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MARCH 21-27, 2012

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I don’t get it Performance art for the rest of us P.10

THE GRUD

Even better than fucking bagels P.6

The Man With The Master Plan Toronto’s freshest
hip-hop revolution P.13
BY BILLY HOESANTRIKS

The city’s best new brewery You’ve never tasted anything like it P.8

Looking for Ryerson news? Find it online this week TheEyeopener.com

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March 21-March 27, 2012

THEGRUDTO.COM

with valid college or university I.D.
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March 9 - April 30. Not valid on purchases of gift cards, lottery tickets, Western Union, transit tickets, stamps, tobacco and prescriptions.

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A/city
Trending
Justin Trudeau. I mean look at him. Just look Rob Ford’s feelings hurt by journalism “meanies” Have Ray Bans become too mainstream?

March 21-March 27, 2012

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Apples are the new oranges. Better than pears

Oranges are the new apples; says new study

WE THE TWEEPLE

On Sunday, Toronto library workers were not able to reach a new agreement with the city as talks collapsed over the issue of job security. During the strike, all library branches and facilities will be closed and book borrowers will not be charged fines on overdue items. Additionally, book drops will be closed and people are asked to hold on to their borrowed books until the strike is over.

@doucheymcdouche Who cares? Does anyone even use libraries anymore @Bookworm_4948 @doucheymcdouche Libraries are one of the key foundations of our democracies. @Bibliophile4948 @doucheymcdouche Magaret Atwood would roll over in her grave #freethelibraries @doucheymcdouche @Bibliophile4948 Who’s Margaret Atwood? Sounds hot @Bookthug4life @doucheymcdouche I should beat you with my first edition copy of The Handmaid’s Tale #imgonnakillyou @doucheymcdouche Seriously dudes it’s called an iPad. Stop crying about not being able borrow books #ebooks #$4.99 @TorrentzRus I liked libraries. It was like the Pirate Bay but for books #piracy #SOPA @Blockbusterless Can I borrow Halo at a library #blockbuster closeddown @Zombrarian4948 The Walking Dead finale was CRAZY #libraries #awesome

2:44 p.m.
MONDAY
_CHURCH AND GOULD

Young vibrant youths enjoy a beauteous sunny afternoon after a laborous day of applying themselves in the classroom. Beer, nachos and hamburgers were enjoyed by all and everyone drank responsibly because they were all totally over the legal drinking age. Grudlock
The week in animosity.

SHELDON LEVY EGGY
VS.

TIM HORTONS
Opening later this year, Balzacs is getting ready to teabag its opponents. It will be located in the pristine and fully-renovated Image Arts building and Ryerson students are excited that their morning brew will no longer be a commute away. However, you can’t help but wonder how Tim Hortons feels about the impending turf war. Time will tell which coffee shop has the bigger Balzacs.

BALZACS
VS.

PITMAN THE ILLC
VS.

Eggy the mascot publicly called out Ryerson University President and upcoming rapper Sheldon Levy for not having enough street cred. Levy’s music, which talks about growing up in a rough neighbourhood, has already been banned from numerous retailers for being too vulgar. “He’s a hack,” said Eggy. “He don’t know what it’s like to be an animal.”

From the second you set foot on Ryerson’s luscious downtown campus, it becomes apparent that Pitman Hall is the place to party your face off. Recently, students are finding Pitman’s apartments too crowded to get sloppy with first years. Becuase of this, more and more of them have turned to ILLC for all their perverted needs. “Pitman is so last semester,” said one student. ”I partied in ILLC before it was cool.”

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March 21-March 27, 2012

THEGRUDTO.COM

_bulletin
Crack in time

The top stories that we think are news worthy. Bias is a-okay if you admit to it first!
Broadview and Millbrook Riverdale resident Molly Moronna is petitioning the city to designate a sidewalk crack a “heritage rift.” Fifteen-inches long and nearly a centimetre deep, the crack runs across a sidewalk slab perched next to the scenic Riverdale Park. The city recently undertook a project to renew the neighbourhood’s aging sidewalks, but 33-year-old Moronna says the history of the crack is being forgotten. “My memories at that crack span my entire life,” said Moronna. “From attempting to break my mother’s back as a child to spraining my ankle after getting my stiletto caught in it after a particularly rough walk of shame, I just can’t let the city take it away.” Designating a heritage rift is a lengthly process. A crack team of city representatives must determine that the crack meets the five criteria: ease of tripping, vomit-trace analysis, aesthetic appeal (“crackiness”), rarity and ability to retain rainwater.

Ford Failures
We’ve never hidden the fact that we don’t particularly care for our mayor, and here’s a comprehensive list explaining why. We could write a simple blurb about it, but why do that when we can make a pretty little graphic?

_GRAPHIC CONTENT

Moronna’s neighbour Alan Smuggee said, “I’m fighting alongside Molly to protect our neighbourhood’s heritage from gentrification and big box stores and stuff.”

Edward Keenanhands —Moleskine® notebook

Generation Awks

Bloor and Brunswick The annual Awk-

ward Introverts Meeting was held at the Green Room last Saturday, the sixth attempt this year to run the social event. Sixty-three people clicked “attending” for the last attempt two weeks ago, but the one guy who showed up pretended to get a phone call and left. Saturday’s event drew more than five people who came alone and sat at different tables while trying to look approachable and smiling weakly. By 11 p.m. two of the attendees accidently met eyes and after a few moments of mouthed words and hand gesturing, sat at the same table and drank in silence. The organizer, Star C. Raft, who couldn’t make it due to a sudden family emergency, said it was the most successful event to date.

He’s not an aesthetically pleasing shape.

How to not talk about Rob Ford
He hasn’t been an inspiring enough weight loss role model.

He swears at reporters. They’re like, the nicest people ever and not at all intrusive.

He promised to do a bunch of crappy things if we elected him and he’s tried to follow through. What a dick.

He kicks footballs. Think of the pig that sacrificed its skin, you pig. We heard from our cousin’s friend’s hairdresser that he controls the weather.

He kicked my dog and when I asked him about it he blamed it on Barack Obama.

He’s anti-poutine. Hence the whole “stop the Gravy Train” business.

GRADUATION PHOTOS

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RSUONLINE.CA/SERVICES
Click on Grad Photos on Campus

Toronto’s public employees face the prospect of going on strike, an outcome the public thought would be avoided after they began talks with the city earlier this year. Now, after the city council’s feet have dragged and nothing has happened, CUPE... Fuck it. Who am I kidding? I can no longer go a week without mentioning the root of all evil. Rob Ford is to blame for everything that is wrong with this city and I have an uncontrollable need to bash him. I’m jonesing, I need my Ford mocking. The peak of my frustration is that I take all this time to point out what this porcine oaf is doing wrong and he doesn’t even pay attention. How hard is it to follow my carefully laid out instructions? Step by step, I’ve told the mayor how to run his city, but he does the exact opposite. >> Fact: Ford is an over-puffed, overpowered douchebag. To anyone actually paying attention, I’m going to offer up a last ditch suggestion to educate you culture-consuming readers on how to save your city from the funsucking manatee know as Rob. It really is quite simple. Step 1: Distract Ford with a pile of pulled pork sandwiches from Lou Dawg’s BBQ. He will be occupied for at least 30 seconds. If that doesn’t work, offer to shave him and pull a Sweeney Todd. Guarantee he’s never seen it. Step 2: Sick the library fighters on him, but arm them with sharp letter openers and pieces of paper so they can slowly hack him to pieces. It may be slow and painful, but Ford is similar to a turtle in that he doesn’t run. He barely moves at all. Step 3: Sell his gravy-like blood to the nearest poutine stands and distribute his body parts to the highest bidder. I can guarantee you fine citizens are looking for a little bit of Ford to kick around. Step 4: Take the profits to city hall and fix our city’s destroyed economy. All while taking care of the mayor we deludedly elected. Two birds. I’m tired of pretending Ford is going to wake up. It’s time to get proactive and make him ditch his ignorance — by dumping him in the nearest ditch.
OUR DAUGHTER WANTS A SIBLING Text: Male same-sex couple seeking egg donor to help expand our family. Currently have one wonderful daughter born through donation. Happy to answer any questions about us or the process. Contact us Ourdaughterwantsasibling@ gmail.com

* To appear on the class composite, you must have your photo taken.
Another service of the

QueenSalonAndBarberSpa.com 316 Queen Street East, Toronto 416-366-3838 Monday to Saturday 9am - 9pm OPEN SUNDAYS 11am - 7pm Student Discount Rate (All Year Round) Shampoo & Cut $15 (must show student ID card) + Bonus Services Included Women’s Full Hair Service: Foil Highlights & Cut Included $95 $75 Colour & Haircut Arrive early and receive a free complimentary Espresso or Cappuccino!

THEGRUDTO.COM

March 21-March 27, 2012

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Cardboard Box

_THAT’S A BUSINESS?

Pass by this “dining” spot at lunch or dinner and you’re guaranteed not to hit any lines. The small restaurant and part-time bar, composed of recycled beer boxes, was one of the only places known to serve locally organic and ‘recycled’ food. “One of our biggest problems was having no kitchen,” said Brock Lee, former Cardboard Box owner and local street artist. “It made preparing great dishes even harder but our food was as local as you could get. Our clientele really appreciated that.” Their mixture of decaying chicken bones and day old cabbage stew was a sure delight that was offered as a daily special, or whatever the dumpster next door could provide. “It was always a mystery what flavours would appear on your plate,” said Gassey Jack, Box enthusiast and one-time visitor who was itching what he called “just a rash.” “I ordered a seafood salad and I got to take the crabs home!” Throngs of foodies amping up this place on their blog will mourn the closure after a fluke rainstorm that shut the restaurant down, after disintegrating for the fifth time.

“We just never had good business on a rainy day,” said Lee. The restaurant first opened last week after a series of boxes were left on the side of the road in the next upand-coming hood. Its location often changed with the wind. The remains of the restaurant scatter the ground as local community members debate how to commemorate “the place you went when everywhere else was full.” “I mean, the food wasn’t really very good, and I think the beer was flat, but the place has so much sentimental value,” said one girl with one side of her hair shaved off. “I got food poisoning and puked all night and my friend had to hold my hair out of my face. We’re totally dating now.” Lee said he has no current plans to open a new location but has considered branching out into another field. “I really like fields. All the openness and fresh air. Really gets you thinking,” said Lee. For now, local residents will have to go elsewhere to get their not-so daily fill of quite-a-few-day-olds garnished with hardened mold. “I think I went there one time,” said some guy nearby. — Barry Right

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Major Toronto organization the Ryerson Students’ Union (RSU) is in talks to start a new campaign that would close all of Yonge Street. “Ryerson students deserve to experience a real campus, and the traffic on Yonge is having a really negative effect on that,” said Caitlin Smith, RSU president. Yonge Street stretches from Lake Ontario in downtown Toronto to Keswick in northern Ontario. The RSU said they plan to close all 1,896 km of Yonge Street and they are feeling confident after successfully closing Gould Street in 2010. “We need to close the whole street for two reasons,” said Smith. “First, Ryerson is expanding dramatically, so we’ll have more options for the inevitable future expansion with the whole street closed. Second, it will decrease confusion over where the Ryerson’s campus is.” The City of Toronto has yet to make an official statement on the “Close Yonge Street” campaign, but Mayor Rob Ford said it could really slow the transfer of gravy on his proposed subway. “I think it’s a wicked idea,” said Max Finnigan, a third-year new media student at Ryerson. “I always have to wait like a minute and a half to cross from Gould onto Yonge. It would save me like six minutes a day.” The RSU will be releasing the concrete platform for the pedestrian

Goulding Yonge

_BAD IDEAS

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WE SERVE GOOD TIMES...

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B/life
Trending
Beer continues to be a great thing Plays, because plays were the original 3D movies Facial hair. It’s like regular hair, but on your face Ballzac’s is opening soon for all your Ballzac needs

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March 21-March 27, 2012

THEGRUDTO.COM

Waffles are the new pancakes

10:30 a.m.
TUESDAY
_GOULD AND VICTORIA

Ryerson trendsetter and performance artist Bruno Quarless lays passed out by Lake Devo on Tuesday morning to highlight the brutality of modern life (and last night’s tequila).
STREET LEVEL

@Kerr Hall

What class do you wish you had dropped?

Jimbo, 22, ACS Canadian Culture: from Nickelback to Justin Bieber.

Shania, 19, RTS Advanced synergy in post-ubiquitous society.

Rodney, 21, Dance FEEEEEES!

Child, 6, Child Advanced techniques in contemporary fingerpainting.

THEGRUDTO.COM

March 21-March 27, 2012

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Eyeopener 2012/2013 election
Speeches are next Thursday at the Wolf & Firkin, 7PM Voting will on Friday March 30th, from 10:30 to 5:30 Nomination forms available from the Eyeopener HQ (SCC207)
Any student can run & all editor positions are available: news, sports, media, features, photo, biz & tech, arts & life, fun, community and online. To run, put your name on a nomination form, get your election poster up on the wall and start writing a speech telling everyone how awesome you are. The following people are eligible to vote: the current Eyeopener masthead, Liane McLarty, Chris Roberts, J.D. Mowat, Susana Gomez-Baez, Tara Deschamps, Imran Khan, Victoria Stunt, Rhiannon Russel, Dasha Zolata, Catherine Polcz, Diana Hall, Harlan Nemers, Charles Vanegas, Jessica Murray, Abigale Subdhan, Tanya Mok.

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March 21-March 27, 2012

THEGRUDTO.COM

_HOPPED UP

Funky brewsters
Some say you shouldn’t brew beer in your bathtub. They would say it’s unhealthy, unhygienic, and just pretty disgusting in general. But the man behind Tub Time Brewhaus says it’s all worth it. By LAg JEFFERqUISt

_tHE FORty OUNCE

this week: learning to live with yourself

Many people have self-respect and a modicum of dignity. You aren’t one of those people.
Colt 45, $5.95 This fine beer has a medium amber colour and a mildly hoppy nose. It tastes like beer mixed with that juice at the bottom of your garbage bag, and loses points because I lost a fight to a hobo after drinking it. Ounce notes “The LCBO says to pair this up with wings or ribs, but we both know it will go better with getting fired from your job and driving a school bus into an orphanage.”

Toronto is overf lowing with microbrew alternatives for more discerning beer-lovers. Mill St., Granite Breweries, Duggan’s, and Amsterdam to name a few. But what about for the true connoisseur, the beer drinker looking for a truly profound pint? Look no further than the Tub Time Brewhaus located on Shuter Street just west of Church. Brew master, CEO, and second-year health information management student Sean Jennings is passionate about his pilsner. “Currently we are mixing up a batch of Bodywash Ale,” said Jennings as he slowly mixed the brew with a hockey stick. An earlier batch of Bodywash Ale won runner-up at the Canadian Brewing Awards in Hamilton for the best imperial IPA. “They told me that I couldn’t make a world-class microbrew in my fucking bathtub, but I showed them,” said Jennings. “I showed them all.” Due to its small size, Tub Time’s elite clientele is allowed to visit the brewery by invitation only. Tub Time beer is dispensed in a wide variety of quantities because it’s bottled in repurposed containers, like soup cans or empty bean bag chairs. “I like to brew in small batches,” said Jennings standing next to his porcelain brewing vat, which is partially protected by a special plastic curtain. “I don’t get to sell as much beer, but I don’t want any of my precious f lavour being watered down.”

He’s also concerned about the environmental impact of “normal” breweries and bathrooms. “Sustainability is a core value of our business model,” said Jennings. “W hy should I let all that water go down the drain when I could make beer out of it? He and his roommate Gabe Bryant wash the vat by hand between each custom batch, sometimes together, before pouring the fine German hops, malted barley, and brewer’s yeast into the tepid, light-brown water. “It’s not that we said he couldn’t brew beer in his bathtub, we just tried to tell him he shouldn’t,” said friend Andrea Bell. “Then again, I was pretty curious to try it.” Bell blames an experimental stout for a recent wave of E. coli that swept the Ryerson campus, as well as for her sporadic consciousness and probable infertility. “That’s part of Tub Time’s charm,” said Jennings. “Each batch is a Pandora’s box of f lavours, side effects and potential lawsuits.” It’s true — each batch from the Tub Time Brewhaus is unique. The complex f lavour notation depends on how often Jennings and Bryant visit the Ryerson Athletic Centre, which shampoos are on sale at Metro, and the amount of sex that happens in and around the brewing vat. “People always told me to follow my dreams. I didn’t know what they were talking about, but it sounded kind of nice,” said Jennings.

Pabst Olde English 800, $6.00 This lager has a distinctively fruity aroma and a hoppy finish, and gains points for tasting considerably less like piss than some brands. It also helps that I woke up indoors with pants on. Ounce notes “The LCBO says to pair this up with pizza or pasta, but you’ll be pairing it with the feeling that you can’t bear to look at your terrible children any longer.”

Maximum Ice, $5.25 This medium-bodied beer has some malty notes and a delicate nose, which almost make up for the fact that it feels like someone is punching you in the throat when you swallow it. Ounce notes “The LCBO says to pair this up with nachos or fish and chips, but you’re probably going to pair it up with the fact that you just don’t give a shit about anything anymore.”

In his endless mission to find all the best hidden hotspots in the city, we stumble on a diamond in the rough. By CHARLEStEvE HERNANDERSONStEIN
There’s a sweet spot gently tucked away on Church Street, and it was about time I sucked on it. Picture a brick castle safe from the hazards of professionalism; a sanctuary for the thinkers, the lovers, and the engineers. A place where students help students every 45-minutes or so, depending whether they’re busy or whatever. A place where the food is as good as the toilet it gets shat into. Marvelous. Welcome to the Ram in the Rye my friend — Ryerson’s finest establishment since Sheldon Levy’s Hummus House, which closed in 2003 to make way for Julia Hanigsberg’s 55-acre mansion, the Hanigopolis. But I digress, good friend. I don’t digest however, because I was presented with the Ram’s finest entrée: the Ram Burger. Excitement. Here’s how Master Chef Thurston Dugless prepares it: “A glob of meat drenched in Southern Ontario’s most delectable grease is just the icing on the cake when it comes to this bastard child of cuisine,” says Dugless, clenching a large dog food container and smoking a cheap cigar. “Then we throw in aged Pitman Hall cheese and some Salad King leftovers. Then we ask Jimmy the Whale to slap them up into his pits a few times. That’s where the magic kinda happens.” Righteous. Burt Juggles, veteran server at the Ram, quickly stopped me before I dove straight into the pool of cholesterol and happiness that Dugless poured upon me. “Drink,” he says, presenting me with the Ram’s finest golden shower. “Our signature beer comes straight from the drains of Kerr Hall West,” he said. “I like it. It’s called Molson Canadian.” Math. As I drenched my body with solid and liquid pleasures, my tongue yearned for sweetness. Two and a half hours later, the Ram’s staff came back from their smoke break and delivered their delectable masterpiece. “We call it the Gluttonous Maximus,” said Ram cake-maker Stefan Alowitz. “It’s pretty much just bread and sugar covered in chocolate, honey and whatever scraps we didn’t throw into the Chili.” Sweet, sexy Jesus. I loved my time at the Ram, and if Church Street pays attention to this fine establishment, they might just learn its secret. “The students love it,” said Juggles. “Fuck me if I know why.”

Ramming speed

_FOOD AND DRINK

THEGRUDTO.COM

C/culture
Trending
Art is very in, and very artistic Eggshell is the new offwhite. Get repainting Curvy lines are much cooler than straight ones Blank canvases because who needs colour

March 21-March 27, 2012

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Conventionalists’ new CD, Amateur Cartography

An Argument

—you don’t just order a pint
“You’re just being selfish,” said Connor. “I’m being selfish?” said Noah, staring judgingly over his ironic glasses. “Yeah, you totes are,” said Connor. “You can’t just order a pint of PBR when there are other people around. A modern gentleman always gets a pitcher.” “Don’t get your skinny jeans in a twist man, I blew most of my cash on plaid shirts at the thrift store this afternoon,” Noah said, starting to get a little defensive. He hated being called cheap. “Yeah, well I picked your mom up at the thrift store last week. She was cheap as hell.” “Don’t you bring my mother into this!” said Noah. “Then don’t be such a stingy bastard!” shot back Connor. “This is just like the time you got pissed over The Beatles. You get your mind set on something and you won’t let it go,” said Noah. “You said Ringo was the best Beatle! How did you expect me to react!?” said Connor, jumping out of his seat. “His song writing was far more imaginative and unconventional than the mainstream hogwash John, Paul and George ever came up with!” Noah shouted. “I’m going to trash your Fixie bike, take a sepia toned photo of it and post it to Instagram. It will be all over Tumblr in a few hours.” Now Noah was shaken. “You wouldn’t,” he said. “Get your walrus loving face out of my sight and maybe I won’t,” said Connor. “Dude, I thought we were tight. It’s just beer,” said Noah. “Just beer? It’s cheap and tasteless and I’ve been drinking it before you’d even heard of it,” said Connor. “Dude, seriously?” said Noah. “I’ll cut you,” said Connor.

SATURDAY

9:51p.m.

The Victoria building was full of crowds of art-loving students this weekend at the opening of the official Next Car Art Gallery in the VIC elevator. Not only did this feature pictures of aspects of the campus, it was printed on high quality 8.5 by 11 paper. The rounded edges and low resolution of the photographs drew in enormous crowds of eager onlookers — after all, frames are awfully overrated.

_DUNDAS AND VICTORIA

-Delicious Pete

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March 21-March 27, 2012

THEGRUDTO.COM

_INSTALLATION ART

Making a statement
100%

While the Toronto art community certainly has a lot to offer, artist Xavier P. Retencious’, revolutionary new vision for the city is making waves. The name of this revolutionary medium? Installation art. It’s difficult to imagine a form of art more fit to make a statement and push the boundaries of our societal interpretations of life. BY J. TREVOR BIXI Degree of impact-oriented _waste installation art in the GTA _growth _touch

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50% Few things scream statement as effectively as litter. Not only does this piece push the boundaries of our understanding of the universe, it also demonstrates the enormous waste generated by today’s society. This piece asks the important questions. What is waste, really? Why are we here? And, what if the world recycled needless Tim Hortons wrappers instead of littering? From the ashes of the solitude of a lone wrapper comes this piece, representing a rebirth of society. These planters simulate the growth of a new life, and the transition from the darkness of apathy into a new world of light and understanding. Like a phoenix from the ashes, these planters represent more than planters sitting by the SCC. They aren’t just empty pieces of landscaping. They are a hope for a new, brighter future. While man-made buildings scrape away at the sky, this solitary glove reminds us all that nature reaches out without causing further destruction. And yet we all need to reach back and return a helping hand. The poignant piece evokes a sense of sadness as we feel the senses we take for granted. It’s a powerful display of emotion and the innate yearning of the human soul. It represents what we have given and what we have left behind. It’s a polarizing model for humanity. Touch displays more than simply a glove in a tree — it’s a powerful demonstration of mankind’s ability to reach for the clouds, and touch the sky.

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_vision

Course Intention March 19-25
www.ryerson.ca/currentstudents/essr/courseintention

While the traditional archetypes of darkness and shadow represent a discursive blindness, this piece demonstrates humanity’s innate ability to resist the pull of darkness and break free into the light. The reflective nature of the sunglasses acts as a sort of mirror to society. They see everything, but do they really see anything? Vision is yet another example of the ever growing, new post-personification movement that is currently spreading like a (benevolent) wildfire through the local art scene. Naturally, trees need sunlight to grow, so the use of sunglasses, which inherently block out their principle source of nourishment, is an obvious (but still effective) play on the self imposed poisons that we all inflict upon ourselves in a modern info-centric society. Vision is a simple, yet profound statement on the nature of humanity. The artist is selling the sunglasses from the tree installation for $59.99 each. All proceeds go to feeding his cocaine habit.

THEGRUDTO.COM

March 21-March 27, 2012

11

_PROFILE

A boy and his guitar
Kai Benson—music

Chet Broski and his rise from Rosedale to international fame. It only takes one song. BY CHAD KROEGER

Extemporaneous influences on the postcore movement
When asked how I feel about the gentrification of formerly analogous movements within what one might call a music “scene,” I’m often tempted to comment on the putrification and degeneration of modern modes of aural transportation. If this larceny of the soul continues into the future of the poststructural soundscape, one might consider music “over.” However, the geneaology of various acoustic reverences traces back along many different paths, the proverbial roads less taken, all of which have lead us to the contemporary...h,sjdhbds ,vdsuli;65

Woah. I blacked out there for a second. What was I talking about? Anyway, like I was saying, the orgasmic qualities of modern modes of contemporary soundmaking are a direct result of the previous predecessors which preceded them. As such, music becomes outdated and aurally vile as music which was based upon.. aerawrgv523BONIVORsdkgAKae

This writer’s head often collapses under the weight of his own horseshit. Please stand by.

How does that keep happening? I think I may have been forgetting to breathe as I fascinated you all with my rapier wit and luminescent analogizing. I think it’s a tragedy that more people can’t appreciate the four bands that I like, due to their inferior understanding of the concepts that drive music. All I wanted to do is inform the public. Now I’m blacking out mysteriously and frequently, possibly due to the strain my genius puts on my sadly human brain. Anyways, where was I? The pounding bass and soaring treble of current auditory artists is due to a carnivorous instinct brought upon by a Darwinian need to outpace the overadroit but undercompetitive pre-era tunesmiths. But the thing about that is that one could hardly blame the incandescence of their sonic wrath upon the very purveyors of sa.kjgn faerghjaerg godno soabgul;ag GER ERR DDWe f The Grud regrets to inform you that Kai had a freak keyboard accident while writing his column, and will no longer be able to submit material. Have a nice day.

At this point, we all just started beating him over the head with his own keyboard. We didn’t even talk about it. All of us just decided at once to smash his stupid face in.

The lights dim in the quiet auditorium. There’s a moment of quiet anticipation, and then the crowd erupts into cheers as Chet Broski takes center stage. Broski leans close to the mic, takes a deep breath, and says, “Hi everyone. I’m going to play some music tonight.” The crowd explodes. It wasn’t always this easy for Broski, though. Raised in Rosedale, Broski says he had difficulty breaking free of his impoverished roots. Broski says that, at one point, his family only owned three sports cars. “It was a really rough time,” he adds. “I remember when I turned 16, all we could afford was a Ferrari.” But, Broski says none of that mattered. “It wasn’t an easy childhood, but it was okay,” he says. “Because I had music.” Broski’s discovery of music stemmed from his older brother, Dude, who played at a level Broski says he one day hopes to emulate. “He could play four chords like it’s nobody’s business,” Broski says, smiling fondly at the memory. “Of course all that changed after the accident.” Tragically, when Broski was 15, his brother died in a freak grizzly bear attack. “It was really unexpected,” he says. “Normally there isn’t wildlife in Toronto.” Broski says his brother’s absence left a void in the family, and led him to eventually move downtown to pursue his musical career. Upon relocating downtown, Broski found himself unable to get work, and eventually sunk deep into depression. “I would wake up in the morning, and I would see my friends, and I wouldn’t even say, ‘bro,’” Broski says, his voice cracking audibly. “It was just a really difficult time.” It was around this time that Broski took up guitar again. He says he found solace in the familiar four chords that his brother taught him. “I just picked it up one day and started strumming,” he says. “And it was just magical. I realized that maybe this was my calling, so I started to really practice those four chords.” From there, Broski’s musical career took off. He started off playing in his dorm room, and gradually found himself moving on to local bars, which Broski says was a big step. But, in Broski’s opinion, the crowning triumph of his musical career was learning to play Oasis’ international hit Wonderwall. “It was just a really difficult piece,” Broski says. “It combined four basic chords in ways I had never imagined, and it really pushed my musical talents to the limits.”

At first, Broski says the act of playing guitar while singing was especially difficult, but eventually he would master not only that, but also tapping his foot to the beat. “The foot tapping was when I think I really hit my stride,” Broski says. “When

I realized I could do that, it hit me — I’d made it.” Broski adds that from here his career will likely continue to snowball towards booking mainstream venues. “Because after all,” he adds. “You’re my Wonderwall.”

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The Grud Recommends
The book of morons superhero porn parody The Snorlax a 3D pokeventure Vinyl cause CDs are too mainstream

March 21-March 27, 2012

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Timbits... They’re easier to pick up off the floor

Free screenings! Who the fuck has money?

What we’re listening to
“Pretentious Swill” by Scott Pioneer “No Money, No Problem” by Sheldon Heavy ft. Ke$ha “Something you’ve probably never heard of, it’s pretty obscure” by Helvetica “308 lb Man” by Ford & Grandsons “Hyped Beats” by The Weekends

Favourite movie animals by weight

Free Willy

Dumbo

Babe
_ BEST SEAT IN THE CLASS

Sheldon Heavy in da house
He’s the man with the master plan, and once again he’s taking the Toronto hip-hop community by storm. Sheldon Heavy, a.k.a. Shelly Shell, a.k.a. Big Man on Campus is following up his debut album “Straight Outta Jorgenson” with an even more controversial record simply called “Shellmatic” to be released next week. The record will include hit singles like, “M.L.G. on Lock,” and “License to Build,” as well as an all new remix of the 2008 classic “Enter the SLC Chamber” produced by Julia Damageberg. The remix features an all-new verse by Lil’ C-Nut from the Pitman Projects. Heavy says the inspiration behind “Shellmatic” came to him on a recent visit to his childhood neighbourhood in the Dufferin and Eglinton area, as well as from artists like Kate Voegele and Willie Nelson. “I was just another hoodrat tryin’ to beat the struggle. It’s a blessing how I gone and come up in the world,” he said. The 63-year-old emcee turned entrepreneur now rests his head in a 22-room mansion at Bayview and Davisville, once owned by the inventor of Keurig coffee machines. Lyrics like, “I’m from where the guns love to introduce theyself, reduce your health, little bulletproofs

Ratatouille Seth Rogen

get felt,” speak to the core of Heavy’s persona. It’s an attitude he takes with him into the boardroom while negotiating million-dollar real estate deals to expand Ryerson’s territory. “I am a straight up gangsta, sir. I don’t take nothing from no one, “said Heavy with his wingtips resting on the desk of his JOR 1307 office. “I do what I wanna do.” Since he took office in 2005, he’s acquired several key properties in Ryerson’s neighbourhood. Heavy has become so notorious on Ryerson’s Gould Street that most drivers are too afraid to pass through. His demolition of Sam the Record Man in 2008, a cherished Toronto landmark, came after the store refused to stock one of his records, citing excessively violent lyrical content. “Those bitches couldn’t handle the realness. They had to pay the price,” said Heavy. He plans to continue his so-called “Master Plan” to take over the Toronto scene by further building up his franchise and launching a clothing line this summer called P&G, after his two white tigers Poopy and Gibby. —Billy Hoesantriks

The saddest party pitch as explained in two circles
Project X Shawshank Redemption

Pitman Hall

THEGRUDTO.COM

March 21-March 27, 2012

13

film

The Lion King 3D
Starring the voices of that kid from Home Improvement, Ferris Bueller, Darth Vader and Mr. Bean. Based on the classic 1994 movie that was completely fine in 2D. 89 minutes. Opens in the chasm of your childhood. For those of you who were too anti-conformist to see The Lion King when it was first released in 1994, here is a basic plot outline. It is a tale of a young lion named Simba (Jonanthan Taylor Thomas) who is tricked by his lion uncle that he killed his own father. So, he spends some psychedelic time with his new friends before returning home to face his fate. In other words, yet another Disney movie about daddy issues. Now however, Disney is remaking a series of its “classics” in 3D. As if making a cartoon feature lengthfilm about Hamlet wasn’t mainstream enough. Despite this “blockbuster” being in “3D” the plot development was still kind of flat. I mean, I could see the ending coming. And that’s not even due to the fact that I saw it when it was still cool. I mean, before. It was just so predictable. I mean, come on. If they were going to do a “remake” at least up date it and make it more modern and futuristic. I would have loved to see a more gritty re boot, more underground you know? How about Pumbaa and Timon are drug dealers? Is that too risqué for you Disney? That’s what kids want nowadays. For example, there was this one seen where Simba and his love interest (although he hasn’t gone through puberty at this point, so he doesn’t know it yet) are going through a graveyard of elephant bones. BONES, hello phallic! Don’t beat around the bush (literally) just say it already. The cinematography is crippling, not being flat and desaturated and all. They totally should have remade it as a stop motion film with a Pentax Stopomatic 35mm camera. And all of these scenes at night could have totally had an instagram filter on it. The soundtrack was still sublime though. Elton John is a total genius. —Leon Kingston

PARKDALE PIONEER CLUB I, WEAKLY
Wut Records
It’s about time someone revived the garage rock genre. Ever since the Strokes got kind of weird and the White Stripes finally threw in the towel, the time is ripe for someone new to take the stage. Enter the Parkdale Pioneer Club. With their old-school progressions, rough and tumble vocals and scrappy good looks, it’s hard to believe we started the band in my garage just a month ago. The strength of the Parkdale Pioneer Club comes from the band’s diverse membership. When the band hits the stage at local hotspots like my nephew’s bar mitzvah, you’d never know those rockin’ dudes are 30-something accountants, substitute teachers and Game Stop employees by day. Our debut album, I, Weakly, is a lo-fi, garage-punk-baroque-jazz throwback with just a hint of metal reminiscent of after Cradle of Filth hit the scene but before Metallica released that Saint Anger crap. Lead singer has that bad boy charm a la Kurt Cobain, Bob Dylan or that Bieber kid my 12-year-old daughter loves. Guitarist Ted Yuppino has vastly improved since that band’s first EP produced last week on my 2009 MacBook — his repertoire has now moved up to six chords with the recent addition of the impressive A minor. After watching School of Rock a few times, Bassist Rick McPhailure has that squishy-faced scowl thing down pat. The pounding drumbeats come courtesy of rising star GarageBand. With tracks like “Fell In Love With An iPad” and “Fuck The PTA,” Parkdale Pioneer Club proves that starting a band that night you got drunk on Heineken and looked at high school yearbooks doesn’t mean you’re having a midlife crisis, no matter what my wife says. — Dale Clarkson

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14

March 21-March 27, 2012

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13565 Fashion Mgmt & Promotions - Campus Plus 1/30/12 4:13 PM Page 1

FASHION MANAGEMENT & PROMOTIONS
POSTGRADUATE CERTIFICATE
From retail management to logistics: this program offers the unique skills you will need to launch your career as a: • • • . Event Manager Logistics Coordinator Product Development Manager Visual Merchandiser

Student livin’

_OFF THE MARKET

Behind Toronto skyscrapers hide the city’s most student-friendly and unique houses. Here are some gems that have recently been listed. BY MURPHY McMURPHY
27 YUPPIE ST.

Rent price: $2000/ month The fat: This pristine little two bedroom house on a 15-by-90 foot lot has been on the market for just a day. It has a shag carpet, peeling paint and a newly renovated outhouse. The bedrooms are a reasonable size if you don’t mind living on top of your roommate.

WORKS.
business.humber.ca
12956 tech ad (4x7.5):Layout 1 12/23/10 6:09 PM Page 1

63 WOODSTOCK BLVD.

Rent price: $1500/ month The fat: This wonderful little one bedroom apartment is furnished with built in air conditioning. Granted, it’s a broken window, but it still works — especially in the winter. Feel right at home in your perfect little student apartment. And just in case you feel homesick, this apartment even has pets included! Don’t forget, they were there before you were, so be respectful.

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Rent price: $1000/ month The fat: Keep your eyes open because this wonderful little bachelor apartment is truly a catch. Comes equipped with a window and a latch on the front door. Don’t be afraid to throw a party because this apartment even comes with bottle service. The kind man down the street comes by every morning to pick up your empties. Your parents would be so proud.

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What’s your worst housing story?

Steve, 42, ECE I still live at home, so that’s pretty much the worst.

Ranjeet, 22, RTS I got kicked out of my own crack house for being a crackhead.

15

March 21-March 27, 2012
13574 Pathway Ad 4x7.5 2/3/12 3:25 PM Page 1

THEGRUDTO.COM

Jason & his Hand
THIS WEEK Jason is a 21-year-old engineering student who lives in Campus Commons. “I spend a lot of time in my room,” he says. “I don’t get out a lot.” Jason met his hand in class.
I was sitting in my fluid mechanics class, getting pretty bored with all of the note-taking, when I looked down at my keyboard and noticed her. She looked relaxed, in a really free spirited way, but I could tell she had a feisty side by the amount of cleavage she was showing between her middle and forefinger. I was instantly attracted. After class, I asked her if she wanted to go out for a drink. We were sitting at the Ram in the Rye, drinking a “Flaming Engineer.” It was a little awkward at first, neither of us knowing what to say, but the way she was light- she was doing. She’s definitely had some ly stroking her glass was turning me on. practice. We started talking about When we were finished I got physics, how much money we’d back to my homework, and she be making after graduation, and helped me out with it. I really about how neither of us were acliked having her around. cepted to Waterloo. She started The way her knuckles puckered to perk up with the conversawhile she was thinking was so Jason rates tion, and when we finished our endearing and her functions his date drinks I invited her back to my were beautifully accurate. Who (out of 10) place. would have guessed I could When we were finally alone find great sex and incredible we just went nuts on each other. She compatibility in an engineering class? went down on me and really knew what Not me. I’ll definitely be seeing her again.

_ DATING DIARIES

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Cate Farraday—Twentyish

My social life is too expensive, but I don’t want a part-time job
some lifestyle. As for keeping your bank account afloat, there are other options besides having to actually work for a living — Pfft. Your friends sound like assholes. And I bet they have nowhere near the amount of fun that you have. Don’t give in to their crap about “getting a job.” Are they happy with their jobs? I’d bet not. When it comes to saving money, you don’t seem to realize that saving and partying to the extent of a likely problem with alcoholism can coexist. It’s really quite simple. Show off a little cleavage, pass out some racy glances at a random number of guys around the bar, and watch the free drinks flow in. You may find yourself making out or blowing a few of them as a result of some healthy guilt. But don’t let that get you down. Now about the mess in your apartment — that sounds awful. But it also implies that your parents haven’t gotten you any cleaning staff yet. Do they even love you? You should really talk to them about that. If for some reason they can’t or won’t get you a maid, you can just throw out your dirty dishes and opt for paper plates and plastic cutlery. But be sure to buy the green-check brands — they’re better for the environment. My point is, it sounds like you’re living the dream and your friends are jealous. Part-time jobs are for poor and ugly people. Also, if you don’t already have one, you should get a smartphone. So get your free drink on, maybe catch a couple of STDs, and have some great stories to tell your future unplanned children. It’s all part of the party-girl lifestyle. Love it. Live it. Embrace it.

I’ve been doing a lot of partying lately and it’s really starting to affect my lifestyle. I mean, I love going out drinking, but my bank account is approaching empty. My working friends keep telling me I should get a job, but that would leave me less time to go out, and I’d have to schedule my life around my hours. Besides, I already have no time to clean my apartment. Whenever I wake up, I’m too hungover to deal with the mess. I haven’t done dishes in about three weeks. Imagine how bad it would be if I spent 15 hours weekly making money. — Stacey How have you solved your problems thus far? Drinking. And that’s what I suggest you do now. If you choose not to deal with your problems, then they aren’t technically problems, are they? More like minor inconveniences in your obviously awe-

business.humber.ca/pathways
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FROM HERE, GO ANYWHERE.
BACHELOR’S DEGREES GRADUATE CERTIFICATES PATHWAYS TO FURTHER EDUCATION

THIS SUMMER
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