By Satchmo Dirk Jerkins

GAMBIER — Last weekend, our Lord in
Heaven decided to squat over His divine toilet
bowl and plop a majestic pile of snowy God-
shit all over our beautiful campus. The creator
of Heaven and Earth fnally graced Kenyon
with the starry content of His bowels after 8
long months of poopless weather. The deifc
dookie-blast is being touted as one of the most
severe in Kenyon history, with Campus Safety
issuing a level-two poopies advisory following
the shitstorm.
“We’ve shut down the roads for now,” ex-
plained Head of Safety & Security Bob Hooper
on Saturday. 'Too many students have gotten
stuck in this crappy swill.”
Many students reported an initial surge of
jubilance at the frst signs of God`s giant turd-
storm on Friday. 'It was magical,¨ exclaimed
Jonas Jonason `13, a California freshman previ-
ously unfamiliar with the fruits of God`s mighty
bunghole. 'My hallmates and I went sledding at
the BFEC!¨
The student body joyfully engaged in fing-
ing balls of holy shit at one another all night
and sliding along streams of hallowed doodie
the following day. Freshmen sat in class day-
dreaming about rolling and diving through the
Lord’s excrement, and Joe Hanford ’13 even
called home to tell his parents how beautiful the
shit piled outside his window was.
“Behold,” declared God in a recent press
release from Heaven, “I have blessèd thy holy
grounds with my excrement. For nigh on many
months hath I clenched mine buttocks frmly,
containing the rumbling and gurgling within.
But lo! `tis a righteous day for mine children of
Earth! Rejoice, my offspring, for I hath anoint-
ed thy heads and lips and ears with a graceful
poop from above!¨
“I don’t mean to dis Him,” said Hooper, “but
it was a little uncool. We just weren’t prepared
for this dump. We were so concerned with the
sneeze in Haiti.”
Meteorologists warn that God plans to pinch
off another loaf of manna on our heads in the
coming week - a fate that some students are
groaning about. 'It was fun at frst, but I just get
so sick of it after awhile,¨ explained Chancey
DiNostro ’10. “But if He wills it, then I’m sure
it’s for the best.”
Philander’s Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip. Vol. 2, Issue 8 February 10, 2010
Upper Norton Arrives En Masse, Drinks Your Beer, Leaves
By Joe M. Amamas
NEW APTS - In arguably one of the best
displays of the tight-knit, neighborly com-
munity that calls Kenyon home, all of sec-
ond-foor Norton was drawn magnetically
to your medium-sized party, drank all of the
beer, and then left.
One of the 20-member swarm’s leaders,
Jake Lepore ’13, said, “We were pound-
ing shots of Bacardi Razz in our rooms and
looking for something to do before the Glam
Rock party at Old Kenyon, when Diego
[Smith ’13] called to tell us that he’d seen
someone going into a New Apt with a case!
Sources say that by 10:03 p.m. the pack
was standing in the middle of the road be-
tween Middle Path and McBride, where they
waited two minutes for a skinny, overdressed
girl who had tripped on her boots. The group is
reported to have stopped again at around 10:07,
this time in the road near the Health Center,
to scream very loudly at Caples. 'Yeah, I re-
member that! That was hilarious! We were so
wasted,” Lepore reminisced.
You were made aware of their arrival out-
side of your place at 10:11 by a series of crisp,
loud knocks on your door, which scared the shit
out of you and the few handfuls of friends you
had over playing Kings and Beirut. A fat hip-
ster freshman then let himself into your home,
asked who lived there, and carefully ignored
your introduction before asking if the beer was
in the fridge and letting another freshman in
behind him.
After going outside to see if there was a
crowd (there was), you returned to fnd that
that fat freshman had bypassed your Key-
stones, and given to his friends your room-
mate`s six-pack of Corona and all of the beers
from your Magic Hat Variety Pack. Many of
the little tykes had supplementary beers in
their pockets, and all of them went back out-
side immediately, except for fve girls who
stood in your corner and talked only to each
other about how lame your party was.
By 10:23 they all left, but not before spill-
ing beer on your laundry and trying to light
up a cig in your house. Reports indicate they
also tried to buy pot from your girlfriend.
'See, this is my favorite part of Kenyon,¨
said Lepore. “It took me a while to realize it,
but the whole point of going somewhere like
Kenyon is becoming part of a community: feel-
ing comfortable introducing yourself at a party,
making new friends, understanding the polite-
ness that a lack of anonymity demands, and
stealing all of a stranger`s beer like a douche-
God Takes Giant Dump On Campus
Empty Toilet Paper
Roll Still On Holder
By Dingo Rockefeller

BEXLEYS - The toilet paper roll in the bath-
room of Bexley apartment 103 has still not
been replaced, sources reported Monday. De-
spite having run out of bathroom tissue over
three days ago, no one in the apartment has
taken the time to remove the roll and replace it
with a new one.
Though each member of the four-person liv-
ing space has used the bathroom at least once
a day since the paper ran out, none have yet
placed the cardboard cylinder in the trash bin
located centimeters away from the toilet.
'Yeah, I`ve noticed [the empty roll] every
time I’m in there,” said apartment resident
Mike Flanders ’10. “Why doesn’t someone just
put a new one on?”
Fellow resident Alex Berger `10 agreed with
Flanders`s sentiment, noting, 'It`s absurd. It`s
not even one of those toilet paper holders where
you need to unclasp or squeeze something. You
just pull the roll off.”
“It takes literally four seconds,” he added.
As of press time, a new roll of toilet paper
had been unwrapped and placed on top of the
“Kenyon’s Oldest Comedy Troupe”
The Upper Norton class of 2013.
By Roy McKluskin
WIGGIN ST — A team of researchers at Johns
Hopkins confrmed Monday that all snowfakes
are not, as previously assumed, unique and spe-
Hermann Briggleby, one of the team`s fore-
most biologists, released the following state-
ment: 'Our research indicates that although
many fakes crystallize with impeccably dis-
tinct variations in texture and pattern, some
snowfakes simply don`t cut the mustard, and
are left as pale imitations of their more notable
Briggleby added that all the cool shapes have
probably been taken. “And if that’s the case,”
he said, 'what`s the point of even trying any-
The news has resonated throughout the com-
munity with mixed results. One nondescript
Wiggin Street frst-grader tried to comment
but burst into tears instead, while a Kenyon
frst-year, who might be some art student or
something, received the information with frm
denial. “There’s so much uniqueness buried un-
derneath the surface that electron microscopes
will never be able to capture,” said What’s-Her-
Face before someone grabbed the painting she
was working on, mistaking it for garbage.
“When you really think about it,” What’s-
Her-Face added, 'snowfakes all end up in a big
mushy pile anyway. I mean, you`re always go-
ing to have that snowfake that just doesn`t live
up to its stepfather’s expectations and becomes
a bitter, underpaid lab slave instead of going to
business school.”
Kenyon Director of Admissions Rosalind
Smith says her offce has suspected this for
a long time now. 'Well, it just makes sense,¨
she insisted. “Just look at our cookie-cutter
students. Nine tenths of our early-decision ap-
plicants had been to the same African country
— seventy of whom wrote essays about admin-
istering pre-natal vitamins to Liberian refugees.
And three people voluntarily submitted creative
coming-of-age stories having to do with cats.¨
“This is pretty much true every year,” she
Briggleby says his research team is back in
the lab, confrming long-denied rumors that
throwing starfsh back into the ocean just kills
them faster.
By Diesel Jackson
GUND LAB - Chet Roland `11 and Dave Fer-
guson `11 have been friends since their days
in elementary school outside of D.C. Yet in
the past few weeks, their friendship has been
strained by Ferguson`s dangerous new lifestyle,
a problem that`s plagued college campuses for
years: binge thinking.
In a new study released Thursday, the Na-
tional Institute of Health reported that nearly
72% of college students nationwide engage in
binge thinking weekly, a nearly 16% increase
from last year.
The study denotes the defnition of binge
thinking in the United States as the completion
of fve or more consecutive pages of intellectu-
ally stimulating print by men, and four or more
pages in a row by women.
According to Roland, Ferguson`s thinking
on weekends has turned him into a completely
different person. When Roland saw him pound
fve pages in 30 minutes at two different all-
nighters last week, he realized how serious Fer-
guson`s problem was.
“He wasn’t always like this,” explained Ro-
land. 'It used to be light-hearted, more social,
you know? During pledge week he would pound
down pages and we`d be screaming Fergus!
Fergus!` and it was fun. But now he`s thinking
for hours at a time. Sometimes I’ll walk into our
suite and he`ll be thinking alone in his room.
God . . . I just want my friend back.”
'It`s just Fergutron, man,¨ remarked frater-
nity brother Nathan Saul Messnar, “or at least
that`s how it was. As we were watching the
Saints annihilate the Colts in the house on Sun-
day, he drained seven chapters.”
'Chapters,¨ Messnar repeated, slowly.
However, these chapters seem to be the least
of Ferguson`s worries. Two weeks ago Roland
walked into his common room to fnd Ferguson
engaged in a 'power hour,¨ where he had saved
several of his textbooks until the hour before
the reading was due. Roland watched horrifed
as Ferguson consumed sentences, even para-
graphs by the second.
“What was I supposed to do?” asked Ro-
land. 'I crumpled to the foor and watched him
throw his life away in a short, saturated period
of time.¨ He paused and said, looking away,
'Does he know what he`s doing to himself?¨
Though his family and fraternity brothers
have tried to intervene, Ferguson is confdent-
ly comfortable with his lifestyle. A student-
organized help group for binge thinking has
e-mailed several unanswered invites to Fergu-
son. It seems as though help for Ferguson must
come from within.
'That`s just my MO,¨ said Ferguson. 'I don`t
need help. That’s how I do it. Some people
take it a sentence at a time, just one completed
thought. It`s not enough for me.
“My parents, my friends, they can try to dis-
tract me or pace me, but you can’t pace a race-
horse. Right?¨
'I do what I want to do,¨ added Ferguson.
'I`m the Ferg.¨
Fat Guy Probably A Beta
By Sgt. Clap Stormison
GAMBIER - A recent poll of the Kenyon
College student body presented strong sup-
port for the assumption that overweight ju-
nior Alex Klaurs `11 is most likely a member
of Kenyon`s Beta Alpha chapter of the Beta
Theta Pi fraternity and beyond all reason-
able doubt a member of the Kenyon Varsity
Football Team. The study’s interview process
identifed popular methods for identifying the
otherwise unknown members of the fraternity.
“I’ve always seen him South, which is
probably a defnite sign, I think,¨ stated one
anonymous participant in the survey, who also
noted his frequent presence at Peirce Hall’s
'Comfort Station¨ as clear proof of both his
Greek and athletic affliations. Another stu-
dent brought up his mealtime drink of choice-
seven glasses of blue 'Mountain Blast¨ Pow-
erade-as further evidence.
As no Kenyon student outside the organiza-
tion has ever knowingly met a Beta or attended
a Kenyon Football sporting event, the Betas`
ranks can only be established by nonmembers
through speculative tactics. The commonly-
utilized mode for identifying members of
Beta, a notoriously reclusive and insular fra-
ternity, enlists the mathematical transitive
property: “Fat Dude=Football Player=Beta.”
The survey, probably an assignment for
some Sociology class, was an attempt to track
down acquaintances of Klaurs for questioning,
an endeavor that proved, ultimately, fruitless.
“We don’t know any Betas. I think only Betas
know Betas,” observed survey conductor Sa-
mantha Charlesbad `10, who also called atten-
tion to the “eery” resemblance of the fraternity
to “the Masons or some National Treasure shit
like that.”
Though popular support faltered in Novem-
ber when Klaurs opted for a weather-appropri-
ate fannel, causing many to believe his weight
to be an ironic “hipster” fad and assume his
campus residence lay further north, his choice
of sandals and a Bonnaroo T-shirt for the fol-
lowing day`s 20° F weather promptly quelled
these rumors.
Despite students’ best efforts to ascertain
the fnal answer to the survey, which primar-
ily consisted of drinking seven Miller High
Life beverages and drunkenly accosting him
with the query while en route to Old Ken-
yon, sources were still unsure at press time.
Quipped one such inquirer: 'He`s a fat guy,
and fat guys are always Betas. I think.¨
Kenyon, Wiggin Rocked By Snowflake Uniqueness Study
Study Reports Increase In Binge Thinking
Spicy Short Side lover seeks Bexley belle
to share VI couples` night, Ascension study
breaks, Farr cigarettes. Ready to valiantly de-
fend you from market guys` quips. Are you
the Demi to my Ashton? Contact via allstu.
After four long years, I`m fnding my prized
New Apt. a little lonely. Meanwhile, you’ve
been living it up in sorority housing. I hear
things are a lot hotter down south. Long walk
of shame is not an issue. Hit me on Twitter.
You are: always in the Library for the nerd
bell. Often found napping in Peirce Pub.
Toasting pop-tarts every morning in Watson
Lounge. I: take forever at the salad bar. Avoid
eye contact in the Caples elevator. Call me?
Students Faculty
Paula Turner
Asssociate Provost
Matt Troutman
Associate Housing Director
How did Hitler tie his
In a manner in which
they would remain tied.
In little Nazis!
Total Correct
What the little
girls said.
Brett Helmet ’10
Hannah Santa Anna ’13
Prissy Doodle ’13
Who is your
My main ho. Our parents.
Benjamin. You should
know that.
Oh, goodness! *faints* Like a fruit.
Why does the Sun rise in
the East?
It settles in a hner
location, man.
Because daddy drinks until
Did he really
quote RHCP?
Earth’s rotation on its
axis and in the galaxy.
What is Canada best
known for?
En masse French
Canadian Bacon.
Their bacon! That
was easy.
Also, did that
guy pass out?
Two. Three.
One (TKO).
Totals so far:
Students: 14
Faculty: 21
By Beauregard Beauregard
TOMSICH - On Monday morning Adrian
Hoyer `13 interrupted his Biology of the Fe-
male Sexuality class to announce that he has
been reading a lot of Nietzsche in another class
and thought that there was really a lot of over-
lap going on there. For the next ffteen minutes
he proceeded to give an overly simplistic and
generalized account of Friedrich Nietzsche`s
extensive and notoriously complicated body
of work Beyond Good and Evil, making du-
bious connections between his thoughts on
eternal recurrence and the discussion on cel-
lular mitosis that had been taking place before
Hoyer’s interruption.
'He was hiding a book behind the lip of his
desk so that he could read without the profes-
sor noticing,¨ recalled Ella Rosewood 12.
“Whenever he looked up and actually paid at-
tention he would laugh to himself like he was
in on some kind of private joke. Pretty much
the most obnoxious thing in the world.¨
This was, of course, even before he steered
the class`s attention away from biology and to-
wards himself and his own personal interests.
“It was typically freshman, and typically
male,¨ said Professor Kathryn Edwards,
whose lecture was interrupted by Hoyer’s di-
gression. 'This is why men -- sorry, boys -- are
encouraged not to talk in this class. They don`t
even care.”
Others have been equally unforgiving for-
giving. Since the event, Hoyer`s girlfriend,
Josephine Jones ’13, who is also in the class,
has lost much of her former affection for him.
'I thought it was a serious lapse of char-
acter,¨ she said. 'At frst I was so stoked that
Adrian cared so much about the female biolo-
gy. I thought it showed a lot of maturity. Little
did I know he would use it as a mockery, as a
forum for his silly, eager-minded brain.¨
'I`m having serious doubts,¨ she added.
'He`s not who I thought he was.¨
“I’ll tell you who he is,” chimed in Profes-
sor Juan De Pascuale. “He’s just another one
of you nerdy Kenyon aspiring-writer-type los-
ers who didn`t have enough sex in high school.
Nobody teach this kid anything about Foucault
or we’re all fucked.”
By Blake Williams ’11
Did you fll out a Data Match
quiz at Peirce? Did you re-
spond 'cheesecake, fudge sun-
dae, and pie à la mode” to the
question, “What dessert are
you?¨ even though you were
limited to only one answer?
Did you get discouraged when
your most compatible match
was someone who flled out the
quiz as Bryan Shelangoski`s dog?
I don’t care.
Around campus most have described me as
'gay,¨ 'defnitely gay,¨ 'gayer than that scene
in Pulp Fiction with the sodomy,” and “the
Unity House kid.” Just to reiterate, ladies, be-
ing gay means that I like having consensual
sexual relations with men. So you also cried at
the TV movie about Judy Garland`s life--you
are still a woman. And I still don’t like you.
I wore a dress and thigh-highs to the Love
Your Body Day fashion show. You wore the
same thing to Biology class the day you let
Logan Chase [`12] cheat off of your quiz,
hoping that he would say 'hi¨ to you at the
DKE party later that weekend. Besides, he re-
ally needed that QR credit. Either way, don’t
dance your frustrations out on me when Logan
makes out with the quiet girl who dressed as
a Disney princess for Halloween. I mean, at
least your Spongebob Squarepants costume
got some laughs, right?
I’m sorry I was the only one who noticed
that you spent an hour and a half straighten-
ing your hair last weekend. But please don`t
show your gratitude by trying that new tech-
nique you learned on “How to Make Out,” the
YouTube video. It`s too bad the barber at Best
Cuts made so many mistakes - otherwise I
wouldn’t have noticed your hair at all.
Nietzche “Really Onto Something,” Reports Freshman
Look, I Like Hooking Up With Dudes, Okay?
. . .
. . .
Campus Wall-Hater Am-
bivalent Towards Door
By Ruth “Thundercat” Bubis
NEW APTS — Outspoken wall-hater Amanda
Herrington-Fields 11 initially had nothing to say
about the door to the New Apartments laundry
room in an interview last Friday. When pressed,
she noted mixed feelings. 'When that door is
closed it’s an awful lot like a wall. But when it’s
open, it’s less so. When it’s ajar, I don’t know
what to do.”
'All I do know is I hate walls,¨ Herrington-
Fields added.
As of press time, the door had no comment.
Luther Honeybucket’s Valentine’s Day
Tips for Slurp-Lovin’ Your Steady Susan
By Luther Honeybucket
As Mee-Ma Honeybucket used to tell me, “Wom-
enfolkles ain`t nothing but cabbage and lice and
everything nice.¨ Well, Mee-Ma weren`t too
wrong, and with that naked fy-baby Cupid fxin`
to pierce your pecker, you best tune your hearin’
horn to Ole Lip-Lickin` Luther because he`s got a
skunk’s belly full of advice.
1. Honeybucket’s Heart-Twitterin’ Tonic. One
tug of Honeybucket`s tonic`ll make your Horny
Hatilda or Lusty Lorna spread her cheeks like a
chipmunk chowin’ one stinknut too many. Don’t
forget: take three ladles of crawdad tears, a nose-
fllin` of tadpoles and a drop of muskrat menses,
mix it all together with a half-barrel of tickle-burr
whiskey and rub it on her milk bags!
2. If you’re more of a traditional feller, why not
chirp your girl this ditty:
Sa-loo, sa-lai, sa-loo, sa-lai
I’ll trade you my heart for an old pork pie.
Flipperdy-do, and a-ßipperdy-dire,
Give me your tongue or I'll set you afre.
3. If all else fails, drop your ale-stained footsie
long johns and give miss Lady Girl a long, hard
stare at your meat-whistle.
And remember, folks, if her father choked his-
self on a swamp nugget, SHE AIN`T KIN.
My Girl . . . . . . . . . . . Skeeter Demiglace
Miss You . . . . . . . . . . . Sheridan Whiteside
Cutie Pie . . . . . . . . . . . . . Diesel Jackson
Neat . . . . . . . . . . . . Luther Honeybucket
Let’s Kiss . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Gordelo 3000
WWW.Cupid . . . . . . . . . . . Charlie Adams
All Mine . . . . . . . . Beauregard Beauregard
I Wish . . . . . . . . . . . . . Eegull Eggelstein
I Do . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Granny Hayes
URA10 . . . . . . . . . . Satchmo Dirk Jerkins
Be True . . . . . . . . . . . Esteban Sinclaire
You’re Tops . . . . . . . . . Dingo Rockefeller
Fax Me . . . . . . . . . . . . Jean Shortz
Dream On . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ed Strictly
Love Me . . . . . . . . . . . . . Gurl Wulf
Amore . . . . . . . . . . Sgt. Clap Stormison
How Sweet . . . . . . . . . Helga G. Pataki
Lover Boy . . . . . . . . Joe M. Amamas
You + Me ? . . . . . . . . Clams Casino
My Hero . . . . . . . . . . .Roy McKluskin
Hello . . . . . . . . Ruth “Thundercat” Bubis
Consultant . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Necco
Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis Francis
Albert Victor Nicholas Collegiate, 1st Earl Col-
legiate of Ohio, KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
By Janice Reynolds ’10
Excuse me, could I talk to you over by the pasta
line for a minute? Yeah, you in the sweatshirt
and the Timberlands. It’ll only take a second,
I promise. Thanks so much, I just didn’t want
the rest of Pierce to have to hear this. It’s no
biggie, really. I just wanted to say that if you
ever cut me in the chicken tender line again, I`ll
panini press your dick.
Yeah, you heard me, tough guy. I will fatten
your penis using that white-hot iron griddle.
I know I don’t look like much in my Ske-
chers and Middle Path hoodie, but if there’s
one thing that lights my cock-crunching fre,
it`s assholes like you trying to squeeze ahead
of me on chicken tenders day. You see, like
everybody else, I only get to eat chicken ten-
ders twice a semester, so you can bet your sack
I’m not about to let you slip ahead of me only
to dump an entire chicken on your tray. Look
me in the eyes-you see that? Yeah, that`s my
shaft-squashing stare. And you can bet your
sweet ass I`ve stomped bigger skin futes than
Oh yeah, totally. I’m sure you were only try-
ing to ask your friend a quick question about
practice later. It`s funny how you asking,
“Dude, what time is, uh, practice or whatev-
er?¨ with that big shit-eating grin on your face
lasts just long enough for you to skip out on
the twenty-minute wait, huh? Yeah, real funny.
Funny enough to keep me laughing until that
girl over there fnishes melting the cheese in
her quesadilla. Guess what happens then?
Yeah, that`s right. Crunch time.
So why don’t you take your tray and the two
cups of Blue Mountain Blast you’re double-
fsting there and back it the fuck up, all the way
to the end of the line. If you don’t, I swear on
this frozen tortellini I`ll fatten your wiener un-
til it stretches from the Comfort Station all the
way to Veggie-Safe Zone.
And trust me, I’ll be sure to non-stick spray
your balls, not the press.
Leno To Replace Samuels
As Talk of the Hill Host
Senior Fandango: Una
Noche to Remember
By Sgt. Clap Stormison
PEIRCE PUB - NBC shocked the nation on
Monday by announcing its intent to replace
Joshua Samuels ’12 with professional talk show
host Jay Leno on Talk of the Hill, Samuels’ pop-
ular YouTube talk show. The network cited the
necessity for swift decision-making as their pri-
mary impetus for their choice of replacement,
explaining that the time slot of 2 semi-annual
airings will be 'a better ft¨ for Leno.
In a press conference held Monday in Peirce
Pub, a spokesperson defended the surprise
move as “a necessary step to insure that Talk of
the Hill maintains its competitive edge . . . Only
Leno can truly do justice to an interview with
illustrious personalities like Kenyon`s latest as-
sociate provost or visiting stand-up comedians.
He will be up there, every 3 months or so, to de-
liver the necessary punch to what could prove
to be a very lucrative franchise.”
Though Michaels has released no comment
yet, the blogosphere has erupted in defense of
his position. Immediately following the press
conference, the popular entertainment blog began a list of Jay Leno`s faws, cit-
ing his inferior dancing and more conventional,
question-based interviewing style among many
“I mean, does [Leno] even listen to Mariah
Carey?¨ asked another like-minded blogger,
who also noted the dearth of artsy glamour
shots in the intros to Jay Leno’s previous pro-
grams. In response, publicists from the Leno
camp released an apparently candid video of
the host excitedly goading former Supreme
Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg to perform
Lady Gaga`s 'Bad Romance¨ dance.
Many expect Samuels to respond via the
show`s YouTube channel, the offcial Talk of
the Hill blog, his personal and offcial Face-
book and Twitter accounts, and by Student Info
in the coming week.
By Señor Fandango
Buenos tar-
des, my ami-
gos. I expect
you are, como
se dice, sur-
prised to fnd
me writing
you. For I
only appear
when the
moon is at her
most tender
and the coy-
otes stretch
their necks to
the sky in one
rich yell.
But on this viernes, it shall be mas diferente.
This viernes, the señoritas must go un-seduced
and Capitán Rivera un-hurled-from-the-top-of-
el-Bell-tower, for Señor Fandango rides West
to el Gambier. For on this noche, my niños, this
Señor shall be honored at his very own Señor
I remember as a niño salting jamón in the
shop of my padre, sipping sangria, taking si-
estas, and reading Don Quixote as the city ran
rife with corupción—I vowed then that I would
leave this humble vida for a vida more, como
se dice, loca. I vowed that all would know the
name Fandango, and now it is a realidad.
I will fnd my way across land and agua, con-
quering all toros, burros and gatos in my path,
never ceasing until I have reached my festa.
My legacy will outlast even the most grande
legacies-even that of the dastardly Señor Soi-
It may be difcil, but I swear yo will reach tú
before the cock’s crow.
By Helga G. Pataki
PEIRCE SERVERY - In an effort to econo-
mize but also provide students with a healthy
food option, Kenyon`s dining service recently
began serving organic gluten-free gruel to the
college`s students.
'As employees of AVI, we are passionate
about innovation,¨ AVI`s manager Stacy Da-
mien said about the decision to replace the tra-
ditional hamburgers and veggie burgers with
the new alternative selection. “Trust me, this is
not the gruel of a nineteenth century Dickens`
workhouse for orphans. Ours is a twenty frst
century gruel, made from the freshest oats of
Ohio for the fnest students of Gambier.¨
Some students fully support the change.
'This is better than anything I could have ever
hoped for. Eating gruel is so ironic,¨ Leah Vern-
meyer `10, a sedulous vegetarian, told reporters
last Wednesday. According to sources, Vern-
meyer has been lobbying for a more health-con-
scious food option since the beginning of her
freshman year. Vernmeyer, also an avid weaver
and hydroponic botanist, added, “We have to
remember that gruel used be a staple of the hu-
man diet, so I really feel like I`m connecting on
a gustatory level with my ancestors when I eat
it. God, this is so Kenyon.¨
However, not all students are as pleased as
Vernmeyer with the burger-gruel swap. Pete
Smaske 11, a Delta Phi, claimed to speak for
his entire fraternity when he said, “Are you
fucking kidding me?¨
Still, AVI`s Damien remains confdent with
her organization`s decision: 'We are the only
food provider that has the ability to reach out-
ward into the unknown and discover, or, in
this case, re-discover, products that have the
potential to shape lives. I truly think our gruel
can do that for Kenyon`s community.¨ Damien
added, 'Look out for hardtack biscuits-with an
optional maggot cous-cous-coming soon to the
International Zone.¨
Peirce To Offer Organic Gruel

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