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YOU! gangsterrific: thelightofaether: Oh that was a totally unexpected surprise! I get in my car and I see something bundled there and I had no clue what it was! And you left it th ere at 11:20? gangsterrific: yes sir! i was gonna go into the building to look for you but the doors near your car were locked. gangsterrific: desperate times call for desperate action! gangsterrific: hehehehehehehe. thelightofaether: Oh...yeah, I thought I heard somebody trying to get in through the one door to the room we were sitting in. But Karen thank you so much! That was so nice of you! thelightofaether: *** You've been HUGGED! *** gangsterrific: *** HUGGING! *** gangsterrific: i can't even begin to DESCRIBE... gangsterrific: how happy you have made me today. gangsterrific: and every other time. gangsterrific: thelightofaether: It was my pleasure, Karen. You do me honor every time you hang out with me! thelightofaether: And I certainly wanted to do my part to help you get back on t he employment wagon, so to speak. But also will it be a bittersweet moment when you do go back to work, you know? gangsterrific: the pleasure really is all mine, dearest gangsterrific: i don't even want to think about it :-( gangsterrific: i'd rather be unemployed forever if it meant i could spend more d ays like that with you. thelightofaether: I think I'd have it that way myself, to be completely honest w ith you. Unfortunately the world seems to have other plans, doesn't it? It sucks ... gangsterrific: i know tell me about it. thelightofaether: But your note...that's going right in my safe. Along with othe r things that I keep in there that are very dear to me...my safe is now complete ! gangsterrific: awwww...that's really...sweet. gangsterrific: it came from the heart. thelightofaether: I know it did. You're very good at that. Speaking of your hear t how did the rest of your evening go? gangsterrific: it went rather nicely. i fell asleep during bible study. i felt s o bad but i just couldn't keep my eyes open. before that, i was horribly depress ed. i ended up caving in and calling mike. it's not that nothing bad happened... but it seemed as though he didn't know how to make me feel better even though he always used to in the past...and it broke my heart. i wanted to kill myself and i had a struggle with myself. but i was afraid that if i took too much excederi n, he would end up pushing away from me more. but i wanted to so bad. it was hor rible...i just wanted to die. thelightofaether: Well that's horrible, I'm so sorry to hear it was a bad evenin g beforehand. An Excederin is your depressiong medication, correct? thelightofaether: Well, whether it's your depression medication or not, he certa inly would have no excuse for pushing you away just because you need medication, Karen. In fact, I hope that's not something he often does! gangsterrific: excederin is medication for headaches. thelightofaether: Oh good Lord. What problem does Mike have with that then? gangsterrific: well, here's the story.
that was the night that i didn't want jaime around.. this NEEDS to stay with us.. is what I meant to say. thelightofaether: That needs to stay BETWEEN us. thelightofaether: OK. mike said that if i ever tried killing myself he would be u pset at me and may push away from me. gangsterrific: maybe it was to go easier to him. gangsterrific: when we broke up. i told m ike that i just wanted to give up and die. But Karen. but I feel pretty stron gly on it: you're winning. whether they reco mmend you take the dose daily or just as needed. was given to you to treat your depression symptoms.. fo r example.. thelightofaether: Do you agree with me on these points? gangsterrific: i. and i just felt this horrible pang in my heart and i began crying. Mike is proving alot these days that he did not respect you enough. thelightofaether: Third. I didn't even need to put that..gangsterrific: shortly after mike had broken up with me. gangsterrific: thank you. Your depression medicine.that i didn't wanna go on feeling th e way i was feeling.. I mean. Karen.he promised he would be there for me and would n't hurt me further. i'm always there fo r him. Karen. your medications should really be no longer any of his business. by law hospitals and doctors are forbidden to disclose things like that to anyone but the patient for whom the medicine is going. thelightofaether: But I remember one of the last things I wrote in one of my tex t messages was something you probably didn't agree with. Honestly.. But it's no t between life and death. gangsterrific: i'm stuck.. i know you do.. speaking as someone who is going to become a doctor: your medications are there for when you need them. since you are no longer Mike's girlfriend. gangsterrific: and it broke my heart even more.. And Mike saying something like that is a really low and cheap shot on his part in my opinion. I was mad over how the hockey team was always put befo re you. and this is even worse. why? why is this happening? thelightofaether: Well Karen.. gangsterrific: illusions and corruption.. me and him and ken hung out. And I told him that for months.. and I'm not at all hesitant to tell you once again: everything that's happened since yo u and Mike broke up. gangsterrific: your blog really hit home for me.. but that's difficult to promi se someone.do. or he was just saying so mething to make the breakup go easier for him. but that's how I feel.i know you're right. I'm not going to say Mike was lying to you. isn't it? gangsterrific: yes. i promise.. i would never hurt him. thelightofaether: First of all. thelightofaether: You were the best thing to ever happen to him. Speaking as a friend. well we were at starbu cks.would push away to the point where i woul dn't see him again. I understand your pain. i will never break it or let you down like that . because breaking up with you DID hurt you! In my opinion.. he didn't understand how deep this promise he was giving you was.you wrote exactly what i was feeling. Death is never a solution to a proble m.. in limbo between life and death in a time where i'd ra ther choose death. The limbo is just you being denied true happiness with what you really want over and over again. NONE OF IT IS YOUR FAULT..isn't fair...even when things were his fault. I've been telling you this since the beginning. thelightofaether: Amazing how they work together. however. I really do. I'm going to be honest with you here.. You ready? gangsterrific: yes please. You're correct on one thing: you are in a limbo. . that's a very difficult promise to make someone. Maybe that's just my super-co nservative relationship views talking. thelightofaether: I know you won't. thelightofaether: I mean... considering he is the one who brought all of this upon y ou. but I don't think Mike i s mature enough to handle a relationship properly. gangsterrific: it just.. i never pushed him away. gangsterrific: you can trust me. thelightofaether: Secondly.
.. i shouldn't be so selfish and i don't mean t o be. but it is how I feel. and we can tal k about things that cause you pain alot more smoothly than we were able to when it first happened. thelightofaether: Are you still there? . I'm very proud of the way you're taking all of th is crap that's being thrown on you. you haven't compromised your s elf-respect! thelightofaether: For what it's worth: I'm very.. not one of my friends is ki lling themselves while I'm around!!! gangsterrific: haha but you can't always be around.i'll keep reminding myself of that. right? gangsterrific: i know you're right. thelightofaether: Death is never the way out. but I can tell they're coming to you. gangsterrific: i believe you. Just remember that none of it is any of your fault. gangsterrific: i didn't wanna say anything. thelightofaether: But I would take it. but you don't deserve it. thelightofaether: It's a very sad act.i was serious. very proud of you. I wouldn't be able to live you with you..... But killing yourself doesn't solve anything Karen. I know it may not feel like it... gangsterrific: yes. thelightofaether: Do you know how proud of yourself you should be? thelightofaether: In all your pain and suffering.i can't put myself through that. thelightofaether: I mean it probably sounds selfish of me to say how much it wou ld hurt me if I lost you. thelightofaether: Well. you know. thelightofaether: And actually.but i had to get it off my chest... thelightofaether: Really! gangsterrific: *** HUGGING! *** thelightofaether: *** You've been HUGGED! *** thelightofaether: X1000~ gangsterrific: times infinity times that times that times plus 10 thelightofaether: Same to you.. don't you think? gangsterrific: i do agree with you.frankly it would kill me even more. b ut things will get better for you.. gangsterrific: right. But I know your smart enough to talk to someone instead of doing something to hurt yourself. It w ill just break the hearts of the people you leave behind. You said it plain and clear: you're not looking to date someone to fi ll in a hole. You're calmer now. gangsterrific: and i know you would. gangsterrific: thelightofaether: Nothing's worth losing you.. it gets so hard. And how are you being selfish? gangsterrific: by wanting to end my life. Karen! gangsterrific: really? gangsterrific: that really means alot. Karen. you know I would. Why people do it is something we'll never understand. Pl ease talk to me instead. but the pain will eventually subside. But suicide is definitely something faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaar beneath you. I promise. thelightofaether: And if I could take the pain for you. Maybe it won't go the way you want. gangsterrific: i know. Mike probably isn't the person to talk to about that.. thelightofaether: I can when I need to be. And between you and me.gangsterrific: how do you figure that? thelightofaether: Because improvements on breakups are very slight and come very slowly. they say suicide is a very selfish act . and if i had to leave you behind. what actually sealed my belief in this was your last blog. but sometimes the pain is just too much to bear.. Me personally. OK? thelightofaether: But let's change the subject for just a moment here: the whole thing of wanting to kill yourself? Were you serious about that? gangsterrific: thank you.
... gangsterrific: thelightofaether: Maybe gangsterrific: maybe. Thank you. . I do realize it. you know? gangsterrific: i don't want to weigh you down all the time.. Not at all. thelightofaether: It's never a burden... to be sure! gangsterrific: thank you. thelightofaether: You proved this on several occasions. thelightofaether: Maybe my reason for living.i can't help it. thelightofaether: What's up.confronting is not one of my strengths.... thelightofaether: Well you know what? Your ability to confront is one of those i mprovements I mentioned seeing in you.i don't know what to do with all these wonderful compliments. and alot happened that m akes you uneasy about exactly who you can trust. thelightofaether: The past can be very haunting to be sure. thelightofaether: gangsterrific: gangsterrific: ahhh madden.haha..thank you.. thelightofaether: Is this helping you? Are the feelings of hurting yourself gone ? gangsterrific: yes. gangsterrific: me too. past experiences make me paranoid about some things. thelightofaether: Hahaha. Karen? gangsterrific: thelightofaether: *** You've been HUGGED! *** gangsterrific: *** HUGGING! *** thelightofaether: Well I didn't know all of this was bugging you this evening. and not hing makes he happier! gangsterrific: maybe more than true purpose. I know you've been going through the emotional wringer lately.. that's just so sweet. And I also have been through enough that I know it doesn't go away unless you confront those issues. thelightofaether: To me.. but I understand tha t.. Sometimes the tr uth doesn't hurt. It makes me feel like I've really found my true purpose in life. does it? gangsterrific: gangsterrific: you have a way with words. gangsterrific: i don't know if you realize how eternally grateful i am for you.especially when it involves talking to you. remember? gangsterrific: that is true. Excellent. I wish I knew so I could've helped you through it sooner. thelightofaether: Now THAT'S funny! You don't weigh me down.something that I give back... And it is heartwarming--truly h eartwarming--that you know you can come to be..they're gone now. you k now? gangsterrific: maybe more than a reason for living. thelightofaether: You warm me up inside when you say things like that.what compliments? This is the truth. gangsterrific: yes. About as far from it was you can get. And that's another thing I'm very proud of! gangsterrific: gangsterrific: wow.. thelightofaether: And at the same time you're ability to stand up for yourself i s really starting to shine.. and it's something i noticed you're good at when so meone pushes you far enough.gangsterrific: i know the right person to come to. I'll sleep alot better tonigh t then. thelightofaether: gangsterrific: uh oh.... i always worry about being too s elfish.. I mean. gangsterrific: of course i'm here. thelightofaether: Wonderful.
very thoughtful. very special! Last message received at 05/30/2008 01:47 AM gangsterrific: *blush* gangsterrific: my laptop is heating up like crazy.just gotta vaccum for my mom and i believe tha t's it. gangsterrific: and the effect my dear. thelightofaether: Lol.. is sunlight.. thelightofaether: Wow! That ain't bad lol. I've no choice but to give you what you give me. thelightofaether: I still don't know what we're doing tomorrow night. As long as I get a chance to see you guys again. That would be you.thelightofaether: Perhaps I do. Do you? gangsterrific: i haven't the slightest idea.. Get lots of rest tomorrow. truth be told. my best friends.we need a different word. true? gangsterrific: correct. you got me there lol! gangsterrific: hahaha oh yes. plain and simple.. thelightofaether: Well.but in my years I've learned that the truth spe aks for itself!! gangsterrific: gangsterrific: you're so awesome. Makes e verything seem better when you have a good night's sleep. and don't sweat anything.i'll try gangsterrific: i should be going to bed soon lol...guess this is my cue.we'll brainstorm! thelightofaether: Sounds excellent! gangsterrific: gangsterrific: *** HUGGING! *** thelightofaether: *** You've been HUGGED! *** thelightofaether: X infinity forever! gangsterrific: times that times that thelightofaether: Ah.even though i really don't want to... OK? gangsterrific: okay.... But by the last week of June I should be back on days. I don't think there's any magic here.. i love talking to you! thelightofaether: I love talking to you. But I also advise against trying to sleep with bad things on your mind? Did we cover everything in our time together? gangsterrific: i believe we did i swear you're magic. me too. Just two m ature people helping each other out because we have such an awesome frickin frie ndship! I swear "best friend" just doesn't even do you justice anymore.. But don't let me keep you up.. gangsterrific: hehehehe i'm so glad you like it! thelightofaether: Oh yes.. and those who rise even higher than best friends! Last message received at 05/30/2008 01:30 AM gangsterrific: gangsterrific: i feel the same way! thelightofaether: Oh yeah! gangsterrific: times like this i hate when you work so late *pouts* thelightofaether: Yeah.. is it time for bed? gangsterrific: i should. the important thing is for you to get your rest. thelightofaether: Well my dear. . My fri ends.couldn't agree with you more gangsterrific: you need your rest as well. thelightofaether: No. thelightofaether: Well. I don't really mind one way or another wh at we do tomorrow night... gangsterrific: it's nothing new. gangsterrific: thelightofaether: Oh. It'll be here before you know it! gangsterrific: indeed!! thelightofaether: Have you any plans tomorrow? gangsterrific: i don't think so. too. Karen. I'll hav e to find a dictionary I suppose!!! gangsterrific: i agree. I keep reading the note you left me.
Well good night. Karen. you're just so nice.thelightofaether: Yeah. I think I'll take my nightly shot and get to bed very so on. And tonight's toast will definitely be to you! gangsterrific: awe. The very best dreams to you! gangsterrific: good night madden best to you as well!! thelightofaether: Sleep well! I'll talk to you tomorrow! .. gangsterrific: i'll take a shot of water with you!! but it'll be for you!! thelightofaether: Awesome.
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