1

Writing, Argot, Colloquial Vernacular, &
Idiolect-
Emperor MAR, (The Joe) Legend, & Empress Lori
Directing, Dominion, & Autonomy-
Emperor MAR
Editing, Expurgation, Suppression, &
Bowdlerization-
Emperor MAR
Designing, Contriving, & Unlikely CIA Member-
Emperor MAR
Photos, Depictions, & Effigies-
Emperor MAR, Stock.xchng, & More!
Publishing, Apportion, & Printing-
Emperor MAR & lulu.com
Magazine Founder & Instigator-
(The Joe) Legend
Taste Tester-
Empress Lori
Michael Aaron Reyes as Emperor MAR
Founders of Piemerica-
Emperor MAR & Tim R. LeValle
Piemerican Magazine #3
2001-2007 Piemerica-Incorperated-Eternally
Spider Vision is the way to a new life:
Piemerica.freehostia.com
0- Cover
The fun begins and the funds end.
1- Filling & Accreditation
It’s like the contents of the magazine also known as this
page here.
2- Last Issue Recap
How many hats does it need?
3- Bottom Circles W-hats What's Happ'nin Knews
Do you ever wonder or do you just sit still?
4- Alternating Words, Piemerican Airlines Ad.
you are the best thing from up around the top where
there are clowns dancing all crazially until
5- Piemerica's Worthless Advice Oven
Nothing says advice like cold cold ice because neither of
them can talk.
6- Love for Pie Quiz
This quiz will be fun?
A. Not likely B. It is more fun on a bun.
C. “Wait I saw this in a movie once!” “Yeah we’re
playing Scene It.” D. I’m turning there right now.
7- Love for Pie Quiz Results
Yes, we have the answers you’ve been looking for!
8- Public Classifieds
You sincerely thought that buying this magazine was
enough? Here we beg you for more.
9- Piemerican Magazine’s Guide to The Joelympics
Titans clash in this titanic series of sportunate events.
10- Piemerican Magazine’s Guide to The Joelympics
Piemerican Magazine guides you to The Joelympics a
test of stomach strength, lackwit, & questions.
11- Lesson Mania! Book Ad.
When there's nothing left to do dance! Cause dancing
will cheer anybody up.... except the cripple.
12- Bottom Circles W-hats What's Happ'nin Knews
Cardboard sums up most card games.
13- 2006’s 'ot 6 Review
‘ot 6 Review from 20 ‘ot 06!
14- 2006’s 'ot 6 Review
Timeless tears shall be shed.
15- Piemerican Knews~ Food with Attitude
Not just bitter tasting.
16- Piemerican Officers Of Police department
Academy
Now that we rule the skies we must also rule the streets
0
2
- Back Cover
The window glass blushes from the sunlight. During the
weekend they bent the sail. We sail in circles waiting.
Waiting for a hammer that lies on a bed of nails.
2
Piemerican Magazine #2
Piemerican Magazine #2 took us to new heights of bookdumb &
pie ateing with it’s long awaited album review & Book Drinking
Section, new Knews, teen-tractive advertising, health unconscious
senselessness, helpful product peddling, ways to enhance your ug
life, another classic ‘ot 6 Review, & gave you the Piemerican
citizen the opportunity to become a Piemerican Airlines pilot.
Thanks to the untrained civilians flying their planes Piemerican
Airlines now has 300% less crashes every sixty-two minutes.
(The Joe)’s Album Review
Annual Music Album Review by: (The Joe)
(The Joe) finally told it like it is & is it like it told. (The
Joe) reviewed various made up albums, which were
almost as bad as the 2005 release Walrus & Alpaca
Get Rode Again. (The Joe) also reviewed the
stunning Piemerican Disc, then Piemerica’s first &
only album. Piemerica has since released dozens of
CDs the likes of which Piemerican Egg/Muzzz was
supposed to review but he only did a few although
his reviews were nothing to say “Pee you!” about
because no one had to take a drug test.
Cold Drips vs. Seat Belts
The war of cold drips & seat belts who will
win? See Inside Why? We don't know
This intrusive article made even the dumbest
dummies & the smartest smarties say “Huh?
Ray!” No Ray wasn’t there but we were.
Wearing a wet seatbelt is no fun. Crates win!
Now pay up.
Doctorb’s Advice
Hear advice from our expert doctorbs-"..Living
people some breathee air back wards in
color."
Honey buns are healthy but only for married
couples. Have you ever read red? All red ever
says is “Read me.” Who needs a doctor
anyway? I eat apple pie everyday. If you have
food poisoning go to the doctorb. If you have
dude poisoning break up with him. Doctorbs
everywhere agree that one is 1 & three is 3.
Now Prepare to journey into the depths of your very own shoe & discover smells the likes of which
your feet have never shown. This is Piemerican Magazine #3, Piemerica’s latest craze.
Book Drinking Section
Remember Drinking Books? Well you’ll want to
forget after you read of our bOOk drinking Section.
We took Book Drinking Central from our website,
condensed it into two readable pages & created
Piemerican Magazine #2’s Book Drinking Section.
This was subtitled Drinking Books What You Need to
Know. It finally, as promised nearly three years
beforehand, told aspiring book drinkers everything
they could need to know to become a bookard.
3
2007 Issue 3 - Page 1
Finally we vegans are eating an imitation food,
which tastes better that the original!
Try Vegan Pit Bull Beef made from real Tofu!
Just out of Beach
Winter is here in Piemerica & that means local citizens
of Piemerica also known as Piemericans or Idiots, are
hitting the beach. Some say the water is cold this time of
year. Others just say “Burrr!” Physicians say “Surfs up
dudes & dudettes!” then hop into the water on their surf
clowns.
Emperor MAR is a poor swimmer because he leaves his
money on his towel in the sand. That’s right thieves! His
towel is green & red with a pie in the middle. And
Emperor MAR’s favourite beach is the one just behind
Super Low Security Prison #8, Your and My Beach.
Swimmers aren’t the only Idiots to hit the water this
time of year. Beach master Chuark Endesguis has built a
Pier, yes a fishing pier made out of pie. Some say the
peaceful silence on the Pier is deafening.
Cob Veltine Report
Cob & Nora the Dog Veltine went into the Scared
Straight program today. The program is usually reserved
for youth & humans but Judge Kudge (referred to as
such because he drinks soup with a strainer) made an
exception. During the shouting & pointless profanity
Nora made a run for it. Nora was apprehended.. or rather
killed just before reaching the doorway. When asked
how he felt about his wife Nora dieing Cob Veltine just
stared coldly at the wall.. after I walked away.
When the inmates heard of Cob’s crime (murdering his
son’s scribbled upon paper) they puked in disgust. The
cook then came by with the janitor & cleaned up the
mess. A short while later everyone had a special stew in
Cob’s honor.
(The Joe) Gives Bootlegs the Boot
Local businesses have started to carry bootleg copies of
(The Joe)’s yet unfinished auto-biography. (The Joe)
hearing of this was delightfully outraged, y’know
because (The Joe) is such a happy guy. (The Joe)
stomped & smiled his way into Moon Betamax
Collectors, a store carrying the bootleg, keeping his
reputation of being the happiest madman alive.
(The Joe) then proceeded to drink all the bootleg copies
of his book. When asked about the event by our
Piemerican Knews & former NBA reporter Leia Up
(The Joe) remarked “Now I know how dogs & cats feel
when they lick themselves its yukerific!”
Stocks for Pit Bull Beef have risen lately due to the confusion
of many Piemericans who think Pit Bull Beef is BBQ.
Regardless Pit Bull Beef is a delicious treat for people of all
ages from the very old hunters to the very young vegans.
Stocks for Piemerica Jr.'s parent company, Piemerica, have
sky rocketed due to the decision by Piemerica Jr. to go on to
be a serious business rather than one that chases dreams and
lives on an imagined perception of reality. Piemerica Sr. is
said to be very disappointed and hopes that Piemerica Jr. will
"grow down."
On the flip side Reality Fragrances is taking a dive after their
product debut in Piemerica's Mime Square, which is a
horrible place for a press conference.
Also hurting this time frame are harvest vasing companies.
Due to years of being ignored by the public many harvest
vasing companies are declaring bankruptcy. President of the
struggling Porcelain Corn
Cob Co., A. Richard
Pourer, dramatically
commented on these
devastating times, "If only
a magazine or television
show would proclaim to
the people the trying times
Piemerica's harvest vasing
community is going
through then maybe we
could go on living like
human beings out here!"
Business
Letter to the Editor:
Dear Piemerican Magazine,
I've got plans for you. Secret plans.. that involve murder!
Yo you guys got a fly swatter I can borrow?
4
Blue = Emperor MAR; Red =Empress Lori
Ok this is the evening of winter that goes by all of the time. Can you have roasted onions
when all of our chickens were cut from their gourds to their wacky circular broad engines? You
time me all of a time. Well do they feel like you harbor bitter tastes toward a chicken in
Chinese Ecuador? Yes, they do! Try me over in an attempt from stuffing, stuffing, and roughing
stuffing.
A long traveler ran housing about place after sun setting alone. Bind twain Mark, then
that would is all you could need in order which it does come. Right now!
Quarter break under arm stack twenty lines of bricks. Now later and next or quilts softly
engage two farther hands nicely. Sinks intend on slop slipping before dipping egg. Deer wash
under the cool can carpet lid. Walk the line Spinny! Start gallivanting down Mock Street where
blue shelves make blue pants. Circulation improves patronization of electric warming.
Tells cheerleaders about risks curtain hydraulics. He swam solid tums eventually running
without eating drains. Bad things happening trip down leaves tree croak next wiggle rink townly.
World risks hippopotamuses in order like me.
Check Out Our New Great Prices
ª Benchwarmer (our version of Coach)
Now only $29.95!
ª Beggar (our version of Economy)
Now only $32.14!
ª Dismissal (our version of First Class)
Now only $35! and thee cents
Piemerican Airlines’ prices are going down as fast as our aircrafts!
How can we provide prices this cheap?
Simple we don’t have that annoying security that other airlines have.
Now offering discount flights to and from the Middle East!
Putting your worries to shame with real real real real problems.
Call Today! 1-800-N00-NO-N000 1-800-N00-NO-N000 1-800-N00-NO-N000 1-800-N00-NO-N000
5
Advice Oven
The Call of the College
Advice Oven:
How do I do all my college school work? -Egg/Muzzz
Firstly, please that I do not nor have I never goned to colleige. So my add vice may knot bee very goad.
Thirdly, rushing through work like a Russian
©
would repel you to a quick trick of a slick chick (grilled chicken).
Eighthish, doing is like shoeing because doing is like shoeing meaning.. walking is doing and shoes are walk
helpers. We can help you walk if you help us talk.. to vine horns.
6
th
, wear bright colors in the rain so when it rains rain will rain on rain (create puddles). This is an excellent study
for science class.
Fifty, if you want to do all of your work for all of your class then you have to be able to read & right & sometimes
fight the urge to not do college school work.
Twode, mimes never run out of time but they do run into it. Ouch!@mime.com
Fort, you may sometimes feel like you are being rushed around town in a Greyhound bound for college or life or
life at college. The points are that if you repeat yourself like we have, if you repeat yourself like we have, then you
can.. if you repeat yourself like we have, then you can have more words in your college work papers for you to have
to been forced written.
· · · · June Seventh, Congratulations student you have finished all of your college school work. Come let us celebrate
with this mail in rebate.
Education or Ventilation
Advice Oven:
In the situation where work is necessary and school isn't but going to school would produce greater future...is
school or work more important? 'note' going to school requires less work which means poverty. -Joenan
In this situation work is more important in the present & school is more important for the future. Overall work
seems to be more important, for you can have a future without school but can't have much of a present or future without
work.
I think it is about time we taught school a lesson. A lesson about how to learn. The school knows how to teach but
can schools learn? Teaching a school is like teaching a mule. Teaching at school is like teaching a student. If you ever get
lost in the woods perhaps lumber isn't your thing.
Poverty is a good way to not count money. "You can count on me boss." Being smarter makes you a better starter. Going
to school can make your dreams come true. Particularly the dream about going to school in your underwear. If you spend
all your time below sea level you won't be able to see anything. I can show you a good time but you wouldn't be in it.
Time for Dime
Sincerely Advice Oven,
Every morning I’m late for work. What can I do to make sure I’m on time? -Lori
Perhaps you could get a new job closer to where you live. I’m sure you’ll have the chance to look for one as being
late multiple times equals getting fired. And standing next to fire makes you sweat just like being broke & jobless (in the
summer/spring time). Another option is to get a second shift job that way every afternoon you would be late for work.
Work is like a place you go to and do things in order to get paid money & survive. If you think about what work
is then perhaps that will encourage you to get to work on time instead of being a lazy latey and get fired. Run to work
until you run so fast that you can’t even stop. Even stoppers stop some times, actually stoppers in sinks, tubs, showers,
and sinks spend more time not stopping than they do stopping. You stop what I’m stopping?
If you want to completely change from being late for work to being early for it then you should wake up earlier,
get dressed faster, drive more speediously, reset the necessary clocks, & dive instead of slowly sit. The less you run the
faster you’ll go in the life of standing measures. Are you paid & pained to stand? Then get on up to the down chair. Pace
yourself for great gait. That color works & so can you if you get to your job on time.
6
Test Your Love for Pie
Love pie more than the next guy? Want to prove it? Gather your ‘friends’ up & take this
wonderfully helpful quiz with them to see who loves pie the most. If you love pie too much
your friends may even resent you for not loving them enough.
1. In your lifetime how many pies have you eaten?
A. I haven’t kept track
B. More than not
C. 3
D. All of them
2. If you found a pie laying in the street you would..
A. eat it
B. call the paramedics
C. bake it into a new pie
D. wear it as a hat (when you are already wearing a hat)
3. Under what circumstances would you reject eating a pie?
A. Toothlessness from eating too much pie already
B. A health bully threatens you
C. Fire and lots of it!
D. If it rejected me
4. How does pie make you feel?
A. Hungry
B. Like I’ve spilt pie on me
C. As if there were no other
D. Innocent I tell you! I’m innocent! Gets carried away.
5. Which food do you prefer?
A. Pie
B. Cobbler
C. Cake
D. Inanimate objects
6. How much money have you spent on pie this past week?
A. $3
B. All of them
C. My momma bakes my pie
D. You mean you can buy pie? Leaves life of thievery.
7. Do you ever drink a book whilst you eat pie?
A. I drink more than a.
B. Yes.. or no.. I can’t decide!
C. What the Eat?
D. I certainly whilsts
8. The first time you ate pie you..
A. ate more
B. I don’t remember because I suck
C. swore off cake forever
D. joined Piemerica
9. How often do you share your pie?
A. Only when I turn my head on it
B. I don’t even eat pie. I’ve sure wasted my time on this
quiz.
C. 3.14159 26535 89793 23% of the time PS I’m a nerd.
D. Whenever the moon is full
10. On a scale of 1 to 10 how important is pie to you?
A. 1
B. 10
C. 5
D. My number is not mentioned idiots!
11. To me pie is like..
A. a delicious hammer
B. food
C. drinking a solid book
D. a hat
12. If pie were a liquid what would it be?
A. Pie
B. The many seasons of the year
C. Refreshing glue
D. A log milked book
13. To you Piemerica is..
A. a reason to be afraid
B. pie HQ daddio
C. unreasonable
D. A list of funny things
14. Pie is to best food in the world as cake is to
A. pie’s greatest enemy
B. the worst food in the word (with alpaca as meat
frosting)
C. a shoe brace
D. not even being worth my time to answer
15. Colloflower spoon sock local
A. I thought this might happen
B. Whose?
C. Whose?
D. Free points!!
16. This is the most important question
A. No
B. Yes
C. Someday..
D. It is equally important
17. How has pie improved your life?
A. I outweigh all my friends
B. More than cake has! Stabs cake with fork
C. I’m worn out more than a jacket in winter
D. There is more of me to love
18. Why did you buy Piemerican Magazine?
A. I was hassled by da Emp
B. I found it in someone’s “To Burn” pile
C. To get lots of pie & pie recipes boy am I disappointed
D. I didn’t. Reprises life of thievery.
19. Solicitors welcome or so it would seem..
A. yes… that’s the one.
B. Huh?
C. I love pie!
D. Steam Puppets welcome I know that
20. What is your favorite kind of pie?
A. A fruit based one
B. Pecan
C. A cream based one
D. Yum Yum
7
If you scored a..
1. A-1 B-3 C-2 D-4
2. A-3 B-1 C-4 D-2
3. A-2 B-1 C-3 D-4
4. A-4 B-2 C-3 D-1
5. A-4 B-3 C-1 D-2
6. A-1 B-4 C-2 D-3
7. A-3 B-1 C-4 D-2
8. A-2 B-1 C-4 D-3
9. A-4 B-1 C-2 D-3
10. A-2 B-4 C-3 D-1
11. A-2 B-3 C-4 D-1
12. A-4 B-2 C-1 D-3
13. A-3 B-4 C-1 D-2
14. A-3 B-2 C-1 D-4
15. A-3 B-2 C-1 D-4
16. A-2 B-1 C-4 D-3
17. A-2 B-4 C-1 D-3
18. A-3 B-2 C-4 D-1
19. A-2 B-3 C-4 D-1
20. A-3 B-3 C-3 D-4
Answer Score Key
0-22 The Love of Pie Is Not In
You
Happy Birthday!
Ahahahahahahahahahah
cake explodes the whole world
23-27 You Love Pie Like You Love
Your Grandma’s Thigh
Pie is not your bag daddio & that is
not coolsville. Back slowly out of the
room and into the sink.
28-35 Your Love Is Just A Crust
Pie is more than meets the eye.
Open up the crust & you will see
all the wonderful filling that pie
lovers find to be lovely.
36-40 Urge to Eat Rising
The more you consume the more room
you find you have in your wallet.
41-50 You Remember the Crust
and Keep It Filled
You know exactly how to make a pie
and can list the ingredients of your
favorite one in 13 seconds even while
being picked on by jealous skinny
people.
51-60 You’re The Next Big Thing
Be patient & your love for pie will grow
along with your waistline. Brush your teeth if
you ever do decide to stop eating pie.
61-70 You’re Filled With Filling
Your mom is a baker & your dad is a
tailor. They work together to keep you
atop of the pie eating contest circuit.
71-77 You’re A Baker To Be
Remember even the mightiest pie was
once a recipe. You can spend hours
trying to perfect the perfect pie but the
perfect pie is one that perfects your
hunger.
78-79 You’re Piemerica
Approved
We dig your hep pie eating skills.
You don’t wait to gain weight.
You’re a go-getter of every pie
that catches your eye & you eat
the eye too. Piemerica salutes you
rather than boots you. The only
bad thing is that you don’t have
much longer to live..
80 You’re a Corpse
No one can eat that much pie and
live! How dare you defile our quiz
you truthless liar!
Test Your Love for Pie
Results
8
Help Wanted
Seven dwarves wanted to explore
cave in Sidosut for gold. Whatever
you finds you keeps as long as you
take a picture with my wife.
Employment Wanted
Acclaimed pie taster looking for pie to
taste but not to eat, except during
meals. Call me at 554-3253
Help Wanted
Security Guard, is that redundant?
For Sale
Bright lamp, used to be used in a
darkroom on accident, $34.95 or
worst offer because we are desperate
to develop some photos. LKJ-LAMP
For Sale
Tractor trailer, great for following
farmers going to plow their secret
golden egg field.
$26.73 Exact change only!!
For Rent
Cactus for rent to northern
Piemericans so they can have that
desert experience. LK5-OUCH
Livestock
55 lb pit bull. Raised grazing, would
make wonderful hamburger meat
For Sale
Elastic Seatbelt
Cemetery Lot
Rest in Peace Hippie Graveyard
Section GRN 3B, get buried in
compost ditch.
Rest in Peace Hippie Graveyard
“For when your soul flies free.”
5L5-4367
Public Classifieds
House For Sale
732 Slick Curve Ln. New house, so
new it has no roof, skydiver friendly.
Impatient Realty L5L-REAL
Services
LADLE TEARS Piemerica’s first
ladle molding company. Over 6 years
of bragging about being Piemerica’s
first ladle molding company. Free
soup for bums 55J-3253
Subtle Conspiracies
Help wanted to move all of my
brother’s furniture 1 millimeter
clockwise each day while he is at
work. Don’t call me I’ll call you.
Training
Free training by Biggie Biggs, The
Fattest Man in Piemerica, for the
skills of Can Opener Operator, Long
Range Stick Assist, & Gourmet Chef.
For Sale
Used Drinking water. I would hope
that a sanitation plant would buy this
but no questions asked ok?
KJK-P4YU
Dogs
Golden retriever, does not retrieve
gold, name your price & I’ll tell you
you’re wrong.
555-3253
Travel
Through recent research we've
discovered that crashing our planes is
bad for business. That is why
Piemerican Airlines is offering a new
"Travel Ticket" where we'll actually
fly you to your desired destination in
a plane no questions asked.
Personal
Single sailor looking for first mate,
never married before.
Call me KKJ-ATCE
Education
Dance Instructor looking for pupils
who have learned popular Piemerican
dances, such as The Retarded Snake,
in hopes to physically deprogram the
idiocy out of our general population.
Help Wanted
Drivers wanted to man a big rig &
when we say man, due to affirmative
action, we mean no exp. necessary not
even that of being a human being!
Roommate Wanted
1to3 Wivwotsh Dr. Apt. 3
Roommate wanted for 1 week free.
Must be a slob as I am looking to
trash this apartment before I get
evicted. Meet me behind the treehouse
at midnight.
For Sale
Pair of roller blades, which double as
pizza cutters or was that the other way
around? Anyway there is a lot of fun
to be had.
For Sale
Used bowling shoes. What? You use
used bowling shoes at the alley.
P.S. buy shoe spray. L5K-BOWL
Services
Emperor MAR & Joenan’s
Piemerican Lawn Care.
‘You grow it we mow it.’ We can cut
your grass of we can cut you!
Call now! Or later would be fine too..
actually just call us on weekends.
K5J-JOMA
Community Auction
Mayor Gitsmoore of Veltswert, Piemerica is auctioning government property to pay off the city's debt. Items being
auctioned off include a very cerebral bunny rabbit; a loose Police Caution Taped house; City Hall; Town Foyer;
Municipality Vestibule; Ex-Mayor Sir Lou's hammock integrated bottle rocket station (famous for his tirade on Veltswert
in 1903); Mayor Gitsmoors's personal AirForce 6,397 (noted for his use of it as a kite at the 2003 Veltswert Map of the
World Fair); "The Match Testing Factory's Fire Extinguisher"; Shaft's Afro from the short film 'Shaft Leaves Piemerica';
The Veltswert Town Charter; Personal Slaves.. Ooops scratch that last one or have them scratch you!
So come down to Veltswert soon before all of these great items are gone.
9
The Joelympics
Piemerica’s first joelympiad Joelympics are now taking place. The
Joelympics are Piemerica’s new version of the Olympics. The International
Olympic Committee won’t sanction Piemerica as a country. Even so Piemerican
athletes are too pie filled and book drunk to compete in any real sporting events.
The Joelympics have a first, second, & third place reward system. Each
person ranked in the top 3 get a necklace with an emblem. First place gets a
Golden Pie. Second place gets a Silver Book. Third place gets a Bronze Log. All
the competitors that rank below third place simply get savage beatings. Emperor
MAR & President (The Joe) reward those competitors (losers!) personally.
All of the true classic Piemerican sports are included in the Joelympics:
æ ææ æ Pieathelon- Pie Eating Contest
# ## # Book Drinking Contest- Self-explanatory but for you morons out there. A Book Drinking Contest is
that which elves hear lemons on streets of pure mustard.
, ,, , The Waxed Floor Belly Skate- Fat men are finally called buff as they fly across waxed floors.
, ,, , Hill Rolling- The underwear twisting classic which was a fad for a day.
¤ ¤¤ ¤ Blinking Saves Eyes & Lives- Competitors throw glass jars against trees in this teach to learn sport.
This event is a classic sport created by Emperor MAR in 1998.
÷ ÷÷ ÷ Boxcar Packing- You’re taking a trip son.
A AA A Solicitation- Because our security just isn’t secure enough.
 Â  Atom Racing- The one tolerant race where everyone & everything gets to participate! Matter only.
· ·· · Switch Blade Basketball- Competitors play traditional basketball with Wesley Snipes & keep
switching places/teams.
g gg g Piemerica Ball- An amalgam sport created by Emperor MAR February 10, 2000. This sport combines
baseball, golf, basketball, kickball, football, & fútbol.
@ @@ @ Industrial Baseball- The main event of the Joelympics. See end of article for details.
@ @@ @ Industrial Football- Sequel to Industrial Baseball where a cinder block is the football.
Golfulating- Golf Master Joenan, with his trusty caddy Emperor MAR, competes in a golf
tournament & hilarity ensues due to Emperor MAR’s soon to be hospital related antics.
Of course there are pie eating & book drinking contests & even a new
Biathlon of pie eating & book drinking combined. Local hero Gilgsvigor E. Tout
has been warming up for the Biathlon event. “I like to eat my pie warm” said
Gilgsvigor. Gilgsvigor’s biggest threat in this event is the dangerous Mothshugger
L. Spotshurt who is also competing in the violent Log Rolling/Milking event.
10
Many new sports are being played this inaugural year as well:
æ ææ æ 100 Spice Dash- The most spices, the most chefs, the most tastiest.
· ·· · Action Figure Skating- Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, & GI Joe ice-skate making it so
action figures mind as well be called dolls. Go Joe!…lympics.
¬ ¬¬ ¬ Armchair Retrocline- who dressed as 70’s pop-culture icons can recline their Lazy-E-Boys the fastest.
A AA A Basket Ball- Watch as a wicker basket is used as a ball.
æ ææ æ Biathlon- Pie eating & book drinking contests combined.
+ ++ + Bowling- Morning events are cereal eating competitions. Evening events are soup eating competitions.
_ __ _ Boxing- Factory workers finally show off their skill.
· ·· · Cat Toss- Cats love the Cat Toss because we actually toss dogs.
Child Rearing- Discipline kids the Piemerican way.
· ·· · Discus- DJs lay down some toons in the background of the Joelympics.
~ ~~ ~ Dog Sledding- Dogs love Dog Sledding because we actually race cats.
+ ++ + Easy Bake Oven- Who can bake the best tasting oven in this difficult event?
Fans- Joelympics fans walk in front of a giant fan & whomever can hold onto their ticket & make it
past the giant fan gets to be in the Joelympics audience. This wasn’t supposed to be an event until a
cruel maintenance man decided to make it one.
µ µµ µ Fencing- Cover up Wilson Wilson’s face.
g gg g Foot Ball- A favorite game of coroners & amputees alike.
= == = Horse Shoes- Shoes can’t talk so what does it matter?
w ww w Jim Nastics- Who can television interview a boring guy with a cool name?
· ·· · Joe Sledding- Not just for Bobs any more!
µ µµ µ Log Rolling/Milking- Roll a log over in water & speed milk it.
· ·· · Mime Curling- Mimes, without words, convince little girls not to curl their hair.
Moon Mooning- Find out what butt looks most like earth’s moon.
Poker- Competitors tend the fireplace.
× ×× × Pole Vault- Crack the code of the vertical vault.
T TT T Pro-Wrestling- Businessmen in suits grapple in this event.
w ww w Ring Toss- Long-distance marriage proposals.
. .. . Row Boating- An American Idol like competition where the only song allowed sung is “Row Row Row
Your Boat”
· ·· · Savage Beating Marathon- Escape the men with baseball bats & the winners get to keep their teeth.
» »» » Spelling B- The easiest event, just spell the letter B (¬ ¬¬ ¬as shown here).
· ·· · Temper-Tantrum Temperature- Which kid has the hottest head after a tantrum?
» »» » Three Legged Race- Mutants & Siamese Twins alike compete in this incredibly prejudice race. All the
cameras are set on tripods for this event.
· ·· · Wait Event- Who can show the most patience looking at a ticking clock?
· Who’s The Boss?- Men pit their wives in a competition to earn the right to call their wife the bossiest
woman in Piemerica.
The Joelympics
The main event of the Joelympics is Industrial Baseball. Industrial Baseball is a two person game
invented by (The Joe) & }The Joemeister{. The bat is a 15 ft. long metal tent pole. The baseball is a
cinder block pitched at the batter. The space between each base is 100 ft.
Piemericans & robots alike are sure to love it & sure to love the 2007 Joelympics.
11
"Lesson Mania! gave me a reason
to keep getting up in the morning."
Piemerica's first huge book Piemerica's first huge book Piemerica's first huge book Piemerica's first huge book Lesson Mania! Lesson Mania! Lesson Mania! Lesson Mania! is on sale now! is on sale now! is on sale now! is on sale now!
Over 1,000 Lessons spanning over 5 years & under 132 Pages. Lesson Mania! has for the first time
ever Lessons Categorized to help you in those tough times. Just read these testimonials.
"Lesson Mania got me a job. I don't have
to beg for nickels at the 'Everything's a
Dime or More Store' anymore because I'm
a volunteer fireman!"
Testimonials
So as you can see Lesson Mania! makes the world go round.
Download the e-book, $5 at Lulu.com/Piemerica or buy the paperback, $15 at Cafepress.com/Piemerica
"Lesson Mania taught me how to talk. Sure this is
just text and you can't hear me and they could be
making this all up but I dare you to let your cat read
this book & see if it doesn't talk. C'mon I dare ya!"
"I lost 10 pounds in just a few
seconds because of Lesson Mania!"
"This book tastes great when you're
drunk or when it's drunk whatever!"
"I learned so much now I have a horrible
ego problem and everyone hates me."
And if you're not satisfied with those testimonials how about this one?
"Lesson Mania is the latest & greatest thing you'll ever buy!*
*Results are subjective, may not be true.
"This is the last book I'll ever need because
this winter I'm switching to electric heat!"
And celebrity's love Lesson Mania!
too just ask this guy who knows a
guy who knows a girl who knows a
steam puppet that knows a celebrity.
"Yeah John Wayne loves it. It made
him the fastest samurai in the east."
"I can't tell you how much
Lesson Mania Means to me."
12
2007 Issue 3 - Page 2
Lung Margarine- Editorial
Have you ever been at work or at home or at a restaurant or on
the moon or in the back seat of a cab or under a molten rock or
inside a rubber nose plug or around the back of a tortoise lemur
& had to endure second hand cigarette smoke? Well I’ve been
in, to, & for all those places and had to do just that. So I
decided what is the big deal with smoking. Why do people
smoke? It drove me, Crazy.
I went on a waiting list for a smoker’s lung transplant. It would
have been a short list too if one guy didn’t see how many times
he could type his cousin’s name. I’m glad my cousin Jim did
that though because now I have 38 smoker’s lungs & can
breathe like a normal person.
The Pecan Beast
Years (months) ago there was an explosion at the
Piemerican Sewage/Dynamite Testing Facility.
Everyone escaped the explosion safely except for one
almond. The almond rode a winged pecan out of the
fire and said to the terrified crowd “ ” because
even with it’s new superpowers the almond still
couldn’t talk.
A week later Hunters hunted the almond down to an
abandoned warehouse (the Piemerican Sewage/
Dynamite Testing Facility) & shot the almond to
pieces. They had forgotten however about the winged
pecan beast. Flash! Fang! The pecan beast destroyed
the hunters & they were swept away by the janitor
later that night.
Later that night a squirrel got into a fan chute & it was
welded alive inside! The Fire Liquidators of Piemerica
(FLOP) did everything they could to get the squirrel
out so naturally they got the squirrel out. They sure
were mad at the kid that made the prank phone call
when they found out that it wasn’t a kitty cat inside.
The pecan beast has recently been setting its pecan
brethren free from trees all around Piemerica. Hungry
bums all around have been quoted as saying
“Thanks!” expressing their gratitude for no longer
having to pick the pecans off of the trees themselves.
The pecan beast realized that the ‘freeing’ of its
brethren has caused many of them to be eaten(!) &
was quoted as saying “ ” because the pecan beast
cannot talk either.
Pecan pie lovers have been walking about town with
nets in their backpacks full of pie ingredients in a
moronic attempt to catch the pecan beast. Much to the
derision of this reporter those pie lovers caught the
winged beast & cooked him up real nice. President
(The Joe) quickly invented an enlarging machine so all
of Piemerica could share in the dynamite & sewage
covered pecan beast pie.
Isle–Takem Wedding
Floorence Isle was married to
Ligsnon Takem recently.
Ligsnon apparently had a pet
monkey in which he did not
tell Floorance about that got
loose at the wedding. Ligsnon
was dressed in his deluxe
yokel tux after being attacked
in some way by his pet
monkey Dialm shown here at
the wedding.
Log Milker’s Corner
Log Milker’s Corner returns for all of you book loving
loggers. Who loves the textable accord? You do, yes
you do. Log milking is like when you wish for wings
then you go out back choppify some treens & that
occurs you to fly away. Fly away log lovers, fly away!
The wind makes you see things up here. Up here in
space. The wind makes you see things up here. Up here
in space, the wind makes you see things.
Obituary: Tuvalu to Willet B. Worthet age 17
Seventeen-year-old male Willet B. Worthet recently studied
about the shelf life of certain foods in his nutrition class.
Fearing he would die young Willet decided to freeze dry
himself & live in a can. The rest of the details are legally too
gruesome to go into here. Willet was reached by Piemerican
Magazine Star reporter Pai Erica moments before entering the
canned tomb. Pai asked, “Do you know what a stupid idea this
is?” Willet responded, “We’ll see who survives the nuclear
attack from the Tuvaluans in the year 4230b!” Willet’s mother,
Edna Ott Worthet, told Piemerican Magazine that “The b in the
year 4230 refers to an alternate dimension. So you can of
course understand that my son is actually from the year 2007b
after pulling a stunt like this.” Our final words come from
Willet’s father Edward Worthet, “Willet never wanted to be
cremated and since this is the opposite I suppose he’s happy.
We’ve already stuck his can on our specially remodeled mantle.
We even printed a nice label for the can as well.”
Top Story
Food With Attitude On page 15
13
MAR: Diz id de loif
(The Joe): Yiz ser oo ze end empth oft Silx Riv
eu
MAR: An now ed ez adually 20 'ot 6
(The Joe): Yooz is right Pinchi an aught slix
hoo wauld hoof thunk ket?
MAR: I wud ave
(The Joe): Wal land doo meztur Lig shawt
MAR: Ack purring 'ot 6 laymons wer un
derr...[drools] kay rott brance
(The Joe): Wee! Kept oll aur khikcens in lyne
look warm softs en aye siser born
MAR: Guiz knamed Ray wir wotched form
tikits
(The Joe): I ad to splen oll day mun knee ei
urned et diy Tortose Florm joust to eber meat
ai gooi numed Ray.
MAR: Dat es ei avery
lundy copped a wape
cape as wynder
kertones [snaps fingers
tonily]
(The Joe): Ei ived nder
he ea n t ix
MAR: Ez yor VOICE! ok?
(The Joe): o [ on't hink
t sÏ
MAR: Can Ew Yell Like
Me Kan!?!
(The Joe): O [ AN'T ELL
T LL!
Steam Puppet: Shut uh
you! [shakes fist
twartingly]
MAR: [shut uhs]
(The Joe): oN't AKE e OmE VeR hERe!
[ hakes ist wartingly]
Steam Puppet: HA! You can't even yell over
here
(The Joe): 'm OiNg o All He OpS!
MAR: [Dials phone & hands it to (The Joe)]
(The Joe): eLLo? oLicE? hErE s \ teAM uppet
eLling t e.
Steam Puppet: You didn't call the clops you
had old MARia do it for you. Plus he called the
Police not the cops.
(The Joe): [Gives MAR(ia) a Savage Beating]
MAR: Know dehee he he [giggle d gig] Steem
Poopet es tarning os ogainosteef odor.
(The Joe): ou team uppets re ll he ame.
ou're ll ade f team!
MAR: Yah oond yor all maid oove steim two!
(The Joe): [ ust aid hat!
Steam Puppet: You'll never get me coppers
because I ain't done nothin'n wrong & I'm
made of steam of course.
Coppers: [shoot guns at Steam Puppet]
Steam Puppet: Why don't you put bullets in
those guns?
MAR: ow uns hat hoot uns
(The Joe): ey! on't teal y it!
MAR: Row Kave Row Cave
Boss Copper: Move move move! Charlie go
around behind him. Penny reach for the sky
& then grab it & hit him with it!
[Steam Puppet burns Charlie]
Copper Charlie: Aaaah!!
Copper Penny: Charlie!
Boss Copper: No Penny
Nooo!
[Steam Puppet burns
Penny]
Copper Penny: Aaaah!!
Boss Copper: [looks at
(The Joe) with gun still
pointed at Steam
Puppet] (The Joe) quick
give me that bucket of
dry ice [Turns head back
to Steam Puppet]
(The Joe): k ere ou o
Boss Copper: What?
(The Joe): [Throws dry
ice bucket to Boss
Copper who wasn't
looking & knocks him
out]
MAR: 0 no! Dee Steam poopet is glowing to
cill us. Wee!
Steam Puppet: You Idiots can't stop I! Ar har
goo gar har!
(The Joe): [Takes a shower for 40 minutes]
ow [ ave y wn team uppet
MAR: Git hem steemy!
(The Joe)'s Steam Puppet: [Gives Steam
Puppet a Savage Beating]
(The Joe): oy m [ lad hat s ver
MAR: Boot eu stall kint tawlk write
(The Joe): ould [ ever nyway?
MAR: Huk! Wiz You shawl candit
(The Joe): Zow ack to izzness
14
MAR: Zan't we glow uno lime idout halving
the clops kulled?
(The Joe): Zee farst time we iddn't glet the
clops kulled on uz.
MAR: Yooz is roit again B(lee Go)e
(The Joe): Aye, mi nayme ez (Zlee Joe)
MAR: Ei tawlked yo lon't call me thut naw mar
(The Joe): I rode a cantelope nooz in day bak
of a truck t-hat(s) careied ducks like ai loond
rooven slock ack booning card lyving co-den-
bowl.
MAR: Wer ez dee can-de-bowl eye won't
slum cindy.
(The Joe): [Gasps!] Emp u kno that u ez
murgied u kon't ave Cindy.
MAR: Ei mant candy. Dudn't oo slee miz
laower kased lebber.
(The Joe): Loy ef I red
yor wirds ike dey were
spult I waldo be az
confoosed as deez
readers.
MAR: Lave Waldo oot
oof daise. Ee dadn't
dew noding too yoo.
(The Joe): Ei mant
would. Dudn't oo slee
miz laower kased
lebber?
MAR: Yez.
(The Joe): Will at laste I
azked uu
MAR: Pon't eu alk ah
boot Will dhat wai!
(The Joe): Ei mant will.
Dudn't oo slee miz laower kased lebber?
MAR: Naw gecause et wiz ooper cazed
(The Joe): Ooper cazed! You take that back
right now! [Gets up & grabs murder weapon
of reader's choice]
MAR: Calm down (The Joe) you know I'm just
playing around
(The Joe): [drops murder weapon of reader's
choice] Yeah I know but all this tension of
working like this has me really frazzled some
times.
MAR: But we haven't worked for this
mazagine in three years.
(The Joe): Yehs how did we get our obs ack
the old Supervisor without a hat mad us all
yell too muhch.
MAR: On lee bekows I glot maid at yu florr
mantioning hez name.
(The Joe): [Has memory of dangerous Steam
Puppet "Yar har har gar goo gar"] Yor
wright!!! Ets oul yor fault!!!!
MAR: Ow my ears!!!!!
Supervisor: [falls off roof] Ow my ears!!! I
mean.. Ow my broken leg!!!
(The Joe): [the sound of painful yelling
breaks (The Joe)'s legs] Ow miz eers!!!!&
Laig!!!!!
Rod Mooz: Oww my self respect for
appearing in 3 'ot 6 reviews!!!!
Sif Ab: ears n't My hurt do
MAR: Way to ruin a bit Sif
(The Joe): Yeah you really did it this time.
Sif Ab: what? Did
MAR: Ruined our funny
rehashing of a 3 year old
bit.
(The Joe): I sure still
think it's funny.
Rod Mooz: I don't but
I've lost touch with
myself.
MAR: Have you lost your
touch? No you're just out
of reach.
Rod Mooz: No idiot I'm
out of your reach.
El Rey: I'm the one that
insults around here
stupid!
Stu & Pid: Me be I
P.O.C.: You really dug
hard to get an obscureo like him in here.
Supervisor: Yeah good deal.. I'm trying to
replace those two idiots MAR & (The Joe). If I
could still walk things would be better
though.
Sif Ab: Joe) a for while. talked not (The has
Supervisor: And perhaps he'll never talk
again!
Rod Mooz: Then what is delay bludee point
of calling this the 'ot 6 Review?
Supervisor: There isn't. [disappears into
forever]
P.O.C.: Actually it’s 2006 so it is still
perfectly fine to call it ‘ot 6 Review
[disappears into forever]
15
This is your brain
without drugs idiot!
Piemerican Knews~
Food with Attitude
Piemerica’s newest food fad is food with attitude or crude food as it is called by some of the hipper
peeps. It is a promotional gimmick made to infuriate consumers into well consuming. The food packaging is
littered with phrases designed to catch the consumer’s attention. Not even poison is this abrasive in advertising.
There is also now a related Martial Art that has begun to be formed. Kung Food, originally invented by (The Joe), has
leaked to the streets and now Piemerican teens are taking part in this form of extreme eating. These kids are untrained &
using an innovative, modified form of the Ancient Piemerican Martial Art which is highly dangerous. Emperor MAR was
reached for a comment, “Kung Food is a full integration of food into your lifestyle whether it be for rest or for war. Kung
Food proves that an apple a day doesn't always keep the doctor away.”
Some Piemerican teens have in fact taken on Kung Food as a lifestyle sleeping with soft drinks as pillows, using bell
peppers as crude doorknockers, cauliflower ear muffs, gambling with diced tomatoes, chewing up fruits and spitting them
out to make juice, laying in lasagna beds, and even replacing father figures with soda pop.
Here are some examples:
Even food related products are now carrying phrases with this attitude.
16
Piemerican Officers Of Police department Academy
Piemerican Officers Of Police department wants you to be a
law enforcement police officer cop.
Join the POOPd Academy the top police training school in all
of Piemerica including Piemerican Ecuador. Come to 312
Privilege Lane to be held at gunpoint by our decorated Chief
Ellis A. Ledter & be forced to join the POOPd Academy.
We vigorously train all of our cadets unto expertise in the
following skills:
As a final test of your loyalty & skills you will be pitted in a pie
eating contest against a sumo wrestler who hasn’t eaten in 3
hours (*editor’s note: that is a very long time for a sumo
wrestler to go without eating). If you fail to win the pie eating
contest, as most do, you will have one more chance to pave
your way to graduation as you then have a 12 hour sumo match
to the death.. with a tank! We do this to ensure that only the
finest police officers are put on our police force. This also is
why we have such a shortage of police officers on our force &
why we need you, the upstanding or downsitting Piemerican
citizen to come join us at the Piemerican Officers Of Police
department Academy, 312 Privilege Lane, Piemerica.
Upon your arrival at our stunning facilities you’ll be greeted by our drill
sergeant Tikeem Renrenwald who will promptly demolish your self-
esteem & shower steam as cadets are trained to take 8 second showers.
You’ll be whisked away into our community bungalow to seemingly put
all of your belongings safely down only to find out later that savages
have eaten your clothes & are wearing your lunches. Soon after meeting
other terror filled cadets in the bungalow, you’ll be treated to an
orientation seminar where you get electrodes attached to your temples to
‘reprogram’ you into believing in Santa Claus.. oh yeah & to be an
unstoppable, crime crushing, power abusing madman. Then you will be
subject to our intensive 3-day training regiment shown below.
Book Drinking
Cat Calming
Cellulite Control
Chair Sitting
Criminal Hop Scotch
Donut Eating
Gun Shooting
Malicious Beatings
Hot Air Ballooning
Log Milking
Conspiracy Beatings
Savage Beatings
Non-Sense Writing
Oven Timing
Pie Eating
Police Lingo Usage
Reading
Speed Racing
The Weather Channel
Opposition
Strobe Dancing in Siren Lights
We turned the old Pollution
factory outside of Emperor MAR's
house into our new state of the
art training facility.
17
0
2
2001-2007 Piemerica 2001-2007 Piemerica 2001-2007 Piemerica 2001-2007 Piemerica

Sign up to vote on this title
UsefulNot useful