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Mouth starts being heavy and dull. Me, sit still and having no idea but starving. Only my bedroom is awakening. The faint chill of the wind penetrates half-closed window releasing the sultry air inside and the silence dominating the theme of the night. The dried leaves make a cracking sound outside like someone circling around there, in the wind sweeping them across the cement. This time is suited for resting and dreaming. Tearing my cracking lips and pull it like an onion peel, my fingers keep lingering there for a while knowing the peeling stuck when I felt pain. Putting another potato chip into my grinding mouth, I stare at computer screen. My tummy starts to complain. I’m not sure whether it needs more food or warning me to stop nervous eating. Sitting on the bare floor with legs tucked back to left side, my middle part looks bloated like a drowned body and anybody can see rolls in my tummy. Butts are full and the belt tightening in my flesh leaving its red mark around my waist. The thighs in jeans are taut and lack air. I feel like there is armor is wrapped around me and I could die of suffocation. The pile of documents waiting to be analyzed nearly falls down and buries me. It is all so weighty now. Peeling the chocolate wrapper off, I crunch the candy inside. I don’t really taste it. I swear jeans getting tensed; my heart is filled with guilt. The idea that I get fatter drives me nutty; I see my body as a hideous creature with tumors sprouting everywhere. Soon no one will be interest in me and before long I will have to hide my bulky body under baggy hip hop style clothes. Living with shame is the destiny for me. Look at the lean models on glamorous; they are so fabulous with bones sticking out everywhere. I can see their breast bones, breasts are flat with nipples dimly under laces, the prancing cheekbones standing out, and cheeks sunken deep, the symbol of swaggering perfection of this era. Their looks are so light like soft plumage. My mind is roaming through the vibrating window, hearing the forlorn sound of crickets, nocturnal animals squeaking at the savage nighttime. Clicking on the webpage for ‘thinspiration’ pictures to fantasize my dream , I take a quick look while sipping more drinks. Only cool and fresh orange juices and the sweets in the refrigerator can calm me down. Sticky thin girls with enchanting outfits, there is t nobody like me wearing boring jeans and t-shirt with tedious look. Becoming night being, and eating nonstop, I am a real swine.
having a silly picturing of the Tabloid writing about me. “Mew!!!” The strayed cat cries out like it calling my name. I wonder how to be thin and laugh how I fussing over the fridge. I am as blank as the white sheet. Motionless in my jeans. I see me. I want to do it perfectly and still have a bit of time to revise and make a deep analysis on it. Stillness returns. I come across at my figure suddenly. a car running out of water turning off itself automatically and letting the white steamy smoke spouting out everywhere. It’s like I am being impolite to the other sleeping mortals.” And the comments posted under my pictures are like “…The weight gain is noticeable all over her body. I scrub my head to chastise my foolishness.Praying to finish my homework soon. but I don’t think it’s a bad thing that she gained. “ …Mew was spotted doing some shopping in Beverly Hills with her sister and friends yesterday…It looks like she’s put on a few more pounds recently. Fearing could see something spooky popping behind me in the reflection of the mirror. I take a look at my paper again. my work must be finished and submitted. The shadow creates the distortion of furniture’s gracelessness. I hate listening to the resounding of a spell of rain at the hours of darkness. My heartbeat grows excited till her cries are fading. Why bother getting clean? No one will ever care if I have a foul smell. The ideas put on it are lackluster. I walk fast like something chasing after till reaching through the dining space. Ha ha ha!!!” and another one . They seem huge and frightful as I bent my sight to my path pretending I don’t glance at them. The faraway snoring of my mom resonants. It’s 5 hours left before proposing my paper. Nothing great can be filled in the paper now. I sigh while gulping some more liquid and tiptoeing back passing that same haunting mirror. Walking past the looking glass with powder set at the hallway to find some drink in the freezer. my head is hot like an exerted engine. The paper is too short of ideas to be ready. It’s only her face that looks puffy and very weird after this gain (double chin& all). I even resist taking a shower. I stare back at me and frowned to one another. and it’s me so alone here. the chubby girl with muscular thickness in profile. Tasting and tossing foodstuff here and there. Besides. Feeling my brain is pulsing and spinning. According to the due date tomorrow. She is around here under opened window. it’s hard to move. Spooky narratives arise. Besides I hate imagining the night-time fiends will distinguish there is one awaken.
One story is about a young girl who has no control in her eating patterns. and blood rushes out. fearing of weight gain. with increased of inability to concentrate while studying. Her surface behaviors are consuming an inappropriate number of calories. What am I worried about. mentally disturbed and binging tonight equal my mom who keeps busying with irrelevant matter engaging in big clean day prior to an important examination. At that moment. go on fussy with my body image. I restless and too agitated to calm down. the she feels a great deal of distress about these bad days. my mind rashly shuts down. Although her grades and work have not suffered. and is concerned that she may have an eating disorder. eating until she feels uncomfortable. I successfully pull my lip’s flake. Had been storming with my unsolvable issue. this often means a higher incidence in college and postgraduate programs. . I shook my head sluggishly before turning back to my computer. the beauty quest. And it is the starting point of my cycling habits. restlessly moving the heavy household furnishings from here to there in the middle of the night before her big test. skinniness or assignment? Then I stop. This summer nightmare happens again just like déjà vu to me. The erupting vision of my mother. Binge-eating disorder is currently a recognized diagnosis under eating disorder. then devouring again to sooth myself are l the never-ending labyrinth. Not surprisingly. guilty. again. Also during these days. binge eating usually afflicts adolescent and young adult females who tend to be high achievers. I’m too obsessed with these websites. now occurring 4to 7 days a week. Why eat? Lonely? Fear? Nervous? Hyper drive? Maybe. me. is vivid in my mind. looking at her privately. At that day. she feels depressed. Binging. I am nervous. and frequent episodes of mental breakdown. After these binges. or disgusted with oneself after eating. chomping to freshen my mood. The criteria include lack of control over eating and a feeling of being depressed.“…hideous clothes… she looks like she is 7-8 months pregnant…such a bloated (formerly thin) face…sad! she is only relevant now for being a mess and her weight fluctuations…sad”. irritating with mom’s nonsensical action. even if she does not feel particularly hungry. Are my habit is related to mental problems? Like the other eating disorders. feeling guilty. she feels guilty and sad and often takes long naps that prevent her from getting work done. including having half of a cake or pizza. during doing my presentation last week.
I am very fat. I start typing. What is the balance point? How can I cope with my illusive self? . Am I damn fat or am I just sick? How can I react when noticing my perfectionism is what drives me crazy? Getting back to my desk. who is really stirring up this matter? Who looks at “Me” and keeps judging on “Me”? “I” look at itself in the mirror. I can’t concentrate on my work. It becomes clear that my binge eating is a behavior stemming from a distorted perception of too much anxiety and low self-worth. the scene is relaxed. I don’t know where she resting and hiding herself within me. I have never been diagnosed as having eating disorder. day is breaking. You will be the flawless one. hesitating at the deserted rice field. “We should split up. Should I believe what “I” tell “Me”? Negotiation starts between “Me” and “I”. However. and keep rebuking “Me”. The body obsession is vanishing darkness disappearing with the rising sun. I feel downcast. What a paradox! Too much ambition hinders my work progression. No one ever analyzed me in such a cold-blooded way. who is actually scrutinizing my looks other than me? My negative self-talk triggers the agitation. But now don’t you dare be happy with your shameful figure”. If I am so concerned with my own looks. If I worry much about the coming due date. the pain is gone. not caring that it hurts my feeling. shoulders weary and my lower spine deformed. She will appear anytime she’d like. I am normal but have a bit of impetuous. I equate what I eat with a soothing sanctuary. and then you can confidently show off your bare bony shoulders. My hands go stiff.. but I survived through the unkind night to see such a charming sunrise. I try to gulp down the saliva. or “I” not “Me” is fat? What is the worst outcome of “Me” weight gain and wearing oversized t-shirt? If “I” say “Me” can cause such a truly sick sight. Why do I consider myself as ugly and fat? And there’s perhaps one other thing I should think about . pausing for more ideas. Copper light shades the edge of the horizontal line. How can I aware of her creepy existence? The short hand of the clock points to 5 a.” Imagining my breaking up with parasite self. to talk and insight me. gaunt cheeks and your ribs under the cropped top t-shirt. I feel at ease and pleased to see my paper finished. “Mew! How long will you treat me like this?” “Oh. Still she goes on rambling what she dreams of .m.Like something stuck in the chest. and resting my chin on my hand when nothing proceeds. I can no longer bear to listen to you anymore.if I am overly concerned about how I think others perceive me. you are really fat. You should lose 10 kilograms. A sea of fog drifts. Licking the scab of blood at my lips.
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