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EATON CENTER - Last week President S.
Georgia Nugent met with Capri Sun execu-
tives, along with other college administrators,
to review and sign a fve-year sponsorship
contract with the juice drink giant. The con-
tract means that the college will relinquish all
creative rights, which includes the naming of
buildings, to Capri Sun in exchange for $25
Said President Nugent, 'Word on the street is
that someone was harshing our endowment rat-
ing. In goes the juice, out come the Benjamins.
Bing bang boom. Problem solved.¨
Capri Sun wasted no time in asserting their
infuence on the college, changing the name of
the Kokosingers to the Disrepectoids, in hom-
age to the infamous Capri Sun antagonists.
'We see this an opportunity to reconnect
with youth,¨ said Capri Sun CEO Arnold Bu-
gle, 'and to redefne our own image. We`re
trying to cater to the young adults that drank
Capri Sun as kids. We`d like to show them that,
hey, it`s still totally radical, bro, to drink Capri
Many students seem to agree, having eager-
ly embraced Capri Sun`s new 'Liquid Lords¨
mascots, which have begun spreading Capri
Sun cheer throughout campus. However, some
argue that the Lords, dressed in silver body
suits, are a little too eager.
'I was sitting in my Celts and Germans`
class last Friday, and this Capri Sun tee-shirt
fies in through the window and
hits me in the back of the head!¨
said Amber Tilly `11. 'Like, to-
tally random, right?¨
'Yeah, I saw that,¨ remarked
Marcus Brown `10. 'I was sit-
ting next to Amber. I looked out
the window and saw one of the
Lords` with an enormous sling-
shot. He shot a Pacifc Cooler at
my face and then jumped in the air
and fst pumped.¨
'Like, what?¨ added Brown.
But not all students are reacting so sourly.
'I think it`s a totally fun theme,¨ said Margaret
Oakwood `11, a Capri Sun Summer Scholar.
'Campus cheer is what it`s all about! Like it`s
so much better that they changed Shock Your
Mom` to Respect The Pouch.` ¨
Bugle also sees the contract as an 'oppor-
tunity to do good. We like to think of Capri
Sun as a wholesome, family company,¨ said
Bugle. 'These kids these days are doing meth
and banging each other every day before class.
We`re trying to show the youth that it`s cool
to get hooked on another kind of juice . . . I`m
talking about Capri Sun.¨
Although students have gotten used to Ca-
pri Sun in their Cheerios,
Kluge is livid. 'I used to
have my cappuccino, every
morning,' remarked Kluge,
trying to puncture a Capri
Sun pouch. 'And now it`s
this, everywhere. Just tacky,
just-sweet Jesus, are these
straws designed to bend upon
impact? Is there some sort of
. I can`t get the thing .
God damn it!¨
Soon thereafter, an ecstatic Lord` sprinted
over to the professor, hurdling the tables of
Middle Ground, and dropped a straw-punc-
tured Strawberry Kiwi into his lap. He contin-
ued to do the splits and kicked the door open,
'I just can`t do it,¨ added Kluge, taking a
tearful sip, the yellow straw quivering between
By Sandy Johnson
[Editor's note: This article was submitted by
Sandy Johnson, age 9, the Wiggin Street El-
ementary student who won our ¨Write a Col-
legiate Article' contest for young readers.]
Hi. It`s almost Halloween. It`s my favor-
ite holiday. For Halloween, I wrote an article
that`s a haunted house. When you read it,
please imagine that you`re in it. Thank you
Welcome to the haunted house! It`s scary.
There are cobwebs everywhere. And fog.
Read these letters: oo oo oo oo. They`re
Frankenstein`s eyeballs! Scary.
v v v v v Those are Dracula`s teeth. He
was an important vampire.
(RIP Mummy) The Haunted graveyard.
(RIP Wolfman ?) (RIP Scary Ghost)
'Late one Halloween night, there was a
little nine-year-old boy who wandered away
from his mom. A witch came and she turned
him into a toad! HAAHaha¨
W W There are bats fying everywhere
around you w w w W W W w w.
Whew. You escaped the haunted house.
Thanks for reading my article. Bye
Philander’s Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip. Vol. 2, Issue 5 October 28, 2009
l·¡(.¡ \..·)|s |¡)||\¡¡ \).¡s.|s||)
\||.z¡¡ l|·¡s·! |( |¡z\|·| 1¡|\·| I¡|| |¡¡s
By Satchmo Dirk Jerkins
VILLAGE MARKET - In a recent press re-
lease, hip-hop performer Afroman expressed
his 'profound satisfaction¨ with the amount of
24-ounce beer cans he purchased at the market
prior to his performance at Kenyon.
'I`m an eager collector of 24 oz. beer cans,
and have been for quite some time now.¨ report-
ed Afroman. 'This town of yours is so quaint
and small, I didn`t expect to fnd any brands that
I haven`t already discovered. But when I man-
aged to locate your market through the smoke,
I went inside and what did I fnd? A vintage
Olympia! Tall Boy Digest ran an article say-
ing it had been discontinued; and here I found a
near-mint right in your market! Needless to say,
I bought it.¨
Afroman delivered a rousing two-hour per-
formance to a glazed, pizza-roll munching audi-
ence at the Gund Ballroom last Saturday night.
The event was sponsored by Social Board and
hosted by the Delta Phi fraternity. The set list
included the classic 'Because I Got High,¨ 'She
Won`t Let me Fuck,¨ and numerous other head-
The Village Market carries a plentitude of
'Tall Boy¨ brands (the urban slang term for a
24-ounce beer) and was more than happy to pro-
vide them to Afroman on the eve of his perfor-
mance. The vintage Olympia brand in question
was donated to the market 20 years ago by that
old guy who hangs out at the VI and looks like a
sailor. A market employee, who requested to re-
main anonymous, reported, 'Yeah, we gave him
some tall cans. Now get the fuck out of here.¨
'Sometimes you need an outlet, even in the
rap game. That outlet for me is collecting tall
beer cans for their aesthetic appeal. I mean, It`s
hard doing what I do,¨ reported an uncharacter-
istically somber Afroman. 'There`s always so
much pressure to perform and I never get the
chance to - wait, what are we talking about?
Anyways, to sum it up: Afroman likes tall cans.¨
The rapper then asked an assistant to open his
eyes so he could locate his beer to take a sip.
'Oh yeah, I also like to drink the beer inside.¨
I||s \|||.|· |s \ l¡¡¡|·! l.¡s·
Kenyon`s refreshing new logo.
INSIDE THIS ISSUE:
NEW MARKET GUY PRETTY SURE YOU`RE STONED
CUNNINLYNGUISTS TO DELIVER AURAL PLEASURE
ARCHON SORORITY READIES FOR ALL-CAMPUS PARTY
by Granny Hayes
PEIRCE SERVERY - A new sign displayed
by the panini press in Peirce Servery this past
week explains that contrary to popular practice,
cooking spray should be applied to sandwich
bread, not the actual press.
Press frequenters agree that the new rule has
required some minor adjustment. When Ted
Weberman `10 frst sprayed his sandwich bread
he burned the entire outside of his turkey and
provolone on ciabatta without even remotely
melting the contents of the inside.
'The sandwich tasted like someone put cold
provolone in between two pieces of charcoal,¨
Weberman said, 'and I`ve actually eaten that
before. Growing up, my mother had a terrible
alcohol dependency. After long nights of drink-
ing she would weep to herself and make my
lunch with whatever she could get her hands
While the sign has given way to some cook-
ing mishaps, its biggest role has been as a new
conversation starter for those waiting while
their sandwiches are being pressed.
'People used to leave and get drinks from the
soda fountain when I walked up to the press¨
explained Grace Gruber `13 'now they tell me
For Christ`s sake, Grace, only spray the bread!`
or Why are you spraying my sandwich?` or
Can I have the cooking spray back? You don`t
even have a panini.`¨
'It`s awful,¨ remarked Joel Freed `11, 'cook-
ing spray convos last, at most, a minute but
pressing a sandwich can last up to three times
that amount. You used to be able to walk up
to the press, make brief, but warm, eye con-
tact with the other person at the panini station
and press your wrap-no distractions,¨ he ex-
plained 'but now it`s just awkward.so terribly
Freed and others like him have been strongly
feeling the pressure to fll the remaining cook
time with other lunchroom banter.
Collegiate reporters were given a chance
to follow Freed through the servery this past
Thursday in order to capture one of his Panini
At 12:24 PM Freed approached the press and
began speaking with an unidentifed sophomore
JF: 'Huh, turns out you`re not supposed to
spray the press anymore.¨
SG: 'Yeah . . .¨
JF: 'Say, have you ever had one of these
spinach wraps? I`ve only ever had the tomato
SG: 'Like the spinach is inside the wrap?¨
JF: 'Kind of . . .¨
JF: 'Hey, do you want a grab a table togeth-
||·¡! 1.¡s|·| |¡i¡!·s l|·|.· \·|i·|(
By Eegul Eggelstein
PEIRCE SERVERY - Lana Sassoon 11 was
sent to the hospital after being attacked by a
bread monster in Peirce Servery on Monday.
The monster rose out of the pastrami sandwich
belonging to Jasper
Hawley `10 and bit
through Sassoon`s arm,
reported AVI staff.
AVI employees and
Kenyon students alike
were horrifed by the
infltration of the bread
monster into the serv-
ery. AVI employee
Kenya Harris speculat-
ed, 'I think that it was
probably the work of a
sandwitch. We`ve had
constant trouble with
them summoning crea-
tures into the bread. I
used to think that Peirce
was a bastion of safety from bread creatures,
but this is absolutely horrifying to me.¨
Preparations for Monday`s dinner started out
smoothly, according to Sous Chef Chester Win-
chester. 'However, two employees working the
sandwich line started fghting with each other.
I told them to stop their challahing but they
didn`t listen, and that`s when everything started
to go a rye. I guess the crowds meant that the
employees working the sandwich line were too
focused on the Muenster to notice the monster
creep into the loaf right beside them.¨
In response to the attack of the bread mon-
ster, AVI has employed the traditional strategy
in dealing with bread monsters: cutting the
bread into the shape of a hand. 'Something
about the fact that there is less whole space on
each slice dissuades monsters,¨ said esteemed
wheatologist Bradley Partridge. 'In addition,
I think the hand actually makes the monsters
think that they are about to be captured.¨
fun about having your
food in the shape of
other objects,¨ added
if you had meatballs
that looked like vam-
pire bats, or apple-
sauce in the shape of
a swamp, or grilled
tempeh that was eas-
ily mistakable for
the New York City
skyline. That`s why
I think the handwich
is such a good idea!
Not only does it mean
that there won`t be any
more monsters, but you have a fun experience
every meal. Just wait until I create my master-
piece: cottage cheese that you would actually
think was a real, live walrus.¨
Sassoon is recovering quickly from her en-
counter with the bread monster. 'At frst I
thought I was toast, but it was really a naan-
issue,¨ she said. 'The doctors were initially
worried about rabies, but it looks like I`m go-
ing to be totally fne. Even though I feel like
Jasper is a little responsible, I`m so glad that he
was there to help me out.¨ When asked if she
was excited to get back to Peirce to try out the
swiss cheese bust of President Eisenhower, she
replied, 'You hit the nail on the bread!¨
\ l|·¡ |¡ l·| . . . |.||.¡''
A mugshot of the suspect, released by investigators.
By Thalia Bradley
Webster`s defnes the word 'play¨ as 'the stage
representation of an action or a story; a dramat-
ic composition.¨ A Flea In Her Ear, written by
Georges Feydeau, adapted by David Ives, and
directed at Kenyon by Professor Jonathan Taze-
well, certainly lived up to this description!
The playwright of the English version of the
show, David Ives, began his career at the Circle
Repertory Company in New York in 1972. He
lives with his wife, Martha, in Manhattan. He is
best known for his one-acts, which are typically
comedies. His adaptation of Georges Feydeau`s
farce sure was!
Georges Feydeau, who wrote the original
play in French, was the son of novelist Ernest-
Aimé Feydeau and Léocadie Bogaslawa Za-
lewska. He is known for his witty, complex
plots full of misinterpretations and coincidenc-
es. Feydeau is now regarded as one of the great
French playwrights of his era, and his plays are
continuously revived and performed today -
as we could see in the Bolton.
Theater, the art form on display during Fam-
ily Weekend, has existed since time immemo-
rial. Even prehistoric humanity telling stories
around the fre about the latest mammoth hunt
can be considered a form of drama. Western
drama as we know it, though, really began in
ancient Athens, where it was institutionalized
as part of a festival called the Dionysia. We`ve
come a long way since then, and this play is a
testament to that fact.
When asked, one cast member noted that
A Flea In Her Ear would not have been pos-
sible without the capacity for language in hu-
man beings. Present in the Bible in the story
of the Towel of Babel, glottogony, the study
of speech, has long fascinated scholars. Some
animals - such as whales and chimpanzees -
are thought to communicate, but their language
is nowhere near as complex as that of Homo
sapiens. Without the anatomical apparatus for
speech and the neurological capacity to under-
stand it, the college`s production of Flea could
never have existed.
The show was well acted, directed, and
staged. Despite some faws, it was a fun per-
Speaking to the actors after the show, I was
informed that Professor Tazewell had directed
them and they had responded to his direction.
Some suggested that parts of the rehearsal pro-
cess were nerve-wracking, and others noted
that it was lovely to hear an audience laughing.
Theater is not all fun and games, however,
even if the performance is a farce. As with all
aspects of life, putting on a show can be a risky
business. We cannot know the future, we can-
not know the what the thoughts of others will
be or which path destiny will place us upon -
each action we attempt, each deed we embark
upon, is mysterious and somewhat frightening.
Yet without this mystery our lives would be
dull and predictable - every moment known
and predetermined. Let us be glad that we have
been endowed, be it by an omnipotent creator
or by the random chance of evolution, with the
capacity for free-will, which, though terrifying,
gives us the gift of mutability.
|·s)||· \|j¡. l¡¡|¡| l|·ss ||¡| \|||| \ª\ª¡|!
\|¡!·¡| l|.|||·. \¡!( l|¡|t¡·|
'THE BOY BEHIND THE FLYERS¨
Professor of Archaeology
What kind of horse
is only ridden at night?
The spectral horse-
man of Knox County.
Here, let`s hide in
this hedge maze!
What the little
Natalie Mango `11
Hannah Santa Anna `13
Prissy Doodle `13
Whoooooo's got my
Sorry. We`ll give
What do you
want with me??
My work is over.
Now I can rest.
Prissy and Hannah!
I shall be reborn!
Thirteen! Thirteen years.
Ha ha ha ha.
What happened on this
very spot 13 years ago?
Did we scare you?
I heard there was some kind of
massacre. Probably just a myth.
You sure did.
Please tell my niece I
always loved her.
Counselor at Camp
What did you do
Wandered the halls, forlornly
rattling my shackles.
We played in
We promised we`d
It's hanging on
the car door.
Three. Two. Two. One.
Totals so far:
By Charlie Adams
MIDDLE GROUND - To the untrained eye,
Andy Pfutzner `10 may seem like any normal
Kenyon student. He can often be found work-
ing late in front of his open laptop. Even in
the classroom, where he studies studio art, he
simply gives the impression of an average,
stressed young artist.
But Andy Pfutzner is far from average, and
so is his work. In fact, by some measures, he is
the most celebrated
artist on campus.
Known by few but
relied on by many,
Pfutzner is the lone
fgure behind the
array of fyers.
'We go to Andy
`11. 'Without the
work he does for
our shows, I don`t
think we`d ever
fll a single seat.¨ Even the faculty agree. 'A
Pfutzner fyer is simply the gold standard,¨
admitted Professor of Drama Lonnie Kurland.
'When we commission one of his designs, the
popularity of a play can double overnight.¨
Pfutzner`s body of work certainly match-
es the hype. Even if they don`t know him
by name, most students can recall a favorite
Pfutzner design - his humorous take on Take
5`s Spring 2008 concert, for example, or his
ever-popular 'Come to Friday Café.¨ And,
though he never reveals a work in progress,
Pfutzner says he`s got several exciting pieces
on the way. 'Get ready for this season`s Dance
Concert. All I`ll say is: Wingdings.¨
On any given day, Pfutzner can be found
hard at work in his studio, an Old Kenyon
single. Delicately wielding his tools, which
include Microsoft Word and Google Images,
he designs poster after poster for campus
events such as concerts, readings, and kittens
When he`s fnished, his work is then dis-
tributed across campus by a team of students
whom he calls his 'staple jockeys.¨ This
has found great suc-
cess at Kenyon, and
today claims author-
ship of every single
fyer on campus.
Pfutzner is not shy
about his achieve-
ments. 'Planning an
event? You`d bet-
ter go through me,¨
he says. 'All the
biggest events -
Shock Your Mom,
Shopping and Fuck-
ing, Phling `08 -
they had a Pfutzner fyer bringing folks in.
And the real duds - think DKE Formal and
Phling `09 - well, let`s just say they had pub-
Walking through campus, Pfutzner can`t
help but crack a smile. Some of his favorite
spots, such as the Farr Hall columns, are liter-
ally wallpapered with his work. Still, he ad-
mits, he is seldom approached by fans. 'It`s
not a prestigious path,¨ he admits, 'but it`s
what I love to do.¨
An exposition of Pfutzner`s art will be open
all this month on the door of Middle Ground.
Admission is free.
|..\ \·|!s |. l|!· |.¡·|s
Andy Pfutzner `10 displaying his art.
Professor of Mathematics
I never drink . . . wine.
By Beauregard Beauregard
SUNSET COTTAGE - NightCAPS, one of Ke-
nyon`s many literary societies, will be hosting a
group reading of 'dirty poetry¨ at 8 o`clock this
evening in the basement of Lentz House.
Students are encouraged to read poems of
their own choosing, although selections will be
provided for those lacking inspiration. 'I`m lean-
ing towards something from Rimbaud,¨ said Em-
ily Bradstreet `13. 'My boyfriend wants to read
this really vulgar piece by Bukowski, but I told
him if he did I`d just do a monologue from Ly-
sistrata, and you know what that means.¨
'No OPHJ [Over the Pants Handjob] for him
'We want contributions from everyone; it`s
got to be a group effort,¨ nightCAPS president
Ted Liebfreid `10 said. 'The event will last for as
long as we can keep it up.¨
Posters promoting the event, distributed last
week, have caused quite a scandal on campus.
'The only thing more terrifying than the female
body is a female body clasping a book sensuously
to itself. Such an image signifes the liberation,
not only of sexuality, but intellectual pursuit from
gender-oppression,¨ wrote Peter West `11 in an
allstu e-mail last week. 'Quite frankly, I`m ap-
'I would just be worried about paper-cuts,¨
replied Brandon McEvoy `12.
'[The posters] certainly are saucy,¨ Alex
Rolfe `10 later observed. 'But, surprisingly
enough, a lot of Kenyon students are very sexu-
ally inexperienced; this is a great way to expand
He added, 'Really I`m just tryna B my L on
some literary T`s.
Most seem to share Rolfe`s enthusiasm:
many of the posters originally thought to have
been torn down in protest were rediscovered later
in students` rooms, under pillows or shoved down
in the space between the mattress and the wall.
In other news, the Pealers have announced
that they will be playing extra loudly tonight be-
ginning at 8 p.m.
By Ed Strictly
KENSTER CHAT ROOM - In a startling
display of anonymous bullying last Friday,
famed Kenster sharer Snafued refused to
grant beloved Kenster user mchebrewhammer
a slot, when the latter tried to download the
most recent episode of It`s Always Sunny in
Philadelphia, which had just been upped.
'It`s not just that I had to wait,¨ admitted
mchebrewhammer, who is known for his af-
fnity for world music and his formidable if
quaint foreign flm collection. 'No, I asked
him for a slot in both
the main chat and in a
private message, and
he simply said no.`¨
real identity is even
less known than most
Kenster users, shares
over three and a half
terabytes of fles on
the illegal flesharing
network. The self-as-
cribed 'King of Ken-
ster¨ recently assumed
a position of royalty in
the Shakespeer realm,
after waiting in the
shadows during the
reign of the previous
server, the gentle, if
fawed, Antar. Since then, life on Kenster has
'It`s harder and harder to get what you
want on there,¨ said user starving_orphan45,
'even though there`s more shit up there than
ever.¨ Indeed, ever since Snafued assumed
command, it has been impossible to down-
load without personally sharing at least one
gigabyte of material. However, with the bur-
geoning new server, and with ferce loyalties
among the Kenster elite, only top sharers have
been getting the best slots.
This is why it was such a surprise when
mchebrewhammer, with over 230 shared
gigs, was rejected on Friday. Long considered
among the Kenster nobility, mchebrewham-
mer is known for his generous tendencies.
His willingness to grant download slots to as
many users as possible, however, has earned
him a controversial reputation among the
'I`m not saying that what Snafued did was
acceptable,¨ said kwyjibo, the user with all
the porn. 'It`s just that mchebrewhammer`s
clearly not one of us. He opens up his slots
to leeches and people
with bad nicknames.¨
'Oh, okay,¨ re-
mer. 'So I should just
turn a blind eye when
BritishPeasant or An-
dreaN need the new
Manu Chao album?¨
sion has not gone un-
rewarded. Rather, he
has earned a reputa-
tion among the small-
er sharers as being a
sort of saint - steal-
ing the most desired
fles from the people
who steal the most,
and making them more immediately available
to the people who steal a little bit less.
'I love that guy,¨ said laxdude7.
As a result of all the drama, mchebrewham-
mer has devised a plan to create a new fle-
sharing network which is open to all sharers,
of all sharing capabilities, at all times. 'I`m
going to call it Sharewood Forest,¨ mchebre-
whammer reported, his eyes sparkling. 'If you
want to access it, just go to Quick Connect,
then type in 154.67.534.34. And if that doesn`t
work, try 22.214.171.124.¨
¯\)¡.· |¡ss` l¡||(
\|||¡.|s |.||·j· l|s|
\¡¡|¡·! l·|¡s·s |. ||¡¡| z.|·\|·ª|¡zz·| ¡ \|.|
By Skeeter Demiglace
DELT LODGE - Tom Cherry `10, President
of Delta Tau Delta, was 'overwhelmed¨ by the
number of fsh who attended his fraternity`s par-
ty, 'Space Bass¨ last weekend. The party was
the frst stage of an extended campaign by the
brothers to save their fraternity from obscurity.
Said Cherry, 'We put our party theme to a vote
this year and Space Bass was the most popular
choice. I`m so excited they picked a swimming
Fred Biztra `13 allowed his goldfsh Aida to
attend the party. 'She`s just been so depressed
lately. I came home the other day and realized
that the cute, scaly fshy I`ve loved for so long
had completely let herself go. She was just to-
tally gross, all covered in algae and shit.¨
'I cleaned up her bowl, put together a nice
outft, and brought her to Space Bass in the
hopes that she might fnd a sexy Sockeye salm-
on to head upstream with, if you know what I
mean, and she did! She`s so much more fun to
hang out with now.¨
Tammy Cochon `11, president of Kenyon`s
PETA chapter, was delighted that a fraternity
had shown the initiative to throw a party for
pets. 'I`m so happy that the Delts are treating
animals as human beings,¨ he said. 'I think this
party`s success will show Mayor Emmert that
backing animal suffrage is the humane thing to
'We met some great, young swimmers, and
we really hope that they`ll choose to join our
fraternal order,¨ said Rush Chair Ted Cookee
`10. 'We`re working on retroftting our Lodge
with a massive fsh tank.¨
Campus amphibians could not be reached for
Just some of the data at stake.
Candy Corn . . . . . . . . . Skeeter Demiglace
Mini Snickers . . . . . . . . . Sheridan Whiteside
Apple . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Diesel Jackson
Tootsie Roll . . . . . . . . . . Luther Honeybucket
Nerds . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Gordelo 3000
Vanilla Tootsie Roll . . . . . . . . . . Charlie Adams
Twizzlers . . . . . . . . . Beauregard Beauregard
Bottle Caps . . . . . . . . . . Eegull Eggelstein
Apple with Razors Inside . . . . . Granny Hayes
Hershey`s . . . . . . . . . . Satchmo Dirk Jerkins
Butterscotch . . . . . . . . . . . Esteban Sinclaire
Mormon Pamphlet . . . . . . Dingo Rockefeller
Saltwater Taffy . . . . . . . . . . . . Jean Shortz
Jolly Rancher . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ed Strictly
Skittles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Gurl Wulf
Poisoned Candy Corn . . Ruth 'Thundercat¨ Bubis
Consultant . . . . . . . . . . . The Monkey Paw
Interns . . . . . . . . . . .Where Is Everybody?,
The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street, Mr. Bevis,
Eye of the Beholder, Terror at 20,000ft
Editorial Assistants . . . . . . . Gremlins, Troll 2,
Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street III,
Ernest Scared Stupid, Rodentz, It, Halloween.
Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . . . . . Louis Fran-
cis Albert Victor Nicholas Collegiate, 1st Earl Col-
legiate of Ohio, KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
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By Dingo Rockefeller
SAM MATHER - Francesca Wentworth `11,
who to the world presents a face of studious-
ness, creativity, and community spirit, nev-
ertheless spends hours a day on the popular
Facebook game 'FarmVille,¨ sources reported
Wednesday. The double English and Sociolo-
gy major, who maintains a 3.8 GPA, allegedly
still routinely logs onto the internet to check
on her virtual eggplants, squash, and soybeans
Though capable of crafting concise, elegant
research papers on topics ranging from the
alcohol rituals of Senegalese fshermen to the
cultural contexts of Anne Bradstreet`s 'Upon
the Burning of Our House - July 10th, 1666,¨
Wentworth nonetheless feels it necessary to
shear her animated sheep`s wool every three
days in order to collect 28 coins.
Wentworth, an active member of both the
Archon Society and Circle K, two organi-
zations that seek to make the world a better
place, is habitually on her computer, plow-
ing imaginary plots of land and shooing pre-
tend crows away from neighbors` nonexistent
crops - activities that confer no tangible ben-
eft on anyone.
An avid writer and last year`s recipient of
the Muriel C. Bradbrook Fiction Prize for
her account of an Ecuadorian teenager deal-
ing with her grandfather`s Alzheimer`s, Wen-
tworth is at least equally zealous about the
prospect of adorning her farm with a Pig Topi-
ary and a Groovy Scarecrow.
'Oh boy!¨ Wentworth was heard to exclaim
late last night, while pausing from her 12-page
essay on homoeroticism in Melville`s short
fction to log on to Facebook. 'A pink cow
wandered on to my neighbor`s farm!¨
'I`ll be able to collect strawberry milk from
it!¨ she added, moments after having format-
ted her bibliography in correct MLA style.
Wentworth then harvested her pumpkins,
placed a signpost next to her grain silo reading
'Captain Delano ROX!,¨ and went to sleep.
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