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A full-length play By Larry Nehring
Contact: Larry Nehring 1342 Beach Pkwy., Apt. #1 Lakewood, OH 44107 216.965.8409 LNehring@aol.com
SCENE 1 A cabin in the canadian rockies There is mud tracked everywhere. It is obvious that many people have been treading all over this room. All but one have left, and he is on a cell phone. He is clearly a government agent, FBI or NSA. CONNORS We followed them here and the trail ended. One was shot, but they’ve gone. ... Dogs racked the ... blood. They must have gotten picked up in the clearing. ... Perhap t was parked here all along. I don’t know. None one saw it leave. One minute they were there, and the next... gone. ... Evidence of one death, but the blood trail continued past, then just ended. In sight of the cabin. ... We are so close this time. One is injured and cannot have gone far. But he would never hole himself up in so obvious a place. Doesn’t fit the profile. ... I sent the team in the opposite direction, but we still had to do a thorough sweep of the cabin. ... Apaches are covering the entire valley. ... The remains are en route to the lab, but I doubt it will be any different than any of the others. But we have the samples we were able to track. They can’t hide forever. Its been too long and they have to make a mistake. ... The owner of the cabin? You saw who it is? I realize this makes things more difficult, but even if we would have known before.... The owner of the cabin enters from outside. M CREADY --and don’t think that i dont know why you are doing this! You sons-of-bitches! You know very well who I am and you were sent here to remind me! CONNORS Yes, that’s him. M CREADY Yeah, its me, asshole! Now get the fuck out of my home and get your goons off my property! Connors hanging up the phone. CONNORS M r. M cReedy--
M CREADY M ick-Reedy! Don’t they teach you anything in the academy anymore? M ack-Reddy! Fucking stooge moron. CONNORS M r. M cReady-M CREADY And its Doctor, you fuck! read the goddamn file! CONNORS M y apologies... sir. We were on the trail of a terrorist cell and they crossed into your property. M CREADY Didnt you see the “No Tresspassing” signs? CONNORS Yes we did-M CREADY And still you came barging in without permission! CONNORS We were chasing-M CREADY Terrorists! In the Canadian Rockies! Last time I checked Jihadists preferred warmer climates, lower altitudes, and weren’t in fucking British Columbia! CONNORS Nonetheless-M CREADY Fuck you! I know my rights! I am now a Canadian citizen so you have no jurisdiction here! Now get the hell off my property! CONNORS We have the permission of the Canadian government, in fact, a number of the agents in the field are RCM P, as you could plainly see.
M CREADY I can read, dickhead. CONNORS So we do have jurisdiction. M CREADY No. You have permission to investigate. Very different. The man who kicked in my door was NSA. The four men who pointed guns at me were NSA, and no canadians entered my cabin until i had been thrown to the floor and three dogs were tearing apart my couch and book shelves. Don’t play games with me! CONNORS We were working together on this investigation. M CREADY Bullshit. your NSA goons were the ones who cuffed me and dragged me, an old man, out into the goddamn mud in the middle of the night! the RCM P are too damn polite to be useful when NSA fucks like you start pushing their dicks in everyone’s faces. You don’t collaborate with them. Never have. you kick them in the balls just like you do the press. CONNORS Your footprints clearly go from the cabin, across the clearing, and back. M CREADY Lemme guess, sherlock. The ones coming back are deeper. CONNORS They might be. M CREADY You caught me. I am in violation of national security protocols. I went outside tonight. I ran across the clearing and returned with an armload of contraband. And i put it down over there, then i collapsed into my chair as if nothing had ever happened. But you caught me! guess in Guantanamo i won’t have to go out in the frigid night to fetch wood anymore, ya dumb shit! Did you notice that huge fucking stack of wood i spent the summer splitting? CONNORS You went for fire wood?
M CREADY I do that quite a lot. Sometimes i even pee out there. Don’t suppose you would need to dust for pee prints. But you’ll find them all around this clearing and marking my cabin at every corner and post. Keeps the critters away. except of course for the rodents like you. I fetch wood about three or four times a day, grab an armful and come back. That might just be why the prints were deeper in the mud coming back. fifty pounds of wood will do that. And a ran like the devil because i didn’t have my coat on. CONNORS And you saw no one in the clearing? M CREADY It was two o’clock in the morning! I was asleep in my easy chair with Silverlock on my lap. CONNORS Your cat? M CREADY No, you douchbag, the book your dog destroyed. See? You are getting billed for everything that got fucked up! You know that, right! CONNORS And you say you had been drinking? M CREADY What the fuck else is there to do up here at night? Its too fucking cold at night to run down to the lake for some skinny dipping! i’m too damn old for it and i don’t like fish nibbling at my pecker! So i pour myself some jack and read a good book. Something you should try once in a while, cocksucker. CONNORS Can we please dial down the profanity? M CREADY Why, anne of green fucking gables, does it offend your virginal sensi-fucking-bilities you egotistical overbearing douchebag for a brain mother fucker? CONNORS I am asking again nicely.
M CREADY Fuck you! CONNORS Doctor, how much do you drink every night? M CREADY Are we done? CONNORS Not yet. you had quite a collection of empty bottles stacked in the garage. M CREADY Now they are scattered all over my fucking garage! Look at the mess you made in here! And you spilled an entire bottle of my gentleman jack all over the floor there. The place reeks! CONNORS M ost of that was there when we entered. the bottle was on the floor beside the bookcase. M CREADY You kicked in my fucking door and gave me a fucking heart attack! You are lucky i didnt die right there or i’d sue your asses off! CONNORS It was a wonder you slept through all the noise from outside. There were a dozen helicopters and even a few gunshots. M CREADY I fell asleep listening to Shostakovich. one’s dreams can be violent with his melodies. CONNORS We were afraid you might have been killed. M CREADY You were the ones waving and shooting guns! Not me! CONNORS We were in pursuit of dangerous individuals who have killed innocent bystanders before.
M CREADY Right, your mountain jihadists. Up here striking fear in the heart of canucks. ready to suicide bomb the ski lifts at Banff any day now. CONNORS This really isnt a joking matter to us. M CREADY Of course not. You have to defend your jobs not. Not like Homeland Security and the Halliburton/Blackwater gravy train where the greatest threat to the airlines was a tube of toothpaste or a bottle of water. CONNORS Terrorism is a greater threat now-M CREADY It is not! The only threat that ever caused terrorism is oppression, and Americans have always been the worst hypocrites. We tried to force the world to become M cDonalds franchises and they fought back. When they couldn’t stop the aggressive business aggression they resorted to protests, flag burnings and finally blowing up the joints. And good riddance i say! When restaurants stop selling food and convince stupid people that they really don’t need to be healthy to find happiness then those businesses need to be blown up. CONNORS And many people agreed with you. M CREADY Nice try, but your former director was a much better speaker than you. He couldn’t paint this journalist as the perpetrator no more than could he defend his actions, and those of the administrations who threw up the smoke screen. CONNORS Terrorists want to take lives-M CREADY No! They want to keep their own lives! They want their religions and their beliefs. They want to be their own culture and don’t want whoppers crammed down their collective throats. and what do you care anyway? You wear your suits and your wing tips and you still bully people with half truths trying to get them to turn in anyone who says america sucks to their neighbor.
CONNORS When an american says it that is considered treason. M CREADY No that is considered voicing opposition or better yet, free speech. Churches could protest soldiers’ funerals but we had to call them freedom fries?! How moronic was that? And anyone who spoke out about anything was called communist and discredited. Way to run the bastion of freedom. CONNORS Didnt stop you. M CREADY I am a journalist. Was. I found the truth and published it. And you and all of your kind just got mad because i showed the proof that it was all a lie. I had the emails and the memos and the budgets to show who was paying for the propaganda and who was pocketing the billions. Homeland security, my ass. Did you read the full report? CONNORS All three hundred pages. M CREADY There were more than five hundred, so you were given about half. And you think you know the truth, that i am some kind of traitor to my country living in exile. someone online leaks a few thousand emails and the world stands on it ear because now the saudi generals know that the swiss ambassador thinks he has gained a lot of weight and maybe they shoud stop sending chocolates and cheese as gifts. ooh, the world is outraged! CONNORS Yours was much worse. M CREADY Of course it fucking was! M ine was the truth! And noting is worse than the truth! We werent safer after 9/11, we were worse off, we were paying to be kept scared. We should have sent them food and aid and let them fight their own battles. they were brewing anyway. All their educated youth were returning from the US and bringing back the founding fathers wit them. but no, god knows reaganomics hates an educated workforce. Why the hell am i talking to you? wasting my words on a navy seal in a suit. CONNORS I beg your pardon?
M CREADY Not granted. Get out. Tomorrow morning i will have your head on a platter. I worked at the Times. If you think this is over you are a fool. CONNORS They won’t run the story. M CREADY They will print whatever i give them. Even if its controversial they will sell actual paper copies, none of those online facsimiles. CONNORS Trust me, it won’t see the light of day. M CREADY Terror suspects? In canada? Fox news probably already has their strategy team prepped. CONNORS This is not the kind of story the people need to know about. M CREADY You think so? And who are you to decide that? CONNORS M y department has special jursdiction. M CREADY Last time i heard that was in reference to Roswell. CONNORS We will be in touch with you. I assume you will be in contact with your former paper whether or not i give you an explicit command. M CREADY You don’t command me. You have no authority over me. You are america and i was stripped of my citizenship, remember. I owe you nothing but contempt. i’m sorry, did i stymie your little attempt at interrogation? CONNORS Just a few more questions.
M CREADY No. You leave now. I will itemize the damages and follow the canadian procedures for very politely getting you to pay for the destruction and the invasion of my privacy. CONNORS As long as you aren’t harboring any fugitives we will gladly pay for any damages. M CREADY You said terrorists. CONNORS I’m sorry? M CREADY Before it was terrorists, now its fugitives, outside one of your guys said, “aliens.” Who are you after, exactly? CONNORS I am not at liberty to say. M CREADY After all this destruction you can’t even tell me who i was supposed to have seen outside my cabin? CONNORS You said you saw no one. M CREADY I didnt even see my book. I was drunk and asleep. I didnt hear any planes or helicopters or gunshots either. CONNORS Planes? M CREADY How they supposedly escaped from your intrepid bloodhounds. You were just making excuses to your superiors. I heard. CONNORS The trail just ends outside.
M CREADY And you think they must have been heading to my cabin. CONNORS Who was? M CREADY Your terror-fugitive-aliens. CONNORS It would make sense that they would try to hide here. M CREADY The last person to come through that door before your goons was me. I grabbed my book, poured some jack, and collapsed into my chair. That’s the last i remember. Connors gets a message over his earpiece. CONNORS Its went down on the northern ridge? Wilson is the closest. ... Right away, sir. (to mcready) If you think of anything else, do not hesitate to call me. M y card. M CREADY I will neither hesitate nor call you. But this card will be very useful to my lawyers. CONNORS Good evening. (to earpiece) on our way. (yelling to the men outside) M yers, get them to Wilson’s grid! We have a touchdown! Crash and burn! The eagle has landed, people! M ove! Connors exits the cabin and mcready grabs a bottle of jack and follows him to the door. M CREADY And get that hummer out of my herb garden! fuck off the lot of you! crash and burn on someone else’s cabbage patch! The sounds of cars and men and dogs leaving and finally the chopper above them. There are lights, etc. M cready slams the door but quickly moves to the curtains and closes them tightly.
once they are closed he immediately appears sober and grabs his cell phone. he turns down most of the lights so te room is very dark with only spotty illumination. M CREADY Johnson! This a secure line? ... It had better be. ... I need you to get Elliot of the horn and do you still have those five-one files? ... Yes, those! ... fuck the libyan ambassador, NSA just trashed my cabin. Shit just went down and we need to know why. ... I’ll wait, but no more than five minutes or i call someone else. ... No, not CNN, Turner can lick my balls! I’ll go for the big guys. ... You think I don’t have Jon Stewart’s cell phone on speed dial? so hurry up, you fat fuck. ... Tell martha i’m sorry to wake her. He hangs up and sets the phone down. He stands staring at the wall bookcase. After a moment he reaches up and releases a switch and the bookcase swings out revealing a panic room door. He enters a code and that door swings open. M CREADY Are you okay? do you understand english? If you did i’m sure you heard everything that’s happened on the monitor, but don’t worry i won’t turn you over to them. their whole agency makes Schultz look like Jack Bauer. You have no idea what i am talking about do you? Hogans heroes? Twenty-four? Doesnt matter. They are all gone and i can help you if you want me to. He takes a step towards the panic room but responds to a wave from its occupant. M CREADY No problem. The windows are covered and they didnt find my panic room, so you’re safe. Take your time. If there is anything you need, just ask. I only know english and a few phrases in... nothing useful. Kaifa haloka? Kaifa haloki? M itoonam ke komaketoon konam? M e llamo Tomas. Sprekensie Deutsch? tlhIngan Hol Dajatlh'e'? Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari? (in ASL) M E HELP-YOU CAN? There is no discernible response.
M CREADY I don’t know what will be of help to you, but if i have it here, its yours. His cell phone rings and he answers it. M CREADY Its about fucking time. Do you have the files? ... Yeah, and he is ready for me? ... at nine? That lazy fuck. Its not like sarah was his kid, anyways, so why does he care about thhose grandkids? ... he’s a fucking ginger and the kids look like the jonas fucking brothers. ... Fine, i’ll call at eight. ... no i am not shitting you. At least forty suits and shades running through the woods with sniffers and two blackhawks running silent. ... you sure this is secure? ... Okay you email me the files and i will talk to Elliot and see what he has to say. ... Of course i am sure. As sure as the red bar across the ID badges i saw. ... they were not chasing a Libyan cell up here! ... I was in Libya and heard them yelling. These were not Libyans! ... Keep on them, because something is up here and its no border crossing. ... the air field to the west, what was the last movement there? ... No testing? No new propulsion systems? ... Okay, i havent heard any DOD talk lately but you never know. ... yeah, something had a distinct sound. Like a whine. whatever it was its smokey treats on the mountain now. ... I’ll talk to elliot. ... no. I didnt make contact with any of them. but they got away from the sniffers and i gotta believe at least one of them is still out there somewhere. ... No, i’m not going out until the sun is up. Do you think i have a death wish? the clouds are too thick tonight that the moon ain’t for shit. I’m staying in until i can get a look for myself. ... don’t worry i won’t call stewart or colbert. I respect them both too much for this shit. Eight. ... Bye. He hangs up.