Board of Education Compromises: Islamojudeochristeo-Pastafaraelian Evolutology Theory of Origin to be taught in Biology Classes

The Kansas Board of Education has finally come to an agreement in what to teach Biology students in regards to the beginnings of the universe. After religious leaders debated against scientists on the truth of human origin, the concept of “intelligent design” was born—the theory that while evolution took place, it was at the hands of an intelligent being. The compromise of “intelligent design” is discredited by both, as having no scientific merit nor doctrinal credence. After many meetings attended by religious scholars, teachers, notable scientists, textbook publishers and concerned parents, a thoroughly researched and divinely inspired compromise has been reached. “We call it the Islamojudeochristeo-Pastafaraelian Evolutology Theory of Origin,” reported Dr. Stuartson, the principal of a local high school, “or IPET. It’s an exceptionally respectful theory that embraces many faiths and schools of thought.” Dr. Sophtuffe, one of the chief architects of IPET, described the theory in detail: “Our origin begins with the Yin Yang Bang, in which all of the Good and Evil matter in the universe was packed into a square inch and exploded. Yahweh—the One True God that sports a Noodly Appendage, was born from the Bang and created the Earth and the aliens that landed upon it to give technology to the humans, who were created from a combination of dust, monkeys, and land-dwelling fish. All things in the universe evolve, including Yahweh, whom after thousands of years became Allah, and touched many souls with the use of crystals and New Age music.” Mixed reactions come from both parents and biology students of Kansas high schools. Some are concerned about the amount of inclusive diversity reflected in the theory. “I’m not impressed,” expressed one parent, Mrs. Karen Maloney. “The theory completely disregards traditional Native American spiritual practices and creation as dictated in Hinduism. This kind of narrow-minded thinking is dangerous to our democratic society and I don’t want to expose my children to it.” Students, however, feel optimistic about IPET. “I think it’s kind of cool,” said sophomore Natalie Perbickey. “I like the idea of the Noodly Appendage and I completely agree with it, but I dunno. I actually only took Biology because my best friend and that one hot guy from my study hall were taking it. I probably won’t even pass the first semester to get to the section where it’s [the Islamojudeochristeo-Pastafaraelian Evolutology Theory of Origin] taught.” As biology textbooks are in the process of being published to include the theory, teachers prepare to teach the section with a variety of learning materials. The spare cabinet in AP Biology teacher Mr. Lionel’s science lab is now stocked for his unit on Origin with his Bible, Qu’ran, Darwin’s The Origin of Species, quartz crystals, trilobite fossils, wind chimes and Enya CDs. “This is such a relief to me,” Ms. Vertisansen, who teaches Intro to Biology, claims. “I did my best to remain faithful in my lessons to the evidence that supports science and reason, rather than be influenced by the unsupported tenets of religion. To compare teaching Theory of Origin to archery, it is usually the practice to shoot two different arrows—religion and science—and to try to compare which is closer to the bullseye from far away. Now we are shooting so many arrows, not hitting that bullseye seems impossible!”