This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
. If you may POTENTIALLY take offense to any material of such a nature, PLEASE read NO further. This paper is not intended to be a work of great literature; it is intended for a specific target audience of the cadets at CMA.
Good Morning Keelhaulers!
The Barnacle is CMA’s very own pirate newspaper! It’s less politically correct than our big sister the Binnacle and hopefully shit-tons more fun, to cite the international Merchant Marine standard of measure. This paper is published anonymously to protect the innocent and guilty alike. Well, mostly the innocent. Class of 2015: WELCOME!! The editors hope you find great success and even greater friends here in our own ‘lil world. If you freshmen (or non-freshmen!) wish to create your own Barnacle article, picture, comic, poster or wish to make a comment, good or bad, email us at firstname.lastname@example.org .
The Corps? Rotten? Could It Be? The following article was written and published without the influence or knowledge of Cadet Sweeney or others who directly witnessed the incident referenced herein. It is with upmost appreciation that this paper has the opportunity to honor a cadet who, without concern for his disciplinary standing and possible future at this school, has shed light upon the shortcomings of our Commandant. Cadet Kevin Sweeney, our hats are off to you. It is not often, if ever, that you see a cadet bring up such topics so openly and directly. The fact of the matter is the story that cadet Sweeney, as told in The Binnacle, has published is all but too true. It is not the first time the aforementioned XO has slandered the innocent, and it is with great regret that our leadership finds it acceptable to let a civil rights issue like this slide by and at the same time spend ten minutes telling cadets what horrible human beings they are for not wearing a cover. [Continued on page 4]
Inside This Barnacle You Might Find
Page 1: Good Morning Keelhaulers Captain Badass/Baloney The Rotten Corps Restaurant Review MPM Perspective Mad-Lib CommanDon’ts Corner New Commandant Cite the Author Credits The Bilge
Captain Badass or Captain Baloney?
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At a recent junior/ senior MT meeting, Captain Bolton sure gave us an earful. But was it an earful of sweet sugar or nasty cod liver oil? The Barnacle investigates. According to Captain Bolton, soon we will probably have a special ship cleaning detail four days a week to clean ship. On the one hand, that’s definitely going to be an extra burden on cadets, the majority of whom are taking 1.5 times the credits of a normal university student. But unlike last year, we’re at least getting a tiny bit of advanced warning. Also, for those of you lucky enough not to have been on the Golden Bear after 8 months at the pier, it gets pretty filthy. A hundred sorry freshmen crammed into tiny compartments like so many human chickens? Yuck. The details are sparse, but here they are so far. The cleaning crew (CC) detail will last from 1800-2100, and be every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. It will consist of about six 4/C, four 3/C, two 2/C, and a 1/C. The captain may be looking into getting us sea time for that detail. [Continued on page 3]
Ever Wondered What It Would Be Like to Get Engaged? Find Out Here
SILLY NAME: SILLY WORD: VERB: NOUN: BODY PART (PLURAL): FEMALE NAME: VERB ENDING IN "ED": NOUN: Dear Mr. and Mrs. [ Will you let me [ [ [ ] as a/an [ respect. Sincerely, [ ][ ] your [ ], I have [ ] of my [ ] that pays $[ NOUN (PLURAL): VERB: NOUN: OCCUPATION: NUMBER: VERB: SILLY WORD: SILLY NAME: ], Hope your ship has a better name than this!
]? Ever since I have laid [ ] on ] madly in love with her. I wish that she will be the ] and that someday we will [ ] happily ever after. I have a [ ] each month. I promise to [ ] with kindness and
] An MPM Perspective at CMA This is to the engineers and deckies who are… oh why sugar coat it. The engineers and deckies who are annoyed with the presence of global and business students. You may not like us because we don’t seem to be involved with the maritime industry as much as you think, or because you think this school should go back to being what it was once before: an institution filled with only the engineering and marine transportation majors. GET OVER IT!! We are here, and we are here to stay. If it weren’t for the state stepping in and providing what funding this school gets on the condition the GSMA and IBL majors be put in, this school would not be open to you and instead you’d have to put up with the folks at KING’S POINT MERCHANT MARINE ACADEMY (who are from what I’ve heard nothing but a bunch of assholes). Also, we are the people who defend and make the policies that provide you your jobs. If it weren’t for the JONES ACT, there would be no U.S. MERCHANT MARINE. We make sure that stays in place for you. The business people are also the ones who write and sign your paychecks and balance your ship’s checkbooks. So while you may one day become captains or chief mates of ships later on in the future, the fact of the matter is we will be there making sure this industry is still kept as one of the backbones to the U.S. Ultimately, who would you prefer make the policies and give you your checks? Some Ivy League graduate who later becomes your future politician or banker without a clue or care as to how the merchant marine world works? Wouldn’t it be a better feeling to know graduates from the same maritime academy as you, who have seen at least a little of the industry, were in those positions of power? So let us do our job so you can do yours. 2
The Restaurant Review This month’s reviews will be an overview of some favorites close to CMA. Gracie’s BBQ Gracie’s is located conveniently close, right off Sonoma Boulevard and Virginia Street across the street from the equally famous Victory’s Army Navy store. The friendly staff and good ‘ol bbq will certainly fill the old ballast tank for a fair price. Top pick goes to the Family Style Sampler Platter, complete with ribs, chicken, hot links and a plate of sides including green beans, potato salad, cole slaw, macaroni salad, and corn bread. For $35 and the ability to feed four hungry sailors (four normal people will have leftovers) it sure is a hefty meal. The go-to drink is the swamp juice: half sweet tea, half lemonade served in a mason jar for $2.50. It sure helps the meat fest (pun intended) go down! [Continued Page 3]
A Thought from a Captain After a long summer cruise and a near mutiny experience aboard the Golden Bear, the president sent the captain to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said, “How about you start from the beginning.” The captain replied, “Well okay it started off in the beginning when I created heaven and earth…”
Captain Badass or Captain Baloney [Continued from page 1]
Also the captain vented his frustration on the 3/C and 2/C not knowing what the tides and currents are doing at a given time. To be sure this is pretty shocking. Not as shocking as finding out that Capt CMA was the richest man in Sun Valley, Idaho, but still. The editors agree with the good (sorry, great) captain that knowing what the tides are doing is basically important. But the reason they’re so useful on real ships is because when a ship is in port loading/discharging cargo, the ship’s freeboard changes. Combine that with tides, and you need to tend lines frequently. So on the training ship which never moves and rarely messes with ballast, you can see why it would be so imperative to know the tides and currents to the very second. Beyond that, the captain mentioned new security measures that could be put in place, including putting a gate at the pier… and moving poor Aadit from his cozy quarterdeck office into a stuffy, poorlyventilated shack by the donkey boilers. There would also be a TWIC card reader, which would be “periodically used” for “training purposes.” Finally, the captain mentioned that the ship would be brought to ISM standards for the deck and engine logs. For those WEs and CWOs who are perpetually worried about what does and doesn’t go in the logbook, standardizing these entries should be a welcome change. … Assuming they tell us beforehand precisely what they want in it, and that the mates and engineers who evaluate the log everyday are consistent in what they want to see. So the log entries will probably be about as standardized as the shoes of the commandant’s. At least the persistence of the captain has resulted in craptons of money being poured into that tiny, overcrowded ship. Which makes it better than the other academies at least. Merchant Marine Academy and Great Lakes Academy don’t even have real training ships. Mass and SUNY have crappy ancient cargo steam ships, and virtually nobody gets a stateroom (however crowded). And Maine? They have the sister ship of the TSBS, minus much of the engine room equipment and all of the simulator equipment... But it still has lounges. Ok, so maybe we have the second-best training ship. But at least we don’t go to school in freakin’ Maine! So, is Bolton a badass or does he just spout boloney? Here at the barnacle, we think his statements speak for themselves.
o o o o o o
What Grinds Your Barnacles? Fill in the blank Shaving on the [ W ] [N ] having a Division Commander Corps [W s ] [ ] [ ] [ ]
Restaurant Review [Continued from page 2]
Princess Garden For fans of Mongolian bbq, this restaurant is guaranteed to satisfy the appetite. It is located in the Target shopping center, next to the Starbucks. At a reasonable price of only $13.00 per person, you can engorge yourself in as many helpings as you want, plus you can call yourself the sauce BOSS by mixing and matching all the sauces. A stellar appetizer plate is provided as you sit down; now would be a good time to order drinks. For those of you of age to consume alcoholic beverages, the Tsingtao, (pronounced Ching-Dao), is a great beer. As soon as you’re settled in, grab a bowl and start piling on the meats, veggies and sauces and bring it to the person grilling behind the counter. The best part about the grill is that you can help yourself to as many servings as you can handle. At the end of this fancy feast, read your fortune and eat your cookie, (remember to always read your fortune first, and then eat the cookie, as doing this in the opposite order is considered to be bad luck). Whatever the cookie says, you’ve been fortunate to eat at Princess Garden.
Double Rainbow Café st A small ice cream shop on 1 street in Benicia with a big surprise: $1 WEINERS!! These ‘lil wieners make the Dub-Bow the double wiener deal of the month (not unlike some other place we know). The often youthful and friendly staff provides top notch service and some of the tastiest ice cream around. The Wicked Hazelnut Sundae will set you back more than a couple dollars, but the taste of the rainbow makes it worth the dough.
The Corps? Rotten? Could It Be? [Continued from page 1] So the question remains why the Commandant hasn’t done more to discipline a cadet who clearly crossed the line. When a comment like that is made, it can harm not only the person to whom it was directed, but to all of us at CMA. In that regard, we are all owed an explanation from Captain Buckey about this incident. Specifically he needs to publicly inform us of the ramifications of a Corps officer making such remarks, and where this officer is in the disciplinary process. (Were he to merely reference a section in the student handbook – which is not currently posted online – is insufficient and shows a lack of respect for us.) That he has not even given clear answers to the students victimized in the incident shows that he does not take the incident seriously. Captain Buckey, your actions appear shameful to many of us under your command, and we deserve an explanation.
Some days formo just seems that rough!
Who’s Who? Let’s Play the Matching Game (Connect the name with the picture, duh)
Yoda Pecota Cook
“Welcome to the California State Penitenti… uh I mean Naval Maritime Encampment Academy” The CommanDO’s Smile Show up four hours early to watch Say good morning to Commandant Leave class early to get to captain/admiral hours early Hang out in uniform at student center Walk with hand on head when you have forgotten your cover Wear brown shoes (…I can fly!) The CommanDON’TS X Enjoy yourself X Show up late to captain/admiral hours X Listen to music unless sitting (always be ready to pop a squat) X Get Financial Aid X Leave campus 4
Cite the Author
“If you weren’t there, you missed it.” “Doooon’t do it!” “The vassal…” “…dontchya’ know!” “It’s no big deal, no big deal.” -__________________ -__________________ -__________________ -__________________ -__________________
“If you don’t trust them, don’t get in bed with them.” -_____________ “The only people that whistle are c*ck suckers and bosuns and I don’t see any bosuns ‘round here!” -____________ “I can see you fools been out drinkin’ a lot of that amber-colored liquid, getting all goofy-assed!” “Don't be gangsta’ leanin' in the forklift.” -____________________ -______________
“Your kids got problems, need some fixin’? Bring ‘em to me, I'll knock ‘em the f*** out! I beat my kids, I beat my neighbors’ kids, I even beat my kids’ kids. I'll beat your kids if you want me to.” -__________________
Some Thoughts on the New Commandant
For a guy who does not seem to understand where he is, he seems rather cocky and hotheaded. This may be founded in the fact he was a big fancy O-6 in the navy. But I have been shocked by uncharacteristic behavior of someone with such high rank. In my observation an O-6 is the guy who deals with the political crap above the general command level and ensures the workforce feels they are important. Colonel Destafney had done this through his persistent talks about taking care of each other and being smart. His actions spoke volumes: they illustrated what he thought was important (our well being) and that is what makes the Corps feel good about itself. By definition the corps was lifted up and encouraged through such compassion. All I see in the new commandant is disgust with our inability to please his expectations of a “new normal.” The new commandant has not displayed any concern for our well being or interest in helping us on our way to being professional mariners. It seems perhaps he has overlooked our commitment to this school… also known as $20,000 plus per year. We want to be here. Yet he does not even seem to be sure of where he is at. We are NOT a Naval Academy! We are a California State University that specializes in the maritime industry and must meet trying demands from unwavering standards from many angles such as the State and Federal governments, STCW and U.S. Coast Guard. If you don’t take my word for it, go around and ask cadets how many credits they are taking. You will find many of them are taking more than twenty and even close to thirty credits at times. Commandant, if you take your job seriously perhaps you should consider your job description and start taking our lives and difficulties into consideration to help make this a less frustrating place and start caring about US before the next time you going trotting across the quad to scream at another one of OUR shipmates. [Continued on page 6]
“At CMA you don’t break up with your girlfriend, you just lose your turn”
Some Thoughts on the New Commandant [Continued from page5]
There are leaders at CMA that make us want to be better and others that make us wonder why we should work hard to impress someone who does not care about us. A little respect for us and our hard work would really go a long ways coming from the commandant. This school is honestly a really cool place with the coolest simulators, boats and classes. While this article may be frustrating to read from the commandant’s office’s point of view it is nonetheless a perspective shared by many, if not a majority, of our body/corps so perhaps it should be considered with an open mind.
CITE THE CORRECT AUTHOR, CIRCLE ONE (I AM SORRY THIS IS A TOUGH ONE) “WE WILL PREPARE YOU FOR AN ATMOSPHERE WHERE PEOPLE DIE”
The Wizard: Cause they are not commonly hunted 2182: Cause everyone needs a lifeline Zeum: Cause everyone likes to go fast. Zoom! Zoom! Lil-Girl: Cause the baby face says it all Leondias: Cause every family needs a warrior Dagne: Cause every day is a fresh start Man-Child: Cause if the shoe fits, it fits Crescent-Hammer: Cause you should never leave home without one
This paper has been published by the Wizard, because there are no Wizard hunts
GRAB ANKLES AND ACCEPT YOUR FATE….. WELCOME THE NEW NORMAL
From below the deck plate…welcome to the Combine!
…where we try not to work and pray every day for a catfight…
Proverbs from E.O.S. (Engineers Only Space) - “If it’s smaller than your dick, don’t step on it.” - “If you wouldn’t stick your dick inside it, don’t put your hands in there either.” - “The next time I catch you pissing in the bilge I’ll make you scoop it out with your mouth.” - “I like it down here in the engine room. Everything reminds me of being surrounded by hot, steamy, curvaceous women, except nothing talks back.” Yuri of Old Country and How to Greet a Officer Commanding
Questions to make you think How many spark plugs does it take to make a diesel engine turnover once? Who implemented the metric system as one of the first standards of measurement? How good would those Canadian Geese taste? How do you spell incorrigible? What is a combine? The Newest Weapon(s) in the Corps’ Endless War of Demoralizing the Cadets, and Why - Banning ear phones while out and about…in preparation for closed loop propaganda straight from the Corps and their butt lickers - Wearing hats all the time…so that we are forced to wallow in this shit existence that we soldier through at this school - Commandants walking through Lower, Upper, and Super Res…because it’s not enough for us to be subjected to their vanity-which-is-actually-passed-off-as-care while walking between classes
Yuri: “Goot day, komrad!” Commandant: “Good day, cadet. But I’m not Conrad, I’m the Commandant, and you’ll—“ Yuri: “Werry good, komrad! How eez yoor vaif? Commandant: “Uh, she’s alright, but I told you—…and why— “ Yuri: “Dat eez eksyellent to hyeer! Shee vaz wyerry goot last night, too…”
The School’s Part in the ongoing campaign of Operation Dishearten - Buying new Dodge Chargers for Public Safety…because we don’t need new chairs, tables, carpeting, or just a whole new classroom building in itself, but they spend on our “safety” providers aren’t even capable of keeping our bikes from getting jacked from their racks - The spike strip at the gate…it’s not enough that we see the gate as a symbol of imprisonment, now everyone else who visits does too - Shitty mess deck food…this is my third year here, and I haven’t eaten food this bad for as long as I can remember; one night I ate half a bag of Famous Amos cookies, tea, and two oranges because there was nothing worth eating in Hell’s Kitchen