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Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Always try to be modest and be proud of it! Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Chocolate: the OTHER major food group. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
and forget to start again? . for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me. it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together. Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery. Ever stop to think. but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. for I may not lead.Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass? Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy. Do not walk ahead of me. have you noticed how popular it remains? Did anyone see my lost carrier? Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick. Despite the cost of living. Just leave me alone. Eagles may soar. why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk? Death is hereditary. Double your drive space. You might hit a bump and spill your drink. you can't be promoted. Do not walk behind me. Daddy. Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I. Don't drink and drive. if you can't be replaced. Delete Windows! Duct tape is like the force. Don't take life too seriously. Error. Don't be irreplaceable. either. no keyboard. Press F1 to continue. you won't get out alive. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Hard work has a future payoff. Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. Genius does what it must.Everyone has a photographic memory. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Teach him how to fish. Generally speaking. you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. and you had best do what you're told. small stain. Honk if you want to see my finger. Get a new car for your spouse. Some don't have film. and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. Only used once. Visualize using your turn signal. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. He who laughs last thinks slowest. never opened. Friends help you move. Friends may come and go. For Sale: Parachute. Forget world peace. Few men act theirs. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Laziness pays off now. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. Real friends help you move bodies. but enemies tend to accumulate. it'll be a great trade! Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. talent does what it can. . Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Few women admit their age.
so I made your horn louder. I don't suffer from insanity. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. I said I was going to blame you. . I just got lost in thought. but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. Now he's gone. I won't rise to the occasion. I need someone really bad. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. Now I'm not sure. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Are you really bad? I poured Spot remover on my dog. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. and then it broke. I used to have a handle on life. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. I used to be indecisive. I tried sniffing Coke once. I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. I didn't say it was your fault.How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? How does Teflon stick to the pan? How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand. I enjoy every minute of it. It was unfamiliar territory. but I'll slide over to it.
what color does it turn? If you get to it and you can't do it. I can slam on my brakes and sue you! If you can't convince them. skydiving is not for you. that's the time to do it. It IS as bad as you think. confuse them. destroy all evidence that you tried. It's always darkest before dawn. If you choke a smurf. If you lend someone $20. some parts are missing! I'm writing a book. why do you have to buy her friends? If ignorance is bliss. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. you must be orgasmic. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. If at first you don't succeed. well there you jolly well are. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. try missing a couple of car payments. If Barbie is so popular.I'm not a complete idiot. If you can read this. I've got the page numbers done. and never see that person again. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper. and they ARE out to get you. If you think nobody cares if you're alive. . If at first you don't succeed. If you haven't much education you must use your brain. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. aren't you. it was probably worth it.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. Roy. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. My mind is like a steel trap. I'm reloading. meet interesting people. Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.It's lonely at the top. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Never mess up an apology with an excuse. I'm stuffed! Multitasking means screwing up several things at once. Never miss a good chance to shut up. Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control. . Montana: At least our cows are sane! More hay. but everyone else thinks you're an asshole. and kill them. Join the Army. rusty and illegal in 37 states. Keep honking. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. Jesus loves you. but you eat better. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. Trigger? No thanks. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
Out of my mind. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. I must hurry. Pentiums melt in your PC. Remember half the people you know are below average. Back in five minutes. you have different fingers. Quickly. . not in your hand. Vanity is what others have. You'll need it to blow up your date! Sex is like air. somewhere may be happy. Oh Lord. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Oops. Plan to be spontaneous. who put a stop payment on my reality check? On the other hand. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. for there go my people and I am their leader. tomorrow. Collect the whole set Save your breath. it's not important unless you aren't getting any. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Pride is what we have. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. give me patience. Save the whales. and GIVE IT TO ME NOW! Okay.Never test the depth of the water with both feet. My brain just hit a bad sector.
some days you are the windshield. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! Support bacteria. the longer God makes you live. Some days you are the bug. The colder the x-ray table. Others just gargle. It moved to Finland. The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. Now Santa Claus is missing. but the second mouse gets the cheese. . the more of your body is required on it.Smile. Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface. it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. they're the only culture some people have. The more you complain. The early bird may get the worm.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear. There's too much blood in my caffeine system. to steal from many is research. Then things got worse. unfortunately it kills all of its students. wet and hungry. Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship. There are two theories to arguing with women.The shortest distance between two points is under construction. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. Neither one works. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. it is often necessary to rise above your principles. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. The universe is a figment of its own imagination. Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! What happens if you get scared half to death twice? What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? . now beam down my clothes. Very funny Scotty. There's no future in time travel. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. Time is the best teacher. how about a fountain of smart? We were born naked. To succeed in politics. Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. We have enough youth.
Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you. you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. but you're still an idiot.What's the speed of dark? When everything's coming your way. You are depriving some poor village of its idiot. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? Who stopped payment on my reality check? Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Why is abbreviation such a long word? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word. When there's a will. You have the right to remain silent. I want to be in it. When you don't know what you are doing. do it neatly. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you! Your gene pool could use a little chlorine. . Your kid may be an honors student.
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