Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011 Remembering Selina

I'm going to tell you a story about a girl, a girl who changed my life. She changed my view of life in every aspect. She found the good in every simple thing, and she viewed life differently than anyone else. I never will forget her.

Anonymous LA 3rd March 1, 2011

“Leukemia.” The doctor whispered, his words sinking deep into my flesh like a deadly poison. “What?” I whispered in reply. The doctor sighed, a look of sorrow swept over his face. “You have leukemia.” My mother who had been close to me, who had been holding my hand the whole time, who was supposed to be the strongest person, who was able to withstand any trial that faced her way, still couldn't hide her distress and grieve. She put her face in her hands and sobbed. “It is cruel, really,” the doctor began, “that such an ill fate would be disposed on someone so young, beautiful, and alive such as you.” Everything that day seemed to drag on in a blur, me being oddly disconnected with my body, if I were passenger, not driver of my body. The word death seemed to constantly be in my mind, haunting me if it were so close. I will never forget those words, that one simple word that escaped from the doctors mouth, that changed the rest of my life. Leukemia. One simple word that brought me so much pain and doubt. Realization struck me, like a knife stabbed in my heart. I was going to die.

trying to smile but one hardly coming....” I told them.Anonymous LA 3rd March 1. looking me in bewilderment.. 2011 Selina The late autumn wind cut through my bones but I could still feel the warmth of the sun against my skin. Last Saturday we had had our biggest cross country meet of the season.. something I had worked so hard on. tan. .. “Selina. and I had gotten 2nd place in the high school girls division.. I loved that feeling. “One sec guys.... people who were my greatest friends. Finally the whole cross country team burst through the front doors of the school. and there was no way to turn back. my best friend. I sat on the bench outside the school.. tall.So easy indeed. and who could talk to each other about anything. and we had just gotten out of school for the day. why I wasn't dressed for our normal practice. I couldn't believe I was giving this up... “Aren't you gonna get dressed Sel?” Rose asked. are you coming to practice?” Will asked. blond. As the cross country team realized I approached them they looked at me in bewilderment also. Sel. It was Monday. Coach Will followed the rest of the team out of the doors. So much had happened since then. “Ya. what are you doing?” asked Sam.. resulting in a big 1st place trophy for our school. getting ready to start practice. No one appreciates life to its full extent until they realize death awaits them behind the door. This was my family... and our coach. who could laugh about anything. who’s spunky attitude never ceased to stop. Coach Will made eye contact as I sat on the bench outside the front doors... Will was in his late 20’s. the door you are opening. So many people didn't realize how easy it was for life to be taken away. watching life..

to tell all my friends my fate. Never.. “Selina. thinking in uncertainty of how I was going to die. for me to be better. Sadness rushed through me as I realized I had to speak the words. the person who had taught me endurance and strength. his deep tan face. Rose grasped Derik’s hand. 2011 Will walked with me a few feet away where we could have a little more peace and quiet. A tear crept down my cheek. words that had replayed over and over in my head over these past two days. and as he did the crowd fell silent. He then chuckled. I couldn't bring myself to say those words... And I was. “What’s wrong. and I looked at the ground. . but I never thought that would be my fate. being able to read my emotions in the blink of an eye. “Coach. A tear slid down my cheek slowly. Every eye was on me. “Guys. and big blue eyes. never had I given that simple word a second thought. as if assurance would come silently.Anonymous LA 3rd March 1. you are the best on this team. “Sel is quitting?” I heard a few people whisper from the crowd. his voice raising more. I sighed.” I said. He looked at me in utter bewilderment. Horror struck faces spread throughout the crowd. and then looking back up at them again. but also never to give up. I'm quitting. I have leukemia. Leukemia. Do you realize what you are possibly giving up with this?” As he said this tears welled up in my eyes.” I said picking at my nails. returning my gaze back to him. to back to the way it was. I was too young to have my precious moments of life toyed with. “Yes. All I could hear was the wind blowing. Sel?” Will said. me not being able to look in my coach’s eyes. I do..” I whispered. That word I had heard so many times in my life. and taken away. whipping all of our hair around. not always wondering. “Then why are you quitting?” Will said. “Why?” Awestruck faces spread throughout the crowd. All I truly wanted was for life to be normal.

your only sixteen. but I do. “I know.Anonymous LA 3rd March 1. My life would never be the same. 2011 “But Sel.” Sam started.” I whispered. . and I started walking towards it without a second glance to the team. I opened up the front door. and climbed inside. but then I cut him off. My mom’s car pulled up. his face pale with fear. but refusing to believe what I had just told him. refusing to look back.

“Not to Selina. . not one person talked whispered or even made one. We sat there thinking of what was just said. not to Selina. to horrible to be true.Anonymous LA 3rd March 1. I saw tears filling up some people’s eyes. “No. small sound. We all looked to Will. Selina. Silence filled the air. who could climb to the tops of any tree. “It happens. Someone who could run miles and hardly break a sweat. but loud enough for us to hear him. as if it was grieving also. 2011 Rose As Selina drove away.” Sam whispered.” I whispered. who had leukemia. who was smart. The only thing we could hear was the wind howling a cry.” Will replied. Never in my life had I seen Will’s voice feel so uncertain.

her face pale and her recently hung up phone in her hand. I remember that day perfectly. 2011 Selina My mom and I drove home in silence.” she replied softly. “Come here. “What mom?” I yelled through the house. The rain had kept me trapped inside all day long and when it finally stopped and the sun came out. My father was dead. and grabbed my flip flops so it would at least look to my mom I was going to wear shoes. Never before had life seemed so pointless to me. My dad had recently died last summer in a car crash. “Your fathers dead. a tear streaking down his cheek. those last words of my father replaying unstoppable times. and would never see him again. My dad was driving down to downtown Tucson. her makeup smeared with tears. oak door when I heard my mom’s voice from the living room. and said “I love you. put a pair of short shorts and a tank top. Before he had left he kissed all of us. walking towards the living room. His death had changed my life. which was only about forty five minutes away. I put my long brown hair in a loose bun. As I entered the living room I saw my mom. I lived with my mom and brother in Tucson Arizona. Selina. I sat silently and watched out the window as life raced by.Anonymous LA 3rd March 1. “I love you. as if her words were being forced from her mouth in pain. her voice trembling and the tone of her voice changing. I longed to feel the muddy ground against my bare feet and the coldness of the air as it entered my lungs.” before he raced out of the door. Jack sat on the couch across from her. and I was getting ready to go outside.” His every . For countless nights that summer I would stay up into the deep hours of the night. his face expressionless as he stared off into space. and it had taken only one small turn of the steering wheel to end his life almost instantly. She looked up towards me. My brother older brother. I was reaching for the handle of our big. It had been raining all day long. “What’s wrong?” I asked.” What I felt that day cannot ever be expressed in words.

my uncontrollable dreams haunting me. All that was left of him were memories. 2011 expression that day was clear and vivid in my head. I would try to help him. bloody body in the burning car. never measured up to the true happiness of me knowing that he was simply alive. not a scratch or bruise on myself. That summer was like living in hell. .Anonymous LA 3rd March 1. I would see my dad’s mangled. that no matter how many times would replay in my mind. I would be in the car with him. but each time i tried Death would come and take him away forever. his body shaking uncontrollably. Almost every night that summer I would wake up screaming. Every childhood memory of us together would replay in my mind also.

Finally. . It was purple. In our backyard there is a huge downward hill. It had a couch on the right side of it. We sat there in silence. I also had a balcony overlooking all of our land. and be down before any of the other branches could think about snapping against my weight. I had discovered this tree years’ ago. And I walked off.” I whispered. In between the two hills there was a small. I walked through our long tiled hallway. hardly navigable. but as a child I explored every secret that lurked in that forest. endless. about twenty five feet. I put on my usual shorts and tank top. 2011 Selina “How was school?” My mom asked as we pulled up our driveway. without any distractions. our car slowly heating up in this September heat. when I reached the top of the hill. She still remained silent. this was the one place I could escape the uncertainty of life. almost a cliff in fact. “I’m going inside. and then after that there was a hill going upward basically like a cliff also.Anonymous LA 3rd March 1. as I opened the door to the car. up to our big. to my sanctuary. But whatever I was doing. On the northern side of the hill there was a huge forest. My mom sighed.” I replied without looking back at her. by twenty five feet. I had a desk with a Mac computer. all of its branches of the trees were entwined into a thicket. freshwater. endless in fact. looking in her lap. to only the thoughts of my own mind. where everything was fine. watching dawn or sunset. oak front door. I walked up the steps of our balcony. I had spent so many summers here at this tree. This was the one place where I could think. I have to take Jack to football practice soon. I then went back outside to see my mom finally closing the door of the car. At the top of the hill there was a tree. with the outside world racing around me.” I replied. I started down the downward hill. and a flat screened TV in the right corner. filled with its unkindness. and then started up the upward hill. I'll be fine. and my king sized bed on the left. and then I came to my bedroom. Our backyard was huge. or thinking. our big beautiful house at the end of it. and I had climbed it so many times now that I could race to the top. I could see for miles and miles on end. where I could escape. to its very highest branches. she had been quite since we discovered the news. Will you be okay here alone?” “Yes mom. “Long. “Hey. each time I walked up it my calves were aching within seconds. She automatically knew where I was going without a second glance. ditching my unconformable school clothes. the one place I could escape the world and its uncertainty. rushing river.

. such a precious thing.. .. 2011 I climbed to the highest treetops and watched life....Anonymous LA 3rd March 1....

Jack Hudson.. Sam. Sam sighed on the other line.” Sam's voice faded out.. Sam replied back. “Fine. As time ticked away. I sent the text.. my voice shaking. Why the hell can’t you just tell me what happened Sam? I have just the right to know as you.. Sam. Selina.. and rang. “Just tell me. Fine.unless it was something serious.. calculus homework.. I picked up my phone. No.. started to vibrate.. doing endless pages of calculus homework.. desperate to know what could happened to her. I thought...... Seconds raced by. who was a junior... I racked my brain again thinking why he couldn't just simply just tell me what happened. Selina.. It would probably hurt you most of all. I became even more frantic of what could have happened to her. my phone vibrated again. Maybe it’s not in my authority to tell you. His phone rang. . knowing that they wouldn't keep a secret from me unless it was bad.what happened? I sent another text. I picked up my phone and moved my fingers across the keyboard as fast as they could. My phone. “I’ll ask her myself.” I replied back again.” I replied back to Sam. unlocked the pass code. ending the call and racing out my door. I had an incoming text coming from Sam.Anonymous LA 3rd March 1.. Jack would have told me if it was anything serious... “What?” Sam finally answered. and rang. and read the text.I loved her. Jared.. I didn't get another text until 5 minutes later.... I slid open the keyboard to reply. and I had been best friends for years.what was wrong with her?? I racked my brain to think of what could have possibly happened to her.. 2011 Jared I sat at my desk.. and I frantically picked up my phone. Did you hear about Selina? Sam replied. desperate to receive an answer.. I thought to myself. “You won’t like it.. As soon as I was beginning to think that Sam wasn't going to answer back...... I picked up the phone and dialed his number. What’s up? The text said. I sent the text as fast as I could... next to all my stacked up books.” I said. He’s probably right.. until what felt like hours.. Nothing much.

well our land bordered each other’s.” she said looking back at me. her house came into view. But I refused to stop. oak door. I sighed. but I was.. My chest pounded uncontrollably. “Never before have I looked at life in this perspective. where she had spent one summer. grieving and in pain.Anonymous LA 3rd March 1. no she couldn't have leukemia. “With leukemia. 2011 The Hudson's and my family shared land.” she started. I could see her figure in the treetops.” She whispered... but I couldn't even reassure myself. The September sun of Tucson made me break out in sweat within minutes.” “Sel. Not Sel. I didn’t know what was driving me. . and to the one place that Selina could be. you’re not going to die.” she began “I do. my body shuddered in pain. as they called it.” I said.” She sighed again. and about 18 years ago they both bought land next to each other and both built their “dream” house. Death. When she said that word. I had to know. “Jared?” she whispered. she looked away. ran down the steps. who I had known for so long. “Don't say that to me Sel. looking deep in her eyes for some sign of reassurance. I rounded the corner of her driveway.” Sel began. and as I said this. wooden. I slammed the screen door of the kitchen and started running down the long gravel road that connected our house to the Hudson's. where she could escape life. not now. Sel?” “Nothing. Never before has Death seemed so close. “What happened?” I replied.. never before have I cherished every moment I spend. driving me two think of the worse. in fear. She sighed.. my voice cracking in fear. the only thing we could hear was our own breathing. Selina turned towards me in confusion. Those words seemed too terrible to be true. “Maybe it’s not that bad. None came.. “I’m sick. Jared.. Sweat burst from my body. “What happened. There was one more possible place that Sel was. forcing tears not to come. “Jared. trying to reassure her. some sign that she was fine. Not like this.. I ran out the balcony door. There was silence. and I couldn’t live in this doubt. I breathed hard. and raided through the house only to realize no one was home. As I got to the top of the hill. who I loved. and we could continue life without any fear or doubt. watching the sun as it crept towards the horizon. I opened the front.. her face streaked with tears. Jared. Not beautiful Selina.” I replied. “Sel?” I called out. Our parents had been friends all throughout college and high school. tears beginning to stream back down her face. that it might be my last breaths alive.

hands." She said. but it was still remained flawless. have you lost all courage and faith? You are the one that wired your brain to believe you could accomplish the impossible. I stood there. returning her gaze back to the world around her. “You can get through this. as if she knew every part of the tree so well. thinking of all the things Sel had told me. We stood there in a few moments of silence. step by step. my only instinct was to reach out my arms. The sun was shining for the last minutes of the day. her intense blue eyes seemed to pierce through the shadows and look right though me. it’s last rays being the only light in the endless sky. breaking the long silence. "Sorry. I still remember those moments perfectly. I held her there for the slightest moment. hovering over our heads. Sel’s brown hair blew in the wind. It would never be the same. I looked back up at Selina. as she had just had just fallen 5 feet. her feet now on the ground. the sun crept towards the horizon. and started the walk back to her house. no one knowing what to say or do.” she said. “Before it gets to dark. angry that she could possibly not have any hope." I stammered.” Sel replied once again. “Sel. Her life had changed so dramatically in just a small amount of time. but angry." she finished. As she neared the last branch. and try to catch her. I looked in her blue eyes and she look in mine for small moments.Anonymous LA 3rd March 1. my ever mistake or decision I had made in this life vulnerable for her to see. as if she could see into my heart and mind. Sel. "Thanks. She fell into my arms. and as she fell. as she sat in the tree. and we will be there with you. . lowering herself down. I was not only fearful. "Thanks. My arms ached as all her weight went down on my arms. Jared. “I should probably go. and her whole body moving in a fluid motion. Slowly. almost in slow motion. but refusing to look at me. her feet slipped. it's rays barely lighting the orange and pink horizon. She sighed. breaking the long silence. returning her gaze back onto me. her in my arms.” Sel finally said. I promise” There was silence. and then she looked away. angry that she could possibly and willingly let her life diminish. words flowing from my mouth not knowing where they had come from. before it had completely fell. “Doctors say it’s not looking good. "For listening. 2011 When Sel said these words. "For what?" I replied. and even with hardly any light. her feet. and the dark blue sky that sunlight had already escaped.” I said.” She started making her way down from the tree. putting her down. being light up by the sun's red and misty shadows.

It was like a veil was in between my own thoughts and the gnawing reality that zoomed past me. but I still felt like I was cast out. School seemed to drag on in a haze and blur. Before that talk. different than anyone else. I was ready for some small hope. Some spark had been litten in my heart that day. almost 2 months after being diagnosed.. possibly my last moments. At school I had met his gaze several times. and act differently than normal. As I would walk past people in the hallway. just a boy I had grown up with. ticking away. and slowly my hair might fall out as a result of the chemicals put into my body.. changed his perspective of me in a way. blue eyes. 2011 Selina Chemotherapy would begin on Monday. he had just been like a brother to me. I wanted some hope. his sandy blond hair. Doctors warned I might have constant stomach aches. a spark that in the future never died out. like that one night he had caught my one small fall out of that tree. built arms. but now. Weeks passed by.. My thoughts were never clear. Jared was right.. I could see a look of pity shadow there face. but I dreaded for that day to come. nausea.Anonymous LA 3rd March 1. As my treatment neared. just my older brother's friend. Why had I never . the 24 of December. and Tucson tan skin had changed the way I thought of him also. people would be with me every step I took. every time I tried to think everything was indistinct. It was if our secret talk had changed him. When Jared would come over to hang out with Jack he would always ask me how I was. and not feel constantly vulnerable with the sickness eating inside of me. I was ready to start looking for some cure..

I closed my eyes. Those steps to the doctor’s office were the longest in my life. A small part of this huge world. The doctor who was the one that told me I had leukemia sat me down on the patient table and took my heart beat. just wanting for this to be over. and I stepped forward. and my mom and I returned home. I could feel my heart pounding out of my chest and the infected blood as it flowed through my body. I really was a small part of this huge world. Lately I had been so ." Doctor Jacobson started. Finally the doctor called my name. I sat in my tree." I nodded. I sat still. "Hopefully this treatment give you back the life that you used to live. and the sun as it made and arc throughout the sky. My mom came over to the patient table and held my hand." "Well. and closed my eyes harder and harder. thinking of what I what I really did feel. Finally treatment ended. I sat in my bedroom for a while until I couldn’t take it anymore. We sat in the waiting room. almost going slow motion through my arm. "So Selina. "Anxious. 2011 appreciated what my body simply for what it was and what it could do before all this had happened? Selina The day of treatment finally came. what felt like hours. Mom took me to the hospital while Jack was at school. as if it would draw away the pain of the needle being injected into my skin and deep into my veins. how are you feeling?" Doctor Jacobson asked.Anonymous LA 3rd March 1. and the hills and mountains that surrounded me. I felt a stab. and looked in my mouth. and the tree's sway. Scarred. watching the wind blow. blood pressure. I clenched my mom’s hand tighter and tighter. filled with a clear liquid that might change my life. watching. Doctor Jacobson approached my table with a huge needle.

the same as the first treatment. brown hair I had worked so hard to grow out started coming out. My bare feet ran across the soft. put my long. a side effect of the chemo. I ran.. it slipped through my fingers. My brother. the 6th appointment of injected treatment. The doctors gave me pills to take once a week. all week. Overall. For once in a long time. It continued like any other treatment. It was one of the long nights where your whole previous day races through your head over and over again. Time flew by. The chemo was kicking in quite fast. and icy.. It was the 20th of January. I forced myself to go to school that next week.. The doctors had to do a series of tests including red and white blood cell counts. desperate to finish the last week of school. and I had gotten out of school a little early. Being here alone brought some sort of clarity and icy thinking that I hadn't had in weeks. 2011 concerned of what the rest of my life was going to be like. I got up. There was so much more. Every childhood memory raced by in a hazy fog. not moving.Anonymous LA 3rd March 1. I had a pounding headache that set my whole head on fire. barely thinking. The chemo still had its side effects. cold ground. The break from school gave me some time to think. and I hadn’t slept all night long. my junior year of high school was over.. I had hope. able to do anything. I couldn’t sleep. It all started the third week of summer. put on my flip flops. I was glad for summer. Through the beginning of May all students were slammed with homework and studying for finales. strips of my long. and over time. I neared my second treatment. driving me mad. It was May 5th. I had no energy at all and I had completely lost my whole appetite. Slowly. About a week after the 2nd treatment. and Jared all graduated. Weeks passed by. wavy brown hair in a loose bun. and I continued to take my pills. Dew fogged the ground. as if all the problems of the world zoomed around me. and I started to forget about all my problems. escaping.. Before I could grasp onto it. The smell of the air made my mind clear. It was like I was just normal again. vivid. Months passed. We went to the hospital and I got injected through the vein with the medicine. ran up and down the hills. my thoughts clear. It was about 5:30 in the morning. and April zoomed by. I opened up our oak door. And then I couldn’t take it anymore. I just sat in my bed. About two weeks after my 6th treatment my first side effects of the drugs began. February. invincible. I couldn’t think clearly. which was one the most angering side effects. Sam. my body like it used to be. March. . and silently crept out of the house. I almost forgot about my problems. I laid in bed and let the small morning breeze creep through my open window. to be alone without raging reality around me. I had to go into the hospital again for a checkup. I stayed home the 20th of May. Before I knew it.. I was doing better.

and the cold ground against my feet. 2011 As I approached my tree there was already a figure. stammering.. Sel. looking at the world... "Jared?" I asked him.." "It’s amazing isn't it?" I whispered. Jared." I said sitting down next to him. It was Jared." That day. or rain to fall? What’s driving it? “I don’t think any of us can know here. it's fine. back slummed against the trunk of the tree. I went back to my house at noon. "What makes the sun rise. my constant need to be outside. Tan from being in the Tucson sun. my face and arms sunburned from the raging sun outside." He said.. . Sandy blond hair. no." Jared began.. sitting on the ground. I went to my room and fell asleep. Their face was shadowed. Everything here is mind opening. me and Jared talked for hours into the day. "or the stars shine. all of life awakening with it. "So. no.. Jared understood me." The sun began to come over the horizon.. "You were right Sel. We talked about everything. This is the one place anyone can think clearly. "Oh.. He jumped. what are doing here?" I asked. He sighed. "Yes. I woke up three days later in the hospital.Anonymous LA 3rd March 1.. getting up and ready to leave.. wind to blow. "No. to feel the beating sun against your skin. but as I drew nearer their features became more clear and recognizable. Sharp cheek bones and jaw. sorry.

Sam was driving. and brought us right in front of a truck. like it was on fire. going over 75 miles per hour. He didn’t answer. without even thinking how stupid it was. We were messing around and singing with the radio. and I punched his arm. Everywhere screamed like a fire was demolishing it. waiting for the sirens to signal that help was on the way. "Sam?" I barely managed to whisper when our car had finished rolling. Semi’s were zooming by. The steering wheel lurched to the left. and sending it both into mine and Sam's skin. I felt warm blood as it seeped through my clothes. Small moments after I had pushed the steering wheel forward. Both Sam and I were laughing. Suddenly everything was consumed into darkness.   .Anonymous LA 3rd March 1. I had told Sam to stop messing around and pay attention to the freeway. and all I could do now was wait. 2011 Jared Sam and I had just finished touring Tucson college and were driving home. breaking all the glass of the windows. The impact lurched my neck forward and made my whole body scream. All I could do was wait helplessly as pain spread. The truck hit us and it was the worse feeling I have ever felt. My head spun. I knew what was going to happen. but after a while it didn’t matter. It was about 12 at night. Our car rolled about four times.

It was Jared. A wave of sadness rushed through him as he knelt next to the girl who lay next to him. I cried myself into my dreams. "Jared?" I called out. "What happened mom?" I whispered tears falling down my cheeks.Anonymous LA 3rd March 1. invincible. Sel. "It’s okay. I flew through the air doing twists and turns. I sat up fast. I fell back down onto my pillow and my bed that was wet with my sweat." "No. tears flowing down her cheeks." my mom said. 2011 Selina I woke up to my mom stroking my hair and sweat engulfing my whole body. I cried for half an hour. It's okay. making my whole body tremble and a piercing pain run up my spine and into my head. my mind filled with the icy clarity that I got from being outside. He didn’t hear me. I thought to myself. only to see two people already there. He didn’t look at me. "What’s wrong with me?" "Sshhh. I went into panic. not even taking to notice the few nurses that came and checked on me once a while. My mom left my side and exited the hospital room. desperate to know. a girl who I didn’t recognize." my mom said trying to reassure me again. and a girl. what’s wrong with me?" I said crying even harder. and right before I hit the ground I would slow. "Am I going to die?" I whispered. What the hell was wrong with me. tears falling down my face quick. falling through the air. I flew past my tree. I flew across all my family’s endless land. I soared to the ground to see who these people were. "Just stay calm. only to fly hundreds of feet back into the air again. In my dreams I was myself. a girl .

me also crying. almost enough to kill a person. "Death can't separate us. wavy brown hair. "Where are you going?" I asked him. to think of what could have happened to Sam and Jared. He picked hundreds of white blossoms that were on my tree. you had a raging fever." Jared whispered in my ear. The treatment has . Jared got up and started walking away. He carried you out to his truck and rushed you to the hospital. I embraced him and he embraced me. Jared picked up the white blossom. Jared?" I asked. but I refused to let that stop me. alone now. Touring around for next semester. I woke up with someone stroking my hair. 2011 whose eyes were shut. but I listened to the voices that sat in the chairs next to my hospital bed. leaving one. my tears falling onto myself. He knelt next to Sel again. bringing pain. what happened to you?" I said looking at the bandage that wrapped around his head and arms. Jared sighed. thank god you're okay. The doctors say you have a condition where your white blood cells are extremely low. I was desperate to know more. because at the time you had a fever of about 105. Your mom was at a business meeting. leaving me alone." He cried. how could I let this happen? I love you. I knelt next to the girl also. "Oh Sel. and her body looked cold. "Oh. “Are they okay?” “I don’t know. and luckily since Jack hadn’t seen you all day. Thank god he did. "Sel don't leave me." "Sel. "Where were they driving from at 12 at night?" "Tucson College." I gasped. long." Jack's voice replied." I sat up quickly. but chemotherapy." he cried into his hands. I'm more worried about you than me. Jared cried into his hands as he looked at me. Jared had told me Sam and him were going to tour Tucson College. her voice concerned." he cried at my dead corpse on the cold ground. "Jared. and put all the flowers in her beautiful. I turned around. pathetic mistake. not me. and the wind swept it away of into the distance. The girl was me. My eyes remained shut. white blossom in her place. but my mom and Jack walked out the door. "When you came home. "Sel. and I was dead. came in and checked on you.” Jack replied. That gust of wind carried me back to reality." "What happened to me." A gust of wind came and carried me away as I watched Jared. Sel. "Just a stupid. small. Sel. "Jared. but he still didn’t look at me. him being careful of my fragile and weak body. not because of your cancer. "Don't go.Anonymous LA 3rd March 1. "What?" my mom said. A semi I hit them full on. to see Jared's face. whose long brown hair was spread out on the ground. It was only him and Sel. "Their car rolled four times." Sel's body turned into a silver mist.

I felt fine." As Jared spoke these words. Sel. as if he was in fear to give something away by doing so. like she was in a hurry. every step I have taken. relief filled through me. The leukemia was fine. I listened to the clock." The nurse opened the door to the room. "Selina?" A doctor said." the nurse said. that never stopped me from being nervous. I went home that next week after my blood cell count went up. but refused to look in my eyes. "I feel fine. aware of its every tick. no matter if I felt pain or not.. Hudson. 2011 killed thousands of your white blood cells. My mom followed us.. with her mascara and makeup smeared. And slow. in fact. coming out of the door." The nurse led a hospital room. That week and a half spent in a hospital bed drained me." the nurse told me. Jared. You’re lucky to be alive. mom. "The doctor and your mom will be here shortly. With that fever. I stood as I heard my name called. . My mom's cheeks were rosy and blotched. "Right this way Selina. ready to write anything down on her clipboard held in her other hand. in a dormant state. My mom gave me a nudge forward. Weeks passed the majority of them spent with Jared as he helped me. I’ll be fine. great. No matter how I had felt before receiving my results of the last checkup. followed by my mom. or was recovering or not. smiling at me and then left me all alone. Finally the doctor opened the door. "You kept your promise. which triggered an infection. "Staying with me. Better than normal.. such as headaches. "No. similar to all the others." the nurse said. At the beginning of August I went in for another checkup. in fact. Results came in that next week. The doctor put a forced smile on his face. Time seemed to slow. "Will you be okay. fatigue. "So how are you feeling?" The nurse asked me. "Yes. turning back towards me. Like any other checkup this was the same. Sel?" my mom asked.Anonymous LA 3rd March 1. Spending time with Jared had helped me. you would have been able to last through the night. "Mrs. a pen at the ready. My stomach seemed to be dropping thousands of miles at a time. "Doctor Jacobson wants to see you in his office." My mom looked confused but nodded." "Are you suffering from any side effects of the chemo.. My mom and I sat in the waiting room. or nausea?" The nurse asked "I know this sounds crazy but I can hardly think strait anymore." "What was my promise?" Jared asked. "Anything else?" The nurse asked. unless I'm outside. And slow." I replied again. It had the same smell of disinfectant.

I learned almost a year ago that I had leukemia. Time can be taken from our grasp so easily. As I walked out of that hospital room that day. my voice rising. "What’s wrong?" I said looking at them both. August 15. The only emotion I could feel was sadness. We are seeing small amounts of the cancer moving to all your other organs such as lungs. Just tell me. "You know as good as I do.Anonymous LA 3rd March 1. I had spent so much of my life wasting precious time. I have never looked at death in this perspective before.. no matter what life brings us.. but deep down in my heart I knew these were my last moments living. Doctor Jacobson put on his glasses and looked at the clip board. When it would look that I was beginning to get better.. gone to a place that I only hope is good." A sensation of coldness spread throughout my body as the doctor said these words. I refused to waste any time. death was just a simply way of life. a place where all my emotions could escape and be let go. no matter what is faced our way. I'm sorry. We have to keep going. and from that moment on I knew I was going to die. A blood transfusion would be almost pointless with so little time you have left.. If you are reading this it means my soul has passed. The doctor took of his glasses and rubbed his eyes. When I got home. I could feel my dying heart beating hard. It had passed. something I didn’t know. There was no going back to my old life. For once I had hope coming into my vision but that small light that started growing in my heart was blown out and an evil darkness had replaced it. It is taking over your blood and all over your body. Before my dad died almost 2 years ago. He sighed. "Selina. 2011 She had been crying.the leukemia has come back. I remember those moments precisely. Life is like a run. that I hope is as good as this life. Once it is spent there is no way of getting it back. before I had fully lived life to its extent. "Are you feeling okay lately. knowing that the doctor had told my mom something. liver. I got out my journal and started to write.. We have to sprint towards the finish line. I had told myself those words so many times already but for once. I knew these words were true. and kidneys.What the hell is wrong with me?" I asked. I was going to die. I would become hopeful. 2015 Dear beloved family and friends. Selina?" "Why do you even ask me that?" I asked in anger.. . the one that the nurse had just filled out. Never before I would have thought I would die before I was 18.

Throughout the next three days I held the note close to me. My father never left me after he died. So little time for all this to change.. towards the top of everything." his voice shaking. For something to happen. -Selina I ripped out the letter and put in an envelope. as Jack came running down the stairs to see who had made the intrusion. Even at my death the sun let me think clearly.. I love you. I will be back in his arms. "Can I talk to her?" Jared asked.. 2011 I can only hope that I see you all again. praying for some miracle. One journey must end. careful of my sick body. My mom whimpered and nodded. Jared carried me out the open oak door. Each morning I woke up. death can’t separate us. in fear. Jared came bursting through the front door. panting as if he had ran. fulfilling your promise until the very end. And soon. We recall them more clearly than ever in times of trouble. step by step. what do you need?" My mom said tiredly. You have changed my life...I wouldn't let go. "Jared?" "Jared. She hadn't slept in days. .. during almost every summer day when I would be outside. The dead who we truly love never really leave us.Anonymous LA 3rd March 1. not even death parting us. my small voice requiring a huge amount of energy. watching …. She refused to leave my side while I slept.. . the 18 of August. I held it in my hands as I went to sleep every night. You have been with me. I love you so much. what are you doing?" My mom asked. I kissed my mom and Jack goodbye.. growing weaker and weaker. Jared picked me up gently. "Yes well. Jared laid me down on the ground and him lying down next to me and slipped his fingers through mine. Please don't grieve for me. Everything will turn crystal clear. but each hour spent.. Through times of uncertainty and trouble it was like I could hear his voice. No one spoke a word. Jared held me tight as he walked up the hill.waiting. Jared. "Can we go outside? One last time?" I whispered. and into the sunshine.. No matter what... At noon.. Thursday. Finally we reached the top of the hill that I hadn't seen in days. "I just heard the news. I slipped in my pocket. I'm going to a place where I can’t feel pain or sorrow. I could barely move. and the other must being. On Thursday I sat on the couch.. these breaths might be my last. sprinted towards our house to know…. Your promise must die with me and I must go alone. I held him tight also. I would see my mom and Jack. Each night before I would fall asleep....

He had died without knowing. 2011 "Sel. and the wind will blow. without having a small amount of remaining time to enjoy before it was all gone. I made every muscle burn like it was on fire.. "Life seems hardly living without loved ones.. Jared. Jared. The dead never truly leave us. Sel. Every time I would run." my whispers faint and soft.. I couldn't shell up the grieve inside me anymore. We recall them more clearly than ever in our times of trouble. unstoppable. "don't start saying your goodbyes yet. "I love you to. Suddenly." "I love you Sel. without having the reassurance that you will wake up the next day and know he was going to be alive." "Jared. everything became crystal clear. "The sun will rise tomorrow. and rain will fall. or slow down. Without me. "I'll never leave you Jared. and recall them in life even in the darkest of places." "But Sel.. But we go one.. I lay in bed for weeks. life seeming so pointless without my father living." he began. and every time." Silence." The wind blew.Anonymous LA 3rd March 1.. So one day." he whispered. leaving Jared and my corpse behind. in hope that we will see them again..... everything in this life making sense." Tears silently crept down Jared's face. I saw a misty hand reach towards me and I grasped onto it. and the stars will shine.. I had no chance to look at his face one last time. Just please Jared. I would remember my father. in hope. I made my chest pound like a beating drum." Silent moments passed. "I'm so sorry. what if this is the end? What if there is no other stronger force driving us? What if death is the end?" "It's not. I refused to stop. silence spreading. without them. My father was dead and there was no going back. I had to suffer like he did. I had to feel pain for him. I had to let it go. "Life's hardly worth living without you. You will see one more star in the heavens tomorrow. Never before had I looked at death as I did then. to grasp every living detail before." As I said these words the world became unclear. Your life will go on without me. I could feel him inside of me. I ran. don't dwell on the past. .. we learn to face the darkness everyday. Jared.” “When father died I had no chance to tell him my real goodbye. I will meet him again. Jared. Life only comes once.

She couldn't be. I put the flowers in her wavy. 2015 ." I cried for a long time. In her hand was an envelope sealed. I gently took the envelope and started to read. as she lay motionless. spinning to the ground. August 15. that I hadn't seen before. refusing to believe that she was gone.Anonymous LA 3rd March 1. I gathered the white blossoms that were like Sel in every way: beautiful and full of deep secrets some people might never know. long brown hair. Blossoms from the tree hovering over us fell off the tree. 2011 Jared Selina died moments after those simple words had escaped her lips: "I'll never leave you.

I love you. simple dress. I would become hopeful. where the sickness has gone for me forever. When it would look that I was beginning to get better. and the other must being. I have never looked at death in this perspective before. I'm going to a place where I can’t feel pain anymore. I dropped a bouquet of white flowers in her grave after guests began to leave.. Everyone wore black. "I love you. I learned almost a year ago that I had leukemia. step by step. You have been with me. -Selina "I will always remember you Sel. Never before I would have thought I would die before I was 18. You have changed my life. I love you so much. Sel’s mom and Jack stayed with me. mourning for the loss of Selina Hudson. falling to her grave. and just as Sel had said. One journey must end. death can’t separate us. Jack held an umbrella over him and his mother. Through times of uncertainty and trouble it was like I could hear his voice. it rained without her. Her funeral was the next day. gone to a place that I only hope is good. fulfilling your promise until the very end. and from that moment on I knew I was going to die. Everything will turn crystal clear. I will be back in his arms.. not even death parting us. It was terrible watching her being raised down into the depths of the ground. but deep down in my heart I knew these were my last moments living. If you are reading this it means my soul has passed. Sel. folding the note. I just let the rain drip down my skin. . Before my dad died almost 2 years ago. Your promise must die with me and I must go alone. death was just a simply way of life. We recall them more clearly than ever in times of trouble. before I had fully lived life to its extent. as if she were rejoicing: going to a place where there would be no more pain and suffering.Anonymous LA 3rd March 1. Time can be taken from our grasp so easily… I can only hope that I see you all again. 2011 Dear beloved family and friends. My father never left me after he died. but she wore white. Please don’t grieve for me. silent tears falling down to the hollow earth.” tears rolling down my cheeks. She lay in a coffin." I whispered.. her brown hair decorated with white blossoms. “One last goodbye. She was in a white. or sorrow. No matter what. And soon. Jared. that I hope is as good as this life. it’s coldness being a constant reminder that I was still alive. The dead who we truly love never really leave us. where it was cold and unforgiving.” I whispered to the depths of the ground .

" I said. having read these words over and over again. and even though she remained superior to anyone else. walking up to the front of the room. "Dear beloved family and friends. How could you let her die. I would become hopeful. and Derrick. "She was there for me at my times of need. ." Rose silently walked down from the stand. her hand brushing the paper a short time ago. There were already tears in Roses eyes. If we forget he example. looking down at all the people that loved Sel also. in her mind. she was never better than anyone else. Sel loved. my heart pounding. unfolding the note. She is an example to all of us.. All Sel ever wanted to was to make precious memories of this life. Will went up. the note that Sel.. "I learned almost a year ago that I had leukemia. And even though she is passed and we all ask ‘Oh God why her?. the best of all of us?’ she is not truly gone. Most importantly. but deep down in my heart I knew these were my last moments living. When it would look that I was beginning to get better.Anonymous LA 3rd March 1. She will always be in my heart. and suddenly before I knew it. the note I had read so many times." I began. and from that moment I knew I was going to die. She viewed life in a different perspective than anyone else here. listening to all of us. as good as this life. her steps echoing throughout the large room. if you are reading this it means my soul has passed. like if it would bring Sel back… "Sel wrote this. Emotions burned inside of me like a raging fire. Rose stood and started walking to the front of the church after Derrick had finished. A pastor first talked and then people were invited to come and speak about Sel. but rather what and who we became that became mattered the most.was my best friend. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the note. and forgiving. my tongue flowing through the words. alive and living then had written just days before. gone to a place that I only hope is good. but Sel never cared any of that." As my words came tears started to come to my eyes. followed by Sam. She was a true friend. to get the most out of the little time we have here." I began. To receive true happiness. kind. consuming me until my heart faltered. Sel’s mom. She was honest about her opinion. She was kind and caring to worst of people. she loved unlike any person I know. smart. Not for one small part of my life I will stop thinking about her. She has taught me in so many ways. my feet were moving. my hands shaking. "She changed my life. We all sat in silence. And even though she lays motionless and cold in the ground she is still here. we went to Sel’s funeral service at a nearby church. She knew that lust and items never mattered." She began. 2011 After. I think Sel has changed all of our lives.. In this room. Sometimes we are so obsessed and concerned about the possessions we have and what our social status is. "Sel. and her life. "I was the last one to talk to Sel. She will only be truly gone if we forget her.

“Life will go on.” I whispered. these were the ones that hit me the most. guiding me through this life. I love you so much. “Time will continue and we will go on with our lives. But one thing is for certain. and the other must begin." “ Selina. My father never left me after he died. death can't separate us. without Selina. We will always remember Selina. Please don’t grieve for me.. Before my dad died almost two years ago.” . We will have our times of trouble. my heart. I love you. and I must go alone. the strong. You have been with me. You have changed my life. Never before I would have thought I would die before I was 18. Your promise must die with me. We will remember her. There will always be part of our hearts. No matter what.. before I had lived my life to its full extent. And soon I will be back in his arms. left for Selina.... I continued reading. fulfilling your promise until the very end. death was just a simply way of life. not even death parting us. Not one day will go by without thinking of her.. I can only hope that I see you all again. The dead who we truly love never really leave us. Through times of uncertainty and trouble it was like I could hear his voice. step by step. and we will remember the girl. Everything will turn crystal clear. I'm going to a place where I can't feel pain or sorrow. 2011 I have never looked at death in this perspective before.. Time can be taken from our grasp so easily.. in our hearts. One journey must end." As I spoke these words. brave girl who fought to the very end.. "Jared. Her spirit will continue." I whispered..Anonymous LA 3rd March 1... We recall them more clearly than ever before in our times of trouble.

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