You are on page 1of 17

Okay… well this is what I originally wrote in response to your message.

Literally typed all of this into the reddit messagebox before I realized how insane it would be hahah. Anyways, I hope this all makes sense. I tried to put everything in order but sometimes I forgot things and had to add them later etc. So, it might jump around a bit…

My entire life I have always felt different from other people for no apparent reason. In first grade, I stole like 5 books from the book fair and when I got home my mom caught me. She told me to never do it again and sent me to my room, but kept the books because she didn't want me to get into trouble at school. The next day, I went to the book fair again... I took a book and a computer game, despite knowing it was wrong as I was doing it, and then, for some reason... asked for a bag. They knew i hadn't paid and caught me without a receipt. So, even as a little kid I gave in to poor decisions. I changed school after that year; so instead of skipping to grade 3 after first grade, I started 2nd grade at a brand new Catholic school.

I grew up in a middle-class area, predominantly white/republican/christian and about 30 minutes north of Atlanta. My neighborhood had about 4 boys all my age and 3ish girls. My best friend's name was Kyle Mayo and he lived across the street. He had an older brother who was 2 years older than me and like a year and a half older than him. I used to sleep over at Kyle's every weekend because he got homesick at my house (gotta love kids... we were just across the street! :D). One night his brother came into his room at like 3am when we were "asleep". Well, Kyle definitely was. Anyways, his brother molested me for the first time at 10. He rubbed his junk against my leg until he came. This happened probably 3-10 times a month for the next 2 years. I never said anything, never told him to stop. Just pretended to be asleep. I'll go back to what I think this caused later I think...

So, molested first time at age ten. I was also ten when Kyle's brother showed me cocaine for the first time. It was Christmas Eve and we were about to go to church with his family for the midnight service. He said, "Do you wanna see my Christmas present for myself?" and pulled it out. I didn't know what it was at the time, just that it was intriguing. I knew it was taboo and a drug, just not really what it was.

So at the age of 12 I started being a bit more outgoing in school. I was always in the "popular" crowd of the 56 of us. I had my first girlfriend in like 4th grade and by 7th I had "dated" about 3 girls and madeout with 2. I never felt like I belonged though. I lived in a different city than the rest of them, didn't really buy into church/the bible, and really just felt distant. That old saying, "alone in a crowded room" well that sums it up nicely.

I've always been really smart too, but never had motivation. I was always okay with doing average and then getting mad at myself later for not trying. Or I'll literally fuck up as bad as humanly possible and slowly dig myself out of the situation.

So, freshman year I date a girl named Kim. I fall "in love" with Kim (head over heels, first time in love type) and we begin dating. Kim tells me 2 weeks in she might "like girls too". I'm okay with that, we still haven't really hooked up or anything. We slowly (very, very slowly) start hooking up... like 6 months till any contact besides kissing. I fingered her for the first time about 6 months in and a week later she gave me head. So we're about summer of sophomore year now and I go to France/Florida for wedding/vacation that summer. While I'm in France, Kim and her best friend Ashley give head (together) to my best friend, Matt. Kim only "tries" it (said she went down twice or whatever... whatever). Anyways, get back a week later and they act like everything is fine. I notice something feels weird though, but don't say anything. Florida for a week and back again. While I was in Florida, Kim called up Matt and asked to give him head again. Did it because she wanted to "know what it felt like" and she sucked till he came in her mouth.

So, now about 2 months after I get back from Florida me and Kim are hooking up maybe 1-2 a week including me fingering/eating her out. Finally, (8 monthsish) she gives me head when she is like 14 shots deep one night. She stops after like 5 minutes and doesn't seem like she really gives a fuck what shes doing. I was still in heaven. I praised this girl to ends, told her how much I wanted her/loved her blablabla. I worshiped her basically. We ended up having sex a couple of months later and then she told me a week later, through text, that she had cheated on me. I was broken. I mean, literally broken. Best friend and girl friend and just all the people who didn't tell me... It was like I had no one left. So, I told her I forgave her. I was too afraid to be on my own after a year with the "love of my life".

She cheated on me again with a girl this time, Chelsea, a month later. I tried to get her to choose between me and Chelsea but Kim says she cannot. She now believes she is actually a lesbian and she just loves me/is attracted to me anyways. Okay... whatever. I just want Kim to love me the way I love her, so I hangon. She's all I got, even if she treats me like shit.

I put up with her shit (being mean, not texting, being unfair, jealous as hell... everytime I meet some new girl at this point and we start dating, Kim manages to get me to cheat on them and the relationship ends within a week or two of starting, saying ew about my acne etc.) for like 3 more months after she cheats on me with Chelsea. Finally I kinda accept the fact that Kim really doesn't love me the way I want. Still hard as hell to not think about her/ feel that emptiness in the stomach. So, sophomore school of

year I failed my first class ever, Algebra 2, because I just couldn't focus/didn't give a shit. I never did homework, took notes, or anything. Just sat there and stared off into space while thinking about 203920392039 thoughts a second.

Okay, so, up until this point me and Matt had been best friends since 8th grade. (I switched back to public school in 8th grade so i could meet people before high school) We did everything together and were really like brothers. When I found out he had done that with Kim... I just couldn't look at him the same anymore. I tried so, so hard to look past it and keep being his friend. Over the next years we hungout like 4 more times. Our friendship was effectively killed. The other 3 dudes in my neighborhood remained my friends though. Zach was my other best friend besides Kyle. Me and Zach and Matt were the original trio, but for obvious reasons Matt kinda fell out. Zach and I were partiers. We would do crazy shit (like jackass movies at age 10 blabla, or drink beers at age 12) and always had a great time. I smoked weed with Zach for the first time at like age 11 and from there... we pretty much tried all drugs together. Zach's parents were very traditional, very strict, very religious ; kinda the opposite of my parents in most ways. I feel like I learned some of my manners/southern habits from Zach's family.

So, for the first time in my life Sophomore year (age 15ish) I actually experience depression. Even though i had been raped around 12, the depression didn't start until the Kim fiasco. And second semester 10th grade is when I started regularly using drugs. Weed on the weekends/pills if I could find them and then, weed everyday/pills on the weekend. Then throw in me trying coke, acid, E, shrooms, opiates, xanax. blablabla. At this time though 15-16 I was mainly just smoking weed with Zach and getting drunk every once in a while. We were just goofy and having a good time, but more importantly, it made me slow down and not think so much. I didn't rapidly think about why Kim didn't like me, or how I could change it, or why my life sucked, or how ugly i was, or blabla. It was like I could finally breathe fresh air.

So, by smoking weed/trying other drugs as a 16 year old I pretty soon had a big social group and was pretty much "popular" at my public high school. I was feeling pretty good about myself, minus the feelings caused by Kim. One day I was at Zach's house and we get a call from a mutual friend of Kim and Chelsea's, Ashley. Ashley is with Chelsea and Chelsea's sister Maggie (Chelsea and Maggie are identical twins; Chelsea was brunette, Maggie blonde) and they want to smoke with me and Zach. I despised Chelsea at this time and thought Maggie was stuck-up, but for some odd reason I decided to suck it up and said hell yeah.

Maggie/Ashley/Chelsea come to Zach's and we smoke a blunt of some weed or whatever. We all start talking and what not on the back patio. I decide I want a cigarette, but I feel awkward smoking around

them because they don't smoke cigarettes. Luckily for me, Ashley/Maggie/Zach went inside. Chelsea stayed outside; however, acting like she was looking at something in the woods. I pull out the cigarette anyways and light it when Chelsea says something to me. "Can I get one of those?"

I was a bit taken aback.. Chelsea was a volleyball player at school and just didn't seem like the type that would smoke cigarettes. Well, and Ashley/Maggie have a very anti-cigarette mindset. Regardless, I give her the cigarette and light it. We have some small-talk about random shit like tobacco. Eventually we finish our cigarettes and I'm about to turn around to go inside and find the others when Chelsea says something else. "So... you know... we've both kissed Kim." My heart sunk. Of all the things she had to bring up, this is it? It's taking enough to ignore my resentment at Chelsea... and now this? I'm gonna have a breakdown if she makes me sad... or wait... why do I not feel sad about Kim and Chelsea?

She continues, "so now we have to kiss... you know, to see what it is like." I smile and feel my heart begin to beat markedly faster. She moves in and our lips meet. The next 5-10 seconds of our first kiss were probably one of the best moment of my life. Later that night we ended up going back to Chelsea and Maggie's house. I slept over (in Maggie's bed, haha.) and at about 1am me and Chelsea began hooking up. We ended up fucking 7 times that night and I took her virginity. The next morning she took me home and we had sex again. And thus started the next 3 years of my life dating Chelsea... the girl Kim had originally cheated on me with. I took both Kim's and Chelsea's (both who are now identified as lesbians) virginities, just to add a little more oddity to the story.

So, right away me and Chelsea are head over heels. Kim freaks out and cries/ tries to make me jealous/tries to make Chelsea get with her/tries to get me back. It doesn't work for the first time ever. Maggie/Ashley/Kim begin to hate me and Chelsea. We don't care, we have eachother. Proceed to smoke weed/have sex/do random drugs all over Christmas break Junior year. We spend all day (8am-10pm or later) everyday together. I begin sleeping over during the week, not just Fri and Sat. We smoke everyday and start using xanax bars everyday. We fall more and more in love each second of everyday.

I started taking money from my parents when I was about 16 and a half. A twenty here or there if my mom's purse was laying out. A 100 dollar bill they probably forgot about. Not enough to get noticed, but enough that I was being a douche. Chelsea was also getting money out from her mom's account, about 20-40 a day with the occasional big amount. We weren't really drug addicts at the time, but we were definitely having issues controlling our use. Chelsea started skipping school more and of course I came with her. Sit through class alone or ride around holding Chelsea's hand and see where the day takes us? It wasn't even a decision. At the start of the second semester I withdrew from my main high school and

enrolled in an alternative school, was using an eightball of cocaine between me and Chelsea every week, and had a 5-10mg a day Xanax habit.

Independence high school, my new one I switched to, let you do packet work instead of typical education. We had a teacher who was just there to answer any questions, all the course work was in a packet and you simply had to complete it/take the tests/final and do projects/quizzes. Chelsea came with me and we were able to have classes together. At this point I had essentially moved in with her. I still came home a couple times a week, but I never wanted to be away from her. Especially when it came to having someone to hold while I slept. The school turned out to be a huge success for me and that second semester of 11th grade I finished 8 classes instead of the usual 4. I was also using coke in the bathroom at school, in the morning; and following it with xanax/beer pong every night. Me and Chelsea were party animals and we had the group of friends/resources to do it to the extreme.

So, my junior year had been amazing compared to the past two. I was truly in love... to the point that we discussed marriage and had even been "engaged" with promise rings. A year into the relationship and we had honestly only fought about two times. The Xanax was starting to cause me to blackout and forget some of the things I did though. I was also needing at least 20 dollars a day for drugs or I would be noticeable agitated. The summer before our senior year (17 years old) we were using 10mg of xanax a day, selling a lot of weed/other drugs, and having the time of our lives. I decided I wanted to switch back to Milton, despite my attendance problems that had continued at Independence. I was skipping school at least once a week there... and we got out at about 1PM! My first high school, Milton, I was skipping about 2-3 times a week Junior year. About two months into the start of senior year and me/chelsea have about 30 unexcused absences. She is automatically withdrawn and I somehow get lucky enough to have half of mine excused. I go for about a week without Chelsea until I skip again. I got caught and had to serve a day of ISS. I remember sneaking away and smoking a cigarette during lunch. A custodian saw me outside and radio'd the front office. I remember just staring at her and laughing in her face as I kept smoking my cigarette. It was at this point that I realized I no longer gave a shit what people thought about me/about my own morals/values/and started to become fully dependent on substances.

So, after the custodian finished her radio call, the ISS teacher comes outside and I can see he is pissed off. One of the best parts of me is my ability to make people like me, even if they shouldn't, including authority figures. It's odd because... well, i look like a stereotypical "stoner", have tattoos so I'm kinda "thuggish", and I just look kinda sketchy I guess... (at least from what I've noticed). Anyways, he starts ranting about how I had "hurt his job, his trust" blablabl. basically, he made me feel kinda shitty for just sneaking off and what not but I was just over it at this point.

I walked out of the ISS room, not saying a word to the teacher as I passed him, and straight to my grade's principals' office. He asked what is going on and I can't help but start crying now. I feel like I can't control my emotions, I'm feeling too much right now. I tell him I'm a recovering drug addict and that I can't handle being at that school anymore. I basically just let it all out; how i can't stay clean while being at that high school and when I'm done I just get up and walk out.

I never went back again, besides to pick up my diploma. That assistant principal was actually extremely caring/loving and supported me regardless of me dropping out again.

So, 2 months into my senior year and I drop out. and we (me and chels) get arrested for the first time. Chelsea and I both get charged with posession of marijuana/ less than an OZ. We had .3 of a gram. This was a scary experience, sitting in the holding cell for 12 hours and really experiencing my first "major" consequence directly related to my drug-use. That is, the first consequence that is outside of just myself. I will never forget talking to the bails bondsman and just being like "fuck... my parents are going to kill me." Chelsea's mom got us out 12 hours later (paid the bail with my dads credit card which I conveniently had in my pocket baha :X) and I didn't go home till the next day. My parents were livid, but moreso than that, I could see for the first time the fear in their eyes. I could see that they were starting to realize that I wasn't acting like myself anymore. It was at this point that they started noticing money disappearing, my attendance sucking, and finally they find out that I'm not in school. I got probation for a year from the marijuana charge, as did chels.

Probation wasn't enough to scare me at all. 3 hours after waking up the next day, following being arrested, I had already forgotten how hellish sitting in a holding cell was and I had already set my mind on getting my fix, though. Me and Chelsea decided that we needed something good to cancel out that experience, so we called up our dealer and asked what he had. 17 years old; in some random person's apartment in a sketchy part of downtown Atlanta, with Chelsea and some random dude she had hooked up a couple years back... I had someone stick the syringe in for the first time. I was an experienced user of all types of drugs, excluding heroin/meth/pcp and a few others. I had snorted countless numbers of xanax pills, roxycontin, oxycontin in varying sizes/amounts, and pretty much any drug you can think of used recreationally. Not only this but, I prided myself in my ability to do ridiculous amounts of the drugs. I could do double the amount you do, and still act more in control than you. That was my "superability"... how stupid/naive I was back then.

That first shot of heroin wasn't enough. While chelsea/the dude each did one shot and were fine, I made them give me three. After the last push of the plunger I realized why people liked this stuff, but I wasn't in love. Chelsea, on the other hand, was hooked. Oxycontin stopped getting made in an easily abusable

form and it was expensive as hell anyways (between me and chelsea at this point we had a $120/day habit... One 80mg pill each that we snorted throughout the day) so we figured what the hell, let's just get heroin. Cheaper, stronger, and it lasts longer. Plus, despite being deathly afraid of needles, I liked the rush it gave me and the process of making a shot.

The rest of the year at age 17 I spent in and out of rehab/AA meetings. It happened after one night I was on about 5 xanax pills (10mg) and was in a blackout. I ended up walking through my neighborhood and checking every car. Any unlocked car I got in and stole anything worth value. I woke up the next morning with about 3 ipods, 4 laptops, a pistol, and a bunch more stuff that wasn't mine and no recollection of how I had obtained it. My dad saw one of the laptops and didn't buy my excuse that it was my friend's. I managed to get out of the house and threw away everything, hid it. Horrible, I know, but I didn't know what else to do. Later that day I was admitted to my first in-patient treatment center. (Probably about March 2010 I think?) I stayed 30 days in the young adult program (no tobacco ah!) and then went back home. I started going to Alcoholics Anonymous with Chelsea and we stayed clean for about 30 days although I was just showing up to the meetings, not doing the "work". After 30 days we got bored and decided to go smoke some weed, leading me into this viscous cycle of sobriety/relapse from 17-19.

Chelsea and I were still kicking it at this point, everything lovely. We had a few fights here and there, mostly about drugs/money/being jealous over stupid shit. We were both addicts and we were both struggling very hard. After I got back from that first trip to rehab, I went back to Independence HS and graduated in April 2010, before my class. I was high as a kite the day I walked the ceremony. My parents were very proud, but I know they were also sad I didn't have the real graduation at my first school.

I hadn't expected to graduate... I had gotten to the point where a job in retail and getting high everyday/marrying Chelsea seemed like the best plan for me. I never had any real interests after Kim dumped me, besides getting high and numbing myself to any real feelings. I was good at English/school in general, but nothing ever really excited me. I had no idea what to do when I got that diploma, so I just applied to a college. And got in. I was baffled, the one college I applied for (a pretty good one at that) had accepted the drug addict, thief, fuck up: me. I had destroyed my original plans and essentially did as poorly as possible during high school, yet here I was being accepted to a real 4 year college. It was one of those... "woah" moments, like when I had turned 18 and realized I wasn't a kid anymore.

So, April 2010 and I find out i got accepted to GSU. I'm not really excited but I figure it's what everyone else does/is expected of me. My parents are proud of me but for some reason I feel like they aren't. We go to freshman orientation and I can feel a little bit excited. Chelsea still hasn't reenrolled in hs. Worried

about her/me. We don't fight, but if we don't have drugs we aren't happy. It's just tense, I feel like we're both hitting low points. Chelsea and I are still doing massive amounts of xanax fairly regularly, in combination with our oxycontin habits. Daily about 3-5 xanax and 1 Roxy 30mg or Oxy 80mg or some form of opiate/pill and probably 1-7 grams of california weed. We were selling weed/xanax pretty much daily too during this time. One day, while my old neighborhood friends are in school, Chelsea and I show up at one of the girls houses, Emily, to see if her BF left his pot there. Her BF sells about an ounce at a time ($500) so if we can find it, we'll be good for a while. I sneak in through a window near her basement that they keep unlocked and slowly walk upstairs. I notice how creepy it feels being in someone else's house when you know you shouldn't be. It's very quiet.

I was on about 5 xanax and was already beginning to blackout/forget what I was doing/why I was doing it. So, instead of going upstairs to look for the weed; I end up in her mom's bathroom looking at her safe. We used to steal pills from her mom and I knew that she had found out and started keeping them in her safe. I did the logical thing and just stole the whole damn safe.

I climbed back out with the safe, and some other minor things like an ipod and some coins (like 15 dollars in quarters) and shut the window so it looked the same as before. Chelsea and I left to go open the safe in her car somewhere. I used a butter-knife and broke it open, inside we found no good pills (I was actually angry at this. Not angry... It felt like I had lost all hope when I realized none of the pills in the safe would fuck me up.) We did, however, find about 3 gold rings, 2 with some form of jewels... a few bracelets, and a few other pieces of jewlery belonging to Emily's mom. Chelsea went to 2 pawn shops, located in the same town as this woman's house, and pawned all of Emily's mom's jewlery for like $1500.

Chelsea and I buy a bunch of weed/waste money on new bongs/stupid shit. We act like nothing happened and honestly, I forgot how we had gotten the money. 2 days later I tried to talk to Emily's BF and he pushed me and said fuck you. It was then that I realized the gravity of what we had done. It was a momentous occasion when I realized me and my 18 year old girlfriend of 2 years had just potentially fucked up the rest of our lives permanently. I knew we were talking felonies and i knew that jewelry was worth a lot. A lot more than money (memories etc), too. So, the next few days we literally sat around and waited for what would happen. We knew we were going to be arrested and we just didn't know what would happen/when. 3 days later I had taken a large amount of xanax again because I couldn't cope with the anxiety I was dealing with about this situation. My parents were making me stay at home and Chelsea had to drop me off. I hated being that messed up at my house on xanax and more-so I was scared of losing Chelsea- to the point I didn't want to leave her side for a second. That night, I asked Zach to borrow his xbox360. I went to his house after he said yes and proceeded to break-in since it was locked (instead of asking him where the key was/waiting for him to let me in to get the 360), go to his parent's room, and find their stash of change. I stole about $300 in quarters/other coins and took Zach's

xbox. I went home at about midnight and fell asleep like 10 minutes later. I woke up to about 5 missed calls from Zach and a voicemail. Listened to the message and he says, "we need to talk. now." He sounds pissed/sad/hurt.

I can't really remember any reason Zach would call me and leave a message like this so I call him back. Xanax makes you feel very groggy when you wake up, almost as if you are still messed up. I don't realize what actually happened last night yet, just that I had been dropped off by Chelsea. As the phone is ringing I see a bag that says Zach on it. I open it up and realize what I did. All those coins... fuck. Zach answers and I immediately start apologizing and trying to find a way out of this situation. I want to take it back, I want to fucking rewind. This can't be real, it's a dream. "Please, Zach, I'm coming over now to drop all of it back off. Your xbox. Sorry I broke the door, I didn't realize how hard I had tried to open it!" I didn't even admit that I had stolen the change. In fact, I flat out lied to his face about it. I showed up in his driveway at 10am that next day and walked inside of his house holding his xbox 360. I was greeted in the kitchen by his parents, him, and 2 police officers. Zach was crying and couldn't look at me. His mom was saying something along the lines of, "always love you... you are a good person... lost... confused... get help... for your good". Nothing really makes sense right now though, partly xanax, partly my brain wanting to reject reality.

I blackout as the cops put me in the back of their cop car. Wake up in Rice Street (or big-boy jail). I'm in a cell with 10 other people, mainly big black dudes. I'm a 140lb white boy from the suburbs. I spend about 6 hours in that cell till my dad has to drive 2 hours at 1am to pick me up. I was charged with Theft by Taken but they ended up dropping the charges. I was also, luckily, off probation at this time and so I spent that half a day in jail and never heard about this incident again.

I did lose my friendship with Zach, however, which is something I will regret everyday for the rest of my life. Zach was someone who would have loved me no matter what, until I fucked him over. Even then, he tried giving me a second chance and just like I couldn't forgive Matt, he couldn't forgive me. Plus, Chelsea had been arrested for the jewelry that night. I had no idea where she was/how long she would be there. 3 days later she got bailed out of Rice Street, charged with Theft by taking and receiving stolen property.

At about noon the day my dad bailed me out I was entering a 7 day in-patient treatment for detox/depression. The amount of xanax in my system was enough to kill a 40 year old man and it was about 2 pills less than my typical daily dose. It wasn't until 3 days in that I realized how far gone I was, how much hurt I had caused, how much I had lost, and how badly I wanted the pain to stop. The guilt/shame/remorse was coming at me from all angles and I felt horrible. The only thing keeping me

going was the nice people I met and the phone calls to Chelsea. We were going to do it this time. We would get clean and become true members of AA. We would become role-models for other teen drug addicts. And most importantly, we would get away from the issues in our relationship that drugs caused. We would be 100% in love and nothing would be affecting it.

I lasted for 20 days until I bought some spice or "legal weed" from a smokeshop. I didn't tell anyone I smoked though and continued to lie to Chelsea, my family/hers, my sponsor in AA, all my sober friends, and everyone in AA. I was in a meeting when Chelsea picked up her 90 days clean chip and I did too. Except I was lieing, I had smoked 30 minutes earlier. And, everyday for the past 70 before that. No one could tell, though. Not even Chelsea, my baby, the one I told everything to and never had to worry about her judging me/what she would think. I don't know why I never told her that I had picked up spice again, but if I had... things might have been different. She would have understood and we could have talked about our options: her using again, me quitting, or her remaining sober and just supporting me till I could quit. I just bottled up all the anxiety and all the lies and all the fear/sadness/what have you until I couldn't handle it anymore.

I felt so fucked up, like such a piece of shit. I was miserable and everyday was the same thing: wake up, "how can I get money", do whatever it takes for said money, get drugs, do them, repeat. And everyday I needed more just to feel a little less than I did the day before. I was getting sick of my relationship with Chelsea. I felt like I was missing out, I had dated her for like 2 and a half years at this point... all of the HS i cared to remember. She was the only girl I had really had sex with.. besides a few times with Kim.

Forgot to add - one night (2nd year of me and chelsea dating) we were both on a large amount of xanax, even for us, and hanging out with that friend that was there with the heroin. Chelsea and him had dated like... in eighth grade. Not enough for me to get jealous over, but enough that things were slightly awkward. We're all fucked up though and just hanging out. Chelsea and i are kinda rubbing/playing around while the guy sits on the computer. Eventually Chelsea is obviously horny and she says she wants to fuck. Now, xanax makes me think whatever I want/have ultimate confidence/truly not give a fuck about things I normally would. So, with that being said, I asked Chelsea if she would ever seduce Vince (the dude.) She kinda ignores the question and just keeps touching me/being touched. Her and Vince dated/lived together but they never had sex. I think she had given him head and that was it, before he cheated on her with Maggie, her twin. Maggie/Vince started dating following that... but that isnt important. Chelsea is really, really horny and I can see her looking at Vince as I rub her vagooo under a blanket so he can't see. She's trying to be secretive about it but I know that what I said put the idea in her mind. Eventually I just blurt out, "Go seduce him Chelsea." She says she doesn't want to but I know she's bullshitting now. She gets up and asks Vince if he'll fuck her. he says no, unless I sign something saying I won't be mad. He writes it up and Chelsea comes and sits next to me again. She looks at me as vince hands me the "contract". I looked in her eyes and asked, "Is this what you really want, Chelsea?

Like, truly?" she smiles, bites her bottom lip, and says, "yes" impishly. If this had been a porno... that woulda been the money shott for me. She seemed so innocent/so slutty/the hurt/pain I was feeling was so intense but the drugs were numbing it. I told her then I wouldn't stop her.

She took Vince into her brother's room, two doors down from the living room where I still was. She took him by the hand, opened the door and closed it. Took off her pants/thong and just laid down. he fucked her for about 20 minutes till she came/ her mom and her sister heard her during their sex. They both asked WTF she was doing and realized it was Vince, not me. I remember her coming downstairs and I began to realize what happened. She looked satisfied, like she does after we usually had sex. I was so incredibly horny. Moreso than I think I ever have been at this point. She had already gotten her orgasm though and she was fucked up... she fell asleep without hooking up with me.

I woke up the next morning and felt like my life was over. I made it real unfair for her by saying how could you do this blabla? In reality, it was just as much my fault as hers... but it really sucked. She felt horrible and never did it again, but the damage was done. Our relationship was still amazing and I forgave her... but that day a little part of us died and began affecting us more and more each day then on.

So, we continue dating and things are pretty good for a couple months. Not a lot of fights, I can control my emotions about Chels cheating on me, and she has proven she made a mistake and won't cheat on me again. It was at this point that I realized I might be missing out on having meaningless sex/felt as if Chelsea and I were always gonna be together and I was doomed to being bored. So, I talked to Andrea.

Freshman year in HS I was talking to two girls in the beginning, Kim and Andrea. I really liked Andrea but never could tell if she liked me back or not. I thought Kim was unique/interesting/cute but I didn't really have feelings for her, especially not the butterflies Andrea made me feel. I ended up asking Kim out instead of Andrea. This was clearly my first big mistake of my young-adulthood. Hahah.

Anyways, Andrea ended up at the same college as me and we had always had a little sexual tension during high school. After Kim and I broke up, I found out that Andrea had indeed had a crush on me. In fact, she was heads over heels... the way I ended up feeling about Kim. Well, one night I get a call from Andrea asking what I'm doing. It just so happened that I didn't really have plans persay (other than the usual 12 step meeting/hangout with Chelsea) and so I said that I was gonna go see her in her dorm. I ended up going (probably because the spice made me feel more confident/less anxious) and we went to get some xanax. I hadn't done xanax in 90 days, just been smoking spice. Long story short: me and

Andrea had sex which means I cheated on Chelsea with her. I also felt like I wanted Andrea again. To the point that when she didn't want to hangout with me the next day, chose another guy instead, I decided I wanted to kill myself.

It was a culmination of a bunch of things I guess. My addiction, my failures, my lack of "me", the guilt from stealing/cheating on her/hurting my parents/losing my friends. But, the tipping point was feeling like Andrea didn't want me... Feeling how Kim used to make me feel. I went and bought 15 roxycontin pills, using stolen money from my mom's debit card. That was about 400ish dollars. I proceeded to shoot all 15 into my veins in less than 2 hours. I nodded in and out until I shot the last one and then I remember slowly fading... my head started to droop and things started to go black.. slowly, slowly... and then it was just nothing. I was just gone. No thoughts, just blank. just black. I knew I was gone and it was the most serene feeling ever. No more worries.

I woke up 6 hours later. It was like I was gone and then all of the sudden I took my first breath again and i was back out of the haze. I knew at that point that... well, something, was looking out for me. I called Chels and told her everything. she took me to the hospital and... Back to rehab/detox/mental hospital for 7 days. After those 7 days though, my insurance wouldn't cover me anymore for substance abuse. I enrolled in a 30 day program that was in-patient but more like a controlled-living place than a treatment center. We had counselors everyday and group for 5-6 hours. Close the day with a 12 step meeting of course. I was doing awesome, living downtown ATL, enjoying being sober, getting back into school... things were looking up for me. Then 30 days in I got a call from Chelsea's friend Kelsey. Kelsey asked if I thought Chelsea was getting high again. I had not noticed one sign of Chelsea using, nothing sketchy seemed to be happening whatsoever. I tried calling Chelsea and she didn't answer. It hit me like a ton of fucking bricks. I called her about 4 more times in the next ten minutes. No answers and after the 3rd call she ignored my call, going straight to voicemail. I knew something was up.

She finally called me 20 minutes later and I managed to contain my emotions. "where are you... what is going on babe?" I asked her. "Nothinggg, i'm just relaxing. Sorry!" I can tell she is acting strange.. I hear a guys voice in the background. "Who is that, Chelsea?" She says, "It's Ryan." (Ryan was my old babysitter oddly enough, he was about 25 when we were 17... chelsea met him because randomly I saw him at a meeting once) I knew shit wasn't right, I just knew it. I started acting a bit erratically, "Baby, please don't cheat on me. I don't care what you do, please don't get high and please don't cheat on me." She was saying how she was struggling, how it wasn't easy, blablabla. I felt horrible because i knew she had been doing the right thing this whole time and I was the one who had fucked up.

I got a call back ten minutes later from her. She had let him eat her out and began having sex with him. She had lied to me about it at least six times before admitting it. I kept catching her in lies on the phone and finally she told me what happened. She said she wanted to get high and asked Ryan to take her to get heroin. He wanted to stay sober and said no but told her they could hangout and he would help her not pick up drugs instead. Ryan came over to Chelseas and they went downstairs. Kelsey, I guess, had a crush on Ryan and asked him to hangout. She realized he was acting weird and asked Chelsea to hangout. That's when she realized what was going on. She called me... asked if I thought Chelsea was getting high. Blabla. So anyways, Kelsey let me know that Ryan/Chelsea were both acting weird. I called from downtown (30 minutes distance from Chels) and she ignored etc. Ryan and Chelsea went into her room and eventually she just got naked for him to eat her out. He did, got hard, and stuck his dick in her. For about 3 minutes they had sex until she started crying (assuming because she felt bad about cheating on me again). that's when she called me.

So, needless to say, I left rehab the next day. Fuck doing well, I have to save Chelsea/can't lose her to anyone else. I got home and immediately got back into AA. I was ready to do it for real and so was Chelsea.. again. We lasted about 2 weeks before I got the text from Chelsea's mom.

"Hey... is the reason u rnt hanging out with chels that much cause she is getting high again?"

Instantly my heart dropped and I knew what was going on. I called Chelsea and I unleashed. "what the fuck. how the fuck. how dare you. blablablabla. hurt, fuck, pain, fuck, anger, rawwwwwwr" she was so fucked up she was forgetting what she was saying/what she had already said. Earlier that day she had gotten in a car accident and her mom had walked in to her room to find her and Kim with Xanax. She had been shooting up heroin for the past two weeks and doing Xanax with Kim. She was cheating on me with Kim for those two weeks, as well. I asked where she was and she said she didn't know. I told her I was going home from the meeting I was at and hung up.

15 minutes later she calls me again, completely hysterical and bawling her eyes out. She is in the hospital. Tried to kill herself by slitting her wrist. I tell her I'm coming. I go to her despite finding out she was lieing, cheating, using behind my back for 2 weeks. She looks so broken/pitiful/fucked up on heroin. She's in a hospital gown and still crying. It's clear that she isn't gonna remember the true details of this night, juts bits and pieces.

We talk and she is being kinda mean to me. Well, she's just so out of it/fucked up that she can't even be loveydovey/sorry right now. Anyways, I leave after saying that we are "its complicated" on facebook,

basically. I gave her one last kiss on the lips and touched her face blabla. I didn't know what my plan was at this point. I say goodbye to her mom/sister. Chelsea's mom says she is going to treatment no matter what, so at least I know she is getting help.

I walked out of that hospital on December 23, 2010. 4 days before 3 years together. 2 days later she called me to explain. I told her I was done with the hurt/pain/what we caused eachother. She told me she was going to treatment for 6 months. That was the last time I ever talked to Chelsea, my second love. Her and Kim were dating the next day on facebook.

I was broken... but able to hold myself up. I had subconciously wanted to end our relationship for a while and now I was free to spend money on drugs for myself solely/hangout with random... probably slutty, haha, girls. So, I went wild. Janurary-March 2011 were the craziest months of my life, thus far. I doubt I will ever experience anything quite like those 90 days. Ever.

I had lost all my friends in my neighborhood from drugs. Lost my girlfriend/the friends we hungout with together. Lost my dog when she left. Lost myself a long time ago. All I had left was drugs, my drug dealers, and the few people who could use drugs as much/as often as me that I talked to. The day following seeing Chelsea in the ER I went to a meeting at 8pm, like usual. I sat down next to my sponsor and explained what had happened. He told me, verbatim, "Just don't pick up and keep coming back. Are you gonna be a pussy and use over a minute issue?"

Alcoholics Anonymous/12 step meetings in general had consumed the past 2-3 years of my life on and off. I could quote slogans out my ass, recite certain paragraphs from the literature, and in all seriousness; tell you the ins and outs of AA. I was extremely knowledgeable about addiction/alcoholism... still am. But, that one statement... that one moment... I realized it was all bullshit. I had never felt more alone in a crowded room.

I walked out of that meeting and went and got high again. Jan 1st. My friend Kevin (year younger than me... when I lost all my friends I started hanging out with "associates" younger than me.) Kevin hooked me up with a new dealer since I had lost all mine when I previously tried to get sober. His name was KD or "Yung KD". He was 18, a rapper, and he sold xanax, as well as other things...

Kevin and I started going through KD and getting drugs everyday. Eventually I stopped needing Kevin and got KD's number for myself. Me and KD started hanging out everyday and I would buy like $20-$100

worth of cocaine, which I was shooting up. I would also drive yung kd around to random places and he would give me about 40 dollars worth of free coke on top of that.

So January was spent getting to know Yung KD and I was mainly shooting cocaine and doing xanax. Probably doing about 1.5 grams of coke a week and like 4 xanax total. Plus weed everyday. I was technically enrolled at college now, so I would wake up around 9am and get money from my dad/mom for school. (for gas, the bus, food, etc) I was living in their house still so I would leave at 9 and instead of going to Atlanta for class, I would go to Yung KD's hotel room where he would be sleeping with his "girl" Cindy.

Cindy was about 30 and had between 6-8 kids. Only one lived with them in the hotel room, though. That was her baby (about 1yr old I think) named Riss, short for Marissa. I would get there about 10 and wake up KD/Cindy. Cindy was normally up first and we would talk about random stuff till KD got out of bed. Once Yung KD was up we would either: sit around the hotel room smoking weed/in my case, doing coke or whatever/go to the recording studio where he rapped/go pick up his drugs/guns/whatever. I saw my first gun in person Feb. 2011. Picked up KD one day and he had with his normal amount of cocaine, a .22 pistol.

I drove him to an apartment about 20 minutes away from the hotel and he got out. Before he walked away he leaned in real close and told me, "Keep the car running. In drive, ready to go. No questions."

I knew what was expected of me. I knew what I would gain if I did my job. Sure enough, 5 minutes later he is running and I see another figure about 20 feet behind him. I realize he's being chased by another man. That's when I hear the first bang. I open my passenger door from inside and 3 seconds later KD jumps in. Before he can even shut the door we are out of the parking spot and out of the range of the other man's gun. KD told me we were getting drugs but i knew not to be that naive... anything was possible with him. Turns out, he had robbed that dude of $1000 worth of crack and the .22 pistol. He had robbed the dude's own gun. I was taken back. It wasn't that big, a .22 pistol. Yung KD showed me what he had gotten...

Turns out he had robbed him of about $300 worth of pills/coke/crack each. so $1000ish total and, the guy's gun. In the car KD handed me 8 oxy 80s, worth around 400 dollars itself. He also let me get rid of the bullet in the chamber... first time i ever fired a gun. it was in the suburbs, on a street, in my car, and people definitely could have heard it. Why I'm not in prison for some of my stupid-ass choices... I wish I knew.

KD and I did random shit like that throughout Feb and into March. With KD I was introduced to an entirely different world from my own. I grew up with everything I needed and most of what I wanted. I was spoiled. I was from the suburbs. And now, here is Yung KD. He is from the suburbs too but yet he has no fear. He has no worries. His primary concern is to get money by any means possible. 18 years old and his body is covered in tattoos. 18 years old and he has made over 10 grand selling crack/cocaine. Living in a hotel room/surviving off of selling crack... I just didn't think that kinda shit actually happened. Especially not in the suburbs of North-Atlanta.

We robbed people, we beat people up, we sold drugs, we laughed, we changed Rissa's diapers, we ate dinner together. Those 3 months I did shit I never thought I would/should have. I did a lot of bad things and hurt a lot of random people and sunk to an even lower bottom. My drug use was upwards of a quarter of cocaine a week and around 100 dollars worth of heroin. The coke was free, from KD, until he stopped getting it. He only had crack so I started smoking that.

By the end of Feburary, I felt completely safe being the only white person in one of the most dangerous neighborhoods in the US, not only Atlanta. The Bluffs, i think 5th most dangerous last year. But, anyways, KD basically was my best friend for those 3 months. I think that in those 90 days I really tried to kill myself. I should be dead from that amount of drugs. A thousand times over...

So March comes and I'm getting more and more fiendy/desperate for drugs. I get fronted a bag of coke from KD and we work out that I owe him 60 dollars for what would normally be 20 dollars and he gets to hold on to my phone until I pay him. I planned on stealing a check from my parents to forge and paying him the next day, so I agreed. Gave him my phone, thought nothing of it and went home.

2 in the morning and I wake up to my mom screaming frantically. She is saying like 100 words a second. "Kill. Death. Drugs. Drug Dealer. Oli. What have you done?" I instantly feel anger like I've never felt. It's rushing through my veins, taking over. I'm shaking. I call my own phone number and wait for the voice on the other end. It's a black man, but not KD. I place the voice: Jordan. KD's "brother"/gang member. He was just released from a 3 year stint in prison earlier that week. I met him for the first time on Monday of that week, the day he got out.

I was betrayed again. Trust broken, hurt my emotions. I had really thought KD considered me his brother. his best friend. I was so lost/broken/sad/hopeless that I had convinced myself for 3 months

straight a drug dealer/gang member/thug who only wanted my rides/money actually cared about me. Once he called my parents at 2am and told them I stole thousands of dollars worth of drugs from him though... It was clear that I was an idiot. It was clear that he was trying to fuck me over, ruin my life. It was clear that I needed to get away from my past, from myself.

Having your parents think you are going to be murdered at any point is very uncomfortable. Especially when they keep asking you questions about this drug dealer who doesn't exist, the drugs which I never stole, and so on. The 3 days after that I spent in lockdown were horrible. I was fucked but more than that… I was fucking embarrassed. My parents kept me safe for 3 days in their house and then I went to Florida on March 5. I went to a 75 day treatment program there and completed it then I moved into a halfway house and stayed there for a month. While in Florida i was violently carjacked, was cheated on by a girl, had a girlfriend for 2 months, and I relapsed once on a Roxycontin pill.

After I was carjacked I moved back to Atlanta. That was about August 2011. So, no car, living at home with my parents again. Miserable. No friends anymore in my hometown, no one to talk to… no one new to meet, and I didn’t feel like I belonged in AA or outside of AA. Everytime I was high, all I could think about was how much I hated myself and what I was doing, but yet, whenever I was sober all I could think about was getting high. It was quite literally a perpetual living hell. Every single morning the first thought on my mind was get high. I would wake up, feeling like shit (tired as hell, felt no more relaxed than before I slept, extremely hungry but no desire to eat, and my lower back would be in like 8/10 pain) first thing would be to go smoke some spice.