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Vol. 4, issue 6

noVeMber 18, 2011

Everyone Has Their Shit Together Except You
By Roy McKluskin’ GAMBIER — Much to no one’s surprise, a study published last week confirmed that every single student currently attending Kenyon College knows how to live well except for you. The data confirmed your longstanding suspicion by demonstrating superior levels of self-awareness, self control, and fashion sense among nearly a hundred percent of a random sample of your peers. According to the study, “basically no one” had trouble getting to all of their classes in the last week while “practically every person you see on a daily basis” had experienced successful social interactions and academic success in areas where you have failed. Components of getting along covered by the study included everything from GPA to ability to get ahead on summer internship applications to finding the most delicious foods and shortest lines in Peirce. Another portion measured how often the whole world got themselves into easilyavoided painful or embarrassing situations. When asked if they had ever

InsIde ThIs Issue
Attractive Guy Surprisingly Boring

been dumped, cried in public, or called their professor Mom, “basically all” the non-you subjects checked either the box marked “No,” or the one marked “That happened like once.” Even those you’d previously thought might be just as disorganized as yourself turned out to be surprisingly competent. Girl Who Is Probably In Peeps (With The Greasy Hair) ‘13 is planning on studying abroad at Oxford

These people are only two among the thousands of other people who have their shit together.

in the spring and uses the back of the mason jar she usually carries around as a day planner. Meanwhile, your day planner continues to gather dust in the bottom drawer of your desk, sources say. When asked what his particular strategy for keeping it together entailed, subject and first year everyman

Local Election Report: Students Vote For Most Familiar-Sounding Names President Nugent Announces 2012 Commencement Speaker Will Be S. Georgia Nugent

Continued on page 4.

Gund Gallery To Host “Best Ever” Student Shocked To Discover Laser Tag And Pizza Party Adviser Posters Not Singles Ads
By Button Gwennit GUND GALLERY — Just two weeks after the inaugural exhibition at the newly opened Gund Gallery, the gallery staff has decided to hold the “best ever” laser tag and pizza party for a group of local middle school students. Director Nicole Mormer remarked, “We thought it would be fun to host some kids and lighten up on all the art stuff for awhile.” The gallery, which boasts floorto-ceiling glass windows and 31,000 square feet of floor space, furthers Kenyon’s dedication to the arts and seeks to expand the limits of knowledge with innovative exhibits and shows. The laser tag and pizza party
t he kenyon collegiat e

will take place in the gallery space because “it has the best angles for stealth attacks,” Mormer offered. The party celebrates the 12th birthday of Mt. Vernon preteen Kristen Belchek. Fourteen of Belchek’s “closest friends” will accompany her next Saturday afternoon in the gallery to eat pepperoni and cheese pizza and play several rounds of laser tag. “I visited the gallery with my parents last weekend and was really blown away by the mixed media installations in the Seeing/Knowing exhibition, and I thought, ‘It would be the best ever to have my birthday party here,’” she said.

By Ricardo Carrigano

Continued on page 2.

MANNING HALL — Sophomore Randy Johnson reportedly just found out that the pictures of Discrimination, Community, and Sexual Misconduct Advisers posted around campus are not, in fact, singles ads. Friend Harriet Thispy ’13 gave him the news last week when Johnson confessed his intention to reply to what he thought was a romantic solicitation from Leonard Hall CA, Nora Castle ’13. “He said that he wanted to talk to me about a girl, and I thought, ‘Oh, all right, here we go’ — he’s kind of a failed romantic. Anyway, he tells me he can’t stop thinking about [Castle]

and that he’d never responded to anyone’s ad before but he was down for trying new things — and that’s where I stopped him.” Thispy continued, “I asked him what he was talking about and he told me [about the posters]. I told him the truth and he just gaped at me, shaking his head saying, ‘Nah . . . Serious? Nah . . . ’ It took about five minutes of that before he believed me.” Johnson, who lives in Manning Residence Hall, became infatuated with Castle after he saw her face staring out at him from a hallway wall. “I didn’t know anything about her except her place of residence,” said

Continued on page 2.

Friendship Thrown Into Question Following Neglect Of Afternoon Greeting
By Ricardo Carrigano MIDDLE PATH — Last Thursday Paul Westworth ’12 allegedly failed to return a greeting from friend Karl Williams ’12. Williams said he was walking North when he saw Westworth coming the other way. He smiled and offered a “Hello,” but received nothing in return. This snubbing has caused Williams to reevaluate his entire three-month “friendship” with Westworth. The two seniors met each other for the first time at the Panini press in the early weeks of the semester. Williams recalled ruefully, “I was making my ham and cheese melt and the paper got stuck to the top of the bread.” He continued, after pausing for what appeared to be a single tear, “And then [Paul]— he must have been getting a cookie or something, I don’t know— just comes up and says, ‘Oh, man, I hate when that happens. But it’s fiber, right?’ I was struck by how candid he was, and how much we had in common. I was totally thinking the same thing.” The two traded names and some friendly nonsensical pleasantries before Westworth went to see what was at the International station, Williams to get a cup of raisins for the road. After this encounter, Westworth and Williams would continue to see each other on a semi-regular basis, both offering a “Hey, what’s up, dude”, a “Hey,” or more commonly, a shared, “’Sup,” often in the form of “’Sup bro?” Williams remembers these brief moments with pride and warmth, which only greater informs his confusion regarding last Thursday’s “callous ignorance of friendly

custom,” as he described the incident. But when thinking on it more clearly, he realized that for the last few weeks, he and Westworth “hadn’t been ‘supping each other like [they] used to.” “Wait, who?” replied Westworth, when reached for comment. He remembered, “Oh, that guy. Yeah. I pass him every now and again, and he’s al-

ways got this really eager look on his face. We acknowledge each other’s presence, but I don’t think I’ve ever had a real conversation with him.” When asked to comment on his negligence, Westworth politely scoffed and said that he “could not recall in particular” any instance as the one described.

Westworth, at left, contemplating the fall foliage.

Asshole Finally Returns Home Alone 2 To Multimedia Collections Room
By Button Gwennit OLIN LIBRARY — Last Tuesday, some inconsiderate asshole finally returned Home Alone 2 to the Multimedia Collections Room, sources report. In a move described as “totally fucking uncool,” someone rented out Olin’s only copy of the film and did not return it for two weeks, despite the fact that fines were accrued and daily reminder emails were sent. and settled instead for a documentary about the Guatemalan soybean industry. Another student, Tristan Werther ’13 remarked, “That jerk must have at least, like, $13 in fines by now. Comeuppance hurts, bitch.” Hailed as a “moderately successful sequel,” Home Alone 2: Lost in New York stands as a seminal piece in the career of Macaulay Culkin and provides many students with an outlet for relaxation. The film’s absence has been an unspoken source of tension in the community ever since that asshole rented it out. LBIS coordinator Tim Ranchero offered, “I’m just glad the film was returned. I didn’t want to have to press legal action on this son of a gun, but I would have.” College officials failed to provide the asshole’s name for fear of potential violent outbreak, but this has not kept students from guessing. “I’m going to find out who this jerk is,” Werther cried, “and give him a piece of my mind.”

“That jerk must have at least, like, $13 in fines by now.”
As a result, anger permeated the student body last week, resulting in the general malaise of several friend groups. “I rented out a projector and was going to show Home Alone 2 on my dorm room wall,” said Stacey Denton ’14, “but when I went to check out the movie, I realized that some idiot never returned it.” Denton was reportedly “crushed” when she saw that the film was absent from Olin’s collection

A somewhat beloved piece of family entertainment.

“Best Ever” from page 1.
For the event, Gund Gallery student associates are assigned to organize games and apply candles to Belchek’s cake. When asked if the current art in the gallery is at risk of being damaged, Mormer replied, “I’m sure they will be careful. We’re providing napkins, so...” Last weekend, a gala held in recognition of the successful “We Are Kenyon” campaign brought out hundreds

of trustees to the gallery dressed in formal attire. For Belchek’s party, no official dress code will be enforced, but sources report that she plans on wearing a skort that she bought at the mall last weekend. Mormer told Collegiate reporters that she encourages use of the Gund Gallery for many different purposes, and offered that in the upcoming months, the gallery hopes to host more casual, fun events for local teens.

“Advisers” from page 1.
Johnson. “Oh, and her firm place in the hearth of my ardent desire,” he added. Though he has been a resident of the college for over a year and has seen the posters before, it appears that his lust inspired temporary illiteracy whenever he stared at the informative bills. A follow-up question confirmed this supposition, as Johnson explained, “I thought the groupings [according to campus location] were a way to direct

seeking singles to proximal possible flames.” When asked to consider the pictures of the various faculty and staff members also on the posters, Johnson said he “figured the older options were for those who are, you know, into that kind of thing.” Now aware of their actual intent, Johnson has reportedly removed each of the three kinds of adviser posters from the wall next to his bed. While sources could not confirm, it appears that each poster showed signs of lipstick stains.

2 p l ease

recycle issue b e f o r e o r a f t e r r e a d i n g

Life & Style

Style Profile: Girl Who Dresses In Does This Library Carrel Have 1950s Fashions Actually From 1950s Room For One More?
By Ambrosia Sweetwater By Ellen Justin-Pentin Rita Sweeny, frequenter of the Ascension Reading Room and the periodical shelves in the library basement, has no trouble standing out of the crowd in her precious pink poodle skirts and dandy cat eye spectacles. “I sewed the poodle on myself!” she said merrily before disappearing into a shelf of old Kenyon Review magazines. Linda Truffle ’14, creator of the Kenyon Sartorialist blog, has attempted to photograph Sweeny, but has been unable to produce a clear image with her digital camera. “I saw her gliding weightlessly across Philo the other day wearing a long, gorgeous floral print dress, white gloves, and pearls,” Truffle said. “When I asked her if I could take a picture for my blog, she asked me what in the good heavens a ‘Tumblr’ was.” Photos taken of Sweeny depict only a large, floating orb, with no sight of the snappy dresser or her whimsical clothes. “I guess my camera got rained on or something,” Truffle said. Sweeny’s sense of style has sparked a slew of vintage trends on campus. “I wanted to tell her how much I adore her vintage cardigan, but by the time I turned around, she was gone. It was like she vanished into thin air!” exclaimed Marian Bartleby ’12. Fedoras, beehive hairdos, and knee-length full skirts are visible everywhere, and most students credit their style choices to Sweeny. “She’s got such a fun look,” continued Bartleby. “She totally has that Betty Draper from Mad Men vibe.” Unbeknownst to the stu-

Gilded Age midterm, but I’m still sooo screwed. Which is why it’s so awful to sit down at a table and listen to a bunch of girls talk about their “crazy weekend” drinking forties and watching that Beyonce music video in Leonard. Maybe I should write an allstu. That would probably get my point across. I can’t possibly be the only one who thinks they’re obnoxious. Yeah, I know, that Beyonce video is really good. Whatever. Scooch over for a sec.

dent body, Sweeny has actually been dead for fifty-seven years. In 1954, Sweeny, then a junior at Oberlin College, was visiting her long-time beau, Harvey Westick ’55, at Kenyon when a tumble down the poorly designed Ascension steps sent her to an early grave. “It was just an ol’ case of the butterfingers,” Sweeny chirped. “Harvey Warvey was so upset, he couldn’t play squash for a whole two weeks!” Since the accident, Sweeny’s spirit wanders from the library to Ascension in search of her sweetheart. When asked how the event has influenced her style, Sweeny responded, “I make sure my saddle shoes are tied extra tight. I can be so clumsy.”

Sweeney, moments before her untimely death.

Knock knock! Mind if I squeeze in here for a sec? Man, the library is so crowded today! Just trying to find a quiet place to do my poli sci reading and no one will shut up and leave me alone. People can be so obnoxious at this school. Did you see that girl over there at the computers with a fucking book on her lap? She wasn’t even using the computer. She can just sit there and read a book while I begrudgedly walk downstairs to the computer dungeon where it’s always 50 degrees. And that kid over there? No, not the ginger with the beanie, the other kid. Yeah, the one with meningitis, apparently. Get your freaky scarlet fever out of the library and leave me to my reading. You don’t mind if I snag a sip of this Red Bull, right? Thanks. I swear some of these kids don’t understand what it’s like to have work. Luckily, I got another extension on my Reimagining Meta-Narratives in the

I can’t wait to get a carrel of my own so I won’t have to make boring small talk with everyone around me.
Little bit of a tight squeeze in here, eh? I can’t wait to get a carrel of my own so I won’t have to make boring small talk with everyone around me when I’m trying to just focus and do my work. What is that ginger beanie kid doing? Slurping away at the water fountain! Don’t mind us. It’s not like this is a library or anything where people are trying to focus and not deplete the campus of water for a week. Sorry, I don’t mean to be totally OCD, but can you try to not be so loud when you turn that page? It’s just a little irritating. I’m really trying to do some work and I can’t have any more distractions. First I need to draft this allstu, though. Do you think it could start an allstu war? I’ve never actually done that before. Once I finish drafting this and have a cigarette, I’ll be totally ready to work.

Audacious Freshman Enters Peirce Servery After Closing Time
by Ricardo Carrigano PEIRCE SERVERY — Sources indicate that on Sunday, Adlai Rumpkis ’15 slipped in to the Peirce servery after it had closed. Rumpkis reportedly forgot to grab a banana before sitting down to eat his meal. However, when he realized his folly, dinner had ended. Rumpkis, fully aware of the dangerous and unorthodox nature of his actions, darted with careful grace into the left set of doors, slipping between a couple of unsuspecting dish ladies. Onlookers said he walked with “confidence and cool” to the fruit baskets, picked up “not just one, but two bananas,” and casually strolled back, undaunted, to his seat in Upper Dempsey. “His balls were probably swollen with chingado sensibility from the

“This guy just walked right in — swaggered in is more like it — well past 8 o’clock. What a bold kid.”
amount of testosterone it takes to do what he did,” provided Peirce atrium

couch troll Wilfred Jasper ’12. Continued Jasper, “I’ve seen plenty of the 7:59 p.m. Dinner Club people frantically shuffle in as if the meal they get might be their last. But this guy just walked right in — swaggered in is more like it — well past 8 o’clock. What a bold kid.” When asked to comment about his audacious move, Rumpkis had this to say: “I was hankering for a banana, and, yeah, I knew that dinner was over. But I thought to myself, ‘You know what? Fuck it. I’m going for it.’ And I did.”

AVI employees don’t even recall seeing Rumpkis, so poised was his banana grab. However, one worker, Kat Clarinet, lamented the after-hours fruit seizure, and challenged Rumpkis to “try it again and see what happens.” She added under her breath, “Punk bitch.” Rumpkis’s next daring plans include patronizing the bookstore after 11:00 p.m., the market after midnight, and staying in the library until far after 2:00 a.m. He also hopes to board his flight home for Thanksgiving break one minute before takeoff.

c ollegiate@kenyon.e d u


College Just One Goddamn Day After Another
By Boat Thorpe GAMBIER — Kenyon students were shocked to learn this week that, despite their preconceived notions about higher education, college is in fact just one goddamn day after another. While many were under the impression that college was a time of self-discovery and intellectual growth, students and faculty have conclusively proven that it is actually four years of useless busywork. Many students said they looked forward to college because of the opportunities for socializing, but that once they arrived, the social scene became monotonous. “I thought there would be more parties,” said Brandon Plether ‘14. “Well, not more parties, just better ones. Instead it’s just the same shit, week in, week out.” Plether, a sophomore sociology major from Vermont, says he looks forward to going home for Thanksgiving break because “at least it’s something different.” For other students, the constant drudgery of schoolwork is most disheartening. “I used to be so excited about English,” recalled junior creative writing concentrator Evelyn Bentley. “I used to love reading and discussing literature. I even wanted to be a professor. Now I go to class and it’s like, ‘Seriously? Another book?’” Bentley admitted that she has not done the reading for any of her classes in almost three weeks, citing the fact that

“it’s just the same shit over and over again.” “I was gonna do all this cool stuff,” said senior Charles Wergen. “I thought I would be, like, trying peyote and having a naked chick read Howl to me. I guess I always had a lot of work, so I never had time.” When asked how he would characterize his experiences at Kenyon, Wergen said, “I don’t know. Nothing really happened. Just work, work, work, get drunk, friend drama, work.” Freshman Katie Sangerley, despite being new to Kenyon, has already noticed the repetitive, tedious nature of college life. “It just doesn’t end,” she said. “You go to class, you do all your work, and you think you’re done, but

you’re not. You wake up to another goddamn day.” Sangerley said she is already considering study abroad options, “just so I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.” For many in the Kenyon community, though, there is no end in sight. Professor of Sociology Peter Hininger has been teaching at Kenyon for 25 years, and he confirmed that for those who stay in academia, it never gets better. “It’s been this way since I was an undergrad: one day sucks, then the next, and then the one after that. College is just a big pile of shit to do that never gets any smaller.”

Simon Schama’s Chicken Shawarma More Popular Than Lecture
By Jeffrey Cashpore Students who attended the Kenyon Review’s Guest Lecture series reported being less impressed with the lecture itself than they were with Simon Schama’s steaming shawarma chicken that was served after the presentation. Schama was greeted with enthusiasm by the community, but his address reportedly paled in comparison to the chicken he handed out after his lecture. Schama’s chicken was described as “delicate” or “ornate” and received a standing ovation that lasted several minutes as the line to the Shawarma station stretched out of the auditorium. Attendees reported that, unlike his speech, which was halting and unfocused, the chicken delivered a rollercoaster ride for the palate. Guests gushed that upon sampling the dish a plethora of flavors and smells greeted the senses, but with subtle undertones of restraint and conviction that were completely absent from Schama’s lecture. Many audience members were reportedly stunned by the culinary complexity of the chicken dish. “I never thought I would be able to eat three full plates of chicken and rice within 15 minutes,” commented Kendrick Huxley ‘13, “but now I know I can.” When pressed for comment on the lecture, Huxley failed to remember any of its content. Sources say that many faculty members were in attendance at the lecture, including an initially interested English department. Throughout the address a few were reportedly seen nodding off, their heads dropping over their notepads. After the speech, however, Professor of History Jack Marzin was reportedly seen filling a tupperware full of the delectable dish, shaking his head in delight as he caught a waft of the stunning yet familiar chicken smell. Schama didn’t mention the chicken until late in his address, long after he had lost the audience’s interest. Upon hearing the dish described, he had prepared for the post-speech reception, many in the crowd reported perking up. Schama heaped out plates to the eager speech goers, many of whom complimented him on the outstanding crispness and the remarkable flavors and spices of his lecture.
This popular historian is neither ornate nor delicate.

“Shit” from page 1.
Kyle Walloughpough ’15 seemed confused, asking, “What ‘strategy?’ I just do my work in the time allotted and use my free hours to socialize with friends and be creative. It’s really not that hard.” Others, including that pretty girl you see in the servery, posited that “being naturally very talented and good looking might have something to do with it.” Another study to confirm whether everyone has it easier than you is forthcoming.

CollegIaTe sTaff
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Consultant . . . . . . . . Cannot Lust Interns . . . . . sjngojdbakjvdkfun voe rg n a k j d v z x c j b v l i u d f n v a e k j v e r u g badjvdmcvrubgaerunvdkmvdrgnpeurgndljvzxljcvorvnakdjvdlfjbn vaeoruvadkjfdkjflaeirugbpqeufgnsok mvzldmzdorighoaerungalmzdljfnvzodiugrnaeojrvdmaeourghpeourbndlkjzdlfjb naoeirgnaeojbalfjadlribneoairnba Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Collegiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of Ohio, KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO

C ollegiate@kenyon.e d u


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