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Sophie Sweatman

Shop To Theatre submission Welcome To Land

Brewers Yard

Ext. Brewers’ Yard. A pirate, WILL, stands in middle of yard looking nervous with a pirate’s knife in his hand. He checks the time regularly. WILL (excited, to people in yard) Are you my welcome home party? WILL (responding to a blank reaction) I’ve just got back from working in Her Majesty’s service in the Caribbean and came for my reward of lands, riches and a good woman to settle down with. Is that you, good ma’am? (to a woman in audience). Will approaches woman in audience and kisses her hand. WILL (continued). Maybe the dignitaries got held up in traffic. Coming all the way from London, the court of Queen Elizabeth to honour me. WILL (continued) Approaches antique shop window and points at something. Hey, that was once mine. I’ll ask for it back later Will looks at his watch. An official looking man, BOB, enters courtyard BOB William Kydd? WILL Aye aye Sir. (Salutes) BOB Thank you for waiting. Sorry I got held up. Really, these highwaymen. Something should be done about them. (clears throat) I’ve just come from the Queen’s presence with this scroll. WILL
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Sophie Sweatman

Shop To Theatre submission

Brewers Yard

My pleasure, Sir. Apologise to these people too. They are waiting, as I am, for my welcome home party to begin. Where are my presents? BOB (looks around the crowd) No presents, Sir. This scroll contains the Queen’s wishes. Where did you get these people from?

WILL They’ve came to welcome me back from my long and perilous adventures. As there are no decorations up here, it confused them as much as it did me. BOB I think Her Majesty may have promised you were to be decorated, not the Yard. WILL OK. Well, let’s get on with it then. Shall I go on one knee? Will kneels in front of Bob and puffs out his chest. BOB Stand up, man. You’re showing me up in front of people. I will open the scroll her Majesty gave me. WILL But you are going to decorate me? A knighthood? An Earldom? The Order of the Garter? BOB A garter, perhaps. Just before I left, the Queen said: ‘I’ll have his guts for garters.’ Curious woman. Bob looks non-comprehending about this. WILL Nay. You know what she’s like? She sent a note to praise my crew of brave men. We fought, cut-throat to cut-throat, the French, Dutch and the Spanish. We defended her territories in
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Sophie Sweatman

Shop To Theatre submission

Brewers Yard

the West Indies. But I forgot to bring her back any rum. or Aloe Vera? He shrugs at the unfamiliar Aloe Vera looking at audience for help. BOB You didn’t forget to bring yourself back, Will, did you? That will commend you highly, I feel sure of it. WILL Quite, well where’s my rum punch?

BOB Not this time of year, sorry. How about a nice warm Cornish Ale?

WILL Absolutely. You get sick of the same stuff all the time anyway. Bring it on. BOB Good, so what quay are you at? Where’s she moored? WILL She’s at Greenbank. Inspect her if you like. I’m no smuggler. BOB Good. Any contraband would be confiscated, of course. And given to good causes. WILL Lucky we used it all up on the ship, then. Typical English sourpusses. No wonder this party is so lame. BOB Bob clears throat and opens the scroll ceremoniously. He gives a little jump, startled at the contents. He looks fearfully at Will’s pirate-knife.

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Sophie Sweatman

Shop To Theatre submission

Brewers Yard

William Kydd, I am arresting you for the crime of piracy on the high seas, interacting with foreign nations in the course of man-to-man battle with a conspicuously English accent, therefore exposing us to ridicule. What you say from now on will be taken in evidence and might be used in court against you. If we grant you a trial, that is. WILL You what? BOB Bob takes out notepad and writes Using offensive language against an officer. Called me a ‘what’. WILL Now steady on. There’s been a huge misunderstanding here.

BOB I don’t think so. If you didn’t think there was a welcome home party, title, lands and good lady to marry, you’d never have come back, would you now? WILL What kind of mug do you take me for? BOB Just the type who’d fall for that old trick. Now come on. Bob takes Will by upper arm and leads him out of yard.

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