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FOUNDATIONS FOR MARRIAGE

By: Mark Driscoll with Michael Gunn

Foundations for Marriage Published by Harambee Church U.S.A. All rights reserved. No part of this booklet may be reproduced, stored in retrieval systems, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher, Harambee Fellowship. Photocopies may be made and used for the educating of Christians in other churches. Copyright 2005 Mark A. Driscoll + Michael Gunn Scripture Quotations are from the New International Version, Copyright 1984
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Contents
In this study we will be looking at the following areas:

I. Creation (Our Purpose)


What it means to be created in the image and likeness of God.

II. Sin (Our Self Destruction Tendencies))


The consequences of the fall on marital oneness.

III. Covenantal Headship (Our Roles)


A theological and practical survey of male headship and female equality in the marriage covenant.

IV. Leaving Father & Mother (Our Past)


The ties you must break with your family to make a new family of our own.

V. Work & Wealth (Our Giving)


Tithing, spending, saving, and investing Gods money.

VI. Lovemaking (Our Intimacy)


Marital sexuality, passion, intimacy and romance.

VII. Ministry (Our Mission and Mandate Restored)


The union of your spiritual gifts for the purpose of Gods glory.

VIII. Divorce (Our Prohibition)


Why what God has joined man should not separate.

Appendix I
The authority of the Bible.

Appendix II
Recommended reading on marriage & sexuality.

Appendix III
Assignments for the couples. Assignment 1 Personal History Assignment 2 Life Together Assignment 3 Roles & Goals Assignment 4 Making the Decision Assignment 5 Compatibility Assignment 6 Strength + Weaknesses Assignment 7 What and Why is Marriage?

Appendix IV
Planning your wedding ceremony. Assignment 1 A Framework for Making Wedding Decisions Assignment 2 Wedding Personnel Organizer Assignment 3 Wedding Format Assignment 4 Sample Wedding Vows

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Creation of Adam, Sistine Chapel, Michelangelo 1508-1512

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Creation
Lesson 1 Genesis 1 & 2 It is true that love poetry blossoms more in theistic cultures than in atheistic or pantheistic ones. The dialogue between male and female creatures reflects the dialogue within the Creator. Catholic philosopher, Peter Kreeft I. The Trinity Genesis 1:1-3, 26 (cf. John 1:1-3, Colossians 1:15-18) The Biblical portrait of God is that there is one God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit (i.e. in Deut. 6:4 the word for one is echad). This concept of the Trinity provides for us the ultimate model for a relationship (i.e. in Gen. 2:24 the word for one is also echad). Likewise, a husband and wife united in God should seek to be in relationship as similar to the Trinity as is possible in a fallen world with finite people. In the Trinity we see that God the Father, God the Son, and God the Spirit are all equal. Yet we also see that Jesus submits to the Father, and that the Spirit submits to the Father and the Son. In the Trinity we also see great love, honest communication, authentic love & devotion, a diversity of personalities and functions, a unity of purpose, and complete oneness. Indeed, the Trinity is the ultimate relationship that serves as the model for all families and communities. * Some other Biblical occurrences of the appearance of the Trinity include Isaiah 48:16; Matt. 3:1617, 28:19; Luke 1:35; 1 Co. 12:4-6; 2 Co. 13:14; Eph. 2:18, 4:4-6. Creation - Genesis 1:1-27 a. Day one - light b. Day two - waters/expanse c. Day three - land d. Day four - lights e. Day five - fish/birds f. Day six - animals/people g. God declared all that He created to be good (Gen. 1:4,10,12,18,21,25, 31). h. Man was the pinnacle of creation whom God called very good (Gen. 1:31). Gods Word - Genesis 1 a. Creates order b. Creates things that are good and very good c. Brings life d. Creates an environment for life to exist in e. Separates f. Comes with authority g. Accomplishes what it was intended to Image and Likeness Genesis 1:26-28 a. Men & women were created with absolute equality. b. Men & women have dignity & value because God created them. c. Unlike all else, man was created in the image (an earthly representation) and likeness (in certain respects) of God (Gen. 1:26-27, see also James 3:9). 1. Moral likenesses; decision making ability, dominion over lower creation, social ability, emotions, communication, etc. 2. Non-moral likenesses; intellect/reason, immortal, spirit, ability to create, etc.

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IV.

The Cultural Mandate (Gen. 1:26-28, 2:15). a. The first ruling unit was a family. b. God has established the family unit as the foundation for society. c. God gave the family a cultural mandate to cultivate a God glorifying culture that includes the raising of many children who are fruitful in serving the Lord. Categories of Human Relationship (Gen. 1:26-28). a. With God b. With himself c. With his fellow man d. With nature Adam (Genesis 2:7-9, 15-17) a. Adam was created first. b. God put the only opportunity to sin in the middle of the garden. c. God gave the mandate to work before sin entered the world. d. God demanded that the tree of knowledge of good & evil not be eaten from. e. God promised that sin leads to death (spiritual, physical, relational, etc.). The First Wedding (Genesis 2:18-25) a. It was not good for Adam to be alone, even though he was with God. 1. This is because Adam had no equal to be in community with. 2. Alone, Adam could not reflect the image & likeness of God. b. Eve was created to be Adams helper. **Note: This is not a denigration of Eves equality, since God is also called our helper (Psalm 10:14, 118:6-7; Hebrews 13:6). c. Nothing in Gods creation was suitable for helping Adam fulfill his call. d. The first woman was taken from a man and every man since has come from a woman. e. The woman came from the man, and in marital union the two again became one. f. God brought Adam & Eve together in His sovereignty. g. God created the covenant of marriage; thus He alone defines what it is. h. The first recorded words we have of any person are Adams beautiful Hebrew love poetry to his bride. 1. Adam spoke to and of Gods beautiful creation with his own beautiful creation. 2. Adam spoke to Eve in a way that made her feel beautiful and appreciated. i. God established the marital process as first leaving home, then getting married, and finally consummating the marriage with sexual intimacy (cf. Matt. 19:5, Mk. 10:7-8, Ephesians 5:31). j. A married couple become one echad as God is one echad (Genesis 2:24; Deuteronomy 6:4). k. Adam & Eve had complete vulnerability and intimacy in all ways without shame.

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d VI.

VII. e f

To Do: 1. Set a weekly date night. 2. Complete Assignment 1Personal History

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William Zorach, Spring in Central Park, 1914

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Sin
Lesson 2 All married persons must above all things love, respect and cherish grace in one another. Puritan Thomas Taylor I. g Temptation, Lies, & Pride - Genesis 3:1-6 a. Adam & Eve lived in a perfect environment. h b. The serpent (or Satan in Rev. 12:9, 20:2) tempted Adam & Eve by twisting Gods Word. Note: In ancient Near Eastern religions the serpent stood for chaos. c. Satans strategy is always to twist Gods Word & tempt pride (see Jesus in Matt. 4:1-11). d. Eve argued with Satan and considered his lies. e. Though Satan is a liar (John 8:42-47), he accused God of being the liar. f. Satan tempted the couple according to a pattern he continues to use (Genesis 3:6, cf. John 2:16 cf. Gen. 3:6, Matt. 4:3,5,9). 1. Lust of the flesh - good for food 2. Lust of the eyes - saw the fruit 3. Pride of life - desirable for gaining wisdom g. Adam & Eve failed to know Gods Word and were defenseless against lies. h. Other things are often valued over Gods Word. 1. Science? 6. Upbringing? 2. Psychology? 7. Financial needs? 3. Experience? 8. Friends? 4. Common sense? 9. Family? 5. Other peoples opinions? 10. Personal desires? The Fall - Genesis 3:6-7 a. Eve sinned first. b. Adam stood passively by and watched his wife commit the first sin against God. c. Their sin brought shame, distrust, and separation. d. Adam was the representative and father of all mankind, and when he sinned and fell out of favor with God so did every person who would ever live (Rom. 5:12, 1 Co. 15:21-22). e. Every person since Adam and Eve is a sinner, both by nature and choice (Rom. 3:23, see also Ps. 53:3; Is. 53:6, 64:6). Excuses for Sin Genesis 3:8-13 a. Adam: 1. Attempted to argue with God over his sin. 2. Attempted to blame Eve for his sin. 3. Attempted to blame God for his sin. b. Eve attempted to blame the serpent for her sin. Male and Female Roles Genesis 3:8-24 a. Eve usurped Adams headship and led the way to sin. b. Adam abandoned his post as head and failed to lead his wife. c. The entire human race fell because sex-roles were reversed. d. God called out for Adam, holding him responsible though Eve sinned first. e. Adam was commanded by God to lead his wife. f. Adam was cursed for failing to exercise leadership in his family. g. God pronounced a death sentence on Adam alone, because he was the head (Romans 5:12-21).

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i IV.

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V.

Consequences of Sin - Genesis 3:8-19 a. They were separated from God (causing theological problems). b. They were separated from themselves (causing psychological problems). c. They were separated from each other (causing social problems). d. They were separated from creation (causing ecological problems). Punishment for Sin Genesis 3:14-24 a. The serpent was cursed for what he had done and told he would be defeated one day. 1. Jesus defeated Satan at the cross. 2. Satan will ultimately experience his defeat at Jesus Second Coming (Rev. 20:10). b. Woman received a judgment and now experiences pain in childbirth and a desire to rule over her husband as sin ruled over Cain (Genesis 4:7) that combine to make her homeward duties as a wife and mother less contented and more difficult. c. The man received a judgment for listening to his wife and creation now fights against him as he labors to provide for his family in his domain of the marketplace. d. Jesus was promised to be born of a woman to pay the penalty for human sin and redeem. Image & Likeness Marred a. The image and likeness of God remained in Adam & Eve. b. The image and likeness was now marred and their glory was used proudly for themselves and not humbly for God. 1. A respect for authority was replaced by rebellion. 2. Trust was replaced by fear. 3. Love was replaced by indifference/hate. 4. Freedom was replaced by enslavement to sin. 5. Honesty was replaced with lying and deceit. 6. Self-sacrifice was replaced by self-centeredness. c. Today, our self-image remains too high and results in feelings of both pride and worthlessness, stemming from a preoccupation with self. d. The solution is to view ourselves with humility and honestly realize our strengths and weaknesses (Romans 12:3). Re-entering Eden Genesis 3:20-24 a. Adam was given the privilege of naming his wife and called her Eve, life-giver. b. God lovingly clothed Adam and Eve to protect them from their environment. c. God banished the couple from the tree of life or they would have lived forever in sin with no hope of redemption. c. Today we, like them, are born into a world where we die and are removed from the presence of God. d. In Christ, we begin our journey back into Eden and will ultimately experience complete redemption when we enter the new heaven and new earth in our resurrected bodies (I Corinthians 15; Rev. 21-22). f. As we live as fallen yet redeemed people it is vital that we clearly understand the gospel and how to both confess and forgive sin so that bitterness does not take root in our relationships (Ephesians 4:25-5:2)

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VII.

VIII.

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The Throne of Tutankhamen, Late XVIII Dynasty

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Covenantal Headship
Lesson 3 Though the man be as the head, yet is the woman as the heart. -Puritan William Gouge In Proverbs we are frequently reminded that wisdom begins in the home and is imparted to the young by their parents and therefore belongs in a biblical home with biblical parents who parent biblically (Proverbs 1:4b, 1:8, 2:1, 3:1, 3:11-12, 4:1-4, 4:20, 5:1, 5:7, 6:1, 6:20, 7:1, 8:32, 9:1, 10:1, 13:1, 13:24, 14:1, 14:26, 15:5, 15:20, 17:6, 17:21, 17:25, 19:13, 19:14, 19:18, 19:26, 20:20, 21:9, 21:19, 21:20, 22:6, 22:15, 23:24-26, 24:3-4, 24:13, 24:21, 25:24, 27:10, 27:15-16, 28:7, 29:15, 29:17, 31:2-3, 31:10-31). Therefore, we must construct from the Scriptures a right understanding of marriage as a covenant with a head and responsibilities since that is the unspoken assumption of the recipients of Proverbs who saw themselves as a covenant people with covenant families who had at the foundation of their home covenantal understanding rather than the unsteady sand of romantic sentimentality. I. Covenant Defined A covenant is a particular relationship that binds people together as one (God and people, or people and people) by promised terms and loving grace. The opposite of a covenant is a contract with terms that permit the relationship to end and the parties to continue as individuals. Throughout the covenants between God and the elect the recurring theme is that He will be their God and they will be His people because He will send Jesus to forgive their sins. II. Head Defined Every covenant has a head and that man is primarily responsible that the terms of the covenant kept. III. Some Covenants Between God & Covenant Heads a. Adam (Hosea 6:7; Romans 5:12-21; I Corinthians 15:21-22) b. Noah (Genesis 6:18, 9:9-17) c. Abraham (Genesis 12:2-3, 17:2-21, Exodus 2:24) d. Moses (Exodus 34:10, 34:27-28; Leviticus 24:45) e. David (II Chronicles 7:18, 21:7) f. New Covenant (Jeremiah 31:31-34; Matthew 26:28; Luke 22:20; Romans 11:27; I Corinthians 11:25; II Corinthians 3:6; Hebrews 7:22; 8:8-13; 9:15; 12:24). IV. Covenants Between Human Covenant Heads (I Samuel 18:3; II Kings 11:4; II Chronicles 23:1-3; Nehemiah 1:5; Psalm 55:20; Jeremiah 34:8-15) V. Covenant Terms and Consequences for Sin (Deut. 29:1-29; Joshua 7:11-26, 23:16; I Kings 8:23; I Kings 11:11; II Kings 17:35-38, 6:14; Ps. 25:10; Jer. 11:2-10; Heb. 10:29). VI. The Covenant of Marriage Proverbs 2:16 It [fear of the Lord that produces wisdom] will save you also from the adulteress, from the wayward wife with her seductive words, who has left the partner of her youth and ignored the covenant she made before God. Malachi 2:14b the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.

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VII. Jesus Christ as Covenant Head Colossians 1:18, Colossians 2:10, Colossians 2:19; Ephesians 1:10, Ephesians 1:22, Ephesians 4:15, 5:23 VIII. Headship & Submission In the Marriage Covenant Genesis 2:18 cf. I Timothy 2:11-15; Genesis 5:2, I Corinthians 11:2-16; Ephesians 5:21-33; Colossians 3:18; I Peter 3:1; I Corinthians 14:33-34; Titus 2:3-5 IX. What Headship Is Not a. Headship is not a license to be harsh b. A ruling of one individual over another c. A conflict between enemies d. A ruling of men in general over women in general e. The right to assess blame to God and/or the wife f. A belief that men are better than women, or even more competent in particular tasks X. What Headship Is a. A greater burden for husbands b. A command of humble service c. A command for men to take responsibility when they are not at fault d. A command for individualism to be replaced by covenant e. A command that men are dominant in marriage f. A command that men need to be respected and women need to be loved g. A command that men use their strength to build into their wives rather than tearing them down h. A command that men not be chauvinists or passive/cowards i. A practical showing of the gospel

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Leaving Waimanalo, Moira Hahn, 1985

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Leaving Father & Mother


Lesson 4 Love is the works of love. Soren Kierkegaard Introduction: For better or worse, our family experience greatly shapes who we are and how we live our lives. From each family experience we must learn to continue traditions and paradigms which are healthy, while eliminating negative experiences and influences as we begin our own family. I. The process of Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:5, Mark 10:7-8 and Ephesians 5:31. a. First, a couple must leave their parents home. b. Second, a couple must be united. c. Third, a couple becomes one flesh. d. Are you ready to transfer dependence from your parents to your mate? 1. Are you ready to leave home physically? 2. Are you ready to leave home emotionally? 3. Are you ready to leave home financially? 4. Are you ready to leave home socially? 5. Are you ready to leave home psychologically? 6. Are you ready to leave home spiritually? 7. Are your parents and in-laws ready to accept your leaving home? 8. Do they still interfere in your relationship when it is unnecessary? 9. Do they still try to involve themselves in your conflicts? 10. Do they frequently visit or call you? 11. Do they continue to give financial help? 12. Do they expect you to place their needs above your mates? 13. Do they expect you to come to them for advice before your mate? 14. Do they have unrealistic expectations about you? 15. Do you sense any competition between your sets of parents over you? Much of who we are and how we view marriage, both positively and negatively, results from our parents and the home we were raised in. For this reason, it is important for you as a couple to discuss the following issues and decide to either repeat the patterns of your parents, if your experience was basically positive, or to create an opposite situation, if your situation was basically negative. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. How did your family view work? How did your family view recreation? How did your family view education? How did your family view finances and debt? How did your family view politics? How did your parents relate to one another? How did your parents resolve conflict? How did your parents express love? How did your parents make decisions? How did your parents divide household responsibilities? How did your parents discipline the children? What was the atmosphere of your home? How were emotions handled in your family? What values held priority in your home?
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II.

15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32.

What was the standard of living in your home? What things did your family do for recreation? What did your family do for vacations? How did your family handle holidays? How did your family handle birthdays? What was it like to be sick in your home? How did your family manage the television? Did your family eat meals together? What were the bedtime routines in your home? How did your family relate to grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc.? What were the highlights of your family? What were the lowlights of your family? How much privacy were you given at home? How much freedom and independence were you given? How many times did you move growing up? Was your family public or private about their struggles and frustrations? Were conflicts handled win-win, win-lose, or lose-lose? Was your home closed, open, or random?

In Closed homes value stability, security and belonging. The entire family group is seen as more important than the individual and when conflicts arise the needs of the family come first. Traditions are important to continue the past into the future. These homes have clear boundaries; parental control over the media and social activities and life is organized so it is predictable and stable. Visitors are not welcome to drop in. In Open homes both stability and change are valued because flexible choice and maximum effectiveness are important. Communication is open and honest, decisions are reached jointly, and open-mindedness, a willingness to change and individual freedom are valued. Censorship is rare and friends and visitors often drop in unannounced. The family is less structured and variable and does not do as many things together. In Random homes a radical focus on the present causes continual change. Novelty, creativity and individuality are priorities over the group. The children raised in these homes tend to be either very flexible or very inflexible. Individual space is not recognized, emotions are often displayed publicly, meals are eaten alone (often on the run) and life is irregular. II. Building your home. a. Homebuilding is the duty of a wife (Genesis 3:16; Proverbs 9:1, 14:1, 31:27; Titus 2:3-5; I Timothy 5:14). b. What traditions, routines, etc. do you want to build into your home?

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Vincent van Gogh, Work

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Work & Wealth


Lesson 5 Your work is a very sacred matter. God delights in it, and through it He wants to bestow His blessings on you. This praise of work should be inscribed on all tools, on the forehead and faces that sweat from toiling. Martin Luther I. A brief Christian history lesson on work. Jesus Christ is Lord over all, therefore eliminating the dualism of sacred and secular things. God does His work very well (Genesis 1:31), and God continues His work to this very day (John 5:7). We are made in Gods image and likeness (Genesis 1:26-27) and supposed to imitate Him in all we do, including our work (Ephesians 5:1). But, because of a Greek Gnostic dualism in the early church (a division of spiritual and earthly things) it was widely believed by some Christians that earthly pursuits were of a lesser value in Gods sight and the most holy pursuit was full-time ministry (the priesthood). This is contrary to the Scriptural teaching that all of Gods people are priests in full-time ministry (I Peter 2:9-10; Revelation 1:5-6, 5:9-10). Instead, God has saved us through Jesus Christ by grace and faith so that we might do good works (Ephesians 2:8-10). While the Scriptures are clear that all work if done according to Scripture for Gods glory is part of our ministry this dualism continues in our own day in a plethora of misunderstandings about work and money from the false gospels of both poverty and prosperity. II. The rich and the poor In Proverbs A. The Unrighteous Poor are in need because of the consequences of their sin. Proverbs 10:4 Lazy hands make a man poor, but diligent hands bring wealth. Proverbs 19:15 Laziness brings on deep sleep, and the shiftless man goes hungry. Proverbs 13:4 The sluggard craves and gets nothing, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied. Proverbs 13:25 The righteous eat to their hearts' content, but the stomach of the wicked goes hungry. Proverbs 14:23 All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty. Proverbs 28:19-22 He who works his land will have abundant food, but the one who chases fantasies will have his fill of poverty. B. The Righteous Poor are in need because they are suffering because of their unwillingness to sin. Proverbs 15:16 Better a little with the fear of the LORD than great wealth with turmoil. Proverbs 16:8 Better a little with righteousness than much gain with injustice. Proverbs 28:6 Better a poor man whose walk is blameless than a rich man whose ways are perverse. C. The Unrighteous Rich have plenty because of their sin Proverbs 10:2 Ill-gotten treasures are of no value, but righteousness delivers from death. Proverbs 11:16 A kindhearted woman gains respect, but ruthless men gain only wealth. Proverbs 28:25 A greedy man stirs up dissension, but he who trusts in the LORD will prosper. Proverbs 23:4 Do not wear yourself out to get rich; have the wisdom to show restraint. Proverbs 28:8 He who increases his wealth by exorbitant interest amasses it for another, who will be kind to the poor. D. The Righteous Rich have plenty because of the blessing of God upon their obedience. Proverbs 15:6 The house of the righteous contains great treasure, but the income of the wicked brings them trouble. Proverbs 10:22 The blessing of the LORD brings wealth, and he adds no trouble to it.
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Proverbs 11:24-25 One man gives freely, yet gains even more; another withholds unduly, but comes to poverty. A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed. Proverbs 3:9-10 Honor the LORD with your wealth, with the firstfruits of all your crops; then your barns will be filled to overflowing, and your vats will brim over with new wine. III. Principles regarding work a. Ecclesiastes 3:22 So I saw that there is nothing better for a man than to enjoy his work, because that is his lot b. 1 Thessalonians 4:11 Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you c. 2 Thessalonians 3:9-11 We did this, not because we do not have the right to such help, but in order to make ourselves a model for you to follow. For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: "If a man will not work, he shall not eat." We hear that some among you are idle. They are not busy; they are busybodies. d. I Timothy 5:8 If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. e. Carpentry, tent making, fishing, medicine, teaching, farming, politics, metal work, music, investing, labor, construction, law, consulting, cooking, architecture, athletics, entertainment, banking, military, real estate, clothing, mothering, sales, etc. are all affirmed as God-honoring labors in the Scriptures.

IV. Principles regarding wealth and ultimate ownership. Exodus 19:5b the whole earth is mine Job 41:11 Who has a claim against me that I must pay? Everything under heaven belongs to me. Psalm 50:10 for every animal of the forest is mine, and the cattle on a thousand hills. Haggai 2:8 `The silver is mine and the gold is mine,' declares the LORD Almighty. Deuteronomy 8:17-18 You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me." But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth Ecclesiastes 5:19 Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work--this is a gift of God. 1 Chronicles 29:14 "But who am I, and who are my people, that we should be able to give as generously as this? Everything comes from you, and we have given you only what comes from your hand. 1 Corinthians 4:7 For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not? V. Paying taxes. At the time of Jesus the combination of state and religious tax was roughly 40%. While there were no taxes for Gods people under the theocracy, they did have to pay taxes when then had kings (I Samuel 17:25; II Kings 23:35; Ezekiel 4:13, 20; Nehemiah 5:4). Jesus also paid His taxes (Matthew 17:24-27, 22:15-22) and Christians are to do likewise (Romans 13:7). VI. Money as a form of worship. Deuteronomy 16:16 Three times a year all your men must appear before the LORD your God at the place he will choose: at the Feast of Unleavened Bread, the Feast of Weeks and the Feast of Tabernacles. No man should appear before the LORD emptyhanded Philippians 4:18 I have received full payment and even more; I am amply supplied, now that I have received from Epaphroditus the gifts you sent. They are a fragrant offering, an acceptable sacrifice, pleasing to God.
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VII. Tithes & offerings a. 10% Funded the Levite priests ministry (Numbers 18:21-16, 27:30) a. 10% Paid for the festivals to build community & celebration (Deuteronomy 12:10-11, 12:17-18, 14:22-27) c. 3.3% Helped the poor (Deuteronomy 14:28-29) d. Additional was given as gleanings for the poor and alien (Leviticus 19:9-10) e. Plus, there were occasional additional tithes (i.e. Nehemiah 10:32-33) SUMMARY: The total mandatory OT tithe was over 25% of gross income Also, above this were offerings that were not required but to be given above and beyond the tithe out of love for God and particular needs that arose (i.e. Exodus 25:12 cf. 36:2-7; Numbers 18:11-13). VIII. Is Tithing A Biblical Law? a. Nowhere in the OT is there a punishment for not tithing so tithing is not technically a law. However, God does speak of consequences for His people who do not help fund His ministry in the world. b. Malachi 3:8-10 "Will a man rob God? Yet you rob me. "But you ask, `How do we rob you?' "In tithes and offerings. You are under a curse--the whole nation of you-because you are robbing me. Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it. c. Proverbs 11:24 One man gives freely, yet gains even more; another withholds unduly, but comes to poverty. IX. Common questions regarding tithing. a. Should Giving Vary By Income? 1 Corinthians 16:1-2 Now about the collection for God's people: Do what I told the Galatian churches to do. On the first day of every week, each one of you should set aside a sum of money in keeping with his income, saving it up, so that when I come no collections will have to be made. b. Should I Tithe Off My Gross or Net Income? Should I Tithe Off All My Income or Only My Salary? Proverbs 3:9 Honor the LORD with your wealth, with the firstfruits of all your crops c. Can I Get A Tax Deduction For Tithing?

Yes. If you give in a way that we can record (i.e. check, cash in a marked envelope) then our church bookkeeper will keep accurate totals of your giving and send you a receipt letter at the beginning of the year certifying the amount of your total contributions that are tax deductible.
d. How Can I Tithe At Harambee? By check or cash placed in the offering plate, offering box, or mailed in to the office (contact the office if you would like some self addressed envelopes). Soon we are hoping to also have online debit card contributions available. e. How Much Should I Tithe? 2 Corinthians 9:6-8 Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. X. Once you have made money, paid your taxes, and paid your tithe, you then have your net income to budget from. Proverbs 21:5 The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty. Proverbs 15:22 Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed. Proverbs 16:3 Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. Proverbs 15:21 Folly delights a man who lacks judgment, but a man of understanding keeps a straight course.
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Proverbs 13:18 He who ignores discipline comes to poverty and shame, but whoever heeds correction is honored. XI. Expenses (liabilities needed for daily living) a. housing usually the biggest expense with the median King County home costing $247,975. In the U.S. 66% of people own their home (highest since 1890, up from only 43:5% in 1940), 81% of married couples own their home, and 77% married couples with kids own their home. The benefits are security, a fixed monthly cost, equity, and a tax write off. To offset costs you may consider renters, and to pay a portion each month toward principle. b. food meal planning, packing a lunch, and not eating pre-made food, takeout, or at restaurants will save much c. auto 2nd highest expense for most (i.e. maintenance, gas, insurance). Half of all cars 10 years and older are on the road, and 200k miles is the deterioration point for most metal. New cars depreciate 15%-25% when driven off the lot. Older cars are cheaper (parts, taxes, insurance, tabs) and it is best to buy from friends and family. d. debt elimination (esp. high interest cards) women ages 21-34 are most likely to have credit card debt Proverbs 22:7 The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender. e. insurance (i.e. medical, dental, renters/homeowners, disability, life, comprehensive auto etc.) XII. Savings (money set aside for emergencies) Proverbs 30:25 Ants are creatures of little strength, yet they store up their food in the summer It is wise to have 3-6 months of your expenses in a money market account, and also have an account where you save money for upcoming large purchases. XIII. Investments (assets seeking long-term returns) Investments in Proverbs include real estate (31:16), commodities (31:18), and livestock (27:23-27). In our present day it would include stocks, bonds, mutual funds, retirement plans, kids/grandkids college funds, etc. Proverbs 13:22 A good man leaves an inheritance for his children's children... Proverbs 27:23-24 Be sure you know the condition of your flocks, give careful attention to your herds; for riches do not endure forever, and a crown is not secure for all generations. Proverbs 13:11 Dishonest money dwindles away, but he who gathers money little by little makes it grow. If you begin at 20 years of age saving $50 a week and receive an 8% return you will have over $1 million at age 65. If you begin at age 25 with $25 a week and receive a 7% return you will have over $286,000 at age 65. Also, make sure that you keep an updated will at all times to ensure your wealth is properly distributed. Proverbs 21:5The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty. XIV. Spending Habits That Will Impoverish You Proverbs 21:17 He who loves pleasure will become poor; whoever loves wine and oil will never be rich. Proverbs 19:4 Wealth brings many friends, but a poor man's friend deserts him. Proverbs 13:7 One man pretends to be rich, yet has nothing; another pretends to be poor, yet has great wealth. Proverbs 31:3 do not spend your strength on women Proverbs 23:5 Cast but a glance at riches, and they are gone, for they will surely sprout wings and fly off to the sky like an eagle. XV. Answers to Common Questions What can college students do to save money? Visit www.costeffectivecollege.com, and www.debtfreegrad.com
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Should I/we have a credit card? It is helpful for building credit if you use it only for budgeted items, pay it off monthly, and destroy it if you are ever unable to pay it off entirely. How can a wife help make more money? It is the duty of the husband to provide for his family (I Timothy 5:8) and the wife is to stay at home and raise the children and manage the home (Proverbs 14:1; Titus 2:3-5). The wife must therefore be helpful (31:10-12), wise (Proverbs 14:1), and prudent (Proverbs 19:14) with the family wealth that includes modeling and teaching financial wisdom for the children. A working woman often contributes nothing to the family bottom line (i.e. taxes, child care, increased food, dry cleaning, commuting, entertainment, etc.) and if she wants to help the family wealth she should spend little, save much, and invest wisely from home (Proverbs 31:10-19). Is it okay for a wife to work until she has children? This is up to her and her husband to decide, but if she does work they should live off of his income and use hers to pay off debt or save for the future. What do you do if you are over spend with debit and credit cards? Go to a designated cash system for all your non-billed expenses. Who should make the budget and keep the books? Both a husband and wife should budget and reconcile the books together. However, whoever is better at the bookkeeping should probably keep track of things. For more information see www.Barna.org, www.leonardsweet.com under the archives, there is a wealth of helpful books from Larry Burkett, a good one to begin with on a breadth of financial issues is Money Matters, and for helpful tips on money visit www.crown.org, and www.money.crosswalk.com.

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Unknown Artist

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One Flesh
Lesson 6 Sex in itself cannot be moral or immoral any more than gravitation or nutrition And the sexual act, when lawfulcan, like all other natural acts be done to the glory of God, and will then be holy. - C.S. Lewis Introduction: Sex is a great gift and expression of intimacy that God has given to be enjoyed and placed in a covenant relationship to be protected. Unfortunately, sex is often experienced outside of the covenant relationship, resulting in physical, emotional and/or mental suffering. However, Gods grace is sufficient to overcome our past and give us the best that He intends for us to experience. I. Sex Before & After the Fall in Genesis 1-3. a. God created sex and it was very good. b. God put sex in a committed covenant relationship. c. God created sex to multiply a godly legacy. d. God created sex for physical pleasure. e. God created sex as the result of, not the foundation for, intimacy. f. The man and his wife were naked and without shame. g. Once they sinned, they immediately hid from one another. h. The loss of intimacy and trust carries over into all areas of marriage. Positive and Negative Lessons on Male Sexuality in Proverbs 5. a. Reasons a man should not engage in sex outside of marriage: 1. He will lose his wealth. 2. He could get a sexually transmitted disease. 3. He could lose his physical health. 4. He could waste his strength. 5. He could lose his life. 6. He could lose his honor. b. What a man should do to enjoy his wife sexually: 1. Be faithful to your wife. 2. Do not share any intimacy with another woman. 3. Rejoice in the wife that God has given you. 4. Remember that the Lord knows your every heart, mind and deed. 5. Nurture the relationship with your wife. 6. Delight in the beauty of your wife. A Positive Lesson on Male Sexuality in Song of Solomon 7:1-9. a. Men view sex in terms of the physical relationship and physical details. b. Men are primarily stimulated by the womans physical body, sight, fragrance, and actions. c. Men need respect and physical expression from their wives. d. As a result of their need, men must be careful to guard their eyes and thoughts from the many temptations they face.

II.

III.

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IV.

A Positive Female Sexuality in Song of Solomon 5:10-16. a. Women view sex in terms of relationship and integrate sex as only a part of the relationship. b. Women view sex in terms of the total person and are stimulated by touch, attitudes and words. c. Women need respect, intimacy, patience, and to be emotionally needed. d. It is natural and good for a woman to initiate sexual intimacy. Love Languages From the Song of Solomon. a. Time b. Touch c. Gifts d. Service e. Verbal The Directive for Sexual Intimacy in I Corinthians 7:3-5. a. Husbands & wives should gladly meet one anothers sexual needs. b. A married persons body belongs to their spouse. c. Any cessation of sexual activity should be mutual and temporary. How Lust is Equal to Adultery in Matthew 5:27-28. Principals on Immorality from 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8. a. Avoid sexual immorality. b. Control your sex drive; do not allow it to control you. c. Live a holy life. e. Bring your sex drive under the control of the Holy Spirit. Some Biological Lessons Regarding Sexuality. a. Men reach their prime drive between their teens to early twenties. b. Women reach their prime drive between their mid to late thirties. c. In our generation, men are an average of 27 years old and women are an average of 26 years of age when they marry so their drives are often vastly different. d. Men can be sexually aroused in minutes, and sometimes milli-seconds. e. Men can lose their sexual arousal in minutes, or even less. f. Women are aroused in terms of hours, and possibly even days. g. Women take minutes to even hours to slowly lose their arousal. h. The failure rate for couples who live together before marriage is the highest. Practical Things to Consider In Your Sexual Relationship When You are Married. a. Do not be afraid to experiment and be free with your spouse. b. Be patient and encouraging of your spouse. c. Affirm how attractive you find your spouse. d. Remember that your sexual relationship is only one aspect of your relationship. e. Remember that your sexual relationship, like all other areas of relationship, develop over time. f. Continue to date and court one another, courtship should never end. g. Find non-sexual ways of expressing affection. h. Be honest in your discussion about your sexual relationship, what is enjoyable, what is not, what your needs are etc. Your spouse will not know your needs unless you communicate them. i. Men, remember that your wife may find sexual intercourse to be painful and you need to be sensitive to her needs. j. Do not project your sexual desires as normal and expected of your spouse. k. Approach sex with an attitude of giving and serving your spouse.
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V.

VI.

VII. VIII.

IX.

X.

l.

Men, invest in your spouse and be patient to bear fruit in your sexual relationship.

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Edgar Degas, Interieur (Le Viol), 1868-1870

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Divorce
Lesson 7 First, he must choose his love, and then he must love his choice. Puritan Henry Smith Introduction: The issue of divorce, particularly in the current cultural climate, is such a tremendously sensitive and poorly taught subject that the entire counsel of God must be examined to properly understand how it relates to Jesus teachings. For this reason, I will begin in the book of beginnings and conclude in the epistles. Please remember that many fine scholars who love the Lord disagree on this issue and it must be treated with a tremendous amount of mercy and grace. I would strongly urge you to study the issue for yourself and come to your own biblical conclusions. Much of my information comes from Carl Laneys The Divorce Myth, while Wayne House has a book, which outlines four major Christian views of divorce and remarriage. I. Genesis 2:20-25 a. God created marriage. b. God created a partner for Adam and Eve, without a spare or option in case the first relationship was unsuccessful. c. Marriage is for believers and non-believers. d. When two persons become one flesh, God sees them as one. e. The sexual union creates a kinship bond (Gen. 29:12-14; 37:27; Judg. 9:2; 2 Sam.19:13). f. Even a divorce does not dissolve a physical kinship bond. Leviticus 20:10 & Deuteronomy 22:22-24 a. Adultery was punishable by death, not divorce. b. Divorce would have been unnecessary since death would have broken the marriage bond. Numbers 30 (especially verse 2) & Ecclesiastes 5:1-7 a. We must fulfill the vows we make to the Lord. b. Marriage vows (till death do us part) are extra-biblical requirements that a couple is bound before God to fulfill. Deuteronomy 24:1-4 a. Moses was seeking to protect women from unjust treatment. b. Moses did not command nor permit a divorce, but merely recognized the state of divorce in his day. c. No divine blessing or approval of divorce is given. Proverbs 2:17 a. Marriage is a covenant, not a contract. b. A contract is conditional and breakable; a covenant is binding and unbreakable. c. God does not break covenants (Leviticus 26:40-45). Malachi 2:16 a. This verse is the clearest description of Gods opinion of divorce. b. God hates sin, therefore it is reasonable to view divorce as a sin. Mark 10:1-12 a. Mark was written primarily to a Gentile audience unaware of much of the O.T. b. Mark does not include the exception clause in his account. c. A couple is put together by God and no one should separate them.

II.

III.

IV.

V.

VI. VII.

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VIII. IX. X.

XI. XII.

XIII.

XIV.

Luke 16:18 a. Luke was written primarily to a Gentile audience unaware of much of the O.T. b. Luke does not include the exception clause in his account. Romans 7:2-3 a. No exception clause is given. I Corinthians 7:10-16 a. Paul instructs no divorce five times (I Corinthians 7:10, :11, :12, :13,:27). b. Paul only permits divorce if an unbeliever leaves a believer because of their faith and refuses to be married to a Christian. Ephesians 5:21-33 a. Christ does not divorce His bride, though she is often unfaithful. Matthew 5:31-32, 19:1-12 a. A divorced woman who remarries commits adultery. Therefore, God must still view her as being married to her first husband by their kinship bond. b. Moses recognized people divorced from a hard heart. A hard heart is not an acceptable excuse for a believer since God can soften that hard heart. c. In 19:5-6 Jesus reiterated that the sexual bond in marriage unites two persons as one and they should never separate. d. The Jews had stumbled over Deuteronomy 24, misinterpreting it as an affirmation by God for divorce. e. Jesus corrects their improper interpretation by returning to Adam and Eve. The Central Issue: Defining Porneia (Unfaithfulness) In Matthew 5 & 19. a. Porneia is used in a variety of ways include homosexuality, adultery, unchastity, fornication and other sexual aberrations. But Matthew uses the word in a narrower fashion than other NT writers do. b. Matthew was written to Jews who would have understood the OT. c. Leviticus 18-20 permits divorce for persons married to a near relative since it was illegitimate in the eyes of God anyway. d. In Acts 15:20, 29 James cites incestuous marriages from Leviticus 18-20 and uses porneia to refer to those forbidden unions. e. In I Corinthians 5 Paul uses porneia to refer to an incestuous relationship between a son and his fathers wife. f. In Matthews gospel moicheia is the word most commonly used for adultery, not porneia. g. In Matthew 15:19 both porneia and moicheia are used, therefore they cannot mean the same thing when used by Matthew. h. While Mark and Luke omit this exception, we can see that Matthew included it, because he was writing to a Jewish audience that would have been familiar with Gods forbidding incestuous relationships in Leviticus 18-20. Conclusion of this position: Divorce was never decreed, nor approved by God. The only exceptions for divorce are in cases of incestuous marriage (porneia), which violates Gods design for marriage and therefore are not recognized by Him as a valid union. An Additional Option Some scholars have also proposed that the divorce clause given in Matthew refers to the betrothal period rather than the actual marriage. Support for this view would be given from the unique Jewish marriage process and the relationship of Mary & Joseph in Matthew 1:18-25.

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Appendix I The authority of the Bible.


Without transcendent authority over a relationship, there will be little help in resolving differences between two fallen people. Since the Garden of Eden the enemys agenda has been the same: for married couples, to challenge the authority and clear instructions of Gods Word. The following verses are a summary of some of the things that the Bible says about itself. a. Its Source: 2 Timothy 3:16 All Scripture is God-breathed... I Thessalonians 2:13 And we also thank God continually because, when you received the word of God, which you heard from us, you accepted it not as the word of men, but as it actually is, the word of God , which is at work in you who believe. John 12:50 ...whatever I say is just what the Father has told me to say. 2 Peter 1:19-22 And we have the word of the prophets made more certain, and you will do well to pay attention to it, as to a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts. Above all, you must understand that no prophecy of Scripture came about by the prophets own interpretation. For prophecy never had its origin in the will of man, but me spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit. John 1:1,14 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God...The word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. b. Its Sufficiency: 2 Timothy 3:16-17 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. Psalm 19:7-12 The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul. The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple. The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes. The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever. The ordinances of the Lord are sure and altogether righteous. They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold: they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb. By them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great rewarded. Matthew 5:17-18 Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets: I have not come to abolish them, but to fulfill them. I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. c. Its Strength: Hebrews 4:12-13 For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. I Peter 2:2 Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation. John 17:17 ...your word is truth John 10:35 ...the scripture cannot be broken. Luke 16:17 It is easier for heaven and earth to disappear than for the lest stroke of a pen to drop out of the Law. d. Its Spiritual Nature: John 14:25-26 But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and remind you of everything I have said to you. I John 2:20, 27 But you have an anointing from the Holy One, and all of you know the truth...But as His anointing teaches you about all things... I Corinthians 2:14 The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned.

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Appendix II Recommended reading on marriage & sexuality.


Gender Issues Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism, by John Piper and Wayne Grudem. The War Against Boys: How Misguided Feminism is Harming our Young Men, by Christina Hoft Sommers. Five Aspects of a Man: A Biblical Theology of Masculinity, by William Mouser. Different By Design, by John MacArthur. Dating and Courtship Her Hand In Marriage, by Douglas Wilson. Wives The Creative Counterpart, by Linda Dillow. Praise Her At the Gates, by Nancy Wilson The Fruit of Her Hands, by Nancy Wilson Marriage Reforming Marriage, by Douglas Wilson Families at the Crossroads, by Rodney Clapp Child Rearing Shepherding a Childs Heart, by Ted Tripp Raising Your Children for Christ, by Andrew Murray Standing on the Promises, by Douglas Wilson. Future Men, by Douglas Wilson A Celebration of Sex, by Douglas Rosenau Male Sexuality Fidelity, by Douglas Wilson Intended for Pleasure, by Ed Wheat. How to Give Her Pleasure, by Lou Pagett. A Lifetime of Sex, by Stephen George. Sex: A Mans Guide, by Stefan Bechtel. A Celebration of Sex, by Douglas Rosenau Female Sexuality Intended for Pleasure, by Ed Wheat. Intimate Issues, by Linda Dillow. How To Be a Great Lover, by Lou Pagett. Sexual Abuse The Wounded Heart, by Dan Allendar.

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