The Farce of the facebook Friend's Profile

By: Asrar M. Khan Two facebook friends Mohammed Islamuddin alias “Islam4U” and Salman Ahmed alias “Sam6Pack” decide to meet up and get to know each other in person. Islam4U: Assalamu Alaikum Sam6Pack, let’s meet after Asr today. Sam6Pack: Asr? What’s that? Islam4U: I mean, the Asr prayer. Sam6Pack: Uh, okay, so what time’s that? Islam4U: 5:00 PM? Sam6Pack: Good, where do we meet? Islam4U: There’s a chai shop just behind the Noor Masjid. Sam6Pack: Masjid? Say, why don’t we meet at Café Kool Dude? Islam4U: If you say so. The two meet at the appointed place and time. Islam4U: Assalamu Alaikum, brother Salman. Sam6Pack: Hi, bro, nice to see you, man. Islam4U: So, tell me brother Salman, how are you and your family? Sam6Pack: Cool. Islam4U: Alhamdulillah. Sam6Pack: And you? Islam4U: By the grace of Almighty, I and my family are fine, thank you. Sam6Pack: Cool. Sam6Pack: Hey, bro, say what can I get you, some drink, something to eat? Islam4U: Tea or coffee would be fine. The orders are placed and the conversation continues. Sam6Pack: So, bro, really good to see you. Tell me, what made you want to see me? Islam4U: Oh, nothing, really. You have an interesting profile. On hearing this, Sam6Pack glances at his reflection in the Café’s glass wall, running his fingers through his ample hair. Islam4U: I mean your facebook profile; not to say that you don’t look good too. Sam6Pack: Thanks, man. Islam4U: Your profile picture . . . that’s not you. Sam6Pack: That’s Robert Pattinson. Islam4U: Is that some great personality, somebody who inspires you, perhaps? Sam6Pack: Yeah, man, Edward Cullen’s drivin gals crazy. Islam4U: (confused) Edward Cullen? Sam6Pack: Yup, I really dig the twilight series, man, it’s really something. And, that Bella lass, she took away my heart, sigh. Islam4U: (still confused, gives up) Uh, okay. Islam4U: I also noticed on your profile, you’ve been to good institutions, what’re your career plans. Sam6Pack: Oh, looking for a good MNC opening with an overseas posting. Islam4U: May Allah grant your wishes.

Sam6Pack: I’ve some friends helping me out, just a matter of time now. Islam4U: Allah is our best friend. Sam6Pack: Yeah, I asked mom to pray for me, too. Islam4U: Masha Allah. You’re lucky to have a pious mother. Sam6Pack: Oh, yeah, she’s one conservative lady. You know what, she wants me to get up at 5AM and pray. Come on, give me a break. Islam4U: The 5AM prayer will give you the break you need. Sam6Pack: Huh? I mean 5 AM, come on, that unearthly hour? Islam4U: Try it, everything on earth is actually up and about at that unearthly hour. Sam6Pack: No way, man, I need my sleep to be charged and ready for my real life pursuits in the morning. Islam4U: In religious views I notice you put “Islam”. Sam6Pack: Yeah, man, Islam is a great religion of peace, there’s so much misunderstanding about it these days. Islam4U: Of course, so did you find your peace? Have you understood it? Sam6Pack: Yeah, you bet. All are equal, man is born free, the whole charity thing and all that. I also invite all my friends on Eid to chill out man. I also plan to do the Hajj thing when I am old. Islam4U: The charity thing, the Hajj thing? . . . things? Sam6Pack: Yup, I really feel bad about beggars and the poor, you know, I always give them a Rupee or two whenever they pile up near my car window on traffic lights. Gosh, they can be such pests. Hajj, you know . . . to this place in Dubai . . . somewhere in the Gulf area, you do it once in a lifetime . . . you know when you are really old. My grandparents just came back last month. We call them Haji now. Islam4U is silent, nods his head and takes the first sip from the coffee that just arrived. Islam4U: I see, you’ve put some politicians, artists, scientists under “People Who Inspire You”. So, tell me what aspect of these personalities inspired you? Sam6Pack: All these guys are . . . like . . . you know . . . like . . . famous . . . you know what I mean? Islam4U: And, being famous is inspiring? Sam6Pack: Yeah . . . like . . . once a guy’s famous . . . he inspires other guys. Islam4U: To do what? Sam6Pack: To be famous. Islam4U: (finding it hard to engage further in this line of discussion) hmmm. Islam4U: Great to see that you listed the Holy Quran in the “Books” section of your profile. Sam6Pack: Yup, I have one right here (pulls out his Smartphone from his jeans pocket) and runs the Quran app); see? Islam4U: Masha Allah. So, you read it often? Sam6Pack: It’s in Arabic, man, can’t read Arabic. Islam4U: So, how is it your favorite book? Sam6Pack: My mom says, it’s got some great moral things in it. You know, she says, before the Arabs got this book, they were really bad people, would bury their daughters alive, you know . . . Islam4U: And, once they had this book . . . ? Sam6Pack: Oh . . . they became really great people, man, no more burying daughters, no racism, no slavery, no nothing. Gosh, why doesn’t the world read this book? All this racism, human rights violations, all the bad things in this world would vanish . . . you know. Quran is really a great book. Islam4U: So, when are YOU going to read it. Sam6Pack: It’s in Arabic, man, can’t read Arabic. Islam4U: hmmm.

Islam4U: I see you did not list any other book. Do you read any other books? Sam6Pack: Oh, man, wish I had the time for it. It’s tough to squeeze any reading in my tight schedule. Islam4U: How about reading up on the personalities that inspire you. Sam6Pack: Oh, yeah, I google them, great thing this google. I also catch up on ‘em on networking sites. Great comments ‘bout ‘em on facebook. You should see the number of “hits” and “likes” they get, good to be famous, you know. Islam4U: Oh, yeah, I forgot . . . fame . . . as in wall status, comments, hits and likes of OTHER people who may have read about them. Islam4U: I see you have a pile of Movies and Television you like. Sam6Pack: Oh, boy, oh, boy, great stuff those. Great to chill out with friends, you know. Some DVDs we never tire of, we’ve seen ‘em over and over and over again and again and again. Quality time with friends and all that, you know. Islam4U: And I see that you packed quite a lot on your Interests and Activities with Music, Games, lots of leisurely activities too. Sam6Pack: You bet, wanna see my songs and games collection? You know this new game “Blood & Gore”. . . at level 3 you get this bazooka to blow the enemy’s brains out . . . great realistic stuff . . . blood, body parts . . . real geniuses these game programmers . . . love ‘em. I play with my friends every day, we love to blow each other’s brains out . . . ha, ha, ha. And, then we have this heavy metal band “Antisocial Rascals” playing “Burn This Damned World” in the background to get us in the mood. Islam4U: No wonder you have a tight schedule. Sam6Pack: Now you see how? It’s past midnight when we’re done and have just another 8 hours before I have to get up and get along with my life. Islam4U: So, you don’t actually read your favorite book because well, you don’t know how to read it, you can’t read anything else because you don’t have the time, you don’t know much about the people who inspire you, because that involves reading. And, the things you have the time for, is not helping you in anyway justify what you say in your profile about your likes, inspiration or philosophies of life. So, what does your facebook profile say about you? Sam6Pack: Hey, you are beginning to sound like my mom. Islam4U: Yeah, moms are bad people, aren’t they? Sam6Pack: Hey, I didn’t say that. Islam4U: No you didn’t. Not that anything you said made any sense at all. Sam6Pack: Hey, hey, hey, this is going too far. Islam4U: No, my friend, you need a reality check, before YOU go too far. Sam6Pack: I think this meeting is over. Islam4U: If you say so. The next day Islam4U finds he has been “unfriended” by Sam6Pack. Islam4U, smile on his face, was already reading the tall claims on the profile of another facebook friend – Sheikh Shahrukh alias MachoHunk. By: Asrar M. Khan

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