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Vol. 3, issue 8
January 26, 2011
Class of 2011 To “Totally Rule The School”
By Granny Hayes GAMBIER — Kenyon College’s Class of 2011 is poised to rule the school more than any other before it, reported sources yesterday. With their last semester on campus beginning, the class’s four hundred-odd members have already started a buzz. Having just arrived back on campus in his Bexley apartment, Ray Bulder ’11 claims to be more psyched than ever. “I spent break chilling outside of the Chick Fil-A at Bridgetown Mall,” said Bulder, “kicking it with my friends and getting pumped for second semester of senior year. Class of ’11 is the shit.” Like Bulder, the rest of the senior class claims to have great things in store for the upcoming months. “A whole bunch of us are going to fill up water balloons,” reports class representative Sophie Murray ’11, “and chuck them from the third floor of As-
InsIde ThIs Issue
New Kenyon Admissions Brochure: “Three Cool Kids For Every Dork”
cension at anyone in Jazz Ensemble, Chamber Singers, Model UN, the Food Co-op, and anyone who lives in Mather or has glasses with thick frames,” said Murray. “Dorks will be eating shit until May,” Murray added. And the senior hijinks don’t end there. Theresa Gold ’11 is helping organize a senior skip day. “Come
Two seniors preparing for a legendary semester.
April 14th, a whole bunch of us are skipping class to hang out in Middle Ground,” said Gold. “Some people are also going to smoke cigarettes and then go places on their skate boards.” For many seniors, though, the fight to be undeniably cool and legendary
Political Science, Philosophy Double Major Presents Thesis on Postmodern Warfare Really Thirsty Kid Drinks Peirce Waste Bucket New Apartments Deodorant Thief Still at Large
Continued on page 4.
“Gund Diet” Fad Grips Campus
By Helga G. Pataki GAMBIER — According to a recent report published by a bunch of dudes hanging out in Gund, a new fad diet stressing high–sugar, low–nutrient is gaining traction among Kenyon students. The study examined the alleged student fad of only eating vending machine products provided in the basement of Gund Commons. The Gund Diet!, a term coined by Gary Schumacher ’12, focuses on convenience and the ingestion of Yellow-5 instead of losing weight. Implementation of the diet resulted in an increased heart rate, sweaty limbs and a higher likelihood of fainting. However, according to participants, these effects were overshadowed by an “unmatched happiness” at having their hunger gratified for 75 cents.
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The Kenyon Collegiate is looking for new writers! E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org to apply!
By Elgin Marbles According to James Boyd ’11, The Gund Diet! is about “living well, loving what you eat, and hating yourself.” A statement released by Boyd’s girlfriend reveals that Boyd spends approximately 92 percent of his time TRELEAVEN HOUSE — Professor Beth Wyland’s advanced Willa Cather seminar went from literary to incendiary Thursday afternoon when Campus Safety shut the class down after a small chunk of schrapnel tapped a window of the nearby Campus Safety office. “I wanted to offer the kind of single-author, career-survey meticulous ‘why-are-you-reading-my-diary’ brand of seminars most English students can only dream of,” said Professor of English Beth Wyens. “The class was anxious to get at Cather’s meat.” “Who isn’t hungry for a little Cather?” she said. “There’s so much to chew on with her. I knew she’d be hot, but things just got out of hand.” According to enrolled students, class began predictably. “People trading stories of their first time, My Án-
Seminar Turns Violent As Willa Cather Gets Physicalsaid tonia, you know, soft-core stuff,”
Implementation of the diet resulted in sweaty limbs and a high likelihood of fainting.
studying in Gund. She declined to verify his claims that he has slept for less than three hours in the past five days. “Here’s the secret: my superhuman ability to stay awake is not natural at all,” confided Boyd. “I owe it all
Greg Magonis ’11. “But when Maggie [Prince ‘13] admitted she’d only read one of her short stories, Brandy Marquee ’12 sort of chortled, and I knew it was about to get messy.” “Prince’s decision to enter ‘Cather’ at all was admittedly risky business,” said Wyens. “I told her that it was going to be long and hard, hard and long,” continued Wyens, “that the harder it got, the longer it would feel. And the longer it got, the harder it would feel. She seemed like a mature girl. I thought she could take it. But when I asked the class why they found Cather attractive, things just got too hot too fast.” Sources who wish to remain anonymous reported that in the middle of Prince’s answer, Marquee made clear she doubted Prince’s supposed “love
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Dan Can’t Wait To Hear About Your Break The Collegiate Guide To A Better Semester
By Clams Casino and Sheridan Whiteside GAMBIER – Dan has been waiting all of break to hear about your break, report sources. “Hearing about people’s breaks is my favorite thing,” confirmed Dan. “I keep an extra advent calendar just to count down the days till I get back to Kenyon.” Known for his warm smile and lingering hugs, Dan prepares for each encounter with relish. “I have a huge stack of index cards with great personalized questions like ‘Did you go home?’ and ‘Did you take your car?’”
Dan has caught up with most people, but continues to run into some he hasn’t seen yet.
The campus experienced a general feeling of welcome and good will in the days after break thanks to Dan’s attentive questions and caring demeanor. “Actually, that guy’s kind of a weirdo,” commented Kenny Alder ’13. “I mean, who really gives a shit about what anybody did over break? Most people just ask because it’s polite, but he seems to derive some sort of sick pleasure from it.”
Dan catalogues his encounters in a zippered binder he keeps in a backpack he wears around his front. “It’s closer to my heart this way.” “I told him about meatloaf dinner at my Aunt Marge’s house in Westchester,” continued Alder. “He seemed really interested.” Dan has caught up with most people on campus, but continues to run into some people he hasn’t seen yet. “Oh, wow. That sounds like you had a great break,” he was heard to remark. “Anyone want to hear about mine?”
Dan, eager to hear about your break.
1. Challenge yourself with stealthy public drinking! Whether you’re onstage during a Cornerstones show or presiding over a tenure hearing, you’ll feel better after you’ve had a wellearned taste. 2. Eat dinner alone. When’s the last time you checked the NewScope? 3. Have sex with your roommate. Why not take some time out and bond? 4. Put on some weight. Eat more fried and frozen foods. Kenyon has no swimsuit season, so we’ll be none the wiser. Don’t forget the butter. 5. Masturbate in a carrel. Doesn’t even have to be yours. 6. Send your exes Valentine’s Day candygrams. They won’t know, and all you’ve got to do is pretend. No harm, no foul. 7. Drive everywhere! Sooner or later you’ll live in a city and use public transportation. Walk then! Drive now! Besides, it’s a driving campus if you want it to be! 8. Start a long book and don’t finish it. First four pages are al-
ways the best. How about Jonathan Franzen — he’s coming, right? 9. Nap someplace you haven’t! Your professor’s office, the common room of that kid in your anthropology class, under a table in the bookstore! Go ahead, you deserve to look a little crazier! 10. Gaze sadly at couples in MiddleGround from outside, while it’s snowing. They’ll understand. 11. Sit in the bookstore and read your textbooks! Without buying them! And be sure to indulge in snacks gratis, too. If it were wrong, they’d make it harder to do! Save your pennies for numero uno! 12. Get a big dog. Great Dane, St. Bernard, whatever. Just get it in there, and don’t let it out. 13. Stop taking the drugs you’ve been taking, and start taking a bunch of different drugs. Can’t let the ol’ brain get complacent. 14. Poison someone. College is the safest place to get poisoned. Plus, your major department isn’t getting any smaller.
Freshman “Opens Mind’s Eye, Or Some Shit” At New Apts Party
By Gunderson Threeply NEW APTS — Safety and Security has finally released a statement concerning the tremors many students felt on North Campus last weekend. According to the press release, the tremors in question were caused by no less than the birth of a new party god: Francis Muholland ’14. The ascension to the party pantheon was reported to be the keynote of an otherwise mundane New Apts party. Junior Allen Dowl ‘12 described the scene, saying, “I was hanging around F-3, putting the moves on this honey who’d just gotten back from Croatia, when there was this blinding flash of light and a primordial scream that upset the fabric of time and space. I turned around to look and there was this dude floating in midair, surrounded by a crackling nimbus of party energy. I looked into his eyes and I could see that he was the Alpha and the Omega of bitchin’ keggers.” Muholland, awash with his newfound powers, proceeded to transmute the apartment’s record player (which had up until this point been playing Merriwether Post Pavillion by Animal Collective) into a “totally boss-ass sound system complete with huge subwoofers blasting this awesome dubstep version of ‘Space Oddity’ by David Bowie,” according to Bartleby Studebaker ’12. Sophomore Julie Harken ‘13 reportedly spent more time with Muholland than others at the party. “I’m at this totally lame party, same as any other weekend,” she recalled, “and this floating guy offers to, like, take me around the universe or something. So we go into the bathroom and start hooking up, but before I knew it we were getting busy in a quasar. It was pretty hot I guess, but I think I left my panties in the Horsehead Nebula.” Those close to the epicenter of Muholland’s transformation lost things more dear than a simple pair of panties. “I just saw him slug back his sixth Four Loko Uva Berry, and the next thing I knew my retinas were cauterized by the sheer force of the latent party energy that drink unleashed in him,” Holly Lee ’14
said. “The doctors say I’ll have ‘Four Loko’ etched onto my field of vision for as long as I live.” Muholland’s close friend and roommate Jeffry Jeffries ’14 shared a similar story: “I tried to stop him, tried to cut him off, you know? But he banished me to the Party Dimension for my insolence. I don’t know how long I was in there, but the Health Center tells me that I’ve got the lungs of a five-pack a day smoker and a
Muholland, departing from New Apts during his fateful night (artist’s rendering.)
liver like Gregg Allman’s — I’ll be lucky if I live past twenty-five now.” Muholland, however, could not be apprehended for his gross misuse of party power — he left F-3 shortly after he arrived, off to seek a better party that was allegedly just getting bumping in the Andromeda Galaxy. His reported last words before he launched off into the night sky were, “Don’t be a dick, and always remember to party hearty.”
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This Class Will Blow Your Fucking Ass Off
By Professor Terry Caplan
I want to welcome you all to ANTH 492 — Political Anthropology. I’m happy to see that so many people are interested in this class, and I’ve got high hopes for our semester together. Before we begin, though, I want to say one thing: this class is indeed a 400-level seminar, and it will be difficult. So if you’re at all worried about your semester, or if you’ve got a heavy workload already, consider this your warning: this class will blast your fucking ass off your body and into outer space. I don’t mean to insult any of you. I see plenty of upperclassmen in the room, and I’m sure you’ve taken more than your fair share of absolutely nutsack-annihilating seminars and lectures. And as for you sophomores, I invite you to stay if you’re up for
the challenge. But make no mistake: there will be times when the readings for this class will shatter your goddamn glasses and blow your eyeballs clear out the back of your skull. And if that sounds like too much for you, you’re free to go. Don’t get me wrong: I’m very excited about the syllabus I’ve planned out. This is the first time we’ve offered this class, and some of the readings are even new to me. That’s right: at times I’ll be right alongside you, having my balls scorched to ashes by this fucking ferocious material. And the rest of these books? I haven’t read most of these since grad school — a time when I suffered through more than my share of nightmare deathclasses that shredded my bones and flesh. Still feeling that one. Of course I’d be just as happy to see you all rise to the occasion here. Frankly, I’d like nothing more than to read through your response papers and find my own skull and spine vaporised by your insight. And if you do make it through with your face, nuts, and ass intact, I guarantee they’ll be nothing but stronger because of it. But if any of you crawl into my office in March saying, “Professor Caplan, that midterm just obliterated the Earth and its atmosphere,” or whining about the sweet release of death and nothingness, you can’t say I didn’t warn you.
What’s The Deal With Beards?
By Chet Pastino
Hey there, beauties and beasts. So I’m walking around campus, takin’ it easy, and what do I notice? All of a sudden, out of nowhere, everyone’s got a beard! And I say, you know, I says, “WHOA. What is this, ZZ TOP?” Heyo! But seriously, folks, all the fellas sportin’ that face hair — and don’t act like you haven’t seen the girl with the mustache! I think she’s in the front row! The HUMANITY! I’m thinkin’ it has something do to with this whole “study abroad” thing I keep hearing about? I tell you, I’d like to study a broad — or THREE! But, anyway. These guys with these beards, it’s like, where did you study,
on the Rock of Gibraltar, at Neanderthal University? Did you take a seminar with Smokey the BEARD? Come ON! This is the twenty-first century. Go Twitter something! This lady knows what I’m talking about. Maybe it’s an English major thing. Like, yeah, growing that face-marmot out into a nest counts for two units towards your major, right? Like it’s SO scholarly. It really speaks for itself. “I’ve read Ulysses! I’ve read it! Wait, no, I actually WROTE it!” I bet they keep all those fancy words and phrases in their BEARDS. You know, sometimes I wish I could grow a beard. My Moms always told me . . . Bless her heart! Ha, yeah RIGHT. Woman is a witch. Anyway, so she says, “Chet, with a face like that, not even a beard coverin’ it could make this mama love it!” Mama Pastino! My old man had a beard. What a lady! I mean, I don’t want a beard — I want to get BEERED. Who’s with me? Ladies? Like last night, I’m pounding back the brewskis and my girlfriend’s like, “Slow down, Chet.” And I’m like, “No way, José.” Except her name isn’t José. It’s Nancy. Let me tell you, Nancy’s got great lips, except she has to apply her lipstick with a PAINTROLLER. Come ON! And what about those sideburns? More like sideFERNS. God! Tame those things!
Mulligans: The Collegiate Guide to Breaking Things Off Gently
By Roy McKluskin’ Using your mulligan can be hard, but eventually everyone has to go through the process of severing a professorstudent relationship mid-semester. It can be hard on both parties, but it’s better than staying in a situation that isn’t working. The late–night fights over extensions, the shame when you see them after you’ve skipped their class — it all has to end. Luckily, The Collegiate is here with our handy guide to dealing with the WL in all its forms. length specified on the syllabus and due a week earlier. I’m just dumb.” Do you find yourself saying things like this? Wearing sunglasses and large hats to cover your red ears and tear–stained eyes from your friends after lecture? If this is the case, mulliganing is going to be hard, but it’s also going to be necessary. When initiating the conversation, try to bring up the subject in a public place, so they won’t overreact. If they try to convince you to stay or offer an extra credit assignment, remember how they halved your participation grade because you went to the bathroom one time. thusiasm is contagious, and his voice is so soothing. You‘re a freshman, but you know you’re going to to get through every assignment. repairing things.
Remember: mulliganing is going to be hard, but it’s also necessary.
By the end of the class you’re going to be majoring in Pre-Greek societies and he is going to be your advisor . . . And then comes the day when you have to go into his office and explain that you need to drop the course because you haven’t turned in any of the papers and have failed all the quizzes in spite of your lively class participation. Be warned: before you mulligan this class, you need to know that there is no going back. If “I love hearing you speak, but I don’t care about anything you say” is what you’re conveying, then there’s no possibility of
You didn’t care about macro economics on the first day of class and you sure as shit don’t care about it now. It doesn’t help that the professor has turned out to be a crazyboat who loses your assignments. In this case, we have no advice. You know what to do. Go forth.
Running Into The Spurned:
The Flee From Abuse:
“She gave me a D on the midterm, but she’s always so friendly when I go to her office hours.” “He taunts me in class, but said that with just a little studying I could probably come across as less of a pathetic idiot.” “I should have known that our final project would be double the
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The Bittersweet Goodbye:
You know you shouldn’t sign up for that 300-level seminar, but you’re entranced. “Theories of Legal Leadership in Late Ancient Etruscan Society” doesn’t seem that interesting, and the reading list consists mostly of technical dissertations, but his en-
The important thing to keep in mind when you run into your mulliganee — whether it be on Middle Path or at a departmental function — is to remain calm. If acknowledging their presence is too painful, a good option is to crane your neck and pretend to be looking at something very interesting in the distance. Another possibility is to wave, but don’t chicken out halfway through or you’re just going to look like you’re having some kind of spasm.
From ‘Class of ’11,’ page 1.
is a daily struggle. “Sure, graduation will be killer,” said Matt Sidsdel ’11. “Until then, I’ll be coasting through my econ class making jokes about my prof’s tie from the back row in a loud whisper. I’ll also be cheating off an Asian chick on all my multiple choice tests.” The senior class kicked off their semester of ragers last weekend at Cromwell Cottage while President S. Georgia Nugent was in New York on business. “We got drunk off of vodka from the Nuge’s oak liquor cabinet,” recalled Sidsdel. “And get this: Gus [Boone ’11] filled the empty bottles with water so that Nugent wouldn’t know any of her nice shit was missing. Totally clutch move. The only downside was an amateur act by Cindy [Martin ’11] who knocked a priceless Mayan vase off of the President’s mantelpiece.” “The place was trashed,” said Boone, “and we’ll probably get busted. But it will go down in history as the sickest party thrown by the sickest class to ever graduate Kenyon College.”
Snowfall Brings Amateur Photographers Out Of Shells
By Diesel Jackson MIDDLE PATH — The normal and bustling level of activity that adorns south campus at the outset of every semester was augmented last week with amateur photographers trying to capture the serenity of the nearly one foot of fresh snow that fell over the course of the week. In between the flashes of students hurrying to class, first and secondyear students spotted the white lawns of south campus, crouched on one knee, digital SLR poised to capture the sparkling spires of Old Kenyon, or the way the snow dances off the bare trees in the wind. “I love how it just offers itself for composition,” said Todd Miller ’14. “The artistic capacity inherent therein is mind-boggling.” “It’s almost too easy,” Miller concluded. “Almost.” “It is nice to see these kids out and about, immersed, letting free their inner artists,” said Marcella Hackbardt, Studio Art Chair and Professor of Photography. “And it’s wonderful for the Art Department. By Thursday morning there were twenty-five new students at ‘Photography I’ with Add/ Drop slips!” Many of the older students on campus continue to scoff at the younger
From ‘Cather,’ page 1.
of the word” and stressed the immaturity of those not ready to “get serious with Willa.” “I’ll admit I called her out,” Marquee said when approached for a comment, “but it’s about more than just her. It’s about recognizing what it means to be in a serious literary relationship. It’s a very sophomoric move to go from author to author, like, every other weekend. You have to make a serious commitment to make these kind of things work. Maybe I was the first to confront the issue, but I won’t be the last.” Accusations turned violent when the previously brooding and quiet Max Edgewater ’13 picked up Levy’s copy of O Pioneers! tossing it across the room and barely missing Marquee. “Next thing I know, the boys were slapping each other,” Wyens said. “It would have been more exciting were they not such fucking pansy-ass weenie boys. It was all they could do to knock each other’s thick-rimmed glasses off their faces.” “Eventually, the table was upended and the entire class had broken into a fight that spread out onto the patio. They were using the banisters as make-shift bludgeons.” “I don’t know what I could have done differently,” Wyens continued. “But I can’t help thinking it might have had something to do with that wallpaper, such a disconcerting shade of blue.”
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students, denouncing their reveling as “immature.” “It’s snow, for God’s sake,” said Mikey Lambeir ’11, rolling his eyes. “Get over it. It ain’t fartsy, it’s cold and it sucks. I haven’t been at a comfortable temperature all day. It’s freezing outside and it’s Africa-hot in every building. So dry, my skin is cracking.” “God, I miss Miami,” he continued. “I started this project about icicles on Thursday,” said Miller. “It’s so killer. I am just struck with their violence. Like that one,” he said, pointing to Ransom Hall. “Look at that
magic.” He crouched down, whipped his camera to his eye, but brought it back down to inspect it. “Oh man, my memory card’s full. I could delete a picture from this party last weekend, but what’s the point? The icicle will never be as it was just a moment ago. And that was the moment. It’s about the immediacy, the communication in that one moment. It no longer speaks to me.” He began to walk away, head down, arms in air, when he turned back to grab his camera case he had left in the snow. “Inspired,” said Hackbardt, watching Miller’s artistic struggle from her nearby tripod setup.
Miller, after missing his shot.
Style Profile: Theresa “I’m The Greatest Because I Have Bangs” Feinman
By Margaret Nesper GAMBIER — Theresa Feinman ’11 describes her personal style as “bohemian, vintagey, with a little Southwestern flavor.” I know, right? It’s like, could you be more self-involved? The Collegiate was forced to sit down with her over lunch at the Gambier Deli to discuss her so-called “opinions” on “fashion.” She ordered a fruit salad, which was like, God, we get it, you’re thin, and she didn’t even pretend to offer to pay. “I think it’s really important to find a look that represents you and that is flattering on your body,” she said, as if it was some kind of mind-blowing insight. Want a look that represents you, Theresa? How about a T-shirt that says, “I’m a condescending A-hole”? Feinman said she found some of her most distinctive pieces at thrift stores. “I love hunting through the racks and finding something really special. I got this belt for thirty-five cents,” she said, giggling like she’s so goddamn innocent. Hooray for you, Theresa. Congratulations on spending your parents’ money on weed and vinyl re-releases of Velvet Underground albums instead of clothes. Have a fucking medal. Then she said some crap about how vintage clothes have superior craftsmanship,
Theresa ordered a fruit salad, which was like, God, we get it, you’re thin.
like, yeah, sure, Theresa, that’s totally what you care about. Craftsmanship. After she finished her 2.5 pieces of cantaloupe, Feinman skipped off to join the other magical fairies in the enchanted forest because she’s just so goddamn whimsical and adorable. Then The Collegiate went to the library to do homework, because The Collegiate has to do her own work and can’t just flirt with some guy from the Horn Gallery until he does it for her. You know what? If The Collegiate got little-girl bangs and started wearing her grandmother’s jewelry, The Collegiate could be the Queen of Kenyon too. God.
Snapshot: Theresa Feinman Major: History. Real cool, Theresa. Her Style: Vintage, Bohemian Favorite Music: The National. Ugh. In Her Words: “Ooh, I’m Theresa.”
Market Scores Slam Dunk With Lake Erie Walleye
By Sheridan Whiteside GAMBIER — Three months after introducing Lake Erie walleye into the Hostess ice cream freezer, the Market reports that the oily fresh water fish has been a wildly successful addition to their varied repertoire. “It tastes like a slice of heaven,” enthused Kelly Briggs ’12. “Well, that is, if heaven bordered Detroit and smelled like expired cat food.” Due to the walleye’s popularity, the Market has removed some of its other frozen inventory to make room for more fillets. “The Ho-Hos were a big favorite, but this walleye just blows them out of the water,” said market owner Steve Wasnoski. “Move over, Choco Tacos: there’s a new fish in town.” Students and faculty alike are amazed at the versatility of the fish. “There are just so many things I can do with frozen walleye in my dorm room,” said Rebecca Sadler ’13, “like leave it in my fridge for a week and then feed it to feral cats.” However, not everyone is so enthusiastic about the scaly delicacy. “Imagine a cesspool filled with
From ‘Gund Diet,’ page 1.
to a sugary cocktail of Adderall and Monster Energy Drink. It can’t be bad for me though, because Adderall is an FDA–approved drug and Monster is part of The Gund Diet!. Plus, it has guarana in it, which grants immortality.” Sarah Lewis ’13 is especially enthusiastic about the benefits of surviving solely off of prepackaged food. “When it’s three AM and I have a paper due in five hours, there’s pretty much nothing that beats the crisp sound of a freshly opened bag of potato chips with a little Snickers on the side. Advanced tip: melt the Snickers bar in the microwave and dip the chips in the gooey sauce. Impromptu fondue!” Lewis says she prefers The Gund Diet! because of its variety: “There is always something new to try. For dinner I can have everything from the award–winning Big Texas Cinnamon Rolls to Andy Capp’s Oven–Baked Hot Fries.” The Collegiate was unfortunately unable to finish the interview with Lewis due to her subsequent loss of consciousness. She is currently recovering from The Gund Diet! in Columbus Hospital’s ICU.
industrial chemicals, sewage, lead, and the destroyed hopes and dreams of the American auto industry,” said Erie environmentalist Darren Wilkes. “Some nights I bring a box of matches out here and light the surface of the lake on fire. It burns with the fury of a recalled Ford Taurus.” Others point to the potentially questionable origin of the walleye. “Every morning I see guys with
nets scooping up the hundreds of dead fish that wash up here daily,” noted Cleveland resident Benjamin Florence. “They always load them up into trucks and drive off. I guess that’s where they’re taking them.” “I don’t know about that,” said walleye aficionado Erik Stokes ’13. “Although, I have seen a lot of dead cats around here lately.”
Nigel Hayward III, just before being filleted.
Kid You Make Fun Of Having 2010: The Year’s Greatest Poops Way More Sex Than You
By Chester Anderson By Beauregard Beauregard GUND COMMONS – Numerous reports have come in over the past week that Dennis Laurie ’12, about whom you recently made a snarky comment, is getting his dick wet on a significantly more regular basis than you are. While you’ve been busy judging him and his friends for playing Settlers of Catan, Laurie has been having the time of his life, charming students and professors alike. “Guys want to be him, and girls want to be with him,” noted Laurie’s roommate Kevin Alberts ’12. “He’s the Don Draper of Wellness.” On Sunday night, you smirked to yourself as Laurie and his friends practiced ballroom dancing in Gund. Later, walking home alone from the Cove, the laughter you heard drifting out of a Mather window was that of his third sexual partner in as many days. As you thought about texting your ex, Laurie was making yet another lover feel like the only woman in the world. “I never knew what people meant
personal poop was conceived in a remote cabin in New Hampshire over October break. Heartbreaking to witness, it gnaws at the consciousness until little else pervades. #3 September 26th, Lentz House “Big ‘n Proud” Marking the third in a series of full-length poops in Lentz House this year, “Big ‘n Proud” serves as a sweeping homage to poops past, nodding to 1968’s “The Hairy Beast” and 1997’s “Corn”.
“You’d think there would be some jealousy among the girls, but there really isn’t.”
by ‘animal magnetism’ before I met Dennis,” said the student in question. “Staring into his eyes as we foxtroted together, I felt something truly primal.” “You’d think there would be some jealousy among the girls, but there really isn’t,” claimed another of Laurie’s romances, who asked to remain anonymous. “He just loves women, and women love him.” Laurie could not be reached for comment as he was busy laying down some serious pipe. Well, it’s been another shitty year in the world of poop! Here’s our list of the top five greatest: #5 March 11th, Rosse Hall “The Diva” In 2010, “The Diva” shocked and awed, inspired and disgusted. Repulsive yet impossible to look away from, perhaps “The Diva”’s most ingenious design was that it took more than a minute to figure out what exactly you were looking at. #4 October 9th, 2nd Floor Ascension “I Am Nowhere Pt. 1” This exquisitely composed, highly
#2 November 25th, Woodside Basement “The $hit” Rancid, foul, and unforgivable are only some of the words attributed to November’s “The $hit”. Nevertheless, “The $hit”’s influence is undeniable, if unbearable. #1 May 16th, Upper Norton “The Great Colossus” With “The Great Colossus”, Upper Norton upholds its reputation for producing funky, fresh material burgeoning with eclecticism and metaphor. At once audacious and self-aware, “The Great Colossus” inspired onlookers to marvel, “That is the greatest shit I’ve ever seen.”
P l ease recycle issue b e f o r e o r a f t e r r e a d i n g.
New Studies Find Hoarding Epidemic Among College Students
By Ming Shei Huarez GAMBIER — For decades, neglected college dorms have been dominated by class handouts, bookstore receipts, pizza boxes and dried bodily fluids. However, according to many fans of reality television programming such as A&E’s Hoarders and TLC’s Hoarding: Buried Alive, dorm room disorganization might be dangerous – even deadly. After viewing a marathon of Hoarders over winter break, Caples resident Katie Yellmeyer ’12 was able to diagnose her roommate, Beth Timber ’12, as a compulsive hoarder. Yellmeyer, who has taken one semester of Intro to Psychology, assessed Timber’s mental health as “definitely abnormal.” “[Timber] has all these notebooks from freshman Quest that she’s held on to for no reason,” reported Yellmeyer. “She claims she might need to ‘reference’ them some day, but I’ve never seen her even glance through one. She obviously has attachment issues.” Yellmeyer also confirmed that Timber goes on compulsive shopping binges at the Mt. Vernon Goodwill, another symptom of compulsive hoarding. “She’ll come back with these hideous old sweatshirts and stupid animal figurines that she insists we display in our common room. And when I complain, she’s always like, ‘It’s ironic.’ What’s ironic is that I know she watches the same shows I do, and yet she’s blind to her own disease.” According to Yellmeyer’s blog, sloppiness could be a symptom of a more serious situation. “The days when college-age hoarders could hide in plain sight are ending,” Yellemeyer wrote. “Thanks to hours of dramatic, insightful reality programming, young people are getting called out on their illness.” Timber claims to have no issues with letting go of possessions or irresponsible hopping. “I took all those Quest notes, I’m not gonna just throw them away,” she said. “And the Goodwill stuff’s just a joke – you know, so ugly it’s cute? How can you pass up a framed puppies poster for only $2.99?” Timber, however, has admitted to a weakness for bargains. “Okay, fine, I’m addicted. Five cent brown bananas at the market? What a deal.” One honors English major, who wished to remain anonymous, says that her library carrel contains “mountains” of unopened, overdue library books. “Actually, I guess they aren’t really library books anymore, seeing as I now own all of them,” she admitted. “I mean, these are all great books. Totally worth $3,000.” Kurt Carson ’13 believes his roommate Chip Razzoni ’13 may have a trash-hoarding problem. Shelves of
the the pair’s double room in Hanna are lined with empty cans of Keystone Light, and Razzoni’s wine bottle collection has recently overtaken the top of his dresser. “Chip says it’s ‘decoration’ and that he’s going to build a tower out of them, like a party monument,” said Carson. “I see the can collection for what it really is: trash. ‘Decorations’ don’t smell like stale lizard urine.” Andrew Merpin ’14, seeing similarities between himself and Hoarder’s latest subject, has unsucessfully petitioned the Kenyon College Counseling Center and Residential Life to bring a professional clean-up crew to his McBride residence. “Alicia Dugas told me to just throw the trash away and do my laundry, but what she doesn’t understand
Television fans described rooms like this as “probably red flags.”
is, I can’t do that. I’m like, attached or whatever…you know? Plus I’m really busy with work,” Merpin said. Despite complaints from his hall neighbors, Merpin has no plans to clean up his act. “No way am I backing down. I’m dangerous. They’ll be sorry when the only way to enter my room is in a Hazmat suit,” he said, tossing a banana peel onto the floor. Merpin’s mother Glinda manages the upkeep of her son’s room at her home in Chicago. In a telephone interview, she declined to comment on the state of Andrew’s current residence, but admitted that her son has a history of collecting useless crap. “I still have all his Beanie Babies in a trashbag in his closet. I don’t know why he won’t let me throw them out. Maybe he is a hoarder,” she said.
From The Archives: Philander Chase Announces New Irritating College
December 17th, 1824
By Preston Montgomery MT VERNON — At a public hearing in our own town square, Bishop Philander Chase confirmed yesterday the founding of a new college just five miles east of Mt. Vernon. The new institution, which Chase plans to call Kenyon College, will be the state of Ohio’s best-endowed center of seminary learning, as well as its most irritating. Indeed, the community’s first visitors to the site reported being both awed and greatly inconvenienced by the secluded paradise. “I dreamt of a college on a hill,” said Chase, who has worked tirelessly for weeks to properly oversee the campus’s construction and ensure that it will never include late-night dining options. “The college at Gambier shall provide its students with an environment where, surrounded by nature’s peace, they can ponder a great many questions. Tiresome questions, like why the VI is closed on Sundays, or why the KAC doesn’t
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have a climbing wall.” Indeed, Chase and his team of architects have gone to great lengths in creating a beautiful, modern college. Thanks to their labor, the exquisite Gothic Revival campus will feature such annoying amenities as a set of incredibly hard-to-walk-down stairs outside Ascension and one ridiculously narrow sidewalk near the Health Center. According to Chase, long-term investments like these features will allow Kenyon College to aggravate its students well into the next century. Of special concern to the founding board of directors has been the College’s dining amenities. Even though the new village of Gambier is surrounded by a community of productive farms, concerns have been raised that a system dependent on
their healthy, high-quality wares will not provide the infuriation that befits such an institution. Chase plans to counteract this by designing insufficient water dispensers, never offering enough sugar to make sweet tea, and heartlessly closing the Grab-and-Go, once it opens. “I couldn’t be happier to be a part of the Kenyon community,” admitted Hartley Masterson, a local businessmen who, like most Mt. Vernon residents, is eager to aid the College’s irksome mission. “This is a real opportunity for our economy to become more annoying than ever before.” The Mt. Vernon Business Association, which Masterson heads, has already pledged to lend its resources to the cause by never, ever opening a Target, Starbucks, or Bank of America.
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