Ryan Sammartino Sheen Over the course of the past few weeks, a man with a unique genetic makeup

has been stealing headlines, prime time interview spots, and the hearts of porn stars everywhere. The man, of course, is Charlie Sheen. The genes, according to Sheen himself in recent televised statements, include “tiger blood” and “Adonis DNA.” Perhaps it would be more fitting to approach understanding Charlie by first acknowledging his actual genes. Sheen, born Carlos Estevez, is the youngest son of award winning actor Martin Sheen. He is the brother of Emilio, Ramon, and Renee Estevez, and the only child to have eschewed his surname in favor of his father's stage name. Each of his siblings are professional actors, a trade Sheen entered at the age of nine, when most kids were starting to enjoy sports and host sleep-overs . By the time he was twenty, Sheen has several major roles under his belt and was considered an extremely promising young actor. Throughout his career, Sheen was frequently cast as “bad boy” characters, a role mirrored in his personal life for years. Though it became clear early on that Sheen's personality would prevent him from handling his fame and financial success well, nothing could prepare the public for his internet-shattering meltdown in the first quarter of 2011. He showed an affinity for prostitutes and call girls beginning in the '90s, around which time he also revealed a penchant for spousal abuse and “accidental” violence, likely due to his developing drug habits. In that same decade, Sheen still had time to begin and end a one year marriage, overdose on cocaine, and violate the terms of his probation. In 2003, a year after Sheen began his second marriage, Warner Brothers ignored all warning signs and cast Sheen to essentially play himself in the sitcom Two and a Half Men. The

sitcom became an incredible success, due largely to Charlie's ability to effortlessly portray a degenerate wise-cracking sex addict who may or may not have posed serious danger to the members of his nuclear family. Soon, Sheen was the highest payed actor in television history, earning in excess of $1 million dollars per 22 minute episode—a useful sum for a man whose expenses famously included drug abuse and the company of escorts. But Charlie managed to keep things under control for several years. Sure, his second wife filed for divorce in 2005 amidst claims of his alcoholism, drug addiction, and threats of violence. And there was a third marriage, an arrest, a felony charge, a misdemeanor plea, rehab, probation, and anger management classes. By November of 2010, though, Sheen began the process of freeing himself from his third wife and was on top of the world. Fans on the internet raved about his carefree lifestyle, calling him a “bro legend,” “party god,” and “true American hero.” When 2011 rolled around, things started to get out of hand, even by Charlie's already ludicrous standards. At the end of January, Sheen was hospitalized for severe, drug and alcohol related “abdominal pains.” Prior to the hospitalization, Sheen had gone “missing” before it was reported that he had locked himself in a hotel room for several days with almost nothing other than cocaine, alcohol, and a few porn stars. Upon release from the hospital, Sheen began rehab in his home and CBS announced that Two and a Half Men, still Sheen's primary cash cow, was postponed indefinitely. Shortly thereafter, CBS canceled the current season entirely. Around this time, it seems, Charlie rolled out of bed and went on the internet for the first time in years and realized the incredible publicity that his antics had been generating. Never one to shy away from press, Sheen took to the talk show circuit. Dozens of excerpts from the interviews that followed have become popular quotes, blowing up Facebook feeds, sparking memes, and generating twitter hashtags. However, Sheen also made the most costly slip of his

professional career. On a late February radio broadcast, Sheen directed several scathing remarks towards Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre. During the broadcast, Sheen frequently referred to Lorre as Chaim Levine and blasted him for using a “Hollywood name,” appearing to imply that Lorre was hiding his Jewish heritage. Lorre's real last name is in fact Levine. However, his birth name is also Charles. Sheen referred to him as “Chaim” (the hebrew equivalent of Charles) in much the same way a racially intolerant or ignorant person might refer to a Latino named George as “Jorge.” Though Charlie made many statements that were crazier or more incoherent, bashing his show's creator was apparently the last straw for Warner Brothers and CBS. Before the studio could take action, though, Sheen had time to publicly demand a 50% raise, which would bring his salary to roughly $3 million per episode. It's unlikely that Warner Bros ever considered meeting this demand, as they fired Sheen about a week later. Stripped of his ability to earn almost $2 million for a few days of being himself on camera, Sheen returned to his newfound cash cow in hopes of overstaying his welcome on almost every interview show known to man. Within a few more appearances, America realized they had been wrong about Charlie all along. It turns out Sheen is far crazier than anyone could have possibly anticipated. When asked by several interviewers how he was handling his rehab, Charlie declared that he was completely sober. He assured anyone who would listen that Alcoholics Anonymous is a waste of time and effort, and that he had defeated his addictions with a much more effective method. Rather than using traditional rehab, Sheen cured himself “with his mind.” He simply “closed his eyes” and his “disease” was gone. When a skeptical interviewer questioned the legitimacy of Sheen's claims, Charlie was prepared to fire back with his new slogan. He

explained that “drug tests don't lie. Scoreboard doesn't lie. Winning.” “Winning,” of course, has become a popular catchphrase since Sheen unleashed it on the world. It seems to be a cumulative measure of mostly legal consequence-free drug consumption and frequent group sex encounters with prostitutes and porn stars (and having the money to continue doing so for two decades). During this process, Sheen also reinvented his house to match his modern lifestyle. He renamed it “Sober Valley Lodge,” and populated it with a unique and “supportive” nuclear family. Sheen enjoys the constant companionship of his two “goddesses” (because wives weren't cutting it), a pornstar named Bree Olson and a former model named Natalie Kenly, along with his two three year-old sons. Public response to Sheen's antics (on the internet, at least) has been overwhelmingly positive. “Winning” appeared as a Facebook status for thousands of users, a label on motivational posters, and even a brand name for a fictitious cologne. Parodies appeared at a remarkable rate on Youtube and social networking sites. Hundreds of aspiring musicians remixed popular songs with Charlie Sheen quotes. Sheen set a Guinness World record by gaining 1 million Twitter followers in the shortest time span—roughly three days. “Fans” were so thrilled with Sheen's constant stream of one-liners that they have managed to completely ignore the marketing agency that composes tweets for Charlie (he's expected to earn a paltry $1-2 million from Twitter in 2011). Sheen even planned a comedy tour. Tickets sold out for every venue roughly twenty minutes after they went on sale. But in the weeks leading up to the tour, the world seemed to move on. Between an earthquake in Japan, a racist bikini model/UCLA student, and Rebecca Black's hit “Friday,” the internet found better things to talk about. When Charlie made his first tour appearance on Saturday in Detroit, the atmosphere at first was reminiscent of a hybrid cult

meeting/political rally. Things got ugly after a few minutes when audience members realized they were watching old news. Perhaps, as Sheen's three ex-wives claim, watching a crazy person lose his mind is more fun when you're at a safe viewing distance.

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