67 things you don’t know about women 1. "PMS is not a lame excuse to be able to yell at you.

It's a great excuse." 2. "If we run into your ex-girlfriend in public, the first thing you should do is put your arm around us. And if we have to introduce ourselves, you are in big trouble." 3. "We want to cuddle after sex because we're fucking freezing.” 4. "When you break up with us, that means it's over, and we will only sleep with you two or three more times." 5. “You shouldn't pass up a three-way because you 'love us too much.'" 6. "No, we didn't see last week's Battlestar Galactica." 7. "Women grab their crotches, too. We just have the decency to do it in private." 8. "Some of us prefer boxing to yoga. None of us actually likes Pilates” 9. "When considering whether or not to ask out the girl you're afraid to talk to, keep this in mind: No matter who you are or what you look like, it's always flattering when you hit on us. Always” 10. Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it's a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-poundheavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy” 11. “Women like porn, too. We just hate it when you hide the porn” 12. “The Brazilian bikini wax is torture. To show a little appreciation, you could trim your nose hair. And your nut sack.” 13. "I know we're all busy, but let's avoid scheduling sex. When we start thinking about our night like, At 5:00 P.M., he's going to put it in me... Actually, that sounds kind of sexy." 14. "We pay closer attention to your hands than you think. It's bad enough if you don't have manly hands, but if your nails are longer than ours, forget it." 15. "Breasts are not a speed bump to the promised land." 16. "The concept of premenstrual syndrome was invented by a woman in Iowa who was trying to come up with a way to call her husband shit-forbrains without repercussions. Now we all benefit."

" 25. too. So what are we?" 30." 18. the whole toilet-seat thing is exaggerated and meant to control you. "We're not complimented when you call your ex a slut.” 21. "Even when we're blindfolded. "We can tell how good you'll be in bed by how good you are on the dance floor. This isn't an invitation to grind your boners into our asses — we're looking more for rhythm." 22. "We want dessert." 29." 28." 24. "When we say." 19. "We know men think breasts are like Barstow: just a short stop on the way to Vegas. we can always tell if you just ogled another woman. and I find that insulting!” 31. We want you to order dessert. When it takes longer than that.." 32. ingenuity. "Otis Redding said it perfectly: Try a little tenderness. humor us with an answer — just pick one already! — but expect us to go with the one you didn't choose. even when you're wearing sunglasses. Don't be one of those guys. "We love the fact that it takes you only twelve minutes to get ready for anything.' it's because we are very experienced at playing games. "Supersecret: Unless we're blind or have no night-light in the bathroom. “Asking for directions is a really big turn-on. and joie de vivre. Wait too long and we'll lose interest. "Guys who go to Hooters to watch the game are usually the same guys who go to lunch at strip clubs for the free chicken-fried steak. She dated you. looking good in a tux can turn a nice girl into a porn star. 'I don't like to play games." 20. That 'three day' crap does not apply." 23. But sometimes lingering a little longer at the places along the way can make for a more pleasant trip. "When we ask which outfit we should wear." 27. be it black tie or a basketball game. "Call us back right away. even in the pitch black of night. there is nothing so filthy that you can't say it in bed.17.” 26. "How sexy you look unbathed at a campsite first thing in the morning is as important as how sexy you look in a tux…Then again. We're getting older and we don't have time to screw around. what are you doing in there?" . Trust me on this one. "If we love you.. What we don't want is for you to ask us if we want dessert. "Often men confuse pensiveness with bitchiness.

" 38. Besides. we would sleep with your best friend.” 42. m'lady. but please — keep trying. it's because we are happy and relaxed. or sexy. "If you can locate the following items in our home — tape. “We are all about our necks. “If you’re funny. m'lady?'" 35.33. but many of us are quite happy being independent and autonomous. most of us have at least imagined what it would be like to kiss a pair of shiny red lips. "You aren't the only one who thinks that two women having sex is hot." 37. "When we fall asleep before the end of the film. we won't blow you in private. “Ditto titty and moist. We're not stupid." 46. "Even if we've only been dating a few weeks. “Women are interested in A-list things: A designers." 40. "Of course we know how to work the TiVo. we will sleep with you. casserole dish." 48.” 43.” 47. rich. "If you think we like the word panties. A orgasms…Wait. “Yes. A vacations. that is not our clitoris. You may think we spend our time scheming ways to trap you into marriage. "We're afraid of commitment.'” 36. too. They look as if they should be holding a cane or following a dog." 39.” 45. 'Would you like another beer." 34. If we haven't tried it. Everything from 'Sorry about the smell' to 'I'm going to love you forever. "Men who wear sunglasses at night don't look cool." 44. Feel free to spend as much time there as you wish." 41. let me rephrase that so there's no confusion: multiple orgasms. don't introduce us as your 'lady friend' — or that's exactly what we'll become. Christmas ornaments — you will get laid." (So don’t ever ask) 49. "Everything sounds better when your mouth is next to our ear and you whisper it. you've been watching too much porn." . we're not in any rush to quit lusting after young Calvin Klein models.' As in. not because we're bored of Live Free or Die Hard. "If you won't hold our hands in public. "No. "All women love to be referred to as 'm'lady.

28 seconds. What you mean is. The left elbow. and 90 percent of that extra 50 percent is spent thinking about sex. if you'd like to discuss it further." 57. We realize this seems like a double standard." 62. “If you defend a girl as 'really smart when you get to know her. but we're happy you have it. "Eye contact should last exactly 0." 51. too." 59. "We drink till you're cute. and we look at one another in the bathroom line like." 53. "The quickest way to a woman's heart is through her clit. the forehead. tell us the girl in it is famous and we just haven't heard of her yet.” 56. "We never fake orgasms. to keep ourselves occupied. and our enemies better not be your . "We don't understand your fascination with boobs. she's 'really smart for a smokin'-hot girl who is stupid. "The fact that women make seventy-five cents to every man's dollar won't bother us as long as you touch our clit." 52. once in a while we do. "Diamonds are forever. Not porn — sex tapes. shins. but we don't always pick up our phones when you call. Okay. "Pick the weirdest part of our body and compliment it. What the hell? Then. we play with one another's boobs. If you want to trick us into watching porn. and you're checking to see if you have any vampire bites from girls you went to camp with. "Women love sex tapes.'" 61. "We need you to be reachable at all times. Treat us like the sun during a solar eclipse.50.” 63. something's wrong. The quickest glance is the most effective. "A serious scientific study has proven that women think 50 percent more than men. "Women don't take forever to pee.' she is dumb.” 54. Just be creative.” 65. but touching our clit can buy you two or three years” 64. "Our friends are not your enemies. It's other chicks who make us wait." 60. We have absolutely no idea what we're doing in there." 58." 55. If I'm standing next to you. just leave a message. "We hate baby showers as much as you assume a sane person would. because scandal is titillating. But only for the sake of expediency. "Quit Facebook.

Then we regain consciusness” ." 66." 67.friends. Getting trapped in your armpit after you've played eighteen holes in 90-degree heat: not sexy. Nuzzling your neck when you come home from the gym: sexy. “Sometimes we think we really understand men. “The smell of sweat is sexy within reason.

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