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115 Events For A Windmill

Matthew Lee Knowles

2009, revised [2009, revised 2012]

1. Take one fist and apply to a monkey.

2. Waddle.

3. Drink your drink in less than three attempts.

4. Swallow.

5. Suck a friends finger suggestively.

6. Do not swallow.

7. Suck a friends finger, in disgust.

8. When in a group, touch someones hand, without their knowledge, holding on to it.

9. Tell a joke so offensive, the DJ scratches a record and stops.

10. For five seconds, act as drunkenly as you can.

11. Tell a story about a time you told a story.

12. Do not rape someone.

13. Make your ears touch your knees.

14. Talk about the youth of today.

15. Talk about how old people piss themselves at any given chance.

16. Sing.

17. Stand on one leg for a reasonable amount of time.


o, he did not!

19. Talk to someone you do not know.

20. Hold on to your breasts/testicles until someone asks you a question.

21. With another person, take out coins from your pockets and swap them over.

22. Take off all your clothes whilst reciting a poem or song then put your clothes back on again.

23. Walk as if you have no legs and with no intention to ever have any.

24. Sing and dance about the colour yellow.

25. A group of people have drinks and stand in a circle, each holding their drink to the mouth of the person on their left,

who will take a sip and become (if they arent already) a very good friend of yours.

26. Buy a drink for Matthew Lee Knowles.

27. S n M is great, tell your friends.

28. Pretend you cant hear the music, if there is no music, pretend you can hear it.

29. A fish out of water.

30. Fuck off.

31. Eat a pair of pants.

32. Your left hand is very active

33. Lock arms with a friend.

34. Sing a sing of sixpence.

35. Take two seconds to feel suicidal.

36. Hop, skip and funk.

37. Shake-n-vac.

38. Consume an alcoholic beverage, with your pinky in the air.

39. Sing a Christmas song either very badly or very well.

40. Be pretentious, go on, twist the social barometer.

41. Shoot a hoop.

42. Eat a piece of fruit, laced with cyanide.

43. Foresee the bottom of your drink, or the bottom of one of your parents.

44. Get into the mindset of a cycle path.

45. Suck the knowledge from a friend.

46. By reading this you have entered into a contract which does more for me than it does for you.

47. Have a wet dream.

48. Request a song that no one will have ever heard of.

49. Improve (just a little bit)

50. Do something for one millionth of a second.

51. Disturb someones conversation with a loud, long, operatic explosion.

52. Inhale and exhale with a friend.

53. Triangle.

54. Love the mistakes.

55. Caress your whole body from top to toe.

56. Rediscover the joys of palaeontology.

57. Scratch the floor.

58. Make yourself heard everywhere in the room.

59. Give a very brief synopsis of a book you have read.

60. If you spot a reflection of yourself you are a terrorist.

61. Become a future pilot.

62. Present your face, as if you have just walked into a room where your whole family is having an orgy,

with dogs and butter.

63. Tickle someone whilst talking to them in a high pitched voice about how you are tickling them.

64. Observe your sweat patches.

65. You are prim and proper, like a happy shopper.

66. Feel the funk, try not to spunk.

67. Imagine living the same four seconds over and over again for the rest of your life.

68. Your dads penis enters your ear.

69. Give a box of malaria to eil Luck.

70. Hold a friends head on the road, in the path of oncoming traffic. When a bus has crushed their face out of all

recognition, piss in their arse and set fire to their feet.

71. Take something to the next level.

72. Without their knowledge, gently attach short-fuse fireworks to a persons ears.

73. Grab a friends arms, playfully from behind and after a few seconds,

stop laughing and pull so hard that the screaming of your friend

creates a black hole into which you dispose of the detached arms.

74. Fill your left hand with spunk, stick your right hand

fingers down your throat and heave onto your left hand.

The concoction should be force-fed to a small child.

75. Drug a friend and a horse. When they are passed out, attach the horses leg

tightly to the mouth of your friend. When the horse stirs,

kick it hard and repeatedly. Get out the way so you can enjoy the show.

76. Attach blades to your fingers - shake hands with many people, quickly.

77. Fuck it, just fuck it.

78. Think about all the times you have ever doubted or hated yourself.

ext, slice open your neck with a pristine craft knife.

79. Stick a finger as far as you can up your arse, then hold that finger in your mouth for up to thirty days.

80. Find Andy Ingamells, by shouting his name - when you meet him, just look surprised until he moves away.

81. Show Mica Levi your elbows, choosing to say four words each of three syllable length.

82. Everyone takes an item from their pocket/bag and does with it what they think best.

83. Sing a song about the smell of burning flesh.

84. You get mugged on your way home, your attacker cuts you roughly across your stomach.

You die very slowly, cupping your intestines and other innards in your hands.

You are found by a dog who pulls out your viscera, dragging them across a road and gnawing at them all the while.

85. Cut a little girl in half, fill her with a little boy.

86. Force a couple to copulate at gunpoint - shoot them at their point of orgasm.

87. Make yourself very unpopular as quickly as possible.

88. Make up a sexual position for every letter of the alphabet.

89. Talk continuously, do not stop, do not think.

90. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred pounds.

91. You have crabs, no, really, you do. Psychological scratching commences

92. Drink wine, drink beer, drink beer and wine.

93. Pull out random teeth of a friend and hire a man to face-fuck the bloody mess.

94. In the small hours of the morning, stop a person in their tracks, ordering them to hand over valuable

possessions. If they do, give them back, smile and say it was a joke. If they refuse, drive your fingers so

hard into their neck, you can pull out the contents, scratching at any tubes violently, laughing manically.

95. Comment on trousers. Bleed on trousers. Shit on trousers.

Do not wear unless you wish to draw attention to yourself.

96. Close your eyes, bring your hands together so that your fingers meet

below your nose - greet the smell of your deceased grandmothers cunt.

97. Hold a pro/con debate about paedophilia.

98. The next time you cum, remember, at that point of ecstasy, a small girl died of starvation, a boy died of leukaemia, a forty year old

mother of four lost a long battle to breast cancer and an pensioner lost their life defending their partner from a gang of teenagers.

99. You are what you eat, so eat another human being.


God makes man, man laughs, man makes plans, God laughs. Should God not be more supportive?


Surprise a friend by injecting hot coffee directly into their heart, pulling the syringe out as roughly as you can.


Superglue your nipples to those of a friends, when secure, without warning, pull away sharply.


A group of people in a room, breaking wind continuously, the winner is the last person in the room.


A woman is suspended upside down, her cunt filled with freezing

cold water and a piranha is inserted, before sewing up the hole.


Eat the eyelids of a friend, by ripping them off with your teeth.


Steal your best friends mobile, ring their parents and tell them that their

child is dead. Be as convincing as you can, then throw the phone into a lake.


Kidnap a small child, place in an empty television set,

seal it up and enjoy the film.


Go up to a person, hold up five fingers, then four,

then three, two, one when the thumb is down wet yourself,

or something else the person wouldnt expect.


Offer someone you dont know a drink (preferably a

cocktail) giving a plausible reason for why you cant drink it

and then watch the person nervously, not blinking. If they

do take a sip, become ecstatic, jump in the air and mouth to

them youre mine now - quickly leave the establishment.


A mans head is forced into the mouth of another man.

A child aged between six and twelve should be made to watch,

preferably with his/her eyes held open by extreme force.


A man and a woman push themselves against each other so hard that their skin oozes blood, which congeals and seals.


A man and a woman have their pubic hairs plucked out one a day until they are almost bald.

You may choose to release them at any point but one of them must be shot as they exit.


Invite someone to your room and strangle them within an inch of their life - repeat this action until you expire.


A garden is deflowered.


Find someone - do not accept them. Why?

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