? 'Cause I got an appointment. . I bought the shop from Miss Angeline. if you like. . my name is Gina.She die? . Thank you. no.. Well.Excuse me. Where's Angeline at? I'm sorry. Bye-bye..No. . She's no longer here. Gina's Beauty Shop.May I offer you a cappuccino? I don't want no damn cappa-whatever-it-is. she didn't die. No problem. I can have one of my other operators assist you. I need to know something.

Mrs. Georgia." "W" as in "Willacoochee. Towner? Yes. Towner. Towner. Mrs.Willacoochee. "T" as in "Tom. Thank you. "I don't live 'ner' here. Mrs. now. don't let me keep you waiting any longer. please? Of course. Towner.. ." Well." . Towner. Would you like some water or something. Lynn.And "ner" as in. would you take care of Mrs." "O" as in "Othavee. What can I do for you today? . When'd you all get to be so integrated 'round here? This morning. Mrs. Hi. please.. Come on.

you know what I mean? But he wouldn't even move back. . . Good for you.. Well. sweetie. Not a problem.and I'm tellin' him to move back just a little bit. though. Here's your water. Miss Towner. or Miss Angeline done come up. from backwood to Hollywood. This is nice. Girl... thank you..Don't give me no 'fro. Just keep my curls neat and tight. what you know 'bout doin' black folks' hair? I'm not gonna screw it up. And then maybe you can pin it up for me. if that's what you mean. Mrs. Well. For real. either I'm still buzzin' from last night's party.

..I like you already. Atlanta Hawks? "Three-point Chris"? That's your husband? Oh. Just a little six-karat keepsake my husband bought me.. I'm Gina. Anywho. too. Miss Gina. .Ladies. Yes. Anywho. my God. Christopher Clark. Can I offer you some cappuccinos? .. hi.Don't mind if I do.. I'm the new owner. girl.Or water? Some coffee? . I have an appointment with Mercedes today. he got game. power forward.Me. . he does. I have an appointment with Mercedes today. Damn! Look at you with that big ol' rock on your finger! You ought to be careful rollin' with that.

'cause obviously this. I know how you like to roll. She gone.. we got rid of all of our foreign cars. And let me tell you somethin'.. damn! I couldn't get a heads-up or something? You know.. Actually. girl. I can tell. You don't play about your look. we should just go on over to Aspire. Well. Well. then. and get in where we fit in.She no longer works here. you could do that or. I will have you lookin' fly as a mug courtside. Well. we'll take Porsche today. You like to keep it tight. I will lay that hair down. you could let me do your hair. .. Did I tell you my name was Gina? I don't play about my edges. too.

but I don't really know you. that big monitor TV that be in the arena... because everybody else gonna be looking at you.Let's do this. I'm so sorry. Maybe Jorge is for me. So where should I sit? No. I can't do highlights. and I'm trying to go with the P-l-M-P look. you know. .I'll have it shining up on that big ol' Jumbotron. My client has an important game tonight. . No. then. Yeah. perhaps Jorge is not for you. I'll do it for free. Well.Great. that's right. You gonna have to just stop and take a look at yourself. .

what's her name? We need to get Corky washed.. You mean Lynn? She quit.. well. Working at Gina's what? Gina's salon. that she was working down at Gina's. Stacy. Come with me. where is the shampooing girl. I left a message on your desk. Today is your lucky day. She called this morning. Don't forget to use a cape. I'll wash you myself. It's not my first day at the picnic.Stacy. She said that if anyone asks. Have a seat. Come again? She quit. Okay. .

Blown out. : . now. take off your pants. Yup. How y'all doin'? . I'm kidding. When can you get me in? . Gina.I can take you tomorrow at .I know all about the cape. it looks good. how you doing? Damn! You a nice little pound cake. girl. ja? Shouldn't I be taking my jacket off? Leave the jacket. Looks good. girl. I just need a moment.I'll be here at : . That's all you? This is my hair. Say. it's nice! Well. I'm booking you. Stacy! Stacy! I'm sorry. don't it? Girl. mama.

sittin' over here. I promised my mama I'd call her as soon as I fell in love. How you doin'? Damn.Y'all want a little chocolate? Y'all don't want nothin'? Y'all looking. then. you could be in it. Gimme a quarter. Shake it like a salt shaker. I figured y'all want somethin'. Whassup. I'm raisin' money so I can shoot my music video. little man? What you sellin'? Candy bars. So. lookin' all done up and thang. you a thick one! You got top and bottom. So y'all just gonna float on past a brother. Come and get low wit' it. . Brother can't get no communicato? A'ight. If you want. See.

I got that.a. a. . Will-Boogie.k. So. What yo' name. from Decatur. And if you want to sell your candy in here. you gonna have to learn how to be a little more courteous to the ladies. Gina. I own the shop. you gonna buy some five-dollar chocolate to go with those healthy milk-sacks you got? Don't bring your little behind back here till you learn how to speak to a lady! That's what you get! . Georgia. Miss Gina. Okay. no doubt.All right.Shake it like a salt shaker! What is your name? I'm Willie. My bad. meal? My name is Gina. That my daddy pawn shop next door. .

's bike. So. . I don't know whose bike this is. Nana.Hey. girl. . It feels good to be home.Can I have one? .. Don't you even try. . girl.She loves me. No.Good. .How's my girls? . how was it? Well.A'ight.J. . . That's P.All right? Go and get cleaned up. .Can you have one? Can I have one? Hey.I ain't even gonna ask. baby. Gina. Mama. Paulette. it was. I know that bike out there ain't yours..

drivin' by my house. what were you. Gina. .I'm gone. your father-in-law had a crooked one. See.You be careful on that bike. he was blowin' up my phone. my girlfriend's phone. So. hear? . it's more trouble havin' that girl than it was makin' her.Bye. This dude was straight trippin'. I must've put it on the brother. So.. I swear. So I did what any other normal black woman would do. Darnelle. . 'Cause the fool wouldr't leave me alone. .Bye. I had to walk around the corner just to get on it.Mama. I mean. .. My mama's house. I will.

I lied and told him I was pregnant. Get a restrainin' order.Ghetto! . Go ghetto on a black man. Hotlanta. .'Cause a white girl wouldn't do this. H ain't lyin'.What'd you do? .Y'all say "ghetto. .That's great.They go down to the police station. Holler at Helen or hit me on my website . .Come on.Ghetto! .. Ladies. I ain't seen that fool in ten years." . .H had to get creative. Basically. A womar had to do what she had to do.. . . Piss the man off ard have him waitin' ir the damn bushes with a butcher krife ready to kill a bitch.A sistah had to get sirister or a Negro. Wrorg or right? I wanna hear from ya.

You know what? Now. don't it? I had to put a little Motherland flavor on it. ain't nobody sayin' the "N" word up in this shop. no ghetto past. no. Look good. Some sexiness. No. I didn't know you could say the "N" word on the radio. ghetto past.com. She can say it.at www." either. white. sweetie. that's for real.how-to-shake-a-nigga. 'Cept for the ones who don't leave a tip. . And no "bitches" and "hos. you could be black. No. she didn't. I forgot. That's for real. you just can't. But we will be wearin' our smocks unless your name is Gina.

I'm just sayin'. "Does my haughtiness offend you? "Don't you take it awful hard "'cause I laugh like I got gold mines diggin' in my own backyard. Her and her Miss Angeloo. "Does my sexiness offend you?" No. Angelou. you know.It's a little too sexy. You might wanna use some of that mud cloth and like. kinda. "Does it come as a surprise?" Ah." Don't dig too deep. . cover up the girls. here we go. Lord! "That I dance like I got diamonds at the meetin' of my thighs?" Lord...

Come on.Miss Josephine. "I rise bringin' the gifts that the ancestors gave. I rise! All right. Helen be talkin' to ya stardin' up. Doin' that torture to yourself! . let's rise our asses back to work. I rise. Hotlanta. "I am the dream and the hope of the slave. 'Cause I just went and got me a bikini wax. now. Damn! That ain't natural. "Leavin' behind nights of terror and fear "I rise into a daybreak that is wondrously clear." I rise! I rise! Yeah.

You don't want him comin' nowhere near it! Man. Okay. You like landscapin'. My man loves it. That's a revolvin' door. I know that's right. girl. . ain't nobody gonna come over to your house if they can't find it.What's the big deal 'bout some stray hair? You be doin' it to look all clear for your man. And it helps 'em know where they goin'. Girl. Well. Gina. nasty heifers. why don't you plant yourself a garden? Please. you can make some serious bling. my man found my door just fine. honey. you start doin' some waxes up in here. But it hurts so damn much.

real men like a woman natural and wild! Girl. girl. You show me a man can't cry. My man likes it trimmed and perfect. I don't. you are preaching to your damn self. Oh. it better be the one wearin' the diapers. No. Well. and that one little tear starts rollin' down his face .. passionate love. I'm gonna let him cry. please... don't you? No.You know. I only got time for one cryin' man. honey. He even waxes his own brows. you got one o' them cryin' men. and I'll show you one that's hittin' somebody. how about when you're makin' mad.and he reaches his climax. And in my house.. .

Ted Turner? Lord. Hey.What y'all want. darlin'! How you doin'? Bet you no good. Miss Rita got catfish dinner. Hell. darlings? . she coulda said Bozo the Clown.Excuse me. sock-it-to-me cake and blueberry bean pie. Get in line? I don't think you understand. who y'all got invested up in here. darlin'? Get in line. darlin'. . .like Denzel Washington in Glory? Then you got him whipped! She had to say Denzel. Look at this! Is that Italian marble? Girl. Rita? How you doin'. Excuse me. sweetheart. She couldn't have said Brad Pitt.

I'm Gina. I'm the new owner of this place.

- And I'd appreciate... - You the new owner?

I'm so glad you the new owner, baby,

'cause, you know, Miss Angeline, well, she used to skim off my fish dinners.

You know, she's a Christian, but I think she La Cosa Nostra.

Hold this for me.

Here, darlin', I'll always have a plate of food for you, Gina.

That's free food. You need a extra piece of monkey bread?

The monkey just jump right outta me. I don't know what happens to her.

- And then lookit, we got the greens... - Oh, you!

Yeah, you, there. Hey.

Could you go ahead and park my car, and just let me tip you later, because...

Shit. Hold this for me.

Terri, how you doin'? One second.

'Scuse me? Gimme them damn keys! What's wrong with you?

Where'd the valet go?

He's... goin' to take a coffee break.

- What are you doin' around here? - Look what Mindy at Jorge's did to me!

I look like a scarecrow!

You saved my hair, Gina.

Well, don't make me have to save it again, girl.

I'm coming here.

Monkey bread? It just come out of me like that.

- No, no, thank you. - For sure?

I made it fresh this mornin'! You gonna love it.

- I got some greens, some okra, knuckles. - Rita, Rita.

You gonna love it.

She says she don't want none.

Okay, my bad. I'm just tryin' to put a little fat on her.

- Take that with you, darlin'. - No, I really shouldn't.

You see, Steven wants me to lose a few pounds.

- Who is Steven? - Her husband.

He wouldn't be singin' that song

if you had one of them J. Lo/Beyonc¨¦ booties.

Or if he had one o' those.

This is the picture I was talkin' about...

Damn! Now, see, that's just too much ass.

See, now, if a plane crash, we could eat for days.

- That's all burger, right there.

- Enjoy the view?

- Take a picture. - All right.

Look at these... Get yo' ass out of my window 'fore I call the police!

This ain't Magic City! Broke-asses!

- You see them pervs over there? - You know, I really do miss Steven.

- Seems like he's been gone forever. - He gone again?

Well, where's he off to this time, Mr. Big-Time Sports Attorney?

Hawaii, three weeks. He's closin' some big deal or somethin'.

He's tryin' to close a deal on smackin' some Hawaiian ass.

Girl, he's down there bein' a Don Ho.

- He tappin' on somethin'. - Tappin'? What's tappin?

- Tappin', tappin', tappin'. - No, Steven's not like that.

He, you know, he loves me.

He just works really hard.

I bet he do.

- I do want to look pretty for him, though. - And you will.

I cannot believe that Jorge passed me off on Mindy.

I mean, that shop is completely out of control since you left.

- Well, good. That's what he gets. - Sorry.

Speak o' the devil!

My angel, sweetness, my God, I'm so sorry.

I heard about the mishap with your hair,

and I want you to know that Mindy has been released.

Sweetheart, don't worry about that. Gina's taking care of me.

Gina who?

You know, Gina Gina.

- Say "hello," Gina. - It's Gina, bitch.

Bye, Jorge.

- That felt good! - Yes, it did!

Can you get her a free cappuccino, please?

- The devil is everywhere. It don't mean... - Be nice!

I ain't talking to that woman.

So what you girls think about that Janice Jackson?

Janet. Janet, baby.

Janet... Jackson.

She's crazy, huh?

- Why she gotta be crazy? - Well, you know, with the titty and all that.

- What's wrong with the titty? - No, I like...

You like titties?

No, I mean...

Yeah. I can handle the girls. white. .I don't know if I'm fittin' in here.. I can roll with the punches.. Who should go is that crazy-ass lady out there hustlin' them bean pies and monkey bread. I know. Don't get me wrong. But the fact is. So. You feel really white as opposed to what other color? You know what I mean. and you gave her to me. but I feel really. .Well. . I know I just got here. as lame as I think they are.. I've only had one client since I got here. I'm not as hip as you guys are. maybe I should just go. really. you just got here..

blam! I was doin' the damn thing.. you gonna grow a big ol' Petey Pablo. you fine. . you can't leave me with these crazy people.. Besides. it was like. And eventually. And so will you. No.Like she got Tourette's or somethin'.I don't know. like when I was at Jorge's. I ain't never seen nobody do nothin' like that. Girl. Lil Jon and the EastSide Boyz. and people warmed up. You know. Shoot. Lynn. Ying Yang Twin booty! . You think it wasn't hard bein' the only "moniker" up in the shop? But I stuck it out.. Got a twitch or somethin'. I knew you liked them greens! You keep eatin' like that.

girl.No problem. . Well. You know. Gina-new-owner? You have some major problems. . Girl. . . . .Thank you. All right. I have to cite you for the discarded equipment .State Board. .Big booty just like Ida got. I'm the new owner. State Board. .I see.I got your back.Who? . I'm Gina.What?! . The oppressor. guess what. turnips did all o' that.Me. too. Gina. Inspector Crawford.I got hungry. I knew you liked 'em.They're good.

Well. I just bought this place. Big Mike's Moving & Hauling is picking that up today. They real. I can't afford to be gettin' hit with tickets like this.you have stacked up out in the alley. "Have a nice day. You sure can't." Now y'all comin'.. man. I been runnin' solo for a month. your timin' is perfect. Y'all slow. he think I'm some kind of slave. Come on. My bad. .No.. and my boss. One more after that and I shut you down. . Next one will be . .They always are. Have a nice day. This is for $ .

.. .Now..Sign here. who does your hair? Your braids is tight. Illegal sale of a restricted narcotic. By the way. Thanks.Possession? . So. Come on.Everything is back there in the alley.A'ight. I did braid all the homies' hair on the block. How long was you down for? Four months. . I do it myself. Then I caught this little case. For real. I used to braid in the shop around the way. where's the countertops and stuff? . why you gotta assume a brother. you know. Paroled out early. But even in the pen.

Thanks. . Dawg. What the hell is you talkin' about? You ain't got no hair.. Damn fine.You like drivin' that truck? Ain't nothin' really else out there.And didn't have a husband. braid your scalp? . how long it gon' take? Our boy is fine. Thanks.. I'd do him in a heartbeat if I wasn't so damn fertile. You got me next. right? I think I was here before you.He is cute..What's he gon' do.. .What? . Well. we may take. .

Josephine...You watch your.. Let me just take care o' her and then I'll definitely gon' get back to you. I promise I'll take care of both o' y'all. . He got a little swish down river. Fifty percent pumpin' iron. 'cause in my mind. . You can't tell by looking at the brother if he's gender-specific.. come on! Look at the muscles on that boy.But she. ain't he? . He is beautiful.. I'm still tryin' to figure out how I'm gonna. somethin' just ain't right. . and the rest from fightin' the brothers off that booty. listen.Ladies. But I'm telling you.I think she was here first.. It's like he's too good-looking..

No.. . No.Yeah. James.Do your thing! . sh. you want a cappuccino? .You want one? . please. ..All shiny. You are so new. girl .Straight diamond in the rough.Cover girl. Let me see if he wants some cappuccino.Dang. . Cappuccino? Swish-swish.. thanks. .I don't know. . . You better work Work it.Here you go. 'Scuse me. I think he's straight. I'm okay.

. Hold on. It's a great day for a press and curl here at Gin. . D? You where? How does a grown-ass woman get herself into this kind of trouble? How was I supposed to know the bike was stolen? It don't matter. .Shante.Work. I'ma let your little butt sit there .Get that phone. Next time..On the runway! ... shante.. cover gir. What up. It's a Darnelle. This is the last time I'm bailin' you out. You gonna have to start makin' some better choices with these men.

and let the chicks from "C" Block pass you around for a carton o' cigarettes. I'ma get my money one way or another. okay? Thank you.You gonna tell my mom about this? . D? You ain't even workin'. look. . .Why raise her blood pressure? Thank you. Look.No. . . Cappuccino? Cappuccino? Water? There you go. I promise.I know that. . I should. I'm sorry and I'll pay you back. I'll find a way. I ain't gonna tell your mama. That's for sure.With what.Look. They'll love a little freak like you... But. Ain't no secret I'm gettin' my money back. .

No. Come shake a little somethin'. Don't look like your mouth is shy to a fork at all. you can come be in it. Why don't you get some business? I got some business.No. You must be like the spellin' bee champ. If you want. Y'all hold it down. so nice and sweet. I'm shootin' footage for my music video. scratch that. . I'm goin' to make a bank run. Is your body named Visa? 'Cause it's everywhere I wanna be. lover. I don't eat or drink nothing I can't spell. Say now. baby. Like you love it. Lookin' like a piece o' red velvet cake.Say it like you mean it.You want a cappuccino? . .

Just as long as you don't mind gettin' it wet. as in Johann Sebastian.. That's the one. right? You ain't gotta wear no fishnet. Dang. you got yo' art. Why you listen to that boring stuff? It's not boring. Bach. Are you listenin' to Pac... right? Yeah.What's that you're listenin' to? .. You could just wear a T-shirt..Let me guess. . too? That's what I listen to. It's art..and I got mine. He the one look like the old dude on the oatmeal box. . Well. .Bach. Classical composer. you probably want me to wear a bathing suit or some tight booty shorts with a fishnet halter top.

A man bag? Yeah. Y'all gon' be too full to walk back. a man bag. ya'll. It's a man bag. Cracker Barrel "bring-a-friend" gon' be over! I'm drivin'. you comin'? . You got some man lipstick in that bag. Lynn.Darnelle. Let's hat up. Is that a purse? Nah. .Now that's a money shot right there. James? They done took metrosexual too far.I gotta stay and watch Vanessa. you wanna come? . It's like the hottest new accessory in men's fashion.

I'll be fine. That's all that is. It don't matter. white. well. I'ma bring you back somethin' anyway. this ain't your mama's shop in Blue Ridge. I did black. How do you get to know someone without trying to get to know someone? Like askin' 'em to lunch? I mean. some folks just feel comfortable kickin' it with people they have somethin' in common with. When I worked in my mama's shop in Blue Ridge.No. Them girls don't like me so much. . do they? They don't even know you. A'ight. Well. polka-dotted hair. That's just racial profilin'. I'ma hang out.

girl. Lynn. is the key. and the shop is fabulous. Miss Gina! I've been seein' everything you have been doin' around here with the beauty shop. I mean. presentation. okay? You could be the best hair stylist up in here. the ghetto. look. it is all about the visual.This is the SWATS. Presentation? What do you suggest? Just wait and see. but can't nobody tell by lookin' at you! Girl. honey! . And you need to show people that you tryin' to fit in... I'm not followin'. Okay. look the part. Just trust me.

and catch it. honey.I'm gonna work it. . . girl. Miss Thing. I know that's right! I done talked to you about slammin' in front of my shop! .Girl.I'll catch you.I'll catch you.That is cute. now. push. girl. fierce! It's fierce! You always gettin' me started out here. . hon..Now. And the pink. It's spring. . . honey. . . Chris.Thank you. . baby. honey.But if you wanna let these divas have it. . because it's spring.Yes.Better work it. Push.Push. diva. push. you gotta have your pink. and you don't want to be caught in suede. you need one of my handbags for the runway. .Come on. .

if you're gonna let these girls have it. my God. Darnelle did that.. right? . you feel me? . See. Lord. Gina! You like it? Isn't it cute? And don't look over here. Hi.Right.. I got hips." Don't shake that baby loose.It sure do. . I'm not one of these so-called salad-chompin' sistahs that weighs pourds with a wet T-shirt on. thighs and don't discriminate against pies. ...It look good. "When in Rome. honey. diva! Oh. I just said.. Don't do that or we gon' get indecency charges up in here. Oh.Right? .

Oprah's on. Y'all know damn well that ain't no staples in the stomach gonna stop you from poppin' one o' yo' mama's famous biscuits in the mouth.But. okay? I'll be right back.Where you think you goin'? .Thank you for comin' to see me. You know Helen's keepin' it real with you. Ladies. Holler! Be quiet. That's what I'm talkin' about.Gimme some of that thug love.I will be right back. y'all. I'll holler. . . Holler back at me. Am I in line? Hotlanta. . Y'all with this gettin' your stomach stapled just to lose weight? That ain't good. .

Oh. huh? Come on. yeah. get with the money train and let's ride..It is a Yiddish word that means.I hear that. They got you twisted.. Word for today is "chutzpah.Who keeps unplugging this? ." It is.What's happenin' with ya? How ya livin'? Oh. Shorty. if you don't. Money train? . do you know that word? .I got a plan for you... hell.Can we go shopping? .. They'll be a'ight. man! I got in some trouble.. . I got somethin' for you. so she got me workin' it off in her salon. and Gina loaned me this money. too. . .

I got that. Excuse me.A'ight then. . Joe. get. .. Josephine! Dang! Are y'all havin' a slumber party? Y'all didn't invite me? . please be home. okay? I'll be right back. you wanna buy some candy bars? . Go on. go on. thank you. come up outta here. I can't believe this. but I just came by here to tell ya that I saw that inspector dude over there at the barber shop. Look. Hey. Damn! Like I need somethin' else to be worried about..Willie. Go ahead. . now is not the time! . Come on.Amazing grace Shut up. Miss Gina.No. just hold him off.Go on over there with Auntie Lynn. sir.

. well. . Please let his sarcastic ass be here. I got cherry. not tonight. apple.I got Kit Kat. kid. I don't have a. how 'bout you buy some candy. I need your help. Okay.. All right. please be there. . Snickers. Okay.All right... I got. . let me grab a shirt. Please be there.You kinda broke. yeah..Okay.Every flavor..Five dollars. Okay. . I'll have a cherry. Mars. . right? And I don't tell the fellas right here that you got a Rolex in that briefcase.Blow Pops. dawg. Come on. please be there. You say you got Blow Pops? .

. ladies. You need to get this place fixed. Bye.I just.. Bye.All right.. I have to find the money to do it. my God! Thank you. . are we the only shop in Atlanta you like to harass? When Miss Angeline owned this place. Joe! Oh. Joe. I'll help you out. I ain't never seen y'all up in here. What. You saved me. I will. Joe. Miss Norris. The generator is only going to hold for a while. .You'll pay me later. I'm just doing my job.

I just told you. Well. A thousand dollars?! . One more of those. Get up to speed. the generator is just temporary. how the hell am I supposed to know about it? I just told you. closed for good. This is a new regulation. but I have an electrician. That's how. It's all very nice. look. very nice. That's how. he's gonna rewire the whole place for me. but there's a new state regulation that says all hairdryers of this capacity have to have their own independent wall plug..All right.. Miss Norris. Ladies. he's coming on Monday.

We need Jesus. In before dawn. . I mean. I mean. it's like I take two steps forward to get knocked three steps back. y'all. how much do we need? Oh.Gina. did you tell her? . We can have a garage sale. we can do somethin'. Can you go down to the bank and ask 'em to increase your loan? Ask for a increase? I'm barely keepin' up with the payments I got now. Now. somethin' gotta turn around for this thing. shit! Excuse me. No. otherwise. I got a little bit stored away. Hey. it ain't lookin' too good for the shop. Lord. Good night.I mean. Gina. Gina.

. and he wants me to be on his next album. What happened to "I'll be right back"? My bad. so now we even. Gina. I ain't tell her.No.. I wonder why. Look at this. Glen gave me some cash. Glen just came down from New York. he has his own record label. I swear Mama stay mad at me. I don't have to work in the shop no more. You can't even sing. Girl. A'ight. What's this? That's the bail money that I owe you. and I hadn't seen him.

Gina. And you wastin' my time! Why don't you use your little money to go buy a clue? Stacy. okay? But. You know what? Shut up. now. I'm gonna let him pay my bills. come on. Joanne Marcus was supposed to be here at : . D. You lazy and you wastin' your life. Darnelle. 'cause you sound real stupid right now. I don't understand. please! You know I don't get down like that. you eat in the back. Come on.What'd you do to get that money? Now. if a dude wanna pay my bills. And this is not a coffee shop. look. Okay? You just lazy. Doughnuts! You killin' me. . If you want to eat.

You wanna feel them? Maybe later. Joanne Marcus! Terri. And I'll even restock the shelves while I'm at it. I did. where'd you find her? Look at you! Oh. why not? Everyone else is. Had my nipples done. what you doin' with that hair? . You grew. Girl.If you change your mind and you don't want any. And not a moment too soon. they'll be in the back. too. I ran into Joanne down at Saks and told her how wonderful your new place was and dragged her down to see you. Eight thousand a pop. Yes.

I found every fat you could find to put in my greens. So. Did you get yours from Bernard at the Piggly Wiggly in Decatur? Piggly Wiggly? Yeah. My hair misses you. too. He works here? That he does.I know. how many grams of fat would you say are in a plate of your greens? Baby. Gina. Matter of fact. your timin' is good. if you had to take a wild guess. my greens is all fat. Girl! I got the same purse. . My chair is open. is that monkey-fish cat-bread lady gonna be here today? Bitch. Gina. Well. He sells thongs.

I got fatback. Some o' your magic what-what? It's not no magic. Please tell me you have some of that magic potion hair stuff for me. . You know I do.You should cater. pork chop. ham slices.Talk dirty to me! .That's right. . salt pork. Say it with me. franchise. It's just some conditioner that I mix up in my kitchen." . and I got bacon bits in these greens. Vienna sausage.That's right. . What? Mix up in yo' kitchen? What is it? Hair crack? The stuff is great.Baby. Think big. Sho nuff is! .Fat is good. "Fat is good. . pork rinds.

It's conditioner. hey. you know I wanna be the next big thing. I know a few corporate vendors on the beauty supply side. I'll see what I can do. Why you holdin' out. I will float you a damn case. hook us up! Either you got a bee sting of the breasts or you got some serious work done to your bosom area.They should be sellin' it in stores! They should. Gina? Hook us up with some o' your hair crack. float me a few bottles. I sure did and I love 'em. They really should. They're always lookin' for the next big thing. Gina. . Gina. Well. Girl. It is not hair crack. Well. Yeah.

Girl. you see all this right here. .Well. No. Now. all this ludicrousness goin' on here? Okay. you coulda bought yourself a Saturn with that. I may get a couple o' unruly back or chest hairs plucked. Black girls get it done. I'm just sayin'. you better love 'em. I'm not sayin' we don't. I did. this implant.. you know. Heidi. injecting your asses in your lips is just nasty. Chanel. per titty? Yes. Girl. who you tellin'? Now. plastic surgery stuff? It's more of a white girl thing.. for $ a pop. Hold up. we don't get all crazy like y'all do. You know. You paid American dollars. too.

other than that, I just be chillin'. I don't...

What?

So, what I'm saying is, you know, some folks, you know,

have to pay to look good, while other are just born that way.

It's the Motherland, baby.

Well, which way were you born, ass-backwards?

Because statements like that just personifies your ignorance

as it pertains to the topic of beauty.

Excuse me? I know Botox Barbie isn't tryin' to call me ignorant.

- I heard her say "your mama." - Hey, calm down, hussies.

This ain't no remake o' "Black Mama, White Mama"!

I throw the peace card on ya.

Thank you, Miss Josephine.

Come on, let's go get this hair done. So you need to shampoo...

Does he ever leave that apartment?

That piano playin' is gettin' on my nerves.

Which is why you haven't patched up the ceiling yet.

Excuse you. I've been busy, "mademoiselle."

Why don't you get your things together so I can take you to church to practice?

Have you decided what you wanna play for your recital yet?

Shoot.

I was just... checkin' out your big... spear.

Sorry.

Would you like to join us?

Can you show me the intervals again?

Well, each chord progression is three steps apart.

See? That's why he called it "Giant Steps."

You won't hear anybody playin' this at my recital.

- So what are you gonna play? - I don't know.

- I'm all confused. - What are you confused about?

Listen to your heart...

...and your fingers will follow.

So. This next song goes out to all the finger-in-your-face.

Callin'-me-out-my-name heifers.

You can get all up in my face if you want to.

But don't get it twisted. Baby.

'Cause guess what?

Well, I'll take your man right out the box

And put him under my padlocks

So when you see us together chillin' in the place

Cold walkin' and sportin' him in your face

Go ahead, roll your eyes, suck your teeth

Keep huffin' and puffin' like a dog in heat

You know whassup I ain't no poo-putt

'Cause Pepa kicks butt off young bucks like you

And the rest of your crew

If moms want static I'll diss her, too

So scram, you know who I am

Damn, chick, don't play me close

'Cause I'll take your m...

You know, I was just...

Takin' someone's man?

I'll take your man

So I'm not playin' any Beethoven or Mozart.

Too overdone. I'm thinkin' Coltrane or Monk.

Too overdone. I'm thinkin' Coltrane or Monk.

Then again, some Miles or Stevie Wonder. Maybe some...

Girl, go and play with your little friend, please.

Clown.

Yo, whassup, V?

- Still shootin' behinds, huh? - Yup.

The booty is the cornerstone of all hip-hop videos today.

If it ain't shakin', it ain't sellin'.

Whatever.

Are you down for some Krispy Kreme? I got the hook-up.

My play cousin, Howard, works over there.

He got shrimp doughnuts. He got buffalo doughnuts...

He got... big booty doughnuts.

No, you didn't.

I don't eat doughnuts with boys who exploit women.

Well, how about a burger, then?

I don't want any of your shrimp burgers or your buffalo burgers.

So, you and your two play cousins can get to steppin'!

See, that's why I like older women.

There's one o' your men.

- I'll be right back. - That's what you always say.

I don't know if she's a ho or not.

I ain't gon' say nothin' 'cause that's Gina's sister-in-law.

it sounds so good. ..Thank you. baby. You and only. Oh. This is how sweet you are. my good. just chill out for the rest of the day. .Are you happy to see me? .Baby. Go get a drink.. . but you know what? I've really gotta work.. you. ls that for me? Oh.Hey. . I'm tryin' to get close to you.Hey. Baby..You're so sweet. baby.How's that sound? . baby. Let's get outta here... . listen to some music. 'cause Gin. don't work the whole day away. but I gotta work. I'll bring you back. I know. I wish I could. So here's the plan.

. You take your ass from the front of my shop! . Take your ass back in there. you all right? What's this goin' on? Shut your rantin' ass and get in my car.Gina. baby? Thank you.Bitch? .What the hell? . . Don't be tellin' me where to take my ass. you all right? I know I just didn't see you put yo' hands on that girl. do some heads..Bitch.D. no! .Hell. get out of my f. okay. I don't give a damn about no Gina! Don't you ever grab me up like that! You know how much money I just spent on you? .Gina needs me. you hear me? .

. .I will burn yo' ass with this damn curlin' iron. .I'll be back. Go braid your eyebrows or somethin'. Check this out.Hold on.What you? What you? . . What you. dawgs. hold on. we ain't got no problem here. . you fake-ass Avon! But you need to keep your hands to yourself.What? When you gonna do some hair? What you? . . the mascot of the shop? Take yo' foo-foo ass back in there..We got a problem here? .No.You're crazy.I'll burn yo' ass. hold on.Don't try to call me some type of bi. dude. .Careful with that.. man. .

I'll be damned! I'm gonna get him. So. You come here talkin' all that stuff and you got knocked out! See. Remember me? Oh. how goes it with the shampooing? Good? The name is Lynn. ! Well. So? So.. yup..Y. Willie got it all on camera and he sell 'em in the hood for . . Now.Did you see that? I hate violence. ja. for your F. See? That's what you get. and I'm a stylist now. see. that's why you need to learn how to respect women. The shampooing girl.I.

Very SoHo-loftish. you must be lost or somethin'. well. He's in the "Yaguar. Now I see why. well. I guess I'm not doin' too bad." and it's good to see you. Did you make a wrong turn in your BMW? No. I was curious about the place that's been stealing all of my best clients. what do you want? Gina. I love it. It's very trendy. I took the "Yaguar. too. I just came by to see the shop. I thought you were in the Beamer. I am Jorge. you know. I want for nothing. Gina. actually.Well. Anyway." Sorry. .

Well..'specially for a woman who should be fallin' flat on her ass. about that. 'cause believe me. and I do not wish to reside there anymore.. what with the overhead and the paying of the fine and the State Board coming by at the worst times. . baby. you know. I mean. you are doing it. Gina. And your point? I just wanted to come by to say that. I've been there and back to the other place. ja? Right? It can't be easy. girlfriend. I wish no ill will upon you or your shop or your peeps. I want you to know I'm truly sorry for my words. you know. I was speaking from that angry place. I mean. Ja.

anything at all. I am Jorge. and there will always be an open chair at Jorge's for Gina. Got some nice shoes.Who was that? . . Wiederseher. Okay. But I don't think I'm gonna be needin' that. . I will be there. . though. Congratulations on the twins. You got some issues.He came over to hate. well. He's just jealous.if you ever need anything.What the hell did he want? . you know? I mean. ja? Well. Ciao. lean on me. That means a lot comin' from you. fair enough. but I see that they are not identical. Jorge. When you're not strong. thanks.That was the infamous Jorge.

. And who. Joanne! .Don't play with me..Thank you. I can't take it.You are. They wanna fly me to New York? Me?! Oh. talk some business. my God! .Gina.Correct. And who was it that talked up your conditioner to the head of marketing for CoverGirl's line of boutique products? And why do they want to meet with you? . when asked to make something happen. Yes. is making something happen? .You again? .What? . who's your girl? . fly you to New York.I'm serious. They wanna meet with you.

. it's brilliant. but I sure can eat Cosmopolitan cheesecake! Tonight we goin' out and we celebratin'. . We got to toast on this somewhere. "CoverGirl" is interested in my conditioner.Oh.Oh.. I'm talkin' about the ha. I can't believe it! . They can call it whatever they want. yeah.You talkin' about that hair crack? . .Yes. Why don't you feel like takin' us out to celebrate? .. as long as they sell it. I can't drink. You hear me? I feel like I just won the lottery. my God! Thank you! Oh. we gettin' tipsy. That's great.What's up? .. We are gettin' it on. man. my God! CoverGirl.I think I can do that..

. pregnant. Girl. Joe. So her and the girls are goin' out tonight to celebrate. and my feet didn't hurt.Hey. Hey. . We goin' out tonight! We partyin'! Joanne.Look at that girl over there.Talk to you later. . . Thought maybe you'd wanna come and meet them there? I'm not sure she wants me there. That's great news.Keep practicing.For real. But tell your mom I said congratulations. baby. . if I wasn't married. Go sit your butt down. please. Guess what? CoverGirl might buy my mom's conditioner. I'd get with one .Go on. little one.Hey. .

When I met y'all at Miss Angeline's that mornin'. Until them two birds left the shop. okay? . Happy Hour ended a long time ago. I thought I was in for the worst. y'all.of these little chocolate kisses.Right.What? .A'ight? . but you belong right here in the 'hood with us. You thought you wanted a Jorge's. I ain't gonna front.. You ain't lyin'. . ladies.And that's what I got.All right. I can definitely see why they call it Happy Hour! Please. . honey. I just want to say thank you so much for hangin' in there with me. and James.. Yup.It is Get Crunked Hour. Okay. and then I had the best! . .

Sistah.Oh. Would you like to dance? What are you doing here? Asking you to dance. Phenomenal woman!" That's you. girl! . Yes. my God.All right. Congratulations. it is. yes. "You are and always will be a woman phenomenally.Okay. "Whether it's the arch o' your back or the sun o' your smile. . Now. you are an inspiration. Ah. I do. To Gina. yes. please. . Gina. we'll toast to that. "the ride o' your breasts or the grace o' your style. say yes so it can look like I have a little bit of game.

I thought he wanted me to move some chairs or somethin'! .Go ahead. Her gonna need some scissor. crazy girl. .Go on. . . Lynn.. .I wanna get tribal with y'all.All right.That was like . Did you see that? Did you see that? All these beautiful black girls and he goes straight for the white girl. So. now. I'm tellin' you.. . hand me the scissor.Sure. go have fun. Okay. You wanna move a little somethin'? Move what? He askin' you to dance. MTV is the devil. for real..

I'ma show her how you really do that. Come on.What? You think? .I see somethin' I need. all right..Come on.She dropped it like it's hot! . you know what? . .Oh.I think we're bein' outdone. Okay. who gives a damn? The boy is gayer than Peter Pan on a pair o' ice skates. . let's go. . what is wrong with you? Okay. . .Girls. Girl..Yeah.Girl. damn! .That's my song. This goes out to my girl Gina. He happier than hell! . Some old school Chicago steppin' music.What?! . .James is gay. now. . Come on.

They live in France. my goodness. That's it..Pass the ball! . A case of my future is on its way to CoverGirl. pass the ball! Gotta make sure you arrive safely. man. You just played the most beautiful chord ever. Oh.Is this your family? My happily married sister and her two kids. what about a wife and kids? That never happen for you? Many things never happened for me. really? Come on. And many things have.. I don't think I'm really. Well. .Oh. .

.. No.Yeah. Would you mind not doing that anymore? Doing what? You know. . stop doin' that. hanging out now.Let's not get frantic. Joanne.. Could you carry this to my car for me? It's just outside.Okay.Okay. I'll take it. James and I are kinda.Thanks. Gina. If they call you and they need some more.. This is more than enough.. Excuse me. I didn't know you guys were. Come on. now. the whole smacking-on-the-butt thing. . okay? . Firm. . listen. you know.

So. Lynn? You afraid James might grow tired of your wannabe-black girl routine and fall for somethin' real. they's just. Joanne? Maybe on my daddy's Chevy they's real. Excuse me? You heard me.. . Yeah. I understand. What's the matter. we are.that you're afraid of a little competition.... you understand. but on you.. Yeah. like me? Real? Since when are two air bags for breasts real.. ridiculous. but I think I shouldn't have. .Yes.

What did you say to me? Little Miss Hip-Hop? .She threatened me. but you did. . And I think what my girl is sayin' is that she wants you and your tetherball titties to leave her man alone.I will hip-hop my foot up. She should be fired. Right now! Joanne.. .Did you hear that. You know how we clown around here. I'm the client. Little Miss Hip-Hop. Y'all can work this out. y'all are grown women. calm down. Now.Yeah. Gina? . So you're not gonna fire her? No. I think I was speaking to Lynn.. White girl gone crazy. all right? Okay. look. .Yeah. I heard all y'all.

You try doin' your own thing.I'm so sorry.Fine. . Yeah. And you can forget about me as a client. Ain't nothin' to be sorry about. I'll let you know if we find something. I still have men checking the area. fine. What's going on? There's a problem at the shop. I see how things work around here. and then somethin' like this happens. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. How's that? .Okay. . No. Gina. You know what? You can forget about your meeting with CoverGirl. Thanks.

You'll get through this. and I have to go up in there with all o' this on my brain. Mom. baby. It's okay. Joe. . Vanessa Norris. It's okay. And now. You will. Gina. . I can't. too.. I have Vanessa's recital tomorrow. I can't catch a break. I can't. Gina. You'll get through this. . That's my baby girl.Sorry. ...I love you. Play from your heart. Go. I just. .. No. coming to the stage for a piano solo.I wish that was true.I love you. I can't fix this one... I'm so sorry this happened to you. Everything's gonna be all right.

That's my baby! That's my baby! Mom. Surprise! What? What. Let's get outta here. how'd I do? You were everything I ever imagined. what the... Y'all. . This is.. I'm just happy.. girl... I'm fine. No. Mom. you okay? Yeah. This is Gina's House of.. Fly me some fingers... I don't know what to say. Come here.. This is crazy.

Did you bring any o' that? . But I don't think we can do this. okay? Check that out. that's what I'm talkin' about.. Gina.Money. girl! Oh.. man. maybe it's just Gina's House. The shop's here! We're with you. A new picture of Madam C. Why not? We brought blow dryers and curlin' irons and hot c. It is... . Okay. Walker. we're here.The point is.. Lord! It is hotter than a jalapeno's coochie out there! Thank God y'all open. Oh. This is nice. yeah! D..House of. .J. y'all.

Let me see what we workin' with under this hat. damn it. Yeah.Just one o' you heifers do me.Oh. . can somebody do me? Please? Anybody.Don't even worry about it. my God! . girl.Hear me. please! .Damn! .Okay. sure. . . And I got a weddin' to get to in three hours! Lord. please. I done been to five shops in four blocks and all them bitches is booked.Child. .Thank you. . okay. Lord! . I'll hook you up.God! I'm havin' some Don King issues. please. You know what? I can work with this.

And.Fine. I'm fine.Darnelle.You all right? .. actually. No! Make that two bottles. thank you. That's right. now that Steven and I split up. baby.. Hey.. We back in business! Shoot! And. we open for business. Not enough to make us quit.Gina.What happened here? . get her shampooed and use a bottle of my conditioner. get that percolator percolatin'. put it like this. well.Yeah.How you doin'. . . girl? .Good morning.. . Thank you. . . everybody else.Thank you. girl. we love you. . James. I'm terrific.

Gina. .Hi.Hell. good for you. Hey.Go girl! . Terri. girl! Where'd you get that? That is a ass. y'all all knew he was cheatin' on me. why don't you hook Terri up? . sit down. girl. Now I know and now I'm free. You want me to sic my cousin Travis on him? He just got out the pen. good. . honey.Back that thing up.For me? . girl! . .Something to brighten your day? . Well.I just might take you up on that.All right. shoot! Look what the collard greens did to her booty! . . Oh.Oh. but he don't mind goin' back early. .Hi. Hi. You have a ass.Come on. come on. Ida.

Thank you. you feelin' froggy? Jump! What is this? Stacy? Yeah.Yeah. Looks like you're stickin' around. No. I'm just closing up. .Hey. Willie. Hi. How you doin'. But you brightened my day as soon as you came through that door. . How ya doin'? This is me. They hooked me up. baby. so I'll meet you at the spa. .What a transformation. I guess I am. huh? . What. it ain't goin' down like that. What's up wit' you? . No. Miss Norris. ja? I call you back.Excuse me. .I'm a'ight.Yes. Yeah. Miss Gina? .

. I bet you I'm the last person on earth you expected to see in here.. I knew you had somethin' to do with it. What kind o' engagement? What. Well. You know. you goin' to meet up with Inspector Crawford and figure out how you can burn my place down this time? Gina. I didn't mean to intrude. I'm afraid I don't have time for such a sudden intrusion. I have a prior engagement. I just love it when you let that imagination of yours run wild.Surprise.. In fact. You haven't even begun to see the street. Sorry. . huh? No.What a. It's so street. I knew you would be back. .

You should be a little more secretive about the way you do dirt...What is this? .. Do I seem like the type of person that would reside in such deviant behavior.. via Nebraska.You know. huh? With those split ends? Yeah. And I asked myself. comin' by my salon.of Austria..That is "World's Dumbest Criminals. you kinda do. George Christie. Look to Jorge. "Why would he say somethin' like that?" Look at me. I know your secret. what with the payin' o' fines and the State Board comin' by. Yeah.. So. . talkin' 'bout how hard it is to own a business. I know about you. . ." Starrin' you and Inspector Crawford.

. I'm still standin'.The point is this. bitch! Did somebody say "Cut"? What? Was ist das? What?! . it's your girl Helen. And you will never. Kinda like what you try to be but don't really pull off. . 'cause I'm a phenomenal woman. man. And my shop is open and doin' very good business. ever intimidate me.Sit up. You didn't break me. Have a nice ride back to that rib shack you call a shop! Don't cut yourself on the broken glass.No! No! Shit! Hotlarta! Whassup? Once again.

It's hollerin' Helen. Gina. Venus Serena Marion Jones. .Shut up. Gira. 'Cause it is a lovely day. Y'all doin' the damn thing down there! I'm on the radio! I'm on the radio! Ask her if she'd give a shout out to my kid. turn it up.hollerin' at ya this mornin'. right? It always is. Turn the radio up. Hello. .Hey. telephone. Gina. . It's good. I just called to say thanks again for hookin' my head up for my cousin Shondrella's weddin' a couple o' days ago. Tellin' ya to get your ass up. You lyin'. Junior! Shout out to Africa! Gina. Gina Norris.

jump yo' butt in the hoopty. or your flip whipped.Girl.Sure was. . you saved my life! That hair crack corditiorer of yours got me lookin' all Halle Berry-ish and thangs. My man came over last right and kinda sweated out my flip! Now. see. Now. . since y'all my peeps. your do did. Hotlanta. get on down to Gina's Hair Salon in the SWATS and let 'em hook you up with some of Gina's famous hair crack conditioner. if you want to get your crop dusted. And I'ma need me a touch-up in a minute.Don King? That was you? . that's what got you in trouble the last time.

Okay? The revolution needs to be televised. I'll holler! Talk about how come there's never a black man as The Bachelor.I'ma let you ladies in the shop pick Helen's topic for the day. You know what? I think you should talk about people who name their kids names that they ain't never gon' live up to. ladies. like a Porsche that look like a Buick and a Mercedes that look like a doggone Pinto! Talk about these athletes goin' to jail these days. halftime gon' be a plea bargain. Keep this up. . They spend more time in the court than on the court. Holler at me.

No. I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be e ternally tweaking it. feel free to drop me a lin e. I like to go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs for damn sho'! W atch t. Eva Mendes. Gina. he put you out before he give you breakfast. let's talk about legalizin' marijuana. No. Y'all keep holdin' it down. Holler! Special help by SergeiK ######### Hitch Script . y'all Big ups to you. so if you have any corrections. I know. You won't hurt my feelings. the Hitch script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Will Smith. Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts! Hitch Script . After some good lovin'. talk about interracial love. I know. I'll holler. I'll be callin' you in a minute for a touch-up. You know you black. Talk about how if you have sex with a man.Dialogue Transcript Voila! Finally. and Kevin James This script is a transc ript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Hitch. 'cause my glaucoma's gettin' bad now. Honest.

" Or my personal favorite: "I'm really into my career right now. "I just need some space. "This is a really bad time for me." Or possibly. "Try harder. She doesn't need any space.. It's not a bad time for her." You believe that? Neither does she." . She may be into her career. she might say. stupid." Now." Or something like. but what she's really saying is. You understand me? Lying.Basic principles: No woman wakes up saying: "God. You know why? Because she's lying to you. "Get away from me now. that's why. I hope I don't get swept off my feet today..

which one is it? % of all human communication is nonverbal. .Well. Luckily. What else is she gonna say? She doesn't even know you. So that means that % of what you're saying.. Body language. she doesn't wanna hurt your feelings. She's a nice person. Yet. % is your tone.. even a beautiful woman doesn't know what she wants until she sees it... Toby! Shit! Of course she'll lie to you. the fact is that just like the rest of us. ain't coming out of your mouth.

You cannot use what you do not have. If you're outgoing. . So if you're shy. no matter when. but she does want to see it. be shy. She may not want to see it all at once. but she does want the real you.. be outgoing. when you're wondering what to say. So tonight. My job is to open her eyes. She may not want the whole truth. no matter who.And that's where I come in.I'm not outgoing..That's okay. Just needs the right broom. Oh. my God! Is this what you're looking for? Basic principles: No matter what. how you look.. . . any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet.. or if she likes you.

Give her plenty of space. But maintain the visual. That's the you I'm talking about. The shoes are hot. but I don't think they're really me. she is already out with you. . The key tonight is hang back. move on. That means she said yes when she could have said no. If she lingers at a photograph. You went to the place I told you? Yeah. You look great in the shoes. So that means it is no longer your job to try to make her like you. It is your job not to mess it up. You bought the shoes. "You" is a very fluid concept right now.just remember. That means she made a plan when she could have just blown you off.

don't be looking at her mouth. Listen to what she is saying and respond. So when you leave the club. And when she answers. Don't be wondering what she looks like naked. we're on date number two. walk a little. Ask her what she thought about the show.. And all of a sudden..It's supposed to be and clear tonight. what was her favorite photograph. Listen and respond.. definitely." What was your favorite one? The elephant. when it's your turn to talk. . "I like your mouth. you'll have something better to say than. That way. why that one.. Ready.

great love? Are you okay? ... You have to smile. . where eight out of women believe that the first kiss. Let me get a Bomb Pop and a Screwball for the lady. you're wondering how you ever lived without them. Three dates. Three dates is all I need. One moment.Nobody knows. to the high-stakes medal round. hitting is a good thing. And the next.No way.I'm good. you're enjoying your life. is that it happens in the blink of an eye. We're going back in there. In case you didn't go to high school. . So how does it happen... and I'll get you here. But what I can tell you.

But always remember. Thanks...will tell them everything they need to know about the relationship. After that.. you're on your own. life is not the amount of breaths you take. six months? And when was her first date? So five-and-a-half? God. Are you kidding? Of course I'm gonna run it.. even when they're going out with someone as awesome as Allegra Cole? She's only the most fabulous thing walking around New York. what did I say. . What is it about guys that makes them want to screw anything that walks. It's the moments that take your breath away. Did I call it or did I call it? I mean. Young. I hate it when I'm right.

It was just what the doctor ordered. the world should know he's dumb enough to get caught. Exactly.. I read a couple of books.I know. isn't that great? .. flirted with my scuba instructor.. I'm in the elevator.And apparently never left the office.. . Barbados by myself? I wouldn't last five minutes. I slept in. I did my yoga. .Why should she waste her heart on some Swedish aristo-brat? Even if he is gorgeous. See you in a minute. You should try it sometime. If he's stupid enough to cheat. party of one. Good morning. how are you? Bitter.

. remember? No. What are you doing here? What is she doing here? She works here. relationships are for people waiting for something better to come along. See if these are in focus and have them in my desk in an hour. You are a realist masquerading as a cynic who is secretly an optimist. Yes.I don't have time for a boyfriend. Not for another four days. I'm a realist. . .You should've taken someone with you. Besides. and it's as true today as it was then. she doesn't. I'm not a cynic. Spoken like a true cynic. I thought you were on vacation.You said that two years ago. Who am I gonna take with me? This is where a boyfriend comes in handy.

workaholic lunatic.. the kind of nervous.. Pictures of Sebby with a busty brunette. there is more to life than watching other people live it.. Jesus. Comes with the job. and this is exactly. . What are you doing? Go back to the beach. overwrought behavior that leads to. . You are becoming a sick. kiddo. Can I help he was cheating on my beach? I think it's great that you're so good at your job.I don't want you here.. you do. You could find dirt in a snowstorm.This couldn't wait.It could. really. . You know.. A very big raise. .No...

You pick your shots based on what you see first. Okay. in the long run. right? .I'm just a little worried as to why. .. All of us are not married to the woman of our dreams and about to have a baby. So you'll pay for my hotel? For you to sip mai tais? I don't think so. Get out.. I'm very happy for you. You know what your problem is. .What? .That's good. You know. Hitch? You're all about the short game...Come on. it was in and it freaked out. not what's necessarily best for you. No. I want that column on my desk by lunch. Let me worry about that.No. .

. totally varied.. . it's so beyond anything physical that. it's kind of ridiculous and vaguely pathetic. I don't know.. and chase all these really gorgeous but shallow women.Yeah.. okay. . that I share with Grace every single day.Is this really barroom talk? . Honestly. sweaty.Just not meant for everybody..I was talking about pool...You need to listen to me. when I think back to when I used to run around with you. and openness. the unconditional love. .. I just hope one day you're able to experience... Because when you get to a place with a woman like that. So please just leave me to my hot. trust.. wildly experimental short game.. but whatever. I'm serious... .

His mom? Casey. . Casey. who buys high-priced lingerie for their mother? Well. I see what you mean. . the point is I'm not gonna start out assuming the guy's a liar. Actually. he was hitting on you while he was buying lingerie for another woman. So. . maybe he was looking for a robe.Yeah.. he said he was buying something for his mom.And he was doing likewise? .I prefer the mother story.No. but that's not the point. That's pathetic.Why not? . No. .Because that's how you wind up. how'd you meet him? I was in La Perla just buying some weekend thongs. Like me? Is that what you were gonna say? .I know you do..

So when is Grace due again? .Absolutely. Google your own guy. . .Why? . .You excited? . .Have you heard of the Date Doctor? ." .I'm gonna Google him.Really? . Let's just see if his mother's still alive. I was hoping he also helped women. I was gonna say. . Are you saying you don't wanna talk to them because you can't go home with them? I'm just trying to keep my head above water.Urban myth.No.What's his name? .Soon.What'd you say? Do you want me to go get them and bring them over here? No.No. "Like you. don't do that. .

Hey. I'll go get those girls. that sounds like fun for me.. you're not sick. On that happy note. and I'll take them back to my apartment. please? Thanks. I'm gonna go see if anybody interesting came in tonight. . Bye. girl. besides me. I haven't been ridden in months.Hey. pal. Well. You just have to relax and enjoy the ride. how are you? Hey. bring them over here.Casey. Excuse me. . can I get a couple Coronas at the pool table. You're single. But you might want to get in line.You mean. Then you're gonna home.. baby. . and we'll have a conversation like human beings. . .Right.

But like any late bloomer. I seemed to lack the basic understanding. that my peers just intuitively grasped. They like women. .You did? How else was I supposed to get you away from all those guys? Why would you want to do that? Some guys naturally develop a comfort with the opposite sex. . Her name was Cressida Baylor..I knew you didn't work here. Just don't let it happen again. I don't work here. Everything flows naturally. women like them. I was eager to make up for lost time. sweetheart. asshole. Back in college.Lime wedges in the bottle's fine. The paramedics will have to come to get my foot out of my mouth. I'm sorry.. I was just not one of them. Hey. .

Can you tell me where the registration building is?

And my life would never be the same.

- I'm Alex. - Cressida.

What we had was beautiful.

I love you.

I love you so much.

I love you, too, Alex.

I know you don't love me as much as I love you.

But that's okay. I'm just glad you love me at all.

In retrospect, I guess I may have come on a little strong.

But the experience taught me a lot.

Cressida!

What are you doing?

I'm sorry, Alex.

But I love you. What did I do wrong? Just tell me what I did wrong.

You're doing it right now.

Alex, I'm sorry.

And it's an education I feel obliged to pass on to my fellow men.

Because with no guile and no game, there's no girl.

If ever a man born was without game...

it was Albert Brennaman.

My business is % referral and, thus far, untraceable.

And if there's one thing I've learned...

when you orchestrate, coordinate, and otherwise mess with fate...

it's best to fly under the radar.

I hope she's single 'cause I don't do break-ups.

Hi. Thank you for seeing me.

Yeah, no. I mean, she just got out of a relationship.

Is that a problem? Because if it is, that's fine.

I'm a little uncomfortable with this anyway.

Definitely been hurt a lot. I had a lot of bad experiences.

Some good ones. But definitely a lot of bad ones.

I'm desperate, basically. I mean, not in general, you understand?

You know, not just for anybody. But, man, for her... Yeah.

Why don't you tell me about her?

Let's see, what can I say?

My company handles her finances. I'm her tax consultant.

Well, I'm one of them. I'm the junior man on the account.

- So does she know you're interested? - No.

Alive?

I lent her my pen once.

Shoot. Does anyone have a pen?

- Here, take mine. - Albert, you're crushing my arm.

Sorry about that. Here you go, Allegra.

Allegra? As in Allegra Cole?

Yeah, I realize that I'm not her usual type.

Well, her last boyfriend owned Sweden or something.

And that guy was a bum.

He didn't seem like a very nice person to me.

You swing for the fence.

Look, you don't think I tried talking myself out of this?

I mean, you don't think I know how ridiculous this is? I know, okay?

I just thought that maybe with your help...

You know what? I'm really sorry I wasted your time.

Hold on a second, Albert.

You know what it's like getting up every morning feeling hopeless?

Feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man?

But at the same time, hoping that she still finds happiness...

even if it's never gonna be with you?

You are flat-out...

out of your mind. You know that?

That's good.

It is?

You ever heard of Michelangelo?

Heard of the Sistine Chapel?

Michelangelo.

Sistine Chapel.

You saying you can do this?

My name is Alex Hitchens. Let's go paint that ceiling.

Take it easy.

Oh, my God!

Well, it looks like I'm still rich.

But what I would really like, and what I was wondering is...

if I could have $ to invest on my own.

And what were you thinking of investing in, Allegra?

Well, it's something that I really have a passion for.

Daydreams are for private time.

When you're in the room, be in the room.

Concentrate. Focus. Women respond when you respond to them.

My friend Maggie is a talented designer.

I've seen the business plan and the samples look fantastic.

Let's go over this one more time. That was shockingly awful. sir. gentlemen. and next month. Fine. .Yes. What is the objective? Shock and awe. Okay. Let us come up with a range of investments that we think you might be interested in.. What is the objective? . What is the objective? Shock and awe.Excuse me. Thank you. we'll run the whole lot of them by you. I'll tell you what. Albert? I don't really agree with that. . All right..And I would really like to get involved.

not your kindergarten teachers.That's quite enough! . instead of asking for permission to invest your own money.I'm not finished. from a boardroom full of your daddy's golf buddies. I'd like to see anybody in this room handle the attention and publicity.. If you want to be taken seriously as an adult. We should be taking advice from you.. then start taking yourself seriously as an adult. that's exactly what you should do... We're a board of advisers. Not the other way around. with half her class. You don't need us to tell you what to do.. .You don't really agree with what? I think if you want to invest $ in your friend's business... Miss Cole.. . that she's had to deal with her whole life...

.Sit down. Trust me. Albert. .Would you let me go? ..Albert. my God. Okay..You said. I screamed at my boss! I quit my job! ..It's Allegra Cole. no! Just relax! Okay? ..No. .No! You know what? I quit! Oh. we're fine.What? .I gotta go back. .Could I speak to you a second? . . Relax. How'd it go? I yelled at her. . .Just let it marinate for a second. .No! Relax. I didn't tell you to quit. . .Answer it. listen. Just breathe.Answer the door.

Let me rephrase that. to go over things.People don't usually talk to me like that. Financial things. I'd like to see the areas where I can afford to take some risks. Albert. I guess it's kind of scary for them. But that's why I really appreciate what you did in there. Stand up. man. People never talk to me like that.. .Yes. . What's up? Listen. Hi. right? .Close your mouth. do you think that you and I could get together sometime this week? You know. But I was wondering..

. . I noticed your glass was getting low. . Comes in here once in a while.Check your schedule. What's her drink? Usually beer. damn. . She's some kind of newspaper columnist. Do you have a pen? I don't think I have one.Goodbye.Great.You're done.I'll check my schedule.Yes. I do.. Hi.. . And call me Allegra. Grey Goose martini. Oh. . Let me give you my number. Great. Tonight. . Great tipper. dirty. Good job.

Thanks. You can't get them to stop? That was funny.You have fantastic eyes. You're welcome. Listen. Thank you.What's your name? . And I couldn't help but notice you look a lot like my next girlfriend.So don't take the following personally. This is no reflection on you. So do you like Cuban food? .so I took the liberty of bringing you another apple martini.. and try to generate a relationship out of thin air.They call me Chip. . I'm just not interested. . I understand the courage it takes to walk across a room.. . Try to listen. But thank you for the compliment of coming over.

I couldn't get a cab. On the one hand. and an end. it is very difficult for a man. that was not code for. You. there was a beginning. How was the meeting? Well." Are you always so shut-down and afraid that the right man might make you. too.Chip.. a middle. to even speak to someone who looks like you.. seriously. "I wish you'd try harder. Feel like a natural woman? Sorry I'm late. Chip... Not if you pay attention. You're sending all the right signals: . honey. should that be your problem? So life's kind of hard all around. Nice to meet you. But on the other hand.

" But she wouldn't be interested in that.. "My name is Alex Hitchens and I'm a consultant... what she does.. wearing reading glasses with no book. and genuinely be interested in who she is. there's always the "fuck off" that you have stamped on your forehead. heels under two inches.. your hair is pulled back... ..no earrings. Who'd believe there's a man out there that can sit by a woman he doesn't know. which means you had a hell of a week and a beer just wouldn't do it.. without his own agenda? I wouldn't even know what that would look like. because she'd be counting the seconds until he left. Thinking he was like every other guy.. drinking a Grey Goose martini. If that wasn't clear enough. So what would a guy like that say? He'd say.

. . because he was sincerely.He'd be interested. I run the gossip column at the Standard. is a virtual certainty. I'm Sara Melas. he could possibly make her realize that he was for real.Which.. interested.. But he'd see that there was no way. and she might blow him off. . if atypically. he could be funny and charming and refreshingly original. Or she might say.. And then he'd ask all these penetrating questions about her. life experience has taught her. No.No? . Well.... Wouldn't help.. But then he'd ask her name and what she did for a living.

and you knew right away she was gonna be important to you? .No. Is that for me? What? Vance Munson. Wow.Not really.. My guess is they'd do just fine.. tell me about her.. you're the. So. They'd both probably go on to lead the lives they were headed toward.Can I get you something to drink. Grey Goose martini from the gentleman who just left.Don't you hate it when that happens? . No. .. It's a pleasure to have met you. not a problem. Have you ever met someone. I'm fine. Sorry I'm late. Mr. Sara Melas... . thank you..

.Not just because of her looks... But anyway. the one I was talking about.. Now she won't return my phone calls. they seem dull. I don't know what it is about her. of course. food has lost its taste. Things that used to matter.. she's so sweet. I just can't get her out of my mind. but that X factor. funny. you mean. Yes. How'd you meet her? Actually. you were buying lingerie for another woman. You can't help where you meet somebody. And the lingerie is for a woman I'm no longer seeing. And by that. Southern.. She gives me her number. . Colors. I was in a shop buying pajamas for my mom. the girl I met. You know.

Right. Unless I bang her. Clear my head. Hit it and quit it is not my thing. My clients actually like women. No. . here's the thing. rabbi. I think things aren't gonna snap back unless I.. I need professional help. You see what I'm doing? This is what I'm about. get off.I don't know. see. get out. Get in. I think you may have misunderstood what I do exactly. I was told you help guys get in there. bang her. And I'm glad you can admit it because generally that's the hardest part. Let me make one thing clear to you. they just no longer do. Well. Excuse me? You know.. that is for damn certain. But.

You know that. pumpkin? Got it. Pablo. So when I do this. No. but eventually they do what I want. People can wince.. beg. if you ever touch me again.No.. a metaphor. Okay. I need your signature. cry. Well. Okay. somebody famous. I'm more of a literal kind of guy.. Bye. this is more like me saying that I will literally break your shit off.Sara Melas? . No. like.Power suit. . So that's. .. power tie. Somebody has to eat there. I can't just mention your restaurant. power steering.

Over. Not till about : a. I can't. Do you know the definition of "perseverance. I have a couple of parties I have to hit.I hate it when a guy calls a girl who did not give him her number. Over. Gossip never sleeps. And I was wondering if you'd mind taking it down for dinner Friday night.m. Saturday. I have a date. This is much less invasive. I've been thinking about that sign on your forehead." Miss Melas? An excuse to be obnoxious? Continuing in a course of action.. you're right.. So this is me not calling. Yes. .

Over and out.? Are you crazy? I don't do : a.What? . Webster. how do I get rid of you? Breakfast. Over. What if I would have said Friday? .m. Okay.Sign here. I guess I could do Sunday. And you can barely even call that a date. .You said Sunday. right? Yeah. opposition or previous failure.without regard to discouragement.m. : a. Come on. Sunday.. You do that with out-of-town relatives that you don't even like. You forgot to say "over. Okay. .m. North Cove Marina." Over.Hello? . Over. This conversation's over as soon as you tell me when and where. : a.

How do I look? Fabulous. . .But you might need these. .Bam.Wow. ."Good" would have been at : . what do you wanna do? Race me around the Statue of Liberty? If there's time. . . Do you really expect me to wear this? lt'll be awful cold out there without it. . You ever ride one of these? Not on the Hudson. You're a lot taller than I remember.All right. So I guess you're not going to church. So.Sunday.Good morning.

. what I do with this baby is kick your ass. then take a left. .It just died. . It's pretty much a straight shot from there. . I give.All right.What happened? You change your mind? .That's for me to know and you to find out. I think it must have sucked up a diaper or something. Try it again.. I don't know. Where do I change? So we'll go past the wall. What you do with these babies is. Did you put gas in it? No. You know. too? Then we'll both be sitting ducks. Yeah. What if you break mine. You want me to call AAA? Come on around and let me hop on with you.Straight shot to where? . Gross.

Why don't you tell me? Then we'll both know. male egos. yeah. What? It is not my ego. But you don't know where we're going. I don't know how you guys make it through the day with them.Yeah. . . I have lower back trouble. I always keep a few of those around. I'm already here. It just died.Hitch. Are you all right? There. I just don't want to ruin the surprise.Scoot back. Thank you. hop on. All right. That's a fresh one. .. I just shove the ice packs right down there.I didn't break it. Man. I'm sorry. No. .

I figured that. . or child on the ship's manifest.. That's why I brought you here. over million Americans can trace their ancestry..So. . I have to admit. woman. with dirt removed during the construction of the New York subway system. Most people haven't...Anything for Hitch. Ellis Island.Did you know this? . back to a single man. In fact. . So I got my man Larry here to set us up a private tour. I have lived in New York my whole life and I've never been here. . It was originally known as Oyster Island.Yes.Are you serious? .Yeah. The island was expanded to its present size...Great! .

By %% of the residents of New York.Yeah. Chicago... The plaque explains how different cultures kiss after long absences.That count? . in Little Italys. Now. what exactly would qualify as a long absence? I mean. were immigrants. I actually had a relative come through here. Chinatowns and other ethnic enclaves... What? .to an inspector's ledger..No. .. Cleveland.Really? .. . They generally lived in the poorest sections of the cities. Detroit. and Boston. or the children of immigrants. It's called The Kissing Post..

.What? . . . Larry? .Ain't that right. I saw that going differently in my mind. don't you think? What is that? Oh. You know..What was that thing? No. I was just thinking. it's right here! How did you know? Hitch did the search. my God! That's my great-great-grandfather..Amen. I'm sorry. I just found the page. That's his signature. brother. That's kind of deep for a first date. you can't really know where you're going until you know where you've been. Jesus.

"the Butcher of Cádiz. When I saw it on the computer. except for on the Wanted posters. . In a disastrous kind of way.No. . Sounds like he went to a lot of trouble. It was fun. it was. No. Taxi! Poor guy. not a headline.A train wreck..Bye-bye. . . Thanks.So my family never saw him again. it said. It's just one of those horrible family legacies we've all tried to forget. .Bye. Look. I'm really sorry.. But thank you. Let me get you a cab. Well." I thought it was a profession.

You're seeing him again? Well..I mean. to let me down.. Yeah. look. .You should try mine. Case.Wait. huh? Now. just keep it simple. right? Right? . it's great. but he did it with flair. We're just leaving a message. I mean. At least you got a good story out of it. this isn't exactly a hickey. And that's a desirable trait? Yeah. you said that I'm always expecting men. right? Assuming that they're gonna fail? Which he did. he really tanked. Women like Allegra Cole don't pick up numbers they don't recognize. Weird. Just like we practiced. .

The reason I'm calling is about our appointment this Wednesday. . We called her to tell her you're at lunch? Allegra. because my whole next week is slammed.One moment. Hello. how are you? Good.Yes. Miss Cole? .No. Not gonna be able to make it.Yeah. it's Albert Brennaman. please. Tell her I'm at lunch. Hi. .Hello? She's on the phone! . I have Albert Brennaman for you. Hi. Well. Hi. . I'm doing good. when can you make it? When can I do it? I don't even know.

Yeah. over here. definitely. We're going to make it happen.Hi. Well. there. Sky Studios.Right. Yes. . One more. Designer friend.Miss Cole. Then I will put you back on with my. this way. Tonight I'm actually going to this fashion thing at Sky Studios.Allegra. What's going on over there? Just moving some things around.. I just thought it might be something your designer friend would be interested in. that's for sure. Great. . please. great.. No. But it's all good. . . we're gonna make it happen though.

I am.No. I know I'm heavy. Hey. ..I know.. in that over %% of your mass is below the surface. It's a metaphor. . I'm talking about who you are. Do you know why I want you to do that? Because I'm cool? . One more. richer Albert.. business.. I suppose. all of that is just a small part of a much deeper. Accounting.. Tonight I want you to meditate on the image of an iceberg. I'm saying that you are an iceberg. where's Maggie? Late as usual. I'm not.This was a fantastic idea.

" Too low says. they'll ignore you completely. Too high says. so this is our opportunity to break the touch barrier.It's gonna be loud in there. Show her you can handle being her escort.. place your hand on the small of her back. . Lean in. "I just wanna grab some ass.. Let them know you're there. So get to where it's loudest.. Ass. She's classy. When she does.. Ask her if she'd like a drink. shake hands hard and speak up. "I just wanna be friends. and say it in her ear like a secret. in a non-sleazy way... Special issues: Allegra Cole is a celebrity." Friends. Me. so she'll introduce you.. which means that when people talk to her. Watch your hand placement..

What do you think of the design of the Jets' . .No.. And you do have something to offer Allegra that no other man does. Did you see the new installation at MOMA? .Disgusting.Yes. . What was your name? Eggnog? Egon. Women can always tell when you're not being real with them..Nice to see you..Been to that new Brazilian restaurant? . because you are a great guy. but I am. . this is Albert.Egon. I'm writing an article about it..Albert. this is Zak. It's disgusting.. .How you doing? . did you think. Worst thing you can do is try to fake it. These guys are friends with Maggie.

Hi. Maggie. I want you to meet my friend. A woman's best friend has to sign off on all big relationship decisions.It's not? . you're not. . . Disgusting? Think it over. Thank you. Maggie. . I am.No.No. I can't stand those guys. tonight is not about Allegra. But when all is said and done. It's an absolute pleasure to meet you.Actually.. Really? I kind of liked them. We'll be back. .new football stadium on the West Side? Let me guess. Albert. I'm Maggie. Tonight is about Maggie. So you can't afford to mess this up..

Thank you. by the way. . you focus on one thing and one thing only.Thank you.You have very soft hands.Magnus Forester.. my God. in an old movie. Anything I see. . .Oh. . it just works. Something in a magazine. out on the street.. Thank you so much for inviting us.Where does your inspiration come from? . The receptive nature of the creative facility just astounds me. . Maggie.Wow. Anybody want any spring rolls? That's a beautiful tie. So tonight. This whole thing. Thank you. . So do you.

Is he gay? . I like him. I'm not worried about dancing. I hate to be a stickler.. I start the fire. About the deejay. but I need to be thorough. right there. I make the pizza. See how it gets bigger? Now I'm gonna start the fire.. You know what I'm gonna do. Generally. Trust me.. Show me what you mean by you're not worried about it. But the feet are going. . I have a firm no-dancing policy. I'm sorry. Hips are always going. That's what it's all about.I don't think so. But if she asks. Can't get enough hip. you cannot say no. But if there are people there.

. I don't wanna see none of that.Just expressing myself. They got food there. Don't ever.No. the Q-Tip. Don't need no pizza. Not like that. . do that again.From there. . Do you hear me? . Q-Tip. You live right here. That's not working. None of this. all right? This is where you live.. okay? This is home. hit them with this. Throw it away. Right here. you're not.

Next subject.Oh. Can't stop it.Elbows. Why? . Stop it.I left you a bunch of messages. So. Don't you bite your lip. . . You cannot stop it. God. . Get out. inches from the waist. all right? Even a great dancer can lose it with one of these. Women relate dancing to sex. are you a Knicks fan? When they're good. Thanks. Okay. now that's what I need to be learning. -degree angles.She was there? .I'm really sorry.

. Does this even look like dancing to you? That's just a little bit of me being me.I thought he was a bodyguard. .What? There were some photographers. I don't believe this. one kiss. One dance. . Who the hell is Albert Brennaman? .I'm the only one who will need protection. When I got the train this morning. . ... Just one shot to make the difference. Albert.My phone fell in the Hudson. well. .Gonna be really irritated.No. one look. I thought it was gonna be a good day. . . That's all we get.Max is gonna. No. that's you being a lot of something you don't need to ever be again. Yeah..Tell me how this happened. it gets worse..It's just one dance.

.You said "kiss. Not that she's gonna act on it. Eight out of women believe that the first kiss.All right. So it's no real big deal..She has? . but this is Allegra Cole. And believe me. .Huge.Of course.between happily ever after and: "Oh." Is that a problem? It's not a problem.What? . he's just some guy I went to some thing with once. she has definitely thought about it.It's a very big deal! . will tell them everything they need to know about a relationship. it's no big deal then." All right? . . ..

..What do you mean? . Yeah. But you're really not.Show me the magic. I wouldn't kiss you.. God. All right. I need you to wrap your head around this. Albert. . how about those Knicks? . Okay.. I'm not me.. Tomorrow night. Allegra Cole. could have her last first kiss.. I'm Allegra. so. .. Albert.. I had such a wonderful time with you. end of the night.Monumental! You are not listening. you're dropping me off at home. just show me what you got.Just show me how you would kiss me. come on.I'm not comfortable with this.

See. she fiddles. for her to come the other %% . takes her keys out. . I'm fiddling with my keys. goes in the house..You see what I'm doing? .You see what I'm doing? This is a signal.. . A woman that doesn't want a kiss. I'm fiddling... This is what most guys do. the secret to a kiss is to go %% of the way. and then hold. you have a good night now..Robbing me? No. . They rush in to take the kiss...For how long? . A woman that wants to kiss. puts them in the door.As long as it takes. Okay. But you're not most guys..

I had a really nice time tonight. I had a great time tonight. Albert. come on. too. Okay. Now. . Albert. %% . the woman of your dreams. Got it. What's up? .I'm not feeling it.%% . Look. I'm Allegra Cole.What the hell was that? .Okay.What do you mean? I came %% . show me the magic. Shake it off. . It's your turn.. with a beard. The woman whose green eyes are limpid pools of desire. I said come %% and then I come %%! You don't go the whole %%! ..I'm showing you the magic! No. Allegra. I'm not feeling like you want it.

He's cute. But him dating her is. . For all I know.. and they left together. You seem stressed. it says here the tickets went to some guy named Alex Hitchens.. I didn't invite her.. You overeager son of a. If you invite Allegra. Honestly. they danced together. he's adorable.No. You and I had an understanding. Albert. you're supposed to call me. Look. how was it? They came together. Other than that. I thought she was still in Europe. in a sheepdog kind of way. .. sweetie.My mouth was open.So you invited Albert? .

. you can come by the Fulton Fish Market tonight. bye.What? Machine.. it's Sara.. it sounded like a date. Okay. for an unforgettable experience. He's too much of a player to have a bad date on his record. Hi.Yeah.Do you think he'll show? .. I just wanted to say thank you. the other day. Well. around : .. . Is this a source or a date? A source. . And if you ever want to see your shirt again..

. it was supposed to. Either that or I really wanna pay you back. You must be a glutton for punishment. I think this is yours. Hi. You any good in the kitchen? . . I wasn't sure you called the right guy. Different chefs. different venues.but it's not a date. I wasn't sure you got my message. .Yeah.Well. Thank you. Just checking. Right. So it looks like a date and it sounds like a date.. all around the city. Really? There's a whole wall? So what are we getting into? Ever been to a food rave before? Happens once a month. I'm gonna frame this for my wall of shame.

Interesting. How was the Sky Studio fashion thing you went to the other night? Did you meet anyone worth mentioning? . Well.I can stand the heat. So. you never told me. we're gonna end up bricked into our apartment like a Poe story. Because that's my boss and his wife right over there. that's the last thing I'm gonna say tonight. So. Sara. Good. also? No. Louise. are you in the newspaper business. the less you go out. Well. if that's what you mean. Here's another concept: Shut up. here's a concept: We're paying to cook our own food. I'm a psychiatrist. In a couple of years. The longer you're married. It's an evening out.

Well. It's why you married me.He had your tickets. what exactly are your intentions for the lovely Sara? Wait. Hitch.Knew. Really? I find that very odd. . you know what? Actually.Max. .No. . I'm always odd.. .My friends who and who? . Speaking of which.I don't. .I think you're being odd. . there was someone. I think I met your friends Albert and Allegra. And it's why I married you.Allegra Cole? Really? How do you know her? .So you know Albert? ..

Yeah. how well do you really know your accountant? April and then you don't see him again till April .. I'm very impressed.. Why is that? Around these two. I'm sure you're really gonna enjoy this. . So why don't we change the subject? .I mean.Compliments of our chef. people usually can't wait to name-drop and dish their friends. and you're being all discreet. That's really good. it's quite endearing. a coquille St. it is.. Actually. Jacques with a lemon butter reduction..Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen. .

That's why I get to charge so much.Yeah. No one does.I know what's happening. I think you have food allergies. because I'm trying to make a good impression. No.. You think that I'm in a stressful state. Are you sure you're all right? Yeah. Yeah. brand management. Hitch. No. I have no idea what that means. Is it itchy in here or is it just me? .No. I'm fine.. .. while also dealing with my commitment issues. mostly marketing. So Sara tells me that you're a consultant...Are you all right? . little advertising. .. trying to avoid all these awkward conversations. I'm fine..

I'm fine. Earth. Jacques. we're doing fine. Wait. .No. . Wind & Fire. Coquille St..Wow.Which one's Aisle ? . Where's the Benadryl? . . A lot.. Death on a leaf! Come on! Okay.What? Are you. . Sara. Really. it is not that serious.You sure it's in Aisle ? .Aisle . Just a couple more blocks and you get to lie down.The one with the big over it.A lot of Benadryl..What? . . Benadryl. who sings that song again? Oh. . girl.Benadryl.

. Fort Knox. No. right? I bet I can ask you just about anything right now. Reasons that we're here I wouldn't know. What is an heiress doing with a CPA? They're going to the Knicks game. people search their whole lives trying to find the. Locked down. . Yep.You should let them sing it. I'm telling you. You would if you saw it. baby. I bet this would be great on the rocks. He loves her so much! I'm sure he does. I'm a vault. It's good..

I think you've had enough of the juice box. I actually prefer it that way. But you're never gonna know that. Okay. Let's go.So.Sometimes it's really hard to see the forest through the sleaze. Uncle Hitch. This is some place. Thank you. how do you feel? . What about you? You ever been in love? Yep. You live here alone? Yeah. they're gonna have a baby soon.Really? . . . What about you? I haven't had a roommate since college.Yeah. and he upped and married my sister.

C. Younger. What? She almost died once. and she fell through the ice. Sort of an innate protective thing. .Good.. right? I could hear it in your voice.. Relaxed. My dad pulled her out. Maria.. I was . Yeah. So what about you? Any siblings? Sister. Gave her mouth-to-mouth. We were skating on the pond behind our house. I guess. Lives in D.

Longest three minutes of my life. "snow." You said "rain.. I don't think I've ever really gotten over it. I'm sure.. Yeah.. Kind of defines you. one moment you're gliding along. doesn't it? You know like.. it definitely. the next moment you're standing in the rain watching your life fall apart.. You know. Is that what happened to you? Nothing as dramatic as falling through the ice. Yeah. That's what I said." Some kind of precipitation. Except it was snow.. .

you're such an idiot! You moron! What the hell did you think? You're so stupid! You gotta learn. Are you here? Sara.. an Earl Grey tea... I didn't know what you were drinking.. .Should I come back later? Hi. but then I came back with breakfast.. I did. Sara. I thought you left. . and something with "chai" in the title. I figured it was the least that I could do. a latte.. right? Or skate. so I got a grande cap. Well.Left a scar? Yeah.When are you gonna learn. I guess it's best just not to love at all. .

Yeah. I mean. .Wow. I'm this way.Thank you. You're a morning person. . like I always tell my clients: Begin each day as if it were on purpose. I'm that way. No.Tea for me. . Yes! I was hoping you'd say that. Beautiful day. God. I definitely will. Well. Good. I gotta go to work. aren't you? Well.Beautiful girl. . Oh. Give me a ring sometime. on the phone. . Bye. Tea.

there's no way he ever had a mother. That bad? He took me to Scalinatella. and he wants three kids..Goodbye... I ignored your advice. Can you believe what a beautiful day it is. like how he can't taste food. With who? Not the lingerie guy. and he was affectionate and sweet. So you slept with him.What's wrong. I never seen anybody get dressed that fast. I went on that date. . Vance Munson..I'm so stupid. pumpkin? . He told me all these intimate things. not? . And you're right.

guess what he says: "Date Doctor. . Who are you? Where's my best friend? It's true. from the Standard. you won't. beautiful. He just hasn't found you yet.Maybe I'll just die alone after all. is that you? Yeah.It means he's really out there. .Case. That's him. Sara Melas. But he will. the only date he's gonna need is with a real doctor." . ..What does that mean? . And if I ever meet him. Just as he's leaving. Vance. I'm so sorry.. You'll meet a great guy with a great smile and you'll travel the world together. I'd like to discuss the dating consultant you hired. hey there. my ass.No.

. I can only imagine how the trading floor guys will react when they see this. what do you know? I know this. You don't wanna talk. You have no proof. Okay.before you went out with Casey Sedgewick. no facts.Well. I'm a gossip columnist. how much will it cost me to stay out of this? I don't want money. Vance. All this for a lousy lay. not the DA. You just earned yourself a photo with a boldface caption. I'm going to write this anyway.I don't know his name. What? Nice. . that's fine. Are we satisfied? Almost. I want a name. .

you know what? I feel a little strange. Sweet Georgia Brown! What was that? No. I think. How are you? I'm good. actually.No. God! Mother of Troy! Hello? That's crazy.. You got to be.. I'm good. you.. that's just some guy screaming. Is this really necessary? Have you seen your back? No.. Just hearing your voice makes me smile. . No. but I see my front and maybe we should be starting with some sit-ups.

Dinner. I don't like you very much. You know. How about a do-over? . It's like one of those makeover shows. . under which you'd consider facial edema and pharmaceutical intervention a date? Probably not.Listen.What do you have in mind? . for moral support. my place. .That's a makeover show? . God! That's it. I'm getting up.It's Danish. is there any context.. Almost done! Friday? Can't. Because obviously going anywhere public with you is out of the question.. I told a friend I'd go speed dating. What is that? Wait.

So this is what this feels like? . All right. . . Great date. . Great. it feels like a. : ? Great. I mean. ."This" being? Great seats. here early in the first quarter. it wasn't so bad.See.God! Ball is back in play after a -second timeout.But tomorrow I'm free.Bye.All right. great game. was it? . ... Knicks lead the Grizzlies.Date? . . sort of. To me. Bye-bye.Yeah.

I'm sorry. I'll find you.Look at her. here's how it works. You ready? . That was it! You got it. God. It's all right. Do it again. Thank you. How does a guy like that end up with a girl like her? I am so jealous. Knicks off to a great start. noon. She looks so happy. Let's see what you got. Okay.It's fine.. . Damn me. All right.Oh. I've always wanted to be able to do that. No. don't worry. .. All right. I'm sorry. tomorrow. Really? Tonight is your lucky night. by the sea lions. Central Park Zoo.

. too. Good night. too.Yes? Hold on. Thanks. . Albert.Not yet. I like your lips. Good night.Allegra.Look how cute they are. But I got some great shots of you biting your nails. . Allegra. Albert. Good night. I had a great time. I had a great time tonight. . Good night. They seem to like you.Anything? .

Incoming. Make sure you get a good shot of his face. How long have you been in love with her? Her? About two-and-a-half years. . .Well. This is killing me. no matter who.Tall. it's a big story. . Take a look.What's he look like? . dark. . This is so great. They're shaking hands. Basic principles: No matter what. no matter when.Really? Yep. .Albert Brennaman. and handsome.How'd you get my card? . Geoff is managing to play it straight. I can't wait to nail this guy.

. You sure you want to do this? Why wouldn't I? Louise made an interesting observation on the way home the other night. . .Excellent guy. that you can see right through them. what.Great guy. He'll have to hide behind a lot more than that once this hits the fan.. She said people who are guarded are afraid.How'd you get my card? .Pleasure to meet you..Albert Brennaman. Geoff..Hey.. . . She meant you. What? Sara.Excellent guy. . isn't he? . isn't he? . That's why they hide behind layers of secrecy or humor.Great guy.

Business must be good. And stop calling me papi. this thing is like a bad penny. Well. Well. Yeah. Wow! So this is it. here's his shirt. it has its rewards. sure. I liked the guy. Thanks a lot. I believe this belongs to you.Why don't you think about it? Call me. Well. aren't you a sight for sore eyes.Thanks. Raoul. Yeah. Send her up. . Papi. . this is it. .What do you want me to say? That I like the guy? Yeah. Sara Melas is here to see you.

Spanish wine! How thoughtful are we? . that's okay. .Here.No.I'll bet.Sure. . But if you must lie. Hitch. Is that a noun or a verb? I guess it depends. or drink. let me pour that for you. what should we toast to? Never lie. I got this all covered. you know what? You can just sit back and relax. So. Well.You want some? . Tough day? You could say that. cheat. . steal. Let's see.

steal away from bad company. drink in the moments that take your breath away. too? Let me help you out with that. cheat death. then you have dessert.lie in the arms of the one you love. Look at this! Which one's the music? It does lights. If you must cheat. If you must steal. . What are you doing? How does it work. And if you must drink. this is nifty. I'm gonna check on the risotto. Now.. Did you just make that up? Make yourself at home. usually you have dinner.. exactly? Well.

I mean your thriving business. . How about you just get a cleaver. I'd be happy to sit and talk. I don't do interviews. What if I told you.What the hell is wrong with you? Nothing a front-page story can't cure. You start.No. that I know exactly what you do and how you do it? And I think it's despicable! You know what? We might need to go out to dinner. Great idea.. butcher? . maybe I would if you weren't snarling. But if you'd like to get back to the evening..Maybe I will! . Well. There's a great seafood restaurant I'd love to take you to.

. . What the hell are you talking about. somewhere amazing for our anniversary.I'm telling you. Maybe it's not your thing. Raoul? It's you. but maybe it is.You put them there! . Amir. you did! No.Excuse me. papi. my friend. how was she? Pretty good? How was she? I'll tell you! She was great! Isn't that the Date Doctor? . no? So. .He doesn't look anything like him. Do you know him? . Listen to me. I need to bring my partner. he did! The minute he called you! Dr. that's him.So that's what this is all about? Albert and Allegra on the front of your crap-ass newspaper? .No.No. Hitch.

you get numbers. You get two minutes each.. On three. Tony? You have got some serious explaining to do. Hitch. better luck next time. Women will remain seated. You all right? I can't really talk right now. the gong. two. four minutes total. Ma'am.I want you to look me in the eye and tell me that he did not hire you. Albert. I have never seen this man before in my life. Men will rotate to the left at the buzzer. If not. Tony. If it's mutual. okay? . So trade your talk time when you hear. One. See you later.. I'm kind of tied up.

Excuse me. I'd still have to say my favorite is Wagner. Albert Brennaman is a great man. .Thank you. My name is Ron. But despite the pan-Germanic anti-Semitism.Ladies. Case.. you are a living testimonial to the triumph of hope over experience. .. Bye. Albert Brennaman is a good man. In fact.Nice talking to you. Thanks for coming. I know it's lame. Bye. I'm sure it's the last thing you feel like doing. man. I really prefer Rachmaninoff to the heavier romantic composers. take your seats. . That's my seat. I'm .

. And then you're mad at me for what I do for a living? I've already got your number.What do you have against Allegra anyway? .Nothing. . . I bet. . I did ice climbing once.Is there a problem? . just one sec.Just like Sebastian? . so why don't you go consult your conscience? .the sun comes up.Albert is in love with her.. My interest is protecting women from assholes like you. the ice really starts to fall apart. I'm a lot of fun at parties.No.I just got out of a five-year relationship..And whose fault is that? . I like dogs. .. I'm sorry. ..You don't even know me..

..You want to sit down? Here you go. Basically. .. believe me. You're in my seat. .. Hi. Excuse me. But indoor sports have their place. Why don't you say what's really pissing you off? I've been waiting to talk to her. The truth? You wouldn't know the truth if it kicked you in the head. you're not supposed to move. so be it. too. And my job is to try to find the truth. There are certain aspects of my job that are secretive.Do you know this guy? .Thank you. You really. Gong! . I like outdoor sports. Actually..Apparently not. I'm doing you a favor. If Albert Brennaman has to take a fall for it.

. You researched me and you showed me my great-grandfather's signature. No.Hi. Casey. You handled me.I'm Alex Hitchens.. I work for a small publishing house in the press department. I'm on a date. Go.. Does it ever occur to women that maybe a guy might like to have a plan. You're Ellis Island? . which isn't actually where I want to be. Case.I'm Casey. it's okay. . ....Thank you. You manipulated me. Excuse me. because he's nervous? He's not sure that he could just walk up to you and you'd respond if he said: . But it's a good house. you're not helping.I thought that was real sweet.. Wait.

. you can't tell them you like them. . . That is what you did. and I did like you! I just didn't know I was being worked over by some professional. was when everything was going wrong or when you were stoned out of your head. Why don't you guys get back to your date? Or go somewhere. Do I know you? . ..You wanna see me be spontaneous? .I'm sorry to interrupt..No. The only time he was sincere or spontaneous. And I haven't gotten laid in a year! We're sorry. ." . He doesn't have a badge.I tried that."I like you. you want a Benadryl? This is really kind of distracting.Sure.That sounds good to me.True. I don't think so.I've crashed and burned on that. . It didn't go well.

I don't believe this. Wait.Maybe from the bank? If this doesn't work out. that's it. . Then you weren't listening. a big one! What the hell did I ever do to you? Am I missing something? Sir. He might hook you up with Paris Hilton. call him.You're the Date Doctor? . I heard every word.Do we have a problem here? Yeah. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. That's your source? You buried yourself. Alex. Why don't you go hit a titty bar with your buddy Vance? Wow. right? . You're the Date Doctor.

It's because of jerks like him that I even have a job.You trick women into getting.You're a scam artist. this is exactly why falling in love is so goddamn hard. And Vance Munson is a pig! And I refused to work with him. . You need to get your facts right..Into getting out of their own way.. so great guys like Albert Brennaman have a fighting chance. . Had a job. I want everybody to take a good look at this right now. let's go. Now. Can you believe that guy? . Sir... No. Because this right here...

" No comment.. . it turns out.Don't worry about it.I might just have. I just don't wanna be another reason for you to.. based on nothing. . This is off the record. I came to apologize. . I do.. .. complete me.. We're straight. I made some assumptions about you. But sometimes you're so guarded. ... I should've asked you.I guess Casey's right. Just shut up. My best friend....Actually. You had me at "hello.Shut up. You.

You? What you got there? This? I figured maybe if my heart stops beating. good. it wouldn't hurt so much.Hey. She hasn't called back? You want some coffee? I want you to fix it. .. . I just want to say I'm really sorry. That's a relief. Well. and I didn't mean to hurt you. .I'm not someone who likes to get involved past a certain point. You wanna do something? We should get out tonight.Yeah. You didn't. fella. Albert. I got nothing.. And that point was about a week ago.

You just don't get it. I've waited my whole life to feel this miserable. Just give it time. If this is the only way I can stay connected with her. then this is who I have to be.. my God. No. Oh. You can change. you can adapt. That's just it. I swear I'm going out of my mind. . Look. Ever again. do you? I get it. I don't want to. you will.Honestly. I see a cab and I wanna dive in front of it. You can make it so you don't ever have to feel like this. you don't.. because then I'll stop thinking about her. I never knew I could feel like this. I wanna throw myself off of every building in New York.

. But forgive me if I don't join you. Hitchens. This isn't about love for you at all.Where you going? . You're selling this stuff.Let me get this straight. Miss Cole. is it? This whole time. That man would've sold his soul to make you happy. Love is your job.Love is my life.No. You said it was a matter of life and death. thank you very much for seeing me. . be my guest.Skydiving. I thought I was the coward. Taxi! Mr. . but you don't believe in your own product. . You wanna jump out a plane without a chute.

Would you have noticed him otherwise? . Maybe. That was all you. right? No.Really? . . Like the boardroom. And having him dance like a buffoon knowing that I can't dance. either.Yes. you really did your homework. Hell. so I'd feel less like a dork. How did you know all that stuff about me? Well.So what does that make you.Eventually. . the devil? My job is not to deceive. Then telling him to drop mustard on his shirt. Miss Cole. Like at boarding school when everyone used to tease me because I couldn't whistle. no. It's to create opportunities. That was him? .

This was your plan the whole time? . that stuff worked for you? It was adorable. What did you do? Nothing. wait. He did not show you that. You sail off into the sunset with my girl? You were like a brother to me! .. .That's got Albert written all over it. So. He chucked it right before he kissed me. .He came here for you. Did you put him up to the inhaler? Stop it.. That's good.Albert. Absolutely nothing.

This is weird. .I love you. who is it? . . Close your mouth. I really love you.Yeah. I just wanted to stop by.I love you more. .Who? The guy you're choking. I got somewhere I gotta go. . I really do. See. basically.I love you more.. Look. .I love you. Can I talk to you? What? You almost hit me. . I don't have me behind the door. you know. this is the thing.Hitch.

. I just need. But I thought that.. everything would come out..Because I knew at some point I'd be..Can we close the door? .. I mean. Just. ... because I know.. Hitch? You.. just like this. but it's like. That's throwing me off.. What do you want. For a whole lot of reasons that don't make any sense to me. I know deep. just in this area. like just down. right here. what. can we. ..What? I'm sorry. that's what's crazy.. That's what's crazy.No...Are you serious? .. we've been on three dates? See.

really miserable. I want to be miserable. What the hell is wrong with you? .. I'll just put this in the car.. if that's what it takes for me to be happy then.. Like. I'm talking to me. Alex Hitchens. .. Maybe it's like what you said. Tom Reda. that didn't come out right... that I want. Because.No.. hey. not you.Nothing! . We should just both go our separate ways and then we'll do just fine. Wait..that I just know.

. and I don't care.Both of you. Sara.Keys. you don't.You okay? . Since when do we get anything right the first time? I'm a realist. Right here. and our time is right now. I'm just as scared as you are.You know how to drive a stick? . .No.What if fine isn't good enough? What if I want extraordinary? No such thing. shut up! . . I don't know who this is. and I know what love does to people. Well. There you go. what about before? I am a guy. What I do know is he'll never feel about you the way that I do. But I'm right here.

falling.. And there's only one person that makes me feel like I can fly.Yeah. .He jumped on the car. and neither will I! Maybe I should drive.Why? Because that's what people do.. Because otherwise. Sara. what happened? . I'm fine. . wondering the whole way down: "Why in the hell did I jump?" But here I am. we just drop like a rock.. Are you trying to get yourself killed? If that's what it takes.. Sara. You'll never be fine.. They leap and hope to God they can fly. No.

Maria. And that's her husband. This is the guy I was telling you about. my God! Are you all right? Grandma. I love you. huh? Oh. that's my sister. I know. If I say it back now. So. Tom. Hitch. what happened? . Where's your date? Don't have one. Her husband... it'll sound so stupid. you kind of like me? No. I love you.That's you. and I knew it from the first. Shocking.

. Ask her to dance. Special help by SergeiK . Basic principles: There are none.Forget it.This young lady just saved my life.I'm Casey. Just go. .And this. Well. if you insist.Charles Wellington. ... .

Sign up to vote on this title
UsefulNot useful