This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
Vol. 4, issue 3
sePteMber 28, 2011
Professor Still Being Obnoxious About Sabbatical
By Charlie Adams O’CONNOR HOUSE — Assistant Professor Paul Johnson is being obnoxious after returning from a year-long sabbatical, sources have confirmed. Johnson, a political science instructor, was awarded last June with a prestigious federal grant to research community organizing in rural Belize. Since then, he has reportedly “refused to shut up” about his experiences in the tiny Latin American nation, garnering criticism from students and faculty alike. “He just won’t stop talking about it,” reported junior Carrie Davis, a student in Johnson’s Politics of the Qur’an course. “It doesn’t matter what we’re doing, if it’s related — he’s always like ‘Oh, when I was in Belize,’ or ‘Wait, I had the weirdest conversation about this in Belmopan.’ It’s like, we get it. You went on sabbatical. I don’t wanna see the photos you took with the natives. And stop growing that little mustache.” Concern over Johnson’s behav-
InsIde ThIs Issue
Guy In Seminar Making Fifth Star Wars Analogy Of The Night
Tiny, Adorable Dog Takes Tiny, Adorable Shit On Middle Path
Johnson, recalling a fond memory from Belize.
ior reportedly began Friday in his 10:10am Quest For Justice class, when the professor paused mid-lecture to tell a rambling story about attempting to hitchhike to the Guatemalan border, including a lengthy digression about the comparatively poor quality of American rum. When met with blank stares, Johnson then spent ten minutes challenging students to translate his ornate
shoulder tattoo into English. Sources within the Political Science department paint a similar picture of Johnson’s behavior. The assistant professor has reportedly redecorated his O’Connor House office with postcards and maps of Belize, a blue and lime green hammock resembling the tiny country’s
Continued on page 3.
In Clerical Mix-up, Nuge Uses Art Building Dedication Ceremony To Announce Phling Theme
Dude Carrying Printout On A Fucking Mission
By Ricardo Carrigano GUND COMMONS — Kerry Henderson ’13 was spotted power-walking from Gund Commons toward an unknown destination with a stack of papers clenched in his right hand last Friday, sources say. Although unable to comment as to the nature of the papers, eyewitness Horatio Ingot ’14 recalled seeing “an almost horrifying sense of purpose in [Hendersen’s] eyes,” which led Ingot and others to conclude that the junior American Studies major “was, like, on a fucking mission.” Onlookers recall that, shortly after 6:45 p.m., Henderson abruptly sprang up from his terminal in the Gund Computer Lab, picked up a document from a nearby printer, and stormed out of the building. Accounts detail that he proceeded
t he kenyon collegiat e
to cut across both Middle Path and Ransom Lawn, his keen geospatial understanding guiding him along the fastest, most direct route to wherever it was he was going. “All he had were those papers,”
By Ambrosia Sweetwater
AVI Unveils New Local Woodland Cuisine
“It was kind of sexy, really. I dove into a rack of bicycles to get out of his way.”
said Gina Trivedi ’13, who encountered Henderson outside Peirce. “No backpack, no water-bottle, no travel food. It was immediately clear that he wanted to remain unencumbered so that he could maneuver more easily. It was kind of sexy, really. I dove into a rack of bicycles to get out of his way.”
Continued on page 3.
PEIRCE — In an effort to increase the local food options available in Peirce, AVI has replaced the popular “International” station with “Flavorful Flora,” serving dishes comprising various plant species native to Ohio’s woodlands. “Who wants ‘Taco Tuesdays when you can have ‘Milkweed Mondays?’” enthused Head Chef Walter Bathhouser. So far, student reactions to the change are overwhelmingly negative. The growing influx and sheer weight of written complaints has caused the comment card box to collapse from its fixture in the atrium, and many students have taken to writing on the All-Stu message board to voice their frustrations. “I thought I was putting croutons on my Caesar salad. Turns out, AVI
replaced the croutons with bits of bark from Eastern Cottonwood trees. Guess I should start reading those labels,” said freshman Randy Bogart, whose subsequent WebMD search for “damaged esophagus from swallowing sharp fragments of tree bark” turned
“Turns out AVI replaced the croutons with bits of bark from Cottonwood trees.”
up no results. Despite the backlash and barrage of visits to the Health Center for severe allergic reactions, AVI stands by its decision to serve woodland cuisine as a part of Kenyon’s initiative to use locally grown ingredients. “Allergies, schmallergies, we’re drastically reduc-
Continued on page 4.
News In Brief
Tuesday Feels Like Friday
UPPER DEMPSEY — In a shocking turn of events, last Tuesday September 17th had far more in common with the typical Friday than the typical Tuesday, sources confirmed. Kyla Singer ’13 first noted the discrepancy between the official calendar day and her own perception at lunch, alleging that she had, “two papers due in the morning but the afternoon off.” Several of Singer’s friends nodded in agreement, purporting to have had the same experience and adding, “It’s totally crazy,” before returning to chewing their food and trying to think of something else to say. In other news, several students have claimed that September has been unreasonably November-like, calling the inconsistency of nature “completely weird and unfair.”
moodle reported having at least one moodle with someone they were not in moodle with, as opposed to only 34% in moodle. Another 15% moodlingly moodled with more that two different moodles over three moodles. Moodle Kari Moodle from the Moodle Moodle suggested that, while not moodle moodling, these moodles could moodle for the moodle moodle in the moodles ahead. “Moodle need to be moodle,” Moodle moodled, “With more moodle comes a moodle of moodle.”
bu’s, expressed similar sentiments. “Kenyan cross country has become a serious and succesful establishment,” he commented. “It seemed like an obvious next step to challenge the Kenyon Lords to a match on their home turf. We hope that in the future, no one will confuse the two teams anymore. “Ehehehe,” he added.
point he had just made with a common rhetorical device. None of the students attempted to answer, and the silence continued for nearly a minute before Crutcher resumed the lecture. “You could have cut the tension with a knife,” said Peppercorn.
Kenyan Cross Country Team Laughs Out Loud At Kenyon Cross Country Team
KAC — After defeating Kenyon College’s Cross Country team last Saturday in an international meet, the Kenyan national cross country team took a moment to laugh out loud at their opponents, sources report. “We greatly enjoyed this victory,” chuckled Kenyan team captain Thomas Abiku. “Defeating the Kenyon cross country team is satisfying for us on many levels. Especially the obvious one. Hee hee hee hee.” Kalonzo Iba, a teammate of Aki-
Student Really Hopes That Question Was Rhetorical
ASCENSION — Last Tuesday, approximately twenty minutes into his 9:40 class, Professor of Philosophy Don Crutcher posed a complex, multi-part question to his students which resulted in nothing but terse silence. Among those present was Turk Peppercorn ’13. “My mind went blank,” recalled Peppercorn, “all I could think was, ‘dear God, please let this question be rhetorical.’” Turk had not completed the reading assigned for Thursday and was unprepared to answer professor Crutcher’s difficult question. Other witnesses confirmed that as Crutcher gazed around the room it was unclear whether he was looking for an answer or emphasizing the
Physics Major Realizes Kenyon Is A Liberal Arts School
HAYES HALL — Senior Physics major Jorian Hughes came to the startling realization last week that Kenyon College is in fact a small private liberal arts school, and not a large publicly funded research-based university. Hughes had his epiphany as he began applying for graduate schools and scanned the course catalogues and facilities descriptions. Hughes reported feeling shock and anger when comparing his classes with those offered by larger science driven institutions. “I took ‘The Physics of Fucking Superheroes!’” Hughes lamented, “What the fuck is that bullshit?! I could have been working with particle accelerators!” At press time Hughes was last seen atop the statue in the science quad repeatedly throwing his TI-90 to the concrete below.
GAMBIER — College officials released a report yesterday detailing how more students then ever are moodling Moodle. This report echoes a growing trend of “moodle” amongst students at moodle and moodle across the nation. In this 2011 moodle, 46% of
Breaking News: Couple In Upper Dempsey In Love
By Billy Hughes PEIRCE HALL — Earlier today, sources close to Dan Graves ’13 and Chelsea Lancaster ’13 reported that the couple are now officially in love. Many had previously suspected that something was going on between the two when they were spotted cuddling and whispering sweet nothings to each other as they ate with friends. “I wasn’t sure if they were officially together,” said friend Simon Cray ’13, “But when they started sucking face at the dining table I figured something was probably up.” The couple, who hitherto had been forced to keep their affections under wraps due to the judgement of their unfeeling and undersexed peers, expressed their deep relief that now that they are in love they can be physical in public. “I’m so happy people can now accept our passion inside and outside Peirce,” said Graves, a political science major. “Now we’re ready to show the world how we feel.” Observers confirmed that the relationship between Graves and Lancaster, which started as little more than an awkward grope in Psych 101 and an equally awkward make-out in the privacy of Lancaster’s room, has now evolved into full-fledged spooning in Peirce and heavy petting on Ransom Lawn. “When I look into Dan’s eyes I just can’t help but lose myself,” Lancaster waxed, “I see a turbulent soul that just wants to be loved, cared for, and touched.” “Especially touched,” added Lancaster. “All over campus.” Friends of the couple have also expressed their joy at the couple’s openness. “I’m happy for Dan and Chelsea, I guess,” said Enzo Lewis ’14, “But, I dunno, sometimes Dan, like, licks Chelsea’s face while she eats. They really aren’t leaving anything to the imagination.” Reaction amongst those in Peirce Hall has generally been positive, but some heartless souls have taken offense to the couple. “Oh my god,”
said Kevin Lambers ’15, “She’s crying, and he’s still trying to give her a goddamn hickey. Why? For god’s sake, why?” But the couple also announced that they won’t limit their affection to the dining hall. The two have already been sighting giving passionate goodbyes when parting for their respective 1:10 classes. “They’re acting like he’s
Lancaster and Graves broadcasting their feelings during Extendo.
going to fucking war or something,” observed Chuck Pees ’12, who has obviously never been loved so deeply that it hurts. “They’re gonna see each other again in 50-fucking-minutes.” “I think people get it,” said Graves, “Why should I have to wait until I’m alone with her to touch, kiss, and snuggle this amazing sex-goddess of a woman?”
2 p l ease
recycle issue b e f o r e o r a f t e r r e a d i n g
Reckon It’s Time I Knocked You Losers Down A Peg
By The Creative Writing Seminar Application Fiction — and you don’t look like you got no steel colon to me, fella. The group we handpicked last year was a who’s who of regional spelling bee semifinalists, top ranked babysitters and junior varsity-class athletes. What are your qualifications? “Stopped spitting up on self by age 13?” Yeah, that’s what I thought. So now you’re probably thinking, “big whoop. So it’s hard to get into the class, but once I’m in, I’m in, baby!” And it’s that kinda slapdash attitude that’s gonna have you peeing blood and crying to mommy over the phone when some kid rips you a new one in critique because you can’t tell the difference between the past participle and present subjunctive. What, you think it’s easy? Use a semicolon here, a ham-fisted metaphor there, maybe an allusion to an aborted fetus on page 4? If that’s what you think, then lemme tell you: something’s rotten in the state of Denmark, and it sure as hell isn’t Hamlet’s impacted molars. So there you have it: sorry to kick you in the ladyballs or whatever. I’m just trying to spare you the embarrassment of of getting shot down like a sucker. But hey, it’s your funeral. I’m pretty much the greatest, and when you’re off sulking because the teacher clearly “didn’t get” the three page sociopolitical commentary on the RussoJapanese War you submitted, I’ll be jet setting off to Amsterdam in my private dirigible. We look forward to hearing from you. Bitches.
Thank You, Everyone. Thank You.
By Angie Goldstein, Kenyon Review Associate
truth. A simple flick of the wrist and the gates are open to the new pioneers of the English language, a short shake of the head and the doors are forever locked. It’s a great power and a great responsibility, but I am a benevolent gatekeeper, and I am kind as I am
What an honor, to be elected to the position of Associate at the Kenyon Review.
powerful. It takes courage to look within those hallowed doors, to turn down the scores of harrowing short story submissions and masterful sestinas. Last week I felt as though I couldn’t breathe as I walked past the coffeemakers and the tiny bowls of candy corn lovingly laid out by that nice lady with the glasses. I was drowning, suffocating between the heaving bosoms of Lady Literature and the noble tradition of the Kenyon Review whose torch I bear each and every day. When I descend from Finn House, my gaze falls on the multitudes that walk Middle Path, desperately clutching pens with earnest but doomed hopes of a career in literature. I applaud their moxy, and the knowledge of their eventual failure only underscores the importance of my mission at the Review. Greatness, after all, can only prevail when the weak are culled. The journey was long, but somehow I finally feel like I’m home.
Notes From A Board
By Woody Planck
Well, well, well. If it isn’t the bucktoothed and chubby-cheeked underclassmen, lining up to take their lumps. So you saw me in your inbox and thought, “Hey, I fancy myself a writer, maybe I should take a crack at this.” Maybe you think you’re real hot shit now, a regular Maverick or Steve McQueen just because you got a callback for the Fools or ‘cos you’re in Colla Voce now or whatever. You think you got what it takes to apply to a creative writing seminar? Well I’ve got some news for you, dilweeds. So you’d better sit your asses down and shut your face holes, because I’m about to straight up cut the bullshit. I’m not gonna pussyfoot around here: you don’t have what it takes. Creative writing’s not for the faint of heart. Frankly, I’ve seen better men than you soil themselves at the sight of a Norton Anthology of American
“Wow” is all I can say. What an honor, to be elected to the position of Associate at the Kenyon Review, the world’s preeminent literary journal. It’s been a long journey – it seems like only yesterday that I was a mere student, a fawning apprentice of the word. But to stand beside my idols – as an equal no less! – my pen is for the first time at a loss for words. Mom and Dad, I know that you wanted me to major in something that made me sound like less of an “uptight little ass-weasel,” but you’ll be proud when you see the Goldstein family name inscribed next to Ransom and Doctorow in the annuls of Kenyon lore. I stand at the door of Finn House like Heimdall the Gatekeeper, proud Odin -- David Lynn -- stands beside me, clutching his mighty sceptre of
“Printout,” from page 1.
Unsatisfied with the general pace of the sidewalk traffic, Hendersen reportedly elected to walk in the middle of the street for a moment before cutting back in front of everyone else. “I said to myself, ‘Hoodaddy, that guy’s doing something, like, really important,’” recalls Jacob Katz ’12. “He even talked to me — easily the most assertive ‘Excuse me’ I’ve ever heard. That was right before he disappeared into Old Kenyon.” “What a badass,” Katz added. As of press time, details surrounding the nature of Henderson’s documents or mission are still unclear. No witnesses have yet come forth to discuss the printouts. When reached for comment on Saturday, Henderson himself gave a dismissive wave and continued staring intently at his papers.
“Sabbatical,” from page 1.
flag, and a set of iPod speakers shuffling through an ‘Island Life’ playlist. One colleague of Johnson’s expressed outrage at the professor’s newly developed Spanish accent, complaining that Johnson lived in Latin America for “not even eight months.” “I mean, you just can’t know until you’ve been there, you know?” said Johnson in an interview Monday. “Belize is just a totally different way of life. I really learned a lot about the country, about myself, about the adaptation of village-level social networks to on-the-ground democracy. Really, it’s been kind of a shock coming back to Kenyon. Everything here just moves faster, you know? And also slower, in a way.” “Un amor, un corazón,” he added.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from being a board, it’s to not believe in stereotypes. A lot of boards here in the Art Barn really go against the grain, and they’re not afraid to branch out and be their knotty selves. You really can’t judge them just because they’re different from you. Plus, when you get to know
c firstname.lastname@example.org d u
them, their bark is really worse than their bite. My own experience has been quite an ordeal. I started off as a chip of the old block, a proud son of a birch. But then I was cut down in my prime, splintered off from my family. A lot of people say I’ve gotten pretty warped as of late. I spend a lot of my time pining after that board over there, the one with the giant rings. For her, I’d try to get back on the straight and narrow. But as it is, I just kill time leaning against this wall, avoiding beavers and bandsaws, occasionally going out and planking. Or I hang out with these tools. Yeah, that’s right, I’m talking to you, hammer. Someday, I’m gonna get out of this two-bit woodshop. Finally make something of myself. Maybe a shed.
I’m Still Here, Bitches
By Adult Acne
Yo, Is That Guy Amish?
By Rick Plexington
Hey there. Remember me? You might think you’re too old for me, but honey, have you got another one coming. You and me? We’re inseparable. We’re made for each other. All those good times we had when you were younger, they’re about to be back in a big way. When you least expect it, when you think I’m at my most dormant, that’s when I will strike. One day you will wake up with something important to do, look in the mirror, and there I’ll be, staring right back at you with all the ooze and grease I possess. Sure, try to pick at me, pop me, destroy me. I’ll come back as even less flattering sores and scabs. If you even dare to pop me I will release everything
I’ve got all over your face. I will make your dates, your presentations, and, God help me, your everyday conversations a hellish, walking embarrassment. You wanna try and cover me up? Give me all the make up you’ve got, honey, I was born to be a star and I’m gonna shine all over your face no matter what you put on me. So what if you spend all day volunteering at Wiggin Street and then clearing paths at the BFEC? I don’t care what you’re doing for the common good. That’s stress and sweat right there, and you know I feed off that shit. And you think that because you wash your forehead every night I’ll leave it alone? Hell no, that’s prime real estate. All eyes are gonna be on me, honey. I don’t give a shit that you’re 21, I’m gonna fester and puss all over your face. No part of your delicate epidermal canvas will escape the touch of my oily brush; not your cheeks, not your chin, not even even your lips. Big weekend plans? Pretty ladies? Try hooking up when I’m hanging out all over your lips. You’re in for a pimple to remember, honey. And I’m looking forward to it.
my cell phone yesterday. I mean, I don’t want to be ignorant. It’s honestly totally fine with me if he is Amish, but I’d like to know. Who does he think he’s fooling? Also was he there at the film screening last week? I don’t think so. Actually, Alissa told me her friend hooked up with that dude last weekend, but he wouldn’t go to her room when he saw
What is he doing now? Is he honestly weaving a basket in class?
Yo, sorry to talk in class, but have you noticed that guy in the back? No, not the kid with the jheri curl. To the left of him. Next to the girl who always whispers the answers before the teacher says them. Yeah, the dude with the beard. Ugh, and can you smell that? I swear that his boots always have bits of manure on them. And really, what’s up with his comments? Last week he compared the struggles of the Bolivian peasantry to bringing in the pumpkin harvest. Obviously there are some parallels, but come on, don’t you think that’s a stretch? Also, I could swear he crossed himself when I pulled out her open the door with her K-card. I tried looking up his name in Gmail but he doesn’t have an account! Listen, I wasn’t quite sure before but now, looking at all of this evidence, I really think he might be Amish. Not saying I have a problem with that. All of my friends know I am 100% pro-Amish. But come on, his shoes have metal buckles on them! What’s he doing now? Is he honestly weaving a basket in class? Am I the only one who is noticing this? Sure, crafting is fairly common. But is he also jarring pickles?
Peirce Hall Facebook Page Sees Mixed Reviews
By Clifford Seldom PEIRCE HALL — In a move described by students as “hip” and “kinda strange,” the staff of Peirce Hall has begun an attempt to connect with students through the social media website Facebook. “We thought it would be a good way to update people on events in Peirce, said AVI Foodworks employee Craig Frendem, “And so far it has been great. Facebook is awesome.” Although Frendem’s enthusiasm is shared by staff at AVI, some students reportedly remain skeptical. “At first it was cool knowing the menu,” explained Dave Strand ’13, “But I don’t know, now Peirce is always posting really trivial statuses and music from two years ago.” Some have claimed that Peirce’s use of Facebook has affected staff productivity. Last Wednesday, the hearth was inactive and Chef Carol Fenton was absent. The Collegiate was able to reach Fenton during that time over Facebook chat, though she declined to comment. Her Farmville results were posted thereafter. “I’m fine with the Peirce Facebook, but sometimes they go over-
“Cuisine,” from page 1.
ing our carbon footprint and fighting invasive plant growth,” Bathouser explained. “They used grass clippings as a garnish for the Garlic Mustard Lasagna,” complained senior Timothy Hobble, “It tasted a bit like gasoline. I think they’re getting the clippings from the lawn mowers but I can’t say for sure.” Despite the change, some students remain optimistic. President of PEAS Barbara Billingsley ’12, believes that students will come to enjoy and appreciate AVI’s decision. “The Peat Moss Pesto wasn’t so bad,” Billingsley said, “So what if my tongue went numb for a few days? It’s not like humans really need their sense of taste anyway,” Another student, Lark Bolderdash ’15, was ecstatic over last Tuesday’s dinner option exclaiming, “They totally served shrooms with the grilled chicken yesterday!” When asked to comment on the campus-wide psychedelic trip, Bathouser retorted: “We thought they were morels.”
board, in my opinion,” said senior Chad Earp. “I had made my status ‘pre game at A3, let’s rage,’ and Peirce liked it and posted ‘I’ll bring the Pressed Cubano Sandwiches!’ Then some AVI employee showed up with no beer and ate my chips.” Many students reportedly feel that there is a lack of privacy since Peirce joined the Facebook world. “Last weekend I got incredibly drunk,” said Phil Banks ’15, ”When I logged on the next day Peirce had uploaded a picture of me passed out
This unfortunate photo was posted and tagged by Peirce Hall last Saturday night.
with the comment ‘I remember my first beer’. What’s worse is: my mom saw the picture.” “The world we live in today is completely connected with the Internet,” said Frendem. “Here at Peirce we are always looking for ways to improve — Facebook invitations to every meal, live tweets from the omelete bar, inter-staff Likealittles. There’s so much potential out there! We should continue this conversation over Facebook chat.”
In last week’s issue, an advertising deal with Apple Computers, Inc required us to replace every instance of the letter “k” with their logo. We would especially like to apologize to Mr. enneth araar.
2 p l ease
recycle issue b e f o r e o r a f t e r r e a d i n g
With Fall Approaching, Student Body Demands More Decorative Gourds
By Charlie Adams GAMBIER — Last Friday, the Kenyon student body released a statement heralding the onset of autumn and calling on the college to provide more decorative gourds, sources have reported. The document, which was delivered simultaneously to both the offices of AVI and the home of President S. Georgia Nugent, included charts, illustrations, and a 1600-signature petition all asserting the urgent need for more ornamental gourds in all parts of campus. “Our demands are simple,” began the statement, which was drafted by an emergency meeting of the student senate. “With autumn and the holiday season just a few weeks away, the Kenyon student body is in desperate need of more decorative gourds to adorn our surroundings. Bottle gourds, zucchinis, spaghetti squash — as long as it’s festive and sort of earth-toned, it’ll do the job. But make no mistake: the clock is ticking. We will no longer quietly suffer the indignity of having no gourds with which to festoon our homes and cafeteria.” In past years, the task of filling Peirce and other locations with decorative gourds has fallen on AVI, who in turn traditionally begin the gourdgathering process in mid- to late October. The unseasonality of Friday’s manifesto — by far the student body’s earliest ever expression of the need for decorative gourds — has therefore come as a shock to the food services conglomerate. No official statement
Freshman Still Unsure If Friend Boy Or Girl
By Chase Counterweight MCBRIDE HALL — Freshman Kyle Hoffman reported on Friday that after more than a month at Kenyon he could not accurately verify the gender of hall-mate and friend Sam Herbers. According to Hoffman, the two friends clicked quickly at the beginning of the year, but issues as to identifying Herbers’s sex followed shortly. “When I first met Sam I thought she was a girl, because she had, like, kinda longish hair,” Hoffman posited, “but then he got it cut shorter, kinda like a more normal guy length, so that really screwed things up.” Despite several attempts to crack the mystery, Hoffman reports that he still has “absolutely no idea” as to the gender of his friend. “It lives in a single, so I can’t figure it out by proxy,” Hoffman said, “So I’m just sorta Nancy-Drewing it over here.” Reports indicate Hoffman has tried calling Herbers both “Samantha” and “Samuel” when addressing him/her/it in an attempt to uncover his/her/its gender, but quietly enough that if he was wrong he could claim to have said something else. Hoffman said that he has received two responses to Samantha and three to Samuel thus far and is currently leaning towards male. “[He/She/It] usually wears kinda bulky clothing, so I can’t really get a read of [his/her/its] boobs or lack thereof,” said Hoffman regarding the lack of physical cues, “But I’ve also never seen [him/her/it] with Anna Sun Professor of Sociology
has yet been released by the company. President Nugent, on the otherhand, has been extremely vocal about the issue. “There is no cause for alarm,” she said in a recent Kenyon Collegian editorial. “I’ve read the letters, I’ve seen the petition, and I’m here to tell you: there will be enough gourds. Just yesterday I overheard John Marsh from AVI ordering a shipment of six hundred cushaw pumpkins. Before you know it, Upper Dempsey will be swimming in gourds and we’ll have have forgotten all about this.”
“Bottle gourds, zucchinis, spaghetti squash — as long as it’s festive, it’ll do the job.”
But not all students are convinced. “Of course the Nuge is telling us that the gourds are on the way,” says Andy Keever ’13. “It’s in her interest to keep us calm about the gourds. But make no mistake: behind the scenes, they’re scrambling. Because there aren’t going to be enough decorative gourds, and we know it, and they know we know it.” “Look,” continues Keever, “this isn’t like winter is coming and there isn’t enough fake cotton snow in Peirce. Gourds are a whole different ballgame. Hollowing one out, drying it, maybe tying a ribbon to the stem — that takes time that we just haven’t got. I’m praying that AVI has something up their sleeve on this one. We need decorative gourds, and we need them fast.” Hannah Santa Anna ’15 Prissy Doodle ’15
stubble, so that really puts a wrench in the gears of the male hypothesis.” Hoffman has also suggested a switch to same-sex restrooms, after originally voting for co-ed restrooms, as a surefire method for answering this mystery. When pressed about the need to find an answer to the gender question, Hoffman reported that he has plans for a last ditch “crotch shot” if all other methods fail. Hoffman hopes that this will put all doubts behind him regarding Herbers’s sex. Throughout all the confusion, Hoffman has remained positive about the future of his relationship with Herbers. “If Sam’s a guy, I think we’ll end up being really close friends,” Hoffman said hopefully, “but if Sam’s a girl, I dunno, maybe we’ll date.”
Herbers, photographed in a casual moment.
The Stolen Gamelan Gong
Hubert J. Farnsworth Professor
Totals so far: Students: 52 Faculty: 55
Is mankind good or evil? What do sailors eat for breakfast? Do we really have free will? Is there a God? Total Correct
*BWONGG* *BWONGG* *BWONGG* I’ve really learned a lot from my study-abroad experience.
Evil Boatmeal! Mrs. Slovak put me in chokey for that!
Good and evil are social constructs.
Would you like to come over to my house for dinner? Free will is impossible within an oppressive system.
Who are you and who am I?
Reconstituted nutrient Slurm mash. Good news, everyone! No! I’ve invented a device to find and kill him.
Evil What the little girls said. No. Try asking Him yourself.
I think the answer is in the asking.
c email@example.com d u
You Are All Heartless Monsters
By Your Bookstore
Look at me. No no, don’t just cast your eyes onward toward the market, thinking of your warm New Apt., I said look at me! I am YOUR bookstore, and because of YOUR apathy, YOUR Spark Notes, and YOUR affairs with that tax-exempt online whore Amazon, I am a shell of my former self. I used to be the lifeblood of a literary community teeming with promise and sophistication. John Crowe Ransom found inspiration on my shelves and ignited a generation of critics and writers. I was young. I was vibrant. Though I stocked the occasional commemorative Kenyon beer stein or letterman jacket, my collection of texts went unrivaled. No Pride and Prejudice and Zombies or Saddest Cats in Hats: A Photo Diary here. But now. Now you have transformed me into a bagelry of the lowest order. Your demand for apple chips and organic, chocolate-covered bacon sickens me. For God’s sake, I sell more puppets than I do great works of fiction. The horrible, hor-
rible puppets . . . They look at me at night. Their cold, lifeless eyes mirror those of the student population that pokes fun at them before buying yet another packet of sticky tack to hang whatever pseudo-intellectual movie poster they bought at the Black Box in their putrid dorm. Sure Kenyon, you talk the local talk, going on about your farmer’s markets in Pasadena and that fantastic Amish pie you got from the old lady just a few feet away, but you don’t walk the walk. You can go to all the PEAS meetings you want, but when it comes to ponying up a few extra dollars for the seminal texts of our age you waffle. You make excus-
Ralph Lauren To Kenyon: ‘I Will Fight You To The Grave’
By Billy Hughes EATON CENTER — Last week, in response to a lawsuit filed against the Ralph Lauren Corporation by Kenyon administrators, multimillionaire designer Ralph Lauren announced that he himself is willing to fight Kenyon College “until [he is] cold, dead, and buried.” Lauren’s statement comes as dispiriting news to the authors of the lawsuit, which alleges that the American-born mogul’s clothing company copied the Kenyon crest without paying royalties. “Do you even know who you’re dancing with here?” began the eightpage missive Lauren distributed to Kenyon and various media outlets Wednesday. “I’m. Ralph. Lauren. I’m going to hit you like the rage of a burgundy sweater mismatched with a taupe oxford.” Calling on his status as a sartorial legend, Lauren called Kenyon’s claims “laughable at best” and “the swan song of a dying institution.” Legal analysts say that if Lauren admits to having taken the Kenyon crest, his company would have to pay royalties to Kenyon, discontinue the tie in question, or face a possible lawsuit from the college. So far, Lauren and his representatives have displayed no intention to settle the matter peacefully. Instead, Lauren has declared that he considers the “Eating Club University Tie” in question one of his
greatest creations, saying he spent “at least 20 minutes on the name alone” and would never consider pulling it from the shelves. As a result, Kenyon College will likely be forced to file another suit against his corporation in the coming days — especially if Lauren also follows through on his blood oath to “destroy every part of the college that dared challenge [his] power.” To Kenyon’s administrators, Lauren’s reaction is the first setback in what they now fear might be a long and
You have transformed me into a bagelry of the lowest order.
es. You choose free two day shipping with Amazon Prime Student. And in doing so, you drive the stake of nearilliteracy further into the heart of this community. E.L. Doctorow once said, “Poetry was what we did at Kenyon, the way at Ohio State they played football.” Now that quote is emblazoned on a low quality mug rather than in the hearts of Kenyon students. Oh, your parents got one for you? You used it to drink Smirnoff mixed with cough syrup? It got chipped? That’s too bad. Because from here on out, our official return policy is go fuck yourself. Unless you drop the class. In which case you get a fifty percent refund.
“Do you even know who you’re dancing with here? I’m. Ralph. Lauren.”
costly legal battle. “We only get about a 10% percent royalty from the use of our crest,” said Business Administrator Mark Stringerner, “Usually that goes into the Alumni Fund to support scholarships. It’d be nice to see a few extra pennies in there, but Mr. Lauren has not been terribly cooperative.” Lauren, who with a net wealth of over five billion dollars is the 173rd richest man in the world, responded in a statement that he did not know what a “scholarship” was and had no interest in supporting one. “I’m sorry, what was that?” said Lauren when pressed for comment by college officials, “I can’t hear you over the sound of how valuable I am.”
Professor Sleepwalks Through Class
By Ichabod Townley SAM MATHER – Earlier this week, Professor of Psychology Archer Brint delivered a lecture to his Introduction to Psychology class while deep into the REM stage of his sleep cycle. His students reported noticing immediately that something was amiss. Carol Borscht ’15 claimed that not only did Brint arrive several minutes late, but he also “had obvious bedhead, was wearing a bath robe, red striped pajamas, and slippers, and was holding a mug upside down.” Brint proceeded to give a lecture about classical conditioning with his eyes half closed. His students continued to take notes in spite of the many non-sequiturs during the lecture. “He kept addressing us as ‘ladies and gentlemen of Congress’
C firstname.lastname@example.org d u
Long Snapper . . . . . . . . Charlie Adams Tight End . . . . Beauregard Beauregard Defensive Tackle . . . . . . . Clams Casino Trainer . . . . . . . . . Roy McKluskin’ Punter . . . . . . . . Gunderson Threeply Halfback . . . . . . . . . . . Boat Thorpe Wide Reciever . . . Barker D. Flugelhorn Offensive Lineman . . . . . Pumpy Calico Fullback . . . . . . . . . . . . . Billy Hughes Cornerback . . . . . . . . Clifford Seldom Offensive Coordinator . . Ichabod Townley Center . . . . . Lady Beatriz C. Hildegard Slot Reciever . . . . . Patty O’Furniture Quarterback . . Ruth “Thundercat” Bubis Kicker . . . . . . . Ambrosia Sweetwater Holder . . . . . . . . . Ricardo Carrigano Kickoff Returner . . . . . Button Gwennit Head Coach . . . . . . . . . Sterile Meryl Offensive Tackle . . . . . Jeffrey Cashpore Consultant . . . . . . . . . . . . Mascot Interns . . . . Arizona Outlaws, Portland Breakers, Chicago Blitz, Orlando Starz Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Collegiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of Ohio, KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
and he paused several times to keep his teeth from falling out,” reported Joshua Boreal ’14. “I hope this stuff doesn’t end up on the final.” “It was an interesting class,” said Julie Rampart ’15. “Professor Brint would say a few things about B.F. Skinner and how man is will-less product of his genetics and environment, then he would try to demonstrate a negative stimulus by shocking one of the bats he saw flying around the room.” Brint then pointed out that the rea-
son why all his ex-girlfriends were sitting in the back row laughing at him could be explained in terms of classical conditioning. Towards the end of class, Brint climbed onto his desk in order to escape the marshmallow fluff flooding the room. Brint, who was last seen shuffling down Wiggin Street asking passersby if they have seen his giant strawberry, had this to say: “My sister took it from me. It’s big and red. Have you seen it?”