THE SOLVE-IT-YOURSELF BROADWAY MUSICAL BOOK, MUSIC, AND LYRICS BY RUPERT HOLMES

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The Mystery of Edwin Drood is forever dedicated to the lovely memory of WENDY ISOBEL HOLMES (1976-1986)

Time:

1892

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THE MUSIC HALL ROYALE Programme for this evening: Opening comments by Your Chairman, Mr. William Cartwright immediately followed by: The Music Hall Royale’s Premiere Presentation of THE MYSTERY OF EDWIN DROOD Scenes: ACT I: PROLOGUE THE SITUATION Scene 1 The home of John Jasper at Minor Canon Corner in the cathedral city of Cloisterham. A morning in late December. The conservatory at The Nun’s House, a seminary for young women in the Cloisterham High Street. Later that morning. The lair of the Princess Puffer in the East End of London. Dawn, the next day. Cloisterham High Street. The following afternoon. The graveyard of Cloisterham Cathedral. Early Christmas Eve. In front of curtain. The home of John Jasper. A short time later. Minor Canon Corner. Christmas Day. Stage of the Music Hall Royale.

Scene 2

Scene 3 Scene 4 Scene 5 Scene 6 Scene 7

ACT II ENTR’ACTE THE SLEUTHS Scene 1 Scene 2 Cloisterham Station. Six months later. Minor Canon Corner Stage of The Music Hall Royale

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Dawn. 5 . near the Cathedral.THE VOTING Stage of the Music Hall Royale immediately followed by: THE SOLUTION Cloisterham High Street.

Christopher Lyon Mr. Nick Cricker Master Nick Cricker Miss Florence Gill Mr. Nicolas Michael Mr. Montague Pruitt Mr. Philip Bax Miss Sarah Cook Mr. Stage Manager and Barkeep _________________________________________________________________ JOHN JASPER EDWIN DROOD ROSA BUD WENDY (non-speaking) BEATRICE (non-speaking) HELENA LANDLESS NEVILLE LANDLESS THE REVEREND MR. Medford Moss Mr. Montague Pruitt Miss Gwendolen Pynn Mr. Nicholas Michael Mr. Harry Sayle Mr. James Hitchens Mr. Christopher Lyon Miss Gwendolen Pynn Miss Sarah Cook Miss Florence Gill Miss Isabel Yearsley Master Nick Cricker Mr. Thomas Purcell. Clive Paget Miss Alice Nutting Miss Deirdre Peregrine Miss Isobel Yearsley Miss Florence Gill Miss Janet Conover Mr. James Throttle Miss Isabel Yearsley SATYR (dancer) WAITER MAIDS (non-speaking) HORACE BAZZARD DICK DATCHERY CITIZENS OF CLOISTERHAM 6 . Cedric Moncrieffe Miss Angela Prysock Mr. Chairman Mr. Phillip Bax Miss Violet Balfour Miss Gwendolen Pynn Mr. CRISPARKLE THE PRINCESS PUFFER MAYOR THOMAS SAPSEA DURDLES DEPUTY FLO SHADE OF DROOD (dancer) SHADE OF JASPER (dancer) CLIENTS OF PUFFER (dancers) SUCCUBAE (dancers) Mr. Phillip Bax ???????? Miss Violet Balfour Mr. James Throttle. maestro of The Music Hall Royale Orchestra Mr. Harry Sayle Mr. Victor Grinstead Mr. Alan Eliot Mr. Alan Eliot Miss Florence Gill Mr.Cast (in order of appearance) for The Music Hall Royale: Mr. William Cartwright.

“THERE YOU ARE” — Chairman & Company “TWO KINSMEN” — Drood & Jasper “MOONFALL” — Rosa “THE WAGES OF SIN” — Puffer “JASPER’S VISION” — Ballet “A BRITISH SUBJECT” — Helena. 6. 17. Crisparkle. 7. or Bazzard. or Neville.THE MYSTERY OF EDWIN DROOD Musical Synopsis: ACT I 1. with Company ACT II 12. 14. Rosa. Drood. 16. Rosa. 2. 18. Jasper & Bazzard “NEVER THE LUCK” — Bazzard with Ensemble “OFF TO THE RACES” — Chairman. Neville. Crisparkle. 9. 10. 11. 13. or Crisparkle or Rosa 7 . Drood. with Company “DON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD” — Puffer & Company “THE GARDEN PATH” — Puffer “PUFFER’S REVELATION” — Puffer “OUT ON A LIMERICK” — Helena. 4. 5. 3. Helena. with Ensemble “BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN” — Jasper & Chairman with Ensemble “PERFECT STRANGERS” — Drood and Rosa “NO GOOD CAN COME FROM BAD” — Neville. “ENGLAND REIGNS” — Chairman with Ensemble — [optional number] “A PRIVATE INVESTIGATION” — Datchery & Puffer with Ensemble “THE NAME OF LOVE & MOONFALL” [Reprise] — Rosa & Jasper. 15. 8. Durdles & Deputy.

or Jasper. or Crisparkle. or Helena. or Neville. or Deputy. 21. 8 1-P-1 . or Durdles “PERFECT STRANGERS” [Duet — Reprise] — Rosa. 24. or Puffer with Bazzard. or Durdles. or Sapsea. or Bazzard. 20. or Neville. “JASPER’S CONFESSION” — Jasper “MURDERER’S CONFESSION” — Helena. or Puffer.-2.Musical Synopsis 19. with Company “THE WRITING ON THE WALL” — Drood. with Company BOWS — “DON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD” — Company EXIT — Orchestra 22. 23. or Rosa. or Crisparkle.

ACT I — PROLOGUE (LONDON. CHAIRMAN of The Music Hall Royale. conductor.. then assaults the air as the orchestra gives a fanfare and commences a musical vamp. in the company of several dancers. the members of the COMPANY mingle with them in the aisles. where we discover WILLIAM CARTWRIGHT. LOOK AT HIM — (I REST MY CASE). poised like a tightrope artist. As the audience take their seats. raising their voices until the theatre is quite ababble. welcoming them to The Music Hall Royale and explaining how the voting for tonight’s performance will take place. JUDGE EACH CREATURE OF OUR RACE BY EACH FEATURE IN HIS FACE. THOMAS PURCELL. WELL THERE YOU ARE! AND IT MATTERS NOT TO ME WHAT PART OF TOWN YOU’VE COME FROM. THE TIME IS THE PRESENT: 1892. HE COULD BE THE RABBLE OR THE RUSSIAN CZAR. The COMPANY members direct the audience’s attention to the stage. “THERE YOU ARE” CHAIRMAN WHAT’S A KING WITHOUT HIS CROWN? TAKE AWAY HIS THRONE AND GOWN.) 1. AND CHAIRMAN & COMPANY (From theatre aisles) THERE YOU ARE! HOW VERY GLAD WE ARE THAT THERE YOU ARE! IT ISN’T WHO YOU ARE BUT CHAIRMAN CHAIRMAN & COMPANY CHAIRMAN 9 . raises his arms.. WE BUT CHEER YOU’VE MADE IT HERE AT ALL! HERE WITHIN THIS GARISH PARISH CALLED THE MUSIC HALL.

Bill! PRYSOCK [If from aisle:] I’m finally walking down the aisle. my dear. AND GRATEFUL ARE WE TO SEE HOW FINE AND FAIR YOU ARE! THERE YOU ARE! 1-P-2 CHAIRMAN & COMPANY CHAIRMAN CHAIRMAN & COMPANY CHAIRMAN Angela! Angela. Bill! CHAIRMAN Ah. are you out there? PRYSOCK [If from Box:] I’m up here in the Royale Box.WHERE YOU ARE.) Victor! CHAIRMAN GRINSTEAD AND THESE LOVELY PEOPLE WILL BRAVO ME MORE OR LESS! Deirdre! 10 CHAIRMAN . AND THERE YOU ARE. there you are! And who’s that with you then? PRYSOCK I HAVE NOTICED A TALL GENT WHO SEEMS SIGULARLY BENT UPON FINDING ENOUGH ROOM TO PLACE HIS KNEES! Alice! CHAIRMAN NUTTING (From another part of the theatre) I’M CONSIDERING A CHAP WHO JUST WOKE UP FROM A NAP FOR WHICH SIN I FEEL HE MUST DESERVE A TEASE! Clive! CHAIRMAN PAGET (From the stalls) I’VE A LADY DOWN IN FRONT WHOSE FACE IS QUITE FAMILIAR… (I COULD USE A RIDE BACK HOME TONIGHT.

. HE is instantly and indisputably in charge of both the moment and the evening)* CHAIRMAN Thank you. watching the proceedings with interest and amusement. etc. His reappearance as narrator from some unexpected part of the stage or theatre can be most dramatic. thank you so very much! Good evening and welcome. the Chairman is present on stage for the entire show. he will probably need a break. JUST SLIGHTLY WEST OF LEICESTER SQUARE YOU ARE YES. SO LIGHTENING QUICK LET’S ALL KICK UP A FUSS! WE CAN BUT PRAY YOUR TRUST IS BLIND IN US.1-P-3 PEREGRINE (From the other aisle) AND THIS GENTLEMAN’S BEEN FLIRTING WITH THE LADY ON HIS RIGHT! CHAIRMAN & COMPANY THERE YOU ARE! HOW DISTINGUE AND DEBONAIR YOU ARE. a very warm welcome to all of you on this most thrilling of evenings here at The Music Hall Royale. WE WANT YOU AND NOT A LOT WE CARE FOR WHERE YOU’VE BEEN. THERE YOU ARE! THAT THANKFUL WE ALL SHOULD BE FOR WELL-AWARE WE ARE...... the graveyard scene through the end of the dinner scene.] 11 1-P-4 . Practically. which he can take in several of the long stretches that do not require his presence: the ballet. ACT I — THE SITUATION Ladies and Gentlemen. AND NOT A JOT WE CARE HOW YOU GOT IN: WE BUT CARE THAT THERE YOU ARE! (Shouted!) DAMNED IF THERE YOU ARE! (The CHAIRMAN goes immediately into his introductory remarks. tonight we have the privilege of presenting for your approval the premiere performances of. and leading the audience’s applause (except during the voting or his own numbers). (THROTTLE raps his gavel) The Mystery.... (All members of the COMPANY join the CHAIRMAN on stage) SO TAKE YOUR FILL AND JUST UNWIND IN US! A WARMLY WICKED FRAME OF MIND IN US YOU’LL FIND IN US. (Two sharp raps of same) *[Theoretically.

Then. looking down front at an audience member) Not that much. ladies and gentlemen. Charles Dickens was full halfway through the creation of The Greatest Mystery Novel Of Our Time. leaving behind not the slightest hint as to the outcome he had intended for his bizarre and uncompleted puzzle: The Mystery Of Edwin Drood. our own Mr. everyone! Kick off your boots. loosen your corsets…and enjoy yourselves! (The COMPANY heartily endorses his suggestion. madam.Of Edwin Droooood! (A final rap) CHAIRMAN & COMPANY CHAIRMAN This being a Musicale with Dramatic Interludes. 12 CHAIRMAN 1-P-5 . I shall be asking you to Vote upon key questions regarding the outcome of our plot. Our company will then make its most earnest effort to meet this supreme challenge: to contrive An Ending in Accordance with Your Specifications. when together we reach that point in our story beyond which Charles Dickens wrote No More. (Orchestra begins a stately theme) Tonight. as you are no doubt aware. when he committed the one ungenerous deed of his noble career: He Died. however. (PURCELL cuts off orchestra) So come on. Now.

. (Gavel once) The Mystery. 13 ....So let us proceed with this evening’s bill of fare: for the first time ever. A wintry shudder goes through the giant elms as they shed a gush of tears. (Gavel twice) CHAIRMAN & COMPANY Of Edwin Drood!! (A final rap and orchestra Gothic fanfare as the COMPANY exists) CHAIRMAN Cloisterham! The ancient. moldering cathedral city of Cloisterham! Not a particularly encouraging setting for the Christmas season now upon us. the completed musical rendition of.

1-1-6 ACT I Scene 1 (MINOR CANON CORNER in the cathedral city of Cloisterham. framed in the doorway) DROOD My dear uncle! (THEY embrace. John Jasper. (Ecclesiastical music stops. choirmaster of Cloisterham Cathedral. John Jasper is blessed with a voice the angels themselves might envy. and vocal instructor. CLIVE PAGET! (Gavel bang.) Insert: “A Man Could Go Quite Mad” (CHAIRMAN continues boldly) CHAIRMAN Who. The curtains part to reveal the home of JOHN JASPER. robe and cassock) Choirmaster. young Edwin Drood! (Off) DROOD Hallo uncle! JASPER Why. (Music segues to a hymn. dear ladies and gentlemen. PAGET acknowledges the ensuing applause with a rakish smile. A morning in late December. displaying several sets of teeth. Enter JASPER in scarf. and the title character of our evening’s diversion. PAGET instantly steps back into character) CHAIRMAN John Jasper eagerly awaits the arrival of his beloved nephew. organist. PAGET/JASPER is obviously the principle male for The Theatre Royale. there’s the lad now! (DROOD appears. With total disregard of the character HE is portraying. more suited to assay the role of John Jasper than that gifted vocalist himself. Brassy fanfare and huzzahs from the shills. your very own MR. within which rests a portrait of ROSA BUD) CHAIRMAN And here we are in the home of Mr. As the orchestra strikes a resounding chord. composer. Tableau) 14 1-1-7 .

CHAIRMAN (Stepping forward) Yes, ladies and gentlemen, your eyes do not deceive you. A warm round of applause if you will for tonight’s guest artiste and London’s leading actress! Tonight she hides her distinctive form beneath the garb of young Edwin Drood. Ladies and gentlemen: Miss Alice Nutting! (Fanfare as CHAIRMAN leads applause, then retires as DROOD/NUTTING breaks her embrace with JASPER, bows winsomely. She wears cap and trousers, to charming effect. We are smitten) Any dinner, Uncle? DROOD

JASPER (Pouring glasses of sherry) You forgot, Ned, that “Uncle” and “Nephew” are words prohibited here by express agreement. DROOD (Accepting sherry from JASPER) Of course you’re right, John. After all, we do have only a half dozen years or so between our ages. (JASPER starts to sip) Hallo, Jack! Don’t drink yet! I must propose a toast. A toast to what, Ned? JASPER

DROOD He asks to what! (Turns to portrait) To Rosa. (Faintly) JASPER

Rosa.

DROOD To the fair Miss Rosa Bud. Surely you’ve not forgotten that Rosa and I are soon to be wed? JASPER It has not quite slipped my mind. DROOD Yes, a tedious ceremony in your creaking cathedral, John, then off with my wonderfully pretty child-bride to dusty Egypt, where I intend to shake things up a bit!

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JASPER It is certain, then? Egypt seems a desperate great distance. DROOD Indeed it is, John. (Noticing portrait of ROSA) This portrait of Rosa is not one of my better efforts, Jack, yet you choose to hang it here. In heavens name, why? JASPER Because it reminds me of... you, Ned. And of the happiness I wish you and Rosa. DROOD (Moodily) Oh, I’m sure we’ll be quite happy...though our courtship suffers from an unavoidable flatness, owing to the fact that my dead and gone father and her dead and gone father had as good as married us at birth. Why the devil couldn’t they have left us alone? Tut, tut, dear boy — JASPER

DROOD Tut, tut? Yes, it’s all very well for you, Jack. You have the freedom to love whomsoever you choose. (DROOD stops himself, alarmed by something HE sees in JASPER’s face) JASPER Don’t stop, dear fellow, do go on. DROOD Have I hurt your feelings, John? JASPER How could you have hurt my feelings? (HE immediately staggers back against whatever furniture will support him) DROOD Good heavens, Jack, you look frightfully ill! There’s a strange film come over your eyes! JASPER (Forcing a smile and straightening himself) I — I have been taking — medicine for a pain — an agony that overcomes me. I’ve been forced of late to seek — treatment in London. Fear not, the effects will soon be gone. My dear Uncle! DROOD

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JASPER Then take it as a warning! And Ned...Edwin...this is a confidence between us. DROOD It shall be sacredly preserved, John. JASPER I have confided in you because — DROOD Because we are fast friends, and because you love and trust me as I love and trust you! Both hands, Jack! (THEY clasp crossed hands) 2. “TWO KINSMEN” MY DEAREST UNCLE JACK! MY DEAREST NEPHEW NED! DROOD JASPER

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BOTH A LIFE WITHOUT YOUR FRIENDSHIP WOULD BE LIFE AS GOOD AS DEAD! JASPER

THE WINDS ABOUT MAY BLOW, BUT AS YOU WELL MAY KNOW, I’LL HEED YOUR CALL, NO NEED TOO SMALL, AND FACE THE FIRE BELOW FOR YOU!
FOR YOU! FOR YOU! FOR YOU! DROOD JASPER DROOD

BOTH TWO KINSMEN, MORE THAN BROTHERS! WE KNOW NO NEXT OF KIN AND YET WE KNOW NO OTHERS CLOSER ‘NEATH THE SKIN. THE BLOOD THAT FLOWS BETWEEN US, THE BONDS THAT TIE US TWAIN; TWO KINSMEN WHEN ALL OTHERS FLEE THEN WE REMAIN! 17

IF BY MY DEATH ONE EXTRA BREATH OF LIFE FOR YOU I’D BUY. ladies and gentlemen! Thank you. then exit together as the curtain closes. THE BONDS THAT TIE US TWAIN. thank you indeed for that splendid duo! (The two acknowledge audience and CHAIRMAN’s applause. ‘TIS TRUE! ‘TIS TRUE! FOR YOU! FOR YOU! JASPER DROOD JASPER BOTH TWO KINSMEN. MORE THAN BROTHERS! WE KNOW NO NEXT OF KIN AND YET WE KNOW NO OTHERS CLOSER ‘NEATH THE SKIN. I WOULD MAKE THEM TAKE THEM BACK! A LOYAL LAD AM I WHO’D BE BUT GLAD TO DIE. THE BLOOD THAT FLOWS BETWEEN US. TWO KINSMEN WHEN ALL OTHERS FLEE THEN WE REMAIN! ‘TIS TRUE! ‘TIS TRUE! FOR YOU! FOR YOU! TRUE KINSMEN ARE WE TWO! DROOD JASPER DROOD JASPER BOTH CHAIRMAN Miss Alice Nutting and Mr. 18 . Clive Paget.1-1-10 MY DEAREST NEPHEW NED! JASPER DROOD MY DEAREST UNCLE JACK! IF MEN SAY WORDS AGAINST YOU.

aptly if not correctly named. two voices at the same time seems almost an embarrassment of riches…although looking at some of you down here. who. I doubt that you’d be embarrassed by much. like Drood.” 19 .1-1-11 CHAIRMAN (continued) At these prices. Rosa resides at Cloisterham’s most respectable seminary for young ladies. “The Nun’s House. is an orphan. the fair Miss Rosa Bud. But to continue our story: (Music: underscoring starts) Young Edwin Drood is visiting Cloisterham to offer his regards to his bride-to-be.

as you know.1-2-12 ACT I Scene 2 (A seminary for young women in Cloisterham High Street. my dear? 20 . JASPER enters briskly. your own nephew Edwin and I will be departing for Egypt once we are married. PEREGRINE/ROSA rushes out of the set and towards us. with whom SHE giggles on cue for no apparent reason. Rosa. WENDY & BEATRICE. the happiest of birthdays to you! I only pray I may be able to say these words on each of your birthdays. beyond which are trellises and a hint of foliage) CHAIRMAN Ladies and gentleman. And in what condition is your voice today. (JASPER glares at the other GIRLS who runs from the room) How lovely you look! I have awaited your birthday with eagerness. in the part of Rosa Bud this evening. Mr. that blossoming bud. SHE curtsies and returns to the other GIRLS. Eagerness. ROSA I fear — I fear that is not likely. (Music out) the unspeakably lovely Deirdre Peregrine! (Music: fanfare. Later than morning. JASPER It was only a wish. Curtain opens to reveal the conservatory of The Nun’s House. Jasper? ROSA JASPER Yes. that most delicate of English roses. since. a charming room with a piano to one side near French windows. music manuscript in hand) JASPER Rosa. your voice will no longer be as subject to the fluctuations of adolescence.

I’LL LAY. perhaps that question should best be answered by you. please. MOONFALL THAT POURS FROM YOU. Mr. whatever do you mean? JASPER ROSA I do not — I am not worthy of it. LIGHT MADE FROM STARS THAT ALL-TO-SOON FALL. YOUR BODY WARMS THE CHILL OF MOONFALL. Sir. BETWEEN OUR EYES. AND DRESS MYSELF IN DEW. LET NOTHING INTERVENE. JASPER (Handing her a manuscript) I have composed a song especially for you. (ROSA returns to the piano. my Life’s Blood is the most I can afford to offer. BEFORE THE CLOAK OF NIGHT REVEALS THE MORN. I’LL BATHE IN MOONFALL. (SHE commences. as SHE watches JASPER watching her) 3. ALL SOUND IS FROZEN STILL. JASPER As your music master. I — ROSA (SHE reads the music) Mr. on the occasion of your birthday. Why. and there is tremendous tension. From the beginning.1-2-13 ROSA As my tutor. Jasper. Shall I sing the Mozart? No. LINGERS THE VEIL OF NIGHTSHADE. BETWIXT OUR HEARTS. that should be my decision. I’LL GIVE MYSELF TO YOU. AND IN THE MOONFALL. YET WARM AGAINST ME. my loveliest subject. where SHE is near-hysterical from her emotional ordeal) 21 . WITHIN A STEELY WASH OF LIGHT. I FEEL ITS FINGERS. Jasper. almost fear in her voice. A choirmaster’s pay being what it is. AND IN THE MOONFALL. TIME HOLDS ITS BREATH WHILE IT CONCEALS THE DAWN. THE ONLY SIGHT I’VE SEEN IS LUST’ROUS MOONFALL AS IT BLINDS MY VIEW. SO THAT SOON I ONLY SEE BUT YOU. I cannot sing these words. “MOONFALL” BETWEEN THE VERY DEAD OF NIGHT AND DAY. It would not appear proper.

(As HE plays the introduction again. CRISPARKLE She’s not used to an audience. if you please. (Chord) 22 . you must make me feel you mean them! Once again. HELENA impulsively reaches for her and holds her consolingly.” I can’t bear this! I’m frightened! Take me away! (SHE collapses. Mr. No wonder. who is virtually frozen at the piano. No wonder. UPON A STEELY SHEET.. sir. Miss Landless? (Chord) HELENA (Significantly) Not under any circumstances. and she’ll be well. HELENA CRISPARKLE (Trying to make a joke) You’d be afraid of him under similar circumstances. It’s all over. you are such a conscientious master that I believe you make her afraid of you.. Don’t speak to her for a minute. HELENA and NEVILLE LANDLESS and CRISPARKLE enter and listen with the interest as ROSA struggles to sing) ROSA (Quavering with fear) “BETWEEN THE VERY DEAD OF NIGHT AND DAY. advising the others in an unplaceable Eastern accent ripe with curry and chutney:) HELENA It’s nothing. a deeply tanned young man.1-2-14 That was lovely. Thank you. JASPER ROSA JASPER But “lovely” will not do. When you sing the words. keeps his distance but is obviously fascinated by ROSA and puzzled by JASPER. wouldn’t you. Besides. Jasper.. Rosa.. HELENA eases ROSA into a chair. NEVILLE.

. SHE then leads ROSA up to the French windows for air) JASPER Good afternoon. Mr.Step-father has crossed over the well.. (More of the same) . JASPER (Still as if to a child) You and your sister (Scans with eyes) Lost your parents (Pulls out and taps his pocket watch) Recently.. have both arrived from Ceylon. using hand gestures to convey his meaning) Welcome to Cloisterham.. CRISPARKLE Oh. good afternoon. I’m most sorry. the unpredictable Miss Janet Conover! (Hindu fanfare. SHE crosses to center stage and gives a Balinese bow to the audience as the other actors join the audience in applauding her.. Neville has been entrusted to my care. Helena. Landless.1-2-15 CHAIRMAN (Aside to audience) Ladies and gentlemen.. He and his twin sister. (Rocking a baby) Mother Died. Jasper.... and may I introduce young Neville Landless. our own fiery spirit. Landless? CRISPARKLE (Answering for NEVILLE. CRISPARKLE I’m afraid young Master Neville has been given over to me to calm his rather hot-tempered nature. Now their. and Helena will be living here at The Nun’s House. finally stamps foot emphatically) . JASPER assumes that NEVILLE has little mastery if English.. JASPER (Adopting his most amenable face. and speaks to him laboriously. as if to the deaf. 23 JASPER .when they were quite Young.. (Searches mind. and to help him make a new beginning here in Cloisterham.. and falling in with JASPER’s “indicating”) Their. Mr. where they no longer have any family. Reverend Crisparkle.. Mr.

even disguising herself as a boy. Jasper. JASPER . to subdue a deadly and bitter hatred. But to no avail. sir. I have had. ladies and gentlemen. Mr.1-2-16 NEVILLE There is no need for you bright gentlemen to console me. I trust so. your kindness and goodwill have deeply moved me. As it happens. Thank you. (Ominous chord) CHAIRMAN The newest member of our company. NEVILLE You never saw him beat my sister. NEVILLE (Regarding ROSA) Your pupil. Helena tried on more than one occasion to flee his cruel and misery hand. GRINSTEAD bows. sir? CRISPARKLE You shock me. JASPER NEVILLE Your efforts have not been without success. Mr. or I might have killed him. Landless. Mr. from my earliest remembrances. I pledge to change my ill-tempered ways. preening in the applause) NEVILLE (To CRISPARKLE) I surprise you. it was well my stepfather died when he did. Jasper: she sings beautifully. Victor Grinstead! (Fanfare. which has made me secret and revengeful. In desperation. unspeakably shock me. My stepfather was a brute. (Music: revengeful sting) I say! CRISPARKLE NEVILLE (To CRISPARKLE) However. Jasper. As for myself. CRISPARKLE There’s the lad! He’ll soon blend in. Mr. and break new ground for myself. Mr.

thank you indeed. However. Neville! Miss Bud is betrothed to young Edwin Drood. then. CRISPARKLE Steady. Steady. aren’t you? Oh. Orchestra quietly reprises “MOONFALL”) HELENA You are feeling better now. Landless. 25 . or perhaps suspiciously. I fear. Mr. turning to CRISPARKLE:) And I should like to meet this. won’t you? ROSA I will be as good a friend as I can be.24 1-2-17 NEVILLE And may I inquire if your relationship extends beyond that of pupil and master? CRISPARKLE Heavens. sir. (As THEY exit.. Mr.. Drood. which may seem very secure to you. no.. Mr. (Indicating trilling from the orchestra as HE watches JASPER exit RIGHT. (Meaningfully) I trust we shall meet again. Choir practice. are new and unsettling to me. CRISPARKLE looks in the direction of JASPER’s departing with suspicion. I wish you well in your new life. JASPER You’d do well to cast your eyes and interests in other directions. NEVILLE Thank you. I must be off. Jasper. lad. Mr.. NEVILLE I beg your pardon.. JASPER (Regarding NEVILLE with caution) No pardon is necessary. Jasper’s nephew. ROSA HELENA These surroundings. much. You will be my friend. thank you.. and see what sort of a man is worthy of the affection of Miss Bud. Jasper.

You are tearing Mr. (As SHE speaks. Jasper’s composition.1-2-18 Who is Mr..forced me to keep silent without his uttering a single threat. to the wickedest corner of the wickedest hole in the fabric of the City of London. ROSA handing the CHAIRMAN the music as SHE does so.. You know that he loves you? HELENA ROSA (Fearfully) Oh don’t! Don’t! He terrifies me. I’m sure we’ll have at least one reprise of this before we’re finished. and beneath contempt. Below the street.. HE peruses the song.. I feel I am never safe from him. and my music.master. for reasons which will soon become clear. lies the dark kingdom of the Princess Puffer! 26 27 . ROSA It is of no matter: I do not intend to sing it again. don’t you think? (Music fades out) But we now step from the chaste sanctity of The Nun’s House and travel. Jasper? HELENA ROSA (Turning away) My Edwin’s uncle. SHE unconsciously tears the manuscript of “MOONFALL” that Jasper has given her) HELENA Careful. He has made a slave of me with his looks.) CHAIRMAN (To audience) Oh. (The two exit as the curtain closes.

PRYSHOCK/PUFFER whirls on audience. is the Princess Puffer. scrim. curtain or lighting change should be used to “remove” background from audience’s view until end of number) 4 “THE WAGES OF SIN” PRINCESS PUFFER “CRIME DON’T PAY!” THAT’S WOT I TELLS ‘EM. Suffice it to say that the East End is a dark home to depravity. the next day. WOT THEN I SELLS ‘EM FOR MY STORES OF ROTTEN BEER THROATS YOU CUT TO POCKET THRUPPENCE. WOULD I BE HERE? MIXIN’ CURES. who ministers to her clients’ needs and who hears more than she tells… portrayed this evening by the Grand Dame of the Music Hall Royale… that good woman of ill-repute…your very own and beloved: Miss Angela Pryshock! (As fanfare sounds. and the den of the Princess Puffer is the sort of establishment even most of the residents of the East End avoid. Sinister oriental fanfare as we see a chamber of smoke.28 ACT I Scene 3 1-3-19 (The lair of the PRINCESS PUFFER in the East End of London. BASH A FACE FOR BLEEDING TUPPENCE… PURE DISGRACE TO WORK SO CHEAP. DOORS YOU SHUT. NOTE: Following number is played to. Dawn.) CHAIRMAN Here the lowest. IF IT DID. And reigning supreme over this blemish on England’s fair complexion is the Princess Puffer. . In front of all this. TO COP SOME SLEEP. illuminated by a ghastly light that reflects off the Thames and seeps through barred windows located in the high ceiling. and preferably within audience. greeting them with outstretched arms and a triumphantly inspired howl of joy. with a cheap iron bed (or beds) and discarded furniture and shipping crates. most desperate and degenerate element of London’s East End seek escape from a reality so sordid I would never dream of offending your gentle ears with the details. Comatose bodies lie about. silhouetted in a stylized pose with her back to the audience.

DON’T TAKE HALF-MEASURES. or I’VE SEEN GIRLS FROM GUTTER FAM’LIES TRAP RICH MEN WITH FLUTT’RY WAYS AND THEY COO. I do beg your pardon! Sorry. IN THE WAGES OF SIN! (Break in music. EYES CAST TO ‘EAVEN. I promise. ALL (PUFFER AND AUDIENCE) PUFFER Oh. COME OFF IT! WHO WOULD BUY THIS SACK OF SKIN? ON THE WHOLE THERE AIN’T MUCH PROFIT IN THE WAGES OF SIN. where was I? S’WHY I SAY. I didn’t mean to – it won’t happen again. (IF I DID. AND DIG RIGHT IN! IN THIS WORLD. You can do better than that! Get off your bums and give us the notes: WITH THE WAGES OF SIN! ALL (PUFFER. DO THINGS RIGHT. DON’T BE A SINNER FOR THE PRICE OF LONDON GIN YOU CAN’T PAY FOR ONE SQUARE DINNER WITH THE WAGES OF SIN. Now. THERE’S GREATER TREASURES THAN THE WAGES OF SIN. AUDIENCE AND COMPANY) . SLEEPS A BLEEDIN’ HYPOCRITE. SPENDS HIS DAYS. suddenly) –Madam! PUFFER Oh.) 1-3-20 Could be used for ad lib chat with audience. I’D PACK IT IN. IN THE WAGES OF SIN. I GET THREATS. PASS THE JAM PLEASE” OVER NUPTIAL BREAKFAST TRAYS.) YOU CAN’T FILL TOO MANY COFFERS WITH THE WAGES OF SIN – (She calls to the back rows:) Give your old love some help with the last line then: WITH THE WAGES OF SIN. SPENDS HIS NIGHTS AMONGST THIS SH— CHAIRMAN (Interrupting. “COR. BUT SELDOM OFFERS. cut. SELL ME SOUL? ‘COR LOVE. OVER THERE. IN BED ELEVEN.27 PRINCESS PUFFER (continued) SO I SAY. bloody ‘ell.

) And there I am! PUFFER Yes. What? Who? PUFFER (An apparition of DROOD appears. I must be rid of him. his eyes quite wild. there’s no one there. Eerie music starts softly. JASPER Yes. in Bed Eleven. and your medicine is less potent than usual.) . PUFFER (Gets up to prepare laudanum) Laudanum! I’ll fix it for you now. would not the parishioners of Cloisterham be astounded to discover. John Jasper! (Hissing from available cast members) JASPER Woman! I need laudanum wine.) Him! Him! PUFFER God spare you. yes. JASPER There he is! (An apparition of JASPER appears. Before I can get to the changes of color and the great landscapes.) JASPER (He drinks wine offered by PUFFER. is:) Mr. CHAIRMAN The meanest room in London! And as the light of day steals into the room. the goodly choirmaster of Cloisterham Cathedral – (Shooting bolt upright from beneath the blanket of the bed nearest the audience. Yes.28 1-3-21 PUFFER God love you! God bless you all! (She blows kisses to ALL and returns from the footlights to the background scene which is re-revealed either by curtain or lighting. Music continues eerily. Now be still and have yourself a pleasant journey. of course. and quickly…My task is only half finished. (A dramatic proclamation from the orchestra.

JASPER watches in fascination as the SHADE OF JASPER strangles the SHADE OF DROOD. as if each end of the same snake were trying to choke the other.. sinuous struggle to the death.. and JASPER collapses on the bed.Rosa. more laudanum or she will fade. (He looks around.) Incredible..Rosa. we are back to the reality of PUFFER’s lair.1-3-22 5 “JASPER’S VISION” – BALLET 29 (PUFFER resumes her seat as the two SHADES begin a languid. Then additional SHADES.. if you are PUFFER The nearest is in Aldgate. PUFFER Five and thruppence you owes me. that needy… (He pays her) And the railway station? However. As the MUSIC builds to a peak. JASPER That seems a large sum for a small courtesy. so that when the MUSIC stops. ten minutes of a walk away from the river.) Who are you then? PUFFER And what are you? JASPER . PUFFER looks after him. (He exits..Rosa Bud! (As he cries out her name. mumbling) Rosa…Rosa Bud! (PUFFER starts visibly) PUFFER What did you say? Did you say Rosa Bud? (Music cut off) JASPER (Completely changed) I can’t seem to recall what I said. the SHADES and DENIZENS return from whence they came.) JASPER …quickly.. spill out onto the floor and dance with the DENIZENS of PUFFER’s lair and of JASPER’S hallucinating mind. Could you please direct me to the railway station? I seem to be lost. I thank you. all music and dance cease.

30

1-3-23

(She turns to exit, as do several of the DENIZENS of her lair, who drop character as they leave, their “turn” done. Spotlight his CHAIRMAN, who appears from side of stage.) CHAIRMAN (To audience) I wonder how many of you noticed that meaningful statement. That sounded suspiciously like a clue to me. Might we have it again, my dear? (Pryshock, almost off stage, looks back enquiringly at CHAIRMAN.) Yes, once more, please. (She gladly rushes back to her earlier mark, and DENIZENS, seeing this, fling themselves back to their earlier rigidly comatose positions as well.) PUFFER (Exactly as before) Who are you then? And what are you? (PUFFER exits again as curtain closes.) CHAIRMAN What indeed! But it is now the following day and as we return to less sordid surroundings, we meet Cloisterham’s leading citizen, MAYOR THOMAS SAPSEA.

31

ACT I Scene 4

1-4-24

(Downstage of curtain set to disclose Cloisterham High Street on cue. The following afternoon. HIGH STREET fanfare as CRISPARKLE & TOWNSPEOPLE enter, fanfare concludes) CRISPARKLE Good afternoon, Mayor Sapsea! (THEY extend their arms towards the wings where SAPSEA is supposed to enter. HE doesn’t. An awkward moment. THROTTLE, the stage manager, appears from behind the curtain, prompt book in hand, and has a hurried word in CHAIRMAN’s ear. As he does so, “townspeople” drop character and view following proceedings as the interested and eventually annoyed Victorian actors they currently are) CHAIRMAN (Complains to THROTTLE) ...really? With a sack of what? Well, it’s unacceptable, isn’t it? But you’ll notice once again who gets saddled with the— (To audience) Ladies and gentlemen, your kind indulgence for a short announcement: The part of Mayor Sapsea will not, I repeat, will not, be portrayed tonight by Mr. James Hitchens, as is stated in your programme. It will come to no surprise to our regular patrons that Mr. Hitchens is once again massively indisposed, due to injuries he received while fighting for a lady’s honor. (Aside) Apparently the lady wished to keep it. (Back to formal tone) And so his part will be portrayed this evening by your own humble chairman and obedient servant. I refer of course, ladies and gentlemen, to myself, Mr. William Cartwright. I hope this last-minute substitution meets with your approval? (He begs for applause, which is led by on-stage actors, who are thrilled that a pro like Cartwright is taking over the role. THEY exit as CHAIRMAN continues:) And I might add, it’s more your luck than mine. (HIGH STREET fanfare again as HELENA and NEVILLE enter and CHARIMAN/SAPSEA exits.)

32

1-4-25

CRISPARKLE (Hailing) Good afternoon, Mayor Sapsea! (THROTTLE prompts SAPSEA’s re-entering)* SAPSEA Good afternoon, Mr. Crisparkle, and — eh— CRISPARKLE These are my new charges from Ceylon, Mayor Sapsea; I’m taking them to meet— (Enter DROOD and ROSA as SAPSEA/CHAIRMAN exits, relieved to be relieved of his responsibilities in the scene) ah, and in fact here he comes now! Helena! Neville! Allow me to introduce young Edwin Drood. Sir! DROOD

NEVILLE Sir! I congratulate you on your good fortune, Mr. Drood. Good fortune, sir? Your betrothal, sir. (Realizing) DROOD NEVILLE DROOD

Oh yes, Rosa.

CRISPARKLE Our young Ned is soon to depart himself for your segment of the globe, Neville. Ceylon, Mr. Drood? NEVILLE

DROOD No, but much the same: Egypt.

* [ IT is suggested that CHAIRMAN be given a hat (perhaps handed to him by THROTTLE), which he wears whenever he is acting as SAPSEA and doffs whenever he is acting as CHAIRMAN, simply to aid the audience in understanding which is which. Needless to say, CHAIRMAN should also alter his voice and manner somewhat as SAPSEA, who is essentially a pompous and perhaps dithering city official.] 33

eh. the paving stones? From the pyramids! No! DROOD NEVILLE DROOD Yes. to make your future. charming English markethall street with picturesque shop-fronts. my studies show there is enough rock in the top half of the Great Pyramid alone... NEVILLE This is English blasphemy! Is it not enough that you take our delicate brew of tea leaves and likewise improve it by pouring cow’s milk into— (HELENA reacts with nausea and alarm) CRISPARKLE Neville. (The curtain opens on a typical. DROOD HELENA One wonders where one will obtain. sir? DROOD No.1-4-26 NEVILLE Oh. and I plan to pull off a miracle. Mr. DROOD 34 . what miracle? NEVILLE DROOD The Cairo Transverse. HE checks scenery) Cloisterham High Street. to insure that Egypt has one.. Mr. sir. NEVILLE A monumental task. I meant no offense. please— let’s not raise our voices here in. I shall shortly be taking over my family’s engineering concern there. much Tudor and thatching in evidence. for example. Pray.. Landless! A thoroughfare for commerce and coach travel across the desert to Alexandria. Drood! Yes.

Miss Bud.. I hope you have left them both behind you.1-4-27 NEVILLE And I did not mean my awkward ways to arouse such emotion. ROSA I’m sure Mr. NEVILLE & HELENA WHAT HOPE HAVE I OF BLENDING IN WHEN “DIFF’RENT” IS A SIN? NEVILLE I THOUGHT I’D CLEANED MY SLATE AT LAST BUT THEY ANTICIPATE MY PAST. WHAT SHALL I SHOW THEM— THE FULL EFFECT? WHAT DO I OWE THEM— WHAT THEY EXPECT? HELENA NEVILLE NEVILLE & HELENA A BRITISH SUBJECT ON DISPLAY IN FROM CEYLON TODAY. Master Edwin. curious about the hostilities that are building up) NEVILLE (Confiding to audience) MY REPUTATION PRECEDES ME HERE (A SITUATION I NEEDS MUST FEAR).. (Sinuous tango vamp music begins) DROOD My uncle has already given me some account of your hot-blooded temperament and past. or to ruffle your splendid feathers. 35 . “A BRITISH SUBJECT” (TOWNSPEOPLE drift in during song. NEVILLE I fear I have not yet adapted myself to your restrained climate.Miss Bud. Edwin. sir. 6. DROOD As long as he keeps his passions in check. Landless only feels passionately about his part of the world.

. 36 .1—4-28 NEVILLE & HELENA (continued) OUR EMIGRATION TO THIS LOCATION HAS BROUGHT OUR STATION DOWN A MILE! THIS DISTANT NATION DIVIDES CREATION IN RANK AND FILE. OH! THE INSULTATION OF OUR POPULATION IS THE EXPLANATION. AND SUBJECT NOT TO SCORN. WHAT’S ALL THE FUSS? ALL TERRA FIRMA BELONGS TO US. ROSA. DROOD CRISPARKLE ROSA AND YET I FEAR YOU SOON WILL BE THE SUBJECT OF SCRUTINY... NEVILLE A BRITISH SUBJECT. NONETHELESS! HELENA FROM WHERE AND WHY. AND ENGLISH ARE THEY AND BRITISH AM I. ROSA. THEY’LL TRY TO GUESS: CRISPARKLE CAPETOWN OR BURMA. AND ENGLISH ARE THEY AND BRITISH AM I. AH. BRED AND BORN. CRISPARKLE YOUR MIGRATION TO THIS DESTINATION— LEADS US TO SPECULATION. CRISPARKLE. DROOD NEVILLE & HELENA A BRITISH SUBJECT.. AND DROOD. DROOD BRITISH ARE THEY AND ENGLISH AM I THERE ARE TWO SUBJECTS WE DON’T DISCUSS: ONE IS OUR MONARCH THE OTHER’S US. NEVILLE & HELENA OUR EMIGRATION TO THIS LOCATION HAS BROUGHT OUR STATION DOWN A MILE! THIS DISTANT NATION DIVIDES CREATION IN RANK AND FILE.

ALL OTHERS THIS IS THE WAY WE’LL STAY. half-blooded. YOU ARE TWO WHO INTRUDE UPON THIS TOWN AND EDWIN DROOD! ON THIS ISLE. this is quite extraordinary— one side. ALL TIL WE DIE!!!! (Shouted in rhythm) TIL— WE— DIE! (DROOD storms off with ROSA. Mr. SAPSEA Oh. a half-bred.. Jasper. YOUR MIGRATION TO THIS DESTINATION— LEADS US TO SPECULATION.and I fear his hot-blooded Eastern temperament. NEVILLE glances after them with seething emotions. Jasper. JASPER and SAPSEA. ROSA. CRISPARKLE and TOWNSPEOPLE exit with the others.. I think you exaggerate the matter. JASPER I will go mad! Do you not realize there is more than face to all things in nature? (Towards a frenzy) Beneath Neville’s tainted English accent and adopted there is a heathen Landless. half-caste who would kill as easily as he sleek hair! SAPSEA Come now. a tribesman Landless.. Mr. CRISP. AND ENGLISH ARE THEY AND BRITISH AM I! DROOD. NATIVES SMILE! NEVILLE THIS IS THE WAY WE’LL STAY. Mayor Sapsea? It’s just as I’ve been saying— there is an instinctive rivalry between my own dear boy and this Landless fellow .. OH! THE INSULTATION OF OUR POPULATION— NEVILLE & HELENA TOWNSPEOPLE YOU. who have entered towards the end of the number. one English manners. would comb his 37 . HELENA is alarmed by her brother’s behavior and pulls him away.1-4-29 NEVILLE & HELENA OUR EMIGRATION TO THIS LOCATION HAS BROUGHT OUR STATION DOWN A MILE! THIS DISTANT NATION DIVIDES CREATION IN RANK AND FILE.. step forward) JASPER You see..

THEY exit as they applaud the end of the number. I find that. (Musical vamp begins) SAPSEA (To audience as CHAIRMAN) And what about me. 7... half-expect to meet myself rounding a corner I’ve already turned. JASPER AND IF I TAKE OPPOSING SIDES WITHIN MYSELF. SAPSEA 38 .1-4-30 JASPER (Berserk) To the contrary. WHAT’S MORE. (WE FOUR.. and in going back to fetch them. OR IS IT ME? JASPER SAPSEA AND IF I’M HIM AND IF I’M HE EACH ONE OF US MIGHT NOT AGREE ON WHAT TO DO. ARE IN A BIND! FOR IS IT I. sir! (Catching himself) I myself suffer from this sort of duality on occasion. THERE’S MORE THAN ROOM ENOUGH FOR TWO INSIDE MY MIND! SAPSEA I AM LIKEWISE IN A HAZE OF WHO I AM FROM SCENE TO SCENE. Sometimes I will.. creep in during song to lead a round of applause after JASPER and SAPSEA successfully finish tongue-twister first refrain... they likewise encourage hand-clapping during second and third refrains. nothing could be more ordinary. I MEAN).. having to be your chairman and play this Mayor Sapsea bloke at the same time? It’s damned confusing! JASPER .forget things.indeed like our two-sided Neville Landless. “BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN” (Ensemble.) JASPER I AM NOT MYSELF THESE DAYS... FOR ALL I KNOW. WE TWO.. I MIGHT BE YOU. as MUSIC HALL COMPANY MEMBERS. THEN WHO DIVIDES UP WHAT IS RIGHT OR WRONG? I’LL GO ALONG WITH YOU.

JASPER YOU’RE GOOD AS DEAD AS SOON AS BORN. TUPENNY. OR DAY! SAPSEA JASPER SAPSEA JASPER SAPSEA JASPER SAPSEA BOTH SAPSEA NATURE SELDOM EVER FAILS TO MOST OBLIGINGLY PROVIDE AN UNDISCLOSED OPPOSING SIDE TO ONE’S DISMAY. TWICE THAT TO A FLORIN. THRUPENNY. ONE PENNY. IT’S UP OR DOWN. OR NIGHT. SAPSEA IF THERE’S A ROSE IT BEARS A THORN. 39 . HEADS OR TAILS. BOTH SAPSEA BUT LUCK’S DIVISION IS PERVERSE.1-4-31 BOTH HA’PENNY. JASPER THERE’S SHADOWS IN THIS SHINING MORN. OR LEFT OR RIGHT. AND WOULD YOU NOT FANCY THE CURRENCY FOREIGN TO FIND THE SAME FACE ON BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN? BOB IS YOUR UNCLE FROM PENNIES TO GUINEAS. OR BLACK OR WHITE. AND WOULD YOU NOT FEEL QUITE THE FOOL OF DECEPTION TO FIND THE SAME FACE ON BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN? ODDS OR EVENS. IT’S HIGH OR LOW. AND YET WE SMILE. THE TWO-SIDED MINT IS THE RULE NOT EXCEPTION. TWELVE TO A SHILLING.

THRUPENNY. TWELVE TO A SHILLING. exiting:) Good day. TWICE THAT TO A FLORIN. AND WOULD YOU NOT FEEL QUITE THE FOOL OF DECEPTION TO FIND THE SAME FACE ON BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN? JASPER & SAPSEA ENSEMBLE ENSEMBLE HA’PENNY. Mr. AND WOULD YOU NOT FEEL QUITE THE FOOL OF DECEPTION TO FIND THE SAME FACE ON BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN? JASPER HA’PENNY. (SAPSEA reacts with terror: JASPER. TUPENNY. AND WOULD YOU NOT FANCY THE CURRENCY FOREIGN TO FIND THE SAME FACE ON BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN? BOB IS YOUR UNCLE FROM PENNIES TO GUINEAS. TWELVE TO A SHILLING. TUPENNY. Jasper. THE TWO-SIDED MINT IS THE RULE NOT EXCEPTION. AND WOULD YOU NOT FEEL QUITE THE FOOL OF DECEPTION TO FIND THE SAME FACE ON BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN? JASPER. AND WOULD YOU NOT FANCY THE CURRENCY FOREIGN TO FIND THE SAME FACE ON BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN? BOB IS YOUR UNCLE FROM PENNIES TO GUINEAS. THRUPENNY. ONE PENNY. ONE PENNY.. one penny. to JASPER) You’ve convinced me.. as SAPSEA. I shall certainly keep my eyes fixed upon this Neville Landless! JASPER A brilliant and original idea. TUPENNY. THRUPENNY. SAPSEA & ENSEMBLE BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN! HEY! (ALL but SAPSEA and JASPER exit) SAPSEA (After applause ends. THE TWO-SIDED MINT IS THE RULE NOT EXCEPTION. to audience as CHAIRMAN:) All together now! Ha’penny. ONE PENNY. Mayor Sapsea! But now I must— CHANGE. TWICE THAT TO A FLORIN. AND WOULD YOU NOT FANCY THE CURRENCY FOREIGN TO FIND THE SAME FACE ON BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN? BOB IS YOUR UNCLE FROM PENNIES TO GUINEAS. TWICE THAT TO A FLORIN. BOTH HA’PENNY. (Then. THE TWO-SIDED MINT IS THE RULE NOT EXCEPTION. sir! 40 SAPSEA AH— (Counterpoint vocalize thru refrain) AH— (Sustain thru refrain) . tupenny. TWELVE TO A SHILLING.1-4-32 JASPER IT SEEMS TO WORK MORE IN REVERSE: SAPSEA IF THINGS ARE BETTER THEY’LL BE WORSE IN JUST A WHILE.

Oh. (A vamp begins) A gentleman whose knowledge of the Cathedral tombs is exceeded only by his capacity for wine and spirits. no you don’t.an important meeting (Vamp begins again) with Mayor Sapsea.1-4-33 Bye-bye! SAPSEA (As CHAIRMAN) We now step out from Cloisterham High Street and fall in step with a relic known only to the residents of Cloisterham as “Durdles”. you know! Oh.. Bill? DURDLES CHAIRMAN (walking right into it) I said. (Enter DURDLES with DEPUTY in tow) He is wending his way towards an important assignation— (Vamp stops) DURDLES (Interrupting) What’s that you say. who lives just around behind— (Vamp stops) What’s that you say.. which bit is missing? (Drums) You’re next to an idiot! DURDLES CHAIRMAN 41 . where do you usually go? (Drums) CHAIRMAN I’m not a complete fool. “a round behind” — DURDLES (Playing to audience) And so have you! (Vaudeville drum comments after each joke) CHAIRMAN I didn’t come here to be insulted! DURDLES Why.. Bill? CHAIRMAN I said..

CHAIRMAN puts SAPSEA hat on) DURDLES Afternoon. I give (and I don’t want him back) — Mr. Durdles. I’ve been working on your dead wife’s grave. (To Durdles) But is my wife’s tomb ready? DURDLES Yes. sir! Good afternoon. and the moles won’t have been able to get to her for ages. you mean Rheumatism. the door is all ready for my inscribing.. the late Mrs. dear friends. SAPSEA Please refer to the late Mrs. though it’s not been at all damp. young Nick Cricker the Second — CHAIRMAN Yes. by my own lad. Thomas Sapsea as just that. the cough. No. Nick Cricker— DURDLES — assisted. SAPSEA DURDLES (Coughing badly) I’m begging your pardon. essaying the role of Durdles.. the clown prince of the Music Hall Royale. 42 . that is how I like to think of her.your friend. sir. That is how I like to refer to her. Durdles.. your lordship.. not mine. Thomas Sapsea. (Aside) Indeed. Mayor Sapsea. It’s a touch of Tombatism.. a warm round of applause for Nick Cricker and Son! (NICK CRICKER fanfare. SAPSEA DURDLES No sir. She’ll be much happier when we’ve moved her from her temporary grave.1-4-34 DURDLES (Shaking hands with CHAIRMAN) Pleased to meet you! (Drums) CHAIRMAN Ladies and gentlemen.. guv’nor.

Jasper asked if I’d take him down into the crypt to see it. more than ready to go into the number.though there’s nothing much you can do about the worms. this boy? DURDLES My “protégé”*.1-4-35 DURDLES (continued) (Much distaste upon SAPSEA’s face as DURDLES continues oblivious) . Sapsea no matter— SAPSEA That’s quite enough. squire? Name of Deputy. if I may make so bold. singing.... Mr. Durdles. prancing. pointedly) You might like to add that line to your list of suspicious statements! CRICKER/DURDLES Steady on. Bill. (Regards DEPUTY) And who is this— this thing. almost overpowering the CHAIRMAN’s admonishments) 43 . a vamp commences) FLO (Entering) Right! Let’s have a chorus of “Off to the Races”! (Members of the ENSEMBLE enter in disorganized but enthusiastic fashion. Yes. (*sic— rhymes w/”siege”) DEPUTY I put the lock on your wife’s crypt myself. DURDLES That’s right. I mean.. I have the key right here. clapping hands. randomly dancing. There’s room enough for all the royal family to have afternoon tea. we don’t want these people leaping to conclusions without all the facts at hand! Otherwise. yes— SAPSEA DURDLES That crypt is a national treasure. SAPSEA (Lightening change. as CHAIRMAN to audience. (Displays a ring of keys) And it’ll be my pleasure to unlock that door and slide your old woman right in there tomorrow. your lordship. they’ll all be running: OFF TO THE RACES!! (A song cue if ever there was one. just a while ago. they’ve already made a meal of Mrs. your grace.

as we follow Durdles and Deputy to. as disgruntled ENSEMBLE exits:) That’s scheduled for later in the programme. (Underscore starts) in hopes of shedding new light upon our curious story...The Graveyard of Cloisterham Cathedral! 44 . stop.1-4-36 CHAIRMAN Stop. For now— FLO (One last try as SHE exits) Off To The Races! CHAIRMAN Oh. stop! (Vamp breaks off and.. We mustn’t stop the dramatic momentum we’re building here.... shut up!! For now we must descend into the darkness.

Jasper. calls out “Durdles?”. bottle in hand. a lantern in hand. (Stepping from the shadows. DURDLES is irrevocably lost in a drunken stupor. JASPER emerges from the mausoleum. THOMAS SAPSEA. JASPER takes emphatic steps which match the sound of the footsteps in gravel.. as the vault seals shut. With a musical shiver. Prominent is the tomb of MRS. from off-stage:) Durdles? DEPUTY Durdles! Durdles! Hello? Who’s there? Mr. then takes three more steps and freezes — except that the pre-recorded clearly sounds four steps. it’s an almost certifiable laugh) JASPER (In a near-whisper) (JASPER attempts to return DURDLES’ key ring near the stone mason’s dormant form. but is distracted and alarmed to hear. the door to MRS. SAPSEA’s mausoleum slowly opens with horrific portent. No matter how it reads in cold print. revealed is the cemetery just beyond Cloisterham Cathedral. JASPER seizes DEPUTY violently) 45 . With the classic creak and ominous rasp of marble drawn against granite.. The door to the tomb is “molto Inner Sanctum”. HE closes the door to the mausoleum and.1-5-37 ACT I Scene 5 (Early Christmas Eve. of course. PAGET/JASPER. against which. hearing the fourth step.) (PRODUCTION NOTE: On Broadway. this scene was played for comic effect by having JASPER mime the described action to the accompaniment of what the audience quickly realizes is a pre-recorded SFX tape. quickly stamps a fourth step to “cover” his mistake. listens with satisfaction to the repeated reverberations it creates. With a forceful display of inner strength.

JASPER stands over him. Durdles. (JASPER’s wild rage endows him with almost inhuman strength. you devil. Mr. deeply concerned. have you been watching me. You murdered him! DURDLES JASPER (JASPER’s voice and demeanor and suddenly and completely changed) What? What do you say? Murder! Murder! DURDLES JASPER Stop talking such lunacy. DEPUTY. who has been faking. breathing heavily) There. Music stops. and falls to the ground. held by the throat. I only pray that— oh! (The “dear boy”. so help me! DURDLES (Cuffing DEPUTY) Quiet. (JASPER bends over the boy. that will serve you. you young wretch!! JASPER (Gasping for breath) Why do you assault me this way. goes limp as if dead. you cunning devil? I’ll have the blood of you.. and HE easily dominates the boy. Jasper! (HE rushes off) Peculiar lad. and I’ll stone yer eyes out next time. lands a blow to JASPER’s stomach. Deputy? DEPUTY You’re ripe for the asylum.. his ear to DEPUTY’s chest) and help me revive the dear boy. JASPER 46 .1-5-38 JASPER What.) DEPUTY There.

I imagined someone touched me and took something from me— (HE sees his key ring on the floor) and here’s what it was! Mayor Sapsea wouldn’t like me leaving the mausoleum keys lying about in front of his wife’s crypt. that was excellent wine you gave me. own betrothed? (ROSA turns away. John Jarsper.and now the key to Mrs. Jarsper? JASPER (Patting his coat pocket) I think that I have guests due at any moment for Christmas dinner. we’ve spent many a bright and chatting afternoon here among these silent tombs...Mr. Mister Jarsper. (Steps on keys) ..lost.we are not legally bound to marriage.. (DURDLES nods ominously and exits. What do you think.. Transitional music— the moon comes out from behind a cloud— as DROOD and ROSA enter) DROOD Yes. and a poor host I’d be no to offer them all the comfort and joy of the season.. well. Durdles.. He gave me strict instructions that the keys were.. and DROOD knows all) No.. But ooh. Did you get to look inside Mrs. ROSA Then... counting them) . (Exits) DURDLES And God rest ye merry. DURDLES Oh.. (Looks closely at keys.. Sapsea’s crypt while I was asleep? JASPER (Setting down the ring of keys while DURDLES’ back is turned) No. sir. Sapsea’s tomb is missing. DROOD Never to be husband and wife? 47 .. Eddie dearest. Rosa. More potent than I’m accustomed.Well.. I seem to have gotten. let us change to brother and sister from this day forth. I was lost myself in a fitful dream.1-5-39 DURDLES Blame it on his infectuous youth. Mister Jarsper. my. Mr. eh.. (Laughs) A happy Christmas to you.

ROSA TOO MUCH WE’VE BEEN TOGETHER.. Nor have I. I’D FIND MY WAY WITH EASE. I’D SEE THE PATH BEFORE ME. (Music: vamp begins) poor boy. DROOD ROSA And I for you.. AND I ASSUMED THE FUTURE— DROOD ROSA DROOD AND I PRESUMED THAT YOU WERE THERE. DROOD & ROSA AH— AH— 48 . DROOD . if only our marriage had not been assured since birth.. ROSA DROOD I am honor-bound to confess that this thought does not originate from you alone.perhaps then we would know how we truly feel towards each other.oh.1-5-40 Never.AND YET I WONDERED WHERE WE MET. You have not been truly happy with our engagement... Rosa. Rosa. dear one. THE FOREST FROM THE TREES. TOO MUCH WE’VE SEEN TOGETHER TO JUDGE THE VIEW.. I am sorry. ROSA I know..? DROOD IF WE WERE PERFECT STRANGERS. 8. HOW PERFECT LIFE COULD BE! DROOD I’D KNOW IF I ADORE YOU— YOU’D KNOW IF YOU LOVE ME. “PERFECT STRANGERS” ROSA IF WE WERE PERFECT STRANGERS..

..TOO NEAR TO TOUCH YOU..left to me by my mother. HOW MUCH YOU’VE BEEN TO ME. (As music continues. THEY move forward and curtain closes behind them) Brother. .. ROSA DROOD ROSA (ROSA produces a large light-reflective clasp..... DROOD ROSA DROOD ROSA 49 .as a vow of my eternal friendship. dear.. HOW DO I FEEL ABOUT YOU? I CARE. Sister. ROSA DROOD ROSA DROOD MY DEAR BUT ARE WE LOVERS? HOW WOULD WE KNOW IT? HOW WOULD WE FEEL IT? HOW WOULD WE SHOW IT? ROSA MY DEAREST NED.1-5-41 DROOD COULD LIFE BE REAL WITHOUT YOU? YOU’RE ALWAYS THERE.. HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME. which SHE must display prominently for the audience’s benefit) I— I pray you will take this clasp... God bless you... (HE accepts it) God bless you.TOO NEAR TO TOUCH YOU. .. HOW DO I FEEL ABOUT YOU? I CARE.. THEY speak.

DROOD and ROSA hurry off as.1-5-42 ROSA MY DEAREST NED. Jasper for a while.. for we hear a thunderbolt. He’s expecting us for dinner and I fear there’s a storm brewing....... I MIGHT HAVE LOVED YOU PERFECTLY. DROOD & ROSA IF WE’D BEEN PERFECT STRANGERS. whatever is the matter? ROSA Could we keep our change of plans from Mr. Why give him such sad news on Christmas Eve? But now we must be off. HOW MUCH YOU’VE BEEN TO ME. Eddie? DROOD Yes. of course you’re right. HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME. AH— DROOD MY DEAR BUT ARE WE LOVERS? HOW WOULD WE KNOW IT? HOW WOULD WE FEEL IT? HOW WOULD WE SHOW IT? DROOD (A kind of laugh) All this will come as a terrible blow to my uncle! (ROSA turns away in fear) Why. (Indeed there is..) 50 .

HELENA Neville tells me you were once engaged to Rosa’s mother.she apparently slipped while walking unobserved along the cliffs. and drowned in the embrace of the ungrateful waves. a bit too Angular for her taste. WAITER. Not GODS. the wind howling as THEY enter) DROOD Hallo. portrayed by PHILLIP BAX. The curtain rises. CRISPARKLE GOD must be angry. Crisparkle..1-6-43 ACT I Scene 6 (A short time later. ) NEVILLE What a bizarre climate you have here in Cloisterham..only a few months after Rosa was born. More thunder. and MAIDS have brought on the chair and dinner table. at a seaside party celebrating her second anniversary. JASPER I pray you will forgive the meager merits of my humble table. ‘twas like this the night that Rosa’s mother died. Mr... (ALL freeze. Neville. and now this threatening storm! The Gods must be angry. JASPER admits DROOD & ROSA. first snow. Jasper’s lead and forgot our grievances with life and with each other over a sturdy Christmas dinner. but I fear I was a bit too Anglican. yes. (Thunder. and we are now back in the home of JOHN JASPER. We use the singular in England. HELENA What a storm for Christmas Eve! CRISPARKLE Yes. lights and mysterious music as HE reflects) And then.. CRISPARKLE Yes.. (Music out abruptly— CRISPARKLE catches himself) But enough! Let us follow Mr. all! Sorry we’re late but we fought the storm all the— 51 .

Edwin. JASPER Now let us drink deep. NEVILLE Miss Bud. You go too far. Neville. Jack. No fear of that.None for me. Landless will take you seriously. any port in a storm for me. your manners are uncommonly fresh. DROOD (Hands NEVILLE his coat) I had no idea you had taken on domestic staff. it is wondrous to see you again.. ROSA Edwin! Mr. very good. Now. I prepared it specially for you from a recipe I obtained on a recent trip to London. thanks.1-6-44 NEVILLE Miss Bud. (Ominous chord as they drink) DROOD This wine is more potent than usual. sir! (Thunder) NEVILLE JASPER Gentlemen! This is Christmas Eve and I will tolerate no further such behavior between you. any port in a storm. you remind me of the flowering hibiscus! DROOD And how is it you remind me of an inconsistent baker. Very good. how is it that in a season of holly. Uncle! CRISPARKLE (Laughs) Yes. uncle. 52 . for while your metaphors seem quite stale. you’ve no idea what it means to Have you In My Chambers. Let me take your things. (JASPER offers him a glass) . DROOD Well. NEVILLE JASPER Now lads! Rosa.. this mulled wine is very good stuff indeed.

and again. YOU WEAR A FINER CUT THAN MINE. AH BUT A WAISTCOAT WORN CAN SOON BE TORN. AND BIGOTS. I DON’T MUCH LIKE YOUR TONE. (They shake hands.1-6-45 JASPER Well. TOO. Edwin. JASPER Gentlemen. NEVILLE Then a Merry Christmas to you. I think your next Christmas dinner will be in Egypt. THAT SUPERCIL’OUS SNEER YOU WEAR! CLEAR.. ladies. I’m sure Rosa and I could use someone to carry our bags— What? NEVILLE DROOD Someone better acquainted with a foreign tongue than he is with minding his own.. You have my friendship. Edwin! ROSA DROOD There is no longer any cause for rivalry between us.if you wish it. ominous thunder as WAITER enters) WAITER (Voice of Doom) The Goose Is Cooked! NEVILLE Miss Bud. please be seated! 9. Landless! Perhaps you should accompany us to Cairo. I thought you lads would like it. DROOD My God. Now let’s have no more ill will between you! Please. Neville. ‘TILL MAGGOTS FEED ON YOU! ROSA (Turns to audience. “NO GOOD CAN COME FROM BAD” NEVILLE SIR. aside) SOMETHING IN THIS SPEECH SEEMS OMINOUS TO ME! 53 .

as HE refills their glasses) MY DEAREST NEPHEW NED. YOUR HISTORY WOULD INDICATE A PAST OF LOWER CLASS WITH YOU REMAINS.) NO GOOD CAN COME FROM BAD! JASPER (Rising. YOUR BLOOD IS HOT BUT LESS THAN PURE! LESS.. YOUR CRUDENESS THUS EXPLAINS. THAN WE.. PRAY PROMISE THIS TO ME! CRISPARKLE (Standing to offer grace) PRAISE TO HIM DIVINE. DROOD retorts to LANDLESS) DROOD LANDLESS (AS YOU ARE AND KNOWN). JAS. DROOD. sings to tune of “TWO KINSMEN”. I WISH TO WISH YOU WELL! THE WORLD IS YOURS BEFORE YOU JUST LIKE— WAITER/BAZZARD (Bellows in rhythm) Oysters on the shell! (HE brings in a tray of oysters.1-6-46 HELENA TWIN. HEL. ROSA SOMETHING SENDS A CHILL LIKE FEET UPON MY GRAVE! HELENA CAN MY STRENGTH AND WILL COMPLETELY NEVILLE SAVE? CRISPARKLE COULD THESE WORDS THEY SAY BRING HARM UPON THE LAD? NIGHT MUST FOLLOW DAY! JASPER 54 .. I’M SURE. DON’T OVER-REACH. ROSA. CRISP. FOR THIS WE SHOULD BE GLAD! WON’T YOU TRY SOME WINE? JASPER ALL SIX (NEV.

I HUNGERED FOR ANOTHER: ROSA’S MOTHER! AFTER ROSA’S BIRTH. WITH DAGGERS DRAWN I GLARE AT YOU.1-6-47 ALL SIX NO GOOD CAN COME FROM BAD! (Thunder crashes. JASPER taps side of water glass to announce a toast) JASPER MY DEAREST.) NEVILLE & DROOD GLANCES CUT LIKE BLADE THROUGH BONE. WE ARE FRIENDS. EVERY EPITHET! HELENA CRISPARKLE IN YOUNGER DAYS. WHEN OH SO MANY STARVE! THY KINGDOM COME. CRISPARKLE admires the repast:) CRISPARKLE HOW VERY BLESSED ARE WE. AND YET. SHE LEFT THIS EARTH. and THEY face-off across the bird. 55 . NOW DUST IS ALL I’M WORTH. spoken in rhythm) Which one of you will carve? (Thunder crashes as DROOD & NEVILLE both reach for the carving knife and fork. both angered with drink. I FEAR IT. THERE AT YOU WHO DARE PRESUME TO STARE AT WHOM I’D MAKE MY WIFE AND SHARE MY LIFE— I’D SEE YOU DEAD BEFORE SWEET ROSA WED. THEY’LL NOT SOON FORGET HEARING NEVILLE’S THREAT. FATE WAITS NEAR! I FEEL IT. THREE CHEERS— WAITER/BAZZARD (Bellows in rhythm) And ‘ere’s the roast! (HE wheels in the goose on a carving cart. THY WILL BE DONE— JASPER (Inquiring of NEVILLE & DROOD. DEEPEST FRIENDS! MAY I PROPOSE A TOAST: TO ROSA BUD AND EDWIN DROOD.

BEFORE SWEET ROSA WED. THEY’VE THOUGHT THAT I’M A DRESDEN DOLL. AND SHARE MY LIFE— THEY’LL NOT SOON FORGET I’D SEE YOU DEAD HEARING NEVILLE’S THREAT. TO STARE AT WHOM WE ARE FRIENDS. THEY’VE THOUGHT THAT I’M I HUNGERED FOR ANOTHER: A DRESDEN DOLL. ALL I’M WORTH. FATE WAITS NEAR! WITH DAGGERS DRAWN I GLARE AT YOU. NEVILLE & DROOD HELENA (W/OTHERS in sextet. ALL SIX WITH THESE NEW ADDITIONS. I CURSE! FULL WARNING YOU HAVE HAD! BAD MUST LEAD TO WORSE. I’D MAKE MY WIFE AND YET. THERE AT YOU WHO DARE PRESUME I FEAR IT. THIS NOISE MORE FRIGHT’NING THAN THEY MIGHT CONCEIVE. THIS NOISE SHE LEFT THIS EARTH. THERE MAY BE REVEALED MURDEROUS ADMISSIONS OTHERWISE CONCEALED. MOTHER! BUT I PERCEIVE AFTER ROSA’S BIRTH.1-6-48 ROSA SO LONG A TIME. music bar 59 thru 64) SO LONG A TIME. EVERY EPITHET! ROSA CRISPARKLE (W/OTHERS in sextet. THESE BOYS. IN YOUNGER DAYS. BUT I PERCEIVE THESE BOYS. I FEEL IT. HELENA & ROSA 56 . music bar 59 thru 64) GLANCES CUT LIKE BLADE THROUGH BONE. music bar 59 thru 64) AND AS I STAND BY. QUITE NAIVE. ROSA’S QUITE NAIVE. MORE FRIGHT’NING THAN NOW DUST IS THEY MIGHT CONCEIVE. NEVILLE & DROOD FIE ON YOU. TAKE NOTE: YOUR THROAT SOUNDS QUITE DRY. THIS WINE SHOULD SATISFY. JASPER (W/OTHERS in sextet.

I shall see the ladies safely home. Rosa. Edwin. HELENA Be careful how you tread....Good night. I have plans I must. CRISPARKLE exit) Will you join us..1-6-49 ALL SIX NO GOOD CAN COME FROM BAD! NO GOOD— NO GOOD CAN COME FROM BAD! (Music continues under as thunderstorm builds outside) DROOD What a storm for Christmas Eve! I must stroll down to the River Weir to see this fit of nature unchecked! Will you excuse me.. Neville.execute. JASPER NEVILLE I will join you on your walk. JASPER helps DROOD on with coat as NEVILLE calls from doorway:) NEVILLE Come. your Destiny calls! 57 . Edwin. HELENA. My dear. CRISPARKLE Well. DROOD ROSA (Quick glance at NEVILLE) JASPER Everyone. Uncle? DROOD JASPER No. uncle? Of course. (Thunder as ROSA. But I will not let you go in that flimsy coat— you shall wear my own humble but serviceable caped coat! (Sinister and significant musical sting. (Thunder) ROSA And we must retire to The Nun’s House before the storm.. Edwin.

but in its wake.DROOD.if ever? It is now late the next day.. Christmas Day...1-6-50 DROOD Then goodbye Uncle! Goodbye All!! (The sky erupts around DROOD framed in the door.. and HE is gone... The storm is over. there is to be found no trace of young. (HE exits into the wings) 58 . Music recedes) CHAIRMAN (Resuming his authority) When shall these three meet again? When.Edwin. to be sure.

Now. Rosa: what do you think Mr. you see? I don’t believe you’ve met my assistant. Reverend. His chief occupation is in guiding excursion-parties around our church. 59 . here he is now! (Enter BAZZARD. Bazzard. I’m sure. doom-laden) Bazzard! What news? (Despondent) BAZZARD No news. he carries with him a Secret. A tragedy. [NOTE: In night scenes.] From either side of the stage enter ROSA & CRISPARKLE) ROSA (Off) Mr. the sentiment voiced that no news is most certainly good news. CRISPARKLE (With forced cheer) There. these windows are illuminated. Ah. Bazzard has written a play. I know something terrible has happened to Edwin! CRISPARKLE Oh. which can clearly be seen. Misplaced? ROSA CRISPARKLE Yes. Bazzard has done? ROSA Oh dear! Nothing dreadful I hope? CRISPARKLE Mr. Crisparkle! (On) Oh. let us wait until my assistant Bazzard reports. Quite the showman is our Bazzard. though tragically misplaced. You have heard. a street of highwindowed houses leading to Cloisterham Cathedral. The walls of JASPER’s home part to reveal Minor Canon Corner.1-7-51 ACT I Scene 7 (Christmas Day.

had her mother not married another.I might have been Rosa’s— Father! ROSA (Music cuts off) I need your prayers! (SHE kneels before him and holds his hand against her face. Bazzard.1-7-52 “The Thorn of Anxiety”! BAZZARD ROSA When will it be performed.nor met her death two years later at that pleasure party by the sea.. I Long to Play a Larger Part! CRISPARKLE Then. like a citizen of Greece who prefers the Parthenon in ruin. BAZZARD (Over-acting his little line) That assignment I eagerly accept! (HE hurries off with orchestra horn call) ROSA Oh my dear hopeless Edwin! (Music: underscore vamp begins) CRISPARKLE (Aside) How like her mother she looks! Had the Lord seen fit to smile on me. Bazzard has more pride in its lack of support. Bazzard. I. Mr... use your enviable creativity to find some accounting for young Ned.. Bazzard’s work performed some day.. But there are many stages beyond the proscenium. Bazzard? (Proudly) BAZZARD Never! CRISPARKLE Sometimes I think Mr. But I hope to see Mr. too.. ROSA BAZZARD I love the theatrical world. The steeple bell begins to toll the evening service) 60 . Mr.

Music: DOG HUNT underscore) TOWNSPERSON 1 We’ll find Neville Landless right enough now! HORACE And when we find him. Yes. his arm steadying her. The cathedral bell summons us. Enter JASPER & SPASEA. and TOWNSMEN. we’ll have a hanging for Christmas! HORACE Fetch the dogs! (A Keystone Kops exit in all directions. My thoughts exactly. HORACE. DEPUTY With any luck. Mr.) JASPER And is it not significant. sir! (Exit SAPSEA and JASPER. (The stage is aglow in the full bloom of sunset. Mayor Sapsea. running on right is BAZZARD. we’ll educate the murderous swine! Right.) 61 . over-acting as usual. ROSA & CRISPARKLE walk off to church together. that Neville Landless was last seen fleeing the district? SAPSEA/CHAIRMAN You’ve convinced me. simultaneously enter DEPUTY. so that we may question him. preferably up the aisles.1-7-53 CRISPARKLE Rise. And all signs do point to young Neville Landless. Jasper! A secret murderer could indeed be hiding in Cloisterham. neither of whom sees ROSA. JASPER You do that. my child. sir! JASPER SAPSEA I shall instruct a few strong fellows to bring him here. using whatever force is necessary. Simultaneously.

blood. Jasper.and. Phillip.) CHAIRMAN And I believe that’s it for you this evening.. CHAIRMAN Let’s see. in effect. I mean.. BAX/BAZZARD CHAIRMAN Well. unlit.. and that I devote myself to his destruction! (HE exits.. Bill.. JASPER (Without hope) My dear boy is murdered. (HE hands BAX his payment for the evening’s work. Jasper! (Jasper re-enters) Look what I’ve discovered! (HE shows something in his hands and JASPER grabs it) JASPER Why. Bazzard! Record it in your memory: that I shall fasten the crime of murder upon the murderer. Mr..1-7-54 BAZZARD Oh. John Jasper! (Music cadence and out with MAJOR LIGHT CHANGE to hardlit “reality” of the theatre. Cartwright. the one I gave to Edwin last night! It’s been torn to ribbons. the set still standing but. That’s right. Mr. Mr. it’s my coat. oh God. .) BAX/BAZZARD Not by choice. in “Julius Caesar” you played the part of. Mr. leaving BAZZARD and CHAIRMAN at the footlights. sustained only by a mission) BAZZARD (For the benefit of the third balcony) I shall remember your words. does it? (BAZZARD/BAX nods) You— you seem to specialize in these Narrow parts of late. it hardly seems worth your coming down from Knutsford each night. there’s his blood on it! Where did you find this? BAZZARD Under a rock by the River Weir. I take this oath before you.

1-7-55 A senator. Bax. an unscheduled diversion in our journey this evening: the debut of an unpublished and perhaps rightfully unheard composition: Mr. of course. Cartwright. aspirations as an author and have composed a— a brief song which I venture to say underscores the dilemma I share with the character of Bazzard I portray. Phillip Bax singing his own “NEVER THE LUCK”! (LIGHTS change to a gentler. Mr. Surely one of these days— BAX/BAZZARD In actuality. would you have a song ready at hand.. why not indeed? (Dream of dreams! Bazzard is barely able to contain his trembling emotions) BAX/BAZZARD Well. Mr. Paget as John Jasper. BAZZARD CHAIRMAN Ah. I hesitate to — CHAIRMAN Come.. blue mood) 63 .unless. BAX/BAZZARD That’s been my solace in the role. Cartwright. Cartwright. in common with my role this evening.. CHAIRMAN Yes. Phillip— (A moment of immense kindness) We’re almost done with this act and our Second Act is considerably shorter in length that the First. Paget claims never to have missed a performance in his entire career. come! Its title.. as a matter of happenstance. Well. CHAIRMAN Ah. Mr. he had a more promising future in mind for you. if you think of it. I note.? (Asking the audience) Shall we? Yes. I’m sure. it’s rather odd that Charles Dickens created your character at all. BAX/BAZZARD What? Oh. Is there. So at least you were in for the kill. “Never The Luck”. CHAIRMAN Ladies and gentlemen. Mr. Mr. uh. Still you do understudy Mr. I do have. (Ponders) You know.

. “NEVER THE LUCK” BAX/BAZZARD NEVER THE LUCK. I’LL WALTZ MY WAY INTO YOUR HEART! (And as HE sings.. a lovely thing happens. HE KNOWS EACH LINE.EACH PRECIOUS PART SEEMS OVER AND DONE BEFORE I’VE BEGUN TO SPEAK.1-7-56 10. NEVILLE is holding more than his own: only the intervention of the REVEREND CRISPARKLE ends the struggle) 64 . COMPANY BAX/BAZZARD AND EVER THE DREAM! BUT EVER THE DREAM HAVE I! (On applause. AND EVERYONE’S CUE WE MUST LET HIM DO THE PART!” I’LL LEAP CENTER STAGE.. AND “NEVER YOU MIND. SOME STARLESS NIGHT. AND EVER I PLOT. AND I’LL HAVE MY NIGHT SOMEDAY. NEVILLE LANDLESS is hurled on stage by TOWNSPERSONS 1 & 2. STILL. But though clearly outnumbered. The ladies lead BAX into a waltz and the CAST watches with gentle empathy) THO’ EVER I PLAN. BUT I’LL NOT STAND IN THIS WEEK. and other ragged citizens. THEY WILL CRY. I WAIT FOR MY STAR BY FATE TO BE STRUCK— BUT NEVER THE LUCK HAVE I. AND NEVER THE LEAD. THEY’LL CALL TOWARDS THE WINGS: “WHO HERE DANCES AND SINGS?” THAT’S WHEN YOURS TRULY SPRINGS AND SEEING ME THEN. WITH EVER THE PLUCK TO TRY. IN TIME WE ALL TASTE THE LIME IN THE LIGHT. THE MUSIC WILL PLAY. COMPANY EVER THE HOPE AND EVER THE SCHEME. HORACE.. I CAST OUT MY LINE AND KEEP MY HAND IN. The chairman steals towards the wings and catches the attention of nearby cast members.” THEY SAY. who kick at him and hurl abuse. “WHY.

and he is nowhere to be found! HORACE Mayor Sapsea. I’m sure there is some— HORACE Landless!! Where is Edwin Drood? (JASPER.1-7-57 CRISPARKLE Master Neville! And you fellows! Enough! Enough now! (CRISPARKLE shows a surprisingly physical side as HE separates LANDLESS and his assailants. HORACE Neville Landless. who is now wearing a black armband. sir.Why do you ask me that way? JASPER Because you were the last person in his company. Mr.. DEPUTY races in with SAPSEA in tow) There’s your murderer. followed by ROSA) 65 . Landless? NEVILLE I acquired these bloodstains.and upon your walking stick. views the proceedings.) NEVILLE Where is. lad. I’m certain of that. do you wish to question him? SAPSEA (Prodded by JASPER) Ehm— You left for the river with Edwin Drood at what time? NEVILLE I — in all honesty I cannot recall anything of what transpired once Edwin and I had reached the river.. What have I done? CRISPARKLE Nothing.when these men of yours dragged me forcibly back from the countryside where I had been walking.. SAPSEA What are these blood stains upon your shirt-front... just now. sir! DEPUTY NEVILLE Reverend Crisparkle. (HELENA enters breathless. As the fight breaks up.. I place you under arrest. as acting constable for the district.

wavers as if to faint.1-7-58 Neville! HELENA (Horrified. for days now you have been warning all of Cloisterham of impending violence between your nephew and my brother.. Jasper. Sapsea.. Oh. SAPSEA 66 . SHE notices his injuries) How many of them did it take to mar you in this way? Eight! NEVILLE HELENA (Whirling on Sapsea) You have an interesting way with the law here in Cloisterham. a victim. Neville.something more tangible than an errant nephew.I warrant that young Neville has no knowledge of Master Drood beyond that which he has freely volunteered. Mr. you cannot possibly arrest young Master Neville. a timorous uncle. very well. release him. perhaps you will be good enough to supply a body. hear. and a ludicrous city official who has no backing for his charges other than pure pomp and sheer circumstance. Sapsea. Well said. (HELENA rushes to NEVILLE’s side) SAPSEA I would remind you and your brother that there is the issue of MURDER at hand— (ROSA gasps. Helena! CRISPARKLE ROSA CRISPARKLE She’s right you know. Mr.. And you. Without Edwin’s body.what do you know of all this? JASPER Only that my nephew is dead. CRISPARKLE holds her steady) HELENA Before you utter that word again.... HELENA And you shall volunteer nothing further... Hear. Mr. you laughable man. a corpse. CRISPARKLE Mayor Sapsea.

the mysteriously motivated mistress of misadventures.. John Jasper has sworn vengeance upon his nephew’s murderer..1-7-59 HELENA Oh.. bless you Mr. CRISPARKLE HELENA (Gradually more to audience and more as CONOVER) I only wish I could express my gratitude without this strange. shall we? (ALL drop character and advance slightly. Crisparkle! (Impulsively. it’s difficult to know what Deputy. well. Crisparkle. Music: underscoring begins) So here is where matters now lie: Edwin Drood has vanished and may likely be— Clive? PAGET Dead.but the charges against Neville have been rescinded. not to mention. (Music fades out) 67 . somewhat geographically untraceable accent! CHAIRMAN Yes. CONOVER ... let’s all pause for a moment. thanks to Helena Landless’ steady resolve and the support of the kindly.. MONCRIEFFE Reverend Mr.. PEREGRINE Rosa’s deceased mother. HE stares in wonderment.) I am overpaid. she kisses him on the cheek. Meanwhile.. Princess Puffer. GRINSTEAD Whom most of this populace expect to be Neville Landless. quite personable..... who was once engaged to... PRYSOCK (Who has entered during this recitation) .

. THEY SUDDENLY WILL VIEW CHAIRMAN. SAVORED RACE! CHAIRMAN DURDLES FIRMLY ANCHORED TO THE GROUND. OFF TO THE RACE WE GO.Off To The Races! FLO Yes. DURDLES & DEPUTY A FAIR AND FAVORED FACE. CHAIRMAN. WHEN FLIRTING FACES CALL! 68 . “OFF TO THE RACES” CHAIRMAN QUICK CONCLUSIONS OFTEN LEAD THE BEST OF US ASTRAY. to a song: for what evening at The Music Hall Royale would be complete without a rendition of its trademark anthem. Bill. which brings us. “OFF TO THE RACES”!! 11. OFF TO THE RACES. Music vamp begins) CHAIRMAN A spontaneous request. THEN: OFF TO THE RACES. DURDLES MEN WITH BROKEN HEARTS HAVE VOWED TO NEVER MORE PURSUE A MEMBER OF THE SOFT AND SAVORED RACE. THE WISEST MOVE IN LIFE IS JUST TO WAIT. you may find yourself carried.. let’s have a chorus of “Off To The Races” (General clamoring from the cast... WE SELDOM SEEM TO KNOW. BUT WHERE THE CHASE IS AND WHAT THE PACE IS. DURDLES & DEPUTY ALL OFF TO THE RACES.1-7-60 CHAIRMAN Statements to consider during this interval with one admonition: should you leap to conclusions without all the facts at hand. OTHERWISE. OFF TO THE RACES. OUR GALLOPING EMOTIONS RUN AWAY LIKE HORSES AT THE GATE. rather adroitly I think.

IT’S ONLY A LENGTH OR SO! DON’T BEGIN TO BEAT YOUR TAR OFF FOR THE FINISH ISN’T FAR OFF. LIKE A NAG RUNNING BLIND. DO AND YOU’LL LAND UNDONE. TO THE RACES! OFF TO THE RACE WE GO… (Shout:) TALLY HO! CURTAIN END ACT ONE . NOT THE FOOL-HARDY FOOLS THAT WE BE. SOMETIMES HAVING PATIENCE IS AS GOOD AS HAVING BRAINS. SO TAKE YOUR BLOODY TIME… POUR ON THE SPIRITS! THE END IS NEAR. DON’T UNLACE YOUR MADCAP ABANDON. HASTY PRESUMPTIONS MIGHT DO YOU IN. DEPUTY & ENSEMBLE) DON’T FALL BACK ON YOUR ASSUMPTIONS. ALL (CHAIRMAN. TRY LAGGING BEHIND: YOU’LL FIND YOU’LL WIN. DANCE ALL AND THE RACE IS WON BY THE TARDY. MIND THE TRACK.1-7-61 CHAIRMAN & DEPUTY HIS SAVING GRACE IS A GAME REPLACES THE NEED FOR LOVE AND ALL. NOT ME! SO WE CALL UPON YOU ALL TO HOLD YOUR HORSE’S REINS BEFORE YOU SOLVE THIS DICKENS OF A CRIME. DURDLES.

perform juggling feats or whatever silly bit of business might lighten the atmosphere. Orchestra sounds a very brief reprise of “THERE YOU ARE”. on stage in front of curtain as interval ends. may feel free to converse with audience and orchestra members. there are none in the district. (as has always been our custom here at The Music Hall Royale). under the cryptic baton of Mr.“ENGLAND REIGNS”) Now before we take the tangled threads of plot left dangling before the interval. as a matter of fact. Thomas Purcell! (Orchestra rises. when the Music Hall Royale shall premiere its latest and most ingenious work: HAMLET . which are second to none in the district. dear friends— Don’t worry about being the last.) (OPTIONAL:) (As applause subsides. madame— it only means that we’re all looking at you.. CHAIRMAN may look down at a straggler in the first few rows:) Pray take your time in resuming your seats. By the by.. PURCELL bows magnificently.PART TWO!! (OPTIONAL: CUT FROM HERE TO AFTER . I trust you all managed to locate our Lavatorial Facilities. CHAIRMAN steps from behind the curtain. On last chord. I heartily recommend you return to this venue next week. if you’re enjoying our modest efforts tonight. (END OPTIONAL SPEECH) Incidentally.) CHAIRMAN Ladies and gentlemen. let us.69 ACT II . and attempt to tie them together. a warm round of applause if you please for our Fully-Trained orchestra.ENTR’ACTE 2-E-1 (ENSEMBLE. unite in a chorus of that sturdy hymn to our enduring and beloved land : “ENGLAND REIGNS” (MUSIC: introduction starts) 70 .

renewed and more than ready to conclude what is certainly that most ambitious endeavor to date of your own Music Hall Royale: that of solving. by your vote.. CHAIRMAN AND IF SIGNS OF A CLEARING APPEAR. restored... (Gavel once) The Mystery... ENGLAND REINS CHAIRMAN AND IT SEEMS LIKE IT RAINS EVERY DAY. THEN I’LL KNOW ENGLAND RAINS ENGLAND REIGNS EACH DAY EACH YEAR.AH- ALL IF ONE CLOUD REMAINS.AH- ALL TIL THE DRAINS FEED THE SERPENTINE. . I trust. shortly to be counted. OVER HEATH AND HILL.. EVERMORE MAY IT SPILL. MEN BRITISH SUNS NEVER SET AND THEY BURN EVEN YET THOUGH THEY OFTEN FORGET TO SHINE. “ENGLAND REIGNS” CHAIRMAN & COMPANY OVER ALL DOMAINS. (OPTIONAL: CUT ENDS HERE) -------------------------------------------------------------------CHAIRMAN (Rubbing hands in anticipation) Right! We are. COMPANY CHAIRMAN AND IT WILL IF I HAVE MY SAY.2-E-2 12. AND I PRAY I DIE ‘NEATH A GREY ENGLISH SKY. COMPANY AH. (Gavel twice) 71 .. relaxed. ON THIS LAND AND ITS LANES DOWN THE STRAND..UP THE MAINS CHAIRMAN WOMEN MEN WOMEN AH-AH-OO. ENGLAND REINS. rested.

2-E-3 COMPANY Of Edwin Drooood! (Orchestral flourish and underscore. Lights dim) 72 .

the other being a detective. Dick Datchery and the Princess Puffer are just now arriving at: CLOISTERHAM STATION! (Music cue and CURTAIN. there’s John Jasper back from another treatment in London. DATCHERY CHAIRMAN DATCHERY CHAIRMAN These apparent strangers approach with grand intentions and great expectations (which I might add we shall be presenting in Brighton next season) and like ourselves.2-1-4 THE SLEUTHS ACT II Scene 1 (Cloisterham Station. (Enter PUFFER who waves cheerily at audience) .. DICK DATCHERY. Crates. Music out) Eh? I said. and JASPER steps out from behind the engine.. Cloisterham station itself is a typical Victorian iron-shed affair with the platform in front occupying the stage. But there are further developments.) CHARIMAN An. revealing the near-blinding headlamp of a British steam engine as a train which is pulling into the station moves slowly towards audience. He looks crazed and wears a black armband.. and the name of Dick Datchery. Train comes to a halt. six months later) CHAIRMAN Six months have passed! AN English summer is in progress. and all of Cloisterham is agog with rumor and suspicion. Two enquiring sleuths are about to appear already met.. yes. Right. as if exiting from the train. a man of mystery who wears a bulky coat. (Enter DATCHERY as described. Still there is to be found no trace of young Edwin Drood. trunks and barrels to be loaded stand about the stage. a fulsome beard. 73 2-1-5 .

. none are more intently curious than these two Sleuths! 13. PUFFER steps from train. DATCHERY I’M LED UPON A DOUBTFUL CHASE! PUFFER WHO’S DEAD OR GONE WITHOUT A TRACE? PUFFER & DATCHERY THIS IS A PRIVATE INVESTIGATION: JUST WHEN DID DROOD DEPART AND WHEREFORE ART HIS DESTINATION? IT’S A PRIVATE INVESTIGATION! HE’S VANISHED INTO AIR-DATCHERY OR BANISHED WHERE IN ALL CREATION? WHILE ON THE TRAIL OF A SMALL DETAIL.(Hisses from ENSEMBLE who appear as TOWNSPEOPLE arriving of departing Cloisterham. “A PRIVATE INVESTIGATION” PUFFER I’M ON THE TRACK OF A MAN IN BLACK: HE DISAPPEARED BEFORE THE (cough) SMOKE CLEARED.as does DICK DATCHERY: PUFFER and DATCHERY do not acknowledge each other) CHAIRMAN (Continuing. I DREW A BEAD UPON A CLUE I NEED. PUFFER 74 2-1-6 .. note that among the many curious souls of Cloisterham. I’M ON THE SCENT OF A RESIDENT: I’LL CHECK THEM WELL. referring to PUFFER and DATCHERY:) And in his wake. following JASPER and sizing up her surroundings. INSPECT THE PERSONNEL.

OF ANY MEANS! PUFFER I’LL SEARCH AND SCAN BEHIND THE SCENES! PUFFER & DATCHERY THIS IS A PRIVATE INVESTIGATION: JUST WHEN DID DROOD DEPART AND WHEREFORE ART HIS DESTINATION? IT’S A PRIVATE INVESTIGATION: I’LL TURN THIS PRIVATE CLUB INTO A PUBLIC SITUATION! IT’S A PRIVATE (Bellowing) IT’S A PRIVATE! SHH! ENSEMBLE PUFFER & DATCHERY ENSEMBLE (Whisper soft) IT’S A PRIVATE! PUFFER & DATCHERY JUST WHEN DID DROOD DEPART. INTO THE FOG WE GO! DATCHERY I’M NOT A MAN. AND ALL WHEREFORE ART HIS DESTINATION? IT’S A PRIVATE IT’S A PRIVATE! INVESTIGATION! A VERY PRIVATE! 75 PUFFER & DATCHERY ENSEMBLE PUFFER & DATCHERY ENSEMBLE 2-1-7 .I’LL NAVIGATE AS ME OWN FIRST MATE: INCOGNITO.

PRI .SLY. A mysterious vamp continuous as we “dissolve” to Minor Canon Corner) ENSEMBLE IT’S A PRIVATE SITUATION. (Train off.VATE EYES. 76 2-2-8 .PUFFER & DATCHERY JUST WHO’D WITH DROOD ABSCOND? PUFFER & DATCHERY ‘TIS NOT BEYOND MY ESTIMATION PUFFER I’LL PEER AND PRY AND SCRUTINIZE! DATCHERY I’M STEERING BY. PURSUIN’ LIES! PUFFER AND DATCHERY I CLEARLY SPY WITH MY .

Reverend. Captain.Inconvenient? DURDLES Oh. 77 2-2-9 . and I was wondering if lodgings could be found in these parts? (ALL silent. CRISPARKLE appears (from the same side from which we saw DATCHERY exit). SAPSEA (Music pause) there you are! All things bright and beautiful tonight. Dick Datchery.. sir. (Music: wood block) who is away on business.ACT II Scene 2 (Minor Canon Corner. Music cadence and pause. putting on his frock coat. My name is Durdles. PUFFER. don’t you think? CRISPARKLE Yes. TOWNSPEOPLE around and about. we have any number of inconvenient lodgings here in Cloisterham. could see such a night as this! (ALL note this and whisper. Datchery. DATCHERY) DURDLES Hold on there. SAPSEA enters opposite) Ah. CRISPARKLE goes out as PUFFER speaks to SAPSEA. DATCHERY My name is Datchery. and a moment later. I am in the way of being Official Greeter to all visitors who might have the price of a bottle of wine on them. no doubt. Enter DURDLES and DEPUTY.. DURDLES DATCHERY Something architectural and out of the way. through which heaven’s light can be seen. as if the stars were mere punctures in the ceiling of earth. Or something along those lines. (To audience) I only wish my assistant Bazzard. boy! Here’s a face we’ve not seen before! (DURDLES speaks to DATCHERY) Welcome to fair Cloisterham. Mr. THEY listen) Oh.

I shall enjoy watching the comings and goings of this town. The only such accommodation that I know of along those lines is a single lodging just above the rooms of Mr. John Jasper. boy! This much afflicted fellow. (Music: tag and out.DATCHERY Close to the Cathedral as well? SAPSEA Excuse me. John Jasper. boy? DATCHERY DEPUTY ‘Cos I ain’t going to be lifted off my legs and choked again. John Jasper— (PUFFER sees ROSA and. is he always dressed in mourning these days? DEPUTY That’s the man. stepping away from her chat with DURDLES & DEPUTY. is that the fellow who has been much afflicted by the loss of his nephew. are you ill? ROSA 78 2-2-10 . and you won’t catch me goin’ near him again. PUFFER. Miss. instantly turns away) Oh. doubled up with astonishment. calls to ROSA:) PUFFER Excuse me. enters with HELENA. sir. Edwin Drood? (PUFFER’s ears pick up at this and SHE calls DEPUTY over) PUFFER Wait on. can you tell me where Mr. Why is that. DATCHERY I find that most interesting. He’s a great admirer of my own— DATCHERY Ah. I couldn’t help overhearing. ROSA. (HE exits with a nautical gait) SAPSEA That man should speak to his tailor.

JASPER Am I being politely told that you have abandoned your studies altogether? ROSA The politeness is yours. PUFFER steps away. daily and hourly.. (HELENA steps toward NEVILLE. I beg not to be questioned— I will not answer any more.and ROSA finds herself front and center and alone. You know the truth that you made me afraid to open his kind eyes to the truth. even against your wishes. HE may even wave a friendly wave to SAPSEA) JASPER I do not forget how many eyes command a view of us. Dearest Rosa. sir. At least I have that in my power. so that his actions can’t be seen by those nearby. Rosa. SHE suppresses a cry of pain) Charming Rosa.that you are a bad. JASPER. espies her and moves like a cobra towards its selected victim) JASPER (Suavely) Rosa! We have both been guilty of neglecting your music lessons. sir. did I not? ROSA You were as false to him. bad man! 79 2-2-11 . Miss. I hid my— our secret loyalty. I-JASPER ROSA I do not wish to hear you. not mine. sir. Even when my dear boy was engaged to you. (JASPER smiles and takes her arm.. entering. I loved you madly.PUFFER (Hiding her face) No... But you shall hear me. who has joined other TOWNSPEOPLE. I always look this way. twisting it between her body and his. as you are now. When shall we resume? ROSA (Immense courage) Never. (Additional unseen pressure.

. that pretty rage. sweet witch. YET STILL I DARE TO CALL IT LOVE! I SEE YOU SCOWL. “THE NAME OF LOVE” & “MOONFALL” LOVE IS BUT A WORD THAT WANDERED HERE FROM PASTURES GREEN WHERE IT WAS RARELY EVER SEEN AND SELDOM SUNG. JASPER (Reprise) !4. YOU THINK I AM A BIT TOO CRUDE.give me yourself and your hatred. INNOCENT ENOUGH IT WAS INTENDED TO BE USED ON RARE OCCASIONS.JASPER How beautiful you are! You are more beautiful in anger than repose! I don’t ask for your love. I THINK IT VILE. I CALL IT RUDE I CALL IT SHAM! I CALL IT LEWD I CALL IT CRUEL. you must stay or do more harm than can be undone. NEVER HAS THERE BEEN SO QUITE EXHAUSTED SUCH A TERM. WHAT LITTLE MEANING MIGHT REMAIN IS QUICKLY BLURRED. ‘TIS YOU I’LL BREAK! I’VE NO DENIAL MY WORDS ARE MAD: I SPEAK THEM IN THE NAME OF LOVE! 80 2-2-12 . You’re mad! ROSA JASPER I mean to show you how mad my love is— ROSA (Bitterly) Love!!! You dare to use that word! (Music begins as Rosa breaks past him. that enchanting scorn! It will be enough for me. (SHE starts to pull away.) Yes. YOUR SIGHS AND SYLLABLES CONFIRM HOW DRAINED THIS WORD. YOU CALL IT RUDE. but HE snaps her back) I warn you. AND I THE FOOL. rare charmer. ROSA YOU CALL IT LOVE. RARELY HAS A WORD BEEN EVER TAKEN SO IN VAIN. YOU SEE ME SMILE. NOT ABUSED BY EVERY TONGUE. NO MORE I’LL TAKE OF CUNNING GUILE! YOU’RE WORSE THAN BAD: YOU GIVE TO SIN THE NAME OF LOVE! JASPER I CALL IT LOVE.. I CANNOT BEAR TO CALL IT LOVE! I THINK IT FOUL.

YOU WILL SUBMIT AND GIVE YOUR FATE THE NAME OF THE NAME OF LOVE LOVE THE NAME OF LOVE LOVE THE NAME OF LOVE LOVE THE NAME OF LOVE LOVE THE NAME OF LOVE (As THEY segue into “Moonfall. I HAVE A CHOICE: I’LL TAKE TO FLIGHT.” ROSA tries to break away from JASPER’s hypnotic hold but is repeatedly drawn back in fascinated terror) LA-LA-LA-LOVE. LA-LA-LA-LOVE. A NEOPHYTE: ROSA IS THE ONLY SOUL IN CLOISTERHAM. 81 2-2-13 . A GIRL. IS IT SO MUCH FOR ME TO ASK? I ONLY SEEK THE NAME OF LOVE! I LOVE TO HEAR THE ANGRY BITE OF YOUR FAIR VOICE! ONE BLAZING NIGHT. I NEED NOT CLUTCH. I’LL NOT PERMIT YOU TO DESECRATE THE NAME OF LOVE! THE THE THE THE NAME NAME NAME NAME OF OF OF OF JASPER YOU KNOW MY WANTS. TO FEEL YOUR TOUCH! A DREADFUL TASK TO EVEN SPEAK THE NAME OF LOVE! I WILL NOT FEAR MY TRAGIC PLIGHT. TO SEE YOU CLUTCH. WHO SENSES JUST THE SORT OF DREAMS YOU DREAM AT NIGHT. TO HEAR YOUR VOICE. DID YOU THINK YOUR STARE WOULD STOP ME SEEING? EVERY FIBRE OF MY BEING TOLD ME SINCE I WAS BETROTHED THAT YOUR MOST UNNATURAL ATTENTION CONJURES WORDS I DARE NOT MENTION YOU MUST KNOW HOW MUCH I LOATHED ROSA TO KNOW YOUR WANTS. LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LOVE. LA-LA-LA-LOVE.ROSA ROSA BUD THE DAINTY LITTLE FACE WHOSE EVERY CURL CONFIRMS THAT SHE’S A CHILD. IT SEEMS. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE.

and JASPER. MY OWN. PUFFER entering. YOU CALL IT LOVE! ME ALL. THE NAME OF LOVE YOUR NAME IS LOVE IS CHILLING TO ME! AND THRILLING TO ME! ENSEMBLE FALL OF THE NIGHT AH-ALL OF THE LIGHT! GLEAMING LIKE THE RAIN AT DAYLIGHTS BREAK SEE! TRANSFIXED WITH ONE. YOU MAKE AWAKE.. JOHN. MY LOVE. and now I have one of the very bits of information I came here for. YOU SO ENSLAVE? SAVE ME.. comments as CAST exists) PUFFER Well. MIXED WITH THE THUNDER OF HIS LOVE. TRANSFIXED WITH TRANSFIXED WITH WONDER. SAVE ME.. -LOVE-- ROSA & JASPER BENEATH THESE SKIES ONE NIGHT UNKNOWN WOULD HE/SHE DARE? BETWEEN OUR EYES ONE SIGHT ALONE WE SHARE AH-ENSEMBLE ROSA & JASPER THE SIGHT OF MOONFALL AS IT COMES INTO VIEW... OF THIS LOVE. MOONFALL.I’ve just overheard something! Yes. CAN YOU NOT CAN YOU NOT SEE THIS VICTIM FREE THIS VICTIM AND LO.. pursues her. AND YET HE AND LET THESE SEEMS DREAMS SO IN PAIN! REMAIN.ROSA JASPER AND IN THE AND IN THE MOONFALL. after a moment. ONE. HIS SLAVE. ME LIKE STONE. ROSA SO THAT SOON I ONLY SEE BUT YOU! SEE BUT YOU! YOU! JASPER SO I PROMISE THAT YOU SHALL BE SOON A GOLDEN IDOL WHOM I OWN AND LOVE AND LEAD INTO A SEA OF LIGHT! ‘TIS BUT THE FALLING MOON! FALLING MOON! AH-AH-ENSEMBLE YOU! SEE BUT (ROSA runs off in terror. DURDLES Then you’re leaving Cloisterham already? 82 2-2-14 .

THEN. FRIENDS SAID. EH. (Easy musical vamp begins) I’ve never in my wretched life been this close to getting anything I set about after. DON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD..DON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD. “SO THAT’S YOUR WILDEST DREAM. “DON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD” (PRINCIPALS and ENSEMBLE enter during the number as directed to positions as choreographed for a final “kickline” for ALL) PUFFER ONCE I BET MY LAST TEN PENCE— AND WON. to audience) I didn’t come this far only to turn away with but one piece of puzzle in my hand. USE THE HEART THAT BEATS WITHIN YOUR BREAST. DON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD.. NEVER REST. ONLY JUST THREE WINKS AWAY FROM ME.. I’ve never understood those in life who ease up— just when they should push on. SING OUT: DATCHERY & PUFFER “THERE’S MORE IN STORE FOR ME” BAZZARD & DURDLES I SEE MY DREAM SHIP FIN’LY COMIN’ IN LIKE A STEAMSHIP ANCH’RIN IN TO WIN PUFFER & DATCHERY LIFT YOUR CHIN! REMEMBER WHAT I SAID.. just when I’m winning. TWICE AS RICH THEN.. TWENTY PENCE INSTEAD OF TEN? DOUBLE UP MY BET AGAIN! IN LIFE. PUFFER continues. more the fool I’d be to pull back. 83 2-2-15 ... LET GO! ROSA & HELENA I KNOW THERE MUST BE LOVE THAT’S YET TO BE.PUFFER Not bloody likely! (DURDLES nods and exits. JUST PRESS YOUR BLESSED LUCK INSTEAD! DATHCERY DON’T TRY TO THINK WHAT MOVE MIGHT BE THE BEST. “CALL IT DONE!” “HOW SAD. WE START THE SAME AS WHEN WE’RE DONE: IF YOU LOSE.” I SAID. YOU’RE JUST WHERE YOU’VE BEGUN-IF YOU’VE WON. HOPEFULLY. 15..

OO-LAH-DEE-DAH! DON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD. “THERE’S MORE IN STORE FOR ME” THERE’S MUCH MORE FOR ME. ALL (PRINCIPALS & ENSEMBLE) STRUCK A LUCKY VEIN. BAZZARD.) AH-AH-- TA-RAY-TA-REE! BOOM! BANG IT. “I’M OFF TO BED. BAZZARD. 84 2-2-16 . DATCHERY. HOO-RAY-HA-RAH! BOOM! CLANG IT. DURDLES DON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD. ONE PIPE-DREAM THAT IS MINE. ROSA. DON’T SAY. QUITE RIPE UPON THE VINE. CRISPARKLE. DURDLES DON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD TO STAY! ALL (PRINCIPALS & ENSEMBLE) TA-RAY-TA-RAH! BOOM! BANG IT. CLASH IT. OO-LAH-DEE-DEE! DON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD. GLORY BE! BOOM! CLANG IT.PUFFER. WHO CARES? NEVILLE & CRISPARKLE AND THERE’S A CHANCE. CLASH IT. LUCKY CHAIN. BASH IT. FAREWELL” PAGET/JASPER FULL WELL I KNOW! DON’T LET THE MOMENT GO TO WASTE NOT WITH VIC-T’RY CLOSE ENOUGH TO TASTE CHAIRMAN & JASPER HEED THE CALL WITH ALL DUE HASTE! FOR GOD’S OWN SAKE! SO RAISE THE STAKE! YOU NEVER BREAK THROUGH ANY THE REFRAIN “DON’T QUIT AS EAS-LY DONE AS SAID. A ROMANCE. THERE’S MUCH MORE FOR ME. HELENA NO VICTOR EVER FLED! PUFFER. BASH IT. WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD” YOU’LL SEE: WOMEN (ENS. DATCHERY. SING OUT. OO. DON’T WORRY HOW YOU TREAD. DON’T RESIGN! ROSA & HELENA NEVILLE.

my dear friends. and conclude: (Gavel once) The Mystery. this is all we shall ever know for sure about the mystery of Edwin Drood..(End of “DON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD”. we hear the orchestra members frantically thumbing through their music looking for the next page of score. however. resolve. at least within the confines of this humble theatre. DULL OF NIGHT. WE SEE THE SLIGHTEST GLIMM’RING OF LIGHT QUITE SHIMM’RING IN THE DIM. CHAIRMAN calls to PURCELL) Encore.. Tonight. we shall together solve. THE TRUTH IS THIS: WE FIND THAT WHAT BE-(Their voices and the music abruptly cease. (Gavel twice) ALL Of Edwin Droooood! (Final gavel.the play collapses) CHAIRMAN (At last. that something has gone wrong. BUT FIN’LLY WE UNWIND THE PLOT. The audience may get the uncomfortable feeling that someone has forgotten a line. The curtain closes) 85 2-V-17 . And so. Charles Dickens laid down his pen forever. it was at this point in our story that Mr. PUFFER & DATCHERY look around anxiously. over audience applause.. JASPER/PAGET steps out of character and peers in the direction of the CHAIRMAN as if to ask what is going on. and with great sadness) Ladies and gentlemen.. Maestro s’il vous plait! CHAIRMAN ALL (Singing in a stage whisper) AND NOW AT LAST.

no. The Flight of Edwin Drood.. is actually someone we have already met. in front of the curtain... Which brings us to our first key question: Is Edwin Drood dead. for example: (In their “own” voices:) The Loss of Edwin Drood. But in a daring and perhaps dangerously democratic move.. NUTTING/DROOD CONOVER/HELENA GRINSTEAD/LANDLESS The Disappearance of Edwin Drood CHAIRMAN But nowhere The Death of Edwin Drood. a character from Act One who is roaming Cloisterham disguised as Datchery so as to better investigate the disappearance of Edwin Drood. ALL actors from the previous scene remain present. though it has little to do with the plot at hand. Tonight. (COMPANY cheers this news) 86 2-V-18 . a fetching and feminine MISS ALICE NUTTING) But this does not mean that Edwin Drood is Datchery. You see.THE VOTING (Stage of The Music Hall Royale with bright. And. the part of Datchery has been taken thus far this evening by that master and mistress of male impersonation: Miss Alice Nutting! (With a flourish. now in their VICTORIAN PERSONAE mode except when they re-enact lines from the play) CHAIRMAN One minor mystery we can resolve immediately. our questions shall be answered primarily by you. is that she was contracted to appear in two acts of this play. in abbreviated costume and tights. many would say that a mystery without a murder is no mystery at all. ladies and gentlemen. Dick Datchery. DATCHERY twirls off “his” coat.ACT II .well. The Music Hall Royale has decided to grant our company themselves the right to vote upon one issue each night. Oh. Mr. The reason for Miss Nutting’s portrayal of Dick Datchery this evening is. warm lights. beard and wig to reveal. Charles Dickens experimented with many different titles for our story. most literary experts agree that our enquiring detective.or alive? Mr. far from it. if you catch my drift. and our management believes in an honest week’s work for an honest day’s pay. On the other hand.as many of you have no doubt already guessed...

but you’ve snuffed it. we can now safely eliminate Edwin Drood from that consideration. (NUTTING does so) Gentlemen. but without exception.) Thank you. certain of the outcome. ladies..) 87 2-V-19 . envious little peons! It’s obvious to everyone here that DROOD. (NUTTING. will kindly turn her back to the cast. Throttle? STAGE MANAGER “WHO IS THE DETECTIVE. hesitation. Throttle? STAGE MANAGER IS EDWIN DROOD DEAD— OR ALIVE? Miss Nutting. (NUTTING burns and fumes as CHAIRMAN continues:) And our next key Question. (NUTTING. back to the cast and audience.. since our cast has voted him dead for the remainder of the evening-NUTTING (Finally exploding at CAST and CHAIRMAN) Dead? Ha and Bloody Ha Ha! You absolute. is the lone but confident hand raised) Thank you. (CAST MEMBERS vote with varying degrees of anxiety. Miss Nutting. glee... this evening your question will be.CHAIRMAN (continued) And so.Mr. Mr. and it’s even more transparent that this petty. who has a vested interest in the outcome.as your whim takes you this evening. do the same now. turns to face audience and CHAIRMAN.. if you please.. DICK DATCHERY?” CHAIRMAN Well. etc. that I am Datchery. all! (NUTTING storms off toward her dressing room. jealous cast bitterly resents the attention I’ve received in the local press! Goodbye. By a massive majority. my fellow acolytes of the thespianic persuasion. vote DROOD dead.. All those who believe Edwin Drood is dead. smugness.) CHAIRMAN I’m sorry. And all those who believe Edwin Drood is alive. I fear. please raise your hands.

ladies and gentlemen.” CHAIRMAN Who more likely to investigate the disappearance of Drood than he who is most suspected of foul play? Or did someone else wish to clear Neville’s name? 88 2-V-20 . then her mustache was too long.” CHAIRMAN A hit. Neville revealed in Act One: NEVILLE (Stepping forward) “In desperation.” CHAIRMAN Who more likely to don such a melodramatic garb and seek the spotlight? Why otherwise does he appear in our story at all? NEVILLE (Stepping forward) “From my earliest remembrances. I told her she was splitting hairs. even disguising herself as a boy.. (SHE is gone. for this bit of unpleasantry in what. But in all fairness to our cast and to our story.. many literary experts disagree with Miss Nutting’s contention that Edwin Drood and Dick Datchery are one and the same person. I offer you: Helena Landless! About her.well.. First. a palpable hit! But is it a meaningful thrust. I long to play a larger part. under the given circumstances? HELENA (Stepping forward) “Not under any circumstances!” (HELENA & NEVILLE step back) CHAIRMAN But the candidates hardly end there. CHAIRMAN appeals to audience:) You have no idea the week we’ve had with her.or misdirection? Wouldn’t Helena Landless be fearful of pursuing John Jasper. there are several prime candidates for the face behind Datchery’s beard! For instance. I’ve been secret and revengeful.I must apologize. Helena tried on more than one occasion to flee our stepfather’s cruel and miserly hand. I’m sure you’ll agree. please yourselves.. I must strenuously point out that many. I’m sure that.. What say you of— Bazzard? BAZZARD (Stepping forward) “I love the theatrical world.. But there are other stages beyond the proscenium.CHAIRMAN Well. Indeed. Miss Nutting. has been an otherwise flawless evening.. I— really. her dressing room was too small.

. flustered. identifying candidates. whose passions and energy lay hidden beneath his clerical garb. (Knowingly) MALE ENSEMBLE I’ll say!! (ROSA. Soon we shall be asking you to decide who is the murderer of Edwin Drood. they all appear in scenes with him.. Dicken’s novel. Dick Datchery: (Candidates step forward to form a line) And may I suggest that we vote the way it is done in amateur theatrical contests? As the handkerchief is held above the head of each candidate. Durdles.they are observed to be in his company. not necessarily in the following order:) 89 2-V-21 .Rosa! Could it be that we have underestimated the resourcefulness of this woman-child? Did she take it upon herself to investigate the disappearance of Edwin Drood? (CHAIRMAN nods to himself and regards ROSA) Looks can be deceiving. to save the lad who has been his charge and responsibility. Mr. And do remember.perhaps he has adopted yet another uniform. if you please.. Crisparkle. pray applaud for your own favorite in the part of Datchery. the Princess Puffer. bats her eyes innocently as the men nod and laugh leeringly with each other) CHAIRMAN This much I do know for certain: Datchery is not John Jasper.for in our play and in Mr. And so we are left with the following candidates for the role of The Detective. (STAGE MANAGER holds handkerchief over appropriate head. that of Datchery... And then there is the puzzling and intriguing possibility of.CRISPARKLE (Stepping forward) “Neville has been entrusted to my care... Deputy.. Throttle. we have larger decisions still to come.” (NEVILLE steps back) CHAIRMAN The Reverend Mr. or even Mayor Sapsea. So don’t merely vote for whichever cast member is a distant cousin of yours for Heaven’s sake.

vanished. across the stage and out the center aisle. departed. Edwin Droooood! (Orchestra members shiver. (Regards audience. as in all great mystery stories. NUTTING storms out. late. ladies and gentlemen. For now.. Bazzard! That ecstatic ecclesiastic. to a much more serious matter. Mr. (Pause) Mother irons. A culprit.If they occur. (character’s name) is our Datchery tonight! (To newly-elected DATCHERY) You’d best make a quick change of costume. 90 2-V-22 . (NEW DATCHERY nods and exits) And now to a much more-(CHAIRMAN is interrupted by a commotion. please! Such appalling behavior is due entirely to Upbringing! Her parents were in the Iron and Steel business. we must find ourselves.a killer. A fiend. CHAIRMAN rebukes them:) Oh shut up! One more like that and I’ll send you all back to The Salvation Army. optionally leading a lap dog on a leash.STAGE MANAGER The tempestuous Miss Helena Landless! All the way from Ceylon. I can see several members of the audience more than ready to assist you in the process.. vanquished. never looking back. now dressed in Victorian street clothes and carrying a small vanity bag. In short. turn back on audience in disbelief) You mean you didn’t like that? Well. Neville Landless! The lovely Miss Rosa Bud! The underrated Mr. the murderer of the dear.. NUTTING enters.) Miss Nutting! Really! Well! (HE allows audience to applaud her as SHE exits) Ladies and gentlemen. invites boos.. Father steals. Reverend Crisparkle (The field is narrowed until the outcome is clearly determined to the satisfaction of all) CHAIRMAN Very good. This brings us. lamented title character of our play.

who shall be our Murderer tonight? First for your consideration. in a hopeless attempt to win the love of the fair Miss Rosa Bud. (HE dispatches PAGET back to his previous mark) Now we’re going to do this until we get it right! Here we go. the obvious villain of the piece. ladies and gentlemen. it’s too late for that now. ladies and gentlemen! Do you not know that here at The Music Hall we Boo and Hiss the Villain? (The audience endeavors to oblige..” steps forward. well.. Clive Paget as John Jasper! (PAGET/JASPER who is busy kissing on of the company’s “vivacious ingenues. Hasn’t it? Where then the mystery? Where indeed? So how stand you? For the obvious answer— or for a more perplexing solution? (The cast members wholeheartedly endorse this possibility and enter the house to prepare for the voting. we’ll have to so the whole thing over again. to which attempt CHAIRMAN admonishes:) No. Big Mouths. one more chance: I give you the most obvious candidate for the part of Villain this evening: Mr. in which PAGET exults) Come. Where Then The Mystery? (Pause) That’s taken the wind out of your sails. come.CHAIRMAN (continued) Who killed Edwin Drood. I give you the most obvious candidate for the part: Mr. Well. come now. More appropriately. Perhaps he is booed and hissed roundly by the audience. in which he preens— but in any case:) Oh. did indeed kill his nephew. I ask you: could this be all there is to the Mystery of Edwin Drood? That John Jasper. Edwin Drood. ladies and gentlemen. this time hopefully to sufficient boos from the audience. no. THROTTLE distributes numbered cards to SUSPECTS as they line up) 91 2-V-23 . Clive Paget as John Jasper! (Again PAGET steps forward. let’s do be serious! I ask you: is this the face of a murderer? (HE regards PAGET/JASPER’s matinee smile) Yes.

but he was an odious little twit and he deserved what he got! PRINCESS PUFFER Princess Puffer... Someone stop me before I sing again! ROSA Rosa Bud.. Members of our company are even now circulating among you to count vital votes. (Each character steps forward. I have stood in the cold shade of suspicion since our story began. as HE/SHE speaks. Have I in some way confused my mission here on earth? JASPER (Vote takers “hiss” from audience) Thank you very much.. in trying to save my brother. without question.. In all honesty I cannot recall anything of what transpired once Edwin and I reached the river. intended for comic relief.. ladies and gentlemen. Did I.which leaves us with these remaining candidates for the role of Murderer. I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than give Drood a frontal lobotomy.. CHAIRMAN Time. Who am I? And what am I? CRISPARKLE The Reverend Crisparkle. time at last to decide! And may I suggest for the sake of accuracy. let’s proceed posthaste to the voting. (Lights come up and CHAIRMAN looks at the assembled audience) --good lord! Is this what I’ve been dealing with tonight? No matter. not necessarily in this order. and never figure very intimately in the lives of the other characters. NEVILLE LANDLESS Neville Landless. John Jasper. Why on earth would someone as innocent and pure as myself murder my own true Ned? DURDLES Durdles. 92 2-V-24 . bring harm to Edwin Drood? (Dragon Lady snort or snarl) BAZZARD Bazzard. My need for attention has made me quite mad. ALL step back into line after they speak) HELENA Helena Landless.CHAIRMAN (continued) Now certain cast members can be safely eliminated from the bidding: Young DEPUTY and my own MAYOR SAPSEA role were.and we’ll begin. that we vote by a show of hands? So let’s bring up the houselights..

you may all open your eyes.Orchestra Underscore “DON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD” [Reprise} CHAIRMAN & SUSPECTS YOU’VE WATCHED US FROWN.. the company begins heading back to the stage. YOU’VE SETTLED UP THE SCORE AT LAST! CHAIRMAN Ladies and gentlemen. And ladies and gentlemen. Pray close your eyes then now! FLO (Screaming at the cheaters in the audience) Close your eyes! CHAIRMAN (HE makes no move but continues to speak) I am offering the port. The overall effect should be cacophony so that it is impossible to tell who is winning overall. WIN OR LOSE. and as the suspects begin to sing.right. for the next few moments I strenuously request that you close your eyes. ideally using an audience member to assist in counting the hands or to hold up numbered cards to that section who is being voted for... taking their vote totals into the wings. tightly.. the STAGE MANAGER crosses to the CHAIRMAN with a glass of port) VOTING: “A BRITISH SUBJECT” [Reprise] . WE’RE FIT TO FILL THE ROLE. so that the final denouement may come as a complete surprise. HERE’S THE NEWS: YOUR JUDGEMENT HAS BEEN PASSED.(Each vote-taker begins to poll their section of the audience. (ALL suspects wipe their lips) 93 2-V-25 . YOUR MURD’RER PICKED IS HERE IN SIGHT! TONIGHT YOU CHOOSE FROM CANDIDATES GALORE. our murderer is drinking it. PEER AT EVERY SOUL IN THE TOWN.. SETTLE DOWN! YOUR VERDICT WILL BE CLEAR. LEER. The orchestra plays an underscore. we have determined the murderer in our midst! I shall now offer a sip of port to your chosen fiend that he— or she— will know your verdict. YOU’RE GRAND INQUISITOR.. When all the vote-takers have returned.

you cannot trust anyone here tonight! And so.. friends of the Music Hall Royale... By your own determination. as we serpentine towards the conclusion that you have chosen for us tonight! (Houselights slowly dim to drum roll) And so.the finale of.and at long last... The conclusion. For the first time. ladies and gentlemen...... (Gavel once) The Mystery (Gavel twice) COMPANY Of Edwin Drooooooooooooood!! ... I only caution you to prepare for a few unexpected twists and turns.CHAIRMAN (continued) You see. as our cast departs backstage where at this very moment your votes are being counted.

it’s bloody freezin’ again.. But can you remember your nanny. I don’t want you to see me this way. Rosa. Missy. PUFFER ROSA How on earth could you know my name? PUFFER Know? I’ve only known since the day you were born. bag in hand) PUFFER Ooh. is ROSA. Rushing by. Rosa.” (Music fades out) Perhaps not coincidentally. yes. Don’t look at me. (CHAIRMAN exits. ‘Ere.ACT II .” So. and I have little more than three and six to get me to London. Only bathed you and fed you. the last chapter he wrote was called “The Dawn Again. At long last. yes. let us begin our last chapter amid the cold grey tendrils of a dim English dawn. Dickens’ novel was entitled: “The Dawn. It is a bewitching cobalt dawn) CHAIRMAN The first chapter of Mr.. and see your Nan instead? 95 2-S-27 . PUFFER Running away from something? ROSA Yes.THE SOLUTION (Fanfare as the curtain rises on High Street near the Cathedral. I fear. (ROSA stops but is still obviously in a hurry) What— what is it? ROSA PUFFER Can you spare three and six for a Christian soul in distress? ROSA We’re both Christian souls in distress. PUFFER is standing in a corner of the Cathedral. some twelve years ago? Will you look at me now. my own darling girl. And now I must-Rosa. dressed for travel.

SIR. God love you. SURVIVAL’S COST: DARK VICES I MUST SELL. THEY’LL TEAR YOU ALL ABOUT.I was six and then you weren’t there anymore. EMBRACED MY FALL THIS WORLD I’M TRAPPED WITHIN MY VIRTUE LOST. (Music starts) but a common one.. But why did you leave me? ROSA PUFFER It’s a sad story.somewhere. HE KNEW HIS WAY SO WELL LED ME DOWN THE GARDEN PATH TO HELL. TOO.. Rosa.. AND HE GAVE ME FAREWELL LEAVING ME TO WEED THE PATH TO HELL. PRICE IS FIVE AND TWO. HE’S WHERE MY END BEGAN. did you? I was the closest thing to that for you. you never really know your mother. PUFFER You do remember. MARRIAGE IN ME ‘EAD WHAT I GOT INSTEAD RUINATION AND DESPAIR TO SIN MY FATE WAS LED I GAVE MY GENT MY EVERY CENT. BUT CONFUSING WHEN YOU FIND THERE’S NO WAY OUT. “THE GARDEN PATH” I WAS ONCE YOUR NAN THEN I MET A MAN TALL AND ALL WITH GOLDEN HAIR.. LET HIM HAVE HIS WAY WITH ME. HERE’S A TOT FOR YOU. I fear. PUFFER 96 2-S-28 . 16.ROSA Nan. SOLD MY SOUL TO SIN SO I TURNED TO GIN ABANDONED ALL. STROLLING THROUGH THE MAZE IS AMUSING.. LIFE’S A MAZE OF HEDGES THAT PRICKLE YOU.. SIR. AS THEY TICKLE YOU.

I KNOW THE PATH SO WELL TO HELL… TO HELL.PUFFER (continued) CAN’T YOU SEE THE GARDEN? IT’S SUCH A LOVELY GARDEN. THE LAST NIGHT. I’VE COME BACK A TIME OR TWO. WAS THIS MISTER DATCHERY SO. I CAN’T SEE TO CLEAR BUT I FOLLOWED HIM HERE. AND AS HE DRANK HIS CUP OF SATAN’S BLOOD. (If Rosa is DATCHERY. SHE exits to change into DATCHERY costume) ONE ICY EVENING... DICK DATCHERY IS THE VICAR! (PUFFER and ROSA exit when they see DATCHERY. MY OWN. I’LL TAKE YOU THERE. I’M DEEP ASHAMED YOU WENT THROUGH LIFE ALONE.. HE MADE THE GREAT MISTAKE OF CRYING “ROSA BUD!” NOW IT’S ONE THING FOR THEM LIKE ME TO MIX AND MINGLE WITH THE LIKES OF HE. I FOLLOW HIS TRACKS TO HIS LODGINGS IN THE BACKS THO’ I HATE TO CONFESS. TRACKING ME.. DICK DATCHERY IS BAZZARD! (PUFFER and ROSA exit when they see DATCHERY. AND YET DESPITE MY DRE’FUL FALL FROM GRACE. 17. WELL. Go to page 2-S-30) (If DATCHERY is REVEREND CRISPARKLE:) TOOK A QUICK CHANGE OF ROBES AND A MIND EVEN QUICKER.. “PUFFER’S REVELATION” ROSA. WE ARE BOTH MADE FROM GOD’S MOST LOWLY CLAY AND MUD. BUT HOW COMES THIS MAN TO CRY OUT “ROSA BUD”! WELL. I NEVER ONCE FORGOT YOUR NAME OR FACE.. Go to page 2-S-32) 97 2-S-29 . MY CHILD. A CLIENT OF MINE BEGAN TO RAVE AND CRAVE SOME LAUDANUM WINE. I WATCHED THIS MAN UNDRESS AND I SAW SUDDENWISE HIM WITHOUT HIS BOLD DISGUISE (DATCHERY enters) (If DATCHERY is BAZZARD:) AND THE JOB TOOK THEATRICS AND NO FEAR OF HAZARD. FINDING OUT WHO WAS WHO.

. Go to page 2-S-34) (If DATCHERY IS NEVILLE LANDLESS:) THO’ MY MORALS ARE TILTED. Go to page 2-S-38) 98 2-S-30 .(If DATCHERY is HELENA LANDLESS:) TOOK A BRAVE STRENGTH OF WILL AND MUCH WIT TO HAVE PLANNED THIS.... DICK DATCHERY WAS ROSA! (PUFFER exits when SHE sees DATCHERY. Go to page 2-S-36) (If DATCHERY IS ROSA:) UNDERNEATH ALL THAT HAIR WAS A FAIR WHITE MIMOSA.. MY EYESIGHT IS LEVEL.DICK DATCHERY IS MISS LANDLESS! (PUFFER and ROSA exit when they see DATCHERY. DICK DATHCERY IS NEVILLE! (PUFFER and ROSA exit when they see DATCHERY..

HER MOTHER’S SHE GAVE DROOD THAT NIGHT. FOUND THE DENS HE DESCENDS TO BELOW. TELL HIM THAT DATCHERY KNOWS! 99 2-S-31 . JOYFULLY NOW I TAKE CENTER-STAGE. MY MOTIVE IN TAKING THIS PART WAS TO HONE EVEN FURTHER MY ART. GOING OUT ON A LIMERICK. JUST A SHRED OF A SECOND OF FAME! AS A PLAYWRIGHT A PLOT TO UNRAVEL SHOULD NOT POSE A PROBLEM MUCH HARDER TO TAME. THIS WAS MY GREATEST AUDITION-TWO DECENT ROLES AT ONE TIME! FINALLY SOME RECOGNITION. I FOLLOWED JOHN JASPER HIGH-LOW. STAGING THE SCENE OF THE CRIME. AND AS DATCHERY I DID MY BIT SO TO CLEAR NEVILLE’S NAME. WHAT A SIGHT! (BAZZARD produces ROSA’s clasp from Act I. TOO. “OUT ON A LIMERICK” (If BAZZARD is DATCHERY. DRESSED IN THIS WIG. AUTHOR AM I AT LEAST OF THIS PAGE. JASPER TOOK IT FORM NED AFTER HURLING HIM DEAD TO THE WEIR RIVERBED. (I CONFESS TO MY SHAME. ‘TWAS FOR VANITY. IT IS I— I GLADLY REVEAL! MY JOY IN TELLING ALL I CANNOT CONCEAL. I SUPPOSE. A THEATRICAL BENT AND A COSTUME THAT’S LENT LET ME STRIVE FOR WHAT’S DEAR TO MY HEART: THE CHANCE FOR SOME PUBLIC ACCLAIM. OUT ON A LIMERICK AIR! I FOUND A THEATRICAL KIT. laughing.18. I ADMIT). SO I CREPT IN THE LODGINGS OF JASPER. OUT ON A LIMERICK. which HE displays prominently for audience’s benefit) THERE I FOUND ROSA BUD’S CLASP. AND WHEN PUFFER CAME HERE ‘TWAS IMMEDIATELY CLEAR MY SUSPICIONS WERE QUITE APROPOS. HE pulls off his false beard and wig) BAZZARD YES.

AND THE PROOF IS QUITE CLEAR. TOWNSPEOPLE and PRINCIPALS enter) (Go to page 2-S-40) 100 2-S-32 . LET HIM BE HUNG! (JASPER is hurled from his home by HORACE and OTHERS towards the audience. LET US BRING JASPER HERE TO BE TRIED AND THE TIED UP AND STRUNG! AND FROM THIS LIMERICK.

laughing. (Lays down DATCHERY clothing. WHAT A SIGHT! (CRISPARKLE produces ROSA’s clasp from Act I. HE pulls of the false beard and wig) CRISPARKLE YES. AND IF ANYONE KNEW HE HAD FEELINGS LIKE YOU. I FOLLOWED JOHN JASPER HIGH-LOW. JASPER TOOK IT FORM NED AFTER HURLING HIM DEAD TO THE WEIR RIVERBED. OR THINE. ‘TWAS FOR HELENA. FOUND THE DENS HE DESCENDS TO BELOW.18. OUT ON A LIMERICK AIR! I FOUND A THEATRICAL KIT. SPEAK OF “THEE. OUT ON A LIMERICK. IT IS I— MY CONSCIENCE IS CLEARED! I’VE DONNED A FROCK BEFORE BUT NEVER A BEARD DEAD NOW IS DATCH’RY BORN ON A WHIM. AND WHEN PUFFER CAME HERE ‘TWAS IMMEDIATELY CLEAR MY SUSPICIONS WERE QUITE APROPOS. “SURELY YOU JEST”! PARISHIONERS TAKE GREAT OFFENSE AT ALL PRIESTS WHO WOULD LIKE TO BE GENTS. AND AS DATCHERY I DID MY BIT SO TO CLEAR NEVILLE’S NAME. TOO. and removes his own collar defiantly) THERE ONCE WAS A MAN WHO WAS DRESSED IN A CLERICAL COLLAR AND VEST. REVEREND DATCHERY KNOWS! 101 2-S-33 . FINDING WHAT WAS TO BE FOUND! I WAS OUT ON A LIMERICK. THEY’D REPLY TO HIM. (I CONFESS TO MY SHAME. IT WAS A BOLD REVOLUTION. DRESSED IN THIS GARB. TURNING MY COLLAR AROUND! SEEKING THIS PUZZLES SOLUTION.” BUT WE MUSTN’T TAKE HOLD OF EVENTS. WE CAN DISPENSE WITH LAST RITES FOR HIM. blesses it. WE CAN CONSECRATE WINE. I SUPPOSE. which HE displays prominently for audience’s benefit) THERE I FOUND ROSA BUD’S CLASP. “OUT ON A LIMERICK” (If CRISPARKLE is DATCHERY. THOU. HER MOTHER’S SHE GAVE DROOD THAT NIGHT. SO I CREPT IN THE LODGINGS OF JASPER. I ADMIT).

LET HIM BE HUNG! (JASPER is hurled from his home by HORACE and OTHERS towards the audience. LET US BRING JASPER HERE TO BE TRIED AND THE TIED UP AND STRUNG! AND FROM THIS LIMERICK. TOWNSPEOPLE and PRINCIPALS enter) (Go to page 2-S-40) .AND THE PROOF IS QUITE CLEAR.

laughing vibrantly. SO I CREPT IN THE LODGINGS OF JASPER. ‘TWAS FOR VENGEANCE AS WELL. DRESSED IN THIS GARB. HER MOTHER’S SHE GAVE DROOD THAT NIGHT. AND AS DATCHERY I DID MY BIT SO TO CLEAR NEVILLE’S NAME.18. IT’S A GREAT HANDICAP. AND WHEN PUFFER CAME HERE ‘TWAS IMMEDIATELY CLEAR MY SUSPICIONS WERE QUITE APROPOS. JASPER TOOK IT FORM NED AFTER HURLING HIM DEAD TO THE WEIR RIVERBED. FOUND THE DENS HE DESCENDS TO BELOW. PLAYING THE PART OF A MAN! REALLY THERE’S NOTHING MUCH TO IT-MOST ANY ANIMAL CAN! CLIMBING OUT ON A LIMERICK. “OUT ON A LIMERICK” (If HELENA is DATCHERY. SHE pulls the false beard and wig from her face) HELENA THANK GOD FOR THAT! THE SHEEP HAS BEEN SHEARED! I DON’T KNOW HOW MEN LIVE THROUGH HEAT WITH A BEARD. OUT ON A LIMERICK. SO THIS DISGUISE SAW ME THROUGH IT. I SUPPOSE. ARE REMARKABLY LEERY OF WOMEN WHO QUERY TOO MUCH. “HELENA DATCHERY” KNOWS! 103 2-S-35 . GLADLY I SHED THIS TENT OF A COAT. I FOLLOWED JOHN JASPER HIGH-LOW. WHAT A SIGHT! (HELENA produces ROSA’s clasp from Act I. which SHE displays prominently for audience’s benefit) THERE I FOUND ROSA BUD’S CLASP. OUT ON A LIMERICK AIR! I FOUND A THEATRICAL KIT. (I CONFESS TO MY SHAME. I ADMIT). FOR STRANGERS WHO’LL CHAT WITH A CHAP. AND REVEAL THIS AND THAT IN A SNAP. MY EXPLANATION I NOW EMOTE: MY MOTIVE IN TAKING THIS ROLE OF A WIGGED AND WHITE-WHISKERED SOUL WAS TO ABLY DISGUISE MY MOST FEMININE SIZE WHEN I’D TAKE AN ENQUIRING STROLL.

LET US BRING JASPER HERE TO BE TRIED AND THE TIED UP AND STRUNG! AND FROM THIS LIMERICK.AND THE PROOF IS QUITE CLEAR. LET HIM BE HUNG! (JASPER is hurled from his home by HORACE and OTHERS towards the audience. TOWNSPEOPLE and PRINCIPALS enter) (Go to page 2-S-40) 104 2-S-36 .

. I HAD ALSO INTENDED TO FIND JUST WHAT JASPER HAD ON HIS MIND. DRESSED IN THIS GARB. FOUND THE DENS HE DESCENDS TO BELOW. FROM THE BLEMISH OF BLAME. THERE LIES DICK DATCHERY. TELL HIM THAT DATCHERY KNOWS! 105 2-S-37 . STEPPING OUT ON A LIMERICK. SO I CREPT IN THE LODGINGS OF JASPER. OUT ON A LIMERICK AIR! I FOUND A THEATRICAL KIT. (‘TWAS FOR HELENA. HER MOTHER’S SHE GAVE DROOD THAT NIGHT. HE pulls the wig and beard from his face) NEVILLE THANK GOD FOR THAT— I GLADLY UNMASK! TO WEAR THIS COAT IN JUNE IS REALLY A TASK. TOO. ARE THEY BLIND! ALL OF THESE PEOPLE SUSPICIOUS THAT I HAD KILLED EDWIN DROOD.WITH THAT AS MY GOAL. MUCH TO EAGER IS HE THAT ALL CLOISTERHAM SEE ME THE MURDERER--GOD. I FOLLOWED JOHN JASPER HIGH-LOW. JASPER TOOK IT FORM NED AFTER HURLING HIM DEAD TO THE WEIR RIVERBED. I WORE THIS COSTUME SO CRUDE. WHAT A SIGHT! (NEVILLE produces ROSA’s clasp from Act I. OUT OF A LIMERICK. AND WITH THEIR ANGER SO VISCOUS.18. laughing. which HE displays prominently for audience’s benefit) THERE I FOUND ROSA BUD’S CLASP. AND AS DATCHERY I DID MY BIT SO TO CLEAR MY GOOD NAME. BORN ON A WHIM. “OUT ON A LIMERICK” (If NEVILLE is DATCHERY.. I ADMIT). AND WHEN PUFFER CAME HERE ‘TWAS IMMEDIATELY CLEAR MY SUSPICIONS WERE QUITE APROPOS. I SUPPOSE. MY MOTIVE IN TAKING THIS ROLL OF A WIGGED AND WHITE-WHISKERED SOUL WAS TO GET MYSELF BACK TO THIS CITY AND TRACK DOWN THE CULPRIT. WE CAN DISPENSE OF LAST RITES FOR HIM.

TOWNSPEOPLE and PRINCIPALS enter) (Go to page 2-S-40) 106 2-S-38 . LET US BRING JASPER HERE TO BE TRIED AND THE TIED UP AND STRUNG! AND FROM THIS LIMERICK.AND THE PROOF IS QUITE CLEAR. LET HIM BE HUNG! (JASPER is hurled from his home by HORACE and OTHERS towards the audience.

OUT ON A LIMERICK AIR! I FOUND A THEATRICAL KIT. SHE pulls the false beard and wig from her face) ROSA THANK GOD FOR THAT! THE SHEEP HAS BEEN SHEARED! I DON’T KNOW HOW MEN LIVE THROUGH HEAT WITH A BEARD. FOUND THE DENS HE DESCENDS TO BELOW. “OUT ON A LIMERICK” (If ROSA is DATCHERY. AND AS DATCHERY I DID MY BIT SO TO CLEAR NEVILLE’S NAME. PLAYING THE PART OF A MAN! REALLY THERE’S NOTHING MUCH TO IT-MOST ANY ANIMAL CAN! CLIMBING OUT ON A LIMERICK. (I CONFESS TO MY SHAME. I FOLLOWED JOHN JASPER HIGH-LOW. ‘TWAS FOR VENGEANCE AS WELL. THE ONE I GAVE EDWIN THAT NIGHT. SO THIS DISGUISE SAW ME THROUGH IT. IT’S A GREAT HANDICAP. AND WHEN PUFFER CAME HERE ‘TWAS IMMEDIATELY CLEAR MY SUSPICIONS WERE QUITE APROPOS. laughing vibrantly. FOR STRANGERS WHO’LL CHAT WITH A CHAP. AND REVEAL THIS AND THAT IN A SNAP.18. JASPER TOOK IT FORM NED AFTER HURLING HIM DEAD TO THE WEIR RIVERBED. DRESSED IN THIS GARB. ARE REMARKABLY LEERY OF WOMEN WHO QUERY TOO MUCH. “ROSA BUD DATCHERY” KNOWS! 107 2-S-39 . which SHE displays prominently for audience’s benefit) THERE I FOUND MY MOTHER’S CLASP. WHAT A SIGHT! (ROSA produces HER clasp from Act I. OUT ON A LIMERICK. I SUPPOSE. GLADLY I SHED THIS TENT OF A COAT. MY EXPLANATION I NOW EMOTE: MY MOTIVE IN TAKING THIS ROLE OF A WIGGED AND WHITE-WHISKERED SOUL WAS TO ABLY DISGUISE MY MOST FEMININE SIZE WHEN I’D TAKE AN ENQUIRING STROLL. SO I CREPT IN THE LODGINGS OF JASPER. I ADMIT).

AND THE PROOF IS QUITE CLEAR. LET US BRING JASPER HERE TO BE TRIED AND THE TIED UP AND STRUNG! AND FROM THIS LIMERICK. TOWNSPEOPLE and PRINCIPALS enter) (Go to “JASPER’S CONFESSION”) 108 2-S-40 . LET HIM BE HUNG! (JASPER is hurled from his home by HORACE and OTHERS towards the audience.

now fearful. BUT NOW I THINK I’M AT THE BRINK OF BREAKING THROUGH THE DOOR-I’M IN. RESIDES HIMSELF WHERE I’VE NO EYES TO SEE.. I’M OUT. THAT’S WHEN MY GREATEST FLIGHT OF FANCY DID TAKE PLACE: I WATCHED MY HANDS OUTSTRETCHED TOWARDS EDWIN’S PALE WHITE FACE. HE’S FREE. JASPER writhes in its glint like Dracula pinioned by a shaft of daylight. I’M FREE. HE’S OUT. AND THEN TO TOAST MY NED AND NEVILLE. and cries ecstatically:) JASPER I WILL NOT LIE I WISHED NED TO DIE! (Reflectively) TWICE DEAD AM I. AND IN THE MOONFALL. TOUCHING MY SLEEVE HE FELL SO LIGHTLY! MOONFALL THEN FELL ON ME.. from which the TOWNSPEOPLE. I’M ME ONCE MORE! (Totally evil now) HOW MANY TIMES I’VE KILLED THAT DROOD UPON MY FLIGHTS! MY FLIGHTS THAT BURST THE SMUG PRESUMPTION OF HIS RIGHTS-HIS RIGHTS AS HEIR. YET TO ALL EYES REMAIN A SOUL GENTEEL WHO CAN CONCEAL THE VENOM IN HIS BRAIN. cringe with horrified screams.. I SAW MY FINGERS CLUTCHING HIS NECK SO TIGHTLY. I DRANK SOME. HIS face goes from terror of being caught to the joy of demonical rage. AND CUNNING BRIGHT IS HE WHO HIDES HIMSELF. CRISPARKLE emerges from the crowd and boldly produces a large cross from his costume. 109 2-S-41 .. A MAN COULD SPLIT IN TWAIN. HIS RIGHTS TO SHARE MY ROSA’S BED-IT TOOK NO STRETCH FOR ME TO PICTURE EDWIN DEAD! THAT NIGHT I POURED THEM BOTH DEEP CUPS OF LAUDANUM. “JASPER’S CONFESSION” (Angry TOWNSPEOPLE drag JASPER on stage.19. AND IF HE DRAWS UPON THE PAUSE IN MADNESS LAUDANUM WINE SUPPLIES-WHY THIS GREAT SURPRISE? THERE ARE TWO MEN IN ME.

Bill. Think I could have a quick nip of port? Durdles!! SAPSEA 110 2-S-42 .. Jasper’s door. Jasper. when the evil one is inside of you! But you’re not a murderer! You didn’t kill Edwin Drood! SAPSEA Durdles. THE DEED WAS MUCH TOO EAS’LY DONE: AS MUCH AS OVER ONCE IT HAD BEGUN! SUCH TRAGEDY TO FINALLY MAKE THE KILL AND NOT TO AWAKE TO TASTE THE THRILL. he says the following instead of the above paragraph) Exactly. and I’d sought shelter near Mr.. I’d been taking in more of the Christmas spirits than even I’m accustomed to. You’re a bad one. squire. It was a wild night that Christmas Eve. NOW I’VE CONFESSED! NOW WE BOTH CAN REST! (DURDLES. That’s when I saw one amongst you throttle Edwin Drood. squire. GOD. your Lordship. and in a convenient flash of lightening I saw who it was! *(If DURDLES is the murderer. as you’ll remember. and I’d sought shelter near Mr. Jasper’s door. bursts forth.let me understand— are you saying that John Jasper did not kill his nephew? DURDLES (See * below) Exactly. sir. as CRICKER:) That was quite a long speech.BUT. sir. you placed the coat that young DROOD wore that night down at the River Weir to throw suspicion on Neville Landless. bellowing:) [NOTE: Company Stage Manager must tell the Conductor which candidate has been selected as the MURDERER for this performance so musicians can prepare “confession” music] DURDLES No. It was a wild night that Christmas Eve. Edwin Drooooooooooooood! (In either case. I can’t let it happen! (To JASPER as SAPSEA enter) Yes. and I fear that I couldn’t raise a hand to help as John Jasper throttles his poor nephew. who has been loitering about and observing things from a distance. as you’ll remember. your Lordship.

(Go to page 2-S-45) . And then he gets up and he picks up young Drood..... Jarsper stagger out of his own home under the influence of potent medicine. Sapsea’s tomb. What? SAPSEA DURDLES Yes.It was (If DURDLES isn’t the murderer) (Next line according to the audiences vote) (Go (Go (Go (Go (Go (Go to to to to to to page page page page page page 2-S-43) 2-S-44) 2-S-46) 2-S-47) 2-S-48) 2-S-49) Bazzard! The Reverend Crisparkle! Helena Landless! Neville Landless! The Princess Puffer! Miss Rosa Bud! 111 2-S-43 . who did it? DURDLES (Savoring the moment.I killed Edwin Drood.DURDLES Right! Suddenly I see Mr. depositing the body-(HE suppresses a laugh) --right in Mrs. (If DURDLES is the murderer) . and suddenly he collapses. and he carries him into the cathedral and the down into the crypt.. I told you there was plenty of room in there-SAPSEA But now you must tell us Durdles.. HE regards the candidates) Lord love me.

20. “MURDERER’S CONFESSION” (BAZZARD) (With his desperate need for one moment in the spotlight. AND I KNOW ALL. I NOW SHOW ALL. SO I SET OUT TO BRING ABOUT THE DEATH OF EDWIN DROOD! AND IT TURNED OUT TO BE THIS REGION’S HOTLY-ARGUED RAGE. and his joy in at last being the object of everyone’s attention would be almost charmingly touching. AND EDWIN DOUBLY RUDE. TO SOLVE A MYST-RY WOULD PLUCK ME FROM OFF MY SHELF. FOR ALL IN TOWN THOUGHT NEVILLE MIGHT DO VIOLENT CRIME. Still. TO GAIN ACCLAIM. SHALL I GO ON TO TELL YOU MORE? SINCE I HAVE THE FLOOR: YOUNG NEVILLE HAD BEEN CRUDE. THEIR SHARE OF FAME. THE PUBLIC DOES DEMAND A CONTROVERSIAL CRIME PERVERSE. HE has become quite mad. it is hard not to feel happy for him) BAZZARD I SAW THE CHANCE TO BE A LEGEND IN MY TIME. His confession is lightly comedic. AT LAST I’M CENTER STAGE! AND I TIED THE KNOT AROUND HIS NECK AND HIS HEAD WAS STRUCK NEARBY! I THOUGHT AS HE FELL DOWN INTO THE MUCK-THAT FIN-LLY THE LUCK HAVE I! THAT FIN-LLY THE LUCK HAVE I! (Play continues on page 2-S-51) 112 2-S-44 . SO I INSURED THE CRIME BY KILLING DROOD MYSELF! DETECTIVES IN COMMAND MUST HAVE A CASE IN HAND. were it not for the minor fact that HE has murdered DROOD to achieve his lifelong ambition.

A LOVE DIVINE NOW -SOME FIND ME ODD.20. really? Really? Well. THUS DUST TO DUST. I must be off. has been dead some dozen years! Drood was no threat to you.STILL I CONFESS: I MURDERED DROOD! I SAW ANOTHER IN ROSA'S FACE: FAIR ROSA'S MOTHER STOOD IN HER PLACE! AND COULD I LET THIS EDWIN DROOD HAVE HER I'D LOVED AND WOOED? THIS LOVE OF MINE MUST NEVER WED! ONE SHOVE OF MINE AND DROOD WAS DEAD! BAPTISED WITH BASHES. Bless you all! (CRISPARKLE is seized as HE attempts to exit. marry Rosa's mother. HE is amiably chirpy) Well that's that. then! I couldn't let anyone. OF E. Rosa's mother. Music: dissonant tremolo and out) (Play continues on page 2-S-51) 113 2-S-45 . HE'D GO TO HELL! I'M FREE FROM BLASPHEMY BUT AS SOME SEE ME CRUDE: THROUGH C.. the woman you loved. could I. BUT LIVING AM I AND VANQUISHED IS DROOD! SATAN MUST DIE AND VANQUISHED IS DROOD! (Proud of a job well-done. eh John? JASPER (Still stunned by all that has transpired) You're a warped man. the joke's on me then. AND THEN I BORE HIM FROM THE GLOOM AND SANCTIFIED THE TOMB. Reverend Crisparkle. not even Drood.. HE CEASED TO SHIVER! HE CEASED TO QUIVER! I DID DELIVER HIM TO GOD! (Gestures towards ROSA) AND SHE IS MINE NOW. isn't it? Well. HIS NECK I TRUSSED! CAPSIZED TO ASHED. "MURDERER'S CONFESSION" (CRISPARKLE) CRISPARKLE COULD ROSA'S MOTHER LOVE ANOTHER? KNOW YOU WELL: IF MAN SHOULD LAND A HAND ON HER. CRISPARKLE Oh.

. IN MY DRUNKEN HEAD (Declaims) I THOUGHT DROOD WAS A GHOST! THEN. WHEN I HEARD HIM MOANING.20. (Sung in tempo) HE STARTED SCREAMIN' JUST LIKE A DEMON-IT WAS A DREADFUL CRY! DRUNKEN STIFF. (To the tune of the "OFF TO THE RACES" sung in a slow ad lib tempo) AFTER JASPER LAID HIS NEPHEW IN THE CRYPT. "MURDERER'S CONFESSION" (DURDLES) DURDLES WHAT REASON COULD I HAVE TO EVER WANT DROOD DEAD? WHY WOULD I WANT TO HARM A HAIR UPON HIS HEAD? (To audience) BUT I'M THE CANDIDATE YOU ROWDY LOT HAVE CHOSE-(To all) AND SO MY MOTIVES NOW I FEAR I MUST DISCLOSE.. THE MURDERER AM I. GROANING. MY MIND DID HEAR IT AS A DIFFERENT KIND OF SPIRIT. TO DROOD I DRANK A TOAST.! MUCH THANKS. GOOD-BYE! (Play continues on page 2-S-51) 114 2-S-46 .. SO I BASHED HIM.. HE FLED! WITH QUARTS OF PORT. SMASHED HIM.

SO I DID DRAG HIM OFF TO HELL! I'D KILL ANOTHER. rises snarling) Damn you all! (Music: dissonant tremolo and out) (Play continues on page 2-S-51) 115 2-S-47 ..Mr. BUT I DID SNAG HIM.... NO VIEW OF LIGHT AS I CREPT INTO THE NIGHT! UNSTEADY DROOD. HALF-DAZED WITH WINE. I CRY. Rosa! Forgive me for taking your lovely boy away from you. I need someone's forgiveness! (Collapses weeping.. THE SKY IT WEPT.. THAT CHRISTMAS MORN: I MEANT TO SILENCE THIS EDWIN'S SCORN. IT WOUND AND BOUND HIS CAPED COAT AND DRAPED AROUND HIS THROAT...20. THIS "EDDY" DROOD HAD RAISED MY SPINE! I TOOK MY VEIL OFF.SHAMELESSLY! And. Crisparkle. Neville. TO SAVE MY BROTHER-I DID IT WELL! AND GUILTY AM I AND BLAMLESS IS HE-GUILTY AM I.. "MURDER'S CONFESSION" (HELENA) HELENA THE WORDS SO RUDE OF DROOD HAD CAUSED ME GREAT ALARM: THAT DEVIL MIGHT CAUSE NEVILLE TO CAUSE HIM SOME HARM! SISTER AND MOTHER TO MY BROTHER I HAVE BEEN-AND SO TO SMOTHER DROOD. I TOSSED IT BLIND. I MEANT TO GAG HIM.Rosa. I only meant to save my brother. I HAD TO DO DROOD IN! I MEANT NO VIOLENCE. AND LOST MY MIND! MY VEIL DID SAIL OFF..

20 "MURDERER'S CONFESSION" (NEVILLE) NEVILLE I WAS THE LIKELIEST OF SUSPECTS YOU COULD FIND-SO QUALIFIED, YOU RULED ME OUT OF SIGHT AND MIND. OF COURSE I KILLED OUR "MASTER NED"! COULD I FOREGO THE CHANCE TO GAIN MY PRIDE AND ROSA WITH ONE BLOW? I CAME TO THIS PLACE WITH BUT ONE PLAN: THAT YOU VIEW THIS FACE AND ENGLISHMAN! BUT ALL YOU SAW WAS MY HOT BLOOD AND I...SAW ROSA BUD! EDWIN, TWAS SAID, WAS HER GRAND ROMANCE. WITH EDWIN DEAD, I'D STAND A CHANCE! THAT COLD DECEMBER, MY BLOOD WAS WARM. WE STROLLED TOGETHER AGAINST THE STORM. THE BEST OF CHUMS, WE LAUGHED AND TALKED, AS HOME TO REST, DROOD WALKED. MY MOOD WAS BLACK THEN! THUNDER DID CRACK THEN! HE TURNED HIS BACK, THEN I DID HIS NECK I KNOTTED, HIS THROAT HE TOOK THE PLUNGE AND ENGLISH I SENT HIM TO HIS GOOD ENGLISH

LUNGE! GARROTTED, HE STOOD AND ENGLISH HE FELL! HELL!

(Play continues on page 2-S-51)

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20. "MURDERER'S CONFESSION" (PUFFER) (As Puffer reveals, her only motive was to protect ROSA from the evil side of JOHN JASPER, (PUFFER'S best client), in the only way a woman of the streets and of crime would know. But she has our sympathy, perhaps even our laughter) PUFFER MAY GOD HAVE MERCY, YOUR FORGIVENESS DO I NEED. MY STRING OF SINS ENDS HERE WITH THIS MOST DREADFUL DEED. I ONLY MEANT TO SAVE MY ROSA BUD, IT’S TRUE YOU DEVIL JASPER! DAMN, I MEANT TO MURDER YOU! (She steps forward, pleading her case directly to us) COULD I SEE MY ROSEBUD THREATENED BY THIS MAN OF MASSIVE SIN? HE’D REVEALED HIS VILE INTENTIONS, SO I HAD TO DO HIM IN. TO MY ENDLESS RUINATION, I INDULGED IN ME OWN BREW; IN MY SWEET INTOXICATION, I SAW DROOD… (to JASPER) …AND THOUGHT HIM YOU! SO I SAY TO ALL WHO’LL HEAR ME, YOU MUST PLAN A MURDER WELL. YOU MUST VIEW YOUR VICTIM CLEARLY AS YOU SEND HIM OFF TO HELL. WHEN I KILLED, ‘TWAS WELL-INTENDED! DRINK AND SMOKE’S WHAT DID ME IN. FOR MY DEEDS, I’M APPREHENDED! THEM’S THE WAGES OF SIN! (Shouts) Everyone now! (Sings with COMPANY and AUDIENCE) THEM’S THE WAGES OF SIN – (Cajoles) Oh, bloody hell. Don’t you know they hang women these days? undoubtedly me last chorus…c’mon now, everyone! (Sings with COMPANY and AUDIENCE) THEM’S THE WAGES OF SIN! (Blowing kisses to one and all) Bless you, bless you, and ta-rah! (Play continues on page 2-S-51)

This is

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20. “MURDERER’S CONFESSION” (ROSA) (SHE laughs hysterically, the laugh of one who is at last able to share a wonderful secret. In her manner and voice, there is both Ophelia’s madness and an extreme sense of release) ROSA WERE YOU SO BLIND YOU COULD NOT SEE I KILLED HIM? YES! AND IT WAS WONDERFUL TO DO, I DO CONFESS. TO HAVE IT DONE, TO DO HIM IN, TO SEE IT THROUGH... (Whirling on JASPER) YOU SURELY KNOW BY NOW I MEANT TO MURDER YOU! THOUGHT YOU I WAS SO BLIND AS NOT TO KNOW YOUR MIND, OF WHAT INTENT EACH COMPLIMENT YOU CLAIMED YOU MEANT AS KIND? TO FEEL MYSELF UNROBED AND PROBED WITH EVERY MOVEMENT OF YOUR EYES? AH, BUT REALIZE: A CHILD CAN GO QUITE MAD AND NOT KNOW GOOD FROM BAD AND CALMLY PLAN TO KILL A MAN AND FEEL BUT ONLY GLAD! TO RID HERSELF – TO BID HERSELF A MURDEROUS GOOD-BYE! TO EDWIN WHO I SOUGHT, BUT YOU, I MEANT FOR YOU TO DIE! BUT THE NIGHT WAS FAR FROM BRIGHT, THICK WITH WET AND THUNDER. THATCHING FELL DISPATCHED FROM HELL! IS IT YET A WONDER. COULD NOT SEE THE ARMS OF ME STRECHED OUT WITH SCARF IN HAND. SAW YOUR COAT AND TIED NED’S THROAT JUST LIKE A DEADLY WEDDING BAND! SO LONG A TIME THEY’VE THOUGHT THAT I’M A DRESDEN DOLL, QUITE NAÏVE. BUT I BELIEVE THIS PAIN, MY BRAIN MORE TORTURED THAN THEY MIGHT CONCEIVE. WITH THESE LATE ADDITIONS, I HAVGE NOW REVEALED MURDEROUS ADMISSIONS HITHERTO CONCEALED.

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NO GOOD – NO GOOD CAN COME FROM BAD!! (SHE collapses center-stage. Music: dissonant tremolo and out) (Play continues on next page) 119 2-S-51 ... (SHE collapses. laughable coat of yours... you pathetic imitation of manhood! All this because.ROSA (continued) DAMN YOU ALL. as SHE weeps hopelessly:) I killed my good. I killed him when I meant to kill you. I SAY! YOU LET HIM DRIVE ME MAD! MADNESS LED TO THIS. sobbing quietly to herself.because he was wearing that ludicrous. Jasper! Jasper! Damn your existence and your fraudulent love! Damn Cloisterham that looked the other way when you looked at me In your way! (Sweetly) Damn you all. true Ned. NO GOOD CAN COME FROM BAD. whom I never stopped loving in the very best of senses. Jasper.

.. The naughty PRINCESS PUFFER.) 126 2-S-58 ..(IN ALL CASES. and the audience votes by volume of applause) Fine. THE PLAY NOW CONTINUES: The words “Bless you all” or “Damn you all” are the CHAIRMAN’S cue to speak up:) CHAIRMAN There is your murderer for tonight! (HE & COMPANY applaud chosen fiend as TOWNSMEN seize MURDERER and escort HIM or HER to side of stage) But surely we are entitled to a happy ending? We all have need in our lives for love. Mr.a love song.romance.. (He names them again.... the selected LOVERS speak their lines) SHE: My darling! Our attraction is unavoidable! HE: MY dearest! At last we can admit our feeling for one another! (ad lib suited to characters involved) (Skip pages 2-S-52 to 2-S-57. by applause) Right.or any facsimile thereof. So it remains for you to resolve one final question: Which two in our story will find that commodity we all seek? Who shall be our lovers tonight? Let us see..on the distaff side. well that’s your decision.. and we’re stuck with it. NO MATTER WHO THE SELECTED MURDERER IS.. a gentle reprise if you will? It seems we are about to have.. right. (As PURCELL begins his opening introduction.. CRISPARKLE THIS SPECIMEN CALLED DURDLES JOHN JASPER DEPUTY (The audience votes again.. Purcell. and we have a field of well-heeled bachelors available – (HE omits MURDERER) NEVILLE LANDLESS BAZZARD THE REVEREND MR. we are left with: (CHAIRMAN omits MURDERER) The lovely MISS ROSA BUD or. The tempestuous HELENA LANDLESS or. I fear. Which of these ladies would you like to see united in love with one of our remaining male leads? Pray indicate by your applause..

.. SAPSEA rises from the earth below. I WAS STUNNED. “THE WRITING ON THE WALL” DROOD (Triumphantly) I’m alive!! Hallo all! (Cheers from ALL. SHE LET’S NOT RESIST THIS ENDING.21. if only he could speak to us from beyond the grave! What could he tell us..what would he say? (There is an ominous rumbling beneath the ground.. HE SHE IT SEEMS I. THIS TOMB BEHIND ME IS WHERE I FACED MY CLOSEST SHAVE! WHEN I STRUCK MY HEAD AGAINST THE STREET.! AH – CHAIRMAN But what of Edwin Drood? Ah. the crypt of MRS. From its doorway emerges a cheery EDWIN DROOD!) 22. Spoken introduction) I AM LAZ’RUS RISEN FROM THE GRAVE! QUITE ALIVE YOU FIND ME. aided by a similar rumbling from the orchestra. PRETENDING TAKES NO SHILL. AND WHILE ALL ABOVE ME SHOWED THEIR GRIEF..VE LONGED TO HOLD YOU – FATE RULED IT SO! HE YOU LOVE ME. wonderfully. THIS STRANGENESS MAKES ME THRILL! SHE & HE & ALL ONCE WE WERE PERFECT STRANGERS. breaking through the floor of the stage as it pushes stone and dusty earth aside. YET NOW I LOVE YOU PERFECTLY. HOW STRANGELY MET ARE WE! I FIND I NOW ADORE YOU – OUR BEST IS YET TO BE. SO THEY’VE TOLD YOU. NOT STRICKEN (OUT PLOT DOTH THICKEN) FOR JASPER FLEW ME OFF MY FEET 127 TO THE CRYPT. SHE AH – AH – 2-S-59 . Suddenly. I AWOKE IN DARK BEYOND BELIEF. HE ONCE WE HAVE KISSED. “PERFECT STRANGERS” (Reprise) SHE ONCE WE WERE PERFECT STRANGERS..

YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE SUDDEN STRENGTH THAT YOU FEEL WITHIN YOU. WHEN FATE STANDS SMILING AT ARMS-LENGTH. I HAVE READ THE WRITING ON THE WALL. AND IT'S CLEARLY SPELLED OUT FOR THOSE WHO'VE HELD OUT THAT HOLDING ON TO LIFE IS ALL. MORE THAN WHAT SOLUTION FITS THIS CRIME. 128 2-S-60 . THE STEEL AND SINEW. 'TIL I COULD LEARN HERE JUST WHO ON EARTH WOULD WISH ME DEAD. THERE CAN BE NO VICT'RY IN DEFEAT. ONLY MOMENTS FROM DEATH. AND YOU FIGHT FOR EVERY TINY SPECK WHEN YOU'RE HELD BY THE NECK: I HAVE READ THE WRITING ON THE WALL. AND THE GREATEST MYST'RY IS NOT THE HIST'RY OF JASPER. BEAT A FAST RETREAT TO THE NEAREST SHELTER AND DIG IN! WHEN YOU LIVE. DROOD AND ONE AND ALL! I HAVE MET MY MAKER AND RETURNED! WHAT ADVICE I'M GIVING TO ALL THOSE LIVING IS JUST TO LEARN WHAT I HAVE LEARNED: LIFE IS DEAR. I ESCAPED! FROM CLOISTERHAM I FLED. KEEP DREAMING YOU'LL LIVE FOREVER HERE ON EARTH. WHAT I'VE LEARNED IS THAT LIFE IS BITS OF TIME. THEN YOU WIN! SCRATCH AND CLAW FOR EVERY DAY YOU'RE WORTH! MAKE THEM DRAG YOU SCREAMING FROM LIFE. IF OUR-NUMBERED.I WAS SCREAMING FOR MY VERY BREATH. I DID NOT RETURN HERE. BUT MORE THAN THAT.

CRASH IT. INCITING YOU TO READ THE WRITING ON THE WALL! 23. BOWS – “DON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD” (After individual bows. OO. EXIT MUSIC THE END. COMPANY steps forward and sings:) TA-RAH-TA-REE! BOOM! BANG IT.IS IT CLEAR? IF YOU HEAR MY VOICE. GLORY BE! BOOM! CLANG IT.YOU'LL NEED THE WHEREWITHAL! CAN'T YOU HEED THE LIGHTNING AS I PLEAD. WHEN YOU THINK OF EVERY RISK WE FACE IN OUR MAD HUMAN RACE! I HAVE READ THE WRITING ON THE WALL! TRY TO LIVE FOREVER AND GIVE UP NEVER THE FIGHT . THEN YOU'RE ALIVE. OO-PAU-DEE-DEE! DON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD SING OUT. “THERE’S MORE IN STORE FOR ME!” 24.CLASH IT. WHAT A BLOODY MARVEL WE SURVIVE. .

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