LIBRARY

JNIVERSITY

OP

CALWMMA

SANMMO

]

1

^.?3

THE WORKS OF LUCIAN OF SAMOSATA
iComplete with exceptions specified in the preface

TRANSLATED BY
H.

W.

FOWLER
IN

AND

F. G.

FOWLER

FOUR VOLUMES

fewest are privileged to

What work nobler than transplanting foreign thought into the barren domestic soil? except indeed planting thought of your own, which the do.—Sartor Resartus. At each flaw, be this your first thought the author doubtless said
:

something quite

and much more to the point. And then you may hiss me off, if you will.— LuciAN. Nigrinus, g. (LuciAN) The last great roaster of Attic elocjueiice and Attic wit.—
different,

Lord

Macaiiiay.

VOLUMF,

III

OXFORD AT THE CLARENDON PRESS

Oxford Ufiiversity Press, Aineii House, London E.C.4
GLASGOW NEW YORK TORONTO MELBOfRNE WELLINGTON BOMBAY CALCUTTA MADRAS CAPE TOWN

Geoffrey Cimiherlege, Publisher to the University

FIRST PUBLISHED IQOt

REPRINTED I949
PRINTED
IN

GREAT BRITAIN

CONTENTS OF VOL.
Life of

Ill
PAGE

Demonax

i

ArjfictivaKTos iiioi.

A

Portrait-Study
ElKOI/fS.

13

Defence of the 'Portrait-Study'
Yrrep

24

twv
:

fiKovcov.

ToxARis

A Dialogue of Friendship
(piXiti.

36

To^apts, 7

Zeus Cross-examined
Z(vs eXfy^oiievos.

71

Zeus Tragoedus
Zf(!/$-

80

TpnyoidOi.

si

The Cock
Ovfipoi
ij

105
uXeKTpvuiv.
i

I

ICAROMENIPPUS, AN AeRIAL EXPEDITION
YKUpoptVlTTTTOi
rj

l6

V7IfpV((j)fXoS.

The Double Indictment
Aly
KiiT>]y<>iuivfi(v li,
i/

144

i^jtK<iaTi'jpia.

The

Parasite, a

Demonstration that Sponging
on

is

a
167

Profession
ITfpi r,np(i(TiTtiv ijrui
re,\i'/;
i;

jriiiiaaiTtKij.

Anacharsis, a Discussion of Physical Training

.

.

190

iv

Contents
PAGE 212

Of Mourning
Ilfpl TTfvdoVS.

The

Rhetorician's Vade

Mecum

218

'PtJTOpltJV 8t86(TKn'Kos.

The Liar
'ti\o\j/(vdf]i:
ij

230
dntcrrinv.

Dionysus, an Introductory Lecture
TlpoKaXia 6 Ai6vv(Tnt.

252

Heracles, an Introductory Lecture
UpoXuXui
6 'HpfifcX^f.

256

Swans and Amber
n6pi TOV TjXfXrpOV
fj

259
TWV
KVKVOiV.

The

Fly, an Appreciation

261

Mt'tas iyKU)}iiov.

Remarks addressed to an Illiterate Book-Fancier
Ilplis

.

265

TOV anuihfVTnv Ka\

noWa

fiiUKia mvovp-fvov.

Alphabetical Table of Contents

279

LIFE OF

DEMONAX
and
a

It was in the book of Fate that even this age of ours should

not be destitute entirely of noteworthy and memorable men,

but produce

a

body

of extraordinary power,

mind

of sur-

passing wisdom.

My

allusions are to Sostratus the Boeotian,
;

whom
more

the Greeks called, and believed to be, Heracles
particularly to the philosopher

and

Demonax,
I

I

saw and

marvelled at both of them, and with the latter
I

long consorted.
his stature

have written of Sostratus elsewhere \ and described
his open-air life

and enormous strength,
on the
places
grass
ploits that

on Parnassus, sleeping
exterminated, rough

and eating what the mountain afforded, the exhis

bore out

surname

— robbers

made smooth, and deep waters bridged. This time I am to write of Demonax, with two sufficient 2 ends in view first, to keep his memory green among good men,
:

as far as in

me

lies

;

and secondly, to provide the most earnest

of our rising generation,

who

aspire to philosophy, with a con-

temporary pattern, that they may not be forced back upon the
ancients for worthy models, but imitate this best

if I

am

any

judge
3

—of

all

philosophers.

He came
such things

of a

Cyprian family which enjoyed considerable

property and political influence.
as these
;

But

his

views soared above

he claimed nothing

less

than the highest,

and devoted himself to philosophy.
exhortations
Epictetus.
of

This was not due to any
predecessor Demetrius, or
all

Agathobulus,

his

He

di^ indeed enjoy the converse of

these, as
gifts of

well as of Timocrates of Heraclea, that wise
'

man whose

The

life

of Sostratus

is

not extant.

2

Life of

Demon ax
It
a

expression and of understanding were equal.
ever, to the exhortations of

was not, how-

any of

these,

but to

natural impulse

towards the good, an innate yearning for philosophy which
manifested
to
all

itself in childish years,

that he

owed

his superiority

the things that ordinary

men

pursue.

He

took independ-

ence and candour for his guiding principles, lived himself an
upright, wholesome, irreproachable
life,

and exhibited to

all

who saw

or heard

him the model

of his

own

disposition

and

philosophic sincerity.

He

was no half-baked enthusiast either

;

the poets, and
speaker
;

knew most

of

them by heart

;

he had lived with 4 he was a practised

he had a knowledge of philosophic principles not of
;

the superficial skin-deep order
his

he had developed and hardened

body by exercise and

toil,

and, in short, had been at the pains
at every point.

to

make himself every man's equal

He

was

consistent enough,
fice to himself, to

when he found among

that he could no longer suflife,

depart voluntarily from

leaving a great

reputation behind him

the true nobility of Greece.

he

Instead of confining himself to a single philosophic school, 5 laid them all under contribution, without showing clearly
;

which of them he preferred
to Socrates
;

but perhaps he was nearest akin
as

for,

though he had leanings

regards externals
effect or lived
;

and plain
were
just a

living to Diogenes,

he never studied

for the applause
like

and admiration of the multitude
;

his
;

ways

other people's

he mounted no high horse

he was
;

man and

a citizen.

He

indulged in no Socratic irony
;

6

but

his discourse

was

full of

Attic grace
servility

those

who heard

it

went away neither disgusted by
selves

nor repelled by
lifted

ill-

tempered censure, but on the contrary
hopeful

out of them-

by charity, and encouraged to more orderly, contented,
lives.

was never known to shout or be over vehement or angry, 7 even when he had to correct ; he touched offences, but pardoned

He


Life of

Demonax
sick.

3

oflFenders, saying that the doctors'

was the right model, who treat
It
is

sickness

but are not angry with the
err,

human, he

thought, to

but divine (whether in

God

or

man) to put

the error right.

8

A

hfe of this sort left

him without wants

of his

own

;

but he

was always ready to render any proper service to
including reminders to those
nate,
selves

his friends

among them who

passed for fortuso

how

brief

was their tenure of what they
all,

prided themat poverty,

upon.

To

on the other hand, who repined

resented exile, or complained of old age or bad health, he

administered laughing consolation, and bade them not forget

how

soon their troubles would be over, the distinction between

good and bad be obsolete, and long freedom succeed to shortlived distress.

9

He was

fond of playing peace-maker between brothers at

variance, or presiding over the restoration of marital

harmony.

He

could say a word in season, too, before an agitated political

assembly, which would turn the scale in favour of patriotic duty.

Such was the temper that philosophy produced
mild, and cheerful.

in him, kindly,

10

Nothing ever grieved him except the
friend, friendship being the

illness

or death of a

one among blessings that he put
friend, counting

highest
his

;

and indeed he was every man's

among

kindred whatever had

human

shape.

Not

that there were
;

no degrees in the pleasure different people's society gave him
but he avoided none, except those
they could get

who seemed so far astray that no good from him. And every word or act in
'

which these principles took shape might have been dictated by the Graces and Aphrodite for on his lips Persuasion sat,' as
;

the play has
11

it.

Accordingly he was regarded with reverence at Athens, both

by the

collective assembly

and by the

olncials

;

he always con-

tinued to be a person of great consequence in their eyes.

And

s a

4
this

Life of

Demon ax
at first offended

though most of them had been
as

with him,
Socrates.

and hated him

heartily

as

their

ancestors had

Besides his candour

and independence, there had been found
:

Anytuses and Meletuses to repeat the historic charges
never been known
to sacrifice,

he

had

and he made himself singular by

avoiding initiation at Eleusis.

On

this occasion

he showed

his

courage by appearing in

a

garland and

festal attire,

and then
the count

pleading his cause before the people with a dash of unwonted
asperity infused into his ordinary moderate tone.
of never having sacrificed to Athene,
' '

On

Men

of Athens,' he said,
I

there

is

nothing wonderful in

this

;

it

was only that

gave the
sacrifices

Goddess credit
from me.'

for being able to

do very well without

And in the

matter of the Mysteries,
:

his reason for

not

following the usual practice was this

if

the Mysteries turned
it

out to be bad, he would never be able to keep quiet about
the uninitiated, but must dissuade

to
;

them from the ceremony while, if they were good, humanity would tempt him to divulge them. The Athenians, stone in hand already, were at once disarmed, and from that time onwards paid him honour and
respect,
his case

which ultimately
ready garlanded
^

rose to reverence.
* :

Yet he had opened
of Athens,

with a bitter enough reproof
;

Men

you
your

see

me

proceed to

sacrifice

me, then

;

former offering
I

was deficient in

this formality.'

will

now

give

some specimens

of his pointed

and witty 12

sayings,
latter

which may begin with

his answers to Favorinus.
his lectures,

The

had heard that he made fun of

and in par-

ticular of the sentimental verses

with which they were garnished,

and which Demonax thought contemptible, womanish, and quite
unsuited to philosophy.

So he came and asked him

'
:

Who,
*

pray, are you, that you should pour scorn

upon me
infant,'

.?

'

I

the possessor of
sophist

a critical pair of ears,'
'

was the answer.

am The

had not had enough
'
i.

;

Tou

are

no

he went on,

e.,

jocidtes.

Life of
'

Demonax
;

f

but

a philosopher,
?
'
'

it

seems

may one

ask

what marks the

transformation
13

The marks

of manhood,' said

Demonax.
you
I

Another time the same person came up and asked him what
school of philosophy he belonged to.
a philosopher?' a
*

Who
he

told

was

was

all

he

said.

But

as

left

him, he had

good laugh to himself, which Favorinus observing, demanded
at
' ;

what he was laughing

I

was only amused by your taking
he wears
a beard,

a

man
none
14

for a philosopher because
yourself.'

when you have
as

When

Sidonius,

who had

a great

reputation at Athens
all
'

a teacher,

was boasting that he was conversant with

the

philosophic systems
Aristotle
call,

— but

I

had better quote

his

words.

Let

and
;

I

follow to the
I

Lyceum
silence.'

;

Plato,

and

I

hurry
;

to the

Academy
I

Zeno, and

make my home

in the

Porch

Pythagoras, and

keep the rule of
'
:

Then rose Demonax
calls.'

from among the audience
15

Sidonius, Pythagoras
called

A

pretty girlish young

man

Python, son of some

Macedonian grandee, once by way
riddling question and invited
'

of quizzing

him asked

a
it.

him

to

show
'

his

acumen over
is,

I

only see one thing, dear child,' he

said,

and that

that you

are a fair logician.'

The

other lost his temper at this equi' :

voque, and threatened him
a

You
a

shall see in a
'

minute what

man

can do.'

*

Oh, you keep

man, do you?

was Demonax's

smiling retort.

16

He

once, for daring to laugh at an athlete

self in

gay clothes because he had

who displayed himwon an Olympic victory,
they had themselves been
Proconsul
!

received a blow on the head with a stone, which drew blood.

The

bystanders were

all as

angry

as if

the victims, and set up a shout consul
'
!

'

The

the ProI

'

Thank you, gentlemen,'
a little gold

said

Demonax,' but

should

prefer the doctor.' 17

He

once picked up

charm

in the road as he walked,

and posted

a notice in the market-place stating that the loser

1

6

Life of
if

Demonax
he would
call

could recover his property,

upon Demonax

and give particulars of the weight, material, and workmanship,

A

handsome young
*

exquisite came, professing to have lost
it

it.

The

philosopher soon saw that

was

a

got-up story
if

'

;

Ah,

my

boy,' he said,

you

will

do very

well,

you

lose

your other

charms

as little as

you have

lost this one.'

A Roman
sir,'

senator at Athens once presented his son,

who had

i8

great beauty of a soft

womanish

type,

'

My

son salutes you,
'

he

said.

To which Demonax
and extremely

answered,
like his

A

pretty lad,

worthy of

his father,

mother.'

A
but

cynic

who emphasized

his principles
his

by wearing

a bear's 19

skin he insisted
as

on addressing not by

name

of Honoratus,

Bruin.
for a definition of Happiness,
'

Asked

he said that only the free 20
'

was happy.
free men.'
fears.'


'

Well,' said the questioner,

there

is

no

lack of

I

count no

man

free
;

who

is

subject to hopes and

'

You

ask impossibilities
'

of these

two we are

all

very

much
said

the

slaves.'
'

Once

grasp the nature of
will find

human

affairs,'

Demonax,

and you

that they justify neither

hope nor
end.'

fear, since

both pain and pleasure are to have an

Peregrine Proteus was shocked at his taking things so lightly,

and treating mankind
teeth,

as a subject for

humour

' :

You have no

2

Demonax.'

*

And

you. Peregrine, have no bowels.'
;

A

physical philosopher was discoursing about the antipodes

22

Demonax

took his hand, and led
his

him
*

to a well, in which he

showed him

own

reflection

:

Do

you want us to believe

that the antipodes are like that

'

?

A man
body.
'

once boasted that he was a wizard, and possessed of 23

mighty charms whereby he could get what he chose out of anyWill
it

surprise
;

you to learn that
'

I

am

a fellow-crafts-

man
you

? '

asked

Demonax

pray come with

me

to the baker's, and

shall see a single

charm, just one wave of

my

magic wand.

Life of
good

Demonax
as

7
Current coin,

induce him to bestow several loaves upon me.'
he meant, 24
is

as

a

magician

most.
of Pollux,

The

great Herodes,

mourning the untimely death

used to have the carriage and horses got ready, and the place
laid at table, as

though the dead were going to drive and

eat.

To him came Demonax,
from Pollux.
was humouring
his

saying that he brought a message

Herodes, delighted with the idea that

Demonax
it

whim

like
'

other people, asked what

was

that Pollux required of him.

He

cannot think

why you

are so

long coming to him.'
25

When

another person kept himself shut up in the dark, mourn-

ing his son,

Demonax
up the

represented himself to

him

as a

magician

:

he would

call

son's ghost, the only condition being that

he should be given the names of three people

who had
'

never

had to mourn.

The

father

hum'd and
till

ha'd, unable, doubtless,

to produce any such person,

Demonax

broke in

:

And

have

you, then, a monopoly of the unendurable,

when you cannot
'

name
26

a

man who

has not

some

grief to

endure

?

He often ridiculed
words
purism
he
is

the people

who

use obsolete and

uncommon
Attic
sir,'

in their lectures. in
*

One

of these

produced
'

a bit of

answer to some question he had put.

My

dear

said,

the date of

my

question

is

to-day

;

that of your answer

temp. Bell. Troj.'

27
to
'

A friend

asking

him

to

come
'

to the temple of Asclepius, there

make prayer

for his son,

Poor deaf Asclepius!' he exclaimed;
'

can he not hear at

this distance

?

28

He
game

once saw two philosophers engaged in
of cross questions
'

a very
'

unedifying

and crooked answers.

Gentlemen,'

said he,

here

is

one

man

milking a billy-goat, and another

catching the proceeds in a

sieve.'

29

When
and only
lie

Agathocles the Peripatetic vaunted himself
dialectician,

as

the

first

he asked him
if

how he

could be the

first, if

was the only, or the only,

he was the

first.

;

1

b

Life of

Dcmonax
his

The

consular

Cethegus, on

way

to

serve
things.
a

under

his 30

father in Asia, said and did

describing

him

as

a

great

many foolish Not even ass,
'

A

friend
said

great

ass,'

Demonax.

When
the

ApoUonius was appointed professor of philosophy

in 3

Imperial household,
a

Demonax

witnessed his
*

departure,
is

attended by

great
all his

number

of his pupils.

Why, here
*

ApoUonius with
he

Argonauts,' he cried.

Asked whether he held the soul to be immortal,
yes,'

Dear me, 32

said

'

;

everything

is.'

He

about our having more than one soul
possibly

remarked \ propos of Herodes that Plato was quite right 33 the same soul could not
;

compose those splendid declamations, and have places
and Pollux
after their death.

laid for Regilla

once bold enough to ask the assembled people, when 34 he heard the sacred proclamation, why they excluded barbarians

He was

from the Mysteries, seeing that Eumolpus, the founder of them,
was
a

barbarian from Thrace.

When
how
for fishes.

he once had

a

winter voyage to make, a friend asked 35

he liked the thought of being capsized and becoming food
'

I

should be very unreasonable to mind giving them

how many they have given me.' who had given a very poor declamation he 36 Why, I am always pracrecommended constant practice.
a meal, considering

To

a rhetorician

'

tising to myself,'

says the

man.

'

Ah, that accounts

for

it

you
'

are

accustomed to such
a soothsayer

a foolish audience.'

Observing
I

one day

officiating for pay,
If it is

he said

:

37

cannot see

how you can
if

ask pay.

because you can

change the course of Fate, you cannot possibly put the figure
high enough
you, what
is
:

everything

is

settled

by Heaven, and not by
'

the good of your soothsaying

?

A
skill

hale old

Roman

once gave him

a little

exhibition of his 3^
'

in fence, taking a clothes-peg for his mark.

What do

Life of
you think
long
as

Demon ax
?
'

9
'

of

my
a

play,

Demonax

he

said.

Excellent, so

wooden man to play with.' Even for questions meant to be insoluble he generally had 39 Some one tried to make a fool a shrewd answer at command. of him by asking. If I burn a hundred pounds of wood, how Weigh the ashes the many pounds of smoke shall I get ?
you have
'

;

difference

is

all

smoke.'

40

One

Polybius, an uneducated

defective,

once informed him that he had received

man whose grammar was very Roman
'

citizenship

from the Emperor.
?
'

Why

did he not make you a

Greek instead
41

asked

Demonax.

Seeing a decorated person very proud of his broad stripe, he

whispered in
to the cloth,

his ear,
'

while he took hold of and drew attention

This

attire did

not make

its

original wearer any-

thing but a sheep.'

42

Once
he,
'

at the bath the water

was at boiling point, and some
'

one called him a coward
is

for hesitating to get in.

What,' said

my

country expecting
asked

me

to do

my

duty

'

?

43
*

Some one
Wait
a bit,

him what he took the next world
will

to be like.

and

I

send you the information.'

44

A

minor poet

called

Admetus

told

clause in his will for the inscribing

on

his

him he had inserted a tomb of a monostich,

which

I

will give

:

Admetus' husk earth
*

holds,

and Heaven himself.
'
!

What
The

a beautiful epitaph,
is

Admetus
'
!

said

Demonax,

'

and

what
45

a pity it

not up yet

shrunk shanks of old age are

a

commonplace
'

;

but when

his reached this state,

some one asked him what was the matter

with them.

'

Ah,' he said with a smile,

Charon has beer

having a bite at them.'

46

He interrupted a Spartan who was scourging his servant with, 'Why confer on your slave the privilege of Spartans^ like yourself
.?

*

See Sparlans in Notes.

lo He

Life of
observed to one Danae,
'

Demonax
who was
bringing a suit against 47
all

her brother,

Have the law

of

him by

means

;

it

was another

Danae whose

father was called the Lawless ^'

He waged

constant warfare against

all

whose philosophy was 48
a cynic,

not practical, but for show.

So when he saw

with

threadbare cloak and wallet, but a braying-pestle instead of
a staff,

proclaiming himself loudly
'
:

as a

follower of Antisthenes,
lies
;

Crates, and Diogenes, he said

Tell us no

your master

is

the professor of braying.'

Noticing

how

foul play was

growing among the

athletes,

49

who

often supplemented the resources of boxing and wrestling
it

with their teeth, he said
partisans

was no wonder that the champions'
as lions.

had taken to describing them
sting in

There was both wit and
consul.

what he

said to the pro- ^o
all

The
and

latter

was one of the people who take

the hair
a block

off their bodies

with pitch-plaster.

A

cynic

mounted

of stone

cast this practice in his teeth, suggesting that it

was

for

immoral purposes.

The

proconsul in a rage had the

man

pulled down, and was on the point of condemning

him

to

be beaten or banished, when Demonax,

who was
'

present,

pleaded for him on the ground that he was only exercising the
traditional cynic licence.
'

Well,' said the proconsul,
;

I

pardon

him

this

time at your request
?
'
'

but

if

he offends again, what

shall I

do to him

Have him

depilated,' said

Demonax.

Another person, entrusted by the Emperor with the com- 51 mand of legions and the charge of a great province, asked him

what was the way
little,

to govern well.

'

Keep your temper,
you suppose,' he

say

and hear much.'
'

Asked whether he ate honey-cakes,
'

Do
'

said,

^2

that bees only

make honey
a

for fools
a statue

?

Noticing near the Poecile

minus
a

a

hand, he said

it

53

had taken Athens

long time to get up
*

bronze to Cynaegirus.

Si:e

Danae

in

Notes.

1

Life of Demo7iax
54
Alluding to tKe lame Cyprian Rufinus,

1

and spent much time
tion,'

in the

Lyceum

walks,

who was a Peripatetic What presump'

he exclaimed,
'
!

'

for a cripple to call himself a

Walking

Philosopher
55

Epictetus once urged him, with a touch of reproof, to take
a wife

and

raise

a

family

— for
'

it

beseemed

a

philosopher to

leave

some one to represent him

after the flesh.
;

But he
give

re-

ceived the

home

thrust

:

Very

well, Epictetus

me one

of your daughters.'

56

His remark to Herminus the Aristotelian
recording.
Pie

is

equally worth
vile

was aware that

this

man's character was

and

his

misdeeds innumerable, and yet his mouth was always

full of Aristotle

and
'

his ten

predicaments.
is

'

Certainly, Her-

minus,' he said,

no predicament

too bad for you.'

57

When
said
' :

the Athenians were thinking, in their rivalry with

Corinth, of starting gladiatorial shows, he came forward and

Men

of Athens, before

you pass

this

motion, do not

forget to destroy the altar of Pity.'

58
a

On

the occasion of his visiting Olympia, the Eleans voted

bronze statue to him.

But he remonstrated

'

:

It will

imply
statue

a reproach to

your ancestors,

men

of Elis,

who

set

up no

to Socrates or Diogenes.'

59

I

once heard him observe to

a learned

lawyer that laws were

not of
the

much

use,

whether meant

for the

good or

for the

bad

;

first

do not need them, and upon the second they have no
line of

effect.

60

There was one

Homer

always on his tongue
all

:

Idle or busy, death takes

alike.

61

Pie

had

a

good word

for Thersites, as a cynic

and

a leveller.

62

Asked which of the philosophers was most
said
'
:

to his taste,
I

he

I

admire them
I love.'

all

;

Socrates I revere, Diogenes

admire,

Aristippus

12 He

Life of

Demonax
from
disease

lived to nearly a hundred, free

and pain, 63
his friends,

burdening no man, asking no man's favour, serving

and having no enemies.
so in love with

place
his

Not Athens only, but all Greece wras him that as he passed the great would give him and there would be a general hush. Towards the end of
life

long

he would go uninvited into the
his

first

house that

offered,

and there get

dinner and his bed, the household

regarding it as the visit of some heavenly being which brought them a blessing. When they saw him go by, the baker-wives would contend for the honour of supplying him, and a happy woman was the actual donor. Children too used to call him father, and bring him offerings of fruit. Party spirit was once running high at Athens he came into 64
;

the assembly, and his mere appearance was enough to
storm.

still

the

When

he saw that they were ashamed, he departed

again without having uttered a word.

When

he found that he was no longer able to take care of 65

himself, he repeated to his friends the tag with
close the festival
:

which the heralds

The games are done, The crowns all won

;

No more

delay,

But haste away.
and from that moment abstaining from food,
fully as
left life as

cheer-

he had lived

it.

When
'

the end was near, he was asked his wishes about burial. 66
;

Oh, do not trouble scent will summon my undertakers.' Well, but it would be indecent for the body of so great a man Oh, no harm in making oneself useful to feed birds and dogs.
'

in death to anything that lives.'

funeral,

However, the Athenians gave him a magnificent public long lamented him, worshipped and garknded the

d"]

stone seat on which he had been wont to rest

when

tired,

account-


Life of

Demonax
him who had
sat

13
upon
it.

ing the mere stone sanctified by

No

one would miss the funeral ceremony,
philosophers.
I

least of all

any of the

It

was these

who

bore him to the grave.
the material available
of this great
;

have made but
it

a small selection of

but

may

serve to give readers

some idea

man's

character.

H.

A PORTRAIT-STUDY
Lycinus.
Polystratus

Ly. Polystratus, I know now what men must have felt like when they saw the Gorgon's head. I have just experienced the same sensation, at the sight of a most lovely woman. A
little

more, and
;

I

should have realized the legend, by being

turned to stone
Poly.

I

am benumbed with
of the

admiration.

Wonderful indeed must have been the beauty, and

terrible the

power

impression on Lycinus.

Tell
?

woman who could produce such an me of this petrifying Medusa.
I

Who

is

she,

and whence

would
?

see her myself.

You
?

will

not grudge

me
I

that privilege

Your

jealousy will not take

alarm at the prospect of a
Ly. Well,

rival petrifaction at
:

your side

give you fair warning

one distant glimpse of her, any statue.
is

and you

are speechless, motionless as
:

Nay, that
till

is

a light affliction

the mortal

wound

not dealt
?

her glance
will lead

has fallen on you.

What

can save you then

She

you
steel.

in chains,

hither and thither, as the

magnet draws the

2

Poly. Enough You would make And now tell me who she is. Ly. You think I am exaggerating
!

her more than human.

:

I fear

you

will

have but
is

a

poor opinion of

my

eloquence

when you
is,

see her as she
:

so far above

my

praise.

W ho she

I

cannot say

but to judge


14
of eunuchs
Poly.

A
And you
;

Port rait- Stn dy

from the splendour of her surroundings, her retinue, her host
and maids, she must be of no ordinary rank.
never even asked her

name
;

?

Ly.
I
'

Why no

but she

is

from Ionia

because, as she passed,
his
!

heard one of the bystanders speak aside to
See,'

neighbour

:

he exclaimed,
if

'

what Smyrna can produce
cities

And what

wonder,

the fairest of Ionian
? '

has given birth to the

fairest of

women

I

thought he must come from Smyrna
of her.

himself, he was so

proud

Poly.

There you acted your stony part

to perfection.

As you

3

could neither follow her, nor make inquiries of the Smyrnaean,
it

only remains for you to describe her

as

best

you can, on the

chance of
Ly.

my

recognizing her.
It
is

words

—certainly
;

You know not what you ask. not of my words

not in the power of

— to

portray such wondrous

beauty

scarcely could an Apelles, a Zeuxis, a Parrhasius,

a Phidias or an

Alcamenes, do justice to
will

it

;

as for

my

flimsy

workmanship,

it

but insult the

original.
like
?

Poly. Well, never

mind
?

;

what was she

There can be

no harm

in trying

your hand.

What
is

if

the portrait be some-

what out
Ly.
I

of drawing

— the
I

critic

your good friend.
will
:

think

my

best

way out

of

it

be to
let

call in

the aid of

some

of the old masters

have named

them

fashion the

likeness for

me.

Poly. Well, but

will they

come

.''

They have been dead

so

long.

Ly. That
ing

is

easily

managed

:

but you must not mind answer-

me

a

few questions.

Poly.

Ly.

You have but to ask. Were you ever at Cnidus
I

?

4
course
!

Poly.

was.
?

Ly.

Poly.

Then you have seen the Aphrodite, of That masterpiece of Praxiteles's art

I

have.

A
Ly.
fell in

Portrait-Study
tell

i

f

And

heard the story they

there,

— of the

man who
is

love with the statue, and contrived to get shut into the
as a statue

temple alone, and there enjoyed such favours
to bestow.

able

— But that
also

is

neither here nor there.

—You have seen —

the Cnidian Aphrodite,

anyhow

you have
Poly.

seen our

now I want to know whether own Afhrcdite of the Gardens, the
;

Alcamenes.
I

must be

a dullard of dullards, if that

most exquisite

of Alcamenes's works had escaped

my

notice.

Ly.

I

forbear to ask whether in the course of your

many

visits to

the Acropolis you ever observed the Sosandra of Cala-

mis \
Poly. Frequently.

Ly. That
just
like

is

really

enough

for

my

purpose.
to

But

I

should

to

know what you

consider

be Phidias's best

work.
Poly.

the

artist's

Can you ask ? The Lemnian Athene, which own signature oh, and of course the Amazon
;

bears
lean-

ing on her spear.
5

Ly.

I

approve your judgement.
:

We

shall

have no need of
its

other

artists

I

am now
are

to cull from each of these
all

own

peculiar beauty, and
Poly.

combine

in a single portrait.
?

And how
is

you going to do that
All

Ly. It

quite simple.

we have

to
it

do

is

to

hand over
to unite

our several types to Reason, whose care

must be

them

in the

most harmonious
be sure
is

fashion, with

due regard to the

consistency, as to the variety, of the result.
Poly.

To

;

let

Reason take her materials and begin.
wiih one of Aphrodite by the same
{_'

'

This statue

usually identified
in

sculptor,

mentioned
:

Pausanias.
('

Soteira

saviour')
is

is

known

as an epithet

of Aphrodite

but Sosandra

man-saving

')

explained as a nickii.ime of the
donor,

p.irticular statue, in I'iayful allusion to Callias, the

who was

apparently

indebted to Aphrodite for his success with a certain Eipinice.

i6
What
put
all

A
will she

'Portrait-Study
it,

make

of

I

wonder
work

?

Will she contrive to
?

these different types together without their clashing
;

Ly. Well, look
cedure.

she

is

at

already.

Observe her pro- 6

She begins with our Cnidian importation, from which
;

she takes only the head

with the

rest she

is

not concerned,

as

the statue

is

nude.

The

hair, the forehead, the exquisite eye-

brows, she will keep as Praxiteles has rendered

them

;

the eyes,

too, those soft, yet bright-glancing eyes, she leaves unaltered.

But the cheeks and the front
'Garden' Goddess; and
the
so

of the face are taken

from the
the

are the lines of the hands,
fingers.

shapely wrists, the delicately-tapering

Phidias

and

Lemnian Athene
artist

will give the outline of the face,

and the
;

well-proportioned nose, and lend

new

softness to the cheeks
lips,

and the same

may

shape her neck and closed

to re-

semble those of his Amazon.
dra's

Calamis adorns her with Sosan;

modesty, Sosandra's grave half-smile
is

the decent seemly

dress

Sosandra's too, save that the head must not be veiled.
stature, let
it

For her

be that of Cnidian Aphrodite

;

once more
?

we have

recourse to Praxiteles.
.''

—What think you, Polystratus
it is

Is it a lovely portrait

Poly. Assuredly

it

will be,

when

perfected.

At

present,

7

my

paragon of sculptors, one element of loveliness has escaped

your comprehensive grasp.
Ly.

What

is

that

?

Poly.

A

most important one.

You

will agree

with

me
?

that
that

colour and tone have a good deal to do with beauty
black should be black, white be white, and red play
its

blushing
all

part
still

?

It looks to

me

as if

the most important thing of

were

lacking.

Ly. Well,

how

shall

haps, selecting those

we manage ? Call who were noted for
?

in the painters, per-

their

skill

in mixing

and laying on

their colours

Be

it

so

:

we

will

have Poly;

gnotus, Euphranor of course, Apelles and Action

they can

7

;

A
hair like his Hera's
;

V or trait-Study
Euphranor
shall

1

divide the work between them.

colour the

Polygnotus the comely brow and faintly

blushing cheek, after his Cassandra in the Assembly-room at

Delphi.

Polygnotus

shall also paint

her robe,
it

of the finest

texture, part duly gathered in, but most of

floating in the

breeze.

For the

flesh-tints,

which must be neither too pale
shall

nor too high-coloured, ApeUes
8

copy

his

own

Cam-paspe.

And

lastly.
:

Action

shall give

her Roxana's

lips.

Nay, we can

do better
like

have we not Homer, best of painters, though a
?

Euphranor and an ApeUes be present
with

Let him colour
'

all

the limbs of Menelaus, which he says were
red.'

ivory tinged

He

too shall paint her calm

'

ox-eyes,'
'

and the
'

Theban poet

shall help

him

to give

them

their

violet

hue.

Homer

shall

add her

smile, her white arms, her rosy finger-tips,

and so complete the resemblance to golden Aphrodite, to 9 he has compared
Brises'

whom
So
far

daughter with

far less reason.
:

we may

trust our sculptors

and painters and poets

but for her

crowning glory, for the grace
Loves that encircle her
Poly. This was

— nay,

the choir of Graces and
?

—who

shall

portray them

no earthly

vision,

Lycinus

;

surely she
?

must

have dropped from the clouds.

—And what was she doing
;

Ly. In her hands was an open scroll

half read (so

I

sur-

mised) and half to be read.

As she passed, she was making
;

some remark
catch.

to

one of her company
!

what

it

was

I I

did not

But when she smiled, ah
Imagine

then, Polystratus,

beheld
shall

teeth whose whiteness, whose unbroken regularity,
describe
a size
;

who

?

a lovely necklace of

gleaming

pearls, all of

and imagine those dazzling rows
I

In that glimpse,
ivory.'

realized

set off by ruby lips. what Homer meant by his carven
'

Other women's teeth
:

differ in size

;

or they project
;

or there are gaps

here,

all

was equality and evenness
line.

pearl
sight.

joined to pearl in unbroken
of beauty

Oh,

'twas a

wondrous

more than human.

8
1

A
Poly.

V or trait-Study
as

Stay.

I

know now whom you mean,

well from your lO

description as from her nationality.

You

said that there

were

eunuchs in her train
Ly. Yes
Poly.
;

?

and and
her

soldiers too.
is

My

simple friend, the lady you have been describing
possesses the affections of an

a celebrity,

Emperor.

Ly.

And
as

name

?

Poly.

Adds one more

to the

list

of her charms

;

for it

is

the

same

that of Abradatas's wife ^

enthusiastic account of that beautiful

You know Xenophon's and virtuous woman ?
she stood before

you have read
Ly. Yes
;

it

a

dozen times.
I

and every time

read

it, it is as if

me.

I

almost hear her uttering the words the historian has put

into her mouth, and see her arming her husband and sending

him

forth to battle.

Poly.

Ah,

my

dear Lycinus, this lady has passed you but II
;

once, like a lightning flash
all

and your
strike
;

praises, I perceive, are

for those external

charms that

the eye.

You

are yet

a stranger to

her nobility of soul

you know not that higher,
I

more
her,

god-like beauty.

/

am

her fellow-countryman,

know

and have conversed with her many times.

You
to

are aware

that gentleness, humanity, magnanimity, modesty, culture, are
things that
I

prize
as

more than beauty
absurd
as

— and rightly
is

;

do other-

wise would be

to value raiment above the body.

Where

physical perfection goes hand-in-hand with spiritual ex-

cellence, there alone (as I maintain)

true beauty.

I

could

show you many
by what
is

a
;

within

woman whose outward loveliness is marred who has but to open her lips, and beauty
Such women are
stately,

stands confessed a faded, withered thing, the mean, unlovely

handmaid
like

of that odious mistress, her soul.
:

Egyptian temples

the shrine

is

fair

and

wrought
:

of costly marble, decked out with gilding and painting
^

but

See Panthea

iu

Notes.

A
seek the
a cat.

Portrait-Study

19

God
is

within, and you find an ape
is

— an
I

ibis


!

a

goat

Of how many women
not enough
:

the same thing true

Beauty

unadorned

and her true adornments are not
have mentioned,
that waits

purple and jewels, but those others that

modesty, courtesy, humanity, virtue and
virtue.

all

on

12

Ly.

Why

then, Polystratus, you shall give
of your

me

story for story,
:

good measure, shaken together, out

abundance

paint

me

the portrait of her soul, that

I

may be no more

her half-

admirer.
Poly. This will be no light task,

my

friend.

It

is

one thing

to

commend what
what
is

all

the world can see, and quite another to
I

reveal

hidden.

too shall

want help with

my

portrait.

Nor

will sculptors
;

and painters

suffice

me

:

I

must have philo-

sophers

it is

by their canons that I must adjust the proportions of

the figure,
13

if I

am

to attain to the perfection of ancient models.

To
said,

begin then.

Of her

clear, liquid voice

Homer might have

with

far

more truth than

of aged Nestor's, that
lips distilled.

honey from those

The
as

pitch, exquisitely soft, as far
treble,
is

removed from masculine

bass

from ultra-feminine

that of a boy before his voice
it

breaks; sweet, seductive, suavely penetrating;
still

ceases,

and

vibrating

murmurs

play,

echo-like,

about the

listener's
his

cars,

and Persuasion
!

leaves her

honeyed track upon

mind.

But oh

the joy, to hear her sing, and sing to the lyre's accom-

paniment.

Let swans and halcyons and
no music
'

cicalas
self,

then be mute.
*

There

is

like

hers

;

Philomela's

full-throated

14 songstress

though she

be,

is all

unskilled beside her.
spell

Methinks
things to

Orpheus and Amphion, whose
in silence to that voice. .should

drew even

lifeless

hear them, would have dropped their lyres and stood listening

What should Thracian Orpheus, what Amphion, whose days upon Cithaeron were divided
c 2

;

20

A

Portrait-SUidy

betwixt his lyre and his herd,

—what should they know of true
sing,

concord, of accurate rhythm, of accentuation and time, of the

harmonious adaptation of lyre and voice, of easy and graceful
execution
?

Yes

;

once hear her

Lycinus, and you will

know something

of Sirens as well as of
;

Gorgons

:

you have
it
is

experienced petrifaction

you

will

next learn what

to

stand entranced, forgetting country and kindred.

Wax

will

not
is

avail

you

:

her song will penetrate through

all

;

for therein

every grace that Terpsichore, Melpomene, Calliope herself,

could inspire.

In

a

word, imagine that you hear such notes
lips,

as

should issue from those

those teeth that you have seen.

Her
is

perfect intonation, her pure Ionic accent, her ready Attic 15
;

eloquence, need not surprise you

these are her birthright

;

for

not Smyrna Athens' daughter

?

And what more
it

natural than
?

that she should love poetry, and make

her chief study
first

Homer
of
its

is

her fellow citizen.

—There you have my
For
I

portrait
far short

the portrait of a sweet-voiced songstress, though
original.

it fall

And now
many,
as

for others.

do not propose to
:

make one

of

you

did.

I

aim higher

the complex
artful

picture of so

many

beauties

wrought into one, however
:

be

the composition, cannot escape inconsistency
separate virtue of her soul shall
sit

with me, each

for its
!

own

portrait.
is

Ly.

What

a

banquet awaits
it

me

Here, assuredly,

good

measure.

Mete

out

;

I

ask for

nothing better.

Poly. I proceed then to the delineation of Culture, the con- 16
fessed

mistress
:

of
I

all

mental excellences, particularly of
in all their

all

acquired ones
fold variety
;

must render her features
shall

mani-

not even here
I

my

portraiture be inferior to

your own.
can give.

paint her, then, with every grace that Helicon
of the

Each
it

Muses has but her

single accomplish-

ment, be

tragedy or history or

hymn

:

all

these Culture shall
of Apollo.

have, and with
poet's

them the

gifts of

Hermes and

The

graceful

numbers, the orator's persuasive power, the

A
adornments
;

Tortrait-^Uidy
all

21
these shall be her

historian's learning, the sage's counsel,

the colours shall be imperisihable, and laid on with
It
is

no niggardly brush.
to any classical
afford
I

not

my

fault, if I
:

am

unable to point

model

for the portrait

the records of antiquity

no precedent

for a culture so highly developed.

—May

hang

this beside the
!

other

?

I

think

it is a
is

passable likeness.

Ly. Passable

My dear Polystratus, it
have to depict

sublime ; exquisitely

finished in every line.

17

Poly.

Next
lady

I

Wisdom
Ionia.

;

and here
;

I shall

have

occasion for
like

many

models, most of them ancient

one comes,
shall

the

herself,

from

The

artists

be

Aeschines and Socrates his master, most
for their heart

realistic of painters,

was in their work.

We

could choose no better

wisdom than Milesian Aspasia, the admired of the her political knowledge and insight, admirable Olympian
model
of
'

'

'

;

her shrewdness and penetration, shall

all

be transferred to our
however,
is

canvas in their perfect measure.

Aspasia,

only

preserved to us in miniature
a colossus.

:

our proportions

must be

tl.ose of

Ly. Explain.
Poly.

The
is

portraits will be alike, but not

on the same and there

scale.

There

a difference

between the

little

republic of ancient
;

Athens, and the

Roman Empire

of to-day

will be

the same difference in scale (however close the resemblance in
other respects) between our huge canvas and that miniature.
18

A second
shall

and

a third
;

model may be found
nay,

in

Theano, and
too.

in the

poetess of Lesbos

we may add Diotima
as

Theano
;

give

grandeur to the picture,
be represented
for

Sappho elegance

and

Diotima
as

shall

well by her

wisdom and

sagacity,

by the qualities
is

which Socrates commended
it

her.

The

portrait

complete.

Let

be hung.
Proceed.

19

Ly. 'Tis a fine piece of work.
*

See Ftriclea in Notes.


22
Poly. Courtesy,

A
She
shall

'Portrait-Study
:

benevolence

that

is

now my
of

subject.

I

have to show forth her gentle disposition, her graciousness to
suppliants.

appear in

the likeness
of Arete

Theano

Antenor's Theano this

time

,

and her daughter
of another kind, 20

Nausicaa, and of every other
herself

who

in her high station has borne

with constancy.
in

Next comes constancy
its

—constancy
*

love
'

;

original,

the daughter of Icarius,
;

than justice to

Homer draws her am I doing more And there is another our lady's ? namesake, Abradatas's wife of her we have already spoken. Ly. Once more, noble work, Polystratus. And now your
constant
'

and

wise,' as

his

Penelope

:

;

task
its

must be drawing to

a close

:

here

is

a

whole soul depicted

;

every virtue praised.
Poly.

Not

yet

:

the highest praise remains.

Born to magni- 21
;

ficence, she clothes

not herself in the pride of wealth
tale,

listens

not to Fortune's flattering

human
from

;

but walks upon the

who tells her she common ground,
all

is

more than
removed
is

far

all

thought of arrogance and ostentation.
;

Every man

her equal her
is
;

her greeting, her smile are for
is

and how acceptable

the kindness of a
!

who approach superior, when it
the power

free

from every touch of condescension

When

of the great turns not to insolence but to beneficence,

we

feel

that Fortune has bestowed her gifts aright.
has no place.

Here alone Envy
his
like

For how should one man grudge another
sees

prosperity

when he
is

him using

it

with moderation, not,

the Homeric Ate, an oppressor of the weak, trampling on men's
necks
their
?

It

otherwise with those meaner souls

—victims
raised

of

own

ignoble vanity

,

who, when Fortune has

them

suddenly bevond their hopes into her winged

aerial car,

know

no

rest,

can never look behind them, but must ever press up-

wards.

To

such the end soon comes
feathers, they fall

:

Icarus-like,

with melted

wax and moulting
a derision to

headlong into the billows,

mankind.

The

Daedaluses use their waxen wings

J
with

'Portrait-Study
are

23
husband
their

moderation

:

they

but

men

;

they

strength accordingly, and are content to

fly a little

higher than
j

the waves,

so little that the sun never finds
is

them dry

and

that prudence

their salvation.
lady's highest praise.

Therein
all

lies this

She has her reward

:

22

men pray that her wings may may increase upon her. Ly. And may the prayer be
blessing
a soul
:

never droop, and that blessings

granted

!

She deserves every
like

she

is

not outwardly
fair,

fair alone,

Helen, but has
It
is

within more

more
a

lovely than her body.
of our benevolent

a

fitting

crown to the happiness
in his

and gracious
;

Emperor, that
be
his,

day such
his.

w^oman should be born
is

should

and her affections

It

blessedness indeed, to possess

one of

whom we may
womankind

say with

Homer

that she contends with
is

golden Aphrodite in beauty, and in works

the equal of Athene.

Who

of

shall

be compared to her
?

In comeliness, in wit, in goodly works
23
Poly.

Who

indeed

?

— Lycinus,
of
all

I

have

a proposal to

make.

Let us combine our portraits, yours of the body and mine of the
soul,

and throw them into and

a literary

form, for the enjoyment

of our generation

posterity.

Such

a

work

v.ill

be

more enduring than those
gnotus
;

it

will be far

and Parrhasius and Polyremoved from creations of wood and
of Apelles

wax and

colour, being inspired by the Aluses, in

whom

alone

is

that true portraiture that shows forth in one likeness a lovely

body and

a virtuous soul.

F.

24

DEFENCE OF

THE 'PORTRAIT-STUDY'
Polystratus.

Lycinus

Poly. Well,

here

is

the lady's comment.

Tour pages are

most kind, and. complimentary, I

am

sure, Lycinus.
felt

No

one would

have
if

me who had not you would know my real feeling,
so over-praised

kindly towards me.
it is.

But

here

I never do much

like the complaisant ;

they always strike
it

me

as insincere

and wantI blush

ing in frankness.

But when

comes

to

a set panegyric, in which
colours,

my much
fun
of

magnified virtues are painted in glaring
stop

and would fain

my
up

ears,

and

feel that

I

am

rather being

made

than commended.
is tolerable
to

Braise
still

the point at

which the

object of it can 2

believe in the existence of the qualities attributed to
is

him

;

pass that point, and he
course

revolted

and

finds the flatterer out.

Of
to

I know there are plenty

of people
to

who are glad enough
;

have non-existent qualities added

their praises

who

do not

mini being

called

young and lusty in their

decline, or Nireuses

and Phaons though they are hideous ; who, Pelias-like, expect praise
to

metamorphose or rejuvenate them.

But they are mistaken.
commodity
if

Praise would indeed be a most precious 3

there were

any way

of

converting

its

extravagances

into solid fact.
to

But
on

there being none, they can only be

compared

an ugly

man

whom

one should clap a beautiful mask,

and who
would

should then be proud of those looks that any one could take from

him and break

to

pieces ; revealed in his true likeness, he

be only the more ridiculous for the contrast between casket and
treasure.

Or,

if

you

will,

imagine a

little

man

on

stilts

measuring

heights with people

who have

eighteen inches the better of

him

tn

stocking feet.

And

then she told

this story.

There was

a

noble lady,

fair

4

Defence of the
and comely in
portioned.
all

^

Fonratt-Study^
and

2f
ill-pro-

respects except that she was short

A

poet wrote an ode in her honour, and included
;

among her
illustrated

beauties that of tallness

her slender height was

from the poplar.

She was

in ecstasies, as

though the

verses

were making her grow, and kept waving her hand.

Which

the poet seeing, and realizing her appetite for praise, recited
the lines again and again,
till

at last

one of the company whis;

pered in
get up.'
5

his ear,

'

Stop,

my

good man

you

will

be making her

She added

a similar

but

still

more absurd anecdote
As
a

of Strato-

nice the wife of Seleucus,

who

offered a talent to the poet

who

should best celebrate her hair.
bald, with not a hair to call her

matter of fact she was

own.

her head was
treated her
?

like,

or that every one

But what matter what knew how a long illness had
and making imaginary

she listened to these abandoned poets telling of
tresses,

hyacinthine locks, plaiting thick
curls as crisp as parsley.

6

All such surrenders to flattery were laughed to scorn, with

the addition that

many people were just
as these

as

fond of being flattered
artists.
to

and fooled by portrait-painters

by verbal
is

What
improve
little

these people look for in a -painter (she said)

readiness

nature.

Some

of

them

insist

upon the

artist's

taking a

of

their noses, deepening the shade of their eyes, or otherwise idealizing

them

to

order

;

it

quite escapes them that the garlands they after-

wards put on

the picture are o-ffered to another person

who

bears no

relation to themselves.

J

And

so she

went

on, finding

much

in

your composition to

approve, but displeased in particular with your likening her to

Hera and Aphrodite.
had you put me on a

Such comparisons are far
of

too

high for me,
not have

she said, or indeed for any

womankind.

Why, I would
of the
less

level

with women
;

Heroic Age, with

a Penelope, an Arete, a Theano
of the Goddesses.

how much

with the chief

Where

the

Gods are concerned (she continued;

z6

Defence of the
here),

'

Portrait-Study

'

and mark her
that
to

/ am very apprehensive and
to

timid.

I fear

accept a panegyric like this would be

make a Cassiopeia

of myself ; though

indeed she only challenged the Nereids, and

stopped short

of

Hera and Aphrodite.
you must recast
all this
;

So, Lycinus, she insisted that

other- 8

wise she must

call

the Goddesses to witness that you had written

against her wishes,

and leave you to the knowledge that the
to her,
if it

piece

would be an annoyance

circulated in

its

pre-

sent shape, so lacking in reverence and piety.

The

outrage on

reverence would be put

down

to her,

if

she allowed herself to

be likened to her of Cnidus and her of the Garden.

She

would have you bear
you
spoke
of

in

mind the

close of

your discourse, where

the unassuming

modesty that attempted no
It

superhuman
sistent

flights,

but kept near the earth.

was incon-

with that to take the same

woman up
much

to heaven and

compare her with Goddesses.
She would
he,
like to

be allowed

as

sense as Alexander

;

g

when

his

architect proposed to transform

Mount Athos

into a vast image of the

King with

a pair of cities in his hands,
;

shrank from the grandiose proposal

such presumption was

beyond him; such patent megalomania must be suppressed;
leave

Athos alone, he

said,

and do not degrade

a

mighty

mountain to the similitude

of a poor

human
and

body.

This only

showed the greatness
the eyes of
all

of Alexander,
a

itself

constituted in

future generations

monument

higher than any
itself

Athos; to be able to scorn so extraordinary an honour was

magnanimity.

So she commends your work of
but cannot recognize the
description, nor near
ingly she sends
it,

art,

and your

selective

method, lo
Accord-

likeness.

She does not come up to the
no

for indeed

woman

could.

you back your laudation, and pays homage to
it.

the originals from which you drew
within the limits of humanity
;

Confine your praises
is

if

the shoe

too big,

it

may


Defence of the
cnance to trip her up.
'

; ;

Portrait-Study

'

27

Then

there was another point which

I was to impress upon you.

U

/

often hear, she said,

better than

I

— that at Olymfia the
up larger than

but whether

it is

true,

you men know

victors are not allowed to

have

their statues set

life ;

the Stewards see to it that no

one transgresses tins rule, examining the statues even more scrupulously than they did the competitor's qualification.

Take care

that

we do
12

not get convicted of false proportions,

and

find our statue

thrown down by the Stewards.

And now I have given you
to overhaul your work,

her message.

It

is

for you, Lycinus,

and by removing these blemishes avoid
as I

the offence.

They shocked and made her nervous

read:

she kept on addressing the Goddesses in propitiatory words

and such

feelings

may

surely be permitted to her sex.
I

For that

matter, to be quite frank,
first

shared

them
;

to
as

some
soon

extent.
as she

At the
put her

hearing

I

found no offence

but

You know what happens we look at them at close quarters, just under our eyes, I mean, we distinguish nothing clearly but stepping back to the right distance, we get a clear conception of what is right and what is wrong about them. That was my
finger

on the

fault, I
;

began to agree.
if

with

visible objects

;

experience here.
13

After

all,

to

compare

a

mortal to Hera and Aphrodite
else.

is

cheapening the Goddesses, and nothing
parisons the small
is

In such comis

not so

much

magnified as the great

diminished and reduced.

If a giant

and

a

dwarf were walking

together, and their heights

had

to be equalized,

no

efforts of

the dwarf could effect

however much he stood on tiptoe the giant must stoop and make himself out shorter than he is.
it,

So in

this sort of portraiture
as

:

the

human

is

not so

much
upon
;

exalted

by the similitude
If

the divine

is

belittled

and pulled down.
artist

indeed a lack of earthly beauties forced the

scaling

Heaven, he might perhaps be acquitted of blasphemy

but your

28

Defence of the '-Portrait-Study^
;

enterprise was so needless

why Aphrodite and
?

Hera,

when you
like
;

have

all

mortal beauty to choose from

Prune and chasten, then, Lycinus.

All this

is

not quite

14

you, who never used to be over-ready with your commendation

you seem to have gone now to the opposite extreme
digality,

of pro-

and developed from

a niggard into a spendthrift of

praise.

Do

not be ashamed to make alterations in what you
either.

have already published,
after finishing his

They

say Phidias did as

much

Olympian Zeus.

He

stood behind the doors

when he had opened them
seen,

for the first

time to

let the

work be
reverse.

and listened to the comments favourable or the

One found
so on.

the nose too broad, another the face too long, and
the

When

company was gone, he shut himself up
the

again

to correct and adapt his statue to the prevailing taste.
so
all
is

Advice
after

many-headed was not to be despised
see further than the one,

;

many must

though that one be Phidias.

There

the counsel of a friend and well-wisher to back up the lady's

message.

Ly.

Why,

Polystratus, I never

knew what an orator you were. 15

After that eloquent close-packed indictment of
I

my

booklet,

almost despair of the defence.

You and
It
is

she were not quite

judicial,

though

;

you

less

than she, in condemning the accused
always easy to win

when

its

counsel was not in court.

a walk-over,

you know ;

so

no wonder we were convicted, not
But,
still

being allowed to speak or given the ear of the court.

more monstrous, you were
what am
pen
you
a
I

accusers and jury at once.

Well,
?
?

to do

?

accept the verdict and hold
?

my

tongue

palinode like Stesichorus
Surely,
if

or will

you grant an appeal
for yourself.

Poly.
will

you have anything to say
as

For

be heard not by opponents,

you

say,

but by

friends.

Indeed,
Ly.

my place is How I wish

with you in the dock.
I

could have spoken in her
;

own
it

presence

!

16

that would have been far better

but

I

must do

by proxy.

Defence of the
However,
me,
I will
if

'

'Portrait-Study

'

29

you

will report

me

to her as well as

you did her to
but put

adventure.

Poly.

Trust

me
to

to

do

justice to the defence

;

it

shortly, in

mercy

my memory.
I will

Ly. So severe an indictment should by rights be met at
length
;

but for your sake

cut

it

short.

Put these con-

siderations before her
Poly.

from me, then.
please.
I

No, not that way,
listening,

Make your

speech, just as

though she were

and
is

will
;

reproduce you to her.
she has just delivered the

Ly. Very well, then.

She

here

oration which you have described to
turn.

me

;

it

is

now
you
;

counsel's

And

yet

I

must confide

my

feelings to

—you have
will
;

beads gather on
her there
;

made my undertaking somehow more formidable you see the my brow my courage goes I seem to see
;
;

my

situation bewilders me.
is

Yet begin

I

how how

can

I

draw back when she

there

?

Poly.

Ah, but her face promises

a kiniily hearing

;

see

bright and gracious.
17

Pluck up heart, man, and begin.

Ly. Most noble lady, in what you term the great and excessive praise that I

bestowed upon you,
as that

I

find

no such high

testimony to your merits

which you have borne yourself

by your

surprise at the attribution of divinity.
all

That one thing
was not aware of
it.

surpasses

that I have said of you, and
this trait to

my
that

only excuse for not
I

having added
it
;

my

portrait

is

if I

had been, no other should have had precedence of
I

In this light

find myself, far

from exaggerating, to have

fallen
this

much
and

short of the truth.

Consider the magnitude of

omission, the convincing demonstration of a sterling character
a right disposition

which

I lost

;

for those will

be the best

in

human

relations

the divine.

who are most earnest in Why, were it decided that

their dealings with
I
it

must correct

my

words and retouch
to take

my
it,

statue,

I

should do

not by presuming

away from

but by adding

this as its

crowning grace.

3

o

Defe?7ce

of the

'

Portrait-Study

'

But from another point
to acknowledge.
I

of view I have a great debt of gratitude

commend your
The

natural modesty, and your
a position

freedom from that vanity and pride which so exalted
as

yours might excuse.

best witness to

just the exception that

you have taken to
I

my correctness is my words. That
you should
reveal that

instead of receiving the praise

offered as your right
excessive,
is

be disturbed

at it

and

call

it

the proof of your

unassuming modesty.
this
is

Nevertheless, the

more you

your view of

praise, the stronger

proof you give of your

You are an exact illustration of when some one asked him how he might by despising fame.' So if I were asked who become famous most deserve praise, I should answer, Those who refuse it. But I am perhaps straying from the point. What I have to own
worthiness to be praised.
said

what Diogenes

:

'

defend

is

the having likened you, in giving your outward form,

to the Cnidian

and the Garden Aphrodite, to Hera and Athene',
all

such comparisons you find out of
directly with

proportion.

I will

deal

them, then.

It has

indeed been said long ago
that is still more humble prose ones like
;

that poets and painters are irresponsible
true, I conceive, of panegyrists, even

myself
is

who
it

are not run

away with by

their metre.

Panegyric

a chartered thing,

with no standard quantitative measure to
;

which

must conform

its

one and only aim

is

to express deep
light.
;

admiration and
ever, I

set its object in the

most enviable

How-

do not intend to take that
did so because
I I

line of defence

you might
19

think

I

had no other open.

But

have.

I refer

you to the proper formula of panegyric,
illustrations,

which requires the author to introduce

and depends
goodness
is

mainly on their goodness for success.

Now
it is

this

shown not when the
nor yet when

illustration

is

just like the thing illustrated,
as

it is inferior,

but when

high above
it

it as

may

be.

If in praising a

dog one should remark that

was

bigger than a fox or a cat, would

you regard him

as a skilful


Defence of the
panegyrist
a wolf,
?
'-


Portrait-Study
if

'

31

certainly

not.

Or
?

he

calls
it

it

the equal of

he has not made very much of

so either.

Where

is

the right thing to be found

why,

in likening the dog's size

and
dog

spirit to

the

lion's.

So the poet who would praise Orion's

called

it

the lion-queller.

There you have the perfect
Milo of Croton, Glaucus
of

panegyric of the dog.
Carystus, or Polydamas
;

Or

take

to say of

them by way
a

of panegyric

that
to

each

of

them was stronger than
;

woman would

be

make

oneself a laughing-stock

one man instead of the

woman would
a

not

much mend
of

matters.
?

But what, pray, does

famous poet make

Glaucus

To match
Of

those hands not e'en the might
;

Pollux' self had dared

Alcmena's son, that iron wight. Had shrunk
See what Gods he equals him to, or rather what Gods he puts him above. And Glaucus took no exception to being praised
at the expense of his art's patron deities
;

nor yet did they send
;

any judgement on athlete or poet for irreverence
other for this even more than for his other odes.
surprised, then, that

both con-

tinued to be honoured in Greece, one for his might, and the

Do

not be

when

I

wished to conform to the canons
took an exalted one, as

of

my
You

art

and find an
I

illustration, I

reason was that
I

should.

used the word flattery.

To

dislike those
I

who
for

practise
it.

it is

only what you should do, and

honour you

But

I

would have you distinguish between panegyric proper and the
exaggeration of
it.

flatterer's

The

flatterer praises for selfish
it

ends, cares little for truth, and makes

his business to

magnify

indiscriminately
of his

;

most of

his eflfects consist in lying additions

own
he

;

he thinks nothing of making Thersites handsomer
telling

than Achilles, or
host
;

Nestor he

is

younger than any of the

will

swear Croesus's son hears better tlian Melampus,

3

2

Defence of the ^Portrait-Study'*
sight than Lynceus,
if

and give Phineus better
to a profit

he

sees his

way

on the

lie.

But the panegyrist pure and simple,

instead of lying outright, or inventing a quality that does not
exist, takes

the virtues his subject really does possess, though

possibly not in large measure,

and makes the most of them.

The

horse

is

really distinguished
;

among

the animals

we know
hazard
:

for light-footed speed

well, in praising a horse,

he

will

The

corn-stalks brake not 'neath his airy tread.
'

He
his

will

not be frightened of
is

whirlwind-footed steeds.'

If
it,

theme

a

noble house, with everything handsome about
in such a

Zeus on Olympus dwells

home,
line

we

shall

be told.

But your
if

flatterer
a

would use that

about

the swineherd's hovel,

he saw

chance of getting anything
a flatterer

out of the swineherd.
called

Demetrius Poliorcetes had
patron

Cynaethus who, when he was gravelled
a

for lack of matter,

found some in

cough that troubled
!

his

—he

cleared

his throat so musically

There you have one
at a lie
if it

criterion

:

flatterers
;

do not draw the hne 21
another

will please their patrons

panegyrists aim merely at

bringing into relief what really
great difference
:

exists.

But there
as

is

the flatterers exaggerate

much

as

ever they

can

;

the panegyrists in the midst of exaggeration observe the

limitations of decency.

And now

that you have one or two of
I

the

many

tests for flattery
all

and panegyric proper,

hope you
and

will

not treat

praise as suspect, but
its

make

distinctions

assign

each specimen to

true

class.

By your leave I will proceed to apply the two definitions to what I wrote which of them fits it ? If it had been an ugly
;

22

woman
But

that

I

likened to the Cnidian statue,

I

should deserve to

be thought
as it

a toady, further

gone in
I

flattery

than Cynaethus.

was one

for

whose charms

can

call all

men

to witness,

my

shot was not so far out.


Defence of the
23
'

Portrait-Study

'

3 3

Now
Praise

you

will

perhaps say
if

nay, you have said already

my

beauty,

you

will

;

but the praise should not have

been of that invidious kind which compares a
desses.

woman

to

God;

Well,

I

will

keep truth at arm's length no longer

I

did

not,

dear lady, compare you to Goddesses, but to the handi-

work

in marble
is

and bronze and ivory of certain good
surely, in illustrating

artists.

There

no impiety,

mortal beauty by

the work of mortal hands

—unless

you take the thing that

Phidias fashioned to be indeed Athene, or Praxiteles's not
later

much
I

work

at

Cnidus to be the heavenly Aphrodite.

But would
?

that be quite a worthy conception of divine beings

take

the real presentment of them to be beyond the reach of
imitation.

human

24

But granting even that

it

had been the actual Goddesses to
track, of

whom

I

likened you,
;

it

would be no new
citizen

which

I

had

been the pioneer
poet, most of
all

it

had been trodden before by many

a great

by your fellow

Homer, who
him

will kindly

now come and
I will ask

share

my

defence, on pain of sharing
rather you for
passages
;

my

sentence.
is

him, then

—or

for it

one of

your merits to have

all his finest

by heart

—what think
'

you, then, of his saying about the captive Briseis that in her

mourning

for Patroclus she

was

'

Golden Aphrodite's peer

?

A

little
:

further on. Aphrodite alone not meeting the case,

it is

So spake that weeping dame, a match for Goddesses.

When

he

talks like that,

do you take offence and

fling the
?

book

away, or has he your licence to expatiate in panegyric

Whether

he has yours or not, he has that of
not a
critic has

all

these centuries, wherein
it,

found
',

fault

with him for

not he that dared
''

to scourge his statue so

not he whose marginal pen

bastarded

many
'

of his verses.

Now,

shall

he have leave to match wirh
*

Zoilus, called
III

Homeromastix.

Arittatchiu

LUCIAN

D

;

34
I, lest I

Defence of the ^Portrait-Study^
a barbarian

Golden Aphrodite

woman, and her
like

in tears, while

should describe the beauty that you

not to hear

of,

am

forbidden to compare certain images to a lady

who

is

pver

bright and smiling

—that

beauty which mortals share with

Gods

?

When

he had

Agamemnon
! !

in

hand, he was most chary of 25

divine similitudes, to be sure
in his use of

what economy and moderation
see

them

Let us

— eyes
;

and head from Zeus,
Elsewhere, Aga-

belt

from Ares, chest from Posidon

why, he deals the man

out piecemeal

among

the host of Heaven.
'
;

memnon
models
;

is

'

like

baleful Ares
(a

others have their heavenly
is
'

Priam's son
is

Phrygian, mark)
'

of

form

divine,'

the son of Peleus
let us

again and again

a

match

for Gods.'

But

come back

to the feminine instances.

You remember,

of course,


and

a

match

For Artemis or golden Aphrodite
Like Artemis adown the mountain slope.

But he does not even

limit himself to
is

comparing the whole 26
called like the Graces
is

man

to a

God

;

Euphorbus's mere hair

—when

it is

dabbled with blood, too.

In fact the practice
its

so universal that

no branch of poetry can do without
Either let
all

orna-

ments from Heaven.

these be blotted, or let
illustration
is

me

have the same licence.
sible that

Moreover,

so irrespon-

Homer

allows himself to convey his compliments to

Goddesses by using creatures inferior to them.
eyed.

Hera

is

ox-

Another poet colours Aphrodite's eyes from the violet.
it

As

for fingers like the rose,

takes

but

little

of

Homer's society

to bring us acquainted with them.
Still,

so far

we do not
God.

get beyond mere looks

;

a

man

is

only 27

called like a

But think

of the wholesale adaptation of

their names,

by Dionysiuses, Hephaestions, Zenos, Posidoniuses,

Defence of
Hermaeuses.
dispensed

tl.w

'

Portrait-Study

'

3

f

Leto, wife of Evagoras, King of Cyprus, even

with

adaptation

;

but her divine namesake,
like

who
earth,
it

could have turned her into stone

Niobe, took no offence.
religious race
?

What need
uses hail

to

mention that the most
tires of

on

the Egyptian, never

divine names

most of those

from Heaven.
is

28

Consequently, there

not the smallest occasion for you to
If

be nervous about the panegyric.

what

I

wrote contains

anything offensive to the deity, you are not responsible, unless

you consider we
no, I shall

are responsible for

all

that goes in at our ears
as

pay the penalty

;

as

soon

the

Gods have

settled

with

Homer and

the other poets.
all

Ah, and they have not done
^,

so yet with the best of
a likeness of

philosophers

for saying that

God.

But now, though

I

could say

man is much more,
memory,

madam,
and
29

I

must have compassion upon

Polystratus's

cease.

Poly. I

am
do

not so sure
it

I

am

equal to

it,

Lycinus, as
limit.

it

is.

You have made
ever, I will

long,
best.

and exceeded your time
See, I scurry off with

How-

my
;

my

fingers in

my

ears,

that no alien sound
I

may

find

its

way

in to disturb

the arrangement

do not want to be hissed by

my

audience.

Ly. Well, the responsibility for a correct report
alone.

lies

with you

And

having

the present.

now duly instructed you, I will retire for But when the verdict is brought into court, I will
result.
philosophers' might be Plato,

be there to learn the
*

H.
who
is

Luciaii's 'best of
in

all

their spokes-

man
an

'The

P'isher'

(see

§§

14,

22), or Epicurus, in

the light of

two

passages in the 'Alexander' (§§ 47, 61) in which he almost declares himself

Epicurean.

Tie

exact words are
;

not found

in

Pl.ito,

though several
in

similar expressions are quoted

words of Epicurus appear to be translated
I,

Cicero, Z)? nat. De'irum^
litcniium est
:

Book

xviii

s. f.,

hominiN esse specie deos cot;iu the

we

ir.iist

adnnt that the Gods are

image

01

man.

D2

:

l6

TOXARIS A DIALOGUE OF FRIENDSHIP
:

Mnesippus.

Toxaris
tell
?

Mne. Now, Toxaris
for

:

do you mean to

me

actually sacrifice to Orestes

and Pylades

that you people do you take them

Gods

? ?

lox. Sacrifice to them
that

of course
:

we
'

do.

It does

not follow

we
as

think they are

Gods
'

they were good men.
receive sacrifice just the

Mne. And
same

in Scythia

good men

Gods ? Tox. Not only

that,

but we honour them with

feasts

and

public gatherings.

Mne. But what do you expect from them
now,
so their goodwill can be
as to that, I

?

They

are shades

no object.
it

Tox. VVJiy,
a in

think

may be

just as well to

have
all

good understanding even with shades.

But that
also

is

not

honouring the dead we consider that we are

doing the

best

we can for the living. Our idea is that by preserving the memory of the noblest of mankind, we induce many people to
follow their example.

Mne. Ah, there you
godhead
your

are right.

But what could you
you

find to

2

admire in Orestes and Pylades, that you should exalt them to
?

They were
!

strangers to

:

strangers, did I say

?

they were enemies
coast,
oflF

Why, when they were shipwrecked on
laid

and your ancestors

hands on them, and took

them
laid

to be sacrificed to Artemis, they assaulted the gaolers,
off

overpowered the garrison, slew the king, carried
impious hands on the Goddess
herself,

the priestess,
ship.

and so took

Toxaris:
men may

A

Dialogue of Friendship
If

37

snapping their fingers at Scvthia and her laws.

you honour

for this kind of thing, there will be plenty of people to
full.

follow their example, and you will have your hands

You
it

judge for yourselves, from ancient precedent, whether

will suit

you to have
It

so

many

Oresteses and Pyladeses putting

into your ports.

seems to
:

having no religion
in the

left at all

me that it will soon end in your God after God will be expatriated
I

same manner, and then

suppose you will supply their

place by deifying their kidnappers, thus rewarding sacrilege with

3

sacrifice.

If this

is

not your motive in honouring Orestes and

Pylades, I shall be glad to

know what other
Your
offer

service they have

rendered you, that you should change your minds about them,

and admit them to divine honours.
best to offer
It

ancestors did their

them up

to Artemis

:

you

up victims

to them.

seems an absurd inconsistency.
Tox.

very

Now, in the first place, the incident you refer to is much to their credit. Think of those two entering on
:

that vast undertaking by themselves

sailing

away from

their

country to the distant Euxine
days to the Greeks, or

'

—that

sea

unknown

in those

known only
it,

to the Argonauts

—unmoved

by the

stories

they heard of
I

undeterred by the inhospitable

name

it

then bore, which

suppose referred to the savage nations
;

that dwelt
after they

upon

its

shores
;

think of their courageous bearing

were captured

how

escape alone would not serve

them, but they must avenge their wrong upon the king, and
carry Artemis

away over the
However,

seas.

Are not these admirable

deeds, and shall not the doers be counted as

Gods by

all

who

esteem prowess

?

this

is

not our motive in giving

4

them divine honours. Mne. Proceed. What
their

else of godlike

and sublime was

in

conduct

?

Because from the seafaring point of view,
of merchants
'

there are any

number

whose divinity

I will

main-

Sec Euxine in Notes.

38

Toxaris:
:

A

Dialogue of Friendship
the Euxine,

tain against theirs

the Phoenicians, in particular, have sailed
let alone

to every port in

Greek and foreign waters,
;

the Maeotian Lake and the Bosphorus
explore every coast, only returning
winter.

year after year they
at the

home

approach of
fish-

Hucksters though they be for the most part, and
all,

mongers, you must deify them

to be consistent.
5

Tox. Now, now, Mnesippus, listen to me, and you shall see how much more candid we barbarians are in our valuation of good men than you Greeks. In Argos and Mycenae there is not so much as a respectable tomb raised to Orestes and Pylades
:

in Scythia, they have their temple,

which

is

very appropriately

dedicated to the two friends in
every honour.

common,

their sacrifices,

and

The

fact of their being foreigners

does not

prevent us from recognizing their virtues.
into the nationality of noble souls
:

We

do not inquire

we
;

can hear without envy

of the illustrious deeds of our enemies
merits,

we do
if

justice to their

and count them

Scythians in deed

not in name.

What
case
is

particularly excites our reverent admiration in the present

the unparalleled loyalty of the two friends

;

in

them we

have

a

model from which every man may learn how he must
if

share good and evil fortune with his friends,

he would enjoy
they endured 6
a

the esteem of

all

good Scythians.

The

sufi^erings

with and for one another our ancestors recorded on
pillar in

brazen

the Oresteum

;

and they made

it

law, that the educa-

tion of their children should begin with committing to
all

memory

that

is

inscribed thereon.

More

easily shall a child forget

his

own

father's

name than be

at fault in the

achievements of

Orestes and Pylades.

Again, in the temple corridor are pictures

by the

artists of old, illustrating
is first

the story set forth on the

pillar.

shown on shipboard, with his friend at his side. Next, the ship has gone to pieces on the rocks Orestes is capalready Iphigenia prepares the two victims tured and bound But on the opposite wall we see that Orestes for sacrifice.
Orestes
;

;

;

Toxaris:
has broken free
;

A

Dialogue of Friendship
Thoas and many
sailing
a

39
;

he

slays

Scythian

and

the

last

scene shows
;

them

away, with Iphigenia and the

Goddess

the Scythians clutch vainly at the receding vessel
;

they cling to the rudder, they strive to clamber on board
last,

at

utterly baffled, they
It
is

swim back

to the shore,

wounded

or

terrified.

at this point in their conflict
is

with the Scythians
:

that the devotion of the friends

best illustrated

the painter

makes each of them disregard
liis

his

own

enemies, and ward off

friend's assailants, seeking to intercept the arrows before
if

they can reach him, and counting lightly of death,
save his friend, and receive in his

he can

own

person the wounds that
loval

7 are meant for the other.
held to be more than

Such devotion, such

and loving

partnership in danger, such true and steadfast affection,

we
all

human

;

it

indicated a spirit not to be
is

found
take
it

in

very
:

common men. While much amiss if our
but
let

the gale

prosperous,

we

friends will not share equally
little,
I

with us

the wind shift ever so

and we leave

them

to weather the storm by themselves.
is

must

tell

you
this

that in Scythia no quality
of friendship
;

more highly esteemed than
a
toils

there
as

is

nothing on which

Scythian prides
his

himself so
friend
;

much

on sharing the
is

and dangers of

just as nothing

a greater

reproach

among

us

than

treachery to a friend.

We
;

honour Orestes and Pylades, then,
and
for this that

because they excelled in the Scythian virtue of loyalty, which

we

place above

all

others

it is

we have

be-

stowed on them the name of Coraci, which in our language

means
8

spirits of friendship.

Mne. Ah, Toxaris,

so archery
I

is

not the only accomplishas well

ment

of the Scythians,

find

;

they excel in rhetorical

as in military skill.

You have persuaded me
I

already that you
I

were right you were.

in deifying Orestes

and Pylades, though
either,

thought
a

differently just

now.

had no conception,

what

painter

Your description

of the pictures in the

Oresterm

40

Toxaris:
;

A

Dialogue of Friendship
and the way in which the

was most vivid

— that battle-scene,

two intercepted one another's wounds.
have thought that the Scythians would
friendship
:

Only
such

I

should never

set

a

high value on
;

they are such a wild, inhospitable race

I

should

have said they had more to do with anger and hatred and enmity
than with friendship, even for their nearest
relations,

judging

by what one

is

told

;

it is said,

for instance, that they

devour

their fathers' corpses.

Tox. Well, which of the two
general,

is

Greek or Scythian, we
are

will

the more dutiful and pious in 9 not discuss just now but
:

that

we

more

loyal friends than you,
is

and that we treat

friendship

more

seriously,

easily

shown.
all

Now

please
:

do not
I

be angry with me, in the name of
going to mention
a

your Gods

but

few points
I

I

have observed during
all it

am my

stay in this country.

can see that you are
:

admirably

well qualified to talk about friendship

but when
is

comes to

putting your words into practice, there
off
;

a considerable falling

it is

enough

for

you to have demonstrated what an excellent
at the critical

thing friendship

is,

and somehow or other,
fine

moment,

you make
Similarly,
stage,

off,

and leave your

words to look

after themselves.

when your

tragedians represent this subject on the
in

you are loud

your applause

;

the spectacle of one

friend risking his life for another generally brings tears to your
eyes
:

but you are quite incapable of rendering any such signal
;

services yourselves

once

let

your friends get into

difficulties,
;

and

all

those tragic reminiscences take wing like so

many dreams

you

are then the very
:

image of the

silent

mask which the actor
its

has thrown aside

its

mouth
utter.

is

open to
is

fullest extent,

but
:

not a syllable does
are as

it

It

the other

way with

us

we

much

superior to

you

in the practice of friendship, as

we are inferior in expounding Now, what do you say to
of the question
all

the theory of
this

it.
?

proposal

let us

leave out 10

the cases of ancient friendship that either of

Toxaris:
us

A

Dialogue of Friendship

41

might enumerate (there you would have the advantage of me you could produce all the poets on your side, most credible
:

of writnesses, with their Achilles

and Patroclus, their Theseus

and Pirithous, and
verses)
;

others,
let

all

celebrated in the most charming

and instead

each of us advance a few instances of
his

devotion that have occurred within

own
is

experience,

among
and

our respective countrymen

;

these

we

will relate in detail,

whoever can show the best friendships
nounces his country
I for
as victorious.

the winner, and anissues are at stake
:

Mighty

lose

my part would rather be worsted in single combat, and my right hand, as the Scythian custom is, than yield to any
of friendsliip, above
?

man on the question am I not a Scythian
II

all

to a

Greek

;

for

Mne.
at his

I

have got
like

my

work cut out

for

me,

if I

am
as

to engage

an old soldier

Toxaris, with a whole arsenal of keen words
I

the challenge,

command. Well, when my

am

not such a craven
is

to decline

country's honour

at stake.

Could

those two overcome the host of Scythians represented in the
legend, and in the ancient pictures you have just described so
impressively,

—and
for

shall

Greece, her peoples and her

cities,

be

condemned
indeed,
like
if

want

of
;

one to plead her cause
I

?

Strange

that were so

should deserve to lose not

my hand
of friend-

you, but

my

tongue.

Well now,

is

the

number

ships to be limited, or does wealth of instances itself constitute

one claim to superiority
Tox.

i

Oh

no

;

number counts

for

nothing,

that
it
is

must be
simply a
;

understood.

We

have the same number, and

question whether yours are better and more pointed than mine
if

they

are, of course, the
I shall

wounds you
first

inflict will

be the more

deadly, and

be the

to succumb.

Mne. Very
first

well.
it,

Let us

fix

the

number

:

I say five each.

Tox. Five be
:

and you begin.

But you must be sworn
itself

because the subject naturally lends

to fictitious

42
sworn,

"Toxaris
;

:

A
is

Dialoiue of Friendship

treatment
it

there

no checking anything.
to

When you

have

would be impious
well,
if

doubt your word.
it

Mne. Very
preference
ship

you think
?

necessary.

Have you any
of Friend-

among our Gods
case
?

How
my

would the God
turn comes,

meet the

Tox. Excellently

;

and when

I will

employ
I2

the national oath of the Scythians.

Mne. Zeus the God
I shall

of Friendship be

now
from

relate

is

derived either from
as I

my witness, that my own experience,
;

all

or

from such careful inquiry
is

was able to make of others

and

free

all

imaginative additions of

my

own.

I will

begin
is

with the friendship of Agathocles and Dinias.
well

The

story

known

in Ionia.

This Agathocles was

a native of

Samos,

and lived not many years ago.

Though

his

conduct showed
in

him

to be the best of friends, he was of

no better family and

no better circumstances than the generality of the Samians.

From boyhood he had been
Lyson, an Ephesian.
Dinias,

the friend of Dinias, the son of
it

seems, was enormously wealthy,
it is

and
at

as his

wealth was newly acquired,

not to be wondered
;

that he had plenty of acquaintances besides Agathocles

persons

who were

quite qualified to share his pleasures, and to

be

his

boon-companions, but

who were

very far indeed from

being friends.
for such a life

For some time Agathocles

little as

he cared
Dinias

—played

his convivial part

with the

rest,

m.aking no distinction between

him and the
continual

parasites.

Finally,

however, he took to finding fault with

his

friend's conduct,

and gave great offence
ancestry,

:

his

allusions

to

Dinias's

and

his exhortations to
his father

him

to

husband the fortune
his

which had cost

such labour to acquire, seemed to

friend to be in indifferent taste.

He

gave up asking Agathocles

to join in his revels, contented himself with the
parasites,

company

of his

and sought to elude

his friend's observation.

Well, 15

the misguided youth was presently persuaded by his flatterers

; ;

Toxans:
that he had

A

Dialogue of Friendship

43

made

a

conquest of Chariclca, the wife of Demonax,
office in

an eminent Ephesian, holding the highest

that city.

He

was kept well supplied with billets-doux, half-faded flowers,
all

bitten apples, and

the stock-in-trade of those intriguing
it
is

dames whose business
vanity has inspired.

to fan an
is

artificial

passion

that

There

no more seductive bait to young
they are sure to

men who
fall

value themselves on their personal attractions, than

the belief that they have
into the trap.

made an impression

;

Chariclea was a charming
:

little

woman, but

sadly wanting in reserve

any one might enjoy her favours, and

on the
from

easiest of

terms
;

;

the most casual glance was sure to meet
there was never any fear of a repulse
professional
skill,

with encouragement
Ciiariclea.

With more than
till

she could
:

draw on
then,

a hesitating lover

his

subjugation was complete

when

she was sure of him, she had a variety of devices for
:

inflaming his passion

she could storm, and she could flatter
a

and

flatter)'

would be succeeded by contempt, or by
;

feigned
;

preference for his rival

in short, her resources

were

infinite

14 she was armed against her lovers at every point. lady

This was the

whom

Dinias's parasites

now

associated with

them; they
fairly

played their subordinate part well, and between them
hustled the boy into a passion for Chariclea.
mistress of the art of perdition,
before,

Such

a finished

who had

ruined plenty of victims
fine fortunes

and acted love-scenes and swallowed
likely
:

with-

out number, was not

to let this simple inexperienced

youth out of her clutches

she struck her talons into

him on

every side, and secured her quarry so effectually, that she was
involved in his destruction,
the hapless victim.

—to say nothing of the miseries of
at

She got to work
for ever

once with the

billets-

doux.

Her maid was
' :

coming with news

of tears and

sleepless nights

her poor mistress was ready to hang herself

for love.'

The

ingenuous youth was at length driven to con-

clude that his attractions were too

much

for the ladies of

Ephesus

,

44
The

Toxaris:

A
was

Dialogue of Friendship
and waited upon her
he to
mistress.
easy.

he yielded to the

girl's entreaties,

rest, of course,

How was

resist this

pretty 15

woman, with her

captivating manners, her well-timed tears,
?

her parenthetic sighs

Lingering farewells, joyful welcomes,

judicious airs and graces, song and lyre,

all

were brought to
finishing
a

bear upon him.
ears

Dinias was soon a lost man, over head and

in love

;

and Chariclea prepared to give the

stroke.

She informed him that he was about to become

father,

which was enough
;

in itself to

inflame the amorous
to

simpleton

and she discontinued her
said,

visits

him

;

her hus-

band, she
her.

had discovered her

passion,

and was watching
:

This was altogether too
;

much

for Dinias

he was in-

consolable

wept, sent messages by his parasites, flung his arms

about her statue

shrieked forth her

himself
frenzy.

a marble one which he had had made name in loud lamentation, and finally threw down upon the ground and rolled about in a positive Her apples and her flowers drew forth presents which

were on quite another

scale of

munificence

:

houses and farms,

servants, exquisite fabrics,
a

and gold to any extent.

To make

long story short, the house of Lyson, which had the reputa-

tion of being the wealthiest in Ionia, was quite cleared out.

No

sooner was this the case, than Chariclea abandoned Dinias, 16
off in pursuit of a certain

and went and by

golden youth of Crete,

irresistible as he,

and not

less gullible.

Deserted

alike

by her

his parasites

(who followed the chase

of the fortunate

Cretan), Dinias presented himself before Agathocles,

who had
his

long been aware of his friend's situation.
first feelings
all
:

He

swallowed

of embarrassment,

and made

a clean breast of it

his love, his ruin, his mistress's disdain, his

Cretan

rival

;

and ended by protesting that wdthout Chariclea he could not Agathocles did not think it necessary to remind Dinias live.
just

then

how he
parasites

alone had been excluded from his friendship,

and how

had been preferred to him

:

instead, he

went

Toxaris :
off

A

Dialogue of Friendship
in

\s

and sold

he possessed

Samos — the only property family residence — and brought him the proceeds, ^']^o. Dinias had
his
it

no sooner received the money, than

became evident that he

had somehow recovered
clea
:

his

good

looks, in the opinion of Chari-

once more the maid-servant and the notes, with reproaches
;

for his long neglect

once more, too, the throng of parasites
still

;

17 they saw that there were
at her house,
inside,
his

pickings to be had.
at

Dinias arrived

by agreement,

when Demonax

—^whether he had an understanding with
as

about bedtime, and was already

wife in the matter,

some

say, or

had got

his

information

independently
his servants to

—sprang

out from concealment, gave orders to
fast

make the door

and to secure Dinias, and then
flagellation against the para-

drew

his sword, breathing fire

and

mour.

Dinias, realizing his danger, caught

up

a

heavy bar that
;

lay near,

and dispatched Demonax with

a

blow on the temple

then, turning to Chariclea, he dealt blow after blow with the

same weapon, and
body.
terror
;

finally

plunged her husband's sword into her

The

domestics stood by,
at length they

dumb

with amazement and
seize

and when

attempted to

him, he

rushed at them with the sword, put them to

flight,

and slipped

away from the
and

fatal

scene.

The

rest of that

night he and

Agathocles spent at the
its

latter's house,

pondering on the deed
soon spread, and in

probable consequences.
officers

The news
arrest

the morning

came

to

Dinias.

He made no
him up
to the

attempt to deny the murder, and was conducted into the
presence of the then Prefect of Asia,

who

sent

Emperor.

He

presently returned, under sentence of perpetual
All this time,

18 banishment to Gyarus, one of the Cyclades.
Agathocles had never
left his side
:

with unfaltering devotion,

he accompanied him to
stood by him in his
trial.

Italy,

and was the only friend who
even in
his

And now

banishment he

would not desert him, but condemned himself to share the sentence ; and when the necessaries of life failed them, he hired

46

Toxans:

A

Dialogue of Friendship
him

himself out as a diver in the purple-fishery, and with the proceeds of his industry supported Dinias and tended
sickness
till

in his

the end.

Even when

all

was over, he would not
the island, thinking

return to his
it

own home, but remained on

shame even

in death to desert his friend.

There you have
;

the history of a Greek friendship, and one of recent date
I think it

can scarcely be

as

much

as five

years ago that Agathocles

died on Gyarus.

lox.
story
:

I

wish
alas

I
!

were

at liberty to

doubt the truth of your

but

you speak under oath.
;

Your Agathocles

is

a truly Scythian friend

I

only hope there are no more of the

same kind to come.

Mne. See what you think
cidice.
I

of the next

—Euthydicus of
of

Chal- 19

heard

his

story from Simylus,

a

shipmaster of Megara,

who vowed that he had been an eyewitness He set sail from Italy about the setting of
for Athens,

what he

related.

the Pleiads, bound

with

a miscellaneous shipload of passengers, his

among
Chal-

whom
cidice.
a

were Euthydicus and

comrade Damon,
same
age.

also of

They were
as if

of about the
;

Euthydicus was

powerful man, in robust health

Damon

was pale and weakly,
a

and looked

he were just recovering from
as

long

illness.

They had
a

a

good voyage

far as

Sicily

:

but they had no

sooner passed through the Straits into the Ionian Sea, than

tremendous storm overtook them.

I

need not detain you

with descriptions of mountainous billows and whirlwinds and
hail

and the other adjuncts of

a

storm

:

suffice it to say, that
trail cables after

them way made Zacynthus by about midnight. At this point Damon, being seasick, as was natural in such a heavy sea, was leaning over the side, when
they were compelled to take in
all sail,

and

to break the force of the waves, and in this

(as

I

suppose) an unusually violent lurch of the vessel in his

direction,

hurled him headlong into the

combining with the rush of water across the deck, The poor wretch v.as not sea.


Toxaris:

A

Dialojriie
a

of Friendship
chance of swimmin:/

47
:

even naked, or he might have had

it

was

all

he could do to keep himself above water, and get
Euthydicus was lying in
his

20 out a cry for help.
dressed.

berth unsea,

He

heard the cry, flung himself into the

and

succeeded in overtaking the exhausted

Damon

;

and

a

powerful
his
all

moonlight enabled those on deck to see him swimming at
side for a considerable distance,
felt for

and supporting him.

'

We

them,' said Simylus,

'

and longed to give them some
;

assistance,

but the gale was too much for us
a

we

did,

however,

throw out

number

of corks

and

spars

on the chance of their
;

getting hold of some of them, and being carried to shore
finally

and

we threw
:

over the gangway, which was of some

size.'

Now

only think

could any

man

give a surer proof of afTection,
like

than by throwing himself into a furious sea
the death of his friend
?

that to share

Picture to yourself the surging billows,

the roar of crashing waters, the hissing foam, the darkness, the
hopeless prospect
:

look at

Damon,

—he

is

at his last gasp,

he

barely keeps himself up, he holds out his hands imploringly

to his friend

:

and

lastly look at

Euthydicus,

as

he leaps into

the water, and swims by his side, with only one thought in his

mind,

—Damon must not be the
I

first

to perish

;

— and you

will

see that

Euthydicus too was no bad friend.
tremble for their fate
:

21

Tox.

were they drowned, or did

some miraculous providence
day,

deliver
all

them
;

?

Mne. Oh, they were saved
at
this

ripht

and they are

in

Athens

both of them, studying philosophy.
:

Simylus's
has fallen

story closes with the events of the night

Damon

overboard, Euthydicus has
pair are left

jumped
till

in to his rescue,
lost in

and the

swimming about
tells

they are
It

the darkness.

Euthydicus himself
across

the

rest.

seems that

first

they came
;

some

pieces of cork,

which helped to support them

and

they managed with they saw the

much ado to keep afloat, till about dawn gangway, swam up to it, clambered on, and were

48

Toxaris

:

A
you

Dialogue of Friendship
These,
third
is

carried to Zacynthus without further trouble.

I

think, 22

are passable instances of friendship
inferior to

;

and

my

no way
narrow

them,

as

shall hear.

Eudamidas
his fellow

of Corinth,

though he was himself
friends

in very

circumstances, had

two

who were

well-to-do, Aretaeus

townsman, and Charixenus of Sicyon.
left a will

When Eudadare say would

midas died, he
excite

behind him which
:

I

most people's

ridicule

but what the generous Toxaris, and
his

with

his respect for friendship

ambition to secure
think of the matter,

its
is

highest honours for his country,

may

another question.
explain that
a

The

terms of the will
left

—but
will,
to

first

I

should

Eudamidas

behind him an aged mother and
;

daughter of marriageable years
:

—the

then,

was

as
to

follows

To Aretaeus I bequeath
:

my

mother,

tend and
to

cherish in her old age
in marriage with such

and

to

Charixenus

my

daughter,

give
of :

dowry as

his circumstances will

admit

and should anything

befall either of the legatees, then let his portion

pass to the survivor.

The

reading of this will caused some

merriment among the hearers, who knew of Eudamidas's poverty,
but did not know anything of the friendship existing between

him and his heirs. They went off much tickled at the handsome legacy that Aretaeus and Charixenus (lucky dogs !) had

come

in for

:

'

Eudamidas,'

as

they expressed

it,

*

was apparently

to have a death-interest in the property of the legatees.'
ever, the latter

How-

23

had no sooner heard the
testator's

will read,

than they
Charixenus

proceeded to execute the

intentions.
:

only survived Eudamidas by five days

but Aretaeus, most
is

generous of

heirs,

accepted the double bequest,

supporting

the aged mother at this day, and has only lately given
in marriage, allowing to her

tlie

daughter

and to

his

own daughter

portions of
;

j^500 each, out of his whole property of j^l,250

the two

marriages were arranged to take place on the same day.

What

do you think of him, Toxaris

?

This

is

something

like friend-


;

Toxaris :
ship,
is

A

Dialogue of Friendship
as this,

49

it

not,

— to
?

accept such a bequest
?

and to show
pass this as

such respect for

a friend's last wishes

May we

one of

my

five

Tox. Excellent as was the behaviour of Aretaeus,
still

I

admire

more Eudamidas's confidence
as

in his friends.

It
if

shows that

he would have done
been said about
it

much

for

them

;

even

nothing had
first

in their wills,

he would have been the

to

come forward and claim the inheritance as natural heir. Mne. Very true. And now I come to Number Four 24
Zenothemis of
out to
Massilia, son of Charmoleos.
I

He
:

was pointed
a fine,

me when

was in Italy on public business
all

hand-

some man, and to

appearance well
a
;

off.

But by

his side (he

was just driving away on
she had lost one eye

journey) sat his wife, a
all

woman
I

of
;

most repulsive appearance
;

her right side was withered

in short, she

was

a positive fright.

ex-

pressed

my

surprise that a

man

in the

prime of manly beauty
seated

should endure to have such a
informant,

woman

by him.

My
'

who was

a

Massiliot himself, and

knew how the

marriage had come about, gave
father of this unsightly

me

all

the particulars.
'

The

woman,' he

said,

was Menecrates

and he and Zenothemis were friends in days when both were

men
ever,

of wealth

and rank.

The

property of Menecrates, how-

was afterwards confiscated by the Six Hundred, and he

himself disfranchised, on the ground that he had proposed an

unconstitutional measure

;

this

being the regular penalty in
sentence was in
itself a

Massilia for such offences.

The

heavy

blow to Menecrates, and

it

was aggravated by the sudden change

from wealth to poverty and from honour to dishonour.

But

most

of

all

he was troubled about
it

this

daughter: she was
a

now
;

eighteen years old, and

was time that he found her
it

husband

yet with her unfortunate appearance

was not probable that

any one, however poor or obscure, would have taken her, even
with
all

the wealth

lier

father had possessed previous to his

LUCIAN in

E

fo

Toxaris
;

:

A

Dialogue of Friendship
she was subject to
his
:

sentence

it

was

said, too, that

fits

at every

increase of the

moon.

He

was bewailing

themis,
said,

when the latter interrupted him " be sure that you shall want for nothing, and that your
shall find a

hard lot to Zeno- 25 " Menecrates," he

daughter

match

suitable to her rank."

So saying,
his house,
a

he took
assigned

his friend

by the hand, brought him into and ordered

him

a share of his great wealth,

banquet
his

to be prepared, at
friends, giving the

which he entertained Menecrates and marry the

former to understand that he had prevailed
girl.

upon one
themis

of his acquaintance to

When
:

dinner

was over, and libations had been poured to the Gods, Zenofilled a

goblet and passed

it

to Menecrates

" Accept,"

he cried, "

from your son-in-law the cup of friendship.

This

day

I

wed your daughter Cydimache.
;

The dowry

I

have had

long since ^60,000 was the sum." " You ? " exclaimed Menecrates ; " Heaven forbid that I should be so mad as to suffer
you, in the pride of your youth, to be yoked to this unfortunate
girl
!

"

But even while he
to

spoke,

Zenothemis was conducting

his

bride

the

marriage-chamber, and presently returned
his

to

announce that she was

wedded

wife.

Since that day,
;

he has lived with her on the most affectionate terms

and

you

see for yourself that

he takes her about with him wherever

he goes.

As to

his

being ashamed of his wife, one would rather 26
;

suppose that he was proud of her
respect shows

and

his

conduct in

this

how
not

lightly

he esteems beauty and wealth and
;

reputation, in comparison with friendship and his friend

for

Hundred have condemned him. To be sure, Fortune has already given him one compensation his ugly wife has borne him a most beautiful
Menecrates
is

less his

friend because the Six

:

child.

Only

a

few days ago, he carried

his child into

the Senate-

house, crowned with an olive-wreath, and dressed in black, to
excite the pity of the senators

on

his grandfather's behalf his little

:

the

babe smiled upon them, and clapped

hands together,

Toxaris:
which
so

A
who

Dialogue of Friendship
now

5-1

moved the

senators that they repealed the sentence
is

against Menecrates,

reinstated in his rights, thanks

to the pleadings of his tiny advocate.'

Such was the
service that

Massiliot's story.

As you

see, it
;

was no
I

slight

Zenothemis rendered to
Scythians

his friend

fancy there

are not

many
still

who would do

the same

;

they are said

to be very nice even in their selection of concubines.

27

I

have

one friend to produce, and

I

think none

is

more

worthy

of

remembrance than Demetrius

of

Sunium.

He and
in their

Antiphilus of the

deme

of Alopece

had been playmates

childhood, and grown up side by side.
ship for Egypt, and carried

They subsequently

took

on

their studies there together,

Demetrius practising the Cynic philosophy under the famous
sophist of Rhodes, while Antiphilus,
it

seems, was to be a doctor.

Well, on one occasion Demetrius had gone up country to see

the Pyramids, and the statue of
said that the

Memnon.

He had

heard

it

Pyramids in spite of their great height cast no
a

shadow, and that
all this

sound proceeded from the statue

at sunrise

:

he wished to see and hear for himself, and he had
six

now

been away up the Nile
philus,

months.

During

his absence,

Anti-

who had remained behind
all

(not liking the idea of the

28 heat and the long journey), became involved in troubles which
required
rendered.

the assistance that faithful friendship could have
a Syrian slave,

He had

whose name was

also Syrus.

This

man had made common
had forced
his

cause with a

number

of temple-

robbers,

way with them

into the temple of

Anubis, and robbed the
ceus, also of gold,

God
silver

of a pair of golden cups, a cadu-

some

images of Cynocephali and other
Syrus's charge.

treasures

;

all

of

which the

rest entrusted to

Later on they were caught trying to dispose of some of their
booty, and were taken up
;

and being put on the

rack,

im-

mediately confessed the whole truth.

They were

accordingly

conducted to Antiphilus's house, where they produced the
£ 2

5"

2

Toxaris:
from

A
a

Dialogue of Friendship
dark corner under
his
a

stolen treasure

bed.

Syrus was
:

immediately arrested, and

master Antipliilus with him

the latter being dragged away from the very presence of his

teacher during lecture-time.
his

There was none
a

to help

him

:

former acquaintances turned their backs on the desecrator

of Anubis's temple,

and made
at the

it

matter of conscience that

they had ever

sat

same table with him.
all

As to

his

other two servants, they got together
ran
off.

his belongings,

and

Antiphilus had

now

lain

long in captivity.
all

He
;

was looked 29

upon

as

the vilest criminal of

in the prison

and the native

gaoler, a superstitious

man, considered that he was avenging

the God's wrongs and securing his favour by harsh treatment
of Antiphilus.

His attempts to clear himself of the charge of

sacrilege only served to set

him

in the light of a

hardened
in

offender,

and materially to increase the detestation

which

he was held.
strain,

His health was beginning to give way under the
:

and no wonder

his

bed was the bare ground, and
as to stretch his legs,

all

night he was unable so

much
;

which were
and one

then secured in the stocks

in the daytime, the collar

manacle

sufficed,

but at night he had to submit to being bound

hand and

foot.

geon, in which so
for breath,

The stench, too, and the closeness of the dunmany prisoners were huddled together gasping
difficulty of getting
all

and the

any

sleep,

owing to the

clanking of chains,
able to one
ships.

combined to make the

situation intoler-

At

last,

who was quite unaccustomed to endure when Antiphilus had given up all
in his absence. It

such hardhope, and 30

refused to take any nourishment, Demetrius arrived, ignorant
of all that

had passed

He no

sooner learnt the

truth, than he flew to the prison.

was now evening, and he

was refused admittance, the gaoler having long since bolted
the door and retired to
rest,

leaving his slaves to keep guard.
ent.-caties

Morning came, and

after

many

he was allowed to

Toxaris :
enter.

A

Dialogue of Friendship
in vain

f

3

Suffering had altered Antiphilus beyond recognition,

and

for long

Demetrius sought him

:

like

their slain relatives

on the day

after a battle,

men who seek when death has
on Antiphilus

already changed them,

he went from prisoner to prisoner,
;

examining each in turn

and had he not

called

by name,

it

would have been long before he could have recog-

nized him, so great was the change that misery had wrought.

Antiphilus heard the voice, and uttered a cry; then,
friend approached, he brushed the dry matted hair
face,

as

his his

from

and revealed

his identity.

one another, the two friends
the ground

At the unexpected sight of instantly fell down in a swoon.
raised Antiphilus
all

But presently Demetrius recovered, and
:

from
that

he obtained from him an exact account of
;

had happened, and bade him be of good cheer
his cloak in

then, tearing

two, he threw one half over himself, and gave the
first

other to his friend,

ripping off the squalid, threadbare rags

31 in which he was clothed.
failing in his attendance.

From that hour, Demetrius was unFrom early morning till noon, he
Returning to the prison
a part of his earnings to

hired himself out

as a

porter to the merchants in the harbour,

and thus made

a considerable wage.

when

his

work was over, he would give

the gaoler, thus securing his obsequious goodwill, and the rest
sufficed

him amply

for supplying his friend's needs.

For the

remainder of the day, he would stay by Antiphilus, administering consolation to

him

;

and

at nightfall

made

himself a litter
his
rest.

of leaves near the prison door,

and there took

So

things

went on

for

some time, Demetrius having
a

free entrance

to the prison, and Antiphilus's misery being mucli alleviated

32 thereby.

But presently

certain

robber died in the gaol,
;

apparently from the effects of poison

a strict

watch was kept,

and admittance was refused to
distress of

all

applicants alike, to the great

Demetrius,

who

could think of no other means of

obtaining access to

his

friend than

by going

to the Prefect

5"4

Toxaris:

A

Dialogue of Friendship
in

and professing complicity
result of this declaration,

the temple robbery.
oflE

As the
to prison,

he was immediately led

and with great
was

difficulty prevailed

upon the gaoler

after

many

entreaties to place
collar.

him next
Ill

to Antiphilus, and under the same

It

now

that his devotion to his friend appeared in

the strongest light.

though he was himself, he thought
:

nothing of

his

own

sufferings

his

only care was to lighten the
as

afHiction of his friend,
possible
;

and to procure him

much

rest as

and the companionship
Finally an event

in misery certainly lightened

their load.

happened which brought

their 33

misfortunes to an end.

One

of the prisoners

had somehow got

hold of a

file.

He

took a

number

of the others into his con-

fidence, filed

through the chain which held them together by

means of
few were
en masse.

their collars,
easily slain
;

and

set all at liberty.

The

guards being

and the prisoners burst out of the gaol
scattered,

They then

and each took refuge

for the

moment where he
recaptured.

could, most of

them being subsequently
in

Demetrius and Antiphilus, however, remained

the prison, and even secured Syrus

when he was about

to escape.

The
sent

next morning the Prefect, hearing what had happened,

men

in pursuit of the other prisoners,

and Demetrius and

Antiphilus,

being
fetters,

from their
like

summoned to his presence, were released and commended for not having run away
friends,
:

the

rest.

The

however, declined to accept their

dismissal

on such terms

Demetrius protested loudly against

the injustice which would be done to
for criminals,

them

if

they were to pass

who owed

their discharge to mercy, or to their

discretion in not having run away.

They

insisted that the
case.

judge should examine carefully into the facts of their
at length did so
;

He
of

and was convinced of their innocence, did
with a
;

justice to their characters, and,

warm commendation

Demetrius's conduct, dismissed them

but not before he had

expressed his regret at the unjust sentence under which they had


: ;

Toxaris :
suffered,
34.

A

DialoQ^ue of Friendship
a present

ff

and made each of them

from

his

own

purse,

/400 to Antiphilus, and twice that sum to Demetrius. Antiphilus is still in Egypt at the present time, but Demetrius went
ofJ to

India to

visit

the Brahmins, leaving his ;^8oo with Antisaid, leave his friend

philus.

He

could now, he

with

a clear

conscience.

His
so,

own wants were

simple, and as long as they
:

continued

he had no need of money

on the other hand,

Antiphilus, in his present easy circumstances, had as little need
of a friend.
See, Toxaris,

what

a

Greek friend can do

!

You were
I

so

hard just now upon our rhetorical vanity, that

forbear to
:

give you the admirable pleadings of Demetrius in court

not

one word did he say

in his

own

behalf

;

all

was for Antiphilus
all

he wept and implored, and sought to take
himself
35
;

the guilt upon

till

at last

the confession of Syrus under torture cleared
loyal friends

them both.
were the

These

whose

stories I
;

have related
I

first

that occurred to
I

my memory
fifty.

where

have
I

given five instances,
silent
:

might have given
I

And now
tell

am

it is

your turn to speak.

need not

you to make
you
any

the most of your Scythians, and bring them out triumphant
if

you can

:

you

will

do that

for

your own

sake, if

set

value on that right hand of yours.

Quit you, then,

like a

man.

You would

look foolish

if,

after

your truly professional panefail

gyric of Orestes and Pylades, your art were to

you in your

country's need.

Tox.

I

honour you

for

your disinterested encouragement
as to

apparently you are under no uneasiness
tongue, in the event of

the

loss

of your
:

my

winning.

Well,

I will

begin

and

you

will get

no flowery language from

me

;

it is

not our Scythian
description.

way, especiaUy

when

the deeds

we handle dwarf

Be prepared
your
less

for

something very different from the subjects of
:

own

eulogy

here will be no marryings of ugly and dowerof
friends'

women, no five-hundred-pound-portionings

f6

Toxaris:

A
;

Dialogue of Friendship
speedy

daughters, nor even surrenderings of one's person to gaolers,

with the certain prospect of
cheap manifestations
ing.
I

a

release.
is

These

are very

the lofty, the heroic,

altogether want-

have to speak of blood and war and death for friend- 36
;

ship's sake

you

will learn that

all

you have related

is

child's-

play,

when compared with the deeds
natural enough
:

of the Scythians.

After

all, it is

what should yoa do but admire these
as in a

trifles

?

Living in the midst of peace, you have no scope for

the exhibition of an exalted friendship, just

calm

we

cannot

tell a
;

good

pilot

from

a

bad

;

we must wait

tiU a

storm

comes

then we know.

We, on the
invading,

contrary, live in a state

of perpetual warfare,

now
is

now
is

receding,

now

con-

tending for pasturage or booty.
friendship
;

There

the true sphere of
ties

and there
;

the reason that

its

among

us are

drawn

so close

friendship

we hold

to be the

one invincible,

irresistible

weapon.
I

But before

begin,

I

should like to describe to you our 37
Friendships are not formed with

manner
us, as

of

making

friends.

with you, over the wine-cups, nor are they determined

by considerations of age or neighbourhood.
see a brave

We

wait

till

we
all

man, capable of valiant deeds, and to him we
Friendship with us
of our object,
is

turn our attention.

like

courtship with

you

:

rather than

fail

and undergo the disgrace
and to
accepted,
:

of a rejection,

we

are content to urge our suit patiently,

give our constant attendance.

At length

a friend

is

and the engagement
*

is

concluded with our most solemn oath

to live together
is

and

if
:

need be to die for one another.' once
let

That

vow

faithfully kept

the friends draw blood from

their fingers into a cup, dip the points of their swords therein,

and drink of that draught together, and from that moment
nothing can part them. Such
three persons, but no
to be

more
a

no better than

may include man of many friends we consider woman who is at the service of every
a treaty of friendship
:

a

Toxaris:
lover
;

A

Dialogue of Friendship
is

$7

we

feel

no further security in a friendship that

divided

betvi^een so

38

I will

many objects. commence with the

recent story of Dandamis.

In our

conflict

with the Sauromatae, Dandamis's friend Amizoces had

been taken captive,
oath, as

—oh,

but
start.

first

I

must take the Scythian

we

agreed at the

I

swear by

Wind and

Scimetar

that

I will

speak nothing but truth of the Scythian friendships.

concerned.

Mne. You need not have troubled to swear, as far as I am However, you showed judgement in not swearing
a

by

God.

Tox,

What

can you mean

?

Wind and

Scimetar not Gods

?

Are you now to learn that
siderations

life

and death are the highest con-

Scimetar,
of death.

among mankind ? When we swear by Wind and we do so because Wind is the cause of life and Scimetar
that principle, you get a good

Mne.

On

many
is

other Gods

besides Scimetar,

and

as

good

as

he

:

there

is

Arrow, and Spear,
a

and Hemlock, and Halter, and
assumes

so on.

Death

God who

many

shapes

;

numberless are the roads that lead into

his presence.

39

Tox. Nov/ you are just trying to spoil

my

story with these

quibbling objections.

I

gave you

a fair hearing.
;

Mne. You
I

are quite right, Toxaris
I'Jl

it shall

not occur again,

be easy on that score.

be so quiet, you would never know

was here at

all.

Tox. Four days after Dandamis and Amizoces had shared the

cup of blood, the Sauromatae invaded our territory with 10,000
horse, their infantry being estimated at three times that

number.
;

The invasion was unexpected, and we were completely routed many of our warriors were slain, and the rest taken captive, with the exception of a few who managed to swim across to the
opposite bank of
t];e river,

on which

half our host

was encamped,

with a part of the wagc^ons.

The

reason of this arrangement

; ;

yS

Toxaris:
;

A

Dialogue of Friendship
seen good to divide our Tanais.

I do not know but our leaders had camp between the two banks of the

The enemy

at

once

set to

work to secure

their booty

and

collect the captives

they plundered the camp, and took possession of the waggons,

most of them with
very eyes.

their occupants

;

and we had the mortifica-

tion of seeing our wives

and concubines mishandled before our
lie

Amizoces was among the prisoners, and while
his friend

40

was being dragged along he called upon
witness his captivity and to

by name, to

remember the cup

of blood.

Dan-

damis heard him, and without a moment's delay plunged into
the river in the sight of
all,

and swam

across to the

enemy.
transfix

The
him

Sauromatae rushed upon him, and were about to
with their raised
javelins,

when he
word

raised the cry of Zirin.
is

The
:

man who pronounces
it

that

safe

from

their

weapons
is

indicates that he

is

the bearer of ransom, and he

received
chief,

accordingly.

Being conducted into the presence of their

he demanded the liberation of Amizoces, and was told in reply,
that his friend

would only be
one who
at

released

upon payment
Dandamis,
all
*

of a high

ransom.

'

All that was once mine,' said
:

has

become
take

your booty
me,
'

but

if

is

stripped of

can have anything

yet left to give,
if

it is

your disposal.

Name
as

your terms

:

you

will, in his place,

and use nie

seems best to you.*
the Zirin on his

To

detain the person of one
is

who comes with
possessions.'
eyes,'
'

lips

out of the question
a part of

:

but you may take back your friend

on paying me
have
?
'

your
'

What

will

you

asked Dandamis.
:

Your

was the reply.

Dan-

damis submitted

his eyes

were plucked out, and the Sauro-

matae had

their ransom.

He

returned leaning on his friend,

and they swam

across together,

and reached us in

safety.

There was comfort

for all of us in this act of
all
:

Our

defeat,

it

seemed, was no defeat, after

Dandamis. 41 our most

precious possessions h»d escaped the hands of our enemies
loyal friendship, noble resolution, these

were

still

our own.

On

Toxaris:
the Sauromatae
like
it

A

Dialogue of Friendship
effect
:

S9
all

had the contrary

they did not at

the idea of engaging with such determined adversaries on
;

equal terms
prise

gaining an advantage of

them by means
of
it

of a sur-

was quite another matter.
left

The end

was, that

when

night came on they

behind the greater part of the herds,
retreat.

burnt the waggons, and beat a hasty

As

for Amizoces,
:

he could not endure to
blinded himself, and the
all

see,

when Dandamis was blind he two now sit at home, supported in
I

honour

at the public expense.

42

Can you match that, friend ? I think not, though give you ten new chances on the top of your five
release

should

;

ay,

and you
have

you from your oath,

too, for that matter, leaving
as

free to exaggerate as

much

you choose.

Besides,

I

given you just the bare

Dandamis's

story,

Now, if you had been what embroidery we should have had
facts.

telling
!

The

supplications of Dandamis, the blinding process, his remarks on

the occasion, the circumstances of his return, the effusive greetings of the Scythians,

and

all

the ad captandum artifices that

you Greeks understand
43

so well.

And now

let

me

introduce you to another friend, not inferior

to Dandamis,

a cousin of

Amizoces, Belitta by name.

Belitta

was once hunting with

his friend Basthes,

when the

latter

was

torn from his horse by a lion.

Already the brute had

fallen

upon him, and was clutching him by the throat and beginning to tear him to pieces, when Belitta, leaping to earth, rushed
upon him from behind, and attempted
turn
his

to drag

him

off,

and to

rage upon himself, thrusting his hands into the brute's
his

mouth, and doing
teeth.

best to extricate
last
:

Basthes from those

He

succeeded at

the lion, abandoning his half

dead prey, turned upon

Belitta,

grappled with him, and slew
a

him; but not before
breast.

Belitta

had plunged
;

scimetar into his

Thus

all

three died together

and we buried them,

the two friends in one grave, the lion in another close bv.

6o
For

Toxans:
my

A

Dialogue of Friendship
I

third instance,

shall give

you the friendship

of

44

Macentes, Lonchates, and Arsacomas.

This Arsacomas had

been on

a visit to

Leucanor, king of Bosphorus, in connexion

with the tribute annually paid to us by that country, which
tribute was then three

months overdue

;

and while there he

had

fallen in love

with Mazaea, the king's daughter.
fine

Mazaea

was an extremely

woman, and Arsacomas,

seeing her at

the king's table, had been

much now

smiiten with her charms.

The

question of the tribute was at length settled, Arsacomas had his
answer, and the king was
departure.
It
is

entertaining

him

prior to his

the custom for suitors in that country to make

their proposals at table, stating at the
tions.

same time their
were
a

qualifica-

Now

in the present case there
kings,

number

of suitors

—kings
What
dinner
table,

and sons of

prince of

among whom were Tigrapates the the Lazi and Adyrmachus the chief of the Machlyans.
is,

each suitor has to do
liis

first

to declare his intentions,
rest
;

and quietly take
is

seat at table

with the

then,

when

over, he calls

for a goblet, pours libation

upon the

and makes

his proposal for

the lady's hand, saying what-

ever he can for himself in the

way

of birth, wealth,

and dominion.

Many

had already preferred their request in due 45 form, enumerating their realms and possessions, when at last
suitors, then,

Arsacomas called
it is

for a cup.

He did not make a libation,
;

because
it

not the Scythian custom to do so

we should
:

consider

an insult to Heaven to pour away good wine
it all off

instead,

he drank
'

at
'

one draught, and then addressed the king.

Sire,'

he

said,

give

me your daughter Mazaea

to wife

:

if

wealth and
for her

possessions count for anything, I

am

a fitter
:

husband

than

these.'

Leucanor was surprised
a

he knew that Arsa'

comas was but
herds,
are

poor commoner among the Scythians.
'
;

What
*

what waggons have you, Arsacomas ? he asked the wealth of your people.' 'Waggons and herds
' :

these

I

have

none,' was Arsacornas's reply

but

I

have two excellent friends.

Toxans:
whose
like

A

Dialogue of Friejidshtp

6i

you

will not find in all Scythia.'
;

His answer only

excited ridicule

it

was attributed to drunkenness, and no

further notice was taken of him.

Adyrmachus was preferred to
his return

the other suitors, and was to take his bride away the next morn-

46 ing to

his

Maeotian home.

Arsacomas on

informed
king,

his friends of

the slight that had been put upon

him by the
'

and of the

ridicule to

which he had been subjected on account
'

And yet,' he added, I told him of him that I had the friendship of Lonchates and Macentes, a more precious and more lasting possession than his kingdom of Bosphorus. But he made light of it; he jeered at us and gave his daughter to Adyrmachus the Machof his supposed poverty.

my

wealth

:

told

;

lyan, because

he had ten golden cups, and eighty waggons of

four seats, and a

number

of sheep

and oxen.

It

seems that

herds and lumbering waggons and supenluous beakers are to

count

for
:

more than brave men.
I love

My

friends,

I

am

doubly

wounded
which
I

Mazaea, and

I

cannot forget the humiliation

have suffered before so

many
?

witnesses,

and in which

you are both equally involved.
friendship, are

Ever since we were united in
are not our joys

we not one
?

flesh

and our

sorrows the same
this

If this

be
so,'

so,

each of us has

his share in
' ;

disgrace.'

'

Not only

rejoined Lonchates

each of
*

47 us labours under the whole ignominy of the what is to be our course ? ' asked Macentes.
the work,' replied the other.
present Arsacomas
'

affront.'
'

And

We
:

will divide

I

for

my

part undertake to

with the head of Leucanor
'

you must

bring
at

him
;

his bride.'

I

agree.

And

you, Arsacomas, can stay

home

and

as

we

are likely to

want an army before we have
you
will

done, you must be getting together horses and arms, and raise

what men you
tions
besides,

can.

A man
sit

like

have no diiiiculty in
all

getting plenty of people to join him, and there are
;

our

rela-

you can

on the ox-hide.'

This being

settled,

Lonchates

set olKjust as

he was for the Bosphorus, and Macentes

62
for

Toxaris :

A

Dialogfie of Friendship
;

Machlyene, each on horseback

while Arsacomas remained

behind, consulting with his acquaintance, raising forces from

among the

relations of the three, and, finally, taking his seat

on

the ox-hide.

Our custom
is

of the hide

is

as follows.

When

a

man
an

has b^en

i.8

injured by another, and desires vengeance, but feels that he

no

match
flesh

for

his

opponent,
it,

he

sacrifices

ox, cuts

up the
ground.

and cooks
this

and spreads out the hide upon the
arms are tied in that

On

hide he takes his seat, holding his hands

behind him,

so as to suggest that his

position, this being the natural attitude of a suppliant
us.

among

Meanwhile, the

flesh of

the ox has been laid out

;

and the

man's relations and any others

who
is

feel so disposed

come up
one
will

and take

a

portion thereof, and, setting their right foot on the
in their

hide, promise wliatever assistance

power

:

engage to furnish and maintain
a third
ability,

five

horsemen, another ten,

some

larger

number

;

while others, according to their

promise heavy or light-armed infantry, and the poorest,
give, offer their

who have nothing else to The number of persons
very considerable
;

own

personal services.
is

assembled on the hide

sometimes

nor could any troops be more reliable or

more
being

invincible than those
as

which

are collected in this

manner,

they are under

a

vow

;

for the act of stepping
this

on to
light

the hide constitutes an oath.

By

means, then, Arsacomas

raised sometliing like 5,000 cavalry

and 20,000 heavy and
in Bosphorus,

armed.

Meanwhile, Lonchates arrived unknown
presented himself co the king,
in affairs of state.
'

and 49

who was
'

occupied at the

moment

I

come,' he said,
also
a

on public business from
king bade
:

Scythia

:

but

I

have

private communication of high

import to make to your Majesty.'
'

The

him proceed.

As to

my

public errand,

it is

the old story

we

protest against

vour herdsmen's crossing the Rocks and encroaching on the

Toxaris :
plains.

A

Dialogue of Friendship
robbers of

63

plain, I

And with reference to tlie am instructed to say that

whom

you comis

our government

not re-

sponsible for their incursions, which are the work of private
individuals, actuated merely

by the love

of

booty

;

accordingly,

many of them as you can secure. 50 And now for my own news. You will shortly be invaded by a large host under Arsacomas the son of Mariantas, who was
you
are at liberty to punish as
lately at
his

your court
is

as

an ambassador.

I

suppose the cause of

resentment

your refusing him your daughter's hand.

He
'

has

now been on

the ox-hide for seven days, and has got together
'

a considerable force.'

I

had heard,' exclaimed Leucanor, that
:

an army was being raised on the hide

but who was raising
'

it,

and what was

its

destination, I
*

had no

idea.'

You know
of

now,'
:

said Lonchates.

Arsacomas
I

is

a personal

enemy

mine

the

superior esteem in which
for

am

held,

and the preference shown

promise

me by our elders, are things which he cannot forgive. Now me your other daughter Barcetis apart from my
:

present services,

I

shall

be no discreditable son-in-law
I will

:

pro-

mise

me

this,

and

in

no long time
'

return bringing you

the head of Arsacomas.'
perturbation
;

I

promise,' cried the king, in great

for

he realized the provocation he had given to
a

Arsacomas, and had
all

wholesome respect
'

for the Scythians at

times.

'

Swear,' insisted Lonchates,

that you will not go

back from your promise.'

The
!

king was already raising up his
'

hand

to Heaven,
'

when

the other interrupted him.
these people

Wait

'
!

he exclaimed

;

not here

must not know what

is

the subject of our oath.

Let us go into the temple of Ares

yonder, and swear with closed doors, where none

may

hear.

If

Arsacomas should get wind of
as a
'

this, I a

am

likely to

be offered up
already.'

preliminary sacrifice

;

he has

good number of men
;

To

the temple, then, let us go,' said the king

and he ordered

the guards to remain aloof, and forbade any one to approach

the temple unless

summoned by him.

As soon

as

they were

(5^4

Toxaris

:

A
it

Dialogue of Friendship
his

inside,

and the guards had withdrawn, Lonchates drew
left

sword, and putting his
his

hand on the

king's
;

mouth
under

to prevent

crying out, plunged

into his breast

then, cutting off his
it

head, he went out from the temple carrying
affecting
all

his cloak

;

the time to be speaking to the king, and promising
if

that he would not be long, as
errand.
left his

the king had sent him on some

He

thus succeeded in reaching the place where he had

horse tethered, leapt on to his back, and rode off into

Scythia.

There was no pursuit
to discover
as to

:

the people of Bosphorus took
;

some time

what had happened

and then they were

occupied with disputes
fulfilled

the succession.

Thus Lonchates 51

his

promise, and handed the head of Leucanor to

Arsacomas.

The news

of this reached

Macentes while he was on
first
'

his

way

to Machlyene, and on his arrival there he was the

to

announce

the king's death.
in-law,

'

You, Adyrmachus,' he added,

are his son-

and are now summoned to the throne.
all
is

Ride on in
unsettled.

advance, and establish your claim while

still

Your bride can follow with the waggons
support of the Bosphorans.
related to this lady
I

;

the presence of Leu-

canor's daughter will be of assistance to

you

in securing the

myself

am

an Alanian, and
:

am

by the mother's
I

side

Leucanor's wife,

Mastira, was of

my
:

family.

now come

to you from Mastira's

brothers in Alania

they would have you make the best of your

way

to Bosphorus at once, or you will find your crown on the
is

head of Eubiotus, Leucanor's bastard brother, who
to Scythia,
dress,

a friend

and detested by the Alanians.'
;

In language and

Macentes resembled an Alanian
is

for in these respects

no difference between Scythians and Alanians, except that the Alanians do not wear such long hair as we do. Macentes had completed the resemblance by cropping his
there
hair to the right shortness,
a

and was thus enabled to pass
'

for

kinsman of Mastira and Mazaea.

And now, Adyrmachus,'

52

:

To X arts:
he concluded,
if
'

A

Dialogue of Friendship
; *

6^
or,

I

am

ready to go with you to Bosphorus
escort your bride.'
'

you prefer

it,

I will

If

you

will

do the
but

latter,'

replied

Adyrmachus,

I

shall If

be particularly obliged,
us, it
is

since

you are Mazaea's kinsman.
;

you go with

one horseman more
escort for
off,

whereas no one could be such

a suitable

my

wife.'

And

so

it

was settled

:

Adyrmachus rode
Macentes.

and left Mazaea, who was

still

a maid, in the care of

During the day, Macentes accompanied Mazaea in the waggon
but at nightfall he placed her on horseback (he had taken care
that there should be a horseman in attendance), and, mounting

behind her, abandoned

his

former course along the Maeotian

Lake, and struck off into the interior, keeping the Mitraean

Mountains on
rest,

his right.

He

allowed Mazaea some time for

and completed the whole journey from Machlyene to
;

Scythia on the third day

his horse stood still for a
'

few moments
Behold,' said

53

after arrival,

and then dropped down dead.
'

Macentes, presenting Mazaea to Arsacomas,

behold your proa sight,

mised bride.'

Arsacomas, amazed at so unexpected
his gratitude
:

was

beginning to express
hold his peace.
I
*

but Macentes bade him
'

You

speak,'

he exclaimed,

as

if

you and
I

were different persons, when you thank
It
is

me

for

what
:

have

my left hand should say to my right Thank jrou for tending my wound thank you for your generous sympathy with my pain. That would be no more absurd than
done.
as if
;

for us
as

—who
a
its

have long been united, and have become

(so far

such

thing

may

be) one flesh
its

—to

make such ado because
;

one part of us has done
serving

duty by the whole

the limb

is

but

And
54.

that

own interest in promoting the welfare of the was how Macentes received his friend's thanks.
of the trick that
his

body.'

Adyrmachus, on hearing

had been played
;

upon him, did not pursue
thither from his
LLXIAN
III

journey to Bosphorus

indeed,

Eubiotus was already on the throne, having been

summoned

home

in Sarmatia.

He

therefore returned to

66
his

Toxaris:
own

A

Dialogue of Friendship
He
was presently followed by

country, collected a large army, and marched across

the mountains into Scythia.

Eubiotus himself, at the head of a miscellaneous army of Greets,
together with 20,000 each of his Alanian and Sarmatian
allies.

The two
(I

joined forces, and the result was an army of 90,000

men, one third of

whom were mounted bowmen.

We Scythians
and was
Scythians then,

say we, because I myself took part in this enterprise,

maintaining a hundred horse on the hide)

—we

numbering
As soon
our

in

all

not

much

less

than 30,000 men, including

cavalry, awaited their onset,
as

under the command of Arsacomas.

we saw them

approaching,

we

too advanced, sending

on our cavalry ahead.
lines

After a long and obstinate engagement,
;

were broken, and we began to give ground

and

finally

our whole army was cut clean in two.
a decisive defeat
;

One half had
a retreat

not suffered
flight,

with these

it

was rather

than a

nor did the Alanians venture to follow up their advantage for

any distance.

But the other and smaller

division

was com-

pletely surrounded

by the Alanians and Machlyans, and was
every side by the copious discharge of

being shot

down on
;

arrows and javelins
of our
latter

the position became intolerable, and most

men were

beginning to throw

down

their arms.

In this 55

division were Lonchates and Macentes.

the brunt of the attack,

They had borne and both were wounded Lonchates
:

had a spear-thrust

in his thigh,

and Macentes, besides

a cut

on

the head from an axe, had had his shoulder damaged by a pike.

Arsacomas, seeing their condition (he was with us in the other
division),
his friends

could not endure the thought of turning his back on
:

plunging the spurs into

his horse,

and

raising a shout,

he rode through the midst of the enemy, with

his scimetar raised

on high.
his onset
;

The Machlyans were
their ranks divided,
his friends

unable to withstand the fury of

and made way

for

him

to pass.

Having rescued
of the troops
;

from their danger, he

rallied the rest

and charging upon Adyrmachus brought down

Toxaris :
Adyrmachus once

A

Dialogue of Friendship
as far as

6y

the scimetar on his neck, and cleft him in two
slain,

the waist.

the whole of the Machlyans and Alan-

ians soon scattered,

and the Greeks followed their example.
;

Thus did we turn defeat into victory and had not night come to interrupt us, we should have pursued the fugitives for a considerable distance, slaying as we went. The next day came messengers from the enemy suing for reconciliation, the Bosphorans undertaking to double their tribute, and the Machlyans
to leave hostages
guilt
;

whilst the Alanians promised to expiate their

by reducing the Sindians to submission, that tribe having
us.

been for some time in revolt against

These terms we

accepted, at the instance of Arsacomas and Lonchates,

who

conducted the negotiations and concluded the peace.
Such, Mnesippus, are the deeds that Scythians will do for
friendship's sake.

56
a

Mne. Truly deeds
about them.

of high emprise; quite a legendary look

With Wind's and

Scimetar's good leave,

I

think

man might be excused for doubting their truth. Tox. Now, honestly, Mnesippus, does not that doubt
envy
?

look

a little like

However, doubt

if

you

will

:

that shall

not deter

me from

relating other Scythian exploits of the

same

kind which have happened within

my

experience.

Mne. Brevity, away with you.
and Machlyene,
till

friend,

is

all

I ask.

Your

story
go,

is

apt to run

Up
off
is

hill

and down dale you

through Scythia

again to Bosphorus, then back to Scythia,

my
off

taciturnity
I

exhausted.
Brevity you shall have
;

Tox.

am

schooled.

I will

not run

57 you

your ears

this time.

My
had

next story shall be of a service

rendered to myself, by
desire for

my
I

friend Sisinnes.
left

Induced by the

Greek culture,

my home

and was on
which comes

my
in

way

to Athens.

The

ship put in at Amastris,

the natural route from Scythia, being on the shore of the Euxine,

not far from Carambis.

Sisinnes,

who had been my

friend

F 2

58

Toxaris:

A

Dialogue of Friendship
this voyage.

from childhood, bore
transferred
all

me company on

We

had

our belongings from the ship to an inn near the

harbour

;

and whilst we were busy in the market, suspecting
not leaving us even enough to go

nothing wrong, some thieves had forced the door of our room

and carried

off everything,

on with
redress

for that day.

Well,

when we got back and found what
it

had happened, we thought
too

was no use trying to get
;

legal

from our landlord, or from the neighbours
of

there were

many

them

;

and

if

we

had, told

our story,

—how we had

been robbed of four hundred darics and our clothes and rugs

and everything, most people would only have thought we were

making
For

a fuss

about

a trifle.

So we had to think what was to ^8
a foreign

be done: here we were, absolutely destitute, in

country.

my

part, I

thought

I

might

as

well put a sword through
it,

my

ribs there

and then, and have done with

rather than endure
us

the humiliation that might be forced
thirst.

upon

by hunger and

Sisinnes took a

more cheerful view, and implored me
' :

to do nothing of the kind
said,
'

I

shall think of something,'

he

and we may do well

yet.'

For the moment, he made

enough to get us some food by carrying up timber from the
harbour.

The

next morning, he took a walk in the market,
a

where

it

seems he saw

company

of fine likely

young

fellows,

who

as it

turned out were hired
after.
'

as gladiators,
all

and were to per-

form two days

He

found out

came back
of you.'

to me.
!

Toxaris,' he exclaimed,
I will

about them, and then 59 consider your
'

poverty at an end

In two days' time,

make

a rich

man

We

got through those two days somehow, and then
in

came the show,
Sisinnes bidding

which we took our places
prepare myself for
all

as spectators,

me

the novel delights

of a

Greek amphitheatre.
a

The

first
:

thing

we saw on

sitting

down was
assailed

number
upon

of wild beasts

some

of

them were being
hand and
foot,

by

javelins, others

hunted by dogs, and others again

were

let loose

certain

men who were

tied

Toxarts:
and

A

Dialogue of Friendship
The The

6()

whom we
fellow,

supposed to be criminals.

gladiators next

made
young

their appearance.

herald led forward a strapping

and announced that any one who was prepared

to stand

up

against

him might

step into the arena
Sisinnes rose

and take
his

his

reward, which would be l,\oo.

from

seat,

jumped down into the ring, expressed his willingness to fight, and demanded arms. He received the money, and brought it
to me.
'

If I win,'

he
:

said,

*

we
you

will
will

go

off together,

and are

amply provided
Scythia.'
I

for

if I fall,

bury

me and
;

return to

was

much moved.
them on
with the exfor

60

He now He was
drawing
with

received his arms, and put

ception, however, of the helmet,

he fought bareheaded. curved sword

the
a

first

to be

wounded,

his adversary's

stream of blood from

his groin. his

I

was half dead
:

fear.

However, Sisinnes was biding

time

the other

now

assailed

him with more

confidence, and Sisinnes

made

a

lunge at his breast, and drove the sword clean through, so that
his adversary fell lifeless at his feet.

He

himself, exhausted
life

by

the

loss of

blood, sank
;

down upon

the corpse, and

almost

deserted

him
I

but

I

ran to his assistance, raised

him

up, and

spoke words of comfort.
to depart
;

The

victory was won, and he was free

therefore picked

him up and
:

carried

him home.
is

My

efforts

were

at last successful

he

rallied,
sister.

and

living in

Scythia to this day, having married

my
:

He

is still

lame,

however, from his wound.

Observe
;

this
is

did not take place in

Machlyene, nor yet

in Alania

there
;

no lack of witnesses to
here in

the truth of the story this time

many an Amastrian
I

Athens would remember the
61

fight of Sisinnes.

One more
of

story, that of

Abauchas, and

have done. Abauchas
his wife,

once arrived in the capital of the Borysthenians, with

whom
still

he was extremely fond, and two children
at the breast, the
his friend

;

one, a boy,

was
also

other was a

girl of seven.
still

With him
from the

was

Gyndanes, who was

suffering

7

Toxaris

:

A

Dialogue of Friendship
received

effects of a

wound he had

on the journey
and was

:

they had
resisting

been attacked by some robbers, and Gyndanes in

them had been stabbed
in the

in the thigh,

still

unable to
all

stand on account of the pain.

One

night they were
fire

asleep
;

upper

story,

when

a

tremendous
in flames,

broke out

the
exit

whole building was wrapped
blocked.

and every means of
his

Abauchas started up, and leaving
off

sobbing children,

and shaking

his

wife,

who

clung to him

and implored

him to save her, he caught up his friend in his arms, and just managed to force his way down without being utterly consumed by the flames. His wife followed, carrying the boy, and bade the girl come after her but, scorched almost to a cinder,
;

she was compelled to drop the child from her arms, and barely

succeeded in leaping through the flames
only just escaped with her
life.

;

the

little

girl

too
re-

Abauchas was afterwards
his

proached with having abandoned
rescue Gyndanes.
said
'

own

wife and children to

I

can beget other children easily enough,'

he

* :

nor was

it

certain
I

how

these

would turn out
as

:

but
;

it

would be long before
his affection I

got such another friend
satisfied

Gyndanes

of

have been abundantly

by

experience.'

There, Mnesippus, you have
thing
is

my

little selection.

The
is

next 62

to settle

whether

my hand
;

or your tongue

to be

amputated.

Who is umpire ? Mne. Umpire we have none
:

we

forgot that.

I

tell

you

what

we have wasted our arrows
will appoint
;

this time,

but some other

day we
to his
shall

an arbitrator, and submit other friendships

judgement

and then
as

off shall

come your hand,
be.

or out

come my tongue,
is

the case

may

Perhaps, though,

this

rather a primitive

way

of doing things.

As you seem
it

to

think a great deal of friendship, and as I consider
highest blessing of humanity,

to be the

what

is
?

there to prevent our vow-

ing eternal friendship on the spot
satisfaction of

We

shall

both have the

winning then, and

shall get a substantial prize

Toxaris:
into the bargain
:

A
two

Dialogue of Friendship
right hands each instead of one,
;

71
two

tongues, four eyes, four feet

— everything

in duplicate.

The
in

union of two friends
the pictures
:

—or

three, let us say

is

like
;

Geryon

a six-handed,

three-headed individual

my private

opinion
all

is,

that there was not one Geryon, but three Geryons,

acting in concert, as friends should.

03

Tox.

Done with

you, then.

Mne. And, Toxaris,
scimetar ceremony.
larity of

our aims,

we will dispense with the blood-andOur present conversation, and the simiare a much better security than that
Friendship, as
I

sanguinary cup of yours.
voluntary, not compulsory.

take

it,

should be

I0X. Well

said.

From

this

day,

I

am

your friend, you
if

mine

;

I

your guest here in Greece, you mine

ever you

come

to Scythia.

Mne. Scythia
be.

!

I

would go further than Scythia, to meet
narratives have

with such friends

as Toxaris's

shown him
F.

to

ZEUS CROSS-EXAMINED
Cyniscus.

Zeus

Cyn. Zeus

:

I

am

not going to trouble you with requests for
;

a fortune or a throne

you get prayers enough of that

sort

from other people, and from your habit of convenient deafness
I

gather that you experience a difficulty in answering them.
is

But there

one thing

I

should

like,

which would cost you no
not be disappointed,

trouble to grant.
Zeus. Well, Cyniscus
?

You

shall

if

your expectations are
Cyn.
Zeus.
will.
I

as

reasonable as you say.

want
a

to ask you a plain question.

Such

modest petition

is

soon granted

;

ask

what you

;

72

^.^^-^
:

Cross-examined

Cyn. Well then
course
Fates
?

you know your Homer and Hesiod, of
sing

Is it all

true that they

of

Destiny and
at his

the

— that
From

whatever they spin for a
?

man

birth

must

inevitably

come about

Zeus. Unquestionably.
trol.

Nothing

is

independent of their conall

their spindle hangs the life of

created things
of their

whose end
birth
;

is

predetermined even from the

moment

and that law knows no change.

Cyn.

Then when Homer

says, for instance, in

another place, z

Lest unto Hell thou go, outstripping Fatty

he

is

talking nonsense, of course

?

Zeus. Absolute nonsense.

Such

a

thing
is

is

impossible
all.

:

the
;

law of the Fates, the thread of Destiny,
long
as

over

No

so

the poets are under the inspiration of the Muses, they
:

speak truth

but once

let those

Goddesses leave them to their

own devices, and they make blunders and contradict themselves. Nor can we blame them they are but men how should they know truth, when the divinity whose mouthpieces they were
:

;

is

departed from them Cyn. That point
is

?

settled, then.

But there

is

another thing

I

want to know.
Zeus. Quite so.

There
i

are three Fates, are there not,

—Clotho,

Lachesis,

and Atropus

Cyn. But one
Fortune.
Is It

also

Who are they,

hears a great deal about Destiny and 3 and what is the extent of their power ?
?

equal to that ot the Fates

or greater perhaps

?

People

are always talking about the insuperable

might of Fortune and

Destiny.
Zeus. It
is

not proper, Cyniscus, that you should know
?

all

But what made you ask me about the Fates Cyn. Ah, you must tell me one thing more
also control

first.

Do the

Fates 4
i

you Gods

i

Do

you depend from their thread

Z^us Cross-examined
Zeus.

73

We
I

do.

Why

do you smile
in council,

?

Cyn.

was thinking of that

bit in

Homer, where he makes
all

you address the Gods

and threaten to suspend
said,

the world from a golden cord.

You

you know, that you

would let the cord down from Heaven, and all the Gods together, if they liked, might take hold of it and try to pull you down,
and they would never do
it,

it

:

whereas you,

if

you had a mind to

could easily pull them up,

And Earth and

Sea withal.
;

I listened to that passage with shuddering reverence

I

was

much
I

impressed with the idea of your strength.

Yet now
all

understand that you and your cord and your threats
a

depend

from

mere cobweb.
:

It

seems to

me

Clotho should be the

one to boast
at the

she has you dangling from her distaff, like a sprat
a fishing-line.

end of

5

Xeus. I do not catch the drift of your questions.

Cyn. Come,

I

will

speak

Destiny and the Fates take not
stands thus,
if

my mind and in the name of my candour amiss. If the case
;

the Fates are mistresses of

all,

and

their decisions

unalterable, then

why do men

sacrifice to you,
?

and bring hecaour prayers can

tombs, and pray for good at your hands

If

neither save us from evil nor procure us any boon from Heaven,
I fail

to see

what we get

for our trouble.
!

6

Xeus.

These are nice questions
;

I see
!

been with the sophists
concern in
raise,

accursed race

how it is, you have who would deny us all

human

affairs.

Yes, these are just the points they

impiously seeking to pervert mankind from the way of

sacrifice

and prayer

:

it is all

thrown away, forsooth
;

!

the

Gods

take no thought for
earth.

mankind

they have no power on the
it

—Ah well
all

j

they will be sorry for
Clotho's

some day.

Cyn.

Now, by

own

spindle,

my

questions are free
I

from

sophistic taint.

How

it

has

come about,

know not

;


74
there
a

; :

Z^us Cross-examined
it is
is

but one word has brought up another, and the end of

no use in

sacrifice.
;

Let us begin again.

I will

put you

few more questions

answer

me

frankly,

but think before you

speak, this time.

Zeus. Well;
foolery.

if

you have the time to waste on such tom-

Cyn. Everything proceeds from the Fates, you say
7.eus.

?

7
?

Yes.

Cyn.

And is
is

it

in

your power to unspin what they have spun

Zeus. It

not.
I

Cyn. Shall
Zeus.

proceed, or

is

the inference clear

?

Oh,

clear

enough.

But you seem to think that people
;

sacrifice to us

from

ulterior motives

that they are driving a

bargain

vvrith us,

buying blessings,

as it

were

:

not at

all

;

it is

a disinterested

testimony to our superior merit.
are, then.

Cyn. There you
useful purpose
;

As you
you,

say, sacrifice

answers no

it is

just our

good-natured way of acknowledgif

ing your superiority.

And mind
all
;

we had

a sophist here,

he would want to know
our fellow
slaves,

about that superiority.
if

You

are

he would say

the Fates are our mistresses,
will

they are also yours.
that

Your immortality

not serve you
after
all,

;

only makes things worse.

We

mortals,
is

are
evil

liberated

by death
But
is

:

but for you there

no end to the

that long thread of yours means eternal servitude.
Zeus.
this eternity
is

an eternity of happiness

;

the

life

8

of

Gods

one round of
all

blessings.
lives.

Cyn. Not

Gods'

Even

in

tinctions, not to say

mismanagement.

Heaven there are disTou are happy, of course
sea as it
:

you are

king,

and you can haul up earth and

were a
;

bucket from the well.
a

But look

at

Hephaestus
:

a

cripple

common

blacksmitli.

Look
I

at

Prometheus

ke gets nailed

up on Caucasus.

And

need not remind you that your
It seems,

own
too,

father lies fettered in Tartarus at this hour.

Z^us Cross-examined
that

7

y
;

Gods

are liable to

fall

in love

;

and to receive wounds

nay, they

may even have
I see

to take service with mortal

men

;

witness your brother Posidon, and Apollo, servants to

Laomedon
;

and to Admetus.

no great happiness

in

all this

some

of

you
I

I

dare say have a very pleasant time of

it,

but not so others.
like

might have added, that you are subject to robbery
;

the

rest of us

your temples get plundered, and the richest of you

becomes

a

pauper in the twinkling of an eye.
it

To more
down,
if

than

one of you
a

has even

happened

to be melted

he was

gold or a silver God.
Zeus.

All destiny, of course.
:

9

Take

care,

Cyniscus

you

are going too far.

You

will

repent of this one day.

Cyn. Spare your threats
to me, except

:

you know that nothing can happen
settled
first.

what Fate has
slip

I

notice, for instance,
;

that even temple-robbers do not always get punished

most of

them, indeed,
caught,
I

through your hands.

Not

destined to be

suppose.

Zeus. I

knew

it

!

you are one of those who would abolish

Providence.

Cyn.

You seem
it
;

10 for some reason.
I

to be very much afraid of these gentlemen, Not one word can I say, but you must think

picked

up from them.

Oblige

me by
?

answering another

question
is

I

could desire no better authority than yours.
?
?

What

this

Providence

Is

she a Fate too

or

some

greater, a

mistress of the Fates

Zeus. I have already told
is

you that there are things which

it

not proper for you to know.

You

said

you were only going to
go on quibbling

ask

me one

question, instead of which you
I see

without end.

what

it is

you are

at

:

you want to make
affairs.

out that we Gods take no thought for
Cyn. It
is

human
it

nothing to do with

me

:

was you who

said just

now

that the Fates ordained everything.
it i

better of

Are you going to retract

Have you thought what you said i Are

;

1

76

Z^/'^ Cross-examined
for govern-

the Gods going to push Destiny aside and make a bid ment ? TLeus. Not at all but the Fates work through us.
;

1

Cyn.

I

see

:

you are their
:

servants, their underlings.
it is still

But
;

that comes to the same thing

they

who

design

you

are only their tools, their instruments.

Zeus.

How
I

do you make that out
it
is

?

Cyn.

suppose

pretty
:

much
the

the same

as

with

a car-

penter's adze and drill

they do
as

assist

him

in his work,
;

but
say

no one would describe them by such and such and you are their

workmen

we do not

that a ship has been turned out by such and such an adze, or
a drill
;

we name
;

the shipwright.

In the

same way. Destiny and the Fates are the universal shipwrights,
drills

and adzes

and

it

seems to

me

that

instead of paying their respects and their sacrifices to you,

men ought

to sacrifice to Destiny, and implore her favours
case,

though even that would not meet the
that things are settled once and for

because

I

take

it

all,

and that the Fates
If

themselves are not at liberty to chop and change.

some

one gave the spindle
all

a

turn in the wrong direction, and undid

Clotho's work, Atropus would have something to say on the

subject.

You would deprive even the Fates of honour ? Zeus. So You seem determined to reduce all to one level. Well, we Gods have at least one claim on you we do prophesy and fore!

12

:

tell

what the Fates have

disposed.
is

Cyn.

Now

even granting that you do, what

the use of
possi-

knowing what one has to expect, when one can by no
bility take
a

any precautions

?

Are you going to

tell

me

that

man who finds out that he is to die by a steel point can escape the doom by shutting himself up ? Not he. Fate will take
will

him out hunting, and there

be

his steel

:

Adrastus will

hurl his spear at the boar, miss the brute, and get Croesus's

;

Z^us Cross-examined
13 son
;

77
full

Fate's inflexible law directs his aim.
is

The

absurdity

of the thing

seen in the case of LaVus

:

Seek not for offspring in the Gods' despite

Beget

a child,

and thou begett'st thy

slayer.

Was not this advice superfluous, seeing that the end must come ? Accordingly we find that the oracle does not deter
LaVus from begetting a son, nor that son from being his slayer.

On

the whole,

I

cannot see that your prophecies entitle you to

^4 reward, even setting aside the obscurity of the oracits, which
are generally contrived to cut both ways.

mention, for instance, whether Croesus

You omitted
It

to
'

'

the Halys crossed

—should
be
that
trial

destroy his

own

or Cyrus's

'

mighty realm.'

might

either, so far as the oracle goes.

Zeus. Apollo was angry with Croesus.

When

Croesus boiled

lamb and
of Apollo.

tortoise together in the cauldron,

he was making

Cyn. Gods ought not to be angry.

After

all,

I

suppose
;

it

was fated that the Lydian should misinterpret that oracle

his

case only serves to illustrate that general ignorance of the future,

which Destiny has appointed

for

mankind.

At

that rate, your

prophetic power too seems to be in her hands.
15

Zeus.

You

leave us nothing, then

?

We
sit

exercise no control,
drills

we

are not entitled to sacrifice,
:

But you may well despise me
this,

we are why do I

very

and adzes.
all

here listening to
?

with

my

thunder-bolt beneath
if

Cyn. Nay, smite,

the

my arm thunder-bolt is my
;

destiny.

I shall

think none the worse of you

I shall

doing

;

I will

not even blame the bolt

know it is all Clotho's that wounds me. And
is

by the way

— talking of thunder-bolts — there
;

one thing
for her.

I will

16 ask you and Destiny to explain
is

you can answer

Why

it

that you leave

all

the pirates and temple-robbers and
shafts (as

ruffians

and perjurers to themselves, and direct your

8

78

K^^^^ Cross-examined
a stone or a
?
.

you are always doing) against an oak-tree or
answer

harmless
.

mast, or even an honest, God-fearing traveller
?

.

No
me
to

Is this

one of the things

it is

not proper for

know

?

Tjeus. It is, Cyniscus. You are a meddlesome know where you picked up all these ideps.

fellow

;

I

don't

Cyn. Well,

I

suppose

I

must not

ask

you

all

(Providence and

Destiny and you)

why

honest Phocion died in utter poverty and

destitution, like Aristides before him, while those

two unwhipped

puppies, Callias and Alcibiades, and the ruffian Midias, and that

Aeginetan libertine Charops,
death, were
all

handed over to
effeminate

who starved his own mother to money ? nor again why Socrates was the Eleven instead of Meletus ? nor yet why the
rolling in
a

Sardanapalus was

king,

and one high-minded
counten-

Persian after another

went to the

cross for refusing to

ance his doings
villains

?

I say

nothing of our

own

days, in

which 17

and money-grubbers prosper, and honest men are
call their souls their

oppressed with want and sickness and a thousand distresses,

and can hardly
Xeus. Surely

own.
be the lot of the

you know, Cyniscus, what punishments await the
and how happy
will

evil-doers after death,

righteous

?
:

Cyn. Ah, to be sure
there
is

Hades

—Tityus —^Tantalus.
I shall I

Whether
myself

such a place

as

Hades,

be able to

satisfy

when
here,

I die.

In the meantime,

had rather

live a pleasant life

and have

a score or so of vultures at

my

liver

when

I

am

dead, than thirst like Tantalus in this world, on the chance of

drinking with the heroes in the
in the fields of Elysium.
TjBUS.

Isles of

the Blest, and reclining

What

!

you doubt that there
?

are

punishments and

1

rewards to come

You doubt
arraigned
?

of that judgement-seat before

which every soul
CynI

is

have heard mention of a judge in that connexion

;

2!^us Cross-examined
one Minos, he
is

79
:

a

Cretan.
?

Ah,

yes, tell

me

about him

they say

your son

Zeus.

And what

of

him

?

Cyn,
2,eu5.

Whom does he punish in Whom but the wicked 1
And whom does Good men and

particular

?

Murderers, for instance, and

temple-robbers.

Cyn.
TjCus.
lives.

he send to dwell with the heroes
God-fearing,

?

who have

led virtuous

Cyn.
TjCus.

Why

?

Because they deserve punishment and reward respec-

tively.

Cyn. Suppose

a

man commits
r

a crime accidentally

:

does he

punish him just the same
Xeus. Certainly not.

Cyn. Similarly,
action,
2,eu5.

if

a

man

involuntarily performed
?

a

good

he would not reward him

No.

Cyn.
TjCUS.

Then

there
so
?

is

no one

for

him

to reward or punish.

How

Cyn.

Why, we men do nothing
irresistible impulse,

of our
is,

own
if

free will
is

:

we

are

obeying an

— that

there

any truth in

what we
thing.

settled just

now, about Fate's being the cause of every-

Does

a
a

Does he rob
there
is

man commit a murder ? Fate is the murderess. temple ? He has her instructions for it. So if

going to be any justice in Minos's sentences, he will
;

punish Destiny, not Sisyphus
did these

19

Fate, not Tantalus. What harm men do ? They only obeyed orders. TjCus. I am not going to speak to you any more. You are an unscrupulous man a sophist. I shall go away and leave you
;

to yourself.

Cyn.

I

wanted to

ask

you where the Fates
all

lived

;

and how

they managed to attend to

the details of such a vast mass of

;

;

;

8o
must have

Z^us Cross-examined
I

business, just those three. a

do not envy them

their lot

;

they

busy time of
is

it,

with so

much on

their hands.
people's.
;

Their
w^ould

destiny, apparently,

no better than other
if I

I

not exchange with them,
poorer than
every thread.
I

had the choice

I

had rather be

am, than

sit

before such a spindleful, watching
if

— But never mind,
replies
;

you would rather not answer.

Your previous

have quite cleared up

my

doubts about

Destiny and Providence
destined to hear
it.

and

for the rest, I expect I

was not
F,

ZEUS TRAGOEDUS
Hermes.

Hera.

Colossus.

Heracles.

Athene.
Apollo.
?

Posidon.

Momus.

Hermagoras.

Zeus.

Aphrodite.

Timocles.

Damis

Herm.

Wherefore thus brooding, Zeus

wherefore apart,
?

And
Let

palely pacing, as Earth's sages use

me

thy counsel know, thy cares partake

And
Ath.
I

find thy comfort in a faithful fool.
all

Cronides, lord of lords, and
clasp thy knees
;

our

sire,
I

grant thou what

require
:

A

boon the lightning-eyed Tritonia

asks

Speak, rend the veil thy secret thought that masks

Reveal what care thy mind within thee gnaws,
Blanches thy cheek, and this deep moaning draws.
7.eus.

Speech hath no utterance of surpassing

fear.

Tragedy holds no misery or woe,
But our
Ath.
Zeus.
Alas,

divinest essence soon shall taste.
dire a prelude to thy tale
!

how

O

brood

maleficent,
!

teemed

from

Earth's

dark

womb
And
woe
!

thou, Prometheus,

how

hast thou

wrought me


Z^ns Tragoedus
Ath.
Xeus.
Possess us
;

8
familiars
?

i

are not

we

thine

own

With

a

whirr and a crash

Let the levin-bolt dash
Ah, whither
Hera.
?

A

truce to your passion, Zeus.
gift for farce or recitation
;

We

have not these

good people's

we have not swallowed

2 Euripides whole, and cannot play up to you.

Do

you suppose

we do not know how to account for your annoyance ? Zeus. Thou knowst not else thy wailings had been
;

[loud.

Hera. Don't

tell

me

;

it's

a love affair

;

that's what's the
'

matter with you.

However, you won't have any

wailings

'

from

me

;

I

am

too

much hardened
;

to neglect.

I

suppose you

have discovered some new Danae or Semele or Europa whose

charms are troubling you
into your beloved's

and

so

you are meditating
a

a trans-

formation into a bull or satyr, or

descent through the roof
;

bosom
else.

as a

shower of gold

all

the symp-

toms

—your groans
Happy
Is
!

and your

tears

and your white face

—point
forbid

to love

and nothing

Zeus.

ignorance, that sees not what perils

now

love and such toys

Hera.

your name Zeus, or not

?

and,

if so,

what

else

can

possibly annoy
3

you but love
call it,

?

Zeus. Hera, our condition

is

most precarious
still

;

it

is

touch-

and-go, as they

whether we are

to enjoy reverence

and honour from the
of no account.

earth, or be utterly neglected

and become

Hera. Has Earth produced a

new brood
?

of giants

?

Have

the Titans broken their chains, overpowered their guards, and
taken up arms against us once more
Zeus.

Nay,

fear

not

that

;

Hell

threatens

not

the

[Gods.
Hera.
LL'CIAM

What
111

can the matter be, then

f

To

hear you, one

O

;

8

2
it

^}^^ Tragoedus
was Polus or Aristodemus, not Zeus
is
;

might think
pray,
if

and why,

something of that sort

not bothering you

?

Xeus.

My dear,

a discussion

somehow

arose yesterday
;

between 4

Timodes

the Stoic and Damis the Epicurean

there was a

numerous and respectable audience (which particularly annoyed
me), and they had an argument on the subject of Providence.

Damis questioned the
their interest in

existence of the Gods, and utterly denied

or

government of

events,
cause.

while Timocles,

good man, did

his best to
;

champion our

A

great crowd

gathered round

but no conclusion was reached.

They broke

up with an understanding that the inquiry should be completed another day ; and now they are all agog to see which will win
and prove
his case.

You
:

all

see

how

parlous and precarious

is

our position, depending on a single mortal.
alternatives for us
(if

These

are the

to be dismissed as

mere empty names, or
your ranting was not

Timocles prevails) to enjoy our customary honours.
Hera. This
is

really a serious

matter

;

5

so uncalled-for, Zeus.

Zeus.

You

fancied

me

thinking of some

and

this
is

was the dread
?

reality.

Danae or Antiope Now, Hermes, Hera, Athene,
to our plans.

what

our course

We await your contribution
is

Herm.
Hera.

My opinion
And
I I

that an assembly be

summoned and

the

community taken
Ath. Sire,

into counsel.

concur.
dissent entirely
let
;

you should not

fill

Heaven

with apprehensions, nor

your

own

uneasiness be visible, but

take private measures to assure Timocles's victory

and Damis's

being laughed out of court.

Herm.
is

It

cannot be kept quiet, Zeus
will

;

the philosophers' debate
if

public,

and you

be accused of despotic methods,

you

maintain reserve on a matter of so great and general interest.
Zeus.

Make proclamation and summon

all,

then.

I

approve 6

your judgement.

;

^us
Herm. Here, assemble,
you are
;

Tragvedus
;

8 3

all ye Gods don't waste time, come we are going to have an important meeting. Zeus. What, Hermes ? so bald, so plain, so prosy an announcement on this momentous occasion ? Herm. Why, how would you like it done ? 7,eus. Some metre, a little poetic sonority, would make the

along, here

style impressive,

and they would be more
is

likely to

come.

Herm. Ah, Zeus, that
I

work
I

for epic poets or reciters,

and

am no good

at poetry,

should be sure to put in too
;

many

feet, or leave

out some, and spoil the thing rude verses.

they would only
himself

laugh at

my

Why,
;

I've

known Apollo

laughed at for some of

his oracles

and prophecy has the advan-

tage of obscurity, which gives the hearers something better to

do than scanning

verses.

Zeus. Well, well, Hermes,

you can make
;

lines

from Homer
us in his

the chief ingredient of your composition

summon

words

;

you remember them, of course.
I

Herm.
however,

cannot say they are exactly on the tip of

my

tongue

I'll

do

my
a

best:

Let ne'er

God
;

(tum, tum), nor eke a Goddess,

Nor yet of Ocean's rivers one be wanting. Nor nymphs but gather to great Zeus's council

;

And
Or
7
Zeus.
see,

all

that feast on glorious hecatombs,

Yea, middle and lower classes of Divinity,
nameless ones that snuff fat altar-fumes.

Good, Hermes

;

that
;

is

an excellent proclamation
receive

:

here they

come

pell-mell

now

and place them

in
;

correct precedence, according to their material or workmanship

gold in the front row, silver next, then the ivory ones, then those
of stone or bronze.

A cross-division
common

will give

precedence to the
artists

creations of Phidias, Alcamenes,
of that calibre, while the

Myron, Euphranor, and
inartistic jobs

can be huddled

84
the rank and
file

Z^^^ 'Tragoedus
of our assembly.
;

together in the far corner, hold their tongues, and just make up

Herm.
here
is

AH

right
:

they

shall

have their proper places.
is

But

a point

suppose one of them

gold,

and heavy

at that,

but not
in fact

finely finished, quite amateurish
is

and

iU proportioned,

he to take precedence of Myron's and
?

Polyclitus's

bronze, or Phidias's and Alcamenes's marble
ship to

or

is

workman-

count most

?

Zeus. It should

by

rights.

Never mind, put the gold

first.
is

Herm.
test,

I see;

propertyqualification, comparative vi^ealth,

the

not merit.
will

— Gold to the front row, please. —Zeus, the front 8
I
:

row

be exclusively barbarian,
of

observe.

You
all

see

the

peculiarity

the

Greek contingent

they have grace and

beauty and

artistic

workmanship, but they are
costly of

marble or
an

bronze

— the

most

them only

ivory with just
;

occasional

gleam of gold, the merest surface-plating

and

even those are

wood

inside,

harbouring whole colonies of mice.

Whereas
precious.
Pos.

Bendis here,

Anubis there, Attis next door, and
all

Mithras and Men, are

of solid gold, heavy

and

intrinsically

Hermes,
sit

is

it

in order that this

dog-faced Egyptian 9

person should

in front of

me, Posidon

?

Herm. Certainly. You
Dog-face
a

see.

Earth-shaker, the Corinthians had
;

no gold at the time, so Lysippus made you of paltry bronze
is

whole gold-mine richer than you.

You must

put up with being moved back, and not object to the owner
of such a golden snout being preferred.

Aph. Then, Hermes, find
golden.

me
if I

a place in

the front row

;

I

am

10

Herm. Not
blind, or

so.

Aphrodite,

can trust
;

my

eyes

;

I

am

pur-

you are white marble

you were quarried,

I take it,

from Pentelicus, turned by Praxiteles's fancy into Aphrodite,

and handed over to the Cnidians.


Zeus Tra^Toedus
Aph. Wait
;

%s

my
'

witness

is

unexceptionable

— Homer.
his

'

The

Golden Aphrodite
Herm. Oh,
gold
'
;

he

calls

me, up and down
;

poems.
*

yes,

no doubt
will

he called Apollo rich,

rolling in in

but now where
;

you

find Apollo

?

Somewhere
off

the third-class seats

his

crown has been taken
see.

and

his

harp

pegs stolen by the pirates, you

So you may think yourself

lucky with a place above the fourth.
11
Col.

Well,

who
at

will dare dispute

my

claim

?

Am

I

not the

Sun

?

and look

my

height.

If the

Rhodians had not decided

on such grandiose dimensions
have furnished forth
a

for

me, the same outlay would
;

round dozen of your golden Gods

I

ought
there

to be valued proportionally.
is

And
Here

then, besides the

size,

the workmanship and careful finish.
shall I do,

Herm. What
too

Zeus

?

is

a difficulty again

much

for

me.

Going by

material,

he

is

bronze

;

but,

reckoning the talents his bronze cost, he would be above the
first class.

Z,eus.

What
all

business has he here dwarfing the rest
?

and blockyou may

ing

up

the bench

—Why,
;

my

excellent Rhodian,
as
?

be

as superior to

the golden ones
in the front
sit

you

will

;

but how can

you possibly go

row

Every one would have

to get up, to let you
fill

half that broad
ask

beam

of yours

would

the whole House.
;

I

must

you to

assist

our deliberations

standing
12

you can bend down your head to the meeting.

Herm.

Now

here

is

another problem.

Both bronze, equal

aesthetically, being
all,

both from Lysippus's studio, and, to crown

nothing to choose between them for birth

— two

sons of
first f

yours, Zeus

—Dionysus

and Heracles.

mean to their order. the debate should have Zeus. We are wasting time, Hermes been in full swing by now. Tell them to sit anyhow, according to taste we will have an ad hoc meeting another day, and then I shall know how to settle the question of precedence.

You can

see for yourself, they

Which is stand upon

to be

;

;


'

8 (J

Z^us

T^rag^oedus

Herm.
listen
'


'

'

My goodness, what a noise! what low vulgar bawling! 13 Hurry up with that carving Do pass the nectar
!

'

'

!

Why
?

no more ambrosia
'

?

'

'

When
!

are those hecatombs
'

com-

ing

Here, shares in that victim

Zeus. Call

them

to order,

Hermes

;

this

nonsense must cease,

before

I

can give them the order of the day.
all

Herm. They do not
tongues, to

know Greek; and
Perhaps
I

I

haven't the gift of
Persians

make myself understood by Scythians and
Celts.

and Thracians and

had better hold up

my

hand and
Zeus.

signal for silence.

Do.
;

Herm. Good
of elocution.
all

they are
is

as quiet as

if

they were so
;

many teachers
see,

14

Now

the time for your speech

they are

hanging on your
Zeus.

lips.

Why— there is something wrong with me—Hermes, my
be frank with you.
always was
;

boy

I will
I

You know how
?

confident and

impressive

as a

public speaker

Herm.
and

I

know
let

I

used to be in such a fright

;

you threatened
earth

sometimes to
sea

down your golden cord and heave up
Gods
it

from

their foundations,

included.
this terrible crisis
is

Zeus.
it

But to-day,

my

child

may be

may be
shiver,

the size of the audience

—there
is

a vast

number
all

of

Gods
I

here, isn't there

— anyhow,
tied.

my

thoughts are

mixed,
all,

my
it

tongue seems
is

What

most absurd of
head;

my

exordium

gone clean out of
to

my
a

and

I

had

prepared
the start.

on purpose

produce

good impression at

Herm. You have spoiled everything, Zeus. They cannot make
out your silence
disaster, to
;

they are expecting to hear of some terrible

account for your delay.
f

What do you think Herm. Which one ?
Zeus.

Reel off the exordium in

Homer

?

Zeus.

Lend me your

ears,

Gods

all

and Goddesses.

>^/// Trarrpedus
Herm. Rubbish
self in
if
!

87

you made quite exhibition enough of yourHowever, you might,

that vein in our cabinet council.
like,

you

drop your metrical fustian, and adapt any one of
a

Demosthenes's Philippics with
fashionable

few

alterations.

That

is

the

method with
is

speakers nowadays,

Zeus. Ah, that

a royal road to eloquence in difficulties.

simplifies matters

very
15

much

for a

man

Herm.
Zeus.

Go ahead, then. Men of—Heaven,
if

I

presume that you would be willing
in the

to pay a great price,

you could know what

world has
is

occasioned the present summons.

Which being

so, it

fitting

that you should give a ready hearing to

my

words.

Now,
it

whereas the present
lift

crisis,

Heavenians,

may

almost be said to

up
I

a voice

and bid us take vigorous hold on opportunity,

seems to

me

that

we

are letting it slip

from our nerveless grasp.
to exhibit clearly

And

wish

now
all

(I can't

remember any more)

to you the apprehensions which have led to

my summoning

you.

As you

are

aware, Mnesitheus the ship's-captain yesterday

made

his votive offering for the

narrow escape of

his vessel off

Caphereus, and those of us

whom

he had invited attended the
walked up to town for
as I

banquet in Piraeus.
ways.
I myself, as it

After the libations you went your several

was not very

late,

an afternoon

stroll in

Ceramicus, reflecting

went on the

parsimony of Mnesitheus.
the
cliff,

When

the ship was driving against

and already inside the
:

circle of reef,

he had vowed

whole hecatombs
to entertain,

what he

offered in fact, wdth sixteen

Gods

was a single cock
half a

— an

old

bird afflicted with
;

catarrh
all

— and

dozen grains of frankincense
fizzled

these were

mildewed, so that they at once

out on the embers,

16 hardly giving enough smoke to

tickle the olfactories.

Engaged
a

in these thoughts I reached the Poecile,

and there found

great

crowd gathered

;

there were some inside the Portico, a large

number

outside,

and

a

few seated on the benches vociferating

8 8
as

^us
loud
as

'Tragoedus

they could.

Guessing correctly that these were

philosophers of the militant variety, I had a

mind
a

to stop

and

hear what they were saying,
cloud, under cover of which
I

I

was enveloped in

good thick

assumed their habit, lengthened
;

my beard, and so made a passable philosopher then I elbowed my way through the crowd and got in undetected. I found an
accomplished scoundrel and a pattern of

human virtue at daggers
his voice

drawn

;

they were Damis the Epicurean and Timocles the Stoic.
in perspiration,

The latter was bathed
of wear, while

and

showed

signs

Damis goaded him on

to further exertions with

mocking laughter.

The bone
or act with

of contention

was ourselves.

Damis

— the

reptile

!

— maintained
tence
port.
;

17

that

we did not concern
affairs,
it

ourselves in thought
exis-

human

and practically denied our
to.

that was

what

came

And
and

he found some suployally, passionately,
;

Timocles was on our

side,

unshrinkingly did he champion the cause

he extolled our

Providence, and illustrated
of our

the

orderly discerning character

influence

and government.

He
;

too had his party

;

but

he was exhausted and quite husky
I

and the majority
at stake,

were inclining to Damis.

saw how much was

and

ordered Night to come on and break up the meeting.

They
com-

accordingly dispersed, agreeing to conclude the inquiry next
day.
I

kept

among

the crowd on

its

way home, heard
his

its

mendations of Damis, and found that

views were far the

more popular, though some
for himself

still

protested against condemning

Timocles out of hand, and preferred to see what he would say
to-morrow.
the occasion of this meeting

You now know
ye Gods,
if

—no

light one, jg

you

reflect

how

entirely our dignity, our revenue,
If

our honour, depend on mankind.

they should accept as

true either our absolute non-existence or, short of that, our
indifference to them, farewell to our earthly sacrifices, attri-

Z^Ks Iragoedus
butes, honours
;

89
in

we
all

shall sit starving

and ineffectual
So mighty

Heaven

;

our beloved

feasts

and assemblies, games and
will

sacrifices, vigils
is

and processions
believe me,
lies
it
?

be no more.
all

the issue

;

behoves us

to search out salvation

;

and where

salvation

In the victory and acceptance of Timocles, in

laughter that shall

drown the

voice of Damis.
if

For

I

doubt

the unaided powers of Timocles,

our help be not accorded

him.

Hermes, make formal proclamation, and
mence.

let

the debate com-

Herm. Hear, keep
Gods, speak
rise
?

clamour not. Of full and qualified Why, what means this ? Doth none Cower ye confounded at these momentous tidings ?
silence,

who

will.

19

Mo.
But / could
granted me.

Away, ye
find

dull as earth, as water

weak

!

plenty to say,

Zeus,

if

free speech

were

Zeus. Speak,

Momus, and

fear not.

You

will use

your

free-

dom,

surely, for the

common
;

good.
for out of the

Mo. Hear, then, ye Gods
heart the
clearly
selves

abundance of the
I

mouth

speaketh.

You must know,

foresaw
;

all

this

—our

difficulty

— the growth of these agitators
;

it is

our-

who are responsible for their impudence I swear to you, we need not blame Epicurus nor his friends and successors, for the prevalence of these ideas. Why, what can one expect men to think, when they see all life topsy-turvy the good neglected,

pining in poverty, disease, and slavery, detestable scoundrels

honoured, rolling in wealth, and ordering their betters about,
temple-robbers undetected and unpunished, the innocent constantly crucified

and bastinadoed

?

With

this

evidence before

them,
20 tence.

it is

only natural they should conclude against our exis-

All the

more when they hear the

oracles saying that

some one

The

Halys crossed, o'erthrows a mighty realm.

90
enemy's
;

2^us Traqoediis
realm
is

but not specifying whether that
or again

his

own

or

his

O

sacred Salamis, thou shalt slay

Full

many

a mother's son.

The Greeks were mothers' sons as well as the Persians, I suppose. Or again, when they hear the ballads about our loves, our wounds,
captivities, thraldoms, quarrels,

and endless

vicissitudes

(mark

you,

we

claim

all

the while to be blissful and serene), are they
?

not justified in ridiculing and belittHng us
it is

And

then

we

say

outrageous

if

a

few people who are not quite
;

fools expose

the absurdity and reject Providence

why, we ought to be glad
private

enough that

a

few

still

go on

sacrificing to blunderers like us.

And

at this point,
is

Zeus


a

this

meeting
us

is

;

the

human

21

element

not represented

among

(except by Heracles,

Dionysus, Ganymede, and Asclepius, and they are naturalized)

—at
in

this point,

answer

me

question frankly

:

did your interest

mankind ever carry you
?
;

so far as to sift the
I

good from the Very
well,

bad

The

answer
a

is

in the negative,
his

know.

then

had not

Theseus, on

way from Troezen
an incidental

to Athens,

exterminated

the

malefactors

as

amusement,

Sciron and Pityocamptes and Cercyon and the rest of

them
not

might have gone on battening on the slaughter of
for all

travellers,

you and your Providence would have done.

Had

an old-fashioned thoughtful Eurystheus, benevolently collecting
information of local troubles, sent this energetic enterprising
servant of his about, the mighty Zeus would never have given
a

thought to the Hydra or the Stymphalian
the truth must out,
a

birds, the

Thracian

horses and the drunken insolence of Centaurs.
If

we

sit

here with a single eye to one 22
altars fat
?

thing— does

man

sacrifice

and feed the

Every-

thing else drifts

as it

may.

We

get our deserts, and shall contheir eyes

tinue to get them,
find that sacrifices

when men open

by degrees and
profit.

and processions bring them no

Before

;

eus Tragoedus
long you will find

91
have mastered and

we

are the laughing-stock of people like

Epicurus, Metrodorus,

Damis,

who

will

With whom does it lie to check and remedy this state of things ? Why, with you, who have brought He was it on. As for Momus, what is dishonour to him never among the recipients of honour, while you were still
muzzled our advocates.
.'

prosperous
23
Zeus.
his

;

your banquetings were too exclusive.

He
:

was ever

a cross-grained censor

;

we need not mind

maundering, Gods.

We have it
:

from the admirable Demofor a statesman
is

sthenes

imputations, blame, criticism, these are easy things

they tax no one's capacity

what
;

calls

is

the

suggesting of a better course
rest of

and that

what

I rely

upon the

you
As

for for

;

let us

do our best without
ordinarily

his help.
as

24

Pos.

me,

I live

under water,
;

you know,
is

and follow an independent policy
to save sailors, set ships
as best I

in the depths

that policy

on

their way,
I

and keep the winds quiet,
interest in

may.

However,
is

do take an

your

politics

too,

Damis should be got rid of before the debate the thunderbolt would do it, or some means could be found else he might win you say he is a
and
opinion
;

my

that this

;

plausible fellow, Zeus.

It

would teach them that there
about
us, too.
;

is

a

reckoning for telling such
25

tales

Zeus.

gotten that

You must be jesting, Posidon you cannot have we have no say in the matter ? It is the Fates
If it

for-

that

spin a man's thread,

whether he be destined to the thunderbolt

or the sword, to fever or consumption.

had depended on
curls shorn

me, do you suppose
off
off,

I

should have let those temple-robbers get
?

unblasted from Pisa the other day

—two of my

weighing half a dozen pounds apiece.
it,

Would you have

stood

when
?

that fisherman from Oreus stole your trident at
will

Geraestus

Moreover, they

think

angry

;

they will suspect that the reason
see

out of the way without waiting to

we are sensitive and why we get the man him matched with Timo-

;

92
cles
is

Z^us Tragoedus
that

we

are afraid of his

arguments

;

they will say

we

are

just securing

judgement by
!

default.
I

Fos. Dear, dear

I

thought

had

hit

upon

a

good short cut
Posidon

to our object.
2.eu5.

Nonsense, there

is

something

fishy

about

it,

;

and

it is

a dull notion too, to destroy

your adversary beforehand

;

he dies unvanquished, and leaves
debatable and undecided.
Pos.
'

his

argument behind him

still

Then
'

the rest of you must think of something better,

if

fishy

is

the best word you have for me.

Afol. If

we

beardless juniors

were competent to address the 26

meeting, / might perhaps have contributed usefully to the discussion.

Mo. Oh, Apollo, the inquiry

is

so important that seniority
;

may be
split

waived, and any one allowed his say

a

pretty thing to
crisis
!

hairs

about legal competence at
;

a

supreme

But
pre-

you are surely qualified by this time
historic,

your minority
roll,

is

your name

is

on the Privy-Council

your senatorial

rank dates back almost to Cronus.
airs,

Pray spare us these juvenile
;

and give us your views
bush of
beard.

freely

you need not be bashful

about your smooth chin; you have
great
a

a father's rights in Asclepius's a

Moreover, you never had
if

better

opportunity of showing your wisdom,

your philosophic seances

with the Muses on Helicon have not been thrown away.
A-pol.

Why,

it

does not
;

lie
if

with you to give
bids, I

me leave, Momus
words that
shall

Zeus must do that
be not
2.eus.
all

and

he

may

find

uncultured, but worthy of
;

my

Heliconian studies.

Speak, son

thou hast
is

my

leave.

Afol. This Timocles
Stoic scholar
;

his

good pious man, and an excellent 27 learning has gained him a wide and paying
a

connexion among young
indeed very convincing.

men
But

;

in private lessons his

manner
is

is

in public speaking he
a

timid,

cannot produce

his

voice,

and has

provincial

accent; the


^tis Tragoedus
consequence
is,


93
when he emphasizes
As
far as

he gets laughed at in company, lacks fluency,
thread

stammers and

loses his

— especially

these defects by an attempt at flowers of speech.
intelligence goes,

he

is

extremely acute and subtle, so the Stoic

experts say

;

but he
;

spoils it all

by the feebleness of

his oral

explanations
doxes, and
his

he

is

confused and unintelligible, deals in parais

when he
I

interrogated, explains ignotum

-per

ignotius

;

audience does not grasp his meaning, and therefore laughs
think lucidity a most important point
as to
;

at him.

there

is

nothing one should be so careful about
sible.

be comprehen-

28

Mo. You

praise lucidity, Apollo

;

your theory
;

is

excellent,

though your practice does not quite conform
a second
is

your oracles are
;

crooked and enigmatic, and generally rely upon a safe ambiguity

prophet

is

required to say what they mean.
?

But what

your solution of the problem

How are we
?

to cure Timocles

of the impediment in his speech 29
A-pol.

If possible,

(there are plenty such) to be inspired by

we should provide him with an able counsel him and give adequate
is

expression to his ideas.

Mo. Your sapience

beardless indeed
:

in statu fupillari,

one
his

may
with

say.

A

learned gathering

Timocles with counsel by

side to interpret his ideas.
his

Damis speaking

in propria persona
a

own

tongue, his opponent employing

go-between into

whose

ears

he privately pours inspiration, and the go-between
I

producing ornate periods, without,

dare say, understanding
!

what he
30

is

told

—most entertaining
sir,

for the listeners

We

shall

get nothing out of that device.

But, reverend

you claim the

gift of

prophecy, and

it

has
?

brought you in good pay

golden ingots on one occasion
?

why

not seize this opportunity of exhibiting your art
tell

You

might

us

which of the disputants

will

win

;

a

prophet

knows the future, of course

94
A-pol.

Z^us Tragoedus
I

have no tripod or incense here

;

no substitute for the

divining-well of Castaly.

Mo. Aha
occasion
to

!

you are caught

!

you

will

not come to the scratch.
;

Xeus. Speak,

my

son, in spite of
;

all

give not this

enemy

blaspheme

let

him not

flout

thy pow^ers with

tripod and water and frankincense, as though thine art were
lost

without them.
it

Afol. Father,

were better done

at

Delphi or at Colophon,
Yet, bare and un-

with

all

the customary instruments to hand.
as I

provided

am,

I will essay to tell

whether of them twain

shall prevail.

If the

metre

is

a little rough,

you must make
no
It

allowances.

Mo.

Go on,

then

;

but remember, Apollo

:

lucidity

;

'able

counsel,'

no solutions that want solving themselves.

is

not

a question of

lamb and

tortoise boiling

'

in

Lydia now

;

you

know what we want
Zeus.
is

to get at.

What

will thine utterance
!

be

?

How

dread, even now,

the making ready

The altered hue, the rolling eyes, the floating

locks,

the frenzied gesture

all is

possession, horror, mystery.

Apol.

Who
Of
Shrill,

lists

may

hear Apollo's soothfast rede

31

stiff

debate, heroic challenge ringing

and each headpiece lined with fence of proof.
strife
;

Alternate clack the strokes in whirling

Sore buffeted, quakes and shivers heart of oak.

But when grasshopper feels the vulture's talons. Then the storm-boding ravens croak their last,
Prevail the mules, butts his swift foals the
ass.

Zeus.

Why

that ribald laughter,
;

Momus

?

It

is

no laughing

matter.

Stop, stop, fool

you'll

choke yourself.

Mo. Well, such
Zeus. Indeed
?

a clear simple oracle puts

one in

spirits.
it.

Then
'

perhaps you will kindly expound

See Croesus in Notes.

;

;

Z^us Tragoedus
Mo.
plain.

^')
it
is

No

need of

a

Themistocles

this

time

;

absolutelyis

The

oracle just says in so

many words

that he

a quack,
;

and we
32

pack-asses (quite true)
as

and mules to believe in liim

we have not
give

much
I

sense, it adds, as a grasshopper.

Herac. Father,

am

only an alien, but

I

am

not afraid to

my
own

opinion.

Let them begin their debate.
it,

Then,

if

Timocles gets the best of
our
interest
;

we can
like,
is

let
if

the meeting go on, in
things look bad, I will
it

on the other hand,
if

give the Portico a shake,

you

and bring

down on Damis
I

a confounded fellow like that
Xeus.

not to insult

us.

Now

by Heracles

cannot swear by your plan
philistine suggestion
!

— can —what
I
!

swear by you,
a crude
all

certainly

—what
in,

a shockingly

What

destroy

those people for one

man's wickedness
tiades

?

and the Portico thrown
field

with the Mil?

and Cynaegirus on the

of

Marathon

Why,
them

if

these were ruined,

how

could the orators ever make another
?

speech, with the best of their stock-in-trade taken from
Besides, while

you were

alive,

you might possibly have done

a

thing like that ; but

that only the Fates are competent, and

Herac,

now that you are a God, you surely understand we cannot interfere ? Then when I slew the lion or the Hydra, was I only
?

the Fates' instrument
Zeus.

Of

course you were.

Herac.

And now,

suppose any one insults me, or robs

my

temple, or upsets an image of me,

am

I

not to pulverize him,
long ago
i

just because the Fates have not decreed

it

Zeus. Certainly not

Herac.

Then
I'm
a

allow

blunt

me to man
;

speak
I

my mind
spade a spade.

call a

If this

is

the state of things with you, good-bye for
fat of victims
;

me

to your
off to

honours and altar-steam and
Hades.

I

shall

be

There,

if I

show my bow ready

for action, the ghosts

of the monsters I have slain will be frightened, at least.


9(^


^Ji-^ Tragpedus

;

Zeus.
says the

Oh, splendid
book
;

'
!

Thine own

lips testify against thee,*

you would have saved Damis some trouble by
messenger

putting this in his mouth.

But who
figure

is

this breathless

?

Bronze

a nice clean 33

and outline

chevelure rather out of date.

Ah, he must
of having
?

be your brother, Hermes,
Poecile
;

who

stands in the
;

Market by the

I see

he

is all

over pitch

that
son,

is

what comes
this haste

casts taken of

you every day.

My
?

why

Have

you important news from Earth
Hertnag.

Momentous

news, calling for infinite energy.
if

Zeus. Speak, tarry not,
vigilance.

any peril

else

hath escaped our

Hermag.

It

chanced of

late that

by the

statuaries

My breast and back were plastered o'er with pitch A mock cuirass tight-clinging hung, to ape My bronze, and take the seal of its impression.
When
lo,

a

crowd

!

therein a pallid pair
;

Sparring amain, vociferating logic

'Twas Damis and
Zeus.

Truce
pair.

to your iambics,

know the
on long.

But
yet

tell

my excellent Hermagoras; I me whether the fight has been going
were
still

Hermag. Not

;

they

skirmishing

—slinging
listen.

invective at long range.
Zeus.

Then we have

only, Gods,

to look over

and

Let the Hours unbar, draw back the clouds, and open the doors
of

Heaven.

Upon my
like

word, what

a vast
;

gathering
is
;

!

And
;

I

do not quite 34
lost his

the looks of Ti modes
;

he

trembling
is

he has

head

he wiU

spoil everything

it

perfectly plain, he will

not be able to stand up to Damis.
left us
:

Well, there

is

one thing

we can pray

for

him
lest

Inwardly, silently,

Damis

hear.

Z^us Tiagpedus
35
Ti.

97
what makes you
with you, scoun-

fVhat, you miscreant, no Gods ? no Providence ?
;

Da. No, no

you answer

my

question first ;

believe in them ? Ti.
drel.

None

of thai,

now
now

;

the

onus proband!

is

Da. None
Zeus.

of that,

;

it is
is

with you.

At

this

game

ours

much

the better
;

man

—louderto invec-

voiced, rougher-tempered.
tive
;

Good, Timocles
;

stick

that

is

your strong point

once you get

off that,

he will

hook and hold you up
Ti.

like a fish.

I solemnly swear I

will not answer

first.

Da. Well, put your
oath.

questions, then ; so

much you

score by your

But no

abuse, please.

36

Ti. Done.
that the

Tell me, then,

and he damned

to

you, do you deny

Gods exercise providence ?
do.
all the events

Da. I
Ti.

What, are

we

see uncontrolled, then

?

Da. Yes.
Ti.

And the regulation oj the universe is not under any God's care ? And
everything moves casually, by blind tendency F

Da. No.
Ti.

Da. res.
Ti.

Gentlemen,

ca?i

you tolerate such sentiments ?

Stone the

blasphemer.

Da. What do you mean by hounding them against me ?
are you, that you should protest in the Gods'

Who
and

name ?

They do not

even protest in their own

;

they have sent no judgement on me,
to

they have had time enough
Ti.

hear me,
;

if

they have ears.
their vengeance

They do hear you

;

they do

and some day

will find you out.

37

Da. Pray when are they

likely to
to

have time

to

spare for v.f ?

They are jar

too busy,

according

you, with all the infinite con-

cerns of the universe on their hands.
LUCIAN
III

That

is

why

they have never

H

98
me

^'^•'"

Tragoedus

punished you for your perjuries and
performances,
let

well,

for the rest of your

say, not

to

break our compact about abuse.

And

yet I

am

at a loss to conceive

any more convincing proof they
if

could have given of their Providence, than

they had trounced

you as you deserve.

But no doubt they are from home
'

toother

side of Oceanus, possibly, on a visit to

the blameless Ethiopians.''
to

We

know they have a way

of

going there

dinner, self-invited

sometimes.
Ti.

What answer

is

possible to such ribaldry

? you can

^g

Da. The answer I have been waiting
tell

for all this time ;

me what made you
moon

believe in divine Providence.

Ti. Firstly, the order of nature
course, the

the sun running his regular

the same, the circling seasons, the growth of plants,

the generation of living things, the ingenious adaptations in these
latter

for

nutrition,

thought,

movement, locomotion
;

;

look

at

a

carpenter or a shoemaker, for instance

and

the thing is infinite.

All these

effects,

and no

effecting Providence ?

Da. You beg
Providence
is

the question ; whether the effects are produced

by

just
;

what

is

not yet proved.

Tour
is

description of

nature I accept
it ;

it

does not follow that there

definite design in

it is

not impossible that things

now similar and homogeneous
origins.

have developed from widely different

But you give

the

name
angry
its

'

order

'

to

mere blind tendency.

And

you will be very

if

one follows your appreciative catalogue of nature in all

variety, hut stops short of accepting it as a -proof of detailed
So, as the

Providence.

play says,
;

Here lurks a fallacy
Ti.

bring

me
is

sounder proof.
required
to
;

I cannot admit that further

proof

nevertheless,

jg

/ will give you one.
able poet ?

Will you allow Homer

have been an admir-

Da. Surely.
Ti. Well, he maintains Providence,

and warrants my

belief.

Z^us Tragvedus
Da. Magnificent I why, every one will grant you Homer'' s
excellence
;

99
-poetic
is

hut not that he, or any other
of this sort.

-poet for

that matter,

good authority on questions
is

Their

object, of course,

not truth, but fascination ; they call in the charms of metre, they

take tales for the vehicle of

what

instruction they give,

and

in short

all their efforts are directed to pleasure.

40

But I should be glad
faith
to.

to

hear which parts

of

Homer you

pin your

Where he

tells

how

the daughter, the brother,

and

the

wife

of

Zeus conspired
to

to

imprison him ?

If Thetis had not been

moved
cellent

compassion and called Briareus, you remember, our ex;

Xeus would have been seized and manacled
her induced him
to

and

his grati-

tude

to

delude Agaviemnon with a lying dream,

and bring about

the deaths of a
that, if he

number

of

Greeks.

Do you

see

?

The reason was
self

had struck and blasted Agamemnon's
to light.

with a thunderbolt, his double dealing would have come
the

Or perhaps you found
Athene's instigation

Diomede

story

most convincing ?
himself,
to


at

Diomede wounded Aphrodite, and afterwards Ares

and went and

a-tilting

—without

;

and then

the

Gods actually

fell

blows

distinction of sex ;

Athene overthrew
;

Ares, exhausted no doubt with his previous

wound from Diomede

Hermes

the stark

and stanch

'gainst Leto stood.

Or did you put your
who
Is

trust in

Artemis ? She was a sensitive lady,
to

resented not being invited

Oeneus's banquet, and by
boar
to

way

of

vengeance sent a monstrous
it

irresistible

ravage his country.

with

tales like these that

Homer

has prevailed on you ?

41

Zeus.

Goodness me, what

a shout,

Gods
;

!

they are
is

all

cheer-

ing Damis.

And
he
is

our

man
a

seems posed

he

frightened and
I

trembles
it
;

;

going to throw up the sponge,

am

certain of

he looks round for

gap to get away through.

Ti.

And

will you scout Euripides too, then ?

Again and again
{like yours),

he brings Gods on the stage, and shows them upholding virtue in
the HeroeSy but chastising wickedness

and impiety

H 2

loo
Da.

^tis 'Tra^oedus

My

noble philosopher, if that is

how

the tragedians have
:

convinced you, you have only two alternatives
that divinity
is

you must suppose

temporarily lodged either in the actor

—a

Polus, an

Aristodemus, a Satyrus

,

or else in

the actual masks, buskins,

long tunics, cloaks, gloves, stomachers, padding,

and ornamental
;

paraphernalia in general

of

tragedy

—a

manifest absurdity

for

when Euripides can speak

his

own sentiments unfettered by dramatic
remarks
:

necessity, observe the freedom of his

Dost see

this aether stretching infinite.

And
And
again,

girdling earth with close yet soft embrace P

That reckon thou thy Zeus, that name thy God.

Zeus, whate'er Zeus

I know

not)

may

be

{for,

save by hearsay,

;

and

there is

more

of the

Ti. Well, but all
feted

men

—ay,

same

sort.

all nations

— have acknowledged and 42
national observances show
is.

Gods

;

was

it all

delusion ?
;

Da. Thank you

;

a timely reminder

better than anything else
is endless,

how vague

religious theory

Confusion

and

beliefs as

many
to

as believers.
the

Scythia makes offer-

ings

to

a scimetar, Thrace
to

Samian runaway Zamolxis,
to
to

Phrygia

a Month-God, Ethiopia
to

a Day-Goddess, Cyllene
fire,

to

P hales,

Assyria

a dove, Persia

Egypt
of

to

water.

In

Egypt, though, besides the universal worship
has a private cult
of the ox,

water,

Memphis

Pelusium

of the onion, other cities of

the ibis or the crocodile, others again of baboon, cat, or monkey.

Nay, the very
right shoulder,
skull,

villages

have their specialities
across the

:

one deifies the one a half

and another

river the left /

another an earthenware bowl or platter.

Come,

my

fine

fellow, is it not all ridiculous ?

Mo. What did

I tell

you,

Gods

?

All this was sure to

come

out and be carefully overhauled.

Z^^
Zeus.

Tragoedus
strictures

i

o
;

i

You

did,

Momus, and your
out of

were

justified

if

once we come

safe

this present peril, I will try to intro-

duce reforms.
43
Ti. Infidel ! where do you find the source of oracles
phecies,
if

and froshall ask
to the

not in the

Gods and

their Providence ?

Da. About
you
to

oracles, friend, the less said the better ;

I

choose your instances, you see.
suit

Will

Af allocs

answer

Lydian
knife
;

you ?

That was as symmetrical as a double-edged
ways, like those

or say, it faced both

Hermae which
his

are
;

made

double, alike whether you look at front or back.
the

Consider

will Croesus''s passage of

Halys destroy

own realm,

or

Cyruses ?

Yet

the wretched Sardian

paid a long price

for his

ambidextrous hexameter.

Mo. The man is realizing just my worst Where is our handsome musician now ? Ah, go down and plead your own cause against him.
Zeus.

apprehensions.
there you are
;

Hush,

Momus
care,

;

you are murdering our

feelings

;

it is

no time

for recrimination.

44

'Ti.

Have a
to

Damis

;

this is sacrilege, no less ;

what you

say amounts

razing the temples and upsettiiig the
all

altars.
do, so long as

Da. Oh, not
incense

the altars ;
is

what harm do they
?

and perfume

the zvorst of it

As

for Artemis'' s altar at
it

lauri, though, and her hideous feasts, I should like

overturned

from base
Zeus.
is

to cornice.

Whence comes
of us he spares

this resistless
;

plague

among

us

?

There
as a

none

he

is

as free

with his tongue
guilty.

tub

orator,

And
us,

grips

by turns the innocent and
?

Mo. The innocent
Zeus.

You
come

will

not find

many

of those

among
of the

He

will soon

to laying hands

upon some

great and eminent, I dare say.

45

Ti.

Do you

close

your ears even

to Zeus'' s t'bunder, atheist

?
it is

Da. I

clearly

cannot shut out

the thunder

;

whether


I02
Z.eus's

^//j- Tragoedus
thunder, you

know

better than

I perhaps

;

you

may have
:

interviewed the Gods.

Travellers from Crete

tell

another story

there is a tomb there with

an inscribed

pillar, stating that

Zeus

is

long dead,

and not going

to

thunder any more.

Mo.
Zeus
?

I

could have told you that was coming long ago.
?

What,
?

pale

and your teeth chattering

?

What is the matter

You

should cheer up, and treat such manikins with lofty con-

tempt.
Zeus.

Contempt

?

See what

a

number

of

them there
them

is

how
the

set against us

they are already

—and he has

fast

by

ears.

Mo. Well, but you have only

to choose, and

you can

let

down your golden cord, and then every man of them With earth and sky and all thou canst draw up.
7i. Blasphemer, have you ever been a voyage ?

^6
filled the sails,

Da. Many.
Ti. Well, then, the

wind struck

the canvas

and

and

it

or the oars

gave you way, hut there was a person responsible
?

for steering

and

for the safety of the ship

Da. Certainly.
1i.

Now

that ship would not have sailed, without a steersman that this great universe drifts unsteered

;

and do you suppose
uncontrolled ?

and

Zeus.

Good,

this time,

Timocles

;

a cogent illustration, that.

Da. But, you pattern

of piety, the earthly

navigator makes his 47

plans, takes his measures, gives his orders, with a single eye to
efficiency ; there is nothing useless or purposeless on

board

;

every-

thing

is to

make navigation easy

or possible ; but as for the naviof this vast ship,

gator for
his

whom you

claim the management

he and

crew show no reason or appropriateness in any
;

of their

arrange-

ments

the forestays, as likely as not, are

made

fast to the stern,

and both

sheets to the hows ; the anchor will be gold, the beak lead,

decoration below the water-line,

and

unsightliness above.

Z^ts Tra^o edits
48

103
atckward coward
in

As

for the men, you will find some lazy

second or third command, or a fine swimmer, active as a cat aloft,

and a handy man
It
is

generally, chosen out of all the rest
:

to

—pump.

just the

same with the passengers

here

is

a gaolbird accom-

modated with a seat next the captain and treated with reverence,
there a debauchee or

parricide or

temple-robber

in

honourable

possession of the best place, while crowds of respectable people are

packed together in a corner and hustled by their real
Consider what sort
of

inferiors.

a voyage Socrates and Aristides and Phocion
filth,

had

of

it,

on short rations, not venturing, for the
;

to stretch

out their legs on the bare deck
fortable, luxurious,

and on
life it

the other

hand what a comMidias

contemptuous

was

for Callias or

or Sardanapalus.

49

That

is

how

things go on board your ship, sir wiseacre

;

and

who

shall count the wrecks ?

If there

had been a captain superwould have known the

vising

and

directing, in the first place he

difference between good

and had

passengers,
;

and

in the second he

would have given them

their deserts

the better

would have had
the worse gone

the better accommodation above by his side,

and

below

;

with some

of the better

he would have shared his meals and
:

his counsels.

So too for the crew

the keen sailor

would have been
some
sort of

made

look-out

man

or captain of the watch, or given

precedence,

and

the lazy shirker have tasted the rope''s end half a

dozen times a day.
to

The metaphorical

ship, your worship,

is

likely

be capsized by its captain's incompetence.

50

Mo. He
Zeus.

is

sweeping on to victory, with wind and
probable,
;

tide.

Too

Momus.

And

Timocles never gets hold
trite

of an effective idea

he can only ladle out

commonplaces
I must drop

higgledy-piggledy
51
Ti. Well, well

— no sooner heard than refuted.
my
ship leaves you unconvinced
is

;

;

my

sheet-anchor, then ; that at least
I

unbreakable.

Zeus.

wonder what
is

it is.

Ti. See whether this

a sound syllogism

;

can you upset

it

?

:

I04
If there

^iis Tragoedus
are altars, there are Gods
:

there are altars ; therefore,

there are Gods.

Now

then.

Da. Ha,
laughing.
Ti.

ha, ha !

I

will answer as soon as

I can get done with

Will you never stop ?

At

least tell

me what

the joke

is.

Da. Why, you

don't see that your anchor {sheet-anchor, too)

hangs by a mere thread.
existence of

Tou depend

on connexion between the

Gods and the existence

of altars,

and fancy

yourself

safe at anchor !
there
is

As you admit
to

that this

was your sheet-anchor,

nothing further
retire ;
;

detain us.

1i.

You

you confess yourself beaten, then ?
seen you take sanctuary at the altars under
altars

52

Da. Yes
persecution.

we have At those

I

am

ready {the sheet-anchor be

my

witness) to swear peace
Ti.

and

cease from strife.

You

are playing with me, are you, you vile body-snatcher,

you loathsome well-whipped scum !

As

if

we

didn't
!

know who
strangled

your father was, how your mother was a harlot

You
;

your own brother, you live in fornication, you debauch the young,

you unabashed lecher !
thing for you
to

Don't be in such a hurry
;

here

is

someto

take with you

this broken pot will serve

me

cut

your foul throat.
Zeus.
calling

Damis makes off with a laugh, and the other after him, 53 him names, mad at his insolence. He will get him on
I

the head with that pottery,
to do
?

know.

And now, what
far

are

we

Herm. Why, the man
Put
It
is

in the

comedy was not

out

a

good

face

on

't,

and thou hast no harm.
a

no such

terrible disaster,

if

few people go away infected.

There

are plenty

who

take the other view

a

majority of Greeks,

the body and dregs of the people, and the barbarians to a man.
Zeus.

Ah, Hermes, but there

is

a

great deal in Darius's remark
ally like

about Zopyrus

I

would rather have had one
a

Damis
H.

than be the lord of

thousand Babvlons.

THE COCK
Micyllus.

A

Cock
!

Mi. Detested bird
Shrill,

!

May
to wake

Zeus crunch your every bone

envious brute

:

me from

delightful dreams of

wealth and magic blessedness with those piercing, deafening
notes
!

Am
:

I

not even in sleep to find a refuge from Poverty,
vile

Poverty more
night yet

than your
;

vile self

i

Why,

it

cannot be mid-

all is

hushed

numbness

—sure messenger of approachits

ing

dawn
:

—has
this

not yet performed

morning

office

upon my

limbs

and

wakeful brute (one would think he was guarding

the golden fleece) starts crowing before night has fairly begun.

But he
and

shall

pay
shall

for

it.

—Yes
meant

;

only wait

till

daylight comes,

my stick
you

avenge me;

I

am

not going to flounder about

after

in the dark.

Cock.
I

Why,

master,
I

I

to give

you

a pleasant surprise

:

borrowed what

could from the night, that you might be up
;

early

and break the back of your work
sunrise,

think,

if

you get

a

shoe

done before
day's bread.
I will

you are
if

so

much

the nearer to earning your
sleep,
I

However,
as

you prefer to

have done

;

be mute

any

fish.

Only you may

find

your rich dreams

followed by a hungry awakening.

2

Mi. God

of portents

!

Heracles preserve us from the evil to
a

come
Mi.

!

My cock has
And what
if

spoken with

human

voice.
?

Cock.
I

he has
it

?

Is

that so very portentous

should think
I

was.
afraid

All

Gods

avert the

omen

!

Cock. Micyllus,
neglected.
If

am

your education has been sadly
have anything more to do
spouting whole

you had read your Homer, you would know that

Achilles's horse

Xanthus declined

to

with neighing, and stood on the

field of battle

hexameters

;

he was not content with plain prose like

me

j

he

io<5

The
him.

Cock

even took to prophecy, and foretold to Achilles what should
befall

Nor was

this

considered anything out of the
it,

way

;

Achilles saw nothing portentous about

nor did he invoke

Heracles on the occasion.
if

What

a fuss
a

you would have made,
remark to you, or the
their

the keel of the Argo had addressed

leaves of the

Dodonaean oak had opened
if

mouths and proAs

phesied

;

or

you had seen ox-hides crawling about, and heard
!

the half-cooked flesh of the beasts bellowing on the spit
for

me, considering

my

connexion with Hermes

—most loquaI
is

cious,

most argumentative of Gods

—and

my

familiar inter-

course with mankind, it was only to be expected that Nay, there pick up your language pretty quickly.
better reason for
telling you,
if

should
a
still

my

conversational powers, which

I

don't
it.

mind

you

will

promise to keep quiet about
still,

Mi.
reason

Am I
;

dreaming

or

is

this bird really talking to

me

?

3

—In Hermes' name
I

then, good creature, out with your better
fear
;

wiU be mum, never

it

shall
I told

go no further.

Why, who would
it

believe the story,

when

him

that

I

had

from

a cock

?

Cock. Listen.

You

will doubtless

be surprised to learn that

not so long ago the cock

who

stands before you was a man.

Mi. Why,
tryon

to be sure, I have heard something like this before
It

about a cock.
'

was the story of

a

young man

called Alec-

;

he was

a friend of Ares,

—used to join in

his revels

and

junketings, and give

him
as

a

hand

in his love affairs.

Whenever

Ares went to pay a

sly visit to

Aphrodite, he used to take Alec-

tryon with him, and

he was particularly afraid that the Sun
Hephaestus, he would always leave

would

see him,

and

tell

Alectryon at the door, so that he might give him warning

when

the

Sun was up.
peep

But one day Alectryon
;

fell

asleep,

and

unwittingly betrayed his trust

the consequence was that the

Sun got

a

at the lovers, while Ares
Alectryon
is

was having
for a

a

comfortable

the

Greek word

cock.

The
nap, relying on Alectryon to
tus heard of
it,

Cock
him
if

107
any one came.

tell

Hephaes-

and caught them
for

in that cage of his,

which he

had long had waiting
armour and
that the

them.

When

Ares was released, he
a cock,
is

was so angry with Alectryon that he turned him into
all,

as

is

shown by
a

his crest

;

and that

makes you cocks in such

hurry to crow at dawn, to
;

let us

what know

Sun

is

coming up presently
that story too

it is

your way of apologizmatters now,
is

ing to Ares, though crowing will not

mend
:

4

Cock. Yes, there

is

but that

nothing to do

with mine

;

I

only became a cock quite lately.
I

Mi. But what
Cock.

want

to

know

is,

how

did

it

happen

?

Did you ever hear
?

of Pythagoras of Samos,

son of

Mnesarchus
Alt.

What, that

sophist quack,

who

forbade the eating of

meat, and would have banished beans from our tables (no beans,

indeed

!

my

favourite food

!), ?

and who wanted people to go

for

five years

without speaking
I

Cock.

And who,
a

may

add, was Euphorbus before he was

Pythagoras.

Mi. He was
accounts.

knave and

a

humbug, that Pythagoras, by
friend,

all

Cock.

That Pythagoras, my worthy
:

is

in person

spare his feelings, especially as you

now before you know nothing
But profrom

about

his real character.
!

Mi. Portent upon portent
ceed, son of Mnesarchus
:

a cock

philosopher

!

how came you
^

to change

man

to

bird,
;

from Samos to Tanagra
a

?

'Tis
it.

an unconvincing
I

story

I find

difficulty in

swallowing

have noticed
like

two things about you
Pythagoras.
Cock. Yes
?

already,

which do not look much

Mi. For one thing, you are garrulous
'

;

I

might say

noisy.

See Notes.


ro8
Now,
if

The
I

Cock

am

not mistaken, Pythagoras advocated a course of

As for the other, it is rank remember that yesterday, not having anything else to give you, I brought you some beans and you, you gobbled them up without thinking twice about it Either you lied when you told me you were Pythagoras, or else you
live years'

silence at a stretch.
will

heresy.

You

:

!

have sinned against your have
as

good

as

bolted your

own laws in eating those own father's head.
:

beans,

you

Cock. Ah, you don't understand, Micyllus.
for these things
a
:

There

is

a

reason 5
I

different diets suit different creatures.
:

was

philosopher in those days
contrary,
I

accordingly

I

abstained from beans.
;

Now, on the

propose to eat beans

they are an unlike I will tell

exceptionable diet for birds.

And now
I

if

you

you how from being Pythagoras
see

have come to be
lives I

—what you
and what
Indeed,

me

;

and

all

about the other

have

lived,

were the good points of each.

Mi. Tell on
if

;

there

is

nothing

I

should

like better.

I

were given

my

choice between hearing your story, and
riches over again, I don't
a

having
I

my

late

dream of

know which
all

should decide on.
:

'Twas

sweet vision, of joys above

price

yet not above the tale of

my

cock's adventures.
?

Cock.
Still

What,

still

puzzling over the import of a dream

busy with vain phantoms, chasing
as

a visionary happiness

through your head, that 'fleeting' joy,

the poet
it.

calls it

?

Mi. Ah, cock,
left its

cock, I shall never forget
spell

That dream
As

has

6

honeyed

on

my

eyelids

;

'tis all I

can do to open
a feather

them

;

they would fain close once more in sleep.

tickles the ear, so did that vision tickle

my

imagination.

Cock. Bless me, you seem to be very hard hit.

Dreams
by
its

are
:

winged, so they
this

say,

and

their flight circumscribed

sleep

one seems to have broken bounds, and taken up
its

abode in

wakeful eyes, transferring thither
presence.

honeyed
desire.

spell, its lifelike

Tell

me

this

dream of your

The
Mi. With
speak of
Cock.
it.

Cock
joy to

109
remember
?

all

my

heart;

it is a

it,

and to

But what about your transformations
wait
till

They must

you have done dreaming, and
So you begin
:

wiped the honey from your
see

eyelids.

I

want

to

which gates the dream came through, the ivory or the horn.
neither.

Mi. Through

Cock. Well, but these are the only

two that Homer mentions.
a

Mi. Homer may go hang
about dreams
for
all
?
;

:

what does

babbling poet know
gates,

Pauper dreams may come through those
that was the kind that
as

I

know

over clearly at that,

he was blind.

Homer But my

saw, and not

beauty came

through golden gates, golden himself and clothed in gold and
bringing gold.
Cock.

Enough
it
is

of gold,

most gentle Midas
;

;

for to a

Midas-

prayer

that I trace your vision

you must have dreamt you can that
and
;

whole minefuls.

7

Mi. Gold upon gold was there
glorious lightning-flash
!

;

picture

if

What
to
it ?

is

it

that Pindar says about
says

gold

?

Can you help me
at the

He

water

is

best,

then very properly proceeds to sing the praises of gold

it

comes

beginning of the book, and
this
?

a

beautiful ode

it is.

Cock.

What about
Water

Chiefest of
:

all good we hold even so doth gold. Like a fire that flameth through the night, Shine mid lordly wealth most lordly bright. I

Mi. The very words
vision.
details.

;

could fancy that Pindar had seen
I

my
to

And now, my
That
to
I
;

philosophic cock,

will

proceed

did not dine at

home

last night,

you are already
morning, and

aware
told

the wealthy Eucrates had

met me

in the

me

come

to dinner after
I

my
it,

bath at

his usual hour.
all

8
It

Cock.

Too

well do

know

after starving

day long.
over

was quite late before you came home

— half-seas

— and


The
Cock
commons
for a cock
;

no
gave

me

those five beans

rather short

who

has been an athlete in his day, and contended at Olympia,

not w^ithout distinction.

Mi. Well,
I

so

when
and

I

got back, and had given you the beans,

went to

sleep,

Through the ambrosial night
ah, divine indeed
!

a

dream divine

Cock.

Wait
Tell

:

let us
all

have Eucrates
it.

first.

What sort of a
:

dinner

was

it ?

me

about
;

Seize the opportunity

dine once

more
Mi.

in
I

waking dream
thought
all
all

chew the cud

of prandial reminiscence.
;

that

would bore you

however,

if

you

are

9

curious,
life

right.

I

had never dined

at a great house in
I
fell

my
in

before,

when

yesterday, in a lucky hour for me,

with Eucrates.

After saluting him respectfully
to bring discredit

as usual, I

was

making
side in

off

— not
my

on him by walking
' :

at his

my
'

shabby clothes

—when he spoke to me
I
it.

Micyllus,'

he
a

said,

it is

daughter's birthday to-day, and

have invited
is

number

of friends to celebrate

One

of them, I hear,
;

indisposed,

and

will not

be able to come

you can take

his

place, always provided that I

do not hear from him,
not.'
I

for at

present

I

do not know whether to expect him or

made

my

bow, and departed, praying that ague, pleurisy, and gout
light

might

upon the
I

invalid

whose appetite

I

had the honour
;

to represent.

thought bath-time would never come
:

I

could
?

not keep

my

eyes off the dial
?

where was the shadow now
was time
:

could
off,

I

go yet

At

last it really

I

scraped the dirt

and made myself smart, turning

that the clean side might be uppermost.
guests assembled at the door,

my cloak inside out, so Among the numerous
I

10

whom
;

should

see

but the very
a litter
!

man whose understudy He was evidently in a
spitting in the

I

was to be, the invalid, in

sad

way

groaning and coughing and
;

most alarmingly emphatic manner

ghostly pale,

I

The
puffy,

Cock

II

and not much

less, I

reckoned, than sixty years old.
said,

He
boys'

was

a philosopher, so

they

— one
it

of those

who

fill

heads with nonsensical ideas.

Certainly his beard was well
;

adapted to the part he played

cried aloud for the barber.

Archibius the doctor asked him what induced

him
a

to venture

out in that state of health.
shirk his duties, least of
all

'

Oh,' says he,
;

'

man must
if

not

a

philosopher

no matter

a thouit

sand ailments stand in
as a slight.'
'

his

way,

Eucrates would have taken
I

You're out there,'

cried

*

;

Eucrates would be
at

only too glad
of doing
jest
;

if

you would cough out your soul

home

instead

it

at his table.'

He made

as

if

he had not heard

my
Ah,
it
;

he was above such things.
his bath,

Presently in

came Eucrates
*

from

and seeing Thesmopolis (the philosopher),
'

Professor,' says he,

I

am

glad to see you here
if

;

not that
at

would have made any
I

difference, even

you had stayed

home

should have had everything sent over to you.'

And with

that

he took the philosopher's hand, and with the help of the

slaves,

n

conducted him
about
seeing
of
for

in.
:

I

thought

it

was time for

me

to be going

my

business
I

however, Eucrates turned round to me, and
looked,
' *

how glum humming and
you
;

Micyllus,' says he, after a
;

good

deal

ha'ing,

you must join us
boy to dine with

we
his a

shall find

room

I

can send
It

my

mother and the

women.'
for having

had very nearly turned out
:

wild-goose chase,

but not quite

I

walked

in, feeling

rather ashamed of myself

done the boy out of
by

his dinner.
first

We

were now to

take our places.

Thesmopolis was
five stalwart

hoisted into his, with

some

difficulty,

youths,

who propped him up
his place
else

on every side with cushions to keep him in him to hold out to the end. As no one
have him for
a

and enable
to

was disposed

neighbour, that privilege was assigned to

me

without ceremony.

And

then dinner was brought in
!

:

such

dainties, Pythagoras, such variety

and everything served on
servants, musicians, jesters.

gold or

silver.

Golden cups, smart

I

I

2
it
:

The
was delightful.

Cach
Thesmopolis, though, annoyed

—altogether,
day
I
it is

me a good deal he kept on worrying about virtue, and explaining how two negatives make one positive, and how when it is
not night
'.
'

;

among other

things,

he would have

it

that

had horns

I

wanted none

of his philosophy,
;

but on he
listen to
like.

went, quite spoiling

my

pleasure

it

was impossible to

the music and singing.
Cock.

So that

is

what the dinner was

Not much

of a one, especially with that old fool for

your neighbour.

Mi. And now
Eucrates.
childless,

for the
it

dream, which was about no other than 12
I

How

came about
his

don't know, but Eucrates was

and was on

death-bed ; he sent for

me

and made
I

his will, leaving everything to

me, and soon

after died.
silver

now

came

into the property,

and ladled out gold and
;

by the

bucketful from springs that never dried
clothes

furniture and plate,

and servants,
all

all

were mine.
all

I

drove abroad, the admira-

tion of

eyes

and the envy of

hearts, lolling in

my

carriage

behind a pair of creams, with a crowd of attendants on horseback

and on foot in front of me, and
jn Eucrates's splendid clothes,

a larger

crowd behind.
with

Dressed
a score

my

fingers loaded

or

so of rings, I ordered a magnificent feast to be prepared for the

entertainment of
there,

my

friends.
;

The

next

moment

they were
in,

it

happens so in dreams
I

dinner was brought

the wine

splashed in the cups.
in beakers of gold,

was pledging each of
biscuits

my

friends in turn
in,

and the

were just being brought
all
:

when

that unlucky crow of yours spoilt

over went the tables,

and away flew

my visionary wealth

to

all

the quarters of Heaven.
?

Had

I

not some reason to be annoyed with you

I

could have

gone on with that dream for three nights on end.
Cock. Is the love of gold so absorbing a passion
?

Gold the 13

only thing you can find to admire
sole happiness
?
'

?

The
Notes.

possession of gold the

See Puzzles

in

T^he Cock
Mi.
I

113
Why, you
yourself

am

not the only one, Pythagoras.
to

(when you were Euphorbus) used
adorned with gold and thought
silver,

go to battle with your hair

though iron would have been more
;

to the point than gold under the circumstances
differently,

however, you

and fought with
is

a

golden circlet about your
that

brow

;

which I suppose

why Homer compares your hair to
and
silver clasped.

of the Graces
in gold

No

doubt

its

charm would be
After

greatly enhanced

by the

glitter of

the interwoven gold.
friend,

all,

though, you,
;

my

golden-haired

were but the son of Panthus

one can understand your

respect for gold.

But the father
^

Cronus and Rhea himself,
of his Argive enchantress
this

Gods and men, the son of could find no surer way to the heart
of

—or

to those of her gaolers
story,

—than
point

same metal

;

you know the

how he turned
more
?

himself

into gold,

and came showering down through the roof into the
?

presence of his beloved

Need

I

say

?

Need

I

out the useful purposes that gold

serves

the

beauty and

wisdom and

strength, the

possessors, at a

honour and glory it confers on its moment's notice turning obscurity and infamy

14 into world-wide fame
craftsman, Simon,
at the Saturnalia,

You know my neighbour and fellow ? who supped with me not long since f 'Twas the day I made that pease-pudding, with the
it
?

two

slices of
I

sausage in
:

Cock.

know

the

little

snub-nosed fellow,
his

who went

off
;

with our pudding-basin under
I

arm,

— the only one we had
!

saw him with these

eyes.
stole that basin

Mi. So
his

it

VMS he who

and he swore by

all

Gods
I

that he

knew nothing
it

of

it

!

But you should have
But what

called out,

and told
did crow

me how we were
;

being plundered.

Cock.

was

all I

could do just then.
i

were you going to say about Simon
'

Uaiiae.
I

LUCIAM

III

4
1

!

1

The
He had
for
a cousin,

Cock

Mi.

Drimylus,

who was tremendously
a

rich.
;

During

his lifetime,

Drimylus never gave him
a finger

penny

and

money himself. But the other day he died, and Simon has come in for everything. No more dirty rags for him now, no more trencherno wonder,
he never laid

on

his

licking

:

he drives abroad clothed in purple and
his,

scarlet

;

slaves

and horses are

golden cups and ivory-footed

tables,

and

men prostrate themselves before him. As for me, he will not so much as look at me it was only the other day that I met Tell him, and said, Good day, Simon he flew into a rage that beggar,' he said, not to cut down my name it is Simonldes, not Simon.' And that is not all, the women are in love with
:

*

'

'

:

:

'

;


:

him

too,

and Simon

is

coy and cold

some he
will

receives graciously,

but the neglected ones declare they

hang themselves.

See

what gold can do
the poets

!

It

is

like

Aphrodite's girdle, transforming
lovely to behold.

the unsightly and making
?

them

What

say

Happy
and
again,

the hand that grasps thee, Gold

Gold hath dominion over mortal men.
But what are you laughing
neighbours
rich,

at

f

Cock. Ah, Micyllus, I see that you are no wiser than your 15
;

you have the usual mistaken notions about the
life,

whose
I

I

assure you,
:

is

far

more miserable than your

own.
poor
out

ought to know
rich

I

have tried everything, and been

man and
about

man

times out of number.

You

will find

all

it

before long.
sure, it
is

Mi. Ah, to be

your turn now.

Tell

me how you
lives

came
was

to

be changed into a cock, and what each of your

like.

Cock.
that of
yours.

Very well
all

;

and

I

may

the lives I have ever

remark, by way of preface, known none was happier than


The
Mi. Than mine
have one
like it
!

Cock
!

iif
All I say
is,

f

Exasperating fowl

may you
tell

Now

then

:

begin from Euphorbus, and

me how you came
cock.
lives
I'll

to be Pythagoras,

and

so on,
all

down

to the

warrant you have not been through
sights,

those different

without seeing some strange

and having your ad

ventures.

5 1

Cock.

How my

spirit first

proceeded from Apollo, and took
a

flight to earth,

and entered into

human

form, and what was
this

the nature of the crime thus expiated,

all

would

take too

long to

tell

;

nor

is

it

fitting either for

me

to speak of such

matters or for you to hear of them.
I

I pass to

the time

when
way
?

became Euphorbus, Mi. Wait
Cock.
a

minute

:

have

I

ever been changed in this

You have. Mi. Then who was
that.

I,

do you know

?

I

am

curious about

Cock.
species.

Why, you were an Indian

ant, of the gold-digging

Mi. What could induce me, misguided
leave that
life

insect that I was, to

without so
?

my

needs in this one

much as a grain And what am I
If it
is

of gold-dust to supply

going to be next
I'll

?

I

suppose you can
myself
stand.
this

tell

me.

anything good,

hang

moment from
I

the

very perch

on which you

jy
I

Cock.

That

can on no account divulge.
I

To resume.

When

was Euphorbus,

fought at Troy, and was slain by Menelaus.

Some time then
Pythagoras.
tion, waiting
till

elapsed before I entered into the body of
this interval, I

During

remained without a habitafor

Mnesarchus had prepared one
?

me.

Mi. What, without meat or drink
Cock.

Oh
as

yes

;

these are

mere bodily requirements.

Mi. Well,

first I will

have about the Trojan war.
i

Did

it all

happen

Homer

describes

12

:

1

1

6

The
Homer
!

Cock
know
I

Cock.

What
all

should he
the time.

of the matter
tell

?

He
com-

was a camel in Bactria

may
tall,

you that things
is

were not on such a tremendous

scale in those days as

monly supposed
beautiful.
I

:

Ajax was not so very
:

nor Helen so very

saw her

she had a fair complexion, to be sure,

and her neck was long enough to suggest her swan parentage *
but then she was such an age
see,

as

old as Hecuba, almost.

You

Theseus had carried her
at

off first,

and she had lived with

him

Aphidnae

:

now Theseus was

a

contemporary of Heracles,

and the former capture of Troy, by Heracles, had taken
place in the generation

before mine

;

my

me

all this,

remembered

seeing Heracles

father, who told when he was himself

a boy.

Mi. Well, and Achilles
people, or
is

:

was he so much better than other
?
;

that
I

all

stuff

and nonsense

Cock. Ah,

never came across Achilles
;

I

am

not very strong

on the Greeks
Patroclus

I

was on the other
:

side, of course.

There

is

one thing, though

I

made

pretty short work of his friend
spear.
still

—ran him clean through with my
settled

Mi. After which Menelaus
facility.

you with

greater

Well, that will do for Troy.
?

And when you were

Pythagoras
Cock.
a sophist
I

When
;

I
is

was Pythagoras, I was
the long and short of

— not to deceive you — ig
it.

that

At the same

time,
I

was not uncultured, not unversed in polite learning.

travelled in Egypt, cultivated the acquaintance of the priests,

and learnt wisdom from their mouths
took ship to Italy, where

;

I

penetrated into their
Isis
;

temples and mastered the sacred books of Orus and
I

finally,

made such an impression on the Greeks that they reckoned me among the Gods. and also how you were Mi. I have heard all about that
I
;

supposed to have risen from the dead, and
'

how you had

a

golden

ijfc

Heleit in No;es.


The
thigh,

Cock
a sight of it

117
on occasion.

and favoured the public with
it

But what put
and beans
?

into your head to

make that law about meat

Cock. Ah, don't ask

me

that, Micyllus.

Mi. But why not
Cock.
I

?

am ashamed
will

to answer you.
it
'
!

Mi. Come, out with
lodger
;

I

am your
'

friend

and fellow

we

drop the

master

now.
sense nor philosophy in

Cock. There was neither
that law.

common
if I

The

fact

is,

I

saw that

did just the same
;

as

other

people, I should
sidered,

draw very few admirers
in proportion

my

prestige, I con-

would be

to

my

originality.

Hence
;

these innovations, the motive of which I

wrapped up

in mystery
all

each

man was

left to

make

his

own

conjecture, that

might
!

be equally impressed by

my
it is

oracular obscurity.

There now

you are laughing

at

me

;

your turn

this time.

19

Mi. I am laughing much more at the folk of Cortona and Metapontum and Tarentum, and the rest of those mute disciples who worshipped the ground you trod on. And in what
form was your
goras
?

spirit

next clothed, after

it

had put

off

Pytha-

Cock. In that of Aspasia, the Milesian courtesan.
il/z.

Dear, dear

!

And

your

versatility

has even changed
?

sexes

?

My

gallant cock has positively laid eggs in his time
?

Pythagoras has carded and spun

Pythagoras the mistress

and the mother
he should be
Cock.
I
?

—of a Pericles
;

?

My Pythagoras
I

no better than

do not stand

alone.

had the example of Tiresias
as well as

and of Caeneus

your gibes touch them
like
?

me.

Mi. And did you
addresses of Pericles

being a

man

best, or receiving the

Cock.

Ha
!

!

the question

that Tiresias

paid so dearly for

answering

8

1 1

The
he would

Cock
he

Mi. Never mind, then,
says

—Euripides has settled the point;

rather bear the shock of battle thrice

Than once
Cock. Ah, just a

the pangs of labour.
in your ear
:

word

those pangs will shortly

be your

own
be

;

more than once,

in the course of a lengthy career,

you

will

a

woman.
!

Mi. Strangulation on the bird
from Miletus or Samos
?

Does he think we
said

all

hail

Yes,

I

Samos

;

Pythagoras has

had

his admirers,

by all accounts,
?

as

well as Aspasia.

However

\

— 20

what was your

sex next time

Cock. I was the Cynic Crates.

Mi. Castor and Pollux
Cock.
a satrap,

!

What
;

a

change was there
a

!

Then
and

it

was

a

king

then

pauper, and presently

after that
;

came
is

horse, jackdaw, frog,

and

I

know

not

how many more
is

there

no reckoning them up
I

in detail.
;

Latterly, I have been a cock several times.

liked the life

many
I

the king,

many

the pauper and millionaire, with
I

whom

took service in that capacity before

came

to you.

In your

lamentations about poverty, and your admiration of the rich,
I

find an unfailing source of entertainment
rich have to

;

little

do you know
of

what those
deceived
as

put up with

!

If

you had any idea

their anxieties,

you would laugh to think how you had been

to the blessedness of wealth.

Mi. Well, Pythagoras,
prefer
?

—or

is

there

any other name you
if I

I shall
?

throw you out, perhaps,

keep on calling you

different things

Cock.

Euphorbus or Pythagoras, Aspasia or Crates,

it is

all

the same to
stay
:

me

;

one

is

as

much my name

as

another.

Or

not to be wanting in respect to a bird whose humble

exterior contains so

many
call

souls,

you had better use the evidence
tried wellnigh

of your

own

eyes

and

me

Cock.
every kind of

Mi. Then, cock,

as

you have

The
life,

Cock

119
there was any truth in
rich.

you can next give me
;

a clear
wrill

description of the lives of rich
see
if

and poor respectively
your
21
assertion, that I

we

was better
it

off

than the

Cock. Well now, look at

this

way.

To

begin with, you are

very

little

troubled with military matters.
:

Suppose there

is

talk of

an invasion

you are under no uneasiness about the

destruction of your crops, or the cutting-up of your gardens,
or the ruin of your vines
;

at the first

sound of the trumpet
is,

(if

you even hear

it),

all

you have to think of

how

to convey

your own person out of harm's way.

Well, the rich have got

to provide for that too, and they have the mortification into

the bargain of looking on while their lands are being ravaged.
Is a

war-tax to be levied?
field,

It all falls

on them.
honour

When you
danger
:

take the

theirs are the posts of

— and

whereas you, with no worse encumbrance than your wicker
shield, are in the best of

trim for taking care of yourself

;

and

when

the time comes for the general to offer up a sacrifice of

thanksgiving for his victory, your presence

may be

relied

on

at

the festive scene,

22

Then

again, in time of peace, you, as

one of the commons,

march up

to the

Assembly to lord

it

over the rich,

who tremble

and crouch before you, and seek to propitiate you with grants.

They must
their censor

labour, that you

may be
like to

supplied with baths and
;

games and spectacles and the

your satisfaction

you are
will

and

critic,

their stern taskmaster,
;

who

not
a

always hear before condemning

nay,

you may give them

smart shower of stones,
their property.

if

the fancy takes you, or confiscate
;

The

informer's tongue has no terrors for you

no burglar

will scale or

undermine your

walls in search of gold

;

you

are not troubled with book-keeping or debt-colleciing
rascally

;

you have no

steward to wrangle with

;

none of the

thousand worries of the rich distract you. your shoe, and you take your tenpencc; and
at

No, you patch
dusk up you jun-.p

1

2o

-

The

Cock

from your bench, get a bath if you are in the humour for it, buy yourself a haddock or some sprats or a few heads of garlic, and make merry therewith Poverty, best of philosophers, is
;

your companion, and you are seldom

at a loss for a song.

And
ills

23

what
sets

is

the result

?

Health and strength, and a hardiness that

cold at defiance.

Your work keeps you keen-set

;

the

that seem insuperable to other

men

iind a

tough customer in
:

you.

Why, no
his

serious sickness ever

comes near you
again
;

fever,
let

perhaps, lays a light hand on you

now and

you

him

have

way

for a
;

day or two, and then you are up again, and

shake the pest off
of a

he beats

a hasty retreat,

not liking the look

man who

drinks cold water at that rate, and has such a
doctors.

short

way with the

But look

at the rich

:

name the

disease to

which these creatures are not subjected by their
;

intemperance

gout, consumption, pneumonia, dropsy,

—they
is

all
:

come
they

of
fly

high feeding.

Some

of

these

men

are like Icarus

too high, they get near the sun, not realizing that their
;

wings are fastened with wax
splash,

and then some day there

a great

and they have disappeared headlong into the deep.

Others there are

who
air,
;

follow Daedalus's example

;

such minds
splashing

eschew the upper
distance of the sea

and keep their wax within

these generally get safely to their journey's

end.

Mi. Shrewd,
shipwrecks.
a

sensible fellows

Cock. Yes, but

among the
is

others you

may

see

some ugly

Croesus

plucked of his feathers, and mounts

pyre for the amusement of the Persians.
is

A

tyranny capsizes,

and the lordly Dionysius
children their alphabet.

discovered

teaching Corinthian

Mi. You tell me, cock, that you have been a king yourself 24 now how did you find the life ? I expect you had a pleasant
:

time of
Cock.

it,

living

on the very

fat of

the land

.?

Do

not remind

me

of

that miserable existence.

A

The
pleasant time
it
!

Cock
:

121
I

So people thought, no doubt

knew

better

;

was vexation upon vexation.

Mi. You surprise me.
unlikely.

How

should that be

?

It sounds

Cock.

The
it

country over which
Its

I ruled

was both extensive
its

and

fertile.

population and the beauty of

cities alike

entitled
rivers

to the highest consideration.

It possessed navigable
large,

and excellent harbours.

My
my

army was

my
;

pikeit

men numerous, my
the same with
tion.

cavalry in a high state of efficiency
fleet
;

was

my

and

wealth was beyond calcula-

No

circumstance of kingly

pomp was wanting

;

gold
scale.

plate in abundance, everything
I

on the most magnificent

could not leave

my

palace without receiving the reverential

greetings of the public,

who looked on me
;

as a

God, and crowded
any detail of

together to see

me

pass

some enthusiasts would even betake
lest

themselves to the roofs of the houses,

my
but

equipage, clothes, crown or attendants should escape them.
I

could make allowance for the ignorance of
not prevent

my
I

subjects,
I

this did

me from

pitying myself,

when
was

reflected
like
:

on the vexations and worries
colossal statues, the

of

my

position.

those

work of Phidias, Myron or Praxiteles
:

they
his

too look extremely well from outside
trident,

'tis

Posidon with
:

Zeus with

his

thunderbolt,

all
?

ivory and gold

but

take a peep inside, and
bolts, nails, planks,

what have we

One

tangle of bars,

wedges, with pitch and mortar and every;

thing that

is

unsightly

not to mention a possible colony of
royalty.

rats or mice.

There you have

25

Mi. But you have not told
bolts

me what

is

the mortar, what the
a

and bars and other unsightlinesses that lurk behind
Admiration,
fit

throne.

dominion,
;

divine

honours,

—these

no

doubt
them.

your simile
let

there

is

a touch of the godlike

about

But nov/

me

have the inside of your colossus.
begin
?

Cock.

And where

shall I

With

fear

and suspicion

?

;

122
The
ties,

The
?

Cock

resentments of courtiers and the machinations of con-

spirators

Scant and broken sleep, troubled dreams, perplexi? f

forebodings

Or

again with the hurry of business

fiscal

legal

—military
all.

Orders to be issued, treaties to be drawn
?

up, estimates to be formed

As

for pleasure, such a thing

is

not to be dreamt of
cessantly for

;

no, one

man must
host
is

thint for

all,

toil in:

The Achaean

snoring to a

man

Who

But sweet sleep came not nigh to Atreus' son, pondered many things within his heart.
is

Lydian Croesus

troubled because his son

is

dumb
;

;

Persian

Artaxerxes, because

Clearchus

is

raising

a

host for Cyrus

Dionysius, because

Dion whispers
praised.

in Syracusan ears

Alexander,

because Parmenio

is

Perdiccas has no peace for Ptolemy,

Ptolemy none
these
is
:

for Seleucus.
is

And
his

there are other griefs than
;

his favourite

cold

;

concubine loves another

there

talk of a rebellion his guards.

;

there has been muttering

among

a half-

dozen of

And

the bitterness of

it is,

that his nearest

and dearest are those

whom
his

he

is

most

called

on to

distrust

from them he must ever look

for

harm.
;

One we
and

see poisoned

by

his son, another

by

own

favourite

a third will

prob-

ably fare no better.

Mi.

Whew
;

!

I

like

not

this,

my

cock.

Methinks there

is

26

safety in bent backs

and leather-cutting, and none in golden
pledge no

loving-cups

I will

man

in

hemlock or in aconite.
of the line, kings

All / have to fear

is

that

and draw

a

drop or two

my knife may slip out from my fingers but your
:

would
lives

seem to

sit

down

to dinner with Death,

and to lead dogs'
such a one

into the bargain.
like

They go

at last
else

;

and then they are more
like
as

play-actors

than anything

you

may see taking the part of Cecroj^s or He has his diadem and his ivory-hilted
and spangled cloak
:

Sisyphus or Telephus.

sword, his waving hair

but accidents

will

happen,

— suppose

he


The
makes
a false step
:

Cock

123
the middle of the stage,

down he comes on
roars

and the audience

with laughter.
all,

For there

is

his

mask,

crumpled up, diadem and
showing underneath
it
;

and

his

own bloody coxcomb
and

his legs are laid bare to the knees,

you

see the dirty rags inside his fine robe,

and the great lumberlearnt to turn a simile

ing buskins.
already
?

Ha, ha, friend cock, have

I

Well, there are

my

views on tyranny.
:

Now

for the

horses and dogs and frogs and fishes
of thing
?

how

did you like that kind

27

Your question would take a long time to answer more time than we can spare. But to sum up my experience in two words every one of these creatures has an easier life of
Cock.
;

it

than man.
:

Their aims, their wants, are
as a

all

confined to the

body
a

such a thing
sophist, a

tax-farming horse or a litigant frog,
a

jackdaw
;

gnat confectioner, or

cock pander,

is

unknown
28

they leave such things to humanity.

Mi.

It

may be
I

as

you

say.

But, cock

(I

don't

mind making

a clean breast of it to you), I

have had
as ever
;

a

fancy

all

my
;

life

for
is

being rich, and
the dream,
still

am

as

bad
its
it

nay, worse, for there

flaunting
too,

gold before

my

eyes

and that
rolling

confounded Simon,
in luxury.

chokes

me
still

to think of

him

Cock.

I'll

put

tiiat right.

It

is

dark, get

up and come

with me.

You shall pay a visit to Simon and other rich men, and see how things stand with them. Mi. But the doors are locked. Would you have me break
in?
Cock. Oh no but I have a my patron you see my longest
;
:

certain privilege

from Hermes,
one that

tail-feather, the curling

hangs down,

Mi. There
Cock.

are

two curling ones that hang down.
the right.
it,

The one on

out that feather and carry

I

give

By allowing any one to pluck him the power, for as long

124
as I like, of

The
opening
all

Cock

doors and seeing everything, himself

unseen.
Ali.

Cock, 70U are a positive conjurer.

Only give me the
shifts its

feather,

and

it shall

not be long before Simon's wealth

quarters;

I'll slip

in

and make a clean sweep.

His teeth

shall

tug leather again.
Cock.

That must not
if

be.
is

I

have

my

instructions
I

from

Hermes, and
call

my

feather

put to any such purpose,

am

to

out and expose the offender.
all

Mi. Hermes, of
I'll

people, grudge a

man
it.

a little thievery
;

?

not believe

it

of him.

However,
if I

let us start

I

promise

not to touch the gold ...
Cock.

can help

You must

pluck out the feather
!

first. ..

.

What's

this ?

You have

taken both

Mi. Better to be on the
Cock. Well.

safe side.

And

it

would look
Simon's

so

bad

to have one half of your tail

gone and not the other.

Where
Simon

shall
first.

we go

first ?

To
it is,

?
;

29

Mi. Yes,
syllables
is

yes,

Simonides

nowadays

two
.
.

not enough for him since he has come into money.
;

.

Here we Mi.
sitting

are

what do

I

do next

?

Cock. Apply the feather to the bolt.
So.

Heracles
in
;

!

it

might be
first.

a

key

;

the door
see

flies
?

open.

Cock.

Walk

you go

Do

you

him

He
!

is

up over

his accounts.
!

Mi. See him

I

should think

lamp wants
shrivelled

a drink.

What a I did. And what makes Simon so
That comes
I

light

That

pale
;

?

He
there

is

up to nothing.

of his worries

is

nothing

else

the matter with him, that

have heard

of.

Cock. Listen, and you will understand.
Si.

That seventeen thousand
enough
;

in the hole

under

my
I

bed

is

safe

not a soul saw

me

that time.

But

believe
:

Sosylus caught

me

hiding the four thousand under the manger

he

is

not the most industrious of grooms, he was never too fond

;

The
of work
;

Cock
now.

i2f
And I expect that is What was Tibius doing And they tell me he ?
they're flinging about.
:

but he

lives in that stable

not

all

that has gone, by a long way.

with those fine great kippers yesterday
paid no
his wife.
less a

sum than
help me,
all

four shillings for a pair of earrings for
it's

God

my money

I'm not easy about

that plate either

what
with

if

some one
?

should knock a hole in the wall, and make
is

off

it
;

Many
neigh-

the one that envies me, and has an eye on
is

my gold
;

my

bour Micyllus

as
!

bad

as
is

any of them.
as

Mi. Hear, hear
Cock.
Si.

He
shall

bad

as

Simon

he walks

off

with

other people's pudding-basins under his arm.

Hush

!

we

be caught.
sitting up,

There's nothing

like
I'll
!

and having everything
rounds.
.
.

under one's own eye.

jump up and go my
I see

.

You
all is

there
well.

!

you burglar
I'll

you.

.

.

.

Ah,

it is it

but
;

a post
I I

pull

up the gold and count
. .
.

again
!

may
knew

have missed something just now.
it
;

Hark

!

a step

he

is

upon me

!

I

am

beset with enemies.
is

The world
Only
let

conspires against me.

Where

my

dagger

?

me

catch
30

.

.

.

I'll
:

put the gold back.

Cock. There

now you have

seen

Simon
is

at

home.

Let us

go on to another house, while there
left.

still

some

of the night

Mi. The worm
wealth
ready.
Si.

!

what

a life

!

I

wish

all

my
ear,

enemies such

as his.

I'll

just lend

him

a

box on the

and then

I

am
am
as

Who
!

was that

?

Some one
sit
I

struck

me

!

Ah
till

!

I

robbed

Mi. Whine away, Simon, and
yellow
as

up

of nights
like to

you are

the gold you clutch.
;

should
.

go to Gniphon

the usurer's next
to us.
31

it is

quite close.

.

.

Again the door opens
an anxious time

Cock.

He

is

sitting

up

too, look.

It

is

v/ith

126
him
;

The
he
is

Cock
His, fingers are
all

reckoning his interest.

worn

to the
a

bone.

Presently he will have to leave

this,

and become

cockroach, or a gnat, or a bluebottle.

Mi.
worse.

Senseless

brute

!

it
is

will

hardly be a change for the

He,

like

Simon,

pretty well thinned
else.
?

down by

his

calculations.

Let us try some one
let us

Cock.

What about your
;

friend Eucratcs

See,

the door

stands open

go

in.

Mi.
bate

An

hour ago,

all this

was mine
!

!

Cock.
:

Still

the golden dream
his
!

—Look
!

at the

hoary old repro-

with one of

Mi. Monstrous
takes her

own And

slaves
his

wife

is

not

much

better

;

she

paramour from the kitchen.
?

Cock. Well

Is

the inheritance to your liking

?

Will you
^^

have

it all ?

Mi.

I will starve first.

Good-bye
servants,

to gold

and high

living.

Preserve

me from my own

and

I will call

myself rich

on twopence-halfpenny.
Cock. Well, well,

we must be

getting

home

;

see, it

is

just

dawn.

The

rest

must wait

for another day.

F.

ICAROMENIPPUS, AN AERIAL EXPEDITION
Menippus and a Friend

Me. Let me see, now. First stage. Earth to Moon, 350 miles. Then the third, to stage, up to the Sun, 500 leagues. the actual Heaven and Zeus's citadel, might be put at a day's
Second
journey for an eagle in light marching order.
Fr. In the

name

of

goodness, Menippus, what

are these
i

astronomical sums you are doing under your breath

I

have

Icaromenippus^ an Aerial Expedition

127

been dogging you for some time, listening to your suns and

moons, queerly mixed up with
leagues.

common
if

earthly stages and

Me. Ah, you must not be
exalted and ethereal
;

surprised

my

talk

is

rather

I

was making out the mileage of

my
?

journey.
Ft. Oh, Me, Oh
I see
;

using stars to steer by, like the Phoenicians

no, travelling

among them.
it

Ft. Well, to be sure,

must have been

a longish

dream,

if

you
2

lost yourself in it for

whole leagues.
\

Me. Dream,
Zeus.
Ft.

my

good man
!

I

am

just

come

straight

from

Dream, indeed

How
?

?

What
;

?

Our Menippus
I

a literal

godsend from

Heaven Me.

'Tis even so

from very Zeus

come
if

this day, eyes
will.

and

ears yet full of wonders.

Oh, doubt,
it

you

That my
I,
*

fortune should pass belief makes
Ft. Nay,

only the more gratifying.

my
*

worshipful Olympian,

how

should

a

man

begotten, treading this poor earth,' doubt
the clouds, a
safe to tell

him who transcends
says
?

denizen of Heaven,'

as

Homer

But vouch-

me how you were
ladder.

uplifted,

and where you got your

mighty

tall

There

is

hardly enough of
off

Ganymede

in
for

your looks to suggest that you were carried
a cupbearer.

by the eagle
Well,
it is

Me.

I see

you are bent on making
;

a jest of

it.

it is

extraordinary
a romance. eagle
;

you could not be expected to
fact
is,

see that

not

The

I

needed neither ladder nor amorous

I

had wings of

my

own.
!

Ft. Stranger and stranger

this beats
sly
;

Daedalus.
?

What, you

turned into

a

hawk
that
is

or a

crow on the

Me.

Now
I

not a bad shot

it

was Daedalus's wing

trick that

tried.
talk

3

Fr. Well,

of foolhardiness

!

did you

like

the idea of

128

Icaromenippus^ an Aerial Expedition
and giving us
?

falling into the sea,

a

Mare Meni-pfeum

after the

precedent of the Icavium

Me.

No

fear.

Icarus's feathers

were fastened with wax, and
this,

of course, directly the sun

warmed
?

he moulted and

fell.

No wax
Fr.

for

me, thank you.
did you manage, then
if

How

I declare I shall

be believ-

ing you soon,

you go on

like this.

Me. Well,
ful vulture,

I

caught a fine eagle, and
off their

also a particularly

power.

and cut

wings above the shoulder-joint.

.

.

But no

;

if

you

are not in a hurry, I

may

as well give

you the

enterprise
Fr.

from the beginning.
;

Do, do

I

am

rapt aloft by your words already,
;

mouth open
Me.
with

for

your bonne bouche

as

you love me, leave
!

my me
4

not in those upper regions hung up by the ears
Listen, then
;

it

would be
sus.

a sorry sight, a friend deserted,

his

mouth open, and
life

fer aures.

Well, a very short

survey of

had convinced
was

me
all

of the absurdity and meanness
objects, such as wealth,

and insecurity that pervade
office,

human
all

power.

I

filled

with contempt for them, realized
to lose

that to care for
care,

them was
Here
I

chance of what deserved
fix

and determined to grovel no more, but
found
;

my
in
it

gaze upon

the great All.

my
I
its

first

problem
tell

what wise

men
But

call

the universal order
it,

could not

how

came
its

into

being,

who made

what was

beginning, or what

end.

my

next step, which was the examination of details, landed
I

me

in yet worse perplexity.

found the

stars

dotted quite

casually about the sky,

and

I

wanted to know what the sun was.
of the

Especially the

phenomena

moon
many

struck
;

me

as

extra-

ordinary, and quite passed

my

comprehension

there must be

some mystery

to account for those

phases, I conjectured.
as

Nor could
snow and

I feel

any greater certainty about such things

the

passage of lightning, the roll of thunder, the descent of rain and
hail.

Icaromenippus^ an Aerial Expedition
5

129
they of

In

this state of
it all

mind, the best

I

could think of was to get at
;

the truth of

from the people called philosophers
it

course would be able to give

me.

So

I

selected the best of

them,

if

solemnity of visage, pallor of complexion and length

of beard are any criterion

for there could not

be

a

moment's

doubt

of their soaring

words and heaven-high thoughts For
a considerable

— and
me
in

in their hands I placed myself.

sum down,

and more to be paid when they should have perfected
wisdom,
I

was to be made an airy metaphysician and instructed
Unfortunately, so far from dis-

in the order of the universe.
pelling

my

previous ignorance, they perplexed

me more and

more, with their daily drenches of beginnings and ends, atoms

and

voids, matters

and forms.

My

greatest difficulty was that,
all

though they differed among themselves, and
full of

they said was

inconsistency and contradiction, they expected

me

to

believe them, each pulling

me

in his

own

direction.
facts,

Fr.

How

absurd that wise

men

should quarrel about
!

and hold
6

different opinions

on the same things
till

Me. Ah, but keep your laughter
are
*

you have heard something

of their pretentious mystifications.

To

begin with, their feet

on the ground

;

they are no
'
;

taller

than the

rest of us

men

that walk the earth

they are no sharper-sighted than
indeed, with age or
limits of

their neighbours,

some

of

them purblind,

indolence

;

and yet they say they can distinguish the and specify the
fallen

the sky, they measure the sun's circumference, take their walks
in the supra-lunar regions,
sizes

and shapes of
;

the stars
of

as

though they had
tell

from them

often one

them could not

you correctly the number of miles from no hesitation about the distance
in
is,

Megara
feet

to Athens, but has

from the sun to the moon.
the sea,
all

How

high the atmosphere

how deep
some

how
;

far it

is

round the earth

—they have the

figures for

that

and moreover, they have only to draw
K

circles,
III

arrange a few triangles and squares, add certain

LUCIAM

130
Heaven.

Icaromenippus^ an Aerial Expedition
lo,

complicated spheres, and

they have the cubic contents of

so debatable, to issue their views

Then, how reasonable and modest of them, dealing with subjects 7 without a hint of uncertainty;
it

thus

must be and it
tell

shall

be; contra gentesth.&ywi'\S!i have
is

it

so;

they vsdll

you on oath the sun

a

molten mass, the moon in-

habited, and the stars water-drinkers, moisture being drawn up by

the sun's rope and bucket and equitably distributed

among them.
;

How

their
?

theories

conflict

is

soon
apart.

apparent

next-door 8
first

neighbours

no, they are miles

In the
it

place,

their views of the

world

differ.

Some

say
its

had no beginning,
that these latter

and cannot end
cedure
set
;

;

others boldly talk of

creator and his pro-

what

particularly entertained

me was
fail

up

a contriver of

the universe, but

to

mention where
his elaborate

he came from, or what he stood on while about
task,

though

it is

by no means obvious how there could be place

or time before the universe
Fr.

came

into being.

You

really

do make them out very audacious conjurers.
I

Me.
tions

My

dear fellow,

wish

I

could give you their lucubrafinite
;

on ideas and incorporeals, on
is

and

infinite.

Over that
All,

point, now, there

fierce battle

some circumscribe the

others will have

it

unlimited.

At the same time they
is

declare

for a plurality of worlds,

and speak scornfully of others who
a

make only one.
tains that

And
I

there

bellicose person
*.

who mainFor 9
geese
attri-

war

is

the father of the universe

As to Gods,

need hardly deal with that question.

some

of

them God
".

and plane-trees
*

number some swear by dogs and Some again banish all other Gods, and
is

a

;

Variously attributed to Heraclitus,
insists that
all all

who

denies the possibility of repose,
;

and

things are in a state of flux

and to Empedocles, who
ot

makes
*

change and becoming depend
and repulsion.

on the interaction

the

two

principles, attraction

Socrates

made

a practice of substituting these for the

names of Gods

in his oaths.


Icaromenippus^ an Aerial Expedition
bute the control of the universe to a single one
depressed on learning
;

\ 3 i

I

got rather

how

small the supply of divinity was.

But

I

was comforted by the lavish souls
classify
;

who

not only make

many, but

there was a First

God, and second and

third classes of divinity.

Yet

again,

some regard the divine
disposed to recognize
all
;

nature
it as a

as

unsubstantial and without form, while others conceive

substance.
;

Then

they were not

all

a Providence

some

relieve the

Gods

of

care, as

we

relieve

the superannuated of their civic duties

in

fact,

they treat
last step

them
is

exactly like supernumeraries

on the

stage.

The
all,

also taken, of saying that

Gods do not
this,

exist at

and leaving

the world to drift along without a master or a guiding hand.
10
Well,

when

I

heard

all

I

dared not disbelieve people

whose
I

voices

and beards were equally suggestive of Zeus.
to turn for a theory tliat

But

knew not where
I

was not open to

exception, nor combated by one as soon as

propounded by
has described
;

another.

found myself
I

in the state

Homer

many

a

time
;

would vigorously

start believing

one of these

gentlemen So

But then came second thoughts.
in

my

distress I

began to despair of ever getting any know;

ledge about these things on earth

the only possible escape

from perplexity would be to take to myself wings and go up to
Heaven.
Partly the wish was father to the thought
it
;

but

it

was confirmed by Aesop's Fables, from which

appears that

Heaven
It

is

accessible to eagles, beetles,

and sometimes camels.

was pretty

clear that I could not possibly develop feathers

of

my

own.

But

if I

were to wear vulture's or
a

eagle's

wings

the only kinds equal to
succeed.
I

man's weight

I

might perhaps

caught the birds, and effectually amputated the

eagle's right,

and the vulture's

left

wing.

Tliesc

I

fastened

together, attached
straps,

them

to

and provided grips

my shoulders with broad thick for my hands near the end of the

132

Icaromenippus^
Then
I

ati

Aerial Expedition
first

quill-feathers.

made experiments,

jumping up

and helping the jump by flapping

my

hands, or imitating the

way
next

a goose raises itself

without leaving the ground and comFinding the machine obedient,
I

bines running with flight.

made

a

bolder venture, went up the Acropolis, and launched
cliff

myself from the

right over the theatre.

Getting

safely to the
I

bottom that time,

my

aspirations shot 11

up

aloft.

took to starting from Parnes or Hymettus, flying to

Geranea, thence to the top of the Acrocorinthus, and over

Pholoe and Erymanthus to Taygetus.
venture was
equal to

The

training for

my

now complete

;

my

powers were developed, and
essays for

a lofty flight;

no more fledgeling

me.

I

went

up Olympus, provisioning myself

as lightly as possible.
first

The

moment was come
I
I

;

I

soared skywards, giddy at

with that

great void below, but soon conquering this difficulty.

When

approached the Moon, long after parting from the clouds,
was conscious of fatigue, especially in the
left or vulture's

wing.

So

I

alighted and sat
like

down

to rest, having a bird's-eye

view of the Earth,

the Homeric Zeus,

Surveying now the Thracian horsemen's land. Now Mysia,

and

again, as the fancy took
all

me, Greece or Persia or India.

From
Fr.

which
well,

I

drew

a manifold delight.
tell

Oh

Menippus,

me

all

about

it.
;

I

do not want

to miss a single one of your travel experiences

if

you picked
I

up any

stray information, let

me

have that too.

promise

myself a great

many
it

facts

about the shape of the Earth, and

how

everything on

looked to you from your point of vantage.

Me. And you

will

not be disappointed there, friend.

So do

your best to get up to the Moon, with

my

story for travelling

companion and showman
Imagine yourself
the
first

of the terrestrial scene.

descrying a tiny Earth, far smaller than 11

Moon

looks

;

on turning

my

eyes

down,

I

could not think

;

Icaromenippus^ an Aerial Expedition
for

133

some time what had become
If I I assure

of our

mighty mountains and

vast sea.

had not caught sight of the Colossus of Rhodes you
I

and the Pharus tower,
out the Earth at
faint
all.

should never have

made

But

their height

and projection, with the
it

shimmer
I

of

Ocean
at.

in the sun,

showed me
I

must be the

Earth

was looking

Then, when once

had got

my

sight

properly focused, the whole

human

race was clear to me, not
cities,

merely in the shape of nations and
sailing,

but the individuals,
;

fighting,

ploughing, going to law
*

the

women, the

beasts,

and

in short every breed

that feedeth on earth's foison.'
contradictory.

Fr.

Most unconvincing and
for the Earth,
it

Just

now you

were searching

was so diminished by distance,
it,

and

if

the Colossus had not betrayed

you would have taken
a

it for

something

else

;

and now you develop suddenly into
it,

Lynceus, and distinguish everything upon
beasts,

the men, the
Explain, please.
essential

one might almost say the gnat-swarms.
to be sure
I
!

13

Me. Why,
a particular
?

how did I come to leave out so
see,

had made out the Earth, you
;

but could not

distinguish any details

the distance was so great, quite beyond
;

the scope of

my

vision

so I

was much chagrined and

baffled.

At

this

moment

of depression

I

was very near

tears

—who
?

should come up behind

me

but Empedocles the physicist
if

His

complexion was
been baked.
si':;ht
*

like

charcoal variegated with ashes, as

he had
at the said
:

I will

not deny that

I

felt

some tremors
spirit.

of him, taking

him

for

some lunar

But he

Do

not be afraid, Menippus

A
I

mortal

I,

no

God

;

how

vain thy dreams.
I

am Empedocles
I live in

the physicist.

When

threw myself into the
oft

crater in such a hurry, the

smoke of Etna whirled me

up here

;

and now

the

on

a diet of
;

dew.

Moon, doing a good deal of high thinking So I have come to help you out of your
it,

difHculty

you are

distressed, I take

at not being able to see

134

Icaromefiippus^

an Aerial Expedition
'

everything on the Earth.'

Thank you
as

so

much, you good

Empedocles,'

I

said

'
;

as

soon

my

wings have brought

me
up

back to Greece,

I will

remember
'

to pour libations to you
first

the chimney, and salute you on the
three
plied,

of every

month with
he re-

moonward
'

yawns.'

Endymion be my
a bargain
;

witness,'

I

had no thought of such
'

I

was touched by
think
is

the sight of your distress.
to sharpen your sight
'

Now, what do you

the

way

?

I

have no

idea, unless
;

me do without me
eyes for
is

my

the sight seems quite bleared.'
;

you were to remove the mist from \\ Oh, you can
'

the thing that gives sharp sight you have
'

brought with you from Earth.'
it
?
' '

Unconsciously, then

;

what

wing

? '

Why, you know that you have on an eagle's right 'Of course I do but what have wings and eyes to
;

do with one another

?

'

'

Only

this,'

he said

' ;

the eagle

is

far

the strongest-eyed of

all
;

living things, the only

one that can
is,

look straight at the sun
his
I

the test of the true royal eagle
'

meeting
I

its

rays

without blinking.'

So

I

have heard

;

wish

had taken out
here, not

my own
I

eyes

when

I

was

starting,

and substituted the

eagle's.

am

an imperfect specimen
all,

now

I

am

up
'

to the royal standard at

but

like

the rejected bastards.'
royal eye.
If

Well, you can very soon acquire one

you

will stand

up

for a minute, keep the vulture
eye, corresponding to

wing

still,

and work the other, your right

that wing, will gain strength.

As

for the other, its

dimness

cannot possibly be obviated,
'

as it

belongs to the inferior member.'

Oh,

I shall

be quite content with aquiline vision for the right
said
'

eye only,'

I

;

I

have often observed that carpenters in

ruling their

wood

find one better than two.'

So saying,

I

pro-

ceeded to carry out

my instructions

at once.

Empedocles began
a flood of light en- 15

gradually to disappear, and at last vanished in smoke.
I

had no sooner flapped the wing than
I

veloped me, and things that before

had not even been aware

Icaromenippus^ an Aerial Expeditiof?
of

i 3

f

became perfectly

clear.

I

turned

my

eyes
all

down

earthwards,

and with ease discerned

cities,

men, and

that was going on,

not merely in the open, but in the fancied security of houses.

There was Ptolemy
plotting
signs to his

in his sister's arms, the son of

Lysimachus

against his father, Seleucus's son Antiochus

making

step-mother Stratonice, Alexander of Pherae being
his wife,

murdered by

Antigonus corrupting

his

daughter-in;

law, the son of Attains putting the poison in his cup

Arsaces

was in the act of slaying

his mistress,
;

while the eunuch Arbaces

drew
the
his

his

sword upon him

the guards were dragging Spatinus

Mede

out from the banquet by the foot, with the lump on
Similar sights were to be seen

brow from the golden cup.

in the palaces of

Libya and Scythia and Thrace

adulteries,

murders, treasons, robberies, perjuries, suspicions, and monstrous
betrayals.

16

Such was the entertainment afforded me by royalty; private
life

was

much more amusing

;

for I could

make that out

too.

I

saw Hermodorus the Epicurean perjuring himself for £\o,
his fees,

Agathocles the Stoic suing a pupil for
stealing a

lawyer Clinias

bowl from the temple of Asclepius, and Herophilus
a brothel.

the cynic sleeping in

Not
;

to

mention the multitude
it

of burglars, litigants, usurers, duns
tive

oh,

was

a fine representa-

show

!

Fr. I must say, Menippus, I should have hked the details

here too

;

it all

seems to have been very

much

to your taste.

Me.
you
;

I

could not go through the whole of
it

it,

even to please

to take

in with the eyes kept

one busy.
gives

But the main
shield of

divisions

were very much what Homer
:

from the

Achilles

here

councils, in

mourning.

and marriages, there courts and another compartment a sacrifice, and hard by a If I glanced at Getica, I would see the Getae at
junketings

war

;

at Scythia, there

were the Scythians wandering about on

their waggons; half a turn in another direction gave

me Egyp-

1

3

^

IcarometiipptiSy

an Aerial Expedition

tians at the plough, or Phoenicians chaffering, Cilician pirates,

Spartan

flagellants,

Athenians at law.

All this was simultaneous, try to conceive
a

you understand
it all

;

and you must 17
It

what

a

queer jumble

made.

was

as if
',

man were to collect a number of choris ters, or rather of choruses
tell

and then

each individual to disregard the others and start

a strain of his

own
his
?

;

if

each did his best, went his

own way, and

tried to
effect

drown

neighbour, can you imagine what the musical

would be

Fr.

A
is

very ridiculous confusion.
friend, such are the earthly dancers
;

Mg. Well,

the

life

of

man

just such a discordant

performance

;

not only are the

voices jangled,

but the steps are not uniform, the motions not

concerted, the objects not agreed
dismisses

upon until the impresario them one by one from the stage, with a not wanted.'
'

Then
show

they are

all

alike,

and quiet enough, confounding no

longer their undisciplined rival strains.
lasts in its
its

But
is

as

long

as

the

marvellous diversity, there

plenty of food for

laughter in

vagaries.

The

people

who most amused me,

however, were those

who

18

dispute about boundaries, or pride themselves on cultivating
the plain of Sicyon, or holding the or a thousand acres at Acharnae.
I

Ocnoe

side of

Marathon,

The whole
So
I

of Greece, as
;

then saw

it,

might measure some four inches
realized

how much
sort of

smaller Athens on the same scale.
sized
basis

what

for

their

pride remains to our rich men.
all,

The

widest-acred of them

methought, was the proud cultivator
I

of an Epicurean atom. eyes
fell
it

Then

looked at the Peloponnese,

my

on the Cynurian

district,

and the thought occurred

that

was
that

for this little plot,
all

no broader than an Egyptian
fell

lentil,

those Argives and Spartans

in a single day.

Or

if I

saw
^

a

man

puffed up by the possession of seven or eight
chorus combined singing with dancing.

The Greek

Icaromenippus^ an j4erial Expedition
gold rings and half
as

I'i^i

many

gold cups, again
all its

my

lungs would

begin to crow
size of a

;

why, Pangaeus with

mines was about the

grain of millet.
! !

19

lucky man And what a rare sight you had how big, now, did the towns and the people look from there ? Me. You must often have seen a community of ants, some of them a seething mass, some going abroad, others coming back to town. One is a scavenger, another a bustling porter loaded with a bit of bean-pod or half a wheat grain. They no doubt
Ft.

You

have, on their modest myrmecic scale,
politicians, their magistrates

their

architects

and

and composers and philosophers.

At any rate, what men and cities suggested to me was just so many ant-hills. If you think the similitude too disparaging,
look into the Thessalian legends, and you will find that the most
warlike tribe there was the

Myrmidons, or ants turned men.
of contemplation

Well,

when

I

had had enough
and soared

and laughter,

I roused myself

To
20
I

join the

Gods, where dwells the Lord of storms.
a

had only flown

couple of hundred yards,

when

Selene's

feminine voice reached
Zeus, and
to
'

me
a

* :

Menippus, do

I will
it,' I

wish you
said,
'

pleasant journey.'
it
is

me an You
'

errand to

have only

name
is

provided

not something to carry.'
I

It

a

simple message of entreaty to Zeus.

am

tired to death,
;

you must know, of being slandered by these philosophers

they

have no better occupation than impertinent curiosity about

me —What am
I

I ?

how

big

am
;

I ?

why am

I lialved

?

why am
the last

gibbous
;

?

I

am

inhabited

I

am

just a mirror

hung over the
It
is

sea

I

am

—whatever their
say

latest fancy suggests.
is

straw
sun,

when they

my light

stolen,

sham, imported from the

and keep on doing

their best to get
sister.

up jealousy and
red-hot lump.

ill

feeling

between brother and

They might have been

contented with making him out

a stone or a

;

138

Icaromenippus^ an Aerial Expedition
who
in the day look so stern

'These gentry
so gravely,

and manly,

dress 21

and are

so revered
I

by

common men, would
of their vile nightly

be sur-

prised to learn
tions.
I

how much
all,

know
I

abomina-

see

them

though

never tell;

it

would be too

indecent to make revelations, and show up the contrast between
their nightly doings

and

their public performances

;

so,

if

I

catch one of adventure,
I

them
pull

in adultery or theft or other nocturnal

my

cloud

veil

over

me

;

I

do not want the

vulgar to see old
virtuous calling.

men

disgracing their long beards and their

But they go on giving tongue and worrying

me
a

all

the same, and, so help
a long,

me

Night,

I

have thought many

time of going

tinent tongues.

Will
I

way off, out of reach of their imperyou remember to tell Zeus all this ? and
long

you may add that

cannot remain at

my

post unless he will

pulverize the physicists, muzzle the logicians, raze the Porch,

burn the Academy, and put an end to
remember,' said

strolling in the

Lyceum.
flight

That might secure me a little peace from these daily mensurations.'
'

I will

I,

and resumed

my upward

22

to Heaven, through

A
For the

region where nor ox nor

man had wrought.
with the Earth

Moon

was soon but

a small object,

entirely hidden
stars,

behind

it.

Three

days'

flight

through the

with the Sun on
;

my

right hand, brought

me

close to
I

Heaven
I

and

my

first

idea was to go straight in as

was
;

should easily pass unobserved in virtue of

my

half-eagleship

for of course the eagle

was Zeus's familiar

;

on second thoughts,
So,

though,
thinking

my
it

vulture wing would very soon betray me.
risks,

better not to run any

I

went up

to the door
off

and knocked.
was

Hermes opened, took my name, and hurried
After a brief wait
I

to inform Zeus.
I

was asked to step
I

in

;

now trembling with apprehension, and Gods, who were all seated together, were not

found that the

quite easy them-


Icaromenippus^ an Aerial Expedition
selves.

139
arriving

The unexpected
heels

nature of the

visit
all

was

slightly dis

turbing to them, and they had visions of
at

mankind

my

by the same conveyance,
a Titanic glance,
av^^ful,

23

But Zeus bent upon me and spoke
:

penetrating,

Who

art

thou

?

vv'here

thy city

?

who

thy kin

?

At the sound, I nearly died of fear, but remained upright, though mute and paralysed by that thunderous voice. I
gradually recovered, began at the beginning, and gave a clear

account of myself

—how
to

I

had been possessed with curiosity

about the heavens, had gone to the philosophers, found their
accounts conflicting, and grown tired of being logically rent in

twain
to

;

so I
;

came
I

my

great idea,
Selene's
*

my

wings, and ultimately

Heaven
* ;

added
his
is

message.
of

Zeus smiled

and
'

slightly

unbent
here

brow.

What

Otus and Ephialtes now

?

he said

Menippus

scaling

Heaven

!

Well, well, for
will treat

to-day consider yourself our guest.

To-morrow we

with you of your business, and send you on your way.'

And

therewith he rose and walked to the acoustic centre of Heaven,
it

being prayer time.

24

me about earthly aflfairs, What was wlieat a quarter in Greece ? had we suffered much from cold last winter ? and did the vegetables want more rain ? Then he wished to know whether any of Phidias's kin were alive, why there had been no Diasia at Athens
As he went, he put questions to
beginning with.
all

these years, whether his

Olympicum was
his

ever going to be

completed, and had the robbers of

temple at Dodona been
:

caught
'

?

I

answered

all

these questions, and he proceeded

Tell me, Menippus, what are men's feelings towards

me

'

?

*

What
said
;

should they be, Lord, but those of absolute reverence,
all

as to

the King of
'

Gods

? '

'

Now, now,

chaffing as usual,'

he

I

know their

fickleness very well, for all

your dissimula-

;

;

140
tion.

IcaromenhpuSj an Aerial Expedition
There was
all,

a

time when

I

was their prophet, their healer,

and their

And Zeus
I

filled

every street and gathering-place.

In those days Dodona and Pisa were glorious and far-famed, and
could not get
a

view for the clouds of

sacrificial

steam.

But
their

now Apollo
of health at
shrines
in

has set

up

his oracle at Delphi, Asclepius his

temple

Pergamum, Bendis and Anubis and Artemis
;

Thrace, Egypt, Ephesus

and to these
As

all

run

theirs the festal gatherings
I

and the hecatombs.

for

me,
if

am

superannuated

;

they think themselves very generous

they offer

me

a victim at

Olympia

at four-year intervals.

My
listen 25

altars are cold as Plato's

Laws
a

or Chrysippus's Syllogisms.''
sit

So

talking,

we

reached the spot where he was to

and

to the prayers.
covers,
first,

There was

row

of openings with lids like well-

and

a chair of

gold by each.

Zeus took

his seat at

the

lifted off the lid

and inclined

his ear.

From

every quarter

of Earth
petitions
;

were coming the most various and contradictory
for I too bent
*

down my head and
I
'
!

listened.
!

Here
Zeus,

are specimens.

O
!

Zeus, that

might be king
*

'

'

O
a

that

my

onions and garlic might thrive

Ye Gods,
I

speedy

death for
to

my

father

'

Or
'
!

again,
*

*

Would

that

might succeed

my
an

wife's property

Grant that
'

brother be not detected.'

Let

my plot against my me win my suit.' Give
'

me
a

Olympic

garland.'

north, another for a

Of those at sea, one prayed for south wind the farmer asked for rain,
;

the fuller for sun.

Zeus

listened,

and gave each prayer careful

consideration, but without promising to grant

them

all

Our Father

this

bestowed, and that withheld.

Righteous prayers he allowed to come up through the hole,
received and laid

them down
a

at his right, while

he sent the

unholy ones packing with

downward

puff of breath, that

Heaven might not be denied by

their entrance.

In one case

Icaromenippus^ an Aerial Expedition
I

141
and

saw him puzzled

;

two men praying
sacrifices,

for opposite things
tell

promising the same

he could not

which of them
of judge-

to favour, and experienced a truly

Academic suspense

ment, showing a reserve and equilibrium worthy of Pyrrho
himself.

26

The

prayers disposed of, he went on to the next chair and

opening, and attended to oaths and their takers.
with, and

These done
and

Hermodorus the Epicurean

annihilated, he proceeded

to the next chair to deal with omens, prophetic voices,

auguries.

Then came
it

the turn of the sacrifice aperture, through

which the smolce came up and communicated to Zeus the name
of the devotee
his

represented.

After that, he was free to give
a

wind and weather orders:

— Rain for Scythia to-day,
The north wind he
hail to

thunder-

storm for Libya, snow for Greece.

instructed

to blow in Lydia, the west to raise a storm in the Adriatic, the

south to take

a rest

;

a

thousand bushels of

be distributed

over Cappadocia.

27

now pretty well completed, and as it was just we went to the banquet hall. Hermes received me, and gave me my place next to a group of Gods whose alien origin left them in a rather doubtful position Pan, the
His work was

dinner time,

Corybants, Attis, and Sabazius.

I

was supplied with bread by

Demeter, wine by Dionysus, meat by Heracles, myrtle-blossoms

by Aphrodite, and
taste of ambrosia
as

sprats

by Posidon.
;

But

I

also

got a

sly

and nectar

good-natured Ganymede,

as often

he saw that Zeus's attention was engaged elsewhere, brought
a half-pint or so.

round the nectar and indulged me with
Gods,
as

The

Homer (who

I

think must have had the same oppor-

tunities of observation as myself)

somewhere

says, neither eat

bread nor drink the ruddy wine
ambrosia, and are nectar-bibbers

;

they heap their plates with
;

but their choicest daintiei

are the smoke of sacrifice ascending with rich fumes, and the

blood of victims poured by their worshippers round the

altars.

142

Icaromenippiis^

an Aerial Expedition
Gods,

During dinner, Apollo harped, Silenus danced his wild measures,
the Muses uprose and sang to us from Hesiod's Birth
of

and the

first

of Pindar's odes.

When we
men me
;

had our
was.

fill

and had

well drunken,

we slumbered, each where he
the Gods, and
;

Slept

all

That
for I

livelong night

but

with plumed helms, kind sleep forsook
;

28
that

had much upon
all

my mind

most of

all,

how came
?

it

Apollo, in

that time, had never grown a beard

and how

was night possible in Heaven, with the sun always there taking
his share of

the good cheer

?

So

I

had but

a

short nap of

it.

And

in the

morning Zeus

arose,

and bade

summon
:

When

all

were gathered, he thus commenced

an assembly.
'

The im-

29

mediate occasion of
stranger yesterday.

my summoning
But
I

you

is

the arrival of this

have long intended to take counsel

with you regarding the philosophers, and now, urged by Selene

and her complaints,

I

have determined to defer the considera-

tion of the question no longer.

There
;

is

a

class

which has

recently

become conspicuous among men
irritable, lickerish, silly,

they are

idle, quarrel-

some, vain,

puffed up, arrogant, and, in

Homeric

phrase, vain cumberers of the earth.

These men have

divided themselves into bands, each dwelling in a separate

word-maze

of

its

own

construction, and call themselves Stoics,

Epicureans, Peripatetics, and more farcical names yet.

Then

they take to themselves the holy name of Virtue, and with uplifted

brows and flowing beards exhibit the deceitful semblance

that hides

immoral
if
is

lives

;

their

model

is

the tragic actor,

from

whom

you

strip off the
left

mask and the gold-spangled

robe, there

nothing

but a paltry fellow hired for a few

shillings to play a part.
*

Nevertheless, quite undeterred by their

own

characters, they 30

scorn the

human and

travesty the divine

;

they gather a com-

pany of

guileless youths,

and feed them with solemn chatter
;

upon Virtue and quibbling verbal puzzles

in their pupils'

1

;

Icaromenippus^ an Aerial Expedition
presence they are
all

143
are

for fortitude

and temperance, and have no
:

words bad enough
themselves, there

for
is

wealth and pleasure

when they

by

no limit to their gluttony, their lechery,

their licking of dirty pence.

But the head and front

of their

offending

is

this

:

they neither work themselves nor help others'

work

;

they are useless drones,

Of no

avail in council

nor in war
;

which notwithstanding, they censure others
with reproaches

they store up

poisoned words, they con invectives, they heap their neighbours
;

their highest honours are for

him who

shall

be loudest and most overbearing and boldest in abuse.
31
*

Ask one of these brawling bawling censors.
?

And what do

you

do

in

God's name, what
?

shall
if

we

call

your contribution to

progress

and he would
:

reply,
it

conscience and truth were
sail

anything to him

I

consider

superfluous to

the sea or
;

till

the earth or fight for
a

my

country or follow

a trade

but

I

have

loud voice and

a dirty

body
;

;

I

eschew
a

warm water and go
can always
table

barefoot through the winter

I
;

am
if a

Momus who

pick holes in other people's coats

rich

man keeps a costly
;

or a mistress,

I

make

it

my business to be properly horrified
of help

but if
not

my familiar friend is lying sick, in need
aware of
it.
is
;

and

care, I

am

Such, your Godheads,

is

the nature of this vermin.

32

'

There

a special insolence in those

who

call

themselves

Epicureans
ter
;

these go so far as to lay their hands on our charac-

we

take

no

interest in

human

affairs,

they say, and in fact

have nothing to do with the course of events.
serious question for

And

this

is

a

you

;

if

once they infect their generation

with

this view,

you
if

will learn

what hunger means.

Who
it ?

will

sacrifice to

you,

he does not expect to profit by

As

to

Selene's complaints,
stranger's lips.

you

all

heard them yesterday from

this

And now

decide upon such measures as shall

advantage mankind and secure your

own

safety.'

144
all

Icaromenippus, an Aerial Expedition
his

Zeus had no sooner closed
crying at once
!
:

Blast
!

!

burn

speech than clamour prevailed, 33 annihilate to the pit with
! ! !

them
again,

to

Tartarus
*

to

the

Giants

Zeus
'

ordered silence

and then,

Your

wishes,'

he

said,

shall

be executed

;

they

shall all

be annihilated, and their logic with them.
is

But

just at present chastisement

not lawful

;

you are aware that
;

we

are

now

in the four

months

of the long vacation

the formal

notice has lately been issued.
baleful levin-bolt shall give

In the spring of next year, the
fate they deserve.'

them the
his

He
'

spake,

and sealed

word with lowering brows.
'

As to Menippus,' he added, my pleasure is this. He shall 34 be deprived of his wings, and so incapacitated for repeating his visit, but shall to-day be conveyed back to Earth by Hermes.'
So saying, he dismissed the assembly.
ingly lifted

The

Cyllenian accord-

deposited
all

me up by the right ear, and yesterday evening me in the Ceramicus. And now, friend, you have
I

the latest from Heaven.

must be

off

to the Poecile,

to

let the philosophers loitering there

know

the luck they

are in.

H.

THE DOUBLE INDICTMENT
Xeus. Hermes. "Justice. Pan.

Several Athenians.

The Academy.

The Porch. Epicurus. Virtue. Luxury. Diogenes. Rhetoric.

A
Zeus.

Syrian.

Dialogue

A

curse

on

all

those philosophers
!

who

will

have

it

that

If they could but know what none but the Gods are happy we have to put up with on men's account, they would not envy

us our nectar
it all,

and our ambrosia.
of a blind quack

They
;

take

Homer's word

for

— the word

'tis

blessed,

and expatiates on heavenly

who pronounces us glories, he who could not
he
Sun, now.

see in front of his

own

nose.

Look

at the

He

yokes


The Double
that chariot, and
is

;

Indictment

i4f
from morn
till

riding through the heavens

night, clothed in his

garment of

fire,

and dispensing
as

his rays

abroad

;

not so
;

much

breathing-space
catch

goes to the scratching

of an ear

once

let his horses

him napping, and they have

the bit betv^'een their teeth and are off 'cross country, w^ith the
result that the

Earth
is

is

scorched to a cinder.

The Moon

is

no

better off
reveller

:

she

kept up into the small hours to light the

and the diner-out upon their homeward path.
he has his

And
a

then Apollo,

work cut out
it is

for

him

:

with such

press of oracular business,

much
;

if

he has any

ears left to

hear with

:

he

is

wanted
;

at

Delphi

the next minute, he must
;

be

off to

Colophon
;

then away to Xanthus
it is

then back at a
;

trot to Clarus

then

Delos, then Branchidae

in short,

he

is

at the beck of every priestess

who

has taken her draught of
;

holy water,
it is

munched her
;

laurel-leaf,
is

and made the tripod rock

now

or never

if

he

not there that minute to reel
is

off the

required oracle, his credit
too
!

gone.

The

traps they set for

him

He must

have

a dog's nose for
'

lamb and

tortoise in the

pot, or his Lydian customer

departs, laughing
his patients

him
:

to scorn.

As

for Asclepius,

he has no peace for

his eyes are

acquainted with horror, and his hands with loathsomeness
another's sickness
is

his pain.

To
;

say nothing of the

work that

the Winds have to get through, what with sowing and winnowing and getting the ships along
or of Sleep, always on the

wing, with

Dream

at his side

all

night giving a helping hand.
:

Men

have to thank us for

all this

every one of us contributes

2 his share to their well-being.

time of

it,

compared
I

to

me, to

And the others me the King and
!

have an easy
Father of
all.

The
of
all

annoyances

have to put up with
!

the worry of thinking
all

these things at once

I

must keep an eye on

the

rest,
;

to begin with, or they

would be making some

silly

mistake

and

as for

the work

I
'

have to do with

my own

hands, there

is

See Croesus in Notes.

IVCIAN

III

L

;

1^6
no end to
it
;

The
it.

Double Indictment
!

such complications
It
is

it

is

all

I

can do to get
issues to

through with
attend
to,

not

as if I

had only the main

the rain and hail and

wind and
sit

lightning,

and

as

soon

as I

had arranged them could

down, feeling that
all

my

own

particular

work was over
at once,

:

no, besides

that, I

must be

looking every
as for sacrifice

way
;

Argus-eyed for theft and perjury,
a libation has

the

moment

been poured,
;

it is

for

me

to locate the savoury

smoke that

rises

for at

me

it is

to

hear the cry of the sick

man and
;

of the sailor

;

one and the

same moment,
a battle in

a

hecatomb demands
hail

my
is

presence at Olympia,

the plain of Babylon
;

due in Thrace, dinner
I

in Ethiopia

'tis

too

much

!

And do what
is

may,

it

is

hard

to give satisfaction.

Many

the time that

all

besides,

both

Gods and men of plumed helm, have slept the long night through,
while unto Zeus sweet slumber has not come nigh.
for a
If I

nod

moment, behold, Epicurus

is

justified,
;

and our indifference
if

to the affairs of Earth
ear to that doctrine,

made

manifest

and

once

men

lend an
:

the consequences will be serious
;

our

temples will go ungarlanded

the streets will be redolent no
;

longer of roast meat, the bowl no longer yield us libation
altars will

our

be cold,

sacrifice

and oblation

will

be at an end, and
stand up at

utter starvation

must ensue.

Hence
no

like a pilot I

the helm
asleep,
I

all

alone, tiller in hand, while every soul
;

on board

is

and probably drunk

rest,

no food

for

me, while
;

ponder in
reward
?

my mind

and breast on the common

safety

and

my

to be called the

Lord

of

all

!

I

should like to 3

who assign us the monopoly of blessedwhen they suppose we find time for nectar and ambrosia among our ceaseless occupations. Look at the mildewed, cobwebbed stack of petitions mouldering on their files in our chanlook only at the cery, for want of time to attend to them
ask those philosophers
ness,
:

cases

pending between
relics,

men and

the various Arts and Sciences
!

venerable

some of them

Angry

protests against the


The
understand that
it is

Double Indictment
me from
;

147
;

delays of the law reach

all

quarters

men cannot

from no neglect of ours that these judgeit is

ments have been postponed
pressure of blessedness,
if

simply pressure of business
it so.

they will have

4

Her.

I myself, father,

have heard
I

a great deal of dissatisfacit

tion expressed

on Earth, only
as

did not like to mention

to

you.
I

However,

you have introduced the subject
is

yourself,

may

say that the discontent

general

:

men do

not venture
in

to express their resentment openly,

but there are mutterings
all

corners about the delay.

It

is

high time they were

put out

of their suspense, for better or for worse.

Zeus.

a session at once

And what would you have me do, my boy or shall we say next year ? ?
all
:

?

hold

Her. Oh, at once, by
Zeus.

means.

To

work, then
:

fly

down, and make proclamation

in

the following terms

All litigant parties to assemble this day

on Areopagus
proportion to

:

Justice to assign

them

their juries

from the
in

whole body of the Athenians, the number of the jury to be
the

amount
his

of

damages claimed

;

any party

doubting the justice of
to me.

sentence to have the right of appeal

And

you,

my
',

daughter, take your seat by the side of
cast lots for the order of the trials,

the Dread Goddesses

and

superintend the formation of juries.
5
Just.

You would have me
?

return to Earth, once more to be

driven thence in ignominious flight by the intolerable taunts of
Injustice

Zeus.

Hope

for better things.
this

The

philosophers have quite

convinced every one by

time of your superiority.

The
:

son
laid

of Sophroniscus was particularly strong
it

on your merits

he

down

that Justice was the highest
;

Good.
his dissertations

Just. Yes

and very serviceable

on

Justice

were to him, were they not, when he was handed over to the
'

See Eriimyes

in

Notes,

L 2

148

The Double Indictment
?

Eleven, and thrown into prison, and drank the hemlock

Poor
to

man, he had not even time to
Asclepius.
their

sacrifice the

cock he

owed

His accusers were too

much
its

for

him

altogether, and

philosophy had Injustice for

object.

Zeus.

But

in those days philosophy
;

was not generally known, 6

and had but few exponents

it

is

not surprising that the scale

turned in favour of Anytus and Meletus.
ferent
:

But now
sticks

it is

dif-

look at the
;

number

of cloaks

and

and wallets
with

that are about

everywhere philosophers, long-bearded, book

in hand, maintain

your cause

;

the public walks are

filled

their contending hosts,
his

and every man of them
their
;

calls

Virtue

nurse. to

Numbers have abandoned

former profes-

sions

pounce upon wallet and cloak

these

ready-made
to

philosophers, carpenters once or cobblers,

now duly tanned

the true Ethiopian hue, are singing your praises high and low.
'

He

that

falls

on shipboard

strikes

wood,' says the proverb

;

and the

eye, wheresoever it

fall,

will light

on philosophers.

Just. Yes,

father,
;

but they frighten

me

:

they quarrel so 7

among themselves and when they talk about me, they only expose their own little minds. And, from what I hear, most of those who make so free with my name show no inclination at all to put my principles into practice. I may count upon Injustice has been beforehand finding their doors closed to me
:

with me.
7,eus.

Come,

child,

they are not
it

all

so bad,

and

if

you can
off

find a

few honest

men
if
:

will

be something.
a

Now,

with

you both, and see

you can't get
yonder
is

few

cases settled
:

up to-day.

Her. Well, Justice
for

our road

straight in the line 8

Sunium,
;

to the foot of

Hymettus, taking Parnes on our
? ?

right

you

see those

two

hills

way,
so

I

suppose, in
?

all this
is

time

You have quite forgotten the Now, now weeping ? why
:

vexed

There
:

nothing

to fear.

Things are quite different
Busirises

in these days

the Scirons

and Pitvocampteses and

and

The Double Indictment
Phalarises

149
:

who

used to frighten you so are

all

dead

Wisdom,

the Academy, the Porch,
all

now

hold sway everywhere.
of

They

are

your admirers

;

their talk

is all

you

;

they yearn to see you

descend to them once more.
Just. Tell me,

Hermes,

—you

if

any one must know the

truth
in the

;

you

are generally busy either in the

Gymnasium

or else

Market, making proclamation to the Assembly,
like

—what are
?

the Athenians

now

?

shall I

be able to
is

live

with them
I

Her.
tell

We

are brother

and

sister, it

only right that

should
a

you the truth.

Well then. Philosophy has made

con-

siderable change for the better in
their respect for the cloth
is

most of them

;

at the worst,

some check on

their misdeeds.

At

the same time

— not to conceal anything—you
;

will find villains

amongst them

and you

will find

some who
fact
is.

are neither quite

philosophers nor quite knaves.
process
of dye
;

The

Philosophy's dyeing

is still

going on.

Some have absorbed
with them you

the

full

quantity

these are perfect specimens of her art,
;

and show no

admixture of other colours
reception.

will find a ready

But

others,

owing to
;

their original impurities, are

not yet completely saturated
ality of

they are better than the generall

mankind, but they are not

they should be

;

they

are

piebald or spotted or dappled.

Others again there are

who have contented
tip in the soot

themselves with merely rubbing a finger-

on the outside of the cauldron, and smearing
course, will only live with the
close to Attica
;

themselves with that; after which they consider the dyeing

o process complete. But you, of Meanwhile, here we are, best.
leave

we must now
here

Sunium on our
:

right,

and diverge towards the Acropolis.
better
sit

Good
I

terra firma.

You had

down somewhere

on the Areopagus,

in the direction of the Pnyx,
I shall

and wait whilst
;

make Zcus's proclamation.

go up into the Acropolis

that will be the easiest

way

of

making every one hear the

summons.

1

lyo
Just.
;

The Double Indictment
Before you go, Hermes,
a

tell me who this is coming man with horns and a pipe and shaggy legs. Her. Why, you must know Pan, most festive of all Dionysus's He used to live on Mount Parthenius but at the followers ?

along

:

time of the Persian expedition under Datis,

when

the bar-

barians landed at Marathon, he volunteered in the Athenian
service
;

and ever since then he has had the cave yonder at the and pays
his

foot of the Acropolis, a little past the Pelasgicum,
taxes like any other naturalized foreigner.

Seeing us so near at
his

hand,

I

suppose he

is

coming up to make
!

compliments.
lo

Pan. Hail, Justice and Hermes
Just. Hail,

Pan

;

chief of Satyrs in dance
!

and song, and most

gallant of Athens' soldiers

Pan. But what brings you here, Hermes
Her. Justice will explain
;

?

I

must be

oflF

to the Acropolis

on

my

errand.

Just.

Zeus has sent

me down,
Athens
I
is,

Pan, to preside in the law-court.
?

—And how do you
do not
do
treat

like

Pan. Well, the fact

am

a

good deal disappointed
I

:

they

me

with the consideration to which

am

entitled,

after repelling that
is

tremendous barbarian invasion.

All they

to

come up

to

my

cave two or three times

a
:

year with a
I

particularly high-scented goat,

and

sacrifice

him

mitted to look on whilst they enjoy the

feast,

and

am peram comis

plimented with

a

perfunctory dance.

However, there
I

some

joking and merrymaking on the occasion, and that
fun.

find rather

Just.

And, Pan,

— have they become more virtuous under the
? ?

1

hands of the philosophers
Pan. Philosophers
sepulchral beings,

Oh

!

people with beards just

like

mine

;

who

are always getting together

and jabber-

ing

?

Just.

Those

are they.


The
Pan.
is is

!

Double Indictment
word they
say
;
;

ifi

I

can't understand a
for

their philosophy

too

much

me.
;

I

am mountain-bred

smart city-language
are not
I

not in

Arcadia.
I I

my line sophists and philosophers I am a good hand at flute or pipe
;

known
all.

in

can mind goats,
is

can dance,
hear them

I
all

can fight at

a

pinch, and

that

But

day long, bawling out
ideas,

a string of

hard words

about virtue, and nature, and

and things incorporeal.

They
a

are

good enough friends when the argument begins, but

their voices

mount

Iiigher

and higher

as

they go on, and end in
all

scream

;

they get more
;

and more excited, and

try to

speak at once

they grow red in the face, their necks swell, and
all
is

their veins stand out, for
a

the world like a flute-player on

high note.

The argument

turned upside down, they forget

what they
with him

are trying to prove,

and

finally

go

off
;

abusing one
victory rests

another and brushing the sweat from their brows

who
his

can show the boldest front and the loudest voice,

and hold

ground the longest.

The

people, especially those
spell-

who have
see,

nothing better to do, adore them, and stand
tlieir

bound under

confident bawlings.

For

all

that

I

could

they were no better than humbugs, and

I

was none too
in

pleased at their copying
their noise,
if

my

beard.

If there

were any use
I

the talking did any good to the public,
to say against
I

should

not have

a

word

them

:

but, to

tell

you the plain

unvarnished truth,

have more than once looked out from

my

peep-hole yonder and seen them
12
Just.

Hush, Pan
?

:

was not that Hermes making the pro-

clamation

Pan.

I

thought
it

so.
to all

Her. Be
of

knozcn

men

that

we furpose

on this seventh day

March

to

hold a court of justice, and Fortune defend the right
to

All litigant parties
assign the juries
to

assemble on Areopagus, where Justice will
the trials in person.
;

and preside over

The

juries

be taken from the whole Athenian people

the

pay

to

be sixpence

lyz
accusation.

The
Any

Double Indictment
of jurors to

jor each case ; the

number

vary with the nature

of the

parties

who had commenced
to

legal proceedings

and

have died in the interim
doubting the justice

be sent up by Aeacus.

Any

party

of his sentence

may

appeal

;

the appeal to be

heard by Zeus.

Pan. Talk about

noise

!

how
!

they shout
See

!

And what
I

a

hurry they are in to get here
the
hill
!

how one

hales another

up

Here comes Hermes
and your evidence
;

himself.

Well,

leave

you to
it.

your

juries

you are accustomed to

I

will return to
ditties

my

cave,
I

and there play over one of those amorous

with which

love to upbraid Echo.

As

to rhetoric

and

law-pleadings, I hear enough of those every day in this very

court of Areopagus.

Her.

We

had better summon the

parties, Justice.

13

Just. True.

Only look
like a

at the

crowd, bustling and buzzing
!

about the hilltop

swarm

of wasps

First Ath. I've got you, curse you.

Second Ath. Pooh

!

a
!

trumped-up charge.
you
shall get

Third Ath. At

last

your deserts

this time.

Fourth Ath. Your villany shall be unmasked.
Fifth Ath.

My

jury

first,
:

Hermes.
into court with you, rascal.

Sixth Ath.

Come
You

along

Seventh Ath.
Just.

needn't throttle me.
I

Do

you know what

think

we had

better do,

Hermes

?

Put
Pick

off all

the other cases for to-morrow, and only take to-day

the charges brought by Arts, Professions,

and Philosophies.

me

out

all

of that kind.

Her. Drink
Just.

v.

the Academy, re Polemon, kidnapped.

Seven jurors.
v. Pleasure.

Her. Porch

Defendant

is

charged with seducing

Dionysius, plaintiff's admirer.
Just. Five will

do

for that.

Her. Luxury

v.

Virtue, re Aristippus.

The Double Indictment
Just. Five again.

1J3

Her. Bank
tiff's

v.

Diogenes, alleged to have run away from plain-

service.

Just.

Three

only.
v.

Her. Painting
Just.

Pyrrho.

Desertion from the ranks.

That

will

want

nine.

14

Her.

What about
?

these

two charges

just

brought against

a

rhetorician
Just.
first.

No, those can stand over

;

we must work

off

the arrears

Her. Well, these cases are of just the same kind.
not old ones,
taken,
it is

They

are

true,

but they are very

like those

you have

and might

fairly

be heard with them.

Just.
as

That
like
;

looks rather like favouritism,

Hermes.
;

However,
quite

you

only these must be the last
are they
?
',

we have got
Dialogue

enough.

What

Her. Rhetoric v. a Syrian

for

neglect

;

v.

the

same, for assault.
Just.

And who
is all

is
:

this Syrian

?

There

is

no name given.
he can have
a

Her. That

the Syrian rhetorician

;

jury

without having
Just. So
!

a

name.
I

here on Areopagus
to be tried
eleven,

am

to give juries to outsiders,
side of the
cases.

who ought
Well, give

on the other

Euphrates

?

him
's

and they can hear both
it will

Her. That
15

right
:

;

save a lot of expense.
versus Drink.

Just. First case
take their seats.
case. ...

the

Academy

Let the jury
but

Mark
word
see
?

the time, Hermes.

Drink, open the

Not

a

can you do
is

nothing

nod?

Hermes, go and

what

the matter with her.

Her. She says she cannot plead, she would only be laughed
at
;

wine has tied her ton^'ue.

As you

see,

she can hardly

stand.
*

i.e.

Lillian.

See IiitroduciioTi, §

i,

Lite.

4
If
"Just.

T^^^ Double Indictment
Well, there are plenty of able counsel present, ready to
;

shout themselves hoarse for sixpence

let

her employ one of

them.
Her.

No

one

will

have anything to do with such

a client in

open court.
Just. Yes
?

But she makes

a very reasonable proposal.

Her.

The Academy
a

is

always ready to take both sides
'

;

she

makes
speak

point of contradicting herself plausibly.

Let her

first

on

my

behalf,' says Drink,

*

and then on her own.'
;

Just.

A novel form of procedure.
if

However, go on, Academy

speak on both sides,
Acad,. First,

you find

it

so easy.
let

gentlemen of the jury,
is

me

state the case for i6

Drink,

as

her time

now being

taken.

My unfortunate client, gentlemen, has
I

been cruelly wronged

:

have torn from her the one slave on whose loyalty and affection

she could rely, the only one

who saw nothing who
in

censurable in her

conduct.
night,

I allude to

Polemon, whose days, from morning to
;

were spent

in revel

broad daylight sought the
of music-girls

publicity of the
singers
;

Market in the company
appeal to every

and

ever drunk, ever headachy, ever garlanded. statements,
I

In support

of

my

man

in

Athens to say
in an evil so

whether he had ever seen Polemon sober.
for him, his revels,

But
I laid

hour
other

which had brought him to
at length to

many

doors, brought

him

my

own.

hands on him,

him away by brute force from the plaintiff, and made him my own giving him water to drink, teaching him sobriety, and He, who should have been sitting stripping him of his garlands. over his wine, now became acquainted with the perverse, the
tore
;

harassing,

the pernicious quibbles of philosophy.
his

Alas

!

the
;

ruddy glow has departed from
his songs are all forgotten
;

cheek

;

he

is

pale and wasted

there are times

when he

will sit far

on into the night, tasting neither meat nor drink, while he reels out the meaningless platitudes with which I have so abundantly


The Double
supplied him.
of
I

Indictment

lyf

have even incited him to attack the character
a

my
The

client,

and to utter
Drink

thousand base insinuations against

her good fame.
case of
is

now complete.

I

proceed to state

my
?

own.
Just.

Let

my time be taken. What will the defendant

have to say to that,

I

wonder

Give her the same time allowance.
17

Acad. Nothing, gentlemen of the jury, could sound more
plausible than the arguments advanced

by

on her

client's behalf.
I shall

And

yet,

if

you

will give

my learned friend me your favourplaintiff claims

able attention.

convince you that the plaintiff has suffered

no wrong
as

at

my

hands.

This Polemon,

whom
him

her servant, so far from having any natural connexion with
is

her,

one whose excellent parts
with myself.

entitle
still

to claim kinship

and

affinity

He

was

a boy, his

powers were

yet unformed,

when

plaintiff,

aided and abetted by Pleasure

ever her partner in crime

—seized upon him, and delivered him
Those very
facts that plaintiff sup-

over into the clutches of debauchery and dissipation, under

whose corrupt influence the unfortunate young man utterly
lost all sense of

shame.

posed to be so many arguments in her favour wall be found, on
the contrary, to
(as

make

for

my own

case.

From

early

morning

my

learned friend has just observed) did the misguided

Polemon, with aching head and garlanded, stagger through the

open market to the
all

noise of flutes, never sober, brawling with
his ancestors

he met

;

a

reproach to

and

his city, a

laughing-

stock to foreigners.
it

One day he reached my
a

door.

He found
is

open

:

I

was discoursing to

company

of

my

disciples, as

my

wont, upon virtue and temperance.

He

stood there, with

the flute-girl at his side and the garlands on his head, and sought
at first to

drown our conversation with
little

his noisy outcry.

But

we

paid no heed to him, and

by

little

our words produced
:

a sobering effect, for Drink

had not entire possession of him

ifd
with shame at
sleep,

The Double

Indictment
off his garlands,

he bade the flute-girl cease, tore
his luxurious dress.
as

and looked

Like one waking from deep
his past life
;

he saw himself

he was, and repented of

the flush of drunkenness faded and vanished from his cheek, and

was succeeded by a blush of shame

;

at last, not (as plaintiff

would have you
conviction of

believe) in response to

any invitation of mine,
free wiU,
his

nor under any compulsion, but of his

own

and

in the

my

superiority,

he renounced

former mistress

there and then, and entered

my service.

Bring him into court.

You

shall see for yourselves,

gentlemen, what he has become

under

my

treatment.

Behold that Polemon

whom

I

found
:

drunk, unable to speak or stand upright, an object of ridicule
I
I

turned him from
present

his evil

ways

;

I

taught him sobriety

;

and

him
I

to you,

no longer

a slave,

but

a

decent and orderly
let

citizen, a credit to his nation.

In conclusion

me

say that

the change

have wrought

in

him

has

won me

the gratitude

not only of Polemon himself but of
us has

all his

friends.

been the more profitable companion

for him,

Which of it is now
There i8

for the jury to decide.

Her. Come, gentlemen, get up and give your votes.
is

no time to be
Just.

lost

;

we have
by
six

other cases coming on.
votes to one.

Academy

wins,

not surprised to find that Drink has one adherent. 19 Jurors in the case of Porch v. Pleasure re Dionysius take their
Her. I
seats
!

am

The

lady

of the

frescoes

'

may

begin

;

her time

is

noted.
Porch. I

am

not ignorant, gentlemen, of the attractions of 20
I

my

adversary.

see
I

how your

eyes turn in her direction

;

she

has your smiles,

your contempt, because

my

hair

is

closeif

cropped, and
will give
side.

my

expression stern and masculine.
;

Yet
is

you

me

a fair hearing, I fear her not

for justice

on

my

Nay,

it is

with these same meretricious attractions of hers
'

See Poecile in Notes,

The Double
that

Indictment
:

15-7

my

accusation

is

concerned

it

was by her specious appear-

ance that she beguiled the virtuous Dionysius,

my

lover,

and

drew him

to herself.

The

present case

is

in fact closely allied

with that of Drink and the Academy, with which your colleagues have just dealt.

The

question

now

before you

is

this

:

are

men

to live the lives of swine, wallowing in voluptuousness, with

never a high or noble thought

:

or are they to set virtue above

enjoyment, and follow the dictates of freedom and philosophy,
fearing not to grapple with pain, nor seeking the degrading
service of pleasure, as
a

though happiness were to be found
?

in

pot of honey or

a cake of figs

These

are the baits

my

adver-

sary throws out for fools,

and

toil

the bugbear with which she
fail
;

frightens

them

:

her

artifices

seldom

and among her
she found

vic-

tims

is

this

unfortunate
authority.

whom

she has constrained to rebel
till

against

my
;

She had to wait

him on
She

a sick-bed

never while he was himself would he have listened

to her proposals.

Yet what right have /

to complain

?

spares not even the

Gods

;

she impugns the
;

wisdom
a

of Pro-

vidence

;

she
if

is

guilty of

blasphemy
I

you have

double penalty

to impose,

you would be wise.
a

hear that she has not even
:

been at the pains of preparing
for her
!

defence

Epicurus

is

to speak

She does not stand upon ceremony with you, gentlethey had listened to the voice
toil
:

men.

—Ask her what Heracles would have been, what your own
if

Theseus would have been,
of pleasure,

and shrunk back from

their toils

were the

only

check

upon wickedness, which

else

must have overrun
;

the whole Earth.

And now
if

I

have done

I

am no

lover of

long speeches.
a

Yet

my

adversary would consent to answer

me remind
he
tells

few questions, her worthlessness would soon appear. Let give your votes you, gentlemen, of your oath
:

in accordance with that oath,

and believe not Epicurus, when
for the

you that the Gods take no thought

things

of Earth.

8

If

The Double
madam.

Indictment
Epicurus will

Her. Stand down,
behalf of pleasure.
E-pi.
is

now

speak on

I shall

not detain you long, gentlemen of the jury
for

;

there 21

no occasion

me

to do so.

If It

were

true, as the plaintiff

asserts,

that Dionysius was her lover, and that

my

client

by

means of drugs or incantations had constrained him to with-

draw
self,

his affections
if

from the

plaintiff

and transfer them to hermight
fairly

this

were true, then

my

client

be accused
rival's

of witchcraft, nor could her wicked practices

upon her
If

admirers escape condemnation.

On

the other hand,

a free

citizen of a free state, deciding for himself in a matter

where

the law

is

silent, takes a violent

aversion to this lady's person,

concludes that the blessedness with which she promises to crown
his labours
is

neither

more nor

less

than moonshine, and accordof her labyrinthine

ingly makes the best of his

way out

maze

of

argument into the

attractive arms of Pleasure, bursts the bonds

of verbal subtlety, exchanges credulity for

common

sense,

and

pronounces, with great justice, that
pleasure
is

toil is toilsome,

and that

pleasant,

I

ask, is this

shipwrecked mariner to be
his desire,

excluded from the calm haven of

and hurled back
altar

headlong into
of

a sea of toil

?

is

this

poor suppliant at the
is

Mercy

In other

words of Pleasure

over into the power of

— he perplexity, — and
hill

to be delivered

all

on the chance

that his hot climb up the steep

of Virtue

may be rewarded
his life

with

a

glimpse of that celebrated lady on the top, and

of toil followed

by

a hereafter of

happiness

?

We could scarcely
as

ask for a better

judge of the matter than Dionysius himself.

He

was

as familiar

with the Stoic doctrines

any man, and
:

held at one time that virtue was the only
sently discovered that toil was an evil
:

Good

but he pre-

he then chose what no doubt observe

seemed to him the better course.
that those philosophers
of patience

He would
so

who had

much

to say

on the subject

and endurance under

toil

were secretly the servants

;

The Double
of Pleasure, carefully abiding

Indictment
in their

179
own homes,

by her laws

though they made

so free

with her name in their discourses.

They cannot
a

bear to be detected in any relaxation, or any
:

departure from their principles

but,

poor men, they lead
a

Tantalus

life

of

it

in consequence,

and when they do get

chance of sinning without being found out, they drink
pleasure by the bucketful.

down

Depend on

it,

if

some one would

make them
cap, they

a

present of Gyges's ring of invisibility, or Hades's
of toil without further

would cut the acquaintance
be Dionysiuses then.

ceremony, and elbow their way into the presence of Pleasure
they would
well,
all

As long

as
all

Dionysius was
this talk

he thought that there was some good in
;

about

endurance
really was,

but when he

fell

ill,

and found out what pain
he was converted,

he perceived that

his

body was of another school than
:

the Porch, and held quite other tenets
realized that he was flesh

and blood, and from that day ceased
;

to behave as

if

he were made of marble

he knew now that the

man who

talks

nonsense about the iniquity of pleasure
:

But toys with words

his

thoughts are bent elsewhither.

And now,
22
Porch.

gentlemen,
yet
I
!

I

leave

you to your vote.
ask

Not
?

Let me
ready.

him

a

few questions.

Efi. Yes
Porch.

am

You
do.

hold

toil

to be an evil

?

Epi.

I

Porch.

And

pleasure a good

?

Epi. Unquestionably. Porch.

Do

you recognize the distinction between
i

differentia

and

indifferentia

between praeposita and

rejecta

?

Epi.

Her.

Why, certainly. Madam, this discussion must

cease

;

the jury say they

do not understand word-chopping.
votes.

They

will

now

give their

!

i<^o
Porch.

The Double
Ah
;

Indictment
if

I

should have won,

I

could have tried him

with

my

third figure of selj-evidents.

Just.

Who

wins

?

Her. Unanimous verdict for Pleasure.
Porch. I appeal to Zeus.
Just.

By

all

means.
v.

Next

case,

Hermes.
;

Her. Luxury
in person.

Virtue, re Aristippus

Aristippus must appear 23

Vir. I

ought to speak

first.

Aristippus

is

mine

;

his

words

and and

his

deeds alike proclaim him mine.

Lux.
his

On

the contrary, any one
his

who wiU

observe his garlands

purple robes and

perfumes

will agree that

he

is

mine.
Just. Peace
!

This

suit

must stand

over,

until

Zeus has
If
:

decided the appeal re Dionysius.

The
shall

cases are similar.

Porch wins her appeal, Aristippus
if

be adjudged to Virtue
case.

not,

Luxury must have him.

Bring the next
;

By the

way, those jurors must not have their fee
earned
it.

they have not

Her. So the poor old gentlemen have climbed up
for

all this

way
go

nothing

Just. Well, they

must be content with
cross
;

a

third.

Now

away,

all

of you,

and don't be

you

shall

have another

chance.

Her. Diogenes of Sinope wanted
Diog.

!

Bank,
if

it is

for

you to speak. 24

Look

here.

Madam
;

Justice,

she doesn't stop bother-

ing, I shall

have assault and battery to answer for before long,

instead of desertion
Just.

my

stick

is

ready.
?

What

is

the meaning of this

Bank has run away,
raised.

and Diogenes
I

after her,

with

his

stick

Poor Bank

!

am

afraid she will be roughly handled.
is

Call Pyrrho.

Her. Here
I

Painting, but
be.

Pyrrho has never

come

up. 2$

knew how

it

would

"The Double Indictment
Just.

161

Her.
Just.

And what was his reason He holds that there is no such
?

thing as a true decision.
default.

the

Then judgement goes against him by Syrian advocate The indictments were
;

Now for
day or
first

only

filed a

two ago

there was no such hurry.
is

However

.

We will

take the case in which Rhetoric
in to hear
it
!

plaintiff.

How

people crowd

Her. Just so
see
;

:

the case has not had time to get

stale,

you
say,

it

has the

charm

of novelty, the indictment, as

you

having only been

filed yesterday.

The
is

prospect, too, of hearing
as

the Syrian defend himself against two such plaintiffs

Rhetoric
Well,

and Dialogue, one
Rhetoric,

after the other,

a great attraction.
?

when

are
all

you going to begin
things,

26

Rhet. Before

men

of Athens, I pray the
this trial

Gods that
less

you may

listen to

me

throughout
I

with feelings not

warm
if,

than those that

have ever

entertained towards

my
And

country and towards each one of you,
further,
I

my

countrymen.

pray them so to dispose your hearts that you will

suffer

me

to conduct

my

case in accordance with

intention and design, without interruption from
I shall

my original my adversary,
the
I

be asking no more than

justice.

When

I listen to

defendant's words, and then reflect upon the treatment
received from him,
I

have

You
you
I

will presently find

tinguishable
will see,

know not how I am to reconcile the two. him holding a language scarcely disfrom my own yet examine into his conduct, and
:

from the lengths to which he has already gone, that
prevent
his

am

justified in taking steps to

going yet further.

But enough

of

preamble

:

I

am

wasting time that might be
adversary.
a

better employed in accusing

my

27

Gentlemen, the defendant was no more than
spoke with his native accent, and might at any
exhibited himself in the garb of an Assyrian

boy

—he

still

moment have when I found
employment.

him wandering up and down
Luci-^N
III

Ionia, at a loss for

M

;

i62
I

The Double Indictment
;

took him in hand

I

gave him an education
his

;

and, convinced

of his capabilities

and of

devotion to

me

(for

he was

my

very

humble servant
for

in those days,

and had no admiration to spare
back upon the

any one

else), I

turned

my

many

suitors

who

sought

my

hand, upon the wealthy, the brilliant and the high-

born, and betrothed myself to this monster of ingratitude

upon

this

obscure pauper boy

I

surpassing eloquence, brought

bestowed the rich dowry of him to be enrolled among

my my

own

people, and

made him my

fellow citizen, to the bitter

mortification of his unsuccessful rivals.
resolution of travelling, in order to

When
his
:

he formed the

make

good fortune known
I

to the world, I did not remain behind

accompanied him
lustre

everywhere, from city to

city,

shedding

my

upon him,
travels in
visit

and clothing him in honour and renown.
Greece and Ionia,
Italy
:

Of our

I say

nothing

:

he expressed a wish to

I sailed

the Ionian Sea with him, and attended

him even

as far as

Gaul, scattering plenty in his path.

For

a long

time he consulted

my

wishes in everything, was
a

unfailing in his attendance

upon me, and never passed
his

night

away from
provision,

my

side.

But no sooner had he secured an adequate 28
reputation established,

no sooner did he consider

than

his

countenance changed towards
air,

me

:

he assumed
;

a

haughty

and neglected, nay, utterly abandoned me

having

conceived a violent affection for the bearded old person yonder,

whom

you may know from

his dress to

be Dialogue, and who
Dialogue, in spite of
is

passes for a son of Philosophy.

With
living

this
;

the disparity of age, he
clip the wings of
self

is

now

and

not ashamed to

free,

high-soaring eloquence, and submit him-

to the comedian's fetters of bald question and answer.
in

He,

whose thoughts should have found utterance
oratory,
is

thundering

content to weave a puny network of conversation.
a smile

Such things may draw

from
a

his audience, a nod,

an
:

unimpassioned wave of the hand,

murmur

of approbation

The Double
applause.

Indictment

i5:t

they can never hope to evoke the deafening uproar of universal

And

this,

gentlemen,

is

the fascination under which
his

he looks coldly upon
indeed, that he
is

me
I

;

I

commend

taste

!

They

say,

not on the best of terms even with his beloved

Dialogue

;

apparently

am

not the only victim of
as this

his over-

29 weening pride.
liable

Does not such ingratitude

render him
?

to the penalties imposed by

the marriage-laws

He

leaves

me,

his lawful wife,

to

wealth and reputation, leaves
pursuit of novelty
;

whom me to

he

is

indebted

alike for
off in

neglect,
all

and goes

and

that, at a

time when

eyes are turned
I

upon me, when

all

men

write

me

their protectress.
:

hold out

against the entreaties of countless suitors

they knock, and

my

doors remain closed to

but

I

scorn their
:

them they call loudly upon my name, empty clamours, and answer them not. All is
;

in vain
this

he

will

not return to me, nor withdraw

his eyes

from

new love. In Heaven's name, what does he expect from him ? what has Dialogue but his cloak ?
In conclusion, gentlemen
art in his defence, suffer
:

to get

should he attempt to employ

my

my own
Her.
possibly

sword against
his

him not thus unscrupulously to sharpen me bid him defend himself, if he can,
;

with the weapons of

adored Dialogue.
are unreasonable
:

Now
make

there,

madam, you
all

how can he
;

a dialogue of it

by himself

?

No, no

let

him

deliver a regular speech, just the

same

as

other people.

30

Syrian. In view, gentlemen, of the indignation that plaintiff

has expressed at the idea of
in order to maintain a brief

my

employing her

gift of

eloquence

my

cause at large, I shall confine myself to
shall

and summary refutation of her charges, and

then

leave the whole matter to your discernment.

Gentlemen, aH that the
cated

plaintiff has said

is

true.
;

She edu-

me

;

she bore

me company
to give

in

my

travels

she
a

made

a

Greek of me.
gratitude.
I

She has each of these claims to
have

husband's

now

my
2

reasons for abandoning her,

M

1

<^4

^^^^ Double Indictment
:

and cultivating the acquaintance of Dialogue
no motive of
facts.
I

and, believe me,

self-interest shall

induce

me

to misrepresent the

found, then, that the discreet bearing, the seemly 31

dress,

which had distinguished her in the days of her union
illustrious

with the
aside
:

demesman

of Paeania

',

were now thrown
began to

I

saw her tricked out and bedizened, rouged and painted

like a courtesan.

My

suspicions
eyes.

were aroused, and

I

watch the direction of her

To make

a

long story short,

our street was nightly infested with the serenades of her tipsy
gallants,

some

of

doors,

threw aside

whom, not content with knocking at our all restraint, and forced their way into the

house.

These attentions amused and delighted

my
;

wife

:

she

was commonly to be seen leaning over the parapet and listening
to the loose ditties that were bawled

up from below

and when

she thought she was unobserved, she would even open the door,

and admit the gallant to her shameless embraces.
were not to be endured
:

Such things

I

was loth to bring her into the

divorce-court, and accordingly sought the hospitality of Dialogue,

who was my
suffered at

near neighbour.

Such, gentlemen, are the grievous wrongs that plaintiff has 32

my

hands.

Even had the provocation

I

have de-

scribed been wanting,
old) called

my
'

age

(I

was then nearly forty years

upon me

to withdraw from the turmoil of the law-

courts,

and

suffer the

gentlemen of the jury

'

to rest in peace.

Tyrants enough had been arraigned, princes enough been
eulogized
:

it

was time to retreat to the walks of Academy or

the Lyceum, there to enjoy, in the delightful society of Dialogue,
that tranquil discourse which aims not at noisy acclamations.
I

might say much more, but

I

forbear

:

you, gentlemen, will

give your votes in accordance with the dictates of conscience.
Just.

Who
The

wins

?

Her.

Syrian has

all

votes but one.
Demosthenes.

Tf?e Double Indictment
33
Just.

16^
Dialogue
will

And

that one a rhetorician's,

I

suppose.

now

address the same jury.

Gentlemen, you
gentlemen,

will
fee.
I

remain and

hear this second case, and will receive a double
Dia. If
I

had had

my

choice,

should have
I

addressed you in the conversational style to which

am

accusI

tomed, instead of delivering

a

long harangue.

However,
I

must

conform to the custom of the law-courts, though
skill

have neither

nor experience
:

in such

matters.

So much by way of

exordium

and now

for the outrage

committed on me by the
I

defendant.

In former days, gentlemen,
:

was

a

person of

exalted character

my

speculations turned
;

upon the Gods, and

Nature, and the Annus Magnus

I

trod those aerial plains

wherein Zeus on winged car

is

borne along through the heights.
to the heavenly vault
;

My flight

had actually brought me

I

was

just setting foot

upon the upper

surface of that

dome, when

this Syrian took it

wings, and reduce

upon himself to drag me down, break my me to the common level of humanity. WhiskI

ing off the seemly tragic mask

then wore, he clapped on in
:

its

place a comic one that was little short of ludicrous
step was to huddle

his

next

me

into a corner with Jest,

Lampoon,
and

Cynicism, and the comedians Eupolis and Aristophanes, persons with a horrible knack of

making

light of sacred things,

girding at

all

that

is

as it

should be.

But the climax was reached
old Cynic,
;

when he unearthed
name, and thrust
ever there was one

a barking, snarling

Menippus by
if

his
;

company upon me

a

grim bulldog,

a treacherous

brute that will snap at you

while his

tail

is

yet wagging.

Could any man be more abomin-

ably misused

?

Stripped of

my

proper

attire, I

am made

to

play the buffoon, and to give expression to every whimsical absurdity that his caprice dictates.

And,

as if

that were not prepos-

terous enough, he has forbidden or to rise on the wings of poesy:

me either to walk on my feet I am a ridiculous cross between
;

prose and verse

;

a

monster of incongruity

a literary

Centaur.

: ;

i66
Her.

The Double Indictment
Now,
Syrian
:

what do you

say to that

?

34

Syrian.

Gentlemen

of the jury, I

am

surprised.

Nothing
has

could be more unexpected than

the

charge

Dialogue
in

brought against me.

When
his

I first

took
as

him

hand, he

was regarded by the world at large
discussions

one whose interminable
his vitality.

had soured

temper and exhausted

His labours entitled him to respect, but he had none of the
attractive qualities that could secure

him popularity.

My

first

step was to accustom

him
;

to walk

upon the common ground make him
presentable,
Finally,
smile.

hke the rest of mankind

my

next, to

by giving him
I

a

good bath and teaching him to
as his

assigned

him Comedy

yokefellow, thus gaining
until then
as

him the

confidence of his hearers,

who

would

as

soon have

thought of picking up

a

hedgehog

of venturing into the

thorny presence of Dialogue.

But

I

know what

the grievance

is

:

he wants

me

to

sit

and
of

discourse subtle nothings with

him about the immortality
of pints of pure

the soul, and the exact
essence that

number

homogeneous

went

to the

making of the universe, and the claims

of rhetoric to be called a
a fourth part of flattery.

shadow

of a fraction of statecraft, or

He

takes a curious pleasure in refinehis vanity

ments of

this

kind

;

it tickles

most

deliciously to be

told that not every

man can

see so far into the ideal as he.

Evidently he expects me to conform to his taste in this respect

he

is still
;

hankering after those lost wings

;

his eyes are
lie

turned

upwards

he cannot see the things that
is

before his feet.
of.

I think there

nothing

else

he can complain

He

cannot

say that
dress,

I,

who

pass for a barbarian, have torn off his
it
;

Greek
were

and replaced

with one

like

my own

:

that would have

been another matter
indeed a crime.

to deprive

him

of his native garb

Gentlemen,
I trust

I

have made

my

defence, as far

as in

me

lies

that your present verdict will confirm the former one.


The Double Indictment
35

167
Only one

Her. Well
dissentient,
principles,

I

never

!

All ten are for

you again.

and he the same one
he must ever give
his

as before.

True

to his envious

vote against his betters.

The
come
F.

jurors

may now

leave the court.

The

remaining cases

will

on to-morrow.

THE PARASITE
A DEMONSTRATION THAT SPONGING A PROFESSION
Tychiades.
Tyc. I

13

Simon

am

curious about you, Simon.

Ordinary people, free
that

and

slaves alike,

have some trade or profession

enables

them
Si.

to benefit themselves

and others

;

you seem to be an
put

exception.
I

do not quite see what you mean, Tychiades

;

it

a little clearer.

Tyc.
sort
;

I

want to know whether you have you
a musician
?

a profession of

any

for instance, are

Si.

Certainly not.

Tyc.
Si.

A
A

doctor

?

No.
mathematician
?

lye.
Si.

No.

Tyc.

Do
;

you teach

rhetoric, then
as

?

I

need not ask about

philosophy
has.
Si.

you have about

much

to

do with that

as sin

Less,

if

possible.

Do

not imagine that you are enlightenI

ing

me upon my

failings.

acknowledge myself

a

sinner

worse than you take
Tyc. Very well.

me
But

for.

possibly you have abstained
is

from these
a

professions because nothing great

easy.

Perhaps

trade

is

1(^8

The
;

Parasite
a

more in your way
Si.

are

you

carpenter or cobbler

?

Your

circumstances are hardly such

as to

make
skill

a trade superfluous.

Quite true.

Well, I have no
?

in

any of these.

7yc. But in
Si.

An
it

excellent one, in
agree, I

with
tical

you would

my opinion am sure. I
;
;

if

you were acquainted
can give an

can claim to be a prac-

master in the art by this time

whether

I

account of
Tyc.
Si.

my
I

faith
is it ?

is

another question.

What

No,

do not think

I

have got up the theory of

it suffi-

ciently.

For the present,
strictures

rest assured that I

have a profession,
nature you shall

and cease your

on that head.

Its

know another
Si.

time.
;

Tyc. No, no

I will

not be put

off like that.

Well,

I

am

afraid

my

profession

would be rather

a shock

to you.

Tyc.
Si.

I like

shocks.

Well,

I will tell I

you some day.
or else
I

Tyc.
of
it.

Now,

say

;

shall

know you

are

ashamed

Si.

Well, then,

I

sponge.
sane

Tyc.
sion
Si.
?

Why, what
for one.

man would
you think
I

call

sponging a profes- 2

I,

And

if

am

not sane, put

down
be

my my

innocence of other professions to insanity, and
sufficient excuse.

let that
is

My

lady Insanity, they say,
;

unkind to
their

her votaries in most respects
offences,

but at

least she excuses

which she makes
an

herself responsible for, like a school-

master or tutor.
Tyc. So sponging
Si.
is

art,
it.
?

ch

?

It

is

;

and

I

profess
a

Tyc. So you are
Si.

sponger

What an

awful reproach

!

The
Tyc.
Si.

Parasite
call yourself a

16^
sponger
?

What

!

you do not blush to
I

On

the contrary,

should be ashamed of not calling my-

self so.

Tyc.
of

And when we want
'

to distinguish

you

for the benefit

any one who does not know you, but has occasion to find you

out,
Si.

we must say the sponger,' naturally ? The name will be more welcome to me than
;

*

statuary

'

to Phidias

I

am
!

as

proud
Excuse

of

my

profession as Phidias of his

Zeus.

Tyc
to me.
Si.

Ha, ha, ha

me

—just

a particular that

occurred

Namely

?

Tyc. Think of the address of your letters
Si.

— Simon the Sponger!
I shall like

Simon the Sponger, Dion the Philosopher.
as well as

mine
3

he

his.
titles

Tyc. Well, well, your taste in

concerns

me

very

little.

Come now
Si.

to the next absurdity.
is
?

Which

Tyc.

The

getting

it

entered on the
is,

list

of arts.
it ?

When
Letters

any

one

asks

what the

art

how do we
;

describe
?

we

know. Medicine we know
Si.

Sponging
it

My own opinion
name
of art.
this

is,

that

has an exceptionally good right
listen, I will explain,
as I

to the
I

If

you care to

though

have not got

properly into shape,

remarked before.
it is

Tyc. Oh, a brief exposition will do, provided
Si.
first
;

true.

I think, if

you

agree,

we had

better examine Art gcnerically

that will enable us to go into the question whether the

specific arts really

belong under
is

it.

Tyc. Well, what
Si.

Art

?

Of

course you

know

that

?

Quite well.

Tyc.

Out with
art, as I

it,

then, as you know.
a wise

4

St.

An

once heard
for

man

say,

is

a

bodv of percep-

tions regularly

employed

some

useful purpose in

human

life.

:

I70
Tyc.
Si,

The
And he was
if

Parasite

quite right.
all

So,

sponging has

these marks,

it

must be an

art

?

Tyc. If, yes.
Si.

Well,

now we

will bring to bear

on sponging each
its

of

these essential elements of Art, and see whether
rings true, or returns a cracked note like

character
it is

bad pottery when

tapped.

It has got to be, like all art, a

body of perceptions.
and not give him

WeU, we
the

find at once that our artist has to distinguish critically
will entertain

man who

him

satisfactorily

reason to wish that he had sponged elsewhere.

Now,

in

as

much

as assaying

—which

is

no more than the power of

dis-

tinguishing between false and true coin
fession,

is

a

recognized pro-

you

will hardly refuse the

same

status to that
;

which

distinguishes

between

false

and true men
of coins
;

the genuineness of

men

is

more obscure than that

this

indeed

is

the gist

of the wise Euripides's complaint

But among men how tell the base apart ? Virtue and vice stamp not the outward flesh.
So much the greater the sponger's
the certainty of
its
is

art,

which beats prophecy
so difficult.

in

conclusions

upon problems

Next, there

the faculty of so directing your words and 5

actions as to effect intimacy

and convince your patron of your

devotion
ception
?

:

is

that consistent with weak understanding or per-

Tyc. Certainly not.
Si.

Then

at table

one has to outshine other people, and show
:

the difference between amateur and professional

is

that to be

done without thought and ingenuity
Tyc. No, indeed.
Si.

?

Or perhaps you
tell

fancy that any outsider

who

will

tnke

the trouble can

a
if

good dinner from
the guest
is

a

bad one.

Well, the

mighty Plato

says,

not versed in cookery, the

dressing of the banquet will be but unworthily judged.

;

The
6

Parasite
is,

171

The
ployed.

next point to be established

that sponging depends

not merely on perceptions, but on perceptions regularly em-

Nothing simpler.

The

perceptions on which, other

arts are

based frequently remain unemployed by their owner

for days, nights, months, or years, without his art's perishing

whereas,

if

those of the sponger were to miss their daily exercise,
it.

not merely his art would perish, but he with
7

There remains the
take a

'

useful purpose in

human
I life

life

'

;

it

would

madman
more
;

to question that here.

find nothing that

serves a

useful purpose in

human
live.

than eating and

drinking Tyc.
8
Si.

without them you cannot
is

That
and

true.
is

Moreover, sponging

not to be classed with beauty and
?

strength,

so called a quality instead of an art

Tyc. No.
Si.

And,

in the sphere of art, it does not denote the negative

condition, of unskilfulness.
perity.

That never
:

brings

its

owner pros-

Take an instance

if

a

man who

did not understand

navigation took charge of a ship in a stormy sea, would he be
safe
?

Not he. Why, now ? enable him to save
Tyc.
Si.

Because he wants the art which would
his life
?

Tyc. Exactly.
Si.

It follows that,

if

sponging was the negative of

art,

the

sponger would not save
Tyc. Yes.
Si.

his life

by

its

means

?

A man

is

saved by

art,

not by the absence of

it ?

Tyc. Quite
Si.

so.
is

So sponging

an art

?

Tyc. Apparently.
Si.

Let

me add

that I have often

known even good

navigators

and

skilful drivers

come

to grief, resulting with the latter in

172
bruises

The Parasite
and with the former in death
;

but no one

will tell

you
but

of a

sponger
is

who

ever

made

shipwreck.

Very
is it

well,

then,
;

sponging
it is a

neither the negative of art, nor

a quality

body

of perceptions regularly employed.
art.

So

it

emerges

from the present discussion an
Tyc.

That seems

to be the upshot.

But now proceed

to 9

give us a good definition of your art.
Si.

Well thought

of.

And
its

I

fancy this will about do

:

Spong-

ing

is

the art of eating and drinking, and of the talk by which

these

may be

secured

;

end

is

Pleasure.
I think.

Tyc.

A

very good definition,

But

I

warn you that

your end will bring you into conflict with some of the philosophers.
Si.

Ah

well,

if

sponging agrees with Happiness about the

end,

we may be content. And that it does I will soon show
life

you.

The

wise

Homer, 10

admiring the sponger's
has this
I
:

as

the only blissful enviable one,

say

Than when
With

From
As
if

end may be attained the people is attuned to mirth, and groans the festal board meat and bread, and the cup-bearer's ladle flowing bowl to cup the sweet wine dips.
no
fairer
his

this

had not made

admiration quite clear enough, he
his personal
bliss.
is

lays a little

more emphasis, good man, on

opinion

:

This in

my

heart I count the highest

Moreover, the character to
not just any one
;

whom

he entrusts these words

it is

the wisest of the Greeks.
a

Well now,

if

Odysseus had cared to say

word for the end approved by the when he brought back Philoctetes from Lemnos, when he sacked Troy, when he stopped the Greeks from giving up, or when he made his way into Troy
Stoics, he had plenty of chances

by scourging himself and putting on rags bad enough

for

any

The
Stoic.

Parasite
fairer end.

173
And
with Calypso, when

But no

;

he never said theirs was a
living an

again,

when he was

Epicurean

life

he could spend idle luxurious days, enjoying the daughter of
Atlas and giving the rein to every soft emotion, even then he

had not
he say
'

his fairer

end

;

that was

still

the

life

of the sponger.

Banqueter was the word used for sponger in
?

his

day

;

what does
:

I

must quote the
bread.'

lines again
'
;

;

nothing
'

like repetition

The
It

banqueters in order set

and

groans the festal board

With meat and
11

was

a

remarkable piece of impudence on Epicurus's part to
his

appropriate the end that belongs to sponging for
of Happiness.

system

—Epicurus nothing, and the sponger much, to do with Pleasure—
That
it

was

a bit of

larceny

having
soon

I will

show you,
quillity,

I

take

it

that Pleasure means,
soul.

first,

bodily tran-

and secondly, an untroubled

Well, the sponger
is

attains both, Epicurus neither.

A man who

busy inquiring

into the earth's shape, the infinity of worlds, the sun's size,

astronomic distances, the elements, the existence or non-existence of Gods, and

who
a

is

engaged in incessant controversies

about the end
perturbations.

—he

is

prey not merely to human, but to cosmic
all is

Whereas the sponger, convinced that
all

for

the best in the best of

possible worlds, living secure

and calm

with no such perplexities to trouble him, eats and sleeps and
lies

on

his back, letting his

hands and feet look after themselves,

like

Odysseus on
is

his passage

home from

Scheria.

12

But here
cither

an independent refutation of Epicurus's preten-

sions to Pleasure.
is,

Our

Epicurus, whoever his
If

Wisdom may
he
is

be,

or

is

not, supplied with victuals.

not, so far
If

from having
is,

a pleasurable life,

he

will

have no

life at all.

he

does he get
?

them out
is

of his

own means,

or from

some one
says

else
if

If

the latter, he

a sponger,

and not what he
life.

he

is

;

the former, he will not have a pleasurable

Jyc.

How

so

?

174

Si.

T^he Parasite
Why,
if

his

food

is

provided out of
;

his

way

of life has
if

many consequences
?

reckon them up.

own means, that You will
all

admit that,

the principle of your

life is

to be pleasure,

your

appetites have to be satisfied

Tyc.
Si.

I

agree.

Well, a large income
a scanty

may

possibly
;

meet that require-

ment,

one certainly not

consequently, a poor

man

cannot be

a philosopher,

or in other words attain the end,
will the rich,

which

is

Pleasure.

But neither
it.

who
it

lavishes his

substance on his desires, attain
ing has

And why

?

Because spend;

many

worries inseparably attached to

your cook

disappoints you, and you

must

either have strained relations

with him, or

else

purchase peace and quiet by feeding badly

and missing your pleasure.

Then

similar difficulties

attend

your steward's management of the house.
all this.

You must admit

Tyc. Oh, certainly,
Si.

I

agree.
is

In

fact,

something or other
his

sure to

happen and cut

off

Epicurus from

end.

Now

the sponger has no cook to be

angry with, no farm, steward or
loss of
;

money
on the

to be annoyed at the
fat of the land,

at the

same time he

lives

and

is

the one person

who can
is

eat

and drink without the worries from

which others cannot escape.

That sponging
it

an
its

art,

has

now been abundantly proved
;

;

13

remains to show
:

superiority

and

this I shall take in
all

two
and,

divisions

first, it

has a general superiority to

the arts

;

secondly,

it is
is

superior to each of
this
:

them

separately.

The
of

general
toil,
;

superiority
threats

the arts have to be instilled by dint of

and blows

—regrettable
ever
it is

necessities,

all

them

my
?

own

art, of

which the acquisition

costs

no

toil, is

perhaps the
in tears

only exception.

Who

came away from dinner
;

with the schoolroom

different

or

who

ever

went out

to

dinner with the dismal expression characteristic of going to

The
school
table
tices
;

Parasite

175"

?

No, the sponger needs no pressing to get him to
is

he

devoted to

his profession

;

it is

the other appren-

who
it is

hate theirs, to the point of running away, sometimes.

And

worth your notice that

a parent's usual
is

reward for

a child

who makes
;

progress in the ordinary arts

just the thing
his

that the sponger gets regularly.
well, they say
let

The

lad has
:

done

writing
!

let

him have something nice
Oh, the mouth
is

what

vile

writing

him go without.

very useful for reward

and punishment.
14.

Again, with the other arts the result comes only after the
learning
is

done

;

their fruits alone are agreeable

'

;

long and

steep the road thereto.'
in that profit

Sponging

is

once more an exception,
;

and learning here go hand in hand
as

you grasp

your end

as

soon

you begin.

And

whereas

all

other arts are

practised solely for the sustenance they will ultimately bring, the

sponger has

his

sustenance from the day he

starts.
is

You

realize,
else

of course, that the farmer's object in farming

something

than farming, the carpenter's something different from abstract
carpentering
;

but the sponger has no ulterior object

;

occupa-

tion and pre-occupation arc for
15

him one and the same.
slave
a
;

Then

it is

no news to any one that other professions

habitually,

and get just one or two holidays
festivals

month

;

States

keep some monthly and some yearly
times of enjoyment.

these are their

But the sponger has

thirty festivals a

month every day is a 16 Once more, success
;

red-letter day with him.
in the other arts presupposes a diet as
;

abstemious
tent,

as

any invalid's

eat

and drink to your heart's conin

and you make no progress

your studies.
professor unless he has

17

Other
his

arts, again, are useless to their
;

plant
;

you cannot play the
music requires

flute

if

you have not one to
a horse.
is

play

lyrical

a lyre,

horsemanship

But

of ours

one of the excellences and conveniences
is

that no in-

strument

required for

its

exercise.

176
Other
sponging
arts

The Parante
we
pay, this

we

are paid, to learn.

l8

Further, while the rest have their teachers, no one teaches 19
;

it is

a gift

from Heaven,

as Socrates said of poetry.

Then do not
pended during
Tyc.
Si.

forget that, while the others have to be sus- 2c

a

journey or

a voyage, this

may be

in full swing

under those circumstances

too.

No

doubt about

that.
strikes

21

Another point that
this one,

me

is

that other arts feel the

need of

but not vice
is

versa.

Tyc. Well, but

the appropriation of what belongs to others

no offence
Si.

?

Of

course

it is.
;

Tyc. Well, the sponger does that

why

is

he privileged to

offend

?
:

Si. Ah, I know nothing about that. But now look here you 22 know how common and mean are the beginnings of the other

arts

;

that of sponging, on the contrary,

is

noble.

Friendship,
less,

that
find,

theme of the encomiast,

is

neither

more nor

you

will

than the beginning of sponging.

Tyc.
Si.

How

do you make that out
the

?

Well, no one asks an enemy, a stranger, or even a mere
;

acquaintance, to dinner
will share bit

man must
I

be

his friend before

he

and sup with him, and admit him to
I

initiation in
say.

these sacred mysteries.

know
?

have often heard people

Friend, indeed

!

by what right
;

he has never eaten or drunk
has done that
is

with

us.

You
take a

see

only the

man who

a friend

to be trusted.

Next

sound proof, though not the only one, that
:

it is

23

the most royal of the arts

at the rest of

them men have

to

work (not to mention
posture,

toil

and sweat)

in the sitting or standing

which marks them
is

for the absolute slaves of their art,

whereas the sponger

free to recline like a king.
I

As to

his

happy condition,

need no more than allude to the 24

The
wise Homer's words
;

Parasite
and he alone, that
'

i

7 7

he

it is,

planteth not,

nor ploughs
sown.' 25

'

;

he

'

reapeth where he hath not ploughed nor

Again, while knavery and folly are no bar to rhetoric, mathematics, or copper-working,

no knave or

fool

can get on

as a

sponger.
Tyc. Dear, dear, what an amazing profession
!

I

am

almost

tempted to exchange
26
Si.

my own
now

for

it.

I

consider
;

I

have

established
it

its

superiority to art in

general

let us
silly

next show how
to

excels individual arts.
;

And

it

would be
its

compare

it

with the trades
it

I

leave that to

detractors,

and undertake to prove
professions.

superior to the greatest

and most honourable
that no

Such by universal acknow;

ledgement are Rhetoric and Philosophy
insist
if I

indeed, some people
;

name but

science
far

is

grand enough for them

so

prove sponging to be

above even these, a

fortiori it will

excel the others as Nausicaa her maids.

27

Now,
Rhetoric

its

first

superiority
this
is

it

enjoys

over Philosophy and
real existence
;

alike,

and

in the

matter of

it

can claim that, they cannot.
consistent notion of Rhetoric,

Instead of our having a single

some
a

of us consider
artfulness,

it

an

art,

some the negation
Similarly there
relation to
it
;

of art,

some

mere

and

so on.
its

is

no unity

in Philosophy's subject, or in

Epicurus takes one view, the Stoics another, the
Peripatetics, others
;

Academy, the

in fact Philosophy has as
far

many

definitions as definers.

So

at least victory

wavers

between them, and
conclusion
is

their profession cannot be called one.
;

The
real

obvious

I

utterly deny that

what has no
is

existence can be an art.

To
is

illustrate

:

there

one and only
;

one Arithmetic

;

twice two

four whether here or in Persia
;

Greeks and barbarians have no quarrel over that
sophies are

but philotheir begin-

many and

various, agreed neither

upon

nings nor their ends
Ll'CIAN
III

M

178
Tyc. Perfectly true
it
;

Ths Parasite
they
call

Philosophy one, but they make

many.
Si.

Well, such a want of

harmony might be excused

in other 28

arts,

they being of

a

contingent nature, and the perceptions on

which they are based not being immutable.
struments out of tune
then,
is

But that

Philo-

sophy should lack unity, and even conflict with

itself like in-

—how can that be tolerated

?

Philosophy,
it

not one, for

I find its diversity infinite.

And

cannot

be many, because

it is

Philosophy, not philosophies.

The real existence of Rhetoric must incur the same criticism. 29 That with the same subject-matter all professors should not
agree, but maintain conflicting opinions,

amounts to

a

demonstraexist.

tion

:

that which

is

differently
is

apprehended cannot

The

inquiry whether a thing
that
it is

this or that, in place of
a

agreement

one,

is

tantamount to
is

negation of
!

its

existence.

How

different

the case of Sponging

for Greeks or bar- 30

barians, one in nature

and subject and method.
this

No
;

one

will tell

you that these sponge
Epicureans, that

way, and those that

there are no

spongers with peculiar principles, to match those of Stoics and
I

know

of

;

they are

all

agreed
I

;

their
it

conduct

and

their

end
is

alike

harmonious.
itself.

Sponging,

take

on

this

showing,

just

Wisdom

Tyc. Yes, I think you have dealt with that point sufficiently apart from that,
to your art
Si.
I
.?

;

31

how do you show

the inferiority of Philosophy

must

first
;

mention that no sponger was ever

in love

with Philosophy
set their hearts

but many philosophers are recorded to have
still

on Sponging, to which they

remain con-

stant.

Tyc. Philosophers caring to sponge
Si.

?

Names,
;

please.

Names

?

You know them
it
is.

well enough
it as

you only play

at not

knowing because you regard

a slur

on

their characters,

instead of as the credit

The
Tyc. Simon,
will find
Si.

Parasite
I

179

I

solemnly assure you

cannot think where you

your instances.
bright
?

Honour

Then

I

conclude you never patronize

their biographers, or

you could not hesitate about

my

reference.

Tyc. Seriously,
Si.

I

long to hear their names.
list
;

Oh,

I will

give you a

;

not bad names either

;

the

elite, if I

am

correctly informed

they will rather surprise you.
as

32

Aeschines the Socratic, now, author of dialogues as witty

they are long, brought them with him to Sicily in the hope that they would gain him the royal notice of Dionysius
;

having

given a reading of the Miltiades, and found himself famous, he
settled

down
I

in Sicily to sponge

on Dionysius and forget Socratic

composition.

35

Again,

suppose you will pass Aristippus of Cyrene
?

as a dis-

tinguished philosopher
Tyc. Assuredly.
Si.

Well, he was living there too at the same time and on

the same terms.

Dionysius reckoned him the best of all spongers;
a special gift that

he had indeed
his cooks to

way

;

the prince used to send

him

daily for instruction.

He,

I think,

was

really

an ornament to the profession. 34

Well then, Plato, the noblest of you
the same view
;

all,

came

to Sicily with

he did

a

few days' sponging, but found himself
leave.

incompetent and had to

He went

back to Athens, took

considerable pains with himself, and then had another try, with
exactly the same result, however.
to
Plato's Sicilian disaster seems

me
Tyc.
Si.

to bear comparison with that of Nicias.

Your authority

for

all

this,

pray

?

35

Oh, there

are plenty of authorities
a

;

but

I

will specify

Aristoxenus the musician,

weighty one enough, and himself

attached as a sponger to Neleus.

Then you

of course

know

that Euripides held this relation to Archelaus

till

the day of his

death, and Anaxarchus to Alexander.

N 2

i8o
As
I

The

Parasite

for Aristotle, that tiro in all arts was a tiro here too. 36 have shown you, then, and without exaggeration, the philo- 37 sophic passion for sponging. On the other hand, no one can

point to a sponger

who
is

ever cared to philosophize.
is

But

of course,

if

never to be hungry, thirsty, or cold,
the

to

be 38

man who is in that position. Cold hungry philosophers you may see any day, but never a cold hungry sponger the man would not be a sponger, that is all,
happy, the sponger
;

but

a

wretched pauper, no better than

a philosopher.

Tyc. Well, let that pass.
points in which your art
Sz.
is
is

And now what about
sir,

those

many 39
?

superior to Rhetoric and Philosophy
has
its

Human

life,

my

dear
is

times and seasons

;

there

peace time and there

war time.

These provide unfailing
Shall

tests for

the character of arts and their professors.
first,

we

take

war time

and

see

who
?

will

do best

for himself

and for

his city

under those conditions

Tyc. Ah,

now comes

the tug of war.

It tickles

me,

this

queer

match between sponger and philosopher. Sj. Well, to make the thing more natural, and enable you
take
it

to

40

seriously, let us picture the circumstances.

Sudden news
;

has

come

of a hostile invasion
sit still

;

it

has to be

met
is

we

are not
;

going to

while our outlying territory

laid

waste

the
all

commander-in-chief
liable

issues orders for a general

muster of

to

serve

;

the

troops

gather,

including

philosophers,

rhetoricians,
as

and spongers.

We

had better

the proper preliminary to arming.

a look at

them

individually and see

strip them first, Now, my dear sir, have how they shape. Some of

them you

will find thin

and white with underfeeding

all

goose-

flesh, as if

they were lying wounded already.

Now, when you
such starvelings'

think of a hard day, a stand-up fight with press and dust and

wounds, what

is

it

but
it ?

a sorry jest to talk of

being able to stand

Now

go and inspect the sponger.

Full-bodied, flesh a nice 41

The
colour, neither white
lilce

Parasite
woman's nor tanned
a

I8l
like a slave's
;

a

you can
and

see his spirit

;

he has

keen look,
;

as a

gentleman should,

a high, full-blooded

one to boot

none of your shrinking

feminine glances

when you

are going to

war

!

A
if

noble pikenoble death

man
is

that,

and

a noble corpse, for that matter,

a

his fate.

42
I

But why deal

in conjecture

when

there are facts to hand
all

?

make the simple statement that
lived,

in war, of

the rhetoricians

and philosophers who ever
the city walls, and the few

most never ventured outside
under compulsion, take their

who

did,

places in the ranks left their posts

and went home.
Well, prove
Isocrates,
it.

Tyc.
Si.

A

bold extravagant assertion.
then.

Rhetoricians,

Of

these,

so

far
;

from

serving in war, never even ventured into a law-court
afraid,

he was

because his voice was weak,

I

understand.

Well, then

Demades, Aeschines, and

Philocrates, directly the

Macedonian
his interests

war broke
in

out,

were frightened into betraying their country
Philip.
;

and themselves to
Athenian
side

They simply espoused
As
for Hyperides,
spirits,

politics

and any other Athenian who took the
Demosthenes,
raising

same

was their friend.

and Lycurgus, supposed to be bolder

and always

scenes in the assembly with their abuse of Philip,

how

did they

ever

show

their prowess in the

war
as

?

Hyperides and Lycurgus

never went out, did not so
the gates
;

much

dare show their noses beyond

they sat snug inside in a domestic state of siege,
little

composing poor
chieftain,

decrees and resolutions.

And

their great

who had no
'

gentler words for Philip in the assembly

than

'

the brute from Macedon, which cannot produce even

a slave

worth buying

well,
;

he did take heart of grace and go

to Boeotia the day before

but battle had not been joined

when he threw away
heard
in
this before
;

his shield

and made
talk

off.

You must have

it

was

common

not only at Athens, but

Thrace and Scythia, whence the creature was derived.

;

182
Tyc. Yes,
I

The
know
all

Parasite
But then these
are
orators,
;

that.
fight.

43

trained to speak,

not to

But the philosophers

you

cannot say the same of them.
Sii.

Oh, yes

;

they discuss manliness every day, and do a great
;

deal

more towards wearing out the word Virtue than the orators
still

but you will find them

greater cowards and shirkers.

-

How
run

do

I

know

?

— In the
?

first

place, can

any one name

a

philosopher

killed in battle

No, they

either

do not

serve, or else

away.

Antisthenes, Diogenes, Crates, Zeno, Plato, Aeschines,

Aristotle,

and

all

their

company, never
solitary

set eyes

on

a battle array.

Their wise Socrates was the

one who dared to go out

and

in the battle of
safe to the

and got

gymnasium

Delium he ran away from Mount Parnes of Taureas. It was a far more
striplings

civilized proceeding, according to his ideas, to sit there talking
soft nonsense to

handsome

and posing the company
a

with quibbles, than to cross spears with
Tyc. Well,
I

grown Spartan.
and from people

have heard these
intent.

stories before,
I

who had no
them by way
behaviour

satirical

So

acquit you of slandering
profession.

of magnifying your
if

own

But come now,
;

you don't mind, to the sponger's military 44 and also tell me whether there is any sponging

recorded of the ancients.
Si.

My

dear fellow, the most uneducated of us has surely

heard enough of
heroes spongers.

Homer to know that he makes the best of his The great Nestor, whose tongue distilled
;

honeyed speech, sponged on the King

Achilles was, and was

known

for,

the most upright of the Greeks in form and in

mind

;

but neither for him, for Ajax, nor for Diomede, has
such admiring praise
Achilleses that ago,
if

Agamemnon

as for
;

Nestor.

It

is

not for ten Ajaxes or

he prays

no,

Troy would have been taken long
ten

he had had in

his host

men
is

like

— that old sponger.
the

Idomeneus, of Zeus's own kindred,

also represented in

same

relation to

Agamemnon.

The
45
in

Parasite
;

183
feel sure of

Tyc.

I

know the

pasrages

but

I

do not

the sense

which they were spongers.
Si.

Well, recall the lines in which

Agamemnon

addresses

Idomeneus.
Tyc.
Si.

How

do they go

?

For thee the cup stands ever full, Even as for me, whene'er it lists thee drink.
he speaks of the cup ever
full,
is

When

he means not that

it is

perpetually ready (when Idomeneus
instance),

fighting or sleeping, for
all

but that he has had the peculiar privilege

through

his life of sharing

the King's table without that special invitation
Ajax, after a glorious
to lordly Agamemnon,'

which
single

is

necessary for his other followers.
'

combat with Hector, they brought
;

we

are told

he,

you

see,
;

is

admitted to the royal table (and high

time too)

as

an honour

whereas Idomeneus and Nestor were
;

the King's regular table companions

at least that

is

my

idea.

Nestor

I

take to have been an exceedingly
;

good and
first

skilful
;

sponger on royalty

Agamemnon was
I

not his

patron

he

had served
but
for

his apprenticeship

under Caeneus and Exadius.

And

Agamemnon's death

imagine he would never have

relinquished the profession.

Tyc. Yes, that was a first-class sponger.

Can you

give

me

any more
46
of
Si.

?

Why, Tychiades, what
?

else

was Patroclus's relation to
round,
as

Achilles

and he was
all.

as fine a fellow, all

any Greek

them

Judging by

his actions, I

cannot make out that

he was inferior to Achilles himself.

When

Hector had forced
it

the gates and was fighting inside by the ships,

was Patroclus

who

repelled

him and extinguished the
;

flames which had got

a hold

on

Protesilaus's ship

yet one would not have said the

people aboard her were inefficient

—Ajax and Teucer they were,
bow.

one

as

good

in the melee as the other with his

A

great

number

of the barbarians, including Sarpedon the son of Zeus,


184
fell

; ;

The
His

Parasite
death was no
;

to this sponger.

own

common
Paris

one.

It

took only one man, Achilles, to slay Hector
for Achilles himself
;

was enough
to the

but two

men and

a

God went

killing of the sponger.

And

his last

words bore no resemblance

to those of the

mighty Hector, who prostrated himself before
let his relations

Achilles

and besought him to

have

his

body

no, they were such as
sion.

might be expected from one of
:

his profes-

Here they But

are

of thy like I
all

And
show him
Si.

the score

would have faced a score. my spear had given to death.

Tyc. Yes, you have proved

him

a

good man

;

but can you 47
?

to have been not Achilles's friend, but a sponger

I will

produce you
a

his

own statement
! :

to that effect.

Tyc.
Si.

What

miracle-worker you are
lines,

Listen to the
Achilles, lay

then

my

bones not far from thine

;

Thou and

thine fed

me
:

;

let

me

lie

by thee.

And

a little

further on he says

Peleus

me
if

received,

And
that
is,

nurtured gently, and thy henchman named,
;

gave him the right of sponging

he had meant to

allude to Patroclus as his son's friend, he

would not have used

the

word henchman
slaves

;

for he

was

a free

man.
?

man,

and friends being excluded

What is a henchWhy, obviously a

sponger.

Accordingly

relation to Idomeneus.

Homer uses the same word of Meriones's And by the way it is not Idomeneus,
as
'

though he was son of Zeus, that he describes
it is

peer of Ares

'

the sponger Meriones.

Again, did not Aristogiton, poor and of

mean

extraction, as 48
?

Thucydides describes him, sponge on Harmodius
also,

He

was

of

course,

in

love with
classes.

him

a

quite natural relation
it

between the two

This sponger

was,

then,

who

The

Parasite
now

i

8 y

delivered Athens from tyranny, and

adorns the markethis

place in bronze, side by side with the object of

passion.

And now
fession.

I

have given you an example or two of the pro-

49
in

But what war
.?

sort of a guess
first

do you make
he

at the sponger's

behaviour

In the

place,

will fight

on

a full belly, as

Odysseus advises.
says,

You must

feed the
it

however early in the morning

man who is to fight, he may happen to be. The

time that others spend in fitting on helmet or breastplate with
nervous care, or in anticipating the horrors of battle, he will

devote to putting away

his

food with

a

cheerful countenance,

and

as

soon

as business

begins you will find

him

in front.

His

patron will take
shield as

his

place behind him, sheltering under his
;

Teucer under Ajax's
own.

when
his

missiles

begin to

fly

the

sponger will expose himself for
values

patron, whose safety he

more than
fall

his

50

Should he

in battle, neither officer nor

comrade need

feel

ashamed of that great body, which now

reclines as appropriate an

ornament of the

battle-field as
is

it

once was of the dining-room.

A

pretty sight

a philosopher's
;

body by

its

side,

withered,

squalid,

and bearded

he was dead before the fight began,
city

poor weakling.

Who

would not despise the
?

whose guards

are such miserable creatures

Who
so

would not suppose, seeing
it

these pallid, hairy manikins scattered on the ground, that

had none to fight for
to
fill

it,

and
is

had turned out

its

gaol-birds

the ranks

?

That

how

the spongers differ from the

rhetoricians and philosophers in war.

51

Then
glance
Tyc.

in

peace time, sponging seems to
as

me

as

much

better
to

than philosophy
first at

peace

itself

than war.

Be kind enough
but

the scenes of peace.
;

I

do not quite know what they are

let us

glance

at them,
Si.

by

all

means.

Well, you will let

me

describe as civil scenes the market,

;

1

8

6

The Pa rasite
and the dining-room
?

the courts, the wrestling-schools and gymnasia, the huntingfield

Tyc. Certainly.
Sj.

To

market and courts the sponger gives a wide berth
;

;

they are the haunts of chicanery

there

is

no

satisfaction to

be got out of them.

But
;

at wrestling-school
is is

and gymnasium

he

is

in

his

element

he

their chief glory.

Show me

a

philosopher or orator

who

in the
;

same

class

with him when

he

strips
;

in

the wrestling-school

look at them in the
it.

gym-

nasium

they shame instead of adorning

And

in a lonely

place none of

them would

face the onset of a wild beast

the sponger
of
it
;

will,

though, and find no difficulty in disposing

his table familiarity

with

it

has bred contempt.
;

A
;

stag

or a wild boar

may put up
its

its bristles

he will not mind

the

boar

may whet
As

tusks against

him

;

he only returns the comto

pliment.

for hares,

he

is

more deadly

them than
is

a grey-

hound.

And
his
sits

then in the dining-room, where
?

his

match, to

jest or to eat

Who

will contribute

most to entertainment,

he with
in

song and

his joke, or a

person

who

has not a laugh
his eyes
?

him,

in a threadbare cloak,

and keeps

on the

ground
me,
I

as if

he was at

a

funeral and not a dinner

If

you

ask

think a philosopher has about as
as a bull in a

much

business in a dining-

room

china-shop.

But enough
First it will be

of this.
life,

sponger's actual

What impression when one compares
is

does one get of the 52
it

with the other

?

found that he

indifferent to reputation,

and
all

does not care a jot
rhetoricians

what people think about him, whereas
and what
he would
as if

and philosophers without exception are the
is

slaves

of vanity, reputation,

worse, of money.

No

one

could be more careless of the pebbles on the shore than the

sponger

is

of

money

;

as

soon touch

fire as

gold.

But

the rhetoricians and,

that were not bad enough, the pro-

fessed philosophers, are beneath

contempt

in this respect.

No

The
need to
illustrate in

Pa.msite
;

187
but of the

the case of the rhetoricians

philosophers whose repute stands highest at present, one was
lately convicted of taking a bribe for his verdict in a law-suit,

and another expects

a salary for giving a prince his

company,
and hire

and counts
very

it

no shame to go into

exile in his old age,

himself out for pay like

some Indian or Scythian
calls

captive.

The
his

name

his

conduct has earned him

no blush to

cheek.

53

But
of

their susceptibilities are

by no means limited to these
of desires,

;

pain, temper, jealousy,
all

and
is

all sorts

must be added
of
;

;

which the sponger

beyond the reach

he does not

yield to

temper because on the one hand he has fortitude, and
irritate
is

on the other hand he has no one to
he
is

him.

Or
As

if

by any chance moved to wnth, there
it
;

nothing disagreeto

able or sullen about

it

entertains and amuses merely.

pain, he has less of that to endure than anybody, one of his
profession's

recommendations and

privileges

being just that
slave,

immunity.
children

He

has

neither

money, house,

wife,

nor

— those hostages to Fortune.
He
will feel pain
see,
is

He

desires neither fame,

wealth, nor beauty.

54

Tyc.
Si.

if

the supplies run short,
is

I

presume.

Ah, but you

he

not a sponger
if

if

that happens.
a

A
a

courageous

man

not courageous
if

he has no courage,

sensible

one not sensible

he has no sense.
\Vc

He
are

could not be
the
in

sponger

under those conditions.
If

discussing
is

sponger,

not the non-sponger.

the courageous

so

virtue of his courage, the sensible sensible in virtue of his sense,

then the sponger
away, and

is

a

sponger in virtue of sponging.
be dealing with something

Take that
and not

we

shall

else,

with a sponger

at

all.
}

Tyc. So his supplies will never run short
Si.

Manifestl}'.

So he

is

as

free

from

tiiat sort

of pain as

from others.

;

1

88
Then
all

The
You may

Parasite

philosophers and rhetoricians are timorous creatures 55
generally see

together.

them carrying

sticks
if

on

their

walks

;

well, of course they

would not go armed
just latches his

they were

not afraid.

And

they bar their doors elaborately, for fear of

night attacks.
that the
night,

Now

our

man
it

room
is

door, so

wind may not blow

open
if

;

if

there

a noise in
;

the

it is all

the same to him as

there were none
;

he will

travel a lonely road

and wear no sword
I

he does not know

what
there

fear
is

is.

But

am

always seeing philosophers, though
of,

nothing to be afraid

carrying bows and arrows

as for their sticks,

they take them to bath or breakfast with

them.
Again, no one can accuse a sponger of adultery, violence, 56
rape, or in fact of

any crime whatsoever.

One
is

guilty of such
If

offences will not be sponging,

but ruining himself.
thenceforth

he

is

caught in adultery,
offence.

his

style

taken from his
repute,
offence

Just as a piece of cowardice brings a
so, I take it,

but disrepute,

the sponger
in

man not who commits an

loses his previous title

and gets

exchange that proper to the

offence.

Of such

offences

on the part of rhetoricians and philo-

sophers,
in our

on the other hand, we have not only abundant examples
time, but records against the ancients in their
is

own

own

writings.

There

an Apology of Socrates, of Aeschines, of

Hyperides, of Demosthenes, and indeed of most of their kind.

There

is

no sponger's apology extant, and you
suppose you will

will

never hear

of anybody's bringing a suit against one.

Now
is

I

tell

me

that the sponger's
is

life

may be 57
;

better than theirs, but his death
a far

worse.

Not
all

a bit of it

it

happier one.

We know very well

that

or

most philo-

sophers have had the wretched fate they deserved, some by

poison after condemnation for heinous crimes, some by burning
alive,

some by strangury, some

in exile.
;

No

one can adduce

a sponger's death to

match these

he eats and drinks, and dies

The
a blissful death.
If

Parasite

i

8

9

you are told that any died

a violent one,

be sure

it

was nothing worse than indigestion.

58

Tyc. I must say, you have done well for your kind against the philosophers.
of view
rich
;

And now

look at

it

from the patron's point
?

does he get his money's worth

It strikes

me

the

man

does the kindness, confers the favour, finds the food,
a little discreditable to
really,

and

it is all

the
is

man who
silly

takes

them.

Si.

Now,
as

Tychiades, that

rather

of you.
is

Can
yet
if

you not
poor

see that a rich

man,

if

he had the gold of Gyges,
a

long

as

he dines alone, and no better than
?

tramp

he

goes abroad unattended

A

soldier

without
its

his arms, a dress

without
things
;

its

purple, a horse without
a rich

trappings,
is

are poor

and

man without

his

sponger

a

mean, cheap

spectacle.

The

sponger gives lustre to the patron, never the

patron to the other.

59

Aloreover, none of the reproach that you imagine attaches
to sponging
;

you

refer,
it is

of course, to the difference in their

degrees

;

but then
;

an advantage to the rich
is

man

to keep

the other

apart from his ornamental use, he

a

most valuable

bodyguard.
the rich

In battle no one will be over ready to undertake

man with

such a comrade at his side

;

and you can
So he
is

hardly, having him, die by poison.

Who

would dare attempt
?

such a thing, with him tasting your food and drink
brings you not only credit, but insurance.

His affection

such that he will run

all risks

;

he would never leave his patron
;

to face the dangers of the table alone

no, he

would rather eat

and die with him.
60
T^yc.

You have

stated your case without missing a point,

Simon.

Do

not

tell

me you were
There
?

unprepared again

;

you have
I

been trained
should
like to

in a

good school, man.
is

But one thing more

know.

a nasty

sound about the word
Oblige

sponger, don't you think
Si.

See whether

I

have a satisfactory answer to that.


190
me by
tions.

The
Sponging
Dining out,
is

Parasite

giving wliat you consider the right answers to

my

quesI

an old word

;

what does

it

really

mean

lye. Getting your dinner at some one
Si.

else's

expense.

in fact

?

7yc. Yes.
Si.

Tyc.
Si.

And we may call a sponger The gravamen's in that
;

an out-diner

?

he should dine at home.

A
?

few more answers,
?

you consider the best
choice
Tyc.
Si.

—^To
The The
Still
I

please. Of these pairs, which do Which would you take, if you had the
I

sail,

or to out-sail

latter.
?

To

run or out-run
latter.

Tyc.
Si.

Ride or out-ride, shoot or out-shoot
the same.
is

?

Tyc.
Si.

So

presume an out-diner

better than a diner
I shall

?

Tyc. Indisputable.

Henceforward

come
first

to

you mornI

ing and afternoon like a schoolboy for lessons.

And

am

sure

you ought to do your very best
first

for

me,

as

your

pupil.

The

child

is

always the mother's joy, you

know ^

ANACHARSIS, A DISCUSSION OF PHYSICAL TRAINING
Anacharsis.
Solon
like this,

An.
of

Why do your young men behave them grappling and tripping each
And
It

Solon

?

Some

other,

some

throttling,

struggling, intertwining in the clay like so
ing.
I

many

pigs wallow-

yet their

first

proceeding after they have stripped
;

noticed that
*

is

to oil and scrape each other quite amicably
little wi'.h

has been necessary, in § 60, to tamper a
it is
;

the Greek in order

to get the point, such as

but

it

has not been seriously misrepresented.

^nacharsis
but then
I

191
them— they put down
that one has lifted the
;

do not know what comes over

their heads

and begin to push, and crash
rams.
legs,

their foreheads together

like a pair of rival

There, look

!

other right off

liis

and dropped him on the ground
will
;

now

he has
presses

fallen
it

on

top,

and

not

let

him get
finish

his

head up, but
off

down

into the clay

and to

him

he twines
his
is

his legs tight

round

his belly, thrusts his

elbow hard against

throat,

and throttles the wretched victim, who meanwhile
;

patting his shoulder
is

that will be a form of supplication

;

he

asking not to be quite choked to death.
oil,
till

Regardless of their

fresh

they get

all

filtliy,

smother themselves in

mud

and and
eels

sweat

they might

as

well not have been anointed,

present, to

me

at least, the

most ludicrous resemblance to

slipping through a man's hands. 2

Then

here in the open court are others doing just the same,

except that instead of the clay they have for floor a depression filled with deep sand, with

which they

sprinkle
;

one another,

scraping up the dust on purpose, like fowls

I
is

suppose they
to neutralize

want
grip-

their interlacings to be tighter
oil,

;

the sand
it

the slipperiness of the

and by drying

up

to give a firmer

3

And

here are others, sanded too, but on their
kicks.

legs,

going at

each other with blows and

We
;

shall suiely see this
his

poor

fellow spit out his teeth in a minute

mouth

is

all

full of

blood and sand
fist,

;

he has had

a

blow on the jaw from the other's
official

you

see.

Why

does not the
it ?

there separate
is

them
his

and put an end to
purple
;

I

guess that he

an

official

from

but no, he encourages them, and commends the one

who
4
ing
(;

gave that blow.
look,

Wherever you

everyone busy
air,

— rising on
it

his toes,

jump-

up and kicking the
I

or something.
is

Now
looks

want to know what
like

the good of
else.

all.

To me

it

more

madness

tlian

anything

It will

not be very

192
wrong
So.

Anacharsis^ a Discussion

easy to convince

me

that people

who behave

like this are

not

in their heads. It
is

quite natural

it

should strike you that way, being so 6
Similarly

novel,

and so utterly contrary to Scythian customs.

you

have no

doubt

many methods and
if

habits that

would
dear

seem extraordinary enough to us Greeks,
of
sir

we were
no

spectators

them
;

as

you now

are of ours.

But be reassured,
;

my

these proceedings are not madness

it is

spirit of violence

that sets

them

hitting each other, wallowing in clay,

and sprink-

ling dust.

The

thing has

its use,

and
If

its

delight too, resulting
stay,
as

in admirable physical condition.
I

you make some
you
will

imagine you

will,

in Greece,

you are bound to be either
;

a

clay-bob or a dust-bob before long

be so taken

with the pleasure and profit of the pursuit.

An. Hands

off,

please.
;

No,
but

I
if

wish you

all

joy of your

pleasures and your profits
that,

any of you

treats

me

like

he

will find

out that we do not wear scimetars for ornament.
a

But would you mind giving

name

to

all this ?

What

are 7

we

to say they are doing

.?

5o.

The

place

is

called a

gymnasium, and
;

is

dedicated to the

Lycean Apollo.
the
pillar,

You see with a bow in

his statue there

the one leaning on
right

the

left

hand.
is

The

arm bent

over the head indicates that the
exertion.

God

resting after

some great
8

Of the
strike

exercises here, that in the clay

is

called wrestling

;

the youths in the dust are also called wrestlers, and those

who
the

each other standing are engaged in what

we

call

pancratium.

But we have other gymnasiums
;

for boxing, quoit-

throwing, and high-jumping the winner in which
is

and in

all

these

we hold

contests,

honoured above

all his

contemporaries,

and receives

prizes.
prizes,

An. Ah, and what are the
So.

now

?

9
the Isthmus one

At Olympia

a

wreath of wild

olive, at

of Physical Trainings
of pine, at

193

Nemea
at

of parsley, at

Pytho some
oil

of the God's sacred

apples,
olives.

and

our Panathenaea
are

pressed from the temple
?

What
?

you laughing
your

at,

Anacharsis

Are the prizes
the givers

too small

An.

Oh

dear no

;

prize-list

is

most imposing

;

may

well

plume themselves on
this

their munificence,

and the com-

petitors be monstrous keen

on winning.

Who

would not go
his
is

through

amount

of preparatory toil,

and take
It

chance

of a choking or a dislocation, for apples or parsley?

obviously

impossible for any one

who

has a fancy to a supply of apples,

or a wreath of parsley or pine, to get

them without

a

mud

plaster

on
10

his face, or a kick in
So.

the stomach from his competitor.

My
;

dear

sir,

it is

not the things' intrinsic value

that

we

look at.
it is

They

are the symbols of victory, labels

of the

winners

the fame attaching to
;

them that
the

is

worth any
quest of

price to their holders

that
is

is

why
must

man whose
kicks.

honour leads through
no honour
ship
;

toil

content to take his
start

No

toil,

;

he

who

covets that

with enduring hard-

when he

has done that, he

may

begin to look for the

pleasure and profit his labours are to bring.

An. Which pleasure and
their wreaths

profit consists in their being seen in

by every one, and congratulated on
their pain
;

their victory

by those who before commiserated
lies in

their happiness
toil.

their exchange of apples

and parsley for

So.

Ah, you certainly do not understand our ways and
see the

yet.

You

will revise
festivals
filling

your opinions before long, when you go to the great crowds gathering to look on, the stands

up, the competitors receiving their ovations, and the

victor being idolized.
11 in

An. Why, Solon, that
;

is

just

where the humiliation comes
like privacy,

they are treated
all

like this

not in something

but with

these spectators to
to believe, count

watch the

affronts they

endure

—who,

I

am

them happy when they

see

them

194

Anacharsis^ a Discussion
;

dripping with blood or being throttled

for such are the
if

happy
strikes

concomitants of victory.
a citizen, knocks

In

my

country,

a

man

him down, or

tears his clothes,

our elders punish

him

severely, even

though there were only one or two witgatherings.
I

nesses,

not

like

your vast Olympic or Isthmian
I

However, though
still

cannot help pitying the competitors,
at the spectators
; ;

am

more astonished
all

you

tell

me
?

the chief

people from

over Greece attend

how

can they leave their

serious concerns

and waste time on such things

How

they

can

like it passes

my

comprehension

—to look on

at people being

struck and knocked about, dashed to the

ground and pounded

by one another.
5o.

If

the Olympia, Isthmia, or Panathenaea were only on 12

now, those object-lessons might have been enough to convince

you that our keenness

is

not thrown away.

I

cannot make you
;

apprehend the delights of them by description

you should be

there sitting in the middle of the spectators, looking at the

men's courage and physical beauty, their marvellous condition,
effective
skill

and invincible strength,
unconquerable
spirit,

their enterprise, their

emulation,

their

and their unwearied
well,

pursuit of victory.

Oh,

I

know very

you would never

have been tired of talking about your favourites, backing them
with voice and hand.

An.

I

dare say, and with laugh and flout too.
list,

All the fine 13

things in your

your courages and conditions, your beauties

and
is

enterprises, I see

you wasting in no high cause
haled away.
as

;

your country

not in danger, your land not being ravaged, your friends or

relations not being

The more

ridiculous that

such patterns of perfection
the misery
figures
all

you make them out should endure
spoil their

for nothing,

and

beauty and their

fine

with sand and black

eyes, just for the

triumphant posses-

sion of an apple or a sprig of wild olive.

Oh, how

I

love to

think of those prizes

!

By the way. do

all

who

enter get

them

?

of Physical Training
So.

i^y

No, indeed.

There

Is

only one winner.

An.

And do you mean

to say such a

number can be found
knowing that the
failures

to toil for a remote uncertainty of success,

winner cannot be more than one, and the

must be

many, with
reward
14
So.
?

their bruises, or their

wounds very
a

likely, for sole

Dear me
If

;

you have no idea yet of what

is

good

political

constitution, or

you would never depreciate the best

of our
a State

customs.

you ever take the trouble to inquire how
its

may
will

best

be organized, and

citizens best developed,

you

ness

commending these practices and the earnestwith which we cultivate them then you will realize what
find yourself
;

good

effects are inseparable

from those

toils

which seem

for the

moment
why
did

to tax our energies to no purpose.
I

An. Well, Solon, why did
I

come

all

the

way from

Scythia,

make the long stormy passage

of the Euxine, but to

learn the laws of Greece, observe your customs, and

work out
all

the best constitution

?

That was why
and host
;

I

chose you of
;

Athenians for

my

friend

I

had heard of you

I

had

been told you were

a legislator,

you had devised the most
call a

admirable customs, introduced institutions of great excellence,

and in
all

fact built

up what you
teach

constitution.
pupil.

Before

things,

then,

me

;

make me your
sit

Nothing

would
sup for
to
15

please
as

me more
as

than to

by your
and

side

without bit or

long

you could hold out, and
say of constitution

listen

open-mouthed

what you have to
So.

laws.

friend.

The whole thing can hardly be so shortly disposed of, You must take the different departments, one by one,
upon the Gods, then upon
But
I will let

and

find out our views

parents,
at

upon marriage, and

so for the rest.

you know
treat

once what we think about the young, and

how we

them

when when

higher things begin

to

dawn upon

their intelligence,

their frames begin to set

and to be capable of endurance.

o 2

i9<^

AnacharstSy a Discussion
grasp our purpose in imposing these exercises

Then you will
them and

upon
there

insisting

on physical

effort

;

our view

is

not bounded

by the contests, and directed to their carrying

off prizes

—of
point

course only a small proportion of
;

them
There
and

ever reach that

no

;

the indirect benefit that
is

we

secure for their city
is

and themselves
test in

of

more importance.

another conwreaths are

which

all

good

citizens get prizes,

its

not of pine or wild olive or parsley, but of complete

human
ritual,

happiness, including individual freedom and political independence, wealth

and repute, enjoyment
and
all

of our

ancient

security of our dear ones,

the choicest boons a

man

might
I tell

ask of

Heaven.
is

It
;

is

of these materials that the wreath
thsit

you of

woven

and they are provided by and these
!

contest

for

which

this training

toils

are the preparation.

An. You strange

man

you had

all

these grand prizes

up i6

your

sleeve,

and you told

me

a tale of apples

and parsley and

tufts of wild olive
So.

and pine.
not think those such
trifles either,

Ah, you

will

when you
spirit,

take
all

my

meaning.

They
of.

are manifestations of the

same

small parts of that greater contest, and of the wreath of
I told

happiness

you

But

it is

true that instead of beginning

at the beginning I

was carried away to the meetings at the

Isthmus and Olympia and Nemea.
of time,

However, we have plenty
it is

and you

profess curiosity

;

a

simple matter to go
I tell

back to the beginning, to that many-prized contest which

you

is

the real end of
will
;

all.
;

An. That

be better

we

are

more

likely to

prosper on
inclination

the high road

perhaps

I shall

even be cured of

my

to laugh at any one I see priding himself

on

his olive or parsley

wreath.

But

I

propose that

we go

into the shade over there

and

sit

down on

the benches, not to be interrupted by these

rounds of cheering.

enough

of this sun

;

And indeed I must confess I have had how it scorches one's bare head I did
!


of Phy sical Train in anot want to look
like a foreigner, so I left
its

197
hat at home.
as

my

But the year
the
air

is

at

hottest

;

the dog-star,
a

you

call it, is

burning everything up, and not leaving
;

drop of moisture

in

and the noonday sun right overhead
I

gives an absolutely
at

intolerable heat.
far

cannot make out

how you
a hair
;

your age, so

from dripping
for

like

me, never turn

instead of looking

about
kindly.
So.

some hospitable shade, you take your sunning quite
useless toils, these perpetual clay-

Ah, Anacharsis, these

baths, these miseries in the sand

and the open

air,

are pro-

phylactics against the sun's rays
his shafts.

;

we need no
as

hats to

ward

off

But come

along.

17

And you
I

are not to regard
as

me
you
of

an authority whose state;

ments are to be accepted
have not made out

matter of faith

wherever you think

my

case,

are to contradict
shall

me

at
;

once

and get the thing

straight.

So we
all

stand to win

either

you, after relieving your

mind

objections that strike you,

will reach a firm conviction, or, failing that, I shall

have found

out
a

my

mistake.

And

in the latter case,

Athens

will
;

owe you
for

debt that she cannot be too quick to acknowledge

your

instructions and corrections of

my

ideas will
;

redound to her
produce
it
all

advantage.

I

shall

keep nothing back
in the assembly

I

shall
:

in public, stand

up

and say

Men
7nost

of

Athens,

I drew up

for

you such laws as I thought would

advantage

you;

but this stranger

— and

at

that

word

I

point to you,
to

Anacharsis

this stranger

from Scythia has been wise enough
better ways.
in

show

me my mistake and teach me
as your benefacior^s
or by
;

Let his name be inscribed

set

him up

bronze beside your name-Gods,

Athene on

the citadel.

And
is

be assured that Athens will

not be ashamed to learn what

for her

good from

a

barbarian

and an
18
I

alien.
I

An. Ah, now

have

a
of.

specimen of that Attic irony which
I

have so often heard

am

an unsettled wanderer

who

198
lives

Anacharsis^ a Discussion
on
his cart
a city,

and goes from land to land, who has never
nor even seen one
till

dwelt in

now

;

how

should
that
is

I lay

down

a constitution, or give lessons to a people
soil it lives

one

with the

on \ and

for all these

ages has enjoyed
?

the blessings of perfect order in this ancient city
all,

How, above
say
it is

instruct that Solon
a state

whose native

gift all

men

to

know how
bring
too
;

may
?

best be governed, and

what laws

will

it

happiness

Nevertheless, you shall be

my

legislator

I will contradict you,

where
here

I

think you wrong, for
are, safely

my

own
Start

better instruction.

And

we

covered from

the sun's pursuit, and this cool stone invites us to take our ease.

now and

give

me your

reasons.

generation so young, and subject

them

Why seize upon the rising How do to such toils
?

you develop perfect virtue out
the exact contribution to
it

of clay

and training

?

What
?

is

of dust

and summersaults
All the rest

That

and that only

is

my

first curiosity.

you

shall give

me by
I

degrees as occasion
in

rises later.

But, Solon, one thing

you must bear

mind

:

you

are talking to a barbarian.
brief
;

What

mean
So.

is,

you must be simple, and
if

I

am

afraid I shall

forget the beginning,

a

very abundant flow follows.

Why, you had
is

better

work the

sluice yourself,

whenever 19

the word-stream
channel.
questions.

either turbid or diverging into a

wrong
irrele-

As

for

mere continuance, you can cut that up by
so long as

However,

what

I

have to say

is

not

vant, I do not

know

that length matters.

There

is

an ancient

procedure in the Areopagus, our murder court.

When

the

members have ascended the hill, and taken their seats to decide a case of murder or deliberate maiming or arson, each side is
allowed to address the court in turn, prosecution and defence

being conducted either by the principals or by counsel.
long
as

As

they speak to the matter in hand, the court

listens

silently

and patiently.
*

But

if

either prefaces his speech with

See Athenians in Notes.

of Physical Training
an appeal to
its

199
compassion

benevolence, or attempts to

stir its

or indignation by irrelevant considerations
fession

have numberless ways of

playing

— and the legal proupon — the
juries
is
,

usher at once comes up and silences him.

The

court

not to

be

trifled

with or have

its

food disguised with condiments, but

to be

shown the bare

facts.

Now,
;

Anacharsis,
shall

I

hereby create
according to

you you

a

temporary Areopagite

you

hear

me

that court's practice, and silence
;

me

if

you find
I

me

cajoling

but

as
is

long

as I

keep to the point,

may

speak at large.
;

For there

no sun here to make length

a

burden to you

we

have plenty of shade and plenty of time.

An. That sounds reasonable. you should have given

And

I

take

it

very kindly that

me

this incidental

view of the proceedings

on the Areopagus
the

;

they are very remarkable, quite a pattern of

way

a judicial decision should

be arrived

at.

Let your

speech be regulated accordingly, and the Areopagite of your

appointment
20
So.

shall listen as his office requires.

Well, I must start with a brief preliminary statement of

our views upon city and citizens. not the buildings
are

A

city in our conception

is

walls, temples, docks,

and

so forth

;

these

no more than the
of the

local

habitation that

provides
;

the
is

members

the citizens

community with shelter and that we find the root of the matter
Holding
city's

safety
;

it

in

they

it is

that

replenish and organize and achieve and guard, corresponding in

the city to the soul in man.
indifferent, as
all

this view,
;

you

see, to

our

body
it is

that

we are not we adorn with
external walls. to

the beauty

we can impart

to

it

;

provided with internal

buildings,

and fenced
first,

as securely as

may be with
is

But our

our engrossing preoccupation

make our
will in

citizens noble of spirit

and strong of body.

So they

peace time make the most of themselves and their political
unity, while in
its

war they

will bring their city

through

safe

with

freedom and well-being unimpaired.

Their early breeding

200
we leave them in

Anacharsis^ a Discussion
to their mothers, nurses, and tutors,

who
But

are to rear
as

the elements of a liberal education.
a

soon as

they attain to

knowledge of good and
fear

evil,

when

reverence

and shame and
then

and ambition spring up in them, when and strengthen and be equal to
toil,

their bodies begin to set

we

take

them

over,

and appoint them both

a course of

mental instruction and

discipline,

and one of bodily endurance.

We
for

are not satisfied with

mere spontaneous development either

body or

soul

;

we

think that the addition of systematic

teaching wiU improve the gifted and reform the inferior.

We
and

conform our practice to that of the farmer, who

shelters

fences his plants while they are yet small and tender, to protect

them from the winds,
substance, prunes
it
it

but, as soon as the shoot has gathered
lets

and
it

the winds beat upon
fruitful.

it

and knock

about, and makes

thereby the more

We
them
on,

first

kindle their minds with music and arithmetic, teach 21

to write and to read with expression.
versify, for the better

Then,

as

they get

we

impressing their memories, the
tales.

sayings of wise
as

men, the deeds of old time, or moral

And
may

they hear of worship

won and works

that live in song, they

yearn ever more, and are fired to emulation, that they too

be sung and marvelled at by them that come after, and have And when they attain their their Hesiod and their Homer.
civil rights,

and

it is

time for them to take their share in govern-

ing

—but

all this, it

may

be,

is

irrelevant.

My
fit

subject was not
to subject

how we

train their souls,

but

why we

think

them

to the toils

we

do.

I will silence

myself without waiting for

the usher, or for you,

my

Areopagite,

who have been

too conall

siderate, methinks, in letting
this

me maunder on

out of bounds

way.
please, Solon.

An. Another point of Areopagite procedure,

When

a speaker passes over essential matters in silence, has the
?

court no penalty for him

of Physical Traimng
So.

201

Why
is

?

I

do not take you.
soul,

An. Why, you propose to pass by the question of the

which
the

the noblest and the most attractive to me, and discuss

less essential

matters of gymnasiums and physical exercise.
dear
sir, I

So.

You
;

see,

my

have

my

eye on our original con;

ditions

I

do not want to divert the word-stream

it

might

confuse your

do what

I

memory with its irregular flow. However, I will can in the way of a mere summary for this branch
;

of the subject

as for a detailed

examination of

it,

that must

be deferred.
22
Well,

we

regulate their sentiments partly by teaching

them

the laws of the land, which are inscribed in large letters and

exposed at the public expense for
acts

all

to read, enjoining certain

and forbidding

others,

and partly by making them attend

good men, who teach them to speak with propriety, act with
justice,

content themselves with political equality, eschew
;

evil,

ensue good, and abstain from violence

sophist

and philo-

sopher are the names by which these teachers are known.
over,

More-

we pay

for their admission to the theatre,
villains in

where the con-

templation of ancient heroes and
has
its

tragedy or comedy

educational effect of warning or encouragement.

To

the
in-

comic writers we further give the licence of mockery and

vective against any of their fellow citizens whose conduct they
find discreditable
;

such exposure

the culprits, and upon others by
23

may act both way of example.
in
;

directly

upon

An. Ah,

I

have seen the tragedians and comedians you speak
the former are

of, at least if

men

heavy

stilted shoes,

and

clothes

all

picked out with gold bands

they have absurd headinside

pieces with vast

open mouths, from

which comes an
which
it

enormous

voice, while they take great strides

seems to

me must
festival to

be dangerous in those shoes.

I

think there was a

Dionysus going on at the time.

Then

the comedians
smaller-

are shorter, go

on

their

own

feet, are

more human, and

202
voiced
;

Anacharsts^ a Discussion
but their head-pieces are
still

more

ridiculous, so
like

much
But

so that the audience

was laughing at them

one man.

to the others, the tall ones, every one listened with a dismal
face
;

I

suppose they were sorry for them, having to drag about

those great clogs.
So.

Oh
fine

no, it was not for the actors that they

were

sorry.

The poet was probably
with

setting forth

some sad
the

tale of

long ago,
feelings

speeches that appealed to
tears

audience's

and drew

from them.

I

dare say you observed also some

flute-players,

with other persons

who

stood in a circle and sang
their uses.

in chorus.

These too are things that have

Well,

our youths' souls are made susceptible and developed by these

and

similar influences.

Then
especially

their bodily

training,
as

to which

your curiosity was 24
their
first

directed,
is

is

follows.

When
till

pithless

tenderness

past,

we

strip

them and aim

at hardening

them

to

the temperature of the various seasons,

heat does not incomanoint them with
It
oil

mode nor by way of
more

frost paralyse

them.

Then we

softening

them

into suppleness.
it
is,

would be absurd
living

that leather, dead stuff as
lasting

should be
oil,

made tougher and
body
Accordingly

by being softened with

and the

get no

advantage from

the same process.

we

devise elaborate gymnastic exercises, appoint instructors of each
variety,

and teach one boxing, another the pancratium.

They
and

are to be habituated to endurance, to

meet blows

half way,

never shrink from a wound.
effects in

This method works two admirable

them

:

makes them spirited and heedless of bodily

danger, and at the same time strong and enduring.

Those

whom
to
fall

you saw lowering their
safely

heads

and wrestling learn
lightly, to

and pick themselves up

shove and

grapple and twist, to endure throttling, and to heave an adversary off his legs.
either
;

Their acquirements are not unserviceable
is

the one great thing they gain

beyond dispute

;

their

;

of Physical Training
Add
another advantage of some importance
battle.
it is all

203
much
thus

bodies are hardened and strengthened by this rough treatment.
:

so

practice against the day of
trained,

Obviously

a

man

when he meets
quicker, or
if

a real

enemy,

will grapple

and throw

him the
again.

arms

;

he falls will know better how to get up we are reckoning with that real test in we expect much better results from our material if we
All through

supple and exercise their bodies before the armour goes on,
so increasing their strength and efficiency, making

them

light

and wiry

in themselves

(though the enemy

will rather

be im-

pressed with their weight).

25

You

see

how

it

will act.

Something may surely be expected

from those in arms who even without them would be considered

awkward customers
no cadaverous

;

they show no inert pasty masses of

flesh,

skinniness, they are not shade-blighted

women
like this

they do not quiver and run with sweat at the least exertion,

and pant under

their helmets as soon as a

midday sun

adds to the burden.

What would

be the use of creatures

who

should be overpowered by thirst and dust, unnerved at sight of
blood, and as good as dead before they

came within bow-shot
fellows are

or spear-thrust of the

enemy

?

But our
is

ruddy and
virility in

sunburnt and steady-eyed, there
their looks, they are in

spirit

and

fire

and

prime condition, neither shrunken and
well and truly pro-

withered nor running to corpulence, but
portioned
;

the waste superfluity of their tissues they have
;

sweated out

the

stuff

that

gives

strength

and

activity,

purged from
stance.
nastics,

all

inferior admixture, remains part of their sub-

The winnowing

fan has

its

counterpart in our gymhusks,

which blow away chaff and
inevitable result

and

sift

and

collect

the clean grain.

26

The

is

sound health and great capacity
like this

of

enduring fatigue.

A man

does not sweat for

a trifle,

and seldom shows

signs of distress.

Returning to

my winnow-

2

04

Anacharsts^ a Discussion

ing simile

if

you were to

set fire
its

on the one hand to pure
chaff
;

wheat

grain,

and on the other to

and straw, the
once

latter

would surely blaze up much the quicker
only gradually, without
a blaze

the grain would burn
all

and not

at

;

it

would
Well,

smoulder slowly and take much longer to consume.
disease or fatigue being similarly applied to this sort of
will

body

not

easily find
is

weak

spots, nor get the
its

mastery of

it

lightly.

Its interior

in

good order,
it

exterior strongly fortified against

such assaults, so that

gives neither admission nor entertain-

ment

to the destroying agencies of sun or frost.

To

any place

that begins to weaken under toil comes an accession from the

abundant internal heat collected and stored up against the day
of

need

;

it

fills

the vacancy, restores the vital force,

and

lengthens endurance to the utmost.
dissipation but increase of force,
life.

Past exertion means not
fresh

which can be fanned into

Further,

we accustom them
a

to running, both of the long 27

distance and of the sprinting kind.

And
a

they have to run not

on hard ground with

good footing, but

in deep sand
off,

on which
the foot

you can neither tread firmly nor get
sinking in.

good push

Then, to

fit

them

to leap a trench or other obstacle,

we make them practise with leaden dumb-bells in their hands. And again there are distance matches with the javelin. Yes,
and you saw in the gymnasium
but without handle or straps
;

a

bronze disk
tried

like a small buckler,

you

it as it

lay there,

and

found

it

heavy and, owing to

its

smooth

surface,

hard to handle.

Well, that they hurl upwards and forwards, trying
get
furthest

who

can
that

and outdo

his

competitors

—an

exercise

strengthens the shoulders and braces the fingers and toes.

As to the
I will tell

clay

and dust that

first

moved your
In the

laughter, 28
first

you now why they

are provided.

place,
safe.

that a

fall

may be not on

a

hard surface, but soft and
is

Secondly, greater slipperiness

secured

by sweat and clay

of Physical Training
combined (you compared them to
this
is

2 of
;

eels,

you remember)

now

neither useless nor absurd, but contributes appreciably

to strength

and

activity.

An

adversary in that condition must
baffle his

be gripped tightly enough to
lift

attempts at escape.
oil,

To
is

up

a

man who
I

is

all

over clay, sweat, and
slip

and who

doing
is

his

very best to get away and
assure you.
:

through your
all

fingers,

no

light task,

And

I

repeat that

these things
a

have their military uses too
friend and convey

you may want
of danger
;

to take

up

wounded
to heave

him out

you may want
with him.

an enemy over your head and make

off

So we give

them
29

still

harder tasks in training, that they
less.

may be abundantly

equal to the

The

function
is

we

assign to dust

is

just the reverse, to prevent

one who

gripped from getting loose.

After learning in the

clay to retain their hold

on the

elusive,

they are accustomed in
a firm grasp.

turn to escape themselves even from

Also,

we

believe the dust forms a plaster that keeps in excessive sweat,

prevents waste of power, and obviates the
playing upon a body
Besides which,
like to
it

ill

effects of

the wind

when

its

pores are

all

relaxed and open.
it

cleanses the skin

and makes

glossy.

I

should
live

put side by side one of the white creatures

who

sheltered lives and, after washing off his dust and clay, any of

the

Lyceum

frequenters you should select, and then ask you
I

which you would rather resemble.
your choice at the
could do
;

know you would make
what they

first

glance, without waiting to see
solid

you would rather be

and well-knit than delicate
blood that had hidden

and
itself

soft

and white

for

want

of the

away out

of sight.
exercises

30

Such are the
Anacharsis
;

we
find

we

look

to

prescribe to our young men, them good guardians of their
;

country and bulwarks of our freedom
enemies
if

thus

we

defeat our

they invade

U3,

and so

far

overawe our immediate

neighbours that they mostly acknowledge our supremacy and

2o6
pay us tribute.

A?iacharsisy
During peace

a Discussion
also

we

find our account in their

being free from vulgar ambitions and from the insolence generated by idleness
;

they have these things to
I told

fill

their lives
all

and

occupy their

leisure.

you of

a prize
;

that

and of

a

supreme
youth

political happiness

these are

may win attained when
and

we

find our

in the highest condition alike for peace

war, intent

upon
oil,

all
;

that

is

noblest.

An.
selves

I see,

Solon

when an enemy

invades,

you anoint your- 31

with
;

dust yourselves over, and go forth sparring at

them

then they of course cower before you and run away,

afraid of getting a handful of your sand in their

open mouths,

or of your dancing round to get behind them, twining your
legs tight

round

their bellies,

and throttling them with your
It
is

elbows

rammed

well in under their chin-pieces.

true they

will try the effect of arrows

and

javelins

;

but you are so sun-

burnt and full-blooded, the
if

missiles will

hurt you no more than
;

you were

statues

;

you are not chaff and husks
;

you

will

not

be readily disposed of by the blows you get
attention will be required before you at
last,

much time and

cut to pieces with

deep wounds, have a few drops of blood extracted from you.

Have
from

I
it

misunderstood your figure, or
?

is

this a fair

deduction

But perhaps you

will take the

equipment of your tragedians 32
their

and comedians, and when you get your marching orders put on
those wide-mouthed headpieces, to scare the foe with
appalling terrors
;

of course,

and you can put the

stilted things

on your

feet

;

they will be light for running away
or, if

(if

that should

be advisable),

you are in pursuit, the

strides they lend

themselves to will make your enemy's escape impossible. Seriously

now, are not these refinements of yours
thing for your
to be free
idle, slack

all
?

child's play
If

—somewant
;

youngsters to do

you

really

and happy, you must have other
a

exercises than these
;

your training must be

genuine martial one

no toy contests

of Physical Training
with friends, but
real

207

ones with enemies

;

danger must be an

element in your character-development.
oil
;

Never mind dust and
and none of your
light

teach

them

to use

bow and
to

javelin
;

;

darts diverted

by

a puif of
;

wind

let it

be a ponderous spear

that whistles

as it flies

which add

stones, a handful each, the

axe, the shield, the breastplate,

and the helmet.
for not

33

On

your present system,

I

cannot help thinking you should
having allowed you to

be very grateful to some

God

perish under the attack of any half-armed band.
I

Why,

if

were to draw

this little
I

dagger at

my

girdle

and run amuck

at

your collective youth,
;

could take the gymnasium without

more ado
steel
;

they would

all

run away and not dare face the cold
pillars,

they would skip round the statues, hide behind
till I

and whimper and quake
another colour then,

laughed again.
;

We should
is

have

no more of the ruddy frames they now display
all

they would be
the temper

white with terror.
;

That
crest.

that deep peace has infused into you

you could not endure

the sight of

a single

plume on an enemy's
so did

34

So.

Ah, Anacharsis, the Thracians who invaded us with
told another tale
; ;

Eumolpus
the
field.

your

Athens with Hippolyta

so

every one

women who assailed who has met us in

My

dear

sir, it

does not follow from our exercising

our youths without arms that we expose them in the same condition to the real thing
;

the independent bodily development
;

once complete, training in arms follows

and to

this

they

come

much
all

the fitter for their previous work.
is

An. Where

your military gymnasium, then
it.

?

I

have been

over Athens, and seen no sign of
So.

But

if

you

stay longer
at

you

will find that every
;

man

has

arms enough, for use

the proper time

you

will see
;

our

plumes and horse-trappings, our horses and horsemen

these last

amounting to

a quarter of

our

citizens.

But to carry arms and
in

be girded with scimetars we consider unnecessary

peace

;

2o8
time
;

j^nacharsis^
indeed there
is

a Discussion
armed
in

a fine for going

due cause, or producing weapons in public.

town without You of course
of walls gives
;

may be pardoned
conspiracy
its

for living in arms.
;

The want

chance

you have many enemies and dispatch you.

you never

know when somebody may come upon you
you out of your
mutual
nizes
cart,

in your sleep, pull

And

then, in the

distrust inseparable

from an independence that recogsword must be always
at

no law or

constitution, the

hand

to repel violence.

unnecessary
tear for

An. Oho, you think the wearing of arms, except on occasion, 5^ you are careful of your weapons, avoid wear and ;
them, and put them away
for use

when

the time comes

but the bodies of your youth you keep at work even when no
danger presses
;

you knock them about and
on
clay

dissolve

them

in

sweat ; instead of husbanding their strength for the day of need,

you expend
So.
I

it

idly

and dust.

How

is

that

?

fancy you conceive of force as something similar to
sort.

wine or water or liquid of some
dribbling
jar,

You

are afraid of

its

away
its

in exercise as those

might from an earthenware
is

and by

disappearance leaving the body, which

supposed
not the

to have no internal reserves,
case
;

empty and
upon
it

dry.

That

is

the greater the drain
;

in the course of exercise,

the greater the supply

did you ever hear a story about the
heads, and

Hydra
up

?

cut off one of

its

two immediately sprang

in its place.

No,

it is

the unexercised and fibreless, in

whom

no adequate store of material has ever been
peak and pine under
a fire
toil.

laid up, that will

There

is

a similar difference

between

and

a

lamp
it

;

the same breath that kindles the former

and soon
is

excites

to greater heat will put out the latter, which
resist

but

ill

provided to

the blast

;

it

has a precarious tenure,

you

see.
I

An. Ah,
for

cannot get hold of

all

that, Solon

;

it is

too subtle 36

me — wants

exact thought and keen intelligence.

But

I

of Phyncal Training
wish you would
tell

209

me — at

the Olympic, Isthmian, Pythian,
tell

and other Games, attended, you

me, by crowds to see your
?

youth contend, why do you have no martial events

Instead,

you put them and
or wild olive.
hearing.
So.

in a conspicuous place

and exhibit them kicking

cuffing one another,

and when they win give them apples

Now
think

your reason for that would be worth

Well,

we

it

will increase their keenness for exercise
it

to see the champions at

honoured and proclaimed by name
It
is

among

the assembled Greeks.

the thought of having to
their

strip before such a

crowd that makes them take pains with

condition

;

they do not want to be a shameful spectacle, so

each does his best to deserve success.
before, are not small things
to be the

And

the prizes,

as I said

—to be applauded by the spectators,
and
fingers as the best of one's con-

mark

of

all

eyes

temporaries.

Accordingly, numbers of spectators, not too old

for training, depart

with

a passion thus
if

engendered for toilsome
fair

excellence.

Ah, Anacharsis,
of our lives,

the love of

fame were to be
?

wiped out

what good would remain
?

who would

care to do a glorious deed

But

as things are

you may form

your conclusions from what you
for victory olive or

see. These who are so keen when they have no weapons and only a sprig of wild an apple to contend for, how would they behave in

martial array, with country and wives and children and altars
at stake
?

37

I

wonder what your
fights,

feelings

would be

if

you saw our quail
raise.

and cock

and the excitement they

You would

laugh, no doubt, especially

when you were
all

told that they are

enjoined by law, and that

of military age

must attend and

watch how the birds spar
yet
for
it is

till

they are utterly exhausted.
;

And

not a thing to laugh at either
is

a spirit of
;

contempt
they yield

danger

thus instilled into men's souls

shall
let

to cocks in nobility
LUCtAN
III

and courage

?

shall

they

wounds or

21 o

Anacharsis^ a Discussion
them before there
is

weariness or discomfort incapacitate

need

?

But

as for testing

our

men

in arms
!

and looking on while they

gash one another, no, thank you

that would be brutality and

savagery, besides the bad policy of butchering our bravest,

who

would serve

us best against our enemies.
tJie rest

You
if

say you are going to visit

of Greece also.
at

Well, 38

you go to Sparta, remember not to laugh
is all

them

either, nor
strike

think their labour

in vain,

when they charge and
;

one

another over a ball in the theatre
a place enclosed

or perhaps they will go into

by water, divide into two troops, and handle
enemies (except that they too have

one another

as severely as

no arms), until the Lycurgites drive the Heraclids, or vice
versa,

out of the enclosure and into the water
not another blow breaks the peace.

;

it is

all

over

then

;

Still

worse, you

may

see

them being scourged
sight, actually

at the altar,

streaming with blood,

while their parents look on
tressed

— the

mothers, far from being disthreats,

by the

making them hold out with
last

imploring them to endure pain to the

extremity and not be
instances of their

unmanned by
eyes

suffering.
trial;

There

are

many
life

dying under the

while they had

and their people's

were on them, they would not give up, nor concede
bodily
pain;

anything to
there,
set

and you by the
for

will find their

statues

up

honoris

causa

Spartan

state.

Seeing

these things, never take
it is

them

madmen, nor

say that, since

neither a tyrant's bidding nor a conqueror's ordinance, they

victimize themselves for no good reason.
giver

Lycurgus their lawto

would have many reasonable remarks

make

to

you on

the subject, and give you his grounds for thus afflicting

them

;

he w^s not moved by enmity or hatred
state's

;

he was not wasting the
it

young blood

for nothing

;

he only thought

proper that

defenders of their country should have endurance in the highest

degree and be entirely superior to

fear.

However, you need no
it

Lycurgus to

tell

you

;

you can

surely see for yourself that,

of Physical Tratmng^
one of these
wring
with
a

21

I

men were

captured in war, no tortures would
;

Spartan secret out of him

he would take

his scourging

a smile,

and try whether the scourger would not be

tired

sooner than the scourged.

39

An. Solon, did Lycurgus take
age, or did

his

whippings at the fighting
safe basis

he make these spirited regulations on the
?

of superannuation
5o.

It

was in

his old age, after

returning from Crete, that he

legislated.

He had

been attracted to Crete by hearing that
possible, devised

their laws

were the best

by Minos, son

of

Zeus.

An. Well, and why did you not copy Lycurgus and whip
your young
yourselves.
So.

men

?

It

is

a

fine

institution quite

worthy

of

Oh, we were content with our native
given to imitating other nations.
;

exercises

;

we

are

not

much

An. No, no

you

realize

what

a

thing

it

is

to be stripped

and scourged with one's hands up, without benefit to oneself
or one's country.
If I

do happen to be
expect
I

at Sparta

when

this

performance

is

on,
it

I shall
all,

a

public stoning at their hands

for laughing at

when

see

them being whipped
Really,
I

like

robbers or thieves or such malefactors.

think a state

that submits to such ridiculous treatment at

its

own hands

wants

a dose of hellebore.

40

5o.

Friend, do not

plume
it all

yourself

on winning an undefended

case

where you have

your own way in the absence of your
have described ours to you,
I

opponents.

In Sparta you will find some one to plead properly

for their customs.

But now,

as I

not apparently to your satisfaction,

may
in

fairly ask

you to take
in Scythia
;

your turn and

tell

me how you
?

train

your youth
?

what

exercises
of

do you bring them up

how do you make
you the Scythian

good men

them
a fair

An. Quite

demand, Solon
p 2

;

I

will give

212
customs
like
;

An ach arsis
there
;

is

no grandeur about them
but such
talk
till

;

they are not

much
ears,

yours

for

we would never
;

take a single

box on the
shall

we

are such cowards

as

they

are,

you

have them.

We

must put
;

off

our

to-morrow, though,

mind

I

want

to think quietly over

if you do not what you have said, and

collect materials for

what
;

I

am

to say myself.
is

On

that under-

standing let us go

home

for it

getting late.

H.

OF MOURNING
The
his

behaviour of the average

man

in a time of bereavement,

own. language and the remarks offered him by way
reward the attention of
it

of con-

solation, are things that will

a curious

observer.

The mourner
fallen
:

takes

for granted that a terrible
his

blow has

both upon himself and upon the object of
all

lamentations
I

yet for

he knows to the contrary (and here

appeal to Pluto and Persephone) the departed one, so far
to commiseration,

from being entitled
are in fact guided

may

find

himself in

improved circumstances.
solely

The

feelings of the bereaved party

by custom and convention.
:

The

procedure in such cases
beliefs

—but no

let
;

me
we

first

state the popular

on the subject

of death itself

shall

then understand
it
is

the motives for the elaborate ceremonial with which
attended.

The

vulgar

(as

philosophers call the generality of mankind), 2

implicitly taking as their text-book the fictions of

Homer and
sunless,

Hesiod and other poets, assume the existence of a deep subterranean hole called Hades
;

spacious,

murky, and

but
its

by some mysterious means
details visible.
Its king
is

sufficiently lighted to render all
a

brother of Zeus, one Pluto

;

whose

name
his

—so

an able philologer assures

me — contains
his subjects,

a

compli-

mentary

allusion to his ghostly wealth.

As to the nature of
the authority

government, and the condition of

of Mourfling
allotted to

213
moment

him extends over

all

the dead, who, from the

that they
fetters
;

come under

his

control,

are kept in unbreakable
;

Shades are on no account permitted to return to Earth

to this rule there have been only

two or three exceptions

since

the beginning of the world, and these were
3

made

for very

urgent reasons.

His realm
:

is

encompassed by vast

rivers,

whose
like.

very names inspire awe

Cocytus, Pyriphlegethon, and the

Most formidable
new-comer,
is

of

all,

and

first

to arrest the progress of the

Acheron, that lake which none
;

may

pass save

by

the ferryman's boat

it is

too deep to be waded, too broad for

4 the swimmer, and even

defies the flight of birds deceased.
is

At
here
is

the very beginning of the descent

a gate of

adamant

:

Aeacus, a nephew of the king, stands on guard.
a
is

By

his side

three-headed dog,

a

grim brute

;

to

new

arrivals,

however, he
of

friendly enough, reserving his bark,

and the yawning horror

5 his jaws, for the

would-be runaway.

On

the inner shore of
;

the lake

is

a

meadow, wherein grows asphodel

here, too,

is

the fountain that makes war on memory, and

is

hence called

Lethe. All these particulars the ancients would doubtless obtain

from the Thessalian queen
Protesilaus,

Alcestis

and her fellow-countryman

from Theseus the son of Aegeus, and from the

hero of the Odyssey.
titled to

These witnesses (whose evidence

is

en-

our most respectful acceptance) did not,
;

as I gather,

drink of the waters of Lethe

because then they would not
is

6 have remembered.

According to them, the supreme power

entirely in the hands of Pluto

and Persephone, who, however,
a host of
;

are assisted in the labours of
lings
:

government by

underis

such are the Furies, the Pains, the Fears
is

such too

7 Hermes, though he
are vested in

not always in attendance.

Judicial powers

two

satraps or viceroys,

Minos and Rhadamanthus,

both Cretans, and both sons of Zeus.
just

By them
as it

all

good and

men who have

followed the precepts of virtue are sent off

in large

detachments to form colonies,

were, in the Elysian

;

1

214
Plain,

of

^^ourning
life.

and there to lead the perfect

Evil-doers,

on the 8
to

contrary, are

handed over to the

Furies,

who conduct them
torments
;

the place of the wicked, where they are punished in due proportion to their iniquities.

What
fire,

a variety of

is

there

presented
spins

!

The rack,
;

the

the gnawing vulture
rolls his stone.

here Ixion
I

upon

his wheel, there

Sisyphus

have not

forgotten Tantalus

but he stands elsewhere, stands parched
brink, like to die of thirst, poor
class of

on the Lake's very

wretch
;

!

Then
touch

there

is

the numerous
;

neutral characters

these 9

wander about the meadow
like

formless phantoms, that evade the

smoke.

It

seems that they depend for their nourish-

ment upon the
tombs
;

libations

and victims

oflFered

by us upon

their

accordingly, a Shade

who
it

has no surviving friends or
in the

relations passes a

hungry time of

lower world.
lo

common people been impressed with these doctrines that, when a man dies, the first act of his relations is to put a penny into his mouth, that he may have whereSo profoundly have the
withal to pay the ferryman
is
:

they do not stop to inquire what

the local currency, whether Attic or Macedonian or Aeginetan;
it

nor does

occur to them
if

how much

better

it

would be

for the

departed one

the fare were not forthcoming,

—because then
1

the ferryman would decline to take him, and he would be sent

back into the living world.

Lest the Stygian Lake should prove
toilets,

inadequate to the requirements of ghostly

the corpse

is

next washed, anointed with the choicest unguents to arrest the
progress of decay, crowned with fresh flowers, and laid out in

sumptuous raiment

;

an obvious precaution,
chill

this last

;

it

would

not do for the deceased to take a

on the journey, nor to
Lamentation
alike

exhibit himself to Cerberus with nothing on.
follows.

The women

wail

;

men and women

weep and 12

beat their breasts and rend their hair and lacerate their cheeks
clothes are also torn

on the

occasion,

and dust sprinkled on the

head.

The

survivors are thus reduced to a

more

pitiable con-

of
dition than the deceased
rolling
:

Is^iourmn?
while they in
all

21 f
probability are

about and
attired

dashing their heads on the ground, he,

bravely
13

and gloriously garlanded, reposes gracefully
adorned
as it

upon

his lofty bier,

were for some pageant.

mother

nay,

it

is

the father, as likely as not,

—now advances
;

The

from among the
dramatic
effect,

relatives, falls

upon the
its

bier (to heighten the

we

will

suppose

occupant to be young and
the

handsome), and utters wild and meaningless ejaculations
corpse cannot speak, otherwise
in reply.
it

might have something to say
with a mournful em-

His son

phasis

on every word,

— the father exclaims, — beloved son
his

is

no more

;

he

is

gone

;

torn away before his hour was come, leaving

him

alone to

mourn

;

he has never married, never begotten children, never been on
the
field of battle,
;

never laid hand to the plough, never reached

old age

never again will he make merry, never again
!

joys of love, never, alas

tipple at the convivial board

know the among
But

14 his comrades.

And
:

so on,

and

so on.

He

imagines his son to

be

still
is

coveting these things, and coveting

them

in vain.

this

nothing

time after time

men have been known
it,

to slaugh;

ter horses

upon the tomb, and concubines and pages
finery, or

to burn

clothes

and other

bury

in the idea that the deceased

will find a profitable use for

such things in the lower world.

15

Now
I I

the afflicted senior, in delivering the tragic utterances
is

have suggested above, and others of the same kind,
understand
it,

not, as

consulting the interests of his son (who he knows

will

not hear him, though he shout louder than Stentor), nor

yet his

own
is,

;

he

is

perfectly aware of his sentiments, and has
his
is

no occasion to bellow them into
clusion
tators
;

own

ear.

The

natural con-

that this tomfoolery
all

for the benefit of the specis,

and

the time he has not an idea where his son
his

or

what may be

condition

;

he cannot even have reflected

upon human
16
it
is

life

generally, or he

would know that the

loss of

no such great matter.

Let us imagine that the son has

2i6
daylight,

of AlGurm?7£
a

obtained leave from Aeacus and Pluto to take

peep into the
'

and put
sir,'

a stop to these parental
'

maunderings.
is

Con?

found

it,

he might exclaim,

what

the noise about

You

bore me.
call

Enough

of hair-plucking

and face-scratching.
a

When you me
?

me

an
a

ill-fated

wretch, you abuse

better

man

than yourself, and
Is it

more
I

fortunate.

Why

are

you

so sorry for

because
?

am

not

a bald,
I

bent, wrinkled old cripple
a

like yourself

Is it a

because

have not lived to be

battered

wreck, nor seen

thousand moons wax and wane, only to make

a fool of myself at the last before a

crowd
of

?

Can your
say

sapience

point to any single convenience of
in the lower world
?

life,

which we are deprived
:

I

know what you wiU

clothes

and

good dinners, wine and women, without which you think
be inconsolable.

I shall

Are you now to learn that freedom from
is

hunger and

thirst

better than meat and drink, and insensi-

bility to cold better

than plenty of clothes
;

need enlightenment
to be done.

I will

Come, I see you 17 ? show you how lamentation ought
thus
!

Make

a fresh start,

:

Alas,

my son

!

Hunger

and
nor

thirst

and cold are
;

his

no longer

He

is

gone, gone beyond

the reach of sickness
tj'rants.

he

fears not fever

any more, nor enemies
love disturb your
;

Never

again,

my

son,

shall

peace, impair your health,
oh, hea-\-y change
!

make hourly inroads on your purse

Never can you reach contemptible old
!

age,

never be an eyesore to your juniors

—Confess,

now, that
as

my
in

18

lamentation has the advantage of yours, in veracity,
absurdity.
'

Perhaps
in

it is

the pitchy darkness of the infernal regions that
?

runs
I

your head

is

that the trouble

?

Are you
?

afraid

shall

be suffocated in the confinement of the tomb

You
is

should reflect that

my

eyes will presently decay, or
fire
;

(if

such

your good pleasure) be consumed with
shall

after

which

I

have no occasion to notice either light or darkness.

How-

ever, let that pass.

But

all this

lamentation,

now

;

this fluting jq


of Mourning
and beating of breasts
;

21 7
:

these wholly disproportionate wailings
it all ?

how am

I

the better for

garlanded column over

And what do I want with a And what good do you my grave
?

suppose you are going to do by pouring wine on
expect
it

it ?

do you

to filter through

all

the

way

to

Hades

?

As to the

victims,

you must surely
is

see for yourselves that all the solid

nutriment

whisked away heavenwards in the form of smoke,

leaving us Shades precisely as
is

we were

;

the residue, being dust,
?

useless

;

or

is is

it

your theory that Shades batten on ashes

Pluto's realm

not so barren, nor asphodel so scarce with
to

us,

that

we must apply

you

for provisions.

—What

with

this

winding-sheet and these woollen bandages,
effectually sealed up, or,

my

jaws have been

by Tisiphone,

I

should have burst

out laughing long before this at the stuff you talk and the things

you
20

do.'

And
Thus
elbow.
far

at the

word Death

sealed his lips for ever.
side,

our corpse, leaning on one
that he
is

supported on an
?

Can we doubt

in the right of it

And

yet

these simpletons, not content with their
professional assistance
:

own

noise,

must

call in

an

artist in grief,

with

a fine

repertoire

of cut-and-dried sorrows at his
of this inane choir,

command, assumes the direction and supplies a theme for their woful accla-

21 mations.

So

far,

all

men
make

are fools alike

:

but at

this

point

national peculiarities

their appearance.
;

The Greeks burn
it.

their dead, the Persians

bury them

the Indian glazes the body,

the Scythian eats

it,

the Egyptian embalms
is

In Egypt,

indeed, the corpse, duly dried,
I

actually placed at table,

have seen

it

done

;

and

it

is

quite a

common
his

thing for an

Egyptian to relieve himself from pecuniary embarrassment by
a timely visit to the

pawnbroker, with

brother or father

22 deceased.

The

childish futility of pyramids

and mounds and
is

23 columns, with their short-lived inscriptions,

obvious.

But

8

21
some people go

Of Mourtiwg
further,

and attempt to plead the cause of the
by-

deceased with his infernal judges, or testify to his merits,

means of funeral games and laudatory epitaphs.
absurdity
is

The

final

24

the funeral feast, at which the assembled relatives

strive to console the parents,

and to prevail upon them to take
are veiling

food

;

and,

Heaven knows, they
go on
?

enough

to be per'

suaded, being almost prostrated by a three days'

fast.

How
will,

long
of

is

this to

'

some one

expostulates.

'

Suffer the spirit

your departed saint to

rest in peace.

Or
eat,

if

mourn you

then for that very reason you must

that your strength
point, a couple of
:

lines of

may be proportioned to your grief.' At this Homer go the round of the company
and

Ev'n fair-haired Niobe forgat not food,

Not

fasting

mourn

th'

Achaeans

for their dead.
first

The
in a

parents are persuaded, though they go to work at
;

somewhat shamefaced manner
flesh.

they do not want
still

it

to be

thought that after their bereavement they are
the infirmities of the

subject to

Such
springs

are
;

some
for
I

of the absurdities that

may be

observed in

mourners

have by no means exhausted the
error, that

list.

And
F.

all

from the vulgar

Death

is

the worst thing that

can befall a man.

THE RHETORICIAN'S VADE MECUM
See note at end of piece.

You
tell

ask,

young man, how you may become
you not worth
of the
living, if

a rhetorician,

and

win yourself the imposing and reverend

style of Professor.

You
in-

me

life is for

you cannot clothe
shall

yourself in that
vincible

power

word which
all

make you

and

irresistible,

the cynosure of

men's admiration,

The
the desired of the

T\hetorician's
all

Fade Mecum
is

219
shown

Grecian
goal.

ears.

Your one wish

to be

way

to that

And
youth

small blame, youngster, to one
sets his

who

in the days of his

gaze upon the things that
shall attain,

are highest,

and knowing not how he

comes

as

you now come to

me
be

with the privileged demand for counsel.
it

Take then the
you
to give

best of

that

I

can give, doubting nothing but

shall speedily
it

a
if

man
you

accomplished to see the right and
will

expression,

henceforth abide by what you
assiduity,

now

hear from me, practise
till it

it

with

and go confidently

on your way

brings you to the desired end.
is

The
toil

object of your pursuit
;

no poor one, worth but

a

moderate endeavour

to grasp

it

you might be content to
;

and watch and endure to the utmost

mark how many
words have
lineage.

they are
raised to

who once were but
fame and opulence,

cyphers, but

whom

ay,

and to noble

Yet

fear not, nor

be appalled, when you contemplate the
first

greatness of your aim, by thought of the thousand toils
to be accomplished.
It
is

by no rough mountainous
;

perspir-

ing track that

I

shall lead

you

else

were

I

no better than those

other guides

who

point you to the

toilsome, nay, for the most part

common way, long, steep, desperate. What should comthis
:

mend my
most

counsel to you

is

even

a road

most pleasant and you
will,

brief, a carriage

road of

downward

slope, shall bring

in all delight

and

ease, at

what

leisurely efTortless pace

you

through flowery meadows and plenteous shade, to that summit

which you

shall

mount and hold untired and
they are yet in the

there

lie feasting,

the while you survey from your height those panting ones
took the other track
;

who

first

stage of their

climb, forcing their slow

many
have

a

headlong

fall

and many

way amid rough or slippery crags, with a wound from those sharp rocks.
;

But you
you

will long

slept,
all

have been up, and garlanded and blest you and waked to find that Rlietoric has lavished upon

her gifts at once.

2

20

The

T^hetoriciaji^s

Fade Mecum
?

Fine promises, these, are they not

But pray
easy that

let it

not
is

stir

4

your doubts, that
sweet.
It

I offer to

make most
a

which

most

was but plucking

few leaves from Helicon, and the

shepherd Hesiod was
the birth of

a poet, possessed of the
;

Muses and singing
a rhetorician ('tis
if

Gods and Heroes
title as

and may not

no such proud

that of poet) be quickly made,
?

one but

knows the speediest way

Let

me

tell

you

of an idea that

came

to nothing for
it

want
to.

5

of faith,

and brought no

profit to the

man

was offered

Alexander had fought Arbela, deposed Darius, and was lord of
Persia
;

his orders

had to be conveyed to every part of

his

empire by dispatch-runners.
a

Now

from Persia to Egypt was
circuit

long journey

;

to

make the necessary

round the moun-

tains, cross

Babylonia into Arabia, traverse a great desert, and

so finally reach
as

Egypt, took at the best

full

twenty days.
it

And
was

Alexander had intelligence of disturbances in Egypt,
to

an inconvenience not

be able to send instructions rapidly

to his lieutenants there.

A

Sidonian trader came to him and
:

offered to shorten the distance

if

a

man

cut straight across

the mountains, which could be done in three days, he would

be in Egypt without more ado.
took the
to him.

This was

a fact

;

but Alexander

man

for
is

an impostor, and would have nothing to say
the reception

That
like

any surprisingly good offer

may
fly

expect from most men.

Be not

them,

A

trial will

soon show you that you

may 6

over the mountains from Persia to Egypt, and in a day, in

part of a day, take rank as rhetorician.

But

first I will

be your

Cebes and give you word-pictures of the two different ways
leading to that Rhetoric, with which
I

see

you
;

so in love.

Imagine her seated on

a height, fair

and comely

her right hand

holds an Amalthea's horn heaped high with

all fruits,

and

at her

other side you are to see Wealth standing in

all his
;

golden glamour.
all

In attendance too are Repute and Might

and

about your

The

T\het orI claries

Vade Mecum
he

22

I

lady's person flutter

and cling embodied

Praises like tiny Loves.
;

Or you may have
upon
Egypt
a

seen a painted Nilus

reclines himself
his

crocodile or hippopotamus,

with which

stream
call

abounds, and round him play the tiny children they
his

in

Cubits

;

so play the Praises

about Rhetoric.

Add
that

yourself, the lover,

who
and

long to be straightway at the top, that
all

you may wed

her,

that

is

hers be yours

;

for

him

weds her she must endow with her worldly goods.
7

When you
of scaling
it
;

have reached the mountain, you

at first despair

you seem to have

set yourself the task that
;

Aornus

'

presented to the Macedonians
side
!

how

sheer
a bird

it

was on every

it

was true, they thought, even
;

could hardly soar

that height

to take

it

would be work

for a

Dionysus or Heracles.
is

Then in
than

a little

while you discern two roads; or no, one

no more

a track,

narrow, thorny, rough, promising thirst and sweat.
it
;

But

I

need say no more of

Hesiod has described

it

long ago

The other is

broad, and fringed with flowers and well watered and

— not to keep you back with vain repetitions from the prize even now within your grasp — such road told you of but now.
a
as I
:

8

This much, however,
shows not many steps of
ancient date.
ing needless
It
toil
;

I

must add
travellers
;

that rough steep

way

a

few there

are,
it,

but of
expend-

was

my own ill
I

fortune to go up by
off
it
;

but

could see from far
I

how
in

level

and

direct was that other,

though

did not use

days

I

was perverse, and put trust in the poet
is

my young who told me that
;

the

Good many who
know

won by

toil.

He was

in error

I

see that the

toil

not are more richly rewarded for their fortunate

choice of route and method.
1

But the question

is

now

of

you

;

that

doubt

when you come to the parting you doubt even now which turn

of the

ways you

will

to take.

What you
that

must do, then,

to find the easiest ascent,
I

and blessedness, and

your bride, and universal fame,
^
i.

will tell you.

Enough

c,

birdless.

;

222

Ihe

'BJietoricians
toil
;

Fade Mecum
you
let all

I have been cheated into

for

grow unsown and

unploughed

as in

the age of gold.

A

strong severe-looking
a

man

will at

once come up to you

;

g

he has

firm step, a deeply sunburnt body, a decided eye and
air
;

wide-awake

it is

the guide of the rough track.

This absurd

person makes foolish suggestions that you should employ him,

and points you out the footmarks of Demosthenes,
others
;

Plato,

and
half

they are larger than what
;

we make, but mostly
will attain bliss

obliterated by time

he

tells

you you
if

and have

Rhetoric to your lawful wife,
a rope-walker to his rope a false step, or incline
;

you

stick as closely to these as

but diverge for

a

moment, make
either way,

your weight too

much

and

farewell to your path

and your bride.

He

will exhort

you to

imitate these ancients, and offer you antiquated models that

lend themselves

as little to

imitation as old sculpture, say the

clean-cut, sinewy, hard, firmly outlined productions of Hegesias,

or the school of Critius and Nesiotes
toil
if

;

and he

will tell

you that

and vigilance, abstinence and perseverance, are indispensable,

you would accomplish your journey.
the time he will stipulate for
so
is

Most mortifying

of

all,

immense, years upon years
;

he does not

much
;

as

mention days or months
feel tired at

whole Olymyour heart

piads are his units

you

the mere sound of them,
set

and ready to relinquish the happiness you had
upon.

And

as

if

this

was not enough, he wishes to be paid

handsomely
So he

for

your trouble, and must have a good sum down

before he will even put you in the way.
will talk

a

conceited primitive old-world personage

;

lo

for models he

offers

you old masters long dead and done with,
as if

and expects you to exhume rusty speeches
treasures
;

they were buried

you are to copy

a certain cutler's
;

son \ or one

who

called the clerk

Atrometus father

he forgets that we are at

peace now, with no invading Philip or hectoring Alexander to
'

Demosthenes

'

Aeschines.

The

l{hetoriciafPs

Fade Mecum
;

223

give a temporary value to that sort of eloquence

and he has

never heard of our

new road
first

to Rhetoric, short, easy,

and
all
;

direct.

Let him not
charge,
self
if

prevail with

you

;

heed not him at

in his

you do not

break your neck, you will wear yourIf

into a premature old age.

you are
is

really in love,

and

would enjoy Rhetoric before your prime

past,

and be made
ultra-virility,

much

of

by

her, dismiss this hairy

specimen of

and leave him to climb by himself or with what dupes he can
make, panting and perspiring to
11
his heart's content.

Go
ing
?

you to the other road, where you
in especial

will find
?

much good
is

company, but

one man.

Is

he clever

he engag-

Mark
his

the negligent ease of his gait, his neck's willowy
;

curve,

languishing glance
;

these words

are honey,

that

breath perfume
a forefinger
left
?

was ever head scratched with so graceful
locks

and those

—were

there but
!

more
is

of

them

—how

hyacinthine

their
;

wavy order
Agathon's
self,

he

tender as

Sardanapalus or Cinyras
makers.
I

'tis

loveliest of tragedy-

Take

these traits, that seeing you

may know him

;

would not have you miss
eyes

so divine an apparition, the darling

of Aphrodite and the Graces.

Yet how needless
closed,

!

were he to

come near while your

were

and unbar those Hymet-

tian lips to the voice that dwells within,

you could not want
the fruits of
fed,

the thought that this was none of us
earth,

who munch
seek
;

but some

spirit

from

afar that

on honeydew hath

and drunk the milk
him, and you
shall

of Paradise.

Him
of

trust yourself to

be in a trice rhetorician and

man

of note,

and
an
is

in his

own

great phrase,

King

Words, mounted without
For here

effort of

your own upon the chariot of discourse.

the lore he shall impart to his disciple.

12

But

let

him
I

describe

it
;

himself.

For one

so eloquent it
is

is

absurd that
so

should speak
;

my
trip,

histrionic talent

not equal to
in

mighty
fall.

a task

I

might

and break the heroic mask

my

He

thus addresses you, then, with a touch of the hand

2 24

T^he l{he tortetanus

Fade Mecum
;

to those scanty curls,

and the usual charming delicate smile
is

you might take him
a

—so engaging

his

utterance

for a Glycera,

Malthace, or her comic and meretricious majesty, Thais her-

self.

What

has a refined bewitching orator to do with the
?

vulgar masculine Listen
sent

now

to his

modest remarks.
call

Dear
of

sir,

was

it

Apollo 13

you

here ?

did he

me

best

rhetoricians,

as

when

Chaerephon asked and was
If
it

told

who was

wisest of his generation ?

has not been

so, if

you have come directed only by the amazethe

ment and

applause,

wonder and despair, that attend
is

my

achievements, then shall you soon learn whether there
or no in

divinity

him whom you have
find its parallel in

sought.
this

Look not
or that ;
;

for a greatness

that

may

man
been

a

Tityus, an
is

Otus, an Ephialtes there

may have
thari they.

but here
to

a portent

and a marvel greater far
puts
to

Tou

are

hear a voice that

silence all others, as the trumpet the flute, as the cicala the

bee, as the choir the tuning-fork.

But you wish

to

be a rhetorician yourself
;

;

well,

you could have 14

applied in no better quarter
to

my

dear young friend, you have only
carefully in

follow

my

instructions

and example, and keep

mind
this

the rules

1 lay down

for your guidance.
;

Indeed you may start

moment without a tremor
system besets the path
not
to

never

let it disturb

you that you have

not been through the laborious preliminaries with which the ordinary
of fools ;

they are quite unnecessary.
it ;

Stay

find your slippers, as the song has
;

your naked feet will

do as well

writing
it ;

is

a not uncommon accomplishment, but I do
one thing, and rhetoric
list of is

not insist upon

it is

another.
supplies for your
to
i

I

will first give you a

the equipment

and

r

journey that you must bring with you from home, with a view

making your way rapidly.
and

After that, I will show you as we

go along some practical illustrations, add a few verbal precepts,
before set of sun you shall be as superior a rhetorician as

myself, the absolute

microcosm

of

your profession.

Bring

then

The
above

Rhetorician^ s

Vade Meciim

225e'ffron-

all ignorance, to

which add confidence, audacity, and

tery ; as for diffidence, equity, moderation,

and shame, you

will

please leave them at

home

;

they are not merely needless, they are

encumbrances.
falsetto,

The

loudest voice you can come by, please, a ready

and a gait modelled on my own.
;

That exhausts

the real

necessaries
further.
clothes ;

very often there would be no occasion for anything
bright
colours
or

But I recommend
the Tarentine
stuff

white

for

your
is

that lets the body

show through

best ; for shoes,

wear

either the Attic

woman^s shape with

the open

network, or else the Sicyonians that show white lining.

Always

have a train
16

of attendants,

and a book

in your hand.
go.

The
I will

rest
tell

you will take in with your eyes and ears as we
if

you the rules you must observe,

Rhetoric

is to

recognize

and admit you; otherwise she
as

will turn from you

and drive you away

an uninitiated intruder upon her mysteries.
;

Tou must

first

be

exceedingly careful about your appearance
quite the thing.

your clothes must be
fifteen old Attic

words

—say
;

Next, you must scrape up some
;

twenty for an outside estimate
till

and

these

you must
;

rehearse diligently
let

you have them at the
so,

tip of

your tongue
wise,

us say sundry,

whereupon, say you
;

in

some

my
little

masters

that

is ;

the sort of thing

these are for general garnish,

you understand

and you need

not concern yourself about

any

dissimilarity, repulsion, discord, between

them and the

rest ; so
if

long as your upper garment
is

is

fair

and

bright,

what matter

there

coarse serge beneath

it

?

17

Next,

fill

your quiver with queer mysterious words used once or
to

twice by the ancients, ready
in conversation.

be discharged at a moment's notice
of

This will attract the attention

the

common

herd,

who

will take you for a wonder, so

much

better educated

than themselves.
yourself.

Put on your
sit in

clothes ?

of course

not

;

invest
to

Will you

the porch,
;

when

there

is

a parvys

hand ?

No

earnest-money for us

let it

be an arles-penny.
7'ou

And

no breakfast-time, pray, but undern.
LUCIAN
III

may

also do a little

Q

2 26

The

'Rhetorician* s
of

Fade Mecum
clarifier,

word-formation

your own on occasion, and enact that a person
a sensible one as
// you commit
it

good at exposition shall he known as a

a cogitant, or a 'pantomime

as a

manuactor.
to

a blunder or provincialism, you have only

carry

off

boldly

with an instant reference

to

the authority of some poet or historian,

who need

not exist or ever have existed ; your phrase has his

approval, and he was a wise

man and

a past master in language.

As

for your reading, leave the ancients alone ; never

mind a

foolish

Isocrates,
of the

a

tasteless

Demosthenes, a frigid Plato
;

;

study the works

last

generation

you will find the declamations, as they
to

call them,

a plenteous store on which

draw

at need.

When

the time comes for you to perform,

and

the audience have l8

proposed subjects and invented cases for discussion, you should get
rid of the difficult ones by calling them trivial,
there is nothing in
this

and complain that
test

selection

that

can really

a man's

powers.

When

they have chosen, do not hesitate a moment, but

start ; the tongue is
it ;

an unruly member

;

do not attempt

to

rule

never care whether your

firstly is logic's firstly, or

your secondly
;

and thirdly

in the right order; fust say
legs,

what comes

you

may

greave your head and helmet your
keep going, never pause.

hut whatever you do, move,
is

If your subject

assault or adultery in

Athens, cite the Indians and Medes.

Always have your Marathon
Hardly
less

and your Cynaegirus handy
so are

;

they are indispensable.

a

fleet crossing

Mount

Athos, an

army treading

the Helles-

pont, a sun eclipsed by Persian arrows, a flying Xerxes,

an admired

Leonidas, an inscriptive Othryades.
Plataea, should also be in constant use.

Salamis, Artemisium, and

with our seasoning-garnish aforesaid

— that
till

All this dressed as usual
persuasive flavour of

sundry and methinks

;

do not wait

these

seem

to

be called

for ; they are pretty words, quite apart from their relevancy.

If a fancy for impassioned recitative comes over you, indulge as long as you will,

it

19

and air your
you

falsetto.

If your matter

is

not

of the right poetic sort,

may

consider yourself to have met the

The
requirements
if

J^hetorician'^s

Fade 'Siecum
of the

227

you run over the names
to

jury in a rhythmic

manner.
thigh,

Appeal constantly

the pathetic instinct, smite your

mouth your words

well, punctuate
to

with loud sighs, and

let

your very hack he eloquent as you pace
fails to

and

fro.

If the audience
;
if

applaud, take offence, and give your offence words
to

they
;

get

up and prepare

go out in disgust,

tell

them

to sit

down again

discipline

must he maintained.

20

It will win you credit for copiousness,

Trojan
of

War

—you

if

you start with the
back
to

may

if

you

like go right

the nuptials

Deucalion and Pyrrha
People
of

— and

thence trace your subject

down

to

to-day.

sense,

remember, are rare, and they will proif

bably hold their tongues out of charity; or
will be put

they do comment,

it

down

to

jealousy.

The

rest are

awed by your
;

costume,

your voice, gait, motions,
see

falsetto, shoes,

and sundry

when they

how you perspire and pant, they cannot admit a moment^s

doubt of your being a very fine rhetorical performer.

With them,
your

your mere rapidity
character.

is

a miracle quite sufficient
notes,

to establish

Never prepare
;

then,

nor think out a subject

beforehand
21

that shows one up at once.

Tour
come

friends^ feet will be loud on the floor, in
;
if

payment

for the

dinners you give them
to the rescue,

they observe you in difficulties, they will
in the relief afforded by

and give you a chance,
of

rounds of applause,
of

thinking how
is

to

go on.

A

devoted claque
Its use

your own, by the way,

among your requirements.
;

while you are performing I have given

and as you walk home

afterwards, discussing the points you made, you should be absolutely

surrounded by them as a bodyguard.

If you meet acquaintances

on the way, talk very big about yourself, put a good value on your
merits,
is

and never mind about

their feelings.

Ask

them.

Where
comes

Demosthenes

now?

Or wonder which

of the

ancients

nearest you.

22

But dear me, I had very nearly passed over
and
effectual of all aids to reputation
:

the most important

the pouring of ridicule upon

Q 2

228

T^he J{hetorician?s
If a

Vade Mccum
are borrowed
to
;

your rivals.
if

man
bad

has a fine

style, tts beauties

a sober one,

it is

altogether.

When you

go

a recitation,
all are listen-

arrive late, which makes you conspicuous ;

and when

ing intently, interject some inappropriate commendation that will
distract

and annoy

the audience ; they will be so sickened with
listen.
is

your offensive words that they cannot

wave your hand
to

too

much

—warm approval
it
;

And

then do not
;

rather low

and

as

jumping up, never do
is

more than once or twice.

A

slight

smile

your best expression

make
In

it

clear that
critical,

you do not think

much

of the thing.

Only

let

your ears be

and you are sure
needed are

of finding

plenty to condemn.

easily

come by

—audacity,
to

fact, all the qualities

effrontery, ready lying, indifference to

perjury, impartial jealousy, hatred, abuse,
that
is

and

skilful slander

all

you want

win vou speedy
life.

credit

and renown.

So

much

for

your visible public

And

in private you need

draw

the line at nothing, gambling, 23
of,

drink, fornication, nor adultery ; the last you should boast

whether truly or not

;

make no

secret of

it,

but exhibit your notes

from real or imaginary frail
to

ones.

One

of

your aims should be
the ladies ; the

pass for a pretty fellow, in

much favour with
useful
to

report will he professionally
the

you, your influence with

sex being accounted for by your rhetorical eminence.
these instructions,
to

Master

young man

— they

are surely simple 21

enough not

overtax your powers

,

and I

confidently promise
;

that you shall soon be a first-class rhetorician like myself

after

which I need not

tell

you what great and what rapid advancement

Rhetoric will put in your way.
father

You have

but

to

look at me.
;

My

was an obscure person barely above a slave
;

he had in fact

been one south of Xois and Thniuis
stress.

my

mother a common sempto

I was myself not without pretensions

beauty in

my

youth,

which earned me a bare living from a miserly ill-conditioned
admirer
the top

;

but I discovered this easy short-cut,

made my way

to

for

I had,

if

I may be bold

to

say

it,

all the qualifications

The
/
told

Bjjeforiciaris

Fade
and

Me cum

229
at once

you

of,

confidence, ionorance,
to

effrontery
of

,

and

found myself in a position
levels

change

my name

Pothinusto one that

me with the children of Zeus and Leda. I then established myself
old dame's house,

in

an

where I earned

my

keep by professing a
teeth,
to

passion for her seventy years
dentist^s gold

and her half-dozen remaining

and

all.

However, poverty reconciled me
coffin

my
in-

task

;

even for those cold

kisses,

fames was condimentum
ill

optimum.
poison I

And

it

heriting her wealth

— that

was by

the merest

luck that

I missed

damned

slave

who peached about
I did not

the

had bought!
crop, but even so

25

/ was turned out neck and
I have

starve.

my

professional position

and am well known

in the courts

especially for collusion

and

the corruption-agency

which I keep

for

credulous litigants.

My

cases generally go against

me

palms at

my

door

'

are fresh

and flower-crowned
to

—springes

;

but the
to

catch

woodcocks, you know.

Then,

be the object of universal detesta-

tion, to be distinguished only less for the

badness of one^s character

than for that
the

of one's speeches, to he pointed at of all-round villany

famous champion

by every finger as

this seems to

me
;

no intake
it

considerable attainment.

And now
;

you have

my

advice
It
is

loith the blessing of the great

Goddess Lubricity.

the

same
to

that

I gave myself long ago
it.

and very thankful I have been

myself for

26

Ah
at

!

our admirable friend seems to have done.

If

you decide
you may

to take his advice,

you may regard yourself
his rules,

as practically arrived
is

your

goal.

Keep

and your path
in

clear

;

dominate the courts, triumph by the
*

the lecture-room, be smiled on
like

fair

;

your bride
stretch

shall

be not,

your lawgiver and
now
raise

Now
Stuck

your throat, unh;ippy man
that,

!

Your clamours,
in

when

hoarse, a bunch of bays.

your garret window,

may

declare,

That some

victorious pleader nestles there.
"Ji.veiialy vii.

iiS (Gifford).

230
teacher's,

The
an old

'Rhetorician^ s

Fade Mecum
dame
;

woman

off

the comic stage, but lovely

Rhetoric.

Plato told of Zeus sweeping on in his winged car

you

shall use

the figure as
;

fitly of yourself.

And

I

?

why,

I

lack spirit

and courage
I
;

I will

stand out of your way.

I will

resign

— nay,
Do

have resigned
for I

— my high
my
to

place about our lady's
like

person to you
school.

cannot pay

court to her

the

new

your walk over, then, hear your name announced,
;

take your plaudits

I ask

you only

remember that you owe
H.
is

the victory not to your speed, but to your discovery of the easy

down-hill route.
It is

apparent from the later half of this piece that the satire

aimed

at

an individual.

He

is

generally identified with Julius Pollux.

This Pollux (l)

was contemporary

(floruit a.d.

183) with Lucian.
vocabulary;

(2) Explains by his

name

the reference to Leda's children (Castor and Pollux) in § 34.

(3) Published

an Onomasticon, or

classified

cf.

§§ 16, 17.

(4)

Published a

collection of declamations, or school rhetorical exercises
§

on

set

themes

;

cf.

17.

(5)

Came from Egypt;
Is

cf.

§

24; Xois and Thmuis were
at
cf.

in that

country.

(6)

said to

have been appointed professor of rhetoric
;

Athens

by

Commodus
It
is

purely on account of his mellifluous voice

§ 19.

supposed that Lexiphanes (in the dialogue of that name, which has

much

in

common

with the present satire)

is

also Julius Pollux.

THE LIAR
Tychiades.
Philocles

Tyc. Philocles,
a lie
?

what

is it it ?

that makes most

men

so fond of

Can you
is

explain

Their delight in romancing them-

selves

only equalled by the earnest attention with which they

receive other people's efforts in the

same

direction.
for lying,

Phi.

Why,

in

some
that

cases there

is

no lack of motives

—motives of
speaking of
for that
:

self-interest.
is

Tyc. Ah, but

neither here nor there.

I

am

not

men who
it

lie
is

with an object.

There

is

some excuse

indeed,

sometimes to their credit, when they

;

The Liar
deceive their country's enemies, for instance, or
is

231
when mendacity
home, was
a liar

but the medicine to heal their
life

sickness.

Odysseus, seeking to
safe

preserve his

and bring
I

his

companions

of that kind.

The men
lie
is

mean

are innocent of

any ulterior

motive
they

:

they prefer a
lying, it

to truth, simply

on

its
;

own

merits
is

;

like

their favourite occupation

there

no

necessity in the case.

Now
ever
?

what good can they get out

of

it ?

2

Phi.

Why, have you

known any one with such

a strong

natural turn for lying

Tyc.
Phi.

Any number of them. Then I can only say they must be
is

fools, if

they really

prefer evil to good.

Tyc. Oh, that

not

it.

I

could point you out plenty of

men of first-rate ability, sensible enough in all other respects, who have somehow picked up this vice of romancing. It makes me quite angry what satisfaction can there be to men of their
:

good

qualities in deceiving themselves

and

their neighbours

?

There

are instances

more
are

familiar

among the ancients with which you must be than I. Look at Herodotus, or Ctesias of Cnidus
;

or, to

go further back, take the poets

—Homer

himself

:

here

men

of world-wide celebrity, perpetuating their

mendacity

in black

and white

;

not content with deceiving their hearers,
lies

they must send their
tion of the
for

down

to posterity, under the protec-

most admirable

verse.

Many

a

time

I

have blushed

them,

as I

read of the mutilation of Uranus, the fetters of

Prometheus, the revolt of the Giants, the torments of Hell

enamoured Zeus taking the shape
turning into birds and bears
Cyclopes, and the rest of
it
;

of bull or

swan

;

women
only to

Pegasuses, Chimaeras, Gorgons,

;

monstrous medley

!

fit

charm the imaginations
3

of

children for

whom Mormo
I
lies,

and

Lamia have
be poets.

still

their terrors.
it

However, poets,

suppose, will
finds

But when

comes to national
like

when one
is

whole

cities

bouncing collectively

one man, how

one to

;

232
keep one's countenance
?

The Liar
A
is

Cretan

will look

you

in the face,

and
the

tell

you that yonder

Zeus's tomb.

In Athens, you are

informed that Erichthonius sprang out of the Earth, and that
first

Athenians grew up from the

soil like so

and

this story

assumes quite a sober aspect

many cabbages when compared with
stories, if

that of the Sparti, for
a

whom

the Thebans claim descent from

dragon's teeth.

If

you presume to doubt these

you

choose to exert your

common

sense,

and leave Triptolemus's
exploits,

winged

aerial car,

and Pan's Marathonian

and Orithyia's

mishap, to the stronger digestions of a Coroebus and a Margites,

you are
truths.

a fool

and

a

blasphemer, for questioning such palpable
lies
is
!

Such

is

the power of
I

Phi. I
for

must say

think there

some excuse, Tychiades, both 4

your national

liars

and

for the poets.

The
it

latter are quite

right in throwing in a little
effect,

mythology

:

has a very pleasing

and

is

just the thing to secure the attention of their

hearers.

On

the other hand, the Athenians and the Thebans

and the

rest are only trying to

add to the

lustre of their re-

spective cities.

Take away the legendary

treasures of Greece,
:

and you condemn the whole race of ciceroni to starvation
sightseers
a gift.

do not want the truth
I

;

they would not take

it

at

However,

surrender to your ridicule any one
lies.

who

has

no such motive, and yet rejoices in
Tyc. Very well
crates,
I
:

now

I

have just been with the great Eu- 5
it

who

treated
in the

me

to a whole string of old wives' tales.
;

came away
;

middle of

he was too much for

me

altogether
ally

Furies could not have driven

me

out more effectu-

than

his

marvel-working tongue.
of
all

Phi.

What, Eucrates,

credible witnesses

?

That vener?

ably bearded sexagenarian, with his philosophic leanings

I

could never have believed that he would lend his countenance
to other people's
lies,

much

less

that he was capable of such

things himself.

The Liar
Tyc.

233
me
;

My dear sir,
in

you should have heard the stuff he told
for the truth of it
all
!

the way

which he vouched

too, solemnly
I

staking the lives of his children

on

his veracity

stared at

him in amazement, not knowing what to make of it one moment the next I concluded I thought he must be out of his mind
:

;

he had been

a

humbug

all

along, an ape in a lion's skin.

Oh,

it

was monstrous.
Phi.

Do
I

tell

me

all

about

it

;

I

am
a

curious to see

the

quackery that shelters beneath so long

beard.
I

6

Tyf.

often look in on Eucrates
I

when

have time on
;

my
is

hands, but to-day
a friend of mine,

had gone there to see Leontichus
I

he

you know, and

understood from his boy

that he had gone off early to inquire after Eucrates's health.
I

had not heard that there was anything the matter with him,
this

but
I

was an additional reason for paying him a

visit.

When
;

got there, Leontichus had just gone away, so Eucrates said
visitors.

but he had a number of other

There was Cleodemus

the Peripatetic and Dinomachus the Stoic, and Ion.

You know
his

Ion

?

he

is

the
;

man who
if

fancies himself so
his

much on
he
is

know-

ledge of Plato

you take

word

for

it,

the only

man
is

who
a

has ever really got to the
is

bottom

of that philosopher's

meaning, or

qualified to act as his interpreter.

There

company

for

you

;

Wisdom and

Virtue personified, the
all

elite

of every school,

most reverend gentlemen

of

them

;

it

almost

frightened one.
I

Then
in

there was Antigonus the doctor,
his
:

who

suppose

attended

professional

capacity.

Eucrates

seemed to be better already

he had come to an understand-

ing with the gout, which had
again.

now

settled

down

in his feet

He motioned me

to a seat

on the couch beside him.

His voice sank to the proper invalid level

coming, but on

my way
I

in

I

when he saw me had overheard him bellowing
the usual compliments

away

m.ost lustily.

made him
first
I

—exand

plained that this was the

had heard of

his illness,

234
that I had

Th^ Liar
come
to

him post-haste

— and

sat

down

at his side,

in very gingerly fashion, lest I should touch his feet.

There 7
this

had been
still

a

good deal
;

of talk already about gout,

and

was

going on

each

man had
his.
*

his

pet prescription to
left

offer.

Cleodemus was giving
of a field-mouse,

In the

hand

take

up the tooth

which has been

killed in the

manner described,
;

and attach
skin

it

to the skin of a freshly flayed lion
legs,

then bind the
'

about your
?
'

and the pain
'

will instantly cease.'

A

lion's skin

says

Dinomachus

;

I

understood
likely
:

it

was an un-

covered hind's.
pace,

That sounds more
is

a

hind has more

you

see,

and

particularly strong in the feet.

A

lion

is

a brave beast, I grant

you

;

his fat, his right
if

fore-paw, and his

beard-bristles, are

all

very efficacious,
;

you know the proper

incantation to use with each
use for gout.'
'

but they would hardly be
is

much

Ah, yes

;

that

what
a

I

used to think for a long

time
pose.

:

a

hind was
I

fast, so

her skin must be the one for the pur-

But

know
tells

better

now
else

:

Libyan,

who

understands
;

these things,
be,

me

that lions are faster than stags

they must
?
'

he

says,

because
the

how

could they catch them

All
8

agreed that
I

Libyan's

argument was convincing.
do,

When
internal

asked

what good incantations could

and how an
I

complaint could be cured by external attachments,

only got
as

laughed at for

my

pains

;

evidently they set

me down

a

simpleton, ignorant of the merest truisms, that no one in his
senses

would think
advice

of disputing.

However,

I

thought doctor
I

Antigonus seemed rather pleased at
professional

my

question.
:

expect his

had been slighted

he wanted to lower
a vegea faint
'
.?

Eucrates's tone,
table diet.
grin,
'

— cut

down

his wine,

and put him on
Cleodemus, with
are

'

What, Tychiades,'

says

'

you don't believe these remedies

good

for anything
'

before I should have to be pretty far gone,' I replied, admit that external things, which have no communication with the internal causes of disease, are going to work by means oi
I

could

The Liar
incantations and stuff, and effect a cure merely by being
on.
a

235*

hung
with

You might take the
I

skin of the

Nemean

lion himself,

dozen of field-mice tacked on, and you would do no good.
have seen
'

Why,
cj

a live lion

limping before now, hide and

all

complete.'

Ah, you have

a great deal to learn,' cried

Dino-

machus; 'you have never taken the trouble to inquire into the
operation of these valuable remedies.
It

would not

surprise

me

to hear you disputing the most palpable facts, such as the curing
of

tumours and intermittent
so

fevers, the

charming of

reptiles,

and
days.

on

;

things that every old
this

woman

can effect in these

And

being
?
'

so,
'

why
I

should not the same principles
nail,' I

be extended further
argue in a
circle.

Nail drives out

replied

*

;

you

How

do

know
it is

that these cures are brought
?

about by the means to which you attribute them
first

You have

to

show inductively that

in the course of nature for at the

a fever or a

tumour

to take fright
;

and bolt
till
'

sound of holy

names and foreign incantations
10 no better than old wives'
tales.'

then, your instances are

In other words, you do not

believe in the existence of the Gods, since

you maintain that

cures cannot be
say not so,
exist,
I

wrought by the use
I

of holy

names
'

?

'

'

Nay,

my

dear Dinomachus,'

answered
lies.

;

the

Gods may Gods
:

and these things may yet be
performed by them,

I

respect the

see the cures

I

see their beneficence at

work

in restoring the sick

through the medium of the medical
Asclepius, and his sons after him,
sick,

faculty

and

their drugs.

compounded soothing medicines and healed the
the lion's-skin-and-field-mouse process.'
11

—without
you of
a

'Never mind

Asclepius,' cried Ion.

'I will
a

tell

strange thing that happened
so.

when

I

was

boy of fourteen or

Some one came and
a

told

my father that Midas, his gardener,

a

good workman, had been bitten that morning by an adder, and was now lying prostrate, mortificasturdy fellow and
tion having set in in the leg.

He had been

tying the vine-

'

2^6
him on the great
catch
it
;

The Liar
when
oflF

branches to the trellis-work,

the reptile crept up and bit
to
its

toe, getting

hole before he could

and he was now in

a terrible

way.

Before our in-

formant had finished speaking, we saw Midas being carried up

by

his

fellow servants

on

a

stretcher

;

his

whole body was

swollen, livid and mortifying,
extinct.

and

life

appeared to be almost
;

My
*

a friend of his

uneasiness.
call a

father was very much troubled about it but who was there assured him there was no cause for I know of a Babylonian,' he said, what they
' ;

Chaldaean

I will

go and fetch him at once, and he
a

will

put the man

right.'

To make

long story short, the Baby-

lonian came, and by means of an incantation expelled the

venom

from the body, and restored Midas to health
the

;

besides the in-

cantation, however, he used a splinter of stone chipped from

monument
as if that

of a virgin

;

this

he applied to Midas's
I

foot.

And

were not enough (Midas,

may mention,
it

actually

picked up the stretcher on which he had been brought, and took
it off

with him into the vineyard

!

and

was

all

done by an
it

incantation and a bit of stone), the Chaldaean followed

up 12

with an exhibition nothing short of miraculous.

Early in the

morning he went into the
going thrice round

field,

pronounced seven names of

sacred import, taken from an old book, purified the ground by
it

with sulphur and burning torches, and
!

thereby drove every single reptile off the estate
as if

They came
only one old

drawn by

a spell

:

venomous toads and
cerastes

snakes of every
;

description, asp

and adder,

and acontias

serpent,

disabled apparently by age,

ignored the summons.

The Chaldaean
sent

declared that the

number was not complete,
as his

appointed the youngest of the snakes

ambassador, and
arrived.

him

to

fetch
all

the old

serpent

who

presently

Having got them

together, he blew

upon them; and imagine

our astonishment when every one of them was immediately

consumed

!

;

The Ltar
13
*

237
:

Ion,' said

I,

'

about that one who was so old

did the ambas?
'

sador snake give
'

him an arm,
joke,'

or had he a stick to lean on

Ah, you

will

have your

Cleodemus put
;

in

'

;

I

was an

unbeliever myself once
it

—worse than you
all

in fact I considered
I

absolutely impossible to give credit to such things.
a

held
first

out for

long time, but

my
it.

scruples were
;

overcome the

time
I

I

saw the Flying Stranger
his
:

a

Hyperborean, he was
to be said

have

own word

for

There was no more
strolling
'

after that

there was he travelling through the air in broad

daylight, walking
fectly at his ease
!

on the water, or
'
'

through

fire,

per-

What,'

I

exclaimed,

you saw
?
'

this
*

Hyperdid
;

borean actually flying and walking on water

I

he

wore brogues,

as

the Hyperboreans usually do.

I

need not
:

detain you with the everyday manifestations of his power

how he would make people fall in love, call up spirits, resuscitate corpses, bring down the Moon, and show you Hecate herself,
14 as large as
life.

But
It

I

will just tell

you of

a

thing

I

saw him do

at Glaucias's.

was not long

after Glaucias's father, Alcxicles,
fallen

had died.
in love

Glaucias, on

coming into the property, had
I

with Chrysis, Demaenetus's daughter.
at the time,

was teaching
for this love-

him philosophy
affair

and

if it

had not been

he would have thoroughly mastered the Peripatetic doc:

trines

at eighteen years old that

boy had been through
was clearly
I

his

physics,

and begun
all

analysis.

Well, he was in a dreadful way,
It

and told me
to introduce
ingly did
;

about

his love troubles.

my

duty

him

to this

Hyperborean wizard, which
fee, to

accordsacrifice,

his

preliminary

cover the expenses of
if

was to be

/^I5,

and he was to have another (fio
Well, as soon as the

Glaucias
full,

succeeded with Chrysis.

moon was

that being the time usually chosen for these enchantments, he

dug

a

trench in the courtyard of the house, and

commenced
ol<l

operations, at about midnight, by

summoning
months.

Glaucias's father,

who had now been dead

for seven

The

man

did

; ;

238
not approve of

The Liar
his son's passion,

and was very angry
his consent.

at first

however, he was prevailed on to give

Hecate was

next ordered to appear, with Cerberus in her train, and the

Moon

was brought down, and went through
;

a variety of trans-

formations

she appeared

first

in the

form of

a

woman, but

presently she turned into a most magnificent ox, and after that
into a puppy.

At length
it

the Hyperborean moulded a clay

Eros, and ordered

to go and fetch Chrysis.

Off went the

image, and before long there was a knock at the door, and there
stood Chrysis.
cias's

She came

in

and threw her arms about Glauwas dying
for love of

neck

;

you would have
till

said she

him

;

and she stayed on
flew the
all

at last

we heard
we saw
if

cocks crowing.

Away

Moon

into Heaven, Hecate disappeared under ground,

the apparitions vanished, and

Chrysis out of the house

just about

dawn.

— Now,
'

Tychiades,
to convince

you had seen

that,

it

15

would have been enough
thing in incantations.'
'

you that there was someshould have been
if I

Exactly,' I replied.
:

If I

had seen

it,

I

convinced

as it

is,

you must bear with me

have not your

eyes for the miraculous.
a

But
I

as to Chrysis,

I

know her
a

for

most inflammable lady.

do not

see

what occasion there
wizard
all

was for the clay ambassador and the Moon, or for
the

way from the land
a

of the Hyperboreans

;

why, Chrysis
shillings

would go that distance
'tis

herself for the

sum
you

of

twenty

form of incantation she cannot
:

resist.

She
tell

is

the exact
flight

opposite of an apparition

apparitions,

me, take

at the clash of brass or iron,

whereas

if

Chrysis hears the chink
I like

of silver, she

flies

to the spot.
all

By the way,

your wizard

:

instead of making

the wealthiest

women

in love with himself,

and getting thousands out of them, he condescends to pick up

^i
*

5

by rendering Glaucias
is

irresistible.'

This

sheer

folly,' said
I

Ion

' ;

you are determined not to 16

believe any one.

shall be glad,

now, to hear your views on

The Liar
the subject of those
of their exorcisms
is

239
;

who
clear

cure demoniacal possession

the effect
deal

enough, and they have
:

spirits to

with.

I

need not enlarge on the subject
:

look at that Syrian
after

adept from Palestine
has found a

every one knows

how time
;

time he
fit,

man thrown down on
mouth and
fee

the ground in a lunatic

foaming

at the

rolling his eyes

and how he has got
his right

him on
and
a

to his feet again

and sent him away in and

mind

;

handsome

he takes for freeing
as

men from

such horrors.
it is.

He
in

stands over

them

they

lie,

asks

the spirit whence

The

patient says not a word, but the spirit in
in

him makes answer,

Greek or
it

some foreign tongue
it

as

the case

may

be, stating

where

comes from, and how
if

entered into him.

Then with
:

adjurations, and
it it

need be with threats, the Syrian constrains

to

come out
I

of the

man.

I

myself once saw one coming out
*

was of

a dark,
;

smoky complexion.'
'

Ah, that

is

nothing for

you,'

replied

your eyes can discern those ideas which are
:

set forth in the

works of Plato, the founder of your school

now
17
'

they make a very faint impression on the dull optics of us

ordinary men.'

Do

you suppose,' asked Eucrates,
?

*

that he

is

the only

man
have

who

has seen such things
spirits,

Plenty of people besides Ion have

met with
like

by night and by day.
I I

As

for

me,
I

if

I

seen one apparition,

have seen

a

thousand.

used not to

them

at first,
it
;

but

am

accustomed to them now, and think

nothing of

especially since the

Arab gave me
doubt

my

ring of

gallows-iron,

and taught

me

the incantation with
will

all

those

names
'

in

it.

But perhaps you

my word
?

too

'

?

Doubt

the

least of all

word of Eucrates, the learned son of Dino when he unbosoms himself in the liberty
I

Never

!

of his

own

18 house.'

'

Well, what

am

going to

tell

you about the statue
household, from the
tell
'

was witnessed night

after night

by

all

my
is

eldest to the youngest,

and any one of them could
'

you the

story as well as myself.'

What

statue

this

?

'

Have you

240
never noticed
as

The Liar
you came in that beautiful one
?
'

in the court,

by Demetrius the portrait-sculptor
the quoit,

'Is that the one with

—leaning forward
he
lets it
;

for the throw,

with

his face

turned

back towards the hand that holds the quoit, and one knee bent,

ready to

rise as

go
I

?

'

'

Ah, that

is

a fine piece of

work, too,

a

Myron
it,

but

don't

mean

that, nor the beautiful

Polyclitus next
all

the Youth tying on the Fillet.
as

No, forget

you

pass

on your right

you come

in; the Tyrannicides^ of
:

Critius

and Nesiotes are on that

side too
?

notice

one just by the fountain
;

—but did you never —bald, pot-bellied,
half?
;

naked
that
is
is

beard partly caught by the wind
the one
I

protruding veins
a portrait,
'

mean

;

it

looks as

if it

must be

and

thought to be Pelichus, the Corinthian general.'
sure, I
;

Ah, to 19

be

have seen
is

it,'

I

replied

'

;

it is
fillets

to the right of the

Cronus
lands,

the head

crowned with
gilded.'
; *

and withered gar-

and the breast

Yes,

I

had that done, when he
he was
doctor too
?'

cured
it.'
' '

me

of the tertian ague
'
!

I

had been at Death's door with
' ;

Bravo, Pelichus
was, but
is.

I

exclaimed

so

a

Not

Beware of you make so

trifling
I

you

a visit before long.

Well do

statue with which

with him, or he may pay know what virtue is in that merry. Can you doubt that he
it

who

cures the ague
;

his favour,' I cried

may also inflict may he be as
'

at will

?

'

'I implore
is

merciful as he
all

mighty

!

And what
witnesses
?

are his other doings, to
'

which

your household are
'

'At

nightfall,' said Eucrates,
all

he descends from

his pedestal,
is

and walks

round the house

;

one or other of us
is

continually meeting with

him

;

sometimes he
:

singing.

He

has never done any

we

see

him

is

molesting

us.

we have to do when to step aside, and he passes on his way without He is fond of taking a bath you may hear him
harm
to any one
all
;

splashing about in the water

all
all,

night long.'

*

Perhaps,' I

suggested,

'

it is

not Pelichus at
*

but Talos the Cretan, the

Hiirinodius and Aristogiton.


;

The Liar
son of Minos
the island.
?

241
all

He
if

was of bronze, and used to walk

round

Or

only he were

made

of

wood

instead of bronze,

he might quite well be one of Daedalus's ingenious mechanisms

—you
you

say he plays truant from his pedestal just like
all.'
*

them

20 and not the work of Demetrius at
will

Take

care,

Tychiades

be sorry for

this

some day.
stole his
'

I

have not forgotten what
*

happened to the
sacrilegious villain

thief
!

who

monthly pennies.'
a lesson.
;

The

'

cried Ion
:

;

I

hope he got

How

was he punished
as

?

Do tell me
he
likes.'

never mind Tychiades

he can be

incredulous

as

'At the

feet of the statue a

number
also

of pence

were
of

laid,
;

and other coins were attached to
of these

his thigh

by means

wax
all

some

were

silver,

and there were

silver plates,

being the thank-offerings of those

whom

he

had cured of

fever.

Now we
till

had

a

scamp

of a

Libyan groom,

who

took

it

into his head to filch

all this

coin under cover of

night.

He

waited

the statue had descended from his
his

pedestal,

and then put
as

plan into
;

effect.

Pelichus detected
is

the robbery

soon

as

he got back

and

this

how he found
way

the offender out and punished him.

He
;

caused the wretch to

wander about
out, just as
if

in the court all night long, unable to find his

he had been in

a

maze

till

at daybreak

he was

caught with the stolen property in

his possession.

His guilt
;

was

clear,

and he received

a

sound flogging there and then
It

and before long he died

a villain's death.

seems from
;

his

own

confession that he was scourged every night

and each

succeeding morning the weals were to be seen on his body.

Now, Tychiades,
dotard,
'

let
?

me

hear you laugh at Pelichus

:

I

am
if

a

am

I

not

a relic

from the time
I,
'

of
is

Minos

'

?

My

dear Eucrates,' said

if

bronze

bronze, and

that

statue was cast

by Demetrius
I

of Alopece,

who

dealt not in

Gods but

in

men, then
;

cannot anticipate any danger from

a statue of Pelichus

even the menaces of the original would
particularly.'

not have alarmed
LUCIAN
III

me

R

;

242
informed
his host,
'

The Liar
in a

Here Antigonus, the doctor, put
have
the
a

word.

*

I

myself,'

he 21

Hippocrates in bronze, some eighteen

inches high.

Now
all

moment my

candle

is

out, he goes

clattering about
all

over the house, slamming the door, turning
all
*

my
?
'

boxes upside down, and mixing up
sacrifice
is

my

drugs
are

;

especi-

ally

when his annual
I cried
*

overdue.'

What

we coming
?

to

;

Hippocrates must have
all

sacrifices,

must he

he

must be feasted with

pomp and
is

circumstance, and punctually
?

to the day, or his leechship

angry

only too pleased to be complimented with a cup of
a garland, like
*

Why, he ought to be mead or

other dead men.'

Now

here,' Eucrates

went

on,

'

is

a

thing that I saw happen 22
It

five years ago, in

the presence of witnesses.

was during the

vintage.

I

had

left

the labourers busy in the vineyard at mid-

day, and was walking off into the wood, occupied with

my own
when

thoughts.
I

I

had already got under the shade

of the trees,

heard dogs barking, and supposed that
in the chase as usual,

my

boy Mnason was
pre-

amusing himself

and had penetrated into
it
:

the copse with his friends.

However, that was not
;

sently there was an earthquake
clap,

I

heard

a voice

hke

a

thunderless

and saw

a

terrible

woman
;

approaching, not

much

than three hundred feet high.

She

carried a torch in her left

hand, and a sword in her right
feet

the sword might be thirty
those of a dragon

long.

Her lower

extremities were
like

but the upper half was

Medusa

as to

the eyes,

I

mean

;

they were quite awful in their expression.

Instead of hair,

she had clusters of snakes writhing about her neck, and curling

over her shoulders.
speak of
it
'
!

See here

:

it

makes
us
all

my
his

flesh creep,

only to

And he showed

arm, with the hair

standing on end.

Ion and Dinomachus and Cleodemus and the
drank

rest of

them 23
their

down

every word.
this

The
least

narrator led

them by

venerable noses, and

convincing of colossal bogies

The Liar
this

243

hundrcd-yarder, was the object of their mute adorations.
these (I was reflecting
all

And

the time)


it

these are the admired
!

teachers from

whom

our youth are to learn wisdom
:

Two

circumstances distinguish them from babies
hair,

they have white

and they have beards

:

but when

comes to swallowing

a

lie,

they are babes and more than babes.
for instance,
]
' '

24

Dinomachus,
Goddess's dogs

wanted

to

know

'

how

big were the

They were
still,

taller

than Indian elephants,'

he was assured, 'and
sight of her,
I
;

as black,

with coarse, matted coats.

At the
Arab's

stood stock

and turned the

seal of

my

ring inwards

whereupon Hecate smote upon the ground with
as

her dragon's foot, and caused a vast chasm to open, wide

the

mouth
sight.

of Hell.
I

Into this she presently leaped, and was lost to
;

began to pluck up courage, and looked over the edge
took hold of a tree that grew near, for fear
fall in.

but

first I

I

should
:

be giddy, and

And then

I

saw the whole of Hades

there was Pyriphlegethon, the Lake of Acheron, Cerberus, the

Shades.

I

even recognized some of them
;

:

I

made out my
spirits

father quite distinctly

he was
'

still

wearing the same clothes in
the

which we buried him.'
asked Ion.
asphodel,
'

And what were
and kinsmen,
'

doing

'

?

Doing

?

Oh, they were

just lying
all
'
!

about on the

among
I

their friends

arranged accord-

ing to their clans and tribes.'
'

There now
his

exclaimed Ion

;

after that

should

like

to hear the Epicureans say another

word

against the divine Plato
I

and

account of the spiritual

world.

suppose you did not happen to see Socrates or Plato
?
'
'

among the Shades
plainly,
figure.

Yes,

I

did

;

I

saw Socrates

;

not very

though
Plato
I

;

I

only went by the bald head and corpulent
;

did not make out
I

I

will speak the plain truth
a

;

we are all friends here. when the chasm began
came
to look for

had

just

had
;

good look

at everything,

to close

up

some

of the servants

who
'

me

(Pyrrhias here was
visible.

among them)
is

arrived
?

while the gap was

still

—Pyrrhias,

that the fact

R 2


244
'

;

Tfy^ Liar
it
is,'

Indeed

says Pyrrhias
if I

' ;

what

is

more,
I

I

heard a dog
a

barking in the hole, and
of torchlight.'
I

am

not mistaken
;

caught

glimmer

could not help a smile

it

was handsome in

Pyrrhias, this of the bark
'

and the torchlight.
'

Your

experience,' observed Cleodemus,

is

by no means 25

without precedent.
myself, not long ago.

In fact
I

I

saw something of the same kind
ill,

had been

and Antigonus here was
for seven days,

attending me.

The

fever

had been on me

and

was now aggravated by the excessive heat.

All
left

were outside, having closed the door and

my attendants me to myself
;

those were your orders, you know, Antigonus

I

was to get

some

sleep

if

I

could.
at

Well,

I

woke up

to find a

handsome

young man standing

my
I

side, in a

white cloak.

He

raised

me up from
into

the bed, and conducted
I

me

through a sort of chasm
I

Hades

;

knew where

was at once, because

saw Tantalus

and Tityus and Sisyphus.
Fates and the Furies.
Pluto, I suppose
it

Not

to go into details, I

came

to the

Judgement-hall, and there were Aeacus and Charon and the

One

person of a majestic appearance

was

sat reading
life

out the names of those having lapsed.

were due to

die, their

term of

who The young
:

man took me and set me before him, but Pluto Hew into a rage " his thread is " Away with him," he said to my conductor
;

not yet out
spindleful

;

go and fetch Demylus the smith
I

;

he has

had

his

and more."

ran
I

off

home, nothing
and was

loath.

My fever
have some

had now disappeared, and
as

told everybody that

Demylus was

good

as

dead.
it

He

lived close by,

said to

illness,

and

was not long before we heard the voices of mourners
remarked Antigonus
after

in his house.'
'

This need not surprise

us,'

' ;

I

know 26

of a

man who
;

rose

from the dead twenty days
his

he had been

buried

I

attended him both before
'

death and after his
I,
'

resurrection.'

I

should have thought,' said
in
all

that the

body

must have putrefied

that time, or

if

not that, that he must

The Liar
have collapsed for want of nourishment.
second Epimenides 27
'

245-

Was your

patient a

?

At

this

point in the conversation, Eucrates's sons came in
a

from the gymnasium, one of them quite
a boy of fifteen or
so.

young man, the other
and
a chair

After saluting the company, they took
at their father's side,

their seats

on the couch

was

brought for me.

The appearance
:

of the boys

seemed to remind
of them, he

Eucrates of something
addressed
to tell

laying a
'

hand upon each
if

me
is

as follows.

Tychiades,

what

I

am now

about

you

anything but the truth, then
It
is

of these lads.

well

known
;

to every

may I never have joy one how fond I was of
it

my

sainted wife, their

mother

and

I

showed

in

my

treat;

ment

of her, not only in her lifetime, but even after her death

for I ordered all the jewels

and clothes that she had valued to

be burnt upon her pyre.
death,
I

Now
my

on the seventh day

after her

was

sitting here

on

this very couch, as it

might be now,
book about
herself

trying to find comfort for

affliction in Plato's
this,

the soul.

I

was quietly reading

when Demaenete

appeared, and sat

down

at

my side

exactly as Eucratides

is

doing

now.'

Here he pointed

to the younger boy,

who had turned
in childish
'

quite pale during this narrative, and
terror.
'

now shuddered
I

The moment

I

saw

her,'

he continued,

threw
;

my
and

arms about her neck and wept aloud. complained that though
thing
else, I
I

She bade

me

cease

had consulted her wishes

in every-

had neglected to burn one had
fallen

of her golden sandals,

which she

said

under

a chest.

We

had been unable
it.

to find this sandal,

and had only burnt the fellow to
little

While

we were

still

conversing, a hateful

Maltese terrier that lay

under the couch started barking, and
vanished.

my

wife immediately

The

sandal, however,

was found beneath the chest,
still

28 and was eventually burnt.

—Do you
'

doubt, Tychiades, in
'

the face of one convincing piece of evidence after another
'

?

God

forbid

'
!

I

cried

;

the doubter

who

should presume

2^6
thus to brazen
it

The Liar
out in the face of Truth would deserve to

have a golden sandal applied to him after the nursery fashion.'
Arignotus
the Pythagorean
is

now came

in

—the

'

divine

'

29

Arignotus, as he

called

;

the philosopher of the long hair

and the solemn countenance, you know, of whose wisdom we
hear so much.
I

breathed again

thought

I,

'

the very

their lies asunder.

Ah when I saw him. man we want here is the axe to hew The sage will soon pull them up when he
*

'

!

!

hears their cock-and-bull stories.

Fortune has brought
sat

a deus

ex machina upon the scene.'
to

He

down (Cleodemus
*

rising

make room
'

for

him) and inquired after Eucrates's health.

E aerates

replied that he was better.
is

And

what,' Arignotus
.?

next asked,

the subject of your learned conversation
as I

I

overheard your voices

came

in,

and doubt not that your
Eucrates

time will prove to have been profitably employed.'
pointed to me.
this
*

We

were only

trying,'

he

said,

'

to convince

man

of

adamant that there

are such things as supernatural

beings and ghosts, and that the spirits of the dead walk the earth

and manifest themselves to whomsoever they
the august presence of Arignotus,
'

will.'

Moved by

I

blushed, and
all

hung

my

head.

Ah, but, Eucrates,' said

he,

'

perhaps

that Tychiades means
a violent end,
crucified,

is,

that a spirit only walks

if its

owner met with
If that
'

if

he was strangled, for instance, or beheaded or
if

and

not
is
'

he died

a natural death.

is

what he means, there
no,' says

great justice in his contention.'
is

No,

Dinomachus,

he maintains that there
'

absolutely no such thing as an

apparition.'

What
* ;

is

this I

hear

?

'

asked Arignotus, scowl- 30

ing

upon me
there
.?

you deny the existence of the supernatural,

when
of
it

is

scarcely a
lies

man who

has not seen

some evidence
'
:

'

'

Therein

my

exculpation,' I replied

I

do not

believe in the supernatural, because, unlike the rest of mankind,
I

do not
do.'

see it
'

:

if I

saw, I should doubtless believe, just as you
'

all

Well,' said he,

next time you are in Corinth, ask for

The Liar
the house of Eubatides, near the

247
;

Craneum

and when you have
tell

found

it,

go up to Tibius the door-keeper, and

him you

would

like to see

the spot on which Arignotus the Pythagorean

unearthed the demon, whose expulsion rendered the house
31 habitable again.'
Eucrates.
'
'

What was

that about, Arignotus

?

'

asked

The

house,' replied the other,
:

'

was haunted, and had been

uninhabited for years

each intending occupant had been at

once driven out of midable apparition.

it

in abject terror

by

a

most grim and

for-

Finally

it

had

fallen into a ruinous state,

the roof was giving way, and in short no one would have thought
of entering
it.

Well,
a

when

I

heard about

this, I

got

my

books

together

(I

have

considerable
off

number

of

Egyptian works on
bed-time,
considered

these subjects)

and went

to the house about

undeterred by the remonstrances of
that
I

my

host,

who

was walking into the jaws of Death, and would almost

have detained
took
a

me by
I

force

when he
on the

learnt

my

destination.

I

lamp and entered

alone,

and putting down

my

light in

the principal room,
spirit

sat

floor quietly reading.

The

now made

his

appearance, thinking that he had to do with

an ordinary person, and that he would frighten
frightened so

me

as a

he had
tangled

many

others.

He

was pitch-black, with
assailed

mass of

hair.

He drew

near,

and

me from

all

quarters,

trying every means to get the better of me, and changing in
a

moment from dog

to bull,

from bull to

lion.

Armed with my
I

most appalling adjuration, uttered

in the
a

Egyptian tongue,

drove him spell-bound into the corner of

dark room, marked

the spot at which he disappeared, and passed the rest of the

night in peace.

In the morning, to the amazement of

all

be-

holders (for every one had given
to find

me up

for lost,

and expected

me

lying dead like former occupants),

house, and carried to Eubatides the

I issued from the welcome news that it was
fit

now

cleared of

its

grim

visitant,

and

to serve as a

human


248
habitation.

The Liar
He and
a

number
I

of others,

whom

curiosity

had had and

prompted to
seen the

join us, followed
vanish.
:

me
;

to the spot at

which

I

demon

instructed

them

to take spades

pick-axes and dig

they did so

and

at

about a fathom's depth

we

discovered a mouldering corpse, of which nothing but the

bones remained entire.
in a grave
;

We

took the skeleton up, and placed
this

it

and from that day to

the house has never been

troubled with apparitions.'

After such a story

as this

—coming
as a

as it

did from Arignotus, 32

who was

generally looked

up to

man
I

of inspired

wisdom

my
his

incredulous attitude towards the supernatural was loudly
all

condemned on
claimed,
as
'

hands.

However,

was not frightened by
'

long hair, nor by his reputation.

Dear, dear

'
!

I as

ex-

so Arignotus, the sole mainstay of
as full of
*

Truth,
!

is

bad

the rest of them,

windy imaginings

Our

treasure

proves to be but ashes.'

Now

look here, Tychiades,' said

Arignotus,

'

you

will

not believe me, nor Dinomachus, nor
:

Cleodemus here, nor yet Eucrates

we

shall

be glad to know

who

is

your great authority on the other
all ?
'
*

side,
'

who

is

to out-

weigh us

No

less a person,' I replied,

than the sage of

Abdera, the wondrous Democritus himself.
apparitions
in that
is

His

disbelief in

sufficiently clear.

When
young

he had shut himself up

tomb

outside the city gates, there to spend his days and
fellows,

nights in literary labours, certain
to play their pranks

who had

a

mind

on the philosopher and give him
a brisk dance.
:

a fright,

got themselves up in black palls and skull-masks, formed a ring

round him, and treated him to
alarmed at the ghosts
nonsense," was
all
?

Was Democritus
of

Not he

"

Come, enough
;

that

he had to say to them

and that without so
Evidently he
*

much

as

looking up, or taking pen from paper.

had quite

made up

his

mind about disembodied
'

spirits.'

Which

simply proves,' retorted Eucrates,
wiser than yourself.

that Democritus was no
tell

Now

I

am

going to

you

of another 3^

The Liar
thing that happened to

249
;

me

personally

I did

not get the story
hold out

second-hand.

Even you, Tychiades,
a

will

scarcely

against so convincing a narrative.
'

When

I

was

young man,

I

passed some time in Egypt,

my

father having sent
it

me

to that country for

my

education.

I

took

into

my

head to

sail

up the Nile
at sunrise.

to Coptus,

and thence pay
was more

a visit to the statue of

Memnon, and
In

hear the curious sound

that proceeds from

it

this respect, I

fortunate than most people,
voice
:

who
it is

hear nothing but an indistinct
his lips,

Memnon

actually

opened
;

and delivered me an

oracle in seven hexameters

foreign to
lines.

my

present purpose,

34 or I

would quote you the very
man, versed

Well now, one of
a scribe of

my

fellow passengers

on the way up was

Memphis, an
his life

extraordinarily able

in all the lore of the Egyptians.

He

was said to have passed twenty-three years of

underin-

ground in the tombs, studying occult sciences under the
struction of
crates,
Isis

herself.'

'

You must mean
'

the divine Panclean-shaven,
;

my

teacher,' exclaimed Arignotus
lips,

;

tall,

snub-nosed, protruding

rather thin in the legs

dresses

entirely in linen, has a thoughtful expression,

and speaks Greek
I

with a slight accent

?

'

'

Yes,

it

was Pancrates himself.

knew nothing about him at first, but whenever we anchored I used to see him doing the most marvellous things, for instance, he would actually ride on the crocodiles' backs, and swim about among the brutes, and they would fawn upon him

and wag
man.
I

their tails

;

and then

I

realized that he was

no

common

made some
on quite

advances, and by imperceptible degrees
a friendly footing

came

to be

with him, and was ad-

mitted to

a share in his

mysterious
to leave

arts.
all

The end

of

it

was,

that he prevailed

on me

my
;

servants behind at

Memphis, and accompany him alone assuring me that Vfe should not want for attendance. This plan we accordingly
35 followed from that time onwards.

Whenever we came

to an

zfo
inn,

The Liar
a

he used to take up the bar of the door, or
it

broom, or

perhaps a pestle, dress
cantation
;

up

in clothes,

and utter

a certain in-

whereupon the thing would begin
one took
it

to walk about,
off

so that every

for a

man.

It

would go
itself

and draw was

water,

buy and cook

provisions,

and make
for

generally useful.

When we

had no further occasion

its

services, there

another incantation, after which the broom was a broom once

more, or the pestle

a pestle.

I
it

could never get him to teach

me

this
as

incantation, though

was not for want of trying
else,

;

open

he was about everything

he guarded

this

one secret

jealously.

At

last

one day
;

I

hid in a dark corner, and overheard

the magic syllables

they were three in number.

The Egyptian
the market.
:

gave the pestle

its

instructions,

and then went

off to

Well, next day he was again busy in the market
pestle, dressed
it,

so I took the 56

pronounced the three
it

syllables exactly as

he

had done, and ordered

to

become
I

a water-carrier.

It

brought

me

the pitcher

full

;

and then

said

:

Stop

:

be water-carrier
take

no longer, but pestle as heretofore.
notice of

But the thing would

no

me

:

it

went on drawing water the whole time,
full of it.

until

at last the house

was

This was awkward
I

:

if

Pancrates
it

came
result
I

back, he
I

would be angry,

thought (and so indeed

turned out).

took an axe, and cut the pestle in two.

The
;

was that both halves took pitchers and fetched water
of one.

had two water-carriers instead

This was

still

going

on,

when

Pancrates appeared.

He

saw how things stood, and
;

turned the water-carriers back into wood

and then he with-

drew himself from me, and went away, whither I knew not.' And you can actually make a man out of a pestle to this Yes, I can do that, but that is day ? asked Dinomachus.
'

'

'

only half the process

:

I

cannot turn
a

it

back again into
its

its

original

form

;

if

once

it

became
' :

water-carrier,

activity

would

swamp
'

the house.'
'
!

Oh, stop

I cried

if

the thought that you are old

men

37

The Liar
is

25-1
this

not enough to deter you from talking
is

trash,

at least
fill

remember who
horrors for a
lads
:

present

:

if

you do not want to

these

boys' heads with ghosts

and hobgoblins, postpone your grotesque

more

suitable occasion.

Have some mercy on the
and make

do not accustom them

to listen to a tangle of superstitious
for the rest of their lives,

stuff that will cling to

them

them
38
*

start at their

own

shadows.'
says Eucrates,
'

Ah, talking of superstition, now,'

that re-

minds

me
?

:

what do you make

of oracles,

for instance,

and

omens
course

of inspired utterances, of voices
?

from the deny
all

shrine, of

the priestess's prophetic lines
?

You

will

that too, of

If I

were to

tell

you
is

of a certain

magic ring in

my

possession, the seal of

which

a portrait of

the Pythian Apollo,

and actually speaks to me,
believe
it,

I I

suppose you would decline to

you would think

was bragging

?

But

I

must

tell

you

all

of

what

I

heard in the temple of Amphilochus at Mallus,

when

that hero appeared to
I I

and of what
again of
all

saw with

me in my own

person and gave
eyes

me

counsel,
;

on that occasion

and was

saw at Pergamum and heard at Patara.

It

on

my way home from Egypt that the oracle of Mallus was mentioned to me as a particularly intelligible and veracious one
:

I

was told that any question, duly written down on
to the priest,
it

a tablet

and

handed
I

would receive
a

a plain, definite answer.

thought

would be

good thing to take the oracle on

my way
a

home, and consult the
39
I

God
:

as to

my

future.'

saw what was coming

this

was but the prologue to
clear

whole

tragedy of the oracular.

It

was

enough that
many,

I

was not

wanted, and

as I

did not feel called upon to pose as the sole

champion

of the cause of

Truth among
'

so

I

took

my

leave there and then, while Eucrates was
seas

still

upon the high
find

between Egypt and Mallus.
I

I

must go and

Leon-

tichus,'

explained

* ;

I

have to see him about something.

Meanwhile, you gentlemen, to

whom human

affairs

are not

25*2
sufficient occupation,

The Liar
may
solicit

the insertion of divine fingers
I

into your mytfiologic pie.'
of

And

with that
fell

went

out. Relieved

my presence,
That
is

I

doubt not that they

to with a will

on

their

banquet of mendacity.

what

I

got by going to Eucrates's

;

and,

upon

my
as

word, Philocles,

my

overloaded stomach needs an emetic
I

much

as if I

had been drinking new wine.

would pay some-

thing for the drug that should work oblivion in
effects of

me

:

I

fear the

haunting reminiscence

;

monsters, demons, Hecates,

seem to pass before
Phi.
I

my

eyes.

am

not

much

better

off.

They
:

tell

us

it is

not only 40
victim's

the
bite

mad dog
is

that

inflicts

hydrophobia

his

human
bites

as
it

deadly

as his

own, and communicates the

evil as surely.

You,

seems, have been bitten with
it

many
;

by the

liar

Eucrates, and have passed

on

to

me

no otherwise can

I

explain the demoniacal poison that runs in

my

veins.

Tyc.

What

matter, friend

?

Truth and good
;

sense

:

these

are the drugs for our ailment

let us

employ them, and that
us.

empty

thing, a

lie,

need have no terrors for

F.

DIONYSUS,
When
legend,

AN INTRODUCTORY
LECTURE

for I

Dionysus invaded India
I

may

tell

you

a

Bacchic

may

not

?

it is

recorded that the natives so under;

rated

him

that his approach only

rather, his rashness filled

amused them at first them with compassion he would
;

or
so

soon be trampled to death by their elephants,
field

if

he took the

against them.
details

Their scouts had doubtless given them
his

amazing

about

army

:

the rank and

file

were frantic
with
little

mad women crowned with
pikes that

ivy, clad in fawn-skins,

had no

steel

about them, but were ivy-wreathed

;

Dionysus^ an Introductory Lecture
like

2f3
;

themselves, and toy bucklers that tinkled at a touch
sliields,

they

took the tambourines for
a few

you

see

;

and then there were

bumpkins among them,
tails,

stark naked,

who danced

wildly,

and had
2

and horns

like a

new-born

kid's.

Their general,

who

rode on a car drawn by panthers, was
fluff

quite beardless, with not even a vestige of

on

his face,

had
a

horns, was crowned with grape-clusters, his hair tied with
fillet,

his cloak purple,

and

his shoes of gold.

Of

his lieutenants,

one was

short, thick-set,
;

paunchy, and flat-nosed, with great

upright ears

he trembled perpetually, leant upon a narthexass,

wand, rode mostly upon an

wore

saffron to his superior's

purple, and was a very suitable general of division for him.

The

other was a half-human hybrid, with hairy

legs,
;

horns, and
a

flowing beard, passionate and quick-tempered

with

reed-

pipe in his

left

hand, and waving

a

crooked

staff in his right,

he

skipped round and round the host, a terror to the
let their dishevelled tresses fly

women, who
cries of
flocks

abroad

as

he came, with

Evoe
had

—the name of their

lord, guessed the scouts.

Their

suffered, they added, the

young had been
;

seized alive

and

torn piecemeal by the
3

women

they ate raw
it

flesh, it

seemed.
be, to the

All this was food for laughter, as well

might

Indians and their king: Take the field? array their hosts against

him
with

?

no, indeed
his,
if

;

at

worst they might match their
;

women

he

still
;

came on
a set of

for themselves such a victory
a general in a snood,

would be

a disgrace

mad women,
and
a

a little old drunkard, a half-soldier,

few naked dancers
?

why
cities

should they murder such a droll crew

However, when
fire,

they heard

how

the

God

was wasting their land with

giving

and

citizens

to the flames, burning their forests,
all

and
the

making one great conflagration of
no more time, but armed
elephants,

Bacchic instrument, Dionysus's very
lost
;

— for birthright —
India
;

fire

is

,

then they

they girthed, bitted, and castled
not that they had

their

and out they marched

2 5*4

DionysusJ an Introductory Lecture
;

ceased to scorn

but now they were angry too, and
all his

in a

hurry

to crush this beardless warrior with

host.

When the two armies came to sight of one another,
drew up
and Pan
their elephants in front
side,

the Indians 4
;

and advanced

their phalanx

on the other

Dionysus held the centre, Silenus led
;

his right,

his left

wing
for

his colonels

and captains were the

satyrs,

and the word

the day

evoe.

Straightway tambourines

clattered, cymbals

sounded to

battle, a satyr

blew the war-note

on

his horn,

Silenus's ass sent forth a martial bray,

and the

maenads leapt
baring

shrill-voiced

on the

foe, girt

with serpents and
In
a

now

the steel of their thyrsus-heads.

moment

Indians and elephants turned and fled disordered, before even
a missile

could carry across

;

and the end was that they were
;

smitten and led captive by the objects of their laughter

they

had learnt the lesson that
and scorn an enemy of

it is

not safe to take the
is

first

report,

whom

nothing

known.

But you wonder what
of being only too fresh

all this is

about

—suspect me,
my

possibly, 5

from the company of Bacchus. Perhaps

the explanation, involving a comparison of myself with Gods,
will only

more convince you
is,

of

my
for

exalted or

drunken

mood

;

it

that

ordinary people are affected by literary
instance) much as They have an idea
farce, are to

novelties

(my own productions,

the
that

Indians were by that experience.
literary satyr-dances, absurdities,

pure

be expected

from me, and, however they reach their conception of me,
they incline to one of two attitudes.

Some

of

them avoid

my

readings altogether, seeing no reason for climbing
their elephants
satyrs
;

down

from

and paying attention to revelling
others

women

and skipping

come with

their preconceived idea,
a steel

and when they find that the thyrsus-head has
it,

point under

they are too

much startled by the surprise
now
as

to
if

venture approval.
they will attend
if

I

confidently promise them, however, that

the rite repeatedly

in days of yore,

my

old boon-

;

Dionysus^ an Introductory Lecture
companions
will call to

25"^

mind the

revels that

once we shared,

not be too shy of satyrs and Silenuses, and drink deep of the

bowl

I

bring, the frenzy shall take

hold upon them too,

till

their evoes vie with mine.

6

Well, they are free to listen or not
choice.

;

let

them
I

take their
like to

Meanwhile, we are

still

in India,

and

should

give you another fact from that country, again a link between

Dionysus and our business.

In the territory of the Machlaeans,
to

who occupy
there
is

the

left

bank of the Indus right down
size,

the

sea,

a grove, of

no great

but enclosed both round about

and overhead,
ivy

light being almost excluded

by the profusion of

and

vine.

In

it

are three springs of fair pellucid water,
satyrs' well,

called,

one of them the

the second Pan's, and the

other that of Silenus.

The

Indians enter this grove once a year

at the festival of Dionysus,

and

taste the wells, not promis;

cuously, however, but according to age

the satyrs' well

is

for

the young, Pan's for the middle-aged, and Silenus's for those at

my
7

time of

life.

VV^hat effect their

draught produces on the children, what

doings the
us
;

men

are spurred to, Pan-ridden,

must not detain

but the behaviour of the old under their water intoxication
its

has

interest.

As soon

as

one of them has drunk, and Silenus
for a space like
is

has possessed him, he

falls

dumb
;

one

in vinous

lethargy
clear, his

;

then on

a

sudden

his voice

strong, his articulation
issues a

intonation musical

from dead silence
restrain

stream

of

talk

;

the gag would scarce
tale
;

him from
Yet
all is

incessant
sense

chatter

;

upon
his
'

tale

he

reels
as

you

off.

and

order withal
well,
as

words are

many, and
'

find their place as
orator.

those

winter snowflakes

of

Homer's

You

may

talk of his

swan-song

if

you

will,
is

mindful of

his years

but you must add that
grasshopper's,
silent,
till

his chirping
;

quick and lively as the
fit
is

evening comes

then the

past

;

he

falls

and

is

his

common

self again.

But the greatest wonder

2y6
I

Dionyjujy an Introductory Lecture
tell
:

have yet to

if

he leave unfinished the
short,

tale

he was upon,

and the setting sun cut him
he
will

then at

his

next year's draught

resume

it

where the inspiration

of this year deserted

him.

Gentlemen,
foibles
;

I

have been pointing Momus-like at
;

my owr
you can and

8

I

need not trouble you with the application
for yourselves.

make out the resemblance
babbling, you

But

if

you find me
;

know now what

has loosed

my

tongue

if

there

is

shrewdness in any of

my

words, then to Silenus be the

thanks,

H,

HERACLES, AN INTRODUCTORY

LECTURE
Our
of

Heracles
;

is

known among the Gauls under the

local

name
is

Ogmius
hairs

and the appearance he presents in their pictures

truly grotesque.

They make him out
left (he
is

as old as old

can be

:

the

few

he has
is

quite bald in front) are dead white,
as

and

his skin

wrinkled and tanned

black as any old

salt's.

You would
lapetus,
ever, he has

take

him

for

some

infernal deity, for

Charon or
he
is,

—any one
all

rather than Heracles.

Such

as
:

how-

the proper attributes of that

God

the lion'sclub,

skin hangs over his shoulders, his right
his left
is

hand grasps the
;

the strung bow, and a quiver

is

slung at his side

nothing

wanting to the Heraclean equipment.

Now
Gods
;

I

thought at

first

that this was just a cut at the Greek 2

that in taking these liberties with the personal appearance

of Heracles, the Gauls were merely exacting pictorial vengeance
for his invasion of their territory
;

for in his search after the

herds of Geryon he had overrun and plundered most of the
peoples of the West.

However,

I

remarkable feature in the portrait.

have yet to mention the most 3 This ancient Heracles drags

:

Heracles^ an Introductory Lecture
after
ears

\

him

a vast

crowd

of

men,

all

of

whom

are fastened b\

with thin chains composed of gold and amber, and loa
like beautiful

more

necklaces than anything else.

From'^^ns

flimsy bondage they make no attempt to escape, though escape

must be

easy.

There

is

not the slightest show of resistance

:

instead of planting their heels in the ground and dragging back,

they follow with joyful alacrity, singing their captor's praises
the while
;

and from the eagerness with which they hurry

after

him

to prevent the chains
is

from tightening, one would say that

release

the last thing they desire.

Nor

will I conceal

from
all.

you what struck
Heracles's right

me

as
is

the most curious circumstance of

hand
is

occupied with the club, and

his left
?

with

the

bow

:

how

he to hold the ends of the chains

The
;

painter solves the difficulty by boring a hole in the tip of the

God's tongue, and making that the means of attachment
head
is

his

turned round, and he regards

his followers

with

a smiling

countenance.

4

For

a long time I stood staring at this in
it,

amazement
feel
a

:

I

knew

not what to make of
nettled,

and was beginning to

somev/hat

when

I

was addressed in admirable Greek by

Gaul who
acquaint-

stood at

my side,

and who besides possessing
he

a scholarly

ance with the Gallic mythology, proved to be not unfamiliar

with our own.
let

'

Sir,'

said,

*

I

see this picture puzzles

you

me

solve the riddle.
as

We

Gauls connect eloquence not with

Hermes,
it

you do, but with the mightier Heracles, you to
see

Nor need
It
is

surprise

him represented
it

as

an old man.

the
;

prerogative of eloquence, that
at least
if

reaches perfection in old age

we may
is

believe your poets,

who

tell

us that

Youth

the sport of every random gust,

whereas old age

Hath

that to say that passes youthful wit.

Thus we

find that

from Nestor's

lips

honey

is

distilled

;

and

2f8
lily,

Heracles^ an Introductory Lecture

that the words of the Trojan counsellors are compared to the

which,

if I

have not forgotten
if

my

Greek,

is

the

name

of

a flower.

Hence,

you
ear,

will consider the relation that exists 5

between tongue and
draws

you

will find

nothing more natural
is

than the way in which our Heracles,
sonified,

who

Eloquence per-

men

along with their ears tied to his tongue.

Nor is any slight intended by the hole bored through that member I recollect a passage in one of your comic poets in which we are told that
:

There
Indeed,

is

a hole in

every glib tongue's

tip.

we
to

refer the achievements of the original Heracles,
last,

6

from

first

to his

wisdom and

persuasive eloquence.
his

His

shafts, as I take it, are

no other than

words

;

swift, keen-

pointed, true-aimed to do deadly execution on the soul.'

And
'

in

conclusion
words.'

he

reminded

me

of

our

own

phrase,

winged

Now

while

I

was debating within myself the advisability of 7
this

appearing before you, and of submitting myself for a second

time to the verdict of

enormous

jury, old as I

am, and long

unused to lecturing, the thought of
to

this Heracles portrait

came

my

relief.

I

had been

afraid that

some

of

you would con-

sider
years.

it a
'

piece of youthful audacity inexcusable in one of

my

Thy

force,'

some Homeric youth might remark with

crushing effect, 'is spent; dull age hath borne thee

down';

and he might add,

in playful allusion to

my

gouty

toes,

Slow are thy

steeds,

and weakness waits upon thee.

But the thought
than he.

of having that venerable hero to keep

me

in

countenance emboldens

me

to risk everything

:

I

am

no older

and speed and beauty

Good-bye, then, to bodily perfections, to strength g Love, when he sees my gx^y beard, is
;

welcome

to fly past, as the
;

poet of Teos

^

has

it,

with rush of
is

gilded wings

'tis all

one to Hippoclides.
'

Old age

Wisdom's

Anacreon.

Heracles^

an Introductory Lecture
:

2 $'9
she

youth, the day of her glorious flower

let

her draw
;

whom
fear

can by the ears
lest

;

let

her shoot her bolts freely

no

now

the supply run short.

There

is

the old man's comfort, on

the strength of which he ventures to drag

down

his boat,

which

has long lain high and dry, provision her as best he may, and

once more put out to

sea.
fill

Never did

I

stand in more need of a generous breeze, to

my
me,

sails

and speed

me on my way
;

:

may

the

Gods

dispose

you

to contribute thereto
as of

so shall I not be

found wanting, and of

Odysseus,

it shall

be said
!

How

stout a thigh lurked 'neath the old man's rags

F.

SWANS AND AMBER
You
it is

have no doubt

a

proper faith in the amber legend

—how

the tears shed by poplars on the Eridanus for Phaethon, the

said poplars being his sisters,

who were changed

to trees in the

course of their mourning, and continue to distil their lacrimal

amber.
ward,
if

That was what the poets taught me, and
ever fortune should bring

I

looked for-

me

to the Eridanus, to stand-

ing under a poplar, catching a few tears in a fold of

my

dress,

and having
2

a

supply of the commodity.
I

Sure enough,

found myself there not long ago upon another

errand, and had occasion to go
I

up the Eridanus

;

but, though

was

all

eyes, I

saw neither poplars nor amber, and the natives
as

had not

so

much

heard of Phaethon.

I

started

my

inquiries
;

by asking when we should come to the amber poplars

the
told

boatmen only laughed, and requested explanations.

I

them the
car,

story

:

Phaethon was

a

son of Melius, and
if

when he
his

grew up came to

his father and asked

he might drive

and be the day-maker just that once.

His father con-

2 do
sented,
sisters
'

Swans and Amber
but he was thrown out and
in this land of yours,'
I

killed,
'

and

his

mourning

said,

where he
still

Eridanus,
him.'
'

turned

into

poplars,

and

on the weep amber for
fell

What
a

liar

took you in like that,
spilt
;

sir ?

'

they said

'

;

we

never 3

saw

coachman
if it

and where are the poplars

?

why, do
for

you suppose,
sixpences
?

was

true,

we would row

or

tow up stream
I said

we

should only have to collect poplar-tears to be

rich men.'

This truth impressed

me

a

good deal

;

no

more, and was painfully conscious of
the poets
;

my

childishness in trusting
fictions,
;

they deal in such extravagant

they come to
set

scortt sober fact.

Here was one hope gone
as

I

had

my

heart

upon

it,

and was
of

much
;

chagrined

as if I

had dropped the

amber out

my

hands
it

I

had had

all

my

plans ready for the

various uses to which

was to be put.
I still

However, there was one thing
find there,

thought

I really

should 4

and that was

flocks of

swans singing on the banks.

We

were
' :

again

still on the way up, and I applied to the boatmen About what time do the swans take post for their
?

famous musical entertainment


'
:

^Apollo's fellow craftsmen,

you

know, who were changed here from men to birds, and still sing in memory of their ancient art.' Are you going to lie all day But they only jeered at me
about our country and our
water
;

5

river,

pray

?

We

are always
;

on the
well,

we do
to
it.

we have worked all our lives on see a swan now and again in
is
;

the Eridanus

the marshes

;

and

a

harsh feeble croak their note

crows or jackdaws are sirens
as

them

;

as for

sweet singing such

you

tell of,

not

a

ghost of

We

cannot make out where you

folk get all

these tales

about

us.'

Such disappointments
picturesque reporters.

are the natural consequence of trusting

6

Well now,

I

am

afraid the

newcomers

among

you,

who

hear

me

for the

first

time,

may have been

Srvans and

Amber

261
presently depart
to look for such

expecting swans and amber from me, and
laughing at the people
literary treasures.

may who encouraged them
I

But

solemnly aver that no one has ever

heard or ever shall hear
persons in plenty you

may

me making any such claims. Other find who are Eridanuses, rich not in
far

amber, but in very gold, and more melodious
poets' swans.

than the
is

But you
is

see

how

plain

and unromantic

my

material

;

song

not in me.

Any one who
;

expects great

things from
Its

me

will

be

like a

man

looking at an object in water.

image

is

magnified by an optical effect

he takes the reality
fishes it

to correspond to the appearance,

and when he
I

up

is

disgusted to find

it

so small.

So

pour out the water, exhibit
for a large haul
;

my

wares, and

warn you not to hope

if

you

do, you have only yourselves to blame.

H.

THE
The
fly is

FLY,
and
still

AN APPRECIATION
a level

not the smallest of winged things, on
tinier creatures
;

with

gnats, midges,

it is

as

much

larger

than they
usual sort,

as smaller
is

than the bee.
all

It has not feathers of the

not fledged
like

over

like

some, nor provided with

quill-feathers

other birds, but resembles locusts, grass-

hoppers, and bees in being gauze-winged, this sort of wing being
as

much more
and

delicate than the ordinary as Indian fabrics are

lighter

softer than Greek.

Moreover, close inspection of
in the sun will

them when spread out and moving
be peacock-hued.

show them to

2

Its flight

is

accompanied neither by the incessant wing-beat

of the bat, the

jump

of the locust, nor the

buzz of the wasp,

but

carries it easily in

any direction.

It has the further merit

of a music neither sullen as with the gnat kind, deep as with

the bee, nor grim and threatening

as

with the wasp

;

it is as

;

26^2

The

Fly^

an Appreciation
is

much more
or cymbals.

tuneful than they as the flute

sweeter than trumpet

As

for the rest of its person, the
easily turned,
;

head
all

is

very slenderly attached 3

by the neck,

and not

of one piece with the
;

body

as in the locust

the eyes are projecting and horny

the chest

strong, with the legs springing freely
close like a wasp's.
like a breastplate,

from

it

instead of lying

The
its

belly also

is

well fortified, and looks
scales.
its

with

broad bands and

Its

weapons

are not in the tail as with

wasp and bee, but in

mouth and
it

proboscis

;

with the

latter, in

which

it is like

the elephant,

forages, takes hold of things,

and by means of

a sucker at its tip
is

attaches itself firmly to them.

This proboscis
fly

also supplied a

with a projecting tooth, with which the

makes

puncture,

and

so drinks blood.
it

It does drink milk, but also likes blood,
its

which

gets without hurting

prey much.

Of

its six legs,

four only are for walking, and the front pair serves for hands

you may
It does
as a

see it standing

on four

legs

and holding up

a morsel

in these hands,

which

it

consumes in very human fashion.
its

not come into being in
in the

worm

dead body of man or animal

ultimate shape, but starts 4 ; then it gradually

develops legs, puts forth wings and becomes a flying instead of
a

creeping thing, which generates in turn and produces a
to be a
fly.

little

worm, one day
and
is

Living with man, sharing
oil,

his

food

his table, it tastes
it.

everything except his
it

to drink which

death to
life

In any case
it,

soon perishes, having but a short
it lives it
;

span of

allotted to

but while
influence

loves the light,
it rests,

and

is

active only

under

its

at night

neither

flying nor buzzing,
I

but retiring and keeping quiet.
its

am

able to record
its

considerable wisdom,
spider.
It
is

shown

in evading 5

the plots of

enemy the
and

always on the look-out

for his ambushes,

in the

most circumspect way dodges about,

that
Its

it

may not be

caught, netted, and entangled in his meshes.
;

valour and spirit require no mention of mine

Homer,

The

Fly^

an appreciation

26^

mightiest-voiced of poets, seeking a compliment for the greatest
of heroes, likens his spirit not to a lion's, a panther's, a boar's,

but to the courage of the
assault
;

fly,

to

its

unshrinking and persistent

mark,

it

is

not mere audacity, but courage, that he
drive
it off,
is

attributes to leave

it.

Though you
have
its
it

he

says, it will

not

you
fly

;

it will

bite.

He

so earnest an

admirer
;

of the
a

that he alludes to
it is felt

not once nor twice, but constantly

mention of

to be a poetic ornament.

Now

it is its
;

multitudinous descent upon the milk that he celebrates

now

he

is

in

want

of an illustration for

Athene

as she

wards
a

off a spear

from the

vitals of

Menelaus
and

;

so

he makes her
fly

mother caring

for her sleeping child,

in

comes the
'

again.

Moreover
'
;

he gives them that pretty epithet,
'

thick-clust'ring

and

nations

'

is

his dignified

6

The

fly's

force

is

word for shown by the

a

swarm

of them.

fact that its bite pierces not
;

merely the

human

skin,

but that of cattle and horses
its

it

annoys
it

the elephant by getting into the folds of

hide,

and letting
is

know

the efficiency of even a tiny trunk.
affairs,

There

much

ease

and freedom about their love
so expeditiously as

which are not disposed of
;

by the domestic fowl

the act of union
vsdth flight.

is

prolonged, and
will live

is

found quite compatible
for

A

fly

and breathe

some time

after its

head

is

cut

off.

7

The most remarkable point about its natural history is that which I am now to mention. It is the one fact that Plato seems to me to have overlooked in his discourse of the soul and
its

immortality.

If a little ashes

be sprinkled on

a

dead

fly, it

gets up, experiences a second birth, and starts
is

life afresh,

which

recognized

as a

convincing proof that

its

soul

is

immortal,

inasmuch

as after it has

departed

it

returns, recognizes and reto fly
;

animates the body, and enables
tale
left

it

so

is

confirmed the

about Hermotimus of Clazomenae

—how

his soul frequently

him and went

off

on

its

own

account, and afterwards return-

ing occupied the body again and restored the

man

to

life.

!

;

264
It toils not,

The
but

Ffyy

an uippreciatton
by the labours
it.

lives at its ease, profiting

of

8

others,

and finding everywhere
its

a table spread for

For
is

it

the

goats are milked, for
to
its

behoof and man's the honey
;

stored,

palate the che^ adapts his sauces

it tastes

before the king

himself, walks

upon

his table, shares his meal,

and has the use

of

all

that

is

his.
it

Nest, home, local habitation,
it elects
is its

has none

;

like

to lead a wandering
its

life,

and where night
as I said, it
;

the Scythians, 9 finds it, there

hearth and
; *

chamber.
'

But
its

works no deeds
is

of darkness

live

openly

is

motto

its

principle

to
it.

do

no

villany that,

done in the face of day, would dishonour

Legend
a

tells

how Myia
fair,

(the

fly's

ancient name) was once 10
talk

maiden, exceeding

but over-given to

and chatter and

song, Selene's rival for the love of

Endymion.

When

the young

man

slept, she

was for ever waking him with her gossip and
till

tunes and merriment,

he

lost patience,
is.

and Selene in wrath
it is

turned her to what she now
still,

And

therefore
all

that she

in

memory
all

of

Endymion, grudges

sleepers their rest, bite

and most of

the young and tender.

Her very

and blood-

thirst tell not of savagery,

but of love and human kindness
as she

she

is

but enjoying mankind

may, and sipping beauty.
of her name, a poetess 11

In ancient times there was a

woman

wise and beautiful, and another a famous Attic courtesan, of

whom

the comic poet wrote

:

As deep

as to his

heart fair

Myia

bit him.
it

The comic Muse, we
give
it

see,

disdained not the name, nor refused
;

the hospitality of the boards
to their daughters.

and parents took no shame to
of

Tragedy goes further and speaks
as

the

fly in

high terms of praise,

witness the following

:

Foul shame the little fly, with might courageous. Should leap upon men's limbs, athirst for blood. But men-at-arms shrink from the focman's steel

— f
The
I

Fly^
details

an ^appreciation

26

might add many

about Pythagoras's daughter Myia,

were not her story too well known.
12

There
flies,

are also
;

flies

of very large size, called generally soldier-

or dog-flies

these have a hoarse buzz, a very rapid flight,
;

and quite long

lives

they

last

the winter through without food,
;

mostly in sheltered nooks below the roof
fact

the most remarkable

about these
I

is

that they are hermaphrodites.
off
;

But

must break

not that
is

my subject
like

is

exhausted

;

only

that to exhaust such a subject

too

breaking a butterfly on

the wheel.

H.

REMARKS ADDRESSED TO AN
ILLITERATE BOOK-FANCIER
Let me
tell

you, that you are choosing the worst

way

to

attain your object.

You

think that by buying

up

all

the best

books you can lay your hands on, you will pass for a
literary tastes
:

man

of

not

a bit of it

;

you

are merely exposing thereby

your

own

ignorance of literature.
:

Why, you cannot even buy
is

the right things

any casual recommendation
as clay in as

enough to guide

your choice

;

you are
as

the hands of the unscrupulous
to any dealer.

amateur, and
to

good

cash

down

How
it is

are

you

know the
?

difference

between genuine old books that are
is

worth money, and trash whose only merit
pieces

that

falling to

You

are reduced to taking the
;

worms and moths

into

your confidence
of a book
;

their activity

is

your

sole clue to the value
is

as to

the accuracy and fidelity of the copyist, that

quite beyond you.

And

supposing even that you had managed to pick out such

veritable treasures as the exquisite editions of Callinus, or those

of the far-famed Atticus, most conscientious of publishers,

what does

it

profit

you

i

Their beauty means nothing to you,

;

2.6

6
poor friend
;

1^ marks Addressed
you
will get precisely as
as a

to

my
of
a

much enjoyment out

them

blind lover would derive from the possession of

handsome

mistress.

Your

eyes, to

be sure, are open; you do
till

see

your books, goodness knows, see them
;

you must be
a

sick

of the sight
fashion,

you even read
lips still

a bit

here and there, in

scrambling

your

busy with one sentence while your eyes
is

are
tell

on the next.

But what
:

the use of that

?

You cannot
you
one

good from bad

you miss the

writer's general drift,
:

miss his subtle arrangements of words
a

the chaste elegance of

pure

style,

the false ring of the counterfeit,

'tis

all

to you.

Are we
be

to understand that

you

possess literary discernment 3
?

without the assistance of any study
?

And how

should that

perhaps, like Hesiod, you received a laurel-branch from
?

the Muses

As

to that, I

doubt whether you have

so

much
;

as

heard of Helicon, the reputed haunt of those Goddesses
youthful pursuits were not those of a Hesiod
;

your

take not the
scruples
:

Muses' names in vain.

They might not have any
one
as

about appearing to
for

a

hardy, hairy, sunburnt shepherd
a

but

as

coming near such

you (you
I

will excuse

my

par-

ticularizing further just

now, when
?)

appeal to you in the

name

of the

Goddess of Lebanon

they would scorn the thought

instead of laurel, you

would have tamarisk and mallow-leaves

about your back
for
thirsty sheep

;

the waters of

Olmeum and Hippocrene

are

and

stainless
I

shepherds, they must not be

polluted by unclean
of effrontery
:

lips.

grant you a very creditable stock

but you

will scarcely
;

have the assurance to

call

yourself an educated

man

you
is

will scarcely

pretend that your
us

acquaintance with literature

more than skin-deep, or give
?

the names of your teacher and your fellow students

No
again

;

you think you are going to work

off all arrears

by the 4
his

simple expedient of buying a
:

number

of books.

But there

you may get together the works of Demosthenes, and

an
handwriting, and

Illiterate Book-Fancier
all

^67
own

eight beautiful copies of Thucydides,
all

in the orator's

the manuscripts that Sulla sent away from
will be

Athens to

Italy,

—and you

no nearer to culture

at the

end of

it,

though you should

sleep with

them under your
as a

pillow,
is

or paste
still

them together and wear them
you have always
it is all

garment

;

an ape

an ape, says the proverb, though

his

trappings be of gold.
in

So

it is

with you
;

:

a

book

your hand, you are
;

always reading

but what

about, you have not an idea

you do but prick up asinine

ears at the lyre's sound.
if

Books

would be precious things indeed,
your
if

the mere possession of

them

guaranteed culture to their owner.
it all

You

rich

men would have
and
as for

own way then

;

we paupers

could not stand against
;

you,

learning were a marketable

commodity

the

dealers,

no one would presume to contest the point of culture
shopfuls of books at their disposal.

with

men who have whole
will find
less

However, you
your

on examination that these privileged
ignorant than yourself.
as

persons are scarcely
just

They have

vile accent,

and are
to be

deficient in intelligence as

one would expect

men

who have
you
:

never learnt to distin-

guish good from bad.
a
5

Now

see,

you have merely bought

few odd volumes from them

they are at the fountain-head,

and are handling books day and night.

Judge from
;

this

how
you

much good your
from the bare
scripts.

purchases are likely to do you

unless

think that your very book-cases acquire a tincture of learning,
fact of their housing so

many

ancient

manu-

Oblige

me by

answering some questions

;

or rather, as cir-

cumstances will not admit of your answering, just nod or shake

your head.

If the flute of

Timotheus, or that of Ismenias,

which

its

owner

sold in Corinth for a couple of thousand pounds,

were to

fall

into the hands of a person

who

did not

know how
.'

to play the instrument,

would that make him

a flute-player
it

would

his acquisition leave

him any

wiser than

found him

i

;

258
You

J{emarks Addressed
very properly shake your head.
a

to

A man

might
still

possess the

instrument of

Marsyas or an Olympus, and
it if

he would not
case
is
:

be able to play
a

he had never learnt.

Take another
arrows
:

man

gets hold of Heracles's
;

bow and

but he

no
his
?

Philoctetes
eye.

he has neither that marksman's strength nor
say
?

What do you

will

he acquit himself creditably
will

Again you shake your head.
the ignorant pilot

The same

be the case with

who

is

entrusted with a ship, or with the

unpractised rider on horseback.

Nothing
yet

is

wanting to the
a

beauty and efficiency of the

vessel,

and the horse may be
^ :

Median

or a Thessalian or a

Koppa

I

take

it

that the

incompetence of their respective owners

will

be made clear

am

I

right

?

And now
if
is

let

me

ask

your assent to one more
buy-

proposition

:

an

illiterate

person

like yourself goes in for

ing books, he
hesitate
?

thereby laying himself open to ridicule.
clearer
:

You
could

Yet surely nothing could be

who

observe such a

man

at work,
?

and abstain from the inevitable

allusion to pearls

and swine

There was

a

wealthy

man

in Asia, not

many
;

years ago,

who 6

was so unfortunate

as to lose

both

his feet

I

think he had been

travelling through snow-drifts,

and had got them frost-bitten.
;

Well, of course,
of

it

was a very hard case
of

and

in ordering a pair

wooden

feet,

by means

which he contrived to get along

with the assistance of servants, he was no doubt only making
the best of a bad job.

But the absurd thing was, that he would

always make a point of having the smartest and newest of shoes
to set off his stumps

feet, I

mean.

Now

are

you any wiser

than he, when for the adornment of that hobbling, wooden
understanding of yours you go to the expense of such golden
shoes as

would

tax the agility of a sound-limbed intellect

?

Among
*

your other purchases are several copies of Homer. 7
is

The

brand of the obsolete letter Koppa

supposed to hare denoted the

Corinthian breed.

an

Illiterate

Book-Fancier

±6^

Get some one to turn up the second book of the Iliad, and read to you. There is only one part you need trouble about the
;

rest does

not apply to your case.

I

refer to the

harangue of

a certain ludicrous,

maimed, distorted creature
such
as

called Thersitcs.

Now

imagine

this Thersites,

he

is

there depicted, to

have clothed himself in the armour of Achilles.
the result
?

What

will

be

Will he be converted there and then into a stal-

wart, comely warrior, clearing the river at a bound, and staining
its

waters with Phrygian blood

?

Will he prove a slayer of

Asteropaeuses and Lycaons, and finally of Hectors, he

who
?

cannot so

much

as

bear Achilles's spear upon his shoulders
will

Of

course not.

He
;

simply be ridiculous
to stagger,

:

the weight of

the shield will cause

him

and
as

will presently

bring

him on
will

to his nose

beneath the helmet,
;

often as he looks up,

be seen that squint
his progress,

the Achillean greaves will be a sad
rise
;

drag to

and the

and

fall

of the breast-plate will

tell a tale

of a

humped-back

in short, neither the

armourer nor

the owner of the arms will have
like Thersites, if

much
it.

to boast of.

You

are just

only you could see

When you

take in

hand

your

fine

volume, purple-cased, gilt-bossed, and begin reading
its
:

with that accent of yours, maiming and murdering

contents,,

you make yourself ridiculous to
toadies
as

all

educated

men
a

your own

commend

you, but they generally get in

chuckle too,

they catch one another's eye.

8

Let

me

tell

you

a story of

what happened once
a

at Delphi,

A

native of

Tarentum, Evangelus by name,
city,

person of some
a

note in his
in the

own

conceived the ambition of winning

prize

Pythian Games.

Well, he saw at once that the athletic
;

contests were quite out of the question

he had neither the

strength nor the agility required.

A
;

musical victory, on the
so at least

other hand, would be an easy matter

he was per-

suaded by

his vile parasites,

who

used to burst into a roar of
the strings of his lyre.

applause the

moment he touched

He

2 70

I{emarks Addressed to
:

arrived at Delphi in great style

among other
emerald

things,

he had

provided himself with gold-bespangled garments, and a beautiful

golden laurel-wreath, with
lyre,

full-size

berries.

As

for his

that was a most gorgeous and costly affair
all

solid gold

throughout, and ornamented with
figures of

kinds of gems, and with
a

Apollo and Orpheus and the Muses,

wonder

to

all

beholders.

The

eventful day at length arrived.

three competitors, of

whom

There were 9 Evangelus was to come second.
first,

Thespis the Theban performed
creditably
;

and acquitted himself
in gold

and then Evangelus appeared, resplendent

and emeralds, beryls and
by
his

jacinths, the effect being heightened

purple robe, which
all

made

a

background to the gold

;

the

house was

excitement and wondering anticipation.

As sing-

ing and playing were an essential part of the competition,

Evangelus

now

struck

up with

a

few meaningless, disconnected

notes, assaulting his lyre with such needless violence that

he

broke three strings at the start

;

and when he began to sing
his pre-

with

his

discordant pipe of a voice the whole audience was

convulsed with laughter, and the stewards, enraged at

sumption, scourged him out of the theatre.
gelus

Our golden Evanas

now

presented a very queer spectacle,

the floggers drove

him

across the stage,

weeping and bloody-limbed, and stooping
fallen

to pick

up the gems that had
its

from the

lyre

;

for that

instrument had come in for

share of the castigation.

His 10

place was presently taken by one

Eumelus

of

Elis

:

his lyre

was an old one, with wooden pegs, and

his clothes

and crown

would

scarcely have fetched ten shillings

between them.

But

for all that his

well-managed voice and admirable execution
;

caused him to be proclaimed the victor

and he was very merry

over the unavailing splendours of his rival's gem-studded in-

strument.
*

*

Evangelus,' he

is

reported to have said to him,
it
:

yours

is

the golden laurel

you can afford

and must put up with the Delphian wreath.

I am a pauper, No one will be

an
made you an

Illiterate Book-Fancier
;

271

sorry for your defeat

your arrogance and incompetence have
;

object of detestation

that

is

all

your equipment
obvious
;

has done for you.'
gelus differing
11
I

Here again the application

is

Evan-

from you only

in his sensibility to public ridicule.
is

have

also
is

an old Lesbian story which

very

much

to the

point.

It

said that after

Orpheus had been torn to pieces by
his lyre
it

the Thracian

women,

his
;

head and
the head,

were carried down

the Hebrus into the sea

seems, floated
it

down upon

the lyre, singing Orpheus's dirge as

went, while the winds
In
this

blew an accompaniment upon the
reached the coast of Lesbos
buried on the
site of
;

strings.

manner they

the head was then taken up and

the present temple of Bacchus, and the lyre

12 was long preserved as a relic in the temple of Apollo.

Later

on, however, Neanthus, son of the tyrant Pittacus, hearing

how
after

the lyre had charmed beasts and trees and stones, and

how

Orpheus's destruction

it

had played

of

its

own

accord, con-

ceived a violent fancy for the instrument, and by means of a
considerable bribe prevailed

upon the

priest to give

him the

genuine

lyre,

and replace
it

it

with one of similar appearance.

Not
in

thinking

advisable to display his acquisition in the city
till

broad daylight, he waited
his cloak,

night,

and then, putting
;

it

under
youth,

walked
not
a

off into

the outskirts

and there

this

who had

note of music in him, produced his instrings,

strument and began jangling on the
divine strains to issue therefrom as

expecting such
all souls,

would subdue

and

prove him the fortunate heir to Orpheus's power.
till

He went on

a

number
;

of dogs collected at the
far, at least, his fate

sound and tore him limb

from limb

thus

resembled that of Orpheus,

though
It

his

power

of attraction extended only to hostile dogs.
lyre,

was abundantly proved that the charm lay not in the
gifts of

but solely in those peculiar

song and music that had

been bestowed upon Orpheus by
was just
like

his

mother

;

as to

the lyre,

it

other lyres.

2

72
But there
:

l^marks Addressed
what need
to go back to

to
?

Orpheus and Neanthus
I

i?

We

have instances in our

own

days

:

believe the

man

is still

alive

who
I

paid ^^120 for the earthenware lamp of Epictetus the

Stoic.

suppose he thought he had only to read by the light

of that lamp,

and the wisdom of Epictetus would be communiin his dreams,

cated to

him

and he himself assume the
it

likeness
14.

of that venerable sage.

And
'

was only

a

day or two ago that
staff

another

enthusiast

paid

by the Cynic Proteus
treasures this relic,

down ^(^250 for the when he leaped upon
it off
",

dropped

the pyre.

He

and shows

just as the people of

Tegea

do the hide

of the

Calydonian boar

or the
hair.

Thebans the bones

of Geryon, or the

Memphians

Isis'

Now

the original

owner of
garity
friend,

this precious staff

was one

who

for ignorance

and vul-

would have borne away the palm from
you are
in a

yourself.

—My
what
15

bad way

:

a stick across the

head

is

you want.

They say thatwhenDionysius took to tragedy-writing he made
such sad stuff of
it

that Philoxenus was

more than once thrown
ridiculous, Dionysius

into the quarries because he could not control his laughter.

Finding that

his efforts

only

made him

was

at

some pains

to procure the tablets write.
as it

on which Aeschylus

had been wont to tion from them
:

He

looked to draw divine inspira-

turned out, however, he

now wrote
the contents

considerably worse rubbish than before.
of the tablets I

Among

may quote

:

'Twas Dionysius'

wife, Doridion.

Here

is

another

:

Most
Genuine

serviceable

woman

!

thou art gone
:

!

tablet that,

and the next

Men
Taken with
*

that are fools are their

own
*

folly's butt.

reference to yourself, by the way, nothing could
See Oetieus ia Notes.

See Peresrine in Notes.

a ft Illiterate Book-Fancier
be more to the point than
deserved gilding,
if

273

this last line

;

Dionysius's tablets

only for that.

16

What
scrolls
?

is

your

idea,

now,

in all this rolling

and unrolling

of

To what end
and

the gluing

and the trimming, the and the bosses
;

cedar-oil

saffron, the leather cases

?

Much
:

good your purchases have been to you
why, your language
a fish

one sees that already

—no,
;

I

am wrong
is

there,

you are

as

dumb

as

— but your

life,

your unmentionable
if

vices,

make every one
one cannot keep
a

hate the sight of you
17 too clear of them.

that

what books
two ways

do,

There

are

in

which
:

man may

derive benefit from the study of the ancients
express himself, or he

he may learn to

and warning
of these

may improve his morals by their example when it is clear that he has not profited in either respects, what are his books but a habitation for mice
;

and vermin, and
18

a

source of castigation to negligent servants

?

And how
with
a

very foolish you must look

when any one

finds

you

book in your hand (and you are never to be seen without)

and

asks

you who

is

your orator, your poet, or your historian
of course,

:

you have seen the
pat
:

title,

and can answer that question

but then one word brings up another, and some criticism,
is

favourable or the reverse,

passed

upon the contents
;

of your

volume

:

you are

dumb and
;

helpless

you pray

for the earth

to open and swallow you

you stand

like

Bellerophon with the

warrant for your
i^

own

execution in your hand.
illiterate

Once

in

Corinth Demetrius the Cynic found some
a

person reading aloud from
of Euripides,
I

very handsome volume, the Bacchae

think

it

was.

He had

got to the place where the

messenger

is

relating the destruction of Pentheus

by Agave,
tore
it

when Demetrius snatched
two
' :

the book from
'

him and

in

Better,'

he exclaimed,

that Pentheus should suffer one
at yours.'
I

rending at
I

my

hands than many

have often wondered, though

have never been able to

satisfy myself,
LUCIAN
III

what

it is

that makes you such an ardent buyer of

1

;

2 74
books.

J{emarks Addressed to
The
idea of your

making any profitable use of them
slightest
:

is

one that nobody who has the

acquaintance with you

would entertain

for a

moment

does the bald
?

man buy
?

a

comb,

the blind a mirror, the deaf a flute-player

the eunuch a con-

cubine, the landsman an oar, the pilot a plough

Are you
?

merely seizing an opportunity of displaying your wealth
it

Is

just

your way of showing the public that you can afford to
?

spend money even on things that are of no use to you
even a Syrian
like

Why,

myself knows. that

if

you had not got your

name

foisted into that old man's will,

you would have been

starving
to sale.

by

this time,

and

all

your books must have been put up

Only one

possible explanation remains

:

your toadies have 20

made you

believe that in addition to your charms of person
gift for rhetoric, history,

you
;

have an extraordinary

and philosophy
flatteries.
;

and you buy books merely to countenance their

It

seems that you actually hold forth to them at table

and they,

poor thirsty

frogs,
is
:

burst, or there
gullible person

must croak dry-throated applause till they no drink for them. You are a most curiously
in every

you take
at

word they
had had
a

say to you.

You

were made to believe

one time that your features resembled

those of a certain Emperor.

We

pseudo-Alexander,
wr.s a

and
as

a pseudo-Philip,

the

fuller,

and there
:

pseudo-Nero
for

recently as our

own

grandfathers' times

you were
all, it

adding

one more to the noble army of pseudos.
for

After
a

was nothing 21

an illiterate fool

like

you to take such
air,
:

fancy into his head, and

walk about with his chin in the
expression of his supposed

aping the gait and dress and

model

even the Epirot king Pyrrhus,

remarkable
foible,

man

that he was in other respects,
his

had the same

and was persuaded by

flatterers
is.

that he was like

Alexander, Alexander the Great, that
I

In poinL of
a

fact,

have seen Pyrrhus's portrait, and the two

— to borrow
as bass

musical

phrase

— are about

as

much

like

one another

and treble

;

an
ever,

Illiterate Book-Fancier

17 S
How-

and yet he was convinced he was the image of Alexander.
if

that were

all, it

would be rather too bad
:

of

me

to insult

Pyrrhus by the comparison
it suits

but

your case so exactly.

I am justified by the sequel When once Pyrrhus had got this

fancy into his head, every one else ran
last

mad

for

company,

till

at

an old

woman

of Larissa,

who

did not

know Pyrrhus,

told

him the

plain truth, and cured his delusion.

After showing

her portraits of Philip, Perdiccas, Alexander, Casander, and
other kings, Pyrrhus finally asked her which of these he re-

sembled, taking

it as

a

matter of course that she would

fix

upon

Alexander

:

however, she considered for some time, and at

length informed

him

that he was most like Batrachion the cook,

there being a cook of that

name

in Larissa

who

zvas

very

like

22 Pyrrhus.
I

What

particular theatrical pander yo^i most resemble
:

will not pretend to decide

all I

can state with certainty

is

that to this day you pass for a raving
of this fancy.

madman on

the strength

After such an instance of your critical discern-

ment,

we need

not be surprised to find that your flatterers

have inspired you with the further ambition of being taken for
a scholar.

But
clear
it

I

am

talking nonsense.
;

The

cause of your bibliomania
I

is

enough

I

must have been dozing, or
is

should have seen
:

long ago.

This

your idea of strategy

you know the
and you

Emperor's scholarly
think
it will

tastes,

and

his respect for culture,
if

be worth something to you

he hears of yonr

literary pursuits.
as a

Once
made.

let

your name be mentioned to him

great buyer and collector of books, and you reckon that
is

23 your fortune

Vile

creature

!

and

is

the Emperor
this

drugged with mandragora that he should hear of

and never

know the
has
24.

rest,

your daylight
\

iniquities,

your tipplings, your
not that an Emperor
as

monstrous nightly debauches

Know you
?

many

eyes

and many

ears

Yet your deeds are such
I

cannot be concealed from the blind or the deaf.

may

tell

you

T 2


276
at once, as

J^e/narks Addressed to
you seem not to know
it,

that a man's hopes of the

Imperial favour depend not on his book-bills, but on his character

and

daily

life.

Are you counting upon Atticus and
a

Callinus, the

copyists, to

put in

good word

for

you

?

Then you

are de-

ceived

:

those relentless gentlemen propose, with the Gods' good

leave, to grind

you down and reduce you to utter destitution.
is

Come
to

to your senses while there
scholar,

yet time

:

sell
it

your library

some

and whilst you are about
off part of

sell

your new

house too, and wipe

your debt to the slave-dealers.
at

You

see,

you
:

will ride

both these hobbies

once

;

there

is

25

the trouble

besides your expensive books
;

you must have your

superannuated minions

you are

insatiable in these pursuits,

and you cannot follow both without money.

Now

observe
to dis-

how

precious a thing

is

counsel.

I

recommend you

pense with the superfluous, and confine your attention to your
other foible
dealers, or
;

in other words, keep
will

your money

for the slavewill

your private supplies

run short, and you

be

reduced to calling in the services of freemen,
every penny you possess
;

who

will

want

otherwise there

is

nothing to prevent
are in liquor.

them from

telling

how your
I

time

is

spent

when you
stories

Only the other day
are

heard some very ugly
:

about you

backed, too, by ocular evidence

the bystanders on that occasion
;

my

witnesses

how angry

I

was on your account
a thrashing
;

I

was in

two minds about giving the fellow
ing part of
it

and the annoy-

was that he appealed to more than one witness
the same experience and told just the same
talc.

who had had
Let
this

be a warning to you to economize, so that you

may be
do not
quite
is

able to have your enjoyments at

home

in

all

security.
:

I

suggest that you should give
hopeless
;

up these

practices

that

the dog that has gnawed leather once will gnaw

leather always.

On

the other hand, you can easily do without books.
is

Your 26

education

complete; you have nothing more to learn; you

an
have the ancients
history
is

Illiterate
as
it

Book-Fancier
tip of

277
;

were on the
;

your tongue

all

known to you you are a master of the choice and management of words, you have got the true Attic vocabulary the multitude of your books has made a ripe scholar of you. (You love flattery, and there is no reason why I should not
;

indulge you as well as another.)

27

But
books

I

am
?

rather curious on one point
so

:

what

are your favourite
?

among

many

?

Plato

?

Antisthenes

Archilochus

?

Hipponax

Or

are they passed over in favour of the orators

? ?

Do

you ever read the speech of Aeschines against Timarchus

All that sort of thing I suppose

you have by

heart.
?

And have
ever

you grappled with Aristophanes and Eupolis
go through the Baftae
'

Did you

?

Well then, you must surely have
.''

come on some embarrassing home-truths in that play difficult to imagine that mind of yours bent upon
studies,

It

is

literary

and those hands turning over the pages.
.'

When
night
?

do you
If

do your reading
done
it

In
it

the

daytime,
is

or

at
:

the

former, you must do
is

when no one

looking

and

if

the latter,

it

in the midst of

more engrossing

pursuits, or
?

do you

work

in before your rhetorical outpourings

As you rever;

28 encc Cotytto, venture not again into the paths of literature

have done with books, and keep to your
If

own

peculiar business.

you had any sense of shame, to be
too
:

sure,

you would abandon

that
sex
:

think of Phaedra's

indignant protest against her

Darkness is their accomplice, vet they fear not, Fear not the chamber-walls, their confidants.

But no

:

you

are

determined not to be cured.
safely up,

Very well

:

buy book upon book, shut them
that comes of possession
:

and reap the glory

only, let that be

enough

;

presume

not to touch nor read

;

pollute not with that tongue the poetry
See Cotytio
in

'

Notes.

278
you

To an
?

Illiterate Book-Fancier
;

and eloquence of the ancients
to

what harm have they ever done

All this advice

is

thrown away,
?

I

know

that.

Shall an Ethio-

pian change his skin

You

will

go on buying books that you

cannot use
profit not

—to

the amusement of educated men,
of a book, nor

who

derive

from the price

from

its
its

handsome
contents.

appearance, but from the sense and sound of

You

think by the multitude of books to supply the deficiencies 29

of your education,

and to throw dust in our

eyes.

Did you but

know

it,

you

are exactly like the quack doctors,

who

provide

themselves with silver cupping-glasses, gold-handled lancets,

and ivory
of using

cases for their instruments

;

they are quite incapable
to give place to

them when the time comes, and have
qualified surgeon,
a rusty handle,

some properly
a

who

produces a lancet with

keen edge and

and

aflPords
:

immediate

relief

to

the sufferer.
barbers
:

Or

here

is

a better parallel

take the case of the

you

will find that the skilled practitioners

have just
:

the razor,

scissors,

and mirror that their work requires

the

impostors' razors are numerous, and their mirrors magnificent.

However, that does not serve to conceal
and the
arranges
are
result
is

their incompetence,

most amusing

:

the average

man

gets his hair

cut by one of their more capable neighbours, and then goes and
it

before their glasses.

That
;

is

just

what your books ^o

good

for

— to lend
;

to other people

you

are quite incapable

of using
a single

them

yourself.

Not

that you ever have lent any one

volume

true to your dog-in-the-manger principles,
yourself, nor give the horse a chance.

you neither eat the corn

There you have
conduct in general.

my

candid opinion about your books

:

I

shall find other opportunities of dealing with your disreputable

F.

3

ALPHABETICAL CONTENTS
(Roman
numerals indicate the volume, and Arabic the page.)

The lJl^er lists are In this table all the titles are given in the Engiisl; hst. added lor those to whom the Greek or Latin names are familiar; but they do not contain the titles that are practically identical with the English ones.

ENGLISH TITLES
Alexander
Anacharsis
il

212
j

Fisher
I

i

206
in

1

Phalaris

ii

201
iii

iii

190

Fly

iii

261

Portrait-study

1

27 Book-fancier iii 265 Charon i 167 Cock iii IC5
ii

Apology

Gods

Council Prometheus
Purist iv 181

i

53

iv 165 Hall iv 12

Rhetorician

iii

218

Harmonides
I

Cynic iv 172 Defence iii 24

Heracles

iii

99 256
ii

ii

Hermotimus

41

Demonax

iii

I

Demosthenes iv 145 Dependent Scholar
ii

I

Dialogues

of

the the

Dead
Gods

i

107
of

Dialogues
i

Herodotus ii 90 Hesiod iv 30 Icaromenippus 126 Lapithae iv 127 Lexiphanes ii 263 Liar iii 230
Literary
i

iii

95 Sacrifice i 183 Sale of Creeds i 190 Saturnalia iv 108 Scythian ii 102 Ship iv 33 Slander iv I
[

Runaways

iv

!

Slip of

Tongue
iii
i

ii

34

Swans

259
31

Timon

Prome- Toxaris iii 36 Dialogues of the theus True History ii 136 7 Hetaerae iv 52 Lower World i 230 Tyrannicide ii 173 of Dialogues the Menippus i 156 Vision i I Sea-Gods i 90 Mourning iii 212 Vowels i 26
62
1

j

j

Dionysus

iii

252
ii

Nigrinus
Parasite

in
iii

Way
j

to write

ii

109

Dipsas iv 26 Disinherited
iii

Pantomime
183

238 167
ii

Zeus cross-examined
iii

|

71

Double Indictment Patriotism
144

iv 23

I

Peregrine iv 79

ZeusTragoedusiii 80 Zeuxis ii 94

LATIN TITLES NOT READILY TO BE FOUND IN THE ENGLISH LIST
Abdicatus ii 1C3 rnere credendum Adversus indoctum iv I iii 265 Cataplus 230
i

De De

luctu

iii

mercede
ii

212 con-

ductis

I

Bis accusntus

iii

144
tc-

Calumniac non

De domo iv 12 De electro iii 239

Deorum
iv

concilium

165

28o
De De
sacrificiis
i

Alphabetical Contents

lupiter tragoedus Pseudosophista 183 iv iii 80 181 238 Dialogi deorum i 62 Muscae encomium Quomodo historia Dialog! marini i 90 iii 261 conscribenda sit Dialogi meretricii Navigium iv 33 ii 109 iv 52 Patriae encomium Rhetorum praecepDialogi mortuorum iv 23 tor iii 218 i 107 Philopseudes iii 230 Somnium (Gallus)
saltatione
ii

Fugitivi iv 95 Imagines iii 13

ludicium 26
i

iii 105 i 206 Pro imaginibus iii 24 Somnium (Vita Luvocalium Pro lapsu inter saluciani) i i

Piscator

tandum
confutatus
verbis
i

ii

34
es

Symposium
in

iv

127
i

lupiter
iii

Prometheus
7

71

Vera historia ii 136 Vitarum auctio 190

GREEK TITLES NOT READILY TO BE FOUND IN THE ENGLISH L 1ST
'

\\r]6r]i tcrropia
i

ii

1

36

1

Mut'ay (yKa>ixiovin

261
107

TIpos
Ka\

TOP

d7ral8fvrov
I3ij3\ia

'.\\ifvs
'

206
11

NfKpiKoi tidXoyat
"Oj/etpof
iii

i

TToXXct

AnoKrjfjvTTOfjLevos

,183
Bi(j>v

105 rinTpidos iyKM^iov iv

265 Upoi TOV flnovra Upotl>i'ovfi(vov iii

_
1

npacTis

190
i

fiTjSfVS (i iv

Xoyoiy

AIkI] <f)<l>VT]€PTCOV

26
lii

Ylfp'i

A(? Karriyopovfifvoi

Ilfp\

144
ApanfTdi iv 95 Eik6p€s iii 13
'EvaXioi StfiXoyoi
1

lltp\

183 6p\j](T(a)S il 238 TTfvdovs iii 212
i
1

6v(Ttwv

7

na)f SfT l<TTopiav avyypdcjidv
'

_

ii

109

Ilfpi ToO (vvnviov

I
lii

PrjTopav
iii

8i8ticrK(i\os

n*pi rov ijXeKTpov

218
1

90

259
IJf/>i

^vfinoaiov iv
fir]

27
IV

'EraipKoi 8tu\oyoi iv

tov

pa8i(os
8ta/3oX»7

IVj

npos

Kpovov

52
Zfiis

iriartxifiv

108
TvpavvoKTOvos
ii

f\eyx6fX€vos

iii

iv

I

173
iii

rifpl TOV OIKOV IV 12

'Ynfp

Ta)v

(iKovoiv

Gfwi' du'iXoyoi

i

62
1

Ilfpi

Toyv

(tt\
11

iJ.i(r6a
I

H
<t>i\o\f/(v8i]s iii

©fwv

(KKXrjo-ia iv
i

65

(TvvovTOiv

230
iSi

Karu/rXour

23O

nXolov iv 33

'^fvdo<TO(f)itTTJji iv

SET IN GRF.AT BRITAIN AT THE UNIVERSITY PRKsS, OXFORD REPRINTKD FROM PLAIES BY THE

PIIMAW

PRF.SS,

BATH

CENTRAL UNIVERSITY
University of California

AA 000

883 018

4

DATE DUE

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