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Highlights From

The Skeptic’s Annotated Bible

http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/
Introduction........................................................................................................3
Absurdity in the Bible.........................................................................................3
Injustice in the Bible.........................................................................................83
Cruelty and Violence in the Bible...................................................................160
Intolerance in the Bible...................................................................................211
Contradictions in the Bible.............................................................................249
Interpretations and Textual Problems............................................................266
Science and History in the Bible....................................................................292
Biblical Family Values....................................................................................318
Women in the Bible........................................................................................343
Prophecies, Promises, and Misquotes in the Bible.......................................367
Sex in the Bible..............................................................................................389
Language in the Bible....................................................................................405
Homosexuality in the Bible............................................................................423
Introduction
The following is completed indebted to the hard work of the folks at
http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/, and is presented here simply in a .doc
format.

Absurdity in the Bible
The LORD cast down great stones from heaven upon them ... and they died.--
Joshua 10:11

I find myself having to read for an hour or so before I can fall asleep. And
thanks to the Gideons, I've got good material. -- Mitt Romney, New York
Times, Oct. 16, 2007

Genesis

1. God creates light and separates light from darkness, and day from night,
on the first day. Yet he didn't make the light producing objects (the sun and the
stars) until the fourth day (1:14-19). 1:3-5

2. God spends one-sixth of his entire creative effort (the second day)
working on a solid firmament. This strange structure, which God calls heaven,
is intended to separate the higher waters from the lower waters. 1:6-8

3. Plants are made on the third day before there was a sun to drive their
photosynthetic processes (1:14-19). 1:11

4. In an apparent endorsement of astrology, God places the sun, moon, and
stars in the firmament so that they can be used "for signs". This, of course, is
exactly what astrologers do: read "the signs" in the Zodiac in an effort to
predict what will happen on Earth. 1:14

5. "He made the stars also." God spends a day making light (before making
the stars) and separating light from darkness; then, at the end of a hard day's
work, and almost as an afterthought, he makes the trillions of stars. 1:16

6. "And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the
earth." 1:17

7. God commands us to "be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth,
and subdue it: and have dominion over ... every living thing that moveth upon
the earth." 1:28
8. "I have given you every herb ... and every tree ... for meat." 1:29

9. Even God gets tired sometimes. 2:2

10. "The tree of life ... and the tree of knowledge of good and evil."
God created two magic trees: the tree of life and the tree of knowledge.
Eat from the the first, and you live forever (3:22); eat from the second and
you'll die the same day (2:17). (Or that's what God said, anyway. Adam ate
from the tree of knowledge and lived for another 930 years or so (5:5). But he
never got a change to eat from the tree of life. God prevented him from eating
from the tree of life before Adam could eat from the tree, become a god, and
live forever.) 2:9

11. God makes the animals and parades them before Adam to see if any
would strike his fancy. But none seem to have what it takes to please him.
(Although he was tempted to go for the sheep.) After making the animals, God
has Adam name them all. The naming of several million species must have
kept Adam busy for a while. 2:18-20

12. God's clever, talking serpent. 3:1

13. God walks and talks (to himself?) in the garden, and plays a little hide
and seek with Adam and Eve. 3:8-11

14. God curses the serpent. From now on the serpent will crawl on his belly
and eat dust. One wonders how he got around before -- by hopping on his tail,
perhaps? But snakes don't eat dust, do they? 3:14

15. God curses the ground and causes thorns and thistles to grow. 3:17-18

16. God kills some animals and makes some skin coats for Adam and Eve.
3:21

17. God expels Adam and Eve from the garden before they get a chance to
eat from that other tree -- the tree of life. God knows that if they do that, they
well become "like one of us" and live forever. 3:22-24

18. Cain is worried after killing Abel and says, "Every one who finds me shall
slay me." This is a strange concern since there were only two other humans
alive at the time -- his parents! 4:14

19. "And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD." 4:16

20. "And Cain knew his wife." That's nice, but where the hell did she come
from? 4:17

21. Lamech kills a man and claims that since Cain's murderer would be
punished sevenfold, whoever murders him will be punished seventy-seven
fold. That sounds fair. 4:23-24
22. "And to Seth ... was born a son." Where'd he find his wife? 4:26

23. God created a man and a woman, and he "called their name Adam." So
the woman's name was Adam, too! 5:2

24. The first men had incredibly long life spans. 5:5, 5:8, 5:11, 5:14, 5:17,
5:20, 5:23, 5:27, 5:31, 9:29

25. Enoch doesn't die he just ascends into heaven. 5:21-24

26. When Lamech was born, nine generations were alive at once. Adam,
Seth, Enos, Cainan, Mahalaleel, Jared, Enoch, Methuselah, and Lamech
were all alive at the time of Lamech's birth. Adam lived to see his great-great-
great-great-great-great-grandson. 5:25

27. When Noah was 500 years old, he had three sons.
[Three sons in one year? Was that with one (nameless) wife or several?]
5:32

28. The "sons of God" copulated with the "daughters of men," and had sons
who became "the mighty men of old, men of renown." 6:2-4

29. "The LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he
also is flesh."
God shortened the human lifespan to 120 years because humans are
"flesh" and he was tired of fighting with them. 6:3

30. "There were giants in the earth in those days." 6:4

31. God decides to kill all living things because the human imagination is
evil. Later (8:21), after he kills everything, he promises never to do it again
because the human imagination is evil. Go figure. 6:5

32. God repents. 6:6-7

33. Noah is called a "just man and perfect," but he didn't seem so perfect
when he was drunk and naked in front of his sons (9:20-21). 6:9, 7:1

34. God was angry because "the earth was filled with violence." So he killed
every living thing to make the world less violent. 6:11-13

35. Noah is told to make an ark that is 450 feet long. 6:14-15

36. God tells Noah to make one small window (18 inches square) in the 450
foot ark for ventilation. 6:16

37. "And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten ... for thee, and for
them." 6:21
38. Whether by twos or by sevens, Noah takes male and female
representatives from each species of "every thing that creepeth upon the
earth." 7:8

39. God opens the "windows of heaven." He does this every time it rains.
7:11

40. All of the animals boarded the ark "in the selfsame day." 7:13-14

41. "The windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was
restrained." This happens whenever it stops raining. 8:2

42. Noah sends a dove out to see if there was any dry land. But the dove
returns without finding any. Then, just seven days later, the dove goes out
again and returns with an olive leaf. But how could an olive tree survive the
flood? And if any seeds happened to survive, they certainly wouldn't
germinate and grow leaves within a seven day period. 8:8-11

43. Noah kills the "clean beasts" and burns their dead bodies for God.
According to 7:8 this would have caused the extinction of all "clean" animals
since only two of each were taken onto the ark. "And the Lord smelled a
sweet savor." After this God "said in his heart" that he'd never do it again
because "man's heart is evil from his youth." So God killed all living things
(6:5) because humans are evil, and then promises not to do it again (8:21)
because humans are evil. The mind of God is a frightening thing. 8:20-21

44. According to this verse, all animals fear humans. Although it is true that
many do, it is also true that some do not. Sharks and grizzly bears, for
example, are generally much less afraid of us than we are of them. 9:2

45. "Into your hand are they (the animals) delivered." God gave the animals
to humans, and they can do whatever they please with them. This verse has
been used by bible believers to justify all kinds of cruelty to animals and
environmental destruction. 9:2

46. God is rightly filled with remorse for having killed his creatures. He
makes a deal with the animals, promising never to drown them all again. He
even puts the rainbow in the sky so that whenever he sees it, it will remind
him of his promise so that he won't be tempted to do it again. (Every time God
sees the rainbow he says to himself: "Oh, yeah.... That's right. I promised not
to drown the animals again. I guess I'll have to find something else to do.").
9:9-13

47. Noah, the drunk and naked. 9:20-21

48. The entire tenth chapter is the first of many boring genealogies (see 1
Chr.1-9, Mt.1:1-17, Lk.3:23-28 for other examples) that we are told to avoid in
1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9 ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.") 10:1-32
49. God worries that the people will succeed in building a tower high enough
to reach him (them?) in heaven, and that by so doing they will become
omnipotent. 11:4-6

50. God says, "Let us go down ..." Maybe he hasn't been talking to himself;
maybe there is more than one of them up there. Well, however many there
may be, they all decide to come down to confuse the builders by confounding
human language and scattering them [humans] abroad. 11:7

51. Another boring genealogy that we are told to avoid in 1 Tim.1:4 and
Tit.3:9. ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.") Also note the ridiculously
long lives of the patriarchs. 11:10-32

52. The Amalekites were smitten before Amalek (from whom they
descended) was born. Amalek was the grandson of Esau (Gen.36:12). 14:7

53. Abraham laughs at God for telling him that he and Sarah will have a
child, when they are 100 and 90 years old, respectively. 17:17

54. Abraham circumcises himself and all of the males in his household.
Since he supposedly had 318 slaves back in 14:14, poor old Abe must have
been pretty busy with his knife. But it was worth it. Penises are supremely
important to God. And he can't stand foreskins. 17:23-24

55. Abraham feeds God and three angels. 18:1-4

56. Sarah, who is about 90 years old and has gone through menopause,
laughs at God when he tells her that she will have a son. She asks God if she
will "have pleasure" with her "Lord" [Abraham], when both are so very old.
God assures her that he will return and impregnate her at the appointed time.
18:11-14

57. God, who is planning another mass murder, is worried that Abraham
might try to stop him. so he asks himself if he should hide his intentions from
Abraham. 18:17

58. "And the Lord went his way." Now where might that be? 18:33

59. The two angels that visit Lot wash their feet, eat, and are sexually
irresistible to Sodomites. 19:1-5

60. Lot [the just and righteous (2 Pet.2:7-8)] offers his daughters to a crowd
of angel rapers. 19:8

61. Lot lied about his daughters being "virgins" in 19:8. But it was a "just and
righteous" lie, intended to make them more attractive to the sex-crazed mob.
19:14

62. Lot's nameless wife looks back, and God turns her into a pillar of salt.
19:26
63. Lot and his daughters camp out in a cave for a while. The daughters get
their "just and righteous" father drunk, and have sexual intercourse with him,
and each conceives and bears a son (wouldn't you know it!). Just another
wholesome family values Bible story. 19:30-38

64. Honest Abe does the same "she's my sister" routine again, for the same
cowardly reason. And once again, the king just couldn't resist Sarah -- even
though by now she is over 90 years old. (See Gen.12:13-20 for the first,
nearly identical, episode.) 20:2

65. "The Lord visited Sarah" and he "did unto Sarah as he had spoken." And
"Sarah conceived and bare Abraham a son." (God-assisted conceptions never
result in daughters.) 21:1-2

66. These verses suggest that Ishmael was an infant when his father
abandoned him, yet according to Gen.17:25 and Gen.21:5-8 he must have
been about 16 years old. It must have been tough for poor Hagar to carry
Ishmael on her shoulder and to then "cast him under one of the shrubs."
21:14-18

67. Abraham names the place where he nearly kills Isaac after Jehovah. But
according to Ex.6:3, Abraham couldn't have known that God's name was
Jehovah. 22:14

68. God swears to himself. 22:16

69. Abraham needed God's help to father Isaac when he was 100 years old
(Gen.21:1-2, Rom.4:19, Heb.11:12). But here, when he is even older, he
manages to have six more children without any help from God. 25:2

70. Abraham lived to be 175 years old. 25:7

71. Ishmael lived 137 years. 25:17

72. "She was barren."
In the Bible it's always the woman that are "barren", never the men. And
when God "opens their womb," the resulting babies are always little boys.
25:21-26

73. Esau and Jacob were already fighting each other in the womb. 25:22

74. Esau sold his birthright to Jacob for a bit of bread and a bowl of lentil
soup. 25:33-34

75. Isaac uses the same "she's my sister" lie that his father used so
effectively on the same king Abimelech. (see Gen.12:13, 20:2). 26:7
76. Jacob names Bethel for the first time, before meeting Rachel. Later in
35:15, just before Rachel dies, he names Bethel again. (And it was called
Bethel long before it was named Bethel in 12:8 and 13:3.) 28:19

77. Jacob is tricked by Laban, the father of Rachel and Leah. Jacob asks for
Rachel so that he can "go in unto her." But Laban gives him Leah instead, and
Jacob "went in unto her [Leah]" by mistake. Jacob was fooled until morning --
apparently he didn't know who he was going in unto. Finally they worked
things out and Jacob got to "go in unto" Rachel, too. 29:21-30

78. Jacob goes in unto Leah by mistake. 29:23, 25

79. "And Jacob went in unto her. And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a
son." (These arrangements never seem to produce daughters.) 30:4

80. Leah, not to be outdone, gives Jacob her maid (Zilpah) "to wife." And
Zilpah "bare Jacob a son." 30:9

81. Rachel trades her husband's favors for some mandrakes. And so, when
Jacob cam home, Leah said: "Thou must come in unto me, for surely I have
hired thee with my son's mandrakes. And he lay with her that night."
Presumably God, by telling us this edifying story, is teaching us something
about sexual ethics. 30:15-16

82. And finally, "God remembered Rachel ... and opened her womb. And she
conceived and bare a son [surprise, surprise]." 30:22

83. Laban learns "by experience" that God has blessed him for Jacob's sake.
"By experience" means "by divination", at least that is how most other
versions translate this verse. 30:27

84. Jacob displays his (and God's) knowledge of biology by having goats
copulate while looking at streaked rods. The result is streaked baby goats.
30:37-39

85. God (or an angel) praises Jacob for his fancy genetic work in Gen.30:37-
39. 31:11-12

86. Jacob wrestles with god and wins. God changes Jacob's name to Israel
to signify that he wrestled with God and "prevailed." 32:24-30

87. Unable to beat Jacob in a fair fight, God dislocates Jacob's leg. 32:25

88. God begs Jacobs to let him go, but Jacob says, "Not unless you bless
me." So God blessed Jacob and Jacob let God go. 32:26-29

89. "What is thy name?" (God didn't know Jacob's name.) 32:27
90. God renames Jacob for the first time. God says that Jacob will
henceforth be called Israel, but the Bible continues to call him Jacob anyway.
And even God himself calls him Jacob in 46:2. 32:28

91. "Tell me, I pray thee, thy name."
God refuses to tell Jacob his name. (It's a secret.) 32:29

92. "Therefore the children of Israel eat not of the sinew ...."
Jews don't eat the sinew of something or other because God messed with
Jacob's leg while wrestling with him. (Now that's a good reason!) 32:32

93. God renames Jacob a second time. 35:10

94. Jacob names Bethel again. The first time 28:19 the name didn't stick.
35:15

95. Isaac lives to be 180. 35:28

96. Chapter 36 presents another boring genealogy that we are told to avoid
in 1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9 ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.") 36:1-43

97. Amalek was born many years after his descendants were "smitten."
(Gen.14:7) 36:12

98. Tamar (the widow of Er and Onan, who were killed by God) dresses up
as a prostitute and Judah (her father-in-law) propositions her, saying: "Let me
come in unto thee .... And he ... came in unto her, and she conceived by him."
From this incestuous union, twins (38:27-28) were born (both were boys of
course). One of these was Pharez -- an ancestor of Jesus (Lk.3:33). 38:13-18

99. Joseph and his magic divining cup. 44:5, 15

100. Jacob lives to be 147. 47:28

101. "He washed his garments in wine ... His eyes shall be red with wine."
Did Judah really wash his clothes in wine? Were his eyes bloodshot from
drinking too much? Or is this a prophecy of Jesus? (I didn't know Jesus had a
drinking problem.) 49:11-12

Exodus

102. The Israelite population went from 70 (or 75) to several million in a few
hundred years. 1:5,7, 12:37, 38:26

103. The birth story of Moses is suspiciously similar to that of the birth of
Sargon, an Akkadian monarch from the 3rd millennium BCE. (BBC: The tale
of the basket) 2:3

104. God, disguised as a burning bush, has a long heart-to-heart talk with
Moses. 3:4 - 4:17
105. God shows Moses some tricks that he says are sure to impress. First,
throw your rod on the ground; it will become a snake. Then grab the snake by
the tail and it will become a rod again. Next, make your hand appear leprous,
and then cure it. And finally, pour water on the ground and it will turn into
blood. (That ought to do it!) 4:2-9

106. God decides to kill Moses because his son had not yet been
circumcised. Luckily for Moses, his Egyptian wife Zipporah "took a sharp
stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said,
Surely a bloody husband art thou to me. So he [God] let him go." This story
shows the importance of penises to God, and his hatred of foreskins. 4:24-26

107. God says that Abraham didn't know that his name was Jehovah. Yet in
Gen.22:14 Abraham names the place where he nearly kills Isaac after God's
name, Jehovah. 6:3

108. Lehi, Kohath, and Amram join the long list of biblical characters with
ridiculously long lives (137, 133, and 137 years, respectively). 6:16, 18, 20

109. In complaining about his difficulty with public speaking, Moses says,
"Behold I am of uncircumcised lips." 6:12, 6:30

110. God tells Moses and Aaron that when Pharaoh asks for a miracle just
throw your rod down and it will become a serpent. So when the time comes,
Moses throws down his rod and it becomes a serpent. But the Egyptian
magicians duplicate this trick. Luckily, for Aaron, his snake swallows theirs.
(Whew!) 7:9-13

111. After the rod to serpent trick, God tells Moses and Aaron to smite the
river and turn it into blood. This is the first of the famous 10 plagues of Egypt.
Unfortunately, the magicians know this trick too, and they do so with their
enchantments. Shucks! Just how the river could be turned to blood by the
Egyptian sorcerers after it had been turned to blood by Moses and Aaron is
not explained. 7:17-24

112. The second plague is frogs. Frogs covered the land. They were all over
the beds and filled the ovens. But the Egyptian magicians did this trick too.
(Did they wait until the frogs cleared out from the last performance before
doing it again?) After the frog making contest was declared a draw, all the
frogs died and "they gathered them together upon heaps; and the land stank."
I bet. But at least it was all for the greater glory of God. 8:2-7

113. Plague #3 is lice in man and beast. This is the first trick that the
magicians couldn't do. After this the magicians were convinced that Moses
and Aaron's plagues were done by "the finger of God," and they gave up
trying to match the remaining seven plagues. I guess lice are harder to make
than frogs. 8:17-19
114. The fourth plague is swarms of flies, continuing the frogs and lice theme.
8:21

115. The fifth plague: all cattle in Egypt die. 9:6
But a little later (9:19-20, 12:29), God kills them again a couple more
times.

116. The sixth plague: boils and blains upon man and beast.9:9-12

117. Why does God send plagues? So that people can get to know him
better. 9:14

118. The seventh plague is hail. "And the hail smote throughout the land of
Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast." 9:22-25

119. Eighth plague: locusts that are so thick that they "covered the face of the
whole earth." (Even over Antarctica?) 10:4-5

120. Ninth plague: three days of darkness. The darkness was so this that the
Egyptians couldn't even see each other. But the darkness knew how to avoid
the Israelites, and so "all the children of Israel had light in their dwellings."
10:21-23

121. God tells the Israelites to smear some blood on their doors. That way
when he's going around killing Egyptian children, he'll remember not to kill
their children too. He probably said to himself when he saw the blood, "Oh
yeah, I remember now. I not supposed to kill the children in this house." 12:7,
13

122. The Egyptians chased after the Israelites with "all Pharaoh's horses."
But according to Ex.9:3-6

123. God travels in a cloud by day and a fire by night. 13:21 there wouldn't
have been any horses, since God killed them all in "a very grievous murrain."
14:23

124. God removes the wheels from the Egyptians' chariots. 14:25

125. God divided the sea with a "blast of [his] nostrils." 15:8

126. If you do what God says, he won't send his diseases on you (like he did
to the Egyptians). But otherwise.... 15:26

127. Moses casts a tree into the water and makes the bitter water taste
sweet. 15:25

128. It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a
journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 16:35
129. God stands on a rock and tells Moses to hit the rock. Then water comes
out of it for the people to drink. God's such a clever guy! 17:6

130. As long as Moses the magician keeps his hand up, the Israelites are
successful in battle, but the second his hand falls, they start getting beat. So
when Moses' arm gets tired, Aaron props it up so that the Amalekites get
slaughtered. 17:11-12

131. "The Lord has sworn [God swears!] that the Lord will have war with
Amalek from generation to generation." So God is still fighting Amalek. I hope
Moses can still keep his hand up. 17:14-16

132. Like the great and powerful Wizard of Oz, nobody can see God and live.
19:21

133. God tells the priests not to go up the steps to the altar "that thy
nakedness not be discovered thereon." (Skirts on stairs are a problem.) 20:26

134. If an ox gores someone, "then the ox shall surely be stoned." 21:28

135. If an ox gores someone due to the negligence of its owner, then "the ox
shall be stoned, and his owner shall be put to death.". 21:29

136. "Thou shalt not seethe a kid in a kid in his mother's milk." 23:19

137. God has hornets that bite and kill people.23:27-28

138. God has feet.24:10

139. Six chapters are wasted on divine instructions for making tables,
candlesticks, snuffers, etc. 25 - 30

140. God decrees that priestly garments, girdles, and bonnets shall be made
"for glory and beauty." 28:2, 20, 40

141. God's magical Urim and Thummim 28:30

142. Aaron must wear a bell whenever he enters "the holy place" or God will
kill him. 28:34-35

143. God gives instructions for making priestly breeches. "And thou shalt
make them linen breeches to cover their nakedness; from the loins even unto
the thighs shall they reach." 28:42

144. Priest must wear holy breeches or die!
"They shall be upon Aaron, and upon his sons, when they come in unto
the tabernacle ... or ... die." 28:43

145. God instructs the priests to burn the dung of bullocks outside the camp
as a sin offering. 29:14
146. God tells Moses to kill a ram and put the blood on the tip of Aaron's right
ear, and on his right thumb, and on his right big toe, and then sprinkle the
blood around the altar. Finally, sprinkle some on Aaron and his sons and on
their garments. This will make them "hallowed." 29:20-21

147. God tells Aaron and his sons to take the rump, fat, caul, kidneys, and
right shoulder of the ram and add a loaf of bread or two, and a wafer of
unleavened bread. Then they put the whole mess in the hands of Aaron and
his sons and they wave them before the Lord. This is a wave offering. 29:22-
24

148. Wash up or die. This is a good verse to use when reminding the kiddies
to wash their hands before supper. 30:20

149. Whoever puts holy oil on a stranger shall be "cut off from his people."
30:33

150. And whoever uses God's favorite perfume will be exiled. 30:37-38

151. God's finger. 31:18

152. Aaron makes a golden calf and tells the people to take off their clothes
and dance around naked. God then punishes them mercilessly for following
their divinely appointed religious leader. Ex.32:1-35

153. Moses talks God out of killing all the Israelites. 32:11-13

154. "And the Lord repented of the evil which he though to do unto his
people." But how could a good God even consider doing evil to anyone?
32:14

155. Aaron makes the people take off all their clothes and dance naked
around his golden calf. 32:25

156. Although God is too shy to let Moses see his face, he does permit a
peek at his "back parts." (The divine mooning) 33:23

157. God's name is Jealous. 34:14

158. One of the commandments of God is "Thou shalt not seeth a kid in its
mother's milk." 34:26

159. Moses goes without food or water for 40 days and 40 nights. 34:28

160. After meeting God on mount Sinai, Moses had to cover his face with a
veil to avoid frightening the Israelites. 34:30-35

Leviticus
161. God gives detailed instructions for performing ritualistic animal
sacrifices. such bloody rituals must be important to God, judging from the
number of times that he repeats their instructions. Indeed the entire first nine
chapters of Leviticus can be summarized as follows: Get an animal, kill it,
sprinkle the blood around, cut the dead animal into pieces, and burn it for a
"sweet savor unto the Lord." Chapters 1 - 9

162. "For a sweet savour unto the Lord." 1:17, 2:2, 2:9, 2:12, 3:5, 3:16, 6:15,
6:21

163. "It is a thing most holy of the offerings of the LORD made by fire." 2:10

164. When you are making your animal sacrifices, be sure to remember that
"all the fat is the Lord's." God loves blood and guts, but most especially fat.
And he doesn't like to share! 3:16

165. "If a soul shall sin through ignorance...." But how can someone "sin
through ignorance?" Don't your have to at least know that an act is wrong
before it can be sinful? 4:2, 13, 22, 27

166. "The priest shall dip his finger in the blood and sprinkle the blood seven
times before the Lord." 4:6, 4:17

167. If you touch any unclean thing (like a dead cow or a bug) or the
"uncleanness of man" (?), then you'll be both unclean and guilty. 5:2-3

168. "If a soul ... sin through ignorance...." 5:15, 17

169. Whatever touches the dead body of a burnt offering becomes holy. 6:25-
27

170. Be careful what you eat during these animal sacrifices. Don't eat fat or
blood -- these are for God. (And he doesn't like to share!) 7:18-27

171. God gives instructions for "wave offerings" and "heave offerings." He
says these offerings are to be made perpetually "by a statute for ever." Have
you made your heave offering today? 7:30-36

172. Moses dresses up his brother Aaron with "the curious girdle of the
ephod." 8:7-8

173. God's magical Urim and Thummim 8:8

174. Moses does it all for God. First he kills an animal; wipes the blood on
Aaron's ears, thumbs, and big toes. Then he sprinkles blood round about and
waves the guts before the Lord. Finally he burns the whole mess for "a sweet
savour before the Lord." 8:14-32
175. Kill the calf, dip your finger in the blood, sprinkle the blood round about,
burn the fat and entrails, and wave the breast for a wave offering before the
Lord. 9:8-21

176. God sent a fire to burn the dead animals and all the people "shouted
and fell on their faces." 9:24

177. God commands the Israelites to keep doing these wave and heave
offerings "by a statute forever." 10:15

178. Clams, oysters, crabs, lobsters, and shrimp are abominations to God.
11:10-12

179. Four-legged fowls are abominations. 11:20

180. Be sure to watch out for those "other flying creeping things which have
four feet." (I wish God wouldn't get so technical!) I guess he must mean four-
legged insects. You'd think that since God made the insects, and so many of
them (at least several million species), that he would know how many legs
they have! 11:23

181. Don't touch any dead creeping things. 11:31

182. If your hair has fallen out, you are bald, yet clean. And if your hair falls
out from the part of your head toward your face, you are forehead bald, yet
clean. 13:40-41

183. "The swine ... is unclean to you. Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their
carcase shall ye not touch." 11:7-8

184. "Every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth shall be an
abomination." 11:41

185. "Whatsoever goeth upon the belly, and whatsoever goeth upon all four,
or whatsoever hath more feet ... are an abomination." 11:42

186. "Ye shall not make yourselves abominable with any creeping thing that
creepeth." 11:43

187. God's law for lepers: Get two birds. Kill one. Dip the live bird in the blood
of the dead one. Sprinkle the blood on the leper seven times, and then let the
blood-soaked bird fly off. Next find a lamb and kill it. Wipe some of its blood
on the patient's right ear, thumb, and big toe. Sprinkle seven times with oil and
wipe some of the oil on his right ear, thumb and big toe. Repeat. Finally kill a
couple doves and offer one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering.
14:2-52

188. Long, tiresome, and disgusting instructions regarding the treatment of
men who have a "running issue" out of their "flesh." Very enlightening. "And if
he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean ..." 15:2-15
189. This passage tells you what to do if you get your "seed of copulation" on
yourself, your clothes, or your partner. Thank God this is in the Bible. 15:16-
18, 32

190. God explains the use of scapegoats. It goes like this: Get two goats. Kill
one. Wipe, smear, and sprinkle the blood around seven times. Then take the
other goat, give it the sins of all the people, and send it off into the wilderness.
16:6-28

191. Sprinkle the blood and burn the fat for a sweet savour unto the Lord.
17:6

192. Don't "uncover the nakedness" of any of your relatives or neighbors.
Just ask them to keep their clothes on while you are around. 18:6-18, 20

193. "Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness,
as long as she is apart for her uncleanness," Don't even look at a
menstruating woman. 18:19

194. "Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not
sow thy field with a mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and
woolen come upon thee." 19:19

195. God tells the Israelites that the fruit from fruit trees is "uncircumcised" for
three years after the trees are planted. 19:23

196. Don't eat anything with blood, don't round the corners of your head, mar
the corners of your beard, make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, or
print any marks on you. 19:26-28

197. Stay away from wizards and people with familiar spirits. 19:31

198. If you "lie" with your wife and your mother-in-law (now that sounds fun!),
then all three of your must be burned to death. 20:14

199. Priests must not "make baldness upon their head, neither shall they
shave off the corner of their beard." 21:5

200. The high priest shall not "go in to any dead body, nor defile himself for
his father, or for his mother." 21:11

201. Handicapped people cannot approach the altar of God. They would
"profane" it. 21:16-23

202. Anyone with a "flat nose, or any thing superfluous" must stay away from
the altar of God. 21:18

203. A man with damaged testicles must not "come nigh to offer the bread of
his God." 21:20
204. A man who is unclean, or is a leper, or has a "running issue", or "whose
seed goeth from him", or who touches any dead or "creeping thing" ... "shall
not eat of the holy things, until he be clean." 22:3-5

205. God gives us more instructions on killing and burning animals. I guess
the first nine chapters of Leviticus wasn't enough. He says we must do this
because he really likes the smell -- it is "a sweet savour unto the Lord." 23:12-
14, 18

206. God will make it so that 100 Israelites can defeat an army of 10,000.
26:8

207. God describes the torments that he has planned for those who
displease him. The usual stuff: plagues, burning fevers that will consume the
eyes, etc. but he reserves the worst for the little children. He says "ye shall
sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it," "I will send wild beasts
among you, which shall rob you of your children," and "ye shall eat the flesh of
your sons and daughters." But if you humble your uncircumcised heart, God
won't do all these nasty things to you. It's your choice. 26:16-41

Numbers

208. The Israelite population went from seventy (Ex.1:5) to several million
(over 600,000 adult males) in 400 years. 1:45-46, 26:51

209. The Law of Jealousies. If a man suspects his wife of being unfaithful, he
reports it to the priest. The priest then makes her drink some "bitter water." If
she is guilty, the water makes her thigh rot and her belly swell. If innocent, no
harm done -- the woman is free and will "conceive seed." In any case, "the
man shall be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity."
5:11-31

210. "And when the people complained, it displeased the Lord: and the Lord
heard it." (He had his hearing aid on.) He then burned the complainers alive.
That'll teach them. 11:1

211. The people begin to whine about not having any meat. So God says he'll
give them meat, alright. He'll give them "flesh to eat," not for just a few days,
but "for a whole month, until it come out of [their] nostrils, and it be loathsome
to [them]." Yuck. 11:4, 19-20

212. "As a nursing father beareth the suckling child...." 11:12

213. God promises to give them "flesh to eat," not for just a few days, but "for
a whole month, until it come out of your nostrils, and it be loathsome to you."
Yuck. 11:20

214. God sends quails to feed his people until they were "two cubits [about a
meter] high upon the face of the earth." Taking the "face of the earth" to be a
circle with a radius of say 30 kilometers (an approximate day's journey), this
would amount to 3 trillion (3x1012) liters of quails. At 2 quails per liter, this
would provide a couple million quails for each of several million people. 11:31

215. "Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were
upon the face of the earth." This is a strange way to describe on of the
cruelest men to have ever lived (If he ever did live, which he probably didn't).
Moses, as he is described in the Bible, is anything but meek (See Num.31:14-
18 for an example of his "meekness"). 12:3

216. "If there be a prophet among you, I the LORD will ... speak unto him in a
dream." Now there's a reliable way to communicate with someone! 12:6

217. "And the Lord said unto Moses, If her father had but spit in her face,
should she not be ashamed seven days? 12:14

218. "And there we saw the giants ... And we were in our own sight as
grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight." This statement may have been
figurative, hyperbole, typical biblical exaggeration, or an actual description of
the sons of Anak, in which case they must have been about 100 meters tall.
These are the same giants (the Nephilium) that resulted when the "sons of
God" mated with "the daughters of men in Gen.6:4 Of course, these
superhuman god-men should have been destroyed in the flood. So what are
they doing still alive? 13:33

219. It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a
journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 14:33,
32:13

220. God gives more instructions for the ritualistic killing of animals. The
smell of burning flesh is "a sweet savour unto the Lord." 15:3, 13-14, 24

221. "If any soul sin through ignorance ..." but how can someone sin through
ignorance? Don't you have to know that an action is wrong for it to be sinful?
Oh well, if you do happen to sin through ignorance, you can be forgiven by
God if you kill some animals. 15:27-30

222. Immediately after ordering the execution of the sabbath breaker, God
gets down to some more important business -- like instructing the people on
how to make fringes on their garments. 15:38-39

223. Aaron is getting better at his magic tricks. He has rod bud, bloom, and
yield almonds. 17:8

224. Stay away from holy things and places -- like churches. God might have
to kill you if you get too close.18:3, 22, 32

225. God describes once again the procedure for ritualistic animal sacrifices.
such rituals must be extremely important to God, since he makes their
performance a "statute" and "covenant" forever. Why, then don't Bible-
believers perform these sacrifices anymore? Don't they realize how God must
miss the "sweet savour" of burning flesh? Don't they believe God when he
says "forever"? 18:17-19

226. The purification of the unclean. These absurd rituals, cruel sacrifices,
and unjust punishments are vitally important to God. They are to be "a
perpetual statute" for all humankind. 19:1-22

227. The Red Heifer. Some fundamentalists believe that when a red heifer is
born, Armageddon will soon follow. Well, a red heifer was born in March 2002
and has been declared ritually acceptable by the rabbis. So in a few years it
can be sacrificed, ushering in, so they say, the end of the world. You can read
all about it here in the National Review. 19:2

228. God give instructions for burning the "dung" of sacrificial animals. This is
something that everyone needs to know about (that's why it's in the Bible!).
19:5

229. Moses is punished for hitting the rock with his staff (like he did before in
Ex.17:6) to get water, rather than just speaking to the rock (as God asked him
to do this time). For messing up the magic trick, Moses will never get to the
promised land. 20:8-12

230. Moses hits a rock with his rod and Presto! -- water comes out. 20:11

231. God sends "fiery serpents" to bite his chosen people, and many of them
die. 21:6

232. To save the people from God's snakes, Moses makes a graven image in
the form of a snake (breaking the second commandment) and puts it on a
pole. Those who look at Moses' magic snake to not die -- even if they were
previously bit by God's snakes. 21:8

233. "The Book of the wars of the Lord"
(One of the lost books of the Bible) 21:14

234. "And the ass saw the angel of the LORD." 22:23

235. God asks Balaam the non-rhetorical question, "What men are these with
thee?" 22:9

236. God says to Balaam, "If men come to call thee, rise up, and go with
them." Men come, and Balaam goes with them, just as cog had commanded."
And God's anger was kindled because he went" -- but he was just following
God's instructions! 22:20-22

237. Balaam has a nice little chat with his ass. 22:28-30

238. God meets Balaam and "put a word in his mouth." 23:15-16
239. God has "the strength of a unicorn." Oh heck, I bet he's even stronger
than a unicorn. 23:22

240. Balaam says "his king shall be higher than Agag." But Balaam couldn't
have known about Agag since Agag didn't live until the time of King Saul. (See
1Sam.15:33 where Samuel hacks king Agag into pieces.) 24:7

241. God, who is as strong as a unicorn, will eat up the nations, break their
bones, and then pierce them through with his arrows. What a guy! 24:8

242. God's magical Urim and Thummim 27:21

243. In these chapters, God provides ridiculously detailed instructions for the
ritualistic sacrifice of animals. The burning of their dead bodies smells great to
God. Eleven times in these two chapters God says that they are to him a
"sweet savour." 28-29

Deuteronomy

244. It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a
journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 2:7, 8:2,
29:5

245. God gave the Moabites and the Ammonites special protection since they
were the descendents of Lot's drunken, incestuous affair with his daughters
(Gen.19:30-38). 2:9, 19

246. "A land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time." (They must have been
much more common back then.) 2:10-11, 20-21

247. Og, the king of the giants, was a tall man, even by NBA standards. His
bed measured 9 by 4 cubits (13.5 feet long and 6 feet wide). 3:11

248. When going to war, don't be afraid. God is on your side; "he shall fight
for you." 3:22

249. "Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you neither shall ye
diminish ought from it." This verse is one of those that prevent Bible-believers
from cleaning up the Bible. So they're stuck with the unedited version. 4:2

250. God's favorite people will never be infertile (neither will their cows!) and
will never get sick. (God will send infertility and diseases on the other guys.)
7:14-15

251. God will send hornets to kill your enemies, "for the Lord thy God is
among you, a mighty God and terrible." 7:20-23

252. God makes people wealthy (or poor). 8:17-18
253. Here is some good advice from God: "Circumcise the foreskin of your
heart." 10:16

254. After God instructs the Israelites to mercilessly slaughter all the
strangers that they encounter (Dt.7:2, 16), he tells them to "love ye therefore
the stranger: for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt." 10:19

255. God says that we shouldn't add to, or take away from, any of his
commands. Why then don't modern Bible-believers stone to death
blasphemers, Sabbath breakers, and disobedient sons? 12:32

256. Don't "make any baldness between your eyes for the dead." 14:1

257. This verse mistakenly says that the hare chews its cud. 14:7-8

258. Don't eat any seafood unless it has fins and scales. Oysters, clams,
crabs, and lobsters are "unclean" and shouldn't be eaten. 14:10

259. To the biblical God, a bat is just an another unclean bird. 14:11, 18

260. Don't eat any dead animals that you find lying around. But it's okay to
give it to strangers or sell it to foreigners. And don't boil a kid (young goat) is
its mother's milk. 14:21

261. Don't sacrifice any animal with a blemish to God -- he is very picky! 17:1

262. God travels with people and fights in their wars. 20:4

263. If you find a dead body and don't know the cause of death, then get all
the elders together, cut off the head of a heifer, wash your hands over its
body, and say our hands have not shed this blood. (That'll do it!) 21:1-8

264. Hang on trees the bodies of those who are "accursed of God." They
make nice decorations. 21:22

265. Women are not to wear men's clothing -- it's an "abomination unto the
Lord." 22:5

266. "Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together" or wear wool and
linen together in the same garment. But "thou shalt make thee fringes upon
the four quarters of thy vesture." 22:10-12

267. You can't go to church if your testicles are damaged or your penis has
been cut off. 23:1

268. God won't let bastards attend church. Neither can the sons or daughters
of bastards "even to the tenth generation." So if you plan to attend church
next Sunday be ready to prove that your genitals are intact and don't forget
your birth certificate and genealogical records for at least the last ten
generations. Don't laugh. This stuff is important to God. 23:2
269. God gives us instructions for defecating. He says to carefully cover up
all feces "for the Lord walketh in the midst of thy camp." (You wouldn't want
the divine foot to step in your shit, would you?) 23:12-14

270. Remarrying your former wife after divorcing her is an abomination to the
Lord. 24:4

271. If a man dies without having a child, his brother shall "go in unto" his
dead brother's wife. If he refuses, the dead man's wife is to loosen his shoe
and spit in his face. 25:5-10

272. If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the other,
"then thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thy eye shall not pity her." 25:11-12

273. Cursed be the man that maketh any graven image. 27:15

274. "Cursed be he that lieth with his father's wife, because he uncovereth
his father's skirt." 27:20

275. "Cursed be he that lieth with any manner of beast: and all the people
shall say, Amen." 27:21

276. "Cursed be he that lieth with his sister ... And all the people shall say,
Amen." 27:22

277. "Cursed be he that lieth with his mother in law: and all the people shall
say, Amen." 27:23

278. "Cursed be he that confirmeth not all the words of this law." 27:26

279. "Cursed shalt thou be in the city, and cursed shalt thou be in the field." I
guess you'll be cursed just about wherever you go. 28:16

280. "Cursed shalt thou be when thou comest in, and cursed shalt thou be
when thou goest out." 28:19

281. "And thy heaven that is over thy head shall be brass, and the earth that
is under thee shall be iron." 28:23

282. "The Lord will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and the emerods
[hemorrhoids], and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst be
healed. The Lord will smite thee with madness, and blindness, and
astonishment of heart." 28:27-28

283. "The stranger that is within thee shall get up above thee very high; and
thou shalt come down very low ... he shall be the head, and thou shalt be the
tail." 28:43-44
284. The shoes and clothing of the Israelites didn't wear out even after
wandering in the wilderness for forty years. They just don't make them like
they used to! 29:5

285. God will circumcise your heart and "the heart of thy seed." 30:6

286. When Moses was 120 years old he could no longer "go out and come
in." Yet just a little later (Dt.34:7) we are told that "his eye was not dim, nor his
natural forces abated." 31:1-2

287. "Their wine is the poison of dragons." I wonder what genus and species
the bible is referring to when it mentions dragons. 32:33

288. God's magical Urim and Thummim 33:8

289. Joseph's "horns are like the horns of a unicorn." 33:17

290. Moses, the alleged author of the Pentateuch, describes his own death
and burial. 34:5

Joshua

291. The priests were able to cross the Jordan without getting their feet wet.
Glory! 3:8-17

292. At God's command, Joshua makes some knives and circumcises "again
the children of Israel the second time" (ouch!) at the "hill of the foreskins." 5:2-
3

293. It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a
journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 5:6

294. "Loose thy shoe from off thy foot."
The "captain of the Lord's host" visits Joshua and delivers the all-
important message: "Take your shoes off." 5:13-15

295. God's plan for the destruction of Jericho: Have seven priests go before
the ark with seven trumpets of ram's horns. Then on the seventh day, they go
around the city seven times. Finally, the priests blow a long blast from the
ram's horns, all the people shout, and the walls will fall down. 6:3-5

296. Keep yourselves from "the accursed thing". Whatever that is. But be
sure to save all the silver and gold for God! 6:18-19

297. Joshua and all the elders tear their clothes, fall on their faces, and put
dust on their heads. They perform this tantrum because the Israelites lost a
battle (God was punishing them because one man (Achan) "took of the
accursed thing"). I wonder what "the accursed thing" was? Knowledge,
tolerance, kindness perhaps? 7:1-13
298. God slaughters the Amorites and even chases them "along the way" as
they try to escape. Then he sends down huge hailstones and kills even more
of them. 10:10-11

299. In a divine type of daylight savings time, God makes the sun stand still
so that Joshua can get all his killing done before dark. 10:12-13

300. "The Lord fought for Israel." I wonder what kind of weapon he used.
Probably the jawbone of an ass. 10:14, 10:42

301. "And the coast of Og king of Bashan, which as of the remnant of the
giants...." 12:4, 18:16

302. One man of you shall chase a thousand: for the LORD your God, he it is
that fighteth for you." 23:10

303. God sent hornets to fight for the Israelites. 24:12

Judges

304. Adonibezek fed 70 kings (with their thumbs and big toes cut off) under
his table. 1:7

305. "The Lord ... could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because
they had chariots of iron." 1:19

306. God promised many times that he would drive out all the inhabitants of
the lands they encountered. But these verses show that God failed to keep his
promise since he was unable to driver out the Canaanites. 1:21, 27-30

307. An angel drops by to rebuke the Israelites for being too tolerant of the
religious beliefs of the people they have been massacring. He tells them that
since they didn't complete their job (of killing everyone), God will not
completely drive them out (like he promised to do). Instead he'll keep some of
them around so that the Israelites will be ensnared by their false gods. 2:1-3

308. God anger "was hot against Israel, and he sold them." Well, I hope he
got a good price. 2:14, 4:2

309. Shamgar kills 600 Philistines with an ox goad. Praise God. 3:31

310. "The children of Israel cried unto the LORD: for he [Sisera, not God] had
nine hundred chariots of iron." Yet just a few verses ago (Jg.1:19) God was
overpowered by chariots of iron. 4:3

311. "The stars in their courses fought against Sisera." Unless astrology is
true, how can the stars affect the outcome of a battle? 5:20

312. Every male Midianite was killed during the time of Moses (Num.31:7),
and yet 200 years later they flourish like grasshoppers "without number." 6:1-6
313. To prove he's for real, the angel makes fire come out of a rock, burning
the flesh and cakes. 6:20-21

314. "The Spirit of the LORD came upon Gideon, and he blew a trumpet."
6:34

315. Gideon needs some (more) signs to convince him that God isn't lying to
him. (The buring flesh sign from 6:20-21 didn't satisfy him.) So he puts down
some wool on the ground and asks God to make it wet, while keeping the
surrounding ground dry. And God does it, no sweat. But Gideon is still not
sure he can trust God, so he asks him to reverse the trick, and make the
ground wet and the wool dry. "And God did so ..." Gideon must have been
impressed by a God that could do such great things. 6:36-40

316. God picks the men to fight in Gideon's army by the way they drink water.
Only those that lap water with their tongues, "as a dog lappeth," shall fight.
7:4-7

317. The Midianites and Amalekites had an infinite number of camels -- well,
maybe not quite, but at least as many "as the sand by the sea shore." 7:12

318. Gideon's men break three hundren picthers while holding lamps,
blowing trumpets, and yelling "The sword of the Lord and of Gideon." 7:16-20

319. Gideon made an Ephod out of camel necklaces that caused "all Israel"
to "go a whoring. 8:27

320. Abimelech kills 69 brothers "upon one stone." (He was trying to get in
the Guinness Book of World Records.) 9:5

321. And now for something completely different: Talking Trees 9:8-15

322. "Wine ... cheereth God and man." So God drinks wine and it makes him
happy. 9:13

323. God sends evil spirits that cause humans to deal treacherously with
each other. 9:23-24

324. "Jair ... had thirty sons that rode on thirty ass colts, and they had thirty
cities." 10:3-4

325. God was angry at Israel so he sold them to the Philistines. (He had
previously sold them to the kings of Mesopotamia (3:8) and Canaan (4:2).)
10:7

326. Abdon had 70 sons and nephews that rode on 70 ass colts. 12:13-14

327. "Why askest thou thus after my name, seeing it is secret?"
The angel had a secret name. (Clarence?, 007?, agent 99?) 13:18
328. "The angel of the LORD ascended in the flame of the altar." 13:20

329. "And the child [Samson] grew, and the Lord blessed him." Samson was
one of the vilest of all the vile Bible heroes; Yet he was especially blessed by
God. 13:24

330. Samson rips up a young lion when "the spirit of the Lord came mightily
upon him." Later, when going to "take" his Philistine wife he notices a swarm
of bees and honey in the lion's carcass (a Divine miracle -- or just rotting flesh
and maggots?). 14:5-8

331. Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, and sets them on
fire. 15:4

332. "The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon" Samson and "he found a
new jawbone of an ass ... and took it, and slew 1000 men therewith." 15:14-15

333. After Samson killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass, he was
thirsty. So God created and filled a hollow in the very same jawbone and put
water in it for Samson to drink. 15:17-19

334. Samson, after "going in unto" a harlot, takes the doors, gate, and posts
of the city and carries them to the top of a hill. Why did he do this? Did God
make him do it or was he just showing off? The Bible doesn't say. 16:3

335. Samson reveals the secret of his strength to Delilah: "If I be shaven,
then my strength will go from me." (And I thought his strength was from God.)
16:17

336. After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and
his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his
guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they
"abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and
dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an ass and takes her home. Then he
chops her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to each of the twelve
tribes of Israel. 19:22-30

337. The Benjamites had 700 left-handed men who could sling a stone at a
hair and not miss. 20:16

338. God tells the Israelites to send the tribe of Judah into battle and 22,000
men were killed by the Benjamites. 20:18, 21

339. God tells them to go to battle again and another 18,000 are killed. 20:23,
25

340. God tells Phinehas to fight against the Benjamites, saying he will deliver
them into his hand. So the Israelites kill some more people for God. 20:38-41
Ruth

341. In the first chapter of Ruth (1:11), Naomi is too old to conceive, but now,
in the fourth chapter, she functions as a wet nurse. 4:16

1 Samuel

342. "And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife; and the Lord remembered her."
(He probably said something like, "Oh yeah, she's the one whose womb I shut
up.") And Hannah conceived and "bare a son [Oh boy, another boy!], and
called his name Samuel." 1:19-20

343. A disembodied voice calls to the child Samuel three times. The first two
times, Samuel thought it was Eli that called him. But Eli figured it that the
voice must be God's. So the third time that God called, he was able to deliver
his message to Samuel. 3:4-10

344. God will do something that will cause everyone's ears to tingle. 3:11

345. Samuel tells Eli that God will punish his descendants forever (3:12-13)
and Eli says, "Okay, whatever God wants is fine with me." 3:18

346. God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their secret
parts." 5:6-12

347. After striking the Philistines with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts," he
demands that they send him five golden hemorrhoids as a "trespass offering."
6:4-5, 11, 17

348. Saul was more handsome than anyone in Israel and stood head and
shoulders above everyone else. 9:2

349. When the people couldn't find Saul (who was selected to be king by
drawing lots), they "enquired of the Lord ... and the Lord answered, Behold he
hath hid himself among the stuff." 10:22

350. "But the children of Belial said, How shall this man save us? And they
despised him, and brought no presents." 10:27

351. "I make a covenant with your, that I may thrust out all your right eyes."
Deals like this can only be found in the Bible. 11:2

352. "And the spirit of God came upon Saul ... and he took a yoke of oxen,
and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coast of Israel."
People do the darnedest things when the spirit of God comes upon them!
11:6-7

353. "Saul ... slew the Ammorites unto the heat of the day." Then he took a
little break. After all, killing is hard work. 11:11
354. "So Samuel called unto the LORD; and the LORD sent thunder and
rain." 12:18

355. Samuel tells Saul that he's just not good enough for God. So God has
chosen someone else to replace him as king. Who is this guy, this "man after
his own heart" that God has chosen? David! 13:14

356. Saul tells his soldiers not to eat anything until he kills all of his enemies,
saying that anyone who eats anything is cursed. But his son Jonathan didn't
hear about his fathers curse and he ate a bit of honey. So he Saul says his
son is cursed and must die. 14:24-43

357. "An evil spirit from the Lord troubled him." but if God is good, then how
could he have an evil spirit? 16:14-16, 23

358. Goliath was ten feet tall ("six cubits and a span"). 17:4

359. David caught a lion (and a bear?) "by his beard" and then killed him.
17:34-35

360. "The evil spirit from God came upon Saul, and he prophesied." 18:10

361. David kills 200 Philistines and brings their foreskins to Saul to buy his
first wife (Saul's daughter Michal). Saul had only asked for 100 foreskins, but
David was feeling generous. 18:25-27

362. "And Saul saw and knew that the LORD was with David."
(How else could David get so many foreskins?) 18:28

363. And the evil spirit from the Lord was upon Saul." Poor guy, he just can't
keep away from God's damned evil spirit. 19:9

364. Saul gets a bit carried away with his prophesying "and he stripped off his
clothes ... and lay down naked all that day and night. Wherefore they say, Is
Saul also among the prophets?" 19:24

365. David acts like he's crazy, scribbles on the gates of Gath, and lets spit
run down his beard. All this he did in front of Israel's enemies in the hopes that
they would take him in and protect him from Saul. 21:12

366. Saul tells his soldiers not to eat anything until he kills all of his enemies,
saying that anyone who eats anything is cursed. But his son Jonathan didn't
hear about his fathers curse and he ate a bit of honey. So he Saul says his
son is cursed and must die. 14:24-43

367. David vows to kill "any that pisseth against the wall." 25:22, 34

368. "And David smote the land and left neither man nor woman alive." (No
wonder God liked David so much!) Among those that David exterminated
were the Amalekites. But there couldn't have been any Amalekites to kill since
Saul killed them all (1 Sam.15:7-8) just a little while before. 27:8-11

369. "And when Saul inquired of the Lord, the Lord answered him not, neither
by dreams, nor by Urim, nor by prophets." 28:6

370. Saul visits a woman with a "familiar spirit" and she brings Samuel back
from the dead. Samuel once again explains that God is angry at Saul for not
killing all of the Amalekites. He says God is going to deliver all of Israel into
the hands of the Philistines. (Since Saul refused to slaughter innocent people,
God will slaughter the Israelites. Fair is fair.) 28:8-19

371. The Amalekites are a tough tribe. Twice they were "utterly destroyed":
first by Saul (1 Sam.15:7-8) and then by David (1 Sam.27:9-11). Yet here they
are, just a few years later, fighting the Israelites again! 30:1

372. David spends the day killing more of those pesky Amalekites. They are
completely wiped out again. (See 1 Sam.15:7-8, 20 and 27:8-9 for the last two
times that they were exterminated.) 30:17

2 Samuel

373. According to these verses, Saul was killed by an Amalekite. But Saul
killed all the Amalekites (except for Agag who Samuel hacked to death) as
God commanded in 1 Sam.15:3, so how could he later be killed by one? 1:8-
10

374. Abner smites Asahel "under the fifth rib." 2:23
(It seems that in 2 Samuel this is the preferred place to get smitten. 3:27,
4:6, 20:10)

375. David says, "deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for a
hundred foreskins of the Philistines." Well, he actually paid with two hundred
foreskins (see 1 Sam.18:27). 3:14

376. "When David enquired of the LORD, he said ... come upon them over
against the mulberry trees." 5:23

377. "When thou hearest the sound of a going in the tops of the mulberry
trees ... then shall the LORD go out before thee, to smite the host of the
Philistines." 5:24

378. "Then said David, I will shew kindness unto Hanun the son of Nahash,
as his father shewed kindness unto me."
Nahash gouged out the eyes of Israelite messengers (or at least
threatened to) in 1 Samuel 11. That's a strange way to show kindness! 10:2

379. "Hanun ... shaved off the one half of their beards, and cutt off their
garments ... even to their buttocks."
That'll teach them! 10:4
380. After Bathsheba's baby is killed by God, David comforts her by going "in
unto her." She conceives and bears another son (Solomon). 12:24

381. "He weighed the hair of his head at two hundred shekels."
Absalom's hair was heavy upon him 14:25-26

382. "The wood [forest] devoured more people that day than the sword
devoured." It must have been spooky forest to have devoured more than
20,000 soldiers. There were probably lots of lions and tigers and bears. (Oh
my!) 18:8

383. Amasa is viciously slaughtered by Joab by smiting him "in the fifth rib",
of course. 20:10

384. A giant with six fingers and six toes. 21:20

385. "There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth."
What happens when God gets mad? The earth shakes, the foundations of
heaven move, smoke comes out of his nostrils, and fire out of his
mouth."22:8-9

386. God "came down" with "darkness under his feet." 22:10

387. "He [God] rode upon a cherub, and did fly." 22:11

388. "The LORD thundered from heaven, and the most High (who?) uttered
his voice." 22:14

389. "The foundations of the world were discovered ... at the blast of the
breath of his nostrils." 22:16

390. The chief of David's captains killed with his own spear 800 guys at one
time. 23:8

391. David was thirsty, so he asked someone to get him some water from the
Bethlehem well, which was controlled by the Philistines. Three of his men
broke through the enemy lines, got the water from the well, and brought it
back to David. But he refused to drink it and poured it on the ground. 23:15-17

392. God tempts David to take census, though 1 Chr.21:1 says that Satan
tempted David, and Jas.1:13 says that God never tempts anyone. Why did
God or Satan tempt David to take the census? And what the heck is wrong
with a census anyway? 24:1

393. Israel had 1,300,000 fighting men in this battle. Of course, this is a
ridiculously high number for a battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE.
(The United States had about 1.37 million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 24:9
394. God offers David a choice of punishments for having conducted the
census: 1) seven years of famine (1 Chr.21:12 says three years), 2) three
months fleeing from enemies, or 3) three days of pestilence. David can't
decide, so God chooses for him and sends a pestilence, killing 70,000 men
(and probably around 200,000 women and children). 24:13

395. After God threatens to kill hundreds of thousands of innocent people for
a census that he inspired, David says, "let us fall now into the hand of the
LORD; for his mercies are great." 24:14

396. Finally, when an angel is about to destroy Jerusalem, "the Lord
repented." That's nice, but why would a good God have to repent of the evil
that he planned to do? 24:16

1 Kings

397. God grants Solomon's' request and makes him the wisest of all men.
(He was wiser even than Jesus.) He also promises to "lengthen Solomon's
days" if he will only "walk in my ways, ... as thy father David did walk." But
alas, it was only a dream. 3:12-15

398. How could Solomon be "wiser than all men" and yet have his heart
"turned away ... after other gods?" (1 Kg.11:4) 4:29-31

399. The house that "Solomon built for the Lord" was tiny compared to the
one he built for himself. According to 7:1-2 , God's house had less than one-
quarter the floor space of Solomon's. 6:2, 7:1-2

400. God creates droughts by causing "heaven to shut up" as a punishment
for sin. 8:35

401. When dedicating the temple, Solomon kills 22,000 oxen and 120,000
sheep. 8:63

402. "King Solomon loved many strange women. And he had 700 wives and
300 concubines." 11:3

403. The wisest man that ever lived (1 Kg.4:31) was misled by his wives into
worshipping other gods. 11:4, 15:3

404. Solomon (the wisest man that ever lived) worshipped many gods,
including Ashtoreth, Micom, Chemosh, and Molech. 11:5-7

405. Joab (David's captain) spent six months killing every male in Edom. Yet
a few years later Edom revolted. (2 Kg.8:22) 11:15

406. "I [king Rehoboam] will chastise you with scorpions." 12:11, 14

407. Ever the playful spirit, God withers, and then restores, the hand of king
Jeroboam. 13:4
408. There were these two prophets. The first prophet lied to the second. To
the punish the second for believing the first's lie, God sends a lion to kill him.
Get it? 13:11-24

409. God kills everyone "that pisseth against the wall." 14:10, 16:11, 21:21

410. Did Abijam marry his own mother?
Since Asa's father was Abijam and they had the same mother (Maachah),
Abijam was both father and brother to Asa. 15:9-10

411. "Asa did what was right in the eyes of the Lord, As did David his father."
15:11

412. Ravens bring Elijah bread and flesh for breakfast and dinner. 17:6

413. Elijah resurrects the widow's son. 17:22

414. "The fire of the Lord fell, and consumed ... stones." 18:38

415. Elijah went forty days on the strength of two meals. 19:7-8

416. God delivers the Syrians into the Israelites hands, and 100,000 were
killed in one day. Of those that escaped, 27,000 were crushed by a falling
wall. (It was a really big wall.) 20:28-30

417. There was this son of a prophet that said to his neighbor, "kill me." But
the neighbor refused. So God sent a lion to devour him. 20:35

418. God's dog food. 21:19, 22:23

2 Kings

419. Elijah shows that he is "a man of God" by burning 102 men to death.
1:10, 12

420. When Elijah needs to cross a river, he just smacks the water with his
magic mantle and crosses on dry land. 2:8

421. Elisha repeats Elijah's trick of parting the waters of the Jordan by smiting
them with his mantle. 2:14

422. Elisha "heals" the waters by adding a pinch of salt. 2:20-22

423. God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha's
bald head. 2:23-24

424. Elisha restores the life of a dead child, but only after laying on him a
couple of times, putting his mouth on the child's mouth, his eyes on the child's
eyes, and his hands on the child's hands. Finally, the child responds by
sneezing seven times. 4:32-35

425. Elisha put some meal (flour) in a pot to counteract the poison in a pot of
stew. 4:40-41

426. Elisha can do all the tricks of Jesus (raise the dead, heal the sick, etc.).
Here he cures a leper, but only after the leper dips himself seven times in the
Jordan. 5:14

427. Elisha makes an iron ax head swim. Neat trick, not even Jesus did that
one! 6:6

428. "Elisha ... telleth the king of Israel the words that thou speakest in thy
bedchamber."
Elisha is clairaudient (acquires psychic knowledge by auditory means).
6:12

429. Elisha prayed and "behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots
of fire round about Elisha." 6:17

430. With God's help, Elisha first blinds the Syrians and then restores their
sight. 6:18-20

431. "An ass's head was sold for fourscore pieces of silver, and the fourth
part of a cab of dove's dung for five pieces of silver." 6:25

432. The Edomites revolt. But how could they have fought when all of their
males had just recently been killed? (1 Kg.11:16) 8:22

433. One of Jehu's officers called Elisha a madman (which, of course, he
was). 9:11

434. Jehu is the patron saint of reckless drivers. 9:20

435. These verses are so important that God decided to repeat them in two
successive chapters. I'd memorize them if I were you. 13:12-13, 14:15-16

436. Elisha tells Joash to hit the ground with his arrow. So he smacks the
ground three times. Elisha then yells at him, saying he should have struck the
ground five or six times. If he had, then he would have completely wiped out
Syria, but now since he only struck the ground three times, he'll only get to
smite Syria three times. Shucks! 13:18-19

437. A dead body is brought to life when it accidentally touches the bones of
Elisha. 13:21

438. According to this verse, Ahaz was 36 years old when he completed his
reign. And 18:1-2 says that he was succeeded by a 25 year old son,
Hezekiah. This means that Ahaz fathered Hezakiah when he was only eleven
years old! 16:2

439. Hezekiah, the son of Ahaz, began to reign when he was 25 years old.
His father was 36 years old when Hezekiah took over (16:2). So Ahaz was
only eleven years old when he fathered Hezekiah! 18:1-2

440. While Hezekiah was busy doing things that were "right in the sight of the
Lord," he broke the brazen serpent that God told Moses to make in Num.21:8.
18:3-4

441. An "angel of the Lord" kills 185,000 men while they sleep. "And when
they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses." I guess
they all woke up and said, "Shucks, I'm dead." 19:35

442. Take a lump of figs. And they took and laid it on the boil, and he
recovered." 20:7

443. Isaiah, with a little help from God, makes the sun move backwards ten
degrees. Now that's quite a trick. All at once, the earth stopped spinning and
then reversed its direction of rotation. Or maybe the sun traveled around the
earth in those days! 20:11

444. God plans to "bring such evil upon Jerusalem and Judah, that
whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall tingle." 21:12

445. "I [God] will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it, and
turning it upside down." 21:13

1 Chronicles

446. The first nine chapters of First Chronicles are good examples of the
"endless genealogies" that Paul tells us to avoid (see 1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9).
Chapters 1-9

447. Seven sons of Zerubbabel are listed, not five as is said in this verse.
3:20

448. Five sons of Shemiah are listed, not six as is said in this verse. 3:22

449. As if it wasn't boring enough the first time, ten verses from Saul's
genealogy are repeated in consecutive chapters. 8:29-38, 9:35-44

450. The chief of David's captains killed with his own spear 300 guys at one
time. 11:11

451. David was thirsty, so he asked someone to get him some water from the
Bethlehem well, which was controlled by the Philistines. Three of his men
broke through the enemy lines, got the water from the well, and brought it
back to David. But he refused to drink it and poured it on the ground. 11:17-19
452. The Gadites had faces like lions and could run as fast as deer on the
mountains. 12:8

453. "The LORD said unto him, Go up; for I will deliver them into thine hand."
God tells David to go to war with the Philistines, promising to deliver them
into his hand. 14:10

454. "David enquired again of God; and God said unto him, Go not up after
them; turn away from them, and come upon them over against the mulberry
trees." (How stupid can a Bible story get?) 14:14

455. God tells David to listen for a sound in the mulberry trees. That sound
will mean that God has already killed the Philistines. 14:15

456. David gave every man and woman in Israel a large bottle of wine. 16:3

457. David's servants had their buttocks exposed. 19:4

458. David puts on a crown weighing 1 talent (34 kg). (He had a very strong
neck.) 20:2

459. According to this verse David's army had 1,100,000 men from Israel and
470,000 men from Judah, Of course, this numbers is ridiculously high for a
battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about
1.37 million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 21:5

460. David provides Solomon with a fantastically large amount of gold and
silver with which to build the temple: 100,000 talents of gold and 1,000,000
talents of silver. Since a talent was about 60 pounds, this would be about
3,000 tons of gold and 30,000 tons of silver. 22:14

461. "The sons of Jeduthun; Gedaliah, and Zeri, and Jeshaiah, Hashabiah,
and Mattithiah, six." But only five are listed. 25:3

462. King David collects ten thousand drams (or darics) for the construction
of the temple in Jerusalem. This is especially interesting since darics were
coins named after King Darius I who lived some five hundred years after
David. 29:7

463. As usual, the reported amounts of gold, silver, and iron are grossly
exaggerated. (100,000 talents of iron, for example, would be about 34 million
kilograms.) 29:7

464. "And the fame of David went out into all lands; and the LORD brought
the fear of him upon all nations." (Even the Native Americans, Polynesians,
and Chinese emperors feared David!) 14:17

2 Chronicles
465. Solomon enlists a huge workforce (over 150,000 men) to construct a
small chapel. (See 1 Kg.6:2 where the dimensions of the building are given as
approximately 90 feet long, 30 feet wide, and 45 feet high.) 2:2

466. "Remember the mercies of David." But David was anything but merciful.
For some examples of his behavior see 2 Sam.12:31 and 1 Chr.20:3 where
he saws, hacks, and burns to death the inhabitants of several cities. 6:42

467. Solomon, when dedicating the temple, killed 22,000 oxen and 120,000
sheep. 7:5

468. Abijah spoke to 1,200,000 soldiers at one time. (He had a really loud
voice.) 13:3-4

469. A half million soldiers die in a single God-assisted slaughter. 13:16-17

470. In the largest single God-assisted massacre in the bible, Asa, with God's
help, kills one million Ethiopians. 14:8-14

471. According to this verse, Baasha fought with Judah in the 36th year of
Asa's reign, yet 1 Kg.16:6-8 says that Baasha died in the 26th year of Asa's
reign. So if both stories are true, Baasha was still fighting 10 years after his
death! 16:1

472. "The eyes of the Lord run to and fro ..." 16:9

473. Asa, when he had a foot disease, went to physicians instead of seeking
the Lord. (God disapproves of those who seek medical help rather than
"seeking the Lord.") 16:12

474. Jehoram began to reign after Elijah went to heaven (2 Kg.2:11, 8:16), so
how could King Jehoram receive a letter from him? 21:9, 12

475. Jehoram was 32 years old when he began to reign and he reigned for
eight years and then died (a 40 years old). After his death, his youngest son
Ahaziah began to reign at the age of 42 (22:1-2). So the son (Ahaziah) was
two years older than his father! 21:20, 22:1-2

476. God makes Uzziah a leper for burning incense without a license. 26:19-
21

477. Pekah killed 120,000 people in one day. 28:6, 8

478. An eight year-old king (Jehoiachin) did "evil in the sight of the Lord."
36:9

479. "The LORD his God be with him, and let him go up." Now how's that for
a strange ending? Actually, the last two verses from 2 Chronicles are taken
from the first few verses of Ezra. It just happens that whoever decided to tack
these verses on (for whatever reason) forgot to finish the sentence! 36:22-23
Ezra

480. In verse 11, the total number of items listed in the previous two verses is
said to be 5400. The actual total is 2499. 1:9-11

481. God's magical Urim and Thummim 2:63

482. "The whole congregation together was forty and two thousand tree
hundred and threescore [42,360]." Yet if we count up all of the numbers in the
list just given in Ezra 2:3-62 we obtain a different number: 29,818. 2:65

483. When Ezra hears of the intermarriages, he tears up his clothes, plucks
out his hair and beard, and sits down astonished. 9:3

Nehemiah

484. Nehemiah gets so upset that he shakes his lap. 5:13

485. God's magical Urim and Thummim 7:65

486. Here we are told that the whole congregation totaled 42,360. But if we
just total up the numbers given in Neh.7:8-62 we come up with only 31,089.
7:66

487. Nehemiah rebukes the men for marrying "strange wives." To punish
them he "contended with them, and cursed them, and smote certain of them,
and plucked off their hair." 13:25-27

Esther (None)

Job

488. God asks where Satan has been lately (apparently God didn't know),
and Satan answered saying, "From walking to and fro in the earth, and from
walking up and down on it." This verse inspired Mark Twain's Letters From the
Earth.. 1:7, 2:2

489. God gives Satan power over all that Job possesses. 1:12

490. God kills (or allows Satan to kill) Job's children, but Job doesn't
"foolishly" blame God. Since God was responsible, why would it be foolish to
blame God? 1:22

491. God and Satan play a little game with Job. God allows Satan to torment
Job, just to see how he will react. 2:3-6

492. "So went Satan forth from the presence of the LORD, and smote Job
with sore boils from the sole of his foot unto his crown." 2:7
493. Job asks the important question: "Is there any taste in the white of an
egg?" 6:6

494. Does God pervert Justice? Well, if you believe the Bible he sure as hell
does! 8:3

495. Job says "my breath is strange to my wife." Mine too. 19:17

496. "His breasts are full of milk." 21:24

497. When things were going well for Job he washed his steps with butter
and rocks poured out rivers of oil. 29:6

498. Poor Job's "bowels boiled." Now that doesn't sound pleasant. 30:27

499. Job is the brother of dragons. 30:29

500. "That it might take hold of the ends of the earth, that the wicked might be
shaken out of it."
God could (if he wanted to) pick up the earth by its ends and shake all the
wicked people off of it.
38:13

501. God speaks to people in dreams and visions while they sleep. (They're
called nightmares.) 33:14-16

502. "By the breath of God frost is given." 37:10

503. "Who can stay the bottles of heaven?" Gosh, I don't know. I didn't even
know there were any bottles in heaven. 38:37

504. "Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee?" The unicorn referred to here
is probably not the single-horned mythical creature, but rather a wild ox that
was mistranslated in the KJV. 39:9-10

505. Bible believers have identified the behemoth as a hippopotamus,
dinosaur, wildebeest, or crocodile. But my favorite is the way these verses are
translated by Stephen Mitchell: "Look now: the Beast that I made: he eats
grass like a bull. Look: the power in his thighs, the pulsing sinews of his belly.
His penis stiffens like a pine; his testicles bulge with vigor." 40:15-16

506. "Canst thou draw out leviathan with an hook? or his tongue with a
cord?" 41:1-34

507. After God (or Satan) kills Job's first set of kids (1:19), he is given an
even better set -- with even prettier daughters! 42:13-15

508. Job lived to be 140 years old. 42:16

Psalms
509. "The righteous God trieth the hearts and reins."
Jesus will search your kidneys 7:9

510. God made the heavens with his fingers. 8:3

511. God's eyelids. 11:4

512. Atheists are fools who never do anything good. 14:1, 53:1

513. "My reins also instruct me in the night seasons."
Jesus will search your kidneys 16:7

514. God's lips 17:4

515. The earth shakes whenever God really gets mad. 18:7

516. Smoke comes out of God's nose and fire comes out of his mouth. 18:8

517. God curved the heavens and came down to earth with darkness under
his feet. 18:9

518. God rides upon cherubs and flies through the sky. 18:10

519. "The foundations of the world were discovered ... at the blast of the
breath of thy nostrils." (The earth is set on firm foundations and does not
move -- unless God blows his nose.) 18:15

520. "Try my reins and my heart."
Jesus will search your kidneys 26:2

521. "The Lord is upon many waters. ... The Lord sitteth upon the flood."
29:3, 10

522. God's voice is so loud it can break the cedars of Lebanon. 29:5

523. "He maketh them also to skip ... like a young unicorn." 29:6

524. Those who fear God never starve. 33:19

525. Those "that seek the LORD shall not want any good thing." (Those who
are poor or hungry just aren't seeking God enough.) 34:10

526. "Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him
out of them all."
Nothing bad ever happens to righteous folks. 34:19

527. Those who trust in God and do good, will never be hungry. (Those who
starve to death didn't trust him or did bad things.) 37:3
528. If you delight yourself in God, he'll give you whatever you want. 37:4

529. The meek shall inherit the earth." Will they really? In nature they inherit
nothing, but die painful deaths from disease, starvation, and predation. 37:11

530. The author of this psalm allegedly is David. If so, then it's not surprising
that his "loins" would be "filled with a loathsome disease." After all, his
promiscuity was legendary, and he probably didn't practice safe sex. 38:5, 7

531. God's clothes smell like myrrh, aloes, and cassia. In fact, now you can
buy a candle that smells just like Jesus! 45:8

532. Wicked people are wicked from birth -- God made them that way. They
tell lies immediately after birth (before they can even talk!). 58:3

533. According to the psalmist, snails melt. But they don't, of course, they
simply leave a slimy trail as they move along. 58:8

534. They [the heathen] make a noise like a dog .... Behold, they belch out
with their mouths." These are good reasons for God to kill them. 59:6-7, 14

535. "The God of mercy" will let the psalmist see his enemies tormented.
59:10

536. The psalmist prays that his enemies be tormented and blinded by God.
He asks God to "make their loins continually to shake." 69:23-28

537. "I was pricked in my reins."
Jesus will search your kidneys 73:21

538. God is so strong that he can break the head of dragons and of leviathan.
74:13-14

539. "The waters saw thee, O God, the waters saw thee; they were afraid."
77:16

540. "The LORD heard this" (he had his hearing aid on) and became angry,
and burned people "because they believed not in God." 78:21-22

541. Man did eat angels' food." 7825:

542. "And he [God] smote his enemies in the hinder parts." (He kicked their
ass.) 78:66

543. "I have said, Ye are gods." Jesus quotes this verse in John 10:34 to get
out of a tough spot. (He was claiming to be God for which the Jews accused
him of blasphemy.) 82:6

544. "I will make mention of Rahab"
Rahab is a sea-demon or dragon from ancient Jewish folklore. 87:4
545. "Thou hast broken Rahab [the sea monster] in pieces." 89:10

546. The psalmist has a horn that he'd like God to erect -- "like the horn of a
unicorn." 92:10

547. "A fire goeth before him, and burneth up his enemies round about." 97:3

548. "The Lord ... who healeth all thy diseases." God heals all diseases.
Medical science is unnecessary. 103:2-3

549. "He smote ... their fig trees." (God hates figs) 105:33

550. God swears. 110:4

551. "Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints." 116:15

552. Proud people have hearts that are "fat as grease." 119:69-70

553. "The LORD is thy keeper.... The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the
moon by night." So believers don't have to bother with sunscreen. God will
protect them from sunburn, and moonburn too. 121:5-6

554. "Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it."
God doesn't build houses or watch over cities; people do. 127:1

555. "He giveth his beloved sleep."
Don't bother getting up early and working hard. If God loves you, you can
sleep in and let God take care you. 127:2

556. "To him that smote Egypt in their first born: for his mercy endures
forever." 136:10

557. God "overthrew Pharaoh and his host in the Red sea: for his mercy
endureth for ever." 136:15

558. God "smote great kings: for his mercy endureth for ever." 136:17-18

559. God is in hell. 139:8

560. Even the dragons praise the Lord. 148:7

Proverbs

561. "Lean not unto thine own understanding." Don't try to understand things;
just accept whatever the bible and your religious leaders tell you. 3:5

562. If you give money to God, he will make you rich and you'll have lots of
wine. 3:9-10
563. God never allows good people to go hungry or the wicked to become
wealthy. 10:3

564. Bad things only happen to bad people. 12:21

565. How to tell the good from the bad: Good people are the ones who get
plenty to eat, and wicked are the ones who go hungry. 13:25

566. "The eyes of the Lord are in every place." 15:3

567. "The hoary head [gray hair] is a crown of glory." 16:31

568. All games of chance (gambling) are controlled by God. 16:33

569. "The spirit of man is the candle of the LORD, searching all the inward
parts of the belly." 20:27

570. "The beauty of old men is the grey head." 20:29

571. "The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward
parts of the belly." 20:30

572. Those who are humble and fear God will live long and prosper. 22:4

573. Don't eat dinner with a person who has an "evil eye." 23:6

574. "To have respect of persons is not good." (Treat everyone with
disrespect.) 28:21

575. "Yea, my reins shall rejoice."
Jesus will search your kidneys 23:16

576. If you are greedy then you must have an "evil eye." 28:22

577. "Every word of God is pure. See Ezek.23:20 and Mal.2:3 for just two
examples of the "pure word of God." 30:5

578. One of the four "wonderful" things is "the way of a man with a maid."
30:18-19

579. "The wringing of the nose bringeth forth blood." 30:33

Ecclesiastes

580. "He hath made every thing beautiful."
Everything is beautiful in its own way. Parasitic worms, cancer cells,
bubonic plague. You just have to look at it from God's eyes. 3:11

Song of Solomon
581. "We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts ... But my breasts [are]
like towers." 8:8-10

Isaiah

582. The mouth of the Lord 1:20

583. After God "washed away the filth" from the women and killed the men,
he set up "a cloud and smoke by day" and a "flaming fire by night." 4:4-5

584. God "will hiss unto then from the end of the earth." 5:26

585. An angel touches Isaiah's lips with a live coal. 6:6-7

586. "The Lord shall hiss for the fly ... and for the bee." 7:18

587. God will shave men's feet, where "feet" and "hair" are biblical
euphemisms for males sexual organs and pubic hair, respectively. 7:20

588. Isaiah has sex with a prophetess who conceives and bears a son. (You
weren't expecting a daughter, were you?) God then tells Isaiah to call his
name Mathershalalhashbaz. (It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?) 8:3

589. God will "smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath
of his lips he shall slay the wicked." God must have some pretty bad breath!
11:4

590. "The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb...." I wonder what will become of
the spiders. Will they be more friendly toward flies? And will the parasitic
wasps find another way to feed their larvae? Or will they continue to feed off
the living bodies of caterpillars? 11:6, 65:25

591. "And the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice' den." A
cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a cock's egg, that can kill with a glance.
They are rare nowadays. 11:8

592. Dragons will live in Babylonian palaces and satyrs will dance there.
13:21-22

593. Out of the serpent's root shall come forth a cockatrice, and his fruit shall
be a fiery flying serpent." What ever happened to these fascinating biblical
creatures? 14:29

594. "Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine
inward parts for Kirharesh." 16:11

595. God tells Isaiah to take off all his clothes and to wander about
completely naked for three years as a "sign and a wonder." In this way he will
be just like the Egyptian captives who will walk about naked "with their
buttocks uncovered." 20:2-5
596. While walking around naked for three years, Isaiah's loins were filled
with pain. 21:3

597. "The Lord will ... toss thee like a ball." 22:17-18

598. Tyre "shall commit fornication with all the kingdoms of the world," and
her hire shall be holiness to the Lord." 23:17-18

599. God will turn the earth upside down, knock it off of its foundations, and
then shake and bake it until it "reels to and fro like a drunkard." 24:1, 18-20

600. God will punish the leviathan ("that crooked serpent") with his own
sword and will kill the sea dragon. 27:1

601. God performs a "marvelous work and a wonder" by destroying wisdom
and understanding. 29:14

602. Natural disasters (earthquakes, storms, fires, tsunamis) are caused by,
and are a sign of, God's wrath. 29:7

603. Among the many strange creatures mentioned in the Bible that no
longer seem to exist is the "fiery flying serpent." 30:6

604. "The light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun, and the light of the
sun shall be sevenfold." Well, this is one prophecy that will never come true.
Since the moon has no light of its own, but only reflects that of the sun, it
could never shine like the sun. And the sun will not, at least not while there
are humans to see it, shine 7 times as bright as it does now. 30:26

605. God's lips, tongue, and breath are described for us. 30:27-28

606. "The LORD shall cause his glorious voice to be heard, and shall shew
the lighting down of his arm." 30:30

607. God has bad breath, "like a stream of brimstone. Sometimes he even
kindles a fire with it. 30:33

608. God is furious at everyone and is ready to kill them all. Or as Isaiah so
delicately puts it: "Their stink shall come up out of their carcasses, and the
mountains shall be melted with their blood." 34:2-3

609. "The host of heaven shall be dissolved ... and ... shall fall down."
The stars will dissolve and fall from the sky. 34:4

610. "And the unicorns shall come down with them." 34:7

611. "The cormorant and the bittern shall possess it; the owl also and the
raven shall dwell in it."
Edom will become a birdwatcher's paradise. 34:11
612. Dragons and satyrs may not seem real to you, but they did to the author
of these verses. 34:13-14

613. "And an highway shall be there, and a way, and it shall be called The
way of holiness."
Pat Robertson and other whacked out Christians believe "the highway of
holiness" is I-35.
700 Club: I-35 Can Stop Homosexuality 35:8

614. An angel of God kills 185,000 men. "And when they [those killed by the
angel?] arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead men." 37:36

615. God makes the sun move backwards 10 degrees. Now that's a neat
trick! 38:8

616. The grass and the flowers die when God blows on them. The same
happens with people. 40:7

617. "The workman melteth a graven image, and the goldsmith spreadeth it
over with gold, and casteth silver chains. He ... chooseth a tree ... to prepare a
graven image."
God hates Christmas trees 40:19-20

618. God will "go forth as a mighty man" who cries and roars, and "will cry
like a travailing woman." After he tires of roaring and crying he'll "destroy and
devour." What a guy. 42:13

619. Dragons and owls will thank God for irrigation. 43:20

620. "He heweth him down cedars ... among the trees of the forest ... yea, he
kindleth it, and baketh bread ... he maketh it a graven image ... he roasteth
roast, and is satisfied: yea, he warmeth himself, and saith, Aha, I am warm, I
have seen the fire."
God hates Christmas trees 44:14-16

621. "I have sworn by myself." 45:23

622. God engraved the names of his favorite people on the palms of his
hands. (As a permanent tattoo or with temporary ink?) 49:16

623. "And kings shall be thy nursing fathers." 49:23

624. God cut Rahab (the sea monster) to pieces, wounded the dragon, and
dried up the sea. 51:9-10

625. God shows off his bare arm. 52:10

626. "Thou ... didst increase thy perfumes ... and didst debase thyself even
unto hell." (God hates perfume.) 57:9
627. Bad people hatch poisonous cockatrice eggs. Whoever eats the eggs
will die, and when the eggs are crushed a viper hatches out of them. 59:5

628. Nations that do not serve Israel will perish. 60:12

629. "Thou shalt ... suck the breast of kings." 60:16

630. "For as a young man marrieth a virgin, so shall thy sons marry thee."
62:5

631. "I will ... trample them in my fury; and their blood ... will stain all my
raiment." (God's clothes will get stained with the blood of humans.) 63:2-6

632. Every noble human act, every act of love, courage, and kindness is "an
unclean thing", "a filthy rag" to God. 64:6

633. Don't eat "swine flesh" (like ham or bacon) or other "abominable things"
or God will have to kill you. 65:4, 66:17

634. Immortal worms: "Their worm shall not die" 66:24

Jeremiah

635. God gives Judah "a bill of divorce." 3:8

636. Circumcise the foreskin of your heart or God will burn you to death. 4:4

637. "Behold, their ear is uncircumcised." 6:10

638. God is angered by children who gather wood, fathers who make fires,
and women that make bread for the "queen of heaven" and other gods. 7:18

639. "I will send serpents, cockatrices among you, which will not be charmed,
and they shall bite you." A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a cock's egg,
that can kill with a glance. They are rare nowadays. 8:17

640. God will make Jerusalem "a den of dragons." 9:11

641. Don't just circumcise your penis. Circumcise you heart as well. 9:26

642. "For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the
forest ... with the axe. They deck it with silver and with gold." ( God hates
Christmas trees.) 10:3-4

643. When God gets angry, the earth trembles. (That's what causes
earthquakes.) 10:10

644. Judah will become a desolate den of dragons. 10:22
645. "O LORD of hosts ... that triest the reins and the heart"
Jesus will search your kidneys 11:20

646. God gives Jeremiah some divine instructions about a girdle. He tells him
not to wash it, but to hide it in a rock. Jeremiah does as he's told. But, alas,
when he goes to retrieve it, it was ruined. Darn! 13:1-7

647. Apparently, the point of the girdle story (13:1-7) was to say that
worshipping other gods "is good for nothing." 13:10

648. God plans to expose Jerusalem's private parts to the world by lifting her
skirt over her head, so to speak. He's seen her commit whoredoms and
abominations and whatnot on the hills, and he's getting darned sick of it!
13:26-27

649. The wild asses "snuffed up the wind like dragons." 14:6

650. God is weary of repenting. (It does get tiring after a while, doesn't it?)
15:6

651. God tells us not to trust anyone, not even our family or friends, by
saying: "Cursed be the man that trusteth in man." 17:5

652. "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked."
Everyone is a wicked liar. 17:9

653. "I try the reins."
Jesus will search your kidneys 17:10

654. God admits that he does evil things to people once in a while. (Nobody's
perfect.) 18:11

655. God will make the land desolate, "a perpetual hissing," so that "very one
that passeth thereby shall be astonished, and wag his head." 18:16

656. God will scatter the Israelites before their enemy. And then, on "the day
of their calamity," he'll show them his backside instead of his face. 18:17

657. God says he will do so much evil to the people that whoever hears of it
will have their ears tingle. 19:3

658. And the plagues of God's wrath will make everyone hiss. 19:7-9

659. "O LORD of hosts, that ... seest the reins."
Jesus will search your kidneys 20:12

660. God himself will fight and kill everyone in fury "with an outstretched hand
and with a strong arm." 21:5

661. God swears to himself. 22:5, 49:13, 51:14
662. "The other basket had very naughty figs, which could not be eaten, they
were so bad." God hates figs, at least the "very naughty" kind. 24:2-3

663. God is really getting into all of this killing. He roars, he mightily roars,
and he shouts. 25:30

664. God enslaved entire nations and forced them to serve Nebuchadnezzar,
"his servant". He even gave him all the wild animals and forced them to serve
him. 27:6, 28:14

665. God will send his usual blessings upon his people: "the sword, the
famine, and the pestilence." He "will make them like vile figs, that cannot be
eaten, they are so evil." (God hates figs.) 29:17-18

666. There will come a time when all men will have the pains of childbirth.
30:6

667. Baruch read the words of Jeremiah and all of the people heard him. (He
had a very loud voice.) 36:10

668. It took thirty men to lift Jeremiah out of the dungeon. (He was a very big
man.) 38:10

669. "I repent me of the evil that I have done unto you." (It's about time!)
42:10

670. "O thou sword of the Lord, how long will it be ere thou be quiet?" Good
question. Someone needs to take the sword away from the big guy. 47:6

671. God will send such marvelous plagues on Edom that everyone will hiss
in astonishment. 49:17

672. Jeremiah predicts that humans will never again live in Hazor, but will be
replaced by dragons. But people still live there and dragons have never been
seen. 49:33

673. Jeremiah gave a copy of the book he had written to Seraiah and told
him to read it and then tie a rock to it and throw it in the river. 51:61-63

Lamentations

674. "Out of the mouth of the Most High proceedeth not good and evil?"
Mostly evil, I'd say -- at least if you believe the Bible. 3:38

Ezekiel

675. Ezekiel begins by telling us what day it is. It's the 13th year, 4th month,
and 5th day. But the 13th year etc. of what exactly? 1:1, 8:1, 20:1, 24:1, 26:1,
29:1, 30:20, 32:1, 32:17
676. Ezekiel experiences what some say is the first recorded UFO sighting.
1:4

677. Ezekiel sees creatures that have four faces (human, lion, ox, and eagle),
four wings, and straight feet with calf's soles. Well, maybe he'll feel better in
the morning.1:5-10

678. Ezekiel sees God's loins. 1:27

679. God tells Ezekiel to eat a scroll and to "fill his bowels" with it. He does,
and finds it to be as sweet as honey. 2:9, 3:1-3

680. The spirit lifted Ezekiel into the air and transported him to the river of
Chebar, where he sat astonished for seven days. 3:14-15

681. The spirit (of God?) enters Ezekiel, ties him up, and makes his tongue
stick to the roof of his mouth so that he could no longer speak. 3:24-26

682. God makes Ezekiel lay on his right side for 390 days, and then on his
left side for another 40 days. "And thou shalt not turn thee from one side to
another, till thou hast ended the days." I'll bet he had some killer bed sores
after that! 4:4-9

683. God tells Ezekiel to eat barley cakes that are made with "the dung that
cometh out of man." (Yum!) 4:12

684. God tells Ezekiel to shave his head and beard, divide the cut hair into
thirds, burn one portion, smite the second portion about with a knife, and
scatter the third in the wind. 5:1-3

685. God tells Ezekiel to clap his hands and stamp his feet while saying,
"they shall fall by the sword, by the famine, and by the pestilence." 6:11

686. Ezekiel proclaims that the world (which is flat and has four corners) is
ending. 7:2, 6

687. Ezekiel gets to see God's loins again. (See 1:27 for the first time.) 8:2

688. Ezekiel sees God's hand come down and pluck out a hair from his head.
8:3

689. A sapphire stone that looked like a throne appears in the firmament, and
a man clothed with linen is told by God to scatter coals over the city. 10:1-2

690. Ezekiel sees bodies, backs, hands, wings, and wheels that were "full of
eyes round about."10:12

691. Each cherub has four faces, four wings, and four human hands. 10:20-
21
692. God gets mad at a wall and destroys it, along with those who worked on
it. 13:14-15

693. "Woe to the woman that sew pillows ... Behold, I am against your
pillows." (God likes neither woman nor pillows.) 13:18-21

694. Nebuchadrezzar, "king of kings" -- so that's who that movie is about!
26:7

695. "And they shall know that I am the LORD, when I have set a fire in
Egypt." (The Divine Pyromaniac) 30:8, 30:14, 30:16

696. Ezekiel brings dry bones to life to make "an exceeding great army."
37:7-10

697. "Thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, O my people, I will open your
graves, and cause you to come up out of your graves, and bring you into the
land of Israel." 37:12

698. God shows Ezekiel how to join two sticks together. 37:15-17

699. God will get so darned angry that his fury will come up in his face so that
even the fish, birds, beasts, and bugs will shake when they see him. God will
throw a tantrum, toppling every wall and mountain. 38:18-20

700. Priests must wear linen when they are in the sanctuary. No wool is
permitted. And whatever they wear, it must not cause them to sweat. God
hates sweat! 44:17-18

Daniel

701. In all matters of wisdom and understanding ... the king ... found them
[Daniel and his friends] ten times better than all the magicians and astrologers
in his realm. 1:20

702. Nebuchadnezzar built a statue of gold sixty cubits high and six cubits
wide. Taking a cubit to be 18 inches and assuming the depth to also be six
cubits, this would give a total volume of 270 cubic yards -- which would have
probably been more than all of the gold in all of the kingdoms of the world at
that time. 3:1

703. Daniel's three friends were cast into a fiery furnace, but were totally
unaffected -- not even a hair was singed. And they were joined by the Son of
God (Jesus?), himself! At least that's who Nebuchadnezzar thought it looked
like. 3:25-27

704. This part of the Bible was written by Nebuchadnezzar. 4:1-18
705. Nebuchadnezzar eats grass, his hair becomes like eagle feathers and
his nails like bird claws. 4:32-33

706. A detached hand writes upon the wall, and when the king sees it "the
joints of his loins were loosed, and his knees smote one against the other."
5:5-6

707. Daniel was cast into the lions' den, but they didn't hurt him since God
sent angel to shut the lions' mouths. 6:16-22

708. God's hair is white (but you already knew that!). 7:9

709. "I was astonished at the vision, but none understood it." (If Daniel
couldn't understand his visions, then how could anyone else?) This is the one
true prophecy in the book of Daniel: "none understood it." 8:27

Daniel sees a man fly swiftly. 9:21

710. Daniel is literally "Touched By An Angel." 10:16

Hosea

711. God tells Hosea to commit adultery, saying "take ... a wife of whoredoms
and children of whoredoms" because the land has "committed great
whoredom." So Hosea did as God commanded and "took" a wife named
Gomer. 1:2-3

712. "I will destroy her vines and her fig trees." (God hates figs.) 2:12

713. God acts like a jealous lover. 2:13

714. Because of the Israelites' disobedience, the land mourns, and all the
animals are dying. 4:3

715. "They have made princes, and I knew it not." 8:4

716. God can roar like a lion. 11:10

717. God will rip humans apart and then eat them like a lion. 13:7-8

Joel

718. The animals are perplexed and cry out to God after he torments them by
burning their food and drying up the rivers. 1:18-20

719. "The day of the LORD cometh, for it is nigh at hand." 1:15, 2:1, 3:14

720. God says he will repay Israel for the damage the locusts caused --
which he sent! And they will "praise the name of the Lord." 2:25-26
721. "The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood." These
"signs" were a lot more impressive before the causes of solar and lunar
eclipses were understood. 2:31

722. The Lord will roar and the heavens and earth will shake. 3:16

Amos

723. The divine pyromaniac threatens to "send fire unto" Hazael, Gaza,
Tyrus, Teman, Rabbah, Moab, and Judah. 1:4, 7, 10, 12, 14; 2:2, 5

724. It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a
journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 2:10

725. God says there are three or four reasons for him to punish Moab. But he
only mentions one: "because he burned the bones of the king of Edom." So
God burned Moab because they burned some bones. 2:12

726. God destroyed the Amorites who were a race of giants as tall as cedars
and as strong as oaks. 2:9

727. On the day of God's wrath, brave men "shall flee away naked." 2:16

728. God afflicts the Israelites with "cleanness of teeth" (famine) and drought.
And then he wonders why they don't turn to him. 4:6-9

729. God sends the pestilence, kills young men with the sword, and makes
t1e "stink of your camps to come up unto your nostrils." 4:10

730. Many Christians look forward to the "day of the Lord," but according to
these verses, they shouldn't. 5:18-20

731. "Wo to them ... that chant to the sound of the viol, and invent to
themselves instruments of musick."
Wo to musicians. 6:1, 5

732. "Woe to them ... that drink wine in bowls." 6:1, 6

733. "The Lord GOD hath sworn by himself ... I abhor the excellency of
Jacob, and hate his palaces: therefore will I deliver up the city." God swears to
himself that he hates Jacob's palaces, so he will deliver up the city (and kill
everyone in it). 6:8

734. "Hold thy tongue: for we may not make mention of the name of the
LORD."
(If God hears you, he'll probably kill you, too.) 6:10

735. God stands on a wall holding a plumb line while he talks to Amos. 7:7

736. God swears "by the excellency of Jacob." 8:7
737. Amos sees God standing on the altar. 9:1

738. God will "slay the last of them with the sword." Any that try to escape by
diving to the bottom of the sea will be bitten, at God's command, by a sea-
serpent. 9:1-4

Obadiah

739. "We have heard a rumour from the LORD." 1

740. "For the day of the Lord is near upon all the heathen." If so, then it must
have come and past, unnoticed, long before the birth of Christ. 15

Jonah

741. Jonah fled "from the presence of the Lord." (There are some places
where God can't find you.) 1:3, 10

742. The sailors cast lots to see who was causing the storm. And it worked,
too (casting lots always does), since the lot fell on Jonah. 1:7

743. Jonah believes that by throwing himself into the sea, the storm will die
down. And it worked! 1:12-15

744. God makes "a great fish" to swallow Jonah. And Jonah stayed in the
fish's belly for three days and three nights. 1:17

745. Jonah says a little prayer from the fish's belly. 2:1

746. God talks to the fish, and it vomits out Jonah upon dry land. 2:10

747. "Now Nineveh was an exceeding great city of three days' journey." That
would make it about 60 miles in diameter -- larger than Los Angeles! 3:3

748. Everyone in Nineveh (pop. 120,000) turned to God? Jonah must be one
hell of a preacher! 3:5

749. God wants the "beasts" to cover themselves with sackcloth and "cry
mightily unto God." 3:8

750. Jonah was angry when his preaching converted a city. 4:1

751. God prepares a gourd to shade Jonah's head. Then he prepares a worm
to destroy the gourd. What a clever guy! 4:6-7

Micah

752. God (or Micah?) will "wail and howl" and "go stripped and naked." 1:8
753. Micah says "woe" to those that devise evil , but only two verses later, he
devises evil against "this family." 2:1, 3

754. Watch out for lying prophets that bite (with their teeth). 3:5

755. "The prophets thereof divine for money." Some things never change.
3:11

756. "Trust ye not in a friend, put ye not confidence in a guide: keep the
doors of thy mouth from her that lieth in thy bosom."
Advice like this is only found in the Bible. 7:5

Nahum

757. "The clouds are the dust of his feet." 1:3

758. Tornadoes, earthquakes, and fires are caused by God and are signs of
his anger. 1:5

759. "Knees smite together, and much pain is in all loins." 2:10

760. "Behold, I am against thee, saith the LORD of hosts, and I will burn her
chariots." 2:13

761. God will "discover thy skirts upon thy face, ... show the nations thy
nakedness" and "will cast abominable filth upon thee." 3:4-6

Habakkuk

762. The Chaldeans' horses were faster than leopards and more fierce than
wolves. 1:8

763. "God ... had horns coming out of his hand. ... Before him went the
pestilence, and burning coals went forth at his feet." 3:3-5

764. "Thou didst walk through the sea with thine horses." 3:15

Zephaniah
765. "The day of the LORD is at hand." 1:7

766. God "will punish ... all such as are clothed with strange apparel" or "leap
on the threshold." 1:8-9

767. God doesn't have night-vision, so he needs candles when he comes to
punish the people that say, "The LORD will not do good, neither will he do
evil." 1:12

768. "The great day of the LORD is near." 1:14

769. "The cormorant and the bittern shall lodge in the upper lintels of it."
A prophecy for birdwathers. 2:14

770. "Every one that passeth by her [Assyria] shall hiss, and wag his hand."
2:15

771. The Singing God: "God will joy over thee with singing." 3:17

Haggai

772. God huffs, and he puffs, and he blows the house down! 1:9

773. In "a little while" God "will shake the heavens, and the earth, and the
sea, and the dry land." 2:6

774. "The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, saith the LORD of hosts." 2:8

775. Be careful not to let any holy flesh touch any food or wine, because if
you do your flesh won't be holy any more. 2:12

776. God sent blight and hail upon the Israelites, yet they still didn't return to
him. 2:17

Zechariah

777. God's horseman patrols the earth on red colored horses. 1:8-11

778. Zechariah carries on an extended, casual conversation with an angel.
1:9 - 6:5

779. So, God says to Satan, "God rebuke thee, O Satan." 3:2

780. God has seven eyes that "run to and fro through the whole earth." 4:10

781. Zechariah sees a 30 foot flying scroll that burns down the houses of
thieves and liars. 5:1-4

782. "I was jealous for Zion with great jealousy, and I was jealous for her with
great fury." 8:2

783. "Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... ten men ... shall take hold of the skirt
of him that is a Jew." 8:23

784. "I [God] will hiss for them." 10:8

785. God named two sticks: "Beauty" and "Bands". 11:7

786. God "cut off" three shepherds in one month. God's soul and the soul of
the shepherds loath one another. (I didn't even know God had a soul.) 11:8
787. God will "go forth and fight" for Jerusalem with "his feet" on the mount of
Olives. (After he forces all the nations of the world to fight against Jerusalem.)
14:3

Malachi

788. The book of Malachi is anonymous; Malachi is just a transliteration of
the Hebrew words for "my messenger." 1:1

789. "Wherein hast thou loved us?" Malachi was addressing the skeptics of
his day who questioned God's love for them. Malachi explains that God must
love them since he loved Jacob, hated Esau, and will be angry with the
Edomites forever. 1:2-4

790. God hated Esau and gave his inheritance to the dragons. 1:3

791. "Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces." 2:3

792. "Ye have wearied the LORD with your words." 2:17

793. God is robbed by those who don't pay their full tithe. 3:8

794. God curses the Israelites for "robbing" him by not paying the proper
amount of money in tithes. 3:9

Matthew

795. The gospel of Matthew begins with a boring genealogy like that we are
told to avoid in 1 Tim.1:4 ("Neither give heed to fables and endless
genealogies") and Tit.3:9 ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies"). 1:1-17

796. Judah "went in unto" his daughter-in-law, Tamar, who was disguised as
a prostitute. She conceived and bore Pharez, an ancestor of Jesus.
(Gen.38:2-29) 1:3

797. There are 29 generations listed from David to Jesus in Matthew's
genealogy, while Luke's (3:23-31) has 43. Except for David at one end and
Jesus at the other, there are only three names in the two lists that are the
same. 1:6-16

798. John has a good point in v.14. If Jesus is the sinless Son of God, then
shouldn't Jesus be baptizing John instead of the reverse? Isn't baptism
supposed to forgive sins and be a sign of repentance? If so, then why would
Jesus need to be baptized? And what the heck is "it becometh us to fulfil all
righteousness" supposed to mean? 3:14-15

799. The Son of God is led by the Spirit of God to be tempted by the devil.
4:1
800. Jesus forbids the taking of any kind of oath. Yet Christians in courtrooms
throughout the United States place their right hand on the Bible swear to tell
the truth. 5:34-37

801. Don't defend yourself in court. 5:40

802. "But if thine eye be evil...." There's nothing worse than an evil eye. 6:23

803. "Behold the fowls of the air...." Jesus says that God feeds them. But, if
so, he does one hell of a lousy job at it. Most birds die before leaving the nest,
and the few who manage to fly soon die painful deaths of starvation,
predation, or disease. If God is caring for them, pray that he stays away from
you. 6:26

804. Ask, and it shall be given you."
Mark Twain said there are "upwards of a thousand lies" in the Bible. But
this is probably the biggest. How many desperate, frightened, broken-hearted
parents have watched their children die while begging God to help? 7:7-8

805. The devils confess that Jesus is the Son of God. According to 1 Jn.4:15
("Whosoever shall confess that Jesus is the Son of God, God dwelleth in him,
and he in God"), then, God dwells in the devils and the devils in God. 8:29

806. After Jesus kills the herd of pigs by sending devils into them, the "whole
city" asks him to leave. I don't blame them. 8:34

807. "Thy faith hath made thee whole."
If you have enough faith, you will never get sick.
(Illness is caused by sin and lack of faith. Medical science is
unnecessary.) 9:22

808. Jesus gives his disciples "power against unclean spirits, to cast them
out, and to heal all manner of sickness." 10:1

809. Jesus tells his disciples to perform all the usual tricks: "heal the sick,
cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, and cast out devils." 10:8

810. Families will be torn apart because of Jesus (this is one of the few
"prophecies" in the Bible that has actually come true). "Brother shall deliver up
the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up
against their parents, and cause them to be put to death." 10:21

811. God is involved in the death of every sparrow. He sees to it that they
each die painful deaths of starvation, predation, or disease. But don't worry.
God will do the same for you. (He thinks that humans are worth much more
than sparrows.) 10:29. 31

812. "Whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my
Father which is in heaven." According to the gospels (Mt.26:69-75, Mk.14:66-
72, Lk.22:55-62, Jn.15:18-27), Peter denied Jesus three times before men.
Therefore Jesus must have denied Peter before God. 10:33

813. John the Baptist is still not sure about Jesus (he's in prison and is soon
to die). He sends his disciples to ask, "Art thou he that should come, or do we
look for another?" Well, if he isn't sure after seeing and hearing the events at
Jesus' baptism, then how can anyone else be? 11:3

814. John the Baptist was the greatest man ever to live (even greater than
Jesus), but "he that is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he."
11:11

815. "And from the days of John the Baptist until now...." Until when? (John
the Baptist was still alive when this verse was supposedly uttered.) Jesus
continues to bewilder his poor disciples by saying, "The kingdom of heaven
suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force." 11:12

816. Jesus believed in the literal truth of the fish story in Jonah. 12:40

817. Jesus predicts that he will be "in the heart of the earth" for three days
and three nights. If by this he meant that he would be in the tomb for three
days and three nights, then either he was mistaken or the gospels are in error.
Because according to the gospels (this is one of the few things they all seem
to agree on), Jesus was in the tomb for only one day and two nights. 12:40

818. When an unclean spirit (whatever that may be) leaves a person's body,
he goes out to find another. Not finding any, he comes back with seven other
spirits more wicked than himself and repossesses the person. 12:43-45

819. Jesus is rejected by those who know him the best -- the people of his
home town of Nazareth. 13:55-57

820. Herod thought Jesus was a resurrected John the Baptist. Apparently, it
was a common opinion at the time (See Mt.16.13-14, Mk.6:14-15, 8:27-28,
Lk.9:7-8, 18-19). If so many of Jesus' contemporaries could be so easily
fooled regarding John the Baptist, what does this do to the credibility of Jesus'
resurrection? 14:1-2

821. "Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea."
Jesus and Peter walk on water. You can too, if you have more than a little
faith. 14:25

822. The disciples wonder where they will get the bread to feed four
thousand. But they should know by now, since Jesus just did the same trick in
14:14-21. These stories are probably the result of two oral versions of the
same fictitious story. 15:33

823. Opinions were divided regarding the identity of Jesus, but many thought
that he was the risen John the Baptist. The fact that people could be so easily
fooled regarding the Baptist's "resurrection" casts doubt on the resurrection of
Jesus. 16:14

824. When Peter expressed his dismay when Jesus announced his coming
death, Jesus said to him "Get thee behind me, Satan" -- a fine way to address
his holiness, the first pope! 16:23

825. "Whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life
for my sake shall find it."
If you want to stay alive, you must lose your life (kill yourself?) for Jesus'
sake. 16:25

826. Jesus says that Elijah, whom he believes is John the Baptist, will come
and "restore all things." But what things did John the Baptist restore? 17:11

827. If your faith is great enough, you can move mountains around. 17:20

828. Jesus tells Peter to pay his taxes with a coin that he'll find in the mouth
of the first fish that he catches from the sea. 17:27

829. "There be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the
kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it."
Dangerous words from a guy who recommends cutting of body parts if they
cause you to sin (Mt.5:29-30, Mt.18:8-9, Mk.9:43-48). It might make someone
castrate himself so that he could be one of the 144,000 male virgins, who
alone will make it to heaven (Rev.14:3-4). 19:12

830. Jesus lists the "ten commandments," but his list has only six, and the
sixth is not one of the ten. The commandments given by Jesus are secular,
not religious, in nature. 19:18

831. Rich people don't go to heaven. For as Jesus says, "It is easier for a
camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the
kingdom of God. 19:23

832. Jesus tells his apostles, "ye shall sit upon the twelve thrones, judging
the twelve tribes of Israel." I wonder which tribe Judas is judging? 19:28

833. Matthew has Jesus ride into Jerusalem sitting on both an ass and a colt
(must have taken some practice!). 21:2-7

834. Jesus curses a fig tree and the tree dies immediately (showing the world
how much God Hates Figs). But in Mark's gospel (11:14, 20-21) the cursed fig
tree doesn't die until the next morning. 21:19-20

835. If your faith is great enough, you can not only kill fig trees but move
mountains around, too. Whatever you ask for you will receive. (O Lord, won't
ya buy me a Mercedes-Benz?) 21:21-22
836. If you see the abomination of desolation in the holy place, try to
understand. God is trying to say something. 24:15

837. "Let them which be in Judea flee into the mountains." Why? Can't God
find and kill them there, too? 24:16

838. Jesus says there will be "false Christs" that will "show great signs and
wonders." Well, Jesus himself according to Acts 2:22 fits this description.
24:24

839. Jesus tells his disciples to eat his body and drink his blood. 26:26-28

840. "I will not drink henceforth of this fruit of the vine, until that day when I
drink it new with you in my Father's kingdom."
WooHoo! There will be wine to drink in heaven. 26:29

841. The phrase "unto this day" shows that the gospel of Matthew was written
long after the events it describes. 27:8, 28:15

842. When Jesus died, "the graves were opened; and many bodies of the
saints" arose. But they stayed in their graves until Jesus rose from the dead,
when they began to walk around, appearing to many in Jerusalem. 27:53-54

843. "He is risen."
Jesus came back to life after being dead for a while. 28:6

844. Even some of Jesus' apostles doubted that the allegedly risen Christ
was really Jesus. Well if they weren't sure, how could we ever be? 28:17

Mark

845. "Unclean spirits" confess that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh. If 1
Jn.4:2 is true, then these "unclean spirits" are of God. 1:23-24

846. Jesus rebukes the "unclean spirit" for saying that Jesus is "the holy one
of God." 1:25

847. Jesus casts out more devils and tells them not to reveal who he is. 1:32-
34

848. More "unclean spirits" confess that Jesus is "the son of God." 1 Jn.4:2
says that all such spirits are of God. 3:11

849. Although the disciples weren't sure about Jesus even after his alleged
resurrection, the "unclean spirits" knew that he was "the son of God." But
Jesus told them not to tell anyone. 3:11-12

850. Jesus gives his apostles the power to heal sickness and "cast out
devils." 3:15
851. Jesus' friends think he is insane. 3:21

852. The scribes think that Jesus casts out devils by the power of the p rince
of devils, Beelzebub. 3:22

853. A man possessed with "an unclean spirit" recognizes Jesus as the son
of God. According to 1 Jn.4:2, 15, this man must have been "of God." 5:7

854. Jesus sends devils into 2000 pigs, causing them to jump off a cliff and
be drowned in the sea. When the people hear about it, they beg Jesus to
leave. 5:12-13

855. "A certain woman ... had an issue of blood twelve years...."
So this is where all those phony faith-healing stories came from! Notice
that the doctors made her condition worse, but she was instantly cured by
faith. 5:25-29

856. "Virtue had gone out of him."
Jesus loses some virtue whenever sick women touch him. 5:30

857. "Thy faith hath made thee whole." If you have enough faith, you will
never get sick. (Illness is caused by sin and lack of faith. Medical science is
unnecessary.) 5:34

858. Jesus is rejected by those who knew him the best, the people from his
home town of Nazareth. 6:3

859. "And he could do there no mighty work." 6:5

860. Jesus sends out his apostles, two by two, to cast out "unclean spirits."
6:7

861. "And they cast out many devils, and anointed with oil many that were
sick, and healed them." 6:13

862. There was much disagreement and confusion about Jesus' identity.
Some thought he was Elijah or one of the prophets. And some (like Herod in
this verse) thought he was the risen John the Baptist, even though John had
just recently died and the people must have known what he looked like. 6:14-
15

863. "An evil eye ... defile the man." 7:22-23

864. Jesus puts his fingers in a deaf man's ears, then spits and touches the
deaf man's tongue. 7:33

865. The disciples ought to know by now where they can get enough food to
feed a few thousand. After all, Jesus had just done it before (6:34-44). This
"doublet" was probably the result of two oral traditions of the same event. 8:4
866. Jesus spits on a blind man's eyes. 8:23

867. Jesus' spit did not completely cure the blind. So Jesus tried again. He
put his hands on the man's eyes and, this time, the blind man "saw every man
clearly." 8:24-25

868. There were various opinions about the identity of Jesus. Some thought
he was Elijah or one of the prophets. And many thought he was a risen John
the Baptist. With credulity like that just about anyone could later be passed off
as the risen Christ. 8:27-28

869. "Get thee behind me, Satan." When Peter expressed his dismay about
Jesus' coming death, Jesus said to him "Get thee behind me, Satan" -- a fine
way to address his holiness, the first pope! 8:33

870. Jesus heals a boy with "a dumb spirit" by saying, "Thou dumb and deaf
spirit, I charge thee, come out of him and enter no more into him." (Sounds
like a script from Monty Python, doesn't it?) But how could a deaf spirit hear
the words spoken to it? And how could a dumb spirit cry out? 9:17, 25-26

871. "All things are possible to him that believeth." 9:23

872. The disciples saw some others that they didn't know "casting out devils"
in Jesus' name. (It was a popular sport back in those days.) 9:38

873. Immortal worms: "Where their worm dieth not" 9:44, 46, 48

874. Jesus implies that he is neither good nor God. 10:18

875. When Jesus lists the Ten Commandments, he only mentions five -- the
humanistic ones that make no mention of God. He also gives one that is not
included in the so-called Ten Commandments: "defraud not." 10:19

876. Jesus says that rich people cannot go to heaven. For "it is easier for a
camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the
kingdom of God. 10:25

877. Jesus kills a fig tree for not bearing figs, even though it was out of
season. He did this to show the world how much God hates figs. 11:13-14

878. If you do "not doubt in your heart" you can cast a mountain into the sea
(or kill a fig tree, or whatever). 11:23-24

879. "In those days ... the moon shall not give her light, and the stars of
heaven shall fall." Of course this is nonsense. The billions of stars will never
fall to earth and the moon does not produce its own light. 13:24-25

880. Jesus says that heaven won't last forever. 13:31
881. There are some things that Jesus doesn't know -- like when the end of
the world will come. 13:32

882. Jesus tells his disciples to eat his body and drink his blood. 14:22-24

883. One of the followers of Jesus was a young, nearly naked man who
dropped his linen cloth and "fled from them naked" when the priests came to
arrest Jesus. 14:51-52

884. "He is risen."
Jesus came back to life after being dead for a while. 16:6

885. "After that he appeared in another form."
Jesus transformed himself into a different form, appearing as a completely
different person. (Maybe the disciples saw another person and assumed it
was Jesus.) 16:12

886. The true followers of Christ routinely perform the following tricks: 1) cast
out devils, 2)speak in tongues, 3) take up serpents, 4) drink poisons without
harm, and 5) cure the sick by touching them. 16:17-18

Luke

887. "He shall be filled with the Holy Ghost, even from his mother's womb."
John the Baptist was "filled with the Holy Ghost" even as a fetus! 1:15

888. God strikes Zacharias dumb for doubting the angel Gabriel's words. 1:20

889. John the Baptist, while still a fetus, leaped for joy when he heard the
voice of Mary. 1:44

890. How could an omniscient being "increase in wisdom"? And how could
God increase "in favour with God."? 2:52

891. In Luke's gospel, God addresses Jesus directly saying, "Thou art my
beloved son." But Matthew (3:17) has God speak to those witnessing Jesus'
baptism, by saying: "This is my beloved son." Whatever the exact wording, it
is strange that after witnessing this even, John the Baptist is still unsure about
Jesus (Mt.11:2-3, Lk.7:19). 3:22

892. The devil takes Jesus to the top of a mountain and shows him "all the
kingdoms of the world." I guess the world was flat in those days. 4:5

893. Devils crawl out of people proclaiming that Jesus is "Christ the Son of
God." According to 1 Jn.4:2, 15, these devils were "of God." 4:41

894. Jesus heals people that are "vexed with unclean spirits." 6:18

895. Invite someone that has hit you to do it again, and if someone steals
from you offer them something additional. Don't turn down any borrowers (Do
Christian bankers follow this one?), and when you loan something don't ask
for it back. 6:29-30

896. "And he that was dead sat up, and began to speak." 7:12-15

897. John the Baptist, who is about to die, is still unsure about Jesus. He
sends his disciples to Jesus asking: "Art thou he that should come? or look we
for another?" Well, if he's not sure, how can anyone else be? 7:19

898. Jesus cures those with "evil spirits." 7:21

899. Jesus removes seven devils from the body of Mary Magdalene. 8:2

900. "Thy faith hath made thee whole."
If you have enough faith, you will never get sick.
(Illness is caused by sin and lack of faith. Medical science is
unnecessary.) 8:48

901. Jesus gives his disciples "power and authority over all devils." 9:1

902. There were various opinions about the identity of Jesus. Some thought
he was Elijah or one of the prophets; others that he was the risen John the
Baptist. With such a credulous populace, is it surprising that some people
would later claim, and probably even believe, that they had seen the risen
Christ? 9:7-8

903. Jesus falsely predicts that some of his listeners would live to see him
return and establish the kingdom of God. 9:27

904. Jesus raises Moses and Elijah from the dead and has a conversation
with them. 9:30

905. Epilepsy is caused by devils. 9:39-42

906. James and John ask Jesus if they can call down fire from heaven to
consume the Samaritans who didn't much care for Jesus' teaching. They'd
like to kill people the way Elijah did. But shucks, Jesus won't let them. 9:54

907. The disciples are thrilled that "even the devils are subject" to them.
10:17-18

908. "I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions ... and
nothing shall by any means hurt you." 10:19

909. Jesus thanks God that only the ignorant and foolish will listen to him.
10:21

910. People who cannot speak are possessed with devils. 11:14
911. Jesus says it is impossible to get rid of unclean spirits. If you manage to
evict one, he'll soon return with seven others "more wicked than himself" and
you'll be worse off than you were before. So just learn to live with whatever
unclean spirits that are currently possessing you. 11:24-26

912. Jesus thinks that eyes can be evil. 11:34

913. Jesus calls his critics fools, thus making himself, by his own standards
(Mt.5:22), worthy of "hell fire." 11:40

914. Jesus tells his followers to sell everything they own and give the money
to the poor. 12:33

915. "That which is highly esteemed among men [love, wisdom, honesty,
courage, truth, beauty, etc.] is an abomination in the sight of God." 16:15

916. Those with little faith can pluck trees up by their roots and cast them into
the sea. 17:6

917. Jesus believes the story of Noah's ark. I guess you should too. 17:27

918. Jesus also believes the story about Noah's flood and Sodom's
destruction. He says, "even thus shall it be in the day the son of man is
revealed ... Remember Lot's wife." This tells us about Jesus' knowledge of
science and history. 17:29-32

919. "Thou knowest the commandments." But apparently Jesus didn't, since
he only named five of the Ten Commandments. (Notice that the five on Jesus'
list are the secular ones that make no mention of God.) 18:20

920. Rich people cannot go to heaven. "For it is easier for a camel to go
through a needle's eye, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God."
18:25

921. Dead people have no God. 20:38

922. Jesus says that everyone will hate Christians, and some Christians will
be killed, yet no Christian will be harmed in any way. 21:16-18

923. "And there shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon, and in the stars."
21:25

924. "That ye may ... sit on thrones judging the twelve tribes of Israel."
Which tribe will Judas judge? 22:30

925. "He that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one." (Have
you bought your Jesus sword yet?) 22:36
926. Jesus tells the "good thief" that they will both be in heaven "today." But
how can that be since it's only Friday and, according to the gospels, Jesus lay
dead in the tomb Friday night and all day Saturday. 23:43

927. "He ... is risen."
Jesus came back to life after being dead for a while. 24:6

928. When Mary Magdalene and the other women gave their account of the
resurrection to the apostles "their words seemed to them as idle tales, and
they believed them not." 24:11

929. Two of Jesus' disciples failed to recognize him after his supposed
resurrection. Maybe that was because the person they saw wasn't really
Jesus. 24:16

John

930. John baptizes Jesus and declares him to be "the Son of God." But later,
as he is about to be beheaded, John is no longer sure what to think about
Jesus. So he sends his own disciples to ask, "Art thou he that should come, or
do we look for another?" (Mt.11:3) Well, if he isn't sure after seeing and
hearing the events at Jesus' baptism, then how can anyone else be? 1:29-35

931. Jesus' first miracle was to turn water into wine. 2:9

932. Whoever enters a pool after it is stirred up by angels will be cured of
"whatsoever disease he had." 5:4

933. Jesus believes people are crippled by God as a punishment for sin. He
tells a crippled man, after healing him, to "sin no more, lest a worse thing
come unto thee." 5:14

934. "All that are in the graves shall hear his voice." 5:28

935. Jesus claims that Moses wrote about him. Where? It's a shame he didn't
give us chapter and verse. 5:46

936. "They see Jesus walking on the sea." 6:19

937. The people of Nazareth, who knew Jesus well, did not believe in him.
6:42

938. Jesus says we must eat his flesh and drink his blood if we want to have
eternal life. This idea was just too gross for "many of his disciples" and
"walked no more with him." 6:53-66

939. Jesus chose "a devil" for an apostle. Oh well, everyone makes mistakes.
6:70

940. Even Jesus' family didn't believe in him. 7:5
941. Jesus accuses people of trying to kill him. But they say to him, "Thou
hast a devil: who goeth about to kill thee?" 7:19-20

942. "We be not born of fornication" -- implying that Jesus was. 8:41

943. After Jesus makes the foolish claim that those who believe in him will
never die, his listeners reply, "now we know that thou hast a devil." 8:52

944. Jesus spits on the ground, mixes his spit with the dirt, and rubs the
muddy spit on a blind man's eyes. 9:6

945. A blind man's sight is restored by washing in the pool of Siloam. 9:7

946. "All that ever came before me are thieves and robbers." All the prophets,
kings, and heroes of the Old Testament; everyone that ever lived before him
was a thief and a robber. 10:8

947. Many of those who saw Jesus firsthand thought he was mad and
possessed by a devil. 10:10

948. "Lazarus, come forth. And he that was dead came forth." 11:43

949. You must hate your life in order to keep it. (If you love your life, you'll go
to hell after you die.) 12:25

950. Those who believe in Jesus will be able to perform even greater
miracles than he did! 14:2

951. Jesus says that whatever you ask either him or his father for you will
receive. Now how's that for a big lie? 14:13-14, 15:7, 15:16, 16:23

952. Now that Jesus has come, non-believers have no excuse for not
believing in him. 15:22

953. "She [Mary Magdalene] ... knew not that it was Jesus." (Maybe it wasn't
Jesus.) 20:14

954. "When the doors were shut ... came Jesus and stood in the midst."
After his resurrection, Jesus could walk through walls. 20:19, 26

955. Peter is caught fishing naked. 21:7

Acts

956. Those who heard the apostles speaking in tongues thought they were
drunk. 2:13

957. Peter says that their strange behavior (speaking in tongues, etc.) was to
be expected since they were living in "the last days." 2:17
958. "The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood."
It happens with every solar or lunar eclipse. 2:20

959. Jesus did a little time in hell. I'm not sure what for. 2:31

960. The early Christians were the first communists, living a life that was the
exact opposite of George Bush's "ownership society." 2:44-45

961. "Peter and John ... were unlearned and ignorant men." 4:13

962. The sick were healed just by touching the shadow of Peter. 5:15-16

963. A group of Christian communists were released from jail by an angel.
5:19

964. It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a
journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 7:36,
13:18

965. Philip made "unclean spirits" scream as they left the bodies of the
people they possessed. 8:7

966. The Spirit caught Philip and transported him to a city miles away. 8:39-
40

967. Peter raises Tabitha from the dead. 9:36-40

968. Peter has a dream in which God show him "wild beasts, and creeping
things, and fowls." The voice (God's?) says, "Rise, Peter: kill and eat." 10:10-
13

969. Sick people are oppressed by the devil. 10:38

970. Peter describes the vision that he had in the last chapter (10:10-13). All
kinds of beasts, creeping things, and fowls drop down from the sky in a big
sheet, and a voice (God's, Satan's?) tells him to "Arise, Peter; slay and eat."
11:5-6

971. Open Sesame
"They came unto the iron gate that leadeth unto the city; which opened to
them of his own accord." 12:10

972. "It is his angel."
The Christians pray for Peter, but when he shows up, they don't believe it.
They think he was "his angel" instead. (Everyone has an angel that looks just
like them.) 12:12-15

973. "And the people gave a shout, saying, It is the voice of a god, and not of
a man."
When Herod gave his speech the people shouted, "It is the voice of God,
and not a man." 12:20

974. "Then the deputy, when he saw what was done, believed."
When the deputy saw that God could (through Paul) make people blind,
he believed. (Who else shows off their power by blinding people?) 13:12

975. David was "a man after [God's] own heart." 13:22

976. The author of Acts talks about the "sure mercies of David." But David
was anything but merciful. For an example of his behavior see 2 Sam.12:31
and 1 Chr.20:3, where he saws, hacks, and burns to death the inhabitants of
several cities. 13:34

977. The people of Lystra thought Paul and Barnabas were the gods, Jupiter
and Mercurius. 14:11-12

978. Paul "was forbidden of the Holy Ghost to preach the word in Asia." 16:6

979. Paul meets "a certain damsel possessed with a spirit of divination."
16:16

980. Paul and Silas were rescued by an earthquake that opened all the doors
of the prison. The same thing happens in The Da Vinci Code where the
character involved even receives a new name (Silas) to commemorate the
event. 16:26

981. The philosophers in Athens considered Paul a "babbler" who
worshipped strange gods. 17:18

982. Paul, a guy who converted to Christianity because he heard voices, calls
the Greeks too darned superstitious. Talk about the pot calling the kettle
black! 17:22

983. God winked at ignorance. 17:30

984. "The school of Tyrannus" is the only school that is ever mentioned in the
Bible. 19:9

985. After only two years of preaching, everyone in Asia had heard the word
of the Lord! 19:10

986. Sick people were cured by touching the handkerchief or apron of Paul.
And the evil spirits when out of them." 19:12

987. Evil spirits know Jesus and Paul. They also jump on people and strip
them of their clothes. 19:15-16

988. A great multitude cry out "all with one voice" for two hours saying, "Great
is Diana of the Ephesians." 19:34
989. Eutychus was the first casualty of many long boring sermons. But Paul
raised him back to life by falling on and embracing him. 20:9-12

990. "A certain prophet, named Agabus ... took Paul's girdle, and bound his
own hands an feet." 21:10-11

991. Paul, that "pestilent fellow," is described as a "ringleader of the sect of
Nazarenes." 24:5

992. Paul is bitten by a poisonous snake and yet lives. The "barbarians" who
were shipwrecked with him thought he must be a murderer since he was
bitten; but then they changed their minds and thought him to be a god since
he didn't die. 28:3-6

993. By praying and touching the sick people of Malta, Paul cures them of
their diseases. 28:8-9

994. The Jews of Rome refer to Paul's religion as a sect. 28:22

Romans

995. Atheists have dark and foolish hearts. 1:21

996. Paul asks the very good question: "Is there unrighteousness who taketh
vengeance [upon innocent people]?" The obvious answer to this is, yes. Paul
then quickly adds, "I speak as a man." What else could he speak as? A
donkey or a god, perhaps? 3:5

997. Paul says that Abraham needed God's help to father Isaac when he was
100 years old. But Abraham, when he was even older, managed to father six
more children with a new wife without any divine assistance (Gen.21:2, 25:1-
2). 4:19

998. The guilty are "justified" and "saved from wrath" by the blood of an
innocent victim. 5:9

999. God punishes everyone for someone else's sin; then he saves them by
killing an innocent victim. 5:12

1000. God gave the law so "that the offence might abound." 5:20

1001. There is nothing good about Paul. 7:18

1002. God intercedes with God by talking to, and sometimes even arguing
with, himself. 8:27

1003. "All things work together for good to them that love God."
One of the greatest and most absurd lies in all of scripture. 8:28
1004. Paul says that everyone, even in his day, had the gospel preached to
them. Even the Native Americans, Asians, Pacific Islanders? 10:18

1005. "Rulers are not a terror to good works, but to the evil."
If you behave yourself, no king or government will mistreat you. 13:3

1006. It is wrong to borrow money. 13:8

1007. Only wimps are vegetarians. 14:2

1 Corinthians

1008. Poor Paul is confused. First he says that he baptized no one. Well,
except for Crispus and Gaius. And maybe Stephanus and his household. He
can't remember if he did it to anyone else. 1:14-16

1009. God saves fools and is pleased with their foolishness. 1:21

1010. God has "chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise."
1:27

1011. If you are to be a good Christian you must try to know nothing (except
for Jesus, of course). 2:2-5

1012. Paul establishes his own cult (Christianity) by telling others to follow
him. 4:16

1013. A believer should not sue another believer in court. 6:6-7

1014. Paul asks if he should "take the members of Christ, and make them
members of an harlot?" He further asks, "Know ye not that he which is joined
to an harlot is one body?" 6:15-16

1015. "But to the rest speak I, not the Lord." Really? So this stuff is in
scripture but is not inspired by God? 7:12

1016. Paul says those who are circumcised should "not become
uncircumcised." (It's pretty hard to undo.) 7:18

1017. Slaves should not desire their freedom. Yet they should not be the
servants of men. 7:21, 23

1018. "Now concerning virgins I have no commandment of the Lord: yet I give
my judgment." So this is just Paul's opinion and is not divinely inspired
scripture? 7:25

1019. Paul, like Jesus and the other New Testament writers, expects the end
to come soon. "The time is short." So there's no time for sex or marriage since
the world will be ending soon. 7:29
1020. Don't be an idolater. If you become one, God will make you sit down to
eat and then rise up to play. 10:7

1021. If you tempt Christ (How could you tempt Christ?), you'll will die from
snake bites. 10:9

1022. If you murmur, you'll be destroyed by the destroyer (God). 10:10

1023. Gentiles sacrifice to devils. If you have gentile friends, then you are
friends with devils. 10:20

1024. In Galatians (1:10) Paul says, "If I yet pleased men, I should not be the
servant of Christ." In this verse he says, "I please all men in all things."
Therefore Paul is not the servant of Christ. 10:33

1025. Paul says that everyone should follow him -- not Jesus. He'll take care
of all that for you. 11:1

1026. Every man who prays or prophesies while wearing a hat dishonors his
head. 11:4

1027. God likes short hair on men and long hair on women. 11:13-15

1028. Those who eat and drink unworthily often get sick and die. 11:30

1029. "Whether there be prophecies, they shall fail."
Paul prophesies that all prophecies will fail. But since this itself is a
prophecy, it also will fail (if the prophecy is correct), making it a false
prophecy. 13:8

1030. "But if any man be ignorant, let him be ignorant." 14:38

1031. "He was seen of Cephas, then of the twelve."
But Judas hanged himself (Matthew 27:3-5) and Matthias was not elected
(Acts 1:9-26) until after the ascension. 15:5

1032. This is the verse that the Mormons use to justify their belief in the
baptism of the dead. 15:29

1033. Paul shows his ignorance (and God's) of biology by saying that only
dead seeds will germinate. Actually, a seed must be alive to germinate. 15:36

2 Corinthians

1034. Saved people smell good to God. 2:15

1035. If Paul is crazy, it's God's fault; If he's sane, it's yours. 5:13

1036. Jesus, who was without sin, was made into sin. This made the real
sinners sinless. 5:21
1037. Bear with me a little in my folly. 11:1

"As the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtilty"
Paul believed the silly talking snake story in Genesis 3. 11:3

1038. Paul set an example for televangelists by robbing some churches. 11:8

1039. "I speak as a fool." 11:23

1040. There were these guys that Paul once knew, but he just can't remember
whether it was in or out of the body. It was sort of an out of body experience.
Anyway, one of these guys was way up in the third heaven and the other guy
was in paradise. Cool, eh? 12:2-3

1041. "I am become a fool in glorying; ye have compelled me." 12:11

1042. "Being crafty, I [Paul] caught you with guile." 12:16

1043. Are you a reprobate? Here's the test: if you know for sure that Jesus is
in you, you're not a reprobate. Otherwise you are. 13:5

1044. Greet one another with an holy kiss. 13:12

Galatians

1045. Jesus was cursed by God. 3:13

1046. "I would they were even cut off which trouble you."
Gosh, that doesn't sound very nice. But I wonder what Paul meant by "cut
off". The New Revised Standard Version translates this verse as: "I wish those
who unsettle you would castrate themselves!" 5:12

1047. "See how large a letter I have written unto you with mine own hand."
Paul was proud of his large handwriting. 6:11

Ephesians

1048. The bloody death of Jesus smelled good to God. 5:2

1049. Those who engage in "foolish talking" or "jesting" will not go to heaven.
(Guess where they will be going.) 5:4-5

Philippians

1050. "Beware of dogs." 3:2

1051. Believe whatever Paul tells you to believe, think whatever he tells you
to think, and do whatever he tells you to do. 4:9
1052. "My God shall supply all your need." 4:19

Colossians

1053. "The gospel ... was preached to every creature under heaven." 1:23

1054. "Rejoice in my sufferings for you, and fill up that which is behind of the
afflictions of Christ in my flesh."
The suffering Jesus was not sufficient to satisfy God's wrath, so the Paul
(or whoever wrote Colossians) had to make up for what as lacking with his
own sufferings. 1:24

1055. "Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy." 2:8

1 Thessalonians

1056. Paul, with his usual modesty, proclaims that he is holy, just, and
blameless. 2:10

1057. Paul would have arrived earlier, but Satan hindered him. 2:18

2 Thessalonians

1058. Jesus will "consume" the wicked "with the spirit of his mouth." 2:8

1059. Satan, not God, is all-powerful. 2:9

1 Timothy

1060. "Neither give heed to fables and endless genealogies." If we follow this
advice we would ignore most of the Bible -- especially the genealogies found
in Gen.10, 1 Chr.1-9, Mt.1, and Lk.3. 1:4

1061. "Hymenaeus and Alexander; whom I have delivered unto Satan, that
they may learn not to blaspheme." Apparently (see 2 Tim.2:16-18 and 4:14-
15) their "blasphemy" was disagreeing with Paul. 1:20

1062. "A bishop must be ... the husband of one wife." Apparently, it's OK for
laymen to have several. 3:2

1063. "In the latter times some shall depart from the faith" by becoming
vegetarians. 4:1-4

1064. "Every creature of God is good."
Even guinea worms?

1065. "Bodily exercise profiteth little." 4:8

1066. Paul advises us to stop drinking water. Rather, he says that we should
drink wine for our "stomach's" sakes. 5:23
2 Timothy

1067. The devil can take us captive any time he pleases. 2:26

1068. "All scripture is given by the inspiration of God." Even Judges 19:22-30
and Ezek. 23:20? 3:16

Titus

1069. The people of Crete are "always liars, evil beasts, slow bellies." 1:12

1070. Disregard "Jewish fables and commandments of men, that turn from the
truth." Like most of the bible, maybe? 1:14

1071. "The grace of God ... hath appeared to all men." At the time this
statement was written, only a very small minority had seen or heard about
Jesus. And still today there are those who have never heard his name. 2:11

1072. "Avoid ... genealogies." Like Gen.10, 1 Chr.1-9, and Lk.3? 3:9

Philemon

1073. "The bowels of the saints are refreshed by thee, brother." 1:7

1074. Paul asks Philemon to receive Onesimus just as though he were Paul's
very "own bowels." 1:12

1075. "Refresh my bowels in the Lord." Amen 1:20

Hebrews

1076. God swears to God. 6:13

1077. Melchisedec had no father or mother. He just appeared ready-made by
God. 7:1-3

1078. The heroes of faith (Samson, Jephthah, David, and Samuel) 11:32

1079. God always hurts the ones he loves. And if God doesn't hurt you, they
you are a bastard, not a son. 12:6-8

1080. Be hospitable to strangers for "thereby some have entertained angels."
13:2

James

1081. "If any of you lack wisdom ... ask of God ... and it shall be given him."
This is the verse that set the 14-year-old Joseph Smith off to found the
Mormon Church. That is just an example of the type of wisdom God can give
you. 1:5

1082. James says that, even in his day, all beasts, birds, serpents, and sea
creatures had been tamed by humans. 3:7

1083. If you are sick, rely on the power of prayer. It works every time. 5:14-15

1084. By praying, Elias was able to keep it from raining for three and a half
years. 5:17

1 Peter

1085. "The precious blood of Christ ... was foreordained before the foundation
of the world."
God planned to kill Jesus from the get-go. 1:19-20

1086. The devil is like a lion who wanders around looking for people to eat.
5:8

2 Peter

1087. The "angels that sinned" are the sons of God that had sex with human
females to produce a race of giants. (See Gen.6:4) 2:4

1088. Noah was the first drunken preacher (Gen.9:20). 2:5

1089. Lot, who in Gen.19:8 offers his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel
rapers and later(19:30-38) impregnates them, was a "righteous man." 2:8

1090. The author of 2 Peter believes the story in Numbers (22:28-30) about
the talking ass. 2:16

1091. The author of 2 Peter is aware of the failed expectations of early
believers. He knows that Jesus, who was to come soon, didn't come at all.
Many have begun to ask, "Where is the promise of his coming?" He tries to
cover for Jesus by claiming that "one day with the Lord is as a thousand
years." 3:4

1092. Paul's epistles are hard to understand. And that those who try to
understand them, as with the other scriptures, do so "unto their own
destruction." 3:16

1 John

1093. Christians are washed in the blood of Jesus. 1:7

1094. John thinks he is living in "the last times." He "knows" this because he
sees so many antichrists around. 2:18
1095. Whoever denies "that Jesus is the Christ" is a liar and an antichrist. If
so, then there are about four billion antichrists now living. 2:22

1096. John says that whoever sins is "of the devil." But if what he said in 1:8,
10 is true, then everyone is "of the devil." 3:8

1097. How's this for a big lie? "Whatsoever we ask, we receive of him." 3:22

1098. John says that all spirits that say Jesus is the Christ are of God. If so,
then the "unclean spirits" in Mark's gospel (1:23-24, 3:11, 5:7) must have been
of God. 4:2, 4:15, 5:1

1099. John says that the antichrist was already present at the time 1 John
was written. So Pat Robertson must be wrong when he says the antichrist is a
Jewish man that is alive today. 4:3

1100. "God is love." See 1 Sam.15:2-3 for an example of what this type of
love can do. 4:8, 16

1101. You're not living unless you've got Jesus. 5:12

1102. "There is a sin unto death." (But nobody knows what it is.) 5:16

1103. Christians are "of God;" everyone else is wicked. 5:19

2 John

1104. Non-Christians are deceivers and antichrists. 7

1105. "Whosoever ... abideth not in the doctrine of Christ, hath not God." 9

3 John

1106. "He that doeth good is of God: but he that doeth evil hath not seen
God." Of course it's not nearly this simple. There are many good atheists and
bad theists. Take Moses, for example. Moses supposedly spoke to God face
to face (Ex.33:11), yet look what he did in Numbers 31. 11

Jude

1107. The angels that Jude refers to here are the "sons of God" that had sex
with human females to produce a race of giants. 6

1108. Michael the Archangel argued with the devil about the body of Moses. 9

1109. "To convince all that are ungodly among them of all their ungodly deeds
which they have ungodly committed, and of all their hard speeches which
ungodly sinners have spoken against him." (Ungodly was the author of Jude's
favorite word.) 16
Revelation

1110. Jesus has white hair, eyes of fire, feet of brass, and has a sword
sticking out of his mouth. 1:13-16

1111. The book of Revelation was written for, and addressed to, various
angels. 2:1, 8, 12, 18; 3:1, 7, 14

1112. He (John or Jesus) knows "even where Satan's seat is." Wow! 2:13

1113. Repent -- or else Jesus will fight you with the sword that sticks out of his
mouth. (Like the limbless knight in Monty Python's "Holy Grail.") 2:16

1114. John repeats his description of Jesus, saying he has eyes of fire and
feet of brass. 2:18

1115. "I am he which searcheth the reins and hearts."
Jesus will search your kidneys 2:23

1116. God has seven spirits. (Counting the Holy Spirit?) 3:1, 4:5, 5:6

1117. God recommends that you wear "white raiment" so that "the shame of
thy nakedness do not appear." 3:18

1118. John sees four beasts, each with six wings and "full of eyes." 4:6-8

1119. John sees a dead lamb with seven horns and seven eyes. He explains
that the seven eyes "are the seven spirits of God." 5:6

1120. "And the four beasts said, Amen." 5:14

1121. The sixth seal is opened and there is a great earthquake, the sun
becomes black, and the moon red, the stars fall from heaven, and mountains
and islands move around. 6:12-14

1122. God tells his murderous angels to "hurt not the earth, neither the sea,
nor the trees, till we have sealed the servants of your God on their foreheads."
This verse is one that Christians like to use to show God's loving concern for
the environment. But the previous verse (7:2) makes it clear that it was their
God-given job to "hurt the earth and the sea" just as soon as they finished
their forehead marking job. 7:3

1123. 144,000 Jews will be going to heaven; everyone else is going to hell.
7:4

1124. Those that survive the great tribulation will get to wash their clothes in
the blood of the lamb. 7:14
1125. An angel threw the censer down to earth, causing thunder, lightning,
and earthquakes. 8:5

1126. "And there fell a great star from heaven, burning as it were a lamp, and
it fell upon the third part of the rivers, and upon the fountains of waters." In the
bible, stars are just little lights that can fall to t he ground from the sky. 8:10

1127. The fourth trumpet smites one third of the sun, moon, and stars. 8:12

1128. An angel flies through heaven screaming, "Woe, woe, woe to the
inhabiters of the earth." 8:13

1129. The fifth trumpet sounds and another star falls from heaven. The angel
is given the key to a bottomless pit, containing smoke and powerful locusts.
9:1

1130. God makes some horse-like locusts with human heads, women's hair,
lion's teeth, and scorpion's tails. They sting people and hurt them for five
months. 9:7-10

1131. Four angels, with an army of 200 million, killed a third of the earth's
population. 9:15-19

1132. An angel tells John to eat a book. He does, and it tastes good, but it
makes his belly bitter. 10:10

1133. Anyone that messes with God's two olive trees and two candlesticks
(God's witnesses) will be burned to death by fire that comes out of their
mouths. 11:3-5

1134. God's witnesses have special powers. They can shut up heaven so that
it cannot rain, turn rivers into blood, and smite the earth with plagues "as often
as they will." 11:6

1135. After God's witnesses "have finished their testimony," they are killed in
a war with a beast from a bottomless pit. 11:7

1136. Their dead bodies lie unburied for three and a half days. People will
"rejoice over them and make merry, and shall send gifts to one another." After
another three and half days God brings his witnesses back to life and they
ascend into heaven. 11:8-12

1137. The dragon's tail smacks down to earth one third of the stars. To the
author of Revelation, the stars are just little lights that can fall to the ground
from the sky. 12:4

1138. "And there was a war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against
the dragon." So even in heaven, one can't be safe from war or dragons. 12:7
1139. John sees a sea monster with 7 heads and 10 horns, and with
"blasphemy" written on on each head. It looked like a leopard, except its feet
were like a bear, and its mouth like a lion. 13:1-2

1140. "All the world" worshiped the dragon and the beast. 13:3-4

1141. The beast goes to war against the "saints". He is given power (by God?)
over all nations, and all non-Christians worship him. 13:7-8

1142. "The Lamb slain from the foundation of the world"
God planned to kill Jesus before he created the world. 13:8

1143. John sees another beast coming out of the earth with horns like a lamb
and a voice like a dragon. He could do "great wonders," like make fire come
down from the sky. 13:11-13

1144. The people make an image of the beast that can speak. Anyone who
refuses to worship the image is killed. 13:13-15

1145. John says that wisdom is knowing that the mark of the beast is 666.
Everyone will be marked on their right hand or their forehead with this
number. 13:16-18

1146. Only 144,000 celibate men will be saved. (Those who were not "defiled
with women.") 14:1-4

1147. "One of the four beasts gave unto the seven angels seven golden vials
full of the wrath of God." 15:7

1148. Three frog-like unclean spirits come out of the mouths of the dragon,
beast, and false prophet. They are miracle-working devils that gather kings to
fight in God's upcoming war. 16:13-14

1149. "Blessed is he that watcheth, and keepeth his garments, lest he walk
naked, and they see his shame." 16:15

1150. "A great hall out of heaven, every stone about the weight of a talent"
Since a talent was about 33 kilograms, this would be a new world record.
(The current record holder weighed only 0.75 kg.) 16:21

1151. The great whore has "committed fornication" with all the kings on earth.
Everyone else is "drunk with the wine of her fornication." She sits on a scarlet
colored beast with the usual 7 heads and 10 horns. She carries a cup full of
the "filthiness of her abominations" and has a big sign on her forehead saying:
"Mystery, Babylon the Great, the Mother of Harlots and Abominations of the
Earth." You'll know her when you see her. 17:1-5

1152. "They shall eat her flesh and burn her with fire." (Are they going to eat
her first and then burn her?) 17:16-17
1153. "The four beasts fell down and worshipped God ... saying, Amen;
Alleluia." 19:4

1154. With eyes aflame, many crowns on his head, clothes dripping with
blood, a sword sticking out of his mouth, and a secret name, Jesus leads the
faithful into holy war. 19:12-15

1155. An angel locks up Satan for 1000 years. 20:1-3

1156. "The first resurrection" Those who don't worship the beast will become
priests and reign with Christ for 1000 years. The rest of the dead will remain
dead until the 1000 years is over. 20:4-6

1157. This verse refers to Jesus as the "bright and morning star", as is Lucifer
in Is.14:12. So is Jesus Lucifer? 22:16

1158. Anyone who adds to the words in Revelation (or to the rest of the
Bible?) will be struck with plagues, and anyone that tries to remove anything
from it will have his name removed from the book of life. 22:18-19
Injustice in the Bible
And after all this the LORD smote him in his bowels with an incurable
disease.--2 Chr.21:18

Whenever we read ... the cruel and tortuous executions, the unrelenting
vindictiveness with which more than half the Bible is filled, it would be more
consistent that we call it the word of a demon than the word of God. It is a
history of wickedness that has served to corrupt and brutalize humankind.
And, for my own part, I sincerely detest it, as I detest everything that is cruel.
-- Thomas Paine, The Age of Reason

Genesis

1. God punishes Eve, and all women after her, with the pains of childbirth
and subjection to men. 3:16

2. God likes Abel's dead animals better than Cain's fruits and vegetables.
Why? Well, no reason is given, but it probably has something to do with the
amount of pain, blood, and gore involved. 4:3-5

3. Lamech kills a man and claims that since Cain's murderer would be
punished sevenfold, whoever murders him will be punished seventy-seven
fold. That sounds fair. 4:23-24

4. God is angry. He decides to destroy all humans, beasts, creeping things,
fowls, and "all flesh wherein there is breath of life." He plans to drown them
all. 6:7, 17

5. God repeats his intention to kill "every living substance ... from off the
face of the earth." But why does God kill all the innocent animals? What had
they done to deserve his wrath? It seems God never gets his fill of tormenting
animals. 7:4

6. God drowns everything that breathes air. From newborn babies to koala
bears -- all creatures great and small, the Lord God drowned them all. 7:21-23

7. "Into your hand are they (the animals) delivered." God gave the animals
to humans, and they can do whatever they please with them. This verse has
been used by bible believers to justify all kinds of cruelty to animals and
environmental destruction. 9:2

8. The "just and righteous" Noah (6:9, 7:1) plants a vineyard, gets drunk,
and lies around naked in his tent. His son, Ham, happens to see his father in
this condition. When Noah sobers up and hears "what his young son had
done unto him" (what did he do besides look at him?), he curses not Ham,
who "saw the nakedness of his father," but Ham's son, Canaan. "A servant of
servants shall he [Canaan] be unto his brethren." This is a typical case of
biblical justice, and is one of many Bible passages that have been used to
justify slavery. 9:20-25

9. God sends a plague on the Pharaoh and his household because the
Pharaoh believed Abram's lie. 12:17

10. Hagar conceives, making Sarai jealous. Abram tells Sarai to do to Hagar
whatever she wants. "And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled." 16:6

11. The angel tells Hagar to return and submit to her abusive owner, Sarai.
16:8-9

12. God gives Abraham and his descendants all of the land of Canaan
"forever". This promise is still used to justify the unending battles over the land
in the Middle East. 13:14-15, 17:8

13. God tells Abram that all males must be circumcised, even those whom
Abram had bought with money. There isn't the slightest evidence in this
passage, or in any other in the Bible, that the biblical God disapproves of
slavery. 17:12-13, 23, 27

14. An uncircumcised boy is to be abandoned by his parents and community.
17:14

15. Abraham begs God not to kill everyone in Sodom and Gomorrah. [Which
is odd, since later (Gen.22:2-10) Abraham doesn't even question God's
request that he kill his own son.] asks God two good questions: "Wilt thou
destroy the righteous with the wicked?" and "Shall not the Judge of all the
earth do right?" 18:23-25

16. Lot refuses to give up his angels to the perverted mob, offering his two
"virgin daughters" instead. He tells the bunch of angel rapers to "do unto them
[his daughters] as is good in your eyes." This is the same man that is called
"just" and "righteous" in 2 Peter 2:7-8. 19:8

17. Lot lied about his daughters being "virgins" in 19:8. But it was a "just and
righteous" lie, intended to make them more attractive to the sex-crazed mob.
19:14

18. God kills everyone (men, women, children, infants, newborns) in Sodom
and Gomorrah by raining "fire and brimstone from the Lord out of heaven."
Well, almost everyone -- he spares the "just and righteous" Lot and his
family.19:24

19. Lot's nameless wife looks back, and God turns her into a pillar of salt.
19:26

20. God gets angry with king Abimelech, though the king hasn't even
touched Sarah. He says to the king, "Behold, thou art but a dead man," and
threatens to kill him and all of his people. To compensate for the crime he
never committed, Abimelech gives Abraham sheep, oxen, slaves, silver, and
land. Finally, after Abraham "prayed unto God," God lifts his punishment to
Abimelech, "for the Lord had fast closed up all the wombs of the house of
Abimelech, because of Sarah." 20:3-18

21. God "closed all the wombs" because Abimelech believed Abe's lie. 20:18

22. Sarah, after giving birth to Isaac, gets angry again at Hagar (see
Gen.16:5-6) and tells Abraham to 'cast out this bondwoman and her son."
God commands Abraham to "hearken unto her voice." So Abraham abandons
Hagar and Ishmael, casting them out into the wilderness to die. 21:10-14

23. God orders Abraham to kill Isaac as a burnt offering. Abraham shows his
love for God by his willingness to murder his son. But finally, just before
Isaac's throat is slit, God provides a goat to kill instead. 22:2-13

24. Abraham shows his willingness to kill his son for God. Only an evil God
would ask a father to do that; only a bad father would be willing to do it. 22:10

25. God blessed Abraham by giving him lots of slaves. 24:35

26. Isaac loved Esau because Esau was a hunter and Isaac loved venison.
Rebekah loved Jacob, but God hated Esau (see Romans 9:13). No reason is
given for why one son is loved while the other is hated. But since God chose
to act this way, it must have been as an example for parents to follow. Have
you decided which of your children to hate? 25:28

27. God blessed Isaac (like his father Abraham before him) with many
slaves. 26:12-14

28. Jacob, with coaching from his mother, obtains Isaac's blessing by lying.
God seems to have been fooled as well. 27:19

29. Jacob offers to work for seven years to pay for Rachel. As it turns out, he
is tricked into having sex with her sister, Leah, instead, so he has to work for
another seven years so in order to pay for them both. 29:18-30

30. As part of the deal with Jacob, Zilpah and Bilhah (Laban's slaves) are
handed over to Leah and Rachel. 29:24, 29

31. Laban gives Rachel and Bilhah to Jacob. 29:28

32. Dinah, the daughter of Jacob, is "defiled" by a man who seems to love
her dearly. Her brothers trick all of the men of the town and kill them (after first
having them all circumcised), and then take their wives and children captive.
34:1-31

33. "The terror of God was upon the cities that were round about them." 35:5
34. "And Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the Lord; and the
Lord slew him." What did Er do to elicit God's wrath? The Bible doesn't say.
Maybe he picked up some sticks on Saturday. 38:7

35. After God killed Er, Judah tells Onan to "go in unto they brother's wife."
But "Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and ... when he went in unto
his brother's wife ... he spilled it on the ground.... And the thing which he did
displeased the Lord; wherefore he slew him also." This lovely Bible story is
seldom read in Sunday School, but it is the basis of many Christian doctrines,
including the condemnation of both masturbation and birth control. 38:8-10

36. After Judah pays Tamar for her services, he is told that she "played the
harlot" and "is with child by whoredom." When Judah hears this, he says,
"Bring her forth, and let her be burnt." 38:24

Exodus

37. Moses murders an Egyptian after making sure that no one is looking.
2:11-12

38. Why are some people born with disabilities? Because God deliberately
makes them that way. 4:11

39. God begins the process of "hardening Pharaoh's heart", thus making it
impossible for any of the plagues that God sends to have any beneficial
effect. 4:21
(see also Ex.7:3, 13, 9:12, 10:1, 20, 27, 11:10, 14:4, 8)

40. God threatens to kill Pharaoh's firstborn son. 4:23

41. God decides to kill Moses because his son had not yet been
circumcised. 4:24-26

42. God will make sure that Pharaoh does not listen to Moses, so that he
can kill Egyptians with his armies. 7:4

43. "And the Egyptians shall know that I am the LORD." Who else could be
so cruel and unjust? 7:5, 17

44. God tells Moses and Aaron to smite the river and turn it into blood. This
is the first of the famous 10 plagues of Egypt. 7:17-24

45. The fifth plague: all cattle in Egypt die. 9:2-6

46. The sixth plague: boils and blains upon man and beast. 9:9-12

47. "For I will at this time send all my plagues upon thine heart, and upon thy
servants, and upon thy people; that thou mayest know that there is none like
me in all the earth." Who else but the biblical god could be so cruel? 9:14
48. The seventh plague is hail. "And the hail smote throughout the land of
Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast." 9:22-25

49. These verses clearly show that the mass murder of innocent children by
God was premeditated. 11:4-6 (see 12:29-30)

50. God will kill the Egyptian children to show that he puts "a difference
between the Egyptians and Israel." 11:7

51. God explains to Moses that he intends to "smite all the firstborn in the
land of Egypt, both man and beast. 12:12

52. After God has sufficiently hardened the Pharaoh's heart, he kills all the
firstborn Egyptian children. When he was finished "there was not a house
where there was not one dead." Finally, he runs out of little babies to kill, so
he slaughters the firstborn cattle, too. 12:29-30

53. God encourages the Israelites to steal from the Egyptians. 12:35-36

54. No stranger, foreigner, or uncircumcised person can eat the Passover.
12:43, 45, 48

55. "But every man's servant that is bought for money...." Once again, God
shows his approval of slavery. 12:44

56. To commemorate the divine massacre of the Egyptian children, Moses
instructs the Israelites to "sacrifice to the Lord all that openeth the matrix" -- all
the males, that is. God has no use for dead, burnt female bodies. 13:2, 12, 15

57. After hardening Pharaoh's heart a few more times, God drowns
Pharaoh's army in the sea 14:4-28

58. If you do what God says, he won't send his diseases on you (like he did
to the Egyptians). But otherwise.... 15:26

59. When the people complain to Moses, he tells them they aren't
complaining about him, but about God, making them apostates and heretics,
and therefore deserve severe punishment. Religious leaders have used this
tactic ever since. 16:8

60. After hardening Pharaoh's heart a few more times, God drowns
Pharaoh's army in the sea. 14:4-28

61. God favors Israelites "above all people." 19:5

62. Any person or animal that touches Mt. Sinai shall be stoned to death or
"shot through." Did Moses impose such severe penalties because he feared
that someone might see him fake his meeting with God? 19:12-13
63. Like the great and powerful Wizard of Oz, nobody can see God and live.
19:21

64. "I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers
upon the children unto the third and fourth generation." Any god that would
make such a statement is worse than jealous, although that would be bad
enough. He is cruel and unjust as well. 20:5

65. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ... manservant, nor his maidservant,
nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's." In the Bible,
slaves (servants in the KJV) are the rightful property of slave-owners; they are
his possessions -- like an ox or an ass. 20:17

66. God gives instructions for killing and burning animals. He says that if we
will make such "burnt offerings," he will bless us for it. What kind of mind
would be pleased by the killing and burning of innocent animals? 20:24

67. God sets down the rules regarding Hebrew slaves. You can buy one, but
you must set him free on the seventh year. But if you have "given" him a wife
and she bears children, then you get to keep the wife and kids. If he refuses
to leave his family when his seven years are up, then bore a hole though his
ear and keep him forever. (That sounds fair!) 21:2-6

68. How to sell your daughter -- and what to do if she fails to please her new
master. 21:7-8

69. A child who hits or curses his parents must be executed. 21:15, 17

70. Slavery is approved by God, and those who steal slaves must be killed.
21:16

71. It's OK with God if you slowly beat your slaves to death. After all, they are
your money. 21:20-21

72. "Eye for eye, tooth for tooth." 21:24-25

73. It's okay to beat your slaves; even if they die you won't be punished, just
as long as they survive a day or two after the beating (see verses 21:20-21).
But avoid excessive damage to their eyes or teeth. Otherwise you may have
to set them free. 21:26-27

74. Capital punishment for animals
If an ox gores someone, "then the ox shall surely be stoned." 21:28

75. If an ox gores someone due to the negligence of its owner, then "the ox
shall be stoned, and his owner shall be put to death.". 21:29

76. If an ox gores a slave, the owner of the ox must pay the owner of the
slave 30 shekels of silver, and "the ox shall be stoned." 21:32
77. If a thief is caught and is too poor to make a complete restitution, then he
is to be sold to pay for his theft. 22:3

78. If you "entice" an "unmarried maid" to "lie" with you, then you must marry
her, unless the father refuses to give her to you, in which case you must pay
him the going price for virgins. 22:16

79. "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." Thousands of innocent women
have suffered excruciating deaths because of this verse. 22:18

80. "Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death." Is it really
necessary to kill such people? Couldn't we just send them to counseling or
something? 22:19

81. "He who sacrificeth unto any god, save unto the Lord only, he shall be
utterly destroyed." If this commandment is obeyed, then the four billion people
who do not believe in the biblical god must be killed. 22:20

82. If you make God angry enough, he will kill you and your family with his
own sword. 22:24

83. "The firstborn of thy sons thou shalt give unto me." (As a burnt offering?)
22:29

84. God promises to "send his fear before the Israelites" and to kill everyone
that they encounter when they enter the promised land. 23:27

85. God has hornets that bite and kill people. 23:28

86. Wash up or die. 30:20-21

87. Whoever puts holy oil on a stranger shall be "cut off from his people."
30:33

88. And whoever uses God's favorite perfume will be exiled. 30:37-38

89. Those who break the Sabbath are to be executed. 31:14

90. Aaron makes a golden calf and tells the people to take off their clothes
and dance around naked. God then punishes them mercilessly for following
their divinely appointed religious leader. 32:1-35

91. "And the Lord repented of the evil which he though to do unto his
people." But how could a good God even consider doing evil to anyone?
32:14

92. Moses burned the golden calf, ground it into powder, and then forced it
down the throats of all the people. 32:20
93. God orders the sons of Levi (Moses, Aaron, and the other members of
their tribe that were "on the Lord's side") to kill "every man his neighbor." "And
there fell of the people that day about 3000 men." 32:27-28

94. But God wasn't satisfied with the slaughter of the 3000, so he killed some
more people with a plague. 32:35

95. God says that he visits "the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and
upon the children's children, unto the third and fourth generation." 34:7

96. God drives out the pagan tribes and commands the Israelites to destroy
their altars and places of worship. 34:11-14

97. If you can't redeem him, then just "break his neck." Hey, it's all for the
glory of God. 34:20

98. Whoever works, or even kindles a fire, on the Sabbath "shall be put to
death." 35:2-3

Leviticus

99. "If a soul ... sin through ignorance...." 5:15, 17, 6:7

100. Two of the sons of Aaron "offered strange fire before the Lord" and
"there went out fire from the Lord, and devoured them, and they died before
the Lord." 10:1-2

101. If priests misbehave at the tabernacle by uncovering their heads, tearing
their clothes, leaving with holy oil on them, or by drinking "wine or strong
drink", then God will kill them and send his wrath on "all the people." 10:6-9

102. After a woman gives birth, a priest must kill a lamb, pigeon, or dove as a
sin offering. This is because having children is sinful and God likes it when
things are killed for him. 12:6-8

103. God "put the plague of leprosy" into the houses of the Canaanites. 14:34

104. God explains the use of scapegoats. It goes like this: Get two goats. Kill
one. Wipe, smear, and sprinkle the blood around seven times. Then take the
other goat, give it the sins of all the people, and send it off into the wilderness.
16:6-28

105. Don't eat sacrifices on the third day or God will cut you off from among
your people. 19:6-8

106. If a man has sex with an engaged slave woman, scourge the woman,
but don't punish the man. (Even if he raped her?) 19:20-22

107. Kill anyone who "gives his seed" to Molech. If you refuse, God will cut
you and your family off. 20:2-5
108. Stay away from people with familiar spirits and don't "go a whoring" after
them either. 20:6

109. "For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall surely be put to
death." Couldn't we try spanking first? 20:9

110. Both parties in adultery shall be executed. 20:10

111. If a man has sex with his father's wife, kill them both. 20:11

112. If a man "lies" with his daughter-in-law, then both must be killed. 20:12

113. If a man has sex with another man, kill them both. 20:13

114. If you "lie" with your wife and your mother-in-law (now that sounds fun!),
then all three of your must be burned to death. 20:14

115. If a man or woman "lie with a beast" both the person and the poor
animal are to be killed. 20:15-16

116. People with "familiar spirits" are to be stoned to death. But how can we
be sure that a person's spirit is too familiar? The good book doesn't say, it just
says to kill them. 20:27

117. A priest's daughter who "plays the whore" is to be burned to death. 21:9

118. Handicapped people cannot approach the altar of God. They would
"profane" it. 21:16-23

119. Anyone with a "flat nose, or any thing superfluous" must stay away from
the altar of God. 21:18

120. A man who is unclean, or is a leper, or has a "running issue", or "whose
seed goeth from him", or who touches any dead or "creeping thing" ... "shall
not eat of the holy things, until he be clean." 22:3-5

121. No stranger or slave can "eat of the holy thing." 22:10, 13

122. "But if the priest buy any soul with his money ..." It must be OK to buy
slaves; even priests do it. 22:11

123. If a priest's daughter marries "a stranger" she can't eat any holy things.
22:12

124. Don't do any work on the day of atonement or God will destroy you.
23:29-30

125. A man curses and blasphemes while disputing with another man. Moses
asks God what to do about it. God says that the whole community must stone
him to death. "And the children of Israel did as the Lord and Moses
commanded." 24:10-23

126. Anyone who blasphemes or curses shall be stoned to death by the
entire community. 24:16

127. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. If we apply this rule then we'll
all wind up toothless and blind. 24:20

128. God's instructions for buying your brother for a slave. 25:39

129. God tells the Israelites to make slaves out of their neighbors and their
families. The "heathens" and "strangers" are to be their possessions forever.
25:44-46

130. God tells the Israelites to "chase" their enemies and make them "fall
before you by the sword." He figures five of the Israelites will be able to
"chase" a hundred of their enemies, and a hundred will be able to "put ten
thousand to flight." 26:7-8

131. God describes the torments that he has planned for those who
displease him. The usual stuff: plagues, burning fevers that will consume the
eyes, etc. but he reserves the worst for the little children. He says "ye shall
sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it," "I will send wild beasts
among you, which shall rob you of your children," and "ye shall eat the flesh of
your sons and daughters." 26:16-39

132. God defines the value of human life in dollars and cents. Of course, to
God, females are worth considerably less than males (50 - 60%) -- but neither
are worth much. 27:3-7

133. All "devoted" things (both man and beast) "shall surely be put to death."
27:28-29

Numbers

134. God shows his hospitality with the admonition: "The stranger that
cometh nigh shall be put to death." 1:51, 3:10, 3:38

135. Two of Aaron's sons are killed by God for "offering strange fire before
the Lord." 3:4

136. Don't touch or "go in to see when the holy things are covered." God kills
people who touch or look at covered holy things. 4:15, 20

137. God tells the people to expel from camp "every leper, every one that
hath an issue, and whoever is defiled by the dead." So by God's instructions,
the sick are abandoned and left to suffer and die alone. 5:1-4
138. The Law of Jealousies. If a man suspects his wife of being unfaithful, he
reports it to the priest. The priest then makes her drink some "bitter water." If
she is guilty, the water makes her thigh rot and her belly swell. If innocent, no
harm done -- the woman is free and will "conceive seed." In any case, "the
man shall be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity."
5:11-31

139. If you don't keep the Passover you'll be "cut off" from your people. 9:13

140. "And when the people complained, it displeased the Lord: and the Lord
heard it." (He had his hearing aid on.) He then burned the complainers alive.
That'll teach them. 11:1

141. God promises to give them "flesh to eat," not for just a few days, but "for
a whole month, until it come out of your nostrils, and it be loathsome to you."
Yuck. 11:20

142. "And while the flesh [of the quails] was yet between their teeth, ere it
was chewed, the wrath of the Lord was kindled against the people, and the
Lord smote the people with a very great plague. "The Bible isn't too clear
about what these poor folks did to upset God so much; all it says is that they
had "lusted." 11:33

143. Miriam and Aaron (Moses' brother and sister) criticize Moses for
marrying an Ethiopian woman and thus breaking the law of God. But God
makes it clear that his rules don't apply to his favorites, and he strikes Miriam
with leprosy. Notice that only Miriam is punished, though both she and Aaron
complained. 12:1, 9-10

144. More plagues and pestilence sent by God. God repeats one of his
favorite promises: "your carcasses shall fall in this wilderness." 14:12, 29,
14:32-37

145. God punishes the children for the failings of their great-great
grandfathers. 14:18

146. God killed those that murmured against him with a plague. 14:36-37

147. "If any soul sin through ignorance ..." but how can someone sin through
ignorance? Don't you have to know that an action is wrong for it to be sinful?
Oh well, if you do happen to sin through ignorance, you can be forgiven by
God if you kill some animals. 15:27-30

148. The Israelites find a man picking up sticks on the sabbath. God
commands them to kill him by throwing rocks at him. 15:32-36

149. Because of a dispute between Korah and Moses, God has the ground
open up and swallow Korah, Dathan, and Abiram "and their wives, and their
sons, and their little children." Then, just for the hell of it, God has a fire burn
to death 250 "men that offered incense." 16:20-35
150. After God killed Korah, his family, and 250 innocent bystanders, the
people complained saying, "ye have killed the people of the Lord." So God,
who doesn't take kindly to criticism, sends a plague on the people. And "they
that died in the plague were 14,700." 16:41-50

151. God threatens to kill those who murmur. To which the people reply,
"Behold, we die, we perish, we all perish .... Shall we be consumed with
dying?" 17:12-13

152. Stay away from holy things and places -- like churches. God might have
to kill you if you get too close.18:3, 22, 32

153. God shows us how to make new friends by saying : "The stranger that
cometh nigh shall be put to death." 18:7

154. God describes once again the procedure for ritualistic animal sacrifices.
such rituals must be extremely important to God, since he makes their
performance a "statute" and "covenant" forever. 18:17-19

155. The purification of the unclean. These absurd rituals, cruel sacrifices,
and unjust punishments are vitally important to God. They are to be "a
perpetual statute" for all humankind. 19:1-22

156. Moses is punished for hitting the rock with his staff (like he did before in
Ex.17:6) to get water, rather than just speaking to the rock (as God asked him
to do this time). For messing up the magic trick, Moses will never get to the
promised land. 20:8-12

157. "And the Lord hearkened to the voice of Israel, and delivered up the
Canaanites; and they utterly destroyed them and their cities." This verse
demonstrates the power of prayer: If you ask God, he will destroy entire cities
for you. 21:3

158. God sends "fiery serpents" to bite his chosen people, and many of them
die. 21:6

159. God delivers the Amorites into Moses' hands. (You're in God hands with
Moses.) So Moses does the usual thing, killing everyone "until their was none
left alive." 21:34-35

160. God says to Balaam, "If men come to call thee, rise up, and go with
them." Men come, and Balaam goes with them, just as God had
commanded." And God's anger was kindled because he went" -- but he was
just following God's instructions! 22:20-22

161. After the people "commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab," Moses
has them all killed. Then God tells Moses to hang their dead bodies up in front
of him; God says that this will satisfy him. 25:1-5
162. When one of the Israelite men brings home a foreign woman, "Phinehas
(Aaron's grandson) sees them and throws a spear "through the man .. and the
woman through her belly." This act pleases God so much that "the plague was
stayed from the children of Israel." But not before 24,000 had died. 25:6-9

163. For impaling the interracial couple, God rewards Phinehas and his sons
with the everlasting priesthood. 25:10-13

164. God tells Moses how to care for his neighbors by saying: "Vex the
Midianites, and smite them." 25:16-17

165. The ground swallow Korah and his companions and a fire consumes
250 men. 26:10

166. "And Nadab and Abihu died when they offered strange fire before the
Lord." When you go camping avoid making any unusual fires. 26:61

167. Under God's direction, Moses' army defeats the Midianites. They kill all
the adult males, but take the women and children captive. When Moses
learns that they left some live, he angrily says: "Have you saved all the
women alive? Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that
hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not
known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." So they went back
and did as Moses (and presumably God) instructed, killing everyone except
for the virgins. In this way they got 32,000 virgins -- Wow! (Even God gets
some of the booty -- including the virgins.) 31:1-54

168. God killed all the Egyptian firstborn. 33:4

169. God tells Moses to exterminate the residents of Canaan and destroy all
of their religious symbols and possessions. 33:50-52

170. But if the Israelites don't kill them all, then God will make them pricks in
their eyes and thorns in their sides. And he will do unto the Israelites as he
planned to do to the inhabitants of Canaan. 33:55-56

171. "The revenger of blood" must murder the murderer just as soon as he
sees him. 35:19, 21

172. When a murder is committed the blood pollutes the land. The only way
to cleanse it is to spill more blood by killing the killer. 35:30, 33

Deuteronomy

173. "The Lord destroyed them before them" -- the general treatment of the
people who were supposedly displaced by the Israelites. 2:21-22

174. God hardened the heart of the king of Heshbon and so that he could
have him and all of his people killed. 2:30
175. At God's instructions, the Israelites "utterly destroyed the men, women,
and the little ones" leaving "none to remain." 2:33-36

176. All nations shall be terrorized by the followers of Yahweh. 2:25

177. The Israelites, with God's help, kill all the men, women, and children of
every city. 3:3-6

178. When going to war, don't be afraid. God is on your side; "he shall fight
for you." 3:22

179. God destroyed the followers of Baalpeor. 4:3

180. God is "a consuming fire, even a jealous God." 4:24

181. If someone makes an image of anything (like a bird or flower) then God
will destroy the entire nation. 4:25-26

182. God brought the Israelites out of Egypt "by war ... and by great terrors."
4:34

183. God, by his own admission, is a jealous God who unjustly punishes
great-great grandchildren for the failings of their long-dead ancestors. 5:9

184. "Neither shalt thou desire thy neighbour's ... manservant, or his
maidservant, his ox, or his ass, or any thing that is thy neighbour's." In the
Bible, slaves (servants in the KJV) are the rightful property of slave-owners;
they are his possessions -- like an ox or an ass. 5:21

185. If you worship the wrong god, God will get jealous and kill you. 6:15

186. God instructs the Israelites to kill, without mercy, all the inhabitants
(strangers) of the land that they conquer. 7:2

187. If you do show any mercy to such strangers, "give your daughters to any
of them, or "take" any of their daughters, then you'll get God so angry that he'll
"destroy thee suddenly." 7:4

188. God prefers the Israelites to everyone else. It's not that he's prejudiced,
he just like them better. 7:6

189. God will kill those who hate him. 7:10

190. Those who do as God says will never be infertile (neither will their
cows!) and will never get sick. (God will send infertility and diseases on the
other guys.) 7:14-15

191. God commands his people to "consume all the people which the Lord
thy God shall deliver thee; thine eye shall have no pity on them." 7:16
192. God will send hornets to kill your enemies, "for the Lord thy God is
among you, a mighty God and terrible." 7:20-23

193. God makes people wealthy (or poor). 8:17-18

194. "If thou do at all forget the LORD thy God, and walk after other gods ...
ye shall surely perish." 8:19-20

195. God is "a consuming fire" that destroys people. 9:3

196. After God kills those of other faiths, be sure to reject their beliefs and do
not learn about them. Otherwise God will have to kill you too. 12:30

197. Prophets and dreamers are to be executed if they say or dream the
wrong things. 13:1-5

198. If your brother, son, daughter, wife, or friend tries to get you to worship
another god, "thou shalt surely kill him, thine hand shall be first upon him to
put him to death." 13:6-10

199. If you hear of a city where another god is worshiped, then destroy
everyone in the city (even the cattle) and burn it down. (Watch out Salt Lake!)
13:12-16

200. Don't eat any dead animals that you find lying around. But it's okay to
give it to strangers or sell it to foreigners. 14:21

201. Instructions for buying your brother. 15:12-17

202. Kill everyone who has religious beliefs that are different from your own.
17:2-7

203. Anyone who will not listen to a priest or a judge must be executed.
17:12-13

204. False prophets are to be (you guessed it) executed. How do you know
who is a false prophet? By whether or not their predictions come true. (Watch
out Jehovah's Witnesses!) 18:20

205. Murderers and perjurers are to be executed -- "and thine eye shall not
pity" them. 19:11-13, 18-21

206. "And thine eye shall not pity. Life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth,
hand for hand, foot for foot." 19:21

207. God travels with people and fights in their wars. 20:4

208. God tells the Israelites to enslave the people that they conquer in war.
20:10-11
209. In the cities that god "delivers into thine hands" you must kill all the
males (including old men, boys, and babies) with "the edge of the sword ....
But the women ... shalt thou take unto yourself." 20:13

210. "But of the cities ... which the Lord thy God doth give thee for an
inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth." Kill the old men and
women, the sick and the dying, the blind and the lame, pregnant mothers,
nursing mothers, infants, toddlers, and babies. 20:16

211. If you find a dead body and don't know the cause of death, then get all
the elders together, cut off the head of a heifer, wash your hands over its
body, and say our hands have not shed this blood. (That'll do it!) 21:1-8

212. If you have a "stubborn and rebellious son," then you and the other men
in your neighborhood "shall stone him with stones that he die." 21:18-21

213. Hang on trees the bodies of those who are "accursed of God." They
make nice decorations. 21:22

214. If a man marries, then decides that he hates his wife, he can claim she
wasn't a virgin when they were married. If her father can't produce the "tokens
of her virginity" (bloody sheets), then the woman is to be stoned to death at
her father's doorstep. 22:13-21

215. "If a man be found lying with a woman married to a husband, then they
shall both of them die." 22:22

216. If a betrothed virgin is raped in the city and doesn't cry out loud enough,
then "the men of the city shall stone her to death." 22:23-24

217. If a man rapes an unbetrothed virgin, he must pay her father 50 shekels
of silver and then marry her. 22:28-29

218. You can't go to church if your testicles are damaged or your penis has
been cut off. 23:1

219. God won't let bastards attend church. Neither can the sons or daughters
of bastards "even to the tenth generation." So if you plan to attend church
next Sunday be ready to prove that your genitals are intact and don't forget
your birth certificate and genealogical records for at least the last ten
generations. Don't laugh. This stuff is important to God. 23:2

220. No Moabite will ever be allowed into the congregation of the Lord. 23:3,
6

221. God says not be bring any whore, sodomite, or dog into the house of the
Lord. For "these things are an abomination to the Lord." Sodomites and dogs
are biblical names for homosexuals. 23:17-18

222. Usury is wrong except when lending to strangers. Then it's okay. 23:20
223. If a man marries a woman and later finds "some uncleanness in her,"
then he can divorce her and kick her out of his house. If another man marries
her and then dies, the first husband cannot marry her again. "For that is an
abomination before the Lord." 24:1-4

224. Those who capture slaves and sell them must be executed. 24:7

225. "Remember what the Lord thy God did unto Miriam." (He struck her with
leprosy for rightly accusing Moses of breaking God's laws regarding marriage
[Num.12:10]). 24:9

226. Legal disputes are settled by a judge who determines guilt or innocence.
No lawyers or jury are needed. Those found guilty will be beaten with 40
stripes. 25:1-3

227. If a man dies before his wife has a child, then the widow must marry her
husband's brother -- whether she likes him or not, and whether she wants to
or not. 25:5

228. If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the other,
"then thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thine eye shall not pity her." 25:11-12

229. God commands the Israelites to "blot out the rembrance of Amalek from
under heaven." A few hundred years later God orders Saul to kill of the
Amalekites "both man and woman, infant and suckling." (1 Sam.15:2-3) 25:19

230. If you don't obey all of the laws that are given in the Old Testament, God
shower you with the curses that are given in the next 52 verses. 28:16-68

231. "Cursed shalt thou be in the city, and cursed shalt thou be in the field." I
guess you'll be cursed just about wherever you go. 28:16

232. "Cursed shall be the fruit of thy body." 28:18

233. "Cursed shalt thou be when thou comest in, and cursed shalt thou be
when thou goest out." 28:19

234. If you misbehave, god will send you "cursing, vexing, the pestilence,
consumption, fever, inflammation, extreme burning, the sword, blasting, and
mildew." 28:20-22

235. "And thy carcass shall be meat to all the fowls of the air." 28:25-26

236. "The Lord will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and the emerods
[hemorrhoids], and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst be
healed. The Lord will smite thee with madness, and blindness, and
astonishment of heart." 28:27-28

237. "Thou shalt betroth a wife, and another man shall lie with her." 28:30
238. "Thine ox shall be slain before thine eyes." 28:31

239. Thy sons and thy daughters shall be given unto another people." 28:32

240. You will be enslaved and driven mad in another country. 28:33-24

241. "The Lord will smite thee in the knees, and in the legs, with a sore botch
that cannot be healed, from the sole of thy foot unto the top of thy head."
28:35

242. You will be ruled by other nations, forced to serve other gods, become a
laughingstock among your neighbors, have your crops destroyed by locusts,
your vines eaten by worms, and have fruitless olive trees. 28:36-40

243. "Thou shalt begat sons and daughters, but thou shall not enjoy them; for
they shall go into captivity." 28:41

244. Locusts will destroy your trees and fruit. 28:42

245. "All these curses shall come upon thee ... and upon thy seed for ever."
28:48-49

246. God will enslave you and destroy you with hunger, thirst, hardship, and
all kinds of deprivation. 28:48-52

247. "And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and
of thy daughters." 28:53-55

248. "The tender and delicate woman" will be forced to eat her own children
"that cometh out from between her feet." 28:56-57

249. If you don't do as God says he'll send plagues to torment and destroy
you. 28:58-64

250. "The LORD shall give thee there a trembling heart, and failing of eyes,
and sorrow of mind." 28:65-67

251. God will have you sold to your enemies -- but even they won't buy you.
28:68

252. If you serve the gods of other nations, "all the curses that are in this
book" will fall upon you. 29:18-20

253. "And the Lord will put all these curses upon thine enemies." See
Dt.28:16-64 for some of the curses God has in mind. 30:7

254. Moses tells the people that God will destroy all the inhabitants of the
lands that they pass through. 31:3
255. God hates non-believers. 32:19-20

256. When God gets mad -- watch out! He'll starve you to death, burn you
with fire, and send vicious beasts to devour you. He'll "destroy both the young
man and the virgin, the suckling also with the man of gray hairs." Not even the
helpless and innocent are spared by this psychotic God. 32:21-26

257. God says, "To me belongeth vengeance, and recompense ... for the day
of their destruction is at hand." 32:35

258. God says, "I kill ... I wound ... I will make my arrows drunk with blood,
and my sword shall devour flesh." Someone should take his sword and arrows
away, at least until he's feeling better. 32:39-43

Joshua

259. God "magnifies" Joshua and promises to "without fail" drive out all the
inhabitants of the lands through which they passed. 3:7

260. "And the city shall be accursed ... and all that therein, to the Lord: only
Rahab the harlot shall live." God explains that Rahab is to be spared since
she hid Joshua's spies and lied to those who were searching for them (2:4-5).
But why was everyone else killed? Some of them were probably liars too. 6:17

261. Keep yourselves from "the accursed thing". Whatever that is. But be
sure to save all the silver and gold for God! 6:18-19

262. "And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and
woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the
sword." 6:21

263. After killing everyone, "they burnt the city with fire, and all that was
therein." Only the valuables (silver, gold, brass, and iron) did they keep to "put
into the treasury of the house of the Lord." 6:24

264. Joshua says that those who try to rebuild Jericho will be accursed by
God, and will have to sacrifice both their oldest and their youngest sons in its
construction. Well, Jericho still exists today, and is often considered to be the
world's oldest, continuously occupied city. 6:26

265. God tells Joshua to kill whoever tood "the accursed thing." 7:10-12

266. If you happen to see "the accursed thing," don't touch it. If you do, you,
your family, and all of your animals must be burned. 7:15

267. "And Joshua ... took Achan ... and his sons, and his daughters, and his
oxen, and his sheep... And all of Israel stoned them with stones, and burned
them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones." This is because Achan
"took of the accursed thing" -- whatever that means. But why would God
require that Achan's sons and daughters (and even his animals) be stoned to
death along with him? The Bible doesn't say. But it does tell us that "the Lord
turned from the fierceness of his anger" when Achan, his children, and his
animals were stoned to death and their dead bodies burned. 7:24-26

268. "When ye have taken the city [Ai] ... ye shall set the city on fire:
according to the commandment of the LORD. 8:8

269. Joshua and his army, per God's instructions, slaughter "all the
inhabitants of Ai." 8:22-26

270. God curses the Gibeonites to be slaves of the Jews forever. 9:21-27

271. God slaughters the Amorites and even chases them "along the way" as
they try to escape. Then he sends down huge hailstones and kills even more
of them. 10:10-11

272. In a divine type of daylight savings time, God makes the sun stand still
so that Joshua can get all his killing done before dark. 10:12-13

273. "The Lord fought for Israel." 10:14

274. God tells Joshua to "pursue after your enemies and smite the hindmost
of them." (Kick their butts.) Don't let any of them escape "for the Lord your
God hath delivered them into your hand." 10:19

275. Joshua tells his captains to "put your feet upon the necks of these
kings." He says, "thus shall the Lord do to all of your enemies." Then Joshua
kills the kings and hangs them on trees. 10:24-26

276. Joshua, at God's command, kills everyone and everything that he can
find (including babies and little children)-- or, as the Bible puts it, he "utterly
destroyed all that breathed, as the Lord commanded." 10:28-32

277. God delivers the Hazorites into Joshua's hand, and he knows just what
to do with them: he smites them all with (you guessed it) the edge of the
sword until "there was not any left to breathe." 11:6-17

278. "For it was of the Lord to harden their hearts, that they should come
against Israel in battle, that he might destroy them utterly." Notice that God
hardens their hearts so that he can have an excuse to kill them. 11:20

279. Caleb offers to give his daughter to whoever conquers the city of Debir.
Caleb's nephew wins the contest and is given his cousin for a prize. 15:16-17

280. "Did not Achan son of Zerah commit a trespass in the accursed thing,
and wrath fell on all the congregation of Israel?" To find out see Joshua 7:1-
26. 22:20

281. One man of you shall chase a thousand: for the LORD your God, he it is
that fighteth for you." 23:10
282. "I have given you a land for which ye did not labour, and cities which ye
built not."
God gave the Israelites other peoples' stuff (after killing them all). 24:13

283. God is jealous and will never forgive you for your sins. "He will turn and
do you hurt, and consume you." 24:19-20

Judges

284. God appoints Judah to succeed Joshua. The Lord delivers his foes into
his hands and another 10,000 are slain. In the process, they capture
Adonibezek and "cut off his thumbs and great toes." Nice guys. 1:2-6

285. Caleb offers to give his daughter to anyone who conquers the city of
Debir. Caleb's nephew wins the contest and is given his cousin for a prize.
1:12-13

286. "They slew the Canaanites that inhabited Zephath, and utterly destroyed
it ... And the Lord was with Judah." (You can tell by the number of innocent
people he killed.) 1:17, 19

287. The Israelite spies killed everyone in Bethel, except for the man (and his
family) who showed them how to enter the city. 1:25

288. An angel drops by to rebuke the Israelites for being too tolerant of the
religious beliefs of the people they have been massacring. He tells them that
since they didn't complete their job (of killing everyone), God will not
completely drive them out (like he promised to do). Instead he'll keep some of
them around so that the Israelites will be ensnared by their false gods. 2:1-3

289. God anger "was hot against Israel, and he sold them." Well, I hope he
got a good price. 2:14, 4:2

290. God anger "was hot against Israel, and he sold them." 3:8

291. The spirit of the Lord comes upon Othniel and causes him to go to war.
3:10

292. God "delivers" more folks into the hands of his chosen people. "And they
slew of Moab ... about 10,000 men ... and their escaped not a man." 3:28-29

293. "The Lord discomfited Sisera ... with the edge of the sword ... and there
was not a man left." 4:15-16

294. Jael (our heroine) offers food and shelter to a traveler (Sisera, Jabin's
captain), saying "turn in my Lord ... fear not." Then after giving him a glass of
milk and tucking him in, she drives a tent stake through his head. "So God
subdued on that day Jabin." 4:17-23
295. For murdering her guest while he slept, Jael is "blessed above women."
(Hail Jael, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among
women....?) 5:24-26

296. "Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two?" 5:30

297. "So let all thine enemies perish, O Lord." (Let them all have their
temples pierced by blessed women.) 5:31

298. "The LORD said unto him, Surely I will be with thee, and thou shalt
smite the Midianites as one man." God promises to help Gideon kill all the
Midianites. 6:16

299. When Gideon and his water-lapping companions blow their trumpets,
God forces all the enemy soldiers to kill each other, killing 120,000. 7:22, 8:10

300. Two princes are killed and their heads are brought to Gideon. 7:25

301. For refusing to feed him and his army, Gideon tears the flesh off the
elders of Succoth and kills the men of the city. 8:7, 16

302. Gideon orders his son to kill two kings, but he refuses. So Gideon has to
do it himself since his son isn't "man" enough to do it. 8:20

303. Abimelech kills 70 brothers "upon one stone." (He was trying to get in
the Guinness Book of World Records.) 9:5

304. God sends evil spirits that cause humans to deal treacherously with
each other. 9:23-24

305. "Thus God rendered the wickedness of Abimelech, which he did unto his
father, in slaying his seventy brethren."
Abimelech's sin wasn't against the 70 brothers that he killed but against
his father (Gideon, already dead). 9:56

306. God is angry at Israel so he sells them to the Philistines. He had
previously sold them to the kings of Mesopotamia (3:8) and Canaan (4:2).
He's such a shrewd businessman! 10:7

307. God smites Sihon and all his people and gives their land to Israel. 11:21

308. "Whomsoever the LORD our God shall drive out from before us, them
will we [the Israelites] possess." 11:24

309. When "the spirit of the Lord" comes upon Jephthah, he makes a deal
with God: If God will help him kill the Ammonites, then he (Jephthah) will offer
to God as a burnt offering whatever comes out of his house to greet him. God
keeps his end of the deal by providing Jephthah with "a very great slaughter."
But when Jephthah returns, his nameless daughter comes out to greet him
(who'd he expect, his wife?). Well, a deal's a deal, so he delivers her to God
as a burnt offering -- after letting her spend a couple of months going up and
down on the mountains bewailing her virginity. 11:29-39

310. The Israelites "did evil in the sight of the Lord," so he "delivered them
into the hand of the Philistines forty years." 13:1

311. "And the spirit of the Lord came upon him [Samson], and he ... slew
thirty men." (Samson might have been a decent person if he could have kept
the spirit of the Lord off him.) 14:19

312. Samson's father-in-law gave Samson's wife away to a friend, since he
thought Samson "hated" her. He suggests that Samson take his younger
daughter instead, saying the younger one's prettier anyway. 15:2

313. Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, and sets them on
fire; the Philistines burn Samson's ex-wife and father-in-law; and Samson
smites them "hip and thigh with a great slaughter." 15:4-8

314. Samson, with God's help, kills himself and 3000 Philistine men and
women by causing a roof to collapse, setting an example for Bible-based
terrorism. 16:27-30

315. The Danites massacre the "quiet and secure" people of Laish. 18:27

316. After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and
his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his
guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they
"abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and
dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an ass and takes her home. Then he
chops her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to each of the twelve
tribes of Israel. 19:22-30

317. God tells Phinehas to fight against the Benjamites, saying he will deliver
them into his hand. So the Israelites kill some more people for God. 20:38-41

318. God helps the Israelites kill 25,100 Benjamites. 20:35

319. The Israelites killed everyone in the city with the edge of the sword.
20:37

320. Another 25,000 Benjamites are killed by the God-assisted Israelites.
20:44, 46

321. The Israelites finish their massacre of the Benjamites by killing all the
men, animals, and everything they could find in every Benjamite city. Then
they burned the cities to the ground. (In this way God helped the Israelites
make everything better after the rape and dismemberment of the concubine.)
20:48
322. To find wives for the Benjamites (they were unwilling to use their own
daughters), the other tribes attacked and killed all occupants of a city except
for the young virgins. These virgins were then given to the Benjamites for
wives. 21:7-23

Ruth (None)

1 Samuel

323. "The adversaries of the Lord shall be broken to pieces; out of heaven
shall he thunder upon them." If God doesn't like you, he'll send a
thunderstorm your way to break your body into little pieces. 2:10

324. God will kill those who sin against him. 2:25

325. If you piss him off, God will cut off your arm, consume your eyes, grieve
your heart, and kill your sons and grandfathers. 2:31-34

326. God will punish Eli's descendants forever for the sins of Eli's sons. 3:12-
13

327. God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their secret
parts." 5:6-12

328. God kills 50,070 men for looking into the ark. "And the people lamented,
because the Lord had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter."
6:19

329. "I make a covenant with your, that I may thrust out all your right eyes."
Deals like this can only be found in the Bible. 11:2

330. "And the spirit of God came upon Saul ... and he took a yoke of oxen,
and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coast of Israel."
People do the darnedest things when the spirit of God comes upon them!
11:6-7

331. God delivers the Philistines into Jonathan's hand. And his very "first
slaughter ... was about twenty men." Not bad for a first slaughter. 14:12

332. Under God's influence, the Philistines killed each other. 14:20

333. But later, Saul and his army kill all of those who had not already been
killed. 14:36

334. God orders Saul to kill all of the Amalekites: men, women, infants,
sucklings, ox, sheep, camels, and asses. Why? Because God remembers
what Amalek did hundreds of years ago. 15:2-3
335. Saul killed everyone but Agag (the king) and the best of the animals. But
still God was furious with Saul for not killing everything as he had been told to
do. He said, "it repenteth me that I have set Saul up to be king." 15:7-26

336. Saul is rebuked by Samuel for "doing evil in the sight of the Lord" by
failing to kill all of the Amalekites. 15:18-19

337. Because Saul didn't kill everyone as God commanded, God changes his
mind about him being king. 15:23-26

338. To please God, Samuel hacks Agag in pieces "before the Lord" [I bet
God enjoyed that!] -- after Agag pleads with him saying, "surely the bitterness
of death has past." 15:32-34

339. After God rejects Saul for refusing to kill indiscriminately, he sends
Samuel to find another king. David is chosen and anointed by Samuel, and
"the spirit of the Lord came upon him from that day forward." 16:13

340. The evil spirit from the Lord
"But the spirit of the Lord departed from Saul [since he was not murderous
enough for God], and an evil spirit from the Lord troubled him." But if God is
good, then how could he have an evil spirit? 16:14-16, 23

341. "The evil spirit from God came upon Saul, and he prophesied." 18:10

342. David kills 200 Philistines and brings their foreskins to Saul to buy his
first wife (Saul's daughter Michal). Saul had only asked for 100 foreskins, but
David was feeling generous. 18:25-27

343. And the evil spirit from the Lord was upon Saul." Poor guy, he just can't
keep away from God's damned evil spirit. 19:9

344. "David inquired of the Lord, saying, Shall I go and smite these
Philistines? And the Lord said unto David, Go, and smite the Philistines ... So
David smote them with a great slaughter." 23:2-5

345. David vows to kill "any that pisseth against the wall." 25:22, 34

346. "And it came to pass about ten days after, that the Lord smote Nabal,
that he died." This was convenient for David who then took his property and
his wife, Abigail. 25:38

347. So David takes his second wife (Abigail) after God killed he husband
(Nabal). He also, at the same time, took another wife (#3), Abinam. In the
meantime, Saul gave Michal (his daughter and David's first wife) to another
man. 25:41-44

348. "And David smote the land and left neither man nor woman alive." (No
wonder God liked David so much!) 27:8-11
349. Saul visits a woman with a "familiar spirit" and she brings Samuel back
from the dead. Samuel once again explains that God is angry at Saul for not
killing all of the Amalekites. He says God is going to deliver all of Israel into
the hands of the Philistines. (Since Saul refused to slaughter innocent people,
God will slaughter the Israelites. Fair is fair.) 28:8-19

350. David spends the day killing more of those pesky Amalekites. They are
completely wiped out again. (See 1 Sam.15:7-8, 20 and 27:8-9 for the last two
times that they were exterminated.) 30:17

2 Samuel

351. David tells one of his "young men" to kill the Amalekite messenger who
claimed to have mercifully killed Saul at Saul's own request. 1:15

352. Michal was bought by David with 200 Philistine foreskins (1 Sam.18:25-
27), then she was "given" to Phatiel (1 Sam.25:44), and then "taken back" by
David. Poor Phatiel must have loved her dearly since he "went along weeping
behind her." 3:15-16

353. When Joab (David's captain) kills Abner (by smiting him under the fifth
rib of course), David says that he and his kingdom are not responsible. The
blame, he says, lays with Joab. So David curses Joab, his family, and their
descendants forever. Let them all be plagued with venereal diseases and
leprosy, starve to death, commit suicide, or lean on staves. (The Revised
Standard Version translates "leaneth on a staff" as "holds a spindle,"
apparently meaning effeminate -- real men don't spin or weave.) 3:27-29

354. Some of David's men kill Saul's son (by smiting him under the fifth rib, of
course) and bring his head to David, thinking that he'll be pleased. But he
wasn't. David has the assassins killed, their hands and feet chopped off, and
their bodies hung up (for decorations?) over the pool in Hebron. 4:6-7

355. Whoever kills the lame and the blind will be David's "chief and captain."
5:8

356. "David ... grew great, and the LORD God of hosts was with him." 5:10

357. David asks God if he should kill some more Philistines. God says yes,
and he'll even help. So David and God "smote the Philistines" again. 5:19, 25

358. "David smote them there, and said, The LORD hath broken forth upon
mine enemies before me."
God helps David slaughter his enemies. 5:20

359. "When thou hearest the sound of a going in the tops of the mulberry
trees ... then shall the LORD go out before thee, to smite the host of the
Philistines." 5:24
360. Uzzah tries to keep the ark from falling off the cart, and God kills him for
it. I guess it was God's way of saying Thanks. 6:6-7

361. David kills two thirds of the Moabites and makes the rest slaves. He also
cripples the captured horses. 8:2-4

362. "David slew of the Syrians two and twenty thousand men ... and the
Lord preserved David withersoever he went." 8:5-6, 14

363. David tells Joab (his captain) to send Bathseba's husband (Uriah) to
"the forefront of the hottest battle ... that he may be smitten and die." In this
way, David gets another wife. 11:15, 11:17, 11:27

364. God is angry at David for having Uriah killed. As a punishment, he will
have David's wives raped by his neighbor while everyone else watches. It
turns out that the "neighbor" that God sends to do his dirty work is David's
own son, Absalom (16:22). 12:11-12

365. To punish David for having Uriah killed, God kills Bathsheba's baby boy.
12:14-18

366. David saws, hacks, and burns to death all the inhabitants of several
cities. Maybe this is what is meant by "the tender mercies of David" (Acts
13:34). 12:31

367. To punish his ten concubines for being raped by his son, Absalom (See
16:21-22), David refuses to ever again have sex with them and forces them to
"keep house" for the rest of their lives. 20:3 `

368. A famine is sent on David's kingdom for three years. When David asks
God why, God answers: "It is for Saul, and his bloody house, because he slew
the Gibeonites. "So God sent a famine to punish a kingdom for something that
a former king had done. 21:1

369. "He teacheth my hands to war." Might as well learn from an expert.
22:35

370. "Thou hast also given me the necks of mine enemies." 22:41

371. David was thirsty, so he asked someone to get him some water from the
Bethlehem well, which was controlled by the Philistines. Three of his men
broke through the enemy lines, got the water from the well, and brought it
back to David. But he refused to drink it and poured it on the ground. 23:15-17

372. God tempts David to take a survey. 24:1

373. God offers David a choice of punishments for having conducted the
census: 1) seven years of famine ( 1 Chr.21:1 says three years), 2) three
months fleeing from enemies, or 3) three days of pestilence. David can't
decide, so God chooses for him and sends a pestilence, killing 70,000 men
(and probably around 200,000 women and children). 24:13

374. Even David can see the injustice of God's punishment (killing hundreds
of thousands of people because David took a census). He pleads with God
saying, "I have sinned ... but these sheep, what have they done?" 24:17

1 Kings

375. In David's last words, he commands his son Solomon to murder Joab.
2:1-9

376. Solomon has his brother (Adonijah) murdered. 2:24-25

377. Solomon carries out the deathbed instructions of his father David by
having Joab murdered. 2:29-34

378. Solomon justifies the murder of Joab by saying that Joab also was a
murderer, and that the blood of Joab's victims "shall therefore return upon the
head of Joab, and upon the head of his seed for ever." 2:33

379. But Solomon is not done murdering yet. He has Shimei murdered -- or
as Solomon put it, "The Lord shall return thy wickedness upon thine own
head." 2:44, 46

380. God is angry with Solomon, but decides to punish Solomon's son rather
than Solomon himself, because he liked Solomon's father (David) so darned
much. 11:11-12

381. Joab (David's captain) spent six months killing every male in Edom.
11:16

382. King Josiah is prophesied to sacrifice the priests of the "high places" on
their altars. And he does so in 2 Kg.23:20. Note that this is a guy who "did
what was right in the eyes of the Lord" (2 Kg.22:2). 13:2

383. Ever the playful spirit, God withers, and then restores, the hand of king
Jeroboam. 13:4

384. There were these two prophets. The first prophet lied to the second. To
the punish the second for believing the first's lie, God sends a lion to kill him.
Get it? 13:11-24

385. God promises to "bring evil upon the house of Jerobaom," saying he will
"cut off" anyone "that pisseth against the wall." Then, after he is done with
them, their dead bodies will be eaten by dogs (if they are city dwellers) or
fowls (if they are country folk). 14:10-12

386. Asa "did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD" by expelling
homosexuals (or "sodomites", as the good book calls them). 15:12
387. Baasha kills "all of the house of Jeroboam" leaving none "to breath."
This slaughter was done "according to the word of the Lord." 15:29

388. Zimri kills everyone "that pisseth against a wall ... according to the word
of the Lord." 16:11-12

389. When Hiel rebuilds Jericho, he lays the foundation with the body of his
oldest son and sets up the gates with his youngest son's body "according to
the word of the Lord." 16:34

390. Elijah kills 450 prophets of Baal. 18:22, 40

391. God delivers the Syrians into the Israelites hands, and 100,000 were
killed in one day. Of those that escaped, 27,000 were crushed by a falling
wall. 20:28-30

392. There was this son of a prophet that said to his neighbor, "kill me." But
the neighbor refused. So God sent a lion to devour him. 20:35

393. The prophet tells king Ahab that he, and his people, shall be punished
for releasing Ben-hadad: "Your life shall go for his life, and your people for his
people." 20:42

394. Although Naboth was set up here by Jezebel to steal his land, the text
assumes that the proper punishment for "blaspheming God and the king" is
death by stoning. 21:10-13

395. God will "bring evil upon" Ahab and "cut off" all those "that pisseth
against the wall." 21:21

396. Jezebel (Ahab's "strange" wife) "stirred up" Ahab to "work wickedness in
the sight of the Lord." To punish her, God will feed her dead body to the dogs.
(He also plans to feed the city folk to the dogs and country folks to the birds.)
21:23-25

397. Since Ahab humbles himself before the Lord, God decides not to bring
evil on him; he'll bring it on Ahab's son instead. 21:29

398. God puts a "lying spirit" in the mouth of his prophets. 22:22

399. Jehoshaphat "did that which was right in the eyes of the Lord" and
"took" the homosexuals (sodomites) "out of the land," or as the RSV says, "he
exterminated" them. 22:43, 46

2 Kings

400. Ahaziah was sick and sent messengers to Baalzebub to ask if he would
recover. God was jealous of the attention given to his competitor and tells
Ahaziah that he will die for asking the wrong god. 1:4, 17
401. Elijah shows that he is "a man of God" by burning 102 men to death.
1:9-12

402. God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha's
bald head. 2:23-24

403. God instructs the Israelites, through the prophet Elisha, to implement a
scorched earth policy on the Moabites. "Strike every fortified city and every
choice city, and fell every good tree and stop all springs of water, and mar
every good piece of land with stones." 3:19-25

404. Elisha not only can cure leprosy, he can also dish it out. Here he makes
his servant (Gehazi) and all his descendants lepers forever. 5:27

405. "So we boiled my son, and did eat him." Women killed, boiled and ate
their own children because of a plague that God sent, or as the Bible puts it:
"Behold, this evil is of the Lord." 6:28-29, 33

406. A man is trampled to death for disbelieving Elisha. 7:17-20

407. God sends a famine on the people that lasts for seven years. 8:1

408. God says that the "whole house of Ahab shall perish," and that he "will
cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall." 9:8

409. All seventy of king Ahab's sons are killed, their heads put in baskets,
and sent to Jezreel. He says, "Lay ye them in two heaps ..." 10:7-8

410. Jehu kills all that remained of king Ahab's family. 10:11

411. Jehu shows off his zeal for the Lord by murdering "all that remained unto
Ahab in Samaria, till he had destroyed him according to the word of the Lord."
10:16-17

412. Jehu lied to the followers of Baal so that he could trap and kill them.
10:19

413. Jehu warns his guards saying, "If any of the men escape, he that letteth
him go, his life shall be for the life of him." 10:24

414. Jehu, when he finishes his animal sacrifices, orders his men to "Go in,
and slay them, let none come forth. And they smote them with the edge of the
sword." 10:25

415. God is greatly pleased with all of Jehu's killings, saying "because thou
hast done well in executing that which is right in mine eyes, and hast done
unto the house of Ahab according to all that was in mine heart [Jehu
murdered them all], thy children of the fourth generation shall sit on the throne
of Israel." 10:30
416. The "Lord's people" destroyed the "house of Baal" and killed "the priest
of Baal before the altars." 11:17-18

417. God strikes king Azariah with leprosy "unto the day of his death" for not
removing the high places. 15:5

418. King Menahem rips up all the pregnant women in Tizzah "because they
opened not to him." Does God approve of such acts? It's impossible to tell
from this passage; the mass murder is simply reported without editorial
comment. 15:16

419. God sent lions to devour the foreigners in Samaria because "they feared
not the Lord," and even worse "they knew not the manner of the God of the
land." Well that'll teach them about God's manners. 17:25-26

420. An "angel of the Lord" kills 185,000 men while they sleep. "And when
they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses." I guess
they all woke up and said, "Shucks, I'm dead." 19:35

421. God plans to "bring such evil upon Jerusalem and Judah, that
whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall tingle." 21:12

422. Josiah, with God's approval, broke down the houses of the sodomites.
23:7

423. Josiah, apparently with God's approval, kills "all the priests of the high
places" and sacrifices them to God on their altars. Note that this is a guy who
"did what was right in the eyes of the Lord" (2 Kg.22:2). 23:20

424. Even though Josiah did all that God asked of him, God still punished
him and all Jerusalem for the acts of his grandfather. 23:26

1 Chronicles

425. God killed Er for being "evil in the sight of the Lord." 2:3

426. The sons of Reuben made war with the Hagarites and "there fell down
many slain, because the war was from God." They did pretty well for
themselves, too, in God's war, taking 250,000 sheep and 100,000 slaves.
5:18-22

427. But the Israelites "transgressed against the God of their fathers, and
went a whoring after the gods of the people of the land, whom God destroyed
before them." So God inspired the Assyrians to go to war with the Israelites.
5:25-26

428. Saul died for refusing God's order to kill all of the Amalekites (15:2-3, 18-
19) and for consulting a witch (1 Sam.28:8-19). 10:13-14
429. David was thirsty, so he asked someone to get him some water from the
Bethlehem well, which was controlled by the Philistines. Three of his men
broke through the enemy lines, got the water from the well, and brought it
back to David. But he refused to drink it and poured it on the ground. 11:17-19

430. God kills Uzza for trying to keep the ark from falling. 13:9-10

431. "The LORD said unto him, Go up; for I will deliver them into thine hand."
God tells David to go to war with the Philistines, promising to deliver them
into his hand. 14:10

432. "God hath broken in upon mine enemies by mine hand."
God helps David slaughter his enemies. 14:11

433. "David therefore did as God commanded him: and they smote the host
of the Philistines." 14:16

434. David's army "wastes the children of Ammon ... besieged Rabbah ... and
destroyed it." 20:1

435. David tortures all the inhabitants of several cities "with saws, and with
harrows of iron, and with axes." 20:3

436. God kills 70,000 men because David had a census. 21:7

2 Chronicles

437. God kills the king of Israel and helps Abijah kill 500,000 Israelites. "The
children of Judah prevailed, because they relied upon the Lord God of their
fathers." (That is, they had God on their side.) 13:15-20

438. In the largest single God-assisted massacre in the bible, Asa, with God's
help, kills one million Ethiopians. 14:8-14

439. "Nation was destroyed of nation, and city of city: for God did vex them
with all adversity." 15:6

440. Whoever that does not seek the God of Israel should be executed.
15:13

441. God puts lies into the mouths of his prophets and speaks evil about
people. 18:21-22

442. Hate the sinner -- or God will pour his wrath out on you. 19:2

443. God inspired Jehoram's enemies to steal his wives and children. Then
he made Jehoram so sick that his bowels fell out. 21:14-19

444. God told Jehu to kill everyone in the house of Ahab (and then later
condemned him for it (Hosea 1:4)). 22:7-9
445. Only Levites can enter "the house of the Lord". "Whosoever else cometh
into the house, he shall be put to death." 23:6-7

446. The priest (Jehoiada) tells the people to kill Athaliah and her followers.
So they find her and kill her. "And all the people of the land rejoiced: and the
city was quiet, after that they had slain Athaliah with the sword." (Don't you
just love happy endings?) 23:14-15, 21

447. "Then all the people went to the house of Baal" and broke its altar into
pieces and killed Mattan the priest of Baal. 23:17

448. Amaziah (who "did that which was right in the sight of the Lord") killed
10,000 people; another 10,000 he left alive to throw off a cliff "that they all
were broken in pieces." 25:1-2, 11-12

449. God makes Uzziah a leper for burning incense without a license. 26:19-
21

450. Pekah killed 120,000 people in one day and enslaves 200,000 women
and children "because they had forsaken the Lord God of their fathers." 28:6,
8

451. God sent an angel to kill the Assyrian army. (According to 2 Kg.19:35
the angel killed 185,000 sleeping soldiers who woke the next morning to
discover that they were dead.) 32:21

452. God vows to "bring evil upon this place ... even all the curses that are
written in the book." He says his "wrath shall be poured out upon this place,
and shall not be quenched." 34:24-25, 28

453. God gets angry with his people, so he sends the king of the Chaldees to
kill all the "young men with the sword." He has compassion for no one, not
even old men that are "stooped for age." In his tender mercy and loving
kindness he has them all slaughtered. 36:16-17

Ezra

454. The Israelites offend God by "taking" foreign wives and thereby
corrupting "the holy seed." 9:2

455. Ezra tells the men that they must abandon their wives and children if
they are to avoid God's wrath. 10:2-3, 10-12

Nehemiah

456. The Ammonite and the Moabite should not come into the congregation
of God for ever. 13:1
457. Nehemiah rebukes the men for marrying "strange wives." To punish
them he "contended with them, and cursed them, and smote certain of them,
and plucked off their hair." 13:25-27

Esther

458. Vashti refuses to entertain the king's drunken guests by dancing before
them. For this she is no longer to be queen, to be replaced by someone better
(prettier?). 1:12-19

459. Because of Vashti's disobedience, the king decrees that "all the wives
shall give to their husbands honor, both the great and the small" and "that
every man should bear rule over his own house." 1:20-22

460. Esther suggests that the ten sons of Haman should also be hanged. So
"they hanged Haman's ten sons. 9:13-14

461. The Jews kill 75,000. 9:16

Job

462. God gives Satan power over all that Job possesses. 1:12

463. To start off God and Satan's gruesome game, Job's slaves and animals
are killed. 1:14-17

464. God (or Satan -- it's hard to tell them apart) sends a wind that kills Job's
sons and daughters. 1:18-19

465. God kills (or allows Satan to kill) Job's children, but Job doesn't
"foolishly" blame God. Since God was responsible, why would it be foolish to
blame God? 1:22

466. God and Satan play a little game with Job. God allows Satan to torment
Job, just to see how he will react. 2:3-6

467. "So went Satan forth from the presence of the LORD, and smote Job
with sore boils from the sole of his foot unto his crown." 2:7

468. Because of God's cruel wager with Satan, Job curses the day he was
born. 3:1-3, 11

469. God terrorizes people with arrows and poison. 6:4

470. God terrifies people by sending them nightmares while they sleep. 7:14

471. Does God pervert Justice? Well, if you believe the Bible he sure as hell
does! 8:3
472. God multiplies wounds without cause, destroys the perfect along with
the wicked, laughs at the trial of the innocent, and hides the truth from judges.
9:17, 22-24

473. Job asks God an excellent question: "Is it good unto thee that thou
shouldest oppress, that thou shouldest despise the work of thine hands?" God
doesn't answer. 10:3

474. Speaking of God, Job says: "He teareth me in his wrath, who hateth me:
he gnasheth upon me with his teeth." 16:9

475. The bible is wrong about ostriches being cruel and inattentive parents
(39:13-16). But if they were, whose fault would it be? Why would God deprive
them of the tools that are needed to do the job right? 39:17

476. All of Job's troubles were brought on by God. 42:11

477. After God (or Satan) kills Job's first set of kids (1:19), he is given an
even better set -- with even prettier daughters! 42:13-15

Psalms

478. If you ask God, he'll force heathens to be your slaves and help you
"dash them in pieces." 2:8-9

479. Kiss the Son or God will get angry and might have to kill you. 2:12

480. God has smitten his "enemies upon the cheek bone" and has "broken
the teeth of the ungodly." 3:7

481. Christians often say that one should love the sinner but hate the sin.
Perhaps, but God hates sinners and plans to destroy them. 5:5-6

482. If you pray to God, he will kill your enemies for you. 9:3-6

483. "The LORD shall cut off all flattering lips, and the tongue that speaketh
proud things." 12:3

484. Atheists are fools who never do anything good. 14:1, 53:1

485. The God of peace teaches us how to kill our neighbors in war. 18:34

486. If you make God angry, he'll burn you and your children to death. 21:9-
10

487. God will shoot his adversaries in the back with his arrows. 21:12

488. The psalmist sets an example for Christians by hating people but loving
God. 31:6
489. Those who fear God never starve. 33:19

490. Those "that seek the LORD shall not want any good thing." (Those who
are poor or hungry just aren't seeking God enough.) 34:10

491. A sweet prayer for the destruction of one's enemies: Let their way be
dark and slippery: and let the angel of the LORD persecute them.... Let
destruction come upon him at unawares." 35:6,8

492. Those who trust in God and do good, will never be hungry. (Those who
starve to death didn't trust him or did bad things.) 37:3

493. If you delight yourself in God, he'll give you whatever you want. 37:4

494. God laughs at those that he will later torment. 37:13

495. The Psalmist praises God for driving out and afflicting "the heathen" with
his own hand. 44:2

496. If you forget God, God will tear you into pieces. 50:22

497. If you don't trust in God, he'll kill you and while you're dying the
"righteous" will laugh at you. 52:5-7

498. God will send evil on the enemies of his followers. 54:5

499. Referring to his enemies, the psalmist says: "Let death seize upon them,
and let them go down quick into hell." 55:15

500. Wicked people are wicked from birth -- God made them that way. They
tell lies immediately after birth (before they can even talk!). 58:3

501. The psalmist devoutly prays: "Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth ...
let them be cut in pieces." 58:6-7

502. "The righteous" will rejoice when he sees "the wicked" being
dismembered by God. He'll even get a chance to wash his feet in their blood.
Now that's entertainment! 58:10

503. The psalmist asks God to kill all "the heathen" and not show them any
mercy. 59:5

504. God will laugh at the heathen as he kills them. 59:8

505. "The God of mercy" will let the psalmist see his enemies tormented.
59:10

506. "Consume them in thy wrath, consume them." -- more sweet prayers to
a savage god. 59:13
507. God divides the world into those countries that he likes and those that
he doesn't. Those he doesn't like he calls names (like "washpot") and says
that he will throw his sandal on them. 60:7-8

508. God will "wound the head of his enemies" so that the righteous can
wash their feet "in the blood of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in
the same." 68:21, 23

509. "The LORD heard this" (he had his hearing aid on) and became angry,
and burned people "because they believed not in God." 78:21-22

510. "The wrath of God came upon them" and God killed many of the
Israelites for not believing in "his wondrous works." 78:31-34

511. God "cast out the heathen" and gave their lands to the Israelites. 78:55

512. The psalmist asks God to pour out his wrath on somebody else for a
change. Why not torment some strangers "that have not known thee?" 79:5-6

513. The psalmist asks God to "do unto them as unto the Midianites ... which
became as dung for the earth." 83:9-18

514. If you don't follow God's commandments, he will beat you with a rod.
89:31-32

515. The psalmist recounts God's treatment of the Egyptians: "He smote the
firstborn in their land." See Ex.12:29-30 for the gory details. 105:29-36

516. God is praised for the creative ways that he kills people: drowning,
earth-swallowing, burning, etc. 106:11-19

517. God sent a plague on the Israelites for "committing whoredom with the
daughters of Moab." But "then stood up Phinehas, and executed judgment [by
throwing a spear through a newly married couple]: and so the plague was
stayed." But not before 24,000 (1 Cor.10:8 says 23,000) had died. (See
Num.25:6-9 for all the gory details.) 106:29-30

518. God is offended by those who make things with their hands or invent
things with their minds. 106:39

519. God destroys the environment to punish people for their sins. 107:33-34

520. The psalmist asks God to do all sorts of unpleasant things to his
enemies. "Set thou a wicked man over him; and let Satan stand at his right
hand .... Let his prayer become sin." He asks God to take away his
possessions, kill him, and have his children suffer for the sins of their fathers.
109:6-14

521. God will "fill the places with dead bodies" of heathens. 110:6
522. God is praised for slaughtering kings, nations, and little babies. 135:8,
10

523. "To him that smote Egypt in their first born: for his mercy endures
forever." 136:10

524. God "overthrew Pharaoh and his host in the Red sea: for his mercy
endureth for ever." 136:15

525. God "smote great kings: for his mercy endureth for ever." 136:17-18

526. "Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the
stones." 137:9

527. The psalmist excels at hating. He hates people with a "perfect hatred"
and asks God to kill them. 139:19-22

528. A prayer that God will burn people to death. 140:10

529. The God of Peace teaches us to kill each other in war. 144:1

530. The saints praise God while they kill and enslave "the heathen." 149:5-8

Proverbs

531. God will laugh at your misfortunes, mock you when you are afraid, and
ignore you when you ask him for help. And if you seek him, you will not find
him. 1:26-28

532. "The belly of the wicked shall want."
How to tell the good from the bad: Good people are the ones who get
plenty to eat, and wicked are the ones who go hungry. 13:25

533. God made bad people for the pleasure of punishing them. 16:4

534. Fools are meant to be beaten. 18:6

535. Beat your children and don't stop just because they cry. 19:18

536. Scorners (skeptics?) should be condemned; fools should be beaten.
19:29

537. "The wicked shall be a ransom for the righteous." 21:18

538. Beating your children will make them less foolish. Have you beaten your
child today? 22:15

539. Beat your children hard and often. Don't worry about hurting them. You
may break a few bones and cause some brain damage, but it isn't going to kill
them. And even if they do die, they'll be better off. They'll thank you in heaven
for beating the hell out of them. 23:13-14

540. Whip horses and strike the backs of foolish people with rods. 26:3

541. If you don't listen to and follow the laws of Moses, then don't even try
praying, because your prayer will become an abomination. 28:9

542. Beating your children will make them wise. 29:15

543. Beat your servants (slaves), as though they were your children. 29:19

544. If you mock your father or disobey your mother, the ravens will pick out
your eyeballs and the eagles will eat them. 30:17

Ecclesiastes (None)

Song of Solomon (None)

Isaiah

545. Those who refuse to reason correctly will "be devoured with the sword."
1:20

546. "They declare their sin as Sodom, they hide it not. Woe unto their soul!"
The biblical god just doesn't seem to care much for homosexuals. And he
gets especially upset when "they hide it not." 3:9

547. God will "smite with a scab the crown of the head of the daughters of
Zion" and "will discover their secret parts" since he doesn't like the way they
dress and walk. 3:16-17

"And ... instead of a sweet smell there shall be stink," with people suffering
from baldness and burnings, and the men killed with swords. 3:24-25

548. God will kill those who despise his word and fail to follow his laws. Their
carcasses will be "torn in the midst of the streets." 5:24-25

549. God will prevent people from hearing and understanding "lest they ...
convert and be healed." 6:10

550. If you associate or gird yourself, God will break you in pieces. 8:9

551. God will have no mercy on the widows and children of hypocrites. 9:17

552. God will make every man kill his brother and then force him to eat "the
flesh of his own arm." 9:19-20

553. I have commanded my sanctified ones ... to destroy the whole land."
God has his holy ones do his dirty work for him. 13:3-5
554. On God's day he will kill sinners with great anger, wrath, and cruelty.
Those who die will have their faces consumed by flames. 13:6-9

555. If God can find you, he will "thrust you through," smash your children "to
pieces" before your eyes, and rape your wife. He will have no mercy, but will
even kill your little children. 13:15-18

556. God will slaughter children "for the iniquity of their fathers." 14:21

557. After God destroys Moab, the rivers will be red with blood. He will send
lions to eat any survivors. 15:9

558. The God of Peace will set brother against brother and kingdom against
kingdom. Then he'll make the survivors seed the counsel of "wizards," and
subject them to a "cruel lord." 19:2-4

559. God sends a "perverse spirit" among the Egyptians and causes them to
err "as a drunken man staggereth in his vomit." 19:14

560. The Apocalypse of Isaiah: God will destroy the earth, burning everyone
and every living thing alive (except maybe a few men). 24:1-6

561. God will have no mercy on those who don't understand him. 27:11

562. God will put "a bridle in the jaws of the people, causing them to err."
30:28

563. "And the people shall ... be burned in the fire." 33:12

564. God is furious at everyone and is ready to kill them all. Or as Isaiah so
delicately puts it: "Their stink shall come up out of their carcasses, and the
mountains shall be melted with their blood." 34:2-3

565. God makes Egypt, Ethiopia, and Seba pay for Israel's sins. He says that
he likes Israel better than any other country so he's willing to sacrifice other
countries for the Israel's sake. 43:3-4

566. God is the creator of evil. 45:7

567. No astrologer, stargazer, or prognosticator will be able to save those that
God plans to burn to death. 47:13-14

568. God "will do his pleasure on Babylon." (He will mercilessly slaughter the
Babylonians.) 48:14

569. "I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be
drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine." 49:26
570. "The heavens shall vanish away like smoke, and the earth shall wax old
like a garment, and they that dwell therein shall die in like manner." (God
plans to destroy the universe.) 51:6

571. Nations that do not serve Israel will perish. 60:12

572. "I will ... trample them in my fury; and their blood ... will stain all my
raiment." (God's clothes will get stained with the blood of humans.) 63:2-6

573. "O Lord, why hast thou made us to err from thy ways, and hardened our
heart from thy fear?" Good question. 63:17

574. Every noble human act, every act of love, courage, and kindness is "an
unclean thing", "a filthy rag" to God. 64:6

575. Don't eat "swine flesh" (like ham or bacon) or other "abominable things"
or God will have to kill you. 65:4, 66:17

576. "God's servants" will eat, drink, and be merry; everyone else will be
hungry, thirsty, and ashamed -- until God kills them, that is. 65:13-16

577. God will "plead with all flesh" with fire and sword, "and the slain of the
Lord shall be many." 66:16

578. The carcasses of those killed by God will be piled high. They will rot and
burn forever. And although their stench will be revolting to humans, it will be a
sweet savour unto the Lord. 66:24

Jeremiah

579. God plans to send enemy nations against his "chosen people." 1:14-15

580. Those who worship "other gods" are wicked. 1:16

581. God tries to "correct" people by killing their children. 2:30

582. Droughts are punishments from God. 3:3

583. "As a wife treacherously departeth from her husband ..." If a woman
leaves her husband, she is "treacherous," but a man is blameless when he
"puts her away" for no reason. 3:20

584. Circumcise the foreskin of your heart or God will burn you to death. 4:4

585. God will bring evil to entire cities, destroying them and wipe out all of
their inhabitants. 4:6-7

586. God has "greatly deceived this people." 4:10
587. What was once fruitful is now barren. Birds have fled, people are gone,
towns are in ruins. All "by his (God's) fierce anger." 4:25-28

588. God sends plagues and violence to try to correct people. 5:3

589. Those who don't follow or know God are "poor" and "foolish." 5:4

590. God will send lions and leopards to tear people into pieces. 5:6

591. God will kill those who believe and preach the wrong doctrines. 5:12-13

592. God again talks of bringing a foreign nation to destroy his chosen ones
and their lands. 5:15-17

593. "I am full of the fury of the Lord; I am weary of holding it in." He's
anxious to "pour it out" on children, young men, husbands, wives, and old
people. 6:11-12

594. God will punish men by taking away all of their property, including their
wives, and giving them to others. 6:12

595. God "will bring evil upon this people, even the fruit of their thoughts"
because they refuse to do whatever the hell he asks them to do. 6:19

596. God plans to kill pretty much everyone: fathers and sons, family, friends,
and neighbors. God plans to kill them all after laying a stumbling block before
them. 6:21

597. God will send soldiers from the north that will kill everyone and have no
mercy. 6:22-23

598. God says that there are some people that you just shouldn't bother
praying for. And if you do he won't listen anyway. 7:16

599. God is angered by children who gather wood, fathers who make fires,
and women that make bread for the "queen of heaven" and other gods. 7:18

600. God will pour out his anger on both man and beast. Not even the trees
will be spared from his wrath. And the ground itself will burn forever. 7:20

601. God will feed the people to the birds and the beasts, "and none shall
fray them away." 7:33

602. To punish the men, God will "give their wives to others." 8:10

603. Don't trust anyone. Not even your neighbors, family, or friends. Those
who believe differently than you are all liars and evil doers. 9:4-6

604. God will give the people bad food and water, and then kill them with a
sword. 9:15-16
605. God will kill children and young men, and the dead bodies "shall fall as
dung .... and none shall gather them." 9:21-22

606. "Behold, the days come, saith the LORD, that I will punish all them
which are circumcised with the uncircumcised." I guess that'd include just
about everyone -- well, all the men anyway. 9:25-26

607. Jeremiah prays for the destruction of people and families that don't call
on God's name. 10:25

608. Those who don't follow the Old Testament laws are cursed by God. 11:3

609. God "will bring evil upon" people from which they will not be able to
escape. And if they cry out to him for help, he will not help them. 11:11

610. God forbids others from praying for his victims. Such prayers would go
unanswered anyway, he says, because he "will not hear them in their time of
trouble." 11:14

611. "For the Lord of hosts ... hath pronounced evil against thee." 11:17

612. Jeremiah prays for vengeance upon his enemies. 11:20

613. God will punish the people by killing their young men in war and starving
their children to death. 11:22

614. Jeremiah asks God to drag away his enemies like "sheep for the
slaughter." 12:3

615. God delivered his people "into the hand of her enemies." He "hates" his
"dearly beloved" people and plans to feed them to the birds. 12:7-9

616. God's sword will "devour" everyone until "no flesh shall have peace."
12:12

617. If any nation does not listen to God, he "will utterly pluck up and destroy
that nation." 12:17

618. God plans to make everyone in the kingdom drunk and then "dash the
fathers and the sons together." The merciful God of Peace vows to "not pity,
nor spare, nor have mercy, but destroy them." 13:13-14

619. God compares the destruction of Jerusalem to the rape of a woman who
deserves to be raped because she has sinned. 13:22

620. God tells Jeremiah not to pray for the people. God has decided to kill
them all and he doesn't want to be talked out of it. 14:11
621. God will ignore the peoples' prayers, and kill them all with war,
starvation, and disease. 14:12

622. God will destroy by famine and sword those who are misled by the
prophets, as well as the prophets themselves. 14:15-16

623. God tells Jeremiah not to bother praying for the people. Even if Moses
and Samuel (and Jesus?) were to ask him to reconsider, he wouldn't. He's
going to kill everybody and nobody can stop him! 15:1

624. God plans to do four things to his people: 1) kill them with swords, 2)
tear their flesh with dogs, 3) have the birds, and 4) the beasts eat their bodies.
Why will he do these terrible things? Because of something some former king
did. 15:2-4

625. God again threatens Jerusalem with mass destruction. Here are some
of the highlights: He will kill children, make more widows than there are grains
of sand, terrorize cities, and then kill the survivors. 15:7-9

626. God will have you enslaved and, if you make him mad enough, he will
burn you to death. 15:14

627. God tells Jeremiah not to get married or have children, because he's
going to kill everyone (mothers and daughters, fathers and sons). They all
"shall die of grievous deaths," and that shall neither "be lamented" nor buried,
but "shall be as dung upon the face of the earth." For he has removed peace,
"lovingkindness," and mercy from the people. 16:1-7

628. God will kill children if their parents worship other gods. 16:10-11

629. God will enslave the people of Judah because they worshipped the
wrong gods. 17:4

630. Jeremiah asks God to bring evil upon his enemies and to "destroy them
with double destruction." 17:18

631. If you don't honor the Sabbath, God will burn you to death
unquenchable fire. 17:27

632. God admits that he does evil things to people. 18:11

633. God will make the land desolate, "a perpetual hissing," so that "very one
that passeth thereby shall be astonished, and wag his head." 18:16

634. God will scatter the Israelites before their enemy. And then, on "the day
of their calamity," he'll show them his backside instead of his face. 18:17

635. Jeremiah asks God to kill the young men in war and the children by
starvation. 18:21
636. God will do so much evil to the people that whoever hears of it will have
their ears tingle. 19:3

637. God will make parents eat their own children, and friends each other.
19:7-9

638. God will break those who worship other gods as though they were made
of clay, killing so many that there will not be enough room to bury them all.
19:11-13

639. "For thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will make thee a terror to thyself,
and to all thy friends: and they shall fall by the sword of their enemies, and
thine eyes shall behold it." 20:4

640. "O LORD, thou hast deceived me, and I was deceived." 20:7

641. God himself will fight and kill everyone in fury "with an outstretched hand
and with a strong arm." 21:5

642. "I will smite the inhabitants of this city, both man and beast: they shall
die of a great pestilence." 21:6

643. God will deliver Zedekiah and those that survive the famine, disease,
and war into Nebuchadrezzar's hand, and "he shall smite them with the edge
of the sword; he shall not spare them, neither have pity, nor have mercy. 21:7

644. God tells the Judeans to either surrender to the Babylonians and
become their slaves or die. "Behold, I am against thee." No kidding. 21:9-13

645. God will have Jeconiah's enemies kill him and his mother and then
ensure that he die without leaving any sons. 22:25-30

646. God promises to bring more evil upon his chosen people. 23:12

647. God promises to kill everyone by war, starvation, and disease. 24:10

648. God says he is going to punish Nebuchadnezzar and the Babylonians
for what they have done to his people -- even though God Himself is the one
who made the Babylonians attack and enslave Judah! 25:12

649. God will force "all the kingdoms of the world" to drink "and be drunken".
Then he'll kill "all the inhabitants of the earth" with a sword. 25:26-29

650. God will kill so many people that the entire earth will be covered with
their dead bodies. No one is to mourn them or even bury them; "they shall be
dung upon the ground." 25:31-33

651. God will destroy "the peaceable habitations" and make the land desolate
"because of his fierce anger." 25:37-38
652. Anyone who disobeys King Nebuchadnezzar will be punished "with the
sword, and with the famine, and with the pestilence, until I have consumed
them by his hand." 27:8

653. God enslaved entire nations and forced them to serve Nebuchadnezzar,
"his servant". He even gave him all the wild animals and forced them to serve
him. 27:6, 28:14

654. God kills Hananiah for prophesying falsely. 28:15-17

655. God will send his usual blessings upon his people: "the sword, the
famine, and the pestilence." He "will make them like vile figs, that cannot be
eaten, they are so evil." 29:17-18

656. God will kill those who refuse listen to his prophets. 29:19

657. God will deliver Ahab and Zedekiah into the hands of Nebuchadrezzar
"and he shall slay them before your eyes" and Ahab will be "roasted in the
fire." 29:21-22

658. God will punish the children of Shemaiah for their father's false
prophecy. 29:32

659. God punishes children for the sins of their parents. 32:18

660. God brings evil upon people. 32:42

661. God litters the ground "with the dead bodies of men" that he has killed in
his anger and fury. 33:5

662. God threatens again to send his people the sword, pestilence, and
famine, saying he'll feed their dead bodies to the fowls and beasts of the
earth. 34:17-20

663. God is indeed the author of evil. Here he brags about bringing "all the
evil" he can think of upon the inhabitants of Jerusalem. 35:17

664. More evil plans from a supposedly good god. 36:3

665. More of the good God's evil plans. 36:31

666. "The LORD thy God hath pronounced this evil upon this place." 40:2

667. All those who move to Egypt will die by the sword, famine, or pestilence.
None "shall escape from the evil" that comes directly from God. 42:15-18, 22

668. God boasts some more about "all the evil that [he] has brought." 44:2

669. When God pours forth his fury and his anger, entire cities are destroyed.
44:6
670. God is angry at the Israelites for making things with their hands and
burning incense to other gods. 44:8

671. "Have you forgotten ... the wickedness of your wives?" Jeremiah blames
it all on "the wickedness" of the Israelites' wives. 44:9

672. God's not finished with Judah. He will bring more evil upon them. Even
those Jews that flee to Egypt will not be spared. God will hunt them down and
kill them all with war, famine, and disease. 44:11-13

673. God is going to do some really bad things to the people because the
women burned incense to the "Queen of Heaven" (Mary?). 44:15-23

674. "I will watch over them for evil, and not for good." 44:27

675. God says he will bring evil upon all flesh. 45:5

676. The day of the Lord will be "a day of vengeance." On that day God's
sword will become drunk with blood. 46:10

677. "I will punish the multitude of No, and Pharaoh, and Egypt, with their
gods, and their kings; even Pharaoh, and all them that trust in him." 46:25

678. God plans to drown the Philistines in a flood, and "all the men shall cry,
and all the inhabitants of the land shall howl." 47:2

679. God plans to kill just about everybody. "No city shall escape." 48:8

680. "Cursed by he that keepeth back his sword from blood." 48:10

681. God will destroy everyone in Moab. Fire will burn their heads, and their
sons and daughters will be taken captive. 48:42-47

682. God will cause the daughters of Rabbah to be burned with fire. 49:2

683. God will send such marvelous plagues on Edom that everyone will hiss
in astonishment. 49:17

684. God plans to "bring evil upon" the people of Elam. He says he'll kill them
all with a sword. 49:37

685. God says to do the usual thing to the inhabitants of "the land of
Merathaim": kill them all. 50:21

686. God commands that all Babylonian bullocks be slaughtered, that
archers shoot all Babylonians, and that all their men be killed in war. 50:27-30

687. God, the pyromaniac, will personally set the fires that will burn to death
the inhabitants of entire cities. 50:32
688. God plans to kill all the Babylonian horses, and to make the Babylonian
men "become like women." (A fate worse than death to a misogynous god.).
50:37

689. God wants us to be his "battle axe and weapons of war" to "break in
pieces the nations" and "destroy kingdoms." 51:20

690. God will "break in pieces" pretty much everyone and everything he can
think of. 51:21

Lamentations

691. God tramples "as in a winepress" mighty men, young men, and virgins.
1:15-16

692. "The Lord Was an enemy." 2:4-8

693. God mercilessly kills everyone, young and old. He even causes women
to eat their children. 2:20-22

694. God is like a bear or a lion who secretly pursues you and then tears you
apart. 3:10-11

695. "Out of the mouth of the Most High proceedeth not good and evil?"
Mostly evil, I'd say -- at least if you believe the Bible. 3:38

696. "Give them sorrow of heart, thy curse unto them. Persecute and destroy
them in anger." 3:63-64

697. God punishes the Israelites by starving their children to death. 4:4-9

698. God "accomplishes his fury" by making women eat their children. 4:10-
11

699. God punished the Israelites for the sins of their fathers. 5:9

Ezekiel

700. If a good person does something wrong after God "lays a stumbling
block before him," then God will kill him. "He shall die in his sin" and whatever
good he has done will be forgotten. 3:20

701. God punishes everyone in Israel with a drought and famine. 4:16-17

702. God will slaughter everyone by killing one third with plagues, one third
with famines, and one third with wars. If any somehow survive, he'll send "evil
beasts" to devour them. Finally, after he's done killing, he "will be comforted."
5:11-17
703. God will cause the fathers to eat their sons and the sons to eat their
fathers. 5:10

704. God will decorate the land with the bones and dead bodies of those who
worship a different god. 6:4-5

705. God makes his presence known by killing people with famine, disease,
and war. 6:7-14

706. God will pour out his fury on everyone, with pity toward none. By so
doing he says that "ye shall know that I am the Lord that smiteth." Indeed,
who would else would behave so viciously? 7:3-9

707. God's is mad at everyone and no one will escape his wrath. He'll kill
them all with war, disease, and starvation. "Horror shall cover them" and "they
shall know that I am the Lord." 7:14-28

708. God promises again to slaughter everyone. He says that he will ignore
them when they plead with him for mercy. 8:18

709. God sends a "man clothed with linen" to mark the foreheads of the men
who will be saved. Apparently only men are considered good enough to keep,
the others (unmarked men, "maids", little children, and women) are to be
slaughtered. God says he'll "fill the courts with the slain" and will have pity on
no one. 9:4-10

710. When you fall by the sword, you'll know that he is the Lord. 11:8-12

711. When God kills everyone in the city, then you'll know that he is the Lord.
(Who else would be so cruel?) 12:15-16, 20

712. God gets mad at a wall and destroys it, along with those who worked on
it. 13:14-15

713. God again vows to destroy those that dare worship something or
someone other than him. 14:6-8

714. God deceives some of his prophets and then kills them for believing his
lies. 14:9

715. When really bad things happen (like you get eaten by wild beasts, get
killed in war, get sick and die, etc.), then you'll know that it was God that did it
to you. 14:13, 15, 19, 21

716. God will burn the inhabitants of Jerusalem to show everyone that he is
the Lord. 15:6-7

717. For being such a whore, God punished Jerusalem by starving the
Israelites and handing them over to the Philistines. 16:17
718. After exposing her nakedness, God will give her "blood in fury and
jealousy" and strip her naked once more. 16:38-41

719. God will kill you for making a single mistake; all your good deeds he will
ignore. 18:24

720. God planned to "pour out [his] fury" on the Hebrews in Egypt for
worshipping idols. But then he changed his mind, thank God. 20:7-8

721. God gave the Israelites "statutes that were not good and judgments
whereby they should not live." He "polluted" them so that he "might make
them desolate" and force them to kill and sacrifice their children "that they
might know" that he is the Lord. 20:25-26

722. God will set a fire in the southern kingdom that will devour everything
and burn everyone. "And all flesh shall see that I the LORD have kindled it."
20:47-48

723. God will kill everyone -- good and bad, just and unjust. 21:3-4

724. God describes the various ways that he will kill people. 21:8-32

725. "Thou shalt be for fuel to the fire; thy blood shall be in the midst of the
land ... for I the LORD have spoken it." 21:32

726. God will gather all of Israel and consume them in the fires of his anger.
22:20-22

727. God couldn't find anyone to stand up to him, so he's going to destroy
everyone. 22:30-31

728. Two sisters were guilty of "committing whoredoms" by pressing their
breasts and bruising "the teats of their virginity." As a punishment, one sister's
nakedness was discovered, her children were taken from her, and she was
killed by the sword. And the fate of the surviving sister was even worse: Her
nose and ears were cut off, she was made to "pluck off" her own breasts, and
then after being raped and mutilated, she is stoned to death. 23:1-49

729. God gets all excited about cooking with "scum" and human flesh, saying
"kindle the fire, consume the flesh, and spice it well, and let the bones be
burned." 24:3-14

730. God kills Ezekiel's wife and then tells him not to mourn her. 24:15-18

731. God will kill everyone that claps his hands or stamps his feet "against
the land of Israel." When he's done with the killing everyone will know that he
is the Lord. 25:6-17

732. God says he will destroy Tyrus. He plans to kill everyone, but he is
especially looking forward to killing all of the women. "And her daughters
which are in the field shall be slain by the sword; and they shall know that I
am the LORD." 26:1-21

733. Now God has singled out the king of Tyre for his tirades. 28:7-10, 18-19

734. Watch out or God will make you "die the deaths of the uncircumcised,"
which is, no doubt, a most unpleasant death. 28:10

735. God says that Zidon will know that he is the Lord when he \ sends
"pestilence and blood into her streets." 28:22-23

736. God tells Ezekiel to prophesy against the pharaoh and against all Egypt.
God says he will feed the Egyptians to the birds and beasts. 29:2-5

737. God makes "all their loins to be at a stand." When this is achieved, God
will get out his sword and "cut off man and beast out of thee." Ouch! 29:7-9

738. "The day ... of the LORD is near, a cloudy day; it shall be the time of the
heathen." God plans to wipe out the heathen. When? Soon. Really soon. 30:3

739. God will punish Egypt and her allies by sending Nebuchadrezzar to "fill
the land with the slain." God will top it off by making "the rivers dry," selling the
land to "the wicked," making "the land waste," lighting fires, and having the
young men "fall by the sword." 30:4-26

"And they shall know that I am the LORD, when I have set a fire in Egypt."
(The Divine Pyromaniac) 30:8, 30:14, 30:16

740. God will treat Pharaoh like a whale fished out of the sea. Every bird and
beast in the world will feed upon him. 32:3-6

741. God will vex the hearts of many people, destroy entire nations, brandish
his sword, kill animals, and cause floods. In this way people will come to know
him (just before he kills them?). 32:9-15

742. God takes a break from killing people while he kills all the animals in
Egypt. 32:13

743. Pharaoh and all his multitude, along with the uncircumcised, will be
killed with the sword. 32:20-32

744. If a "righteous" person does something wrong, God will forget every
good thing that that person has ever done. Then God will kill him for the single
mistake. 33:13

745. God plans some more killing by the sword, beasts, and the pestilence.
33:27-29

746. God will kill everyone in the cities, "and thou shalt know that I am the
LORD." 35:3-4
747. "And I will fill his mountains with his slain men, and ye shalt know that I
am the LORD." 35:6-9

748. God will return their own anger and hatred upon them, "and they shall
know that I am the LORD." 35:11-15

749. God is furious in the fire of his jealousy. 36:5-6

750. Someday the God of Peace will start a war between Gog and Israel.
38:16

751. God will cause each man's sword to be against his brother; he will send
disease and make it rain fire and brimstone. He says that by doing this he'll
magnify and sanctify himself and let everyone know that he is the Lord. 38:21-
23

752. God will have birds and beasts eat human flesh and drink human blood
until they are full and drunken. 39:4, 17-20, 28

753. God "will send a fire on Magog ... and the heathen shall know that I am
the Lord." 39:6-7

754. God hid his face from the Israelites, refusing to hear their prayers, while
giving "them into the hand of their enemies: so fell they all by the sword."
39:23-24

Daniel

755. Nebuchadnezzar, after first trying to burn to death the three Hebrews,
now decrees that everyone who says anything against the Hebrew god "shall
be cut in pieces, and their houses shall be made a dunghill." 3:29

756. After going through a rather bizarre ordeal, inflicted upon him by God,
Nebuchadnezzar heaps praise upon God -- in whose eyes "all the inhabitants
of the earth are reputed as nothing." 4:34-35

757. King Darius, after trying to feed Daniel to the lions, orders those who
accused Daniel (and their wives and children) to be cast into the lion den.
"And the lions ... brake all their bones in pieces." 6:24

Hosea

758. God "will not have mercy upon ... the children of whoredoms. For their
mother hath played the harlot." 2:4-5

759. Hosea buys a wife for 15 pieces of silver and one and a half homers of
barley. 3:2
760. If you misbehave, God will make your daughters "commit whoredom"
and your wife "commit adultery." 4:13

761. God will tear up Ephraim like a lion so that "in their affliction they will
seek me." 5:14

762. "Woe unto them! for they have fled from me: destruction unto them!"
7:13

763. For ignoring God "their princes shall fall by the sword." 7:16

764. God will induce miscarriages and kill the children of Ephraim. 9:11-12

765. "O Lord: what wilt thou give? give them a miscarrying womb and dry
breasts." 9:14

766. God hates the sinner even more than the sin. 9:15

767. "I will slay even the beloved fruit of their womb." 9:16

768. God will punish Israel by "dashing" together mothers and their children.
10:14

769. The blame for Ephraim's bloody destruction falls on Ephraim, not on
God. Even though God is the one who brings it about. 12:14

770. Because the Samaritans chose to worship another deity, God will dash
their infants to pieces and their "women with child shall be ripped up." 13:16

Joel

771. God torments the animals by burning their food and drying up the rivers.
1:18-20

772. God says he will repay Israel for the damage the locusts caused --
which he sent! And they will "praise the name of the Lord." 2:25-26

773. "And I will sell your sons and your daughters." 3:8

Amos

774. The divine pyromaniac threatens to "send fire unto" Hazael, Gaza,
Tyrus, Teman, Rabbah, Moab, and Judah. 1:4, 7, 10, 12, 14; 2:2, 5

775. God says there are three or four reasons for him to punish Moab. But he
only mentions one: "because he burned the bones of the king of Edom." So
God burned Moab because they burned some bones. 2:1

776. God will "slay all the princes" of Moab. 2:3
777. God destroyed the Amorites who were a race of giants as tall as cedars
and as strong as oaks. 2:9

778. God explains that he punishes the Israelites because he knows them so
well. 3:2

779. All evil comes from God. 3:6

780. God afflicts the Israelites with "cleanness of teeth" (famine) and drought.
And then he wonders why they don't turn to him. 4:6-9

781. God sends the pestilence, kills young men with the sword, and makes
the "stink of your camps to come up unto your nostrils," and nearly destroys
them (ala Sodom & Gomorrah). 4:10

782. God tells the Israelites to seek him or he'll kill 90% of them. 5:3-4

783. Seek God or he'll burn you to death. 5:6

784. When there is wailing and mourning, you'll know God's been there. 5:16-
17

785. God rejects the Israelites prayers, songs, and sacrifices because they
worshipped other gods and didn't offer enough sacrifices during the Exodus
(many centuries ago). To punish them he'll make them all slaves. 5:21-27

786. "The Lord GOD hath sworn by himself ... I abhor the excellency of
Jacob, and hate his palaces: therefore will I deliver up the city." God swears to
himself that he hates Jacob's palaces, so he will deliver up the city (and kill
everyone in it). 6:8

787. God says, "If there remain ten men in one house, that they shall die."
6:9

788. "The LORD commandeth, and he will smite the great house with
breaches, and the little house with clefts."
(God will destroy people's houses.) 6:11

789. "I will raise up against you a nation, O house of Israel, saith the LORD
the God of hosts; and they shall afflict you." 6:14

790. In the first of Amos' visions, God makes some grasshoppers and sends
them to devour the peoples' crops. 7:1-2

791. Next God sends a fire that consumes both land and sea. 7:4

792. God will kill the house of Jeroboam with the sword, and force the
Israelites into captivity. 7:9-11
793. Amos tells Amaziah that his wife will become a whore, his children will
be killed, and he'll die in a pagan country. 7:17

794. God tells Amos that the end has come for the people of Israel. He won't
wait any longer to kill them all. 8:2

795. God will kill so many people that dead bodies will lay everywhere. 8:3-14

796. "They shall run to and fro to seek the word of the LORD, and shall not
find it." 8:12

797. God will "slay the last of them with the sword." Any that try to escape by
diving to the bottom of the sea will be bitten, at God's command, by a serpent.
God will set his "eyes upon them for evil, not for good." 9:1-4

798. God will destroy the "the sinful kingdom" and "all the sinners" among his
people. 9:8-10

Obadiah

799. The Israelites hear "a rumor from the Lord" telling them to start a war
with the Edomites. 1, 8

800. God tells Israelites to "destroy the wise men out of Edom" and to
slaughter "everyone of the mount of Esau." 8-9

801. God will burn all the heathen to death, "for the LORD hath spoken it."
16-18

Jonah (None)

Micah

802. God will destroy Samaria with stones. 1:6

803. "Evil came down from the Lord." 1:12

804. "Behold, against this family do I devise an evil." 2:3

805. Plucking off skin, flesh from bones, eating human flesh, flaying off skin,
breaking bones, chopping bodies in pieces, making human stew. All this and
more will happen to God's favorite people. But when they "cry unto the Lord,
he will not hear them." 3:2-4

806. Because the leaders of the nation were corrupt, God plans to punish
everyone. 3:9-12

807. God will strengthen the Israelites so they can "beat in pieces many
peoples" and give the booty to God. 4:13
808. "They shall waste the land of Assyria with the sword." 5:6

809. Like a young lion "the remnant of Jacob" will tear the Gentiles to pieces.
5:8

810. "Thine hand shall be lifted up upon thine adversaries, and all thine
enemies shall be cut off." 5:9

811. God will "cut off" the witches and soothsayers. 5:11-12

812. God will destroy entire cities, and "execute vengeance in anger and fury
upon the heathen such as they have not heard." 5:14-15

813. God will make his people sick, hungry, and desolate. Those who survive
he will "give up to the sword." 6:13-16

814. The Gentiles will be made deaf, shall lick dust and be forced to crawl
like worms from fear of God and his people. 7:16-17

Nahum

815. God is jealous, gets furious, and takes vengeance on his
adversaries.1:2

816. God doesn't just get even. He drowns his enemies. 1:8

817. "Take ye the spoil of silver, take the spoil of gold."
God encourages stealing from the people of Ninevh. 2:9

818. God punished Nineveh by enslaving the people and smashing the little
children in the streets. 3:10

819. God says that "the fire shall devour thee, the sword shall cut thee off, it
shall eat thee up like the cankerworm." 3:15

Habakkuk

820. God will have the Chaldeans (Babylonians) devastate Israel. 1:6

821. God will strike down the Chaldeans (Babylonians) for attacking Israel.
But, in verse 1:6, God made them do just that! 2:8

822. "Before him [God] went the pestilence, and burning coals at his feet."
3:5

823. Habakkuk praises God for slaughtering "the heathen." 3:12

Zephaniah

824. God plans to kill every living thing. 1:2-3
825. God will "cut off" all those who "have not sought the Lord" or who
worship another god. 1:4-6

826. God "will punish the princes, and the king's children, and all such as are
clothed with strange apparel" or "leap on the threshold." 1:8-9

827. God doesn't have night-vision, so he needs candles when he comes to
punish the people that say, "The LORD will not do good, neither will he do
evil." 1:12

828. God will "bring distress upon men" so that they "walk like blind men." He
will pour out their blood like dust and "their flesh as dung." 1:17

829. God will kill all the inhabitants of the sea coast. 2:5

830. God will destroy Moab and Ammon just like he did to Sodom and
Gomorrah. 2:9

831. God will kill the Ethiopians with his own sword. 2:12

832. God destroyed entire cities, killing all the inhabitants. 3:6

833. "All of the earth shall be devoured with the fire of my jealousy." 3:8

Haggai

834. After God blew the houses down, the Israelites repaired their own
houses while ignoring the temple. So God sent a drought to punish them. 1:9-
11

835. God sent blight and hail upon the Israelites, yet they still didn't return to
him. 2:17

836. God will make the horses and their riders be killed by "the sword of his
brother." 2:22

Zechariah

837. The Israelites are God's favorite people, "the apple of his eye." 2:8

838. "For I set all men every one against his neighbor." 8:10

839. "Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... ten men ... shall take hold of the skirt
of him that is a Jew." 8:23

840. God will cast out Tyrus and devour it with fire. 9:4

841. God will mercilessly "feed the flock of slaughter" by making every one
kill his neighbor. 11:6
842. "Let the rest eat every one the flesh of another." 11:9

843. "Woe to the idle shepherd." He will be mutilated and blinded. 11:17

844. God will open his eyes and smite "every rider with madness ... and
every horse ... with blindness." 12:4

845. A prophet must be killed by his own parents by "thrusting him through
when he prophesieth." 13:3

846. God will make "all nations" fight against Jerusalem. The women will be
"ravished" and half its people enslaved. 14:1-2

847. God will "go forth and fight" for Jerusalem with "his feet" on the mount of
Olives. 14:3

848. God will smite the people with plagues that will cause their flesh, eyes,
and tongues to rot away. 14:12

849. God will make everyone fight and kill his neighbor. 14:13

850. God sends his plagues on animals too. 14:15

851. Whoever survives all these plagues and slaughters must worship God.
14:16

852. God will "smite the heathen" with a plague. 14:18

Malachi

853. God, for some strange reason, "hated Esau." 1:3

854. God hates the Edomites, and his hatred will last forever. 1:4

855. God continues to demand animal sacrifices. And not just any animals
will do. He is insulted when blind, lame, or sick animals are killed for him. 1:8,
13-14

856. Give glory to God or he will curse you. 2:2

857. God curses the Israelites for "robbing" him by not paying the proper
amount of money in tithes. 3:9

858. God will burn "the wicked" and the "righteous" will walk around on their
ashes. 4:1-3

859. The Old Testament ends fittingly with these words: "lest I come and
smite the earth with a curse." 4:6
860. God will burn "the wicked" and the "righteous" will walk around on their
ashes. 25:1-3

Matthew

861. While insulting the Pharisees and Sadducees, John the Baptist calls an
entire generation a "generation of vipers." 3:7

862. Those who bear bad fruit will be cut down and burned "with
unquenchable fire." 3:10, 12

863. Jesus strongly approves of the law and the prophets. He hasn't the
slightest objection to the cruelties of the Old Testament. 5:17

864. Don't defend yourself in court. 5:40

865. "If ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive
your trespasses."
Fair is fair! 6:15

866. Jesus recommends that to avoid sin we cut off our hands and pluck out
our eyes. This advice is given immediately after he says that anyone who
looks with lust at any women commits adultery. 5:29-30

867. Jesus says that most people will go to hell. 7:13-14

868. Those who fail to bear "good fruit" will be "hewn down, and cast into the
fire." 7:19

869. "My servant lieth at home sick."
Here was the perfect opportunity for Jesus to condemn slavery. All he'd
have to do is say, "OK, I'll heal him. But then you must set your slave free,
because slavery is an abomination to God." 8:5-9

870. "the children of the kingdom [the Jews] shall be cast out into outer
darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth." 8:12

871. Jesus tells a man who had just lost his father: "Let the dead bury the
dead." 8:21

872. Jesus sends some devils into a herd of pigs, causing them to run off a
cliff and drown in the waters below. 8:32

873. Jesus tells his disciples to keep away from the Gentiles and Samaritans,
and go only to the Israelites. 10:5-6

874. Cities that neither "receive" the disciples nor "hear" their words will be
destroyed by God. It will be worse for them than for Sodom and Gomorrah.
And you know what God supposedly did to those poor folks (see Gen.19:24).
10:14-15
875. Families will be torn apart because of Jesus (this is one of the few
"prophecies" in the Bible that has actually come true). "Brother shall deliver up
the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up
against their parents, and cause them to be put to death." 10:21

876. Jesus says that we should fear God who is willing and "able to destroy
both soul and body in hell." 10:28

877. "Whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my
Father which is in heaven." 10:33

878. Jesus says that he has come to destroy families by making family
members hate each other. He has "come not to send peace, but a sword."
10:34-36

879. Jesus warns us not to love our parents or children too much. We have to
make sure that we always love him (who we don't even know existed) more
than our family. 10:37

880. Jesus condemns entire cities to dreadful deaths and to the eternal
torment of hell because they didn't care for his preaching. 11:20-24

881. When Jesus' mother and brothers want to see him, Jesus rudely asks,
"Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?" So much for Jesus' family values.
12:47-49

882. Jesus explains that the reason he speaks in parables is so that no one
will understand him, "lest ... they ... should understand ... and should be
converted, and I should heal them." 13:10-15

883. "For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more
abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that
he hath." Isn't this from the Republican Party platform? 13:12

884. Jesus will send his angels to gather up "all that offend" and they "shall
cast them into a furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth."
13:41-42, 50

885. Jesus is criticized by the Pharisees for not washing his hands before
eating. He defends himself by attacking them for not killing disobedient
children according to the commandment: "He that curseth father or mother, let
him die the death." (See Ex.21:15, Lev.20:9, Dt.21:18-21) So, does Jesus
think that children who curse their parents should be killed? It sure sounds like
it. 15:4-7

886. Jesus refuses to heal the Canaanite woman's possessed daughter,
saying "it is not meet to take the children's bread, and to cast it to the dogs."
15:22-26
887. "Whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life
for my sake shall find it."
If you want to stay alive, you must lose your life (kill yourself?) for Jesus'
sake. 16:25

888. Jesus condemns the whole world, saying "Woe unto the world because
of offenses." 18:7

889. Jesus advises his followers to mutilate themselves by cutting off their
hands and plucking out their eyes. He says it's better to be "maimed" than to
suffer "everlasting fire." 18:8-9

890. In the parable of the unforgiving servant, the king threatens to enslave a
man and his entire family to pay for a debt. This practice, which was common
at the time, seems not to have bothered Jesus very much. 18:25

891. "And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors." 18:34

892. Rich people don't go to heaven. For as Jesus says, "It is easier for a
camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the
kingdom of God. 19:23

893. Abandon your wife and children for Jesus and he'll give you a big
reward. 19:29

894. In the parable of the marriage feast, the king sends his servants to
gather everyone they can find, both bad and good, to come to the wedding
feast. One guest didn't have on his wedding garment, so the king tied him up
and "cast him into the outer darkness" where "there shall be weeping and
gnashing of teeth." 22:12-13

895. Jesus condemns the Jews for being "the children of them which killed
the prophets." 23:31

896. Jesus blames his the Jews (who were then living) for "all the righteous
blood" from Abel to Zecharias, 23:35

897. Jesus had no problem with the idea of drowning everyone on earth in
the flood. It'll be just like that when he returns. 24:37

898. God will come when people least expect him and then he'll "cut them
asunder." And "there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth." 24:50-51

899. Jesus will give to those who already have and take from those who have
nothing. He must've been a republican. 25:29

900. The servant who kept and returned his master's talent was cast into the
"outer darkness" where there will be "weeping and gnashing of teeth." 25:30
901. Jesus tells us what he has planned for those that he dislikes. They will
be cast into an "everlasting fire." 25:41

902. Jesus says the damned will be tormented forever. 25:46

903. "His blood be on us, and on our children." This verse blames the Jews
for the death of Jesus and has been used to justify their persecution for
twenty centuries. 27:25

Mark

904. Jesus becomes angry at those who said that he had "an unclean spirit,"
so he announces the unforgivable sin: "blasphemy against the Holy Ghost."
3:29

905. Jesus explains why he speaks in parables: to confuse people so they
will go to hell. 4:11-12

906. "For he that hath, to him shall be given: and he that hath not, from him
shall be taken even that which he hath." -- The US Republican Party motto
4:25

907. Jesus sends the devils into 2000 pigs, causing them to jump off a cliff
and be drowned in the sea. When the people hear about it, they beg Jesus to
leave. 5:12-13

908. Any city that doesn't "receive" the followers of Jesus will be destroyed in
a manner even more savage than that of Sodom and Gomorrah. 6:11

909. Jesus criticizes the Jews for not killing their disobedient children as
required by Old Testament law. (See Ex.21:15, Lev.20:9, Dt.21:18-21) 7:9-10

910. Jesus initially refuses to cast out a devil from a Syrophoenician woman's
daughter, calling the woman a "dog". After much pleading, he finally agrees to
cast out the devil. 7:27

911. If you're ashamed of Jesus, he'll be ashamed of you. (And you'll go
straight to hell.) 8:38

912. Jesus gets mad at his disciples for failing to cast out a devil and says,
"O faithless generation, how long shall I be with you? how long shall I suffer
you? 9:19

913. Jesus tells us to cut off our hands and feet, and pluck out our eyes to
avoid going to hell. 9:43-49

914. Jesus says that rich people cannot go to heaven. For "it is easier for a
camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the
kingdom of God. 10:25
915. Jesus will reward men who abandon their wives and families. 10:29-30

916. In the last days God will make things especially rough on pregnant
women. 13:17

917. Jesus says that those that believe and are baptized will be saved, while
those who don't will be damned. 16:16

Luke

918. God strikes Zacharias dumb for doubting the angel Gabriel's words. 1:20

919. "How shall this be, seeing I know not a man?"
Just a few verses earlier (1:17-20), Zacharias is struck dumb for doubting
his wife's angel-assisted pregnancy. Why wasn't Mary punished for her
disbelief? 1:34-35

920. Those who fail to bear "good fruit" will be "hewn down, and cast into the
fire." 3:9

921. "Be content with your wages" -- no matter how unjust they may be. 3:14

922. John the Baptist says that Christ will burn the damned "with fire
unquenchable." 3:17

923. Peter and his partners (James and John) abandon their wives and
children to follow Jesus. 5:11

924. Jesus says that people who are rich, well-fed, happy, or respected are
going to hell. 6:24-26

925. "That he would come and heal his servant"
Here was the perfect opportunity for Jesus to condemn slavery. All he'd
have to do is say, "OK, I'll heal him. But then you must set your slave free,
because slavery is an abomination to God." 7:2-10

926. Jesus says that he speaks in parables so "that seeing they might not
see, and hearing they might not understand." 8:10

927. Jesus, when told that his mother and brothers want to see him, ignores
and insults them by saying that his mother and brothers are those who hear
the word of God and do it. 8:20-21

928. Jesus heals a naked man who was possessed by many devils by
sending the devils into a herd of pigs, causing them to run off a cliff and drown
in the sea. This messy, cruel, and expensive (for the owners of the pigs)
treatment did not favorably impress the local residents, and Jesus was asked
to leave. 8:27-37
929. Jesus speaks harshly to his disciples because they couldn't cure
epilepsy by casting out devils. 9:41

930. Jesus says that entire cities will be violently destroyed and the
inhabitants "thrust down to hell" for not "receiving" his disciples. 10:10-15

931. Jesus blames all the deaths of the prophets [from Abel(?) to Zacharias]
on his generation. 11:47-50

932. Jesus says that we should fear God since he has the power to kill us
and then torture us forever in hell. 12:5

933. Those who "blaspheme against the Holy Ghost" will never be forgiven.
12:10

934. Jesus says that God is like a slave-owner who beats his slaves "with
many stripes." 12:46-47

935. Jesus calls the people hypocrites because they cannot "discern this
time." 12:56

936. According to Jesus, only a few will be saved; the vast majority will suffer
eternally in hell where "there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth." 13:23-
30

937. Jesus says that his disciples must hate their families (mothers, fathers,
brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, children) and themselves. 14:26

938. If you want to be a disciple of Jesus, you must abandon everything,
including your family. 14:33

939. In the parable of the rich man and Lazarus, the rich man goes to hell,
because as Abraham explains, he had a good life on earth and so now he will
be tormented. Whereas Lazarus, who was miserable on earth, is now in
heaven. This seems fair to Jesus. 16:19-31

940. Jesus believed the story of Noah's ark. He thought it really happened
and had no problem with the idea of God drowning everything and everybody.
17:26-27

941. Jesus also believes the story about Noah's flood and Sodom's
destruction. He says, "even thus shall it be in the day the son of man is
revealed ... Remember Lot's wife." This tells us about Jesus' knowledge of
science and history, and his sense of justice. 17:29-32

942. Rich people cannot go to heaven. "For it is easier for a camel to go
through a needle's eye, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God."
18:25
943. In the parable of the talents, Jesus says that God takes what is not
rightly his, and reaps what he didn't sow. The parable ends with the words:
"bring them [those who preferred not to be ruled by him] hither, and slay them
before me." 19:22-27

John

944. As an example to parents everywhere and to save the world (from
himself), God had his own son tortured and killed. 3:16

945. People are damned or saved depending only on what they believe. 3:18,
36

946. The "wrath of God" is on all unbelievers. 3:36

947. Jesus believes people are crippled by God as a punishment for sin. He
tells a crippled man, after healing him, to "sin no more, lest a worse thing
come unto thee." 5:14

948. "Jesus knew from the beginning who they were that believed not ... No
man can come unto me, except it were given unto him of my Father."
God decides who will believe (and therefore Go to heaven) and those who
will not (and therefore go to hell). We have nothing to do with it. 6:64-65

949. Jesus tells his family that he wasn't going to the feast, but later goes "in
secret." 7:8-10

950. If you don't believe in Jesus, you will "die in your sins" (and then go to
hell). 8:24

951. Jesus calls his opponents (the Jews) the sons of the devil. 8:44

952. The disciples ask Jesus about the cause of a man's blindness. Was it
because he or his parents sinned? Jesus said neither had sinned. The man
was born blind so that Jesus could show off his powers by curing him of his
blindness. 9:1-3

953. Jesus says that he has come to make people blind. 9:39

954. "All that ever came before me are thieves and robbers." All the prophets,
kings, and heroes of the Old Testament; everyone that ever lived before him
was a thief and a robber. 10:8

955. Lararus must suffer and die so that Jesus can "be glorified" by raising
him from the dead. 11:4

956. Mary wastes expensive ointment on Jesus' feet, rather than selling the
ointment and giving the money to the poor. But Jesus thinks his feet are more
important, saying that poor people will always be around, but he and his
precious feet won't be. (According to the New Oxford Annotated Bible, 300
denarii would be nearly a year's wage for a laborer.) 12:3-8

957. You must hate your life in order to keep it. (If you love your life, you'll go
to hell after you die.) 12:25

958. The reason people didn't believe in Jesus was that God had "blinded
their eyes, and hardened their heart." God did this so that they would not
"understand with their heart, and be converted." This way God could damn
more people to hell. 12:40

959. If you don't believe in Jesus you are going to hell. 12:48

960. Jesus is the only way to heaven. All other religions lead to hell. 14:6

961. "He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth
me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father."
If you follow Jesus' teachings, God will love you -- otherwise... well, you
know. 14:21

962. Those who do not believe in Jesus will be cast into a fire to be burned.
15:6

963. Now that Jesus has come, non-believers have no excuse for not
believing in him. 15:22

Acts

964. Peter blames the Jews for the death of Jesus. 3:14-15

965. Peter claims that Dt.18:18-19 refers to Jesus, saying that those who
refuse to follow him (all nonchristians) must be killed. 3:23

966. God will torture forever those who don't know the password to heaven.
4:12

967. Peter and God scare Ananias and his wife to death for not forking over
all of the money that they made when selling their land. 5:1-10

968. Once again, Peter accuses the Jews of murdering Jesus. 5:30

969. Stephen blames the Jews for persecuting the prophets and murdering
Jesus. 7:51-52

970. The Jews are again blamed for the death of Jesus. 10:39

971. The "angel of the Lord" killed Herod by having him "eaten of worms"
because "he gave not God the glory." 12:23
972. Paul and the Holy Ghost conspire together to make Elymas (the
sorcerer) blind. 13:8-11

973. The author of Acts brags about God destroying "seven nations of the
land of Canaan." 13:19

974. God chooses those who will believe [the right things], and only they will
go to heaven. 13:48

975. If you "believe on the Lord Jesus Christ," then you and your whole family
will be saved; otherwise, God will send you all to hell. 16:30-31

976. "And when they [the Jews of Corinth] opposed themselves, and
blasphemed, he [Paul] shook his raiment, and said unto them, Your blood be
upon your own heads." (Have a nice day?) 18:6

Romans

977. "The wrath of God" is on all unbelievers. 1:18-20

978. Atheists have dark and foolish hearts. 1:21

979. The existence and nature of God are self-evident; thus, unbelievers are
"without excuse." 1:20

980. God abandons those who don't know him to "uncleanness and vile
affections." 1:24, 26, 28

981. With his usual intolerance, Paul condemns homosexuals (including
lesbians). This is the only clear reference to lesbians in the Bible. 1:26-28

982. Homosexuals (those "without natural affection") and their supporters
(those "that have pleasure in them") are "worthy of death." 1:31-32

983. Paul asks the very good question: "Is there unrighteousness who taketh
vengeance [upon innocent people]?" The obvious answer to this is, yes. 3:5

984. Paul says that those who accuse him of lying deserve damnation. 3:8

985. The guilty are "justified" and "saved from wrath" by the blood of an
innocent victim. 5:9

986. God punishes everyone for someone else's sin; then he saves them by
killing an innocent victim. 5:12

987. "For as by one man's disobedience many were made sinners, so by the
obedience of one shall many be made righteous."
It's difficult to imagine a more unjust system. 5:19

988. God gave the law so "that the offence might abound." 5:20
989. Everyone is predestined by God to be either saved or damned; they can
do nothing to affect their final destiny. 8:29-30

990. No one can oppose Christians since God is on their side. 8:31

991. "He that spareth not his own son" shouldn't be trusted by anyone. 8:32

992. A Christian cannot be accused of any wrongdoing. 8:33

993. God makes some people that are destined to go to heaven and others
that will go to hell. There is nothing that they can do to change the will of God.
Paul says that this is how it should be, saying: "What if God, willing to show
his wrath, and to make his power known" damns most of mankind to eternal
torments of hell for things they either didn't do or couldn't avoid doing? 9:11-
22

994. "Esau have I hated." 9:13

995. "What shall be say then? Is their unrighteousness with God?" It sure
looks like it! 9:14-22

996. "Therefore hath he mercy on whom he will have mercy, and whom he
will he hardeneth." 9:18

997. God blinded the Jews so they wouldn't recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
11:7-10

998. "The powers that be are ordained of God." Whoever resists them will be
damned. 13:1-4

999. "He that doubteth is damned ... Whosoever is not of faith is sin." 14:23

1000. Shun those who disagree with your religious views. 16:17

1 Corinthians

1001. "I [God] will destroy the wisdom of the wise." 1:19

1002. Christians can judge everything and everybody, but no non-Christian
can judge them. 2:15

1003. If you defile the temple of God, God will destroy you. 3:17

1004. Paul, judging from rumors alone, complains that there are fornicators
among his followers in Corinth; he is even worried that some have had sex
with their fathers' wives. He says that those who have done these things
should be "delivered to Satan for the destruction of the flesh" so that their soul
can be saved. 5:1-5
1005. A believer should not sue another believer in court. 6:1-7

1006. "Do ye not know that the saints shall judge the world?" 6:2

1007. Paul lists ten things that will keep you out of heaven, including
homosexuality and being "effeminate." 6:9-10

1008. Slaves should not desire their freedom. 7:21

1009. Everything is lawful to Paul, and he submits himself to no law. 6:12,
10:23

1010. Paul quotes Dt.25:4, "Thou shalt not muzzle the mouth of the ox that
treadeth out the corn." That sounds like a nice humane law. Until Paul
explains it, that is. He asks, "Does God care about oxen?", and then answers
his own rhetorical question by saying, "Hell no. The law is for our sakes." 9:9-
10

1011. Paul claims that God killed 23,000 in a plague for "committing
whoredom with the daughters of Moab 10:8

1012. If you tempt Christ (How could you tempt Christ?), you'll die from snake
bites. 10:9

1013. If you murmur, you'll be destroyed by the destroyer (God). 10:10

1014. Those that "eateth and drinketh unworthily" will go to hell. 11:27

1015. Women are commanded by Paul to be silent in church and to be
obedient to men. He further says that "if they will learn any thing, let them ask
their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in church."
14:34-35

1016. Those who don't love Jesus are to be "anathema" (damned). 16:22

2 Corinthians

1017. All non-Christians are blind. They were blinded by God to prevent them
from seeing the truth. 3:14-16

1018. "The god of this world" has blinded the minds of nonbelievers. 4:3-4

1019. Jesus, who was without sin, was made into sin. This made the real
sinners sinless. 5:21

1020. Keep away from unbelievers. Neither marry nor be friends with them.
6:14-17

1021. Paul set an example for televangelists by robbing some churches. 11:8
1022. "Being crafty, I [Paul] caught you with guile." 12:16

1023. Paul says he "will not spare" when he comes back to punish those who
have sinned. 13:2

1024. Are you a reprobate? Here's the test: if you know for sure that Jesus is
in you, you're not a reprobate. Otherwise you are. 13:5

Galatians

1025. If anyone dares to disagree with Paul on religious matters, "let him be
accursed." 1:8-9

1026. Those who try to follow the law are cursed 3:10

1027. Witches, idol worshippers, and heretics will not go to heaven. (Guess
where they'll be going.) 5:20-21

Ephesians

1028. We are predestined by God to go to either heaven or hell. None of our
thoughts, words, or actions can affect the final outcome. 1:4-5, 11

1029. God had his son murdered to keep himself from hurting others for
things they didn't do. 1:7

1030. We are by nature "the children of wrath." 2:3

1031. Those who engage in "foolish talking" or "jesting" will not go to heaven.
(Guess where they will be going.) 5:4-5

1032. No "unclean person" or "idolater" will inherit the kingdom of God.
(They'll all be going to hell.) 5:5

1033. Slaves must obey their masters "as unto Christ." 6:5

Philippians

1034. Everyone will have to worship Jesus -- whether they want to or not.
2:10-11

Colossians

1035. God bought us with someone else's blood. 1:14

1036. God makes peace through blood. 1:19-20

1037. Children should obey their parents "in all things." This verse must be a
favorite for Christian parents who abuse their children. 3:20
1038. "Servants, obey in all things your masters." 3:22

1039. It's okay to own slaves, but you should try to treat them well. 4:1

1 Thessalonians

1040. The elect and the damned are predestined by God. 1:4

1041. God is planning a messy, mass murder in "the wrath to come" and only
Jesus can save you from it. 1:10

1042. Paul accuses "the Jews" of killing Jesus, persecuting the prophets,
displeasing God, and being "contrary to all men." He concludes that the wrath
of God will "come upon them to the uttermost. 2:15-16

2 Thessalonians

1043. Jesus will take "vengeance on them that know not God" by burning
them forever "in flaming fire." 1:7-9

1044. God will cause us to believe lies so that he can damn our souls to hell.
2:11-12

1045. God selects those who are to be saved (or damned) "from the
beginning." It therefore makes no difference how good, kind, honest, or loving
we may be; if god hasn't chosen us, we will be damned. 2:13

1046. Shun those who disagree with your interpretation of this epistle. 3:6, 14

1047. Those who will not or cannot work should starve to death. 3:10

1 Timothy

1048. "Hymenaeus and Alexander; whom I have delivered unto Satan, that
they may learn not to blaspheme." Apparently (see 2 Tim.2:16-18 and 4:14-
15) their "blasphemy" was disagreeing with Paul. 1:20

1049. Real widows are "desolate" and pray "night and day." But those widows
that experience pleasure are "dead while [they] live." 5:5-6

1050. You should help a widow only if she 1) is over 60 years old, 2) had only
one husband, 3) has raised children, 4) has lodged strangers, 5) has "washed
the saints feet," 6) has relieved the afflicted, and 7) has "diligently followed
very good work." Otherwise, let them starve. "But the younger widows refuse
[to help]: for ... they will marry; having damnation." Besides the young widows
are always idle tattlers -- "busybodies, spreading things which they ought not."
He adds that "some are already turned aside after Satan." 5:9-15

1051. Publicly humiliate those who sin by announcing their sins in front of God
and everybody so "that others may also fear." 5:20
1052. "Let as many servants as are under the yoke count their own masters
worthy of all honour, that the name of God and his doctrine be not
blasphemed." 6:1

2 Timothy

1053. God selected us to be either saved or damned, and there isn't a
damned thing we can do about it. 1:9

1054. "If we deny him [Jesus], he will deny us." Fair is fair! 2:12

1055. Shun non-believers and other profane babblers. 2:16

1056. Hymenaeus and Philetus are condemned for disagreeing with Paul
about the timing of the resurrection. (See 1 Tim.1:20 and 2 Tim.4:14-15) 2:17-
18

1057. The devil can take us captive any time he pleases. 2:26

1058. God will "reward" Alexander for the "blasphemy" of disagreeing with
Paul. (See 1 Tim.1:20 and 2 Tim.2:16-18) 4:14

Titus

1059. Jews are unruly liars "whose mouths must be stopped." 1:10-11

1060. The people of Crete are "always liars, evil beasts, slow bellies." 1:12

1061. Slaves must obey their masters and "please them well in all things ...
showing all good fidelity." 2:9-10

1062. Heretics are to be rejected since they are subverted, sinners, and
condemned by God. 3:10-11

Philemon

1063. Paul returns the runaway slave, Onesimus, to his "rightful owner",
Philemon. This was, of course, a great opportunity for Paul (and God) to
condemn slavery -- if he (and God) had anything against it, that is. But he
doesn't. Instead he returns the slave to his owner without a word against the
institution of slavery. 1:12

Hebrews

1064. Every skeptic and nonbeliever has "an evil heart of unbelief." 3:12

1065. It is impossible for fallen-away Christians to be saved. (Didn't the author
know about confession or the finality of being saved?) 6:4-6
1066. God will not forgive us unless we shed the blood of some innocent
creature. 9:13-14, 22

1067. Those who disobeyed the Old Testament law were killed without mercy.
It will be much worse for those who displease Jesus. 10:28-29

1068. Try to stay away from God because " it is a fearful thing to fall into" his
hands. 10:31

1069. If you're not a Christian, it's impossible to please God. 11:6

1070. God saved Rahab because she believed. (He killed all the non-
believers in Jericho.) 11:31

1071. God always hurts the ones he loves. And if God doesn't hurt you, they
you are a bastard, not a son. 12:6-8

1072. God ordered animals to be "stoned, or thrust through with a dart" if they
"so much as ... touch the mountain." 12:20

James

1073. If you "keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, "you are guilty
of all." 2:10

1074. If you are merciless to others, God will be merciless to you. (Two
wrongs make a right.) 2:13

1075. James says Abraham was justified by works (for being willing to kill his
son for God); Paul (Rom.4:2-3) says he was justified by faith (for believing
that God would order him to do such an evil act). 2:21

1076. If your prayers are not answered, it's your own damned fault. 4:3

1077. Whoever is a friend of the world is an enemy of God. 4:4

1 Peter

1078. We are all, according to Peter, predestined to be saved or damned. We
have no say in the matter. It was all determined by "the sprinkling of the blood
of Jesus Christ."1:2

1079. "Submit yourselves to every ordinance of man."
Even unjust laws and dictators? 2:13

1080. According to Peter, kings reign by divine right and everyone, therefore,
should "honor the king." 2:17

1081. God drowned drowned everyone on earth except for Noah and his
family. 3:20
1082. Things may get rough for Christians, but it will really be hell for
nonbelievers. 4:17-18

2 Peter

1083. God drowned everyone else on earth except for Noah and his family.
2:5, 3:6

1084. Lot, who in Gen.19:8 offers his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel
rapers and later (19:30-38) impregnates them, was a "righteous man." 2:8

1085. God knows how to punish those that "despise government." 2:9-10

1086. God will set the entire earth on fire so that he can burn non-believers to
death. 3:7

1087. When Jesus returns, he'll burn up the whole earth and everything on it.
3:10

1 John

1088. Every non-Christian is liar and an antichrist. 2:22, 4:2-3

1089. Christians are alive; non-Christians are dead. 5:12

1090. Christians are "of God;" everyone else is wicked. 5:19

2 John

1091. Non-Christians are deceivers and antichrists. 7

1092. Don't associate with non-Christians. Don't receive them into your house
or even exchange greeting with them. 10

3 John

1093. John says he "will remember his [Diotrephes] deeds ... pratting against
us with malicious words." 10

Jude

1094. God pre-ordained that certain "ungodly" men would deny Jesus. 1:4

1095. God destroys non-believers. 1:5

Revelation

1096. Everyone on earth will "wail because of him [Jesus]. 1:7
1097. False Jews are members of "the synagogue of Satan." 2:9

1098. "I [Jesus] will kill her children with death." 2:23

1099. Those who obey God/Jesus until the end will rule everyone else with an
iron rod. They'll even get to smash the others into smithereens. 2:26-27

1100. God will make "the synagogue of Satan [that would be the Jews] ...
come and worship before thy feet." (Whose feet? Well, the feet of Christians,
of course!) 3:9

1101. "Thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were
created." God created predators, pathogens, and predators for his very own
pleasure. One of his favorite species is guinea worms. 4:11

1102. God gives someone on a white horse a bow and sends him out to
conquer people. 6:2

1103. God gave power to someone on a red horse "to take from the earth ...
that they should kill one another." 6:4

1104. God tells Death and Hell to kill one quarter of the earth's population with
the sword, starvation, and "with the beasts of the earth." 6:8

1105. The martyrs just can't wait until everyone else is slaughtered. God gives
them a white robe and tells them to wait until he's done with his killing spree.
6:10-11

1106. God tells his murderous angels to "hurt not the earth, neither the sea,
nor the trees, till we have sealed the servants of your God on their foreheads."
This verse is one that Christians like to use to show God's loving concern for
the environment. But the previous verse (7:2) makes it clear that it was their
God-given job to "hurt the earth and the sea" just as soon as they finished
their forehead marking job. 7:3

1107. God sends his angels to destroy a third part of all the trees, grass, sea
creature, mountains, sun, moon, starts, and water. 8:7-13

1108. "Many men died of the waters, because they were made bitter." 8:11

1109. The angels are instructed not to "hurt the grass [how could they? He
already had all the grass killed in 8:7] ... but only those men which have not
the seal of God on their foreheads." God tells his angels not to kill them, but
rather torment them with scorpions for five months. Those tormented will want
to die, but God won't let them. 9:4-6

1110. God makes some horse-like locusts with human heads, women's hair,
lion's teeth, and scorpion's tails. They sting people and hurt them for five
months. 9:7-10
1111. Four angels, with an army of 200 million, killed a third of the earth's
population. 9:15-19

1112. Anyone that messes with God's two olive trees and two candlesticks
(God's witnesses) will be burned to death by fire that comes out of their
mouths. 11:3-5

1113. God's witnesses have special powers. They can shut up heaven so that
it cannot rain, turn rivers into blood, and smite the earth with plagues "as often
as they will." 11:6

1114. When the witnesses ascend into heaven, an earthquake kills 7000 men.
This was the second woe. "The third woe cometh quickly." 11:13-14

1115. The devil, after he is expelled from heaven, is sent down to earth to
wreak havoc on its inhabitants. 12:12

1116. Only 144,000 celibate men will be saved. (Those who were not "defiled
with women.") 14:1-4

1117. Those who receive the mark of the beast will "drink of the wine of the
wrath of God ... and shall be tormented with fire and brimstone ... and the
smoke of their torment ascendeth up for ever and ever." 14:10-11

1118. Seven angels with seven plagues are filled with the wrath of God. 15:1,
15:7

1119. The seven vials of wrath: 1) sores, 2) sea turned to blood, 3) rivers
turned to blood, 4) people scorched with fire, 5) people gnaw their tongues in
pain, 6) Euphrates dries up, 7) thunder, lightning, earthquake, and hail. 16:1-
21

1120. Christians will fight in the war between Jesus and those allied with the
beast. 17:14

1121. Jesus makes war. 19:11

1122. With eyes aflame, many crowns on his head, clothes dripping with
blood, a sword sticking out of his mouth, and a secret name, Jesus leads the
faithful into holy war. 19:12-15

1123. "Come ... unto the supper of the great God." An angel calls all the fowls
to feast upon the flesh of dead horses and human bodies, "both free and
bond, both small and great." 19:17-18

1124. The beast and the false prophet are cast alive into a lake of fire. The
rest were killed with the sword of Jesus. "And all the fowls were filled with their
flesh." 19:20-21
1125. When the thousand years are over, God will send Satan to deceive us
all. 20:7-8

1126. God will send fire from heaven to devour people. And the devil will be
tormented "day and night for ever and ever." 20:9-10

1127. Whoever isn't found listed in the book of life will be cast into the lake of
fire. 20:15

1128. All liars, as well as those who are fearful or unbelieving, will be cast into
"the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." 21:8

1129. "Dogs [homosexuals?], sorcerers, whoremongers, idolaters" and along
with anyone who ever told a lie will not enter the heavenly city. 22:15
Cruelty and Violence in the Bible
The sword without, and terror within, shall destroy both the young man and
the virgin, the suckling also with the man of gray hairs.--Dt.32:25

Whenever we read ... the cruel and tortuous executions, the unrelenting
vindictiveness with which more than half the Bible is filled, it would be more
consistent that we call it the word of a demon than the word of God. It is a
history of wickedness that has served to corrupt and brutalize humankind.
And, for my own part, I sincerely detest it, as I detest everything that is cruel.
-- Thomas Paine, The Age of Reason

Genesis

1. Because God liked Abel's animal sacrifice more than Cain's vegetables,
Cain kills his brother Abel in a fit of religious jealousy. 4:8

2. God is angry. He decides to destroy all humans, beasts, creeping things,
fowls, and "all flesh wherein there is breath of life." He plans to drown them
all. 6:7, 17

3. God repeats his intention to kill "every living substance ... from off the
face of the earth." But why does God kill all the innocent animals? What had
they done to deserve his wrath? It seems God never gets his fill of tormenting
animals. 7:4

4. God drowns everything that breathes air. From newborn babies to koala
bears -- all creatures great and small, the Lord God drowned them all. 7:21-23

5. God tells Abram to kill some animals for him. The needless slaughter
makes God feel better. 15:9-10

6. Hagar conceives, making Sarai jealous. Abram tells Sarai to do to Hagar
whatever she wants. "And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled." 16:6

7. Lot refuses to give up his angels to the perverted mob, offering his two
"virgin daughters" instead. He tells the bunch of angel rapers to "do unto them
[his daughters] as is good in your eyes." This is the same man that is called
"just" and "righteous" in 2 Peter 2:7-8. 19:7-8

8. God kills everyone (men, women, children, infants, newborns) in Sodom
and Gomorrah by raining "fire and brimstone from the Lord out of heaven."
Well, almost everyone -- he spares the "just and righteous" Lot and his family.
19:24

9. Lot's nameless wife looks back, and God turns her into a pillar of salt.
19:26
10. God threatens to kill Abimelech and his people for believing Abe's lie.
20:3-7

11. Sarai tells Abraham to "cast out this bondwoman and her son." God
commands him to "hearken unto her voice." So Abraham abandons Hagar
and Ishmael, casting them out into the wilderness to die. 21:10-14

12. God orders Abraham to kill Isaac as a burnt offering. Abraham shows his
love for God by his willingness to murder his son. But finally, just before
Isaac's throat is slit, God provides a goat to kill instead. 22:2-13

13. Abraham shows his willingness to kill his son for God. Only an evil God
would ask a father to do that; only a bad father would be willing to do it. 22:10

14. Dinah, the daughter of Jacob, is "defiled" by a man who seems to love
her dearly. Her brothers trick all of the men of the town and kill them (after first
having them all circumcised), and then take their wives and children captive.
34:1-31

15. "The terror of God was upon the cities that were round about them." 35:5

16. "And Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the Lord; and the
Lord slew him." What did Er do to elicit God's wrath? The Bible doesn't say.
Maybe he picked up some sticks on Saturday. 38:7

17. After God killed Er, Judah tells Onan to "go in unto they brother's wife."
But "Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and ... when he went in unto
his brother's wife ... he spilled it on the ground.... And the thing which he did
displeased the Lord; wherefore he slew him also." This lovely Bible story is
seldom read in Sunday School, but it is the basis of many Christian doctrines,
including the condemnation of both masturbation and birth control. 38:8-10

18. After Judah pays Tamar for her services, he is told that she "played the
harlot" and "is with child by whoredom." When Judah hears this, he says,
"Bring her forth, and let her be burnt." 38:24

19. Joseph interprets the baker's dream. He says that the pharaoh will cut off
the baker's head, and hang his headless body on a tree for the birds to eat.
40:19

Exodus

20. Moses murders an Egyptian after making sure that no one is looking.
2:11-12

21. God threatens to kill the Pharaoh's firstborn son. 4:23

22. God decides to kill Moses because his son had not yet been
circumcised. 4:24-26
23. God will make sure that Pharaoh does not listen to Moses, so that he
can kill Egyptians with his armies. 7:4

24. "And the Egyptians shall know that I am the LORD." Who else could be
so cruel and unjust? 7:5, 17

25. God tells Moses and Aaron to smite the river and turn it into blood. 7:17-
24

26. The fifth plague: all cattle in Egypt die. 9:2-6

27. The sixth plague: boils and blains upon man and beast. 9:9-12

28. "For I will at this time send all my plagues upon thine heart, and upon thy
servants, and upon thy people; that thou mayest know that there is none like
me in all the earth." Who else but the biblical god could be so cruel? 9:14

29. The seventh plague is hail. "And the hail smote throughout the land of
Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast." 9:22-25

30. These verses clearly show that the mass murder of innocent children by
God was premeditated. 11:4-6 (see 12:29-30)

31. God will kill the Egyptian children to show that he puts "a difference
between the Egyptians and Israel." 11:7

32. God explains to Moses that he intends to "smite all the firstborn in the
land of Egypt, both man and beast. 12:12

33. After God has sufficiently hardened the Pharaoh's heart, he kills all the
firstborn Egyptian children. When he was finished "there was not a house
where there was not one dead." Finally, he runs out of little babies to kill, so
he slaughters the firstborn cattle, too. 12:29

34. To commemorate the divine massacre of the Egyptian children, Moses
instructs the Israelites to "sacrifice to the Lord all that openeth the matrix" -- all
the males, that is. God has no use for dead, burnt female bodies. 13:2, 12, 15

35. After hardening Pharaoh's heart a few more times, God drowns
Pharaoh's army in the sea 14:4-28

36. Moses and the people sing praises to their murderous god. 15:1-19

37. "The Lord is a man of war." Indeed, judging from his acts in the Old
Testament, he is a vicious warlike monster. 15:3

38. God's right hand dashes people in pieces. 15:6

39. If you do what God says, he won't send his diseases on you (like he did
to the Egyptians). But otherwise.... 15:26
40. Joshua, with God's approval, kills the Amalekites "with the edge of the
sword." 17:13

41. "The Lord has sworn [God swears!] that the Lord will have war with
Amalek from generation to generation." 17:14-16

42. Any person or animal that touches Mt. Sinai shall be stoned to death or
"shot through." 19:12-13

43. Like the great and powerful Wizard of Oz, nobody can see God and live.
19:21

44. God gives instructions for killing and burning animals. He says that if we
will make such "burnt offerings," he will bless us for it. What kind of mind
would be pleased by the killing and burning of innocent animals? 20:24

45. A child who hits or curses his parents must be executed. 21:15, 17

46. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. 21:24-25

47. If an ox gores someone, "then the ox shall surely be stoned." 21:28

48. If an ox gores someone due to the negligence of its owner, then "the ox
shall be stoned, and his owner shall be put to death.". 21:29

49. If an ox gores a slave, the owner of the ox must pay the owner of the
slave 30 shekels of silver, and "the ox shall be stoned." 21:32

50. "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." Thousands of innocent women
have suffered excruciating deaths because of this verse. 22:18

51. "Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death." Is it really
necessary to kill such people? Couldn't we just send them to counseling or
something? 22:19

52. "He who sacrificeth unto any god, save unto the Lord only, he shall be
utterly destroyed." If this commandment is obeyed, then the four billion people
who do not believe in the biblical god must be killed. 22:20

53. If you make God angry enough, he will kill you and your family with his
own sword. 22:24

54. "The firstborn of thy sons thou shalt give unto me." (As a burnt offering?)
22:29

55. God promises to "send his fear before the Israelites" and to kill everyone
that they encounter when they enter the promised land. 23:27
56. Moses has some animals killed and their dead bodies burned for God.
Then he sprinkles their blood on the altar and on the people. This makes God
happy. 24:5-8

57. Get some animals, kill them, chop up their bodies, wave body parts in
the air, burn the carcasses, and sprinkle the blood all around -- in precisely
the way God tells you. It may well make you sick, but it makes God feel good.
29:11-37

58. Have your killed and offered your bullock for a sin offering today? How
about the two lambs you are supposed to offer each day? 29:36-39

59. Wash up or die. 30:20-21

60. Moses burned the golden calf, ground it into powder, and then forced it
down the throats of all the people. 32:20

61. Whoever puts holy oil on a stranger shall be "cut off from his people."
30:33

62. Those who break the Sabbath are to be executed. 31:14

63. God asks to be left alone so that his "wrath may wax hot" and he can
"consume them. 32:10

64. God orders the sons of Levi (Moses, Aaron, and the other members of
their tribe that were "on the Lord's side") to kill "every man his neighbor." "And
there fell of the people that day about 3000 men." 32:27-28

65. But God wasn't satisfied with the slaughter of the 3000, so he killed some
more people with a plague. 32:35

66. If you can't redeem him, then just "break his neck." Hey, it's all for the
glory of God. 34:20

67. Whoever works, or even kindles a fire, on the Sabbath "shall be put to
death." 35:2-3

Leviticus

68. God gives detailed instructions for performing ritualistic animal sacrifices.
such bloody rituals must be important to God, judging from the number of
times that he repeats their instructions. Indeed the entire first nine chapters of
Leviticus can be summarized as follows: Get an animal, kill it, sprinkle the
blood around, cut the dead animal into pieces, and burn it for a "sweet savor
unto the Lord." Chapters 1 - 9

69. "Flay the burnt offering; cut it into pieces." 1:6

70. Burn the head, fat, and entrails for "a sweet savour unto the Lord." 1:8-9
71. "Kill it and sprinkle blood round about." 1:11, 3:2, 3:8, 3:13

72. "Cut it into pieces and burn it for a sweet savour unto the Lord." 1:12-13

73. "Wring off its head and burn it." 1:15

74. "For a sweet savour unto the Lord." 1:17

75. "Part it in pieces... it is a meat offering." 2:6

76. "It is a thing most holy of the offerings of the LORD made by fire." 2:10

77. What to do with the fat, kidneys, and liver of your burnt offerings. 3:3-4,
3:9-10, 3:14-16

78. "Kill the bullock before the Lord and take of the bullock's blood." 4:4

79. "The priest shall dip his finger in the blood and sprinkle the blood seven
times before the Lord." 4:6, 4:17

80. "Pour all the blood at the bottom of the altar." 4:7

81. What to do with the fat, kidneys, liver, skin, head, entrails, and dung from
your burnt offerings. 4:8-11

82. "The bullock shall be killed before the Lord." 4:14

83. "Kill it and pour out the blood." 4:24-25

84. "Slay it for a sin offering, pour out the blood, and burn the fat for a sweet
savour unto the Lord." 4:29-31

85. Slay it for a sin offering, put the blood on your finger, and pour out the
blood at the bottom of the altar. 4:33-34

86. Wringing off the heads of pigeons for God. 5:8-9

87. Kill the sin offering before the Lord. "It is most holy." 6:25

88. The holy law of trespass offering: Find an animal; kill it; sprinkle the blood
around; offer God the fat, rump, kidneys, and caul; burn and eat it in the holy
place, for "it is most holy." 7:1-6

89. The priest must sprinkle the blood of the peace offerings. 7:14

90. Be careful what you eat during these animal sacrifices. Don't eat fat or
blood -- these are for God. (And he doesn't like to share!) 7:18-27
91. God gives instructions for "wave offerings" and "heave offerings." He
says these offerings are to be made perpetually "by a statute for ever." Have
you made your heave offering today? 7:30-36

92. Moses does it all for God. First he kills an animal; wipes the blood on
Aaron's ears, thumbs, and big toes. Then he sprinkles blood round about and
waves the guts before the Lord. Finally he burns the whole mess for "a sweet
savour before the Lord." 8:14-32

93. More killing, sprinkling of blood, waiving animal parts, and burning
carcasses "before the Lord." 9:2-21

94. Kill the calf, dip your finger in the blood, sprinkle the blood round about,
burn the fat and entrails, and wave the breast for a wave offering before the
Lord. 9:8-21

95. Two of the sons of Aaron "offered strange fire before the Lord" and "there
went out fire from the Lord, and devoured them, and they died before the
Lord." 10:1-3

96. If priests misbehave at the tabernacle by uncovering their heads, tearing
their clothes, leaving with holy oil on them, or by drinking "wine or strong
drink", then God will kill them and send his wrath on "all the people." 10:6-9

97. After a woman gives birth, a priest must kill a lamb, pigeon, or dove as a
sin offering. This is because having children is sinful and God likes it when
things are killed for him. 12:6-8

98. God's law for lepers: Get two birds. Kill one. Dip the live bird in the blood
of the dead one. Sprinkle the blood on the leper seven times, and then let the
blood-soaked bird fly off. Next find a lamb and kill it. Wipe some of its blood
on the patient's right ear, thumb, and big toe. Sprinkle seven times with oil and
wipe some of the oil on his right ear, thumb and big toe. Repeat. Finally kill a
couple doves and offer one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering.
14:2-32

99. God "put the plague of leprosy" into the houses of the Canaanites. 14:34

100. God explains the use of scapegoats. It goes like this: Get two goats. Kill
one. Wipe, smear, and sprinkle the blood around seven times. Then take the
other goat, give it the sins of all the people, and send it off into the wilderness.
16:6-28

101. Sprinkle the blood and burn the fat for a sweet savour unto the Lord.
17:6

102. If you upset God, he'll cause the land to vomit you out. 18:25

103. "Whosoever shall commit any of these abominations ... shall be cut off
from among their people." 18:29, 19:8
104. Don't eat sacrifices on the third day or God will cut you off from among
your people. 19:6-8

105. Kill anyone who "gives his seed" to Molech. If you refuse, God will cut
you and your family off. 20:2-5

106. "For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall surely be put to
death." Couldn't we try spanking first? 20:9

107. Both parties in adultery shall be executed. 20:10

108. If a man has sex with his father's wife, kill them both. 20:11

109. If a man "lies" with his daughter-in-law, then both must be killed. 20:12

110. If a man has sex with another man, kill them both. 20:13

111. If you "lie" with your wife and your mother-in-law (now that sounds fun!),
then all three of you must be burned to death. 20:14

112. If a man or woman "lie with a beast" both the person and the poor
animal are to be killed. 20:15-16

113. People with "familiar spirits" (witches, fortune tellers, etc.) are to be
stoned to death. 20:27

114. A priest's daughter who "plays the whore" is to be burned to death. 21:9

115. God gives us more instructions on killing and burning animals. I guess
the first nine chapters of Leviticus wasn't enough. He says we must do this
because he really likes the smell -- it is "a sweet savour unto the Lord." 23:12-
14, 18

116. Don't do any work on the day of atonement or God will destroy you.
23:29-30

117. A man curses and blasphemes while disputing with another man. Moses
asks God what to do about it. God says that the whole community must stone
him to death. "And the children of Israel did as the Lord and Moses
commanded." 24:10-23

118. Anyone who blasphemes or curses shall be stoned to death by the
entire community. 24:16

119. God tells the Israelites to make slaves out of their neighbors and their
families. The "heathens" and "strangers" are to be their possessions forever.
25:44-46
120. God tells the Israelites to "chase" their enemies and make them "fall
before you by the sword." He figures five of the Israelites will be able to
"chase" a hundred of their enemies, and a hundred will be able to "put ten
thousand to flight." 26:7-8

121. God describes the torments that he has planned for those who
displease him. The usual stuff: plagues, burning fevers that will consume the
eyes, etc. but he reserves the worst for the little children. He says "ye shall
sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it," "I will send wild beasts
among you, which shall rob you of your children," and "ye shall eat the flesh of
your sons and daughters." 26:16-39

122. All "devoted" things (both man and beast) "shall surely be put to death."
27:28-29

Numbers

123. God shows his hospitality with the admonition: "The stranger that
cometh nigh shall be put to death." 1:51, 3:10, 3:38

124. Two of Aaron's sons are killed by God for "offering strange fire before
the Lord." 3:4

125. Don't touch or "go in to see when the holy things are covered." God kills
people who touch or look at covered holy things. 4:15, 20

126. God tells the people to expel from camp "every leper, every one that
hath an issue, and whoever is defiled by the dead." So by God's instructions,
the sick are abandoned and left to suffer and die alone. 5:1-4

127. "And when the people complained, it displeased the Lord: and the Lord
heard it." (He had his hearing aid on.) He then burned the complainers alive.
That'll teach them. 11:1

128. "And wile the flesh [of the quails] was yet between their teeth, ere it was
chewed, the wrath of the Lord was kindled against the people, and the Lord
smote the people with a very great plague. "The Bible isn't too clear about
what these poor folks did to upset God so much; all it says is that they had
"lusted." 11:33

129. Miriam and Aaron (Moses' brother and sister) criticize Moses for
marrying an Ethiopian woman and thus breaking the law of God. But God
makes it clear that his rules don't apply to his favorites, and he strikes Miriam
with leprosy. Notice that only Miriam is punished, though both she and Aaron
complained. 12:1, 9-10

130. More plagues and pestilence sent by God. God repeats one of his
favorite promises: "your carcasses shall fall in this wilderness." 14:12, 29,
14:32-37
131. God punishes the children for the failings of their great-great
grandfathers. 14:18

132. God killed those that murmured against him with a plague. 14:36-37

133. God gives more instructions for the ritualistic killing of animals. The
smell of burning flesh is "a sweet savour unto the Lord." 15:3, 13-14, 24

134. The Israelites find a man picking up sticks on the sabbath. God
commands them to kill him by throwing rocks at him. 15:32-36

135. Because of a dispute between Korah and Moses, God has the ground
open up and swallow Korah, Dathan, and Abiram "and their wives, and their
sons, and their little children." Then, just for the hell of it, God has a fire burn
to death 250 "men that offered incense." 16:20-35

136. After God killed Korah, his family, and 250 innocent bystanders, the
people complained saying, "ye have killed the people of the Lord." So God,
who doesn't take kindly to criticism, sends a plague on the people. And "they
that died in the plague were 14,700." 16:41-50

137. God threatens to kill those who murmur. To which the people reply,
"Behold, we die, we perish, we all perish .... Shall we be consumed with
dying?" 17:12-13

138. Stay away from holy things and places -- like churches. God might have
to kill you if you get too close.18:3, 22, 32

139. God shows us how to make new friends by saying : "The stranger that
cometh nigh shall be put to death." 18:7

140. God describes once again the procedure for ritualistic animal sacrifices.
such rituals must be extremely important to God, since he makes their
performance a "statute" and "covenant" forever. 18:17-19

141. The purification of the unclean. These absurd rituals, cruel sacrifices,
and unjust punishments are vitally important to God. They are to be "a
perpetual statute" for all humankind. 19:1-22

142. "And the Lord hearkened to the voice of Israel, and delivered up the
Canaanites; and they utterly destroyed them and their cities." This verse
demonstrates the power of prayer: If you ask God, he will destroy entire cities
for you. 21:3

143. God sends "fiery serpents" to bite his chosen people, and many of them
die. 21:6

144. God delivers the Amorites into Moses' hands. (You're in God hands with
Moses.) So Moses does the usual thing, killing everyone "until their was none
left alive." 21:34-35
145. God's people will kill like a lion and then "drink the blood of the slain."
23:24

146. God, who is as strong as a unicorn, will eat up the nations, break their
bones, and then pierce them through with his arrows. What a guy! 24:8

147. After the people "commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab," Moses
has them all killed. Then God tells Moses to hang their dead bodies up in front
of him; God says that this will satisfy him. 25:1-5

148. When one of the Israelite men brings home a foreign woman, "Phinehas
(Aaron's grandson) sees them and throws a spear "through the man .. and the
woman through her belly." This act pleases God so much that "the plague was
stayed from the children of Israel." But not before 24,000 had died. 25:6-9

149. For impaling the interracial couple, God rewards Phinehas and his sons
with the everlasting priesthood. 25:10-13

150. God tells Moses how to care for his neighbors by saying: "Vex the
Midianites, and smite them." 25:16-17

151. The ground swallow Korah and his companions and a fire consumes
250 men. 26:10

152. "And Nadab and Abihu died when they offered strange fire before the
Lord." When you go camping avoid making any unusual fires. 26:61

153. In these chapters, God provides ridiculously detailed instructions for the
ritualistic sacrifice of animals. The burning of their dead bodies smells great to
God. Eleven times in these two chapters God says that they are to him a
"sweet savour." 28 - 29

154. Under God's direction, Moses' army defeats the Midianites. They kill all
the adult males, but take the women and children captive. When Moses
learns that they left some live, he angrily says: "Have you saved all the
women alive? Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that
hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not
known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." So they went back
and did as Moses (and presumably God) instructed, killing everyone except
for the virgins. In this way they got 32,000 virgins -- Wow! (Even God gets
some of the booty -- including the virgins.) 31:1-54

155. God killed all the Egyptian firstborn. 33:4

156. God tells Moses to exterminate the residents of Canaan and destroy all
of their religious symbols and possessions. 33:50-52
157. But if the Israelites don't kill them all, then God will make them pricks in
their eyes and thorns in their sides. And he will do unto the Israelites as he
planned to do to the inhabitants of Canaan. 33:55-56

158. "The revenger of blood" must murder the murderer just as soon as he
sees him. 35:19, 21

159. When a murder is committed the blood pollutes the land. The only way
to cleanse it is to spill more blood by killing the killer. 35:30, 33

Deuteronomy

160. "The Lord destroyed them before them" -- the general treatment of the
people who were supposedly displaced by the Israelites. 2:21-22

161. All nations shall be terrorized by the followers of Yahweh. 2:25

162. God hardened the heart of the king of Heshbon and so that he could
have him and all of his people killed. 2:30

163. At God's instructions, the Israelites "utterly destroyed the men, women,
and the little ones" leaving "none to remain." 2:33-36

164. The Israelites, with God's help, kill all the men, women, and children of
every city. 3:3-6

165. When going to war, don't be afraid. God is on your side; "he shall fight
for you." 3:22

166. God destroyed the followers of Baalpeor. 4:3

167. God brought the Israelites out of Egypt "by war ... and by great terrors."
4:34

168. If someone makes an image of anything (like a bird or flower) then God
will destroy the entire nation. 4:25-26

169. If you worship the wrong god, God will get jealous and kill you. 6:15

170. God instructs the Israelites to kill, without mercy, all the inhabitants
(strangers) of the land that they conquer. 7:2

171. If you do show any mercy to such strangers, "give your daughters to any
of them, or "take" any of their daughters, then you'll get God so angry that he'll
"destroy thee suddenly." 7:4

172. God will kill those who hate him. 7:10

173. God commands his people to "consume all the people which the Lord
thy God shall deliver thee; thine eye shall have no pity on them." 7:16
174. God will send hornets to kill your enemies, "for the Lord thy God is
among you, a mighty God and terrible." 7:20-23

175. "If thou do at all forget the LORD thy God, and walk after other gods ...
ye shall surely perish." 8:19-20

176. God is "a consuming fire" that destroys people. 9:3

177. "The blood of sacrifices shall be poured out ... and thou shalt eat the
flesh." Isn't this the sort of thing that Satanists are accused of doing? 12:27

178. After God kills those of other faiths, be sure to reject their beliefs and do
not learn about them. Otherwise God will have to kill you too. 12:30

179. Prophets and dreamers are to be executed if they say or dream the
wrong things. 13:1-5

180. If your brother, son, daughter, wife, or friend tries to get you to worship
another god, "thou shalt surely kill him, thine hand shall be first upon him to
put him to death." 13:6-10

181. If you hear of a city where another god is worshiped, then destroy
everyone in the city (even the cattle) and burn it down. (Watch out Salt Lake!)
13:12-16

182. Kill everyone who has religious beliefs that are different from your own.
17:2-7

183. Anyone who will not listen to a priest or a judge must be executed.
17:12-13

184. False prophets are to be (you guessed it) executed. How do you know
who is a false prophet? By whether or not their predictions come true. (Watch
out Jehovah's Witnesses!) 18:20

185. Murderers and perjurers are to be executed -- "and thine eye shall not
pity" them. 19:11-13, 18-21

186. "And thine eye shall not pity. Life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth,
hand for hand, foot for foot." 19:21

187. God travels with people and fights in their wars. 20:4

188. In the cities that god "delivers into thine hands" you must kill all the
males (including old men, boys, and babies) with "the edge of the sword ....
But the women ... shalt thou take unto yourself." 20:13

189. "But of the cities ... which the Lord thy God doth give thee for an
inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth." Kill the old men and
women, the sick and the dying, the blind and the lame, pregnant mothers,
nursing mothers, infants, toddlers, and babies. 20:16

190. If you find a dead body and don't know the cause of death, then get all
the elders together, cut off the head of a heifer, wash your hands over its
body, and say our hands have not shed this blood. (That'll do it!) 21:1-8

191. If you have a "stubborn and rebellious son," then you and the other men
in your neighborhood "shall stone him with stones that he die." 21:18-21

192. Hang on trees the bodies of those who are "accursed of God." They
make nice decorations. 21:22

193. If a man marries, then decides that he hates his wife, he can claim she
wasn't a virgin when they were married. If her father can't produce the "tokens
of her virginity" (bloody sheets), then the woman is to be stoned to death at
her father's doorstep. 22:13-21

194. "If a man be found lying with a woman married to a husband, then they
shall both of them die." 22:22

195. If a betrothed virgin is raped in the city and doesn't cry out loud enough,
then "the men of the city shall stone her to death." 22:23-24

196. Legal disputes are settled by a judge who determines guilt or innocence.
No lawyers or jury are needed. Those found guilty will be beaten with 40
stripes. 25:1-3

197. If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the other,
"then thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thine eye shall not pity her." 25:11-12

198. God commands the Israelites to "blot out the rembrance of Amalek from
under heaven." A few hundred years later God orders Saul to kill of the
Amalekites "both man and woman, infant and suckling." (1 Sam.15:2-3) 25:19

199. If you don't obey all of the laws that are given in the Old Testament, God
shower you with the curses that are given in the next 52 verses. 28:16-68

200. "Cursed shall be the fruit of thy body." 28:18

201. God will send you "cursing, vexing, the pestilence, consumption, fever,
inflammation, extreme burning, the sword, blasting, and mildew." 28:20-22

202. "And thy carcass shall be meat to all the fowls of the air." 28:25-26

203. "The Lord will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and the emerods
[hemorrhoids], and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst be
healed. The Lord will smite thee with madness, and blindness, and
astonishment of heart." 28:27-28
204. "Thine ox shall be slain before thine eyes." 28:31

205. Thy sons and thy daughters shall be given unto another people." 28:32

206. You will be enslaved and driven mad in another country. 28:33-34

207. "The Lord will smite thee in the knees, and in the legs, with a sore botch
that cannot be healed, from the sole of thy foot unto the top of thy head."
28:35

208. You will be ruled by other nations, forced to serve other gods, become a
laughingstock among your neighbors, have your crops destroyed by locusts,
your vines eaten by worms, and have fruitless olive trees. 28:36-40

209. "Thou shalt begat sons and daughters, but thou shall not enjoy them; for
they shall go into captivity." 28:41

210. "All these curses shall come upon thee ... and upon thy seed for ever."
28:48-49

211. God will enslave you and destroy you with hunger, thirst, hardship, and
all kinds of deprivation. 28:48-52

212. "And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and
of thy daughters." 28:53-55

213. "The tender and delicate woman" will be forced to eat her own children
"that cometh out from between her feet." 28:56-57

214. If you don't do as God says he'll send plagues to torment and destroy
you. 28:58-64

215. "The LORD shall give thee there a trembling heart, and failing of eyes,
and sorrow of mind." 28:65-67

216. God will have you sold to your enemies -- but even they won't buy you.
28:68

217. If you serve the gods of other nations, "all the curses that are in this
book" will fall upon you. 29:18-20

218. "And the Lord will put all these curses upon thine enemies." See
Dt.28:16-64 for some of the curses God has in mind. 30:7

219. Moses tells the people that God will destroy all the inhabitants of the
lands that they pass through. 31:3

220. When God gets mad -- watch out! He'll starve you to death, burn you
with fire, and send vicious beasts to devour you. He'll "destroy both the young
man and the virgin, the suckling also with the man of gray hairs." Not even the
helpless and innocent are spared by this psychotic God. 32:21-26

221. God says, "To me belongeth vengeance, and recompense ... for the day
of their destruction is at hand." 32:35

222. God says, "I kill ... I wound ... I will make my arrows drunk with blood,
and my sword shall devour flesh." Someone should take his sword and arrows
away, at least until he's feeling better. 32:39-43

Joshua

223. God "magnifies" Joshua and promises to "without fail" drive out all the
inhabitants of the lands through which they passed. 3:7

224. "And the city shall be accursed ... and all that therein, to the Lord: only
Rahab the harlot shall live." God explains that Rahab is to be spared since
she hid Joshua's spies and lied to those who were searching for them (2:4-5).
But why was everyone else killed? Some of them were probably liars too. 6:17

225. "And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and
woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the
sword." 6:21

226. After killing everyone, "they burnt the city with fire, and all that was
therein." Only the valuables (silver, gold, brass, and iron) did they keep to "put
into the treasury of the house of the Lord." 6:24

227. Joshua says that those who try to rebuild Jericho will be accursed by
God, and will have to sacrifice both their oldest and their youngest sons in its
construction. Well, Jericho still exists today, and is often considered to be the
world's oldest, continuously occupied city. 6:26

228. God tells Joshua to kill whoever took "the accursed thing." 7:10-12

229. If you happen to see "the accursed thing," don't touch it. If you do, you,
your family, and all of your animals must be burned. 7:15

230. "And Joshua ... took Achan ... and his sons, and his daughters, and his
oxen, and his sheep... And all of Israel stoned them with stones, and burned
them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones." This is because Achan
"took of the accursed thing" -- whatever that means. But why would God
require that Achan's sons and daughters (and even his animals) be stoned to
death along with him? The Bible doesn't say. But it does tell us that "the Lord
turned from the fierceness of his anger" when Achan, his children, and his
animals were stoned to death and their dead bodies burned. 7:24-26

231. "When ye have taken the city [Ai] ... ye shall set the city on fire:
according to the commandment of the LORD. 8:8
232. Joshua and his army, per God's instructions, slaughter "all the
inhabitants of Ai." 8:22-26

233. Joshua hangs the king of Ai on a tree until evening. 8:29

234. After Joshua kills all the inhabitants of Ai, burns their city, and hangs
their king on a tree, he kills some animals and burns them as a "peace
offering" to his warlike God. 8:31

235. God curses the Gibeonites to be slaves of the Jews forever. 9:21-27

236. God slaughters the Amorites and chases them "along the way" as they
try to escape. Then he sends down huge hailstones and kills even more of
them. 10:10-11

237. In a divine type of daylight savings time, God makes the sun stand still
so that Joshua can get all his killing done before dark. 10:12-13

238. God tells Joshua to "pursue after your enemies and smite the hindmost
of them." (Kick their butts.) Don't let any of them escape "for the Lord your
God hath delivered them into your hand." 10:19

239. Joshua tells his captains to "put your feet upon the necks of these
kings." He says, "thus shall the Lord do to all of your enemies." Then Joshua
kills the kings and hangs them on trees. 10:24-26

240. Joshua, at God's command, kills everyone and everything that he can
find (including babies and little children)-- or, as the Bible puts it, he "utterly
destroyed all that breathed, as the Lord commanded." 10:28-32

241. God delivers the Hazorites into Joshua's hand, and he knows just what
to do with them: he smites them all with (you guessed it) the edge of the
sword until "there was not any left to breathe." 11:6-17

242. "And Joshua did unto them as the LORD bade him: he houghed their
horses." 11:9

243. "For it was of the Lord to harden their hearts, that they should come
against Israel in battle, that he might destroy them utterly." Notice that God
hardens their hearts so that he can have an excuse to kill them. 11:20

244. Caleb offers to give his daughter to whoever conquers the city of Debir.
Caleb's nephew wins the contest and is given his cousin for a prize. 15:16-17

245. "Did not Achan son of Zerah commit a trespass in the accursed thing,
and wrath fell on all the congregation of Israel?" To find out see Joshua 7:1-
26. 22:20

246. God is jealous and will never forgive you for your sins. "He will turn and
do you hurt, and consume you." 24:19-20
Judges

247. God appoints Judah to succeed Joshua. The Lord delivers his foes into
his hands and another 10,000 are slain. In the process, they capture
Adonibezek and "cut off his thumbs and great toes." Nice guys. 1:2-6

248. "They slew the Canaanites that inhabited Zephath, and utterly destroyed
it ... And the Lord was with Judah." (You can tell by the number of innocent
people he killed.) 1:17, 19

249. The Israelite spies killed everyone in Bethel, except for the man (and his
family) who showed them how to enter the city. 1:25

250. Ehud delivers a "message from God" to the king of Moab. God's
message consists of a knife thrust so deeply into the king's belly that it could
not be extracted, "and the dirt came out." Just another lovely Bible story. 3:15-
22

251. God "delivers" more folks into the hands of his chosen people. "And they
slew of Moab ... about 10,000 men ... and their escaped not a man." 3:28-29

252. Shamgar kills 600 Philistines with an ox goad. Praise God. 3:31

253. "The Lord discomfited Sisera ... with the edge of the sword ... and there
was not a man left." 4:15-16

254. Jael (our heroine) offers food and shelter to a traveler (Sisera, Jabin's
captain), saying "turn in my Lord ... fear not." Then after giving him a glass of
milk and tucking him in, she drives a tent stake through his head. "So God
subdued on that day Jabin." 4:17-23

255. For murdering her guest while he slept, Jael is "blessed above women."
(Hail Jael, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among
women....?) 5:24-26

256. "So let all thine enemies perish, O Lord." (Let them all have their
temples pierced by blessed women.) 5:31

257. "The LORD said unto him, Surely I will be with thee, and thou shalt
smite the Midianites as one man." God promises to help Gideon kill all the
Midianites. 6:16

258. When Gideon and his water-lapping companions blow their trumpets,
God forces all the enemy soldiers to kill each other, killing 120,000. 7:22, 8:10

259. Two princes are killed and their heads are brought to Gideon. 7:25

260. For refusing to feed him and his army, Gideon tears the flesh off the
elders of Succoth and kills the men of the city. 8:7, 16
261. Gideon orders his son to kill two kings, but he refuses. So Gideon has to
do it himself since his son isn't "man" enough to do it. 8:20

262. Abimelech kills 69 brothers "upon one stone." (He was trying to get in
the Guinness Book of World Records.) 9:5

263. God sends evil spirits that cause humans to deal treacherously with
each other. 9:23-24

264. God smites Sihon and all his people and gives their land to Israel. 11:21

265. "Whomsoever the LORD our God shall drive out from before us, them
will we [the Israelites] possess." 11:24

266. When "the spirit of the Lord" comes upon Jephthah, he makes a deal
with God: If God will help him kill the Ammonites, then he (Jephthah) will offer
to God as a burnt offering whatever comes out of his house to greet him. God
keeps his end of the deal by providing Jephthah with "a very great slaughter."
But when Jephthah returns, his nameless daughter comes out to greet him
(who'd he expect, his wife?). Well, a deal's a deal, so he delivers her to God
as a burnt offering -- after letting her spend a couple of months going up and
down on the mountains bewailing her virginity. 11:29-39

267. 42,000 men are killed because someone mispronounces "shibboleth."
12:6

268. Samson rips up a young lion when "the spirit of the Lord came mightily
upon him." Later, when going to "take" his Philistine wife he notices a swarm
of bees and honey in the lion's carcass (a Divine miracle -- or just rotting flesh
and maggots?). 14:5-8

269. "And the spirit of the Lord came upon him [Samson], and he ... slew
thirty men." (Samson might have been a decent person if he could have kept
the spirit of the Lord off him.) 14:19

270. Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, and sets them on
fire; the Philistines burn Samson's ex-wife and father-in-law; and Samson
smites them "hip and thigh with a great slaughter." 15:4-8

271. "The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon" Samson and "he found a
new jawbone of an ass ... and took it, and slew 1000 men therewith." 15:14-15

272. Samson, with God's help, kills himself and 3000 Philistine men and
women by causing a roof to collapse, setting an example for Bible-based
terrorism. 16:27-30

273. The Danites massacre the "quiet and secure" people of Laish. 18:27
274. After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and
his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his
guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they
"abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and
dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an ass and takes her home. Then he
chops her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to each of the twelve
tribes of Israel 19:22-30

275. God tells the Israelites to send the tribe of Judah into battle and 22,000
men were killed by the Benjamites. 20:18, 21

276. God tells Phinehas to fight against the Benjamites, saying he will deliver
them into his hand. So the Israelites kill some more people for God. 20:38-41

277. God tells them to go to battle again and another 18,000 are killed. 20:23,
25

278. God helps the Israelites kill 25,100 Benjamites. 20:35

279. The Israelites killed everyone in the city with the edge of the sword.
20:37

280. Another 25,000 Benjamites are killed by the God-assisted Israelites.
20:44, 46

281. The Israelites finish their massacre of the Benjamites by killing all the
men, animals, and everything they could find in every Benjamite city. Then
they burned the cities to the ground. (In this way God helped the Israelites
make everything better after the rape and dismemberment of the concubine.)
20:48

282. To find wives for the Benjamites (they were unwilling to use their own
daughters), the other tribes attacked and killed all occupants of a city except
for the young virgins. These virgins were then given to the Benjamites for
wives. 21:7-23

Ruth (None)

1 Samuel

283. "The Lord killeth ..." -- every chance he gets. 2:6, 2:25

284. "The adversaries of the Lord shall be broken to pieces; out of heaven
shall he thunder upon them." If God doesn't like you, he'll send a
thunderstorm your way to break your body into little pieces. 2:10

285. God will kill those who sin against him. 2:25

286. If you piss him off, God will cut off your arm, consume your eyes, grieve
your heart, and kill your sons and grandfathers. 2:31-34
287. God will punish Eli's descendants forever for the sins of Eli's sons. 3:12-
13

288. God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their secret
parts." 5:6-12

289. God kills 50,070 men for looking into the ark. "And the people lamented,
because the Lord had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter."
6:19

290. "I make a covenant with your, that I may thrust out all your right eyes."
Deals like this can only be found in the Bible. 11:2

291. "And the spirit of God came upon Saul ... and he took a yoke of oxen,
and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coast of Israel."
People do the darnedest things when the spirit of God comes upon them!
11:6-7

292. "Saul ... slew the Ammorites unto the heat of the day." Then he took a
little break. After all, killing is hard work. 11:11

293. God delivers the Philistines into Jonathan's hand. And his very "first
slaughter ... was about twenty men." Not bad for a first slaughter. 14:12

294. Under God's influence, the Philistines killed each other. 14:20

295. But later, Saul and his army kill all of those who had not already been
killed. 14:36

296. God orders Saul to kill all of the Amalekites: men, women, infants,
sucklings, ox, sheep, camels, and asses. Why? Because God remembers
what Amalek did hundreds of years ago. 15:2-3

297. Saul killed everyone but Agag (the king) and the best of the animals. But
still God was furious with Saul for not killing everything as he had been told to
do. He said, "it repenteth me that I have set Saul up to be king." 15:7-26

298. Saul is rebuked by Samuel for "doing evil in the sight of the Lord" by
failing to kill all of the Amalekites. 15:18-19

299. Because Saul didn't kill everyone as God commanded, God changes his
mind about him being king. 15:23-26

300. To please God, Samuel hacks Agag in pieces "before the Lord" [I bet
God enjoyed that!] -- after Agag pleads with him saying, "surely the bitterness
of death has past." 15:32-34
301. After God rejects Saul for refusing to kill indiscriminately, he sends
Samuel to find another king. David is chosen and anointed by Samuel, and
"the spirit of the Lord came upon him from that day forward." 16:13

302. The evil spirit from the Lord
"But the spirit of the Lord departed from Saul [since he was not murderous
enough for God], and an evil spirit from the Lord troubled him." But if God is
good, then how could he have an evil spirit? 16:14-16, 23

303. David kills Goliath with his sling, beheads him, and carries the head
back to Jerusalem. 17:51-57

304. David and Saul have a contest to see who can kill the most people for
God, and the women act as cheerleaders saying, "Saul has killed his
thousands, and David his tens of thousands." 18:6-7, 21:11, 29:5

305. David kills 200 Philistines and brings their foreskins to Saul to buy his
first wife (Saul's daughter Michal). Saul had only asked for 100 foreskins, but
David was feeling generous. 18:25-27

306. "David went out, and fought with the Philistines, and slew them with a
great slaughter." 19:8

307. Saul kills 85 priests of Nob and all men, women, children, and animals in
the city of Nob. 22:18-19

308. "David inquired of the Lord, saying, Shall I go and smite these
Philistines? And the Lord said unto David, Go, and smite the Philistines ... So
David smote them with a great slaughter." 23:2-5

309. David vows to kill "any that pisseth against the wall." 25:22, 34

310. "And it came to pass about ten days after, that the Lord smote Nabal,
that he died." This was convenient for David who then took his property and
his wife, Abigail. 25:38

311. "And David smote the land and left neither man nor woman alive." (No
wonder God liked David so much!) 27:8-11

312. Saul visits a woman with a "familiar spirit" and she brings Samuel back
from the dead. Samuel once again explains that God is angry at Saul for not
killing all of the Amalekites. He says God is going to deliver all of Israel into
the hands of the Philistines. (Since Saul refused to slaughter innocent people,
God will slaughter the Israelites. Fair is fair.) 28:8-19

313. David spends the day killing more of those pesky Amalekites. They are
completely wiped out again. (See 1 Sam.15:7-8, 20 and 27:8-9 for the last two
times that they were exterminated.) 30:17

2 Samuel
314. David tells one of his "young men" to kill the Amalekite messenger who
claimed to have mercifully killed Saul at Saul's own request. 1:15

315. Joab and Abner watch as the young men "play" a cruel game. "And they
caught every one his fellow by the head, and thrust his sword in his fellow
side, so they fell down together." 2:14

316. Abner smites Asahel "under the fifth rib." 2:23
(It seems that in 2 Samuel this is the preferred place to get smitten. 3:27,
4:6, 20:10)

317. When Joab (David's captain) kills Abner (by smiting him under the fifth
rib of course), David says that he and his kingdom are not responsible. The
blame, he says, lays with Joab. So David curses Joab, his family, and their
descendants forever. Let them all be plagued with venereal diseases and
leprosy, starve to death, commit suicide, or lean on staves. (The Revised
Standard Version translates "leaneth on a staff" as "holds a spindle,"
apparently meaning effeminate -- real men don't spin or weave.) 3:27-29

318. Some of David's men kill Saul's son (by smiting him under the fifth rib, of
course) and bring his head to David, thinking that he'll be pleased. But he
wasn't. David has the assassins killed, their hands and feet chopped off, and
their bodies hung up (for decorations?) over the pool in Hebron. 4:6-7

319. Whoever kills the lame and the blind will be David's "chief and captain."
5:8

320. "David ... grew great, and the LORD God of hosts was with him." 5:10

321. David asks God if he should kill some more Philistines. God says yes,
and he'll even help. So David and God "smote the Philistines" again. 5:19, 25

322. "David smote them there, and said, The LORD hath broken forth upon
mine enemies before me."
God helps David slaughter his enemies. 5:20

323. "When thou hearest the sound of a going in the tops of the mulberry
trees ... then shall the LORD go out before thee, to smite the host of the
Philistines." 5:24

324. Uzzah tries to keep the ark from falling off the cart, and God kills him for
it. I guess it was God's way of saying Thanks. 6:6-7

325. David kills two thirds of the Moabites and makes the rest slaves. He also
cripples the captured horses. 8:2-4

326. "David slew of the Syrians two and twenty thousand men ... and the
Lord preserved David withersoever he went." 8:5-6, 14
327. David tells Joab (his captain) to send Bathsheba's husband (Uriah) to
"the forefront of the hottest battle ... that he may be smitten and die." In this
way, David gets another wife. 11:15, 11:17, 11:27

328. To punish David for having Uriah killed, God kills Bathsheba's baby boy.
12:14-18

329. David saws, hacks, and burns to death all the inhabitants of several
cities. Maybe this is what is meant by "the tender mercies of David" (Acts
13:34). 12:31

330. Absalom has his servants kill his brother for raping his sister. (This
chapter, which includes incest, rape, murder, should be rated NC-17.) 13:28-
29

331. Poor Absalom gets his head caught in an oak tree, and before he can
get free, Joab thrusts three darts through his heart. 18:14

332. Amasa is viciously slaughtered by Joab, who "shed out his bowels to the
ground ... And Amasa wallowed in blood in the midst of the highway." 20:10,
12

333. "And they cut off the head of Sheba ... and cast it out to Joab." 20:21-22

334. A famine is sent on David's kingdom for three years. When David asks
God why, God answers: "It is for Saul, and his bloody house, because he slew
the Gibeonites. "So God sent a famine to punish a kingdom for something that
a former king had done. 21:1

335. To appease God and end the famine that was caused by his
predecessor (Saul), David agrees to have seven of Saul's sons killed and
hung up "unto the Lord." 21:6-9

336. "He teacheth my hands to war." Might as well learn from an expert.
22:35

337. "Thou hast also given me the necks of mine enemies." 22:41

338. The chief of David's captains killed with his own spear 800 guys at one
time. 23:8

339. God offers David a choice of punishments for having conducted the
census: 1) seven years of famine ( 1 Chr.21:1 says three years), 2) three
months fleeing from enemies, or 3) three days of pestilence. David can't
decide, so God chooses for him and sends a pestilence, killing 70,000 men
(and probably around 200,000 women and children). 24:13

1 Kings
340. In David's last words, he commands his son Solomon to murder Joab.
2:1-9

341. Solomon has his brother (Adonijah) murdered. 2:24-25

342. Solomon carries out the deathbed instructions of his father David by
having Joab murdered. 2:29-34

343. Solomon justifies the murder of Joab by saying that Joab also was a
murderer, and that the blood of Joab's victims "shall therefore return upon the
head of Joab, and upon the head of his seed for ever." 2:33

344. But Solomon is not done murdering yet. He has Shimei murdered -- or
as Solomon put it, "The Lord shall return thy wickedness upon thine own
head." 2:44, 46

345. When the ark of the covenant was brought into the temple, Solomon
killed more animals than could be numbered. 8:5

346. When dedicating the temple, Solomon kills 22,000 oxen and 120,000
sheep. All this blood and gore must have made God very happy. 8:63

347. Joab (David's captain) spent six months killing every male in Edom.
11:16

348. King Josiah is prophesied to sacrifice the priests of the "high places" on
their altars. And he does so in 2 Kg.23:20. Note that this is a guy who "did
what was right in the eyes of the Lord" (2 Kg.22:2). 13:2

349. Ever the playful spirit, God withers, and then restores, the hand of king
Jeroboam. 13:4

350. There were these two prophets. The first prophet lied to the second. To
the punish the second for believing the first's lie, God sends a lion to kill him.
Get it? 13:11-24

351. God promises to "bring evil upon the house of Jerobaom," saying he will
"cut off" anyone "that pisseth against the wall." Then, after he is done with
them, their dead bodies will be eaten by dogs (if they are city dwellers) or
fowls (if they are country folk). 14:10-12

352. Baasha kills "all of the house of Jeroboam" leaving none "to breath."
This slaughter was done "according to the word of the Lord." 15:29

353. God says that "him that dieth of Baasha in the city shall the dogs eat;
and him that dieth of his in the fields shall the fowls of the air eat." 16:4

354. Zimri kills everyone "that pisseth against a wall ... according to the word
of the Lord." 16:11-12
355. When Hiel rebuilds Jericho, he lays the foundation with the body of his
oldest son and sets up the gates with his youngest son's body "according to
the word of the Lord." 16:34

356. Elijah kills 450 prophets of Baal. 18:22, 40

357. God delivers the Syrians into the Israelites hands, and 100,000 were
killed in one day. Of those that escaped, 27,000 were crushed by a falling
wall. 20:28-30

358. There was this son of a prophet that said to his neighbor, "kill me." But
the neighbor refused. So God sent a lion to devour him. 20:35

359. The prophet tells king Ahab that he, and his people, shall be punished
for releasing Ben-hadad: "Your life shall go for his life, and your people for his
people." 20:42

360. Although Naboth was set up here by Jezebel to steal his land, the text
assumes that the proper punishment for "blaspheming God and the king" is
death by stoning. 21:10-13

361. "Thus saith the Lord, in the place where dogs licked the blood of Naboth
shall dogs lick thy blood, even thine." 21:19

362. God will "bring evil upon" Ahab and "cut off" all those "that pisseth
against the wall." 21:21

363. Jezebel (Ahab's "strange" wife) "stirred up" Ahab to "work wickedness in
the sight of the Lord." To punish her, God will feed her dead body to the dogs.
(He also plans to feed the city folk to the dogs and country folks to the birds.)
21:23-25

364. Jehoshaphat "did that which was right in the eyes of the Lord" and
"took" the homosexuals (sodomites) "out of the land," or as the RSV says, "he
exterminated" them. 22:43, 46

2 Kings

365. Ahaziah was sick and sent messengers to Baalzebub to ask if he would
recover. God was jealous of the attention given to his competitor and tells
Ahaziah that he will die for asking the wrong god. 1:4, 17

366. Elijah shows that he is "a man of God" by burning 102 men to death.
1:9-12

367. God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha's
bald head. 2:23-24

368. God instructs the Israelites, through the prophet Elisha, to implement a
scorched earth policy on the Moabites. "Strike every fortified city and every
choice city, and fell every good tree and stop all springs of water, and mar
every good piece of land with stones." 3:19-25

369. In a desperate attempt to halt the slaughter of his people by the
Israelites, the king of Moab sacrifices his oldest son as a burnt offering. And it
seems to have worked! 3:27

370. Elisha not only can cure leprosy, he can also dish it out. Here he makes
his servant (Gehazi) and all his descendants lepers forever. 5:27

371. "So we boiled my son, and did eat him." Women killed, boiled and ate
their own children because of a plague that God sent, or as the Bible puts it:
"Behold, this evil is of the Lord." 6:28-29, 33

372. A man is trampled to death for disbelieving Elisha. 7:17-20

373. God sends a famine on the people that lasts for seven years. 8:1

374. God says that the "whole house of Ahab shall perish," and that he "will
cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall." 9:8

375. "And the dogs shall eat Jezebel ... and there shall be none to bury her."
9:10

376. Jehu shoots an arrow right through poor old Jehoram's heart. 9:24

377. God has Jezebel thrown off a wall. Her blood is sprinkled on the wall
and on the horses, by which she is trampled. Her body is eaten by dogs and
all that remains of it is her hands, feet, and skull. God says that she "shall be
as dung upon the face of the field." 9:33-37

378. All seventy of king Ahab's sons are killed, their heads put in baskets,
and sent to Jezreel. He says, "Lay ye them in two heaps ..." 10:7-8

379. Jehu kills all that remained of king Ahab's family. 10:11

380. Jehu captures and then murders 42 men. 10:14

381. Jehu shows off his zeal for the Lord by murdering "all that remained unto
Ahab in Samaria, till he had destroyed him according to the word of the Lord."
10:16-17

382. Jehu lied to the followers of Baal so that he could trap and kill them.
10:19

383. Jehu warns his guards saying, "If any of the men escape, he that letteth
him go, his life shall be for the life of him." 10:24
384. Jehu, when he finishes his animal sacrifices, orders his men to "Go in,
and slay them, let none come forth. And they smote them with the edge of the
sword." 10:25

385. God is greatly pleased with all of Jehu's killings, saying "because thou
hast done well in executing that which is right in mine eyes, and hast done
unto the house of Ahab according to all that was in mine heart [Jehu
murdered them all], thy children of the fourth generation shall sit on the throne
of Israel." 10:30

386. Jehu captures and then murders 42 men. 10:42

387. When Athaliah "saw that her son was dead, she arose and destroyed all
of the seed royal." 11:1

388. The priest has Athaliah and her followers killed. 11:15-16

389. The "Lord's people" destroyed the "house of Baal" and killed "the priest
of Baal before the altars." 11:17-18

390. Amaziah "did that which was right in the sight of the Lord" and killed ten
thousand Edomites. 14:3, 7

391. God strikes king Azariah with leprosy "unto the day of his death" for not
removing the high places. 15:5

392. King Menahem rips up all the pregnant women in Tizzah "because they
opened not to him." Does God approve of such acts? It's impossible to tell
from this passage; the mass murder is simply reported without editorial
comment. 15:16

393. God sent lions to devour the foreigners in Samaria because "they feared
not the Lord," and even worse "they knew not the manner of the God of the
land." Well that'll teach them about God's manners. 17:25-26

394. An "angel of the Lord" kills 185,000 men while they sleep. "And when
they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses." I guess
they all woke up and said, "Shucks, I'm dead." 19:35

395. Josiah, apparently with God's approval, kills "all the priests of the high
places" and sacrifices them to God on their altars. Note that this is a guy who
"did what was right in the eyes of the Lord" (2 Kg.22:2). 23:20

396. Even though Josiah did all that God asked of him, God still punished
him and all Jerusalem for the acts of his grandfather. 23:26

1 Chronicles

397. God killed Er for being "evil in the sight of the Lord." 2:3
398. The sons of Reuben made war with the Hagarites and "there fell down
many slain, because the war was from God." They did pretty well for
themselves, too, in God's war, taking 250,000 sheep and 100,000 slaves.
5:18-22

399. But the Israelites "transgressed against the God of their fathers, and
went a whoring after the gods of the people of the land, whom God destroyed
before them." So God inspired the Assyrians to go to war with the Israelites.
5:25-26

400. Saul died for refusing God's order to kill all of the Amalekites (15:2-3, 18-
19) and for consulting a witch (1 Sam.28:8-19). 10:13-14

401. "David said, Whosoever smiteth the Jebusites first shall be chief and
captain." 11:6

402. The chief of David's captains killed with his own spear 300 guys at one
time. 11:11

403. God kills Uzza for trying to keep the ark from falling. 13:9-10

404. "The LORD said unto him, Go up; for I will deliver them into thine hand."
God tells David to go to war with the Philistines, promising to deliver them
into his hand. 14:10

405. "God hath broken in upon mine enemies by mine hand."
God helps David slaughter his enemies. 14:11

406. "David therefore did as God commanded him: and they smote the host
of the Philistines." 14:16

407. "David also houghed all the chariot horses." 18:4

408. David kills 7000 men in chariots and 40,000 footmen. 19:18

409. David's army "wastes the children of Ammon ... besieged Rabbah ... and
destroyed it." 20:1

410. David tortures all the inhabitants of several cities "with saws, and with
harrows of iron, and with axes." 20:3

411. God kills 70,000 men because David had a census. 21:7

2 Chronicles

412. Solomon, when dedicating the temple, killed 22,000 oxen and 120,000
sheep. All the blood, guts, pain, and suffering must have made God very
happy. 7:5
413. God kills the king of Israel and helps Abijah kill 500,000 Israelites. "The
children of Judah prevailed, because they relied upon the Lord God of their
fathers." (That is, they had God on their side.) 13:15-20

414. In the largest single God-assisted massacre in the bible, Asa, with God's
help, kills one million Ethiopians. 14:8-14

415. "Nation was destroyed of nation, and city of city: for God did vex them
with all adversity." 15:6

416. Whoever that does not seek the God of Israel should be executed.
15:13

417. God inspired Jehoram's enemies to steal his wives and children. Then
he made Jehoram so sick that his bowels fell out. 21:14-19

418. Only Levites can enter "the house of the Lord". "Whosoever else cometh
into the house, he shall be put to death." 23:6-7

419. God told Jehu to kill everyone in the house of Ahab (and then later
condemned him for it (Hosea 1:4)). 22:7-9

420. The priest (Jehoiada) tells the people to kill Athaliah and her followers.
So they find her and kill her. "And all the people of the land rejoiced: and the
city was quiet, after that they had slain Athaliah with the sword." (Don't you
just love happy endings?) 23:14-15, 21

421. "Then all the people went to the house of Baal" and broke its altar into
pieces and killed Mattan the priest of Baal. 23:17

422. Amaziah (who "did that which was right in the sight of the Lord") killed
10,000 people; another 10,000 he left alive to throw off a cliff "that they all
were broken in pieces." 25:1-2, 11-12

423. God makes Uzziah a leper for burning incense without a license. 26:19-
21

424. Pekah killed 120,000 people in one day and enslaves 200,000 women
and children "because they had forsaken the Lord God of their fathers." 28:6,
8

425. The priests kill bullocks, rams, and lambs. The blood of the dead
animals is then sprinkled on the altars. 29:22, 24

426. God sent an angel to kill the Assyrian army. (According to 2 Kg.19:35
the angel killed 185,000 sleeping soldiers who woke the next morning to
discover that they were dead.) 32:21
427. God vows to "bring evil upon this place ... even all the curses that are
written in the book." He says his "wrath shall be poured out upon this place,
and shall not be quenched." 34:24-25, 28

428. God gets angry with his people, so he sends the king of the Chaldees to
kill all the "young men with the sword." He has compassion for no one, not
even old men that are "stooped for age." In his tender mercy and loving
kindness he has them all slaughtered. 36:16-17

Ezra (None)

Nehemiah (None)

Esther

429. Esther has two men "hanged on a tree." 2:22-23

430. Esther has another man (Haman) hung. 7:6, 10

431. Esther suggests that the ten sons of Haman should also be hanged. So
"they hanged Haman's ten sons. 9:13-14

432. The Jews kill 75,000. 9:16

Job

433. To start off God and Satan's gruesome game, Job's slaves and animals
are killed. 1:14-17

434. God (or Satan -- it's hard to tell them apart) sends a wind that kills Job's
sons and daughters. 1:18-19

435. "So went Satan forth from the presence of the LORD, and smote Job
with sore boils from the sole of his foot unto his crown." 2:7

436. Because of God's cruel wager with Satan, Job curses the day he was
born. 3:1-3, 11

437. God terrorizes people with arrows and poison. 6:4

438. God terrifies people by sending them nightmares while they sleep. 7:14

439. Speaking of God, Job says: "He teareth me in his wrath, who hateth me:
he gnasheth upon me with his teeth." 16:9

Psalms

440. If you ask God, he'll force heathens to be your slaves and help you
"dash them in pieces." 2:8-9
441. God has smitten his "enemies upon the cheek bone" and has "broken
the teeth of the ungodly." 3:7

442. Kiss the Son or God will get angry and might have to kill you. 2:12

443. Christians often say that one should love the sinner but hate the sin.
Perhaps, but God hates sinners and plans to destroy them. 5:5-6

444. God has prepared deadly weapons (swords, bows, etc.) and plans to
use them. 7:11-13

445. If you pray to God, he will kill your enemies for you. 9:3-6

446. God will rain fire and brimstone on "wicked" folks. 11:6

447. The God of peace teaches us how to kill our neighbors in war. 18:34

448. If you make God angry, he'll burn you and your children to death. 21:9-
10

449. God will shoot his adversaries in the back with his arrows. 21:12

450. A sweet prayer for the destruction of one's enemies: Let their way be
dark and slippery: and let the angel of the LORD persecute them.... Let
destruction come upon him at unawares." 35:6,8

451. God laughs at those that he will later torment. 37:13

452. If you forget God, God will tear you into pieces. 50:22

453. If you don't trust in God, he'll kill you and while you're dying the
"righteous" will laugh at you. 52:5-7

454. Referring to his enemies, the psalmist says: "Let death seize upon them,
and let them go down quick into hell." 55:15

455. The psalmist devoutly prays: "Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth ...
let them be cut in pieces." 58:6-7

456. The psalmist asks God to kill all "the heathen" and not show them any
mercy. 59:5

457. God will laugh at the heathen as he kills them. 59:8

458. "The righteous" will rejoice when he sees "the wicked" being
dismembered by God. He'll even get a chance to wash his feet in their blood.
Now that's entertainment! 58:10

459. "The God of mercy" will let the psalmist see his enemies tormented.
59:10
460. "Consume them in thy wrath, consume them." -- more sweet prayers to
a savage god. 59:13

461. God will "wound the head of his enemies" so that the righteous can
wash their feet "in the blood of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in
the same." 68:21, 23

462. The psalmist prays that his enemies be tormented and blinded by God.
He asks God to "make their loins continually to shake." 69:23-28

463. "The LORD heard this" (he had his hearing aid on) and became angry,
and burned people "because they believed not in God." 78:21-22

464. "The wrath of God came upon them" and God killed many of the
Israelites for not believing in "his wondrous works." 78:31-34

465. The psalmist asks God to " do unto them as unto the Midianites ... which
became as dung for the earth." 83:9-18

466. If you don't follow God's commandments, he will beat you with a rod.
89:31-32

467. "A fire goeth before him, and burneth up his enemies round about." 97:3

468. "I will ... destroy all the wicked of the land." 101:8

469. God gives the lions their meat. The cruelty and brutality of nature are all
part of God's plan. 104:21

470. The psalmist recounts God's treatment of the Egyptians: "He smote the
firstborn in their land." See Ex.12:29-30 for the gory details. 105:29-36

471. God is praised for the creative ways that he kills people: drowning,
earth-swallowing, burning, etc. 106:11-19

472. God sent a plague on the Israelites for "committing whoredom with the
daughters of Moab." But "then stood up Phinehas, and executed judgment [by
throwing a spear through a newly married couple]: and so the plague was
stayed." But not before 24,000 (1 Cor.10:8 says 23,000) had died. (See
Num.25:6-9 for all the gory details.) 106:29-30

473. The psalmist asks God to do all sorts of unpleasant things to his
enemies. "Set thou a wicked man over him; and let Satan stand at his right
hand .... Let his prayer become sin." He asks God to take away his
possessions, kill him, and have his children suffer for the sins of their fathers.
109:6-14

474. God will "fill the places with dead bodies" of heathens. 110:6
475. God is praised for slaughtering kings, nations, and little babies. 135:8,
10

476. "To him that smote Egypt in their first born: for his mercy endures
forever." 136:10

477. God "overthrew Pharaoh and his host in the Red sea: for his mercy
endureth for ever." 136:15

478. God "smote great kings: for his mercy endureth for ever." 136:17-18

479. "Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the
stones." 137:9

480. The psalmist excels at hating. He hates people with a "perfect hatred"
and asks God to kill them. 139:19-22

481. A prayer that God will burn people to death. 140:10

482. The God of Peace teaches us to kill each other in war. 144:1

483. he saints praise God while they kill and enslave "the heathen." 149:5-8

Proverbs

484. Beating your children with a rod is a sure sign of parental love. 13:24

485. God made bad people for the pleasure of punishing them. 16:4

486. Fools are meant to be beaten. 18:6

487. Beat your children and don't stop just because they cry. 19:18

488. Scorners (skeptics?) should be condemned; fools should be beaten.
19:29

489. "The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward
parts of the belly." 20:30

490. "The wicked shall be a ransom for the righteous." 21:18

491. Beating your children will make them less foolish. Have you beaten your
child today? 22:15

492. Beat your children hard and often. Don't worry about hurting them. You
may break a few bones and cause some brain damage, but it isn't going to kill
them. And even if they do die, they'll be better off. They'll thank you in heaven
for beating the hell out of them. 23:13-14

493. Whip horses and strike the backs of foolish people with rods. 26:3
494. Beating your children will make them wise. 29:15

495. Beat your servants (slaves), as though they were your children. 29:19

496. If you mock your father or disobey your mother, the ravens will pick out
your eyeballs and the eagles will eat them. 30:17

497. "The wringing of the nose bringeth forth blood." 30:33

Ecclesiastes (None)

Song of Solomon (None)

Isaiah

498. "And ... instead of a sweet smell there shall be stink," with people
suffering from baldness and burnings, and the men killed with swords. 3:24-25

499. After God "washed away the filth" from the women and killed the men,
he set up "a cloud and smoke by day" and a "flaming fire by night." 4:4-5

500. God will kill those who despise his word and fail to follow his laws. Their
carcasses will be "torn in the midst of the streets." 5:24-25

501. If you associate or gird yourself, God will break you in pieces. 8:9

502. God will have no mercy on the widows and children of hypocrites. 9:17

503. God will make every man kill his brother and then force him to eat "the
flesh of his own arm." 9:19-20

504. God will "smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath
of his lips he shall slay the wicked." 11:4

505. "I have commanded my sanctified ones ... to destroy the whole land."
God has his holy ones do his dirty work for him. 13:3-5

506. On God's day he will kill sinners with great anger, wrath, and cruelty.
Those who die will have their faces consumed by flames. 13:6-9

507. If God can find you, he will "thrust you through," smash your children "to
pieces" before your eyes, and rape your wife. He will have no mercy, but will
even kill your little children. 13:15-18

508. God will slaughter children "for the iniquity of their fathers." 14:21

509. After God destroys Moab, the rivers will be red with blood. He will send
lions to eat any survivors. 15:9
510. The God of Peace will set brother against brother and kingdom against
kingdom. Then he'll make the survivors seed the counsel of "wizards," and
subject them to a "cruel lord." 19:2-4

511. The Apocalypse of Isaiah: God will destroy the earth, burning everyone
and every living thing alive (except maybe a few men). 24:1-6

512. "And the people shall ... be burned in the fire." 33:12

513. God is furious at everyone and is ready to kill them all. Or as Isaiah so
delicately puts it: "Their stink shall come up out of their carcasses, and the
mountains shall be melted with their blood." 34:2-3

514. God's sword "will be bathed in heaven." Sounds like a place to stay
away from. 34:5

515. God's sword is "filled with blood," and he fully intends to use it. He'll kill
so many people with it that the "land shall be soaked with blood." 34:6-8

516. An angel of God kills 185,000 men. "And when they [those killed by the
angel?] arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead men." 37:36

517. God will "go forth as a mighty man" who cries and roars, and "will cry
like a travailing woman." After he tires of roaring and crying he'll "destroy and
devour." What a guy. 42:13

518. God makes Egypt, Ethiopia, and Seba pay for Israel's sins. He says that
he likes Israel better than any other country so he's willing to sacrifice other
countries for the Israel's sake. 43:3-4

519. No astrologer, stargazer, or prognosticator will be able to save those that
God plans to burn to death. 47:13-14

520. God "will do his pleasure on Babylon." (He will mercilessly slaughter the
Babylonians.) 48:14

521. "I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be
drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine." 49:26

522. "The heavens shall vanish away like smoke, and the earth shall wax old
like a garment, and they that dwell therein shall die in like manner." (God
plans to destroy the universe.) 51:6

523. "I will ... trample them in my fury; and their blood ... will stain all my
raiment." (God's clothes will get stained with the blood of humans.) 63:2-6

524. "God's servants" will eat, drink, and be merry; everyone else will be
hungry, thirsty, and ashamed -- until God kills them, that is. 65:13-16
525. God will "plead with all flesh" with fire and sword, "and the slain of the
Lord shall be many." 66:16

526. The carcasses of those killed by God will be piled high. They will rot and
burn forever. And although their stench will be revolting to humans, it will be a
sweet savour unto the Lord. 66:24

Jeremiah

527. God tries to "correct" people by killing their children. 2:30

528. Circumcise the foreskin of your heart or God will burn you to death. 4:4

529. God will bring evil to entire cities, destroying them and wipe out all of
their inhabitants. 4:6-7

530. What was once fruitful is now barren. Birds have fled, people are gone,
towns are in ruins. All "by his (God's) fierce anger." 4:25-26

531. God sends plagues and violence to correct people. 5:3

532. God will send lions and leopards to tear people into little bitty pieces. 5:6

533. God will kill those who believe and preach the wrong doctrines. 5:12-13

534. God again talks of bringing a foreign nation to destroy his chosen ones
and their lands. 5:15-17

535. "I am full of the fury of the Lord; I am weary of holding it in." He's
anxious to "pour it out" on children, young men, husbands, wives, and old
people. 6:11-12

536. God threatens to punish the men by taking away all of their property,
including their wives, and giving them to others. 6:12

537. God plans to kill pretty much everyone: fathers and sons, family, friends,
and neighbors. God plans to kill them all after laying a stumbling block before
them. 6:21

538. God will send soldiers from the north that will kill everyone and have no
mercy. 6:22-23

539. God will pour out his anger on both man and beast. Not even the trees
will be spared from his wrath. And the ground itself will burn forever. 7:20

540. God will feed the people to the birds and the beasts, "and none shall
fray them away." 7:33

541. God will cover the earth with dead bodies that will not be buried. "They
shall be for dung upon the face of the earth." 8:2
542. People will choose to kill themselves, rather than be killed by their
vicious God. 8:3

543. God will give the people bad food and water, and then kill them with a
sword. 9:15-16

544. God will kill children and young men, and the dead bodies "shall fall as
dung .... and none shall gather them." 9:21-22

545. "Behold, the days come, saith the LORD, that I will punish all them
which are circumcised with the uncircumcised." I guess that'd include just
about everyone -- well, all the men anyway. 9:25-26

546. Jeremiah prays for the destruction of people and families that don't call
on God's name. 10:25

547. God "will bring evil upon" people from which they will not be able to
escape. And if they cry out to him for help, he will not help them. 11:11

548. God forbids others from praying for his victims. Such prayers would go
unanswered anyway, he says, because he "will not hear them in their time of
trouble." 11:14

549. God will punish the people by killing their young men in war and starving
their children to death. 11:22

550. Jeremiah asks God to drag away his enemies like "sheep for the
slaughter." 12:3

551. God delivered his people "into the hand of her enemies." He "hates" his
"dearly beloved" people and plans to feed them to the birds. 12:7-9

552. God's sword will "devour" everyone until "no flesh shall have peace."
12:12

553. If any nation does not listen to God, he "will utterly pluck up and destroy
that nation." 12:17

554. God plans to make everyone in the kingdom drunk and then "dash the
fathers and the sons together." The merciful God of Peace vows to "not pity,
nor spare, nor have mercy, but destroy them." 13:13-14

555. God tells Jeremiah not to pray for the people. God has decided to kill
them all and he doesn't want to be talked out of it. 14:11

556. God will ignore the peoples' prayers, and kill them all with war,
starvation, and disease. 14:12
557. God will destroy by famine and sword those who are misled by the
prophets, as well as the prophets themselves. 14:15-16

558. God tells Jeremiah not to bother praying for the people. Even if Moses
and Samuel (and Jesus?) were to ask him to reconsider, he wouldn't. He's
going to kill everybody and nobody can stop him! 15:1

559. God plans to do four things to his people: 1) kill them with swords, 2)
tear their flesh with dogs, 3) have the birds, and 4) the beasts eat their bodies.
Why will he do these terrible things? Because of something some former king
did. 15:2-4

560. God again threatens Jerusalem with mass destruction. Here are some
of the highlights: He will kill children, make more widows than there are grains
of sand, terrorize cities, and then kill the survivors. 15:7-9

561. God will have you enslaved and, if you make him mad enough, he will
burn you to death. 15:14

562. God tells Jeremiah not to get married or have children, because he's
going to kill everyone (mothers and daughters, fathers and sons). They all
"shall die of grievous deaths," and that shall neither "be lamented" nor buried,
but "shall be as dung upon the face of the earth." For he has removed peace,
"lovingkindness," and mercy from the people. 16:1-7

563. God will kill children if their parents worship other gods. 16:10-11

564. If you don't honor the Sabbath, God will burn you to death
unquenchable fire. 17:27

565. God admits that he does evil things to people. 18:11

566. Jeremiah asks God to kill the young men in war and the children by
starvation. 18:21

567. God will do so much evil to the people that whoever hears of it will have
their ears tingle. 19:3

568. God will make parents eat their own children, "and they shall eat
everyone the flesh of his friend." 19:7-9

569. God will break those who worship other gods as though they were made
of clay, killing so many that there will not be enough room to bury them all.
19:11-13

570. "For thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will make thee a terror to thyself,
and to all thy friends: and they shall fall by the sword of their enemies, and
thine eyes shall behold it." 20:4
571. God himself will fight and kill everyone in fury "with an outstretched hand
and with a strong arm." 21:5

572. "I will smite the inhabitants of this city, both man and beast: they shall
die of a great pestilence." 21:6

573. God will deliver Zedekiah and those that survive the famine, disease,
and war into Nebuchadrezzar's hand, and "he shall smite them with the edge
of the sword; he shall not spare them, neither have pity, nor have mercy. 21:7

574. God tells the Judeans to either surrender to the Babylonians and
become their slaves or die. "Behold, I am against thee." No kidding. 21:9-13

575. God will have Jeconiah's enemies kill him and his mother and then
ensure that he die without leaving any sons. 22:25-30

576. God promises to kill everyone by war, starvation, and disease. 24:10

577. God will force "all the kingdoms of the world" to drink "and be drunken".
Then he'll kill "all the inhabitants of the earth" with a sword. 25:26-29

578. God will kill so many people that the entire earth will be covered with
their dead bodies. No one is to mourn them or even bury them; "they shall be
dung upon the ground." 25:31-33

579. God will destroy "the peaceable habitations" and make the land desolate
"because of his fierce anger." 25:37-38

580. Anyone who disobeys King Nebuchadnezzar will be punished "with the
sword, and with the famine, and with the pestilence, until I have consumed
them by his hand." 27:8

581. God kills Hananiah for prophesying falsely. 28:15-17

582. God will send his usual blessings upon his people: "the sword, the
famine, and the pestilence." He "will make them like vile figs, that cannot be
eaten, they are so evil." 29:17-18

583. God will kill those who refuse listen to his prophets. 29:19

584. God will deliver Ahab and Zedekiah into the hands of Nebuchadrezzar
"and he shall slay them before your eyes" and Ahab will be "roasted in the
fire." 29:21-22

585. God will punish the children of Shemaiah for their father's false
prophecy. 29:32

586. God litters the ground "with the dead bodies of men" that he has killed in
his anger and fury. 33:5
587. God threatens again to send his people the sword, pestilence, and
famine, saying he'll feed their dead bodies to the fowls and beasts of the
earth. 34:17-20

588. All those who move to Egypt will die by the sword, famine, or pestilence.
None "shall escape from the evil" that comes directly from God. 42:15-18, 22

589. When God pours forth his fury and his anger, entire cities are destroyed.
44:6

590. God's not finished with Judah. He will bring more evil upon them. Even
those Jews that flee to Egypt will not be spared. God will hunt them down and
kill them all with war, famine, and disease. 44:11-13

591. "I will watch over them for evil, and not for good." 44:27

592. God says he will bring evil upon all flesh. 45:5

593. The day of the Lord will be "a day of vengeance." On that day God's
sword will become drunk with blood. 46:10

594. God plans to drown the Philistines in a flood, and "all the men shall cry,
and all the inhabitants of the land shall howl." 47:2

595. God plans to kill just about everybody. "No city shall escape." 48:8

596. "Cursed by he that keepeth back his sword from blood." 48:10

597. God will destroy everyone in Moab. Fire will burn their heads, and their
sons and daughters will be taken captive. 48:42-47

598. God will cause the daughters of Rabbah to be burned with fire. 49:2

599. God will send such marvelous plagues on Edom that everyone will hiss
in astonishment. 49:17

600. God plans to "bring evil upon" the people of Elam. He says he'll kill them
all with a sword. 49:37

601. God says to do the usual thing to the inhabitants of "the land of
Merathaim": kill them all. 50:21

602. God commands that all Babylonian bullocks be slaughtered, that
archers shoot all Babylonians, and that all their men be killed in war. 50:27-30

603. God, the pyromaniac, will personally set the fires that will burn to death
the inhabitants of entire cities. 50:32
604. God plans to kill all the Babylonian horses, and to make the Babylonian
men "become like women." (A fate worse than death to a misogynous god.).
50:37

605. God wants us to be his "battle axe and weapons of war" to "break in
pieces the nations" and "destroy kingdoms." 51:20

606. God will "break in pieces" nations and kingdoms, horse and rider, man
and woman, old and young, young man and maid, the shepherd and his flock,
husbandman and his yoke of oxen, captain and kings. It seems that God
intends to break us all into pieces. 51:21-23

607. God will get the Babylonians drunk and then kill them all, leading them
"like lambs to the slaughter." 51:39-40

Lamentations

608. God tramples "as in a winepress" mighty men, young men, and virgins.
1:15-16

609. "The Lord Was an enemy." 2:4-8

610. God mercilessly kills everyone, young and old. He even causes women
to eat their children. 2:20-22

611. God is like a bear or a lion who secretly pursues you and then tears you
apart. 3:10-11

612. "Give them sorrow of heart, thy curse unto them. Persecute and destroy
them in anger." 3:63-64

613. God punishes the Israelites by starving their children to death. 4:4-9

614. God "accomplishes his fury" by making women eat their children. 4:10-
11

Ezekiel

615. If a good person does something wrong after God "lays a stumbling
block before him," then God will kill him. "He shall die in his sin" and whatever
good he has done will be forgotten. 3:20

616. God will cause the fathers to eat their sons and the sons to eat their
fathers. 5:10

617. God will slaughter everyone by killing one third with plagues, one third
with famines, and one third with wars. If any somehow survive, he'll send "evil
beasts" to devour them. Finally, after he's done killing, he "will be comforted."
5:11-17
618. God will decorate the land with the bones and dead bodies of those who
worship a different god. 6:4-5

619. God makes his presence known by killing people with famine, disease,
and war. 6:7-14

620. God will pour out his fury on everyone, with pity toward none. By so
doing he says that "ye shall know that I am the Lord that smiteth." Indeed,
who would else would behave so viciously? 7:3-9

621. God's is mad at everyone and no one will escape his wrath. He'll kill
them all with war, disease, and starvation. "Horror shall cover them" and "they
shall know that I am the Lord." 7:14-28

622. God promises again to slaughter everyone. He says that he will ignore
them when they plead with him for mercy. 8:18

623. God sends a "man clothed with linen" to mark the foreheads of the men
who will be saved. Apparently only men are considered good enough to keep,
the others (unmarked men, "maids", little children, and women) are to be
slaughtered. God says he'll "fill the courts with the slain" and will have pity on
no one. 9:4-10

624. When you fall by the sword, you'll know that he is the Lord. 11:8-12

625. When God kills everyone in the city, then you'll know that he is the Lord.
(Who else would be so cruel?) 12:15-16, 20

626. God gets mad at a wall and destroys it, along with those who worked on
it. 13:14-15

627. God again vows to destroy those that dare worship something or
someone other than him. 14:6-8

628. God deceives some of his prophets and then kills them for believing his
lies. 14:9

629. When really bad things happen (like you get eaten by wild beasts, get
killed in war, get sick and die, etc.), then you'll know that it was God that did it
to you. 14:13, 15, 19, 21

630. God will burn the inhabitants of Jerusalem to show everyone that he is
the Lord. 15:6-7

631. For being such a whore, God punished Jerusalem by starving the
Israelites and handing them over to the Philistines. 16:17

632. After exposing her nakedness, God will give her "blood in fury and
jealousy" and strip her naked once more. 16:38-41
633. God gave the Israelites "statutes that were not good and judgments
whereby they should not live." He "polluted" them so that he "might make
them desolate" and force them to kill and sacrifice their children "that they
might know" that he is the Lord. 20:25-26

634. God will set a fire in the southern kingdom that will devour everything
and burn everyone. "And all flesh shall see that I the LORD have kindled it."
20:47-48

635. God will kill everyone -- good and bad, just and unjust. 21:3-4

636. God describes the various ways that he will kill people. 21:8-32

637. "Thou shalt be for fuel to the fire; thy blood shall be in the midst of the
land ... for I the LORD have spoken it." 21:32

638. God will gather all of Israel and consume them in the fires of his anger.
22:20-22

639. God couldn't find anyone to stand up to him, so he's going to destroy
everyone. 22:30-31

640. Two sisters were guilty of "committing whoredoms" by pressing their
breasts and bruising "the teats of their virginity." As a punishment, one sister's
nakedness was discovered, her children were taken from her, and she was
killed by the sword. And the fate of the surviving sister was even worse: Her
nose and ears were cut off, she was made to "pluck off" her own breasts, and
then after being raped and mutilated, she is stoned to death. 23:1-49

641. God gets all excited about cooking with "scum" and human flesh, saying
"kindle the fire, consume the flesh, and spice it well, and let the bones be
burned." 24:3-14

642. God kills Ezekiel's wife and then tells him not to mourn her. 24:15-18

643. God will kill everyone that claps his hands or stamps his feet "against
the land of Israel." When he's done with the killing everyone will know that he
is the Lord. 25:6-17

644. God says he will destroy Tyrus. He plans to kill everyone, but he is
especially looking forward to killing all of the women. "And her daughters
which are in the field shall be slain by the sword; and they shall know that I
am the LORD." 26:1-21

645. Now God has singled out the king of Tyre for his tirades. 28:7-10, 18-19

646. Watch out or God will make you "die the deaths of the uncircumcised,"
which is, no doubt, a most unpleasant death. 28:10
647. God says that Zidon will know that he is the Lord when he sends
"pestilence and blood into her streets." 28:22-23

648. God tells Ezekiel to prophesy against the pharaoh and against all Egypt.
God says he will feed the Egyptians to the birds and beasts. 29:2-5

649. God makes "all their loins to be at a stand." When this is achieved, God
will get out his sword and "cut off man and beast out of thee." Ouch! 29:7-9

650. God will punish Egypt and her allies by sending Nebuchadrezzar to "fill
the land with the slain." Then he will make "the rivers dry," sell the land to "the
wicked," make "the land waste," light fires, and kill all their young men with the
sword. 30:4-26

651. "And they shall know that I am the LORD, when I have set a fire in
Egypt." (The Divine Pyromaniac) 30:8, 30:14, 30:16

652. God will treat Pharaoh like a whale fished out of the sea. Every bird and
beast in the world will feed upon him. 32:3-6

653. God will vex the hearts of many people, destroy entire nations, brandish
his sword, kill animals, and cause floods. In this way people will come to know
him (just before he kills them?). 32:9-15

654. God takes a break from killing people while he kills all the animals in
Egypt. 32:13

655. Pharaoh and all his multitude, along with the uncircumcised, will be
killed with the sword. 32:20-32

656. If a "righteous" person does something wrong, God will forget every
good thing that that person has ever done. Then God will kill him for the single
mistake. 33:13

657. God plans some more killing by the sword, beasts, and the pestilence.
33:27-29

658. God will kill everyone in the cities, "and thou shalt know that I am the
LORD." 35:3-4

659. "And I will fill his mountains with his slain men, and ye shalt know that I
am the LORD." 35:6-9

660. God will return their own anger and hatred upon them, "and they shall
know that I am the LORD." 35:11-15

661. Someday the God of Peace will start a war between Gog and Israel.
38:16
662. God will cause each man's sword to be against his brother; he will send
disease and make it rain fire and brimstone. He says that by doing this he'll
magnify and sanctify himself and let everyone know that he is the Lord. 38:21-
23

663. God will have birds and beasts eat human flesh and drink human blood
until they are full and drunken. 39:4, 17-20, 28

664. God "will send a fire on Magog ... and the heathen shall know that I am
the Lord." 39:6-7

665. God hid his face from the Israelites, refusing to hear their prayers, while
giving "them into the hand of their enemies: so fell they all by the sword."
39:23-24

Daniel

666. Nebuchadnezzar, after first trying to burn to death the three Hebrews,
now decrees that everyone who says anything against the Hebrew god "shall
be cut in pieces, and their houses shall be made a dunghill." 3:29

667. King Darius, after trying to feed Daniel to the lions, orders those who
accused Daniel (and their wives and children) to be cast into the lion den.
"And the lions ... brake all their bones in pieces." 6:24

Hosea

668. God (or Hosea?) tells his children that their mother is a whore who is not
his wife. He asks them to tell their mother to "put away her whoredoms" and
"her adulteries from between her breasts" or he'll "strip her naked ... and slay
her with thirst." 2:2-3

669. God will tear up Ephraim like a lion so that "in their affliction they will
seek me." 5:14

670. "Woe unto them! for they have fled from me: destruction unto them!"
7:13

671. For ignoring God "their princes shall fall by the sword." 7:16

672. "I will send a fire upon his cities." 8:14

673. God will induce miscarriages and kill the children of Ephraim. 9:11-12

674. "O Lord: what wilt thou give? give them a miscarrying womb and dry
breasts." 9:14

675. "I will slay even the beloved fruit of their womb." 9:16
676. God will punish Israel by "dashing" together mothers and their children.
10:14

677. The blame for Ephraim's bloody destruction falls on Ephraim, not on
God. Even though God is the one who brings it about. 12:14

678. God will rip humans apart and then eat them like a lion.13:7-8

679. Because the Samaritans chose to worship another deity, God will dash
their infants to pieces and their "women with child shall be ripped up." 13:16

Joel

680. "Beat your plowshares into swords and your pruninghooks into spears."
3:10

Amos

681. The divine pyromaniac threatens to "send fire unto" Hazael, Gaza,
Tyrus, Teman, Rabbah, Moab, and Judah. 1:4, 7, 10, 12, 14; 2:2, 5

682. God will "slay all the princes" of Moab.2:3

683. God destroyed the Amorites who were a race of giants as tall as cedars
and as strong as oaks. 2:9

684. God afflicts the Israelites with "cleanness of teeth" (famine) and drought.
And then he wonders why they don't turn to him. 4:6-9

685. God sends the pestilence, kills young men with the sword, and makes
t1e "stink of your camps to come up unto your nostrils." 4:10

686. God tells the Israelites to seek him or he'll kill 90% of them. 5:3-4

687. Seek God or he'll burn you to death. 5:6

688. When there is wailing and mourning, you'll know God's been there. 5:16-
17

689. God says, "If there remain ten men in one house, that they shall die."
6:9

690. "The LORD commandeth, and he will smite the great house with
breaches, and the little house with clefts."
(God will destroy people's houses.) 6:11

691. In the first of Amos' visions, God makes some grasshoppers and sends
them to devour the peoples' crops. 7:1-2

692. Next God sends a fire that consumes both land and sea. 7:4
693. God will kill the house of Jeroboam with the sword, and force the
Israelites into captivity. 7:9-11

694. Amos tells Amaziah that his wife will become a whore, his children will
be killed, and he'll die in a pagan country. 7:17

695. God tells Amos that the end has come for the people of Israel. He won't
wait any longer to kill them all. 8:2

696. God will kill so many people that dead bodies will lay everywhere. 8:3-14

697. God will "slay the last of them with the sword." Any that try to escape by
diving to the bottom of the sea will be bitten, at God's command, by a serpent.
God will set his "eyes upon them for evil, not for good." 9:1-4

698. God will destroy the "the sinful kingdom" and "all the sinners" among his
people. 9:8-10

Obadiah

699. The Israelites hear "a rumor from the Lord" telling them to start a war
with the Edomites. 1, 8

700. God tells Israelites to "destroy the wise men out of Edom" and to
slaughter "everyone of the mount of Esau." 8-9

701. God will burn all the heathen to death, "for the LORD hath spoken it."
16-18

Jonah (None)

Micah

702. God will destroy Samaria with stones. 1:6

703. Plucking off skin, flesh from bones, eating human flesh, flaying off skin,
breaking bones, chopping bodies in pieces, making human stew. All this and
more will happen to God's favorite people. But when they "cry unto the Lord,
he will not hear them." 3:2-4

704. God will strengthen the Israelites so they can "beat in pieces many
peoples" and give the booty to God. 4:13

705. "They shall waste the land of Assyria with the sword." 5:6

706. Like a young lion "the remnant of Jacob" will tear the Gentiles to pieces.
5:8
707. "Thine hand shall be lifted up upon thine adversaries, and all thine
enemies shall be cut off." 5:9

708. God will "cut off" the witches and soothsayers. 5:11-12

709. God will destroy entire cities, and "execute vengeance in anger and fury
upon the heathen such as they have not heard." 5:14-15

710. God will make his people sick, hungry, and desolate. Those who survive
he will "give up to the sword." 6:13-16

711. The Gentiles will be made deaf, shall lick dust and be forced to crawl like
worms from fear of God and his people. 7:16-17

Nahum

712. God doesn't just get even. He drowns his enemies. 1:8

713. "Behold, I am against thee, saith the LORD of hosts, and I will burn her
chariots." 2:13

714. "There is a multitude of slain, and a great number of carcasses; and
there is none end of their corpses; they stumble upon their corpses." Now
that's a lot of dead people. 3:3

715. God punished Nineveh by enslaving the people and smashing the little
children in the streets. 3:10

716. God says that "the fire shall devour thee, the sword shall cut thee off, it
shall eat thee up like the cankerworm." 3:15

Habakkuk

717. "Before him [God] went the pestilence, and burning coals went forth at
his feet." 3:3-5

718. Habakkuk praises God for slaughtering "the heathen." 3:12

Zephaniah

719. God plans to kill every living thing. 1:2-3

720. God will "cut off" all those who "have not sought the Lord" or who
worship another god. 1:4-6

721. God will "bring distress upon men" so that they "walk like blind men." He
will pour out their blood like dust and "their flesh as dung." 1:17

722. God will kill all the inhabitants of the sea coast. 2:5
723. God will destroy Moab and Ammon just like he did to Sodom and
Gomorrah. 2:9

724. God will be "terrible" to humans and will "famish all the gods." 2:11

725. God will kill the Ethiopians with his own sword. 2:12

726. God destroyed entire cities, killing all the inhabitants. 3:6

727. "All of the earth shall be devoured with the fire of my jealousy." 3:8

Haggai

728. "I [God] will overthrow the chariots, and those that ride in them ... every
one by the sword of his brother." 2:22

Zechariah

729. "For I set all men every one against his neighbor." 8:10

730. God will cast out Tyrus and devour it with fire. 9:4

731. God will mercilessly "feed the flock of slaughter" by making every one
kill his neighbor. 11:6

732. "Let the rest eat every one the flesh of another." 11:9

733. "Woe to the idle shepherd." He will be mutilated and blinded. 11:17

734. God will open his eyes and smite "every rider with madness ... and
every horse ... with blindness." 12:4

735. A prophet must be killed by his own parents by "thrusting him through
when he prophesieth." 13:3

736. God will make "all nations" fight against Jerusalem. The women will be
"ravished" and half its people enslaved. 14:1-2

737. God will smite the people with plagues that will cause their flesh, eyes,
and tongues to rot away. 14:12

738. God will make everyone fight and kill his neighbor. 14:13

739. God sends his plagues on animals too. 14:15

740. Whoever survives all these plagues and slaughters must worship God.
14:16

741. God will "smite the heathen" with a plague. 14:18
Malachi

742. God continues to demand animal sacrifices. And not just any animals
will do. He is insulted when blind, lame, or sick animals are killed for him. 1:8,
13-14

743. God will burn "the wicked" and the "righteous" will walk around on their
ashes. 4:1-3

744. The Old Testament ends fittingly with these words: "lest I come and
smite the earth with a curse."
Intolerance in the Bible
If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of
thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly,
saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known ... thou
shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and
afterwards the hand of all the people. And thou shalt stone him with stones,
that he die.--Dt.13:6-10

But you ask me what the scariest things are in Christianity: this infatuation
with biblical prophecy and this notion that Jesus is going to come back as an
avenging savior to kill all the bad people. -- Sam Harris, Beliefnet inverview

Genesis

1. God gives Abraham and his descendants all of the land of Canaan
"forever". This promise is still used to justify the unending battles over the land
in the Middle East. 13:14-15, 17:8

2. An uncircumcised boy is to be abandoned by his parents and community.
17:14

3. God kills everyone (men, women, children, infants, newborns) in Sodom
and Gomorrah by raining "fire and brimstone from the Lord out of heaven."
Well, almost everyone -- he spares the "just and righteous" Lot and his
family.19:24

4. Lot's nameless wife looks back, and God turns her into a pillar of salt.
19:26

5. Abraham makes his servant swear that he won't let Isaac marry a
Canaanite. 24:3

6. Isaac tells Jacob not to marry a Canaanite. 28:1

7. Jacob's sons can't stand the idea of their sister marrying someone who is
uncircumcised. 34:14

8. "And Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the Lord; and the
Lord slew him." What did Er do to elicit God's wrath? The Bible doesn't say.
Maybe he picked up some sticks on Saturday. 38:7

9. After God killed Er, Judah tells Onan to "go in unto they brother's wife."
But "Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and ... when he went in unto
his brother's wife ... he spilled it on the ground.... And the thing which he did
displeased the Lord; wherefore he slew him also." This lovely Bible story is
seldom read in Sunday School, but it is the basis of many Christian doctrines,
including the condemnation of both masturbation and birth control. 38:8-10
10. After Judah pays Tamar for her services, he is told that she "played the
harlot" and "is with child by whoredom." When Judah hears this, he says,
"Bring her forth, and let her be burnt." 38:24

Exodus

11. God decides to kill Moses because his son had not yet been
circumcised. 4:24-26

12. God will kill the Egyptian children to show that he puts "a difference
between the Egyptians and Israel." 11:7

13. After God has sufficiently hardened the Pharaoh's heart, he kills all the
firstborn Egyptian children. When he was finished "there was not a house
where there was not one dead." 12:29

14. No stranger, foreigner, or uncircumcised person can eat the Passover.
12:43, 45, 48

15. If you do what God says, he won't send his diseases on you (like he did
to the Egyptians). But otherwise.... 15:26

16. When the people complain to Moses, he tells them they aren't
complaining about him, but about God, making them apostates and heretics,
and therefore deserve severe punishment. Religious leaders have used this
tactic ever since. 16:8

17. Joshua, with God's approval, kills the Amalekites "with the edge of the
sword." 17:13

18. The Lord will have war with Amalek from generation to generation."
17:14

19. God favors Israelites "above all people." 19:5

20. The first commandment ("Thou shalt have no other gods before me.")
condemns those who worship any other than the biblical god. 20:3

21. "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." Thousands of innocent women
have suffered excruciating deaths because of this verse. 22:18

22. "He who sacrificeth unto any god, save unto the Lord only, he shall be
utterly destroyed." If this commandment is obeyed, then the four billion people
who do not believe in the biblical god must be killed. 22:20

23. Don't even mention the names of the other gods. 23:13

24. Do not allow others to worship a different god. Conquer them and
destroy their religious property. 23:24
25. God promises to "send his fear before the Israelites" and to kill everyone
that they encounter when they enter the promised land. 23:27

26. Stay away from those who worship a different god. 23:32

27. Don't let any strangers attend your animal sacrifices. 29:33

28. Whoever puts holy oil on a stranger shall be "cut off from his people."
30:33

29. Those who break the Sabbath are to be executed. 31:14

30. Moses burned the golden calf, ground it into powder, and then forced it
down the throats of all the people. 32:20

31. God orders the sons of Levi (Moses, Aaron, and the other members of
their tribe that were "on the Lord's side") to kill "every man his neighbor.... And
there fell of the people that day about 3000 men." 32:27-28

32. God drives out the pagan tribes and commands the Israelites to destroy
their altars and places of worship. 34:11-14

33. God, "whose name is Jealous", will not tolerate the worship of any other
god. 34:14

34. Whoever works, or even kindles a fire, on the Sabbath "shall be put to
death." 35:2-3

Leviticus

35. Two of the sons of Aaron "offered strange fire before the Lord" and "there
went out fire from the Lord, and devoured them, and they died before the
Lord." 10:1-2

36. God "put the plague of leprosy" into the houses of the Canaanites. 14:34

37. Homosexual acts are an abomination to God. 18:22

38. Don't eat anything with blood, observe times, round the corners of your
head, mar the corners of your beard, make any cuttings in your flesh for the
dead, or print any marks on you. 19:26-28

39. Stay away from wizards and people with familiar spirits. 19:31

40. Stay away from people with familiar spirits and don't "go a whoring" after
them either. 20:6

41. If a man has sex with another man, kill them both. 20:13
42. People with "familiar spirits" (witches, fortune tellers, etc.) are to be
stoned to death. 20:27

43. Handicapped people cannot approach the altar of God. They would
"profane" it. 21:16-23

44. No stranger or slave can "eat of the holy thing." 22:10, 13

45. If a priest's daughter marries "a stranger" she can't eat any holy things.
22:12

46. Don't do any work on the day of atonement or God will destroy you.
23:29-30

47. A man curses and blasphemes while disputing with another man. Moses
asks God what to do about it. God says that the whole community must stone
him to death. "And the children of Israel did as the Lord and Moses
commanded." 24:10-23

48. God tells the Israelites to make slaves out of their neighbors and their
families. The "heathens" and "strangers" are to be their possessions forever.
25:44-46

49. God describes the torments that he has planned for those who displease
him. The usual stuff: plagues, burning fevers that will consume the eyes, etc.
but he reserves the worst for the little children. He says "ye shall sow your
seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it," "I will send wild beasts among you,
which shall rob you of your children," and "ye shall eat the flesh of your sons
and daughters." 26:16-39

50. Anyone who blasphemes or curses shall be stoned to death by the entire
community. 24:16

Numbers

51. God shows his hospitality with the admonition: "The stranger that cometh
nigh shall be put to death." 1:51, 3:10, 3:38

52. Two of Aaron's sons are killed by God for "offering strange fire before the
Lord." 3:4

53. God tells the people to expel from camp "every leper, every one that hath
an issue, and whoever is defiled by the dead." So by God's instructions, the
sick are abandoned and left to suffer and die alone. 5:1-4

54. "And when the people complained, it displeased the Lord: and the Lord
heard it." (He had his hearing aid on.) He then burned the complainers alive.
That'll teach them. 11:1
55. "And while the flesh [of the quails] was yet between their teeth, ere it was
chewed, the wrath of the Lord was kindled against the people, and the Lord
smote the people with a very great plague. "The Bible isn't too clear about
what these poor folks did to upset God so much; all it says is that they had
"lusted." 11:33

56. God killed those that murmured against him with a plague. 14:36-37

57. Because of a dispute between Korah and Moses, God has the ground
open up and swallow Korah, Dathan, and Abiram "and their wives, and their
sons, and their little children." Then, just for the hell of it, God has a fire burn
to death 250 "men that offered incense." 16:20-35

58. After God killed Korah, his family, and 250 innocent bystanders, the
people complained saying, "ye have killed the people of the Lord." So God,
who doesn't take kindly to criticism, sends a plague on the people. And "they
that died in the plague were 14,700." 16:41-50

59. "And the Lord hearkened to the voice of Israel, and delivered up the
Canaanites; and they utterly destroyed them and their cities." This verse
demonstrates the power of prayer: If you ask God, he will destroy entire cities
for you. 21:3

60. God delivers the Amorites into Moses' hands. (You're in God hands with
Moses.) So Moses does the Christian thing, killing everyone "until their was
none left alive." 21:34-35

61. After the people "commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab," Moses
has them all killed. Then God tells Moses to hang their dead bodies up in front
of him; God says that this will satisfy him. 25:1-5

62. When one of the Israelite men brings home a foreign woman, "Phinehas
(Aaron's grandson) sees them and throws a spear "through the man .. and the
woman through her belly." This act pleases God so much that "the plague was
stayed from the children of Israel." But not before 24,000 had died. 25:6-9

63. For impaling the interracial couple, God rewards Phinehas and his sons
with the everlasting priesthood. 25:10-13

64. God tells Moses how to care for his neighbors by saying: "Vex the
Midianites, and smite them." 25:16-17

65. The ground swallow Korah and his companions and a fire consumes 250
men. 26:10

66. "And Nadab and Abihu died when they offered strange fire before the
Lord." When you go camping avoid making any unusual fires. 26:61

67. Under God's direction, Moses' army defeats the Midianites. They kill all
the adult males, but take the women and children captive. When Moses
learns that they left some live, he angrily says: "Have you saved all the
women alive? Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that
hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not
known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." So they went back
and did as Moses (and presumably God) instructed, killing everyone except
for the virgins. In this way they got 32,000 virgins -- Wow! (Even God gets
some of the booty -- including the virgins.) 31:1-54

68. God killed all the Egyptian firstborn. 33:4

69. God tells Moses to exterminate the residents of Canaan and destroy all
of their religious symbols and possessions. 33:50-52

70. But if the Israelites don't kill them all, then God will make them pricks in
their eyes and thorns in their sides. And he will do unto the Israelites as he
planned to do to the inhabitants of Canaan. 33:55-56

Deuteronomy

71. "The Lord destroyed them before them" -- the general treatment of the
people who were supposedly displaced by the Israelites. 2:21-22

72. All nations shall be terrorized by the followers of Yahweh. 2:25

73. God hardened the heart of the king of Heshbon and so that he could
have him and all of his people killed. 2:30

74. At God's instructions, the Israelites "utterly destroyed the men, women,
and the little ones" leaving "none to remain." 2:33-36

75. God destroyed the followers of Baalpeor. 4:3

76. If someone makes an image of anything (like a bird or flower) then God
will destroy the entire nation. 4:25-26

77. God brought the Israelites out of Egypt "by war ... and by great terrors."
4:34

78. The first commandment ("Thou shalt have no other gods before me.")
condemns those who worship any other than the biblical god. 5:4

79. If you worship the wrong god, God will get jealous and kill you. 6:15

80. God instructs the Israelites to kill, without mercy, all the inhabitants
(strangers) of the land that they conquer. 7:2

81. God forbids marriages with those of other tribes. 7:3
82. If you do show any mercy to such strangers, "give your daughters to any
of them, or "take" any of their daughters, then you'll get God so angry that he'll
"destroy thee suddenly." 7:4

83. Destroy the altars, images, and places of worship of those with different
religions. 7:5

84. God prefers the Israelites to everyone else. It's not that he's prejudiced,
he just like them better. 7:6

85. God will kill those who hate him. 7:10

86. God's favorite people will never be infertile (neither will their cows!) and
will never get sick. (God will send infertility and diseases on the other guys.)
7:14-15

87. God commands his people to "consume all the people which the Lord thy
God shall deliver thee; thine eye shall have no pity on them." 7:16

88. God will send hornets to kill your enemies, "for the Lord thy God is
among you, a mighty God and terrible." 7:20-23

89. Burn and "utterly detest" the religious symbols of other faiths. They are
an abomination to God. If you bring such an image into your house you will
become "a cursed thing like it." 7:25-26

90. "If thou do at all forget the LORD thy God, and walk after other gods ...
ye shall surely perish." 8:19-20

91. God orders the destruction of all other places of worship. 12:2-3

92. After God kills those of other faiths, be sure to reject their beliefs and do
not learn about them. Otherwise God will have to kill you too. 12:30

93. Prophets and dreamers are to be executed if they say or dream the
wrong things. 13:1-5

94. If your brother, son, daughter, wife, or friend tries to get you to worship
another god, "thou shalt surely kill him, thine hand shall be first upon him to
put him to death." 13:6-10

95. If you hear of a city where another god is worshiped, then destroy
everyone in the city (even the cattle) and burn it down. (Watch out Salt Lake!)
13:12-16

96. Kill everyone who has religious beliefs that are different from your own.
17:2-7

97. Anyone who will not listen to a priest or a judge must be executed. 17:12-
13
98. Wizards, witches, astrologers, and new age folks are all "an abomination
unto the Lord." 18:10-12

99. False prophets are to be (you guessed it) executed. How do you know
who is a false prophet? By whether or not their predictions come true. (Watch
out Jehovah's Witnesses!) 18:20

100. Women cannot wear men's clothing and vice versa -- it's an
"abomination unto the Lord." 22:5

101. God won't let bastards attend church. Neither can the sons or daughters
of bastards "even to the tenth generation." So if you plan to attend church
next Sunday be ready to prove that your genitals are intact and don't forget
your birth certificate and genealogical records for at least the last ten
generations. Don't laugh. This stuff is important to God. 23:2

102. No Moabite will ever be allowed into the congregation of the Lord. 23:3,
6

103. God commands the Israelites to "blot out the rembrance of Amalek from
under heaven." A few hundred years later God orders Saul to kill of the
Amalekites "both man and woman, infant and suckling." (1 Sam.15:2-3) 25:19

104. If you don't obey all of the laws that are given in the Old Testament, God
shower you with the curses that are given in the next 52 verses. 28:16-68

105. "Cursed shall be the fruit of thy body." 28:18

106. God will send you "cursing, vexing, the pestilence, consumption, fever,
inflammation, extreme burning, the sword, blasting, and mildew." 28:20-22

107. "And thy carcass shall be meat to all the fowls of the air." 28:25-26

108. "The Lord will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and the emerods
[hemorrhoids], and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst be
healed. The Lord will smite thee with madness, and blindness, and
astonishment of heart." 28:27-28

109. "Thine ox shall be slain before thine eyes." 28:31

110. Thy sons and thy daughters shall be given unto another people." 28:32

111. You will be enslaved and driven mad in another country. 28:33-34

112. "The Lord will smite thee in the knees, and in the legs, with a sore botch
that cannot be healed, from the sole of thy foot unto the top of thy head."
28:35
113. You will be ruled by other nations, forced to serve other gods, become a
laughingstock among your neighbors, have your crops destroyed by locusts,
your vines eaten by worms, and have fruitless olive trees. 28:36-40

114. "Thou shalt begat sons and daughters, but thou shall not enjoy them; for
they shall go into captivity." 28:41

115. "All these curses shall come upon thee ... and upon thy seed for ever."
28:48-49

116. God will enslave you and destroy you with hunger, thirst, hardship, and
all kinds of deprivation. 28:48-52

117. "And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and
of thy daughters." 28:53-55

118. "The tender and delicate woman" will be forced to eat her own children
"that cometh out from between her feet." 28:56-57

119. If you don't do as God says he'll send plagues to torment and destroy
you. 28:58-67

120. God will have you sold to your enemies -- but even they won't buy you.
28:68

121. If you serve the gods of other nations, "all the curses that are in this
book" will fall upon you. 29:18-20

122. "And the Lord will put all these curses upon thine enemies." See
Dt.28:16-64 for some of the curses God has in mind. 30:7

123. Moses tells the people that God will destroy all the inhabitants of the
lands that they pass through. 31:3

124. God hates non-believers. 32:19-20

125. When God gets mad -- watch out! He'll starve you to death, burn you
with fire, and send vicious beasts to devour you. He'll "destroy both the young
man and the virgin, the suckling also with the man of gray hairs." Not even the
helpless and innocent are spared by this psychotic God. 32:21-26

Joshua

126. God "magnifies" Joshua and promises to "without fail" drive out all the
inhabitants of the lands through which they passed. 3:7

127. "And the city shall be accursed ... and all that therein, to the Lord: only
Rahab the harlot shall live." God explains that Rahab is to be spared since
she hid Joshua's spies and lied to those who were searching for them (2:4-5).
But why was everyone else killed? Some of them were probably liars too. 6:17
128. Keep yourselves from "the accursed thing". Whatever that is. But be
sure to save all the silver and gold for God! 6:18-19

129. "And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and
woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the
sword." 6:21

130. After killing everyone, "they burnt the city with fire, and all that was
therein." Only the valuables (silver, gold, brass, and iron) did they keep to "put
into the treasury of the house of the Lord." 6:24

131. Joshua says that those who try to rebuild Jericho will be accursed by
God, and will have to sacrifice both their oldest and their youngest sons in its
construction. Well, Jericho still exists today, and is often considered to be the
world's oldest, continuously occupied city. 6:26

132. God tells Joshua to kill whoever tood "the accursed thing." 7:10-12

133. Joshua and all the elders tear their clothes, fall on their faces, and put
dust on their heads. They perform this tantrum because the Israelites lost a
battle [God was punishing them because one man (Achan) "took of the
accursed thing"]. 7:1-13

134. If you happen to see "the accursed thing," don't touch it. If you do, you,
your family, and all of your animals must be burned. 7:15

135. "And Joshua ... took Achan ... and his sons, and his daughters, and his
oxen, and his sheep... And all of Israel stoned them with stones, and burned
them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones." This is because Achan
"took of the accursed thing" -- whatever that means. But why would God
require that Achan's sons and daughters (and even his animals) be stoned to
death along with him? The Bible doesn't say. But it does tell us that "the Lord
turned from the fierceness of his anger" when Achan, his children, and his
animals were stoned to death and their dead bodies burned. 7:24-26

136. "When ye have taken the city [Ai] ... ye shall set the city on fire:
according to the commandment of the LORD. 8:8

137. Joshua and his army, per God's instructions, slaughter "all the
inhabitants of Ai." 8:22-26

138. God slaughters the Amorites and even chases them "along the way" as
they try to escape. Then he sends down huge hailstones and kills even more
of them. 10:10-11

139. God tells Joshua to "pursue after your enemies and smite the hindmost
of them." (Kick their butts.) Don't let any of them escape "for the Lord your
God hath delivered them into your hand." 10:19
140. Joshua tells his captains to "put your feet upon the necks of these
kings." He says, "thus shall the Lord do to all of your enemies." Then Joshua
kills the kings and hangs them on trees. 10:24-26

141. Joshua, at God's command, kills everyone and everything that he can
find (including babies and little children)-- or, as the Bible puts it, he "utterly
destroyed all that breathed, as the Lord commanded." 10:28-32

142. God delivers the Hazorites into Joshua's hand, and he knows just what
to do with them: he smites them all with (you guessed it) the edge of the
sword until "there was not any left to breathe." 11:6-17

143. "For it was of the Lord to harden their hearts, that they should come
against Israel in battle, that he might destroy them utterly." Notice that God
hardens their hearts so that he can have an excuse to kill them. 11:20

144. "Did not Achan son of Zerah commit a trespass in the accursed thing,
and wrath fell on all the congregation of Israel?" To find out see Joshua 7:1-
26. 22:20

145. God is jealous and will never forgive you for your sins. And if you
worship other gods, "He will turn and do you hurt, and consume you." 24:19-
20

Judges

146. "They slew the Canaanites that inhabited Zephath, and utterly destroyed
it ... And the Lord was with Judah." (You can tell by the number of innocent
people he killed.) 1:17, 19

147. The Israelite spies killed everyone in Bethel, except for the man (and his
family) who showed them how to enter the city. 1:25

148. An angel drops by to rebuke the Israelites for being too tolerant of the
religious beliefs of the people they have been massacring. He tells them that
since they didn't complete their job (of killing everyone), God will not
completely drive them out (like he promised to do). Instead he'll keep some of
them around so that the Israelites will be ensnared by their false gods. 2:1-3

149. God gets angry when the Israelites reject him and decide to worship
other Gods. 2:12

150. God "delivers" more folks into the hands of his chosen people. "And they
slew of Moab ... about 10,000 men ... and their escaped not a man." 3:28-29

151. Shamgar kills 600 Philistines with an ox goad. Praise God. 3:31

152. "The Lord discomfited Sisera ... with the edge of the sword ... and there
was not a man left." 4:15-16
153. "So let all thine enemies perish, O Lord." (Let them all have their
temples pierced by blessed women.) 5:31

154. "The LORD said unto him, Surely I will be with thee, and thou shalt
smite the Midianites as one man." God promises to help Gideon kill all the
Midianites. 6:16

155. Two princes are killed and their heads are brought to Gideon. 7:25

156. For refusing to feed him and his army, Gideon tears the flesh off the
elders of Succoth and kills the men of the city. 8:7, 16

157. "As soon as Gideon was dead ... the children of Israel ... went a whoring
after Baalim." 8:33

158. God smites Sihon and all his people and gives their land to Israel. 11:21

159. "Whomsoever the LORD our God shall drive out from before us, them
will we [the Israelites] possess." 11:24

160. The Israelites "did evil in the sight of the Lord," so he "delivered them
into the hand of the Philistines forty years." 13:1

161. Samson, with God's help, kills himself and 3000 Philistine men and
women by causing a roof to collapse, setting an example for Bible-based
terrorism. 16:27-30

Ruth (None)

1 Samuel

162. "The adversaries of the Lord shall be broken to pieces; out of heaven
shall he thunder upon them." If God doesn't like you, he'll send a
thunderstorm your way to break your body into little pieces. 2:10

163. God will kill those who sin against him. 2:25

164. If you piss him off, God will cut off your arm, consume your eyes, grieve
your heart, and kill your sons and grandfathers. 2:31-34

165. God kills 50,070 men for looking into the ark. "And the people lamented,
because the Lord had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter."
6:19

166. "Saul ... slew the Ammorites unto the heat of the day." Then he took a
little break. After all, killing is hard work. 11:11

167. God delivers the Philistines into Jonathan's hand. And his very "first
slaughter ... was about twenty men." Not bad for a first slaughter. 14:12
168. Under God's influence, the Philistines killed each other. 14:20

169. But later, Saul and his army kill all of those who had not already been
killed. 14:36

170. God orders Saul to kill all of the Amalekites: men, women, infants,
sucklings, ox, sheep, camels, and asses. Why? Because God remembers
what Amalek did hundreds of years ago. 15:2-3

171. Saul killed everyone but Agag (the king) and the best of the animals. But
still God was furious with Saul for not killing everything as he had been told to
do. He said, "it repenteth me that I have set Saul up to be king." 15:7-26

172. Saul is rebuked by Samuel for "doing evil in the sight of the Lord" by
failing to kill all of the Amalekites. 15:18-19

173. Because Saul didn't kill everyone as God commanded, God changes his
mind about him being king. 15:23-26

174. To please God, Samuel hacks Agag in pieces "before the Lord" [I bet
God enjoyed that!] -- after Agag pleads with him saying, "surely the bitterness
of death has past." 15:32-34

175. "David went out, and fought with the Philistines, and slew them with a
great slaughter." 19:8

176. "David inquired of the Lord, saying, Shall I go and smite these
Philistines? And the Lord said unto David, Go, and smite the Philistines ... So
David smote them with a great slaughter." 23:2-5

177. David vows to kill "any that pisseth against the wall." 25:22, 34

178. "And David smote the land and left neither man nor woman alive." (No
wonder God liked David so much!) 27:8-11

179. David spends the day killing more of those pesky Amalekites. They are
completely wiped out again. (See 1 Sam.15:7-8, 20 and 27:8-9 for the last two
times that they were exterminated.) 30:17

2 Samuel

180. David tells one of his "young men" to kill the Amalekite messenger who
claimed to have mercifully killed Saul at Saul's own request. 1:15

181. David asks God if he should kill some more Philistines. God says yes,
and he'll even help. So David and God "smote the Philistines" again. 5:19, 25

182. "They left their images, and David and his men burned them." 5:21
183. David kills two thirds of the Moabites and makes the rest slaves. He also
cripples the captured horses. 8:2-4

184. "David slew of the Syrians two and twenty thousand men ... and the
Lord preserved David withersoever he went." 8:5-6, 14

185. David saws, hacks, and burns to death all the inhabitants of several
cities. 12:31

1 Kings

186. Note that Solomon is told to stay away from foreign women. Why?
Because they have different ("strange") religious beliefs, and God
disapproves of mixed-faith marriages. 11:2

187. Joab (David's captain) spent six months killing every male in Edom.
11:16

188. God shows his homophobia by calling gay people "sodomites" and their
sexual relations "abominations." 14:24

189. Asa "did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD" by expelling
homosexuals (or "sodomites", as the good book calls them). 15:12

190. Baasha kills "all of the house of Jeroboam" leaving none "to breath."
This slaughter was done "according to the word of the Lord." 15:29

191. Elijah kills 450 prophets of Baal. 18:22, 40

192. The prophet tells king Ahab that he, and his people, shall be punished
for releasing Ben-hadad: "Your life shall go for his life, and your people for his
people." 20:42

193. Naboth is stoned to death for blaspheming god and the king. 21:13

194. Jehoshaphat "did that which was right in the eyes of the Lord" and
"took" the homosexuals (sodomites) "out of the land," or as the RSV says, "he
exterminated" them. 22:43, 46

2 Kings

195. Ahaziah was sick and sent messengers to Baalzebub to ask if he would
recover. God was jealous of the attention given to his competitor and tells
Ahaziah that he will die for asking the wrong god. 1:4, 17

196. Elijah shows that he is "a man of God" by burning 102 men to death for
worshipping the wrong god. 1:9-12

197. God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha's
bald head. 2:23-24
198. All seventy of king Ahab's sons are killed, their heads put in baskets,
and sent to Jezreel. He says, "Lay ye them in two heaps ..." 10:7-8

199. Jehu kills all that remained of king Ahab's family. 10:11

200. Jehu shows off his zeal for the Lord by murdering "all that remained unto
Ahab in Samaria, till he had destroyed him according to the word of the Lord."
10:16-17

201. Jehu lied to the followers of Baal so that he could trap and kill them.
10:19

202. Jehu warns his guards saying, "If any of the men escape, he that letteth
him go, his life shall be for the life of him." 10:24

203. Jehu, when he finishes his animal sacrifices, orders his men to "Go in,
and slay them, let none come forth. And they smote them with the edge of the
sword." 10:25

204. God is greatly pleased with all of Jehu's killings, saying "because thou
hast done well in executing that which is right in mine eyes, and hast done
unto the house of Ahab according to all that was in mine heart [Jehu
murdered them all], thy children of the fourth generation shall sit on the throne
of Israel." 10:30

205. The "Lord's people" destroyed the "house of Baal" and and killed "the
priest of Baal before the altars." 11:17-18

206. God strikes king Azariah with leprosy "unto the day of his death" for not
removing the high places. 15:5

207. God sent lions to devour the foreigners in Samaria because "they feared
not the Lord," and even worse "they knew not the manner of the God of the
land." Well that'll teach them about God's manners. 17:25-26 King Josiah
(with God's approval) "put down" the priests and destroyed the sacred objects
of all other religions.

208. Josiah, with God's approval, broke down the houses of the sodomites.
23:7

209. Josiah, apparently with God's approval, kills "all the priests of the high
places" and sacrifices them to God on their altars. Note that this is a guy who
"did what was right in the eyes of the Lord" (2 Kg.22:2). 23:20

1 Chronicles

210. The sons of Reuben made war with the Hagarites and "there fell down
many slain, because the war was from God." They did pretty well for
themselves, too, in God's war, taking 250,000 sheep and 100,000 slaves.
5:18-22

211. But the Israelites "transgressed against the God of their fathers, and
went a whoring after the gods of the people of the land, whom God destroyed
before them." So God inspired the Assyrians to go to war with the Israelites.
5:25-26

212. Saul died for refusing God's order to kill all of the Amalekites (15:2-3, 18-
19) and for consulting a witch (1 Sam.28:8-19). 10:13-14

213. "When they had left their gods there, David gave a commandment, and
they were burned with fire." 14:12

2 Chronicles

214. Solomon's Egyptian wife can't be around holy places. Is that because
she is a woman or because she is an Egyptian, or both? 8:11

215. Asa destroyed the temples of other gods and forbade their worship.
14:2-5

216. "Nation was destroyed of nation, and city of city: for God did vex them
with all adversity." 15:6

217. Whoever that does not seek the God of Israel should be executed.
15:13

218. Asa destroyed his mother's phallic imaage idol. 15:16

219. Hate the sinner -- or God will pour his wrath out on you. 19:2

220. Only Levites can enter "the house of the Lord". "Whosoever else cometh
into the house, he shall be put to death." 23:6-7

221. God told Jehu to kill everyone in the house of Ahab (and then later
condemned him for it (Hosea 1:4)). 22:7-9

222. The priest (Jehoiada) tells the people to kill Athaliah and her followers.
So they find her and kill her. "And all the people of the land rejoiced: and the
city was quiet, after that they had slain Athaliah with the sword." (Don't you
just love happy endings?) 23:14-15, 21

223. "Then all the people went to the house of Baal" and broke its altar into
pieces and killed Mattan the priest of Baal. 23:17

224. Amaziah (who "did that which was right in the sight of the Lord") killed
10,000 people; another 10,000 he left alive to throw off a cliff "that they all
were broken in pieces." 25:1-2, 11-12
225. God makes Uzziah a leper for burning incense without a license. 26:19-
21

226. Pekah killed 120,000 people in one day and enslaves 200,000 women
and children "because they had forsaken the Lord God of their fathers." 28:6,
8

227. Josiah, with the Bible's approval, persecuted those with different
religious beliefs. 34:1-5

Ezra

228. The Israelites offend God by "taking" foreign wives and thereby
corrupting "the holy seed." 9:2

229. Ezra tells the men that they must abandon their wives and children if
they are to avoid God's wrath. 10:2-3, 10-12

Nehemiah

230. The Ammonite and the Moabite should not come into the congregation
of God for ever. 13:1

231. Nehemiah rebukes the men for marrying "strange wives." To punish
them he "contended with them, and cursed them, and smote certain of them,
and plucked off their hair." 13:25-27

Esther (None)

Job (None)

Psalms

232. If you ask God, he'll force heathens to be your slaves and help you
"dash them in pieces." 2:8-9

233. Kiss the Son or God will get angry and might have to kill you. 2:12

234. God has smitten his "enemies upon the cheek bone" and has "broken
the teeth of the ungodly." 3:7

235. Christians often say that one should love the sinner but hate the sin.
Perhaps, but God hates sinners and plans to destroy them. 5:5-6

236. If you pray to God, he will kill your enemies for you. 9:3-6

237. God will rain fire and brimstone on "wicked" folks. 11:6

238. "The LORD shall cut off all flattering lips, and the tongue that speaketh
proud things." 12:3
239. Atheists are fools who never do anything good. 14:1, 53:1

240. The God of peace teaches us how to kill our neighbors in war. 18:34

241. If you make God angry, he'll burn you and your children to death. 21:9-
10

242. God will shoot his adversaries in the back with his arrows. 21:12

243. The psalmist sets an example for Christians by hating people but loving
God. 31:6

244. A sweet prayer for the destruction of one's enemies: Let their way be
dark and slippery: and let the angel of the LORD persecute them.... Let
destruction come upon him at unawares." 35:6,8

245. The Psalmist praises God for driving out and afflicting "the heathen" with
his own hand. 44:2

246. If you forget God, God will tear you into pieces. 50:22

247. If you don't trust in God, he'll kill you and while you're dying the
"righteous" will laugh at you. 52:5-7

248. God will send evil on the enemies of his followers. 54:5

249. Referring to his enemies, the psalmist says: "Let death seize upon them,
and let them go down quick into hell." 55:15

250. The psalmist devoutly prays: "Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth ...
let them be cut in pieces." 58:6-7

251. "The righteous" will rejoice when he sees "the wicked" being
dismembered by God. He'll even get a chance to wash his feet in their blood.
Now that's entertainment! 58:10

252. The Psalmist asks God to kill all "the heathen" and not show them any
mercy. 59:5

253. God will laugh at the heathen as he kills them. 59:8

254. "The God of mercy" will let the psalmist see his enemies tormented.
59:10

255. "Consume them in thy wrath, consume them." -- more sweet prayers to
a savage god. 59:13
256. God divides the world into those countries that he likes and those that
he doesn't. Those he doesn't like he calls names (like "washpot") and says
that he will throw his sandal on them. 60:7-8

257. God will "wound the head of his enemies" so that the righteous can
wash their feet "in the blood of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in
the same." 68:21, 23

258. The psalmist prays that his enemies be tormented and blinded by God.
He asks God to "make their loins continually to shake." 69:23-28

259. "The LORD heard this" (he had his hearing aid on) and became angry,
and burned people "because they believed not in God." 78:21-22

260. "The wrath of God came upon them" and God killed many of the
Israelites for not believing in "his wondrous works." 78:31-34

261. God "cast out the heathen" and gave their lands to the Israelites. 78:55

262. The psalmist asks God to pour out his wrath on somebody else for a
change. Why not torment some strangers "that have not known thee?" 79:5-6

263. The psalmist asks God to " do unto them as unto the Midianites ... which
became as dung for the earth." 83:9-18

264. If you don't follow God's commandments, he will beat you with a rod.
89:31-32

265. "I will ... destroy all the wicked of the land." 101:8

266. The psalmist recounts God's treatment of the Egyptians: "He smote the
firstborn in their land." See Ex.12:29-30 for the gory details. 105:29-36

267. God is praised for the creative ways that he kills people: drowning,
earth-swallowing, burning, etc. 106:11-19

268. God sent a plague on the Israelites for "committing whoredom with the
daughters of Moab." But "then stood up Phinehas, and executed judgment [by
throwing a spear through a newly married couple]: and so the plague was
stayed." But not before 24,000 (1 Cor.10:8 says 23,000) had died. (See
Num.25:6-9 for all the gory details.) 106:29-30

269. God is offended by those who make things with their hands or invent
things with their minds. 106:39

270. The psalmist asks God to do all sorts of unpleasant things to his
enemies. "Set thou a wicked man over him; and let Satan stand at his right
hand .... Let his prayer become sin." He asks God to take away his
possessions, kill him, and have his children suffer for the sins of their fathers.
109:6-14
271. God will "fill the places with dead bodies" of heathens. 110:6

272. God is praised for slaughtering kings, nations, and little babies. 135:8,
10

273. "To him that smote Egypt in their first born: for his mercy endures
forever." 136:10

274. The psalmist excels at hating. He hates people with a "perfect hatred"
and asks God to kill them. 139:19-22

275. A prayer that God will burn people to death. 140:10

276. The God of Peace teaches us to kill each other in war. 144:1

277. he saints praise God while they kill and enslave "the heathen." 149:5-8

Proverbs

278. Scorners (skeptics?) should be condemned; fools should be beaten.
19:29

279. If you don't listen to and follow the laws of Moses, then don't even try
praying, because your prayer will become an abomination. 28:9

Ecclesiastes (None)

Song of Solomon (None)

Isaiah

280. "They declare their sin as Sodom, they hide it not. Woe unto their soul!"
The biblical god just doesn't seem to care much for homosexuals. And he
gets especially upset when "they hide it not." 3:9

281. God will kill those who despise his word and fail to follow his laws. Their
carcasses will be "torn in the midst of the streets." 5:24-25

282. If you associate or gird yourself, God will break you in pieces. 8:9

283. God will have no mercy on the widows and children of hypocrites. 9:17

284. God will slaughter children "for the iniquity of their fathers." 14:21

285. After God destroys Moab, the rivers will be red with blood. He will send
lions to eat any survivors. 15:9
286. The God of Peace will set brother against brother and kingdom against
kingdom. Then he'll make the survivors seed the counsel of "wizards," and
subject them to a "cruel lord." 19:2-4

287. The Apocalypse of Isaiah: God will destroy the earth, burning everyone
and every living thing alive (except maybe a few men). 24:1-6

288. God will have no mercy on those who don't understand him. 27:11

289. "And the people shall ... be burned in the fire." 33:12

290. God is furious at everyone and is ready to kill them all. Or as Isaiah so
delicately puts it: "Their stink shall come up out of their carcasses, and the
mountains shall be melted with their blood." 34:2-3

291. God makes Egypt, Ethiopia, and Seba pay for Israel's sins. He says that
he likes Israel better than any other country so he's willing to sacrifice other
countries for the Israel's sake. 43:3-4

292. No astrologer, stargazer, or prognosticator will be able to save those that
God plans to burn to death. 47:13-14

293. God "will do his pleasure on Babylon." (He will mercilessly slaughter the
Babylonians.) 48:14

294. "I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be
drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine." 49:26

295. Nations that do not serve Israel will perish. 60:12

296. "God's servants" will have it good; everyone else will suffer big time.
63:13-16

297. "I will ... trample them in my fury; and their blood ... will stain all my
raiment." (God's clothes will get stained with the blood of humans.) 63:2-6

298. Don't eat "swine flesh" (like ham or bacon) or other "abominable things"
or God will have to kill you. 65:4, 66:17

299. "God's servants" will eat, drink, and be merry; everyone else will be
hungry, thirsty, and ashamed -- until God kills them, that is. 65:13-16

300. God will "plead with all flesh" with fire and sword, "and the slain of the
Lord shall be many." 66:16

301. The carcasses of those killed by God will be piled high. They will rot and
burn forever. And although their stench will be revolting to humans, it will be a
sweet savour unto the Lord. 66:24

Jeremiah
302. Those who worship "other gods" are wicked. 1:16

303. God tries to "correct" people by killing their children. 2:30

304. God sends plagues and violence to try to correct people. 5:3

305. Those who don't follow or know God are "poor" and "foolish." 5:4

306. God will kill those who believe and preach the wrong doctrines. 5:12-13

307. God again talks of bringing a foreign nation to destroy his chosen ones
and their lands. 5:15-17

308. God "will bring evil upon this people, even the fruit of their thoughts"
because they refuse to do whatever the hell he asks them to do. 6:19

309. God says that there are some people that you just shouldn't bother
praying for. And if you do he won't listen anyway. 7:16

310. God is angered by children who gather wood, fathers who make fires,
and women that make bread for the "queen of heaven" (Mary?) and other
gods. 7:18

311. Don't trust anyone. Not even your neighbors, family, or friends. Those
who believe differently than you are all liars and evil doers. 9:4-6

312. "Learn not from the heathen." 10:2

313. Jeremiah prays for the destruction of people and families that don't call
on God's name. 10:25

314. Those who don't follow the Old Testament laws are cursed by God. 11:3

315. Jeremiah prays for vengeance upon his enemies. 11:20

316. Jeremiah asks God to drag away his enemies like "sheep for the
slaughter." 12:3

317. If any nation does not listen to God, he "will utterly pluck up and destroy
that nation." 12:17

318. Worshipping other gods "is good for nothing." 13:10

319. God plans to make everyone in the kingdom drunk and then "dash the
fathers and the sons together." The merciful God of Peace vows to "not pity,
nor spare, nor have mercy, but destroy them." 13:13-14

320. God tells Jeremiah not to pray for the people. God has decided to kill
them all and he doesn't want to be talked out of it. 14:11
321. God will destroy by famine and sword those who are misled by the
prophets, as well as the prophets themselves. 14:15-16

322. God plans to do four things to his people: 1) kill them with swords, 2)
tear their flesh with dogs, 3) have the birds, and 4) the beasts eat their bodies.
Why will he do these terrible things? Because of something some former king
did. 15:2-4

323. God will kill children if their parents worship other gods. 16:10-11

324. God will enslave the people of Judah because they worshipped the
wrong gods. 17:4

325. Jeremiah asks God to bring evil upon his enemies and to "destroy them
with double destruction." 17:18

326. If you don't honor the Sabbath, God will burn you to death
unquenchable fire. 17:27

327. For worshipping "other gods, whom neither they nor their fathers have
known," God will make parents eat their own children, and friends each other.
Then he'll feed whoever's left to the birds. 19:4, 7-9

328. God will break those who worship other gods as though they were made
of clay, killing so many that there will not be enough room to bury them all.
19:11-13

329. Don't make God angry by going after other gods. If you do, he'll just
have to hurt you. 25:6

330. God kills Hananiah for prophesying falsely. 28:15-17

331. God will kill those who refuse listen to his prophets. 29:19

332. God will punish the children of Shemaiah for their father's false
prophecy. 29:32

333. God threatens again to send his people the sword, pestilence, and
famine, saying he'll feed their dead bodies to the fowls and beasts of the
earth. 34:17-20

334. God is angry at the Israelites for making things with their hands and
burning incense to other gods. 44:8

335. God is going to do some really bad things to the people because the
women burned incense to the "Queen of Heaven" (Mary?). 44:15-23

336. "I will punish the multitude of No, and Pharaoh, and Egypt, with their
gods, and their kings; even Pharaoh, and all them that trust in him." 46:25
337. God will destroy everyone in Moab. Fire will burn their heads, and their
sons and daughters will be taken captive. 48:42-47

338. God will cause the daughters of the Ammonites to be burned with fire.
49:2

339. God will send such marvelous plagues on Edom that everyone will hiss
in astonishment. 49:17

340. God plans to "bring evil upon" the people of Elam. He says he'll kill them
all with a sword. 49:37

Lamentations

341. "Give them sorrow of heart, thy curse unto them. Persecute and destroy
them in anger." 3:63-64

Ezekiel

342. If a good person does something wrong after God "lays a stumbling
block before him," then God will kill him. "He shall die in his sin" and whatever
good he has done will be forgotten. 3:20

343. God will decorate the land with the bones and dead bodies of those who
worship a different god. 6:4-5

344. God shows Ezekiel a group of women weeping for Tammuz. Tammuz
was the Sumero-Accadian god of plant life. Each year after the summer
solstice there was a period of ritual mourning for the loss of sunlight and the
decline of vegetation. God calls it an abomination. 8:14-15

345. God again vows to destroy those that dare worship something or
someone other than him. 14:6-8

346. God planned to "pour out [his] fury" on the Hebrews in Egypt for
worshipping idols. But then he changed his mind, thank God. 20:7-8

347. God will kill everyone that claps his hands or stamps his feet "against
the land of Israel." When he's done with the killing everyone will know that he
is the Lord. 25:6-17

348. God says he will destroy Tyrus. He plans to kill everyone, but he is
especially looking forward to killing all of the women. "And her daughters
which are in the field shall be slain by the sword; and they shall know that I
am the LORD." 26:1-21

349. God says that Zidon will know that he is the Lord when he \ sends
"pestilence and blood into her streets." 28:22-23
350. God tells Ezekiel to prophesy against the pharaoh and against all Egypt.
God says he will feed the Egyptians to the birds and beasts. 29:2-5

351. "The day ... of the LORD is near, a cloudy day; it shall be the time of the
heathen." God plans to wipe out the heathen. When? Soon. Really soon. 30:3

352. God will punish Egypt and her allies by sending Nebuchadrezzar to "fill
the land with the slain." Then he will make "the rivers dry," sell the land to "the
wicked," make "the land waste," light fires, and kill all their young men with the
sword. 30:4-26

"And they shall know that I am the LORD, when I have set a fire in Egypt."
(The Divine Pyromaniac) 30:8, 30:14, 30:16

353. God will treat Pharaoh like a whale fished out of the sea. Every bird and
beast in the world will feed upon him. 32:3-6

354. Pharaoh and all his multitude, along with the uncircumcised, will be
killed with the sword. 32:20-32

355. Worshipping idols and other gods is "detestable." 37:23

356. God "will send a fire on Magog ... and the heathen shall know that I am
the Lord." 39:6-7

357. No stranger or uncircumcised person may enter the sanctuary. 44:9

358. Priests who sacrifice to idols will have God's hand against them and
"shall bear their iniquity." 44:10-12

Daniel

359. Nebuchadnezzar, after first trying to burn to death the three Hebrews,
now decrees that everyone who says anything against the Hebrew god "shall
be cut in pieces, and their houses shall be made a dunghill." 3:29

360. King Darius makes a decree, "that in every dominion of my kingdom
men tremble and fear before the God of Daniel." 6:26

361. "Neither shall he regard the God of his fathers, nor the desire of
women".
The antichrist is gay and Jewish! 11:37

Hosea

362. It's not clear in the KJV, but "people" and "strangers" are translated as
"aliens" and "foreigners" in other versions. This would mean part of the reason
for Ephraim's bloody fate is association with other races. 7:8-9
363. "Woe unto them! for they have fled from me: destruction unto them!"
7:13

364. For ignoring God "their princes shall fall by the sword." 7:16

365. Because the Samaritans chose to worship another deity, God will dash
their infants to pieces and their "women with child shall be ripped up." 13:16

Joel (None)

Amos

366. The divine pyromaniac threatens to "send fire unto" Hazael, Gaza,
Tyrus, Teman, Rabbah, Moab, and Judah. 1:4, 7, 10, 12, 14; 2:2, 5

367. God says there are three or four reasons for him to punish Moab. But he
only mentions one: "because he burned the bones of the king of Edom." So
God burned Moab because they burned some bones. 2:1

368. God will "slay all the princes" of Moab. 2:3

369. God destroyed the Amorites who were a race of giants as tall as cedars
and as strong as oaks. 2:9

370. God tells the Israelites to seek him or he'll kill 90% of them. 5:3-4

371. Seek God or he'll burn you to death. 5:6

372. God promises to destroy those who worship other gods. 7:9

373. God tells Amos that the end has come for the people of Israel. He won't
wait any longer to kill them all. 8:2

374. God will kill so many people that dead bodies will lay everywhere. 8:3-14

375. God will destroy the "the sinful kingdom" and "all the sinners" among his
people. 9:8-10

Obadiah

376. The Israelites hear "a rumor from the Lord" telling them to start a war
with the Edomites. 1, 8

377. God tells Israelites to "destroy the wise men out of Edom" and to
slaughter "everyone of the mount of Esau." 8-9

378. God will burn all the heathen to death, "for the LORD hath spoken it."
16-18

Jonah (None)
Micah

379. God will destroy Samaria with stones. 1:6

380. God will destroy the art and buildings of other religions. 1:7

381. God will strengthen the Israelites so they can "beat in pieces many
peoples" and give the booty to God. 4:13

382. "They shall waste the land of Assyria with the sword." 5:6

383. Like a young lion "the remnant of Jacob" will tear the Gentiles to pieces.
5:8

384. "Thine hand shall be lifted up upon thine adversaries, and all thine
enemies shall be cut off." 5:9

385. God will "cut off" the witches and soothsayers. 5:11-12

386. God will destroy entire cities, and "execute vengeance in anger and fury
upon the heathen such as they have not heard." 5:14-15

387. The Gentiles will be made deaf, shall lick dust and be forced to crawl
like worms from fear of God and his people. 7:16-17

Nahum

388. God doesn't just get even. He drowns his enemies. 1:8

Habakkuk

389. Habakkuk praises God for slaughtering "the heathen." 3:12

Zephaniah

390. God will "cut off" all those who "have not sought the Lord" or who
worship another god. 1:4-6

391. God "will punish the princes, and the king's children, and all such as are
clothed with strange apparel" or "leap on the threshold." 1:8-9

392. God doesn't have night-vision, so he needs candles when he comes to
punish the people that say, "The LORD will not do good, neither will he do
evil." 1:12

393. God will "bring distress upon men" so that they "walk like blind men." He
will pour out their blood like dust and "their flesh as dung." 1:17

394. God will kill all the inhabitants of the sea coast. 2:5
395. God will destroy Moab and Ammon just like he did to Sodom and
Gomorrah. 2:9

396. "And men shall worship him, every one from his place, even all the isles
of the heathen." 2:11

397. God will kill the Ethiopians with his own sword. 2:12

Haggai (None)

Zechariah

398. The Israelites are God's favorite people, "the apple of his eye." 2:8

399. "For I set all men every one against his neighbor." 8:10

400. God will cast out Tyrus and devour it with fire. 9:4

401. A prophet must be killed by his own parents by "thrusting him through
when he prophesieth." 13:3

402. God will "go forth and fight" for Jerusalem with "his feet" on the mount of
Olives. 14:3

403. God will make everyone fight and kill his neighbor. 14:13

404. Whoever survives all these plagues and slaughters must worship God.
14:16

405. God will "smite the heathen" with a plague. 14:18

Malachi

406. God hates the Edomites, and his hatred will last forever. 1:4

407. God will burn "the wicked" and the "righteous" will walk around on their
ashes. 4:1-3

Matthew

408. While insulting the Pharisees and Sadducees, John the Baptist calls an
entire generation a "generation of vipers." 3:7

409. Those who bear bad fruit will be cut down and burned "with
unquenchable fire." 3:10, 12

410. Jesus says that most people will go to hell. 7:13-14
411. Those who fail to bear "good fruit" will be "hewn down, and cast into the
fire." 7:19

412. "the children of the kingdom [the Jews] shall be cast out into outer
darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth." 8:12

413. Jesus tells his disciples to keep away from the Gentiles and Samaritans,
and go only to the Israelites. 10:5-6

414. Cities that neither "receive" the disciples nor "hear" their words will be
destroyed by God. It will be worse for them than for Sodom and Gomorrah.
And you know what God supposedly did to those poor folks (see Gen.19:24).
10:14-15

415. Families will be torn apart because of Jesus (this is one of the few
"prophecies" in the Bible that has actually come true). "Brother shall deliver up
the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up
against their parents, and cause them to be put to death." 10:21

416. "Whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my
Father which is in heaven." 10:33

417. Jesus says that he has come to destroy families by making family
members hate each other. He has "come not to send peace, but a sword."
10:34-36

418. Jesus condemns entire cities to dreadful deaths and to the eternal
torment of hell because they didn't care for his preaching. 11:20-24

419. "He that is not with me is against me." 12:30

420. "Whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven
him." 12:31-32

421. Jesus often called people names. One of his favorites was to call his
adversaries a "generation of vipers." 12:34

422. Jesus will send his angels to gather up "all that offend" and they "shall
cast them into a furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth."
13:41-42, 50

423. Jesus refuses to heal the Canaanite (Mk.7:26 says she was Greek)
woman's possessed daughter, saying "it is not meet to take the children's
bread, and to cast it to the dogs." 15:22-26

424. The ever-so-kind Jesus calls the Pharisees "hypocrites, wicked, and
adulterous." 15:2-3

425. In the parable of the marriage feast, the king sends his servants to
gather everyone they can find, both bad and good, to come to the wedding
feast. One guest didn't have on his wedding garment, so the king tied him up
and "cast him into the outer darkness" where "there shall be weeping and
gnashing of teeth." 22:12-13

426. Jesus condemns the Jews for being "the children of them which killed
the prophets." 23:31

427. Jesus blames his the Jews (who were then living) for "all the righteous
blood" from Abel to Zecharias, 23:35

428. The servant who kept and returned his master's talent was cast into the
"outer darkness" where there will be "weeping and gnashing of teeth." 25:30

429. Jesus tells us what he has planned for those that he dislikes. They will
be cast into an "everlasting fire." 25:41

430. "His blood be on us, and on our children." This verse blames the Jews
for the death of Jesus and has been used to justify their persecution for
twenty centuries. 27:25

Mark

431. Jesus becomes angry at those who said that he had "an unclean spirit,"
so he announces the unforgivable sin: "blasphemy against the Holy Ghost."
3:29

432. Any city that doesn't "receive" the followers of Jesus will be destroyed in
a manner even more savage than that of Sodom and Gomorrah. 6:11

433. Jesus initially refuses to cast out a devil from a Syrophoenician woman's
daughter, calling the woman a "dog". After much pleading, he finally agrees to
cast out the devil. 7:27

434. If you're ashamed of Jesus, he'll be ashamed of you. (And you'll go
straight to hell.) 8:38

435. Jesus says that those that believe and are baptized will be saved, while
those who don't will be damned. 16:16

Luke

436. Those who fail to bear "good fruit" will be "hewn down, and cast into the
fire." 3:9

437. John the Baptist says that Christ will burn the damned "with fire
unquenchable." 3:17

438. Jesus says that entire cities will be violently destroyed and the
inhabitants "thrust down to hell" for not "receiving" his disciples. 10:10-15
439. Jesus says, "He that is not with me is against me." 11:23

440. Those who "blaspheme against the Holy Ghost" will never be forgiven.
12:10

441. God is like a slave-owner who beats his slaves "with many stripes."
12:46-47

442. According to Jesus, only a few will be saved; the vast majority will suffer
eternally in hell where "there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth." 13:23-
30

443. Jesus also believes the story about Noah's flood and Sodom's
destruction. He says, "even thus shall it be in the day the son of man is
revealed ... Remember Lot's wife." This tells us about Jesus' knowledge of
science and history, and his sense of justice. 17:29-32

444. In the parable of the talents, Jesus says that God takes what is not
rightly his, and reaps what he didn't sow. The parable ends with the words:
"bring them [those who preferred not to be ruled by him] hither, and slay them
before me." 19:22-27

John

445. People are damned or saved depending only on what they believe. 3:18,
36

446. The "wrath of God" is on all unbelievers. 3:36

447. John, with his usual anti-Semitism, says that the Jews persecuted Jesus
and "sought to slay him." 5:16, 18

448. John says that Jesus "would not walk in Jewry, because the Jews
sought to kill him." 7:1

449. No one could speak openly about Jesus "for fear of the Jews." 7:13

450. If you don't believe in Jesus, you will "die in your sins" (and then go to
hell). 8:24

451. Jesus calls his opponents (the Jews) the sons of the devil. 8:44

452. Once again, "the Jews" are accused of trying to kill Jesus. 11:8

453. If you don't believe in Jesus you are going to hell. 12:48

454. Jesus is the only way to heaven. All other religions lead to hell. 14:6

455. John blames the Jews for the death of Jesus. 19:7, 12, 14-15
456. "He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth
me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father."
If you follow Jesus' teachings, God will love you -- otherwise... well, you
know. 14:21

457. Those who do not believe in Jesus will be cast into a fire to be burned.
15:6

458. Now that Jesus has come, non-believers have no excuse for not
believing in him. 15:22

459. John, with his usual anti-Semitism, says that the disciples hid in locked
room "for fear of the Jews." 20:19

Acts

460. Peter blames the Jews for the death of Jesus. 3:14-15

461. Peter claims that Dt.18:18-19 refers to Jesus, saying that those who
refuse to follow him (all non-Christians) must be killed. 3:23

462. God will torture forever those who don't know the password to heaven.
4:12

463. Once again, Peter accuses the Jews of murdering Jesus. 5:30

464. Stephen blames the Jews for persecuting the prophets and murdering
Jesus. 7:51-52

465. After Saul "increased the more in strength, and confounded the Jews,"
the "Jews took counsel to kill him." 9:22-23

466. The Jews are again blamed for the death of Jesus. 10:39

467. Herod kills James the brother of John and imprisons Peter "because he
saw it pleased the Jews." 12:1-3

468. The "angel of the Lord" killed Herod by having him "eaten of worms"
because "he gave not God the glory." 12:23

469. Paul and the Holy Ghost conspire together to make Elymas (the
sorcerer) blind. 13:8-11

470. The Jews of Antioch, after seeing Paul's success in preaching, were
envious and blasphemed God. Paul then declares them to be "unworthy of
everlasting life." 13:45-46

471. Once again "the Jews stirred up" trouble and "raised persecution against
Paul and Barnabas, and expelled them out of their coasts." 13:50
472. "The unbelieving Jews" stir up trouble again for Paul and incite the
people to try to stone him to death. 14:2-5

473. In Thessalonica, "the Jews which believed not, moved with envy" stir up
trouble for Paul and his friends. 17:5, 13

474. "And when they [the Jews of Corinth] opposed themselves, and
blasphemed, he [Paul] shook his raiment, and said unto them, Your blood be
upon your own heads." (Have a nice day?) 18:6

475. "The Jews made insurrection with one accord against Paul, and brought
him to the judgment seat." 18:12

476. The first Christian book burning occurs when Paul's converts at Ephesus
burn 50,000 silver pieces worth of books. 19:19

477. Poor Paul complains, once again, of being mistreated by "the Jews."
20:19

478. The Jews, once again, incite the people to kill poor old Paul 21:27, 31

479. The Jews form a grand conspiracy to kill Paul. They vow not to eat until
the job is done. 23:12-15

480. Claudius saves Paul from being killed by the Jews. 23:27

481. Those pesky Jews caught Paul and and tried to kill him. But he got
away. Darn! 26:21

Romans

482. "The wrath of God" is on all unbelievers. 1:18-20

483. The existence and nature of God are self-evident; thus, unbelievers are
"without excuse." 1:20

484. Atheists have dark and foolish hearts. 1:21

485. God abandons those who don't know him to "uncleanness and vile
affections." 1:24, 26, 28

486. With his usual intolerance, Paul condemns homosexuals (including
lesbians). This is the only clear reference to lesbians in the Bible. 1:26-28

487. Homosexuals (those "without natural affection") and their supporters
(those "that have pleasure in them") are "worthy of death." 1:31-32

488. Paul says that those who accuse him of lying deserve damnation. 3:8

489. "He that doubteth is damned ... Whosoever is not of faith is sin." 14:23
490. Shun those who disagree with your religious views. 16:17

1 Corinthians

491. Christians can judge everything and everybody, but no non-Christian
can judge them. 2:15

492. "Put away from among yourselves that wicked person."
Stay away from "fornicators", "idolaters", and "drunkards". Do not
associate, speak to, or eat dinner with such "wicked" people. 5:9-13

493. "Do ye not know that the saints shall judge the world?" 6:2

494. Paul lists ten things that will keep you out of heaven, including
homosexuality and being "effeminate." 6:9-10

495. Don't be an idolater. If you become one, God will make you sit down to
eat and then rise up to play. 10:7

496. Paul claims that God killed 23,000 in a plague for "committing
whoredom with the daughters of Moab 10:8

497. Gentiles sacrifice to devils. If you have gentile friends, then you are
friends with devils. 10:20

498. Those who don't love Jesus are to be "anathema" (damned). 16:22

2 Corinthians

499. All non-Christians are blind. They were blinded by God to prevent them
from seeing the truth. 3:14-16

500. "The god of this world" has blinded the minds of nonbelievers. 4:3-4

501. Keep away from unbelievers. Neither marry nor be friends with them.
6:14-17

502. Christians cannot be freethinkers, since all their thoughts and
imaginings must be brought into captivity in obedience to Christ. 10:5

503. Paul says he "will not spare" when he comes back to punish those who
have sinned. 13:2

504. Are you a reprobate? Here's the test: if you know for sure that Jesus is
in you, you're not a reprobate. Otherwise you are. 13:5

Galatians
505. If anyone dares to disagree with Paul on religious matters, "let him be
accursed." 1:8-9

506. Those who try to follow the law are cursed 3:10

507. "I would they were even cut off which trouble you." Gosh, that doesn't
sound very nice. But I wonder what Paul meant by "cut off". The New Revised
Standard Version translates this verse as: "I wish those who unsettle you
would castrate themselves!" 5:12

508. Witches, idol worshippers, and heretics will not go to heaven. (Guess
where they'll be going.) 5:20-21

Ephesians

509. No "unclean person" or "idolater" will inherit the kingdom of God. (They'll
all be going to hell.) Don't associate with them. 5:5-7

510. Those who refuse to obey will face the wrath of God. 5:6

Philippians

511. Everyone will have to worship Jesus -- whether they want to or not.
2:10-11

512. "Beware of dogs ... beware of the concision." I'm not sure who Paul is
calling "dogs" here, but it's probably the Jews -- those of "the circumcision," as
opposed to Christians, who are of the "true circumcision." 3:2

Colossians (None)

1 Thessalonians

513. God is planning a messy, mass murder in "the wrath to come" and only
Jesus can save you from it. 1:10

514. Paul accuses "the Jews" of killing Jesus, persecuting the prophets,
displeasing God, and being "contrary to all men." He concludes that the wrath
of God will "come upon them to the uttermost. 2:15-16

2 Thessalonians

515. Jesus will take "vengeance on them that know not God" by burning them
forever "in flaming fire." 1:7-9

516. God will cause us to believe lies so that he can damn our souls to hell.
2:11-12

517. Shun those who disagree with your interpretation of this epistle. 3:6, 14
1 Timothy

518. "Hymenaeus and Alexander; whom I have delivered unto Satan, that
they may learn not to blaspheme." Apparently (see 2 Tim.2:16-18 and 4:14-
15) their "blasphemy" was disagreeing with Paul. 1:20

519. Stay away from those who discuss important matters -- especially if they
disagree with Paul. 6:5

520. Paul instructs Timothy to avoid science, especially that which disagrees
with him ("science falsely so called"). Other versions translate this phrase as
"false knowledge", which may be more correct. However many fundamentalist
Christians still use this verse ("science falsely so called") to justify their
rejection of any idea, scientific or otherwise, they believe contradicts the bible.
6:20

2 Timothy

521. "If we deny him [Jesus], he will deny us." Fair is fair! 2:12

522. Shun non-believers and other profane babblers. 2:16

523. Hymenaeus and Philetus are condemned for disagreeing with Paul
about the timing of the resurrection. (See 1 Tim.1:20 and 2 Tim.4:14-15) 2:17-
18

524. "The Lord knoweth them that are his." This verse was used by the
Catholic Church during the inquisition to justify killing those suspected of
heresy. (Kill them all, for `the Lord knows them that are His'." ) 2:19

525. God will "reward" Alexander for the "blasphemy" of disagreeing with
Paul. (See 1 Tim.1:20 and 2 Tim.2:16-18) 4:14

Titus

526. Jews are unruly liars "whose mouths must be stopped." 1:10-11

527. The people of Crete are "always liars, evil beasts, slow bellies." 1:12

528. Heretics are to be rejected since they are subverted, sinners, and
condemned by God. 3:10-11

Philemon (None)

Hebrews

529. Every skeptic and nonbeliever has "an evil heart of unbelief." 3:12

530. It is impossible for fallen-away Christians to be saved. (Didn't the author
know about confession or the finality of being saved?) 6:4-6
531. Those who disobeyed the Old Testament law were killed. It will be much
worse for those who displease Jesus. 10:28-29

532. If you're not a Christian, it's impossible to please God. 11:6

533. God saved Rahab because she believed. (He killed all the non-believers
in Jericho.) 11:31

James

534. Whoever is a friend of the world is an enemy of God. 4:4

1 Peter

535. Things may get rough for Christians, but it will really be hell for
nonbelievers. 4:17-18

2 Peter

536. The basic message of Christianity is "believe or be damned" and from
this flows intolerance toward all non-Christians. But, as these verses show,
Christian intolerance is often directed toward believers as well. Each group of
Christians accuses the others of being "false teachers" of "damnable
heresies" who will soon be damned to hell. 2:1-3

537. God drowned everyone else on earth except for Noah and his family.
2:5, 3:6

538. God knows how to punish those that "despise government." 2:9-10

539. God will set the entire earth on fire so that he can burn non-believers to
death. 3:7

1 John

540. "Love not the world." 2:15

541. Every non-Christian is liar and an antichrist. 2:22, 4:2-3

542. Christians are alive; non-Christians are dead. 5:12

543. Christians are "of God;" everyone else is wicked. 5:19

2 John

544. Non-Christians are deceivers and antichrists. 7

545. "Whosoever ... abideth not in the doctrine of Christ, hath not God." 9
546. Don't associate with non-Christians. Don't receive them into your house
or even exchange greeting with them. 10

3 John (None)

Jude

547. God destroys non-believers. 1:5

Revelation

548. False Jews are members of "the synagogue of Satan." 2:9

549. Those who obey God/Jesus until the end will rule everyone else with an
iron rod. They'll even get to smash the others into smithereens. 2:26-27

550. God will make "the synagogue of Satan [that would be the Jews] ...
come and worship before thy feet." (Whose feet? Well, the feet of Christians,
of course!) 3:9

551. The martyrs just can't wait until everyone else is slaughtered. God gives
them a white robe and tells them to wait until he's done with his killing spree.
6:10-11

552. 144,000 Jews will be going to heaven; everyone else is going to hell. 7:4

553. The angels are instructed not to "hurt the grass [how could they? He
already had all the grass killed in 8:7] ... but only those men which have not
the seal of God on their foreheads." God tells his angels not to kill them, but
rather torment them with scorpions for five months. Those tormented will want
to die, but God won't let them. 9:4-6

554. Only 144,000 celibate men will be saved. (Those who were not "defiled
with women.") 14:1-4

555. Those who receive the mark of the beast will "drink of the wine of the
wrath of God ... and shall be tormented with fire and brimstone ... and the
smoke of their torment ascendeth up for ever and ever." 14:10-11

556. Whoever isn't found listed in the book of life will be cast into the lake of
fire. 20:15

557. All liars, as well as sorcerers, idolaters, and those who are fearful or
unbelieving, will be cast into "the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone."
21:8

558. "Dogs [homosexuals?], sorcerers, whoremongers, idolaters" and along
with anyone who ever told a lie will not enter the heavenly city. 22:15
Contradictions in the Bible
Is salvation by faith alone?

Some believers ... alter the original text of the gospel ... to enable them to
deny difficulties in the face of criticism. -- Celsus, Against Celsus, 2, 27

1. How many men did the chief of David's captains kill?

2. Was Abraham justified by faith or by works?

3. How many sons did Abraham have?

4. Was Abiathar the father or the son of Ahimelech?

5. Who was Abijam's mother?

6. How were Abijam and Asa related?

7. How long was the ark of the covenant at Abinadab's house?

8. How old was Abram when Ishmael was born?

9. How many sons did Absalom have?

10. When did Absalom rebel against David?

11. The two contradictory creation accounts.

12. Who was Achan's father?

13. How many of Adin's offspring returned from Babylon?

14. How many of Adonikam's offspring returned from Babylon?

15. How should adultery be punished?

16. Is it wrong to commit adultery?

17. Was Ahaz buried with his fathers?

18. When did Ahaziah begin to reign?

19. How old was Ahaziah when he began to reign?

20. Did the city of Ai exist after Joshua destroyed it?

21. What tribe was Aijalon from?

22. Does God want some to go to hell?
23. Did Jesus tell his disciples everything?

24. Was David alone when asking for the holy bread at Nob?

25. Who was Amasa's father?

26. How should the Ammonites be treated?

27. Who was Anah?

28. How long does God's anger last?

29. Should you answer a fool according to his folly?

30. What were the names of the apostles?

31. Where did Jesus first appear to the eleven disciples after the
resurrection?

32. How many of Arah's offspring returned from Babylon?

33. What was in the ark of the covenant?

34. Was Asa perfect?

35. Did Asa remove the high places?

36. How many of Asaph's offspring returned from Babylon?

37. When did Jesus ascend into heaven?

38. Did Peter ask Jesus where he was going?

39. On what did Jesus ride into Jerusalem?

40. Is the day of the Lord at hand?

41. How many of Azgad's offspring returned from Babylon?

42. When did Baasha die?

43. How many languages were there before the Tower of Babel was built?

44. How many of Bani's offspring returned from Babylon?

45. In whose name is baptism to be performed?

46. Did Jesus baptize anyone?
47. Did Jesus tell his apostles to go barefoot and without a staff?

48. Who was to blame for original sin?

49. Who was Bashemath's father?

50. What was the volume of the molten sea in Solomon's temple?

51. How many of Bebai's offspring returned from Babylon?

52. Who named Beersheba?

53. Where did Joseph and Mary live before the birth of Jesus?

54. Should we believe everything?

55. How many believers were there at the time of the ascension?

56. How old was Benjamin when his clan migrated to Egypt?

57. Who were the sons of Benjamin?

58. Were Naaman and Ard the sons or the grandsons of Benjamin?

59. Who asked Jesus for the best seats in heaven?

60. How many of Bethlehem and Netophah's offspring returned from
Babylon?

61. How many of Bezai's offspring returned from Babylon?

62. How many of Bigvai's offspring returned from Babylon?

63. Who makes people deaf and blind?

64. How many blind men were healed near Jericho?

65. Does the blood of animal sacrifices take away sin?

66. Should every man bear his own burden?

67. Who buried Jesus?

68. On what day did the temple burn?

69. Did God command the Israelites to make him burnt offerings?

70. Who appeared to Moses in the burning bush?

71. What became of Cain?
72. Was Jesus taken to Caiaphas or Annas first?

73. Will those who call on the Lord be delivered?

74. Can God do anything?

75. How long was the Egyptian Captivity?

76. Did the Centurion ask Jesus directly to help his servant?

77. What did the Centurion call Jesus when he died?

78. How high was the chapiter?

79. How many men did David kill?

80. Is childbearing sinful?

81. Is it a a good thing to be childish?

82. How did Jesus respond when questioned by the high priest?

83. Is circumcision required?

84. To whom were the cities of Exhtaol and Zoreah given?

85. Did the cock crow before or after Peter's denial?

86. What color was Jesus' robe?

87. Did Jesus forewarn the apostles of his death and resurrection?

88. Is God the author of confusion?

89. Is it OK to covet?

90. Did Jesus say before the cock crow or before the cock crow twice?

91. Did Jesus ask God to save him from crucifixion?

92. Is it OK to curse people?

93. Will God curse the earth?

94. Are those who obey the law cursed?

95. Who carried Jesus' cross?

96. Generations from David to the Babylonian Captivity
97. How did David kill Goliath?

98. The sons of David born in Hebron

99. Did David sin?

100. Which sons of David born in Jerusalem?

101. From which of David's sons was Jesus descended?

102. When did the women (or woman) arrive at the sepulchre?

103. Did Adam die on the day he ate from the tree of the knowledge of good
and evil?

104. Is death final?

105. How many of Delaiah, Tobiah, and Nekoda's offspring returned from
Babylon?

106. To whom did Peter deny knowing Jesus?

107. Who destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah?

108. Can the devil capture us at will?

109. Is the devil free to roam?

110. Who can cast out devils in the name of Jesus?

111. Does God desire animal sacrifices?

112. Must everyone die?

113. Is divorce ever permissible?

114. Does anyone do anything good?

115. Who put the robe on Jesus?

116. Did Jesus drink on the cross?

117. When did the earth dry after the flood?

118. Does God dwell in darkness or in light?

119. Will the earth last forever?

120. What kind of animals may we eat?
121. How should the Edomites be treated?

122. Did Lot's daughters think God had killed every man?

123. Did Luke include everything that Jesus did?

124. Did Jesus, Mary, and Joseph go to Egypt or Nazareth?

125. Did the eleven disciples believe the two men?

126. Who did Elhanan kill?

127. Was John the Baptist Elijah?

128. When will the end of the world come?

129. How should we treat our enemies?

130. Has anyone ever ascended into heaven?

131. Was Enoch the sixth or the seventh from Adam?

132. Will Ephraim return to Egypt?

133. When was Eve created?

134. Is everyone descended from Adam and Eve?

135. Is God the creator of evil?

136. Do evildoers prosper?

137. Did Moses see God face to face?

138. Is Salvation by faith alone?

139. Is it possible to fall from grace?

140. How many years of famine?

141. Is is OK to call your father (or anyone else) father?

142. Did Moses fear the king?

143. Should we look for signs in the heavens?

144. Should we fear God?

145. Who bought the potter's field?
146. When did the cursed fig tree die?

147. When did Jesus curse the fig tree?

148. Was Jesus the first to rise from the dead?

149. To whom did Jesus make his first post-resurrection appearance?

150. How long was the ark afloat?

151. How long did the flood last?

152. Did everyone (except for Noah and his family) die in the flood?

153. Will the righteous flourish?

154. Which flying creeping things may we eat?

155. Is it OK to call someone a fool?

156. Is it good to be foolish?

157. How many generations from Jesus to Abraham?

158. Can God be found?

159. From what were the fowls created?

160. Do humans have free will?

161. Were the disciples frightened or gladdened when they saw Jesus?

162. Does God ever get furious?

163. Genealogy of Jesus (Mt.1 vs Lk.3)

164. Genealogy of Jesus (Mt.1 vs 1 Chr.)

165. When was the Holy Ghost given?

166. Does God ever lie?

167. Does God love everyone?

168. Does God know what is everyone's heart?

169. How many gods are there?

170. How much gold, silver, and clothing did the people give?
171. Who killed Goliath?

172. Is anyone good?

173. Who was greater: Jesus, Solomon, or John the Baptist?

174. Is it OK for men to have long hair?

175. Is it good to be happy?

176. Was Mary Magdalene happy or sad when she saw the risen Jesus?

177. Who hardened the Pharaoh's heart?

178. Should we follow our own heart?

179. When was heaven created?

180. Does God help in times of need?

181. How many talents of gold did Hiram send Solomon?

182. Is only God holy?

183. Who sent the Holy Ghost?

184. How should homosexuals be treated?

185. Where did Aaron die?

186. How many horsemen did David take?

187. At what time of day was Jesus crucified?

188. Does God approve of human sacrifices?

189. Were humans created before or after the other animals?

190. Which tribe was Hyram from?

191. Was Zechariah Iddo's son or grandson?

192. Is it OK to make images?

193. Which came first: the calling of Peter and Andrew or the imprisonment of
John the Baptist?

194. Is incest forbidden?
195. Are we punished for the sins of others?

196. Did Saul inquire of the Lord?

197. Were the men or angels inside or outside the tomb when the women
arrived?

198. Can God stop iron chariots?

199. How old was Ishmael when he was abandoned by Abraham?

200. Who bought the sepulchre in Sechem from the sons of Hamor?

201. Where was Jacob buried?

202. How many were in Jacob's family when they came into Egypt?

203. Was Jarius' daughter alive when Jesus was approached?

204. Did Jeconiah have any sons?

205. Was Jechoniah the son or the grandson of Josiah?

206. When did Jehoash become king of Israel?

207. How old was Jehoachin when he began to reign?

208. Who succeeded Jehoiakim as king?

209. Did Jehoiakim die in Babylon or near Jerusalem?

210. Did Jehoshaphat remove the high places?

211. Did Abraham know God's name?

212. Was Jehu the son or grandson of Nimshi?

213. When was the man (or men) healed?

214. Did Paul go to Jerusalem from Damascus immediately after his
conversion?

215. How many sons did Jesse have?

216. When was Jesus born?

217. Was Joseph the father of Jesus?

218. Did Jesus know everything?
219. Did Jesus bear witness of himself?

220. What will happen to Jews when they die?

221. Will there be many Jews?

222. Did God commend or condemn Jehu for the killings at Jezreel?

223. Where was Joash buried?

224. Who brought evil on Job?

225. Who cast Jonah into the sea?

226. Where did John baptize?

227. Who was Jesus' grandfather on his father's side?

228. Where did Josiah die?

229. How did King Josiah die?

230. How long did Jotham reign?

231. How did Judas die?

232. Did Judas identify Jesus with a kiss?

233. To judge or not to judge.

234. Does Jesus judge people?

235. Has there ever been a just person?

236. Is anyone justified?

237. Was Keturah Abraham's wife or concubine?

238. To kill or not to kill.

239. Who was the father of Kish?

240. Does God know and see everything?

241. Who was Korah's father?

242. Who was Laban's father?

243. What were the last words of Jesus?
244. Should we obey human or divine law?

245. When did God kill Leviathan and the sea dragon?

246. Is it wrong to lie?

247. What is the human lifespan?

248. How many of Lod, Hadid, and Ono's offspring returned from Babylon?

249. Should we love or hate our brother?

250. Was Mahli the son of Levi?

251. Will everyone see the majesty of God?

252. Did Elisha receive Elijah's mantle before or after Elijah is taken up into
heaven?

253. Is marriage a good thing?

254. Should Christians be concerned with material things?

255. Was Moses meek?

256. Is God merciful?

257. How many children did Michal have?

258. Did the Israelites kill every male in Midian?

259. How many people did God kill for "committing whoredom with the
daughters of Moab"?

260. How did God say the Moabites should be treated?

261. Did any Moabite enter the congregation of the Lord?

262. Is money good or bad?

263. Who was Moses' father-in-law?

264. What's new?

265. What is the correct new moon sacrifice?

266. If God likes you, will everyone else like you too?

267. When did Noah enter the ark?
268. How should nonbelievers be treated?

269. Is it OK to take oaths?

270. Are those who believe Jesus is the Christ of God?

271. How many officers did Solomon have?

272. How old was Abraham when he left Haran?

273. Was the tomb opened or closed when the women arrived?

274. Do Christians need to obey Old Testament laws?

275. How many overseers did Solomon have?

276. How many of Pahathmoab, Jeshua, and Joab's offspring returned from
Babylon?

277. How should parents be treated?

278. How many days is unleavened bread to be eaten during the passover?

279. Was Jesus crucified the day before or the day after the Passover meal?

280. Did Paul see Jesus on the road to Damascus?

281. Did Paul visit all of the disciples when he went to Jerusalem after his
conversion?

282. Is God warlike or peaceful?

283. Is the law of God perfect?

284. Who wrote the Pentateuch?

285. Were the Pharisees baptized by John?

286. Can women be church leaders?

287. How high were the pillars?

288. Were plants created before or after humans?

289. Should we try to please others?

290. How many children of the porters returned from Babylon?

291. How many men were possessed with devils?
292. What did Jesus do after his baptism?

293. How much power did Jesus have?

294. Do Christians know how to pray?

295. When David fled to Nob, what was the priest's name?

296. On what day of the month was Jehoiachin released from prison?

297. Should Christians pray in public?

298. Is every word of God pure?

299. Was Rahab saved by faith or works?

300. Who raised Jesus from the dead?

301. Was Jesus a ransom for many or for all?

302. Can God be found through reason alone?

303. Did Mary Magdalene recognize Jesus when he first appeared to her?

304. Should we rejoice when we see our enemies suffer?

305. Is it OK for a divorced woman to remarry?

306. Does God repent?

307. Does God respect anyone?

308. Did both thieves revile Jesus?

309. Is wealth a sign of righteousness or of wickedness?

310. Has there ever been a righteous person?

311. Does righteousness come from following the Law?

312. Is it necessary to keep the sabbath?

313. How should Sabbath-breakers be punished?

314. Who may offer sacrifices to God?

315. Who was the father of Salah?

316. Did the Samaritans receive Jesus?
317. Should the gospel be preached to everyone?

318. Who was Samuel's firstborn son?

319. Was Samuel a Ephraimite or a Levite?

320. Did Sarah have faith that she would conceive?

321. When did Satan enter Judas?

322. How did Saul die?

323. Did Saul's family die with him?

324. When did David meet Saul?

325. What must you do to be saved?

326. Were the Israelites to spare the trees in the countries they invaded?

327. Was Sisera asleep when he was murdered?

328. Is all scripture inspired by God?

329. Should we let others see our good works?

330. Can God be seen ?

331. How many of Senaah's offspring returned from Babylon?

332. Should you serve God alone?

333. What is the earth set upon?

334. How should a man who has sex with a menstruating woman be
punished?

335. Do bad things happen to good people?

336. What did the sign over Jesus' head say?

337. Did Jesus perform many signs and wonders?

338. Do Christians sin?

339. Where did Moses receive the Ten Commandments?

340. How many singing men and women returned from Babylon?

341. Were the men or angels inside the tomb sitting or standing?
342. What was Jesus' sixth commandment?

343. Does God sleep?

344. How many soldiers?

345. Who brought Joseph into Egypt?

346. How many sons did God have?

347. Was Jesus silent during his trial before Pilate?

348. Does God have a body?

349. How many stalls did Solomon have?

350. When were the stars made?

351. Is it wrong to steal?

352. How should strangers be treated?

353. Is Jesus peaceful ?

354. Where did Jesus tell his disciples to go after his resurrection?

355. Did the women immediately tell the disciples?

356. Did Jesus say, "Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up"?

357. Can God be tempted?

358. Who tempted David to number Israel?

359. Has God ever tempted anyone?

360. Is it OK to test (or tempt) God?

361. Can theives go to heaven?

362. How did God address Jesus at his baptism?

363. For How much did David by the threshing floor?

364. Was it OK to touch the risen Jesus before his ascension?

365. When when did the transfiguration occur?

366. May Adam eat from any tree?
367. What were the twelve tribes of Israel?

368. How many animals of each kind did Noah take into the ark?

369. Is there an unforgivable sin?

370. Is it OK to marry unbelievers?

371. Where did God kill Uzza?

372. What did the soldiers give Jesus to drink?

373. Did the men with Paul hear the voice?

374. Where did Moses get water from a rock?

375. Does God ever tire?

376. Was Jonah swallowed by a fish or a whale?

377. Who made the arc of the covenant?

378. Who wrote the (second set of) ten commandments?

379. Does God destroy both the righteous and the wicked?

380. Do the wicked live long?

381. Is God's will always done in heaven?

382. Is wisdom a good thing?

383. Does wisdom make people happy?

384. How many men were in the king's presence?

385. Who is for or against Jesus?

386. Who did the women see at the tomb?

387. How many women came to the sepulchre?

388. Where did the women watching the crucifixion stand?

389. Can only God work wonders?

390. How are people judged by God?

391. How many of Zattu's offspring returned from Babylon?
392. Who was Zechariah's father?

393. How was Zedekiah related to Nebuchadnezzar?

394. Did Zedekiah see the king of Babylon?

395. Who was Zerubbabel's father?

396. Where does God dwell?
Interpretations and Textual Problems
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says: He is always
convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw

Genesis

1. "In the beginning" 1:1
When was the universe created?

2. "In the beginning" 1:1-2
The Gap Theory

3. "Let the earth bring forth grass ... living creatures." 1:11, 1:24
Does the Bible teach evolution?

4. "Let them be for signs." 1:14
Does the Bible condemn astrology?

5. "And God made the beast of the earth." 1:25
The Christian Identity and Aryan Nations folks say that "beast of the earth"
and "beast of the field" refer to all non-human animals and non-white humans.
They consider all people of color to be without a soul and on the same level
as animals, such as cattle, fish, and birds.

6. God gave humans dominion over every other living thing on earth. 1:26

7. "And God said, Let us make man in our image ... male and female" 1:26-
27
Is God both male and female?

8. "God created man." 1:27
When was Adam created?

9. One way of dealing with the two contradictory creation accounts is to say
that the reason there are two different stories is that there were two different
creations. This has been a common interpretation historically, and it is still
found taday. Pre-Adamites 1:27

10. "Be fruitful and multiply." 1:28
This verse is used to justify Christian opposition to birth control, concern
for the environment, and animal rights. The earth was made for humans, and
they can do as they damn well please with it.

11. "I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all
the earth."
Is it okay to smoke marijuana?

12. "To tend and keep it"
Some believers claim that this verse requires them to be
environmentalists. 2:15

13. When will Armageddon occur? 2:22

14. Is polygamy OK? 2:24, 4:19, 16:3, 25:1, 25:6, 26:34, 28:9, 31:17, 32:22

15. In Christian Identity theology, the serpent is a black male ("beast of the
field"), possessed by the devil, who seduced Eve. Cain is the child that is born
from this union, the evil son of the devil and the first Jew. All Jews are
descended from Cain. 3:1

16. "I will put enmity ... between thy seed and her seed." 3:15
The Two Seed Theory

17. "And the LORD set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill
him." 4:15
"Whoso sheddeth man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed." 9:6
Does God approve of capital punishment?

18. "And the LORD set a mark upon Cain." 4:15
The mark of Cain and Racism

19. "And Cain knew his wife." 4:17

20. Do angels have sex? 6:2, 4, 19:1-4

21. Who were the sons of God? 6:2

22. "He sent forth a raven." 8:7

23. "But ... the blood thereof, shall ye not eat." 9:4
Blood Transfusions

24. "And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had
done unto him." 9:24
What did Ham do? Did he just look at his naked father or was there
something more to it than that? Some commentators have suggested that
Ham committed homosexual rape on his drunken father, and that this was
why Ham's descendants were eternally punished with slavery.

25. Does God approve of slavery? 9:25-27, 16:8-9, 17:12-13, 17:24, 17:27,
24:35-36, 26:13-14

26. "Nimrod ... a mighty hunter before the Lord" 10:8-10

27. "Peleg; for in his days was the earth divided." 10:25
Some creationists believe that this verse refers to continental drift, which,
they say, began to occur during the days of Pelag (which means "division"),
about 100 or so years after the flood. But many other creationists disagree.
28. "Terah ... begat Abraham."
Who was Abraham's father? Azar or Terah (Quran 6:74)? Which is right,
the Bible or the Quran? 11:26

29. Say, I pray thee, thouart my sister."
In the LDS Book of Abraham the same silly story is told, but it is God, not
Abraham, who concocts the lie. 12:13

30. The Theocratic War Strategy 12:13, 20:2, 26:7

31. What was Sodom's sin? 19:4-5

32. "And Sarah saw the son of Hagar the Egyptian, which she had born unto
Abraham, mocking."
What did Sarah see? 21:9

33. "God gave thee ... plenty of ... wine."
Is it OK to drink alcohol? 27:28

34. According to the Apocryphal/Deuterocanonical book of Judith, God not
only approved of the violence in Genesis 34, but he gave Simeon the sword
that he used to kill all the males in the city. 34:1-31

35. "Pharaoh's birthday"
What about birthdays? 40:20

Exodus

36. Is magic OK? 4:2-6, 22:18

37. Does God approve of slavery? 12:44, 20:17, 21:2-6, 21:7, 21:16, 21:20-
21, 21:26-27, 21:32, 22:2-3

38. "If he take him another wife...."
Is polygamy OK? 21:10

39. Does God approve of capital punishment? 21:15-17, 22:18, 31:14-15,
35:2

40. Is dancing a sin? 15:21-21, 32:19-21, 31

41. "Thou shalt have no other gods before me."
Saluting the Flag 20:3-5

Leviticus

42. "No soul of you shall eat blood."
Blood Transfusions 17:10-14
43. Does God approve of slavery? 19:13, 19:18, 19:20, 19:33-34, 22:11,
25:10, 25:17, 25:39, 25:44-46

44. "Neither shall ye use enchantment."
Is magic OK? 19:26, 31

45. Ye shall not ... observe times."
Does the bible condemn astrology? 19:26

46. Does God approve of capital punishment? 20:9-16, 24:16

47. "If a man lie with a beast" 20:15-16

48. According to God, babies (or fetuses) less than one month old are worth
nothing at all. (So I guess the God approves of abortion.) 27:6

Numbers

49. When "Moses numbered them according to the word of the Lord" he was
told to count "every male from a month old and upward." Women and girls
didn't count as persons. Neither did babies (or fetuses) under 1 month old. I
guess the unborn just don't count to God. 3:15-16

50. Is magic OK? 5:27, 21:8-9

51. "He shall separate himself from wine and strong drink."
Is it OK to drink alcohol? 6:3

52. Korah, Dathan, Abiram, and On, the first freethought martyrs, refused to
follow Moses blindly, saying that everyone is holy and should be free to think
for him or herself. God killed them and their families for daring to challenge
Moses. 16:1-35

53. "The Book of the wars of the Lord"
One of the lost books of the Bible 21:14

54. Is it OK to gamble? 26:52-56

55. The first women to demand their property rights. 27:1-7

Deuteronomy

56. Does God approve of slavery? 5:21, 15:9, 15:12, 20:10-11, 20:14, 23:15-
16, 24:7, 24:14-15

57. "If a man have two wives, one beloved, and another hated...."
Is polygamy OK? 21:15

58. Is magic OK? 18:10-11
59. Does the bible condemn astrology? 18:10-12

60. Who is the prophesied prophet? Jesus or Muhammad? 18:18-19

61. Jehovah's Witnesses use this verse (along with 1 Tim.5:19 and Mt.18:16)
to justify their refusal to report or investigate incidents of child molestation
unless two or three JWs have witnessed the event. If witnesses do not come
forward (and they are discouraged from doing so since it would embarrass the
organization), then the victim is told to be quiet about it -- or risk being
disfellowshipped. 19:15

62. "Ye shall stone them with stones that they die."
Does God approve of capital punishment? 22:13-24

63. "The LORD shall blot out his name from under heaven."
Does hell exist? 29:20

64. The JWs believe that Jesus is "a god" who was with Jehovah during the
creation. But how could that be if God was speaking truthfully in this verse
when he said, "there are no gods with me"? 32:39

65. "And there arose not a prophet since in Israel like unto Moses."
Who was the greatest prophet? 34:10

Joshua

66. "Ye are cursed, and there shall none of you be freed."
Does God approve of slavery? 9:23

67. "Is not this written in the book of Jasher?" 10:13

68. Does the bible condemn gambling? 14:2, 18:6, 19:51, 21:8

Judges

69. "The stars in their courses fought against Sisera."
Does the bible condemn astrology? 5:20

70. "And Gideon had threescore and ten sons of his body begotten: for he
had many wives."
Is polygamy OK? 8:30

71. "Wine, which cheereth God and man."
Is it OK to drink alcohol? 9:13

72. "His daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances."
Is dancing a sin? 11:34

73. "Drink not wine nor strong drink."
Is it OK to drink alcohol? 13:4
Ruth (None)

1 Samuel

74. "He [Samuel's father] had two wives."
Is polygamy OK? 1:1-2

75. "Then Samuel told the people the manner of the kingdom, and wrote it in
a book."
(Another lost book of the Bible.) 10:25

76. "Let him [David] not ... be an adversary [Hebrew: a Satan] to us."
David is called "a Satan" to the Philistines. 29:4

2 Samuel

77. "Behold, it is written in the book of Jasher." 1:18

78. "And David danced before the LORD."
Is dancing a sin? 6:14

79. "Thus saith the Lord God of Israel ... I gave thee ... thy master's wives."
Is polygamy OK? 12:7-8

1 Kings

80. "He [Solomon] spake three thousand proverbs: and his songs were a
thousand and five."
(I think that beats Willie Nelson.) 4:32

81. "And he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred
concubines."
Is polygamy OK? 11:2-3

82. "Are they not written in the book of the acts of Solomon?" 11:14

83. "Behold, they are written in the chronicles of the kings of Israel" 14:19,
16:20

84. "Are they not written in the chronicles of the kings of Judah?" 14:29

2 Kings

85. Is magic OK? 18:3-4, 21:6

86. The only college mentioned in the Bible. 22:14

1 Chronicles
87. Some creationists believe that this verse (and Gen.10:25) refers to
continental drift, which, they say, began to occur during the days of Pelag
(which means "division"), about 100 or so years after the flood. 1:19

88. "Ashur ... had two wives."
Is polygamy OK? 4:5

89. Does the bible condemn gambling? 26:13-14

90. "So David waxed greater and greater: for the LORD of hosts was with
him."
David, a man after God's own heart (WWDD?) 11:9

91. "The Chronicles of king David" 27:24

92. "They are written in the book of Samuel the seer, and in the book of
Nathan the prophet, and in the book of Gad the seer." 29:29

2 Chronicles

93. Jehovah's Witnesses used to believe that God lives on the planet
Alcyone in the Pleiades cluster. The only biblical justification for this was this
verse and Job 38:31. 6:21

94. "Are they not written in the book of Nathan the prophet, and in the
prophecy of Ahijah the Shilonite, and in the visions of Iddo the seer?" 9:29

95. Is polygamy OK? 11:21, 13:21, 24:3

96. "Are they written in the book of Shemaiah the prophet, and of Iddo the
seer?" 12:15

97. "The story of the prophet Iddo" 13:22

98. "Lo, they are written in the book of the kings of Judah and Israel." 16:11,
27:7, 32:32, 35:27

99. "Behold, they are written in the book of Jehu." 20:34

100. "Behold, they are written in the story of the book of the kings." 24:27

101. "The Acts of Uzziah" 26:22

102. "Behold, they are written in the vision of Isaiah the prophet ... and in the
book of the kings of Judah and Israel." 32:32

103. "Behold, they are written in the book of the kings of Israel." 33:18

104. "Behold, they are written among the saying of the seers." 33:19
105. "Behold, they are written in the lamentations." 35:25

Ezra (None)

Nehemiah

106. Does the bible condemn gambling? 10:34

Esther

107. "It was written in the book of the chronicles before the king." 2:23

Job

108. "Canst thou bind the sweet influences of Pleiades?"
Does God live on the planet Alcyone in the Pleiades cluster? 38:31

Psalms

109. Does hell exist? 1:4-6, 34:16, 37:1-2, 37:20, 69:28

110. "Let us cut them off from being a nation; that the name of Israel may be
no more in remembrance."
Recently an ancient Psalter was found which was reported to have been
open to Psalm 83. Of course, to the Left Behind folks it's just one more sure
sign that the end is near. But the Psalter was actually opened to Psalm 84
(Psalm 83 in the Latin Vulgate Bible). 83:4

111. "Wine that maketh glad the heart of man."
Is it OK to drink alcohol? 104:15

112. Is dancing a sin? 30:11, 149:3, 150:4

Proverbs

113. Does hell exist? 10:25, 24:20

114. "Rob not the poor, because he is poor: neither oppress the afflicted."
Does God approve of slavery? 22:22-23

115. Is it okay to drink alcohol? 20:1, 23:20-21, 23:29-30, 31:6-7

116. Is it OK to gamble? 28:22

117. "Add thou not unto his words."
Yet the New World Translation inserts the word "other" four times in
Col.1:16-17 even though it is not in the original Greek. 30:6

Ecclesiastes
118. "A time to dance"
Is dancing a sin? 3:4

Song of Solomon

119. "I have drunk my wine ... O friends; drink, yea, drink abundantly."
Is it OK to drink alcohol? 5:1

Isaiah

120. "Woe unto them that ... follow strong drink." 5:11
"Woe unto them that are mighty to drink wine, and men of strength to
mingle strong drink." 5:22
"They also have erred through wine." 28:7
Is it OK to drink alcohol?

121. "Lucifer, son of the morning."
This is the only verse in the bible that mentions Lucifer. Although most
Christians consider Lucifer to be Satan (the devil), there is little biblical
justification for doing so. In this verse "Lucifer" refers to the king of Babylon
(Nebuchadrezzar?) and Lucifer (the light bearer) is also called the "son of the
morning" or morning star. The only other person that is referred to in that way
is Jesus (Rev.22:16). Does this mean that Lucifer is Jesus? 14:12

122. God performs a "marvelous work and a wonder" by destroying wisdom
and understanding. The Mormons believe the "marvelous work and a wonder"
is the Book of Mormon 29:14

123. "Thus saith the LORD to his anointed, to Cyrus"
"Anointed one" means Messiah. So was king Cyrus the Messiah?
David Koresh (born Vernon Howell) chose his name after the two men in
the Bible who are called Messiah (or anointed one) in the Bible: David and
Cyrus. (The name "Koresh" is a transliteration of the Hebrew name Cyrus.)
45:1

124. "My counsel shall stand, and I will do all my pleasure."
Unlike the god of the process theologians, the God of Isaiah is in full
control of his creation; he has pre-ordained everything. 46:10-11

125. "The fire shall burn them."
No astrologer, stargazer, or prognosticator will be able to save those that
God plans to burn to death.
Does the bible condemn astrology? 47:13-14

126. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,
saith the LORD."
Believers use these verses to justify everything cruel, nasty, and absurd in
the Bible. Why did God kill 42 children for making fun of a prophet's bald
head? What was God thinking when he inspired Ezekiel 23:20? And what
about that talking donkey in Numbers 22? Well God's ways are not our ways.
55:8-9

127. "Let the oppressed go free ... break every yoke."
Does God approve of slavery? 58:6

Jeremiah

128. Christians often cite this verse as biblical proof that a fetus is a person.
Their rationale is if God knows us in the womb, then we must be a person. Of
course, they often overlook these verses that illustrate God's willingness to kill
both the born and unborn. 1:5

129. "Ask for the old paths"
To see how to become such "an old kind of Christian" go to Little Geneva.
6:16

130. "Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of
heaven."
Does the Bible condemn astrology? 10:2

131. "The way of man is not in himself: it is not in man that walketh to direct
his steps." (Humans lack free will.) 10:23

132. "Woe unto him that buildeth his house by unrighteousness, and his
chambers by wrong; that useth his neighbour's service without wages, and
giveth him not for his work."
Does God approve of slavery? 22:13

133. What was Sodom's sin? 23:14

Lamentations (None)

Ezekiel

134. Ezekiel experiences what some say is the first recorded UFO sighting.
1:5-9

135. Ezekiel 4:9 bread It's supposed to be made according to the recipe
given in this verse and is said to be a complete meal that satisfies all
nutritional requirements. I guess that's how Ezekiel managed to survive 390
days lying on his side and eating only this bread. It seems like pretty darned
good bread to me, too, but I can't wait until they start making bread using the
procedure described in Ezekiel 4:12. 4:9

136. What was Sodom's sin? 16:49

137. "For Joseph, the stick of Ephraim...."
Mormons believe "the stick of Ephraim" is a prophecy of the Book of
Mormon. (Doctrine and Covenants 27:5) 37:15-17
Daniel

138. "Daniel ... would not defile himself with ... the king's ... wine." 1:8
Is it OK to drink alcohol?

139. "And many of them that sleep in the dust of the earth shall awake, some
to everlasting life." 12:2
Does Hell exist?

Hosea (None)

Joel

140. "They ... parted my land." 3:2
On January 5, 2006, Pat Robertson linked Israeli Prime Minister Ariel
Sharon's stroke to God's wrath, saying: "In the book of Joel, the prophet Joel
makes it very clear that God has 'enmity against those who divide my land.'"
Although he didn't quote chapter and verse, Joel 3:2 is probably what he
was referring to, though his interpretation of that verse is a bit less than "very
clear" to me.

Amos (None)

Obadiah

141. "They shall be as though they had not been." 16
Does hell exist?

Jonah (None)

Micah (None)

Nahum (None)

Habakkuk

142. "Woe unto him that giveth his neighbour drink." 2:15
Is it OK to drink alcohol?

Zephaniah
143. "I will cut off ... them that worship the host of heaven." 1:4-5
Does the Bible condemn astrology?

Haggai (None)

Zechariah

144. "How great is his goodness ... corn shall make the young men cheerful,
and new wine for the maids."
Is it OK to drink alcohol? 9:17

Malachi

145. "I will be a swift witness against ... those that oppress the hireling in his
wages." 3:5
Does God approve of slavery?

Matthew

146. "Where is he that is born King of the Jews? for we have seen his star in
the east." 2:1-2
Does the bible condemn astrology?

147. "Thou shalt not commit adultery."
If a man who looks at a woman with lust commits adultery, and the penalty
for adultery is death (Lev.20:10), then shouldn't the man (and the woman?) be
put to death? 5:27-28

148. "For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen."
These words (used in the Protestant version of "the Lord's Prayer") were
probably not in the original gospel, since they are not found in Luke's version
(Luke 11:2-4) or in the oldest manuscripts of Matthew's gospel. 6:13

149. Does God approve of slavery? 8:5-9, 23:10

150. "And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul:
but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell." 10:28
Notice that Jesus makes a clear distinction between the soul and the body
in this verse. Why would he do that if, as the Governing Body of the Jehovah's
Witnesses teaches, the soul is the body?

151. "And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. 10:34
Jehovah's Witnesses use these verses to justify forcing members to
disfellowship (shun) their own family.

152. Does Hell exist? 13:41-42, 18:8-9, 22:13, 25:41, 46

153. "Thy mother and thy brethren" 12:47, 13:55-56
The fact that Jesus had brothers shows that Mary, contrary to Catholic
teaching, was not always a virgin.

154. "Pearl of great price"
This phrase was adopted by the Mormon (LDS) church as the title of one
of its standard works. The Pearl of Great Price is a part of Mormon scripture.
13:46

155. "But when Herod's birthday was kept, the daughter of Herodias danced
before them, and pleased Herod." 14:6-8
Is dancing a sin?
156. "Two or three witnesses" 18:16
Jehovah's Witnesses use this verse (along with Dt.19:15 and 1 Tim.5:19)
to justify their refusal to report or investigate incidents of child molestation
unless two or three JWs have witnessed the event. If witnesses do not come
forward (and they are discouraged from doing so since it would embarrass the
organization), then the victim is told to be quiet about it.

157. "Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God."
19:17
"My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" 27:46
Is Jesus God?

158. Is polygamy OK? 19:4-5, 25:1

159. "They shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with
power and great glory." 24:30
Will Jesus' second coming be visible to all? Well, not according to the
Jehovah's Witnesses, anyway. Even though in this verse Jesus says he'll
return "on the clouds of heaven with great power and glory" and Rev.1:7 says
that "every eye shall see him," The Governing Body claims that Jesus
returned invisibly in 1914 without clouds, glory, or being seen by anyone.

160. "Learn a parable of the fig tree." 24:32-34
Based on these versese, Hal Linsey's The Late, Great Planet Earth
predicted that the end of the world would occur before 1988. The fig tree
represents Israel, Israel came back to life in 1948, and Jesus said the end
would come within one generation (40 years).

161. "Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things
be fulfilled." 24:34
The Jehovah's Witnesses used to interpret this verse to mean that some
of those who witnessed Jesus' return in 1914 would still be alive when
Armageddon happened. Now that those alive in 1914 are now pretty much
dead, the JWs have given up on this prediction.

162. "Not the angels of heaven, but my Father only" 24:36
The best and earliest Greek manuscripts say, "not the angels of heaven,
neither the son, but the Father only." But apparently it bothered the scribes
that there were some things Jesus didn't know, so they fixed it by omitting the
phrase, "neither the son."

163. "Who then is a faithful and wise servant?" 24:45
For JWs, this is the most important verse in the bible. It is the basis of
their central dogma, that the governing body of the Jehovah's Witnesses is
the "faithful and wise servant," or as the NWT puts it "the faithful and discrete
slave." As such, the governing body must be obeyed in all matters and all of
their teachings must be accepted. Those who do so will survive Armageddon;
those who do not, will not.
164. "That evil servant" 24:48
The "evil servant" ("evil slave" in NWT) is any of the 144,000 anointed
Jehovah's Witnesses that are (or were) going to heaven, but have since left
the organization. They are collectively called the evil slave class.

165. "Eat; this is my body." 26:26-28
Jesus tells his disciples to eat his body and drink his blood. Did he mean
this literally or figuratively? The question has divided Christians since the
Reformation, but it's impossible to tell from the passage itself. If God inspired
the Bible, shouldn't he have made its interpretation clear?

166. "I will not drink henceforth of this fruit of the vine, until that day when I
drink it new with you in my Father's kingdom." 26:29
Is it OK to drink alcohol?

Mark

167. The phrase "as it is written in the prophets" is not found in the oldest and
best Greek manuscripts which say, rather, "as it is written in Isaiah." Scribes
made the change to correct the mistake of attributing the quotation to Isaiah,
since the first part of the quote (v.2) is not from Isaiah, but from Ex.23:20 and
Mal.3:1. 1:2

168. Peter, who Catholics believe was the first pope, was married. 1:30

169. "Jesus, moved with compassion"
Some of the earliest manuscripts of Mark say that Jesus was moved with
anger, not compassion. Bart Ehrman in Misquoting Jesus (p.133-138) argues
that the original text probably said that Jesus reacted with wrath rather than
compassion, and was later changed by scribes to make the verse less
problematic. 1:41

170. "Is not this the carpenter, the son of Mary?"
This is the only verse in the New Testament where Jesus is referred to as
a carpenter. And in the earliest manuscript of Mark, the verse says, "Is not this
the son of the carpenter?" Apparently it wasn't in any of the Gospels at the
time of Origen, who said that "in none of the Gospels current in the Churches
is Jesus himself ever described as being a carpenter." 6:3

171. Jehovah's Witnesses and birthdays 6:21

172. Does Hell exist? 9:43-48

173. Is polygamy OK? 10:11

174. "Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth
adultery."
If divorced people are adulterers, and the punishment for adultery is death
(Lev.20:10), should we kill those who get a divorce? 10:11-12
175. Is Jesus God? 10:18, 15:34, 16:19

176. Does God approve of slavery? 10:42-43

177. Do angels have sex? 12:25

178. Will Jesus' second coming be visible to all? 13:26

179. "And Pilate marveled if he were already dead." Maybe he wasn't! 15:44

180. Verses 9-20 were are not found in the earlier manuscripts and are
therefore considered later additions. So the gospel of Mark ended without
anyone seeing the resurrected Jesus or any of the cool stuff about snake
handling, drinking poison, or damned non-believers. 16:9-20

Luke

181. Is it OK to drink alcohol? 1:15

182. "Joseph and his mother"
Many manuscripts say "his father and his mother," but scribes later
changed this to "Joseph and his mother" to avoid calling Joseph Jesus's
father. 2:33

183. Peter, who Catholics consider the first pope, was married. [Though he
later abandoned his wife and family to follow Jesus.(5:11)] 4:38

184. Who was the greatest prophet? 7:28

185. Does God approve of slavery? 7:2-10, 12:46-47, 17:7-9

186. The earliest manuscripts show a much different version of the "Lord's
Prayer." Since the prayer found in Matthew (6:9-13) had become so important
liturgically, scribes simply changed the Luke's version to match. 11:2-5

187. Is dancing a sin? 15:22-25

188. Does Hell exist? 16:22-24

189. Does the bible condemn astrology? 21:25

190. Will Jesus' second coming be visible to all? 21:27

191. These verses are found in some (but not all) of the oldest and best
manuscripts. Were they added to (or deleted from) the Biblical text by a
scribe? 22:43-44

192. The phrase "truly I say unto you" is used by Jesus more than 50 times in
the NT. In all verses except this one, the Watchtower places the comma after
the word "you". [more] 23:43
193. "and carried up into heaven"
This phrase appears to be a later addition, since it is not present in some
early manuscripts. 24:51

John

194. Is Jesus God? 1:1, 1:14, 8:40, 8:58, 10:30-31, 10:38-39, 14:9, 14:28,
20:17, 20:28

195. "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the
Word was God."
But how could Jesus be with God in the beginning as this verse says, if,
as the Watchtower teaches, Jesus was created by God? And how could Jesus
be "a god" and yet be with God during the creation, if God was speaking
truthfully in Dt.32:39 when he said, "there are no gods with me"? 1:1

196. Is it OK to drink alcohol? 2:3-10

197. Jehovah's Witnesses deny the bodily resurrection of Jesus, saying
instead that he was raised as a "spirit creature." If so, then how could John
say that "he spake of the temple of his body?" 2:19-21

198. Troubled Waters
The earliest and best manuscripts lack the explanation for the "troubled
waters" given in verses 3-4, which was later added by scribes. 5:3-4

199. Does Hell exist? 5:28-29

200. The woman caught in adultery
This is one of the best-known and most-loved of all Bible stories, but it
shouldn't be in the Bible. For although some manuscripts put it here, others
after John 7:36 or 21:35, or Luke 21:38, it is not found anywhere in the oldest
and best manuscripts. 7:53 - 8:11

201. Does God approve of capital punishment? 8:3-7

202. The Watchtower tries to change the meaning of Jesus' words ("Before
Abraham was, I am.") by having him say, "Before Abraham came into
existence I have been." I suppose this is supposed to mean that he was
around as the Archangel Michael back then or something. (The NWT
translates "ego eimi" as "I am" everywhere it occurs except in this verse.) 8:58

203. The Book of Mormon identifies the "other sheep" to be the Nephites who
would be visited by Jesus in the New World after his resurrection. 10:16

204. "I lay down my life ... No man taketh it from me, but I lay it down of
myself."
Did Jesus commit suicide? 10:17-18
205. Will Jesus' second coming be visible to all? 14:19

206. Jehovah's Witnesses, like Jesus, are hated by the world and are not of
the world. Thus they don't vote or take part in any human organizations
outside the Watchtower Society. 15:18-19, 17:14

207. Is it OK to gamble? 19:23-24

208. Did Jesus die on a torture stake or a cross? 20:25

209. If Jesus (like the Jehovah's Witnesses) didn't believe himself to be God,
then why didn't he correct Thomas when he said, "My Lord and my God"?
20:28

210. "These are written, that ye might believe."
The gospel of John seems to come to an end with verses 20:30-31, with
the next chapter tacked on as a later addition. This is, in fact, what most
scholars believe today. 20:30-31

Acts

211. Does the bible condemn gambling? 1:26

212. Who is the prophesied prophet? Jesus or Muhammad? 3:22-24

213. If the name Jehovah [or YHWH] is so important, why isn't it found in the
NT? And why does it say in Acts 4:12 that there is only one name (Jesus
Christ, v. 10) "whereby we must be saved"? 4:10, 12

214. Stephen, as he is dying, asks Jesus (not Jehovah) to receive his spirit.
But how could Jesus receive his spirit if, as the Governing Body teaches,
Jesus is not God and if the soul dies along with the body. 7:59

215. Although in verse 59, Stephen was clearly praying to Jesus, the NWT
tries to give the (false) impression that he was really praying to Jehovah by
translating "Lord" (kyrios) as "Jehovah". [Then, bending his knees, he cried
out with a strong voice: "Jehovah, do not charge this sin against them." NWT]
7:60

216. "The Holy Ghost said ... I have called them." Jehovah's Witnesses deny
that the Holy Spirit is a person. Why then does he talk and refer to himself in
the first person in this verse? 13:2

217. Many Jehovah's Witnesses have needlessly died because the
WatchTower Society teaches that abstaining from blood, as required by these
verses, prohibits blood transfusions. 15:20, 29

218. Is Jesus God? 17:31, 20:28

Romans
219. The Watchtower has also used this verse to condemn oral sex between
husband and wife. 1:27

220. Does hell exist? 6:21, 23

221. "The whole creation groaneth and travaileth in pain together until now."
Some Christians use this verse to show that we live in a sin cursed world.
(But others disagree.) 8:22

222. Is it OK to drink alcohol? 13:13, 14:21

223. "Mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine
which ye have learned; and avoid them." Jehovah's Witnesses use these
verses to justify disfellowshipping those who disagree with the Governing
Body. 16:17-18

1 Corinthians

224. The Governing Body uses this verse to control the thoughts and beliefs
of Jehovah’s Witnesses. They are instructed not to accept or read the
religious literature of others, not to listen to criticism of the Watchtower
Society's teachings, and to fight against independent thinking. 1:10

225. The oldest Christian denominations were partisans of Paul, Apollos,
Cephas, and Christ. 1:12

226. Does hell exist? 3:17, 15:22

227. "I wrote unto you in an epistle"
Despite its title, First Corinthians wasn't the first epistle that Paul wrote the
Corinthians. There was another (Zeroth Corinthians?) that was either lost or
considered not worthy of including in the Bible. 5:9

228. Jehovah's Witnesses use these verses to justify disfellowshipping those
who fail to follow the teachings of the Governing Body. JWs are told to shun
disfellowshipped family and friends. They are not to speak to them or share a
meal with them. If a witness is caught doing so, they will be disfellowshipped
as well. 5:9-13

229. Jehovah's Witnesses believe that they should not take another member
of their church to court. Consequently, JWs who report incidents of sex abuse
are often disfellowshipped. 6:1-7

230. Is polygamy OK? 7:2

231. Does God approve of slavery? 7:21-22, 23

232. Is Jesus God? 11:3, 15:28
233. Should women have the same rights as men? 11:3, 14:34-36

234. May a woman speak in church? 11:4-5, 14:34-35

235. "For as often as you eat this loaf and drink this cup, you keep
proclaiming the death of the Lord, until he arrives." (NWT). If Christ arrived in
1914, as the governing body teaches, then why do Jehovah's Witnesses
continue to partake of the bread and wine? Shouldn't they have stopped in
1914? 11:26

236. In some manuscripts, verses 34-35 are found at the end of chapter 14,
leading some scholars to think that they were not written by Paul but
originated from a misogynistic scribe's marginal note.14:34-36

237. "In Adam all die. In Christ shall all be made alive."
Nothing died before Adam sinned. In Christ all will have eternal life. (Christ
died for the animals.)15:21-22

238. "For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive. "
Does hell exist? 15:22

239. "If the dead rise not at all? why are they then baptized for the dead?"
This is the verse that the Mormons use to justify their belief in the baptism of
the dead. 15:29

240. "All flesh is not the same flesh: but there is one kind of flesh of men,
another of beasts."
This verse is used by Creationists to argue against both evolution and any
attempt to create "human-animal hybrids" or "chimeras." 15:39

241. "The first man Adam"
Young Earth Creationists use this verse to support a literal reading of
Genesis. "If we cannot believe in the First Adam, why believe in the Last
[Christ]?" 15:45

242. "And afterword that which is spiritual."
Asa Gray, the foremost American botanist in the 19th century and close
friend of Charles Darwin, used this verse to support the idea that the Bible is
not inconsistent with human evolution. 15:46

2 Corinthians

243. Does hell exist? 2:15

244. To Jehovah's Witnesses, everything outside of the Watchtower
Organization is controlled by Satan. The Governing Body uses theses verses
to condemn all holidays, civic activities, and association with non-JWs. 6:14-
17
245. Jehovah's Witnesses use this verse (along with Dt.19:15, 1 Tim.5:19,
and Mt.18:16) to justify their refusal to report or investigate incidents of child
molestation unless two or three JWs have witnessed the event. If witnesses
do not come forward (and they are discouraged from doing so since it would
embarrass the organization), then the victim is told to be quiet about it -- or
risk being disfellowshipped. 13:1

Galatians

246. Should women have the same rights as men? 3:28

247. Is dancing a sin? 5:19-21

248. Is it OK to drink alcohol? 5:20-21

249. Does hell exist 6:8

Ephesians

250. "Paul ... to the saints to the saints which are at Ephesus"
Although Ephesians claims to have been written by Paul, most scholars
think it was written after his death by one of his followers. Also, the words "to
the saints which are in Ephesus" does not occur in the best manuscripts. 1:1

251. "As I wrote afore in few words"
There was another epistle to the Ephesians that has since been lost. 3:3-4

252. "Have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness."
To JWs, everything outside of the Watchtower Organization is controlled
by Satan. This is one of the verses that the the Governing Body uses to
condemn all holidays, civic activities, and association with non-JWs. 5:11

253. Is is OK to drink alcohol? 5:18

254. Should women have the same rights as men? 5:22-24

255. Is polygamy OK? 5:33

256. Does God approve of slavery? 6:5

Philippians

257. Does God approve of slavery? 2:3

258. Is Jesus God? 2:6

259. Does hell exist? 3:18-19

Colossians
260. "Paul ... to the saints and faithful brethren in Christ which are at
Colosse"
Although Colossians claims to have been written by Paul, most scholars
think it was written after his death by one of his followers. 1:1-2

261. The New World Translation inserts the word 'other' four times in these
two verses (although it is not included in the Greek) to support the GB's denial
of the divinity of Christ. But adding words to scripture is condemned in
Pr.30:6. 1:16-17

262. "Rejoice in my sufferings for you, and fill up that which is behind of the
afflictions of Christ in my flesh."
The suffering Jesus was not sufficient to satisfy God's wrath, so the Paul
(or whoever wrote Colossians) had to make up for what as lacking with his
own sufferings. 1:24

263. Is Jesus God? 1:16, 2:9, 3:1

264. Should women have the same rights as men? 3:18

265. Does God approve of slavery? 3:22, 4:1

266. "Read the epistle from Laodicea."
Apparently God intended to include the epistle from Laodicea in the Bible,
but it was lost somewhere along the way. There were several letters that
claimed to be the lost epistle (and one of these was often included in Latin
medieval bibles), but they are considered forgeries today. 4:16

1 Thessalonians

267. "For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the
voice of the archangel...." From this verse and Jude 9, the Jehovah's
Witnesses figure that Jesus is really the archangel Michael. 4:16

268. Does hell exist? 5:3

2 Thessalonians

269. Does Hell exist? 1:8-9

270. "Be not soon shaken in mind ... by letter as from us."
What letter is being referred to here? Is it 1 Thessalonians? If so, then
should Christians not read it to avoid being "skaken in mind?" 2:2

271. Although 2 Thessalonians claims to have been written by Paul, many
scholars think it was a forgery. 1:1, 3:17

272. Jehovah's Witnesses use these verses to justify disfellowshipping
anyone who disagrees with the Watchtower's teachings. 3:6, 14
1 Timothy

273. Although First Timothy claims to have been written by Paul, many
scholars believe that it was written after his death. 1:1

274. Does God approve of slavery?1:9, 6:1-5

275. Is Jesus God? 2:5, 3:16

276. Should women have the same rights as men? 2:11-15

277. Is polygamy OK? 3:2

278. "God was manifest in the flesh."
This verse has been used to support the idea that Jesus is God, but the
best and earliest manuscripts say Christ "who was made manifest in the
flesh," not "God was made manifest in the flesh." 3:16

279. "The living God" is the saviour of "all men" -- especially (but not
exclusively) of those that believe. So even nonbelievers will be saved. 4:10

280. Jehovah's Witnesses use this verse (along with Dt.19:15) to justify their
refusal to report or investigate incidents of child molestation unless two or
three JWs have witnessed the event. If witnesses do not come forward (and
they are discouraged from doing so since it would embarrass the
organization), then the victim is told to be quiet about it. 5:19

281. Is it OK to drink alcohol? 5:23

2 Timothy

282. Although Second Timothy claims to have been written by Paul, some
scholars believe that it was written after his death. 1:1

283. "The Lord knoweth them that are his." This verse was used by the
Catholic Church during the inquisition to justify killing those suspected of
heresy. (Kill them all, for `the Lord knows them that are His'." ) 2:19

Titus

284. Although Titus claims to have been written by Paul, many scholars
believe that it was written pseudonymously after his death. 1:1

285. Is polygamy OK? 1:6-7

286. Does God approve of slavery? 2:9-10

287. Is Jesus God? 2:13
288. "A man that is an heretick after the first and second admonition reject."
The Jehovah's Witnesses follow this by disfellowshipping those who refuse to
accept the Governing Bodies teachings. (The NWT translates 3:10 in this
way: "As for a man that promotes a sect...." But don't all JWs belong to and
promote a sect?) 3:10-11

Philemon

289. Does God approve of slavery? 1:10-15

Hebrews

290. Is Jesus God? 1:8

291. The JWs deny the divinity of Christ so they just changed the words in
the New World Translation to read: "But with reference to the Son: 'God is
your throne forever and ever.'" 1:8

292. Did Jesus die "by the grace of God" or "apart from God"? "There are
good reasons for thinking that the latter ... was the original reading of the
Epistle to the Hebrews." [Bart Ehrman, Misquoting Jesus, (2005), p.145] 2:9

293. Who was the greatest prophet? 3:1-3

294. Jehovah's Witnesses use these verses to justify their cruel treatment of
apostates (exJWs). 6:4-6

295. Does God approve of slavery? 13:3

James

296. "If any of you lack wisdom ... ask of God ... and it shall be given him."
This is the verse that set the 14-year-old Joseph Smith off to found the
Mormon Church. That is just an example of the type of wisdom God can give
you. 1:5

297. Does hell exist? 1:15, 4:12, 5:20

298. Does God approve of slavery? 5:4

1 Peter

299. Does God approve of slavery? 2:18

300. Should women have the same rights as men? 3:1

301. Is Jesus God? 3:21-22
302. The Watchtower Society teaches that there is no consciousness after
death. But if that is so, then how could Jesus have preached to the "spirits in
prison?" 3:19, 4:6

2 Peter

303. Although this epistle claims to have been written by Peter, he was
almost certainly not its author. It is thought to have been written around 90-
100 CE, long after Peter's death. The late date is suspected because: 1)
verses 3:3-4 make excuses for the failure of the expected second coming of
Christ, 2) the author refers to "all of the letters of Paul" in a way that indicates
that Paul's epistles were already considered equal to "the other scriptures",
and 3) the epistle depends upon the letter of Jude, which is thought to have
been written around 80-100 CE. 1:1, 3:1

1 John

304. "He is the propitiation for our sins: and not for our's only, but also for the
sins of the whole world."
Does hell exist? 2:2

305. "There are three that bear record in heaven, the Father, the Word, and
the Holy Ghost."

This is the clearest, and pretty much the only, expression of the Trinitarian
concept in the Bible. It is not, however, found in the earliest Greek
manuscripts and is omitted from most modern translations. Here, for example,
are verses 5:7-8 in the New Revised Standard Version:
"There are three that testify: the Spirit and the water and the blood, and
these three agree."

Not all Christians agree about how these verses (often called the
Johannine comma) should be treated. See here for a KJV-only defense. 5:7-8

2 John

306. Don't associate with non-Christians. Don't receive them into your house
or even exchange greeting with them. This is the biblical justification for
"Disfellowshipping" among the Jehovah's Witnesses. 10

3 John

307. "I wrote unto the church"
There was another epistle of John that has since been lost. 9

Jude

308. Do angels have sex? 6-7

309. What was Sodom's sin? 7
310. Michael the Archangel (Jesus according to the Watchtower) argued with
the devil about the body of Moses. 9

311. Enoch, "the seventh from Adam", prophesied that God would come with
10,000 of his saints "to execute judgment upon all." But this prophecy is from
the Book of Enoch, not from the Bible. 14-15

312. "Remember ye the words which were spoken before of the apostles."
Jude was written in post-apostolic times, so it's author could not have
been the apostle Jude (Luke 6:16; Acts 1:13; cf John 14:22) as believers
sometimes claim. 17

Revelation

313. Will Jesus' second coming be visible to all? Well, not according to the
Jehovah's Witnesses, anyway. Even though Jesus (Mt.24:30) says he'll return
"on the clouds of heaven with great power and glory" and this verse says that
"every eye shall see him," The Governing Body claims that Jesus returned
invisibly in 1914 without clouds, glory, or being seen by anyone. 1:7

314. Is Jesus God? 1:17, 22:13

315. JWs believe that there are two distinct classes of believers: the 144,000
"Anointed" that are going to heaven and the "Great Crowd" that will remain
here on earth. The WatchTower teaches that heaven closed in 1935, and that
everyone else will either be killed at Armageddon (if they are not JWs) or live
forever on earth. 7:4

316. The "great multitude" is the WatchTower's "great crowd" that it claims
will remain on earth rather than going to heaven. Yet in this verse the "great
crowd" stands "before the throne" and "before the lamb". Where else would
the thrown and lamb be besides heaven? 7:9

317. "And the name of the star is called Wormwood."
Some believers say that the 1986 nuclear disaster at Chernobyl was the
fulfillment of the third trumpet in 8:10-11. 8:10-11

318. "A thousand two hundred and threescore days"
Jehovah's Witnesses believe that Jesus returned in 1914. This belief is
derived from these verses that link "a time, times, and a half a time" with 1260
days. 12:6, 14

319. Most scholars agree that the 666 referred to the emperor Nero. Some
ancient manuscripts have 616 instead of 666. For more information see here.
13:18

320. Does Hell exist? 14:10-11, 20:10, 20:14-15
321. The Watchtower says that "the beast that was, and is not, and yet is"
referred to in this verse is the United Nations. It was the League of Nations
which disappeared, only to once again rise as the UN. (See Pay Attention to
Daniel's Prophecy, p. 269) 17:8

322. "I am thy fellowservant, and of thy brethren the prophets"
Mormon apologists use this verse to explain the plagiarism of the Bible in
the Book of Mormon. (Prophets sometimes send angelic visitors to other
prophets to help with the proper wording of scripture.) 22:9
Science and History in the Bible
All fowls that creep, going upon all four, shall be an abomination unto you.--
Lev.11:20

Reason is the Devil's greatest whore ... Throw dung in her face to make her
ugly. -- Martin Luther

Genesis

1. "God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good."
God purposefully designed a system that ensures the suffering and death
of all his creatures, parasite and host, predator and prey.

2. "In the beginning" 1:1
When was the universe created?

3. "In the beginning" 1:1-2
The Gap Theory

4. The Genesis 1 creation account conflicts with the order of events that are
known to science. In Genesis, the earth is created before light and stars, birds
and whales before reptiles and insects, and flowering plants before any
animals. The order of events known from science is just the opposite. 1:1-2:3

5. God creates light and separates light from darkness, and day from night,
on the first day. Yet he didn't make the light producing objects (the sun and the
stars) until the fourth day (1:14-19). And how could there be "the evening and
the morning" on the first day if there was no sun to mark them? 1:3-5

6. God spends one-sixth of his entire creative effort (the second day)
working on a solid firmament. This strange structure, which God calls heaven,
is intended to separate the higher waters from the lower waters. 1:6-8

7. Plants are made on the third day before there was a sun to drive their
photosynthetic processes (1:14-19). 1:11

8. God lets "the earth bring forth" the plants, rather than creating them
directly. Maybe Genesis is not so anti-evolution after all. 1:11

9. In an apparent endorsement of astrology, God places the sun, moon, and
stars in the firmament so that they can be used "for signs". This, of course, is
exactly what astrologers do: read "the signs" in the Zodiac in an effort to
predict what will happen on Earth. 1:14

10. God makes two lights: "the greater light [the sun] to rule the day, and the
lesser light [the moon] to rule the night." But the moon is not a light, but only
reflects light from the sun. And why, if God made the moon to "rule the night",
does it spend half of its time moving through the daytime sky? 1:16
11. "He made the stars also." God spends a day making light (before making
the stars) and separating light from darkness; then, at the end of a hard day's
work, and almost as an afterthought, he makes the trillions of stars. 1:16

12. "And God set them [the stars] in the firmament of the heaven to give light
upon the earth." 1:17

13. In verse 11, God "let the earth bring forth" the plants. Now he has the
earth "bring forth" the animals as well. So maybe the creationists have it all
wrong. Maybe God created livings things through the process of evolution.
1:24

14. God gave humans dominion over every other living thing on earth. 1:26

15. God commands us to "be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth,
and subdue it: and have dominion over ... every living thing that moveth upon
the earth." 1:28

16. "I have given you every herb ... and every tree ... for meat." 1:29

17. All animals were originally herbivores. Tapeworms, vampire bats,
mosquitoes, and barracudas -- all were strict vegetarians, as they were
created by God. 1:30

18. "God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good."
He purposefully designed a system that ensures the suffering and death of all
his creatures, parasite and host, predator and prey. 1:31

19. In Genesis 1 the entire creation takes 6 days, but the universe is at least
12 billion years old, with new stars constantly being formed. 1:31

20. Humans were not created instantaneously from dust and breath, but
evolved over millions of years from simpler life forms. 2:7

21. After making the animals, God has Adam name them all. The naming of
several million species must have kept Adam busy for a while. 2:18-22

22. God fashions a woman out of one of Adam's ribs.
Because of this story, it was commonly believed (and sometimes it is still
said today) that males have one less rib than females. When Vesalius showed
in 1543 that the number of ribs was the same in males and females, it created
a storm of controversy. 2:19

23. God curses the serpent. From now on the serpent will crawl on his belly
and eat dust. One wonders how he got around before -- by hopping on his tail,
perhaps? But snakes don't eat dust, do they? 3:14

24. Because Adam listened to Eve, God cursed the ground and causes
thorns and thistles to grow. Before this, according to the (false) Genesis story,
plants had no natural defenses. The rose had no thorn, cacti were spineless,
holly leaves were smooth, and the nettle had no sting. Foxgloves, oleander,
and milkweeds were all perfectly safe to eat. 3:17-18

25. When Lamech was born, nine generations were alive at once. Adam,
Seth, Enos, Cainan, Mahalaleel, Jared, Enoch, Methuselah, and Lamech
were all alive at the time of Lamech's birth. Adam lived to see his great-great-
great-great-great-great-grandson. 5:25

26. "There were giants in the earth in those days." Well, I suppose it's good
to know that. But why is there no archaeological evidence for the existence of
these giants? 6:4

27. Noah is told to make an ark that is 450 feet long. 6:14-15

28. Whether by twos or by sevens, Noah takes male and female
representatives from each species of "every thing that creepeth upon the
earth." 7:8

29. God opens the "windows of heaven." He does this every time it rains.
7:11

30. All of the animals boarded the ark "in the selfsame day." 7:13-14

31. The flood covered the highest mountain tops (Mount Everest?) with
fifteen cubits to spare. 7:20

32. "The windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was
restrained." This happens whenever it stops raining. 8:2

33. Noah sends a dove out to see if there was any dry land. But the dove
returns without finding any. Then, just seven days later, the dove goes out
again and returns with an olive leaf. But how could an olive tree survive the
flood? And if any seeds happened to survive, they certainly wouldn't
germinate and grow leaves within a seven day period. 8:8-11

34. When the animals left the ark, what would they have eaten? There would
have been no plants after the ground had been submerged for nearly a year.
What would the carnivores have eaten? Whatever prey they ate would have
gone extinct. And how did the New World primates or the Australian
marsupials find their way back after the flood subsided? 8:19

35. Noah kills the "clean beasts" and burns their dead bodies for God.
According to 7:8 this would have caused the extinction of all "clean" animals
since only two of each were taken onto the ark. 8:20-21

36. "Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth." Although this would
have been good advice for the mythical Noah, it is deadly advice for
humankind as a whole. Overpopulation is one of our greatest problems, yet
there is nothing in the bible to address it. 9:1
37. According to this verse, all animals fear humans. Although it is true that
many do, it is also true that some do not. Sharks and grizzly bears, for
example, are generally much less afraid of us than we are of them. 9:2

38. "Into your hand are they (the animals) delivered." God gave the animals
to humans, and they can do whatever they please with them. This verse has
been used by bible believers to justify all kinds of cruelty to animals and
environmental destruction. 9:2

39. God is rightly filled with remorse for having killed his creatures. He even
puts the rainbow in the sky to remind himself of his promise to the animals not
to do it again. But rainbows are caused by the nature of light, the refractive
index of water, and the shape of raindrops. There were rainbows billions of
years before humans existed. 9:13

40. Some creationists believe that this verse refers to continental drift, which,
they say, began to occur during the days of Pelag (which means "division"),
about 100 or so years after the flood. But many other creationists disagree.
10:25

41. "The whole earth was of one language." But this could not be true, since
by this time (around 2400 BCE) there were already many languages, each
unintelligible to the others. 11:1, 6

42. God worries that people could build a tower high enough to reach him
(them?) in heaven, and that by so doing they will become omnipotent. 11:4-6

43. According to the Tower of Babel story, the many human languages were
created instantaneously by God. But actually the various languages evolved
gradually over long periods of time. 11:9

44. The ridiculously long lives of the patriarchs. 11:10-32

45. "And they returned to the land of the Philistines." But the Philistines didn't
arrive in the region of Canaan until around 1200 BCE -- 800 years after
Abraham's supposed migration from Ur. 21:32, 26:1, 8, 15, 18

46. Laban learns "by experience" that God has blessed him for Jacob's sake.
"By experience" means "by divination", at least that is how most other
versions translate this verse. 30:27

47. Jacob displays his (and God's) knowledge of biology by having goats
copulate while looking at streaked rods. The result is streaked baby goats.
30:37-39

48. God (or an angel) praises Jacob for his fancy genetic work in Gen.30:37-
39. 31:11-12

49. Joseph and his magic divining cup. 44:5, 44:15
Exodus

50. It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a
journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 16:35

51. The Israelite population went from 70 (or 75) to several million in a few
hundred years. 1:5,7, 12:37, 38:26

52. Why are some people born with disabilities? Because God deliberately
makes them that way. 4:11

53. God led the Israelites through the land of the Philistines, hundreds of
years before the Philistines were established in Canaan. 13:17

54. If you do what God says, he won't send his diseases on you (like he did
to the Egyptians). But otherwise.... 15:26

55. "The manna referred to in the Bible, in Exodus 16:14, seems to have
been the dried excrement of Trabutina mannipara, a scale insect that feeds on
tamarisk trees." Benjamin B. Normark, The Sex Lives of Scales, Natural
History, Sept. 2004. 16:14-15

56. "In six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in
them."
Believers often say that the "days" of creation should be taken
allegorically, but this verse is quite clear. God created the universe in six 24
hour days. 20:11

Leviticus

57. The bible says that hares and coneys are unclean because they "chew
the cud" but do not part the hoof. But hares and coneys are not ruminants and
they do not "chew the cud." 11:5-6

58. Bats are birds to the biblical God. 11:13, 19

59. Four-legged fowls are abominations. 11:20

60. Be sure to watch out for those "other flying creeping things which have
four feet." (I wish God wouldn't get so technical!) I guess he must mean four-
legged insects. You'd think that since God made the insects, and so many of
them (at least several million species), that he would know how many legs
they have! 11:23

61. God's law for lepers: Get two birds. Kill one. Dip the live bird in the blood
of the dead one. Sprinkle the blood on the leper seven times, and then let the
blood-soaked bird fly off. Next find a lamb and kill it. Wipe some of its blood
on the patient's right ear, thumb, and big toe. Sprinkle seven times with oil and
wipe some of the oil on his right ear, thumb and big toe. Repeat. Finally kill a
couple doves and offer one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering.
14:2-52

Numbers

62. The Israelite population went from seventy (Ex.1:5) to several million
(over 600,000 adult males) in just a few generations! 1:45-46

63. God sends quails to feed his people until they were "two cubits [about a
meter] high upon the face of the earth." Taking the "face of the earth" to be a
circle with a radius of say 30 kilometers (an approximate day's journey), this
would amount to 3 trillion (3x1012) liters of quails. At 2 quails per liter, this
would provide a couple million quails for each of several million people. 11:31

64. God strikes Miriam with leprosy. (In the Bible, leprosy is caused by the
wrath of God or the malice of Satan.) 12:10

65. "And there we saw the giants ... And we were in our own sight as
grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight." This statement may have been
figurative, hyperbole, typical biblical exaggeration, or an actual description of
the sons of Anak, in which case they must have been about 100 meters tall.
These are the same giants (the Nephilium) that resulted when the "sons of
God" mated with "the daughters of men in Gen.6:4. Of course these
superhuman god-men should have been destroyed in the flood. So what are
they doing still alive? 13:33

66. It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a
journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 14:33,
32:13

67. God's cure for snakebite: a brass serpent on a pole. 21:8

68. God has "the strength of a unicorn." Oh heck, I bet he's even stronger
than a unicorn. 23:22, 24:8

Deuteronomy

69. It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a
journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 2:7, 8:2,
29:5

70. "A land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time." (They must have been
much more common back then.) 2:10-11, 20-21

71. Og, the king of the giants, was a tall man, even by NBA standards. His
bed measured 9 by 4 cubits (13.5 feet long and 6 feet wide). 3:11

72. God promises to cast out seven nations including the Amorites,
Canaanites, and the Jebusites. But he was unable to fulfill his promise. These
nations were "greater and mightier" than the Israelites, who according to
Ex.12:37 and Num.1:45-46 already had numbered several million. So the
region, according to the bible, must have had a population of more than
twenty million! 7:1

73. This verse mistakenly says that the hare chews its cud. 14:7-8

74. To the biblical God, a bat is just an another unclean bird. 14:11, 18

75. "An eagle ... beareth them on her wings."
Do eagles carry their young on their wings? I know of no evidence (except
for the single anecdote provided here) that they do. 32:11

76. "Their wine is the poison of dragons." I wonder what genus and species
the bible is referring to when it mentions dragons. 32:33

77. Joseph's "horns are like the horns of a unicorn." 33:17

Joshua

78. It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a
journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 5:6

79. In Joshua 8 the Israelites destroy Ai and make it a desolate heap. But Ai
was an abandoned city by the time of the Israelites and this story is a myth
invented to explain the ruins of an ancient city that the Israelites encountered.
See Archaeology and Biblical Accuracy by Farrell Till. 8:1-29

80. This verse says that Ai was never again occupied after it was destroyed
by Joshua. But Nehemiah (7:32) lists it among the cities of Israel at the time of
the Babylonian captivity. 8:28

81. In a divine type of daylight savings time, God makes the sun stand still
so that Joshua can get all his killing done before dark. 10:12-13

82. "And the coast of Og king of Bashan, which as of the remnant of the
giants...." 12:4, 18:6

Judges

83. "The stars in their courses fought against Sisera." Unless astrology is
true, how can the stars affect the outcome of a battle? 5:20

84. "As the sun ... goeth forth in his might." The sun, according to the bible,
goes around the earth. 5:31

Ruth (None)

1 Samuel
85. "The pillars of the earth are the LORD's, and he hath set the world upon
them. 2:8

86. "So Samuel called unto the LORD; and the LORD sent thunder and
rain." 12:18

87. Goliath was ten feet tall ("six cubits and a span"). 17:4

2 Samuel

88. "He weighed the hair of his head at two hundred shekels."
Absalom's hair was heavy upon him 14:25-26

89. In what is surely a biblical exaggeration, we are told that "the servants of
David" killed 20,000 soldiers in one day. And that "the wood [forest] devoured
more people that day than the sword devoured." It must have been spooky
forest to have devoured more than 20,000 soldiers. There were probably lots
of lions and tigers and bears. (Oh my!)18:7-8

90. A giant with six fingers and six toes. 21:20

91. "There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth."
What happens when God gets mad? The earth shakes, the foundations of
heaven move, smoke comes out of his nostrils, and fire out of his
mouth."22:8-9

92. "The foundations of the world were discovered ... at the blast of the
breath of his nostrils." 22:16

93. How many soldiers did Israel have? This verse says that Judah and
Israel had a total of 1,300,000 fighting men (1 Chr.21:5 says 1,570,000) in this
battle. Of course, this is a ridiculously high number for a battle between two
tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about 1.37 million active
duty soldiers in 2001.) 24:9

1 Kings

94. This verse implies that the value of p is 3. (The actual value is
approximately 3.14159.)
Good Math, Bad Math: Innumerate Fundamentalists and p
7:23

95. God creates droughts by causing "heaven to shut up" as a punishment
for sin. 8:35

96. Ever the playful spirit, God withers, and then restores, the hand of king
Jeroboam. 13:4

2 Kings
97. God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha's
bald head. 2:23-24

98. Elisha restores the life of a dead child, but only after laying on him a
couple of times, putting his mouth on the child's mouth, his eyes on the child's
eyes, and his hands on the child's hands. Finally, the child responds by
sneezing seven times.
Was this a miraculous healing or artificial respiration? 4:32-35

99. Elisha cures a leper, but only after the leper dips himself seven times in
the Jordan. 5:14

100. Elisha not only can cure leprosy, he can also dish it out. Here he makes
his servant (Gehazi) and all his descendants lepers forever. 5:27

101. A dead body is brought to life when it accidentally touches the bones of
Elisha. 13:21

102. "So, king of Egypt"
There was no king of Egypt of the time named "So" or with any similar
name. 17:4

103. Take a lump of figs. And they took and laid it on the boil, and he
recovered." 20:7

104. Isaiah, with a little help from God, makes the sun move backwards ten
degrees. Now that's quite a trick. All at once, the earth stopped spinning and
then reversed its direction of rotation. Or maybe the sun traveled around the
earth in those days! 20:11

1 Chronicles

105. Some creationists believe that this verse (and Gen.10:25) refers to
continental drift, which, they say, began to occur during the days of Pelag
(which means "division"), about 100 or so years after the flood. 1:19

106. "The earth ... shall be stable, that it be not moved." It doesn't spin on its
axis or travel about the sun. 16:30

107. According to this verse David's army had 1,100,000 men from Israel and
470,000 men from Judah, Of course, this numbers is ridiculously high for a
battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about
1.37 million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 21:5 David provides Solomon with a
fantastically large amount of gold and silver with which to build the temple:
100,000 talents of gold and 1,000,000 talents of silver. Since a talent was
about 60 pounds, this would be about 3,000 tons of gold and 30,000 tons of
silver. 22:14

108. King David collects ten thousand drams (or darics) for the construction
of the temple in Jerusalem. This is especially interesting since darics were
coins named after King Darius I who lived some five hundred years after
David. 29:7

109. As usual, the reported amounts of gold, silver, and iron are grossly
exaggerated. (100,000 talents of iron, for example, would be about 34 million
kilograms.) 29:7

2 Chronicles

110. Since the molten sea was round with a diameter of ten cubits and a
circumference of thirty cubits, we know that the biblical value of p is 3. (The
actual value is approximately 3.14159.) 4:2

111. Abijah spoke to 1,200,000 soldiers at one time. (He had a really loud
voice.) 13:3-4

112. 500,000 soldiers die in a single God-assisted slaughter. 13:16-17

113. In the largest single God-assisted massacre in the bible, Asa, with God's
help, kills one million Ethiopians. 14:8-14

114. Asa, when he had a foot disease, went to physicians instead of seeking
the Lord. (God disapproves of those who seek medical help rather than
"seeking the Lord.") 16:12

115. God makes Uzziah a leper for burning incense without a license. 26:19-
21

Ezra

116. In the house of the rolls ... in Babylon" This is the only library building
mentioned in the Bible. The author mistakenly thought that Media was a part
of Babylon. 6:1-2

Nehemiah (None)

Esther

117. "Haman thought in his heart." Most people think with their heads, but
biblical folks think with their hearts. 6:6

Job

118. The earth rests upon pillars and doesn't move (unless God gets angry or
something). 9:6

119. "Which commandeth the sun, and it riseth not."
The earth is fixed and the sun travels about it. 9:7

120. "The measure thereof is longer than the earth."
(What is the length of a sphere?) 11:9

121. Heaven is set upon pillars that tremble when God gets mad. 26:11

122. "By the breath of God frost is given." 37:10

123. The earth is set on foundations and it does not move. 38:4-6

124. "That it might take hold of the ends of the earth, that the wicked might be
shaken out of it."
God could (if he wanted to) pick up the earth by its ends and shake all the
wicked people off of it.
38:13

125. God has snow and hail all stored up to use later "in time of trouble.
38:22

126. God spread out the sky, which is a solid structure, hard and strong like a
mirror. 37:18

127. Wilt thou hunt the prey for the lion?"
God seems pleased to have created prey for lions and ravens to eat.
38:39-41

128. Ostriches are not cruel and stupid birds who abandon their eggs to die
after laying them, as these verses imply. They are, in fact, careful and
attentive parents. The male scoops out a hollow for the eggs, which are
incubated by the female during the day and the male at night. After the eggs
are hatched, they are cared for by the mother for over a month, at which time
the chicks can keep up with running adults. 39:13-16

129. The bible is wrong about ostriches being cruel and inattentive parents
(39:13-16). But if they were, whose fault would it be? Why would God deprive
them of the tools that are needed to do the job right? 39:17

130. "The eagle ... seeketh the prey.... Her young ones suck up blood."
God is pleased with the way that predators kill and devour their prey.
39:27-30

131. Bible believers have identified the behemoth as a hippopotamus,
dinosaur, wildebeest, or crocodile. But my favorite is the way these verses are
translated by Stephen Mitchell: "Look now: the Beast that I made: he eats
grass like a bull. Look: the power in his thighs, the pulsing sinews of his belly.
His penis stiffens like a pine; his testicles bulge with vigor." 40:15-16

132. "Canst thou draw out leviathan with an hook? or his tongue with a
cord?" 41:1-34

133. "His [the leviathan's] teeth are terrible round about."
God has equipped predators with teeth that tear the flesh of their prey.
41:14

Psalms

134. "The righteous God trieth the hearts and reins."
Jesus will search your kidneys 7:9

135. "My reins also instruct me in the night seasons."
Jesus will search your kidneys 16:7

136. The earth shakes whenever God really gets mad. 18:7

137. "The foundations of the world were discovered ... at the blast of the
breath of thy nostrils." (The earth is set on firm foundations and does not
move -- unless God blows his nose.) 18:15

138. "The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament sheweth his
handywork." 19:1

139. The sun moves around the earth. 19:4-6

140. "Try my reins and my heart."
Jesus will search your kidneys 26:2

141. From his seat in heaven, God can see the whole earth and all its
inhabitants.
(He sits directly above the earth, which is a flat disc below him.) 33:14-15

142. Diseases are sent by God to punish sin. 38:3

143. "I know all the fowls of the mountains: and the wild beasts of the field
are mine. ... The world is mine, and the fulness thereof."
God takes credit for the entire creation. Preadators, prey, parasite, and
host: God purposefully designed them all. 50:11-12

144. According to the psalmist, snails melt. But they don't, of course, they
simply leave a slimy trail as they move along. 58:8

145. "I was pricked in my reins."
Jesus will search your kidneys 73:21

146. God is so strong that he can break the head of dragons and of leviathan.
74:13-14

147. "Thou has set all the borders of the earth"
A spherical earth has no borders. 74:17

148. God holds the earth up with pillars. 75:3
149. Another reference to "the foundations of the earth", implying that the
earth is fixed and does not move. 82:5

150. "I will make mention of Rahab"
Rahab is a sea-demon or dragon from ancient Jewish folklore. 87:4

151. "Thou hast broken Rahab [the sea monster] in pieces." 89:10

152. "The world also is established, that it cannot be moved." 93:1

153. "The world also shall be established that it shall not be moved." 96:10

154. "The Lord ... who healeth all thy diseases." God heals all diseases.
Medical science is unnecessary. 103:2-3

155. "God ... who stretchest out the heavens like a curtain" (The earth is
stationary and does not orbit the sun.) 104:5 "The young lions roar after their
prey, and seek their meat from God."
God gives the lions their meat. The cruelty and brutality of nature are all
part of God's plan.

156. "In wisdom hast thou made them all." 104:24

157. God is offended by those who make things with their hands or invent
things with their minds. 106:39

158. "The LORD is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works."
Then why do nearly all animals die painful deaths from starvation, predation,
or disease long before they reach adulthood? 145:9

159. God "satisfiest the desire of every living thing." But in nature few needs
are met and few desires are satisfied. Life is short, hard, cruel, and painful for
nearly every living thing. 145:17

160. "He calleth them all by their names."
God knows how many stars there are and knows them all by name. That's
pretty impressive since there are 100 billion or so gallaxies, each containing
about 100 billion stars. 147:7

161. "Praise him in the firmament of his power." 150:1

Proverbs

162. "Lean not unto thine own understanding." Don't try to understand things;
just accept whatever the bible and your religious leaders tell you. 3:5

163. "As he thinketh in his heart"
In the Bible, people think with their hearts not with their heads. 23:7

164. "Yea, my reins shall rejoice."
Jesus will search your kidneys 23:16

Ecclesiastes

165. "The sun also ariseth"
Although this verse is interpreted figuratively today, it was taken literally by
virtually all Christians until the Copernican revolution, and was used by the
Church to condemn Galileo for teaching the heliocentric heresy. 1:5

166. "The place from whence the rivers come, thither they return again."
Good description of the water cycle. 1:7

167. "He hath made every thing beautiful."
Everything is beautiful in its own way. Parasitic worms, cancer cells,
bubonic plague. You just have to look at it from God's eyes. 3:11

168. "No man can find out the work that God maketh."
Science is impossible. We can learn nothing at all about the natural world.
3:11

Song of Solomon (None)

Isaiah

169. "Neither doth his heart think so"
In the Bible, people think with their hearts not their heads. 10:7

170. "The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb...." I wonder what will become of
the spiders. Will they be more friendly toward flies? And will the parasitic
wasps find another way to feed their larvae? Or will they continue to feed off
the living bodies of caterpillars? 11:6, 65:25

171. "And the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice' den." A
cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a cock's egg, that can kill with a glance.
They are rare nowadays. 11:8

172. God will gather up the people of Judea "from the four corners of the
earth." In the Bible's view, the earth is flat with four corners. 11:12

173. According to the Bible, the moon produces its own light and the earth
does not move. 13:10

174. When God gets really angry, he causes earthquakes. 13:13

175. Dragons will live in Babylonian palaces and satyrs will dance there.
13:21-22

176. Out of the serpent's root shall come forth a cockatrice, and his fruit shall
be a fiery flying serpent." What ever happened to these fascinating biblical
creatures? 14:29
177. God will turn the earth upside down, knock it off of its foundations, and
then shake and bake it until it "reels to and fro like a drunkard." 24:1, 18-20

178. God will punish the leviathan ("that crooked serpent") with his own
sword and will kill the sea dragon. 27:1

179. Natural disasters (earthquakes, storms, fires, tsunamis) are caused by,
and are a sign of, God's wrath. 29:7

180. Among the many strange creatures mentioned in the Bible that no
longer seem to exist is the "fiery flying serpent." 30:6

181. "The light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun, and the light of the
sun shall be sevenfold." Well, this is one prophecy that will never come true.
Since the moon has no light of its own, but only reflects that of the sun, it
could never shine like the sun. And the sun will not, at least not while there
are humans to see it, shine 7 times as bright as it does now. 30:26

182. "The host of heaven shall be dissolved ... and ... shall fall down."
The stars will dissolve and fall from the sky. 34:4

183. "And the unicorns shall come down with them." 34:7

184. Dragons and satyrs may not seem real to you, but they did to the author
of these verses. 34:13-14

185. God makes the sun move backwards 10 degrees. Now that's a neat
trick! 38:8

186. The earth is a flat disc that God looks down upon from his throne in
heaven. 40:22

187. Dragons and owls will thank God for irrigation. 43:20

188. "My counsel shall stand, and I will do all my pleasure."
Unlike the god of the process theologians, the God of Isaiah is in full
control of his creation; he has pre-ordained everything. 46:10-11

189. God cut Rahab (the sea monster) to pieces, wounded the dragon, and
dried up the sea. 51:9-10

190. Bad people hatch poisonous cockatrice eggs. Whoever eats the eggs
will die, and when the eggs are crushed a viper hatches out of them. 59:5

191. "Neither for brightness shall the moon give light unto thee." Of course
the moon doesn't give off light, but only reflects the light from the sun. 60:19

192. Immortal worms: "Their worm shall not die" 66:24
Jeremiah

193. Droughts are punishments from God. 3:3

194. "I will send serpents, cockatrices among you, which will not be charmed,
and they shall bite you." A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a cock's egg,
that can kill with a glance. They are rare nowadays. 8:17

195. When God gets angry, the earth trembles. (That's what causes
earthquakes.) 10:10

196. "O LORD of hosts ... that triest the reins and the heart"
Jesus will search your kidneys 11:20

197. The wild asses "snuffed up the wind like dragons." 14:6

198. "I try the reins."
Jesus will search your kidneys 17:10

199. "O LORD of hosts, that ... seest the reins."
Jesus will search your kidneys 20:12

200. The earth is set on foundations and does not move. 31:37

Lamentations

201. Ostriches are not cruel and inattentive parents, as this verse implies.
They are, in fact, careful and attentive parents. The male scoops out a hollow
for the eggs, which are incubated by the female during the day and the male
at night. After the eggs are hatched, they are cared for by the mother for over
a month, at which time the chicks can keep up with running adults. 4:3

Ezekiel

202. "The firmament ... the terrible crystal, stretched forth over their heads
above." 1:22

203. The world is flat and has four corners. 7:2

204. The firmament is over the heads of the cherubim. 10:1

205. God "will cover the sun with a cloud, and the moon shall not give her
light." To Ezekiel, the sun is just a little light that can be covered with a cloud,
and the moon produces its own light. 32:7

Daniel

206. The third year of the reign of Jehoiakim would be 606 BCE, at which
time Nebuchadnezzar was not yet king of Babylon. It was 597 BCE that
Nebuchadnezzar invaded Jerusalem for the first time (without actually
destroying it). By that time Jehohiakim was dead and his son, Jehoiachin, was
ruling. 1:1

207. The stone became "a great mountain" that "filled the whole earth." This
could only be possible on a flat, disc-shaped earth. 2:35

208. Daniel's tree is tall enough to be seen from "the end of all the earth."
Only on a flat earth would this be possible. 4:10-11, 20

209. "Belshazzar the king"
Apparently, the author of Daniel knew of only two Babylonian kings during
the period of the exile: Nebuchadnezzar and Belshazzar, who he wrongly
thought was the son of Nebuchadnezzar. But Nebuchadnezzar died in 562
BCE and was succeeded by his son, Awil-Marduk (referred to in the bible as
"Evilmerodach" [see 2 Kg.25:27 and Jer.52:31]). In 560 BCE, Amel-Marduk
was assassinated by his brother-in-law, Nergal-shar-usur. The next and last
king of Babylon was Nabonidus who reigned from 556 to 539, when Babylon
was conquered by Cyrus. It was Nabonidus, and not Belshazzar, who was the
last of the Babylonian kings. Belshazzar was a the son and viceroy of
Nabonidus. But he was not a king, and was not the son (or any other relation)
of Nebuchadnezzar. 5:1-2,11,18,22

210. Darius the Median is a fictitious character whom the author perhaps
confused with Darius I of Persia, who came to the throne in 521 BCE, 17
years after the fall of Babylon. The author of Daniel incorrectly makes him the
successor of Belshazzar instead of Cyrus. 5:31

211. To Daniel, the stars are small objects that can fall from the sky and then
be "stamped upon." 8:10

212. "They ... shall shine as the brightness of the firmament." 12:3

Hosea (None)

Joel

213. "The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood." These
"signs" were a lot more impressive before the causes of solar and lunar
eclipses were understood. 2:31

Amos

214. God destroyed the Amorites who were a race of giants as tall as cedars
and as strong as oaks. 2:9

215. It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a
journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 2:10
216. God will "slay the last of them with the sword." Any that try to escape by
diving to the bottom of the sea will be bitten, at God's command, by a sea-
serpent. 9:1-4

Obadiah (None)

Jonah

217. God makes "a great fish" to swallow Jonah. And Jonah stayed in the
fish's belly for three days and three nights. 1:17

218. "Now Nineveh was an exceeding great city of three days' journey." That
would make it about 60 miles in diameter -- larger than Los Angeles! 3:3

Micah

219. The earth is set upon strong foundations and therefore does not move.
6:2

Nahum

220. "The clouds are the dust of his feet." 1:3

221. Tornadoes, earthquakes, and fires are caused by God and are signs of
his anger. 1:5

Habakkuk

222. The Chaldeans' horses were faster than leopards and more fierce than
wolves. 1:8

223. "The sun and moon stood still in their habitation." This verse apparently
refers to Joshua 10:12-13, where God makes the sun stand still. 3:11

Zephaniah (None)

Haggai (None)

Zechariah (None)

Malachi (None)

Matthew

224. When was Jesus born? 2:1

225. "The star ... went before them."
If the star "went before them," leading them to Bethlehem, then it couldn't
have been a star or any other astronomical object or event. But Matthew
couldn't have known that. Everyone at the time thought that stars were just
little points of light a short distance above the earth. It'd be no problem to
have one hover above a particular place for a while. 2:9

226. Herod kills all boys in and around Bethlehem that are two years old and
under. Such a massacre would certainly have been noted by contemporary
historians. Yet not even Josephus, who documented Herod's life in detail,
mentioned this event. 2:16

227. The devil kidnaps Jesus and takes him up to the top of the temple, and
then to the top of "an exceedingly high mountain," high enough to see "all the
kingdoms of the world." I guess the earth was flat in those days. 4:8

228. "Behold the fowls of the air...." Jesus says that God feeds them. But, if
so, he does one hell of a lousy job at it. Most birds die before leaving the nest,
and the few who manage to fly soon die painful deaths of starvation,
predation, or disease. If God is caring for them, pray that he stays away from
you. 6:26

229. Speaking of the birds, Jesus asks: "Are ye not much better than they?"
This is meant as a rhetorical question, but the answer is far from obvious to
me. I guess to Jesus, though, birds are not worth much compared to humans.
So you can do whatever the hell you want with (and to) them. 6:26

230. "Wherefore think ye evil in your hearts?"
In the Bible, people think with their hearts not their heads. 9:4

231. "Thy faith hath made thee whole."
If you have enough faith, you will never get sick.
(Illness is caused by sin and lack of faith. Medical science is
unnecessary.) 9:22

232. According to Matthew, people who cannot speak are possessed by the
devil. 9:32-33

233. Jesus gives his disciples "power against unclean spirits, to cast them
out, and to heal all manner of sickness." 10:1

234. Jesus tells his disciples to perform all the usual tricks: "heal the sick,
cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, and cast out devils." 10:8

235. God is involved in the death of every sparrow. He sees to it that they
each die painful deaths of starvation, predation, or disease. But don't worry.
God will do the same for you. (He thinks that humans are worth much more
than sparrows.) 10:29. 31

236. Jesus casts out a devil from a man who was blind and dumb. (Thos we
are unable to see or hear are possessed by devils.) 12:22

237. "An enemy hath done this."
Some Christians believe that the natural evil in the world (predators,
parasites, pain, death) is due to Satan, not God. 13:28

238. Jesus is incorrect when he says that the mustard seed is the smallest
seed. And since there are no trees in the mustard family, mustard seeds do
not grow into "the greatest of all trees." 13:31-32

239. Jesus cures an epileptic "lunatic" by "rebuking the devil." (Epilepsy is
caused by devils.) 17:15-18

240. "The moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven."
Apparently, Jesus believed that the moon produces its own light, and that the
stars are lights held in place by a firmament only a few miles above our
heads. 24:29

241. Jesus believed that Noah's flood actually happened. 24:37

242. When Jesus was crucified, there was three hours of complete darkness
"over all the land." And when he died, there was a great earthquake with
many corpses walking the streets of Jerusalem. It is strange that there is no
record of any of these extraordinary events outside of the gospels. 27:45, 51-
53

Mark

243. Jesus is incorrect when he says that the mustard seed is the smallest
seed. (The smallest seeds are found among the tropical, epiphytic orchids.)
4:31

244. "A certain woman ... had an issue of blood twelve years...."
So this is where all those phony faith-healing stories came from! Notice
that the doctors made her condition worse, but she was instantly cured by
faith. 5:25-29

245. "Thy faith hath made thee whole." If you have enough faith, you will
never get sick. (Illness is caused by sin and lack of faith. Medical science is
unnecessary.) 5:34

246. "And they cast out many devils, and anointed with oil many that were
sick, and healed them." 6:13

247. Jesus heals a boy with "a dumb spirit" by saying, "Thou dumb and deaf
spirit, I charge thee, come out of him and enter no more into him." (Sounds
like a script from Monty Python, doesn't it?) But how could a deaf spirit hear
the words spoken to it? And how could a dumb spirit cry out? 9:17, 25-26

248. Immortal worms: "Where their worm dieth not" 9:44, 46, 48

249. "But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and
female."
Jesus believed that sex and Adam and Eve were created "from the
beginning." But the universe is about 13.6 billion years old, the earth 4.6
billion, sex a billion years or so, and humans (depending on how you define
"human") for a couple million years. 10:6

250. "In those days ... the moon shall not give her light, and the stars of
heaven shall fall." Of course this is nonsense. The billions of stars will never
fall to earth and the moon does not produce its own light. 13:24-25

251. When Jesus was crucified, there was three hours of complete darkness
"over the whole land." It is strange that there is no record of this extraordinary
event outside of the gospels. 15:33

Luke

252. When was Jesus born? 2:1

253. The devil takes Jesus to the top of a mountain and shows him "all the
kingdoms of the world." I guess the world was flat in those days. 4:5

254. "Thy faith hath made thee whole."
If you have enough faith, you will never get sick.
(Illness is caused by sin and lack of faith. Medical science is
unnecessary.) 8:48

255. Epilepsy is caused by devils. 9:39

256. People who cannot speak are possessed with devils. 11:14

257. Illnesses are caused by Satan. 13:11-16

258. Jesus believed the story of Noah's ark. 17:26-27

259. Jesus also believes the story about Sodom's destruction. He says,
"even thus shall it be in the day the son of man is revealed." This tells us
about Jesus' knowledge of science and history. 17:29-32

260. "And there shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon, and in the stars."
21:25

261. When Jesus was crucified, there was three hours of complete darkness
"over all the earth." It is strange that there is no record of this extraordinary
event outside of the gospels. 23:44-45

John

262. "These things were done in Bethabara beyond Jordan, where John was
baptizing." But no such site is known in history. Some translations (ASV, NAB,
NIV, RSV, NRSV) rename Bethabara as Bethany, but Bethany is a suburb of
Jerusalem and, therefore, not "beyond the Jordan." 1:28
263. "The wind bloeth where it listeth."
Jesus says that no one knows which way the wind is blowing. But, of
course, he was wrong about that. The direction and speed of the wind are
easily measured. 3:8

264. "If I have told you earthly things, and ye believe not, how shall ye
believe, if I tell you of heavenly things?"
Good question, Jesus! He was wrong about creation in Mk.10:6, wrong
about the flood in Lk.17:26-27, and wrong about the smallest seed in
Mt.13:31-32. So why would anyone believe him when he talks about heaven
in Jn.3:16? 3:12

265. Whoever enters a pool after it is stirred up by angels will be cured of
"whatsoever disease he had." 5:4

266. Jesus believes people are crippled by God as a punishment for sin. He
tells a crippled man, after healing him, to "sin no more, lest a worse thing
come unto thee." 5:14

267. The disciples ask Jesus about the cause of a man's blindness. Was it
because he or his parents sinned? Jesus said neither had sinned. The man
was born blind so that Jesus could show off his powers by curing him of his
blindness. 9:1-3

268. A blind man's sight is restored by washing in the pool of Siloam. 9:7

Acts

269. "Ye men of Galilee, why stand ye gazing up into heaven?"
This verse was used by a Dominican friar to discourage the use of
Galileo's telescope. (Notice the pun on Galileo's name in "men of Galilee".)
1:11

270. "The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood."
It happens with every solar or lunar eclipse.2:20

271. The prophets have spoken "since the world began," which means that
humans have been around since the creation of the world. But humans are
recent arrivals on an ancient earth. There were no prophets when the earth
formed 4.6 billion years ago. 3:21

272. The sick were healed just by touching the shadow of Peter. 5:15-16

273. It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a
journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 7:36,
13:18

274. Sick people are oppressed by the devil. 10:38
275. Sick people were cured by touching the handkerchief or apron of Paul.
And the evil spirits when out of them." 19:12

276. Paul is bitten by a poisonous snake and yet lives. The "barbarians" who
were shipwrecked with him thought he must be a murderer since he was
bitten; but then they changed their minds and thought him to be a god since
he didn't die. (The snake story is especially interesting since there are no
poisonous snakes on Malta, and there is no evidence of their existence in the
past.) 28:3-8

277. By praying and touching the sick people of Malta, Paul cures them of
their diseases. 28:8-9

Romans

278. The existence and nature of God are self-evident. 1:20

279. The Religious Right often uses Romans 1:21-25 to condemn
environmentalists. 1:21-25

280. Paul claims that before Adam sinned death did not exist. But, of course,
death didn't enter the world a few thousand years ago because of Adam's sin.
Death has been a part of life since life first arose (on this planet, at least) a
few billion years ago. 5:12

281. "The whole creation groaneth and travaileth in pain together until now."
Some Christians use this verse to show that we live in a sin cursed world.
(But others disagree.) 8:22

282. Paul says that everyone, even in his day, had the gospel preached to
them. Even the Native Americans, Asians, Pacific Islanders? 10:18

1 Corinthians

283. "In Adam all die."
Nothing died before Adam sinned. 15:22

284. Paul shows his ignorance (and God's) of biology by saying that only
dead seeds will germinate. Actually, a seed must be alive to germinate. 15:36

285. "All flesh is not the same flesh: but there is one kind of flesh of men,
another of beasts."
This verse is used by Creationists to argue against both evolution and any
attempt to create "human-animal hybrids" or "chimeras." 15:39

286. "The first man Adam"
Young Earth Creationists use this verse to support a literal reading of
Genesis. "If we cannot believe in the First Adam, why believe in the Last
[Christ]?" 15:45
287. "And afterward that which is spiritual."
Asa Gray, the foremost American botanist in the 19th century and close
friend of Charles Darwin, used this verse to support the idea that the Bible is
not inconsistent with human evolution. 15:46

2 Corinthians
288. "As the serpent beguiled Eve"
Young Earth Creationists use this verse to show that Paul believed the
creation story in Gen.3:1-6. 11:3

Galatians (None)

Ephesians

289. Satan is the "prince of the power of the air." Until modern times
Christians believed that Satan was responsible for storms and droughts. 2:2

Philippians (None)

Colossians

290. "For by him were all things created.... All things were created by him,
and for him.... And by him all things consist." Including guinea worms? 1:16-17

1 Thessalonians (None)

2 Thessalonians (None)

1 Timothy

291. "For Adam was first formed, then Eve." Young Earth Creationists use
this verse to show that Paul believed the creation story in Gen.2:18-22. 2:13

292. "Every creature of God is good."
Even guinea worms?

293. Avoid science, especially that which disagrees with Paul ("science
falsely so called"). Other versions translate this phrase as "false knowledge",
which may be more correct. However many fundamentalist Christians still use
this verse ("science falsely so called") to justify their rejection of any idea,
scientific or otherwise, they believe contradicts the bible. 6:20

2 Timothy (None)

Titus (None)

Philemon (None)

Hebrews
294. God set the earth on a foundation; therefore, it does not move. 1:10

James

295. James says that, even in his day, all beasts, birds, serpents, and sea
creatures had been tamed by humans. 3:7

296. If you are sick, rely on the power of prayer. It works every time. 5:14-15

297. By praying, Elias was able to keep it from raining for three and a half
years. 5:17

1 Peter (None)

2 Peter

298. Those who disbelieve in the Bible's creation and flood stories are
"willingly ignorant." 3:5

299. "God ... spared not the old world, but saved Noah."
Young Earth Creationists use this verse to show that the New Testament
authors believed in the flood story. (So you should too.) 2:4-5

1 John (None)

2 John (None)

3 John (None)

Jude (None)

Revelation

300. "Behold, he cometh with clouds; and every eye shall see him." This
could only happen on a flat earth. 1:7

301. Jesus holds seven stars in his hand. Of course, it is possible that this is
metaphorical. Perhaps. But it is clear from other verses (6:13, 8:10, 12:4) that
John thought of stars as being small, perhaps even small enough for Jesus to
hold in his hand. 1:16

302. "I am he which searcheth the reins and hearts."
Jesus will search your kidneys 2:23

303. "Thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were
created." God created predators, pathogens, and predators for his very own
pleasure. One of his favorite species is guinea worms. 4:11
304. The sixth seal is opened and there is a great earthquake, the sun
becomes black, and the moon red, the stars fall from heaven, and mountains
and islands move around. 6:12-14

305. "And the stars of heaven fell unto the earth...." To John, the stars are just
little lights a few miles away that can easily fall to the earth. 6:13

306. John "saw four angels standing on the four corners of the earth." Well, I
guess that settles it: the earth is flat and square-shaped, or at least
quadrilateral in shape. 7:1

307. An angel threw the censer down to earth, causing thunder, lightning, and
earthquakes. 8:5

308. "And there fell a great star from heaven, burning as it were a lamp, and
it fell upon the third part of the rivers, and upon the fountains of waters." In the
bible, stars are just little lights that can fall to the ground from the sky. 8:10

309. The fourth trumpet smites one third of the sun, moon, and stars. 8:12

310. "I saw a star fall from heaven unto the earth." 9:1

311. God's witnesses have special powers. They can shut up heaven so that
it cannot rain, turn rivers into blood, and smite the earth with plagues "as often
as they will." 11:6

312. The dragon's tail smacks down to earth one third of the stars. To the
author of Revelation, the stars are just little lights that can fall to the ground
from the sky. 12:4

313. "And there was no more sea."
For an old sailor like me, this verse, if it were true, would be one of the
saddest verses in the bible. 21:1
Biblical Family Values
Behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring
out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto
you.--Judges 19:24

Genesis

1. Because God liked Abel's animal sacrifice more than Cain's vegetables,
Cain kills his brother Abel in a fit of religious jealousy. 4:8

2. Lamech is the first of a long line of biblical men with more than one wife.
It seems that God approves of such marriages. 4:19

3. The "just and righteous" Noah (6:9, 7:1) plants a vineyard, gets drunk,
and lies around naked in his tent. His son, Ham, happens to see his father in
this condition. When Noah sobers up and hears "what his young son had
done unto him" (what did he do besides look at him?), he curses not Ham,
who "saw the nakedness of his father," but Ham's son, Canaan. "A servant of
servants shall he [Canaan] be unto his brethren." 9:20-25

4. "And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had
done unto him."
What did Ham do? Did he just look at his naked father or was there
something more to it than that? Some commentators have suggested that
Ham committed homosexual rape on his drunken father, and that this was
why Ham's descendants were eternally punished with slavery. 9:24

5. Abram makes his wife lie for him, by telling the Egyptians that she is his
sister. But at least it was half-true, since she was his half-sister. Such
incestuous marriages are condemned elsewhere in the Bible, but god makes
an exception for Abram and Sarai. (See Gen.17:15-16 where God blesses
their marriage.) 12:13

6. Sarai is the first of a long line of barren women who were desperate for
children. (In the Bible, it is the women who are barren, never the men.) She
sends Abram into her handmaid, Hagar, so that she can "obtain children by
her." Abram gladly complies. 16:1-4

7. Hagar conceives, making Sarai jealous. Abram tells Sarai to do to Hagar
whatever she wants. "And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled." 16:6

8. An uncircumcised boy is to be abandoned by his parents and community.
17:14

9. Lot refuses to give up his angels to the perverted mob, offering his two
"virgin daughters" instead. He tells the bunch of angel rapers to "do unto them
[his daughters] as is good in your eyes." This is the same man that is called
"just" and "righteous" in 2 Peter 2:7-8. 19:8
10. God kills everyone (men, women, children, infants, newborns) in Sodom
and Gomorrah by raining "fire and brimstone from the Lord out of heaven."
Well, almost everyone -- he spares the "just and righteous" Lot and his
family.19:24

11. Lot's nameless wife looks back, and God turns her into a pillar of salt.
19:26

12. Lot and his daughters camp out in a cave for a while. The daughters get
their "just and righteous" father drunk, and have sexual intercourse with him,
and each conceives and bears a son (wouldn't you know it!). Just another
wholesome family values Bible story. 19:30-38

13. Honest Abe does the same "she's my sister" routine again, for the same
cowardly reason. And once again, the king just couldn't resist Sarah -- even
though by now she is over 90 years old. (See Gen.12:13-20 for the first,
nearly identical, episode.) 20:2

14. God gets angry with king Abimelech, though the king hasn't even
touched Sarah. He says to the king, "Behold, thou art but a dead man," and
threatens to kill him and all of his people. To compensate for the crime he
never committed, Abimelech gives Abraham sheep, oxen, slaves, silver, and
land. Finally, after Abraham "prayed unto God," God lifts his punishment to
Abimelech, "for the Lord had fast closed up all the wombs of the house of
Abimelech, because of Sarah." 20:3-18

15. God "closed all the wombs" because Abimelech believed Abe's lie. 20:18

16. Abraham married his sister, and God blessed their marriage (17:15-16).
20:12

17. Sarah, after giving birth to Isaac, gets angry again at Hagar (Gen.16:5-6)
and tells Abraham to 'cast out this bondwoman and her son." God commands
Abraham to "hearken unto her voice." So Abraham abandons Hagar and
Ishmael, casting them out into the wilderness to die. 21:10-14

18. God orders Abraham to kill Isaac as a burnt offering. Abraham shows his
love for God by his willingness to murder his son. But finally, just before
Isaac's throat is slit, God provides a goat to kill instead. 22:2-13

19. Abraham shows his willingness to kill his son for God. Only an evil God
would ask a father to do that; only a bad father would be willing to do it. 22:10

20. Abraham had several concubines. 25:6

21. Isaac loved Esau because Esau was a hunter and Isaac loved venison.
Rebekah loved Jacob, but God hated Esau (see Rom.9:13). No reason is
given for why one son is loved while the other is hated. But since God chose
to act this way, it must have been as an example for parents to follow. Have
you decided which of your children to hate? 25:28

22. Isaac uses the same "she's my sister" lie that his father used so
effectively (see Gen.12:13, 20:2). 26:7

23. Esau "takes" two wives. 26:34

24. Jacob, with coaching from his mother, obtains Isaac's blessing by lying.
God seems to have been fooled as well. 27:19

25. Esau, who already had two wives (26:34), "takes" another. 28:9

26. Jacob offers to work for seven years to pay for Rachel. As it turns out, he
is tricked into having sex with her sister, Leah, instead, so he has to work for
another seven years so in order to pay for them both. 29:18-30

27. Jacob is tricked by Laban, the father of Rachel and Leah. Jacob asks for
Rachel so that he can "go in unto her." But Laban gives him Leah instead, and
Jacob "went in unto her [Leah]" by mistake. Jacob was fooled until morning --
apparently he didn't know who he was going in unto. Finally they worked
things out and Jacob got to "go in unto" Rachel, too. 29:21-30

28. Jacob goes in unto Leah by mistake. 29:23, 25

29. Jacob finally gets to "go in unto" Rachel. He loved Rachel more than
Leah. 29:30

30. Since Jacob hated Leah, God decided to "open her womb" and make
Rachel barren. (Like he did to Sarah and Rebekah.) 29:31

31. Leah conceives and bears four sons. And it's a good thing, too, since her
husband hated her until then for not giving him any sons. 29:32-34

32. "Give me children or else I die." Rachel considers herself worthless if she
cannot produce children for her husband. But luckily she has an idea. She
says to Jacob, "Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her." She solved the
problem the same way as did Sarah. (16:2) "And Jacob went in unto her."
30:1-4

33. Leah, not to be outdone, gives Jacob her maid (Zilpah) "to wife." And
Zilpah "bare Jacob a son." 30:9

34. Rachel trades her husband's favors for some mandrakes. And so, when
Jacob cam home, Leah said: "Thou must come in unto me, for surely I have
hired thee with my son's mandrakes. And he lay with her that night."
Presumably God, by telling us this edifying story, is teaching us something
about sexual ethics. 30:15-16
35. Leah thinks her husband will honor her now that she has given him six
sons. 30:20

36. "Then Jacob ... set his ... wives upon camels." Jacob had four wives (or
two wives and two concubines -- this distinction is not clear in the Bible):
Rachel, Leah, Billah, and Zilpah. There is no indication that God disapproves
of this arrangement. 31:17

37. Jacob has two wives and two concubines, continuing the biblical tradition
of polygamy. 32:22

38. Dinah, the daughter of Jacob, is "defiled" by a man who seems to love
her dearly. Her brothers trick all of the men of the town and kill them (after first
having them all circumcised), and then take their wives and children captive.
34:1-31

39. "Reuben went and lay with his father's concubine." 35:22, 49:4

40. Esau (Isaac's son) had several wives (continuing the tradition of
polygamy, with no editorial comment from the Bible). 36:2, 6

41. Jacob loved Joseph more than his other children, and he made it pretty
obvious. So the other kids in the family hated Joseph. (God didn't seem to
mind; he liked Joseph best, too.) 37:3-4

42. Judah has casual sex with a Canaanite woman which results in two
sons, Er and Onan. 38:2-4

43. After God killed Er, Judah tells Onan to "go in unto they brother's wife."
But "Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and ... when he went in unto
his brother's wife ... he spilled it on the ground.... And the thing which he did
displeased the Lord; wherefore he slew him also." This lovely Bible story is
seldom read in Sunday School, but it is the basis of many Christian doctrines,
including the condemnation of both masturbation and birth control. 38:8-10

44. Tamar (the widow of Er and Onan, who were killed by God) dresses up
as a prostitute and Judah (her father-in-law) propositions her, saying: "Let me
come in unto thee .... And he ... came in unto her, and she conceived by him."
38:13-18

45. After Judah pays Tamar for her services, he is told that she "played the
harlot" and "is with child by whoredom." When Judah hears this, he says,
"Bring her forth, and let her be burnt." 38:24

Exodus

46. God threatens to kill the Pharaoh's firstborn son. 4:23

47. Moses was the product of an incestuous marriage. 6:20
48. God tells Moses that he intends to "smite all the firstborn in the land of
Egypt, both man and beast." 12:12

49. After God has sufficiently hardened the Pharaoh's heart, he kills all the
firstborn Egyptian children. When he was finished "there was not a house
where there was not one dead." 12:29

50. Moses kisses his father-in-law (Jethro, Hobab, or Reul) and treats him as
though he were a king, but he completely ignores his wife (Zipporah, who in
Ex.4:24-26 saved him from God's attempt to murder him) and two sons. 18:6-
27

51. God says it's okay for slave owners to split up slave families. 21:4

52. How to sell your daughter -- and what to do if she fails to please her new
master. 21:7-8

53. God's instructions for taking a second wife. 21:10

54. A child who hits or curses his parents must be executed. 21:15, 17

55. If you "entice" an "unmarried maid" to "lie" with you, then you must marry
her, unless the father refuses to give her to you, in which case you must pay
him the going price for virgins. 22:16-17

56. If you make God angry enough, he will kill you and your family with his
own sword. 22:24

57. "The firstborn of thy sons thou shalt give unto me." (As a burnt offering?)
22:29

58. God tells the Israelites to kill their family and friends for dancing naked
around Aaron's golden calf. 32:27-28

59. God says that he visits "the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and
upon the children's children, unto the third and fourth generation." 34:7

Leviticus

60. God kills Aaron's sons for offering strange fire before the Lord 10:1-2

61. "And Aaron held his peace." Aaron just watched as his sons were burnt
to death by God. 10:1-3

62. Women are dirty and sinful after childbirth, so God prescribes rituals for
their purification. If a boy is born, the mother is unclean for 7 days and must
be purified for 33 days; but if a girl is born, the mother is unclean for 14 days
and be purified for 66 days. This is because, in the eyes of God, girls are
twice as dirty as boys. 12:1-5
63. After a woman gives birth, a priest must kill a lamb, pigeon, or dove as a
sin offering. This is because having children is sinful and God likes it when
things are killed for him. 12:6-8

64. "For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall surely be put to
death." Couldn't we try spanking first? 20:9

65. If a man has sex with his father's wife, kill them both. 20:11

66. If a man has sex with his daughter in law, kill them both. 20:12

67. If you "lie" with your wife and your mother-in-law (now that sounds fun!),
then all three of your must be burned to death. 20:14

68. Don't have sex with your sister, uncle's wife, or your brother's wife -- and
tell them to wear clothes whenever you're around. 20:17, 19-21

69. A priest's daughter who "plays the whore" is to be burned to death. 21:9

70. God tells the Israelites to make slaves out of their neighbors and their
families. The "heathens" and "strangers" are to be their possessions forever.
25:44-46

71. God describes the torments that he has planned for those who displease
him. The usual stuff: plagues, burning fevers that will consume the eyes, etc.
but he reserves the worst for the little children. He says "ye shall sow your
seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it," "I will send wild beasts among you,
which shall rob you of your children," and "ye shall eat the flesh of your sons
and daughters." 26:16-39

Numbers

72. Two of Aaron's sons are killed by God for "offering strange fire before the
Lord." 3:4

73. The Law of Jealousies. If a man suspects his wife of being unfaithful, he
reports it to the priest. The priest then makes her drink some "bitter water." If
she is guilty, the water makes her thigh rot and her belly swell. If innocent, no
harm done -- the woman is free and will "conceive seed." In any case, "the
man shall be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity."
5:11-31

74. Because of a dispute between Korah and Moses, God has the ground
open up and swallow Korah, Dathan, and Abiram "and their wives, and their
sons, and their little children." Then, just for the hell of it, God has a fire burn
to death 250 "men that offered incense." 16:20-35

75. Another God-assisted genocide: Bashan and all his people. 21:34-35
76. When one of the Israelite men brings home a foreign woman, "Phinehas
(Aaron's grandson) sees them and throws a spear "through the man .. and the
woman through her belly." This act pleases God so much that "the plague was
stayed from the children of Israel." But not before 24,000 had died. 25:6-9

77. For impaling the interracial couple, God rewards Phinehas and his sons
with the everlasting priesthood. 25:10-13

78. Under God's direction, Moses' army defeats the Midianites. They kill all
the adult males, but take the women and children captive. When Moses
learns that they left some live, he angrily says: "Have you saved all the
women alive? Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that
hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not
known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." So they went back
and did as Moses (and presumably God) instructed, killing everyone except
for the virgins. In this way they got 32,000 virgins -- Wow! (Even God gets
some of the booty -- including the virgins.) 31:1-54

79. God killed all the Egyptian firstborn. 33:4

Deuteronomy

80. At God's instructions, the Israelites "utterly destroyed the men, women,
and the little ones" leaving "none to remain." 2:33-36

81. The Israelites, with God's help, kill all the men, women, and children of
every city. 3:3-6

82. If your brother, son, daughter, wife, or friend tries to get you to worship
another god, "thou shalt surely kill him, thine hand shall be first upon him to
put him to death." 13:6-10

83. In the cities that god "delivers into thine hands" you must kill all the
males (including old men, boys, and babies) with "the edge of the sword ....
But the women ... shalt thou take unto yourself." 20:13

84. "But of the cities ... which the Lord thy God doth give thee for an
inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth." Kill the old men and
women, the sick and the dying, the blind and the lame, pregnant mothers,
nursing mothers, infants, toddlers, and babies. 20:16

85. If you see a pretty woman among the captives and would like her for a
wife, then just bring her home and "go in unto her." Later, if you decide you
don't like her, you can "let her go." 21:11-14

86. Rules for those who have two wives: "one beloved, and another hated."
21:15-17

87. How to treat your hated children. 21:15-17
88. If you have a "stubborn and rebellious son," then you and the other men
in your neighborhood "shall stone him with stones that he die." 21:18-21

89. If a man marries, then decides that he hates his wife, he can claim she
wasn't a virgin when they were married. If her father can't produce the "tokens
of her virginity" (bloody sheets), then the woman is to be stoned to death at
her father's doorstep. 22:13-21

90. If a betrothed virgin is raped in the city and doesn't cry out loud enough,
then "the men of the city shall stone her to death." 22:23-24

91. If a man rapes an unbetrothed virgin, he must pay her father 50 shekels
of silver and then marry her. 22:28-29

92. If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the other, "then
thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thine eye shall not pity her." 25:11-12

93. "Cursed shall be the fruit of thy body." 28:18

94. "Thou shalt betroth a wife, and another man shall lie with her." 28:30

95. Thy sons and thy daughters shall be given unto another people." 28:32

96. "Thou shalt begat sons and daughters, but thou shall not enjoy them; for
they shall go into captivity." 28:41

97. "All these curses shall come upon thee ... and upon thy seed for ever."
28:45

98. "And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and
of thy daughters." 28:53-55

99. "The tender and delicate woman" will be forced to eat her own children
"that cometh out from between her feet." 28:56-57

100. When God gets mad -- watch out! He'll starve you to death, burn you
with fire, and send vicious beasts to devour you. He'll "destroy both the young
man and the virgin, the suckling also with the man of gray hairs." Not even the
helpless and innocent are spared by this psychotic God. 32:21-26

Joshua

101. Joshua's spies visit and "came unto" a prostitute in Jericho. They
weren't very discreet about it either, since the King of Jericho soon found out
about it. The king's officials ask Rahab to "bring forth the men that are come
to thee." 2:1-4

102. "And the city shall be accursed ... and all that therein, to the Lord: only
Rahab the harlot shall live." 6:17
103. "And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and
woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the
sword." 6:21

104. After killing everyone in Jericho, "they burnt the city with fire, and all that
was therein." 6:24

105. Joshua says that those who try to rebuild Jericho will be accursed by
God, and will have to sacrifice both their oldest and their youngest sons in its
construction. 6:26

106. If you happen to see "the accursed thing," don't touch it. If you do, you,
your family, and all of your animals must be burned. 7:15

107. "And Joshua ... took Achan ... and his sons, and his daughters, and his
oxen, and his sheep... And all of Israel stoned them with stones, and burned
them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones." 7:24-26

108. Joshua and his army, per God's instructions, slaughter "all the
inhabitants of Ai." 8:22-26

109. Joshua, at God's command, kills everyone and everything that he can
find (including babies and little children)-- or, as the Bible puts it, he "utterly
destroyed all that breathed, as the Lord commanded." 10:28-32

110. God delivers the Hazorites into Joshua's hand, and he knows just what
to do with them: he smites them all with (you guessed it) the edge of the
sword until "there was not any left to breathe." 11:6-17
111. Caleb offers to give his daughter to whoever conquers the city of Debir.
Caleb's nephew wins the contest and is given his cousin for a prize. 15:16-17

Judges

112. Caleb offers to give his daughter to anyone who conquers the city of
Debir. Caleb's nephew wins the contest and is given his cousin for a prize.
1:12-13

113. Gideon orders his son to kill two kings, but he refuses. So Gideon has to
do it himself since his son isn't "man" enough to do it. 8:20

114. Abimelech kills 70 brothers "upon one stone." (He was trying to get in
the Guinness Book of World Records.) 9:5

115. When "the spirit of the Lord" comes upon Jephthah, he makes a deal
with God: If God will help him kill the Ammonites, then he (Jephthah) will offer
to God as a burnt offering whatever comes out of his house to greet him. God
keeps his end of the deal by providing Jephthah with "a very great slaughter."
But when Jephthah returns, his nameless daughter comes out to greet him
(who'd he expect, his wife?). Well, a deal's a deal, so he delivers her to God
as a burnt offering -- after letting her spend a couple of months going up and
down on the mountains bewailing her virginity. 11:29-39

116. Samson's father-in-law gave Samson's wife away to a friend, since he
thought Samson "hated" her. He suggests that Samson take his younger
daughter instead, saying the younger one's prettier anyway. 15:2

117. After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and
his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his
guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they
"abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and
dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an ass and takes her home. Then he
chops her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to each of the twelve
tribes of Israel. 19:22-30

118. To find wives for the Benjamites (they were unwilling to use their own
daughters), the other tribes attacked and killed all occupants of a city except
for the young virgins. These virgins were then given to the Benjamites for
wives. 21:7-23

Ruth

119. Naomi (Ruth's mother-in-law) advises Ruth as to how to best seduce
Boaz. She tells her to wait until he is a bit drunk and has fallen asleep. Then
"go in and uncover his feet [a biblical euphemism for male genitals], and lay
thee down; and he will tell thee what to do." 3:3-4

120. Ruth does as Naomi says, and then at midnight Boaz wakes up and
finds Ruth "at his feet." He asks who she is, and she says, "I am Ruth thine
handmaid: spread therefore your skirt over thine handmaid." 3:7-9

121. Boaz seems agreeable to the suggestion and says, "I will do thee all that
thou requirest." Next he asks her to "Tarry this night ... lie down until the
morning." so Ruth "lay at his feet until morning." 3:11-14

122. Boaz purchases Ruth to be his wife. 4:10

123. Boaz "went in unto" Ruth and "the Lord gave her conception, and she
bare a son." Another God-assisted conception results in a baby boy. 4:13

1 Samuel

124. "He [Samuel's father] had two wives." Once again, by its silence, the
Bible endorses polygamy. 1:2

125. "The Lord had shut up her [Hannah's] womb." Why? The Bible doesn't
say. Maybe God had nothing better to do. 1:5

126. The sons of Eli had sex with women "at the door of the tabernacle." 2:22
127. If you piss him off, God will cut off your arm, consume your eyes, grieve
your heart, and kill your sons and grandfathers. 2:31-34

128. God will punish Eli's descendants forever for the sins of Eli's sons. 3:12-
13

129. Samuel tells Eli that God will punish his descendants forever (3:12-13)
and Eli says, "Okay, whatever God wants is fine with me." 3:18

130. God orders Saul to kill all of the Amalekites: men, women, infants,
sucklings, ox, sheep, camels, and asses. 15:2-3

131. Saul killed everyone but Agag (the king) and the best of the animals. But
still God was furious with Saul for not killing everything as he had been told to
do. He said, "it repenteth me that I have set Saul up to be king." 15:7-26

132. Saul is rebuked by Samuel for "doing evil in the sight of the Lord" by
failing to kill all of the Amalekites. 15:18-19

133. Because Saul didn't kill everyone as God commanded, God changes his
mind about him being king. 15:23-26

134. David kills 200 Philistines and brings their foreskins to Saul to buy his
first wife (Saul's daughter Michal). Saul had only asked for 100 foreskins, but
David was feeling generous. 18:25-27

135. Saul kills 85 priests of Nob and all men, women, children, and animals in
the city of Nob. 22:18-19

136. "And it came to pass about ten days after, that the Lord smote Nabal,
that he died." This was convenient for David who then took his property and
his wife, Abigail. 25:38

137. David takes his second wife (Abigail) after God killed her husband
(Nabal). He also, at the same time, took another wife (#3), Abinam. In the
meantime, Saul gave Michal (his daughter and David's first wife) to another
man. 25:41-44

138. "And David smote the land and left neither man nor woman alive." (No
wonder God liked David so much!) 27:8-11

139. David just keeps getting more wives. God doesn't seem to mind a bit.
30:5

2 Samuel

140. David, by this time, has at least seven wives (Michal, Ahinoam, Abigail,
Maacah, Haggith, Abital, and Ehlah), and he was just getting started. 3:2-5
141. David says, "deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for a
hundred foreskins of the Philistines." Well, he actually paid with two hundred
foreskins (see 1 Sam.18:27). 3:14

142. Michal was bought by David with 200 Philistine foreskins (1 Sam.18:25-
27), then she was "given" to Phatiel (1 Sam.25:44), and then "taken back" by
David. Poor Phatiel must have loved her dearly since he "went along weeping
behind her." 3:15-16

143. "And David took him more concubines and wives." (How many? God
knows I suppose, but he doesn't tell us in the Bible.) 5:13

144. King David dances nearly naked in front of God and everybody. Michal
criticizes him for exposing himself and God punishes her by having "no child
unto the day of her death." 6:14, 20-22

145. David sees a woman (Bathsheba) bathing and likes what he sees. so he
sends for her and commits adultery with her "for she was purified from her
uncleanness." She conceives and bears a son (of course). 11:2-5

146. David tells Joab (his captain) to send Bathsheba's husband (Uriah) to
"the forefront of the hottest battle ... that he may be smitten and die." In this
way, David gets another wife. 11:15, 11:17, 11:27

147. God gave the wives of king Saul to David. 12:7-8

148. God is angry at David for having Uriah killed. As a punishment, he will
have David's wives raped by his neighbor while everyone else watches. It
turns out that the "neighbor" that God sends to do his dirty work is David's
own son, Absalom (16:22). 12:11-12

149. To punish David for having Uriah killed, God kills Bathsheba's baby boy.
12:14-18

150. After Bathsheba's baby is killed by God, David comforts her by going "in
unto her." She conceives and bears another son (Solomon). 12:24

151. Ammon (David's son) says to his half-sister Tamar, "Come lie with me,
my sister." But she resists, so he rapes her and then sends her away. Tamar,
knowing that she now belongs to him (since she was a virgin), expects him to
marry her, but he refuses. 13:1-22

152. Absalom has his servants kill his brother for raping his sister. (This
chapter, which includes incest, rape, murder, should be rated NC-17.) 13:28-
29

153. David leaves ten of his concubines home to clean house. 15:16
154. Absalom "went in unto his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel."
This was according the God's plan as announced in 2 Sam.12:11-12. 16:21-
22

155. To punish his ten concubines for being raped by his son, Absalom (See
16:21-22), David refuses to ever again have sex with them and forces them to
"keep house" for the rest of their lives. 20:3

156. To appease God and end the famine that was caused by his
predecessor (Saul), David agrees to have seven of Saul's sons killed and
hung up "unto the Lord." 21:6-9 a former king had done. 21:1

1 Kings

157. Old King David tries to get some heat by having a beautiful virgin
minister unto him. 1:1-4

158. In David's last words, he commands his son Solomon to murder Joab.
2:1-9

159. Adonijah (Solomon's half-brother) sends Bathsheba (Solomon's mother)
to ask King Solomon to let Adonijah have sex with his David's concubine
Abishag. But Solomon had him murdered instead. 2:13-25

160. Solomon has his brother (Adonijah) murdered. 2:24-25

161. Solomon carries out the deathbed instructions of his father David by
having Joab murdered. 2:29-34

162. "King Solomon loved many strange women. And he had 700 wives and
300 concubines." 11:1-3

163. God is angry with Solomon, but decides to punish Solomon's son rather
than Solomon himself, because he liked Solomon's father (David) so darned
much. 11:11-12

164. Did Abijam marry his own mother?
Since Asa's father was Abijam and they had the same mother (Maachah),
Abijam was both father and brother to Asa. 15:9-10

165. Baasha kills "all of the house of Jeroboam" leaving none "to breath."
This slaughter was done "according to the word of the Lord." 15:29

166. When Hiel rebuilds Jericho, he lays the foundation with the body of his
oldest son and sets up the gates with his youngest son's body "according to
the word of the Lord." 16:34

2 Kings
167. God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha's
bald head. 2:23-24

168. In a desperate attempt to halt the slaughter of his people by the
Israelites, the king of Moab sacrifices his oldest son as a burnt offering. And it
seems to have worked! 3:27

169. Elisha not only can cure leprosy, he can also dish it out. Here he makes
his servant (Gehazi) and all his descendants lepers forever. 5:27

170. "So we boiled my son, and did eat him." Women killed, boiled and ate
their own children because of a plague that God sent, or as the Bible puts it:
"Behold, this evil is of the Lord." 6:28-29, 33

171. All seventy of king Ahab's sons are killed, their heads put in baskets,
and sent to Jezreel. He says, "Lay ye them in two heaps ..." 10:7-8

172. Jehu kills all that remained of king Ahab's family. 10:11

173. When Athaliah "saw that her son was dead, she arose and destroyed all
of the seed royal." 11:1

174. King Menahem rips up all the pregnant women in Tizzah "because they
opened not to him." Does God approve of such acts? It's impossible to tell
from this passage; the mass murder is simply reported without editorial
comment. 15:16

1 Chronicles

175. "And Tamar his daughter in law bore him Pharez...." See Gen.38 for all
the sordid details. 2:4

176. Ashur had two wives, continuing the long line of biblical polygamists. 4:5

177. "And David took more wives..." with the apparent approval of God. 14:3

178. David's army "wastes the children of Ammon ... besieged Rabbah ... and
destroyed it." 20:1

2 Chronicles

179. Rehoboam had 18 wives and 60 concubines. Once again, if silence
implies consent, then God must approve of such arrangements. 11:21

180. "But Abijah waxed mighty, and married fourteen wives." Apparently, in
the eyes of God, a man's status is determined by the number of wives that he
possesses. 13:21

181. "Whosoever would not seek the LORD God of Israel should be put to
death, whether small or great, whether man or woman." 15:13
182. God inspired Jehoram's enemies to steal his wives and children. Then
he made Jehoram so sick that his bowels fell out. 21:14-19

183. "Jehoiada took for him two wives" -- without comment, complaint, or
criticism from the bible. 24:3

184. The Israelites enslave 200,000 women and children "because they had
forsaken the Lord God of their fathers." 28:6, 8

185. God gets angry with his people, so he sends the king of the Chaldees to
kill all the "young men with the sword." He has compassion for no one, not
even old men that are "stooped for age." In his tender mercy and loving
kindness he has them all slaughtered. 36:16-17

Ezra

186. Ezra tells the men that they must abandon their wives and children if
they are to avoid God's wrath. 10:2-3, 10-12

Nehemiah (None)

Esther

187. King Ahasuerus throws a party and encourages his guests to drink to
excess. Then, when they are all drunk, he orders Queen Vashti to show her
stuff before him and his guests. 1:7-11

188. Vashti refuses to entertain the king's drunken guests by dancing before
them. For this she is no longer to be queen, to be replaced by someone better
(prettier?). 1:12-19

189. Because of Vashti's disobedience, the king decrees that "all the wives
shall give to their husbands honor, both the great and the small" and "that
every man should bear rule over his own house." 1:20-22

190. "All the fair young virgins" throughout the kingdom are brought before
the king, and the one that "pleaseth" the king the most will replace Vashti. 2:2-
4

191. When it was Esther turn to "go in unto the king," she pleases the king
the most. So, having won the sex contest, she is made queen in Vashti's
place. 2:8-9, 12-17

192. Esther suggests that the ten sons of Haman should also be hanged. So
"they hanged Haman's ten sons. 9:13-14

Job
193. God (or Satan -- it's hard to tell them apart) sends a wind that kills Job's
sons and daughters. 1:18-19

194. After God (or Satan) kills Job's first set of kids (1:19), he is given an
even better set -- with even prettier daughters! 42:13-15

Psalms

195. If you make God angry, he'll burn you and your children to death. 21:9-
10

196. Wicked people are wicked from birth -- God made them that way. They
tell lies immediately after birth (before they can even talk!). 58:3

197. The psalmist recounts God's treatment of the Egyptians: "He smote the
firstborn in their land." See Ex.12:29-30 for the gory details. 105:29-36

198. God sent a plague on the Israelites for "committing whoredom with the
daughters of Moab." But "then stood up Phinehas, and executed judgment [by
throwing a spear through a newly married couple]: and so the plague was
stayed." But not before 24,000 (1 Cor.10:8 says 23,000) had died. (See
Num.25:6-9 for all the gory details.) 106:29-30

199. The psalmist asks God to do all sorts of unpleasant things to his
enemies. "Set thou a wicked man over him; and let Satan stand at his right
hand .... Let his prayer become sin." He asks God to take away his
possessions, kill him, and have his children suffer for the sins of their fathers.
109:6-14

200. "Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them."
"God is the best birth controller." Quiver Full Ministry 127:3-5

201. God is praised for slaughtering little babies. 135:8, 136:10

202. "To him that smote Egypt in their first born: for his mercy endures
forever." 136:10

203. "Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the
stones." 137:9

Proverbs

204. Beating your children with a rod is a sure sign of parental love. 13:24

205. Beat your children and don't stop just because they cry. 19:18

206. Beating your children will make them less foolish. Have you beaten your
child today? 22:15
207. Beat your children hard and often. Don't worry about hurting them. You
may break a few bones and cause some brain damage, but it isn't going to kill
them. And even if they do die, they'll be better off. They'll thank you in heaven
for beating the hell out of them. 23:13-14

208. Beating your children will make them wise. 29:15

209. If you mock your father or disobey your mother, the ravens will pick out
your eyeballs and the eagles will eat them. 30:17

Ecclesiastes (None)

Song of Solomon

210. "There are threescore queens, and fourscore concubines, and virgins
without number." 6:8

211. "We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts ... But my breasts [are]
like towers." 8:8-10

Isaiah

212. God will have no mercy on the widows and children of hypocrites. 9:17

213. God will make every man kill his brother and then force him to eat "the
flesh of his own arm." 9:19-20

214. If God can find you, he will "thrust you through," smash your children "to
pieces" before your eyes, and rape your wife. He will have no mercy, but will
even kill your little children. 13:15-18

215. God will slaughter children "for the iniquity of their fathers." 14:21

216. The God of Peace will set brother against brother and kingdom against
kingdom. Then he'll make the survivors seed the counsel of "wizards," and
subject them to a "cruel lord." 19:2-4

217. "For as a young man marrieth a virgin, so shall thy sons marry thee."
62:5

Jeremiah

218. God tries to "correct" people by killing their children. 2:30

219. A divorced woman is "polluted" when she remarries. The man, of course,
remains perfectly clean through it all, even though he was the one who "put
her away" in the first place. 3:1
220. "As a wife treacherously departeth from her husband ..." If a woman
leaves her husband, she is "treacherous," but a man is blameless when he
"puts her away" for no reason. 3:20

221. "I am full of the fury of the Lord; I am weary of holding it in." He's
anxious to "pour it out" on children, young men, husbands, wives, and old
people. 6:11-12

222. God threatens to punish the men by taking away all of their property,
including their wives, and giving them to others. 6:12

223. God plans to kill pretty much everyone: fathers and sons, family, friends,
and neighbors. God plans to kill them all after laying a stumbling block before
them. 6:21

224. "Therefore will I give their wives unto others." 8:10

225. Don't trust anyone. Not even your neighbors, family, or friends. Those
who believe differently than you are all liars and evil doers. 9:4-6

226. God will kill children and young men, and the dead bodies "shall fall as
dung .... and none shall gather them." 9:21-22

227. Jeremiah prays for the destruction of people and families that don't call
on God's name. 10:25

228. "Therefore thus saith the LORD of hosts, Behold, I will punish them: the
young men shall die by the sword; their sons and their daughters shall die by
famine." 11:22

229. God plans to make everyone in the kingdom drunk and then "dash the
fathers and the sons together." 13:13-14

230. God will kill children and make widows as numerous as grains of sand.
15:7-8

231. God tells Jeremiah not to get married or have children, because he's
going to kill everyone (mothers and daughters, fathers and sons). They all
"shall die of grievous deaths," and that shall neither "be lamented" nor buried,
but "shall be as dung upon the face of the earth." For he has removed peace,
"lovingkindness," and mercy from the people. 16:1-7

232. Jeremiah asks God to kill the young men in war and the children by
starvation. 18:21

233. God will make parents eat their own children and friends each other.
19:7-9

234. God will have Jeconiah's enemies kill him and his mother and then
ensure that he die without leaving any sons. 22:25-30
235. God will punish the children of Shemaiah for their father's false
prophecy. 29:32

Lamentations

236. God mercilessly kills everyone, young and old. He even causes women
to eat their children. 2:20-22

237. God punishes the Israelites by starving their children to death. 4:4-9

238. God "accomplishes his fury" by making women eat their children. 4:10-
11

Ezekiel

239. God will cause the fathers to eat their sons and the sons to eat their
fathers. 5:10

240. God sends a "man clothed with linen" to mark the foreheads of the men
who will be saved. Apparently only men are considered good enough to keep,
the others (unmarked men, "maids", little children, and women) are to be
slaughtered. God says he'll "fill the courts with the slain" and will have pity on
no one. 9:4-10

241. God gave the Israelites "statutes that were not good and judgments
whereby they should not live." He "polluted" them so that he "might make
them desolate" and force them to kill and sacrifice their children "that they
might know" that he is the Lord. 20:25-26

242. Two sisters were guilty of "committing whoredoms" by pressing their
breasts and bruising "the teats of their virginity." As a punishment, one sister's
nakedness was discovered, her children were taken from her, and she was
killed by the sword. And the fate of the surviving sister was even worse: Her
nose and ears were cut off, she was made to "pluck off" her own breasts, and
then after being raped and mutilated, she is stoned to death. 23:1-49

243. God kills Ezekiel's wife and then tells him not to mourn her. 24:15-18

Daniel

244. King Darius, after trying to feed Daniel to the lions, orders those who
accused Daniel (and their wives and children) to be cast into the lion den.
"And the lions ... brake all their bones in pieces." 6:24

Hosea

245. God tells Hosea to commit adultery, saying "take ... a wife of whoredoms
and children of whoredoms" because the land has "committed great
whoredom." So Hosea did as God commanded and "took" a wife named
Gomer. 1:2-3

246. God (or Hosea?) tells his children that their mother is a whore who is not
his wife. He asks them to tell their mother to "put away her whoredoms" and
"her adulteries from between her breasts" or he'll "strip her naked ... and slay
her with thirst." 2:2-3

247. God "will not have mercy upon ... the children of whoredoms. For their
mother hath played the harlot." 2:4-5

248. God tells Hosea to "love a woman beloved of her friend, yet an
adulteress." 3:1

249. So Hosea buys a wife for 15 pieces of silver and one and a half homers
of barley. 3:2

250. If you misbehave, God will make your daughters "commit whoredom"
and your wife "commit adultery." 4:13

251. God will induce miscarriages and kill the children of Ephraim. 9:11-12

252. "O Lord: what wilt thou give? give them a miscarrying womb and dry
breasts." 9:14

253. "I will slay even the beloved fruit of their womb." 9:16

254. God will punish Israel by "dashing" together mothers and their children.
10:14

255. Because the Samaritans chose to worship another deity, God will dash
their infants to pieces and their "women with child shall be ripped up." 13:16

Joel

256. "And I will sell your sons and your daughters." 3:8

Amos

257. "A man and his father will go in unto the same maid, to profane my holy
name." 2:7

258. Amos tells Amaziah that his wife will become a whore, his children will
be killed, and he'll die in a pagan country. 7:17

Obadiah

Jonah (None)

Micah
259. "Behold, against this family do I devise an evil." 2:3

Nahum

260. God punished Nineveh by enslaving the people and smashing the little
children in the streets. 3:10

Habakkuk (None)

Zephaniah

261. God "will punish the princes, and the king's children." 1:8

Haggai

262. God will make the horses and their riders be killed, "every one by the
sword of his brother." 2:22

Zechariah

263. A prophet must be killed by his own parents by "thrusting him through
when he prophesieth." 13:3

Malachi

264. "Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces." 2:3

Matthew

265. Jesus tells a man who had just lost his father: "Let the dead bury the
dead." 8:21

266. Families will be torn apart because of Jesus (this is one of the few
"prophecies" in the Bible that has actually come true). "Brother shall deliver up
the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up
against their parents, and cause them to be put to death." 10:21

267. Jesus says that he has come to destroy families by making family
members hate each other. He has "come not to send peace, but a sword."
10:34-36

268. Jesus warns us not to love our parents or children too much. We have to
make sure that we always love him (who we don't even know existed) more
than our family. 10:37

269. When Jesus' mother and brothers want to see him, Jesus asks, "Who is
my mother? Who are my brothers?" So much for Jesus' family values. 12:47-
49
270. Jesus is criticized by the Pharisees for not washing his hands before
eating. He defends himself by attacking them for not killing disobedient
children according to the commandment: "He that curseth father or mother, let
him die the death." (See Ex.21:15, Lev.20:9, Dt.21:18-21) So, does Jesus
think that children who curse their parents should be killed? It sure sounds like
it. 15:4-7

271. In the parable of the unforgiving servant, the king threatens to enslave a
man and his entire family to pay for a debt. This practice, which was common
at the time, seems not to have bothered Jesus very much. 18:25

272. Abandon your wife and children for Jesus and he'll give you a big
reward. 19:29

273. Jesus tells us to "call no man your father upon the earth." Not even dear
old dad? How can we "honor our father" if we refuse to call him our father?
23:9

274. "Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those
days." Why? Does God especially hate pregnant and nursing women? 24:19

275. Jesus compares the kingdom of heaven to ten virgins who went to meet
their bridegroom. 25:1

Mark

276. Jesus shows disrespect for his mother and family by asking, "Who is my
mother, or my brethren?" when he is told that his family wants to speak with
him. 3:31-34

277. Jesus criticizes the Jews for not killing their disobedient children as
required by Old Testament law. 7:9-10

278. Jesus will reward men who abandon their wives and families. 10:29-30

279. In the last days God will make things especially rough on pregnant
women. 13:17

Luke

280. When Jesus' parents begin the long trip back to Nazareth, the twelve
year old Jesus stays behind, without even asking for their permission. Mary
and Joseph search for him for three days and when they finally find him,
Jesus doesn't apologize. Rather, he blames them for not knowing that he was
doing his real father's business. 2:43-49

281. Peter and his partners (James and John) abandon their wives and
children to follow Jesus. 5:11
282. Jesus, when told that his mother and brothers want to see him, ignores
and insults them by saying that his mother and brothers are those who hear
the word of God and do it. 8:20-21

283. Jesus won't even let his followers bury their dead parents or say farewell
to their families before abandoning them. 9:59-62

284. Jesus prophesies that families will be divided because of him and his
teachings. Sadly, this is one prophecy that has been fulfilled. 12:52-53

285. Jesus says that his disciples must hate their families (mothers, fathers,
brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, children) and themselves. 14:26

286. If you want to be a disciple of Jesus, you must abandon everything,
including your family. 14:33

287. Abandon your wife and family for Jesus and he'll give you a big reward.
18:29-30

288. Jesus says that everyone in heaven is single. Does that mean that
married people can't go there, that they must get a divorce once they arrive,
or what? 20:35

289. "Ye shall be betrayed both by parents, and brethren, and kinsfolks."
Families and friendships will be torn apart because of Jesus. 21:16

John

290. As an example to parents everywhere and to save the world (from
himself), God had his own son tortured and killed. 3:16

291. Jesus tells his family that he wasn't going to the feast, but later goes "in
secret." 7:8-10

Acts

292. Peter and God scare Ananias and his wife to death for not forking over
all of the money that they made when selling their land. 5:1-10

293. If you "believe on the Lord Jesus Christ," then you and your whole family
will be saved; otherwise, God will send you all to hell. 16:30-31

Romans

294. "He that spareth not his own son" shouldn't be trusted by anyone. 8:32

295. "Esau have I hated." 9:13

1 Corinthians
296. Paul wishes that men and woman abstain from sex, but tells them to
"come together" to avoid being tempted by Satan. 7:5

297. Finally, after discouraging marriage for eight verses, Paul concedes that
"it is better to marry than to burn." 7:9

298. Those who are unmarried should never marry. 7:27

2 Corinthians (None)

Galatians (None)

Ephesians

299. Wives must submit to their husbands "in every thing" as though they
were Christ. "For the husband is the head of the wife." 5:22-24

Philippians (None)

Colossians

300. Wives, according to Paul, must submit themselves to their husbands.
3:18

301. Children should obey their parents "in all things." This verse must be a
favorite for Christian parents who abuse their children. 3:20

1 Thessalonians (None)

2 Thessalonians (none)

1 Timothy

302. "A bishop must be ... the husband of one wife." Apparently, it's OK for
laymen to have several. 3:2

303. You should help a widow only if she 1) is over 60 years old, 2) had only
one husband, 3) has raised children, 4) has lodged strangers, 5) has "washed
the saints feet," 6) has relieved the afflicted, and 7) has "diligently followed
very good work." Otherwise, let them starve. "But the younger widows refuse
[to help]: for ... they will marry; having damnation." Besides the young widows
are always idle tattlers -- "busybodies, spreading things which they ought not."
He adds that "some are already turned aside after Satan." 5:9-15

2 Timothy (None)

Titus

304. A bishop should have only one wife. I guess it's OK for laymen to have
several. 1:6-7
Philemon (None)

Hebrews

305. God always hurts the ones he loves. And if God doesn't hurt you, they
you are a bastard, not a son. 12:6-8

James

306. James says Abraham was justified by works (for being willing to kill his
son for God); Paul (Rom.4:2-3) says he was justified by faith (for believing
that God would order him to do such an evil act). 2:21

1 Peter

307. Peter orders all wives to be "in subjection" to their husbands. 3:1

308. Wives are to use "chaste conversation, coupled with fear." They are not
to braid their hair, wear gold, or put on any "apparel." They are to do these
things in imitation of the "holy" women of the Old testament who were "in
subjection to their won husbands: even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling
him Lord." 3:2-6

309. In relation to her husband, the wife is "the weaker vessel." 3:7

2 Peter

310. Lot, who in Gen.19:8 offers his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel
rapers and later(19:30-38) impregnates them, was a "righteous man." 2:8

1 John (None)

2 John (None)

3 John (None)

Jude (None)

Revelation

311. "I [Jesus] will kill her children with death." 2:23
Women in the Bible
If a man take a wife and her mother, it is wickedness: they shall be burnt with
fire, both he and they.--Lev.20:14

The Bible and the Church have been the greatest stumbling blocks in the way
of woman's emancipation. -- Elizabeth Cady Stanton, The Woman's Bible

Genesis

1. God fashions a woman out of one of Adam's ribs. This was necessary
since Adam couldn't find a "help meet" in any of the animals that God made
for him. 2:20-22

2. Adam blames Eve and Eve blames the serpent. 3:12-13

3. God punishes Eve, and all women after her, with the pains of childbirth
and subjection to men. 3:16

4. Adam is also punished, although less severely. He now will have to work
for a living because he "hearkened unto the voice" of his wife. 3:17

5. Lamech is the first of a long line of biblical men with more than one wife.
It seems that God approves of such marriages. 4:19, 23

6. Finally, sometime in the next 800 years, Adam begat some daughters.
These nameless ones are the first (and nearly the last) girls to be born in the
Bible. 5:4

7. "The male and his female ..." Notice that in the Bible female animals are
the property of male animals, as women are the property of men. 7:2

8. Abram makes his wife lie for him, by telling the Egyptians that she is his
sister. But at least it was half-true, since she was his half-sister. Such
incestuous marriages are condemned elsewhere in the Bible, but god makes
an exception for Abram and Sarai. (See Gen.17:15-16 where God blesses
their marriage.) 12:13

9. Sarai is the first of a long line of barren women who were desperate for
children. (In the Bible, it is the women who are barren, never the men.) She
sends Abram into her handmaid, Hagar, so that she can "obtain children by
her." Abram gladly complies. 16:1-4

10. Sarah, who is about 90 years old and has gone through menopause,
laughs at God when he tells her that she will have a son. She asks God if she
will "have pleasure" with her "Lord" [Abraham], when both are so very old.
God assures her that he will return and impregnate her at the appointed time.
18:11-14
11. Lot refuses to give up his angels to the perverted mob, offering his two
"virgin daughters" instead. He tells the bunch of angel rapers to "do unto them
[his daughters] as is good in your eyes." This is the same man that is called
"just" and "righteous" in 2 Pet.2:7-8. 19:8

12. Lot's nameless wife looks back, and God turns her into a pillar of salt.
19:26

13. Lot and his daughters camp out in a cave for a while. The daughters get
their "just and righteous" father drunk, and have sexual intercourse with him,
and each conceives and bears a son (wouldn't you know it!). 19:30-38

14. Honest Abe does the same "she's my sister" routine again, for the same
cowardly reason. And once again, the king just couldn't resist Sarah -- even
though by now she is over 90 years old. (See Gen.12:13-20 for the first,
nearly identical, episode.) 20:2

15. God gets angry with king Abimelech, though the king hasn't even
touched Sarah. He says to the king, "Behold, thou art but a dead man," and
threatens to kill him and all of his people. To compensate for the crime he
never committed, Abimelech gives Abraham sheep, oxen, slaves, silver, and
land. Finally, after Abraham "prayed unto God," God lifts his punishment to
Abimelech, "for the Lord had fast closed up all the wombs of the house of
Abimelech, because of Sarah." 20:3-18

16. God "closed all the wombs" because Abimelech believed Abe's lie. 20:18

17. "And the damsel was fair to look upon, a virgin, neither had any man
known her." (Oh boy!) 24:16

18. Abraham had several concubines. 25:6

19. "She was barren."
In the Bible it's always the woman that are "barren", never the men. And
when God "opens their womb," the resulting babies are always little boys.
25:21-26

20. Isaac uses the same "she's my sister" lie that his father used so
effectively (see Gen.12:13, 20:2). 26:7

21. Esau "takes" two wives. 26:34

22. Esau, who already had two wives (26:34), "takes" another. 28:9

23. Jacob offers to work for seven years to pay for Rachel. As it turns out, he
is tricked into having sex with her sister, Leah, instead, so he has to work for
another seven years so in order to pay for them both. 29:18-30

24. Jacob is tricked by Laban, the father of Rachel and Leah. Jacob asks for
Rachel so that he can "go in unto her." But Laban gives him Leah instead, and
Jacob "went in unto her [Leah]" by mistake. Jacob was fooled until morning --
apparently he didn't know who he was going in unto. Finally they worked
things out and Jacob got to "go in unto" Rachel, too. 29:21-30

25. As part of the deal with Jacob, Zilpah and Bilhah (Laban's slaves) are
handed over to Leah and Rachel. 29:24, 29

26. Laban gives Rachel and Bilhah to Jacob. 29:28

27. Since Jacob hated Leah, God decided to "open her womb" and make
Rachel barren. (Like he did to Sarah and Rebekah.) 29:31

28. Leah conceives and bears four sons. And it's a good thing, too, since her
husband hated her until then for not giving him any sons. 29:32-34

29. Give me children or else I die." Rachel considers herself worthless if she
cannot produce children for her husband. 30:1

30. But luckily she has an idea. She says to Jacob, "Behold my maid Bilhah,
go in unto her." She solved the problem the same way as did Sarah (16:2).
30:3

31. Leah, not to be outdone, gives Jacob her maid (Zilpah) "to wife." And
Zilpah "bare Jacob a son." 30:9

32. Leah thinks her husband will honor her now that she has given him six
sons. 30:20

33. And finally, "God remembered Rachel ... and opened her womb. And she
conceived and bare a son [surprise, surprise]." 30:22

34. "Then Jacob ... set his ... wives upon camels." Jacob had four wives (or
two wives and two concubines -- this distinction is not clear in the Bible):
Rachel, Leah, Billah, and Zilpah. There is no indication that God disapproves
of this arrangement. 31:17

35. Jacob has two wives and two concubines, continuing the biblical tradition
of polygamy. 32:22

36. Laban, Rachel's father, is hunting for the "images" that Rachel had stolen
from him. Rachel sits on the "images" and says to her father, "Let it not
displease my lord that I cannot rise up before thee: for the custom of women
is upon me." She knows that no man will come near her when she is
menstruating. 31:34-35

37. Jacob has two wives and two concubines, continuing the biblical tradition
of polygamy. 32:22
38. What did Dinah want? Did she love Shechem? Did she want to marry
him? Or did she want him killed? We'll ever know since it was of no interest to
the biblical author. 34:1-31

39. Dinah's brothers, to justify the massacre of a town for the rape of their
sister, say: "Should he deal with our sister as with a harlot?" To the author of
Genesis, rape is a crime against the honor of men rather than against a
woman. 34:31

40. Rachel dies in childbirth; but at least she had another son. And in the
Bible, a woman is expected to die happily as long as she has a son. 35:17-18

41. "Reuben went and lay with his father's concubine." 35:22, 49:4

42. Esau (Isaac's son) had several wives (continuing the tradition of
polygamy, with no editorial comment from the Bible). 36:2, 6

43. "And Judah saw there a daughter of a certain Canaanite ... and he took
her, and went in unto her. And she conceived, and bare a son; and she called
his name Er. And she conceived again [I guess Judah must have went in unto
her again] and bare a son; and she called hi name Onan." (It seems that the
probability of having a biblical daughter is considerably less than 50%.) 38:2-4

44. After Judah pays Tamar for her services, he is told that she "played the
harlot" and "is with child by whoredom." When Judah hears this, he says,
"Bring her forth, and let her be burnt." 38:24

Exodus

45. To commemorate the divine massacre of the Egyptian children, Moses
instructs the Israelites to "sacrifice to the Lord all that openeth the matrix" -- all
the males, that is. God has no use for dead, burnt female bodies. 13:2, 13:12-
15

46. Moses, like a coach giving instructions to the team before the big game,
tells the men to "come not at your wives" before he goes up to Mt. Sinai.
19:15

47. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, ... nor his ass, nor any thing
that is thy neighbor's." In the Bible, women are the property of men; they are
his possessions -- like an ox or an ass. 20:17

48. God explains how to go about selling your daughter -- and what to do if
she fails to please her new master. 21:7

49. God's instructions for taking a second wife. 21:10

50. If you "entice" an "unmarried maid" to "lie" with you, then you must marry
her, unless the father refuses to give her to you, in which case you must pay
him the going price for virgins. 22:16
51. "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." Thousands of innocent women
have suffered excruciating deaths because of this verse. 22:18

52. Three times a year God wants to see all of the males. The females he
never wants to see. 23:17

53. "Their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a
whoring after their gods." God always blames the women; it is they who "go a
whoring" and then "make" the men "go a whoring." 34:16

54. "Thrice in the year shall all your men children appear before the Lord."
But what about the "women children"? Don't they ever get to appear before
the Lord? 34:23

Leviticus

55. Only unblemished males are to be killed and offered to God. Females
don't even make good burnt offerings. 1:3, 10

56. When a king sins only the best sacrifice will do -- he must offer a male
goat to God. But if a commoner sins, a female will do. 4:22-28

57. Women are dirty and sinful after childbirth, so God prescribes rituals for
their purification. If a boy is born, the mother is unclean for 7 days and must
be purified for 33 days; but if a girl is born, the mother is unclean for 14 days
and be purified for 66 days. This is because, in the eyes of God, girls are
twice as dirty as boys. 12:1-5

58. After a woman gives birth, a priest must kill a lamb, pigeon, or dove as a
sin offering. This is because having children is sinful and God likes it when
things are killed for him. 12:6-8

59. God lays down the law on menstruating women. Such women are to God
both filthy and sinful, and anyone who comes near them is contaminated by
them. 15:19-30, 33

60. A man who has sex with a menstruating woman "shall be unclean seven
days." 15:24

61. "Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness,
as long as she is apart for her uncleanness," Don't even look at a
menstruating woman. 18:19

62. If a man has sex with an engaged slave woman, scourge the woman, but
don't punish the man. (Even if he raped her?) 19:20-22

63. If a man has sex with his father's wife, kill them both. 20:11

64. If a man has sex with his daughter in law, kill them both. 20:12
65. If you "lie" with your wife and your mother-in-law (now that sounds fun!),
then all three

66. If a woman "lies with a beast" both the woman and the animal are to be
killed. 20:15

67. If a man has sex with a menstruating woman, they both "shall be cut off
from among their people." 20:18

68. Women with "familiar spirits" are to be stoned to death. 20:27

69. Priests can't marry "whores", "profane", or divorced women. Why?
Because "he is holy unto his God" and they would defile him. 21:7

70. A priest's daughter who "plays the whore" is to be burned to death. 21:9

71. A priest can only marry a virgin. No harlots, widows, or divorced women
will do. (God really likes virgins.) 21:13-14

72. If a priest's daughter marries "a stranger" she can't eat any holy things.
22:12

73. God defines the value of human life in dollars and cents. Of course, to
God, females are worth considerably less than males (50 - 60%) -- but neither
are worth much. 27:3-7

Numbers

74. When "Moses numbered them according to the word of the Lord" he was
told to count "every male from a month old and upward." Women and girls
didn't count as persons. 3:15-16

75. The Law of Jealousies. If a man suspects his wife of being unfaithful, he
reports it to the priest. The priest then makes her drink some "bitter water." If
she is guilty, the water makes her thigh rot and her belly swell. If innocent, no
harm done -- the woman is free and will "conceive seed." In any case, "the
man shall be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity."
5:11-31

76. Miriam and Aaron (Moses' brother and sister) criticize Moses for
marrying an Ethiopian woman and thus breaking the law of God. But God
makes it clear that his rules don't apply to his favorites, and he strikes Miriam
with leprosy. Notice that only Miriam is punished, though both she and Aaron
complained. 12:1, 9-10

77. When one of the Israelite men brings home a foreign woman, "Phinehas
(Aaron's grandson) sees them and throws a spear "through the man .. and the
woman through her belly." This act pleases God so much that "the plague was
stayed from the children of Israel." But not before 24,000 had died. 25:6-9
78. For impaling the interracial couple, God rewards Phinehas and his sons
with the everlasting priesthood. 25:10-13

79. If a man dies and has no son, then his inheritance goes to his daughter.
But if he has a son, then the daughter gets nothing. Also no mention is made
of wives, sisters, or aunts. 27:8

80. If men make vows, then God expects them to keep them. But a woman
cannot make a vow, unless it is "allowed" by her husband or father. If it is
"allowed," then she must keep it -- but even so, she is not responsible (her
husband or father is). 30:3-16

81. Under God's direction, Moses' army defeats the Midianites. They kill all
the adult males, but take the women and children captive. When Moses
learns that they left some live, he angrily says: "Have you saved all the
women alive? Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that
hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not
known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." So they went back
and did as Moses (and presumably God) instructed, killing everyone except
for the virgins. In this way they got 32,000 virgins -- Wow! (Even God gets
some of the booty -- including the virgins.) 31:1-54

Deuteronomy

82. Don't covet your neighbor's wife or ass -- or any thing that belongs to
your neighbor. You see, in the eyes of God, women are the possessions of
men. 5:21

83. Three times a year all of the males are to appear before God. The
females he never wants to see. 16:16

84. In the cities that god "delivers into thine hands" you must kill all the
males (including old men, boys, and babies) with "the edge of the sword ....
But the women ... shalt thou take unto yourself." 20:13-14

85. If you see a pretty woman among the captives and would like her for a
wife, then just bring her home and "go in unto her." Later, if you decide you
don't like her, you can "let her go." 21:11-14

86. Rules for those who have two wives: "one beloved, and another hated."
21:15

87. When a man dies, his sons inherit his property. Wives and daughters get
nothing at all. 21:16

88. Women are not to wear men's clothing -- it's an "abomination unto the
Lord." 22:5
89. If a man marries, then decides that he hates his wife, he can claim she
wasn't a virgin when they were married. If her father can't produce the "tokens
of her virginity" (bloody sheets), then the woman is to be stoned to death at
her father's doorstep. 22:13-21

90. If a man be found lying with a woman married to a husband, then they
shall both of them die. 22:22

91. If a betrothed virgin is raped in the city and doesn't cry out loud enough,
then "the men of the city shall stone her to death." 22:23-24

92. If a woman is raped in the country, then only the man shall die (since
there was no one to hear her if she cried out.) 22:25

93. If a man rapes an unbetrothed virgin, he must pay her father 50 shekels
of silver and then marry her. 22:28-29

94. God says not be bring any whore into the house of the Lord. For "these
things are an abomination to the Lord." 23:17-18

95. If a man marries a woman and later finds "some uncleanness in her,"
then he can divorce her and kick her out of his house. If another man marries
her and then dies, the first husband cannot marry her again. "For that is an
abomination before the Lord." 24:1-4

96. If a man dies before his wife has a child, then the widow must marry her
husband's brother -- whether she likes him or not, and whether she wants to
or not. 25:5

97. If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the other, "then
thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thine eye shall not pity her." 25:11-12

98. "Cursed be he that lieth with his father's wife, because he uncovereth his
father's skirt." (Why?) How does having sex with the father's wife uncover the
father's skirt? Well, I guess it's because the father owns his wife. So the
offense is against him, not her. 27:20

99. "The tender and delicate woman" will be forced to eat her own children
"that cometh out from between her feet." 28:56-57

Joshua
100. Caleb offers to give his daughter to whoever conquers the city of Debir.
Caleb's nephew wins the contest and is given his cousin for a prize. 15:16-17

Judges

101. Caleb offers to give his daughter to anyone who conquers the city of
Debir. Caleb's nephew wins the contest and is given his cousin for a prize.
1:12-13
102. "Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two?" 5:30

103. Gideon had 70 sons (no one knows how many daughters) "for he had
many wives 8:30

104. After being hit in the head with a millstone thrown by a woman, a soldier
orders his armor bearer to kill him so that no one would say that a woman had
killed him. 9:53-54

105. When "the spirit of the Lord" comes upon Jephthah, he makes a deal
with God: If God will help him kill the Ammonites, then he (Jephthah) will offer
to God as a burnt offering whatever comes out of his house to greet him. God
keeps his end of the deal by providing Jephthah with "a very great slaughter."
But when Jephthah returns, his nameless daughter comes out to greet him
(who'd he expect, his wife?). Well, a deal's a deal, so he delivers her to God
as a burnt offering -- after letting her spend a couple of months going up and
down on the mountains bewailing her virginity. 11:29-39

106. Manoah's nameless wife, like so many biblical women, is barren. But an
angel fixes that, and Samson is born. 13:2-3, 6, 9

107. Samson sees a Philistine woman and tells his parents to "get her for me;
for she pleaseth me well." 14:1-3

108. "If ye had not plowed with my heifer, ye had not found out my riddle."
Samson called his wife a heifer. 14:18

109. Samson's father-in-law gave Samson's wife away to a friend, since he
thought Samson "hated" her. He suggests that Samson take his younger
daughter instead, saying the younger one's prettier anyway. 15:2

110. After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and
his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his
guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they
"abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and
dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an ass and takes her home. Then he
chops her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to each of the twelve
tribes of Israel. 19:22-30

111. To find wives for the Benjamites (they were unwilling to use their own
daughters), the other tribes attacked and killed all occupants of a city except
for the young virgins. These virgins were then given to the Benjamites for
wives. 21:7-23

Ruth

112. Ruth does as Naomi says, and then at midnight Boaz wakes up and
finds Ruth "at his feet." He asks who she is, and she says, "I am Ruth thine
handmaid: spread therefore your skirt over thine handmaid." 3:7-9
113. Boaz purchases Ruth to be his wife. 4:10

1 Samuel

114. "He [Samuel's father] had two wives." Once again, by its silence, the
Bible endorses polygamy. 1:2

115. "The Lord had shut up her [Hannah's] womb." Why? The Bible doesn't
say. Maybe God had nothing better to do. 1:5

116. "And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife; and the Lord remembered her [he
probably said something like, "Oh yeah, she's the one whose womb I shut
up."]. And Hannah conceived and "bare a son [Oh boy, another boy!], and
called his name Samuel." 1:19-20

117. David and Saul have a contest to see who can kill the most people for
God, and the women act as cheerleaders saying, "Saul has killed his
thousands, and David his tens of thousands." 18:6-7, 21:11, 29:5

118. David kills 200 Philistines and brings their foreskins to Saul to buy his
first wife (Saul's daughter Michal). Saul had only asked for 100 foreskins, but
David was feeling generous. 18:25-27

119. The priest tells David that he and his men can eat the "hallowed" bread if
"they have kept themselves at least from women." David assures the priest
that they have and that "the vessels of the young men are holy." So it'd be OK
for them to eat the holy bread. 21:4-5

120. "And it came to pass about ten days after, that the Lord smote Nabal,
that he died." This was convenient for David who then took his property and
his wife, Abigail. 25:38

121. David takes his second wife (Abigail) after God killed her husband
(Nabal). He also, at the same time, took another wife (#3), Abinam. In the
meantime, Saul gave Michal (his daughter and David's first wife) to another
man. 25:41-44

122. David just keeps getting more wives. God doesn't seem to mind a bit.
30:5

2 Samuel

123. David, by this time, has at least seven wives (Michal, Ahinoam, Abigail,
Maacah, Haggith, Abital, and Ehlah), and he was just getting started. 3:2-5

124. David says, "deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for a
hundred foreskins of the Philistines." Well, he actually paid with two hundred
foreskins (see 1 Sam.18:25-27). 3:14
125. Michal was bought by David with 200 Philistine foreskins (1 Sam.18:25-
27), then she was "given" to Phatiel (1 Sam.25:44), and then "taken back" by
David. Poor Phatiel must have loved her dearly since he "went along weeping
behind her." 3:15-16

126. "And David took him more concubines and wives." (How many? God
knows I suppose, but he doesn't tell us in the Bible.) 5:13

127. David sees a woman (Bathsheba) bathing and likes what he sees. so he
sends for her and commits adultery with her "for she was purified from her
uncleanness." She conceives and bears a son (of course). 11:2-5

128. David tells Joab (his captain) to send Bathseba's husband (Uriah) to
"the forefront of the hottest battle ... that he may be smitten and die." In this
way, David gets another wife. 11:15, 11:17, 11:27

129. God gave the wives of king Saul to David. 12:7-8

130. God is angry at David for having Uriah killed. As a punishment, he will
have David's wives raped by his neighbor while everyone else watches. It
turns out that the "neighbor" that God sends to do his dirty work is David's
own son, Absalom (16:22). 12:11-12

131. To punish David for having Uriah killed, God kills Bathsheba's baby boy.
12:14-18

132. After Bathsheba's baby is killed by God, David comforts her by going "in
unto her." She conceives and bears another son (Solomon). 12:24

133. Ammon (David's son) says to his half-sister Tamar, "Come lie with me,
my sister." But she resists, so he rapes her and then sends her away. Tamar,
knowing that she now belongs to him (since she was a virgin), expects him to
marry her, but he refuses. 13:1-22

134. David leaves ten of his concubines home to clean house. 15:16

135. Absalom "went in unto his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel."
This was according the God's plan as announced in 2 Sam.12:11-12. 16:21-
22

136. To punish his ten concubines for being raped by his son, Absalom (See
16:21-22), David refuses to ever again have sex with them and forces them to
"keep house" for the rest of their lives. 20:3

1 Kings

137. Old King David tries to get some heat by having a beautiful virgin
minister unto him. 1:1-4
138. "King Solomon loved many strange women. And he had 700 wives and
300 concubines." God didn't mind the number so much; it was their
strangeness that he objected to. 11:1-3

139. Note that Solomon is told to stay away from foreign women. Why?
Because they have different ("strange") religious beliefs, and God
disapproves of mixed-faith marriages. 11:2

140. The wisest man that ever lived (1 Kg.4:31) was misled by his wives into
worshipping other gods. 11:4, 15:3

141. Jezebel (Ahab's "strange" wife) "stirred up" Ahab to "work wickedness in
the sight of the Lord." to punish her, God vows that "the dogs shall eat
Jezebel." 21:23, 25

2 Kings

142. King Menahem rips up all the pregnant women in Tizzah "because they
opened not to him." Does God approve of such acts? It's impossible to tell
from this passage; the mass murder is simply reported without editorial
comment. 15:16

1 Chronicles

143. "And Tamar his daughter in law bore him Pharez...." See Gen.38 for all
the sordid details. 2:4

144. Ashur had two wives, continuing the long line of biblical polygamists. 4:5

145. "And David took more wives" with the apparent approval of God. 14:3

2 Chronicles

146. Solomon's Egyptian wife can't be around holy places. Is that because
she is a woman or because she is an Egyptian, or both? 8:11

147. Rehoboam had 18 wives and 60 concubines. Once again, if silence
implies consent, then God must approve of such arrangements. 11:21

148. "But Abijah waxed mighty, and married fourteen wives." Apparently, in
the eyes of God, a man's status is determined by the number of wives that he
possesses. 13:21

149. "Jehoiada took for him two wives" -- without comment, complaint, or
criticism from the bible. 24:3

Ezra

150. The Israelites offend God by "taking" foreign wives and thereby
corrupting "the holy seed." 9:2
151. Ezra tells the men that they must abandon their wives and children if
they are to avoid God's wrath. 10:2-3, 10-12

Nehemiah

152. Nehemiah rebukes the men for marrying "strange wives." To punish
them he "contended with them, and cursed them, and smote certain of them,
and plucked off their hair." 13:25-27

Esther

153. King Ahasuerus throws a party and encourages his guests to drink to
excess. Then, when they are all drunk, he orders Queen Vashti to show her
stuff before him and his guests. 1:7-11

154. Vashti refuses to entertain the king's drunken guests by dancing before
them. For this she is no longer to be queen, to be replaced by someone better
(prettier?). 1:12-19

155. Because of Vashti's disobedience, the king decrees that "all the wives
shall give to their husbands honor, both the great and the small" and "that
every man should bear rule over his own house." 1:20-22

156. "All the fair young virgins" throughout the kingdom are brought before
the king, and the one that "pleaseth" the king the most will replace Vashti. 2:2-
4

157. When it was Esther turn to "go in unto the king," she pleases the king
the most. So, having won the sex contest, she is made queen in Vashti's
place. 2:8-9, 12-17

158. Since women are inherently dirty, the woman that "pleased the king" the
most must be "purified" for twelve months before she can be made queen.
2:9-12

Job

159. Job's wife rightly says that if Job is to keep his integrity, then he should
curse God (for playing vicious games with Satan) and die. Job replies that she
is talking like a "foolish woman." 2:9-10

160. Speaking of births, Job says: "Who can bring a clean thing out of an
unclean. Not one." So according to the Bible, women are dirty (sinful), giving
birth is dirty (sinful), and the newborn baby is dirty (sinful). 14:4

161. After God (or Satan) kills Job's first set of kids (1:19), he is given an
even better set -- with even prettier daughters! 42:13-15

Psalms
162. "In sin did my mother conceive me." God considers both women and
sex to be sinful. 51:5

163. God sent a plague on the Israelites for "committing whoredom with the
daughters of Moab." But "then stood up Phinehas, and executed judgment [by
throwing a spear through a newly married couple]: and so the plague was
stayed." But not before 24,000 (1 Cor.10:8 says 23,000) had died. (See
Num.25:6-9 for all the gory details.) 106:29-30

164. "Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them."
"God is the best birth controller." Quiver Full Ministry 127:3-5

Proverbs

165. God warns us about the dangers of "strange women." Strange men are
OK though. 2:16-19

166. The feet of strange women "go down to death," and "her steps take hold
on hell." 5:3-5

167. Watch out for those evil, strange, and whorish women. 6:24-26

168. A woman that seduces a man is evil -- the man is just an innocent victim.
7:5-27

169. We are warned again about "foolish women" who are "simple" and
"knoweth nothing," who drag their guests into "the depths of hell." 9:13-18

170. A fair woman without discretion is like a golden jewel in a pig's snout.
11:22

171. Avoid living with "brawling" women. 21:9, 25:24

172. Try not to live with "contentious" or "angry" women. 21:19

173. "Strange women" have "deep pits" for mouths into which fall those
whom God hates. 22:14

174. "Whores" and "strange women" lie around waiting to trap innocent men.
23:27-28

175. Don't even look at any "strange women." If you do, you will utter
perverse things. 23:33

176. "Contentious women" are like "a continual dropping on a very rainy day."
There are no contentious men. Well, maybe there are a few, but they are like
sunny spring days. 27:15
177. Adulterous women eat, wipe their mouths, and say "what a good girl am
I." 30:20

178. One of the four things that the earth cannot bear is: an odious woman
when she is married." 30:21, 23

179. Don't give your strength to women. 31:3

180. "Who can find a virtuous woman?" Virtuous men are much more
common. 31:10

Ecclesiastes

181. "But a woman among all those have I not found."
The Preacher could find a few good men (maybe one in a thousand or
so), but not a single good woman. 7:28

Song of Solomon

182. "There are threescore queens, and fourscore concubines, and virgins
without number." 6:8

Isaiah

183. Isaiah shows his contempt for women by saying that things have gotten
so bad for his people that "women rule over them." 3:12

184. God will "smite with a scab the crown of the head of the daughters of
Zion" and "will discover their secret parts" since he doesn't like the way they
dress and walk. 3:16-17

185. After God takes away the women's jewelry and perfume, "discovers their
secret parts," and makes them all bald and stinking, he'll kill their husbands.
Women will then become so desperate that "seven women will take hold of
one man, saying ... let us be called by thy name, to take away our reproach."
4:1

186. After God "washed away the filth" from the women and killed the men,
he set up "a cloud and smoke by day" and a "flaming fire by night." 4:4-5

187. Egypt will become weakened and frightened "like unto women." 19:16

188. Talking about graven images Isaiah says, "thou shalt cast them away as
a menstrous cloth." 30:22

189. "Tremble, ye women that are at ease .. strip you, and make you bare ...
They shall lament for the teats." 32:6

Jeremiah
190. Jeremiah insults people by calling them "harlots" who have sex on every
hill and under every tree. 2:20

191. God compares Jerusalem's sinful ways to a promiscuous woman, or a
wild donkey in heat. 2:24

192. "Can a maid forget her ornaments, or a bride her attire?" This is meant
to be a rhetorical question with an obvious answer: Of course not; women
think only about their clothes. 2:32

193. A divorced woman is "polluted" when she remarries. The man, of course,
remains perfectly clean through it all, even though he was the one who "put
her away" in the first place. 3:1

194. "In the ways thou hast sat for them ..." A woman can't even sit anymore
without being condemned by God. 3:2

195. Jeremiah loves to insult people. His favorite insult is to call someone a
whore. In this verse he accuses Judah of having a "whore's forehead." 3:3

196. More talk of harlots who have sex under every tree. 3:6

197. Judah commits adultery with "stocks and stones." 3:9

198. "Thou ... hast scattered thy ways to the strangers under every green
tree." 3:13

199. "As a wife treacherously departeth from her husband ..." If a woman
leaves her husband, she is "treacherous," but a man is blameless when he
"puts her away" for no reason. 3:20

200. God threatens to punish the men by taking away all of their property,
including their wives, and giving them to others. 6:12

201. To punish men, God will "give their wives unto others." 8:10

202. God compares the destruction of Jerusalem to the rape of a woman who
deserves to be raped because she has sinned. 13:22

203. God plans to expose Jerusalem's private parts to the world by lifting her
skirt over her head, so to speak. He's seen her commit whoredoms and
abominations and whatnot on the hills, and he's getting darned sick of it!
13:26-27

204. "Have you forgotten ... the wickedness of your wives?" Jeremiah blames
it all on "the wickedness" of the Israelites' wives. 44:9

205. God is going to do some really bad things to the people because the
women burned incense to the "Queen of Heaven" (Mary?). 44:15-23
206. God will cause the daughters of Rabbah to be burned with fire. 49:2

207. God plans to make the Babylonian men "become like women." (A fate
worse than death to a misogynous god.). 50:37

Lamentations

208. Jerusalem is compared to a naked woman who sighs and turns
backward. "Her filthiness is in her skirts." 1:8-9

209. The adversary puts his hand upon "all her pleasant things. 1:10

210. "Jerusalem is as a menstrous woman." (To God this is an insult.) 1:17

211. God mercilessly kills everyone, young and old. He even causes women
to eat their children. 2:20-22

212. God "accomplishes his fury" by making women eat their children. 4:10-
11

213. When God gets angry at you he calls you a drunken whore. 4:21

Ezekiel

214. God sends a "man clothed with linen" to mark the foreheads of the men
who will be saved. Apparently only men are considered good enough to keep,
the others (unmarked men, "maids", little children, and women) are to be
slaughtered. God says he'll "fill the courts with the slain" and will have pity on
no one. 9:4-10

215. "Woe to the woman that sew pillows ... Behold, I am against your
pillows." (God likes neither woman nor pillows.) 13:18-21

216. God dresses up Jerusalem, cleans off the blood that she was wallowing
in, and compliments her on her nice hair and breasts. 16:6-7, 22

217. Jerusalem was a harlot who had sex with everyone that passed by.
16:15-16

218. "Thou hast ... madest to thyself images of men, and didst commit
whoredom with them." 16:17

219. "Thou ... hast opened thy feet to every one that passed by." 16:25

220. "Thou hast also committed fornication with the Egyptians thy
neighbours, great of flesh." (Jerusalem had sex with Egyptians with big
penises.) 16:26

221. Jerusalem still wasn't satisfied after having sex with the well-endowed
Egyptians (v.26), so she had sex with the Assyrians too. Yet she still wasn't
satisfied. So she had sex with the men of Canaan and Chaldea, but still was
not satisfied. 16:28-29

222. God calls Jerusalem "an imperious whorish woman." 16:30

223. God says that Jerusalem has sex with strangers, hiring them to "come in
unto thee on every side." 16:32-33

224. Because she is such a filthy harlot, God will expose her nakedness
before all of her lovers. 16:35-36

225. After exposing her nakedness, God will give her "blood in fury and
jealousy" and strip her naked once more. 16:38-41

226. A good man never gets near a menstruating woman. 18:5-6

227. Information from God about discovering the nakedness of fathers,
committing adultery with neighbor's wives, sex with menstruating women,
daughters-in-law, sisters, etc. 22:1-11

228. Two sisters were guilty of "committing whoredoms" by pressing their
breasts and bruising "the teats of their virginity." As a punishment, one sister's
nakedness was discovered, her children were taken from her, and she was
killed by the sword. And the fate of the surviving sister was even worse: Her
nose and ears were cut off, she was made to "pluck off" her own breasts, and
then after being raped and mutilated, she is stoned to death. 23:1-49

229. God kills Ezekiel's wife and then tells him not to mourn her. 24:15-18

230. God says he will destroy Tyrus. He plans to kill everyone, but he is
especially looking forward to killing all of the women. "And her daughters
which are in the field shall be slain by the sword; and they shall know that I
am the LORD." 26:1-21

231. In condemning Israel God says, "their way was before me as the
uncleanliness of a removed woman." 36:16-17

Daniel (None)

Hosea

232. God tells Hosea to commit adultery, saying "take ... a wife of whoredoms
and children of whoredoms" because the land has "committed great
whoredom." So Hosea did as God commanded and "took" a wife named
Gomer. 1:2-3

233. God (or Hosea?) tells his children that their mother is a whore who is not
his wife. He asks them to tell their mother to "put away her whoredoms" and
"her adulteries from between her breasts" or he'll "strip her naked ... and slay
her with thirst." 2:2-3

234. God "will not have mercy upon ... the children of whoredoms. For their
mother hath played the harlot." 2:4-5

235. God says he "will discover her lewdness in the sight of her lovers." 2:10

236. God acts like a jealous lover. 2:13

237. God tells Hosea to "love a woman beloved of her friend, yet an
adulteress." 3:1

238. So Hosea buys a wife for 15 pieces of silver and one and a half homers
of barley. 3:2

239. Committing whoredom by going a whoring with the spirit of whoredom.
4:10

240. If you misbehave, God will make your daughters "commit whoredom"
and your wife "commit adultery." 4:13

241. Israel has "gone a whoring" and has "loved a reward upon every
cornfloor." 9:1

242. God will induce miscarriages and kill the children of Ephraim. 9:11-12

243. "O Lord: what wilt thou give? give them a miscarrying womb and dry
breasts." 9:14

244. "I will slay even the beloved fruit of their womb." 9:16

245. God will punish Israel by "dashing" together mothers and their children.
10:14

246. Because the Samaritans chose to worship another deity, God will dash
their infants to pieces and their "women with child shall be ripped up." 13:16

Joel (None)

Amos

247. "A man and his father will go in unto the same maid, to profane my holy
name." 2:7

248. Amos tells Amaziah that his wife will become a whore, his children will
be killed, and he'll die in a pagan country. 7:17

Obadiah (None)
Jonah (None)

Micah

249. "I will cut off witchcrafts out of thine hand." 5:12

Nahum

250. God will "discover thy skirts upon thy face, ... show the nations thy
nakedness" and "will cast abominable filth upon thee."3:4-6

251. "You're all a bunch of women" was the biggest insult God could think of
at the moment. 3:13

Habakkuk (None)

Zephaniah

252. "Woe to her that her that is filthy and polluted." (Only women are filthy
and polluted.) 3:1

Haggai (None)

Zechariah

253. Evil is personified as a woman. 5:7-8

254. God will make "all nations" fight against Jerusalem. The women will be
"ravished." 14:1-2

Malachi (None)

Matthew

255. Jesus says that divorce is permissible when the wife is guilty of
fornication. But what if the husband is unfaithful? Jesus doesn't seem to care
about that. 5:32, 19:9

256. When Jesus' mother wants to see him, Jesus asks, "Who is my
mother?" 12:47-49

257. Abandon your wife and children for Jesus and he'll give you a big
reward. 19:29

258. "Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those
days." Why? Does God especially hate pregnant and nursing women? 24:19

259. Jesus compares the kingdom of heaven to ten virgins who went to meet
their bridegroom. 25:1
Mark

260. Jesus shows disrespect for his mother and family by asking, "Who is my
mother, or my brethren?" when he is told that his family wants to speak with
him. 3:31-34

261. Jesus will reward men who abandon their wives and families. 10:29-30

262. In the last days God will make things especially rough on pregnant
women. 13:17

Luke

263. Even Mary had to be "purified" after giving birth to Jesus. Was she
defiled by giving birth to the Son of God? 2:22

264. Males are holy to God, not females. 2:23

265. Peter and his partners (James and John) abandon their wives and
children to follow Jesus. 5:11

266. Jesus, when told that his mother and brothers want to see him, ignores
and insults them by saying that his mother and brothers are those who hear
the word of God and do it. 8:20-21

267. Abandon your wife and family for Jesus and he'll give you a big reward.
18:29-30

John

268. Jesus tells Mary Magdalene not to touch him because he hasn't yet
ascended -- as if the touch of a woman would defile him and somehow
prevent him from ascending into heaven. 20:17

Acts (None)

Romans

269. Paul explains that "the natural use" of women is to act as sexual objects
for the pleasure of men. 1:27

270. "Phebe our sister, which is a servant of the church."
The Revised Standard Version calls Phoebe a "deaconess", which would
make would make her a church leader. If the RSV translation is correct, this
verse contradicts the requirement that women not be permitted to teach and
that they must be silent in church. (1 Cor.14:34-35, 1 Tim.2:11-12). 16:1

271. "Junia ... of note among the apostles"
Was there a woman apostle? That is how some interpret this verse and
use it to justify a more active role for women in the church. 16:7
1 Corinthians

272. Paul would prefer that no one marry. but he says "to avoid fornication,
let every man have his own wife." 7:1-2

273. "Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife." 7:27

274. Paul says "the head of the woman is the man," meaning that the women
are to be subordinate to men. 11:3

275. If a woman refuses to cover her head in church, then her her head must
be shaved. 11:5-6

276. Men are made in the image of God; women in the image of men.
Women were created from and for men. 11:7-9

277. Every women should have power on her head because of the angels.
11:10

278. Women are commanded by Paul to be silent in church and to be
obedient to men. He further says that "if they will learn any thing, let them ask
their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in church."
14:34-35

2 Corinthians (None)

Galatians (None)

Ephesians

279. Wives must submit to their husbands "in every thing" as though they
were Christ. "For the husband is the head of the wife." 5:22-24

280. Wives must reverence their husband. 5:33

Philippians (None)

Colossians

281. Wives, according to Paul, must submit themselves to their husbands.
3:18

1 Thessalonians (None)

2 Thessalonians (None)

1 Timothy
282. Women are to dress modestly, "with shamefacedness" -- "not with
braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array." 2:9

283. "Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a
woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence."
2:11-12

284. Men are superior to women since Adam was made before, and sinned
after, Eve. But even though women are inferior to men, they shouldn't be
discouraged because they shall "be saved in childbearing." 2:14-15

285. "A bishop must be ... the husband of one wife." Apparently, it's OK for
laymen to have several. 3:2

286. Real widows are "desolate" and pray "night and day." But those widows
that experience pleasure are "dead while [they] live." 5:5-6

287. You should help a widow only if she 1) is over 60 years old, 2) had only
one husband, 3) has raised children, 4) has lodged strangers, 5) has "washed
the saints feet," 6) has relieved the afflicted, and 7) has "diligently followed
very good work." Otherwise, let them starve. "But the younger widows refuse
[to help]: for ... they will marry; having damnation." Besides the young widows
are always idle tattlers -- "busybodies, spreading things which they ought not."
He adds that "some are already turned aside after Satan." 5:9-15

2 Timothy

288. In the last days, "silly women" who are "ever learning" will be "led away
with divers lusts." 3:6-7

Titus

289. A bishop should have only one wife. I guess it's OK for laymen to have
several. 1:6-7

290. "Teach the young women to be ... obedient to their own husbands." 2:4-
5

Philemon (None)

Hebrews (None)

James (None)

1 Peter

291. Peter orders all wives to be "in subjection" to their husbands. 3:1

292. Wives are to use "chaste conversation, coupled with fear." They are not
to braid their hair, wear gold, or put on any "apparel." They are to do these
things in imitation of the "holy" women of the Old testament who were "in
subjection to their won husbands: even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling
him Lord." 3:2-6

293. In relation to her husband, the wife is "the weaker vessel." 3:7

2 Peter

294. Lot, who in Gen.19:8 offers his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel
rapers and later (19:30-38) impregnates them, was a "righteous man." 2:8

1 John

295. John writes to the men (fathers) only. Women (mothers?) are not
important enough to address. 2:13-14

2 John (None)

3 John (None)

Jude (None)

Revelation

296. Jezebel (whom God had thrown off a wall, trampled by horses, and
eaten by dogs [2 Kg.9:33-37]) is further reviled by John, saying "that woman
Jezebel" taught and seduced God's "servants to commit fornication." 2:20

297. Jesus will "cast her [Jezebel] into a bed, and them that commit adultery
with her." 2:22

298. Only 144,000 celibate men will be saved. (Those who were not "defiled
with women.") 14:1-4

299. Drinking the wine of her fornication. 14:8

300. The great whore has "committed fornication" with all the kings on earth.
Everyone else is "drunk with the wine of her fornication." She sits on a scarlet
colored beast with the usual 7 heads and 10 horns. She carries a cup full of
the "filthiness of her abominations" and has a big sign on her forehead saying:
"Mystery, Babylon the Great, the Mother of Harlots and Abominations of the
Earth." You'll know her when you see her. 17:1-5

301. "And I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the
blood of the martyrs." 17:6

302. "All nations have drunk of the wine of the wrath of her fornication, and
the kings of the earth have committed fornication with her." 18:3

303. The "great whore" corrupted the earth with her fornication. 19:2
Prophecies, Promises, and Misquotes in the Bible
And it shall come to pass, that when any shall yet prophesy, then his father
and his mother that begat him shall say unto him, Thou shalt not live; for thou
speakest lies in the name of the LORD: and his father and his mother that
begat him shall thrust him through when he prophesieth.--Zech.13:3

But you ask me what the scariest things are in Christianity: this infatuation
with biblical prophecy and this notion that Jesus is going to come back as an
avenging savior to kill all the bad people. -- Sam Harris, Beliefnet inverview

Genesis

1. God says that if Adam eats from the tree of the knowledge of good and
evil, then the day that he does so, he will die. But later Adam eats the
forbidden fruit (3:6) and yet lives for another 930 years (5:5). 2:17

2. As a punishment for killing Abel, God says Cain will be "a fugitive and a
vagabond." Yet in just a few verses (4:16-17) Cain will settle down, marry,
have a son, and build a city. This is not the activity one would expect from a
fugitive and a vagabond. 4:12

3. God promises Abram and his descendants all of the land of Canaan. But
both history and the bible (Acts 7:5 and Heb.11:13) show that God's promise
to Abram was not fulfilled. 13:15, 15:18, 17:8, 28:13-14

4. How long was the Egyptian captivity? This verse says 400 years, but
Ex.12:40 and Gal.3:17 say 430 years. 15:13

5. "In the fourth generation they [Abraham's descendants] shall come hither
again." But, if we count Abraham, then their return occurred after seven
generations: Abraham, Isaac (Gen.21:1-3), Jacob (Gen.25:19-26), Levi
(Gen.35:22-23), Kohath (Ex.6:16), Amramn (Ex.6:18), and Moses (Ex.6:20).
15:16

6. God promises Abram's descendants the land of Canaan from the Nile to
the Euphrates. But according to Acts 7:5 and Heb.11:13 God's promise to
Abram was not fulfilled. 15:18

7. God promises to make Isaac's descendents as numerous as "the stars of
heaven", which, of course, never happened. The Jews have always been, and
will always be, a small minority. 26:4

8. God renames Jacob twice (32:28, 35:10 ). God says that Jacob will
henceforth be called Israel, but the Bible continues to call him Jacob anyway
(47:28-29). And even God himself calls him Jacob in 46:2. 32:28, 35:10

9. God calls Jacob Jacob, though he said in Gen.32:28 and 35:10 that he
would no longer be called Jacob but Israel. 46:2
10. God promises to bring Jacob safely back from Egypt, but Jacob dies in
Egypt (Gen.47:28-29) 46:3

11. The tribe of Judah will reign "until Shiloh," but Israel's first king (Saul) was
from the tribe of Benjamin (Acts 13:21), and most of the time after this
prophecy there was no king at all. 49:10

12. "He washed his garments in wine ... His eyes shall be red with wine."
Did Judah really wash his clothes in wine? Were his eyes bloodshot from
drinking too much? Or is this a prophecy of Jesus? (I didn't know Jesus had a
drinking problem.) 49:11-12

13. Contrary to the prophecy in 48:21, Joseph died in Egypt, not Israel.
Gen.50:24

Exodus

14. God promises to cast out many nations including the Canaanites and the
Jebusites. But he was unable to fulfill his promise. 33:2

15. In this verse God says he will write on the stone tablets, but in 34:27 he
tells Moses to do the writing. 34:1

Leviticus (None)

Numbers

16. "If there be a prophet among you, I the LORD will ... speak unto him in a
dream." Now there's a reliable way to communicate with someone! 12:6

Deuteronomy

17. God promises to cast out seven nations including the Amorites,
Canaanites, and the Jebusites. But he was unable to fulfill his promise. 7:1

18. God says that the Israelites will destroy all of the peoples they encounter.
But according to Joshua ( 15:63, 16:10, 17:12-13) and Judges (1:21, 27-36,
3:1-5) there were some people they just couldn't kill. 7:24

19. Those who do as God says will never be infertile (neither will their cows!)
and will never get sick. 7:14-15

20. Prophets and dreamers are to be executed if they say or dream the
wrong things. 13:1-5

21. False prophets are to be (you guessed it) executed. How do you know
who is a false prophet? By whether or not their predictions come true. (Watch
out Jehovah's Witnesses!) 18:20

22. Misquoted in Rom.10:8. 30:14
23. God promises to "destroy these nations before thee." That he didn't keep
his promise see Jos.15:63, 16:10, Jg.1:21, 1:27-36, and 3:1-5. 31:3-6

Joshua

24. God promises to give Joshua all of the land that his "foot shall tread
upon." He says that none of the people he encounters will be able to resist
him. But later we find that God didn't keep his promise, and that many tribes
withstood Joshua's attempt to steal their land. 1:3-5

25. Joshua tells the Israelites that God will "without fail" drive out the
Canaanites and the Jebusites. But later, the Bible tells us that he could not
drive them out. 3:10

26. This verse says that Ai was never again occupied after it was destroyed
by Joshua. But Nehemiah (7:32) lists it among the cities of Israel at the time of
the Babylonian captivity. 8:28

27. God promised the Israelites that he would drive out all the inhabitants of
the lands they pass through. But this verse shows that he didn't keep his
promise since he couldn't drive out the Jebusites. 15:63

28. "And they drave not out the Canaanites." Once again God fails keep his
promise to destroy all the people the Israelites encounter. 16:10

29. The Israelites, contrary to God's promises to them, could not drive out
the Canaanites. 17:12-13

30. Joshua tells Manasseh that he will be able to drive out the Canaanites,
but it turns out (see Jg.1:27-28) that he couldn't do it. 17:17-18

31. According to these verses, God fulfilled his promise to give the Israelites
all of the lands that they encountered. But in several places the Bible tells us
that these promises were not kept. 21:43-45

Judges

32. God promised many times that he would drive out all the inhabitants of
the lands they encountered. But these verses show that God failed to keep his
promise since he was unable to drive out the Canaanites. 1:21, 27-30

33. God promised many times that he would drive out all the inhabitants of
the lands they encountered. But these verses show that God failed to keep his
promise since he was unable to drive out the Canaanites. 3:1-5

Ruth (None)

1 Samuel (None)
2 Samuel

34. God says that Solomon's kingdom will last forever. It didn't of course. It
was entirely destroyed about 400 years after Solomon's death, never to be
rebuilt. 7:13, 16

1 Kings

35. God puts a "lying spirit" in the mouth of his prophets. 22:22

2 Kings

36. God promises Josiah that he will have a peaceful death. But Josiah's
death was anything but peaceful. (2 Kg.23:29-30, 2 Chr.35:23-24) 22:20

37. In Jeremiah (34:4) God tells Zedekiah that he will die in peace and be
buried with his fathers. But this verse and Jer.52:10-11 say that he died a
violent death in a foreign land. 25:7

1 Chronicles (None)

2 Chronicles

38. God puts lies into the mouths of his prophets and speaks evil about
people. 18:21-22

39. Josiah died from an arrow wound in battle, not "in peace" as is promised
in 2 Kg.22:20. 35:23

Ezra (None)

Nehemiah (None)

Esther (None)

Job (None)

Psalms

40. Misquoted in Heb.10:5-6. 40:6

41. Misquoted in Eph.4:8, which says: "Wherefore he saith, When he
ascended up on high, he led captivity captive, and gave gifts unto men."
Paul changed the words and meaning of the psalm from "received gifts" to
"gave gifts". 68:18

42. Misquoted in Mt.13:35. 78:2-3

43. "I have sworn unto David my servant, Thy seed will I establish for ever,
and build up thy throne to all generations." But the Davidic line of Kings ended
with Zedekiah; there were none during the Babylonian captivity, and there are
none today. 89:3-4, 34-37

Proverbs (None)

Ecclesiastes (None)

Song of Solomon (None)

Isaiah

44. God told Isaiah to tell Ahaz, the King of Judah, not to be concerned
about Rezin (the king of Syria) or Pekah (the king of Israel). But according to
2 Chr.28:5-6 "God delivered him [Ahaz] into the hand of the king of Syria; and
they smote him, and carried away a great multitude of them captives, and
brought them to Damascus. And he was also delivered into the hand of the
king of Israel, who smote him with a great slaughter." 7:3-7

45. The King James Version mistranslates the Hebrew word "almah", which
means "young woman" as "virgin". (The Hebrew word, "bethulah", means
"virgin".) In addition, the young woman referred to in this verse was living at
the time of the prophecy. And Jesus, of course, was called Jesus -- and is not
called Emmanuel in any verse in the New Testament. 7:14

46. These verses falsely predict that Babylon will never again be inhabited.
13:19-20

47. Dragons will live in Babylonian palaces and satyrs will dance there.
13:21-22

48. This verse prophesies that Damascus will be completely destroyed and
no longer be inhabited. Yet Damascus has never been completely destroyed
and is one of the oldest continuously inhabited cities. 17:1

49. The river of Egypt (identified as the Nile in RSV) shall dry up. This has
never occurred. 19:5

50. "The land of Judah shall be a terror unto Egypt." Judah never invaded
Egypt and was never a military threat to Egypt. 19:17

51. This verse predicts that there shall be five cities in Egypt that speak the
Canaanite language. But that language was never spoken in Egypt, and it is
extinct now. 19:18

52. These verses predict that the Egyptians will worship the Lord (Yahweh)
with sacrifices and offerings. But Judaism has never been an important
religion in Egypt. 19:18-21
53. These verses predict that there will be an alliance between Egypt, Israel,
and Assyria. But there has never been any such alliance, and it's unlikely that
it ever will since Assyria no longer exists. 19:23-24

54. "They have ... changed the ordinance. There is a crying for wine in the
streets; all joy is darkened, the mirth of the land is gone."
Is this a prophecy about prohibition in the United States? 24:5-11

55. "The priest and the prophet have erred through strong drink." You can't
even trust a drunken prophet anymore. 28:7

56. Misquoted in Rom.9:33. 28:16

57. "The light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun, and the light of the
sun shall be sevenfold." Well, this is one prophecy that will never come true.
Since the moon has no light of its own, but only reflects that of the sun, it
could never shine like the sun. And the sun will not, at least not while there
are humans to see it, shine 7 times as bright as it does now. 30:26

58. "The host of heaven shall be dissolved ... and ... shall fall down."
The stars will dissolve and fall from the sky. 34:4

59. "The cormorant and the bittern shall possess it; the owl also and the
raven shall dwell in it."
Edom will become a birdwatcher's paradise. 34:11

60. "Henceforth there shall no more come into thee [Jerusalem] the
uncircumcised and the unclean." But many uncircumcised people have visited
and occupied Jerusalem after this prophecy was made. 52:1

61. Nations that do not serve Israel will perish. 60:12

62. "The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me."
These words were spoken by Isaiah and referred to Isaiah. They were not
a prophecy about a future prophet, as Jesus claimed in Luke 4:16-19, where
he supposedly read these verses in the synagogue while applying them to
himself. 61:1-2

Jeremiah

63. Jeremiah prophesies that all nations of the earth will embrace Judaism.
This has not happened. 3:17

64. Apparently, prophets that preach good news and tidings anger God. So
he will kill them. 5:12-13

65. "The prophets prophesy falsely." 5:31

66. God will make Jerusalem "a den of dragons." 9:11
67. Judah will become a desolate den of dragons. 10:22

68. "The prophets prophesy lies" in God's name. 14:14

69. God will destroy by famine and sword those who are misled by the
prophets, as well as the prophets themselves. 14:15-16

70. Matthew (1:12) lists Jeconiah as an ancestor of Jesus -- which,
according to this prophecy, disqualifies Jesus as the Messiah. 22:28-30

71. God finds some wicked prophets and priests. Like Jeremiah, maybe?
23:11

72. God says he is going to punish Nebuchadnezzar and the Babylonians for
what they have done to his people -- even though God Himself is the one who
made the Babylonians attack and enslave Judah! As part of the punishment
God will take the land of the Babylonians and "make it perpetual desolations."
A false prophecy, since present-day Iraq is quite occupied.25:12

73. God kills Hananiah for prophesying falsely. 28:16-17

74. God will kill those who refuse listen to his prophets. 29:19

75. Matthew (2:17-18) quotes this verse, claiming that it was a prophecy of
King Herod's alleged slaughter of the children in and around Bethlehem after
the birth of Jesus. But this passage refers to the Babylonian captivity, as is
clear by reading the next two verses (16 and 17), and, thus, has nothing to do
with Herod's massacre. 31:15

76. Misquoted in Heb.8:9. 31:32

77. "David shall never want a man to sit upon the throne of the house of
Israel." But the Davidic line of Kings ended with Zedekiah; there were none
during the Babylonian captivity, and there are none today. 33:17

78. God lies to Zedekiah again by telling him that he will die in peace and be
buried with his fathers. But later (2 Kg.25:7 and Jer.52:10-11) he dies a violent
death in a foreign land. 34:2, 5

79. The beginning of the end for Zedekiah. Despite God's earlier assurances
(34:5) that he would die peacefully at home, here Zedekiah watches as his
children are killed and then has his eyes put out and he is shackled and taken
to Babylon. 39:6-7

80. All those who move to Egypt will die by the sword, famine, or pestilence.
None "shall escape from the evil" that comes directly from God. But many,
including Jews, have moved to Egypt and most seem to have escaped from
God's promised evil. 42:15-18, 22
81. Jeremiah predicts that humans will never again live in Hazor, but will be
replaced by dragons. But people still live there and dragons have never been
seen. 49:33

82. God prophesies that Babylon will never again be inhabited. But it has
been inhabited constantly since the prophecy was supposedly made, and is
inhabited still today. 50:39

83. God says that Babylon will be desolate and uninhabited forever. He says
that only dragons will live there. But Babylon has been dragon-free and
continuously inhabited since then. 51:26, 29, 37, 43, 62, 64

84. God promised Zedekiah (Jer.34:5) that he would die peacefully and be
buried with his fathers. But here we see that he died a miserable death in
foreign land. 52:10-11

Lamentations

85. The "prophets also find no vision from the LORD." 2:9

86. "Thy prophets have seen vain and foolish things for thee." 2:14

Ezekiel

87. God deceives some of his prophets and then kills them for believing his
lies. 14:9

88. Ezekiel Prophesies (in the 6th century BCE) that Ammonites will not be
remembered any more. They continued to exist until the 2nd century CE. (And
they are still remembered in the Bible.) 21:28-32

89. Ezekiel prophesies that Tyrus will be completely destroyed by
Nebuchadrezzar and will never be built again. But it wasn't destroyed, as
evidenced by the visits to Tyre by Jesus and Paul (Mt.15:21, Mk.7:24, 31, Acts
21:3). 26:14,21, 27:36, 28:19

90. Ezekiel prophesies that Israel will reside in their homeland safely and
securely, never again to fight neighboring nations. 28:24-26

91. Ezekiel makes another false prophecy: that Egypt would be uninhabited
by humans or animals for forty years after being destroyed by
Nebuchadrezzar. But there was never a time when Egypt was uninhabited.
Humans and animals have lived there continuously since Ezekiel's prophecy.
29:10-13

92. "The day ... of the LORD is near, a cloudy day; it shall be the time of the
heathen." God plans to wipe out the heathen. When? Soon. Really soon. 30:3

93. The rivers of Egypt (identified as the Nile in NIV, NASB, and RSV) shall
dry up. This has never occurred. 30:12
94. Ezekiel prophesies God will protect the Israelites from "the heathen".
"And they shall be safe in their land." But the Israelites have never lived
peacefully with their neighbors, and they've never been safe from attack.
34:28-29

Daniel

95. "I was astonished at the vision, but none understood it." (If Daniel
couldn't understand his visions, then how could anyone else?) This is the one
true prophecy in the book of Daniel: "none understood it." 8:27

Hosea

96. "After two days will he revive us: in the third day he will raise us up, and
we shall live in his sight." This may be the verse referred to in Luke 18:31-33
and 1 Corinthians 15:3-4. However, Hosea 6:2 refers to the people living at
the time (hence "us") who were to be torn up by God and therefore cannot be
fulfilled by the the death and resurrection of Jesus. 6:2

97. The prophet is a fool, the spiritual man is mad." 9:7

98. "When Israel was a child, then I loved him, and called my son out of
Egypt."
Matthew (2:15) claims that the flight of Jesus' family to Egypt is a
fulfillment of this verse. But Hosea 11:1 is not a prophecy at all. It is a
reference to the Hebrew exodus from Egypt and has nothing to do with Jesus.
Matthew tries to hide this fact by quoting only the last part of the verse ("Out
of Egypt I have called my son"). 11:1

Joel

99. "The day of the LORD cometh, for it is nigh at hand." 1:15, 2:1, 3:14

Amos

100. Amos tells Amaziah that his wife will become a whore, his children will
be killed, and he'll die in a pagan country. There is no evidence in the Bible (or
anywhere else) that any of these things occurred. 7:17

101. God tells Amos that the end has come for the people of Israel. He won't
wait any longer to kill them all. 8:2

102. "They shall no more be pulled up out of their land which I have given
them." Despite this promise, the Jews have been continually uprooted and
their lives disrupted. Even today, their land ownership falls into question. 9:15

Obadiah
103. "For the day of the Lord is near upon all the heathen." If so, then it must
have come and past, unnoticed, long before the birth of Christ. 15

Jonah

104. Jonah prophesies that in forty days Nineveh shall be overthrown. But it
didn't happen because God repented (Jonah 3:10).3:4

Micah

105. Watch out for lying prophets that bite (with their teeth). 3:5

106. "The prophets thereof divine for money." Some things never change.
3:11

107. "But thou, Bethlehem Ephratah, though thou be little among the
thousands of Judah, yet out of thee shall he come forth unto me that is to be
ruler in Israel; whose goings forth have been from of old, from everlasting."
The gospel of Matthew (2:5-6) claims that Jesus' birth in Bethlehem fulfils
this prophecy. But this is unlikely for two reasons.
1. "Bethlehem Ephratah" in Micah 5:2 refers not to a town, but to a clan:
the clan of Bethlehem, who was the son of Caleb's second wife, Ephrathah (1
Chr.2:18, 2:50-52, 4:4).

2. The prophecy (if that is what it is) does not refer to the Messiah, but
rather to a military leader, as can be seen from verse 5:6. This leader is
supposed to defeat the Assyrians, which, of course, Jesus never did.

It should also be noted that Matthew altered the text of Micah 5:2 by
saying: "And thou Bethlehem, in the land of Juda" rather than "Bethlehem
Ephratah" as is said in Micah 5:2. He did this, intentionally no doubt, to make
the verse appear to refer to the town of Bethlehem rather than the family
clan.5:2

Nahum (None)

Habakkuk (None)

Zephaniah
108. "The day of the LORD is at hand." 1:7

109. "The great day of the LORD is near." 1:14

110. "And men shall worship him, every one from his place, even all the isles
of the heathen." 2:11

111. "The cormorant and the bittern shall lodge in the upper lintels of it."
A prophecy for birdwathers. 2:14

Haggai
112. In "a little while" God "will shake the heavens, and the earth, and the
sea, and the dry land." 2:6

Zechariah

113. The gospels (especially Mt.21:4-5 and Jn.12:14-15) claim that Jesus
fulfils the prophecy of Zech.9:9. But the next few verses (9:10-13) show that
the person referred to in this verse is a military king that would rule "from sea
to sea". Since Jesus had neither an army or a kingdom, he could not have
fulfilled this prophecy. 9:9

114. Israel shall never again be oppressed. Another obviously false prophecy;
Israel has been occupied many times since the time of Zechariah. 9:8

115. The river of Egypt (identified as the Nile in NIV, NASB, and RSV) shall
dry up. This has never occurred. 10:11

116. Misquote by Matthew of Zech. 11:12

117. Matthew (27:9) quotes this verse, but incorrectly attributes it to
Jeremiah. 11:12

118. God plans to expel the prophets and unclean spirits. Sounds like a good
plan to me. 13:2

Malachi

119. The gospel of Mark claims that John the Baptist fulfilled the prophecy
given in Malachi. But the Malachi prophecy says that God will send Elijah
before "the great and dreadful day of the LORD" in which the world will be
consumed by fire. Yet John the Baptist flatly denied that he was Elijah (Elias)
in John 1:21 and the earth was not destroyed after John's appearance. 3:1,
4:1, 5

Genesis

120. God says that if Adam eats from the tree of the knowledge of good and
evil, then the day that he does so, he will die. But later Adam eats the
forbidden fruit (3:6) and yet lives for another 930 years (5:5). 2:17

121. As a punishment for killing Abel, God says Cain will be "a fugitive and a
vagabond." Yet in just a few verses (4:16-17) Cain will settle down, marry,
have a son, and build a city. This is not the activity one would expect from a
fugitive and a vagabond. 4:12

122. God promises Abram and his descendants all of the land of Canaan. But
both history and the bible (Acts 7:5 and Heb.11:13) show that God's promise
to Abram was not fulfilled. 13:15, 15:18, 17:8, 28:13-14
123. How long was the Egyptian captivity? This verse says 400 years, but
Ex.12:40 and Gal.3:17 say 430 years. 15:13

124. "In the fourth generation they [Abraham's descendants] shall come
hither again." But, if we count Abraham, then their return occurred after seven
generations: Abraham, Isaac (Gen.21:1-3), Jacob (Gen.25:19-26), Levi
(Gen.35:22-23), Kohath (Ex.6:16), Amramn (Ex.6:18), and Moses (Ex.6:20).
15:16

125. God promises Abram's descendants the land of Canaan from the Nile to
the Euphrates. But according to Acts 7:5 and Heb.11:13 God's promise to
Abram was not fulfilled. 15:18

126. God promises to make Isaac's descendents as numerous as "the stars
of heaven", which, of course, never happened. The Jews have always been,
and will always be, a small minority. 26:4

127. God renames Jacob twice (32:28, 35:10 ). God says that Jacob will
henceforth be called Israel, but the Bible continues to call him Jacob anyway
(47:28-29). And even God himself calls him Jacob in 46:2. 32:28, 35:10

128. God calls Jacob Jacob, though he said in Gen.32:28 and 35:10 that he
would no longer be called Jacob but Israel. 46:2

129. God promises to bring Jacob safely back from Egypt, but Jacob dies in
Egypt (Gen.47:28-29) 46:3

130. The tribe of Judah will reign "until Shiloh," but Israel's first king (Saul)
was from the tribe of Benjamin (Acts 13:21), and most of the time after this
prophecy there was no king at all. 49:10

131. "He washed his garments in wine ... His eyes shall be red with wine."
Did Judah really wash his clothes in wine? Were his eyes bloodshot from
drinking too much? Or is this a prophecy of Jesus? (I didn't know Jesus had a
drinking problem.) 49:11-12

132. Contrary to the prophecy in 48:21, Joseph died in Egypt, not Israel.
Gen.50:24

Exodus

133. God promises to cast out many nations including the Canaanites and
the Jebusites. But he was unable to fulfill his promise. 33:2

134. In this verse God says he will write on the stone tablets, but in 34:27 he
tells Moses to do the writing. 34:1

Leviticus (None)

Numbers
135. "If there be a prophet among you, I the LORD will ... speak unto him in a
dream." Now there's a reliable way to communicate with someone! 12:6

Deuteronomy

136. God promises to cast out seven nations including the Amorites,
Canaanites, and the Jebusites. But he was unable to fulfill his promise. 7:1

137. God says that the Israelites will destroy all of the peoples they
encounter. But according to Joshua ( 15:63, 16:10, 17:12-13) and Judges
(1:21, 27-36, 3:1-5) there were some people they just couldn't kill. 7:24

138. Those who do as God says will never be infertile (neither will their
cows!) and will never get sick. 7:14-15

139. Prophets and dreamers are to be executed if they say or dream the
wrong things. 13:1-5

140. False prophets are to be (you guessed it) executed. How do you know
who is a false prophet? By whether or not their predictions come true. (Watch
out Jehovah's Witnesses!) 18:20

141. Misquoted in Rom.10:8. 30:14

142. God promises to "destroy these nations before thee." That he didn't
keep his promise see Jos.15:63, 16:10, Jg.1:21, 1:27-36, and 3:1-5. 31:3-6

Joshua

143. God promises to give Joshua all of the land that his "foot shall tread
upon." He says that none of the people he encounters will be able to resist
him. But later we find that God didn't keep his promise, and that many tribes
withstood Joshua's attempt to steal their land. 1:3-5

144. Joshua tells the Israelites that God will "without fail" drive out the
Canaanites and the Jebusites. But later, the Bible tells us that he could not
drive them out. 3:10

145. This verse says that Ai was never again occupied after it was destroyed
by Joshua. But Nehemiah (7:32) lists it among the cities of Israel at the time of
the Babylonian captivity. 8:28

146. God promised the Israelites that he would drive out all the inhabitants of
the lands they pass through. But this verse shows that he didn't keep his
promise since he couldn't drive out the Jebusites. 15:63

147. "And they drave not out the Canaanites." Once again God fails keep his
promise to destroy all the people the Israelites encounter. 16:10
148. The Israelites, contrary to God's promises to them, could not drive out
the Canaanites. 17:12-13

149. Joshua tells Manasseh that he will be able to drive out the Canaanites,
but it turns out (see Jg.1:27-28) that he couldn't do it. 17:17-18

150. According to these verses, God fulfilled his promise to give the Israelites
all of the lands that they encountered. But in several places the Bible tells us
that these promises were not kept. 21:43-45

Judges

151. God promised many times that he would drive out all the inhabitants of
the lands they encountered. But these verses show that God failed to keep his
promise since he was unable to drive out the Canaanites. 1:21, 27-30

152. God promised many times that he would drive out all the inhabitants of
the lands they encountered. But these verses show that God failed to keep his
promise since he was unable to drive out the Canaanites. 3:1-5

Ruth (None)

1 Samuel (None)

2 Samuel

153. God says that Solomon's kingdom will last forever. It didn't of course. It
was entirely destroyed about 400 years after Solomon's death, never to be
rebuilt. 7:13, 16

1 Kings

154. God puts a "lying spirit" in the mouth of his prophets. 22:22

2 Kings

155. God promises Josiah that he will have a peaceful death. But Josiah's
death was anything but peaceful. (2 Kg.23:29-30, 2 Chr.35:23-24) 22:20

156. In Jeremiah (34:4) God tells Zedekiah that he will die in peace and be
buried with his fathers. But this verse and Jer.52:10-11 say that he died a
violent death in a foreign land. 25:7

1 Chronicles (None)

2 Chronicles

157. God puts lies into the mouths of his prophets and speaks evil about
people. 18:21-22
158. Josiah died from an arrow wound in battle, not "in peace" as is promised
in 2 Kg.22:20. 35:23

Ezra (None)

Nehemiah (None)

Esther (None)

Job (None)

Psalms

159. Misquoted in Heb.10:5-6. 40:6

160. Misquoted in Eph.4:8, which says: "Wherefore he saith, When he
ascended up on high, he led captivity captive, and gave gifts unto men."
Paul changed the words and meaning of the psalm from "received gifts" to
"gave gifts". 68:18

161. Misquoted in Mt.13:35. 78:2-3

162. "I have sworn unto David my servant, Thy seed will I establish for ever,
and build up thy throne to all generations." But the Davidic line of Kings ended
with Zedekiah; there were none during the Babylonian captivity, and there are
none today. 89:3-4, 34-37

Proverbs (None)

Ecclesiastes (None)

Song of Solomon (None)

Isaiah

163. God told Isaiah to tell Ahaz, the King of Judah, not to be concerned
about Rezin (the king of Syria) or Pekah (the king of Israel). But according to
2 Chr.28:5-6 "God delivered him [Ahaz] into the hand of the king of Syria; and
they smote him, and carried away a great multitude of them captives, and
brought them to Damascus. And he was also delivered into the hand of the
king of Israel, who smote him with a great slaughter." 7:3-7

164. The King James Version mistranslates the Hebrew word "almah", which
means "young woman" as "virgin". (The Hebrew word, "bethulah", means
"virgin".) In addition, the young woman referred to in this verse was living at
the time of the prophecy. And Jesus, of course, was called Jesus -- and is not
called Emmanuel in any verse in the New Testament. 7:14

165. These verses falsely predict that Babylon will never again be inhabited.
13:19-20
166. Dragons will live in Babylonian palaces and satyrs will dance there.
13:21-22

167. This verse prophesies that Damascus will be completely destroyed and
no longer be inhabited. Yet Damascus has never been completely destroyed
and is one of the oldest continuously inhabited cities. 17:1

168. The river of Egypt (identified as the Nile in RSV) shall dry up. This has
never occurred. 19:5

169. "The land of Judah shall be a terror unto Egypt." Judah never invaded
Egypt and was never a military threat to Egypt. 19:17

170. This verse predicts that there shall be five cities in Egypt that speak the
Canaanite language. But that language was never spoken in Egypt, and it is
extinct now. 19:18

171. These verses predict that the Egyptians will worship the Lord (Yahweh)
with sacrifices and offerings. But Judaism has never been an important
religion in Egypt. 19:18-21

172. These verses predict that there will be an alliance between Egypt, Israel,
and Assyria. But there has never been any such alliance, and it's unlikely that
it ever will since Assyria no longer exists. 19:23-24

173. "They have ... changed the ordinance. There is a crying for wine in the
streets; all joy is darkened, the mirth of the land is gone."
Is this a prophecy about prohibition in the United States? 24:5-11

174. "The priest and the prophet have erred through strong drink." You can't
even trust a drunken prophet anymore. 28:7

175. Misquoted in Rom.9:33. 28:16

176. "The light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun, and the light of the
sun shall be sevenfold." Well, this is one prophecy that will never come true.
Since the moon has no light of its own, but only reflects that of the sun, it
could never shine like the sun. And the sun will not, at least not while there
are humans to see it, shine 7 times as bright as it does now. 30:26

177. "The host of heaven shall be dissolved ... and ... shall fall down."
The stars will dissolve and fall from the sky. 34:4

178. "The cormorant and the bittern shall possess it; the owl also and the
raven shall dwell in it."
Edom will become a birdwatcher's paradise. 34:11
179. "Henceforth there shall no more come into thee [Jerusalem] the
uncircumcised and the unclean." But many uncircumcised people have visited
and occupied Jerusalem after this prophecy was made. 52:1

180. Nations that do not serve Israel will perish. 60:12

181. "The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me."
These words were spoken by Isaiah and referred to Isaiah. They were not
a prophecy about a future prophet, as Jesus claimed in Luke 4:16-19, where
he supposedly read these verses in the synagogue while applying them to
himself. 61:1-2

Jeremiah

182. Jeremiah prophesies that all nations of the earth will embrace Judaism.
This has not happened. 3:17

183. Apparently, prophets that preach good news and tidings anger God. So
he will kill them. 5:12-13

184. "The prophets prophesy falsely." 5:31

185. God will make Jerusalem "a den of dragons." 9:11

186. Judah will become a desolate den of dragons. 10:22

187. "The prophets prophesy lies" in God's name. 14:14

188. God will destroy by famine and sword those who are misled by the
prophets, as well as the prophets themselves. 14:15-16

189. Matthew (1:12) lists Jeconiah as an ancestor of Jesus -- which,
according to this prophecy, disqualifies Jesus as the Messiah. 22:28-30

190. God finds some wicked prophets and priests. Like Jeremiah, maybe?
23:11

191. God says he is going to punish Nebuchadnezzar and the Babylonians
for what they have done to his people -- even though God Himself is the one
who made the Babylonians attack and enslave Judah! As part of the
punishment God will take the land of the Babylonians and "make it perpetual
desolations." A false prophecy, since present-day Iraq is quite occupied.25:12

192. God kills Hananiah for prophesying falsely. 28:16-17

193. God will kill those who refuse listen to his prophets. 29:19

194. Matthew (2:17-18) quotes this verse, claiming that it was a prophecy of
King Herod's alleged slaughter of the children in and around Bethlehem after
the birth of Jesus. But this passage refers to the Babylonian captivity, as is
clear by reading the next two verses (16 and 17), and, thus, has nothing to do
with Herod's massacre. 31:15

195. Misquoted in Heb.8:9. 31:32

196. "David shall never want a man to sit upon the throne of the house of
Israel." But the Davidic line of Kings ended with Zedekiah; there were none
during the Babylonian captivity, and there are none today. 33:17

197. God lies to Zedekiah again by telling him that he will die in peace and be
buried with his fathers. But later (2 Kg.25:7 and Jer.52:10-11) he dies a violent
death in a foreign land. 34:2, 5

198. The beginning of the end for Zedekiah. Despite God's earlier
assurances (34:5) that he would die peacefully at home, here Zedekiah
watches as his children are killed and then has his eyes put out and he is
shackled and taken to Babylon. 39:6-7

199. All those who move to Egypt will die by the sword, famine, or pestilence.
None "shall escape from the evil" that comes directly from God. But many,
including Jews, have moved to Egypt and most seem to have escaped from
God's promised evil. 42:15-18, 22

200. Jeremiah predicts that humans will never again live in Hazor, but will be
replaced by dragons. But people still live there and dragons have never been
seen. 49:33

201. God prophesies that Babylon will never again be inhabited. But it has
been inhabited constantly since the prophecy was supposedly made, and is
inhabited still today. 50:39

202. God says that Babylon will be desolate and uninhabited forever. He says
that only dragons will live there. But Babylon has been dragon-free and
continuously inhabited since then. 51:26, 29, 37, 43, 62, 64

203. God promised Zedekiah (Jer.34:5) that he would die peacefully and be
buried with his fathers. But here we see that he died a miserable death in
foreign land. 52:10-11

Lamentations

204. The "prophets also find no vision from the LORD." 2:9

205. "Thy prophets have seen vain and foolish things for thee." 2:14

Ezekiel

206. God deceives some of his prophets and then kills them for believing his
lies. 14:9
207. Ezekiel Prophesies (in the 6th century BCE) that Ammonites will not be
remembered any more. They continued to exist until the 2nd century CE. (And
they are still remembered in the Bible.) 21:28-32

208. Ezekiel prophesies that Tyrus will be completely destroyed by
Nebuchadrezzar and will never be built again. But it wasn't destroyed, as
evidenced by the visits to Tyre by Jesus and Paul (Mt.15:21, Mk.7:24, 31, Acts
21:3). 26:14,21, 27:36, 28:19

209. Ezekiel prophesies that Israel will reside in their homeland safely and
securely, never again to fight neighboring nations. 28:24-26

210. Ezekiel makes another false prophecy: that Egypt would be uninhabited
by humans or animals for forty years after being destroyed by
Nebuchadrezzar. But there was never a time when Egypt was uninhabited.
Humans and animals have lived there continuously since Ezekiel's prophecy.
29:10-13

211. "The day ... of the LORD is near, a cloudy day; it shall be the time of the
heathen." God plans to wipe out the heathen. When? Soon. Really soon. 30:3

212. The rivers of Egypt (identified as the Nile in NIV, NASB, and RSV) shall
dry up. This has never occurred. 30:12

213. Ezekiel prophesies God will protect the Israelites from "the heathen".
"And they shall be safe in their land." But the Israelites have never lived
peacefully with their neighbors, and they've never been safe from attack.
34:28-29

Daniel

214. "I was astonished at the vision, but none understood it." (If Daniel
couldn't understand his visions, then how could anyone else?) This is the one
true prophecy in the book of Daniel: "none understood it." 8:27

Hosea

215. "After two days will he revive us: in the third day he will raise us up, and
we shall live in his sight." This may be the verse referred to in Luke 18:31-33
and 1 Corinthians 15:3-4. However, Hosea 6:2 refers to the people living at
the time (hence "us") who were to be torn up by God and therefore cannot be
fulfilled by the the death and resurrection of Jesus. 6:2

216. The prophet is a fool, the spiritual man is mad." 9:7

217. "When Israel was a child, then I loved him, and called my son out of
Egypt."
Matthew (2:15) claims that the flight of Jesus' family to Egypt is a
fulfillment of this verse. But Hosea 11:1 is not a prophecy at all. It is a
reference to the Hebrew exodus from Egypt and has nothing to do with Jesus.
Matthew tries to hide this fact by quoting only the last part of the verse ("Out
of Egypt I have called my son"). 11:1

Joel

218. "The day of the LORD cometh, for it is nigh at hand." 1:15, 2:1, 3:14

Amos

219. Amos tells Amaziah that his wife will become a whore, his children will
be killed, and he'll die in a pagan country. There is no evidence in the Bible (or
anywhere else) that any of these things occurred. 7:17

220. God tells Amos that the end has come for the people of Israel. He won't
wait any longer to kill them all. 8:2

221. "They shall no more be pulled up out of their land which I have given
them." Despite this promise, the Jews have been continually uprooted and
their lives disrupted. Even today, their land ownership falls into question. 9:15

Obadiah

222. "For the day of the Lord is near upon all the heathen." If so, then it must
have come and past, unnoticed, long before the birth of Christ. 15

Jonah

223. Jonah prophesies that in forty days Nineveh shall be overthrown. But it
didn't happen because God repented (Jonah 3:10).3:4

Micah

224. Watch out for lying prophets that bite (with their teeth). 3:5

225. "The prophets thereof divine for money." Some things never change.
3:11

226. "But thou, Bethlehem Ephratah, though thou be little among the
thousands of Judah, yet out of thee shall he come forth unto me that is to be
ruler in Israel; whose goings forth have been from of old, from everlasting."
The gospel of Matthew (2:5-6) claims that Jesus' birth in Bethlehem fulfils
this prophecy. But this is unlikely for two reasons.
1. "Bethlehem Ephratah" in Micah 5:2 refers not to a town, but to a clan:
the clan of Bethlehem, who was the son of Caleb's second wife, Ephrathah (1
Chr.2:18, 2:50-52, 4:4).

2. The prophecy (if that is what it is) does not refer to the Messiah, but
rather to a military leader, as can be seen from verse 5:6. This leader is
supposed to defeat the Assyrians, which, of course, Jesus never did.
It should also be noted that Matthew altered the text of Micah 5:2 by
saying: "And thou Bethlehem, in the land of Juda" rather than "Bethlehem
Ephratah" as is said in Micah 5:2. He did this, intentionally no doubt, to make
the verse appear to refer to the town of Bethlehem rather than the family
clan.5:2

Nahum (None)

Habakkuk (None)

Zephaniah
227. "The day of the LORD is at hand." 1:7

228. "The great day of the LORD is near." 1:14

229. "And men shall worship him, every one from his place, even all the isles
of the heathen." 2:11

230. "The cormorant and the bittern shall lodge in the upper lintels of it."
A prophecy for birdwathers. 2:14

Haggai

231. In "a little while" God "will shake the heavens, and the earth, and the
sea, and the dry land." 2:6

Zechariah

232. The gospels (especially Mt.21:4-5 and Jn.12:14-15) claim that Jesus
fulfils the prophecy of Zech.9:9. But the next few verses (9:10-13) show that
the person referred to in this verse is a military king that would rule "from sea
to sea". Since Jesus had neither an army or a kingdom, he could not have
fulfilled this prophecy. 9:9

233. Israel shall never again be oppressed. Another obviously false
prophecy; Israel has been occupied many times since the time of Zechariah.
9:8

234. The river of Egypt (identified as the Nile in NIV, NASB, and RSV) shall
dry up. This has never occurred. 10:11

235. Misquote by Matthew of Zech. 11:12

236. Matthew (27:9) quotes this verse, but incorrectly attributes it to
Jeremiah. 11:12

237. God plans to expel the prophets and unclean spirits. Sounds like a good
plan to me. 13:2

Malachi
238. The gospel of Mark claims that John the Baptist fulfilled the prophecy
given in Malachi. But the Malachi prophecy says that God will send Elijah
before "the great and dreadful day of the LORD" in which the world will be
consumed by fire. Yet John the Baptist flatly denied that he was Elijah (Elias)
in John 1:21 and the earth was not destroyed after John's appearance. 3:1,
4:1, 5
Sex in the Bible
Come, let us take our fill of love until the morning.--Pr.7:18

It is full of interest. It has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some
blood-drenched history; and some good morals; and a wealth of obscenity;
and upwards of a thousand lies. -- Mark Twain, Letters From the Earth

Genesis

1. "And Adam knew his wife; and she conceived." This is the first sexual
intercourse mentioned in the Bible. 4:1

2. "And Cain knew his wife." That's nice, but where the hell did she come
from? The Bible doesn't mention any of Cain's sisters. Well, maybe he
married his mom. In any case, Cain and the mysterious Mrs. Cain have a son
(another blue cigar!). His name is Enoch and he builds a city (population 3).
4:17

3. "And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son." Way to go Adam!
4:25

4. "The sons of God came in unto the daughters of men" producing "the
mighty men of old, men of renown." 6:2, 4

5. The "just and righteous" Noah (6:9, 7:1) plants a vineyard, gets drunk,
and lies around naked in his tent. His son, Ham, happens to see his father in
this condition. When Noah sobers up and hears "what his young son had
done unto him" (what did he do besides look at him?), he curses not Ham,
who "saw the nakedness of his father," but Ham's son, Canaan. "A servant of
servants shall he [Canaan] be unto his brethren." 9:20-25

6. "And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had
done unto him."
What did Ham do? Did he just look at his naked father or was there
something more to it than that? Some commentators have suggested that
Ham committed homosexual rape on his drunken father, and that this was
why Ham's descendants were eternally punished with slavery. 9:24

7. Poor Pharaoh couldn't resist the "very fair" Sarai, and he takes her into
his harem. 12:15

8. Sarai is the first of a long line of barren women who were desperate for
children. (In the Bible, it is the women who are barren, never the men.) She
sends Abram into her handmaid, Hagar, so that she can "obtain children by
her." Abram gladly complies. 16:1-4

9. God establishes his covenant with Abram: "This is my covenant ... every
man child among you shall be circumcised. And ye shall circumcise the flesh
of your foreskin." It seems that penises are supremely important to god.
17:10-11, 23-24

10. Sarah, who is about 90 years old and has gone through menopause,
laughs at God when he tells her that she will have a son. She asks God if she
will "have pleasure" with her "Lord" [Abraham], when both are so very old.
God assures her that he will return and impregnate her at the appointed time.
18:11-14

11. The two angels that visit Lot wash their feet, eat, and are sexually
irresistible to Sodomites. 19:1-5

12. God kills everyone in Sodom and Gomorrah. This was because, so say
the Christian Right, some homosexuals lived there. 19:4-5, 24-25

13. Lot refuses to give up his angels to the perverted mob, offering his two
"virgin daughters" instead. He tells the bunch of angel rapers to "do unto them
[his daughters] as is good in your eyes." This is the same man that is called
"just" and "righteous" in 2 Pet.2:7-8. 19:8

14. Lot and his daughters camp out in a cave for a while. The daughters get
their "just and righteous" father drunk, and have sexual intercourse with him,
and each conceives and bears a son (wouldn't you know it!). Just another
wholesome family values Bible story. 19:30-38

15. "The Lord visited Sarah" and he "did unto Sarah as he had spoken." And
"Sarah conceived and bare Abraham a son." 21:1-2

16. Abraham makes his servant put his hand under his thigh while swearing
to God. Weird. Of course "putting his hand under his thigh" is just a polite
euphemism for "holding his testicles in his hand." Come to think of it, maybe it
isn't so weird at all -- coming as it does from a god that is completely
obsessed with male genitalia. (See Ex.4:25, Lev.15:16-18, 32, and Dt.23:1)
for just a few examples.) I guess it's sort of like swearing on the bible. 24:2,
24:9

17. "And the damsel was fair to look upon, a virgin, neither had any man
known her." (Oh boy!) 24:16

18. Unfortunately the king "looked out a window, and saw, behold, Isaac was
sporting with Rebekah his wife." But Isaac grew rich from the lie anyway, just
as his father had. 26:8

19. Jacob is tricked by Laban, the father of Rachel and Leah. Jacob asks for
Rachel so that he can "go in unto her." But Laban gives him Leah instead, and
Jacob "went in unto her [Leah]" by mistake. Jacob was fooled until morning --
apparently he didn't know who he was going in unto. Finally they worked
things out and Jacob got to "go in unto" Rachel, too. 29:21-30

20. Jacob goes in unto Leah by mistake. 29:23, 25
21. Jacob finally gets to "go in unto" Rachel. He loved Rachel more than
Leah. 29:30

22. "Give me children or else I die." Rachel considers herself worthless if she
cannot produce children for her husband. But luckily she has an idea. She
says to Jacob, "Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her." She solved the
problem the same way as did Sarah (16:2). "And Jacob went in unto her. And
Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son." (These arrangements rarely
produce daughters.) 30:1-4

23. Leah, not to be outdone, gives Jacob her maid (Zilpah) "to wife." And
Zilpah "bare Jacob a son." 30:9

24. Rachel trades her husband's favors for some mandrakes. And so, when
Jacob cam home, Leah said: "Thou must come in unto me, for surely I have
hired thee with my son's mandrakes. And he lay with her that night."
Presumably God, by telling us this edifying story, is teaching us something
about sexual ethics. 30:15-16

25. Dinah, the daughter of Jacob, is "defiled" by a man who seems to love
her dearly. Her brothers trick all of the men of the town and kill them (after first
having them all circumcised), and then take their wives and children captive.
34:1-31

26. "Reuben went and lay with his father's concubine." 35:22, 49:4

27. Judah has casual sex with a Canaanite woman which results in two
sons, Er and Onan. 38:2-4

28. After God killed Er, Judah tells Onan to "go in unto thy brother's wife."
But "Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and ... when he went in unto
his brother's wife ... he spilled it on the ground.... And the thing which he did
displeased the Lord; wherefore he slew him also." This lovely Bible story is
seldom read in Sunday School, but it is the basis of many Christian doctrines,
including the condemnation of both masturbation and birth control. 38:8-10

29. Tamar (the widow of Er and Onan, who were killed by God) dresses up
as a prostitute and Judah (her father-in-law) propositions her, saying: "Let me
come in unto thee .... And he ... came in unto her, and she conceived by him."
From this incestuous union, twins (38:27-28) were born (both were boys of
course). One of these was Pharez -- an ancestor of Jesus (Lk.3:33). 38:13-18

30. After Judah pays Tamar for her services, he is told that she "played the
harlot" and "is with child by whoredom." When Judah hears this, he says,
"Bring her forth, and let her be burnt." 38:24

31. Joseph is seduced by Potiphar's wife. He rejects her advances, but she
claims he "came in unto" her. 39:7-18
32. Joseph swears by putting his hand under Jacob's thigh -- a euphemism
for holding his testicles in his hand. 47:29

33. God promised to bring Jacob safely back from Egypt (Gen.46:3-4), but
God doesn't keep his promise and Jacob dies in Egypt. 49:27

34. Jacob says that Reuben will "not excel" because he "went up to [his]
father's couch [had sex with his father's wife]." (see Gen.35:22) 49:4

Exodus

35. God decides to kill Moses because his son had not yet been
circumcised. Luckily for Moses, his Egyptian wife Zipporah "took a sharp
stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said,
Surely a bloody husband art thou to me. So he [God] let him go." This story
shows the importance of penises to God, and his hatred of foreskins. 4:24

36. Moses, like a coach giving instructions to the team before the big game,
tells the men to "come not at your wives" before he goes up to Mt. Sinai.
19:15

37. God tells the priests not to go up the steps to the altar "that thy
nakedness not be discovered thereon." (Skirts on stairs are a problem.) 20:26

38. "Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death." Is it really
necessary to kill such people? Couldn't we just send them to counseling or
something? 22:19

39. Aaron makes a golden calf and tells the people to take off their clothes
and dance around naked. God then punishes them mercilessly for following
their divinely appointed religious leader. 32:1-35

40. Aaron makes the people take off all their clothes and dance naked
around his golden calf. 32:25

41. "Their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a
whoring after their gods." God always blames the women; it is they who "go a
whoring" and then "make" the men "go a whoring." 34:16

Leviticus

42. Long, tiresome, and disgusting instructions regarding the treatment of
men who have a "running issue" out of their "flesh." Very enlightening. "And if
he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean ..." 15:2-15

43. This passage tells you what to do if you get your "seed of copulation" on
yourself, your clothes, or your partner. Thank God this is in the Bible. 15:16-
18, 32
44. Don't "uncover the nakedness" of any of your relatives or neighbors. Just
ask them to keep their clothes on while you are around. 18:6-18, 20

45. "Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness,
as long as she is apart for her uncleanness," Don't even look at a
menstruating woman. 18:19

46. Don't "lie with any beast." You probably weren't planning on doing this,
but now you know just in case you get the urge sometime. 18:23

47. Don't "go a whoring" after Molech or "commit adultery with him." (Don't
you love it when God talks dirty?) 20:5

48. Stay away from people with familiar spirits and don't "go a whoring" after
them either. 20:6

49. If a man has sex with his father's wife, kill them both. 20:11

50. If a man has sex with his daughter in law, kill them both. 20:12

51. If a man has sex with another man, kill them both. 20:13

52. If you "lie" with your wife and your mother-in-law (now that sounds fun!),
then all three of your must be burned to death. 20:14

53. If a man or woman "lie with a beast" both the person and the poor animal
are to be killed. 20:15-16

54. Don't have sex with your sister, uncle's wife, or your brother's wife -- and
tell them to wear clothes whenever you're around. 20:17, 19-21

55. If a man has sex with a menstruating woman, they both "shall be cut off
from among their people." 20:18

56. "Neither shall he [the priest] profane his seed among his people." (His
seed is holy.) 21:15

57. A man with damaged testicles must not "come nigh to offer the bread of
his God." 21:20

58. A man who has a "running issue" or "whose seed goeth from him" ...
"shall not eat of the holy things, until he be clean." 22:3-5

Numbers

59. The people "commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab." 25:1

60. Under God's direction, Moses' army defeats the Midianites. They kill all
the adult males, but take the women and children captive. When Moses
learns that they left some live, he angrily says: "Have you saved all the
women alive? Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that
hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not
known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." So they went back
and did as Moses (and presumably God) instructed, killing everyone except
for the virgins. In this way they got 32,000 virgins -- Wow! (Even God gets
some of the booty -- including the virgins.) 31:1-54

Deuteronomy

61. If you see a pretty woman among the captives and would like her for a
wife, then just bring her home and "go in unto her." Later, if you decide you
don't like her, you can "let her go." 21:11-14

62. If a man marries, then decides that he hates his wife, he can claim she
wasn't a virgin when they were married. If her father can't produce the "tokens
of her virginity" (bloody sheets), then the woman is to be stoned to death at
her father's doorstep. 22:13-21

63. "If a man be found lying with a woman married to a husband, then they
shall both of them die." 22:22

64. If a betrothed virgin is raped in the city and doesn't cry out loud enough,
then "the men of the city shall stone her to death." 22:23-24

65. If a woman is raped in the country, then only the man shall die (since
there was no one to hear her if she cried out.) 22:25

66. If a man rapes an unbetrothed virgin, he must pay her father 50 shekels
of silver and then marry her. 22:28

67. "A man shall not take his father's wife, nor discover his father's skirt."
22:30

68. You can't go to church if your testicles are damaged or your penis has
been cut off. 23:1

69. God lays down the law regarding wet dreams. "If there be among you
any man that is not clean by reason of uncleanness that chanceth him by
night ..." 23:10

70. If a man dies without having a child, his brother shall "go in unto" his
dead brother's wife. If he refuses, the dead man's wife is to loosen his shoe
and spit in his face. 25:5-10

71. If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the other, "then
thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thine eye shall not pity her." 25:11-12

72. "Cursed be he that lieth with his father's wife, because he uncovereth his
father's skirt." (Why?) 27:20
73. "Cursed be he that lieth with any manner of beast: and all the people
shall say, Amen." 27:21

74. "Cursed be he that lieth with his sister ... And all the people shall say,
Amen." 27:22

75. "Cursed be he that lieth with his mother in law: and all the people shall
say, Amen." 27:23

76. "Thou shalt betroth a wife, and another man shall lie with her." 28:30

Joshua

77. Joshua's spies visit and "came unto" a prostitute in Jericho. They weren't
very discreet about it either, since the King of Jericho soon found out about it.
The king's officials ask Rahab to "bring forth the men that are come to thee."
2:1-4

78. At God's command, Joshua makes some knives and circumcises "again
the children of Israel the second time" (ouch!) at the "hill of the foreskins." 5:2-
3

Judges

79. "Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two?" 5:30

80. Samson sees a Philistine woman and tells his parents to "get her for me;
for she pleaseth me well." 14:1-3

81. "If ye had not plowed with my heifer"
Samson called his wife a heifer and (falsely) accuses the Philistines of
having sex with her. 14:18

82. Samson wants to have sex with his wife in the bedroom, but his father
won't let him. 15:1

83. "Then went Samson to Gaza, and saw there an harlot, and went in unto
her." 16:1

84. After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and
his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his
guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they
"abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and
dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an ass and takes her home. Then he
chops her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to each of the twelve
tribes of Israel. 19:22-30

Ruth
85. Naomi (Ruth's mother-in-law) advises Ruth as to how to best seduce
Boaz. She tells her to wait until he is a bit drunk and has fallen asleep. Then
"go in and uncover his feet [a biblical euphemism for male genitals], and lay
thee down; and he will tell thee what to do." 3:3-4

86. Ruth does as Naomi says, and then at midnight Boaz wakes up and
finds Ruth "at his feet." He asks who she is, and she says, "I am Ruth thine
handmaid: spread therefore your skirt over thine handmaid." 3:7-9

87. Boaz seems agreeable to the suggestion and says, "I will do thee all that
thou requirest." Next he asks her to "Tarry this night ... lie down until the
morning." so Ruth "lay at his feet until morning." 3:11-14

88. Boaz "went in unto" Ruth and "the Lord gave her conception, and she
bare a son." 4:13

1 Samuel

89. "And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife; and the Lord remembered her." (He
probably said something like, "Oh yeah, she's the one whose womb I shut
up.") And Hannah conceived and "bare a son [Oh boy, another boy!], and
called his name Samuel." 1:19-20

90. "And the Lord visited Hannah [again], so that she conceived." Did he get
her pregnant in the usual way? 2:21

91. The sons of Eli had sex with women "at the door of the tabernacle." 2:22

92. David kills 200 Philistines and brings their foreskins to Saul to buy his
first wife (Saul's daughter Michal). Saul had only asked for 100 foreskins, but
David was feeling generous. 18:25-27

93. The priest tells David that he and his men can eat the "hallowed" bread if
"they have kept themselves at least from women." David assures the priest
that they have and that "the vessels of the young men are holy." So it'd be OK
for them to eat the holy bread. 21:4-5

2 Samuel

94. David says, "deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for a
hundred foreskins of the Philistines." Well, he actually paid with two hundred
foreskins (see 1 Sam.18:27). 3:14

95. King David dances nearly naked in front of God and everybody. Michal
criticizes him for exposing himself and God punishes her by having "no child
unto the day of her death." 6:14, 20-22

96. David sees a woman (Bathsheba) bathing and likes what he sees. so he
sends for her and commits adultery with her "for she was purified from her
uncleanness." She conceives and bears a son (of course). 11:2-5
97. God gave the wives of king Saul to David. 12:7-8

98. God is angry at David for having Uriah killed. As a punishment, he will
have David's wives raped by his neighbor while everyone else watches. It
turns out that the "neighbor" that God sends to do his dirty work is David's
own son, Absalom (16:22). 12:11-12

99. After Bathsheba's baby is killed by God, David comforts her by going "in
unto her." She conceives and bears another son (Solomon). 12:24

100. Ammon (David's son) says to his half-sister Tamar, "Come lie with me,
my sister." But she resists, so he rapes her and then sends her away. Tamar,
knowing that she now belongs to him (since she was a virgin), expects him to
marry her, but he refuses. 13:1-22

101. Absalom "went in unto his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel."
This was according the God's plan as announced in 12:11-12. 16:21-22

102. To punish his ten concubines for being raped by his son, Absalom (See
16:21-22), David refuses to ever again have sex with them and forces them to
"keep house" for the rest of their lives. 20:3

1 Kings

103. Old King David tries to get some heat by having a beautiful virgin
minister unto him. 1:1-4

104. Adonijah (Solomon's half-brother) sends Bathsheba (Solomon's mother)
to ask King Solomon to let Adonijah have sex with his David's concubine
Abishag. But Solomon had him murdered instead. 2:13-25

105. "King Solomon loved many strange women. And he had 700 wives and
300 concubines." 11:1-3

2 Kings (None)

1 Chronicles

106. "And Tamar his daughter in law bore him Pharez...." See Gen.38 for all
the sordid details. 2:4

107. David's servants had their buttocks exposed. 19:4

2 Chronicles (None)

Ezra (None)

Nehemiah (None)
Esther

108. King Ahasuerus throws a party and encourages his guests to drink to
excess. Then, when they are all drunk, he orders Queen Vashti to show her
stuff before him and his guests. 1:7-11

109. "All the fair young virgins" throughout the kingdom are brought before
the king, and the one that "pleaseth" the king the most will replace Vashti. 2:2-
4

110. When it was Esther turn to "go in unto the king," she pleases the king
the most. So, having won the sex contest, she is made queen in Vashti's
place. 2:8-9, 12-17

111. Since women are inherently dirty, the woman that "pleased the king" the
most must be "purified" for twelve months before she can be made queen.
2:9-12

Job (None)

Psalms

112. The author of this psalm allegedly is David. If so, then it's not surprising
that his "loins" would be "filled with a loathsome disease." After all, his
promiscuity was legendary, and he probably didn't practice safe sex. 38:5, 7

Proverbs

113. "Let her breasts satisfy thee at all times." 5:18

114. "Come let us take our fill of love until the morning." 7:18

115. One of the four "wonderful" things is "the way of a man with a maid."
30:18-19

Ecclesiastes (None)

Song of Solomon

116. "Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than
wine." A fitting beginning for a pornographic poem. 1:2

117. "He shall lie all night betwixt my breasts." 1:13

118. "I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet
to my taste." 2:3

119. "His left hand is under my head and his right hand doth embrace me."
She asks not to be disturbed "till he please." 2:6-7
120. Our heroine takes her lover into her mother's bedroom and asks not to
be disturbed "till he please." 3:4-5

121. "Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins." 4:5

122. "Come ... blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out.
Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits." 4:16

123. "My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were
moved for him." 5:4

124. "My hands dropped with myrrh.... I opened to my beloved; but my
beloved had withdrawn himself." 5:5-6

125. "Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins." 7:1-3

126. "How pleasant art thou, O love, for delights! ... Thy breasts shall be as
clusters of the vine." 7:6-8

127. "Let us get up early to the vineyards ... there will I give thee my loves."
7:12

128. "His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should
embrace me.... Stir not up, nor awake my love, until he please." 8:3-4

129. "We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts ... But my breasts [are]
like towers." 8:8-10

Isaiah

130. God "will discover their secret parts." 3:16-17

131. Isaiah has sex with a prophetess who conceives and bears a son. (You
weren't expecting a daughter, were you?) God then tells Isaiah to call his
name Mathershalalhashbaz. (It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?) 8:3

132. God tells Isaiah to take off all his clothes and to wander about
completely naked for three years as a "sign and a wonder." In this way he will
be just like the Egyptian captives who will walk about naked "with their
buttocks uncovered." 20:2-5

133. Tyre "shall commit fornication with all the kingdoms of the world," and
her hire shall be holiness to the Lord." 23:17-18

134. "Tremble, ye women that are at ease .. strip you, and make you bare ...
They shall lament for the teats." 32:6

Jeremiah
135. Jeremiah insults people by calling them "harlots" who have sex on every
hill and under every tree. 2:20

136. God compares Jerusalem's sinful ways to a promiscuous woman, or a
wild donkey in heat. 2:24

137. "Thou hast played the harlot with many lovers." 3:1

138. "In the ways thou hast sat for them, as the Arabian in the wilderness;
and thou hast polluted the land with thy whoredoms. 3:2

139. More talk of harlots who have sex under every tree. 3:6

140. Judah commits adultery with "stocks and stones." 3:9

141. Jeremiah just can't quit talking about sex under the trees. 3:13

142. "As fed horses in the morning: everyone neighed after his neighbor's
wife." 5:8

143. God compares the destruction of Jerusalem to the rape of a woman who
deserves to be raped because she has sinned. 13:22

144. God plans to expose Jerusalem's private parts to the world by lifting her
skirt over her head, so to speak. He's seen her commit whoredoms and
abominations and whatnot on the hills, and he's getting darned sick of it!
13:26-27

Lamentations

145. Jerusalem is compared to a naked woman who sighs and turns
backward. "Her filthiness is in her skirts." 1:8-9

146. The adversary puts his hand upon "all her pleasant things. 1:10

147. When God gets angry at you he calls you a drunken whore. 4:21

Ezekiel

148. God dresses up Jerusalem, cleans off the blood that she was wallowing
in, and compliments her on her nice hair and breasts. 16:6-7, 22

149. Seeing that it is the time for love, God spreads his skirt over Jerusalem
to cover her nakedness. 6:8

150. Jerusalem was a harlot who had sex with everyone that passed by.
16:15-16

151. "Thou hast ... madest to thyself images of men, and didst commit
whoredom with them." 16:17
152. "Thou ... hast opened thy feet to every one that passed by." 16:25

153. "Thou hast also committed fornication with the Egyptians thy
neighbours, great of flesh." (Jerusalem had sex with Egyptians with big
penises.) 16:26

154. Jerusalem still wasn't satisfied after having sex with the the well-
endowed Egyptians (v.26), so she had sex with the Assyrians too. Yet she still
wasn't satisfied. So she had sex with the men of Canaan and Chaldea, but
still was not satisfied. 16:28-29

155. God calls Jerusalem "an imperious whorish woman." 16:30

156. God says that Jerusalem has sex with strangers, hiring them to "come in
unto thee on every side." 16:32-33

157. Because she is such a filthy harlot, God will expose her nakedness
before all of her lovers. 16:35-36

158. After exposing her nakedness, God will give her "blood in fury and
jealousy" and strip her naked once more. 16:38-41

159. Information from God about discovering the nakedness of fathers,
committing adultery with neighbor's wives, sex with menstruating women,
daughters-in-law, sisters, etc. 22:1-11

160. Two sisters were guilty of "committing whoredoms" by pressing their
breasts and bruising "the teats of their virginity." As a punishment, one sister's
nakedness was discovered, her children were taken from her, and she was
killed by the sword. And the fate of the surviving sister was even worse: Her
nose and ears were cut off, she was made to "pluck off" her own breasts, and
then after being raped and mutilated, she is stoned to death. 23:1-49

161. Really Big Penises. One of the sister (Aholibah) had lovers "whose flesh
is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses." 23:20

162. God makes "all their loins to be at a stand" and then cuts them off. 29:7-
9

Daniel (None)

Hosea

163. God (or Hosea?) tells his children that their mother is a whore who is not
his wife. He asks them to tell their mother to "put away her whoredoms" and
"her adulteries from between her breasts" or he'll "strip her naked ... and slay
her with thirst." 2:2-3

164. God says he "will discover her lewdness in the sight of her lovers." 2:10
165. God tells Hosea to "love a woman beloved of her friend, yet an
adulteress." 3:1

166. Israel has "gone a whoring" and has "loved a reward upon every
cornfloor." 9:1

Joel (None)

Amos

167. "A man and his father will go in unto the same maid, to profane my holy
name." 2:7

Obadiah (None)

Jonah (None)

Micah (None)

Nahum

168. God will "discover thy skirts upon thy face, ... show the nations thy
nakedness" and "will cast abominable filth upon thee." 3:4-6

Habakkuk

169. "Drink thou also and let thy foreskin be uncovered." 2:16

Zephaniah (None)

Haggai (None)

Zechariah (None)

Malachi (None)

Matthew

170. "There be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the
kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it."
Dangerous words from a guy who recommends cutting of body parts if they
cause you to sin (Mt.5:29-30, Mt.18:8-9, Mk.9:43-48). It might make someone
castrate himself so that he could be one of the 144,000 male virgins, who
alone will make it to heaven (Rev.14:3-4). 19:12

Mark

171. There is no sex or marriage in heaven. 12:25
172. One of the followers of Jesus was a young, nearly naked man who
dropped his linen cloth and "fled from them naked" when the priests came to
arrest Jesus. 14:51-52

Luke (None)

John (None)

Acts (None)

Romans

173. Paul explains that "the natural use" of women is to act as sexual objects
for the pleasure of men. 1:27

1 Corinthians

174. Paul, judging from rumors alone, complains that there are fornicators
among his followers in Corinth; he is even worried that some have had sex
with their fathers' wives. He says that those who have done these things
should be "delivered to Satan for the destruction of the flesh" so that their soul
can be saved. 5:1-5

175. Paul asks if he should "take the members of Christ, and make them
members of an harlot?" He further asks, "Know ye not that he which is joined
to an harlot is one body?" 6:15-16

176. Paul wishes that men and woman abstain from sex, but tells them to
"come together" to avoid being tempted by Satan. 7:5

177. Paul, like Jesus and the other New Testament writers, expects the end
to come soon. "The time is short." So there's no time for sex or marriage,
since the world will be ending soon. 7:29

2 Corinthians (None)

Galatians (None)

Ephesians (None)

Philippians (None)

Colossians (None)

1 Thessalonians

2 Thessalonians (None)

1 Timothy (None)
2 Timothy (None)

Titus (None)

Philemon (None)

Hebrews (None)

James (None)

1 Peter (None)

2 Peter (None)

1 John (None)

2 John (None)

3 John (None)

Jude

178. The angels that Jude refers to here are the "sons of God" that had sex
with human females to produce a race of giants. ( See Gen.6:4) 6

Revelation

179. Jezebel (whom God had thrown off a wall, trampled by horses, and
eaten by dogs [2 Kg.9:33-37]) is further reviled by John, saying "that woman
Jezebel" taught and seduced God's "servants to commit fornication." 2:20

180. Jesus will "cast her [Jezebel] into a bed, and them that commit adultery
with her." 2:22

181. Drinking the wine of fornication. 14:8

182. The great whore has "committed fornication" with all the kings on earth.
Everyone else is "drunk with the wine of her fornication." She sits on a scarlet
colored beast with the usual 7 heads and 10 horns. She carries a cup full of
the "filthiness of her abominations" and has a big sign on her forehead saying:
"Mystery, Babylon the Great, the Mother of Harlots and Abominations of the
Earth." You'll know her when you see her. 17:1-5

183. "All nations have drunk of the wine of the wrath of her fornication, and
the kings of the earth have committed fornication with her." 18:3

184. God will send plagues, death, and famine on Babylon, and the kings
"who have committed fornication with her" will be sad to see her burn. 18:8-9

185. The "great whore" corrupted the earth with her fornication. 19:2
Language in the Bible
I saw an angel standing in the sun; and he cried with a loud voice, saying to
all the fowls that fly in the midst of heaven, Come and gather yourselves
together unto the supper of the great God; That ye may eat the flesh of kings,
and the flesh of captains, and the flesh of mighty men.--Rev.19:17-18

It is full of interest. It has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some
blood-drenched history; and some good morals; and a wealth of obscenity;
and upwards of a thousand lies. -- Mark Twain, Letters From the Earth

Genesis (None)

Exodus

1. "Lest ... they go a whoring after their gods ... and their daughters go a
whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a whoring after their gods."
34:15-16

Leviticus

2. Long, tiresome, and disgusting instructions regarding the treatment of
men who have a "running issue" out of their "flesh." Very enlightening. "And if
he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean ..." 15:2-15

3. God's law for wet dreams. 15:16-18, 32

4. Don't "uncover the nakedness" of any of your relatives or neighbors. Just
ask them to keep their clothes on while you are around. 18:6-18, 20

5. "Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness,
as long as she is apart for her uncleanness," Don't even look at a
menstruating woman. 18:19

6. Don't "lie with any beast." You probably weren't planning on doing this,
but now you know just in case you get the urge sometime. 18:23

7. If you upset God, he'll cause the land to vomit you out. 18:25

8. Don't "go a whoring" after Molech or "commit adultery with him." (Don't
you love it when God talks dirty?) 20:5

9. Stay away from people with familiar spirits and don't "go a whoring" after
them either. 20:6

10. A man with damaged testicles must not "come nigh to offer the bread of
his God." 21:20

11. A man who has a "running issue" or "whose seed goeth from him" ...
"shall not eat of the holy things, until he be clean." 22:3-5
Numbers

12. God promises to give them "flesh to eat," not for just a few days, but "for
a whole month, until it come out of your nostrils, and it be loathsome to you."
Yuck. 11:20

13. "And the Lord said unto Moses, If her father had but spit in her face,
should she not be ashamed seven days?" 12:14

14. The people "commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab." 25:1

Deuteronomy

15. Here is some good advice from God: "Circumcise the foreskin of your
heart." 10:16

16. God won't let bastards attend church. Neither can the sons or daughters
of bastards "even to the tenth generation." So if you plan to attend church
next Sunday be ready to prove that your genitals are intact and don't forget
your birth certificate and genealogical records for at least the last ten
generations. Don't laugh. This stuff is important to God. 23:2

17. God gives us instructions for defecating. He says to carefully cover up all
feces "for the Lord walketh in the midst of thy camp." (You wouldn't want the
divine foot to step in your shit, would you?) 23:12-14

18. God says not be bring any whore, sodomite, or dog into the house of the
Lord. For "these things are an abomination to the Lord." Sodomites and dogs
are biblical names for homosexuals. 23:17-18

19. "The tender and delicate woman" will be forced to eat her own children
"that cometh out from between her feet." 28:56-57

Joshua (None)

Judges

20. They went a whoring after other gods...." 2:17

21. Gideon made an Ephod out of camel necklaces that caused "all Israel" to
"go a whoring after it. 8:27

22. "As soon as Gideon was dead ... the children of Israel ... went a whoring
after Baalim." 8:33

Ruth (None)

1 Samuel
23. God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their secret
parts." 5:6-12

24. After striking the Philistines with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts," he
demands that they send him five golden hemorrhoids as a "trespass offering."
6:4-5, 11, 17

25. David vows to kill "any that pisseth against the wall." 25:22, 34

2 Samuel

26. Amasa is viciously slaughtered by Joab, who "shed out his bowels to the
ground ... And Amasa wallowed in blood in the midst of the highway." 20:10,