THE TONY CLIFTON STORY

Screenplay by ANDY KAUFMAN and BOB ZMUDA Second Draft January 1, 1980 PRODUCERS George Shapiro Howard West Transcribed by Don Alex Hixx SUBTERRANEAN CINEMA

THE TONY CLIFTON STORY FADE IN EXT. DEEP AND DARKEST AFRICA We see the war of the wind as it wrestles against the forest. The weakness of the tree, the strength of the bush. We hear the persistent beat of the drum as it draws us deeper and deeper into the pulsating heart of the jungle. “CONGO - THE PRESENT” is supered on the screen. EXT. CANNIBAL VILLAGE made up of thatched huts and weathered reminders of lost aircraft. We see the inhabitants of this village -- totally uncivilized savages. Ubangi lips, bones through noses and carved faces. A ritual is taking place. A huge pot of water is being heated. Skulls impaled upon lances, some still wearing aviation goggles, stare piteously down upon the occasion. Just now, a wild enticing dance is taking place. Bodies are sweating. The water begins to boil. TRIBAL DANCERS are in a hypnotic frenzy. The dance is building to a crescendo. It is suddenly cut short by the Chief Headhunter, who looks up into the sky, sensing something before we do. CHIEF HEADHUNTER Ola Mu Ta. Immediately the tribesmen cease their dance and look upward. CHIEF HEADHUNTER (pointing up) Ola Mu Ta. The magic has worked. Soon we hear the distant sound of an airplane, its engines failing, followed by the fall to earth and the crash. The savages let out a bloodcurdling scream and dash for the crash sight. CRASH SIGHT Pieces of a small cargo plane strewn throughout the jungle. The pilot is dead. Like hungry birds of prey, the tribe tears through the debris looking for other less fortunate victims. One savage spots what appears to be an arm sticking out from under some twisted metal. Excitedly he pulls at it, releasing a life-size cut-out of Frank Sinatra. SPLINTERED CRATE - SHIPPING PANEL it reads: “RECORD PROMOTION - LICORICE PIZZA, ZAIRE, AFRICA.” Camera opens up to reveal scattered record albums, tape recorders, cassette tapes, etc.

A NATIVE quizzically studying a Frank Sinatra album as if it were some sort of strange new fruit. He unpeels the cover, revealing a shiny black disc; he sniffs it and ever so gently puts it to his ear. Finally, he takes a bite and spits it out in disgust. CHIEF HEADHUNTER ravaging through debris. Something captures his attention ... a Sony tape recorder that is bent ridiculously out of shape. He picks it up, looks at it from every angle, licks it -- not edible. He throws it down, and in doing so the playback switch flips on. Immediately the jungle is filled with the voice of Frank Sinatra. SINATRA'S VOICE “Strangers in the night ... exchanging glances, wond'ring in the night ... what were the chances ...” All the natives hit the deck. The whole jungle is cast into silence as Old Blue Eyes tells it like it is. SINATRA'S VOICE “We'd be sharing love ... before the night was through...” As the natives lie there petrified, our camera pans up through the trees into the clouds. TITLES OVER: SINATRA'S VOICE “Something in your eyes was so inviting, Something in your smile was so exciting Something in my heart told me I must have you Strangers in the night Two lonely people we were Strangers in the night up to the moment when we said our first hello Little did we know, Love was just a glance away, a warm embracing dance away and… We travel from the jungles of Africa to the jungles of South Philadelphia. Dawn is breaking. SINATRA'S VOICE “Ever since that night, we've been together,

Then we see a nightstand. I'm sleepin' here. Comb your hair. our camera closes in on an open second-story window. Eat breakfast. MICKEY CLOCK Good morning.lovers at first sight.. we can move to da country and raise chickens for all I care.MORNING As the do-be-do-be-doo's fade to an end. Getcha hands off me. TONY Getcha hands off me. Mousekateers! . one thing I know for sure. on it is an ashtray overflowing with burned out Lucky Strikes. MICKEY CLOCK Good morning. MICKEY CLOCK Good morning. We hear a click and Mickey speaks.POLICE CHECKING FOR GREEN CARDS. Have a nice day. The time is 7:15. Have a nice day. as long as I have you.. (puckers his lips) Camera focuses on a large Mickey Mouse Clock. Tony starts to mumble and moan. in love forever It turned out so right for strangers in the night. Comb your hair. We see a TV that has been left on all night with a test pattern that is not quite holding vertical. Eat breakfast.” A black toupee sits on a headstand next to an autographed picture of Frank Sinatra.” EXT. 'Cause honey. All this belongs to a baldheaded figure who is lying in bed talking in his sleep. LOW INCOME DISTRICT . I love ya. give me a break . TONY Oh baby. Faded curtains wave in the breeze as the camera moves into the room. The signature looks as if a child had written it. TONY Come on. Also a newspaper. with headlines: “ILLEGAL ALIENS ENTERING COUNTRY -. Mousekateers! Time to wake up! Brush your teeth. Mousekateers! Time to wake up! Brush your teeth.

. For the other half to rise. EXT. Comb your hair. yeah. “I told ya” look.MORNING . Next he fiddles for his wig and places it on his head. Please.KIDS KID 1 Yeah. Tony's up. TONY Where's a cigarette? I gotta have a cigarette. so's your old man. cool it. TONY Yeah. causing it to fall on the floor. KID 3 Five will get you ten he bums a cigarette. KID 2 Hey. He walks over to the fire escape facing the street. He gets up out of bed. He looks down and sees the neighborhood kids hanging out on the corner before school starts. he needs a cigarette. Empty.Time to wake up! Brush your teeth. Tony is half awake. STREET CORNER .. I'll push your face right in your soup. KID 2 (yelling up to Tony) Hey. MICKEY CLOCK Comb your hair. Listen. TONY Don't gimme that crap. Tony. More moans. Comb your hair. KID 2 (throwing Tony a cig) . It stops. He reaches for the Lucky Strike pack. please. How ya doin'. how ya doin'. does anybody have a cigarette on 'em? Kid 3 gives others that. how you doin'? Without a cigarette Tony looks and sounds like a wimp. Tony's hand strikes the clock.

light already. It does -. the pause and then the exhale..Sure. If y'know what I mean! Tony struts back inside his empty room. Tony Clifton has risen! TONY (coming to life) How ya doin'! How ya doin'! So. it lands on the fire escape and he has to bend to pick it up. By now. da old technique. We hear the lungs inhale. Ya gotta be a man. come on. Ya gotta use your hands. ya wanna know how she was last night? I'll tell ya . Ton! . So. Man. then they all cut out without Tony knowing. Ya gotta show da woman dat you're not a wimp. how did it go last night? Tony misses the cigarette. TONY And another thing. I don't know how you do it every night. As a matter a fact. Y'know . KID 2 Tony.. Ya tell 'em dat an' ya got em' eatin' outta de palm a ya hand. TONY Come on.. ya tell 'em da natural order a things. she was just like Sophia Loren. she's waitin' for me inside right dis moment. woman.. Sinatra's picture seems to be grinning.. one kid looks at his watch. taps the other two guys on the shoulders. all in da foreplay. TONY I'll tell ya.. dog. it's all in da foreplay .finally flame meets tobacco. Ya gotta use your speech. KID 1 (to other kids) Who's Sophia Loren? They shrug their shoulders. . He then tries to get his cigarette lighter working. Tony is puffing and strutting along the fire escape as only he knows how.. I'm gonna lay a little more pipe before I start da old day. While Tony is expounding his philosophy of life. Coulda been her twin sister..

KONWAY (mockingly) Two of 'em. TONY I'm gonna make believe I didn't hear dat.. Clifton. TONY (bragging) If ya think that's somethin'. just like a ham sandwich . as a matter of fact. BUGSY Gee.SLOW DISSOLVE INT. As the camera pans their faces.ASSEMBLY LINE . ya shoulda seen the chiquita I had last night. KONWAY (taking toothpick out of mouth) We gotta get ourselves a radio around here. AUNTY DEB Who needs a radio when we dun got Tony? KONWAY I wanna listen to music. Face it. Next to him is Bugsy Meyer. we see bleak expressions mirroring the monotony of their jobs. not bullshit.WORKERS busy on the line. a robust black woman. you've never even seen how it looks! . BUGSY Two of 'em. We end on Tony... I had two of 'em last night.. screwing the tops on salt and pepper shakers as they go by on a conveyor belt. two of em . Nearby is Aunty Deb. Tony's pal... just like a ham sandwich. CUT TO KONWAY another worker who finds Tony definitely not worth the price of admission. SALT & PEPPER SHAKER PLANT . wow! TONY That's right.

TONY I'll tell ya how it looks. TONY Yeah. the boss is gonna hear you. TONY I don't care. (stumped) . KONWAY Oh.. take it easy... man. I've seen how it looks plenty a times. KONWAY Oh. so's your old man! WORKER 1 Will you guys quit it .. ham sandwich.. yeah? TONY Yeah! KONWAY Yeah? Tell me how it looks then. TONY It looks just like a . KONWAY Bullshit! TONY (remembering the kids that morning) Yeah. I've seen it plenty a times. you're full a shit too. You're so full of shit. BUGSY Tony. He ain't tellin' me I've never seen how it looks. KONWAY Okay. TONY . tell me..TONY Don't tell me I've never seen how it looks.

nobody's even touching you. KONWAY I'll tell you what's going on. WORKER 1 Now you guys've done it. KONWAY (giving him the finger) Get bent. don't you ever touch me again. man . He hears the commotion and starts to walk over. KONWAY What are you talking about? I didn't even touch you. Rathman. FOREMAN What the hell is going on here? BUGSY Why nothin'.. fella. TONY Getcha hands off me. . TONY Getcha hands off me! Getcha hands off me! CUT TO FOREMAN a no-nonsense task master. or I'll call a cop! KONWAY You're wacko. I'll call a cop.He ain't tellin' me I've never seen how it looks. Mr. TONY That's it.. TONY (rabid) Don't you ever touch me mister. Here come the boss.

Clifton. TONY That's right. I'm not going to warn you again. They go back to work for a while but Tony can't let it go. It's a bunch a crap anyway. I don't have ta take dat kind a crap. TONY Yeah. well. TONY (to Bugsy) He's just jealous 'cause he ain't gettin' any. You heard the boss . Now he's tellin' us he had two of 'em at the same time. well I'm not payin' you either.. if ya ask me. get back to work or I'll fire the whole lot of you. TONY (mumbling) Tellin' me I've never seen how it looks. . they can have it. We're not payin' you to tell stories about your screwin'. FOREMAN (bewildered) Now everybody.This mental case here is startin' with the stories again. What's the sense a standin' here all day screwin' on these tops when people get 'em home they have ta unscrew 'em anyway. FOREMAN Clifton. Just like a ham sandwich. KONWAY Watch it. BUGSY Take it easy. no more stories! He leaves. Tony. There's plenty of guys who would love to have your jobs. TONY Yeah.. there's other guys just waiting for these jobs. talk like that is un-American. and you. Clifton.

meaninful in life. Y'know what I mean? BUGSY (trying to comprehend) Yeah. y' know. WORKER 1 Will you guys please. like . (pause) Tonight you wanna go bowlin'? TONY Bowlin'? I'll tell ya what we should do.. BUGSY A disco? ... It's about dis girl. pal. please stop? BUGSY Tony. I saw dis movie last night on TV....disco-tago.TONY Don't talk to me about America. please. heaven. Disco -.. We'll go dancin' . (aside to Bugsy) Dere must be somethin' more ta life than just standin' around here.. she goes over da rainbow and she sees paradise. Maybe we should go over the rainbow. Those girls are a little too young for us aren't they? .. TONY All right.. WORKER 1 Will you guys stop already? TONY One a these days I'm gonna walk right outta here! KONWAY Is that a threat or a promise? TONY It's a threat and a promise.. I'll show ya how to pick up some chiquitas. Y'know. She sees like .

We hear the theme from “Saturday Night Fever” and at any moment we'd expect Travolta to walk in. TONY Come on. I'll show ya. Peach tuxedo with cumberbun.LATER Laser lighting. I don't know... (spots a Girl) You see that chick over dere? We see an attractive Girl standing alone. what ya got cookin'? . TONY Lemme tell ya somethin' about the female species a manhood . they're old enough to butcher. BUGSY But I don't know how to dance. We'll get all snazzed up.. I'm gonna show ya how it's done. Couples are dancing to the latest disco hits. With him is an uncomfortable Bugsy. I don't think this is our kind of place. vibrating dance floor. There's no one over 25 in the place. TONY Watch dis . He's dressed to kill.. Tony approaches Girl. good lookin'. BUGSY Tony. if they're old enough ta bleed. I can do the twister better'n Chubby Checker. TONY Hey. BUGSY (embarrassed) Gee. TONY Don't worry..TONY Da way I look at it Bugsy is . they're nothin' but a life support system for a pussy. (smirk) CUT TO INT. Clifton appears.. Bugsy watches from afar. fog machines. DISCOTHEQUE . Tony. Instead.

CUT TO A FEW SECONDS LATER . (seriously) To Frank and da boys. okay. Well. TONY (whispering) Oh. I let her off easy. BUGSY What did she say? TONY What did who say? BUGSY The girl you were just talking to. asshole. (pause) Don't worry. I ain't dancin' wid no broad wid no hair lip. I can take a hint. She leaves. TONY Okay.TONY & BUGSY sitting at the bar drinking. Tony struts back to Bugsy. . at closer inspection I realized da broad had a hair lip.How'd ya like ta cook somethin' up with me? (stupid grin) GIRL Would I what? TONY Do ya wanna shake a leg? Y'know. TONY I'd like ta make a toast. slice up da dance floor a little? GIRL Get lost. Camera pans room as we see young people dancing. her.

. (smirk) A well-endowed young beauty walks by. But to Tony it makes no difference.opens on impact. is anybody home? ... He has no toilet paper.g.. TONY (yelling) Hey.. Bartender. TONY Hey. if y'know what I mean.. is anybody here? He starts punching the stall. TONY (smirk) Get this one. Polish parachute.. Bugsy.they stand in a circle. doing the famous “Clifton Smirk. TONY Get a load a da bazookas on dat one! BUGSY Wow! TONY (getting up) Listen. (smirk) Polish firin' squad. we see the Bartender way at the other end of the bar. INT. did ya hear about da Polish whose wife had triplets? He went out lookin' for da other two guys? Tony laughs. They clink glasses and drink. TONY Hey.TONY sitting in a stall without a door. Hey. hey. BATHROOM .BUGSY Frank and the boys. I'm gonna go into da old bathroom here and take a load off my mind.” In the b. where's da toilet paper here? I got no toilet paper. busy: he's not even capable of hearing Tony.

. ya got it now. I need toilet paper. Tony comes out and is straightening himself in front of the mirror. Pee Wee starts brushing him off with a whisk broom. PEE WEE I don't know what you mean by dat. PEE WEE Okay already. if y'know what I mean. you got no toilet paper. PEE WEE Well. I'm just tryin' ta do my job here. PEE WEE (hands him toilet paper) Okay.. smoking a stogie. I'll get ya some.Is anybody home .. you'll damage da threads. TONY It's a joke.. We hear a flush. WASHROOM VALET a black midget. It's from television. why din't ya say so? TONY I'm sayin' so. TONY Not too hard. TONY What kind a place ya runnin' here? I'm droppin' a load . not too hard. Don't squeeze da Charmin. His name is Pee Wee. PEE WEE . It's a joke. PEE WEE What's wrong in dere? What's da problem? TONY Da problem is dere's no toilet paper. TONY And don't squeeze da Charmin.

Ya need a little cologne? TONY Well. TONY Dat's right . a little bit easier . yeah? Any girl I want. huh? . make da girl enjoy it more. But ya put just a little splash a dis stuff on an' it makes it just a little bit easier. TONY Oh.BOTTLE OF PURPLE PASSION A ridiculous-looking bottle.. PEE WEE Dat's right.. TONY Oh. you got it.. CLOSEUP . PEE WEE Ya put dis stuff on. yeah! What's it called? PEE WEE Purple Passion.. I got cologne here ya can't buy anywhere else. TONY Not that she's not gonna enjoy me in da first place. I don't need any help. whatta ya got dere? PEE WEE I got the hottest cologne in town. it is shown radiating bright purple light and we hear bleeding saxophones. NOTE: Every time we see the bottle. PEE WEE I can see dat! I can see a man in yo' sitchation don't need dis. PEE WEE . right dere.. you can go out dere an' get any girl ya want. TONY Purple Passion? PEE WEE Dere it is.

Tony doesn't see it.. TONY Well. TONY Like hotcakes.Oh no.BOTTLE it says 95 cents. not dat. dis stuff is imported all the way from Taiwan. huh? . TONY Taiwan. Dis da last bottle left. dis stuff'll change yo' life. PEE WEE I think you be puttin' too much o' dat stuff on! .. All da rest sold like hotcakes. PEE WEE Nine dollars and fi'ty cents. All right. TONY Nine dollars! PEE WEE Dat's right. I'll sell it fo' nine dollars.. PEE WEE Here ya go. Take it or leave it. TONY Nine dollars and fifty cents? PEE WEE But fo' you. TONY Change my life. tell me. huh? PEE WEE Dat's right . thank you very much.. how much is it? CLOSEUP . Tony pays the midget and then starts splashing the Purple Passion all over himself. huh? PEE WEE Dat's right. I'll take it.

Cologne himself.. whatever ya wanna give me. I'll tell ya that much. how much ya want? PEE WEE Well. TONY Dat reminds me a da time I was in the war. I live offa my tips. If I didn't get tips. Whatta ya think.TONY Dat's all right. TONY Whatever I wanna give ya? . Mr. I was stationed in Cologne and --PEE WEE (interrupting) I wish I could stay here all day an' listen to ya. TONY Ya want a tip. I make money offa dis stuff? Dis all goes to da management. Maybe you can just give me somethin' fo' myself an' we can call it a day. TONY Tell me. but I got some urinals to clean. He puts his hand out for a tip. Cologne from Cologne. you're talkin' ta Mr. PEE WEE I don't know what you mean. I'd have ta find myself another job.. Don't tell me how ta put on cologne . huh? PEE WEE Dat's right. I know what I'm doin'. If y'know what I mean. TONY Whatta ya got ya hand out dere for? Whatta ya talkin' about? PEE WEE Whatta ya think I'm talkin' about? I'm talkin' about the tip.

TONY (authoritative) By da way . man -. Why don't ya get a ladder so I don't have ta look down at ya. TONY Mappy? Sounds just like happy. if y'know what I mean.get outta here. Tony pushes the midget in the face. Tony fends him off and leaves. My mappy and pappy dun worked on da plantation. TONY How about a penny? PEE WEE A penny! I don't want no penny. PEE WEE Green card! I don't need no green card. Tony takes out a penny and flips it on the floor.. (flips another coin) PEE WEE You're crazy. PEE WEE I don't know what you mean! You just get outta here! TONY Shut up. TONY Here's a penny. The midget starts to kick Tony in the shins. . See if ya can catch this one in your mouth. PEE WEE (furious) What? Get outta here! TONY Here.. I wanna see your green card.PEE WEE Dat's right.

now alone.. We can actually see the fumes rising off his person. sees another table of people and struts up to them. gimme a bowl of noodles... Next.OUTSIDE OF MEN'S ROOM . looks around. CUT TO BUGSY . sounds just like ah . eatin' a bowl a noodles.. He walks up to a Girl. (laughs) Dat reminds me a da time I was eatin' a bowl a noodles. what have we here. and you all are the kaboodle. Dat's for me ta know and you ta find out. TONY Why. Tony. They are heavy into conversation. TONY How ya doin'... well. Tony sees four eligible girls sitting at a table. thank you very much. well ... noodle. which parts like the Red Sea to let him and his scent pass. She's da kit . TONY (continuing anyway) Kaboodle . I was sittin' in a restaurant in Cologne... honey? GIRL You smell! She walks away holding her nose. It looks ta me like da whole kit and kaboodle. TONY Well. TONY Dat reminds me a da time I was in Cologne. Tony makes his way through the crowd. stops his story. The girls' boyfriends return and they all get up and leave.TONY douses himself again with Purple Passion. As in. Dat's my secret.. (points to one girl) .. Tony struts over and stands right next to them. (smirk) The girls are totally oblivious to Tony. kaboodle .

another round here. The place is silent. Jesus! What's that smell? TONY Dat's my little secret. BARTENDER You want another one? BUGSY No thanks. (smirk. tell me. I think these kids need ta learn a little lesson here.at the bar drinking. thinking it might be something important. my little secret. one's plenty. TONY The hustle! It looks more like da bustle ta me... TONY (yelling) Stop da music . (proud smirk) Hey. (getting up) BUGSY Tony. smirk) Did I miss anything when I was gone? Were dere any chiquitas lookin' for me? BUGSY No. I'm pleased ta report that everything came out all right. Bugsy. TONY . what didja do. fall in? TONY Well. The DJ stops the music. stop da music. Tony walks up and sits down next to Bugsy. That's no way ta dance. don't. Bugsy. what's that dance they're doin' dere? BUGSY I think they call it the hustle. BUGSY Gee. Tony steps onto the dance floor. Ton. Bartender.

) Tony unbuttons his coat and starts to twist. BOY 1 Get lost! BOY 2 I think your prom date just left without you! TONY I think you better watch your mouth or I'll push your face right into your soup! At this point the DJ realizes the man's crazed and puts the music back on. 2:20 AM and the place is almost empty. Where's Bugsy. We hear numerous boos and catcalls. It's a pitiful spectacle to behold. Bugsy is embarrassed and tries to hide his face.LATER ... Bugsy is passing out at the bar. TONY (twisting) This is how it's done. get your mojo's workin'. TONY Here's a new dance sensation I call da “Clifton Strut. Okay. BUGSY Tony. da evenin's still young. DISCO . Groovy. We're gonna pick up some chicks. he should be out here learnin' dis step. . Tony's still carrying on. eatin' dis bowl a noodles. We have to work tomorrow. (Hit song written especially for the film. The Bartender is cleaning up. groovy.” He starts puffing and strutting back and forth in tempo with the music.CLOCK reads. Lemme buy ya another drink. I can't stay up any longer. TONY Whatta ya mean . TONY I'm sittin' in dis restaurant in Cologne. The Owner is counting the drawer. INT.I've been watchin' you people here and it seems ta me you all don't know how ta dance. okay.

TONY Why didn't ya tell a guy? BARTENDER I told you three times in the last fifteen minutes. BARTENDER No. mister. OWNER What seems to be the trouble here? TONY I don't care. The owner comes over. you're gonna have to leave. the bar is closed. what seems ta be da trouble wid you? . TONY Just keep your hands to yourself. I'll call a cop. I'll just nurse my drink here. Bartender. Getcha hands off me. (reaches for Tony's drink) TONY Getcha hands off me. BARTENDER I didn't touch you. TONY Okay. look. You're not getting any more drinks.Hey. Just lemme have one more drink. BARTENDER Hey. BARTENDER You ain't nursing no drink. another drink for old Bugsy here. TONY Look. We're not losing our liquor license. we're closed. that's it fellas. TONY Whatta ya mean? BARTENDER We closed the bar twenty minutes ago.

BARTENDER Billy. TONY Closed. Tony... dis is my associate. huh? Okay. and I'm Tony Clifton Esquire. TONY Dis ain't no partner. Clifton Esquire. fine. the guy's a nut. OWNER (aside to Bartender) Take it easy.. Bugsy Meyer of Clifton and Meyer Esquire.. I'll take a club ta you. You will never see my face . TONY . No problem. BUGSY Come on. As a matter of fact . let's go. I told him a half hour ago last call. If you just leave with your partner here ... there's no trouble with me. Mr. he wants another drink. TONY All right fine. BARTENDER (pissed) Come on. or next time I'm gonna take my gang somewhere else. now if you would just .. OWNER Fine. sir. pal. fine! OWNER Okay. He told you we're closed. OWNER I'm sorry. come on.. TONY You better get some better records around here.OWNER Why. get out of here before I take a club to you.

TONY What? Did I hear somethin'? I'm waitin' . I'm gonna go back where I belong! Tony walks into the hall and back in again. (struts back and forth) OWNER (to Bartender) Don't even look at him.around here again . Tony leaves. the Owner rushes over and locks the door. I can tell where I'm not wanted. Frank Sinatra is a personal friend a mine. only to appear once more.. I'm gonna tell da Federal Drug and Administration Building that you're waterin' your drinks. He leaves and before he has a chance to return. As a matter of fact.BUGSY getting into a cab. And I'm not gonna tell my friends about dis dump. He'll leave. TONY And another thing .NIGHT . DISCO . did I hear somethin'? Owner and Bartender are silent. BUGSY Can I drop you anywhere. And I know people in high places. Tony? TONY .. I guess I'm gonna leave.. TONY Well... They start to leave but Tony walks back in.... TONY . OWNER (to Bartender) We gotta put up a new age restriction -no one allowed over thirty! EXT.

“PARADISE MASSAGE PARLOR” and a much smaller sign that reads. Bugs. the hour. TONY . Tony is standing before a storefront with a sign that reads. TONY (to driver) If he doesn't get ta his destination... UNSAVORY PART OF TOWN . well. (continues reading) TONY What kind a massage do ya got here? NORMAN (by rote) We have three different types . “Your Wildest Dreams Come True. and the “deluxe” three hour massage. The cab peels away. plummeting the street into a gray darkness.. I got your number. EXT. BUGSY Yeah. well. pulls up his collar and struts down the street. The half hour. well.NORMAN the receptionist / bouncer.NIGHT We see adult movie theatres. Tony lights up a Lucky. I think I'm gonna walk around a little .. etc. One by one the colorful outside lights of the disco go out. baby? It says “massage!” That's what it is.” INT. (to Bugsy) Take care. massage parlors. communicate wid Mother Nature. is sitting behind a glass partition reading the latest issue of “Soldier of Fortune. What do we have here? NORMAN Did you read the sign outside. MASSAGE PARLOR .No. when you see her. y'know. communicate her one for me. TONY Dat I will Bugsy.” Tony enters. TONY Well. dat I will.WAITING ROOM .

but I don't want a massage? NORMAN That's it.. I was only kiddin'..What's da difference? NORMAN (puts down magazine) You come in here every other night and I explain the whole thing to you . TONY Well just tell me. Really. Second massage is the one with the oil.. (smirk) Were you born or hatched? Norman stands up ready to go after Tony. NORMAN You're just trying to see the girls for free again and it's not going to work. TONY It was a joke! . TONY What if I want a hot towel. TONY All right.. which one's with the oil here? NORMAN (losing patience) First massage you receive hot towels. Either put up or get out. You know damn well you have no plans of ever going in the back. What does da deluxe mean? NORMAN (stepping out of booth) That's it. it was just a joke! Just one last question. TONY Wait a minute . . I'm not going to explain it to you again. Third massage you get both.. I just wanna ask one more question. I've had enough. if I may.. I promise.

TONY That sounds good ta me. NORMAN (for the last time) The deluxe. they rub you. thanks. you choose one of 'em. here is da bucks for da deluxe.. TONY Thank you.TONY No really. you soak in the Jacuzzi.” TONY The “real thing. (hands Norman ten-dollar tip) NORMAN (money always does the trick) Why. (hands Norman money) And a little somethin' for you. Underneath it I always thought you had a lot of class. . my good man.” huh? NORMAN Correct.. I want you to stand right on the X on the floor there. Finally. NORMAN Now. the whole bit. Four girls take you in the back. and you do the “real thing. tonight I'm gonna go for it. Let me buzz you in. they oil you. Could I see da girls first? NORMAN Get the fuck out of here! The day you buy the deluxe is the day I become pope. TONY Well. get ready ta genuflect then. because . go upstairs. TONY (interrupting) That X must symbolize X rated. my good man.

She gently takes the little bird off her shoulder..ANNA getting into her little Honda wagon and pulling away. ANNA Oh! Sorry guys. STREET IN FRONT OF ANNA'S APARTMENT . Tony enters as the door slowly closes behind him. STREET IN FRONT OF MASSAGE PARLOR . the door opens. kisses it and places it on a perch.NIGHT . On the back bumper is a sticker that reads: “I Brake for Animals. ANNA (putting on coat) All right. NORMAN May your wildest dreams come true. spilling a red light across Tony's face. no Jennifer. A bird lands on her shoulder.” EXT. ANNA Bye! She walks out the door. ANNA'S APARTMENT . CUT TO INT.. mama's got to go to work. X rated. Norman presses the buzzer.NORMAN That's right.NIGHT We see Anna just arriving. . ANNA No. EXT. I almost forgot! She walks over to the TV and turns it on. This harmonious little setting belongs to Anna. Camera opens up to reveal more birds and more cats.A BIRD standing on the back of a snoozing cat. She starts walking out of the house but remembers something. you can't go with me. you guys .

He is surrounded by four beautiful topless girls. Norman.INT.NORMAN is at the desk still reading.. who would? NORMAN Gas 'em. San Francisco . Norman! NORMAN Hello. TONY (big ending) “When I come home to you. He's throwing money around as if if were water. ANNA What's that? NORMAN We got a real swinger back there tonight.. He is wearing a pink shower cap and singing the end of the song. CANDY Tony.” Girls applaud. yeah I know. the animals! It's always the animals with you. I had to feed -NORMAN Yeah. You're late. baby.TONY sitting in a bubbling Jacuzzi. MASSAGE PARLOR . your golden light will shine on me. MASSAGE PARLOR . We hear Tony's singing coming from the back room. ANNA Hi. INT. that was wonderful! TONY Really! Ya think so? . I'd catch some before it's all gone. ANNA I'm sorry.WAITING ROOM .PROPER . isn't it? ANNA If I didn't take care of them.

Couldn't you just see it girls.CANDY Really! I think you sounded just like Tony Bennett. y'know. (singing) “I have often walked down . A guy with your voice should have a singing career. TONY I sound like Frank? MARGO Better! KITTY Tony. huh? CANDY Sure! You could have records out. KITTY How long have you been there? TONY Eighteen years. CANDY Eighteen years! You're being wasted there. “Tony Clifton Sings Just To You. no! More like Frank Sinatra. yeah! Ya think I could become big. MARGO (winking to Candy) Oh. I've sorta been workin' on this assembly line. TONY Oh.” The other girls are trying to stifle themselves from laughing. what do you do for a living? TONY Well. waitin' for somethin' else ta open up. TONY (dreamlike) Just like Frank! Get a load of dis one.

Candy walks in. MASSAGE PARLOR .. CANDY What's the matter? ANNA Nothing. we'd love to stay but it's that time again and we have other customers waiting. CANDY Come on. Candy senses something wrong from Anna's silence. ANNA The man's a customer and he should get what he paid for! CANDY All right! Then you take him upstairs. TONY Oh! Well.PROPER . the guy's a fat jerk. All at once am I . MASSAGE PARLOR . nothin'. INT. that's all.ANNA . CANDY We got a fat pig in there who's handing out twenties just to listen to him squeal. Tony reaches for his wallet and hands each girl a twenty. Anna stares at it for a moment and then takes it.ANNA getting out of her street clothes into a bikini. TONY (singing) “I have often walked down this street before. here's some more money for ya.this street before. I believe in working for my money. Candy hold a twenty out.” CANDY Tony.. but the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before.EMPLOYEE ROOM .” INT. no back massage.

Tony sees her nude. What's your name. Here's a twenty for ya.. what have we here. Tony spots her. Just follow me. Anna leads Tony up the stairs into a room with a large round bed and mirrors. Tony steps out of the Jacuzzi. TONY You're a very pretty lady.. Other girls sensing the jig is up.. He is wearing boxer shorts. TONY Where are we goin'? ANNA Upstairs. TONY . well .walks in. TONY Where's everybody goin'? ANNA It's all right. ANNA You've spent enough. TONY (nervous) Wait . little girl? ANNA My name is Anna... ANNA (undressing) Just leave everything to me. I'd like ta know what we're doin'. What . well.. wait a minute. TONY Well. what are we doin' here? Before we do anything. wait .. honey. It's time for you to go upstairs now. begin to leave..

. I ain't never done this before. Top a da mornin' to ya! . TONY Wait . He reaches for a cigarette. TONY How ya doin'! Beautiful day. STREET IN FRONT OF MASSAGE PARLOR .. SALT AND PEPPER FACTORY . There is an empty space where Tony usually is. wait . ANNA Ssssh. isn't it. He moves away. Mousekateers! Time to wake up! Brush your teeth. Eat breakfast. Anna's car is in the same spot. The time is 10:17. Together they descend to the bed as we: SLOW FADE INT. The sun is shining and birds are singing. Ya see. Konway is picking his teeth with delight. Camera opens up to reveal Tony's unslept-in bed.Somebody pinch me. TONY'S ROOM .DAY The street has taken on a new look. Bugsy worriedly looks up at the clock. CUT TO EXT.. Have a nice day. Merchants have replaced hookers. Gently she puts her finger over his mouth. obviously a changed man.NEXT MORNING .WORKERS busy on the line. CUT TO INT. She moves closer to Tony. thinks twice and puts it back in the pack.ASSEMBLY LINE . We see the Foreman pacing back and forth. You're beautiful. Comb your hair. (staring down at his feet) I'm a little embarrassed about this..CLOSE ON MICKEY CLOCK MICKEY CLOCK Good morning. He starts strolling down the street greeting each and every person he passes. wait a minute. I wanna tell ya somethin'. Tony is just now leaving.

I wonder what got into Tony? KID 2 Maybe he dropped acid! CUT TO INT. Looks just like a human bein'. the time is 12:10. Pee Wee . feeling very much at home. Pee Wee is working in Tony's spot.TONY strolling down the street licking an ice cream cone. . Tony! Just gettin' up? KID 2 Yeah! She must of been a real “hot one” last night.FOREMAN taking a little round pill with a glass of water. TONY Oh.. smirk) He continues on his way. Just like a human bein'. KID 1 Hey. the black midget. look how cute! Coo che coo che coo. I spent da evenin' readin' a book.DAY .FOREMAN explaining Tony's job to a new worker. Ton? TONY I don't know what you're talkin' about. FRONT OF PLAYGROUND . CUT TO: EXT. KID 1 Gee. SALT AND PEPPER FACTORY .. (smirk. look at that. SALT AND PEPPER FACTORY . He passes the neighborhood kids playing basketball. Bugsy looks at the clock. Coo che coo che coo. huh. CUT BACK TO: INT.A woman pushing the baby in a stroller walks towards Tony.

you're fired. KONWAY (assured) No one's as bad as Clifton! (smiles at Pee Wee) Just then we hear a commotion coming from the back of the plant. in case you haven't been listening .PEE WEE (yapping) Dis is much better den workin' fo' tips. you're four hours late . KONWAY Clifton! FOREMAN (running to Tony) Clifton. Konway.. this midget's as bad as Clifton. PEE WEE (popping eyes) I can't believe my poppin' eyes! We see Tony strutting confidently down the aisle.. He doesn't even have a green card. chump! TONY Dis guy's an illegal alien. I'll tell ya that much. . you're fired! TONY Fired? (spots Pee Wee) Hey! What's he doin' here? PEE WEE Your job! You've been dumped. Why just last night da craziest lookin' mother I'd ever seen flipped me a penny and wanted to see my green card! WORKER 1 Green card! (to Konway) Hey... FOREMAN Tony.

The next time you're gonna see dis face. PEE WEE Ya better embark . well. record albums. “Tony Sings Just To You. well.TONY Fired. Some of the workers applaud. what didja win. Could you leave now? TONY I'm leavin'. (smirk.. it's gonna be on television. FOREMAN (unimpressed) Wonderful. KONWAY Oh. Tony. smirk) The second is dat for da first time I was made aware of a rare talent dat I possess. huh? Well.. I'm leavin.. The first is my own personal secret. I don't need dis job anymore. you ain't gettin' dis job back! TONY No cracks from da peanut gallery. It just so happens I came back to tell you . I quit. Ton. da sweepstakes? TONY Somethin' just as good. I . am a singer of songs. Last night I made two discoveries dat changed my life.... (not leaving) I'll probably have my own TV show .. I'm happy for you. BUGSY Quit! Gee.. Christ! TONY And I have decided ta embark on a singin' career. Bugsy.” BUGSY .

As a matter of fact. When I play Vegas. CALIFORNIA” is supered on the screen. considered the granddaddy of the comedy showcase... in the kitchen so is the cook. Thank you and good night. FADE OUT FADE IN “HOLLYWOOD. TONY I just wanna say one last thing. INT. The joint's jammed. you will never see my face in dis place again and that's a promise. if I may. he returns.. FOREMAN (to Bugsy and Aunty Deb) Both of you back to work! Or I'll can you. checkbook. INT. IMPROVISATION CLUB The well-known Hollywood night spot.I'll buy one.KITCHEN . Tony! AUNTY DEB I'll buy two. On stage a stand-up comedian is plying his trade . More workers boo.. I'm leavin'. none a ya except for Bugsy and Aunty Deb are gettin' in. too! TONY Okay.ZMUDA the cook.. take it easy . is slapping hamburgers onto a grill.. Some workers applaud. He leaves . he returns.. TONY And another thing. okay.. IMPROVISATION . A Waitress stomps in and throws down her ZMUDA What's wrong? . He leaves . and give one to Konway here.

. (adds mayo) And now ... Lettuce... lettuce. She picks up the violated entree. Zmuda makes a “hocking” sound in his throat and spits directly on the burger.. let's see.. FOREIGN MAN (to Zmuda) Excuse me. medium rare. ZMUDA (matter of factly) So bust his. is dis dee kitchen? ZMUDA Who the hell are you? Foreign Man enters the room carrying a suitcase.. All right. he tell me . medium rare.. (adds lettuce) Tomato . tomato and mayo.. She stares back in disbelief . What an asshole! ZMUDA Take it easy. soon the shock fades. What's his order? WAITRESS Cheeseburger. Zmuda serves up a cheeseburger and places it on a bun. FOREIGN MAN Dee boss . just a little revenge. . He plops a bun on top. ZMUDA Cheeseburger. slides it onto a plate and hands it to the Waitress. (adds tomato) Mayo .. and get myself fired! ZMUDA Not fired. revenge. pleeze .... A few beats go by and then in pops the face of Foreign Man. I am to go on dee stage next and I should wait in dee kitchen. smiles and breezes out the swinging kitchen doors.WAITRESS (ready to crack) This idiot customer is busting my chops. WAITRESS Sure.

cringes in the corner. dee Elvis Presley. He puts on an Elvis jacket. enters.. The audience breaks up. but not to be dee least.ZMUDA Oh.THE STAGE .. Zmuda picks up a butcher knife and threateningly walks toward Foreign Man. did he? (getting mad) Well.. FOREIGN MAN You meathead! Get out of dee chair. he looks and sounds exactly the same. . the emcee/proprietor.. terrified.. He turns his back to us but when he turns back around. Just then Budd Friedman. FOREIGN MAN For my next impression. concealing the knife. He approaches the mike and this time speaks in an exact Presley dialect.. (bowing) Dank you veddy much.. The band vamps as Foreign Man turns around once more. CUT TO INT. he did. and cut off . IMPROVISATION CLUB . I'd like to do dee Archie Bunker. everybody is stupid. BUDD (to Foreign Man) You're next. combs his hair and straps on a guitar. As a matter of fact. I'd like to do dee last. .. kid.FOREIGN MAN is performing. ZMUDA ... You dingbat! Get back in dee kitchen and fix me dee food . I don't like anybody in my kitchen. Zmuda abruptly turns away. FOREIGN MAN And now. He IS the King of Rock and Roll. your FUCKING HEAD!!! Foreign Man. I'm gonna take this butcher knife here . When he turns back around the metamorphosis is complete.

. like I said. ELVIS (singing) “When you find your sweetheart in the arms of your best friend.. Budd enters with George Shapiro.KITCHEN Andy enters..” So I did . that's when your heartaches begin.. Elvis receives a standing ovation and leaves. when you bring a friend into your love affair. ELVIS The first song I ever recorded .. . IMPROVISATION . The stage lights dim and the band starts to play. Audience laughs. Mississippo . Elvis smiles. it was the first song I ever recorded and I made it for my mama as a birthday present and it went something like this.. to Zmuda) So. We can still hear the audience applauding. Audience goes crazy. what did you think? ZMUDA The ballad is definitely stronger. ANDY (routinely. At the end of the number..ELVIS Thank you very much.95. I think it was in 1921 . You see that love's a thing that you never can share. and I passed this record store .. ELVIS I was walkin' down the street in my home town of Tupelo.” A few women in the audience scream and swoon.. CUT TO INT.. “make your own record for $2. there was a sign in the window that said.

Andy.BUDD Andy. GEORGE Well. GEORGE Oh. I'd like to set up an audition.. Zmuda wipes his hand off on a towel and shakes with George.. ANDY Oh. This is George Shapiro. GEORGE . there's a part in a new sitcom that ABC is trying to cast. ANDY (shaking hands with George) Hello. I'm very impressed. yeah? ZMUDA Just the stuff that works. I just want to say that I thought you were great! I really did. ANDY You mean it? Wow! BUDD Well. Andy. and I think you'd be just perfect. BUDD George manages talent. But let me get right to the point. He writes some of my material. ANDY (to George) Thank you. say thank you to the man. ANDY Oh! This is my friend. it was just terrific . If it's all right with you. thank you. I want you to meet somebody. Bob Zmuda. GEORGE First of all.

Kaufman.. Who knows.... Bob. Listen. . Kaufman appears lost in a dream-like state. ANDY (intrigued) You think so? ZMUDA Why not? (presentational) And now.. (applauds) ANDY Thank you. ZMUDA (whispers) Thinking about her. you made my night ..... you can't possibly still be serious about that! (realizes Kauman is serious) You are!! (seriously) Tell me the story again. here's my card.. I have to get back to my table .My pleasure. (hands him card) Call me first thing in the morning. (shakes again with Andy) Thank you. aren't you? Kaufman nods. George leaves with Budd. nice meeting you. ladies and gentlemen . settle back while Andy Kaufman tells us a true life story. maybe you can use it in the act. it's . George. Zmuda intuitively knows what he's thinking. This true life story is called . ZMUDA You too.. called? ZMUDA (helping him out) Why you went into show business. ZMUDA (tries to get Kaufman out of it) Come on.

Only Little Andy and the six girls are left. CAPTAIN 2 I'll take . Paul Hollis. in Great Neck Grammar School . CUT TO EXT. along with two other boys and six girls. GREAT NECK GRAMMAR SCHOOL . CAPTAIN 1 I'll take Mike. Paul Hollis walks over.. . CAPTAIN 2 Sue. Two team captains (both boys) are choosing players for a game of baseball. Andy clears his throat. CAPTAIN I'll take . Mike walks over and joins the team. CAPTAIN 1 Carol. Mary Lou.. ANDY When I was eleven years old.PLAYGROUND We see a gym class of both boys and girls. Paul. be serious.... has yet to be chosen.ANDY Why I went into show business. Camera closes in on his face. CAPTAIN 1 Ruth. CAPTAIN I'll take Peggy. ANDY I am. She walks over. ZMUDA Now.. Little Andy Kaufman.

that I loved her.) At that precise moment I knew I had fallen in love. noises of the teammates snap Little Andy out of his trance. I was too shy to tell the love of my life . But that day never came. A fly ball has been hit deep into left field. CUT TO INT. The b. Their hands touch. but they're too late.LITTLE ANDY . NEIGHBORHOOD CLOSE TO THE SCHOOL .. Just her and me . He runs after it.. The ball flies over his head. always telling myself that today would be the day I'd walk up and talk to her. you better not drop any balls! CUT TO LEFT FIELD . Barbara...CAPTAIN 2 I'll take .NIGHT . and totally. ANDY (v. LITTLE ANDY'S BEDROOM .MOMENTS LATER where we see Little Andy talking to himself and totally oblivious to the game he's playing. ANDY (v. Eventually the shouts of his own teammates bring him around. He clumsily scrambles for the ball and throws it. We see she is being followed by Little Andy..o. in left field. CUT TO EXT.g..o.. She reaches for it at the exact same moment Andy does. who ducks in and out from behind trees. PLAYER That means we're stuck with Kaufman! Little Andy walks over to his team. CAPTAIN 1 (threateningly) Kaufman.) Every day for over a week I'd follow her home from school..LITTLE GIRL walking home. she looks him in the eye and smiles. It rolls to a stop right at the feet of an adorable little girl. innocently .

) For awhile I looked into various fields to become famous in. and guess who for? (she smiles) FADE OUT FADE IN “SIX MONTHS LATER” is supered on the screen.LITTLE ANDY studiously looking through a microscope.. LITTLE ANDY'S BEDROOM . I decided on show business. Besides. IMPROVISATION ..KITCHEN .ZMUDA mesmerized by the story. I would have to become famous.) It was that night that I made a promise to myself.because then and only then would I have the confidence to talk to her. tears in his eyes.. INT. it was a field where total idiots could become famous overnight! And since fame was my only prerequisite.o. INT.in bed.ANOTHER DAY . WAITRESS Another cheeseburger .) But after careful consideration. End flashback. INT. ANDY (v. It seemed easier that anything else. LITTLE ANDY'S BEDROOM .DAY . The mood is broken only by the entrance of the Waitress. ANDY (v.o. it was the logical choice. ..LITTLE ANDY playing the congas. ANDY (v. ANDY And that's why I went into show business.o.

Kaufman? ANDY Sure! Sure here you go. George. thank you. ANDY Hey! Hi. You're the best. Andy Kaufman is now playing Latka. ANDY You're welcome. I watch you every week. ANDY'S DRESSING ROOM George Shapiro and Bob Zmuda are already present. that's a rap! The audience applauds at the end of the taping. with love. Take care now. The studio audience laughs and applauds. LATKA (straight into camera) Dank you veddy much.INT. ANDY (signing autograph) To Mary. DIRECTOR All right. INT. The Director passes him. Andy Kaufman. DIRECTOR Great show. FAN Why. FAN Can I have your autograph. ”TAXI” SET We see a segment of the hit TV show ”Taxi. Mr. Andy enters.” being filmed. . What's your name? FAN Mary. The crew moves in and begins to strike the set as Andy starts to make his way back to his dressing room. Andy! ANDY Thank you! Thank you very much.

ANDY I do!? GEORGE (proud) . GEORGE Hey. The Valley Forge Music Fair. I have booked you at the Main Room of the Comedy Store .GEORGE Hi! Terrific show! ANDY Thank you. I've got your plane tickets for your first tour.. You're opening for Sha Na Na. (hands them to Zmuda) You open Tuesday night at San Diego State. But! Get this . ANDY (excited) Am I headlining? GEORGE No. listen guys. ANDY Really! GEORGE On Thursday you're at the Park West Theatre in Chicago.. headlining! ANDY Really!! GEORGE You even get to pick your opening act. Friday and Saturday you're at the Playboy Club in Lake Geneva. GEORGE Next you'll play Macomb University . ZMUDA Things are looking up.... when you return. and finally. Philadelphia..

ZMUDA Jesus Christ! ANDY (nervous) What am I gonna do? ZMUDA First thing is to calm down. SECURITY GUARD Excuse me.. Kaufman turns pale. ANDY Come in. that's not…? ANDY (stunned) It's her. Zmuda picks right up on it.You see what six months on a hit sitcom can do.. she says she went to grammar school with you.. There is a knock at the door. . Kaufman. Mr. Marilyn Comstack. ANDY To see me? SECURITY GUARD Yes. A Security Guard enters. ZMUDA Andy.. SECURITY GUARD Her name is . from grammar school. there is a young lady here to see you. GEORGE Who? ANDY Marilyn Comstack .

Kaufman frantically paces. ANDY What am I going to talk to her about? It's been over seventeen years.remember? They leave. please. I'll explain the whole thing to you on the way out. GEORGE Who is Marilyn Comstack? ZMUDA The love of his life. We see Marilyn Comstack. George and I are going to split. you're going to invite her up. Now. The Security Guard leaves. FADE OUT FADE IN EXT. She smiles exactly like she did that day in left field. The second thing is. Soon there is a knock at the door. George and Zmuda walk toward the door. ZMUDA. ANDY No! ZMUDA (to Security Guard) Have her come up.ANDY I don't believe it! ZMUDA Take it easy. ZMUDA (ensuring confidence) Your career -. She is still adorable. ANDY Please don't. grown up. SPEEDING LOCOMOTIVE . He summons all his courage and opens it.

The audience goes crazy..” The audience goes crazy. Andy sees this and gleams back. along with Mighty's voice.. DISSOLVE TO EXT. still gleaming.” “San Diego State Welcomes Andy. on cue. SPEEDING MOTORBOAT “LAKE GENEVA. Trouble never hands around when he hears this mighty sound. WISCONSIN” is supered on the screen.“San Diego. Ladies and Gentlemen.” Zmuda walks out on stage as the audience applauds in anticipation. “Dank You Veddy Much. PLAYBOY CLUB THEATRE . PARK WEST THEATRE . A few are holding up signs that way. The band starts to vamp. CHORUS “Mr. Kaufman bounces on stage like a pogo stick and sings “Oklahoma. DISSOLVE TO EXT. He just stands there.ANDY is about to perform his famous “Caspian Sea” routine. ANDY For my next number. Marilyn Comstack looks on gleamingly. Andy “Dank You Veddy Much” Kaufman. SPEEDING LOCOMOTIVE “CHICAGO. California” is supered on the screen. MIGHTY MOUSE'S VOICE “Here I come to save the day. ZMUDA And now. here he is . COLLEGE GYMNASIUM . waiting for the recorded Chorus to finish their stanza. takes a Mighty Mouse stance and lip synchs.ANDY is performing his famous Mighty Mouse routine. I'd like to .” Kaufman. INT. Zmuda approaches the mike.” In the wings. INT. ILLINOIS” is supered on the screen. INT.COLLEGE AUDIENCE There is foot stomping in the bleachers as they await the beginning of the show. In the front row we see Marilyn Comstack.

ANDY Come on.. in one of the more darkened and secluded backstage areas. The audience goes crazy. and I'd like to sing this next song just for you. confirming his suspicions.. PENNSYLVANIA” is supered on the screen.. A few yards behind him. He approaches the mike.ANDY on stage. She sees him and quickly adjusts her stance. She no longer gleams. “PHILADELPHIA...sing a song which is sung every year at harvest time in the islands of the Caspian Sea. Andy plays his congas and sings “Caspian Sea. Everybody sing! (singing) . INT. put your arms around the person sitting next to you and sway back and forth to the rhythm of the music. she's giving her phone number to an attractive-looking stage hand. enjoying the sheer simplicity of the moment.. ANDY (singing) “The world is such a wonderful place to wander through when you have someone you love to wander along with you. you've been a wonderful audience.” The audience is thoroughly enthralled. has just finished impersonating Elvis. The stage lights dim as Andy sings his closer. In the wings we see Marilyn Comstack. everybody. VALLEY FORGE MUSIC THEATRE . “Friendly World. Meanwhile. ANDY (in Latka voice) Dank you veddy much.. with Andy's naive sentimentality. Zmuda spots her. ANDY (own voice) Ladies and gentlemen. He strips off his Elvis attire and flings it into the exhilarated crowd.” The song is quite touching. is Marilyn Comstack .” We see Zmuda watching from the wings. DISSOLVE TO PLANE in flight.

ZMUDA What the hell is that? INT.” FADE OUT FADE IN INT. He is holding a stack of 8 x 10 glossies of himself.LATER Philadelphia's answer to Sardi's. That makes her the perfect love. but you're traveling all around the country with this woman and you don't know a damn thing about her. Kaufman and Zmuda are eating. Bob? This is the first woman I ever loved! The first. . ZMUDA Andy. I don't want to say anything. if she wanted to eat. ANDY No. look. She had a headache -.TONY CLIFTON being thrown out. Glossies of celebrities adorn the walls.“The world is such a wonderful place to wander through when you have someone you love to wander along with you. TONY Getcha hands off me. you don't understand. she would have come along. People start turning around. Zmuda is about to speak but is sidetracked by a commotion coming from the front of the restaurant. ZMUDA Andy. ANDY Maybe I should order something “to go” for Marilyn. FRONT OF RESTAURANT . ANDY Don't you understand. THEATRICAL RESTAURANT . She still might be hungry.she just wanted to get back to the hotel and lie down.

TONY Yeah. look who ya got here. He's from TV. I know dat guy.. WAITRESS I can assure you.. WAITRESS I'm not touching you. . I deserve ta have my picture up here with them other guys . We told you before. TONY (continuing) Wait a minute. WAITRESS Just move along. Whatta you doin'. Hey . he happens ta be a friend of mine.. Those guys died years ago. ZMUDA Oh man... we don't want you coming in here putting your pictures up all over the place. last night I put my picture up here and you took it off ... he's in da business wid me . TONY (pointing to wall) Look here. sir -. too.. (spotting Andy) Hey.no one is selling your pictures. I put it up da night before .. I don't want to call the police. get a load of this character. ZMUDA Too late. ANDY Just make believe we don't see him. TONY I'm in the business here. getcha hands off me . you took that off. He's coming over... I'll move along on you. You got a picture a da Harmonicats up there..Getcha hands off me. Your pictures are going right in the garbage. sellin' my pictures? I want some a da profits.

no.” TONY Yeah. I've seen you on da TV. Hey. “dank you veddy much. “dank you veddy much.. I've seen you plenty a times.Tony walks up to them.. Just like an illegal alien. . Steve Martin. miss.that's right. you're . hey. You do that “wild and crazy guy. ANDY No.” Waitress walks over to Kaufman.” TONY (exploding) Oh yeah -. ANDY It's all right. honey. honey. ANDY No. Kaufman. this is the guy here .. well. Steve Martin. I'm Andy Kaufman. TONY That's right. This is da guy here. I go. this is the guy here. no.” ANDY No.” Hey. you're welcome... Kaufman . folks. folks. the illegal alien. WAITRESS I'm sorry. now I remember -dank you veddy much. that's what I say on TV -“dank you veddy much. back in the kitchen where you belong. he does that “wild and crazy guy. TONY Hey. I'm just askin' him for his autograph. TONY You heard him. Yeah.. dank you veddy much. is this man bothering you? TONY Hey.

Zmuda almost chokes on his food.I'll sign one for you.. TONY I sign mine “lots of luck”... TONY (man to man) If they didn't have you know whats.. . (smirk. best wishes. I dance . I happen ta be starrin' in my own little show in town and I'd like ta invite you guys ta come on down. (writing) To Andy.. Here we go. ANDY (writing) To Tony. Andy Kaufman. Exactly what do you do in the business? TONY I do it all. I got some paper on me somewhere . thank you. ANDY (about to sign) What's your name? TONY Tony .you signed one for me -. I tell stories. I sing songs .. TONY Thank you. or should I saw. here it is. “dank you veddy much!” I see you sign your autographs “best wishes” here. thank you very much .Waitress leaves in a huff. Listen. Tony Clifton... lots of luck. ANDY Why. there'd be bounties on 'em.. smirk) Lemme get your autograph here. ANDY Yeah.. TONY I'll tell ya what -. Tony Clifton. That's the least I could do.

. I'm on break right now .ANDY Well. that was . The Emcee walks up to the mike. And don't take any wooden nickels. . I'll see ya later. ZMUDA Unbelievable. (smirk) He leaves. TONY (leaving) Okay. ANDY Well. it's a pleasure meeting you and we'll try to catch your act.. applauding. If y'know what I mean. EXT. as a matter of fact. INT. bye. PORTERHOUSE LOUNGE . Mr. We hear applause. ANDY (holding photo) Didn't George say I get to choose my own opening act at the Comedy Store? Zmuda and Kaufman smile knowingly..STAGE A singing act has just finished.SIGN A tacky lounge that not too long ago might have been called the Porterhouse Restaurant. I'll be there in about an hour doin' my last show of the evenin'. TONY I'll be performin' over at da Porterhouse Lounge. It's on Market and Fifth. (looking at list) Maureen Bakula. EMCEE All right.. Clifton. PORTERHOUSE LOUNGE . I better get back. thank you. Let's hear it for Maureen.

Applause. EMCEE All right, now we're going to call number twenty-seven ... number twenty-seven is a magician, Harold Wagner. Applause. Magician walks on stage and starts performing. Pan lounge and as we get to the front door, in walk Zmuda and Kaufman. A Hostess greets them. HOSTESS Yes, two? ANDY Yes, has Tony Clifton been on yet? HOSTESS Who? ANDY Tony Clifton. He's singing here tonight. HOSTESS Singing here ... so are they. She points to a gathering of about twenty-five performers, all holding number cards and sheet music. HOSTESS Along with musicians, comics ... I think we even have a dog act. A dog barks. ZMUDA (to Kaufman) Headlining, huh?! HOSTESS This way, please. Zmuda and Kaufman are seated at a booth. We watch the magician doing the Chinese linking rings. When he is finished the audience politely applauds and the Emcee mounts the stage. EMCEE Let's hear it for him. The magic of Harold Wagner. The magician bows. More applause.

EMCEE All right, next is number twenty-eight, Budd Lewis. (looks into audience) Budd Lewis. What? He left already? Well, he missed his big chance. All right, moving right along ... number twenty-nine, Tony Clifton. ZMUDA Here we go. ANDY Oh, man. EMCEE Tony Clifton ... Tony Clifton. TONY I'm comin', I'm comin' ... keep your pants on. Tony makes his way to the stage. EMCEE Are you a singer or a comedian? TONY I happen ta be a singer of songs. EMCEE All right, where's your music. TONY I don't have any music. EMCEE Well, do you need our piano player. TONY No ... I don't need no piano player. EMCEE Oh, you brought your own accompaniment. TONY Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got accompaniment! I got accompaniment. Here, here's a dime, just put it in the jukebox dere, and play B-46.

The Emcee, very confused, does what Tony asks. Zmuda and Kaufman are dumbfounded. The record starts to play. It's Frank Sinatra singing, “Come Blow Your Horn”. Tony sings along. ZMUDA (through teeth) Oh, my God, Kaufman ... the man's singing to Sinatra! ANDY (captivated) Get a load of this guy. Tony finishes the song. Mild applause. TONY (bowing) Thank you, thank you very much. For my next number, I'd like ta ... EMCEE Excuse me, Mr. Clifton, it's only one song. One song per singer ... five minutes per comedian. TONY Well, in that case, I'm a comedian, so give me five more minutes. For my next song ... EMCEE I'm sorry, you came up here as a singer. Your time's up ... so, if you would just get off the stage. TONY I came here with da understandin' that I was gonna get ta do a few numbers here. I got da old wild and crazy guy sittin' there, he flew in all da way ... EMCEE Sir, there are other performers who want to go up. TONY Other performers! Who wants ta see these risin' stars here, when ya got a chance ta see a star that's already risen.

that sort a thing never happens.KAUFMAN is speaking to Tony. Getcha hands off me! I'll call a cop! Zmuda and Kaufman are hysterical. and I need an opening act. I'm sorry for da little turmoil dere. EXT. TONY If ya wanna get rid a me. People are booing. October 24th. . it looks bad -. I'd like you to be my special guest. The place is in chaos.. Kaufman. Ya want me to be your special guest. Tony is literally thrown outside by the seat of his pants. you're gonna have ta drag me off bodily! The Emcee does just that.A.We start hearing boos. I got a Gong Show down da road here. listen .it looks bad.. (pulls out datebook) October 24th . but it's a rinky-dink operation.A FEW SECONDS LATER . TONY (yelling) Getcha hands off me.. When I play da big rooms in Vegas. the dog is barking and running loose. TONY Mr. Kaufman and Zmuda step outside. would you consider playing someplace else besides Philadelphia? TONY Whatta ya talkin' about? ANDY I'm headlining in L. huh? (flipping pages) I don't know. TONY (reaching in coat) Lemme check my book here. ANDY (interrupting) Tony.. PORTERHOUSE LOUNGE . on October 24th.

Because then you can get the full flavor. Zmuda shakes his head in disbelief. hotel arrangements? ANDY No.. musical arrangements? I was gonna sing with da record here. TONY You wanna use a real band. I'll do it for you... TONY Whatta ya mean. that's great.Maybe I could change somethin' around here . no.. Tony. do you have any arrangements? TONY What kind a arrangements . savor da voice of Tony Clifton. October 24th. TONY (rambling) You can savor da flavor in da mayvor in da payvor!! ANDY Yeah. ANDY No. that's exactly what I want . Now. ANDY So. eight o'clock. I'd rather we use a real band..LATER THAT EVENING .. your full voice. They shake hands. that's great. Tony. ANDY Well.. yeah. INT. ANDY Yes. CAR .. musical arrangements.. it's all set . that's much better than usin' da records.. the Comedy Store. You will be my opening act. Oh yeah.

. curtains open and out walks Kaufman on stage. But the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before. and Zmuda nonchalantly looks in. my own personal discovery. ANDY (singing) “Don't be a Mister Milk Toast or you'll be put out .NIGHT .V.AUDIENCE P.” A light turns red and they come to a stop. Soon another car pulls up beside them. .. But it's too late.it belongs to Marilyn Comstack.. “Tonight -. The driver is none other than the same stagehand Marilyn took such a liking to. while Kaufman is imitating Tony singing.O. a man that I believe will be the next Eighth Wonder of the World.Andy Kaufman -. FADE OUT FADE IN EXT. Tony Clifton”. Zmuda protectively tries to block the view from Andy. everybody. Tony Clifton! Music up.Kaufman and Zmuda are riding through the deserted streets of Philly. She proceeds to lick the stagehand's ear. He looks again.” (speaking to audience) Come on. INT. Applause.THE STAGE House lights go down. Kaufman leaves. Into to “Street Where You Live”. COMEDY STORE .several stories high – knowing I'm on the street where you live.THE MARQUEE that reads. Zmuda is at the wheel laughing. TONY (singing) “I have often walked down this street before. Kaufman has seen everything. The thought alone makes Zmuda anxiously await the changing of the light. and Andy's “perfect” love.. clap your hands. it is with great pride that I introduce to you.. (singing) “All at once am I -. Applause. leaving behind a cloud of carbon dioxide .. Tony steps out on stage. COMEDY STORE .. ANDY (changed) Ladies and gentlemen. Zmuda stomps on the gas and runs the light.With Special Guest. This time he sees a woman's hand slithering up the stagehand's neck -. Mr.

they don't bother me.I said people stop and stare .. lights cig) I want ta thank you all for comin' to see me.the -.. I don't have ta do this. How's everybody doin' . The overpowering feeling that any second you may suddenly appear. For there's nowhere else on earth that I would rather be.. surely Kaufman isn't serious about this guy.. thank you very much. BACKSTAGE ANDY (to Zmuda) Look at them. feelin' good? (loud) Come on.the towering feeling just to know -wo -.And oh -. I'll walk right outta here.I said -. You can have a strip show for all I care. Let the time go by -.. BACK TO TONY .wo -. wake up! Let's have a little reaction here.I won't care if I -..” (drops to knees) “I said -.somehow you are near.can be here on the street -.where -you -.I said a here on the street -. people . Say yeah! AUDIENCE (half-heartedly) Yeah.live !!!!!!!!!!!!” Audience applauds and laughs . TONY (serious) Let's get one thing straight here. smirk..street -. (holding side) I think I hurt myself on that one. TONY (bowing) Thank you.I said a here on the street where you livvvvvvvve! On -. (smirk. they don't know what to make of him..

how's Trigger? Y'know. I'll see ya after da show.. TONY (laughing) Back at the old ranch... TONY Okay..J..R... TONY Joe Lauer as in . chihuahua . a power . I'd like to do a little audience participation. TONY Like in Roy Rogers ... Chihuahua -.TONY All right. (aside) Listen...J. how are ya .. how's your power or howowya . so. answer me .. as in ... That's right. Mary Jane Rodgers. Mary Jane. like Lauer. see if ya can come up wid somethin' witty...R. Dale Evans . (to audience) . please? MAN 1 Joe Lauer. a woman after my own heart. y'know. I got a little .. A few volunteers walk on stage. (smirk. Roy Rogers. come on. how's Trigger? (whispering to her) Say back at da old ranch. Okay..a little miniature dog. honey.... Back at the old ranch.. I'd like ta call up a few volunteers. now who do we have here? What's your name. your horse .. chihuahua at home . Come on. TONY What's your name? M. M.. Moving on to the next person.. smirk) .

.. just because you have the same name as Mel Brooks. Mel . one-two-three-four. if I may.” Mel claps his hands too soon. doesn't mean you're a funny man. but seriously folks.. I want all you people on stage ta clap your hands in rhythm to the music. funny movies. smirk) Y'know. Mel Brooks made a lot a funny movies here. or I'll throw ya right off the stage. sherer . I want ya ta understand one thing . Mel. one-two-three-four.Okay. TONY Mel Sherer as in .. (singing) “If you're happy and you know it. he's a maker of wonderful.. as in Mel Brooks. seriously) Listen. TONY “If you're happy and you know it . (aside to Mel.. (smirk. clap your hands!” Volunteers clap hands twice. TONY Mel -. movin' right along .. what is this here? What's your name again? MEL Mel. (to next volunteer) And what's your name? MEL SHERER Mel Sherer.. can't you clap in rhythm..what's a matter... (yelling) Understand? Compranday? Com-pran-day-vu? (calming down) Okay now. pal.. let's see . TONY Okay.. All right. MEL . Don't come up here and try and crap up my act.

. All right. (singing) “If you're happy and you know it. TONY Why don't ya learn how to lift things? . TONY Workmen's compensation. TONY Okay.” They clap. TONY Oh.” Mel mistakenly claps. what do you do for a livin' anyway? MEL I'm not working right now.. clap your hands. what the hell does that mean? MEL I hurt myself on the job..” They clap. stupid or somethin'? Tell me.. clap your hands.. TONY What were ya doin'? MEL I was working construction and I lifted something and hurt my back. I'm out on workmen's compensation.we'll throw ya right off the stage .. what are you .I was thrown off. TONY “If you're happy and . here we go again.. Mr. Mel. you were thrown off! We'll give ya one more chance and then if ya mess up -. TONY “If you're happy and you know it.. that does it .

you're on workmen's compensation? How do you support yourself now that you've hurt your back? MEL Well. You fat. What? No! TONY (looks at Mel's stomach) Hey. Hey. whatta ya growin' dere. whatta ya mean . balding sponge. TONY It's welfare! I work my tail off up here so people like you can sit in da audience and enjoy da show and now I have ta pay on da welfare. that's not the . Well.. Suck your stomach in. TONY So that means ya sponge off a people like me? MEL No. He's goin' bald. it's . please.. . MEL No.. You are a no-good. I've never seen a sponge more balding than you. explain it to me. The Audience is booing Tony.. show the people. fat. MEL Well. that's how I support myself -workmen's compensation. whatta ya growin' up there? (refers to Mel's loss of hair) Bend down. TONY.. folks. Kaufman and Zmuda are hysterical. (laughing) Look at that. dirty. pal. a bowlin' ball? Suck your stomach in. (serious) You fat pig.So. that's not how workmen's compensation is. balding sponge of society..

Tony drops to one knee. this isn't funny. mockingly begging Mel's return.. put it there. Mr.. We'll give him another chance. TONY Well this is humor. Mel. People are throwing their rolled up programs at Tony. don't boo him just 'cause he's a fat sponge. BACKSTAGE . Mel. Mr. don't you see the drama that's unfolding? GEORGE Drama? This is shit! TONY strutting around shoving the other people off the stage. ANDY George.GEORGE SHAPIRO GEORGE Andy. TONY Oh.” A Woman yells out from the audience. Do ya have a sense of humor? MEL Yes. Tony pours entire glass over Mel's head. It was all in fun . pal. Hey. . pal. Come back. I'm only foolin'. giving him the old fake handshake.. Tony picks up a glass of water and takes a sip. Mel reaches for Tony's hand. but Tony pulls it away. Mel . Where's your sense of humor? Everybody say “awwwww.TONY Listen. don't leave me now. It was all in fun. Mr. I do. Tony holds out his hand to shake Mel's. The place has gone wild.. Fat Sponge. I'm only kiddin'. TONY (laughing) Listen. Mel runs off stage.

I was only kiddin' around . stay in the kitchen where ya belong... Until then . WOMAN Entertain me! How could anyone find anything entertaining about this? TONY Then why don't ya go home to the kitchen where ya belong? Go back home and wash your dishes and your pots and pans . TONY Lady. The day you could come here and knock me down. My thing is ta entertain ya....... for my next song . scrub your floor and raise your babies. Your thing is ta sit back and enjoy the show. it was a joke! . guys. lady. The Audience has gone wild.. that's the day you'll get my respect.. that's all it is. is a lot of lip service.. you want my respect? You're gonna have ta earn it. The Woman furiously gets out of her seat and starts walking onto the stage. Hey listen. what are you doin'? Would ya please get off the stage? WOMAN No! You said if I could come up here and . WOMAN You chauvinist pig! TONY What are you? Women's lib? Hey listen.WOMAN I think you're disgusting! TONY Why don't ya just sit back and relax. Okay. You do your thing and I'll do my thing. I should call it women's lip .. TONY Lady.

aside to Woman) Please . Get off the stage.. lady.GEORGE SHAPIRO GEORGE I'm stopping this! Zmuda and Kaufman are laughing. WOMAN Oh! I'm warning you. Give me a little bit of dignity here... please. knocking Tony down. He shoves her.. The audience jumps to its feet and cheers. TONY (begging. She bows and leaves. lemme get up. The Woman kicks him in the rump and he falls flat. TONY Getcha hands off me. “I showed her!” BACKSTAGE .WOMAN I want an apology! TONY You're not gettin' any apology. He starts to crawl away only to be kicked once more. TONY TONY For my next number . He goes to shove her again but this time she grabs his arm and gives him a judo flip. . Tony is crawling around the floor. George signals to close the curtain. don't try that again. Tony gets up -rubs hands together as if to say. TONY Get off the stage. Curtains close. TONY What's goin' on here? What about my big close? A security guard runs out and tries to get Tony off.

” Who was it that said.” GEORGE Terrible! Just terrible! ZMUDA Here's another. Tony starts to sing.Getcha hands off me. The Times: “Last night the most obnoxious act in show biz history opened for Andy Kaufman. People wanna see my next number. (to George) That's the fifth call this morning. only to be drowned out by the sound of sirens. Thank you and good night.KAUFMAN is sitting down at a table with a large collection of newspapers on it. “It doesn't matter what they print. just as long as they spell the name correctly?” .” ANDY (lost in thought) “The most obnoxious act in show biz history. TONY You people shut up! You get me sick! And someday when I'm playin' Vegas. if I made just one person happy. We see police running into the theatre as the reporters are running out. Shapiro is furiously pacing back and forth. He is speaking on the phone. Tony Clifton is granting no interviews.. Bye. it's all been worth it. INT... TONY I just wanna say one thing .. Zmuda runs into the room with a stack of papers. ZMUDA Here's some more. HOTEL SUITE . I'll let you know as soon as he does. The Herald: “Audience storms stage in Hollywood. I'm gonna remember each and every one a your faces and you're not gettin' in! He leaves . ANDY I'm sorry. he returns.NEXT MORNING .

TONY pouring glass of water over an old lady's head.TONY pouring glass of water over a man's head. AERIE CROWN THEATRE ..” INT. Audience going wild. DISSOLVE TO AERIE CROWN THEATRE . They're going to love to hate him.Special Guest Tony Clifton.MARQUEE “Tonight Andy Kaufman -. that is nothing to be proud of . MONTAGE OF TONY'S RISE TO FAME HUNTINGTON HARTFORD THEATRE . DISSOLVE TO PARK WEST THEATRE . HUNTINGTON HARTFORD THEATRE . GEORGE Andy. ANDY That's right.MARQUEE “Andy Kaufman with Guest Star Tony Clifton.TONY pouring two glasses of water of the heads of twins.ZMUDA P. CUT TO BOX OFFICE “SOLD OUT” SIGN CUT TO . Barnum. and they're going to hate him more and more. I got myself the next hoola-hoop. PARK WEST THEATRE .T. The audience is in an uproar..” INT.” INT. The audience boos. And more important.MARQUEE “Andy Kaufman presents Tony Clifton. they're going to pay to hate him. people hated him.

. MIKE WALLACE Hello. Andy “dank you veddy much” Kaufman .” She wears a “Clifton Moustache.. TONY CLIFTON DOLL Getcha hands off me. Getcha hands off me. TUXEDO SHOP .” CUT TO CLOSEUP . .PEACH TUXEDOS being grabbed one after the other off the racks. Tony Clifton medallions.. has turned into a multi-million dollar-a-year industry.. Mike Wallace pulls the string on the doll. From small towns to major cities . DISSOLVE TO COVER OF “COSMOPOLITAN” MAGAZINE A beautiful girl dressed in a “Clifton Tux. record albums. now turned promoter/ producer. this is CBS news correspondent Mike Wallace. What started out as a hoax by ex-performer. DISSOLVE TO INT. Clifton Mania is sweeping the nation.ANOTHER BOX OFFICE “SOLD OUT” SIGN CUT TO YET ANOTHER BOX OFFICE “SOLD OUT” SIGN CUT TO COVER OF “TIME” MAGAZINE Tony Clifton and Andy Kaufman shaking hands. there is even a Tony Clifton doll that sings off key and repeats such memorable phrases as ..MIKE WALLACE standing outside a theatre where Tony will be performing... t-shirts ..

still has the sociologists guessing. .....MIKE WALLACE . Tony Clifton is a box office sensation. You never know what Tony's going to do next . I come to love him. one thing is for certain. SPECTATORS standing in line to buy tickets. MALE COLLEGE STUDENT I like to bring unsuspecting friends and watch their reactions.. middle-aged man. GAY MALE I think Clifton has his finger up America's . FEMALE CLIFTON GROUPIE I think Tony's greater than Elvis Costello.. FEMALE CLIFTON GROUPIE Life's crap .MIKE WALLACE'S FACE MIKE WALLACE Well. CLOSEUP . Exactly what the mass appeal is of this heavy-set. We asked some of them exactly what they get out of coming to one of Tony's concerts.. As a matter of fact. the fans turn out in droves.. TRUCK DRIVER Elvis who? (dismissing it) Clifton's crap . I'd better hurry. (he's bleeped) LITTLE OLD LADY (wearing hearing aid) I enjoy the way he sings. whatever the reason. I don't even think he does. who appears on stage dressed in a peach tuxedo and abuses his audience.. I come to throw things at him. But one thing is clear ...

. TONY Hey! Who's there? CUT TO ANOTHER ANGLE .” (speaks) Anna. I didn't hear you. Just a few hours before. Tony finished performing to 55. DISSOLVE TO INT.. TONY Oh. CBS News.. I miss you so much. it's you. Good night. MIKE WALLACE This is Mike Wallace .NIGHT The stadium is empty and dark. Tony. did ya? ANDY No.the show's about to start. he approaches a piano and starts to plink out a melody. his singing isn't all that bad.. Playing this stupid song..THE STADIUM ANDY No one. (embarrassed) I was just practicin' the old piano here. just me. Tony hears a sound. Feeling melancholy. Camera opens up to reveal Wallace in peach colored tuxedo. A man who still goes walking in the rain expecting love again. Kaufman. DODGER STADIUM . alone. Just other people's dreams. Tony . You didn't hear me.. A man who knows love is seldom what it seems. In me you see a man alone drinking up Sundays and spending them alone. With no one around. Now he's on stage..000 screaming fans. Mr. TONY (singing) “In me you see a man alone behind the wall he's learned to call his home.

(changing subject) Hey, shouldn't you be in bed? You know tomorrow's a big day. Not every day a performer gets to entertain at the White House. TONY Oh yeah. I suppose that means somethin'. ANDY Tony, is there something on your mind? If there is, you can tell me. TONY Well, it's nothin' important, Mr. Kaufman. It's just that ... there's this chick I know ... and I've been so busy lately ... that I haven't had a chance ta ... ANDY See her! TONY Yeah. ANDY No problem, Tony ... I'll take care of it. TONY (childish excitement) Ya will? ANDY Sure. Just leave it all to me. What's her name? TONY Anna Fingerhut. She lives in Philly. She works at da Paradise Massage Parlor. ANDY (trying not to laugh) A massage parlor? She could come visit when you're taping your special next week. TONY Ya mean it? But what if she has ta work?

ANDY Just leave it all to me, Tony. I'll call her up and make her an offer ... I mean explain the situation. TONY Ya will? ... Why thank you, Mr. Kaufman. I don't know what I'd do without ya. Here's her phone number. Tony hands card to Andy. ANDY Now get some sleep. TONY Yes, sir. He starts to leave. ANDY Oh, Tony, just a minute. (hands him papers) Here's a few ideas that should go over real well at the White House. TONY Anything you say, Mr. Kaufman. Thanks for everything. Good night. He leaves. ANDY Good night, Tony. Kaufman walks to the piano and starts to play -- he imitates Tony singing. ANDY “In me you see a man alone behind the wall he learns to call his home. A man who still goes walking in the rain expecting love again.” He runs his fingers across the whole keyboard. ANDY Sentimental slob. EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE - ESTABLISHING

INT. WHITE HOUSE - GUESTS are being seated ... lights go down. Out walks the President of the United States. Much applause. PRESIDENT Good evening, Senators, Congressmen, Mr. Vice President, and especially a warm welcome to our guests for the evening, the Delegation from the People's Republic of Red China. Applause. We see the Chinese Delegation seated in front, bowing to the introduction. PRESIDENT Tonight's entertainment, I must confess, I've never had the pleasure of viewing before, but I'm told that he's the latest rage. I do know he's received more press than yours truly. Polite presidential laughter. Interpreters fill in Red Chinese, who laugh. PRESIDENT So, it's a pleasure to welcome my guest this evening at the White House, Mr. Tony Clifton. Applause. Out walks Tony in his familiar outfit. He is wearing a set of Jerry Lewis “Chinese teeth.” TONY Thank you, Mr. President, Senators, Congressmen, and you short people down front. Audience at first politely laughs. Interpreters fill in the Chinese Delegation, who are smiling until they hear what's said. TONY That reminds me, what time does da Chinaman go ta the dentist? Two-thirty ... get it ... “tooth hurty.” (smirk, smirk) Interpreters repeat it to Chinese Delegation that is becoming more and more agitated. Kaufman is laughing in the wings. PRESIDENT (to aide) Is this someone's idea of a joke?

. went ta five different doctors.. maybe they should take a “slow boat to China” where they belong.I want him off. Grab 'em. A couple of people come up to him. CUT TO INT. walks past him without stopping. Anna Fingerhut. GUARD Just a minute.. Fingerhut. miss. What's your name? ANNA Anna Fingerhut...” (smirk. Finally.. TONY I knew a guy. “slow boat to China. he found out he was Chinese! Chinese Delegation is beginning to stand. If they can't take a joke. TONY Don't let those chinks leave.GUARD sitting at desk. GUARD (checking list) Fingerhut . thought he had yellow jaundice. Get it . Getcha hands off me. Chinese Delegation is storming out. The President is vomiting.. . We should make 'em hostages until they lower the oil! Getcha hands off me. they don't even have green cards . Aide comes on stage and whispers in Tony's ear.. being the free spirit that she is. at least frisk 'em ta see if they're walkin' out with the china. White House security men are tugging at Tony. smirk) The aide is trying to pull Tony off stage. The place is in shambles. NEW YORK NBC STUDIO . TONY Whatta ya talkin' about? I'm entertaining the little people here.INFORMATION DESK . he checks their names against a list and lets them pass. Here it is .

Go check to see if Igor arrived yet. KAUFMAN'S NBC OFFICE A very posh one. ZMUDA Don't worry. ANDY Where's Tony now? ZMUDA In his room meditating.. Hey. That's taping in studio fourteen . I want those cameras to keep rolling. ANNA Thank you. We follow Anna walking down the corridor. straight out this door and to the right. He spots Anna among the technicians who are busily at work. ANDY (mysteriously) The seal's a surprise! He slides the painting to the side. GUARD You're welcome. what's with the seal? Andy walks over to the painting of himself on the wall and looks at it. ANDY And no matter what happens. exposing a little window from which he can look down into the studio. ANDY Good. She passes various technicians and prop people.Anna Fingerhut. ZMUDA I just checked five minutes ago. just like you told him to. Her response is a pleasant smile as she keeps walking. We won't miss a thing. ANDY . One technician checks her out and whistles. Tony Clifton Show. INT.. Kaufman is briefing Zmuda on today's show. I'll be in the control room.

can you tell me where Andy Kaufman's office is? ZMUDA His royal majesty is straight up those stairs. (smile) Please. ZMUDA Yeah. He is stopped by Anna. he is. ANNA What do you mean? ZMUDA Nothing. ANNA Excuse me. ANNA (flattered) Tony is a good man. ZMUDA Good.. I have to run now.(stern) Go check again. hello. then I'll be seeing you later. (changes subject) Hey. Bye.. Anna that. . I am. I'm a friend of Tony's. just show biz. ZMUDA Well hello. you're not Anna. Zmuda gets up and walks out of room and down stairs. (in direction of Kaufman's office) Though you wouldn't know it if it were left up to some people. is he gonna be happy to see you! That's all he's been talking about lately . I'd like to very much. are you? ANNA Yes. Anna this. Boy. are you going to stick around and watch the taping? ANNA Yes. (begins to walks off) Wait a second.

Anna. Very businesslike he goes back to his desk and takes out checkbook and pen. what is it? ANNA I'm Anna Fingerhut. Anna enters. ANDY (looking up) Oh yes. ANNA Hello. ANNA Yes.. ANDY Come in.KAUFMAN is chilling a bottle of wine. Hello. I like that. ANDY . I'm Andy Kaufman. I did. ANDY (changing approach) I see you're a woman who doesn't beat around the bush . but not getting it) I hope you had a pleasant flight. ANDY (walks to wine) Would you care for something to drink? ANNA (senses scam) No. INT.. ANDY (looking down) Yes. There is a knock on the door. Kaufman runs back behind his desk and makes believe he is studying something. (expecting big response. KAUFMAN'S OFFICE .ANNA Bye. Tony's friend. thank you.

. Seven hundred dollars. No extras.Let's see. ZMUDA Isn't Anna staying for the taping? ANDY . maybe we could work out some sort of arrangement. She starts walking to the door. you understand. She closes the door in his face. it wouldn't look good if it got out that Andy Kaufman had to pay for it . (tears out check) Do me a favor. had to pay for it. (hands her check) ANNA You can tell Tony I'll be at the hotel. Andy gets up to see her out and gives it one last try. and two hundred each additional night . Zmuda enters. pissed... I'd appreciate it if you went back to the hotel and waited for him there. ANDY Who knows. I believe you said three hundred the first night. Kaufman walks back to his desk. You understand.. ANDY (sensing put down) Suit yourself.. ANNA I don't think so. that comes to seven hundred . Can't tell -there might be some press hanging around and it wouldn't look good if it got out that Tony . (giving knowing look) ANNA You owe me nothing extra.. make than an even eight hundred dollars... ANDY I want my star to stay happy! ANNA We've already agreed on a price.

from the San Diego Zoo and Tony's special guest. she wanted to get back to the hotel. ZMUDA Tonight. TONY All right. Entertainment himself . STUDIO FOURTEEN . Thank you. The audience boos. Audience goes crazy. We're starting the show. ZMUDA And now. Igor Vorst. Drum roll.STAGE The show is about to start. let's not have a few wreck it for everyone else. Audience laughs.. Audience applauds. And now here he is. TONY We got a big show here tonight.No. You know.. ladies and gentlemen. Joan Embry. Andy Kaufman Productions is proud to present. Mr. a man that some critics are calling the Bob Dylan of the 80s . Tony Clifton! Fanfare.. Clifton. Curtains open and Tony enters.. It's wonderful ta look out and see all your smilin' faces. the moment you've all been waiting for . ANDY (excited) Good! Go get that idiot. TONY (bowing) Thank you very much. The Tony Clifton Show! Music in. .. Is Igor here? ZMUDA He just arrived. Tony's guests are Raquel Welch. all right. INT. turn a few extra tricks..

cline.. Audience applauds. kind . (singing) .That's every word in the world that rhymes with shine -I just went down da alphabet. vine .. zine -. TONY Oh. give me a word.... dine . gine.. gine.. let's see . TONY As a matter of fact...AUDIENCE MEMBER (yelling out) Do some of your rhymin'. you want me to do some of my famous rhymin'. Audience goes crazy.. yine. Sammy . vine. (fast now) sign. line.. fine . nine. let's see.. (gradual pick up in tempo) . AUDIENCE MEMBER Shine! TONY Shine . Shine .. sounds just like Hammy! Audience laughs.. pine. rine .. hind. AUDIENCE MEMBER Sammy! TONY Sammy. do ya wanna hear da alphabet? AUDIENCE (yelling) Yeah! TONY All right .... wine... tine... TONY Okay.

how are you doin'? Audience giggles. Audience applauds.M.“A. I hear that you are a completely fabricated human bein'.J.N.V ... RAQUEL Real good. You don't have to take this. TONY Nice to have you here.Y.” The Audience gives Tony a standing ovation. TONY I heard you had a nose job.B.Z. Tony... H. Audience laughs.C's .R. Her name is Joan Embry. Now I said my A. She leaves. The Audience becomes hysterical. tell me what you think of me. Let's hear it for Raquel.S. TONY That's right. and silicone breasts. TONY Thank you.O.X.P . TONY So tell me.E.D.F. and . Raquel.K. Q.C. tush job. I'd like ta bring out my first guest. RAQUEL (standing up) I don't have to take this. Raquel enters and sits down on panel. TONY My next guest is from the San Diego Zoo. thank you. Now..G . Miss Raquel Welch.T. W.B.L. Tell me.U..I. without further ado. Fanfare...

you just stay where you are. So tell me. he's sort of quiet today. can I speak ta ya alone for a minute? ANDY Sure. Joan walks out holding an adorably cute baby seal. We shall return. TONY Maybe if I squeezed his ear there. JOAN No. TONY Mr. ANDY . you shouldn't do that. but we'll be right back. TONY He's a very cute little guy. we're gonna cut to a commercial now... JOAN No .she brought with her a little friend. Tony. Applause. Can he talk? Let's hear him talk. I love animals. They move to a more private spot.. Audience giggles. Well listen. what is this here ya brought wid ya today? JOAN This is an Icelandic hard seal. he's a cute little guy. Taping light shuts off.. TONY I'm only foolin'.. Can I pick him up by da tail? Audience laughs. Tony gets up from desk and walks over to where Kaufman is standing off stage. TONY Welcome to our show. Music. Joan. Tony . Kaufman. As you can see.

Believe me. hands him a noticably fake baby seal and leaves. Like insultin' Raquel Welch like that. Andy looks around to make sure no one is listening.(serious) What is it? TONY It's just that I don't feel right about doin' some a these things ya got me doin'. TONY What about this seal thing here? ANDY Look. (calling to prop man) Hey. the people love it.. ANDY Tony... statistics show that what we're doing actually lowers the crime rate. TONY (humbled) It does? ANDY Of course. ANDY You see . The audience gets to work out their aggression coming to your shows. TONY That doesn't look real ta me. Mr. Rudy. Prop man walks over to Kaufman. We're just giving the public what they want. here it is. Tony.. ANDY That's because it's not turned on. TONY I don't know. she was acting . . that's what's making you a big star . give me that special prop I wanted. it was all set up. Kaufman. let me show you again.. ANDY Tony. I'm confused..

TONY (excited) She did! Where is she? ANDY Calm down. Here's the key. Tony leans over to Joan. Tony. Kaufman. TONY Ya won't forget ta switch 'em. Okay? TONY (almost childlike) You bet.Believe me.A FEW MINUTES LATER . trust me. I almost forgot to tell you ..TONY is seated once again. (purposely changing subject) Oh. Mr. Stage Manager begins counting down. (hands him key) I had everything arranged. . Now I want you to go to makeup and get touched up a little. Oh boy. Let's finish this show so we can all get out of here.. will ya? ANDY Tony. Kaufman is standing there holding the fake seal. out there you won't know it from the real thing. Anna arrived. Anna's here! I better hurry! Tony runs off. she's at a hotel. Joan is still holding the baby seal. (tosses seal) RUDY What do you want me to do with it? ANDY (coldly) Ditch it! PANEL . take this. TONY (to nearby prop man) Rudy! Here.

yes. dressed in his native garb.. . IGOR No like to kill.TONY (winking) Looks just like da real thing. good. Let's have a big hand for Mr. welcome back. Applause. (smirk. A mountain of a man. but laughs. Applause. TONY (reading from paper) Okay. Laughter. TONY I see. Giggles. Igor? It's good ta have ya on the show here.except his brain. Everything about Igor is big -. This is how make living. not sure what he means. TONY So tell me. so you justify your means of existence by clubbin' the baby seals over da old head dere. why is it you like ta kill baby seals? Audience is shocked. TONY How ya doin'. Vorst. STAGE MANAGER Five-four-three-two-one -We're on the air. Igor Vorst walks out. smirk) Joan smiles.. Igor Vor . Laughter.. My next guest is from the regions of Newfoundland.. IGOR (broken English) Good .

Louder laughter. Audience breaks up. Audience is in hysteria.. maybe ya could give us a little demonstration. clutching the baby seal. Wash face before come out. TONY And if ya like. IGOR I club seal now? Louder laughter. It's just an old sayin' -“bread and butter. TONY All right. don't get excited dere. all right. Joan moves over. Igor. TONY (back to Igor) Well. eat beechuck whale blubber. smirk) Audience roars. it just so happens that we have a baby seal right here on the show.TONY That's how you make your bread and butter. By some strange coincidence. IGOR No eat bread butter . Laughter. all right. Laughter.” It's like sayin' “here's mud in your eye.” IGOR (rubbing eyes) No mud in eye. JOAN . (smirk.. TONY (to Audience) I think someone clubbed Igor a few times.

The seal breaks free from her hold and falls on the floor.. honey. missing the seal. Igor gets up. Tony struts back and forth as the boos. Tony walks over to Joan. TONY Okay. give him da seal.LATER . The baby seal. but also laughter. Igor swings again. Andy is leisurely sitting behind his desk. grabs the seal. JOAN Please. The security guards grab Igor. walks behind a curtain and pulls out a large bloodstained club. GEORGE (upset) . Joan quickly pulls back. Some of the Audience laughs. is sitting helplessly in the middle of the floor. The club comes smashing down as Zmuda.What???? TONY Sure. someone help! The Audience is going wild. go right ahead. The seal frantically flees in the nick of time. Tony reaches . but smashing Tony's desk. give him da seal. A woman in the audience screams..GEORGE SHAPIRO is pacing back and forth. The Audience jumps to its feet. get louder and louder. Igor swings again. JOAN No!! Don't!!! IGOR He no feel! He no feel! I hit him good! TONY (to band) How about a little seal killin' music. Igor follows in hot pursuit. JOAN (shocked) I will not! TONY I said. tired and out of breath. boys. Zmuda runs out of the control room with some security guards. INT. in the nick of time. ANDY KAUFMAN'S OFFICE . wildly swinging his club. Igor leaps toward the seal.

ANDY Tony got a little carried away.. ... you're fired.you don't like it? GEORGE No.This time you have gone too far .. GEORGE Andy.. GEORGE Too seriously? Well. ANDY George.. I see what's been going on around here lately . something has got to change! ANDY (had enough) Yes. but this . you're taking this whole thing too seriously.. Did you see that audience? They actually wanted that seal to be clubbed. Pouring water over someone's head is one thing. You should really start meditating.. Thank God Bob saved the seal from that maniac. you have to learn to relax... ANDY George. Zmuda enters the room.. that poor schmuck doesn't even know people are laughing at him. I don't. George . I have eyes. Andy. somebody had better start taking it seriously . something does. (getting up) All right. Somebody could have been hurt. GEORGE Don't give me that Tony crap. ANDY Oh -. and I don't like it. I'm warning you ... and somebody had better clue Tony in . this whole Clifton thing has gotten totally out of proportion..

George. (to George) So . Bob! ZMUDA (fondly) Talk to you later. ANDY (catches him) And is there anything on your mind? ..GEORGE What?! ANDY I said... George. (opens door) Bye. Pack your things and get out. Andy . GEORGE Eventually all the assholes come down.... ANDY (triumphant) I don't have to. you don't need anyone any more .. George walks to the door. 'Cause I ain't never comin' down. ANDY That's right . and I'm the man who discovered Clifton. why do I need him? GEORGE (almost relieved) You don't need me... ZMUDA Andy. From out in the hall we hear: GEORGE'S VOICE Yahooooo!! Zmuda laughs to himself. you've got it all. George leaves. just watch yourself on the way down. you can't fire George -he's the man who discovered you. you're fired.. You're right at the top .

“Suite 2241.. NEW YORK ESSEX HOUSE . but only one precious drop drips out. it's your room. thinks twice. if it's okay.” He reaches in his pocket and takes out a key. Where's that stuff . TONY What a time to run outta Purple Passion! He puts the bottle back in his coat. He walks down a long hall and stops in front of a double door marked. ANNA Tony! TONY (loss for words) Hi. CUT TO INT. ZMUDA No. The woman's drivin' you crazy. He is just about to put the key in the keyhole. Forget her. Anna answers. calm down. but she's still on yours. takes a deep breath and knocks on the door. He shifts his weight back and forth. Tony unscrews the top. ANNA Of course it's okay. puts the key back in his pocket and decides to knock first. . take it easy .Zmuda looks Andy straight in the eye.. ANNA Would you like to come in? TONY Yeah. He is carrying a small bouquet of daisies. He is just about to knock.. man! Quit beating yourself up over her. turns the bottle over. He reaches in his coat for the Purple Passion.TONY getting off elevator. thinks twice about that also.. TONY (to himself) Tony. We hear the familiar theme. We hear the sax discord down the scale and die.

.Have a wonderful weekend. INSERT NOTE “To Tony and Anna -. He takes his flowers and hides them behind his back. HOTEL ROOM piano. wetbar. ANNA Is that for me? TONY What? ANNA Those flowers you're holding behind your back. that. who are the flowers for? Tony walks over to flowers and reads note to himself. TONY (excited) They are? (sheepishly) They're for you then.. (hands her flowers) . INT. ANNA Daisies are my favorite flowers. He enters.. I almost forgot.Andy Kaufman” BACK TO TONY feeling very uncomfortable at Kaufman's insinuation and at the flowers themselves.. TONY Wow. (pulling out flowers) It's nothin'. very posh. TONY Oh. It's just some old . what a layout! (spots vase with bouquet of roses) Hey.TONY Oh yeah. everything . if you know what I mean -.

. one should never be sick of oneself.. ah . what would ya like ta do? ANNA We can do whatever you want... What makes you happy? TONY I don't even know any more . Isn't your TV show on this evening? TONY (unenthusiastic) Oh. ANNA Tony. ANNA Tony. you make me happy . TONY (flustered) Well . you should do what you want to do. let's see . Thank you. think.. I could hardly believe it . TONY It's just that Kaufman's got me doin things -........ ta tell ya the truth. what's the matter? TONY Well . Tony Clifton... that.. Tony. Tony.. TONY Well. Anna . I'm gettin' a little sick a . . She kisses Tony gently on the cheek. ANNA Besides me. A man should do what makes him happy.ANNA They're beautiful... ANNA Tony.. I'm sorta at a loss for words ....things that I would never even do. ANNA Well. you're here .

Have a few laughs. Tony goes into the bedroom. the ferris wheel. Go see your friends. amusement parks make me happy... Go to an amusement park. What else? TONY Let's see . That's what I should do. When I was a kid... amusement parks .. before this big star business.. TONY Yeah. cotton candy . ANNA There you are... fun.. You have money now. Have some fun. a few chuckles. darlin'. Have some fun. let's see. there you have it.. I'll see Bugsy.. TONY (excited) You will? Great! Let's see. the first thing I'm gonna do is get outta this outfit and put on somethin' a little less conspicuous.TONY Well . I'll be right back... ANNA Well. you can do what you want.. Bugsy and Aunty Deb make me happy. I'll even win ya a kewpie doll . Aunty Deb .. Excuse me. We used ta do a lot a laughin ' .. . I don't know .) It'll be just like old times . ANNA That's the spirit! TONY Will you come with me? ANNA Of course I will. TONY (o... I used ta go all the time.s.

ANNA I don't believe we ordered anything. etc. I want ya ta sit right down here ... this is quite out of the ordinary. an iridescent shirt. Kaufman again. Anna walks over and opens it...orange ascot.There is a knock on the door. Tony walks out in an outfit that is even more conspicuous than the tux -. Kaufman.. WAITER (shocked at Tony's attire) My word! TONY What's all this? WAITER Compliments of Mr. In walks a Waiter in tails. Tony takes Waiter's shoes off. miss. (sits Waiter at table) Have yourself a little champagne and caviar -. (gets idea) I'll tell ya what. wheeling a cart full of caviar and champagne. take your shoes off. what makes you happy? WAITER I beg your pardon. bright red pants. it is quite outta da ordinary. TONY Oh.make yourself right at home. WAITER (very proper) Good evening. Anna giggles. TONY That's right. isn't it? Lemme ask ya .. Here. my good man . sir? TONY . WAITER But sir.

. MONTAGE OF TONY AND ANNA HAVING “FUN” Water skiing. TONY No fun?! Well... then Tony and Anna begin to leave. Anna smiles. they're yours. I don't have fun. with its top down. pal. carrying with it the fresh euphoric scent of wide open spaces. give her these. There's a limo and driver downstairs . sir.. skeet shooting. ANNA Oh. Anna hands the Waiter the roses from Kaufman. are Tony and Anna. music up.What do you do ta have fun? WAITER Fun . THIS is what life's all about. Riding along the highway in a peach-colored '57 Chevy convertible. ANNA Do you have a girl friend? WAITER I have a wife..g.. FADE OUT FADE IN OPEN HIGHWAY . I almost forgot . .. ANNA Well. She runs back and gets Tony's bouquet. Here's the keys to the room. Tony wins Anna a kewpie doll.DAY B. enjoying the rides at a county fair . WAITER But where are you going? TONY Ta win da little lady a kewpie doll. you're gonna have fun tonight. late night dining and dancing.. well. riding horses. We can almost feel the warm country breeze. it's good for the whole weekend.

cries.DISSOLVE TO EXT. MOTEL .” A quaint little refuge off the beaten track. I had two of 'em at the same time. SALT AND PEPPER PLANT .ASSEMBLY LINE We see Aunty Deb. is tied to a pillary. Tony's car is parked out in front.. Embarrassed. he turns his head away. On the screen we see: SCENE FROM “THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME” The Hunchback.. Konway. he's heard this before) . Tony. One looked just like Donna Summer and the other looked just like Lola Falana.SIGN that reads. MOTEL ROOM . Tony turns. Pee Wee. Nobody until Esmeralda (a beautiful peasant gypsy) mounts the pillary. buries her head into Tony. The crowd goes silent. She brings a cup of water to his lips as he pathetically and lovingly looks up at her. Bugsy. Tony lovingly pulls her to him. Anna. PEE WEE (bragging) Lemme tell ya. tears streaming down his cheeks. Anna reaches over and wipes away a tear. “Whispering Pines Motel -. The poor Hunchback calls out for water.Pets Welcome. but nobody will give him any. continues to watch. played by Charles Laughton.NIGHT. He is being whipped unmercifully as the unfeeling townspeople throw garbage at him. FADE OUT FADE IN INT. INT. KONWAY (disgusted. fighting to hold back his own tears. last night I had myself a great sitchation . Anna turns to him. with tears in her eyes. and in Tony's old place. looks at her.TONY AND ANNA are sitting up in bed watching TV. TONY incapable of holding back his tears any longer. ANNA It's beautiful when people cry together.

like a ham sandwich. dun come back! . PEE WEE (starting to fight) No. AUNTY DEB Lordy almighty . PEE WEE Dat's right .... AUNTY DEB What the heck was . I don't know what you mean . The discussion is cut short by the sound of a salt shaker shattering to the floor. TONY (softly) Hi. AUNTY DEB Sounds more to me like a turkey sandwich.. BUGSY (overwhelmed) Hi. CUT TO TONY standing a few feet from him..... it's Tony .I suppose it was just like a ham sandwich. That's just how it was . 'splain yo' sef... PEE WEE (upset) What do you mean by that? AUNTY DEB (laughing) You know what I mean. Ton.. AUNTY DEB Bugsy. how did you know that. Bugsy. Bugsy looks as if he has just seen a ghost. what's gotten ....

same old place. get back to work! They laugh together again for the first time in a long while. KONWAY (mumbling) Yeah. I used ta do stuff like that here. remember? BUGSY Sure. BUGSY Yeah . just like you said the day you walked outta here.. AUNTY DEB That's right. looks down grudgingly. BUGSY Yeah. too! (imitating Foreman) Clifton. Tony. feel comfortable.. “The next time you see this face it's gonna be on TV. Tony! On TV you were doin' that Sammy-hammy business. TONY (looking around) Same old place. long time no see. TONY Oh yeah. I remember. whom he hasn't seen in a long time..TONY Long time no see .” And sho 'nuf it was! You 'member that day. a lot's happened to you. Boy.. Bugsy wipes his hands on his shirt and shakes Tony's hand. We've seen you on television. TONY (serious) . BUGSY Yeah. I remember. still working. And you used to get in trouble for it. Nothing ever changes around here. Tony tries to make his friends. don't ya Konway? Konway.

BUGSY Tony.. anything. TONY Oh no. it's all right ... it's not charity .. TONY No. TONY Thanks. TONY So tell me .. Coulda ya do me a favor? BUGSY Sure. you don't owe me nothin'. . how's everything goin'? Are you happy? BUGSY Well.. that reminds me. I needed that. Hey.. Very solemnly he reaches down and screws on a top. Bugsy. Ton? TONY Yeah. it's not like the good ol' days though. I'd appreciate it if you came and worked for me. I can't do it all by myself.. things are gettin' pretty busy for me lately . yeah . Bugs.. Ton.. TONY Ya think I could try the old .. BUGSY You too. nothin's like the good ol' days. Bugsy.It sure is nice seein' ya again. Ton... go ahead! Bugsy steps aside as Tony approaches salt shakers. listen . Hey. there's a few job openin's in my organization. I mean it. (making screwing gesture) BUGSY Sure .. BUGSY (not one to speak up) Yeah. Just name it.. As a matter of fact.

child! BUGSY When do we start? TONY Right now.I would consider it a privilege and an honor if you worked with me. you sold me that bottle for nine dollars.. TONY Don't give me any a that “change my life” business .. (smiling) I accept. I told ya it would change your life.. since you put it that way . I got a car waitin' outside. how about me? TONY What about you? PEE WEE Ya mean you're gonna leave me here? I'm the guy who sold ya da Purple Passion in the first place. Bugs. AUNTY DEB That's the Lord's truth. AUNTY DEB Hallelujah! Bugsy done got his freedom! TONY That goes for you too. BUGSY Well. Aunty Deb. Let's go.... I don't know anybody who makes mumbly pie as good as you... PEE WEE Hey. wait a second dere . Please. I accept . AUNTY DEB Me? What are you goin' to use me for? TONY Well. I found out later that . I need ya. befo' you come ta your senses.

. Konway looks straight into Tony's eyes for the first time ever.” By the time he's finished. Tony turns to leave. PEE WEE Thank you. Long shot of all of them as they leave the plant. ANDY KAUFMAN'S HOME .. TONY (softly) You come. PEE WEE Can I help it if my eyesight ain't what it used ta be? TONY Get outta here.. EXT. too. if I may. Words are not necessary.. walking down the long narrow aisle of the factory.. Tony puts his arm around him and they leave.. Bugsy.DAY -ESTABLISHING . you can come too. TONY (stopping) All right. working. They leave together. He appears somewhat saddened. Go join a circus before I report ya to the Irrigation Department.. boss . music playing “Nobody Knows The Trouble I've Seen. PEE WEE Wait a minute . thank ya.KONWAY alone now. He senses someone and looks up . but make it snappy. Pee Wee walks up and joins them.it was only ninety-five cents! You ripped me off. it's Tony.” CLOSEUP . B. Konway turns and takes one final look at the last twenty years of his life. When they reach the door that opens to the outside. For the first time we see a different side of him. I'd just like ta say one thing.g.. TONY Okay . Pee Wee gets down on one knee and sings a brief heartrending rendition of “Nobody Knows The Trouble I've Seen. Aunty Deb and Tony all have tears in their eyes.

Another knock. Sharing the bed with him are Mary and X-mas. ZMUDA Oh. Kaufman is in bed wearing silk pajamas and gold chains around his neck. had second thoughts. ANDY Who is it? ZMUDA It's me .BEDROOM round bed that puts Hefner's to shame. ANDY (yelling) Dammit! Just a second! He gets out of bed and walks to the door. Built-in wetbar. (grabs check. ZMUDA (holding up check) This just came in the mail. double your fun. ANDY What? Give me that check... two sisters whose motto is. come on. ZMUDA It looks like she endorsed it . I thought you might want to see it. a very erotic painting adorning the wall. “double your pleasure...INT.. then crossed it out. Andy opens the door all the way. ANDY What is it? ZMUDA The check you wrote to Anna. Kaufman opens door just a crack. She sent it back. stereo. stares at signature) Smart lady . etc. There is a knock on the door. . She's playing him for the big bucks. KAUFMAN'S OFFICE . Zmuda. Kaufman continues to make out. ANDY I'm busy..” Kaufman is doing just that.

ANDY Believe me. File it away. boy? Kaufman closes door and walks macho-like back to the bed... They start to leave through the front door. ANDY Not that way . ZMUDA'S VOICE I think you better see him . (whispering) What've you got goin' in there? ANDY (doing Elvis) Two of 'em .. They prepare to wrestle. ANDY Clifton! What the hell does he want? Tell him I'm meditating. (to girls) Girls. ANDY (abruptly. into intercom) I thought I told you . I don't want to be disturbed.. the back! . give me a few minutes and then send him in. I've been there. he's not wearing his tuxedo. ANDY (shocked) Not wearing the tux! All right. it just might come in handy. ANDY How about you two wrestling each other? The winner gets me. ZMUDA Okay. beat it. you understand me. The intercom rings... ZMUDA'S VOICE Clifton's here. I'll call you later...

The wetbar rolls into a wall and a juicer with a basket of fresh carrots appears... ANDY (friendly) Just a second. ANDY (big smile) Tony. He is not wearing the tux. As Andy begins to change his clothes: ANDY (to himself) Someday it's going to give me immense satisfaction telling that jerkoff exactly what he really is. The bed disappears and is replaced by a straw mat. The room mechanically changes. ANDY . Kaufman's heart skips a beat.. ANDY Yes. I don't wanna do my act any more. Tony? TONY I've decided .” He walks over and opens the door. (to the point) I've been doin' some talkin' ta Anna lately and . They leave. The erotic art on the wall turns over. Tony enters.. He walks over to the central control panel and pushes a button.. Would you care for some carrot juice? TONY No.He slaps one on the ass on the way out. ANDY I was just meditating . but this is a tux of a completely different color. There is a knock on the door. Kaufman.. The outfit is one thing. Kaufman has put on a pair of pants and a sweatshirt that reads: “I Love Grandma. Mr. Tony is standing there with a very determined look on his face. it's so good to see you. please. revealing a picture of a guru in the lotus position.

wadda..y'know. (catches himself) . I can just see it. wadda ... ANDY (puzzled) You must be referring to “The Hunchback of Notre Dame.. that's it! “The Hunchback of Notre Dame. somethin' ta drink.” (excited) Tony. your concerts draw thousands of bucks .. (the idea sinks in) “The Hunchback of Notre Dame.. it's wonderful. But the people were throwin' things at him.. I was yellin' out “wadda -.” but nobody would give me any wadda. ANDY (trying not to laugh) Tony! “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” is a beloved classic. TONY Well. I mean people.wadda. But Tony. You can't expect to do that ..” Wadda. TONY Ya do? ANDY Yes .” TONY Yeah.. a movie.. ANDY A movie! TONY Yeah.. The other night I was watchin' TV and I saw this old movie about a hunchback -. people will die lau.” y'know. .. It reminded me when I was a little kid. I was thinkin' maybe I could do . You can't stop now. wait a second. and he was callin' out for “wadda -.. that's the movie I wanna do. I think you've got something there... I wanna play the old hunchback.You don't want to do your act any more..

. ANDY Don't mention it ..... (into it) I'll even direct it myself.. TONY (stepping into hall) Well. He runs to his desk.... listen ... thanks for everything .. Sean . Tony... Andy shakes Tony's hand. ANDY Oh. it's from Andy Kaufman.. ANDY Like the idea! I love the idea! (leading Tony to the door) Just go home and don't worry about a thing. ANDY (into phone) Hello... TONY Yeah . ANDY I'm sure if you go home right now and think about it.. Thank you . Andy. it certainly will ... do I have a movie for you! . operator . dank you veddy much.. (opens door) By the way.. TONY I'm glad ya like the idea.. Bye. it'll be my dramatic debut. the king of fools . it'll come back. (laughs) How are ya ... picks up the phone and dials. the golf game's going good . how's the meditation going? TONY I can't seem ta remember my mantra. I'd like to place a person-to-person call to Mr... remember you told me the guys in the Tower are going comedy crazy? Well . California .you playing Quasimoto . Sean Daniel at Universal Studios in Hollywood.. sits down. then closes the door in his face. Hello.

. you're going to be fine. Tony enters theatre with his friends. Kleig lights. MOVIE THEATRE There is a spectacular Hollywood premier in progress. TONY (raising fist) Ah. we'll save you a seat.Kaufman yells to them. Mr. limos arriving with “big name” stars. PHOTOGRAPHER Excuse me. The crowd spots Clifton and begins to boo. thousands of fans.. red carpets. ANDY (in Latka's voice) Dank you veddy much. We'll be inside.. Bugs. The fans go crazy -. BUGSY Yeah. you go ahead. but I think I'm gonna stand in the back. KONWAY Tony. could we get a picture of you and Mr. . THEATRE LOBBY Much hoopla. Tony . Kaufman and the two sisters step out. I'm a little nervous. INT. A Photographer comes up to Tony.Kaufman turns his back to us in his swivel chair. Kaufman together? TONY Well . ANNA Tony. The fans love it. Next we see Tony and the gang pulling up in his car. I'm here with my friends. He waves and enters the theatre. shut up! The crowd goes wild and applauds. Clifton.” Kaufman's extravagant limo pulls up. They are all dressed in peach tuxedos. CUT TO EXT. TONY Thanks. it's all right. We see a gigantic marquee: “Andy Kaufman Presents Tony Clifton in THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME..

after the movie. (to the gang) I'll meet you all inside. AUNTY DEB Dere ain't no comin' attractions. TONY Anna. The others leave.. dear. Anna smiles and kisses him. TONY (smiling) Whatever you say. I don't wanna miss da comin' attractions.TONY Thanks. Dis here is a premier. can I talk t'ya a moment? ANNA Sure.. ANNA What is it? TONY I just wanna say that . (nervous cough) This is the most important day in my life . PEE WEE Well. INT. ANNA You're a wonderful man. Konway. THEATRE . let's get a move on. Tony leaves. dere's somethin' special I wanna ask ya. and I'm happy I'm sharin' it with you. ANNA (straightening Tony's tie) Now you go and get your picture taken.. Tony. Tony. TONY As a matter of fact. dummy.A FEW MINUTES LATER ..

we see it is Tony Clifton.. He is wearing a peach colored peasant shirt.. who has been watching from the back. HUNCHBACK Wadda . MOVIE THEATRE The camera holds on the facade of the building. Our camera pulls back.. we do. passing Tony.. On the screen we see a henchman wearing a black mask. then we hear the sound of uproarious laughter coming from within. It becomes louder and more frequent. At first silence. confused. As the pillary turns the Hunchback into view. revealing the crowd in the movie theatre doing the same. Projector starts up. People are rolling in aisles and slapping the floor. One eye has been placed in the center of his forehead and two of his teeth curve upward like elephant tusks.. House lights go down. Every time the whips meets flesh. Anna and the gang look around. DISSOLVE TO EXT. The townspeople in the film are laughing at him. wadda . wadda .filled to capacity. there is a Lucky Strike dangling from his mouth. His face has been deformed to look ridiculous. To make matters worse.THE SCREEN At first we see only the back of the suffering Hunchback tied to a rotating pillary. He runs up the aisle.. Even if we don't want to laugh. he lets out an agonizing “OUCH!” One audience member is laughing to hard he has to leave. MOVIE THEATRE .TONY'S FACE . He begins to whip the Hunchback. CLOSEUP . The audience is hysterical. CUT TO INT.

gotta ..a man whose dream is turning into a nightmare right before his very eyes.. they're laughin'.. it's suppose ta be a serious film.. Let's stick it to those network assholes.. ANDY Can you hear the laughter? It's a hit. bye. INT.. talking on the phone. I want ten mil for one run . Andy changes his voice.. but. it's very nice you called. Roars of laughter follow him. Tony. He hangs up.. THEATRE OFFICE . TONY Not pay it any mind . TONY (out of breath) Mr.. Someone's gotta stop this! He runs into the lobby. TONY (to himself) It's not supposed to be funny. fucker. stop this. that! (closes door) I wouldn't pay it any mind.. you . ANDY Yes... I love you too. Now. Kaufman . ANDY Stop what. but it's suppose ta . ANDY Oh.. Grandma . Why da movie . . Tony? TONY Stop what? . Somebody's gotta do somethin'.KAUFMAN sitting on the edge of a desk. baby! I told you.. Kaufman walks towards the open door... The door flies open and Clifton rushes into the room.. not to make a presale to TV..

ANDY I said. you lose some. dank you veddy much. Do you think for one moment I liked doing that? A grown man walking around going. TONY I don't wanna. TONY Win some and lose some . dank you veddy much? Do you? TONY Sure . ANDY That's right . ANDY Tony... I gotta stop it.. wasn't it? (takes out cigar) Well. ANDY (strong) Stay where you are. Tony. ANDY Good. ANDY Do you remember . Sit down. sit down...ANDY (as if forgetting and suddenly remembering) Oh. you win some.. Tony makes a move to leave. stops in his tracks.. that's what I was known for . Tony slowly does. the facts of life.. I think the time has come for me to tell you .. never hearing this tone from Kaufman before. yes .... . it was.. you were known for that.. He lights his cigar and settles down to tell his story. (louder) Dank you veddy much.

ANDY (laughing) An artist! There are no artists.. Tony -. Tony...” He looks Tony straight in the eyes.. You take any four or five syllable combination that makes up a catchy. milk a gimmick .your gimmick. a jerkoff .. TONY I'm not a buffoon jerkoff . my five syllable. I'm a artist.. ANDY “Get-cha-hands-off-me. you didn't really believe the audience wanted you to play “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” seriously! To them.” “You-can-call-me-Ray..... I'm not a gimmick.. (counting on fingers) “Wild-and-cra-zy-guy. high-pitched voice. men who are clever enough to know how to make a buck .” “Dank-you-ved-dy-much.. or cut their ears off and gave them to sluts as going away presents.. day in and day out? And yet I did it . easily remembered phrase. It's a simple enough formula to understand. my trademark . TONY I don't understand any a this.” “Na-no. Tony! They all died of starvation. ...” Five little words..” “It's-not-my-job-man.“dank you veddy much. come on. dank you veddy much... are men like me . All that will survive. in that nauseating. and why? Because it was my gimmick .. and spoon feed it to the ignorant masses . to say that asinine phrase. you've never been anything more than a buffoon .” Have you any idea what it does to you. and I made that buffoon jerkoff a SUPERSTAR. easily remembered combination.. na-no.

You see... Tony .. TONY Anna warned me about you . and I'm gonna go out there and tell those people what you've been doin'. Who is the real Tony Clifton? The puppet? Or the puppeteer? TONY (stands) I'm .. living under the delusion that you had what it took to go straight to the top.. I came along and I took that pitiful delusion and shaped it into a multi-million-dollar-a-year reality. you would've been forced to face facts and give up that ridiculous goal... . Tony . They're conditioned at this point.. they're going to laugh right in your face. ANDY I believe you'll recognize the signature on the back... ANDY (sadistic) In the beginning you were nothing more than a pitiful mental case. but I also created the audience's reaction to you. (pause) One could go so far as to ask . I'm me .. I've taken care of that also... Left alone. ANDY (derisively) Anna! (walking to desk) Tony. I'm Tony Clifton . after a few years of defeat . but I wouldn't believe her.. But fate entered. ANDY It won't do you any good. No matter what you possibly tell them . I not only created you... Andy reaches in drawer and takes out a check... Tony.and you didn't make me anything.

MOVIE SCREEN . PROJECTION BOOTH .. ANDY Anna was being paid to sleep with you.. whole stalks of bananas. Some members of the audience are almost beginning to believe this might be for real. watermelons. Tony . The projector starts sparking .. ... Tony runs down the aisle onto the stage..coconuts.He hands the check to Tony. The audience is hysterical. MOVIE going dead on screen. who turns it over and stares at the handwriting. PROJECTIONIST I understand. I know. The door opens and in runs Konway. He was usin' me -. Konway then attempts to shut off the projector. Projectionist attempts to stop him. CUT TO INT.SECONDS LATER . this isn't a joke! You people don't understand . TONY Stop laughin' . who falls limp to the floor. Mr. and comes to a halt. Kaufman . believe me.. TONY (screaming) Stop the movie! Stop the movie! The audience. Tony let's out a wounded cry and runs from the room. under no circumstances stop the film. zucchinis. advancing threateningly towards the projector.. PROJECTIONIST You stay away from that! Konway hauls off and slugs the man.. laughs louder. They're all alike.THE HUNCHBACK being pelted with ridiculous fruits and vegetables -.PROJECTIONIST on phone.he was usin' all of us.. The trick is to fuck them before they fuck you. thinking this is all part of the show. Now knowing how. he pulls a fire ax off the wall and begins to smash it.

He's not what he seems ta be . and then . Camera tremor is evident and we begin to see equipment and crew in the shot.. This is more than mere audience participation ... you won't have Tony Clifton to kick around any more . 'cause I'm leavin' . why didn't you tell me this is what he was leadin' to? . Kaufman has a grin of immense satisfaction on his face . their victim. hit the hunch.. and I ain't never comin' back. Well. now thoroughly convinced this must all be planned.. I ... Tony walks up to Zmuda. He is a changed man.. hit the hunch .. begins to unleash a fury of flying tomatoes. their five-syllable-easily-remembered-buffoon . in a tomato strewn heap in the center of the stage.. He struggles to rise to his feet. it is a vindictive mob that has fallen into Kaufman's trap. who appears taken aback with the authenticity of the moment. I thought you and I were friends ..... For lying lifelessly before them.. We've all been duped... the audience is left not only spent. Tony begins to move.TONY Listen . is Tony Clifton. Tony walks off through the wings. He falls to the ground. We see Kaufman preparing to throw another one. The audience jumps to its feet.. only to be knocked down again and again.. I was performin' from my heart . Tony is struck repeatedly. Kaufman is a .... tomato guts dripping off him.. I feel sorry for you people .. TONY slowly and painfully rising up. The audience stirs. listen ta me. A movie within a movie...... The camera follows him and for the first time we are made aware of the fact that this is actually being filmed as it happens... ANDY (chanting) Hit the hunch. A tomato hits Tony smack in the middle of the face. Thunder resounds outside. TONY I .. After the last remaining missiles have found their target. TONY (emotionally) Zmuda. We see Anna in tears being comforted by Bugsy.. The audience. The audience has gone wild. as ushers are running down the aisles handing out baskets of tomatoes to the crowd. their superstar. who has just now become . but almost ashamed. I don't think you even know why you did this ..

“The Tony Clifton Story. Kaufman turns straight to the camera and speaks: ANDY My name is Andy Kaufman. Mr. Frozen on the console screen is the footage of what we have just seen. to say the least.. ANDY In memory of Tony . revealing the mike boom dangling over Tony's head. EDITING ROOM .. and just three scenes away from the completion of this film . California. Andy not only plays himself. Tony Clifton... No attempt whatsoever has been made to make him look like Tony except for a moustache and hairpiece. On June 26. nine weeks into the shooting ..KAUFMAN the filmmaker. but also Tony Clifton. with myself playing the role of .” The camera moves in closer. Tony runs out of the backstage door.. Even the tuxedo hangs loosely from his frame. technicians. The film continues where it just left off. and in all due respect to him and his family. and various other production staff members. embarrassed. 1980. at the age of forty-five. Tony Clifton. maker of the film you are now watching.. I decided the last remaining scenes would be completed. Mr. The camera pulls back. is seated at a Steenbeck editing console. SLOW FADE FADE IN INT. FADE OUT READER'S NOTE: From now until the end of the film. in the completion of “The Tony Clifton Story. Universal Pictures unanimously decided to support the countless actors. 1980.. as written.” On June 12. His portrayal of Tony is exaggerated.Zmuda looks away. died of cancer at Cedar Sinai Hospital in Hollywood. FADE IN .

EXT. STAGE DOOR - TONY (played by Andy) running out of the door, into the rain. He hails a cab, jumps inside and speeds away. EXT. AIRPORT - HANGAR AREA - CAB pulls up in the rain. Tony gets out and tosses a handful of money towards the driver. Distraught, he runs off in the direction of the parked planes. ANOTHER ANGLE - TONY runs from plane to plane checking to see if any keys are left in the ignition. He finds one, jumps inside and starts flipping and pushing instruments, obviously not knowing what he's doing. The engine starts and the plane heads down the runway and takes off. The plane climbs, dips, climbs, dips and finally ascends into the clouds ... TIME LAPSE TONY'S PLANE flying in the clouds. Over this, newspaper headlines, spinning to f.g., “Clifton Quits -- Steals Plane.” Time lapse ... plane in flight ... “Clifton's Plane Still Missing.” Time lapse ... plane in flight ... “Tony Lost At Sea -- Feared Dead.” Plane still in flight as we hear ... the jungle drums. INT. NATIVE VILLAGE Same ritual that took place in the beginning of the film is taking place again. The Chief Headhunter looks up and speaks: CHIEF HEADHUNTER Ola Mu Ta. Soon we hear a plane's engines failing and ... the crash. CUT TO CRASH SIGHT - TONY'S PLANE crumbled up into a ridiculous smoldering ball ... surely no one survived. The door falls off and Tony steps out, unharmed. He looks at the thick forboding jungle before him. TONY Must be Central Park. Spots cannibals cautiously approaching with spears. TONY Yep. I was right.

They circle around him. TONY Hey, look guys ... I got no change. One native pokes him with spear. TONY Hey, take it easy, pal ... I'm a personal friend of Muhammad Ali's. Two more natives poke him. TONY The way I see it, fellas ... (pause) ... if you don't have green cards ... it's all right with me. They start to close in on him. TONY Come on, guys ... let's not lose our heads over this. They grab him and carry him off. TONY (screaming) Getcha hands off me. Getcha hands off me ... I'll call a cop! INT. TV STUDIO - WALTER CRONKITE sitting behind desk. WALTER CRONKITE Hello, this is Walter Cronkite. From presidents to popes to assembly line workers in Philadelphia... all the world is mourning the now-believed death of performer Tony Clifton. Tony, you may recall, stormed out of his own premiere two nights ago, vowing never to return again. According to his producer and deep personal friend, Andy Kaufman, “Tony was in a fit of

artistic inertia, brought on by his ever growing dependency on heroin.” In a detailed suicide letter, found by Mr. Kaufman himself, Tony stated, life had become too much for him. He wanted out. The note went on to personally thank Mr. Kaufman for all he had done for him. And to show his appreciation, he wanted all proceeds from any Tony Clifton memorabilia, which he was certain would spring up after his death, to go directly to Mr. Kaufman. But then, he left these final words to his fans: “I love each and every one of you. Remember me ... (beat) ... keep buyin' my records.” In life he was a giant. In death, a star who will be immortalized throughout eternity. (pause) ... and that's the way it is. This is Walter Cronkite. Good night. MONTAGE OF CLIFTON MEMORABILIA selling like hotcakes. Various shots of eager fans buying up Clifton records, dolls, posters, tuxedos, T-shirts, etc. Clifton dolls are literally being taken out of store windows ... shop keepers are shaking their heads “no” through locked doors. INT. GYMNASIUM - A HUGE BANNER stretched across the wall, reads: “TRIBUTE TO CLIFTON.” Zmuda, dressed in a peach tux, is talking over business with Kaufman. ZMUDA According to the latest sales figures ... record sales have quadrupled in the last week ... they can't press them fast enough. ANDY How are tickets going for the Forest Lawn concert ... (correcting himself) ... I mean, services? ZMUDA Went on sale at five-thirty this morning ... sold out two hours later.

we see fifty Tony Clifton lookalikes lining up.. They applaud exuberantly. From his p. They all take out cigarettes and light up.. Zmuda leaves. ANDY Okay.. ANDY First. let's try it again . (starts to walk away) ANDY And do me a favor .... ANDY Okay .... ZMUDA Gotchya.. ZMUDA (stopping) Sure.. CLIFTON-LOOKALIKES (strutting) Getcha hands off me. ANDY I'll call a cop. it's up to you to keep the legend of Tony alive . in every state of the Union.ANDY Great! Release the rest to the scalpers. men . and remember. Kaufman walks out onto the gym floor and blows a whistle.. the cigarettes and strut . what? ANDY (referring to the tux) Put on something else.o. . Getcha hands off me.v. CLIFTON-LOOKALIKES (in unison) I'll call a cop.. at triple the price.

.... let's just hope we can make it a big hit underneath the stars here tonight. and since we're all strangers here -. it was a big hit for him in 1964 . I'm eatin' this bowl a noodles in Cologne . Camera pulls back to reveal Tony in a large pot of water with a fire lit underneath. Natives begin to turn to each other and murmur. exchangin' glances . (smirk. Tony is “cookin'.. you wanna be able to savor my flavor. Do-be-do-be-do -. my good man ...We'd be sharin' love before the night was through...ANDY So. They are wearing fine French napkins around their necks and grasping silverware. One native is chopping carrots into the stew.do-be-do-be-do”.TONY TONY So.. (singing) “Strangers in the night. TONY Don't skimp.and it is a lovely night -all things considerin' . I'd like ta sing a song that was sung by a man named Francis Albert Sinatra ..CLOSEUP .. I'm eatin' this bowl a noodles in Cologne .. The savages are eagerly awaiting the outcome.” The Natives do.” TONY Well. A one... TONY “Wonderin' in the night. Even in his last minutes. what were the chances -.. CANNIBAL VILLAGE . smirk) I thought I'd go out on a song . and a two .. since we're waitin' for things to heat up here a little ... NATIVES “Do-be-do-be-do?” .. Tony speaks to him. probably left over from the Amelia Earhart crash...

.. Camera pans over to reveal Tony. TONY (eyes closed) Uh. I hope I don't see .. I'm wakin' up again...so do the Natives.. At his feet lay offerings of exotic fruits. Tony screams -. but doesn't..MOMENTS LATER Standing majestically on top of an altar is the Frank Sinatra cut-out... Tony opens his eyes and sees the skull.. he faints and his toupee falls off his head. (spots Sinatra cut-out) FRANK!! . still passed out. TONY (scared) What are you doin'? Please. NATIVES Do-be-do-be-do! Tony faints dead away . TONY Wait a second . Tony is just now coming around. please .. (pinching face) . let's forget the whole thing ... seated upon a jungle throne. what I just saw. he sees the skull. (continues to sing) “Do-be-do-be-do.. almost faints.. Dis is.. Tony's eyes open and slowly begin to focus in . I must be dreamin'..” The Natives excitedly pull Tony from the pot. Clifton believes his time has come.. What's goin' on around . You can all sing after the meal.. silently bowing in his direction . don't! As a matter of fact. JUNGLE TEMPLE . oh ...TONY Ya wanna hold it down... his toupee has been placed religiously on top of a nearby skull. a few beats go by and he begins to come around. dat ain't me . The Natives are on their knees. TONY (dazed) Oh .. I'll take ya all out ta Bob's Big Boy. INT. They grab him.

TONY Do . be. I get it .. From outside the temple we hear the voice of a Newsboy.. be. be. well...... but this time he investigates further. welllll! Tony starts strutting.. extra .... NATIVES (exuberantly) Do-be-do-be-do. TONY (testing them) Do . read all about it! TONY What's that? .. (spots beautiful native girls) Yeah.. NEWSBOY (o.. NATIVES Do . Well. Tony almost faints again. TONY Dis is more like it . you think I'm .. well..NATIVES (loud) Do-be-do-be-do. picks up a piece of fruit from the altar... TONY (figuring it out) Oh .. NATIVES Do ..) Extra . do-be-do-be-dooooooo... be. TONY (softly) Do.s. things are beginnin' to shape up around here .

. Camera opens up to reveal thousands of people.. Tickets can be purchased through Kaufman Productions. who starts playing. EXT.. (grabs paper. He steps up to the podium and points to the organist.. they're holdin' Tony Clifton's funeral tomorrow! TONY What are you talkin' about! .” Why. extra .. Clifton burial to be held tomorrow! TONY Hey. . he's still cashin' in on me.. Anna and the rest of the gang are present.... Tony does a double take as we DISSOLVE TO EXT. boy. Haven't you heard . And pay they will. Lying inside is Tony's peach tuxedo. extra! Newsboy leaves. Give me one of those ... reads aloud) “Services will be held tomorrow for Tony Clifton . as the numerous ticket turnstiles can attest to. Kaufman is about to give the eulogy.” They have all come to pay their last respects.He leaves the temple.. FOREST LAWN CEMETERY ... “TONY DIED FOR OUR SINS. A few fanatics are carrying signs that read.. that creep . What's this all about? NEWSBOY Golly. come here. mister. We see an expensive peach-colored casket sitting open. the Natives follow.. (to Newsboy) By the way .. what are you doin' sellin' papers in the middle of the jungle? NEWSBOY Can I help it if they gave me a bad corner? (beat) Extra . On the satin pillow we see the last remains of Tony Clifton -moustache and toupee. most of them wearing peach tuxes with black arm bands. read all about it ...NEXT DAY We see a ludicrous granite statue of Tony pouring a glass of water over the head of John the Baptist.. NATIVE VILLAGE NEWSBOY Extra .

.. screaming. “do-be-do-be-do. my brothers.who passed from our midst far too soon. With this priceless recording. The world has lost the greatest superstar of all time.... he can be remembered forever.. Mourning in the b. (booming) Will echo through the canyons and resound from the hills.. Fortunately.cassette tape.album. (pulls album out from behind podium) DOUBLE MEMORIAL ALBUM! Eighteen ninety-five -. VOICE (o..g. have lost my . ANDY (pleading) Tony. Kaufman tries to escape only to be caught and dragged back to Tony. TONY (yelling) That's him....ANDY (laying it on thick) We are all gathered here today to bid one final farewell to Anthony Sebastian Clifton -. for Tony need not be forgotten. I'll give you a third of the money! I'm a nice guy . ANDY But grieve not. please! Look. Kaufman . remember “dank you veddy much?” TONY Don't give me any a that crap. Tony's voice . just as if . through this magnificent .. I've been waitin' ta . in full war dress.s. followed by the entire Ubangi tribe. best friend.” The others present are speechless.. and I . Twenty-one ninety-five -. fellas -.grab him! Natives run after Kaufman..) (yelling) You creep! We see Tony charging over the hill riding an elephant.

only to be clunked over the head with a shovel swung by the Chief Headhunter. Tony struts jubilantly back and forth. take off that ridiculous disguise before I rip it off your face. Just then we hear . Even the savages drop their characterizations... is genuinely shocked. It makes no difference ta me.. He has returned! Once more we are aware of the fact that this is actually being filmed as it happens. VOICE (o. let me lay some pipe into ya. TONY Come here. We see it is the real Tony Clifton. Tony takes a major league windup and belts Kaufman right in the kisser. you wanna keep playin' with your little cameras. where do you get off tellin' people I died a cancer? Kaufman lets go of Anna. then falls down and lands in Tony's freshly dug grave. The entire “cast.do this for a long time. (walks right up to Andy) And Kaufman. He grabs her forcibly. Kaufman goes flying straight up in the air. TONY Kaufman.” especially the girl playing Anna. go right ahead. he tries to crawl out. Tony (played by Andy) turns to see who this voice belongs to. This is really happening. ANDY Keep the camera going -. TONY Justice is done . justice is done! Every dog will have his day! Hammy! Sammy! Noodles for everyone! Tony struts obscenely up to Anna.) Getcha hands off her. The Natives let out a bloodcurdling “do-bedo-be-do. Andy appeasingly takes off the toupee and moustache. Kaufman crosses his eyes and slithers back down.this is gold! TONY (belligerently.s. ANDY . you two-bit whore. Dazed. to crew) Yeah..” Everyone else applauds.

I'm sorry to disappoint you. (to Andy) And where do you get off tellin' people I didn't get any until I was forty-five years old? (getting mad) I oughtta give you five across the face! (a few in the crowd snicker) But that's probably just what you want. ANDY Tony! TONY (strong) Shut up! Kaufman does. wadda! I don't even talk like that.. you're gonna be bleedin' in Technicolor. maybe I really should. The strut is gone. Well. I get to punch you out? Well. it's total fabrication. because I'm gonna show you the difference between me and you... TONY ”The Tony Clifton Story. Tony walks over to Anna. isn't it? So you can get it all on your little cameras here. I don't know why you're so upset. Yeah. Not at all.. Kaufman. Mr. you would have seen that you're the hero -.” “The Tony Clifton Story!” What bullshit! This movie has nothin' whatsoever to do with my life . It was all a lie! A fantasy. That's not why I came back. that's it! 'Cept this time you're not gonna go flyin' thirty feet in the air .Tony.. You even get to punch me out..you get the girl. If you hadn't walked off the film.. Instead I want you to watch very closely. TONY .that Kaufman made up! (mockingly) Hammy! Sammy! Wadda. but I'm not gonna do that. TONY Oh ..

. The elephant dances in circles.” Soon it turns into a grand scale musical finale. Tony and Anna turn to see who is playing... as long as I have you.. Shapiro. TONY “Every single little dream is a shingle or a rafter We can paint the house with laughter. ANNA Oh. that I met you while workin' on dis here movie. tears streaming down his face too. sing along! The entire cast…Bugsy.. (tears forming) . build a home on happiness. Konway. and I don't even know what's goin' on any more..” Kaufman appears dumbfounded. when we build a little home.. You don't need a lot of log and stone.(tenderly) I just wanna tell ya . we're sure of getting far. complete with grave diggers singing and digging in rhythm to the music. Tony begins to sing. Zmuda…join in. tears streaming down both of their faces. we can move to da country and raise chickens for all I care. Tony! I love you. (falsetto) Aloooooooooone!” (loud) Come on. and if we have someone to love us. .. everybody. I love ya. 'Cause honey. TONY (singing) “We always have a roof above us as long as there's a star. CHORUS “With a million little stars we can make a raise the ceiling with an optimistic feeling when we build a little home. Aunty Deb. but one thing I know for sure . We hear a lone musical intro. too! They embrace and kiss lovingly. We see caskets spring open as corpses sit up and harmonize. It's Pee Wee on a harmonica.

“To Kaufman. 'Cause honey. followed by the Natives.” The cake begins to vibrate…and out pops Marilyn Comstack.as long as I have you…we can move to the country and raise chickens for all I care. TONY I just wanna say one last thing.” Tony looks directly into the camera and speaks. if I may. The inscription on the cake reads.” As the spectacular musical number comes to a close. all carrying large green cards. TONY Go on. If you don't tell her now.. Kaufman. followed by tap-dancing bottles of Purple Passion. ANDY No. Tony and the entire cast break into “The Clifton Strut. From Tony. haltingly) One thing I know for sure. stopping a few feet from him. BLACK OUT .. you never will. who winks back.I love you.. EVERYONE (singing) “With a million little stars we can make and raise the ceiling with an optimistic feeling when we build a little home.. Kaufman smiles tenderly at Tony. If I made just one person happy.. MARILYN I love you too. only to be chased back by: the strutting Clifton lookalikes.it's all been worth it.Kaufman takes off for the hills. Kaufman is stunned. Thank you and good night. followed by a gigantic cake on wheels that ominously approaches Kaufman. They embrace.. TONY Tell her! ANDY (to Marilyn. I can't.

alone.ROLL CREDITS as Frank Sinatra sings “Come Blow Your Horn” -. THE END .