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I live in Phoenix, but I'm moving to Forks, Washington, to live with my father even though I hate the freaking place. Charlie: (Awkward silence) Bella: Charlie: So... Your hair was shorter last time I saw you Bella: That was five years ago, Dad. Charlie: Oh. They drive to Charlie's house, where an ancient ORANGE pick-up truck is waiting in the driveway, along with two Native American guys, Billy and his son Jacob. Charlie: I got you this truck, just bought it off Billy, here. Bella: OMG! I love it! Jacob: Here I'll help you figure out how to drive it, even though you'd think you'd know how to drive already. Bella: Do I know you? Jacob: Yeah, we knew each other when we were little kids. Bella: Damn, I couldn't recognize you. Your hair wasn't so terrible back then, was it? Jacob: What's wrong with my hair? I'm a freaking Native American; my hair's supposed to be like this. Bella: Wait, is that a wig? My God it is, no guy has hair that long, I thought you were a girl! Jacob: Will you shut up about my hair already? The next morning, Bella goes to her first day at Forks High School Guy: (sarcastically) Nice truck. Bella: Jerk. Eric: Hi! I'm Eric Yorkie! I'm overly enthusiastic! Jessica: 'Sup, I'm Jessica; you wanna sit with us at lunch? Bella: Uh, sure, I guess.
okay. Jasper: O. whatever. at lunch Bella: Wait. Banner. that's Jasper. The next period.O Bella: Wait. why's that weird music playing? Jessica: Duh. that little one's Alice. and the guy who looks like he's in pain. Bella: Why's he looking at me with that expression of outright disgust? And your name's Mr. Okay. She goes and sits down. there's only one empty seat. do I smell or something? (sniffs hair) Edward: GLARE Edward: * GLARE! * Edward: * GLARE! * Edward: * GLARE! * The bell rings and Edward grabs his stuff and runs away like an impolite jerk.Later. Edward: glare Bella: What. that huge one's Emmett. the Cullens are coming into the cafeteria! Bella: Why are they all walking so slowly? Jessica: (rolls eyes) Obviously so you can see them better. so who are they? Jessica: They're all of Dr. Bella. Bella: Does he always look so freaked out? Jessica: Yeah. Carlisle Cullen's adopted kids. and it just happens to be next to Edward. in biology Mr. that's Edward. and to make a dramatic entrance! Bella: Okay. he only has that one expression. . Something With an M: Hi. not whatever-it-is with an M. who's that other guy whose family left him behind? Jessica: Oh. so the blond one's Rosalie. But don't be trying to date him or anything! He hates everyone! Bella: Um.
The next day Bella: Hmm Edward's not here today. but I'm not. in other words exactly how he usually acts. in Bio Bella: Whoa! Edward's here! Edward: (extremely awkwardly) Hello? Bella: Uh. Edward: Yeah. I should totally be happy about that since he's such a creep.Tyler's van starts speeding wildly out of control despite the absence of snow. I should totally be happy about that since he's such a creep. did you get contacts? Edward: No! Bella: Your eyes were black last week. it's raining today Bella: Are you seriously talking about the weather? Edward: Uh. and Edward's glaring at her from his car like a freaky stalker. hi. And the next day And the next day And a couple more days Finally. heading directly for Bella! .The next day at school Bella: Hmm Edward's not here today. and now they're this creepy gold-ish color that makes you look possessed. yeah They continue to have an extremely forced-sounding. uh. but I'm not. awkward conversation. the florescentHe stops in the middle of the sentence and walks away without saying anything. When the bell rings they walk over to Bella's locker. As Bella's getting into her ORANGE truck to go home. Later that afternoon. Bella: Hey. uh. Edward: So.
Alice: . you like pushed the car away andEdward: It was an adrenaline rush.. completely against her will.. I better go. Cullen: Wow. Bella: You're really not doing anything... can I talk to you? Edward: Meh. sh*t! Edward: Nooooooooooo! (randomly appearing.. where Edward. A few minutes later. Carlisle: Yeah. Bella walks down the hallway. I'm totally just standing here pretending to be a competent doctor.Edward: *GLARE* Bella: Freak Tyler: HOLY CRAP! Bella: Oh. Fine.O Bella is forcibly taken to the hospital. Bella: How'd you save me. Jasper: O.. Rosalie: . then jumps over her car and runs away. pushing away Tyler's speeding truck and leaving a huge dent in it with some sort of superhuman strength) Bella: WTF? Edward randomly stares at Bella for a minute. he puts Bella in a headlock and thrusts his hand into the air. you can Google it. Charlie: OMG! Are you okay Bella? Bella: Yeah. I'm fiTyler: I'm so sorry! Charlie: Shut up! No one asked you! Dr. Carlisle and Rosalie are arguing. Emmett: . . Bella: Yo. Edward. totally common.
I wish I had some pepper spray. He's talking to me. Something with an M: This is compost tea. I'm gonna put it in a beer mug and give it to Tyler and expect him to not drink it..Bella: Wait. I dropped my apple.. Edward: *GLARE* Bella: You regret saving me. No. Mike: WILL YOU GO TO THE PROM WITH ME? Bella: Darn. butEdward: Well. come sit with us. Bella: Jerk.. as Bella's getting food from a random salad bar that happens to be in the cafeteria. maybe I should listen. who's gonna want to eat that apple now? Anyway. Bella: Shoot. I'll just kick it in the air and give it back to you. Bella: I'm in the plant room with Edward. 'cause you totally want this bruised. Jessica: I'm barging in! Mike asked me to the prom! Edward: *GLARE* Mr. Edward: Here. Mike: Fine. Edward: I'm talking to you. Edward: (jerkishly) This bus is full! Later at lunch. you wanna go to the beach with me and Mike and Angela? Edward: Uh. yeah. Mike: PLEASE? Bella: Ask Jessica.. Mike. what beach? . dirty apple that was on my shoe. Bella: Hi. Edward: *GLARE* Alice: Bella. no one's gonna believe you! (Walks away) On some random Bio field trip.
Jacob: Sup...spider or . uh. Sam: The Cullens don't come here. (pause) By the way. Maybe .. you're not. Angela: No way! Bella: You're a strong. At the beach. I love Edward Cullen. uh. too...you've been bitten . If you're smart.. I think you have superpowers. Bella: Why not? Edward: It's.. . Edward: I totally am.. Bella: No.by a radioactive .Bella: First Beach at La Push.. Hey look. (evil leer) Bella: Jacob. Bella? Bella: Hi. Angela: . I am..used Kryptonite. Angela: I want to go to the prom with Eric! Bella: Ask him. Jacob: Sure! Bella: So... have you noticed anything different about me? Bella: Yeah. Bella: I'm at this beach with my peeps. Native American girls! Bella: They're boys. come walk with me while I interrogate you... Edward: No. Bella: Are you calling me an idiot? Edward: Yes. crowded. you'd stay away from me. Edward: I'm evil. independent woman andAngela: I hate that lameness. what's your story? Sam said the Cullens don't come here.
I'm gonna totally go to Port Angeles with Angela and Jessica on the pretense of helping them find prom dresses. I'm gonna leave you here and go buy my book. She goes to the bookstore. Edward: I'M ANGRY. Bella: Put your seatbelt on! Edward: YOU put YOUR seatbelt on! HAHAHAHAHA! (disturbing laughter) Bella: (at some restaurant) So. Jacob: I'm going to flirt with you later. are you following me around now? How much more of a stalker can you get? . with creepy thugs on the other side. good thing I found a copy of this book on old Quileute legends in some bookstore near here. I really don't care. whatever. Get into my car while I get out to glare unmenacingly at the bad guys. and then we made a treaty. and they are from the evil cold white peoples. and decides to walk back through a dark alley. buys the book. Bella: Uh. at night. They fought. yeah. Thugs: We're totally gonna assault you. look. Later.Jacob: You heard that? Bella: Uh. I wish someone would come save me. Edward: Look at my reckless driving as I come to your rescue. pretty dresses! Bella: Wow. Googling at home Bella: Whoa. Bella: Okay. At Port Angeles Angela and Jessica: Oh. Bella: Deal. yeah. but really just to buy this book that I'm not even gonna read and just end up Googling everything. he was talking to me! Jacob: Fine. Bella: I'm going to go home and search this on Google. whether you like it or not. So our people are descended from wolves. so we can have a conversation vital to the plot of this movie. Edward: And I'm taking you to a restaurant.
. Bella: O.Edward: (really creepily) I feel very protective of you. . Bella: I'm gonna walk past you and you'll somehow know that means we should both go ditch class and wander into the woods. we can go now. She goes home and reads the book.By the way.. Edward: Fine. I think I noticed. Bella: How old are you? Edward: Seventeen. we're here. Oh. and I like to sneak into your room at night to watch you sleep. not this creepy forest? Bella: Shut up.. And strong. Except yours. and by the way: * GLARE! * Bella: Hey that's my dad. that's MY dad. Bella: You're incredibly fast. that's all we really needed to say. Edward: Okay. A DEAD CORPSE! Charlie: Here's some pepper spray. Edward: Okay. And ice cold. Edward: Do you really need to keep pausing so much? Bella: I'm gonna keep listing things about you that you already know. yeah. like. Bella: (way melodramatic) Your skin is pale white. so. deep whisper) A while. Bella: HOLY CRAP. M. Bella: Now I totally wanna read that book when I get home. Wait. The next morning at school. Edward: Hey. I totally read minds. Bella: So. Edward: Oh. G.. isn't this scene supposed to be in a pretty meadow. Edward: Uh. Okay. how long've you been seventeen? Edward: (extremely angrily and dramatically in a low.
.? Bella is grabbed and Edward flies through the trees with her. whatever. oh what fun. He finds a conveniently located patch of light.. can I help you? . these puny branches will totally hold us. Edward: I want to kill you...Bella: I know what you are. But ew.. Bella: Sure. it's in my backpack that I randomly threw on the ground and left in the woods somewhere. Edward: HAHAHAHA! I'M EVIL! Bella: Um. I'm sitting here alone at a dock. some random place across town. Bella: Sure... Edward: Come climb this tree with me! Even though we weigh over three hundred pounds together. like.. what's that gross sound? Is you're skin. Meanwhile... Bella: Okay. Edward: I have to show you my sizzling skin. He steps under it and his skin hisses and looks staticky.. Victoria: STARE Guy: Uh. Edward: Say it! OUT LOUD! Bella: Dun Dun DUN! A VAMPIRE! Edward: *** GLARE! *** Edward: (Awkward pause) Are you afraid? Bella: (pauses for fifteen seconds) No.. Bella: Shiny. sizzling? Edward: I'm an insane monster! I will go around freaking you out! Bella: . Edward: Let's go to this dead meadow thing and lie down. Guy: La di da.? Oh yeah. Bella: Where'd I put that pepper spray.
Edward: Great. Bella! We're using out kitchen for the first time ever! Bella: I already ate. they pass Billy driving in the opposite direction. not really. Bella: Freak. I'm cooking! Rosalie: Is Bella even Italian? Emmett: She's named Bella. of course she's Italian. . where's you shirt? Topless freak. I totally just jumped into your little boat... Guy: Dude..O Audience: What the heck just happened? (Billy's in a wheelchair... Rosalie: I'm gonna break this salad bowl I'm holding and be very angry.o Billy: REALLY weird glare! O. Emmett: Look at me. half of which hate you? Bella: Uh. Edward: So. James: You know. Guy: Wow.?) Bella: (at the house) Isn't your house supposed to have an exclusively white decor that looks really classic but is actually quite contemporary? Edward: Shut up. Guy: * dead * The next day at Bella's house Bella: Hey! Get off my freaking car! Edward: But I'm totally awesome. Esme: Hi. you wanna come to my house and meet my creepy family. thankJames: Die.. Driving. no..James: Look at my awesome vampire powers. Edward: Weird Glare o. I really like your leather jacket. let's go. how is he driving..
Bella: Weirdoes. There's gonna be a huge thunderstorm tonight. Alice: I'm gonna pitch the whole game and not give anyone else a turn. And are you wearing eyeliner? Charlie: Yes. Bella: Wow. So you're gonna play baseball with Edward? Bella: Yep. you wanna come play baseball with my family? Bella: Uh. Bella: Dude.O Edward: Uh. Edward: Hey. Let me go tell Charlie. we're gonna go play baseball. how come you all have retarded baseball uniforms on? Edward: We're cool like that. there's a lot. Bella: Wow. Edward: I'm gonna jump out the window now. Bella? Bella: Yeah? Charlie: Bring that pepper spray I gave you.let's go see my room.. Bella: GASP! Edward: Check out my music. your dad's wearing a woman's scarf. Carlisle: Shut up. Charlie. Alice: I'm gonna sniff Bella's hair! Jasper: O... fine..Esme: I'm gonna be all sarcastic to Bella. That evening at a baseball field in the woods. Charlie: Wait. . Edward: My room has no black couch. I guess. bye. Wanna join me? Bella: Whatever. Bella: (At her house) See you later.
.ball. Edward: GRRR! James: Wow. no. what? I mean. Grrr. Bella: Out! Rosalie: MURDEROUS GLARE! James. Victoria. They regroup back in the Cullen's garage.. She somehow manages to be as hurtful to Charlie as possible while blaming Edward for the whole thing. The Rest: Grr. Laurent: Can we play? Bella: Thank GOD you're not wearing that horrid ruffle thing! But. Alice: Grr. now I'm gonna totally kill you're girlfriend. Bella makes him go back to her house to get some clothes and tell Charlie she's leaving. Victoria: Grr.wait. Jasper: O. . and Rosalie hits the ball Edward: Hmm.. Victoria and Laurent stride dramatically out of the fog. I better go get it. Laurent: Um. grrr...She pitches. we're done! The wind blows inconveniently towards James...O Carlisle: Can you guys leave for a little bit so we can come up with a plan to escape you? Laurent: Yeah. what's with your dirty white furry thing? Victoria: GLARE Laurent: Never mind that! Can we play baseball with you guys or not? Carlisle: Uh. sure. James: (sniffing the air creepily) You brought a snack. we're done. Alice: But I pitched the whole time! We only played half an inning! Carlisle: If I say we're done. Edward takes Bella and goes speeding off in his car.. shouldn't I be catching that? Oh yeah.
O. . Isn't it supposed to be on a tripod or something? James It's supposedly more menacing this way. A bit later while they're all randomly standing in an airport. They do. or I'll kill your mom. now what? Emmett: Duh. and I'm gonna film it all on this little camcorder I'm holding. James: Hi. I took ballet there like ten years ago. Alice: I see a ballet studio with my psychic powers. I've been tricked. which Alice and Jasper. Alice and Jasper. don't notice. Everyone stops dead.Carlisle: Okay. it's a videotape in this VCR. Bella: Okay. Jasper: I've had some experience killing other vampires. we'll all go and kill 'em.O Carlisle: I feel bad about killing living creatures. It's hard to do. (shoves the camera in her face) Bella: That's really retarded. Everyone: You can talk? Jasper: O. you go bring Bella to some hotel in Arizona where they totally won't find her.O Bella's Phone: ringringring Bella: 'Sup? Bella's mom: Bella? Bella? Bella: Ma? James: Come to that ballet studio. but not impossible. Edward: You know what? Deal with it. Bella sneaks away to the ballet studio. despite their superhuman senses. Bella's mom: Bella? Bella? Bella: Mom? Oh. Bella: Yeah. we gotta kill 'em. I'm gonna kill you just to mess with Edward. Alice and Jasper: Shocked stares.
Edward: O. It's Edward.M. Jasper. breaking it. Edward. Bella: Ha! I have pepper spray! (sprays him) James: Okay. Alice. It's the only way. Carlisle: You know what? Deal with it. but not before James bit Bella's wrist. Carlisle: Find your will.O Jasper: Hey.Bella: It's not. TELL HIM! Edward: Noooooooooooo! Bella: O. Carlisle: Suck the venom. that did nothing. Edward: You know what? You're a really unhelpful doctor. man! . Bella: Ow! James: Tell him to avenge you. James: Die! Edward: No. Alice breaks James' neck. I have to drop Bella through a mirror.G. Bella: Eww! My wrist is all bubbly and brown! It hurts! Edward: I dunno what to do now. James: I know. I'll just sit here and play with Alice's belt. and Emmett dance around James' burning carcass in the background. Bella: Holy crap! Ow! I was fairly okay until you chucked my through that mirror! You hurt me worse than James did! The Cullens randomly leap from the ceiling. James: Come on! Edward: No. you stole my look. He steps on her leg.
Bella's mom: Okay. he's leaning in a different direction. Duh. Bella: Yeah. and Edward's over there pretending to be asleep. Edward: But I almost did. and I'm totally ignoring Laurent. something I'm totally oblivious to. Bella: Yeah. Edward: But I almost did. Bella: Get over yourself. Bella: What happened? Where's Edward? Bella's mom: You fell down two flights of stairs through a window! (Creepy. including snow that never happened and a deer she never saw.. but every time the scene changes. She's not dead. Bella: Yeah. waiting for her Charlie: (Drinks beer) Edward: (stares at glass of water) Charlie and Edward: awkwardness Charlie: . Bella: Go get Charlie. Edward: I almost killed you. Bella: Hmm. but Victoria escaped. Edward: James is dead.. but you DIDN'T. gleeful smile) Oh. but you didn't. Bella is getting ready to go to the prom while Edward is sitting awkwardly with Charlie. whatever. I'm in a hospital. you're wearing a lot of makeup for someone who was unconscious for a week. Why am I wearing so much makeup? Bella's mom: Oh honey! I was so worried about you! Wow.Bella: * dead * Bella tried to convince you that she's dead while having some kinda weird flashback of random scenes. Charlie: (Never shows up) Some unspecified amount of time later. .
. Edward: (looks somewhere else) Bella: I'm ready. Bella: Wait! Jacob: What? . Bella: He's such an old creep.. Edward: (Moves glass of water slightly) Charlie: . thank God! They go to the prom. Bella: Okay. wander around. Edward: (looks at Charlie) Charlie: . Edward: Oh. Bella: Hi Jacob! What are you doing here? Jacob: My dad bribed me to come and tell you something.Edward: (Picks up water) Charlie: . more foreshadowing.. Jacob: Bye. Jacob: Yeah... Edward: (puts water down) Charlie: . Edward: (murderous glare at Jacob) I leave you alone for a minute and the wolves descend. Bella: Whoa. Edward: (moves water back the other way) Charlie: .... 'We'll be watching you'... What? Jacob: Quote.. to freak you out and provide foreshadowing..
.. Victoria: (Looking out a window at them with an evil smile) I am so totally crashing this prom. Edward: Okay. we all decided to leave at exactly the same time... Bella: I hate you. Bella: You should totally bite my right now.Bella: Next time you see me.. Jacob: *GLARE* . Mike: (weird gun-hands) Jessica: (Thumbs up) Bella: (moving hands around chest area. Edward: No..make obscene hand gestures to people. indicating that Jessica's top is too low) Jessica: (Thumbs up) Edward: Um. Other dancers: Wow. THE END . Edward: No.. Bella: Yes.and find some gazebo-y outdoor dance floor with a weirdly romantic atmosphere..let's go somewhere else. Bella: Awesome! Edward: I lied. wear a hat. Bella: You should have let me turn into a vampire....
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