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LIRE ET SURLIGNER LES PARTIES IMPORTANTES + RECOPIER LA MAIN CHAPTER 1 Attempted Arrest As Ignatius waits outside the department store for his mother, he is spotted by a policeman, Angelo Mancuso. Officer Mancuso suspects this large, oddly-dressed character may be a pervert and attempts to take him into custody. An indignant Ignatius resists, striking the patrolman with the sheet music and lute string he has recently purchased. Soon, a crowd forms around the struggling pair. A kindly old man named Claude Robichaux tries to stick up for Ignatius, caling him a "good boy" who is just "waiting for his momma." Mr. Robichaux then accuses the patrolman of being a communist. Emerging from the store, Mrs. Reilly sees the commotion and pushes her way through the crowd in an attempt to help her son. Ignatius quickly turns on his protector, claiming that poor Mr. Robichaux started all the trouble. At the urging of Mrs. Reilly and after calling all the police communists, a confused Mr. Robichaux is taken away to jail. Ignatius and his mother waste no time fleeing. The Night of Joy Bar Ignatius's large frame makes him need to stop to rest. He and Mrs. Reilly enter the Night of Joy, a strip club and bar on Bourbon Street. They get the worst possible service from the bartender, "treatment given unwanted customers." Undeterred, Mrs. Reilly orders a couple of beers. Ignatius recounts the horrors of his trip on a Greyhound Scenicruiser to Baton Rouge--the only trip Ignatius has ever taken out of New Orleans. The purpose of the trip to Baton Rouge was a job interview with the chairman of the Medieval Culture Department of a university. Ignatius got sick on the bus ride and vomited several times. In Baton Rouge, after the department chairman mocked his lumber jacket, Ignatius was convinced that he could not possibly take the job, since the chairman was a"totally soulless man." He was so overwhelmed that he ran to the bathroom to relieve himself. Ignatius placed his lumber jacket over the booth, and it was suddenly whisked away. Traumatized, he decided to go home immediately. Refusing to relive the nightmare of the Scenicruiser, however, he took a taxi that cost forty dollars. The Police Precinct Meanwhile, Mr. Robichaux has been taken to the police precinct and placed on the bench with other criminals. Next to him is a young black man, Burma Jones, who is wearing space-age sunglasses and smoking a cigarette. It appears that Jones was arrested more for his race than for any deed. While Jones had been standing in Woolsworth, someone had stolen some cashew nuts. A police officer had immediately grabbed and whisked Jones away, despite his protestations that he did not even like cashews. Mr. Robichaux is called before the police sergeant, who indicates that Officer Mancuso has alleged that the old man resisted arrest and called him a communist. But the sergeant turns on Mancuso when he learns that Mr. Robichaux is a grandfather and that he was merely sticking up for a poor boy who was waiting for his momma. The sergeant states that Mancuso is "the only guy on the force" who would try to arrest a kid with his mother and a grandfather. The sergeant decides to teach Mancuso a lesson. The Nazi Proprietress

Back at the Night of Joy, Ignatius has now told the Baton Rouge story four times. As he recounts it again, he attracts the attention of a B-Girl, Darlene. At the same time, Mrs. Reilly is making conversation with another bar patron, Dorian Greene, an elegantly dressed young man with a green velvet jacket, who is drinking daiquiris. Greene tells Mrs. Reilly that he trades in used clothing and buys her hat for fifteen dollars. Suddenly, the door to the bar slams open and the proprietress, Lana Lee, enters. When she sees the Reillys, she is outraged that these "characters" have been allowed to loiter in her establishment. Lee views customers like Ignatius and his mother as the "kiss of death" for her investment. She berates her staff, Darlene in particular, for fraternizing with them, and she promptly throws the two out of her bar. The Car Accident Mrs. Reilly and Ignatius return to their 1946 Plymouth and attempt to leave. Mrs. Reilly, however, is having some trouble getting out of her parking spot, which is a situation made worse by Ignatius's comments coming from the backseat--he refuses to sit in the front, having read somewhere that the front is the most dangerous. Mrs. Reilly finally exits the parking space, but the car skids across the wet street and slams into the side of a building, causing an entire balcony to come crashing down onto the car. Patrolman Mancuso just happens to be in the vicinty of the car when the accident occurs. He is now adorned in ballet tights and a yellow sweater. As punishment for arresting a grandfather and harrassing a boy and his mother, the sergeant has limited Mancuso's duties to "bringing in suspicious characters"--and now requires that he put on a costume and become a new character every day. After hearing the crash, he arrives on the scene and sees a green hunting cap emitting vomit. CHAPTER 2 Fortuna's Wheel As a medievalist, Ignatius reads the writings of the philosopher Boethius, in particular his De Consolatione Philosophiae (The Consolation of Philosophy). From that work comes Ignatius's belief in the "wheel of fortune," on which the blind goddess Fortuna spins each person. The attempted arrest by Officer Mancuso and the subsequent car accident convince Ignatius that Fortuna has started him on a bad, downward cycle. Suffering the trauma of the downward cycle, Ignatius confines himself to his bedroom, where he chronicles his version of history on tablets of Big Chief paper. Further, the stress of these incidents is manifesting itself physically. They have caused his pyloric valve to close--an ailment he suffers anytime he is subjected to anxiety and stress. With his valve sealed shut, gas fills his stomach, and he becomes severely bloated. In an attempt to pry his valve open, Ignatius lays on his stomach and begins bounhing up and down on his bed. Though it does not open the valve, the bouncing does cause a small erection, to which Ignatius decides to tend. Visualizing his childhood dog, Rex, he brings himself to climax. Vagrancy and the Porter Job Upon his departure from the precinct, Jones is instructed to find employment. He is convinced that if he does not find a job, he will be arrested for vagrancy. He applies for a porter job at the Night of Joy bar. At first, Lana Lee refuses, since she does not want any "police characters" ruining her investment. But as she realizes that Jones believes he will be arrested if he is unemployed, she decides to seize on the opportunity and exploit him. Lee offers Jones the job for twenty dollars per week, well below minimum wage. He has to work six days from ten to three, cleaning up the bar. Jones is insulted by the wage, but his fear of prison outweighs his indignation, and he accepts the position.

Darlene arrives at the bar late, due to her pet cockatoo having a cold and coughing in her ear all night. She receives a scolding, both for her late arrival and for failing to rid the bar of Ignatius and his mother the day before. The discussion of the fat man with the green hunting cap, traveling with his momma, gets Jones's attention. This sounds like the same character he heard about yesterday at the precinct. Lee leaves to go shopping and instructs her employees that no one is to fool with the cabinet beneath the bar. Patrolman Mancuso Visits the Reilly Residence Patrolman Mancuso, wearing a t-shirt, bermuda shorts, and a false beard (his costume for the day), visits the Reilly residence to give Mrs. Reilly an update on the car accident. While Mrs. Reilly and the officer sit down in the kitchen to talk, he can hear Ignatius in the other room, watching a dance show on television and shouting at the offenses to taste and decency. Mancuso tells Mrs. Reilly that she owes one thousand twenty dollars for damage to the building due to the car accident. She is overcome with grief, since her only sources of income are her late husband's Social Security and a "two-bit pension," which are not nearly enough to cover the cost of the accident. She begins crying, lamenting that she will be sent to prison. Ignatius shows complete indifference to the situation. Mrs. Reilly complains that Ignatius has a "heart of ice" and does not care if they lock his poor mother up. Mancuso attempts to cheer her up, offering to take her bowling with his aunt. After the patrolman leaves, Mrs. Reilly attempts to enter Ignatius's room to discuss her financial problem. She finds the door locked with a "Do Not Disturb" sign on it. Ignatius refuses to let her in, but she starts slamming herself into the door, and he relents. Inside, Mrs. Reilly is besieged by a terrible odor and finds Big Chief tablets strewn on the floor. She demands that Ignatius go out and start looking for a job to help her pay off the debt. Ignatius is outraged, stating that employers will not hire him since they do not appreciate his worldview, and he accuses his mother of being drunk. But Mrs. Reilly won't budge from her demand, so Ignatius decides to give in, concluding that there is "no use fighting Fortuna until the cycle was over." Ignatius Goes to the Movies The chapter concludes with Ignatius taking one of his frequent trips to the movie theater. He sits with three Milky Ways and two bags of popcorn. As the movie begins, Ignatius loudly voices his disgust with the "abortion" of a movie that is playing itself out on the screen. His commentary causes the children to stare and giggle. Judging from the manager's response, Ignatius is not an infrequent sight at the theater. CHAPTER 3 The Job Search Ignatius returns from a day of job searching looking like he is ready to die. His valve closed on the streetcar. He relates a terrible and insulting interview at an insurance company--he was so insulted, in fact, that he was of course unable to look for any other jobs. Looking through the newspaper, Mrs. Reilly finds an ad by Levy Pants for a "clean," "hardworking" man who is the "quiet type." People are directed to apply between eight and nine in the morning. The prospect of waking so early does not appeal to Ignatius, yet he proposes that he get a job as a paper boy, with Mrs. Reilly driving him around to deliver the papers. She insists that he give Levy Pants a try. The Tip Patrolman Mancuso calls the Reilly residence to speak with Mrs. Reilly. When Ignatius answers the phone, he calls the officer a "mongoloid" and tells him that he should be spending his time investigating "dens like that Night of Joy." This strikes Mancuso as a

great idea, and he sees it as an opportunity to get back into the Sergeant's good graces. He tells the Sergeant that he has a lead on the Night of Joy, but when the Sergeant asks where the information came from, Mancuso decides not to mention Ignatius again. Instead, he refers to a woman who had visited the bar. The Sergeant responds that the informant is probably herself a B-Girl and obviously not trustworthy. He tells Mancuso that today's costume is that of a soldier and then sends him away. The Sergeant sends a few undercover officers to the bar in case Mancuso is right anyway. Levy Pants Levy Pants is a wholesale pants producer. The office manager, Mr. Gonzalez, is extremely loyal and loves Levy Pants. He arrives early every day, eager to put the Levy Pants Plan into action. Mr. Levy himself is not so committed to Levy Pants, and he only comes in when he needs Gonzalez to make him reservations for some sporting event. The other pillar of the Levy Pants office is Miss Trixie, a senile old woman who only wants two things in life: the Easter ham that her employer has promised her (she never received her Thanksgiving turkey) and to retire. Gonzalez cannot allow her to retire, pursuant to Mrs. Levy's orders. Mrs. Levy, who took a correspondence course in psychology, believes that for her own good, Miss Trixie must remain employed so that she is made to feel wanted. Aside from Miss Trixie, Gonzalez has great difficulty finding and retaining employees, due to the poor conditions and low wages. He is thrilled when the large, impressive figure of Ignatius J. Reilly appears. After some haggling about wages, Ignatius agrees to accept a filing job. George and the Orphans At the Night of Joy, Lana Lee constantly berates Jones for his subpar cleaning skills, and she threatens to call the police on him any time he talks back to her. Suddenly George, a young boy with oily hair and flamenco boots, enters the bar. He opens a flashy wallet and gives Lana a large roll of bills. Lana asks him if the "orphans liked them," and George responds that the orphans liked "the one on the desk with the glasses on." He suggests that Lana do more like that one, perhaps with a blackboard and book. Jones is immediately suspicious of George, and he presses his employer regarding what George is delivering to the orphans. Lana assures him that it is just a little charity. Myrna Minkoff Ignatius receives a letter from his ex-girlfriend, the minx Myrna Minkoff. It appears to be a response to previous correspondence from Ignatius about the attempted arrest and the car accident. She dismisses both incidents as paranoid fantasies, manifestations of his feelings of failure. She tells Ignatius that his only hope is to commit himself to some crucial problem of the times. Myrna also informs Ignatius that she is helping produce a bold and shattering movie, and she offers Ignatius the part of the landlord--the "sick, reactionary villian in the script." Ignatius is so offended and outraged by the letter that he vows that he will "show this offensive trollop." CHAPTER 4 The Abelman Letter Mr. Levy briefly stops by the Levy Pants office to see if he has any personal mail. After being introduced to the new employee, Ignatius Reilly, he is told that one of the distributors, Abelman's Dry Goods, has complained that the last shipment of trousers had pants only two feet long in the leg. Mr. Gonzalez assures Mr. Levy that he has written Mr. Abelman and will resolve the matter. Once Mr. Levy leaves and Gonzalez goes into the Levy Pants factory to speak with the foreman, Ignatius takes it upon himself to revise the letter to Mr. Abelman. Ignatius is convinced that "If Levy Pants was

to succeed, the first step would be imposing a heavy hand upon its detractors." The amended letter is addressed to "Mr. I. Ableman, Mongoloid, Esq." and claims that Levy Pants intentionally sent the defective pants in order to test Abelman's Dry Goods. A loyal and dependable outlet of Levy Pants products would be able to make the two-foot long pants into a fashion trend and sell them to the public--a test Abelman's Dry Goods has clearly failed. The letter threatens that if Mr. Abelman is to molest Levy Pants again, he shall "feel the sting of the lash" across his "pitiful shoulders." The Admirer Mrs. Reilly can hardly believe that Ignatius is finally working and that she has a quiet house to herself. She reflects back to the night that she and Mr. Reilly went to the movies to see Clark Gable and Jean Harlow in Red Dust. Upon returning from the movie, Mr. Reilly had tried one of his "indirect approaches"--and Ignatius was conceived. Mr. Reilly never went to another movie again. Mrs. Reilly's recollection is interupted by the ringing of the telephone. She answers the phone, and Santa Battaglia (Patrolman Mancuso's aunt, with whom Mrs. Reilly has been spending her evenings bowling) tells her that at the fish market, an old man came up and inquired about Mrs. Reilly. He said that he had been at the bowling alley the other night and had seen Santa with a woman that had "sorta red hair." After Santa told the old man that the red-haired woman was her friend Mrs. Reilly, he merely tipped his hat and walked out of the market. Levy's Lounge Levy's Lounge is the home of Mr. and Mrs. Levy, located on the coast, far away from the hassles of the Levy Pants factory. The lounge is filled with all of the material comforts that ownership of Levy Pants has afforded the Levys. The only thing Mr. and Mrs. Levy find ungratifying about the home is each other. Mrs. Levy spends her days complaining about the chance Mr. Levy has squandered to take Levy Pants nationwide, and she berates him for giving his late father a bad name. Mr. Levy retorts that his father was nothing but a mean, cheap man who went out of his way to ignore Mr. Levy's suggestions and initiatives. Mrs. Levy assures him that he is lucky to have her around, since at least she has an interest in Levy Pants--and, more importantly, in Miss Trixie. Journal of the Working Boy Ignatius decides against going to the movie theater, since the film being shown was widely praised and he is not interested in seeing it. Instead, he stays home and begins a journal of his entrance into the working world of the Twentieth Century. In this journal, he reveals some of the innovations that he has brought to Levy Pants. For example, by arriving to work one hour later than expected, he can ensure that he is more rested and refreshed. Additionally, he has an innovation in connection with the filing system: by throwing files in the trash, he opens up more filing space and avoids a potential fire hazard. Ignatius describes Miss Trixie as a wise creature who knows a great deal and who simply uses apathy as a facade. He resolves to bring her a pair of absorbent athletic socks, hoping the gesture will lead her to conversation. Ignatius also notes in his journal that on several occasions, he has heard "hissing and roaring" through the factory door. His "presently somewhat enervated condition" prevents him from visiting the factory right now, but he vows to do so in the future, since he has "deep and abiding convictions concerning social action" and is "certain that I can perhaps do something to aid these factory folk."

CHAPTER 5 Police Problems Lana Lee is reading a news story to Darlene. Three women--Frieda Club, Betty Bumper, and Liz Steele--were arrested for causing a public nuisance. The incident occurred when an unidentified man made a proposal to one of the three, and her two companions promptly attacked him. The man fled from the scene and was seen wearing bowling shoes. The fleeing man is, of course, Patrolman Mancuso, who is continuing to run into bad luck in his quest to arrest suspicious characters. As punishment for this incident, the Sergeant tells Officer Mancuso that he is now assigned to the bathroom at the bus station, where he must sit in a stall for eight hours each day. Lana is having police trouble of her own. Ever since Officer Mancuso told the Sergeant about the Night of Joy, undercover officers have been congregating at the bar each night. The police are a particular threat to Lana, since her low-wage porter would be terrified if he knew the club has essentially become a second precinct--she would no longer be able to exploit him. Lana can easily spot which customers are really police officials, and she makes sure they get the worst service possible. Darlene, on the other hand, lacks this talent, and Lana needs to come up with a way to ensure that Darlene does not try to sell them a drink. Darlene's dream is to become an "exotic," and Darlene suggests that she and her bird audition to dance on the Night of Joy stage. Though horrified at the prospect of Darlene and her animal gyrating on her stage, Lana decides that it is probably safer than having Darlene on the stools with the police. The police presence and Jones's suspicions also have affected Lana's side business with George. When he comes in to pick up that day's packages, Lana tells him that from now on he needs to come by around one o'clock while Jones is away on his lunch break. George protests that he cannot deliver the packages to the orphans until three, and he wants to know what he should do with the packages until that time. Lana suggests he check them into the bus station. Into the Factory After presenting Miss Trixie with a sandwich and a new pair of tube socks, and after decorating the Levy Pants office with a cross, Ignatius decides that his condition has improved enough for him to venture into the Levy Pants factory. The scene which Ignatius confronts strikes him as "mechanized Negro slavery; it represents the progress which the Negro has made from picking cotton to tailoring it." Ignatius believes the source of the factory workers' apathy must be the jazz music which is pouring out from the loudspeaker. In an attempt to liven up the working environment, Ignatius finds the switch and turns off the music. The silence, however, is immediately met with a "boorish roar," and Ignatius realizes he has made a mistake. The music is turned back on, and Ignatius decides he must regain the laborers' favor. Having spent countless hours watching those "blighted children on television dancing to this sort of music," he is well aware of the "physical spasm which it was supposed to elicit," and he begins his own version of the dance moves. Soon he loses his balance and crashes to the factory floor. The factory workers, happy to have a distraction in their otherwise monotonous day, find this odd figure to be wildly entertaining. They spend the day chatting with Ignatius and telling him about conditions in the factory. He is shocked to learn that the average worker earns less than thirty dollars per week, and he believes he may have found the means to get back at the Myrna Minkoffs of the world. Dr. Talc Dr. Talc is a renowned lecturer on British history and one of Ignatius's former professors. He is also a fraud who lacks knowledge in general and, particularly, knowledge of British history. As he looks through a stack of essays which have long sat ungraded at his desk,

he comes across a letter that Ignatius once sent him as a student. The letter states that Talc's ignorance of the subject he teaches warrants the death penalty and adds that his days are numbered. Moreover, according to the letter, his will not be a martyr's death, but instead he will perish as the "total ass" that he really is. It is signed, "Zorro." Dr. Talc wonders aloud whatever happened to Ignatius J. Reilly. CHAPTER 6 Mattie's Rumble Inn & Sabotage Mattie's Rumble Inn is a combination bar and grocery store with a predominately poor, black clientele. Jones is sitting at the bar, complaining to the owner, Mr. Watson, about his rotten lot down at the Night of Joy. He complains of the low salary; it does not provide a decent standard of living. Further, he feels trapped in this terrible position, since quitting may result in vagrancy charges and a prison sentence. Jones describes it as working in modern slavery. Mr. Watson suggests that Jones attempt a little sabotage. When Jones asks what he means, Mr. Watson gives the examples of a maid who puts too much pepper in the soup and the parking attendant who crashes a car. While Mr. Watson and Jones are discussing potential sabotage, another bar patron overhears them and informs them that a real demonstration is being organized down at the Levy Pants factory. A big white man has come into their factory, saying that they need to drop an atom bomb on the company. When the factory worker mentions that the man has a hunting cap, Jones realizes that this is the same big kook with a green cap about whom he is always hearing. He warns the factory worker that Ignatius is wanted by the police, which worries the worker, since he does not want to be led in a demonstration by a convict. The Crusade for Moorish Dignity Ignatius has organized a demonstration at Levy Pants to demand higher wages for the factory employees. Ignatius is convinced that Myrna will be seething with jealousy when she learns of his social crusade. He has instructed the factory workers to supply an arsenal for the protest: sticks, chains, clubs, and so forth. Ignatius arrives at the factory with a new camera to document the events. He is certain that the demonstration has great commercial potential. After a great deal of struggle, some workers are finally able to lift Ignatius's massive frame onto a table. From his perch, Ignatius addresses his mob. He reveals to them a large, yellow-stained bed sheet emblazoned with the words "Crusade for Moorish Dignity"--a banner to be carried proudly into battle. The workers, however, are not eager to carry Ignatius's soiled blanket. Upon Ignatius's order, the makeshift choir begins singing spirituals, and the mob marches into the Levy Pants office. Their fearless leader is left behind, and Ignatius must go to great pains to get himself down from the table. In the process, the camera is broken. Ignatius enters the office behind the mob, pushes his way to the front of the crowd, and confronts Gonzalez. He asks the surprised, frightened office manager whether he refuses to help these people, and before Gonzalez can comprehend what is happening and provide an answer, Ignatius gives an "attack" order. This behavior strikes the workers as unfair, because he has not given Gonzalez the opportunity to speak. This issue, combined with the fact that word has spread that Ignatius may have a criminal record, leads to a kind of mutiny, and the crusade comes to an end. Ignatius is then fired by Mr. Levy. He plans a week in bed, with service, so that he can rejuvenate himself. Mrs. Reilly will hear none of it, however, insisting that his job search resume immediately. It is clear to Ignatius that Fortuna has decided on another downward turn. Blackmail

Mr. Levy returns to Levy's Lounge after firing Ignatius, and he tells Mrs. Levy about the events at the factory. He explains that the reason for Ignatius's firing was that he was telling the employees they were underpaid and overworked, and that Ignatius had advocated attacking the office and its manager. Mrs. Levy is shocked and appalled that Mr. Levy terminated this young idealist, who was only looking out for the interests of poor black workers. One of Mrs. Levy's favorite activities is writing to their two daughters, Susan and Sandra, and recounting all of the terrible things their father has done--so that she might turn them against Mr. Levy. She decides to use the information that Mr. Levy has fired a young activist as leverage to blackmail him. Threatening to send a letter to the girls, she demands that he bring Miss Trixie to the lounge so that she could work on rehabilitating the woman. Mr. Levy relents and agrees to present Miss Trixie. CHAPTER 7 Paradise Vendors, Incorporated Ignatius once again sets out grudgingly on a job search. He comes across a garage that used to serve as an automobile repair shop but which now houses Paradise Vendors, Incorporated, a hot dog vending company. Aromas of hot dogs and cement soaked with motor oil fill his nostrils and pull him inside. There he sees an old man, Mr. Clyde, boiling hot dogs in a large pot. Ignatius inquires whether he can purchase one of the man's products. After his fourth hot dog, Ignatius says that he must be off to continue on his job search. Mr. Clyde comments that he is himself in need of employees; it seems hot dog vending is not a popular trade, since the vendors are seen as "bums" and often fall victim to muggings and robberies. Mr. Clyde implores Ignatius to try vending, even if just for a day, but Ignatius is offended by the thought of pushing a hot dog cart. When he refuses and attempts to leave, Mr. Clyde asks for the dollar Ignatius owes for the hot dogs he has consumed. Ignatius replies that it will have to be "on the house," since his mother only gave him enough money for car fare. Clyde threatens to call the police, and Ignatius suddenly finds a hot dog fork at his throat. Then, a compromise is proposed: If Ignatius pushes around a cart for an hour, Mr. Clyde will consider them even. Determining that an hour of vending would be better than death by a rusty fork, Ignatius agrees to the terms. Ignatius gets a hot dog cart and a white smock and then sets off on his route. but instead of vending the products, Ignatius spends the hour eating them himself. George, Lana's delivery boy, comes across Ignatius's cart and asks for a hot dog. But Ignatius's valve protests at the teen's pimples, surly face, aquamarine jacket, and flamenco boots. Instead, he rams the cart straight into George's crotch and moves along. When he returns to the Paradise garage, he makes up a story about being robbed. Mr. Clyde is skeptical (what type of a thief would rob the cart and take only hot dogs?), but he buys the story nonetheless. Ignatius agrees to return to work the next day. Sabotage Jones is putting the preliminary steps of his sabotage plan into action. When cleaning the floors, he plows rather than mops, ensuring that linear streaks of dust remain. But this is merely subtle sabotage; Jones has larger plans in store for Lana. Since the undercover officers have given up on the bar and are not coming in anymore, Lana no longer has any need for Darlene to perform on stage. Rather, Lana prefers that she return to working the stools and hustling drinks, since it is much cheaper to have someone like Darlene on commission than on salary. When Lana tells Darlene she cannot be an exotic, Darlene is heartbroken and pleads with Lana to give her and her bird a chance. Seeing an opportunity to further his sabotage goals, Jones joins in urging Lana to give the bird show a shot. Lana eventually gives in.

Lana has obtained a globe and chalk (which she deducts as business expenses, of course), which she purchased in preparation for satisfying the orphans' request for more of the teacher motif. Now she just needs a book, but she refuses to buy a book and decides that if George wants a book to be included, he will have to get it himself. Lana plans the appropriate pose in her mind--something that combines grace and obscenity. But it must be nothing too raw, since she is trying to appeal to children after all. Disgrace & the Minx Upon learning that Ignatius has taken a job as a hot dog vendor, Mrs. Reilly calls her friend Santa Battaglia and asks for advice. She is overcome with humiliation that her son, with all of his education and intelligence, has stooped so low as to become a "bum." Santa sympathizes with Mrs. Reilly's situation, and she indicates that her nephew, Patrolman Mancuso, is having career trouble of his own. He has still not apprehended a suspicious character, and the chill in the bus station bathroom has given him a terrible cold. Ignatius has loaned the officer a copy of Boethius's work, calling it "inspirational literature." Mrs. Reilly hopes the work, which is about being consoled by thinking about higher things while in an imprisoned state, will help cheer up Mancuso, though Santa does not trust anything from Ignatius. To get his mother's mind off of Ignatius's new employment, Santa suggests setting up a meeting between Mrs. Reilly and her admirer. Meanwhile, Ignatius is splashing around in the tub, reading the most recent correspondence from M. Minkoff. The letter is written on a flyer, which announces that Myrna will be giving a lecture on "Sex in Politics: Erotic Liberty." Sex is also a primary theme in the letter. Myrna tells Ignatius that his paranoid delusions of the attempted arrest and car accident were probably the result of his "unhealthy attitude toward sex." She urges that he can find his "true self-expression and contentment through satisfying, natural orgasm." Ignatius decides he must respond to Myrna's offenses to taste and decency, and he pens a letter of his own (written on Levy Pants stationery). In it he predicts that a single old man will be the lone member of the audience during Myrna's lecture. With Myrna pounding sexual references into his head, he will no doubt "exhibit" himself. Ignatius closes the letter by informing Myrna that he is now connected with the food merchandising industry. CHAPTER 8 The Miss Trixie Project Having successfully blackmailed Mr. Levy, Mrs. Levy now has Miss Trixie at Levy's Lounge. Despite Miss Trixie's repeated exclamations that she just wants to retire, Mrs. Levy keeps hammering into her head that she is an attractive woman who is valued and wanted. Miss Trixie tells Mrs. Levy about her old friend Gloria, the only Levy Pants coworker to show her some compassion. On one occassion, Gloria even brought her tube socks and a sandwich. Sadly, Mr. Levy viciously and callously fired Gloria. "Gloria," of course, is really Ignatius (Gloria was a former Levy Pants employee, for whom she is mistaking Ignatius). Unaware of this fact, Mrs. Levy is outraged that her husband terminated not only the young idealist but also kind-hearted Gloria. This idea provides her with additional fodder for turning her daughters against their father. Patrolman Mancuso's Run-in with George Wearing a false beard and monocle and feeling sicker than ever, Patrolman Mancuso is sitting in a bathroom stall, reading the copy of The Consolation of Philosophy which Ignatius lent him. Peering through the crack in the stall door, he notices a young man at the lavatories, George. Recognizing him as someone he has seen hanging around at the bus station every day, Mancuso decides to confront him. When George responds nervously, Mancuso attempts to take him into custody. Grabbing the large Boethius book

from the patrolman's grasp, he slams the book against the side of Mancuso's head and escapes the bathroom. Before leaving the bus station, he opens a locker and removes the packages he had stored inside. The scene means bad luck for George, since he fears that the officer will be patrolling the station all the time now. George decides that he needs to find a new place to store Lana's products. Some good did come from the confrontation, however, since he still has the Boethius in his hands--so Lana now has a book for her pose. Matchmaking Playing matchmaker, Santa Battaglia throws a small get-together in an attempt to introduce Mrs. Reilly and her admirer. Santa makes some potato salad and invites her nephew, Officer Mancuso, as well. Feeling tired and extremely sick, Mancuso lays down to rest in the back, while Mrs. Reilly throws down drink after drink, nervously awaiting her suitor. Once her admirer arrives, she recognizes him as Claude Robichaux, the old man who tried to stand up for Ignatius outside of D.H. Holmes. As they reminisce about the events outside of the department store, Claude recounts how humiliated he was when he learned that his daughter and her family had been informed of his arrest. He states that he still hates that communist of a police officer who took him into custody. Thus, there is quite a bit of tension in the room when Santa brings Mancuso in from the back. Claude even threatens that if the patrolman were not a cop, he would punch him right in the nose. Things settle down eventually, and everyone makes up after Mancuso apologizes for arresting Claude. All agree, however, that someone still deserves a punch in the nose. CHAPTER 9 The Health Board Violation Mr. Clyde is berating Ignatius. Apparently a health official witnessed Ignatius playing with a cat in the gutter while on his hot dog route, and a complaint has been issued from the Board of Health. Moreover, Ignatius is still not bringing in much money, since he spends more time sitting and eating the Paradise products than selling them. Yet, Clyde decides not to fire Ignatius, because he at least shows up every day (though certainly not on time) and because he sympathizes with the sad tales he has heard about Ignatius's home life (Ignatius has exaggeratingly told him of his "drunken mother, the damages that had to be paid, the threat of penury for both son and mother, the mother's lascivious friends"). Clyde assigns him to a new route, the French Quarter, to target tourists. Also, from now on he needs to use gimmicks. The news that his new route will be in a "sinkhole of vice" leaves Ignatius in a dark mood for the rest of the day. To make his mood worse, when he returns home his mother starts interrogating him about whether or not he is a communist (a suspicion she no doubt picked up from her new suitor, Claude). Ignatius assures her that he is no communist and that, in fact, he would prefer a "good, strong monarchy with a tasteful and decent king." This remark, however, only gives his mother greater concern that there is something wrong with her son. A new letter has arrived from Myrna. She characterizes his previous letter as a "antisemitic prank" and hypothesizes that his hostility toward her lecture was merely a manifestation of his feelings of failure. She urges him to do something, to volunteer somewhere. Myrna advises that an open heart is the key to an open valve. The Southern Belle Darlene is finally ready to reveal her bird act to Lana. The act consists of Darlene, adorned in an orange dress with rings attached to it, gyrating around the stage while the cockatoo pulls on the rings, thus yanking the dress from Darlene's body. As Darlene

prepares to give Lana a preview of the routine in action, Lana instructs Jones to put on the record player. He responds that twenty dollars a week does not cover operating a record player, and Lana predictably threatens to call the police and report Jones for vagrancy. In response, Jones vows that he will one day crack the mystery of the orphan deliveries, and then he will be the one calling the police on Lana. Darlene finally begins her routine, and Lana is horrified when she sees Darlene bumping around the stage, moaning "oh, oh." Lana, meanwhile, has come up with her own idea for an act. Claiming that what customers really want to see is a "sweet, clean virgin" getting insulted and stripped, she devises a routine whereby Darlene will play an innocent Southern Belle on a plantation who gets her clothes ripped from her body by her pet bird. Further, Lana sees this act as an opportunity to get back at Jones, and she informs him that he will be working as the doorman for the plantation. While Lana is trying futilely to teach Darlene her lines, Jones notices that Lana has left the cabinet beneath the bar unlocked. Inside he sees ten neatly-stacked packages wrapped in plain paper, as well as a globe, some chalk, and a book. Not wanting to sabotage his discovery (he is sure that Lana will notice if anything has been moved), he takes a pencil from the bar and writes the Night of Joy address along the side of each package in minutely small writing. He hopes the address will bring a professional saboteur into the bar. The Ultimatum At the precinct, a very sick Patrolman Mancuso pleads with the Sergeant to take him out of the bus station bathroom. He tells the Sergeant that he is coming down with "pneumodia." The Sergeant gives in and agrees to give Mancuso another chance on the streets. He warns Mancuso that if he does not apprehend a suspicious character within two weeks, he will be off the force. Ignatius the Pirate From Ignatius's next entry in his Journal of a Working Boy, we learn that Mr. Clyde's "gimmick" for Ignatius is to dress him up like a pirate before sending him off to the French Quarter. The costume, unfortunately, was designed for a body of ordinary dimensions, not for Ignatius's hulking frame, and a compromise must be reached. Ignatius ties the red pirate scarf about his hunting cap, screws in one golden hoop earring, and affixes a black plastic cutlass to the side of his vendor's smock. Thus attired as a true swashbuckler, he ventures to the French Quarter (though only after having a sword fight with his employer--cutlass versus rusty fork). Dr. Talc Dr. Talc is flirting with an attractive young student, contemplating whether to invite her to have a drink with him. He soon realizes, however, that her true motive is to find out what grade she received on the report she turned in two months ago. As he searches for the unreturned (and likely ungraded) essay, a paper airplane which was sent through his window some years ago now drops to the floor. It reads that Talc had been found "guilty of misleading and perverting the young" and proposes that he be hung by his "underdeveloped testicles until dead." The paper is signed, "Zorro." The girl drops the airplane into her purse. CHAPTER 10 Ignatius the Nuclear Bomb At Mattie's Rumble Inn, Jones is again complaining about his miserable existence at the Night of Joy. Mr. Watson suggests that he call the police and tell them that he will be quitting the bar and get a new job soon. Jones flatly rejects this idea, saying he would

rather "mop a whore floor, than go to jail." Suddenly, it occurs to Jones exactly what he needs to do to really sabotage Lana Lee. He remembers the fat kook with the green hunting cap who was stirring up trouble over at Levy Pants. He says he wants to drop Ignatius on the Night of Joy like a "nucular bum," since he is just the kind of character who can "make that Lee mother shit in her drawer." Jones plans to be the "mos sabotagin doorman ever guarded a plantation." The Ladies' Art Guild & Dorian Greene Ignatius reads in the morning paper that the Ladies' Art Guild is hanging its paintings in Pirate's Alley. He assumes the exhibit will be offensive enough to interest him for a while, and he decides to push his hot dog cart in that direction. When he arrives at the hanging and pushes into the crowd of well-dressed ladies with hats, his costume and the sign on his hot dog cart (on which he has written "Twelve Inches (12) of Paradise") cause quite a stir. The situation deteriorates as Ignatius begins to loudly criticize the ladies' artwork. After Ignatius and the women exchange unpleasantries, he continues on his way. As he is walking away from the exhibit, he runs into Dorian Greene, the flamboyant homosexual who purchased his mother's hat in the Night of Joy. Dorian is tickled by the pirate costume and remarks that Ignatius would surely bring down the house at a party. Trying to get rid of Dorian, Ignatius points out a sailor walking down the street, noting that "He looks rather lonely." That is no sailor, Dorian replies, but his old, dear friend Timmy. Ignatius is stunned that someone would impersonate a member of the armed forces. Suddenly, he is struck with an idea: if homosexuals infiltrated the armed forces and highest levels of the U.S. Government, and then that infiltration spread across the globe, the next "war" could be a huge orgy instead. This, Ignatius realizes, could be the key to lasting peace--and, more importantly, leading such a movement might allow him to assault the effrontery of Myrna Minkoff. Ignatius proposes to Dorian that they form a political party immediately and start running candidates. Further, Ignatius states, they will need a kickoff rally. This soundd like a party to Dorian, who has not had a good party in quite a while. Dorian thinks his friends would get a kick out of this large buffoon, so he agrees to hold the rally, though he warns Ignatius that there may be a few costumes. Storage For George, the problem was all a matter of storage. Because the porter (Jones) was constantly snooping around to get information about the deliveries to the orphans, Lana was insisting that George come by at lunchtime to pick up the packages. But George couldn't deliver them until 3 p.m., so he had to find a place to store them. Since his runin with Mancuso, the bus station was no longer a viable option. Thinking the cathedral might be a safe haven, he spent a few hours sitting in the pews. As soon as he stepped out of the church, however, he saw the patrolman, disguised as a beatnik, coming down the street behind a sailor. Once again, George needed a new location for storage. Then he remembered the large kook with the hot dog cart--the cart's bun compartment might just work. CHAPTER 11 The Debbie Reynolds Movie A relationship is growing between Mrs. Reilly and Claude Robichaux, and Santa holds another get-together to help push the romance along. But as usual, Mrs. Reilly is distracted by the grief Ignatius is causing her and spends most of the evening complaining about him. Santa again suggests shipping Ignatius away to Charity Hospital, and the idea seems to be growing on Mrs. Reilly. To get their minds off of Ignatius, they decide to see the new Debbie Reynolds movie. During the show, Claude reaches over and holds Mrs. Reilly's hand. Mrs. Reilly thinks back to the night that Ignatius was conceived (after she and Mr. Reilly went to a movie) and wonders what

about movies makes men so amorous. When Santa exclaims that "little Debbie's gonna have her a baby," Mrs. Reilly screams wildly and bursts into crazy, loud tears. The Abelman Debacle Having grown bored with the Miss Trixie project, Mrs. Levy has let Mr. Levy return her to the Levy Pants office (much to the dismay of Gonzalez and Miss Trixie herself, who thought she had been retired). Mrs. Levy gives Mr. Gonzalez strict instructions to make sure that Miss Trixie is made to feel wanted. After introducing Mr. and Mrs. Levy to Mr. Zalatimo (the gangster-looking fellow who has replaced Ignatius in the filing department and who has trouble alphabetizing), Mr. Gonzalez gives Mr. Levy a personal letter he has received from Mr. Abelman. The letter states that Mr. Abelman is bringing a libel suit for $500,000 against Mr. Levy, due to the letter calling Mr. Abelman a mongoloid and threatening to lash him. The threat of such a large lawsuit deeply concerns the Levys--particularly Mrs. Levy, who fears that she will have to resort to "Prowling in garbage cans." As they stand in the office, trying to figure out who could have written the slanderous correspondence, Mr. Levy recalls the big fat character with the green cap whom he recently fired, and he asks Gonzalez for his name. Gonzalez replies that the kook's name is Ignatius Reilly, and after looking up the phone number, Mr. Levy calls the Reilly residence. Ignatius's mother answers the phone and tells Mr. Levy that Ignatius will not be returning until later that afternoon and then breaks into tears. As they drive home from Levy Pants, Mr. and Mrs. Levy contemplate how best to respond to the threatened lawsuit. The Bun Compartment George spends the day staked out in front of Paradise Vendors, awaiting the arrival of Ignatius. His plan is to offer him money in exchange for renting out his bun compartment a couple of hours each day. Ignatius finally emerges from the garage, and George hears Mr. Clyde yell after him that he better bring home at least five dollars of profits today or else. As Ignatius pushes his cart along the street, his wheel gets lodged in the groove of a street car track. As he attempts to remove it, Ignatius knocks the whole thing over, directly in the path of an oncoming street car. George offers to help lift the cart, though Ignatius initially refuses the assistance, yelling at the "depraved urchin" to get away. But faced with the approaching tram, Ignatius gives in and accepts the aid. Once the cart is upright again, George hands Ignatius two dollars and asks if Ignatius can return the favor. Specifically, he has school supplies that he needs to deliver, but he cannot take them to the school until 3 p.m., after the school has closed, and he needs a place to store the supplies until then. George asks to rent out the cart's bun compartment in exchange for a couple of dollars each day. Ignatius recognizes George's deception (refusing to believe that supplies are to be delivered only after the school has closed), but after securing the first week's payment in advance, he agrees to the deal. Before he lets George store his products in the compartment, Ignatius snatches one out of his hand and tears open the paper. Inside he finds a pornographic photograph with a nude woman sitting beside a globe on a desk, doing something suggestive with a piece of chalk. The woman's face is covered by the large book she is reading: a copy of The Consolation of Philosophy by Boethius. Seeing the book, Ignatius is instantly delighted by the woman's brilliance and taste, and he decides he needs to find out who this brilliant woman is. Having seen an address written along the side of the package, Ignatius decides he will investigate later to determine the woman's identity.

Ignatius tells George that he has an appointment he must attend to (by which he means a movie he wants to see) and instructs him to tend to the hot dog cart for the next two hours. George protests that he will be late for his deliveries, but Ignatius responds that George is lucky that he doesn't report him to his undercover friend, Officer Mancuso. This scares George into compliance, and Ignatius heads to the theater. Harlett O'Hara After the movie, Ignatius decides to pursue his investigation and heads out to look up the address written along the side of the package. As he heads toward his destination, Ignatius reflects on how wise and beautiful this woman must be, and he even contemplates an affair (particularly because it might make Minkoff jealous). Ignatius is dismayed, however, when his search leads him to the Night of Joy. In the front he reads a poster that advertises an upcoming show at the bar; it says that Harlett O'Hara, the "Virgin-ny Belle," will be performing "with pet!" The poster intrigues Ignatius, and he wonders who this Harlett O'Hara could be and what kind of pet she might have. Seeing Ignatius on the curb, Lana Lee sends Jones out to chase Ignatius away. Jones, however, cannot believe his good luck; "The fat mother dropped out of the sky just when he needed him most." Hoping to locate the Boethius-reading woman from the picture (and to save her from this stinkhole of sin), Ignatius asks Jones if there is a woman working at the bar who is "given to reading." Jones replies that there is--Darlene is quite fond of Life magazine--and tells him that if he comes back in a few days he can see her perform with her pet. Jones adds that Lana will be away on vacation and that he will make sure to get Ignatius a ringside table. Ignatius assures Jones that he will return to meet Harlett O'Hara. The exchange leaves both men with their spirits lifted. Jones's sabotage plot is finally set, and Ignatius looks forward to meeting the beautiful and brilliant muse from the picture. Ignatius feels certain that Fortuna has finally begun an upward swing. Mr. Levy again calls the Reilly residence, and this time, Ignatius answers the phone himself. Realizing that a phone call from Mr. Levy may spell trouble, Ignatius uses a fake accent and tells his former employer that since being dismissed, Mr. Reilly has been at the state mental hospital at Mandeville. He further informs Mr. Levy that he is free to visit Mr. Reilly there, and he suggests that the man bring him some cookies. CHAPTER 12 The Rally Dressed in his Paradise Vendors pirate costume and with a speech prepared, Ignatius goes to Dorian Greene's "kick-off rally." As he and Dorian walk down the carriageway, they hear a noise that sounds like someone is being sacrificed. Ignatius throws himself into the door to find Timmy, still adorned in a sailor uniform, who has been shackled and chained to the wall. This seems like a bad sign to Ignatius, and he worries that the "enemy" may be among them. After releasing Timmy, Ignatius and Dorian finally enter the party. Ignatius finds the place full not with a politically motivated group of activists ready to fight for world peace, but with wild noise and debauchery. He notes that they are probably "going to have a great deal of trouble capturing the conservative rural redneck Calvinist vote." His spirits are somewhat lifted, though, when Dorian says he wants to introduce him to the ladies' auxilliary, and he commends Dorian for his foresight. These spirits soon come crashing back down, however, when he sees that the "ladies' auxilliary" are really three lesbians sitting in the kitchen (the same three who had assaulted Officer Mancuso earlier in the novel). Betty, Liz, and Frieda are at the kitchen table drinking beer. A disagreement breaks out between the women, and soon chairs are raised and the women seem to be on the verge of a riot. Dorian, however, is able to calm the situation, and the women tell Ignatius to scram from the kitchen, which they have now declared as their "territory." As

they head back to the other room, Dorian explains that he had to invite them, because otherwise they break in anyway and just cause more trouble. Impatient, Ignatius decides to take control of the situation. Having learned nothing from his experience in the Levy Pants factory, Ignatius turns off the music and meets a roar of disapproval. He attempts to address the crowd, but he is met with a verbal barrage of insults--they call him "grotesque" and a "beast." The music is turned back on, and Ignatius is ignored by every person in the room (particularly Dorian). This scene recalls nightmarish memories of high school, where he had blown up his experiment in the chemistry lab, burning off his eyebrows and wetting his pants out of fright. Ignatius had walked around the school soggily for the rest of the day, with all of the other students pretending he did not exist. Now the only people acknowledging him were the three lesbian members of the ladies' auxilliary, who had left their kitchen prison. As the ladies tease Ignatius about his exclusion from the party, Timmy the sailor approaches and asks Ignatius to dance. He flatly refuses, and the girls accuse him of being a "troublemaker." Ignatius is forcibly removed from the party. As he leaves the canary yellow house, a man in a silk suit and homburg hat appears to be watching him from the shadows. Harlett O'Hara Though the rally was a failure, Ignatius decides he will try to salvage the afternoon by heading to the Night of Joy and attempting a meeting with Miss Harlett O'Hara. As he heads toward the bar, the man in the silk suit comes out of the shadows and follows Ignatius on his path. Arriving at the Night of Joy, Jones tells Ignatius that he is just in time and that Harlett O'Hara will be coming on stage in just a few minutes. Ignatius takes a seat beside the stage, and a Latin B-Girl (apparently Darlene's replacement) asks if he wants something to drink. Ignatius orders a Dr. Nut, but when the woman returns, she is holding champagne and demands that Ignatius pay twenty-four dollars. When Ignatius refuses to pay the tab, she begins yelling. Suddenly, Lana Lee comes onstage to introduce the act, and Ignatius notes that the porter had lied to him about Lee being on vacation in California. When Ignatius sees that Harlett O'Hara is none other than Darlene, it is more than he can take, and he exclaims, "Is this cretin Harlett O'Hara!" Darlene's cockatoo, which was focused on Ignatius' hoop earring since it came onto the stage, responds to Ignatius's bellow by flapping its wings, squawking, and flying directly toward his head. Ignatius leaps up as the bird latches onto his earring. As he beats at the bird wildly, the champagne smashes and tables are overturned. Lana and Darlene watch in horror as the show is ruined, while Jones could not be more delighted--he never expected his sabotage to work this well. Ignatius stumbles out the door, past Jones, right into the path of an approaching bus. He faints, and Jones pulls him out of the bus's path at the last second. As Ignatius lies on the ground unconscious, the man in the silk suit emerges and takes control of the situation, telling everyone to back up and give him some air. Looking at the man in the silk suit, Jones recognizes him as someone he has seen wearing a false beard, as well as someone he saw under a blue cap in the police precinct. The man asks Lana if he can use her phone, and sensing that this man is a "safe one" (perhaps a rich doctor or lawyer), she asks him if he wants to have a little "fun"--and shows him her nude picture, where she is sitting on the desk along with the book, globe, and chalk. The man responds that he is undercover Officer Angelo Mancuso, and she is under arrest for possession of pornography. Just then, the three members of the ladies' auxilliary arrive on the scene. CHAPTER 13 The Hospital When Ignatius awakes, he is staring at a white ceiling and realizes that he is in a hospital. His head is bandaged, and his mother is sitting beside his bed. Mrs. Reilly feels humiliated and disgraced and, throwing a newspaper at her son, she reveals the source of her embarrassment. Beneath the headline "Wild Incident on Bourbon Street" are three photographs. The first shows Darlene in her ball gown, holding her cockatoo and

smiling. In the second, Lana Lee covers her face as Officer Mancuso places her into the back of a squad car with the three members of the ladies' auxiliary (his hat rim is bent, and his suit is torn). The center picture displays Jones, grinning at what appears to be a dead cow lying in the street, but what is actually an unconscious Ignatius wearing his white Paradise Vendors smock. The newspaper story reveals that after a bird had attacked a hot dog vendor wearing a costume, Officer Mancuso had arrested Lana for soliciting and for possession of and posing for pornography. Jones had then led Mancuso to the cabinet under the bar, where more pornography was found. Mancuso told reporters that he had been working on the case for quite a while and had already located one of Lana's agents. While arresting Lana, Mancuso had been assaulted by Frieda, Betty, and Liz, all of whom were also taken into police custody. The story concluded that with the note that I. Reilly had been taken to the hospital to be treated for shock. Mrs. Reilly reveals to Ignatius that after he had left for Dorian's rally dressed as a pirate, she had called Santa and asked her to send Patrolman Mancuso to follow him. She was convinced that he was going to meet with communists. She also tells Ignatius that the doctors have said there is nothing wrong with him (they even took X-rays) and that Claude would be coming down to pay the hospital bill so that they can go home. Outraged, Ignatius says he will not leave the hospital until "honest money" buys his freedom. But Ignatius cannnot win this battle, since Mrs. Reilly is full of determination and intense anger. The Paradise Vendors' Reputation Mr. Clyde cannot believe that Reilly would be wearing his outfit while off duty. An ape like Ignatius could demolish the ten years he had spent trying to build up a decent name for his hot dog vending business. Hot dog vendors were already viewed as bums, and he did not need a vendor passing out on the street. Recognizing that there was probably no chance of getting the uniform or pirate costume back from Ignatius, he decides he at least should contact him to tell him not to come back. When he rings the Reilly residence and gets no answer, he assumes that Ignatius's mother must be dead drunk on the floor somewhere. Dr. Talc Dr. Talc has had a terrible week. Somehow, one of Ignatius's threatening letters was disseminated to the student body. Rumors began to spread, and he became the butt of campus jokes. The accusations of "misleading and perverting the young" were badly misinterpreted, and he would have to find a way to explain the charge to the administration. Nor was he thrilled with the reference to his "underdeveloped testicles." Talc concluded that he would just have to find Ignatius Reilly and produce him to the school, live and in the flesh. That way, they would see what a freak he truly is, and they would understand that the note was just a fantasy produced by a sick mind. This plan, however, was turned on its head as soon as Talc took a glance at the morning paper. There he saw the picture of Ignatius, unconscious and in his hot dog vending uniform. He could not understand how Reilly could sink so low. He could imagine Ignatius deliberately bringing his hot dog cart to the school and turning the affair into a circus, with Talc as the clown. Talc would just have to learn to live with the rumors. Mancuso's Big Day Patrolman Mancuso is finally receiving the respect that he has sought for so long. The Sergeant commends him for singlehandedly breaking up the city's most active high school pornography racket, including Lana Lee, who had fooled all of the undercover agents. The Sergeant suggests that this might mean a promotion, which gets Mancuso all choked up.

George's Arrest Seeing the newspaper, George is concerned that his name may be on the list which was found along with the pornography in the cabinet under the bar, so he decides that it might be prudent to stay at home for a while. He hears his mother turn off the vacuum cleaner and answer the doorbell, and then he hears her ask, "The police?" Lana and the Ladies At the prison, Lana Lee has been locked in a cell with Betty, Frieda, and Liz. Lee screams to the guards to get her out. Frieda then asks Lana to show them one of the pictures she has hidden in her bra; Liz and Betty agree, noting that they are getting bored looking at "these frigging walls." The three members of the ladies' auxiliary lunge at Lana. Darlene's Offer Glad to have gotten some publicity, Darlene is nonetheless feeling downtrodden without employment. Looking at the gold hoop earring that her cockatoo brought home, she realizes that Lana had been right all along; "That big crazy man was really the kiss of death." Just then, Darlene gets a phone call from a man noting her great publicity--and saying that he owns a club on Bourbon Street... Vagrancy Jones was successful in his sabotage, but it led to his unemployment and new worries of vagrancy charges. Feeling sorry for himself, Jones also feels guilty that poor Darlene has been left jobless. He realizes that the "fat freak" really is like a nuclear bomb--you drop him on someone as sabotage, and plenty of innocent people get screwed too. At least he recognizes that things could be worse--he could be that "fat mother." Levy Shorts Mr. and Mrs. Levy had traveled in their sports car to Mandeville to pay a visit to Ignatius Reilly in the state mental hospital (and they had even brought a box of Dutch cookies). When they arrived, they learned that they had been fooled by Ignatius, and they received rude treatment. Mrs. Levy took the whole thing very calmly. Mr. Levy realizes that she is now hoping that he will not find the young idealist, and that he loses the libel suit, so that she can again lead the girls against their father and maintain her position of dominance over Mr. Levy. Returning to Levy's Lodge and opening the newspaper, Mr. Levy finds what he thinks is the solution to his legal woes: Ignatius, passed out in the street in front of the Night of Joy, including Ignatius's address. As he goes off to speak with Mr. Reilly, Mrs. Levy asks him to drop her off at Miss Trixie's apartment. She has been worrying about the old woman after hearing from Gonzalez that she had bitten the hand of the new filing clerk. When Mr. Levy arrives at the Reilly residence, Ignatius and his mother have not yet returned from the hospital. While he waits for them, he learns from Miss Annie, the nosy neighbor, that Ignatius had actually been a very good boy as a child. It was only after his pet collie, Rex, passed away, that he started to deteriorate. The Reillys pull up in the Plymouth, and Mr. Levy overhears them arguing about Mrs. Reilly's affair with Claude. Mr. Levy produces the letter to Abelman and asks Ignatius if he is the true author. Ignatius denies any responsibility, but Mrs. Reilly, without even looking at the piece of mail, says "Ignatius done it...Whatever went wrong, Ignatius done it." She asks to see

the letter, and when Ignatius tells Mr. Levy not show it to her, she hits him in the side of her head with her purse. At this point, Mr. Levy starts feeling pity for Ignatius, with the drunk mother running around with some old man and wanting her son out of the way. He speculates that Ignatius's childhood pet was probably the only thing he ever really had in his life. Taking Mr. Levy to his room, Ignatius shows him entries from his "Journal of a Working Boy," in which he had noted his devotion to the firm and had vowed to lead Mr. Levy to once again believe in Levy Pants. Ignatius then lays the blame for the letter on Miss Trixie, claiming that her apathy was truly a faade for her resentment of Levy Pants and its refusal to retire her. Mr. Levy considers the evidence. Gonzalez had told him that Mr. Reilly had always seemed interested in and devoted to the firm, and the journal entries seemed to confirm this. And Miss Trixie had never hidden her hate for Levy Pants. Mr. Levy supposes that she may, in fact, be the true culprit behind the letter. Mr. Levy returns to Miss Trixie's apartment and confronts Miss Trixie, telling her of Mr. Reilly's accusation and asking whether she wrote the letter. When Miss Trixie asks who Mr. Reilly is, Mr. Levy describes him as the big man with the green cap who used to work at Levy Pants. Miss Trixie thinks to herself that they must be referring to her old friend Gloria. Gloria Reilly, she thinks, was always such a good friend to her and would never lie. Plus there were plenty of things that she had probably done and could no longer remember. She replies that, yes, she wrote the letter to Mr. Abelman. Hearing this enrages Mrs. Levy, who cannot believe that after all she has done for Miss Trixie, she would turn around and do something like this. She yells, "You can kiss Levy Pants goodbye...You'll get discarded!" This is music to Miss Trixie's ears; she is finally getting her retirement. Gloria Reilly truly was a good friend to her. The tables have turned, and Mr. Levy finally has leverage over his wife. If Mrs. Levy had not insisted on her "project," Miss Trixie would have been retired long ago and never would have had motivation to write this letter. Threatening to write Susan and Sandra to tell them about their mother's mistake, he instructs Mrs. Levy that she will make arrangements to have a doctor declare Miss Trixie senile and incompetent and to have him explain the motivations for her writing the letter. He then sends her to the store to get Miss Trixie the Easter ham she has been waiting for. Mr. Levy also decides that he is going to take a more active role at Levy Pants. He changes the name to Levy Shorts and plans on producing Bermuda shorts instead of pants from now on. He reasons that they will be less trouble and that they can make more profit on lower expenditures. He also decides to move forward with the Levy Foundation, and for the recipient of its first award, he chooses the young, black man-Jones--pictured in the newspaper with Reilly. In conjunction with the award, he plans on offering Jones a job. Mr. Levy's mind drifts toward the Abelman letter, and then he recalls some things he overheard Ignatius say in the yard. He had referred to "Mongoloid Mancuso" and stated that someone needed to be "lashed." It was Reilly who had written the letter to Ableman after all! Mr. Levy realizes that in his own "kook way," Ignatius had saved himself, Miss Trixie, and Mr. Levy. CHAPTER 14 After the visit by Mr. Levy, Ignatius spends the day locked in his room, repeatedly pleasuring himself with a rubber glove. The newspaper story made Ignatius something of a celebrity, and people he knew (Mrs. Reilly's relatives, neighbors, and people they had not seen in years) were calling all day. Each time the telephone rang, Ignatius worried it would be Mr. Levy calling back. But time and again, he just heard his mother complaining over the receiver how terrible the situation was, and how her name would be ruined. Mrs. Reilly takes the phone as far from Ignatius' room as she can in order to call Santa Battaglia. She tells Santa that she is concerned that Ignatius has gotten himself into

much worse trouble than the picture in the paper. She has finally come to the conclusion that for Ignatius's sake, he needs to be committed at Charity Hospital. Santa is delighted to hear that Mrs. Reilly has finally come to her senses and remarks that they will be sending out wedding invitations within a week. Further, Miss Annie is going to be out of her mind with jealousy when Claude uses his railroad pension to fix up the Reilly residence. Santa says that she will call up Charity and send someone to take Ignatius into custody. In the meantime, she instructs Mrs. Reilly to get out of the house and to come over to her place; she says that she will invite Claude over as well. Before leaving for Santa's, Mrs. Reilly stops in Ignatius's room to say goodbye. She kisses him and tells him she is sorry that it all has to end like this. She promises that she is going to take good care of him. This cryptic goodbye deeply concerns Ignatius, and as his mother leaves the house, his mind races with thoughts of what she could possibly mean. He knows that she has been on the phone whispering, which she only did when speaking to Mrs. Battaglia. Moreover, he remembers that Santa had called for his taking a long vacation in the mental ward. Suddenly it all made sense: if he were committed, he would not be liable for prosecution by either Abelman (for libel) or Levy (for forgery). Determined not to end up at Charity Hospital, Ignatius decides to escape. He desperately searches him room for spare change that he can use for transportation. Just then, he hears three knocks at the door. Looking through the shutters, he is relieved to see Myrna Minkoff. Myrna had decided that Ignatius needed more help than just a letter. She had jumped in her car and driven straight through the night. Now that she has arrived, she is ready for some rest before she gets to work rehabilitating her subject. Ignatius, however, says that they must leave immediately--that he must get away from this house and its terrible associations. He tells Myrna that he has been in a terrible state of depression and that his mother has decided to run off and get married--and now wants him out of the way. Ignatius claims that the attempted arrest, the car accident, and all of the fantasies he related to her in the letters were delusions that emerged when his mother first met that debauched old man. Myrna is delighted to see that her message has finally gotten through to Ignatius and that he is ready to make a change in his life. They scoop up the Big Chief tablets containing Ignatius's thoughts and writings, Ignatius packs a few belongings, and they run out to Myrna's car. Ignatius gets into the back seat (he refuses to sit in "that death trap of a front seat for highway travel") and begins barking orders and complaints at his savior. As they drive away from the Reilly residence, an ambulance passes with "Charity Hospital" written on the side. As they head out toward the highway, Ignatius takes one of Myrna's pigtails in one of his hands and presses it warmly to his wet moustache.

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