Photographers Hired To Accommodate

Disabled Admitted Students
NOW HI RI NG
If interested, email your name to
kenyon.collegiate@gmail.com
by Thursday at 5 p.m.
By Dan Schlumphrey
RANSOM-For the frst time in
Kenyon’s history, two wheelchair-
bound students have been admitted
into the incoming freshman class.
According to Dean of Admissions
Jennifer Delahunty, accessibility is
the issue at hand—but some nec-
essary steps may prove to be dif-
fcult.
“With the size of our endow-
ment,” she said, “there are things
we can and can’t do. Things like
installing a wheelchair ramp in As-
cension or Samuel Mather Hall?
Probably out of the question. An
elevator? No way.
“But despite all that,” she con-
tinued, “we want our new wheel-
chaired students to feel that they
belong at Kenyon—which is why
we’ve hired professional photog-
raphers to follow them around and
snap pictures for the Orientation
booklet and the Alumni Bulletin.”
Student Body President Hannah
Boglovski ’09 echoed Delahunty’s
concerns. “A lot of people say that
tradition is what makes Kenyon a
special place,” she said, “but tradi-
tion is what kept blacks, women,
and fnally cell phones from fnd-
ing homes here. The admittance
of fully disabled students is a
milestone for Kenyon, which is
why we need to make sure that it’s
properly documented.”
In response to queries about the
safety of Middle Path during win-
ter months, Boglovski admitted
that little progress will be made
to transform the slush- and ice-
covered morass into something re-
motely navigable in a wheelchair.
“I agree that everyone, regard-
less of race, class, gender, or
physical ability, deserves the same
Kenyon experience,” Boglovski
said. “Fortunately, the steps we’re
taking for the Class of 2013 will
guarantee that every student has
the opportunity to infate the image
of Kenyon’s minority representa-
tion for fundraising brochures.”
INSIDE THIS ISSUE
Confused Econ Majors Mistake Tarp
Party for T.A.R.P. Party
Horse Girls Lure Campus To Open Barn,
Giddy Hair Braiding, Pony Sketching
Weekend Rave Dazzles Campus, Student
Rain: Frats At Fault
Rugby Players Return To Campus, Leaving Only Death In Their Wake
By Saul Oldman
GATES OF HELL—Kenyon
College can breathe easy once
again—the nightmare is over.
The rugby alums have left.
They descended on Gambier
like the locusts of the Apocalypse,
seemingly sent by the Archfend
himself to bring about destruction
of the 184-year-old academic in-
stitution. Everywhere they went,
terror followed. Crops withered,
livestock died, the young became
ill and the old insane. Truly it
seemed as though the End of Days
had fnally come.
No one on campus is quite sure
what brought about the sudden ar-
rival of the rugby alums; their gi-
ant ogre-like forms were thought
to have been banished and cast
out years ago. Some whisper of
a judgment from on high for the
sins of Shock Your Mom and the
S****ing and F***ing posters,
while others speak openly of a sin-
ister cult of rugby players having
summoned the hordes back to Ke-
nyon for some unknown reason.
Whatever the cause of their re-
turn, it was a time of chaos and
destruction.
The frst rugby alums arrived on
campus around noon on Good Fri-
day, a blasphemous affront to the
Crucifxion of our Lord. They im-
mediately tore through downtown
Gambier, burning and pillaging
everything in their path. The Vil-
lage Market, Gambier Deli, and
Middle Ground all reported sack-
ings that afternoon and evening,
and the Village Inn and Cove were
completely sapped of ales and
mead by 8:00.
The Offce of Security and Safe-
ty reported dozens of beheadings,
impalements, defenestrations, and
at least one instance of a method
of execution known only as the
“blood eagle” at the hands of the
rugby alumni over the weekend.
The giant, hairy beast-men were
also accused of clogging numer-
ous drains and toilets during their
reign of terror, but this has yet to
be verifed by Collegiate reporters
or Maintenance.
Two days of unabated slaughter
were brought to a close on Easter
Sunday when College chaplain
Karl Stevens ’95 met with the
self-appointed Khan of the rugby
alums Gorbeck Son of Bomar ’06,
a.k.a. “the Scourge of God,” on
Middle Path near the Church of
the Holy Spirit. None are certain
as to what the holy man and the
barbarian discussed, but whether
it was a plea for the sparing of
Kenyon College or a persuasive
denouncement of the Arian heresy
the results are the same: the rugby
alums left and shall never return. Two rugby alums going for a “try.”
Jackass Looking Forward
To Take Back The Night
By Mildred Gout
ACLAND APARTMENTS—As
Kenyon prepares for this weekend’s
Take Back the Night events, many
students anticipate an emotional
gathering as the college faces up to
issues of sexual assault and violence
against women. For campus jackass
Buck Lillepson ’09, however, Take
Back the Night has a very special
meaning.
“Take Back the Night is the Wim-
bledon of edgy humor,” Lillepson
said. “I was a little worried going
into it this year—I thought I’d be
totally spent after all the Elian Gon-
zalez jokes I made during Social
Justice Week. But Take Back the
Night is just begging to be made
fun of.”
In his fnal year of overestimat-
ing his gift for comedy at Kenyon,
Lillepson plans on going for the
gold. “The week’s been pretty in-
tense so far. I made a Central Park
Jogger joke in front of the people
handing out ribbons in Peirce.
(Continued on Page 2)
1
Below: Lillepson gets ready.
Then I loudly threatened to streak through
the “Speak Out” session when we were eat-
ing dinner. I’ve also got a couple photographs
of penises to staple to the trees along Middle
Path. I might send a couple Allstus, but I’m
still on the fence about that. The grand fnale`s
defnitely going to be the party, though.¨
During the campus-wide Take Back the
Night carnival on Saturday, his Acland apart-
ment will host an alcoholic party in violation
of TBTN etiquette.
“The theme is ‘I Don’t See Your Name on
That Night.’ I’m gonna project hardcore porn
on the wall, play Chris Brown, and everyone’s
gonna drink 40s.
“I made a Facebook event for it.”
After a week of impressively juvenile hu-
mor, Sunday afternoon will serve as a much-
deserved day of rest. Lillepson plans on
watching four hours of Battlestar Galactica,
cleaning his room, and calling his mommy.
(From TBTN: Page 1)
Jesus Dies, Lives, Returns To Campus
By Stillwater Stevens
BETA ROCK—In a stunning development
prophesied by ancient Hebrew soothsayers, the
Dead Sea Scrolls, and a recent Mel Gibson-
directed blockbuster, Jesus of Nazareth, son
of our most holy Lord, returned to campus this
Easter Sunday last in his sea-green Sebring
convertible.
“I thought it’d be kinda anticlimactic if I re-
turned to the non-ethereal plane at the caves,
where they’ve got an actual boulder that could
be rolled away,” Jesus said in an exclusive
Collegiate interview following a surprisingly
sparsely attended forum called “Take That,
Pharisees: Jesus Actually Came Back!”
“So I decided to let those Koinonia folks roll
away the Beta Rock,” He said, “and act sur-
prised when I drove up.”
“He who died for our sins was most gracious
in his return,” remarked Koinonia co-chair
Casey Bramson ’11. “The plans, foretold in the
Scriptures, were clear to all true believers. Plus,
he’s been Skyping with us for like a week.”
“IN YOUR FACE, POSTMILLENNIAL
DISPENSATIONALISTS! I told you he’d
come back before the Rapture!” added an ec-
static Bramson, jabbing his fnger toward a
nearby group of skulking eschatologists.
Festivities were in great supply following the
return of the one true God. Koinonia’s Mather
triple played host to several hours of water- and
soda-pong tournaments which, predictably,
were dominated by our Lord and savior.
“My name, was everybody awkward! I tried
to turn the water into wine so people would
loosen up, but they wouldn’t have it,” Jesus
said later. “Maybe they weren’t wine people. I
could have done Pabst. The Apostles were such
wine snobs. Makes Me miss My carpenters—
those dudes loved PBR.”
Unfortunately for his adoring followers, Je-
sus couldn’t help but grow weary of the end-
less stream of questions from the faithful:
“You ever seen that Chris Farley Show sketch
on SNL where he asks questions like, ‘You re-
member when you were in the Beatles?’ to Paul
McCartney? It was kinda like that.”
The Christ ended up spending the evening at
the Duplex with the D-Phis who, Jesus noted
with a grin, “were the unholiest bunch of Hell-
bound sinners I’ve ever laid eyes on! Satan
could tempt, but daaaaaaamn, he ain’t got
nothin’ on Delta Phi.”
On the Monday following Jesus’ return, the
Son of God and his loving disciples promptly
disappeared from campus. “And no,” He clari-
fed Sunday evening, 'that doesn`t include you
guys who only go to Church on Christmas and
Easter. You think we can’t see through that?”
2013 Deferred
By Cornelius Coot
The Offce of Admissions proudly an-
nounced this week that all applicants for the
class of 2013 have been deferred. The drastic
measures were taken after Kenyon concluded
that the long-term benefts outweigh the ab-
sence of a single class.
B. Meryl Yu, Director of Admissions, argued
the approach would boost Kenyon’s reputation
for decades. “Sure we don’t have any incoming
freshmen,” she said, “but just imagine the cred-
ibility we’ll gain from having a 0% acceptance
rate. We’ll be the most exclusive educational
institution in the world. Ever. Plus, doesn’t ev-
eryone hate the freshman anyway?”
This year’s applicants were the most quali-
fed, prestigious, and Kenyon-worthy, but the
college just said no. The applicants averaged a
4.2 weighted GPA and were heavily involved
in extracurricular activities. A record number
of minorities were interested in Kenyon fol-
lowing the successful campaign to diversify
the campus. Five applicants even refused to list
their ethnicity for their applications. Hopefully
Kenyon is in for a treat!
Money allocated for scholarships will be re-
invested in the mysterious Sustorium.
“Technically they haven’t been rejected yet,
but that letter is already in the mail,” Yu elabo-
rated. “We wanted to give them false hopes so
they’ll apply next year when we’re actually ac-
cepting people again.”
Chester Chompolompolus, an applicant from
Greece, visited campus earlier this week and
found Kenyon to be the college of his dreams.
A distinguished Greco-Roman scholar and ac-
complished Cuban jazz pianist, Chompolom-
polus eagerly informed the Collegiate that he
already told his mother back home to throw
out his acceptance letters from other schools.
“Why settle for mediocrity when I know this
campus will share my values?” he said.
His rejection letter will take over two weeks
to arrive.
Chompolompolus, before his dreams were deferred.
2
Rear Admiral . . . . . . . . . . . . Skeeter Demiglace
Brigadier General . . . . . . . . . . . . Cornelius Coot
First Tiger . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Dan Schlumphrey
Lance Corporal . . . . . . . . . . . Montana Criminitely
Fifer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Stillwater Stevens
Staff Sergeant . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Mildred Gout
Senior Aircraft Woman . . . . . . . . Phylenia Odious
Tsar of all the Russias . . . . . . . . . . . Saul Oldman
Hipparch . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tigger French
Seaman . . . . . . . . . . . . . Sheridan Whiteside
Standard Bearer . . . . . . . . . . . . Diesel Jackson
COLLEGIATE STAFF
Missing in Action . . . . . . . . Luther Honeybucket
Consultants . . . . . . . Bumpy Doofus, Brandon Yott
Interns . . . . . . . . . . . Roche Brasiliano, Simon de
Danser, Richard Hawkins, Samuel “Black Sam”
Bellamy, Hayreddin Barbarossa, Christopher New-
port, Calico Jack Rackham, Moric Benovsky, Bar-
tholomew “Black Bart” Roberts, Zheng Zhilong,
Robert Surcouf, Grace O’Malley, Edward “Black-
beard” Teach, Paul Watson, Asad “Booyah” Abdulahi
Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . . . . . Louis Francis
Albert Victor Nicholas Collegiate, 1st Earl Col-
legiate of Ohio, KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
With reporting by Diesel Jackson
Vernon Schubel is at Middle Ground
blogging. He hates how they play hip-
hop during the afternoons. What hap-
pened to the good old days? Ugh!
John Hofferberth can’t stop Twitter-
ing . . .
Kristin Hofferberth can’t stop Twit-
tering . . .
Yang Xiao is at the Cove—$.75
PBRs!
Vernon Schubel @Yang I’ll be there
in a sec.
P. F. Kluge is in his garden at home,
listening to otis redding. coffee,
morning cigar and the nyt crossword
in ink. come by if you want tomatoes/
cilantro . . .
Ben Schumacher needs a milkshake.
David Liebowitz @Kristin I think
it’s called Tweeting.
Bruce Hardy is going shopping for
more kilts—totally underrated—and
then to a sustainable agriculture lec-
ture in Mansfeld.
Fred Baumann is listening to “hip-
hop¨ in his offce hours.
Sam Pack whoa @Bruce! Calm
down, dog! No one’s hatin’, homie.
Playa to playa, pimp to pimp!
John Hofferberth is going to dinner
with Kristin.
Kristin Hofferberth is going to din-
ner with John.
H. Abbie Erler is reading Presiden-
tial Studies Quarterly and loving it!
LOL!!
Will Scott http://tinyurl.com/esnx
Tammy Gocial brb. jk! tty never.
Faculty, Administration Discover Twitter
“Hot For Teacher”: Young Professors Look For Love
By Sheridan Whiteside
GAMBIER—Something was
going on at the small Woodside
bungalow, but from the usual
signs it was hard to tell exactly
what. Shadows mingled dream-
ily on the curtains and a couple of
environmentally-conscious com-
pacts were parked in the driveway.
On the outside, the gathering ap-
peared to be a cocktail party held
by fraternities wooing pledges, or
perhaps a faithful recreation of
a New York studio get-together.
But closer inspection revealed the
well-dressed guests of this classy
affair to be featuring crow’s feet
and holding Ph.D.s along with
their martinis.
Students weren’t the only ones
on the prowl this Saturday night.
Professor of Philosophy Jan
McCauscale could be found re-
clining in the corner, clutching a
gin-and-tonic and sporting a pais-
ley shirt with the frst few buttons
undone to emphasize his abundant
chest hair. When asked to com-
ment on the party, he instead in-
sisted on giving the Collegiate a
demonstration.
“Just watch an artist at work,”
he said, shooting a sideways grin
and a nod at professor of art his-
tory Katrina Poll. “You’re about to
see why they call me Kinkygaard.”
He winked slyly at the fattered
professor and beckoned her over
with one fnger.
McCauscale cleared his throat
as the professor strode up, and
launched into what seemed to be a
series of extremely well rehearsed
pickup lines.
“Hey baby, you know what? I’m
a Kantian, and you’re my categori-
cal imperative. I would just love
to witness the true realm of your
form.”
Professor Poll began to look
nervously at the door as he con-
tinued. “How about you let me ex-
plore the allegory of your cave?”
he said. “My life wasn’t worth
living till I examined you. I think
therefore how can I resist those
eyes? God is dead, but why should
that stop us?”
Poll began to walk away. Mc-
Causcale called out after her, “You
are totally the future of my illu-
sion!”
Kenyon, long considered by hip
professionals to be the equivalent
of spending an eternity in purga-
tory, has in recent years seen an
astonishing surge of trendy, young
academic professionals who are
just looking for a good time—
without strings.
'Cornfelds are the new SoHo,
and we’re just trying to sow our
seed,” ventured Professor Leight
of the English department. “You
aren’t single, are you?” she added,
giving our reporter the once-over
before clucking her tongue. “Par-
adise Lost? I think I just found it.”
Betas Cherish Lovable New Pet Rock
By Montana Criminitely
LEONARD—Following last
week’s revelatory Collegian ar-
ticle, the Beta Theta Pi fraternity
has boldly decided to christen a
new rock as their defning symbol.
The rock was discovered by
freshman pledge Roger Bild while
having his head held under the Ko-
kosing during Hell Week.
“I noticed it just lying there
with all the others: a beautiful dia-
mond in the rough,” reported Bild.
“When they pulled me up I dove
right back down there and picked
it up.”
Beta President Ted Opps ’10
was especially impressed with the
stone’s texture.
“The last one was so big and
rough, but not this guy. I could rub
it all day, lightly, between fnger
and thumb.”
Other members have been won
over by the rock’s size, warmth,
and heart-like shape.
“If you hold it up to the light,”
said Bild, “I swear you can spot
something glittering deep inside.
It’s probably just a bit of fool’s
gold, but I like to think the stone’s
winking at me.”
The transition has not been en-
tirely smooth, however. Over the
weekend a heated fght broke out
over what to name the new stone.
“I wanted to call him ‘Manny,’ ”
choked out a teary Bryan Feit ’09,
“but Trent [Hilleman ’09] said it
was a stupid name for a rock.”
“I just think ‘Chris’ sounds bet-
ter,” Hilleman responded.
Whatever its name, the new
rock is here to stay and will be of-
fcially welcomed by the fraternity
this Friday. Betas are soliciting art-
ists to paint a miniaturized version
of Rainer Maria Rilke’s “Time and
Again” on the stone.
“ ‘Time and again we go out
two together, / under the old
trees, lie down again and again /
between the fowers, face to face
with the sky,’ ” quoted Opps. “It
feels right.”
This little fellow gets a lot of TLC.
Wakey, wakey, Kenyon scholars!
Potential underclassmen hookups are
sweeping through the Gates of Hell.
Hopefully our Oberlin-esque weather
and academic luster don’t dissuade
these perky young things.
This eagle-eyed spy has spotted a
certain yellow Porsche back in our
midst. Will the exotic auto raise an-
other stink or will its owner learn to
drive quietly?
The campus forgets how small our
little nook is and resorts to “missed
connections” Allstus. It leaves me
wondering where my bushy-bot-
tomed lover from last spring went.
She was a majestic Chickaree named
Ginger. Share my burrow once more,
my frm little chestnut.
You know you love me.
XOXO,
Gossip Squirrel
3
Bookstore Adds Porn to Engorge Slumping Sales
By Montana Criminitely
KENYON COLLEGE BOOKSTORE—
After a disappointing frst semester and
sluggish second, Craig Cessling, manager
of our beloved bookstore, has had enough.
“Recession shmeshmession!” said
Cessling, waving his hand dismissively. “I
got the answer to your economic woes right
here!”
Cessling then proudly waved the May is-
sue of Hustler over his head.
“We’re starting out small, sticking to the
basics: Playboy, Hustler, and a Maxim or
two for the freshmen,” Cessling said, mo-
tioning towards a large pile of magazines in
plastic wrap. “If this goes well, which I’m
sure it will, the sky’s the limit!”
“Männer Aktuell, Midget Mayhem, Hairy
Backed Bears Born for Bubble Butts—hell,
we might throw in Straight to Hell: The
Manhattan Review of Unnatural Acts just to
be safe.”
“We’re also going to be making the dis-
play Macs available to students for Craig-
slist searches.”
Bookstore employees were hesitant at
frst, but, having seen Cessling`s business
plan, are now on board.
“When he explained that these were hot,
young, steamy boys and girls being show-
cased I was relieved,” said an employee
who agreed to speak on condition of ano-
nymity. “I was afraid we might be peddling
hot young sluts that were hesitant to take it
anywhere, anytime.”
Though the student response has been
largely positive, not all are prepared for the
onslaught of naughty teachers, nurses, stew-
ardesses, fast-food employees, and cats that
will be pounding bookstore shelves starting
in the last weeks.
Local authority Kwyjibo cautioned that
Cessling may be getting in over his head.
“Is this really what we want, Kenyon?
A return to print? Sticky pages and stained
boxes hidden under our beds? This is a step
backward!”
When these concerns were brought to
Cessling he merely smiled.
“I know we’ve made some blunders in
the past, but this time I think we hit the nail
on the head. You tell me the kids just want
ice cream? I say they’ll sing a different tune
when they get their hands on an icy mike.”
That Perspective:
By Dan Schlumphrey
M C B R I D E —
Freshman Travis Fin-
ster made waves in
Kenyon’s facial hair
community this week
when he became the
frst in his class to at-
tempt to grow a beard.
“I feel pretty man-
ly,” said the mop-
topped, straggle-
chinned 18-year-old,
whose pale attempt to
appear virile was ren-
dered comical by the
thin, wispy strands of
brown hair patched
irregularly on his chin
and left cheek.
“But, you know,”
he continued, “it
took a lot of patience
and a lot of guts. I
told myself count-
less times that it was
time to give up. For a
week or two it didn’t
grow evenly at all. I
must’ve looked pretty
stupid then.”
For Finster, like
other sissies, stroll-
ing down Middle
Path among Kenyon’s most hir-
sute felt like a shameful admission of his
own effeminacy. “Everywhere I went, I’d
see these beards,” he said. “They’re awe-
some. Big ones like on the rugby guys, long
ones, sharp ones—some hipster guys grow
mustaches, even—
they’re just so cool.
I thought, I can do
it too.”
As Finster be-
gan to notice fee-
ble tufts spreading
across his sallow
face, he thought it
might be interest-
ing to document the
process. “I wanted
to make it more of
a project,” he ex-
plained. “So I made
a Facebook album
and took a picture
of my face every
day, like the guy
in that YouTube
video. But in most
of the pictures, the
fash washes out the
beard and you can’t
even see it.”
“It looks good
in a certain light,”
Finster concluded.
“Kind of. I just
wish my girlfriend
liked it.”
Unfort unat el y,
the beard has not
gone over well with
Melanie Russo ’11, Finster’s girlfriend of
two months. “I’ll put it this way,” she said,
“I’m not shaving until he does.”
Heroic Freshman Attempts Beard
Travis Finster ’12 at the height of facial growth.
By That Girl
BEXLEY APARTMENTS—Heyyyy bitch! Oh
my God, I haven’t seen you in seriously, like, for-
ever! What? I mean YEAH we hung out, like, ALL.
THE. TIME in Intro to Women’s and Gender Studies
but that class was SUCH a downer, right?!
I never told you this, but I love your boots. The
ones with the fur. I’m totally going to steal them! Ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha! No but seriously, look out, I’m
going to sneak into your room and take them. Just
kidding!!! No but seriously.
WE MAKE SUCH A GOOD PAIR!
You’re a brunette and I’m blond—and your boobs
are tiny and mine are huge! What’s your screen name?
Oh my god, see that guy? That guy totally wants to
do you! Just kidding we’re hooking up so hands off!
You are so funny—I bet guys love that. You’re the
smart one and I’m the pretty one! Like Thelma and
Louise—those girls from Scooby Doo!!!
Wait so what class are you in? Are you a sopho-
more? You’re a junior! Duh! Me too—that’s so cool!
Oh my God, we should hang out more! All of these
guys are asking for my number, just because I’m
standing next to you!
But seriously, we really need to be good friends,
because we only have ONE MORE YEAR before
graduation! Can you believe it?! As the say, make
hay while the sun . . . hey, is that guy looking at you?!
No just kidding, he’s totally checking me out. Here,
hold my drink while we go get our freak on. You’re
the best.
MWAH!!!
OH MY GOD, WE SHOULD HANG OUT MORE!
4