By Charlie Adams

MCBRIDE - Ian Stuart is not the ideal Ke-
nyon applicant. A high school senior from Mt.
Vernon, Stuart has long dreamed of joining the
class of 2014; sadly, though, the self-described
'proud gamer¨ and Dorito enthusiast lacks both
the excellent grades and adequate athleticism
prized by the college. Now, though, students
like Stuart are being given a chance to shine.
Kenyon`s new Alfred H. Pease Scholarship,
unveiled last week, 'recognizes students who
demonstrate outstanding achievements and
scores in Guitar Hero.¨ Named after Alfred
Pease `59, a real musician who played real in-
struments, the scholarship will waive the cost
of tuition for three exceptional gamers every
year. Textbooks, fngerless gloves, and hot
pockets will also be provided.
Applying for the scholarship is a two-part
process. In the frst round, candidates submit
a shaky, grainy video of their playing to You-
Tube. The top 100 applicants will then compete
in a single-elimination online showdown, the
frst of its kind in academia. At no point will
entrants be required to leave their basements.
'We`re very excited to welcome these ex-
ceptional students to campus,¨ said Profes-
sor of Music Lixx Mercury. 'Of course, this
scholarship is not for the faint of heart. Dex-
terity exercises, windmill strum workouts,
and even carpal tunnel prevention will all be
part of the daily routine. Additionally, every
Pease Scholar will be tested regularly for per-
formance-enhancing Mountain Dew® Game
Fuel.¨
'Luckily, we`re, uh, not too worried about
their presence in the party scene,¨ he added.
Despite Mercury`s warnings, applications
have already begun pouring in. Some have
even arrived from as far away as Japan and
Korea, though admissions is still awaiting its
frst female entrant.
One student`s touching essay read: 'check
out me playing guitar hero. 100% high score
on cRaZy tRaIn.subscribe to my videos: www.
youtube.com/silentsuicide64. i hope dearly to
see you all next year as i begin my long, mean-
ingful journey of matriculation. guitar hero
xbox rock band xbox legends of rock high
score fc.¨ The essay`s author? Mt. Vernon`s
own Kenyon hopeful Ian Stuart.
By Diesel Jackson
GAMBIER - At the conclusion of strenuous
fall seasons, Kenyon athletics has seen a signif-
icant increase in debilitating injuries. The col-
lege has tried their best to accommodate their
injured student-athletes by providing golf carts
for their everyday ease. However, due to a lim-
ited feet, last week the administration asked
the college`s Equestrian Team to start lending
horses to their surplus of injured students.
'We thought it best,¨ said Henry Toutain,
Dean of Students, 'in trying to accommodate
our students. Number one priority. Defnitely.¨
'Let`s get some effn horses into the pic-
ture,¨ he added.
At frst the equine accommodation was well
received by students, injured and uninjured
alike. While most injured athletes raved at the
initial comfort of mobility the horses offered,
almost all girls on campus love the addition of
the pretty, pretty horses.
Not all horse activity has been so pleasant,
however, with many in the community con-
cerned with the safety of both the horses and
students.
Philander’s Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip. Vol. 2, Issue 6 December 2, 2009
l·¡(.¡ \¡¡.¡¡.·s |¡||¡| l·|. \.|.|¡|s||)
l]¡·s|||¡¡ I·¡z |·¡!s
l.|s·s I. |¡j¡|·! \|¡!·¡|s
Stuart working on his application.
By Eegull Eggelstein
PEIRCE - On Tuesday, AVI employees sur-
prised the Kenyon student body by providing
thousands of crazy straws with which to slurp
Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, and MelloYello. The
straws, which send the liquid on a circuitous
route to the mouth, were ordered by Carol
Kelly-Boyd, but she makes sure to give cred-
it where credit is due. 'I didn`t think up this
mumbo-jumbo,¨ said Kelley-Boyd, 'Damon is
the one to thank. He wanted to have something
more fun for the students, who we all see as our
children.¨
'Some people complained that happy face
tater tots were too childish.¨ said Damon Re-
millard, resident director of AVI, 'After think-
ing about it for a while, I realized that we`re
dealing with college age students, not six-year-
olds. Thus, crazy straws seemed wholly appro-
priate.¨
Students were in a frenzy Tuesday, grab-
bing as many straws as they could. There were
even threats of a food fght as John Moronis
`10 grabbed a handful of straws from Lizzy
Krakow `12. Krakow responded by sending
a mouthful of Coke through a couple of loops
and directly into Moronis`s face. AVI workers
were quick to stop the aggression from esca-
lating, but numerous similar events occurred.
Moronis explicated, 'Lizzy had taken all of the
neon green straws, and neon green is my fa-
vorite color, I tried to ask her for them, but she
refused, so I just grabbed them. I defnitely did
not expect to get a line of Coke shot at me.¨
AVI worker Patsy Popper reminisced on the
whole event, 'I get sick and tired of the stu-
dents always complaining about the food suck-
ing. At least today, the food sucked and the
students sucked. On the straws, I mean.¨
'At the end of the day, I think it was a suc-
cess,¨ evaluated Damon Remillard, before let-
ting out a hearty guffaw. 'Get it? Suck-cess!
Like what you do to a straw.¨ He continued,
'Anyway, I just can`t wait until next year`s
straw day. At least then, we can change it from
frst perennial to second annual. Believe me, I
know my year counters.¨
l·||.· l.s|s l||s| l·|·¡¡|¡| ||¡t( \||¡ª |¡(
THE KENYON COLLEGIATE
IS LOOKING FOR NEW WRITERS!
EMAIL US TO APPLY AT
KENYON.COLLEGIATE@GMAIL.COM
(Continued on Page 4)
\¡|z· ||¡\ \||¡.\·! |( ||¡¡| l.\.| \..|·|(
By Satchmo Dirk Jerkins

GASKIN AVENUE - Members of the Anime
Club were directly and deliberately attacked by
members of the Giant Robot Society, another
special-interest group on campus. Bob Hooper,
Director of Campus Safety, emphasized the se-
verity of the incident: 'It is the single most dev-
astating attack on students this college has ever
seen. This is completely intolerable behavior
for Kenyon students - cartoon or robot.¨
Campus Safety and Security were mobilized
in full force last Tuesday to neutralize the as-
sailants.
At approximately
11:45 a.m., mem-
bers of the Anime
Club were gathered
outside Farr Hall to
wish Reed Racer `11
good luck in the big
race at Columbus.
'We were just say-
ing our goodbyes
HAHA, when sud-
denly these HAHA
giant robots came
out of nowhere!¨ re-
ported Racer. 'We
HAHA were caught
completely off guard HAHA!¨
According to eyewitnesses, the Giant Ro-
bot Society completely evaporated the school-
issued Mach 5 vehicle with a blast from their
microwave beams before engaging the Anime
Club in a full-scale assault.
The Giant Robots were lead by their group
representative RX-78 Gundam `10. To add
insult to injury, Gundam was once a member
of the Anime Club before he split off to start
his own legion of enormous robots with huge
laser cannons. When reached for comment,
Gundam`s explanation was cryptic at best.
'DELETE EXCESS BIOLOGIC MATTER,¨
he said.
Security reports indicate that Gundam and
his robots initiated their attack sequence by
hovering in a tight circle around the Anime
Club, blasting away with their quad photon-
beam rifes. The Anime Club put up a valiant
resistance to the abuse, however. 'Squirtle!
I choose you!¨ shouted Ash Fetchum `12 as
he hurled his Pokémon at the robots. Squirtle
spewed a heroic dribble of water at the robot`s
feet, but was obliterated by one of the robot`s
beam rifes.
'Squirtle!¨ Fetchum added. 'Oh, God,
nooo!¨
Campus Security
offcers arrived at the
scene at approximately
12:10 p.m. They were
greeted by a scene of
chaos. Burned Poké-
mon corpses lay strewn
over the road and side-
walk, mixed with the
injured bodies of stu-
dents Taylor Moon `13
and Eustace Mono-
noke `11. 'We were
about to call in backup
when the situation took
care of itself.¨
Goku 10, a longtime member of the Anime
Club, had spent the entire battle powering up
in the corner. 'I was really excited! It was the
frst time anyone in the club had reached a Su-
per Saiyan power level of three!¨ Goku said
in a press conference after the incident. He
obliterated the entire Giant Robot Society with
one giant blast of Qi energy. 'KAMEHAME-
HAAAA!¨ reported Goku.
The Giant Robot Society is awaiting a dis-
ciplinary hearing, which will likely result in
community service and loss of campus organi-
zation privileges.
By Skeeter Demiglace
LOWER DEMPSEY - On November 14th,
a caste dispute between Phonathon staff and
SAMOSA Club members interrupted the oth-
erwise successful celebration of Diwali, the
Hindu new year.
According to SAMOSA president Jhumpa
Venkatraman `10, a mistimed reach for the
chicken-curry ladle devolved into a hurling of
epithets, which spread throughout the servery
until even the traditional bhangra dancing came
to an abrupt end.
'Those bloody phonewallas,¨ SAMOSA
member Laloo Yadav `12 told reporters. 'Why
they are feeling the need to come in here and
upset order during my favorite Daler Mehendi
song, Oh Ballay Ballay,` I do not understand.
They are of different caste and must remain in
their own area of roaming.¨
Thanks to widespread outsourcing of tele-
phone-service jobs, a sixth caste has blossomed
in India and is beginning to manifest itself at
Kenyon: the phonewalla. As a mid-level jati
between the Vaishyas (merchant, agricultur-
ist) and Shudras (worker, service provider),
the phonewalla caste is scorned by many in
the Indian elite because of its proclivity to help
Americans track their online purchases and up-
grade to DSL Internet. Ranjeesh Patel `12, who
at Phonathon goes by the name 'John,¨ is tired
of the ostracization that comes with being a
phonewalla.
Said Patel: 'Always we are being made to
travel at back of airplanes. Mummy told me via
STD long-distance phone call that now even
Air India has eliminated Class seating and is
operating on Caste seating. We are in bloody
2009. This is not acceptable.¨
The festival, the most signifcant of Hindu
holidays, celebrates the god Rama`s defeat of
Ravana and return to his village after 14 years
of exile.
Perhaps the most egregious of insults was di-
rected to Saurabh Kumar `12. 'I am just mind-
ing my own business,¨ he recalled, 'making a
joke to my friend about that one terrible come-
dian, when suddenly a student I do not know
runs at me and shouts, Return to your burlap
sack, you dirty, untouchable fellow!` I could
not help my anger. I poured vats of chana masa-
la on that girl`s head. And I shouted back, May
Vishnu`s wrath be felt in your future arranged
marriage to that sow, Parthasathee Jain.` ¨
Incensed, both sides began throwing punches
and aloo gobi before Campus Safety ended the
melee.
Both sides have been referred to the Coun-
seling Center, where they are undergoing peer
mediation to work out their differences.
\¡¡¡¡| ||ª¡|| l¡||(
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By Gurl Wulf
GUND COMPUTER LAB - In an egregious
violation of students` right to open their email
without seeing a bunch of penises, Professor
Harold Muenster sent an allegedly accidental
email to his Herbology students Thursday, re-
placing a link to a noteworthy New York Times
article with a link to a hardcore porn site. The
site, www.milfsoup.bangbros.com, welcomes
gentlemen to a 'MILF fantasy house,¨ which
some members of the class found compelling.
'What does it say about our society that what`s
important to men is huge tits and a desire to go
down on some guy in a bathroom? That`s re-
pulsive. Why aren`t there more DILFs? How is
that fair?¨ said junior Harriet Hardy, whom fel-
low Womens` and Gender Studies major Polly
James `10 called 'a raging feminist freak bitch,
bitter as all get-out not to have been born with
a penis.¨
Another member of the class, Quincy Radi-
on `11, said, 'I thought it was great! I mean, up
til the part where I saw my little sister on there.
I did not know she had a kid. Or those tattoos.¨
'Those guys are a bunch of bitches,¨ said
Tad Sterns `10. 'The MILFs are bangin`. That`s
all there is to it.¨
Despite some positive reactions, there re-
mains the threat of negative fallout from the
school community and from the Board of
Trustees, who are less likely to be amused giv-
en the appearance of one of their wives on the
site. That board member asked to remain anon-
ymous but did say, 'She stopped doing that
for me years ago. So actually I feel grateful to
the Bang Bros. Now I know that I need to lose
eighty pounds, shave pretty much everything,
and chug creatine for the next three years, and
maybe she`ll be ready to look at me again.¨
'We understand how awkward this could
become,¨ President Georgia Nugent said about
the incident. 'Instead of lingering on the po-
tentially detrimental effects to both the student
body and the career of a well-liked, slightly
troubling professor, we`ve decided to embrace
it."
Beginning after Thanksgiving break, expect
to see Milfsoup on a regular basis in Peirce
servery, accompanied by extra-thick bread-
sticks and a new soda, Shame, in the drink dis-
penser.
\l| I. l||·| 1||l \.¡)
IN THE NEXT ISSUE:
DJ TEEKAY ANNOUNCES CHRISTMAS ALBUM
CAMPUS REPUBLICANS TO KENYON.EDU: 'MR. GRIGGS,
TEAR DOWN THIS PHOTO WALL!¨
LUTHER HONEYBUCKET RATES THE FRESHMEN
PECKHAM TO PLAY SOLD-OUT REUNION TOUR
By Beauregard Beauregard
ASCENSION - Sources speaking on the
condition of anonymity yesterday confrmed
the growing suspicion that Kenyon College is,
in fact, just a giant hamster cage built for the
enjoyment of space aliens.
A contact in the administration reported that
he had seen President Nugent speaking in low,
guttural tones to a ceramic cat on her desk last
week: 'I realized that I had left some papers
in her offce from a meeting we`d just had, so
I opened the door without knocking - and
there she was, communicating with the moth-
er-ship.¨
Evidence has recently come to light that
former Dean of Students Tammy Gocial re-
turned to the alien home-world of Trebedaius
XIII after she/it had a change of heart concern-
ing the ethics of campus hamster cages.
Gocial's quote comes to us through an in-
tercepted audio fle: 'I am sorry, Lord Kyr-
rjaka, but it's just not right to torment those
little critters day in and day out. An interga-
lactic hamster cage is humorous indeed, but
you can't expect these poor creatures to walk
up and down all day on that little Middle Path
you built without going mad.¨
There is also speculation about the real na-
ture of students being 'quarantined¨ this se-
mester. There have been numerous reports of
classmates returning from what many describe
as clean, well-lit, apartment-like structures.
'We all know there`s no place at Kenyon like
that. Where could they be bringing them?¨
asked Ted Mundial `12. 'I bet there are probes
involved.¨ 'Anal probes,¨ he clarifed.
Synoptic astronomy major Ellen Thomas
`11 recently determined that at the exact mo-
ment of the winter solstice, the buildings of
the science quad align perfectly with a col-
lection of spots on the
face of the Horse-head
Nebula. 'And what
they`ve been calling
a sculpture by Henry
Moore` actually lines
up straight with the
Nebula`s eye,¨ she ex-
plained. 'Think about
it.¨
Students have also
noticed how staff mem-
bers' mood fuctuates
in response to the pres-
ence of President Nu-
gent. "Yeah, she made
a surprise visit to our
Philosophy class one
day. Professor Night-
engale and her did this
weird handshake and
then he just stared convulsing and gibbering."
Reported Felix Brabdston '12. "One day, the
Nuge left campus, and all the professors in As-
cension just kinda stopped moving and stared
at the ground."
'Summat`s certain afoot, pilgrim,¨ re-
marked Collegiate reporter Luther Honey-
bucket. 'Thing like that`s bout scary nuff to
lark the panties off a jackalope.¨
l·¡(.¡ |.||·j·. ||¡¡| \||·¡ l¡z)s|·| |¡j·
By Dingo Rockefeller

OLIN LIBRARY - A recent Student-Info E-
mail Message may have contained imperative
information, sources reported today. The e-
mail, which was allegedly sent out yesterday
afternoon, potentially holds intelligence that
could prove vital to the majority of students on
campus. The probability of the message`s im-
portance was highlighted by three Student Info
Messages today noting the previous message`s
extreme importance.
Unsurprisingly, the news of such a Student-
Info has sent those few students who hadn`t al-
ready deleted their inboxes on an exploration to
fnd the message in question. As of press time,
the search has yielded nothing.
'It`s like looking for a needle in a haystack,¨
said Allen McKinney `11, clicking frantically
through his webmail inbox. 'Which one is the
crucial one? Is it the one telling me that Cardio-
Blast is cancelled? Is it the one giving the KAC
pool hours over Thanksgiving break? I don`t
know!¨
'I was pretty sure it was the one titled READ
THIS: YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT,`¨
said Emily Daynes 10, 'but when I clicked on
it, it said Now that I`ve got your attention,
come to French table tonight!`¨
Though no one is sure what the Student Info
Message may have been about, speculation
abounds. Some have stated their belief that it
pertains to Swine Flu vaccines. Others contend
that it`s related to the unexplained radiation that
has been emanating throughout Kenyon the
past several days. Still others maintain that it`s
some dire warning urging man against tamper-
ing in God`s domain.
'The sad truth is, I may never fnd the criti-
cal Stu-Info,¨ said Samantha Bennington `10,
'but at least now I know that Epic Fail` is now
online!¨
\|¡!·¡||¡|. 1·ss¡j·
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||¡.|¡| |¡|.|z¡||.¡
Cougar On The Prowl.
Assorted Traffc Lights
\|¡!·¡|s
l¡.¡||(
Village
Innin’
Andrew Niemiec
Professor of Psychology
Glenn McNair
Professor of History
What happens when a piano
falls down a mine shaft?
This is funny, really,
because I actually have a
great story about music.
A ßat miner!
Total Correct
What the little
girls said.
TJ Cosgood `11
Hannah Santa Anna `13
Prissy Doodle `13
Who is the Boss?
Just wrap your legs `round these
velvet rims and strap your hands
`cross my engines.
Sylvie.
That there is a loud
noise.
! ! !
How are you feeling
about fnals?
. . .
We just have to hnish our
macaroni term papers.
Anything but
excited.
Have you ever heard of
The Final Countdown?
Sacagawea
Who came to the frst
Thanksgiving?
Let me tell you a little
something about food.
. . .
The great historical
villain: white men.
Bruce.
Two. Three. One. One.
Totals so far:
Students: 21
Faculty: 24
Vs.
Lynne.
Excited.
Amerindians and
British colonials.
Santa!
DEAR SEA CAPTAIN: I recently broke up
with my boyfriend of 3 months. Things got
pretty serious and I`m still not over him. Last
night I got really drunk and made out with his
best friend! Not only that, but my boyfriend
saw us kissing!! I haven`t seen either of them
since then, and I really need some advice.
What should I tell my boyfriend? Do you think
he`ll be mad?
SAD AND CONFUSED

DEAR SAD: Ay. Just look at her. The
mighty goddess of fate she is. Like a pale
blue dream ye don`t want te wake from. Many
a brave lad she`s taken down with her to the
stormy depths, like a sob that dies in yer throat,
never te grace the ears of mankind. And still I
love her. I love that cold, thankless bitch. That
icy, drowning whore. God I love her. I`ll love
her till the day she takes me with her; down to
sleep with the ghosts.
4
DEAR SEA CAPTAIN: I`m in big trouble.
I got in a fght with my girlfriend and I think I
may have hit her. We were arguing about some
stupid something or other, and I got really de-
fensive and shoved her away from me. The
shove was pretty rough and I kinda punched
her in the cheek. She ran away crying. What
should I do? I really care about her and I would
never intentionally hurt her.
FULL OF REGRET

DEAR REGRET: Ha ha! Ol` Dan Tucker
eh? I remember than sunbitch alright! Thought
he was a real sea dog he did, comin onta me
boat, tryna tell me bout artic headwinds. I`ve
been sailin` this icy hell fer longer`n 30 god-
damn years. You could cut me balls off n` tie
em o`er me eyes and I`d still know how to get
home. That sunbitch had it comin` all right.
Spun his fat face right around with me fst I
did. Like a spinnin` top. Had to scrub that sun-
bitch`s blood off the poop deck for three days,
and lemme tell ya, coward`s blood don`t come
off easy.
4
DEAR SEA CAPTAIN: I`m really scared.
I had unprotected sex with my boyfriend and
he didn`t wear a condom. I`m on birth control,
so I`m not worried about getting pregnant, but
I`ve only been dating this guy for a month. I
don`t know his sexual history and I`m scared
that I might have gotten an STD. This is really
serious. I`ve never worried so much about my
health before.
CONCERNED GIRLFRIEND
DEAR CONCERNED: So it`s come to this.
Four months at sea, me whole crew dead and
gone, and I`m adrift in the artic wastes. Ye
fnally got me ya devil-hearted bitch. Ya dug
yer icy hooks dep in me breast n tore out me
heart n soul. Them boys were all I had. They
were. so young. They were not yours te
take you freezing whore! They were not yours
te take!!!! God.where am I? It`s so cold. I
don`t have any food and it`s so dark, always
dark. I`m drifting to the end. Ye got me ye bit-
ter whore, ye fnally got me.
4
Everybody has a problem. Whats yours? For
a personal reply, write to Sea Captain, Box
28983, The High Seas, 8873.
|.i·|.|¡ .¡ ||· l)·¡ \·¡s
Thunder Road . . . . . . . . Skeeter Demiglace
Lonesome Day. . . . . . . . . . . Sheridan Whiteside
The River . . . . . . . . . . . . . Diesel Jackson
Thunder Road (Live) . . . . Luther Honeybucket
The Fuse . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Gordelo 3000
Darkness on the Edge of Town . . Charlie Adams
Cadillac Ranch . . . . . . Beauregard Beauregard
Streets of Philadelphia . . . . . Eegull Eggelstein
Devils + Dust . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Granny Hayes
Silver Palmino . . . . . . . . Satchmo Dirk Jerkins
Jungleland . . . . . . . . . . . . Esteban Sinclaire
Radio Nowhere . . . . . . . . . Dingo Rockefeller
Born in the USA . . . . . . . . . . . Gurl Wulf
Working on a Dream . . . . . . . . . . Jean Shortz
Born to Run . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ed Strictly
Kitty`s Back . . . . . . Ruth 'Thundercat¨ Bubis
Consultant . . . . . . . . . . . . . Max Weinberg
Editorial Assistants . . . . . . . . . . Roy Bit-
tan, Clarence Clemons, Nils Lofgren, Patti
Scialfa, Garry Tallent, Steven Van Zandt, Dan-
ny Federici, Ernest 'Boom¨ Carter, Suki La-
hav, Vini 'Mad Dog¨ Lopez, David Sancious
Interns . . . . . . . . . . . Wendy, Mary, Leah
Freelance . . . Nebraska, Greetings from Asbury
Park, NJ, Devils & Dust, The Rising, Live 1975-85,
Magic, Tunnel of Love, Human Touch, Born to Run
Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . . . . . Louis Fran-
cis Albert Victor Nicholas Collegiate, 1st Earl Col-
legiate of Ohio, KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
COLLEGIATE STAFF
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isdk kj to the park and cuts the trees be-
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fo you really to your residue how on earth
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SEX AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE BY SEA CAPTAIN SCHMIDT
|·| l¡z)·! l.| l¡s|·|
By Fredrick Pumice
'These horses are causing a ruckus,¨ said
Robert Hooper, Director of Campus Security.
'We found some horses crashed into bushes all
around campus Sunday morning with intoxicat-
ed students still in the stirrups. Reports of sto-
len horses have been popping up left and right.
Horse poopy outside my offce. Where did these
unruly beasts come from? Did fuckin` Pegasus
and Hurricane Ike have a bunch of kids or some-
thing?¨
The community has looked to the equestrian
team for explanations. 'Well, see, totally unbe-
knownst to the equestrian team, you can actually
start a horse with your PO Box key,¨ explained
team captain Sarina Guest `10. 'And so people
are taking other people`s horses and it`s just so
unfair!¨
Furthermore, in the last few days, managing
and riding the horses has actually begun causing
more injuries among Kenyon`s student-athletes,
another cause for concern for the athletic and
larger Kenyon communities.
'Take it from me, friend,¨ said football defen-
sive end Brett Wells 11, 'it`s not easy dismount-
ing a large animal with a torn ACL. Of course,
I`d prefer to just have a horse, regardless, like
everyone else,¨ he added, pointing to his donkey.
(From EQUESTRIAN: Page 1)

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