--------------------POST REJECTION* ----------------a tranquil message the worst happened, in the worst way possible.

while i knew there was a high probability i would be rejected, i never took emily as a girl who was a liar. i was honestly, sincerely, tricked. it was done very profesionally as well. as though some demon knew that i had such a strong passion for my beliefs, and that it would take a very professional person to lower my guard to destroy them. i now understand why being ignored is the ultimate insult. being ignored is like being treated lower than dirt. it is a feeling of being so worthless that you are not even worth the rejection. it is true pain. she finally read my feelings, as it alerted me when she had looked at them. i finally got a response...not in the form of a phone call, but in a message. before i read the message, the devil appeared. "i am here to inflict the pain you deserve. the pain you deserve for being a very evil person, in your past life. it is part of the contract." "ah," i said. "so that explains why i have always been punished." i smiled. "very well, do as you please." the devil took swords, daggers, drills, knives, needles, saws, pliers, sharp glass...he took every painful item known to man. he took them all, and readied himself as i began to read. "i honestly don't know what to say because i just met you and i feel so over whelmed with the emails you gave me. We hang out we had fun and i see you as an awesome friend but you know that i have a boyfriend even though he and I are having a really bad time right now. thats why i didnt want to kiss you on the lips i try not to lead you on but i guess being nice and friendly did." the devil took a hot iron and forced it against the back my neck. it burned. "yes i held your hand because you put your hand there i didnt want to be mean and just stop you and i thought it was friendly." i felt glass slice against my ribs, and the devil took pliers and broke a few fingers. "and you lay next to me cause you wanted to its not like i had sex with you." i was stabbed in the kidneys a few times. this time i could hear a chainsaw revving behind me, but i read on without hesitation. "I dont think i did anything wrong its not like i said we should be together i didnt give you false hope I was just being a good friend and sweet to you and dont you think it was a good thing that i didnt kiss you? because if I did kiss you and then ignore you that would be fucked up? so please dont make me feel like an asshole for being nice." i was doubled over in pain as my ears were brutally sawed off. blood was everywhere. i felt the devil stick needles into my stomach so that i felt a very sick feeling and was cold all over. i was choking but i kept reading.

"if i would of know that letting you sleep next to me were to hurt your feelings then i would of end up sleeping somehwere else cause i thought it was friendly and i didnt make moves on you i passed the hell out.. it was your choice to rub my back and do the things you did.. i didnt ask you to do it but i thought hey he is just being sweet. so i know for a fact i didnt fuck you over because i didnt give you false hope." an axe was rammed into my back. another axe. another. i was slammed in the head a few times with a club. i heard the devil breathing a little heavy from his effort, and saw him wipe a little sweat from his forehead. he swung the club a few more times so that my forehead was bleeding. he had to rest momentarily. but i had to keep reading. "i am not having a good night..... i have to go... fuck..." and that was it. the devil was too tired to continue with the torture from all the pain he inflicted on me. i offered to use the gun that lay on the table, but he motioned that it was ok and i could get a free pass on that final line. but then i realized something. i looked around and realized that the devil wasn't actually there. all the weapons weren't real. but then why was the pain so intense just now? and why...why do i still feel the pain, even with the devil gone? how is the pain so real if all those weapons and the devil weren't actually there? it was a pretty funny situation. i began to laugh even though it hurt to do so. i kind of laughed as tears streamed and i was still in shock from all the pain. i laughed because it was funny how after i felt so right, i couldn't have been more wrong. the funniest joke of all. that someone who feels the most confident in their beliefs, has been believing the wrong things this whole time. i wrote a final message back to emily, and asked her to think about things one last time. but, after i sent that message...i understood i had failed already. i understood that despite all the sense i made, my imagined happiness was already shattered into nothing. i understood that when my laughter and shock wore off, i would have nothing that could keep me stable. i had embarassed myself, lowered my own value, become the very desperate fool girls complain of, and felt like it was the first girl who i fell for, all over again. the one when i was 7 years old...amanda...she moved away. i remember now. isn't that funny. i remember that the first girl i loved moved away, and i now know the pain i felt then also. wait though. there was still a gun on the table that the devil took a break from using. somehow it remained real. i grinned. i decided to have one last dream, and then when i awoke i felt good knowing that there was in fact a way to end the pain. to use the devils gun or not, my dream would probably decide. i hope i dream of something nice, like maybe emily saying "i felt the same...i wish you said this sooner." "i wish you told me because i was too busy crying these past few days about how bad he treats me and i had lost your number." "but i love you too matt, please come and see me. i just feel like you are definately the person to make me happy. i'm so glad i met you. i was just afraid that maybe it meant nothing to you, and i'm so happy it did. maybe we can finally be the people who can just relax and be happy...the way it should be. there's no reason either of us should suffer anymore...it meant a lot when we talked about that. it wasn't the alcohol matt, i chose to sleep with you because i liked you. because your eyes looked real. i held your hand because it felt right, because i felt close to you. i let you kiss my neck because i wanted it. i let you hold me because i wanted it. i would've let you do anything, but you were so sweet you just wanted to take care of me. anyone else would've

probably abused me or raped me. but not you. you are different. i care about you too, matt. i love you too. i really, really love you. i'm going to get out of this cycle of abuse and try something new with you. i can't be sure but i had a sense about you too. i said that you were a good man and that your so honest and great because i secretly wanted you for myself. i said that you were hot as fuck because i wanted you for myself. i sat with you in the jacuzzi and i layed with you at night because it felt good. i gave you a hug so big that it lasted for minutes and pushed us both back and forth, because i really cared about you. i gave you my number because i wanted you to call. it's all because i really liked you matt." as i slept, i smiled at the thought of such a nice dream. "i wouldn't have done any of those things 'just to be nice', i don't know what i was thinking in that message. i guess i was just upset and felt the need to stay loyal to some abusive asshole. but you helped me see what's right matt. you helped me admit the truth. your words had the power to change what would usually happen. i understand you now. i want you, and you deserve me. do you forgive me? can we be together? i'm willing to try if you are. i just hope you don't run off with some other pretty girl." i grinned. i grinned and grinned until i laughed. i laughed and laughed until i was out of breath. i breathed heavy and just imagined that being real...then laughed at how funny and stupid it was. no way she would do or say that, because how could any of it be true? i liked to make the joke though, just because it felt good to assume i wasn't that stupid. i was very stupid you see, since i couldn't see that all these true things that happened in my joke...were just because emily was being nice. i had the stupidity of thinking it really meant something. ah, my foolishness always cracks me up. it always makes me burst out laughing. it's kind of funny too, i seem to cry when i laugh now. the crying seems to not stop either. it's a strange feeling. even when i'm not physically crying...i can feel somewhat of a light, sick, cold feeling on the inside from that devil's needle. it must be a permanent injection. sorry to end the story with that joke. i know it seemed all serious until i made it funny. hahaha. it is kind of funny to think that a girl could really say something like that...to me? hahahahah. ahh it seems that i like to really joke with myself sometimes. and i actually really believed those things. hahahahahahahahah. i am laughing as i write this. it's too funny. to really believe that another human being could feel like that from doing those things. in such a short time frame. even with a boyfriend or a girlfriend. to actually fall in love with a stranger. ahh if i laugh anymore i will just run out of tears and breath. time to end the joke in the funniest way of all. that's when the devil's gun went off, and the audience had a good laugh too. ---------------------------------------------