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CHURCH -- DAY The large church is only half full but that doesn't stop the old and charismatic priest, FATHER ALLEN, to give it his all in his sermon. The ethnically diverse crowd doesn't seem too interested. FATHER ALLEN Life is hard and we deserve happiness. We deserve it all. That's why Christianity is great. We have it all. Look at Jesus, the son of God. ALL man and ALL god. A chubby man sits in the back row of the church. He sits relaxed with his legs crossed and his arms hanging on the back of the pew. He acts as if it's his living room and not the house of God. FATHER ALLEN (CONT’D) That's how you want to live your lives. Like Jesus. Be good to your brothers and sisters. The overweight man in the last row nods in agreement. FATHER ALLEN (CONT’D) It's a popular thing these days to ask yourself "what would Jesus do?" and you should indeed ask yourselves that when things get tough. What would Jesus do? The portly man in the back row chuckles under his breath. JOSH (V.O.) Yeah, what would I do? JOSH, an overweight man in khaki shorts and a Hawaiian shirt shuffles out of the pew and quietly makes his way towards the exit of the church. He wears socks and sandals. Josh looks up above the exit doors and sees a crucifix, Jesus weeping as he hangs from the cross. Josh covers his eyes, avoiding the religious symbol. EXT. CHURCH -- DAY Josh walks out of the church smiling and makes his way towards the parking lot. JOSH (V.O.) Hi, I'm Jesus, and I'm still around.
JOSH (V.O.) (CONT’D) There's a lot of stories about who I am, what I did, and what happened at my crucifixion. Some believe I died and rose to heaven. Others believe I was unconscious, revived, and fled the area, but none of the stories you've heard are true. Well, sorta. Josh walks up to his car - a beat up white Sundance. He slides his large body in. JOSH (CONT’D) On the third day I rose again, but I decided to keep it on the down low. EXT. JERUSALEM - 33 A.D. -- DAY The APOSTLES walk away from the TOMB OF JESUS with worried faces. One of the apostles points in the distance. The others look and see an in-shape Jesus walking in the distance. Jesus stops when he sees the Apostle gawking at him. Jesus' face says he does NOT want to be seen by these guys. JOSH (V.O.) Last time I spoke too much, I got beaten, stabbed, and crucified. Jesus points behind the apostles. When they turn around to see what he's pointing at, Jesus sprints off. EXT. MALL -- DAY Josh pulls into the mall parking lot. JOSH (V.O.) After the cruci...after the 'incident,' I did what a lot of people dream of doing: I traveled the world! EXT. MECCA - 600 A.D. -- DAY Jesus and MUHAMMAD walk through the desert, talking and laughing. Muhammad stops and lets a giggling Jesus walk on a bit. Muhammad gives him an evil glare behind his back.
3. JOSH (V.O.) I've seen it all, and believe me, I've seen some important things... INT. GALILEO'S TOWER - 1580 A.D. -- NIGHT A teenage GALILEO stares at the night sky from his open window. Jesus appears behind him with a telescope. Young Galileo turns and sees the gift. He nods knowingly. Jesus winks at him. JOSH (V.O.) ...And I've been at important events. EXT. SANTA MARIA - 1492 A.D. -- DAY Sailor Jesus watches men on the boat limp around, sick and hungry. A SAILOR falls to his knees. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS helps the man up. When he helps him to his feet, both men see Jesus at the end of the ship with a LARGE PILE of fish. They rush over, amazed at the large catch. Jesus taps Chris on the shoulder and points out to sea. Columbus sees the shores of America in the distance. JOSH (V.O.) And met some of the most important people in world history. INT. MALL -- DAY Overweight American Josh waits in line. His turn comes up to reveal it's a RON JEREMY book signing. Josh is giddy as he hands the legend his book for an autograph. Ron Jeremy gives Josh a knowing nod. Josh nods back. INT. JOSH'S CAR -- DAY Josh drives his car with stylish sunglasses on his head. JOSH (V.O.) I can't die either, which I'm sure you pieced together already. EXT. JOSH'S CAR -- DAY Josh is backed up on the expressway in a long traffic jam an endless line of non-moving cars in front of him.
4. JOSH (V.O.) Although sometimes I really wish I could. A large construction site is next to the highway as hundreds of men work on the project. A large sign reads "ANOTHER QUALITY MR. MANN DEVELOPMENT - COMING SOON!" EXT. JOSH'S HOUSE -- DAY Josh pulls into the driveway of his ranch style house. The mailbox near the curb reads "Christos". JOSH (V.O.) I'm just a man with some unique attributes. I'm just like you. JOSH (V.O.) (CONT’D) I don't like paying taxes, I hate seeing the Yankees win all the time, and I'm just about done with all this reality television. Me and you, we're the same...except my father is God. Josh slides his large body out of the car and walks towards the door. JOSH (V.O.) (CONT’D) I'd actually like to go back home but apparently there was work to be done down on Earth. Whatever. INT. JOSH'S HOUSE -- DAY Josh enters the living room. JOSH (V.O.) Over the years I decided I don't like living alone. He passes the stained couch, large TV and video games, and walks down the hall. JOSH (V.O.) (CONT’D) I've got two roommates.