THE GOLDDIGGER

The student voice of the Colorado School of Mines
3
Volume 92, Issue 21 April 2, 2012

News

Congratulations survivors of E-days 2012

JESSICA HO / GOLDDIGGER

Gingrich constructs US moon base

Features 4

Tech Broke reviews the iPad 3
Check out our E-days recap including the cardboard boat race, soapbox derby, and ore-cart pull on pages 6 and 7.

Sports

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Bunker discovered on Mines campus
Will Parker Investigator
In the quite likely case of a nuclear apocalypse or an E-Pocalypse, survival lies just a few hundred feet below the Mines campus in a Cold War Era bunker. Completed during the height of nuclear tension between the USSR and the United States and expanded several times since, the bunker has been a well kept secret for over 50 years, that is until several Mines students stumbled upon it. “I was walking back from the freshmen parking lot when I looked down the hill towards the maintenance buildings. When I did I saw this strange shape sticking out of the hill.” said John Doe. When Doe investigated further by walking down the hill to the mysterious shape, he found “the entrance to a long, dark tunnel that sloped downhill.” “I went back to my dorm and grabbed some flashlights and a few friends to check it out,” said Doe. Upon entering the tunnel, Doe and his friends found that it was approximately 100 yards long, and that it ended with an eight by ten foot steel door. Doe began asking the administration about the tunnel, but when his attempts were stonewalled, he began to dig through school building records to determine exactly what was behind the door. School building records indicate that construction began in 1964 along with Meyer Hall and that it continued into 1965 with the construction of the Green Center’s the capital of the Colorado Terriappropriately named Bunker Audi- tory. Additionally, the Mines bunker torium. During the mid-1960s the is much nicer than the one under Soviet nuclear arsenal was a major the State Capitol, and the gold has threat to the United States. The special properties that protect the school built the bunker to protect legislators. the Mines administration and faculty. According to the anonymous In the 1970s, the bunker was source, the bunker is over 75,000 greatly expanded during the con- square feet and can shelter 500 struction of the traditional residence people for up to a year. There is halls. At the same time, the school enough food and water to last the completely redid the intramural entire time, as well as fuel for genfields and added even more space. erators to produce electricity. With the increase in recent conThe large amount of food stored struction, it is a logical conclusion in the bunker explains a common that CSM is adding even more room problem at Mines, which is the qualto the mysterious bunker. An anony- ity of school dining options. To keep mous source explained the process the bunker food fresh, it is continufor expanding the bunker. “The night ally being stocked through the Slate before the foundation of a new building is laid, a pre-constructed section of bunker is brought in and placed beneath where the foundation will be. The next morning the foundation is laid and there is no evidence that there is a bunker under the ground.” The reason for all of the new bunker construction is that the state legislature wishes to change the location of their bunker from underneath the State Capitol to underneath Mines. They selected Mines because Guggenheim’s dome is plated with leftover gold from the capitol dome, and because at one time Golden was Construction of the Cold War Era bunker

Manning brother is the AOTW

Opinion 11

Café. After one month, old food is brought back up and cooked for the students. The staleness of the “bunkerized” food is what upsets many students’ stomachs. In the future students should not be so quick to criticize Slate because it is the bunker project and not the Slate which is responsible for the poor food quality. A week ago, no one knew about the bunker, but its sudden discovery will most likely mean that in the event of a nuclear apocalypse or an E-pocalypse every student and professor will be scrambling to find it. When this happens, there will be mass chaos on campus, and it truly will be the E-Pocalypse.
COURTESY KEVIN EMERY / GOLDDIGGER

Smokey the Bear fails in fire prevention

E-days

6

Check out our photo recap!

began in 1964.

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Joshua Kleitsch, PO’ed Staff

Tonsberg, Norway - The Royal Norwegian Science Academy has been conducting a study of the Tesseract, a mythical item from Norwegian folklore that has actually turned out to be real. The Tesseract is a cube that contains a massive amount of power; the power of the gods, according to Norwegian mythology. The researchers conducting the study have denied that it contains the power of the gods, but have conceded that it does in fact contain a vast amount of energy. Initial estimates are that it could produce enough power for three small countries or one American city for 37 years. The device measures roughly 3x3x3 inches.

Houston, Texas - NASA has discovered that the moon is made of cheese. Initially mistaken for a type of dust, the cheese that covers the surface of the moon is actually a very dry romano-parmesan blend, suitable for spaghetti or baked ziti. After sending several manned missions to the moon, NASA has concluded that the dust of the moon is in fact a romano-parmesan blend, and that the core of the celestial body is a mixture of cheddar, camembert, aged swiss, and smoked provolone. The difficulty facing the U.S. government now is whether or not to allow private industry to mine this vast cheese resource. Environmentalists have made their position painfully clear, that the moon is a person too and should be treated with respect.

Casablanca, Morocco - The giant meteor that crash-landed in Morocco last week is being studied in detail by a group of scientists from around the world, including prestigious institutions such as Red Rocks Community College, Michigan State University, Mid-State Technical College, and Phoenix Academy. The meteor is made up of a conglomeration of random metals and salts, such as rhodium, lead, einsteinium, and sodium hydroxide. The researchers have yet to determine where the meteor came from, as there are very few places in the galaxy where such a collection of metals could be found. Possible points of origin for the meteor include Pluto, the Horse Head Nebula, and the star cluster M79.

Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates - The Arab Center for Development has been working on a new method of desalination of salt water, a method that is much more efficient and uses less energy than current methods. The current method involves distilling the salt out of the water, and sending a highly salty brine back to the gulf of Oman. The new method being studied involves spraying salt water in the air, then condensing it on giant beer bottles that have been chilled in a suitably large refrigerator. The efficiency issue is still present, but many are hopeful the new method will prove better in the long run. Testing has been described by onlookers as very aesthetically pleasing, with giant geysers of water blasting out of the ground.

Golddigger Staff
Katie Huckfeldt Editor-in-Chef Deborah Good Moral Advisor Steven Wooldridge Mr. 8 Page Barbara Anderson Stalker Carissa Summerfelt Saner Robby Lucy Orsi Mad Beats Ian Mertz New Zach Arnaud Filliat The Freshman Trevor Crane Too Cool for School Stephen Hejducek Frat Guy David Tauchen MIA

Headlines from around the world
Joshua Kleitsch, PO’ed Staff
President Obama repealed public drunkenness and open container laws last week, allowing anyone and their mother to wander the streets drunk and out of control. Citizens can now carry booze wherever they go. In addition to repealing container laws, Obama also lowered the drinking age to 17. According to an administration spokesman, this was done in an effort to make college appear more appealing and useful to high school students. Colorado School of Mines performed a feat yet unmatched in the known world, as a group of roughly 350 students gathered at the western end of Colfax Avenue in Denver, and towed the retired Discovery space shuttle orbiter to the state capitol building. The students fabricated a set of levitation machines to bear the weight of the shuttle, then pulled it using a set of ropes attached to the shuttle’s landing gear. When asked why they did it, the students responded with a resounding, “Because we can!” Insurgents in Afghanistan have announced that they will be throwing a tea party for all interested governments the week after next, in an effort to connect with locals in the Afghan countryside. The United Nations is cautioning that this may be a ploy to gather world leaders for a concentrated attack, but U.S. intelligence has seen no reason for concern and is encouraging attendance. Iran has reportedly been working on the construction of a new weapon, one that several unnamed sources have said has potential to reach the western shores of the United States. The new weapon is a variation on a medieval trebuchet, and has been estimated to be able to launch a 2-ton projectile roughly 7,000 miles. The Iranians have accomplished this by attaching a gravity drive to the throwing arm, which accelerates it to roughly the speed of the rotation of the earth. Chevrolet has built a new vehicle that they say can make its own energy. The new vehicle will have the net effect of a plant, according to a Chevy spokesman. Chevy says that the new vehicle is designed for urban use, as it relies heavily on the pollutants in the air for propulsion. Apple Inc. announced last week that Steve Jobs, the late founder of the personal computer giant, is actually alive. Rather than let him die of cancer, the board of trustees in charge of keeping the interests of the company at the forefront decided to have him cryogenically frozen. This means that Steve Jobs is alive and can be reawakened at any time, specifically times of great need, when the company is floundering.

Local News
In Jefferson County, Colorado, an unattended backpack caused an evacuation at a local mall. The backpack was left in a Sears store where it was found by an employee stocking shelves. The employee, Mary-Sue Johnson, stated that she was alarmed but “knew to sound the emergency alarm”. Sears employees are subject to monthly training for the unlikely event of unattended bags. Careful training provided that all customers and employees got away from this dangerous situation safely. In Eastville, Colorado, a 26-year-old woman is accused of hitting her brother in the head with a double-sided ax. Police say that the two siblings became violent in an argument about the food situation in the house. The woman, Geraldine Brown, said “My brother owes me money for taco bell last week and Burger King from Saturday.” Brown also claims that she did not swing that ax, but rather her brother “fell into the ax.” In Fort Collins, Colorado, nine craft brewers will unite to brew a collaborative beer specifically geared towards Colorado. After many debates about how to brew the beer and what local ingredients to use, the brewers decided to simply combine their respective beers. The new Colorado brew will be a mixture of Coors, Coors Light, Blue Moon, Killians, PBR, Miller, Miller Lite and Keystone Light. Look for the new brew in shops near you this August.

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april 2, 2012

Editor-in-Chief falls Newt Gingrich campaign to multiple murders funds go to moon base
Josh Kleitsch Investigative Journalist
Last night saw the gruesome murder of Katherine Huckfeldt, the former Editor-In-Chief of “The Oredigger” newspaper at the Colorado School of Mines. Huckfeldt’s death involved a variety of unusual circumstances, although they may not surprise many people at the school. As she was walking around campus on the morning of March 30, Huckfeldt was assaulted by a group of tweens masquerading as Call of Duty commandos. Police reports indicate that the tweens had obtained prototype folding machine guns and were occupying obscure corners throughout the Mines campus, waiting to show off their skill by ambushing the first person to walk by. Commonly referred to as “campers,” it is clear the tweens did not in fact have any skill and were successful only because Huckfeldt was preoccupied with capturing the Green Center domination flag. Fortunately, because this is real life, she was able to respawn and continue traversing campus. Not to be outwitted by a group of eight-year-olds with overpowered machine pistols, Huckfeldt snuck around behind the campers and took out two of them because they were not smart enough to change corners. The rest of the group heard her unsilenced weapon and flocked to the scene, touting high capacity Russian submachine guns. A few even had riot shields. After taking several bullets and half-a-dozen riot shield bashings, Huckfeldt died again. However, because this is because this is real life, she was able to respawn and continue the fight. Unbeknownst to Huckfeldt, one of the campers got a care package from a Boulder, Colorado, sponsor, and in it was a free ticket for a Lockheed AC-130. The camper used the AC-130 to kill Huckfeldt three times before it ran out of fuel, and by that time, all of the campers had returned to their original spots. She got three of the enemies during a second attack before she was gunned down by a massively powerful MP7. Huckfeldt was really getting tired of constantly dying and respawing, so she rushed in with her guns blazing and laid a bead down on the campers heads one by one. Just before she got the last one, he got her with a lucky shot from a javelin rocket. After a final respawn, Huckfeldt finally took out the entire enemy team with a brilliant toss of a semtex grenade. After dying seven times, Katie finished the day with a respectable 2.25 kill-death ratio, which is not bad for someone who was randomly assaulted on campus. Unfortunately the Board of Trustees changed the rules, and she was forced to eat poisonous berries before the match ended, so that she wouldn’t get infected by the zombies that were charging her.

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Ramirio Rodriguez Agent R Squared

Party leads to disaster at Maple
Will Parker Party Snitch
Sixty-three charges of minor in possession, twenty-two charges of disorderly conduct, fifteen charges of indecent exposure, and eight charges of vandalism as well as an estimated $500,000 in damage are the end result of the Saturday, April 31, 2012, party at Maple Hall. Because of the damage, Maple is no longer officially the cleanest and best residence hall. In fact, the damage has ruined the building to such an extent that the traditional halls seem like a luxury resort in comparison. At the start of the 2011-2012 school year, Maple Hall, more commonly known as Hotel Maplѐ, had all the amenities of a five star hotel including fireplaces in the lobby, brand new carpet, paint, slate floors, a kitchen, and room service. Now none of this remains. The party, which began late Saturday night and continued throughout the early hours Sunday morning caused everything to be destroyed in a matter of moments. Jeff Powers, a self-described partier was at a loss for words as to how the event escalated so rapidly, but explained that, “Parties don’t really start they just happen.” Kevin Potter, a resident of Maple Hall said, “All of a sudden around 11:30 about fifty people just showed up completely drunk. They began blasting their music and dancing around the halls. Soon even more came in. I didn’t mind because it was E-days and they should have fun.”

After an hour though, the party began going downhill. “They brought in at least two kegs and plenty of bottles of liquor” said Potter. Potter’s estimates are actually low. In the cleanup so far, three kegs and 40 empty bottles of liquor have been recovered amongst the remains. Experts believe that this puts the total number of attendees at around 200 people. Potter’s recollections tell just a glimpse of what occurred. “Around 1:00 AM I started hearing banging through the halls,” said Potter. “Nine guys were running through with hammers and baseball bats, slamming them into the walls and tearing everything up. They were singing the Mines fight song when one of them staggered off, shouted ‘the bell!’ and sprinted out of the building. They were all extremely intoxicated and as far as I could tell, and were not wearing any clothes.” Sunday morning at 1:30 AM the police responded to a call about the wild party. Officers immediately arrived and began sweeping through the building giving breathalyzer tests and issuing tickets. Many of the partygoers managed to escape the building, but those who remained were all ticketed, multiple times. In all, seventy-one students were ticketed and eight students were arrested and sent to jail. When asked about his memories of the party, Powers said, “I don’t remember anything. All I know is that I woke up on top of the bell tower of Guggenheim, all I can think of is that I must have been trying to follow our fight song.”

Internet users celebrate SOPA / PIPA aftermath
Jordan Francis Internet Rebel
Many readers may recall the online outcry a few months back about the proposed Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and the Protect IP Act (PIPA). The two bills were intended to crack down on online copyright violations. Many big name internet sites and online personalities spoke out against the bills, stating that they would allow for unconstitutional levels of censorship and would destroy many sites’ ability to function. This general outrage culminated in an online blackout in early January, after which the voting on both bills was postponed indefinitely. The internet celebrated this as a major victory, its users suddenly aware of how much power they hold when they stand together united. Now, two months later, emboldened by its newfound political strength, the internet community has gone right back to the piracy SOPA and PIPA so rudely interrupted. Everywhere you go online, the relief brought about by the internet’s triumph is palpable. Sites no longer have to worry that freedom-hampering laws might take away their ability to illegally distribute copyrighted material. When asked about the matter, user deadlysoulhunter said “I got really involved with the protests. I called my congressman five times a day! I’m so happy that they’ve been stopped. Now I don’t have to worry about the government taking away my free online manga and forcing me to buy it all from a store. I mean, c’mon, do I look like I’m made of money? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go upload this photo of this limited edition Naruto action figure on Facebook. Can you believe the guy who sold it to me let me have it for only $300 bucks?!?” Another user, fairywings137, said that “it’s really good that we stopped SOPA and PIPA. I mean, this is America, and one thing that makes us great is free speech. Those bills could have stopped free speech! Now, when I put up links to illegally recorded Broadway shows, people can freely call me all kinds of gay and racial slurs without having to worry about censorship.” Truly, this has been a victory for all denizens of the online world. Though it may seem to the untrained observer that nothing much has changed, the stress caused by the bills and the subsequent loss of Megaupload were

In political news, Newt Gingrich has suspended his presidential campaign. The Republican candidate has decided to use his campaign funds to finance the construction of a US base on the moon. According to self-proclaimed Lord Emperor of the Moon Gingrich, “While the first phase of the operation is strictly for myself, my wife, and my campaign staff, we will slowly be bringing in those outside this circle from my most faithful followers as well as miners to provide minerals to our grand society.” It is uncertain when the base PHOTO COURTESY NASA will be complete, but construction is set to begin early in 2013. The United Nations is protesting the move, claiming that Gingrich does not in fact, have any claim to the moon, nor does his misfit band of followers, regardless of what planetary body they are currently inhabiting. But the movement does, however, have its fair share of supporters, one of whom is a mem- Newt Gingrich is the self-proclaimed Lord Emperor of the moon.

ber of the mining department at the Colorado School of Mines. The engineer, Professor Luna Moonraker said, “The Colorado School of Mines mining department has vowed to support Newt Gingrich’s lunar mining colony to explore the challenges associated with mining operations that may arise in the future in equally difficult areas. Furthermore, the claims that the base is a joint effort between the school and Gingrich to conquer the inhabitants of Earth is preposterous. The great Emperor would not do such a thing. I mean, wait. Don’t write that down. Why are you still writing? It was a slip of the tongue, take

it off the record. Okay, good. For a second I thought you were still writing, just please, keep this under your hat. There could be a lot of money in it for you.” Construction for the drilling machinery is currently taking place in a marked off section of Brown Building. There are rumors that weapons are being built next to the school’s particle accelerator. This is only a rumor. There are no weapons. If you are reading this, I am being held in a room underneath Brown in the west wing. Talk to the barista at the Starbucks and give the code phrase “Enuma Elish” to access the underground. Hurry, there isn’t much time.

indeed traumatic experiences for the internet as a whole. Luckily, there are devoted, industrious users such as dark_smoke_puncher working feverishly to return online life back to its status quo. “It’s been a ton of work, keeping things going since the voting got postponed. The government took down Megaupload, which had a ton of videos and other stuff on its sites. You can’t imagine how much work it is to track down the original sources for some of those videos and re-upload them so people can continue watching without paying. You have no idea how long it took me to track down a copy of the Star Wars Holiday Special. The six non-spam comments I get on some of these videos makes it all worth it though.” When asked how he thought the internet might handle any future attempts to pass SOPA, PIPA, or similar bills, dark_ smoke_puncher said “We’ll stand and fight, of course! Just like we did last time! That is, if everybody’s got the time. I mean, we are busy people. There are a lot of stupid cat pictures to see and those comment wars aren’t going to start themselves. But we definitely won’t let the government take our free stuff—I mean, our freedoms!”

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Abraham Lincoln involved This week in Colorado history in supernatural cover-up
Super-exciting week at Mines
Deborah Good Local Historian
This week in 2014, the Colorado School of Mines experienced what can only be described as a unique and fascinating week. It began over the previous weekend. Mines sports teams competed. Some of them won and some of them lost, but no one seemed to care much. When this phenomenon was brought to one athlete’s attention, he said, “Duh…” Meanwhile, the athletics programs were publicized only in one column and some captioned pictures in “The Oredigger” and in a couple of paragraphs behind Preps in the Denver paper. On Monday, students attended classes and did homework. When asked about his day, one freshman said, “I got up at 7:00 AM and went to Slate and then EPICS. The SolidWorks exam is coming up so I tried really hard to pay attention, but my sketch kept being under-defined.” Another freshman said, “I have a calc worksheet due soon, so I worked on it for a little while.” Tuesday, an exam occurred. One sophomore, who struggled through, said, “That exam was really hard. I thought I knew what was going on before I got there, but then I was just kind of confused.” Across campus, a student said of the same exam, “Well, you know, I can still get a 72 in the class if I get better than a 96 on the last exam and the final.” At

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april 2, 2012

Deborah Good Conspiracy Theorist

iPad 3 redefines the wheel...once again
Josh Kleitsch Syndicated Columnist
You’ve seen them. Those people sitting in the back, playing with their oh-so-shiny tablets with awesome screens and super-slick multi-touch interfaces. We all know these people. They’re the ones who flaunt their superior taste in tech by going out and purchasing the newest, hottest, coolest, slickest, bestest, sexiest, shiniest, sweetest, most expensive device they can get their hands on. These are the iPad users. Well, now the rest of us can sit back and laugh at those silly people, because Apple has released yet another version of the uber-sexy tablet. Take that, early adopters. You committed to the lowly iPad 2 and laughed in our faces, well, look who’s laughing now. This thing will blow your mind right in front of your face! The new iPad, as Apple is calling it, comes with a 19-million by 32-million pixel screen, which is enough to zoom in 3000 times and still not be able to distinguish individual pixels. It makes the old, decrepit, senile iPad 2 look like a child’s plaything. In addition to the ungodly screen, Apple found a way to cram a 32-core, 7.8 GHz processor in the still slim 3-millimeter case. Somebody should go search their Research and Development department, I think they’re hiding something. Per- iPad is capable of more than haps a shrink-ray, or a civilization you can possibly imagine. Sevof super-intelligent mini people eral uses not imagined by Apple who are subcontracting all their employees immediately come design and construction. to mind, such as chopping vegIn addition to making a screen etables, playing ultimate frisbee, with a higher pixel density than spanking a disobedient child the sky, Apple has found a way (I might go to prison for that, to make it project 3D images into though. Better not try it.), tenderyour eyeballs, making your mind izing meat, shaving mirror, dinner believe that plate, target w h a t e v e r Apple has not only redefined s h o o t i n g , is on the communiscreen is ac- what it means to use a com- cation mirtually occurror (Such as puter, they have redefined those used ring within your cerewhat it means to be awe- on naval vesbral cortex. sels for sendTest subing Morse some. jects found code.), door the effect so “trippy,” that Apple’s stop, sled, baking sheet, home legal department has forced the defense weapon, shield, and the company to issue a warning to all list goes on. Apple clearly didn’t its customers, cautioning them intend the new iPad to be so useto stay away from the new iPad ful in everyday life, or they would if they have experienced epileptic have mounted rubberized grips seizures. on the sides and equipped it with The new iPad is so amazing a built-in swiss army knife. and real that you could die from The new iPad records 86,400p using it, which some may con- video at 326 frames per second, sider a drawback. Apple has an- which is actually better quality nounced that they will include a video than “Avatar.” It is rumored set of special viewing glass with that James Cameron is planning every iPad purchase. The glasses on filming the sequel to Avatar are designed to filter out the light on a set of four iPads, grouped that makes your mind do funny in twos. This is a game-changer, things, and Apple hopes that the not only in the home, but also on new glasses will help decrease the silver screen. What’s so redeaths associated with the use of markable about the new iPad and the new iPad. it’s revolutionary video recording According to Apple, the new technologies is that the Apple engineers were able to accomplish this level of quality using household items. It’s been rumored by insiders that the engineers built the prototype camera using a pringles can, WD-40, duct tape, and a pair of reading glasses. I Apple has built the new iPad with 42G LTE technology, and I have to say, it’s amazing. You can download the entire content database of Wolfram ALPHA in about 14 seconds, and the internet in about a minute and a half. Apple found a way to make this thing a world-beater, and nobody knows how. AT&T, Verizon, Sprint, and T-Mobile are fighting to offer the iPad exclusively on their network, but Apple has made it clear they have no desire to put such a huge limitation on this device. After all, forcing people to use just one crappy network would just be stupid. Storage on the new iPad has been one major obstacle standing in the way of the device’s dominance, but Apple discovered that they could simply set up the device on iCloud, run by Apple, and store all the necessary information there. That’s how you are able to download the internet without running out of space on the prodigious 8000-exabyte solid state drive. The new storage technologies Apple came up with are quite unique, as they involve harvesting the tears of a jaguar and placing them in an ultra-thin

least one student reported the exam was “not so bad,” but whispered this before running away, lest he be spotted and identified as a scapegoat. Wednesday, students drank coffee. A frazzled looking junior explained, “I need it to stay awake.” Another chimed in, “Yeah, there’s kind of a lot going on this week. Between all my normal homework and that McBride paper, I think I’ve slept… I can’t count anymore… not much.” The jittery, caffeine-powered students out and about seemed concerned to be exhausted and could clearly be heard muttering about the evils of procrastination. Thursday, men outnumbered women on campus. The ratio remained of minimal concern to the ladies, except for a small group conducting research on it. They established from their surveys that male students with longer periods of singleness who also reported they “would strongly like” to date a female were most distressed by the ratio. Friday, this particular “Oredigger” writer should not have been able to write about because her deadline is totally on Thursday, but she is a procrastinator. Additionally, if this is 2014 as stated above, she will also graduating soon and has senioritis. So, anyway, on Friday, people slacklined on Kafadar. The weather was 75 degrees Fahrenheit and sunny. Students used this as an excuse to procrastinate on their homework.

The sixteenth President of the United States is one of the most influential and best studied figures in American history. But is everything we know about “Honest Abe” a lie? Newly discovered documents indicate it just might be. While cleaning the attic of a noted Lincoln biographer in Flat Rock, North Carolina, archivists stumbled upon an extremely rare early manuscript of his multi-volume Lincoln biography. This manuscript, at first glance, appeared to contain all of the same information as its published counterparts. It began by recounting Lincoln’s childhood, then continued into his time as a young man on the Mississippi River and in Sangamon County, Illinois. But while published editions continue on to Lincoln’s entrance to politics and his eventual path to the presidency, this manuscript contained another chapter. Archivists’ attentions were drawn to the chapter when a letter signed by Calvin Coolidge fell out. Although the full contents of the letter and chapter have not been released, preliminary information has fascinated the archivists. The letter, typed on official White House stationery, ordered the biographer to omit chapter 20, as the information was deemed detrimental to the office of the U.S. president. The chapter itself, one lucky archivist tells us “recounts the most exciting history you’ll ever hear.” What’s so exciting? She was not allowed to give specifics, but she hinted saying, “Let’s just say Hu-

mans vs. Zombies might become a contents of chapter 20, after which serious President’s Day tradition.” he changed his opinion to “Cool!” Another scholar among those who Despite the minimal informasaw the papers elaborated a bit tion available to the public, some more on the condition of anonym- are already arguing for greater ity, “Abraham Lincoln is known as a investigation of historical figures. witty, honest, self-taught politician, One man asked, “If Lincoln hunted lawyer, and American hero, but zombies, who knows, maybe Thehe’s more than that. Lincoln’s repu- odore Roosevelt’s obsession with tation as a rail-splitter, well, what he the navy was a cover for fighting was splitting may have been more sea monsters. Or maybe Washingundead creature than chopped ton helped us gain independence down tree.” from werewolves. Or, no one’s ever Obviously, this sort of revela- heard of Millard Fillmore because tion is of interest to everyone, but aliens kidnapped him!” A widethe makers of “Abraham Lincoln: spread call for “National Treasure” Vampire Hunter” are especially screenings and official checks on intrigued. When asked for com- major documents has also arisen ment, one person associated with and has been gaining support on the production said, “we were just internet forums too numerous to kidding about that. Geez, no need mention. COURTESY US LIBRARY OF CONGRESS to bring us all your conspiracy—Ah, excuse me, um, uh, We at ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’ are excited to see this new information and think ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire and Zombie Hunter’ has a certain ring to it.” Meanwhile, while no official White House statement has been made, sources close to the president say he remarked, “Oh God! Don’t we have enough conspiracy theorists?!” Until, that is, he read the Has US history lied about “Honest Abe?”

nanometer film that is capable of storing 1,000 times more than a standard hard disk. Unfortunately, jaguars don’t cry very often, so they’ve had to hire South American tribal warriors to use blowguns to take down the jaguar, then tickle it until it cries. As you can well imagine, the process is fairly labor-intensive, which has contributed to the cost of the device. At the end of the day, nobody cares about how awesome a device is if it sucks to live with day to day. Thankfully, Apple had livability in mind when they designed this tablet, and it shows. There aren’t many devices that are more glorious than the new iPad. It really is better than the best, and that is no exaggeration. Every morning I wake up to a hot meal, served in bed, accompanied with a cup of piping hot Kaladi brothers coffee brewed in a French press. At night the iPad sings me to sleep with its 13.1 surround sound speakers playing my favorite songs, while giving me a back massage with its excellent haptic feedback vibration. Yes folks, back massage. This thing rocks, hard-core. I’m talking heavy-metal, tear your face off, ten foot tall subwoofer rocks. Apple has not only redefined what it means to use a computer, they have redefined what it means to be awesome. The new iPad. Let it be known.

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april 2, 2012

“Hunger Games” Nickelback is the band leaves audience of our generation famished
Lucy Orsi Nickelback Fan Girl Josh Kleitsch Digester of Film
The Hunger Games. The title alone brings to mind images of hamburgers, burritos, and pizza. Sadly, that is not what this woefully inadequate movie is about. This so-called “film” is about the triumph of a lone girl over hordes of hungry children that are out to get her. Okay, that’s not true either. But it’s a lot closer to true, I think. The story opens with a dystopian universe as the background, a young girl as the protagonist, and an authoritarian government as the villain. This world has been seen many times in recent years, with movies such as “The Book of Eli,” “Equilibrium,” “Serenity,” “V for Vendetta,” and arguably the greatest dystopian movie of our time, “The Matrix.” Beware, Suzanne Collins, for it is among great company you stand. The title of the film is among the least creative I’ve seen in a long time. It’s a marketing ploy by theaters, to try to make COURTESY LIONGATE FILMS people really hungry when they see the movie, so they’ll buy more super expensive candy and popcorn. That’s it, I figured it out. The game’s over, so nobody needs to be hungry anymore. The name would make a lot more sense if the main character, Katniss, actually looked a little more like she was actually hungry. Instead she looks quite healthy and well-fed. That doesn’t really fit with the whole dystopian food shortage concept. If she was supposed to be a great hunter or something, I guess that would make The movie title is a marketing ploy to get sense, but then why the audience to buy more theatre food. was her family going hungry that one time when Peeta “whatshis-name” gave them food? This movie is so inconsistent, I don’t get it. Overall the movie is fun, I guess. The problem is that it’s so full of cliches. You have a dystopian universe; female heroine taking the place of her younger sister and falling in love with the other tribute from her district; a rule change halfway through the games, which gets reversed right at the end, for a more dramatic ending girl; and boy deciding to eat poison berries to force the rulers to let them both win; boy getting sad that girl tricked him, then girl feeling bad for tricking him. This story is as far from original as “Transformers: Dark of the Moon,” only without the giant robots beating the crap out of each other. Why do people want to see this. I don’t get it. If you’re going to go all dystopia on us, at least make it something entirely new and different. All this cliche crap that Suzanne Collins threw at us needs to go away. Every social group has a barometer for taste. Wine connoisseurs scoff at those who enjoy cheap brands, foodies look down on diners who frequent McDonald’s, and movie snobs laugh at anyone who likes anything with Katherine Heigle or Zac Efron in it. In the music world though, arrogance holds less merit. One can mock people who listen to Brad Paisley, but for the most part, this comes more from a distaste for country music than anything else. Certainly, within the genre of pop country, he fits in well. Recently though, the music world seems to have found a cure for this problem, Nickelback. Despite ranking as the eleventh best selling music act of the 2000s, Nickelback probably is not far below Al Qaeda on the list of the world’s most hated groups. Somewhere in between the first time “This Is How You Remind Me” debuted on the radio and the millionth time it was played that same day, people developed a loathing for the band. Four albums later, the music world equates buying a Nickelback album with buying a Zune. Curiously, Nickelback continues to sell many albums. Like cheap wine, the connoisseurs will make fun of you, but why listen to a group of people (the wine tasters) who spit in public? You’ll have more fun drinking wine from a box than pretending to appreciate the complexities of some expensive bottle. From this

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Slate recives rave reviews
Jeffery Hibbert Stomach of Steel
One does not simply dine oncampus at Mines without enjoying the wonder that is the Slate Café. It is the primary campus eatery not because all other options have unfortunately strict hours or painfully small portions, but instead because it offers a wide variety of foods one would not expect at a college dining hall. Upon entering, one cannot help but be taken aback by the beautifully muted color pallet that accents the columns and walls layered with authentic rocks. The refreshing décor can only truly be appreciated by visitors to the Slate during later hours, as the dim lighting fully accentuates the lack of luster that the rockcovered walls have. Instead of cancelling a date because of a pesky blemish on your face, change your plans to the Slate. If you arrive at the right time, you and your date will have a magical time as you stare at what you hope is the outline of the person you walked in with. Slate Café has been able to create surprising fusions of traditionally style food you would never want anticipate upon entering. The eatery has single-handedly taken the author around the world, and taught me more about different cultures than I would have ever learn in a single semester of human geography. Slate has received rave reviews for its Cajuninspired spicy shrimp macaroni— a student favorite. It has also put a spin on several Asian classics such as vegetarian lo mein, which is served edgily chilled. When the workers of Slate Café are not sending students on trips around the world with their food, they are bringing bits of culture to the students. No one can forget the day that the Slate was turned Central American to celebrate Hispanic History month, complete with a mariachi band. One thing the owners of Slate Café have focused on is avoiding discrimination of international students by

perspective, Nickelback makes to- listener up to new ideas. The song tal sense. While they lack sophisti- “Midnight Queen” provides some cation, they pack enough punch to biting social commentary on the subjugation of women with the get you drunk. It’s easy to jump on the band- lyrics, “She’s gonna lick my pistol wagon and make fun of anyone clean.” Nickelback finishes the alwho listens to Nickelback, but bum with one of the best closers most people never actually give of the decade in “Don’t Ever Let It them a chance. If they took the End,” with yells of “don’t let it end.” time to listen to a full album, they Ironically, this ends the album. might discover that it actually mer- Clever nuances spread throughout its a lot of praise. Take their new- the whole album make “Here and est album, “Here and Now,” for Now” one of the best of the deexample. The rhyming in the first cade. It is hard to hear them over track “This Means War” completely Ryan Peake’s breathtaking guitar revolutionizes songwriting, “And or Daniel Adair’s pounding drums. the only thing to save/ is the ban- Clearly, this album needs a couple ner that you wave/ to be wrapped of listens to get all it has to offer. Okay, I cannot do this anymore. around your grave.” Honestly, how This band stinks. They deserve all did they come up with that? The themes on the album display com- of the hate. COURTESY ROADRUNNER RECORDS plexities that no other band even attempts to strive towards. On “Bottoms Up,” Chad Kroeger croons as he points out the moral complexity that, “Hell can’t handle all of us, so get your bottles up.” The album then takes a turn for the serious on the very next track as Kroeger begs us to “stand together” after pointing out that “there’s bullets flying through the air… we watch it happen over there/and then just turn it off.” These lyrics really open the Users should give the band a chance

Brain Stew
Caleb Speirs Zombie
Gurgle splat splat Greeeenn Daaaayyy ghuuurrrhggg meeueuuughhhglghg.... lluuururuurrrrroghhglle glurg splech hurl ilshpleh. Tugh lururrghl splech gurg meeueuuughhhglghg. Heeerrrsh mleh gurg. Ingredients: *1 brain per zom bie-friend *1 cup all purpose flour *2 cloves garlic minced *1/2 bunch italian parsley chopped *1 lemon

A smart and delicious dinner
*1/2 stick salted butter *salt and pepper Whelch spit glis froghghghl en blechhh hekk gurg a nnnugh blat kklogh add braaainnssssssss. Sauthhk splat gurgle brooown, hillch bashlll gigh blurghgh hekk eeelll brooown. Ghuuurgh en lluuurururgh mleh. En ishluurgh bleechh splech 3-4 Tblspn blat kklogh lururrghl splech gurglic. Squeeze leemm ent gurglic en purssssley mechull, skla, en plech splech braaaainnnsssss.

showing them the long-standing American tradition of breakfast for dinner. Unfortunately, the breakfast for dinner program was cancelled. Along with a buzzing atmosphere and innovative menu, Slate Café should also be recognized for its warm-hearted employees. Whether making small talk with you while preparing a sandwich or yelling at you that they need to get through the line to restock the desserts, you never forget the community feeling that is truly unique to Mines. If you honestly cannot decide where to eat and you are on campus, give the Slate Café a try. You will be amazed by what you will find.
STEVEN WOOLDRIDGE / GOLDDIGGER

Slate Cafe offers a surprising fusion of traditionally-styled food.

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april 2, 2

SOAP BOX DERBY
JESSICA HO / GOLDDIGGER

JESSICA HO / GOLDDIGGER

Participants competed on Sorority hill for the derby crown.

Ben Albu lines up at the start in his homemade derby car.

Mines donors
experience by fact: nearly

ORECART PULL

IAN LITTMAN / GOLDDIGGER

brighten your future

fact: The Mines Fund helps To illuMinaTe your Mines

completes your education
Learn how the mines fund has made a difference for you at giving.mines.edu/students

Tra

diT

ion

s.

Fun din pus aM gc i ac T viT ies and d ov e bel

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1/3 oF your educaTion is Funded by ouTside supporT.

Students race down Colfax for a chance to show Denver their true Mines’ spirit.

2012

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CARDBOARD BOAT RACE
BARBARA ANDERSON / GOLDDIGGER

JESSICA HO / GOLDDIGGER

Connor Fiechtner and Adam Huerta refuse to abandon ship amidst certain peril.

The “Costa Concordia” was the most seaworthy vessel of the day and made multiple trips down Clear Creek.
BARBARA ANDERSON / GOLDDIGGER

BARBARA ANDERSON / GOLDDIGGER

Some boats fared better than others, but this loyal teammate refused to jump ship.

JESSICA HO / GOLDDIGGER

A simple design often proves to be the most seaworthy.

JESSICA HO / GOLDDIGGER

Rafts were a popular design during the 2012 cardboard boat race.

This crew brought their own party music down the rapids of Clear Creek.

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Golddigger’s writer handbook Look into the future with your weekly horoscope
Golddigger Editor Madame Lafawnduh Astrologist
Capricorn: (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - Today your attempt to convince a friend an anecdote from the internet happened to you will be a success. This will make them think that you are incredibly witty and smart. That being said, this will only work with one friend and not anyone else. To attempt this feat a second time for the purpose of dating will result in a Redditor nearby detailing the origin of the story and thus, [insert gender specific genital slang term]-blocking you. Aquarius: (Jan. 21 - Feb. 18) – Today, the mold in the back of your refrigerator gains sentience as a hive minded civilization. Seize the opportunity to become a god-like figure to be feared and worshipped as opposed to a p o s sible f o o d source b y greeting the mold wearing a stovepipe hat and fake beard. Pisces: (Feb. 19 Mar. 20) – Forget about the money in your bank account today and pursue the finest in hedonism and debauchery. Instead of paying your parking fine, treat yourself to a copy of my latest book of predictions, or on a way to make someone you hate miserable. End your diet, sleep in, maybe even sleep all day. Whatever you want, do it. The world will end soon anyway. Aries: (Mar. 21 - Apr. 20) – You will be assaulted by a wereshark (the proper term is Rokea, but this is irrelevant to the fact you might be eaten by some sort of land shark) on your way back home from class. The only way to defend yourself from such a beast is a tremendous amount of fish and durian. Wear it all over your clothes and eat nothing but that today. Safety first. Taurus: (Apr. 21 - May 20) – Continue putting things off. Your pile of undone assignments holds a spider nest in the core of the assignment ball. To actually get something done today would doom the entire campus. There are only two solutions, fire or laziness. Gemini: (May 21 - June 21) – You are not social enough; fix that today by using social media more. I am certain your Facebook friends want to know all about your breakfast, what news articles you skimmed over, as well as your opinion on the different varieties of bread. Cancer: (June 22 - July 22) – You will pass out today, only to find yourself trapped in an oil painting. Navigate through this new and mysterious world until you find a star made of gold, and then do that a few more times. Afterwards, fight some sort of dinosaur man. When you return from the painting, there is sure to be some cake. I guarantee it will not be a lie. Leo: (July 23 - Aug. 22) – The whisperings of the shadows around you are neither hallucination nor madness. They are beings from beyond the stars offering you amazing power at a reasonable cost. Well, maybe not amazing or reasonable, but it is a limited time offer, and with three easy payments of $19.95 it can be yours for eternity. Virgo: (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – Today will be completely normal for you, nothing special at all. You will just go to class, d o homework, a n d study a bit. You will go to bed. You may have a conversation with someone you do not see very often, or try a new dish for lunch, but I would not bet on it to be perfectly honest. Libra: (Sept. 22 - Oct. 22) – Prevent anything out of the ordinary from happening to your Virgo friends. I sort of messed up a prediction in my latest book and can seriously use the help. Do not worry, you will be compensated. I’ll do some sort of ritual dance thing for you. It really works. You can trust me. Scorpio: (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) – Those around you will finally understand your greatness, for today is the day the stars for Scorpio are aligned to allow the best flow of magic, allowing you to perform level eight rituals, which can only be found in the deluxe edition of my latest book. Buy it today for eight easy payments of $4.69. Ophiuchus: (Nov. 21 - Nov. 42) – If you known about this sign, you seriously need to reevaluate your life. Your personality did not shift when you learned about it, nor did your so called destiny. Uh… but the rest is real. Buy my book to fully understand why. Sagittarius: (Nov. 42 - Dec. 21) – Today you will lose each of your right socks. To recover them, you need to traverse beyond this world and enter the realm in which they have been transported to. For easiest entrance, consult a Cancer or my book on astral travel. That book is available on my website for a limited time for a price my assistant has yet to tell me. As you begin your journey with “The Golddigger” newspaper, be sure to take note of all of the important nuances of the written English language. Its crucial you pay attention to punctuation! spelig, grammaring. Make sure to capitalize Every Possible Word You Can. Capitalization adds emphasis to a sentence, and lets readers know what you are talking about. For clarification purposes, and to make it more interesting for the reader, if you don’t know what version of they’re, their, or there to use, just write down all of them. It is the reader’s job to figure everything out, so you might as well make it easy. The same goes for its and it’s. Always include both, and mix them up to add interest. Commas are very tricky to, deal, with, so you might as well make, sure to place them, strategi,cally so the reader has, time to breathe. An out of breath reader will make your sentences less lively and therefore less interesting which can lead to a shortage of readers which leads to the downfall of human civilization and the end of the world as we know it or perhaps how our children will know it. Run on sentences don’t matter either, again it’s the reader’s job to make sure everything comes out correctly. Now, to deal with those tricky reverse commas. Commonly referred to as apostrophes, they are usually used to pluralize words. So, say you have two boy’s and they want to do something with two girl’s. You would use an apostrophe to make sure everything was in order. Possession or non-possession does not matter as long you have two or more of something, like two bird’s or two bee’s. A reader will have no trouble deciphering exactly how you want your sentence to be read, especially if you make it easy by

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april 2, 2012

Study suggests no parking spaces on Doomsday
Andrew Cook Hummer Owner
Arguments in support of the Mayan Apocalypse received a boost today thanks to a recent study conducted on parking at the Colorado School of Mines. According to the study, the number of available parking spaces on the school’s campus will reach zero on the exact day the Mayans predict the world will end. The organization behind the study, the People In Mediocre Parking Spaces (commonly referred to as the PIMPS), calculated the change in parking spots over the past month and extrapolated out this rate in order to determine when available parking spots would terminate completely. The exact date, as it turns out, just happened to fall on the Mayan Doomsday. “The results were honestly quite shocking,” revealed the leader of the group, best known as the Head PIMP. “My crew spent many late nights evaluating the data, eventually concluding that the results were genuine. They are the best in the business, and I stand behind their excellent work.” “The fact that the Mayans were able to correctly predict the downfall of Mines parking spaces over 5000 years ago is astounding with a capital ‘A!’” said anthropologist Vick Ditale, an expert on Mayan culture and specifically their version of the Mesoamerican Ballgame. The cause of the Mayan Apocalypse has not been well understood up until this point. Even though the new finding is shrouded in mystery, researchers believe that the extinction of Mines parking spaces will be the beginning of the end. “When there are no parking spaces, people are forced to bike to school. When people bike to school, they accidentally run over toddlers. When toddlers get run over, they organize and revolt. This chain reaction eventually ends with meeting Charlie Sheen in a Turkish bathhouse, an obvious sign of the apocalypse,” said one PIMP researcher. Many still question the rate used by the PIMPS, and wonder how the amount of parking could decline at such a fast rate. To answer this, the PIMPS pointed to

foneticully spelling or removing unwanted lettrs frum yor wors. Spelling things write is of the utmost impotence, as is using the correct versions of diffent words. In case you do not remember all those grammar useless rules, here is a tip helpful. Always be sure to place any adjectives after the words beautiful that are being described. Recently, the Spanish language and English language switched rules, so now is a good time to relearn. Also, place the word “to” in front of any word that ends in “ing.” The sentence, “I’m going to writing now,” makes perfect sense. Linking verbs bad too. There it is. If you want to be a successful writer for “The Golddigger,” just follow this advice. It cannot hurt to make up some words if you are unable to think about the thingamigger you want to expressificate. Good luck writing, and be sure to get your HR paperwork turned in soon.

the upcoming “Operation Moat,” the plan to build a moat around the entire Mines campus scheduled to commence in May, which will wipe out nearly all commuter parking lots. They argue that those who doubt their rate “truly do not understand the magnitude of construction that occurs daily on campus.” Perhaps what is most troubling about the whole scenario is a lack of student interest on campus. When asked if they were concerned about the possibility of no available parking spaces on campus in December, one student looked confused and said, “December? Isn’t it April?” Not a single student on campus reported this news as alarming, or even as news at all. Currently, the solution gaining the most support involves an increase in tuition. According to the only man to receive his doctorate in parking studies, Dr. Dre, “If Mines increased tuition by an exorbitant amount, the students would be broke. Thus, they would not be able to afford a bike capable of running over toddlers, avoiding the parking crisis altogether.”

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april 2, 2012

More coming for Twilight fans PBR gets blue ribbon from ‘merica
Arnaud Filliat Team Edward Captain
Stephanie Meyer’s book series, “Twilight” is a story about forbidden love. The book follows Bella Swan on her adventures with Edward Cullen, a vampire. Their intense love leads from one thing to the other and they find themselves with a baby as teenagers. The book series has sold millions of copies to young female audiences. Vampires are the latest fad with movies such as “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter,” and TV shows such as “The Vampire Diaries” receiving unprecedented viewership. The books in the series tell a story of sensual sexual relations between a mere human mortal and an immortal vampire. Edward’s cold marble skin entices Bella and entrances her within moments of their meeting. Vampires normally feed on human blood to live. This creates a conundrum for Edward as he resists the urge to feed on Bella while trying to give himself up to their passionate love. The Edward vs. Jacob debate has been raging and although I personally support Edward I can understand both sides. Jacob, a strong sexy werewolf, and Edward, a cold, heartless, and entrancing vampire fight over Bella, a regular, and sub-par (in looks) teenager. According to Meyer, “Twilight” was only the beginning of vampire fetishes. She has recently written a book called “The Vampire Sex Stories.” It follows a prostitute named Gabrielle that finds herself involved with vampires. Interestingly, she falls in love with one of her captors, a vampire named Jeffrey. The two take many sensual adventures exploring their sexuality and the limits of human and vampire strength. This book has some seriously weird stuff in it, but is set to be released next summer and is currently receiving rave reviews from critics. For those who liked the “Twilight” series, it is a must read.

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Stephen Hejducek Misinformed beer enthusiast

PHOTO COURTESY GAIL DOOBININ, ROGER HAGADONE

Geek Week
of the
translator translated the following meow-isms into common English for your convenience) [Golddigger] Why are you here? [Buddy] Why wouldn’t I be? It’s warm, everyone lets me in, and there are plenty of people to mooch food and attention off of. It’s the perfect situation. Do you harass any other buildings on campus, or just the CTLM basement? Don’t fix what ain’t broken, that’s what I always meow. I’ll ride the CTLM as far as it will take me and when my luck runs out, maybe I’ll branch out. Do you have an owner? Absolutely. 3,000 of them, and I think they call themselves Orediggers. What is your favorite memory at Mines? Haha, oh that’s easy. It was last summer just after Mines’ graduation and I had just had a rough night the night before and had eaten something, let’s just say, probably rotten. The next morning was awful and I wobbled into one of the CTLM rooms and just ralphed all over the floor. It was some nasty vomit. It stayed there for a full two weeks before someone cleaned it up. Wonderful. Worst memory at Mines? Ooh. That’s easy as well. I pushed my luck a little too far with one CTLM student when he picked me up and drop kicked me out the door and into the construction work. I broke four ribs,

Meyer’s newest book is a must-read for fans of the Twilight saga.

enjoyment. The second greatest aspect of PBR, and one that college stuE-days is a special time of the dents find most appealing, is the year when Mines students gath- price. PBR delivers an amazing er together for glorious partying beverage with a large quantity and overall ridiculousness. In the and is frequently featured in one spirit of E-days, “The Golddigger” dollar beer promotions. Many beers can offer cheap reviews the beer of choice of 6.7 out of 5 COURTESY WIKIMEDIA COMMONS p r i c e s , but PBR people, underP a b s t sells all Blue Ribof them bon. while deTr a livering a ditionsuperior ally conp ro d u c t . strued Boastas a “hipster” beer, Pabst Blue Rib- ing almost 5% alcohol by volbon, or PBR, delights the tastes ume, PBR hits harder than other of beer drinkers throughout the wussy, non-American beers. On the topic of America, PBR country, especially those who are on a budget. The flavor of PBR is brewed in this great nation, so is what truly makes it the king of every time someone buys one, he or she helps support all beers. It holds a n d hints of stimupaint thinlate the ner and American econw a t e r, omy. This country and it needs all the help it can get to proves that a get back up on its feet. The next g o o d beer does not need a crisp flavor to taste good. time you are looking for an amazIn fact, the drinkability of PBR, ing beverage, do not forget to get which does not exist, sets this yourself a case of PBR, or as it is beer above all others in terms of better known, America.

Trevor Crane TrevDAWG
We have all been there. Or at least those of us that have had the misfortune of doing homework on the weekends at the CTLM have been there. We are already in a cloudy mood where we would do things that would make Darth Vader look like a saint when our lives suddenly get worse. It starts off as a faint sound in the distance, a soft sound that makes you pull out your headphones to double check your sanity. But you hear nothing and return to your work. Then it comes again, this time louder. You are not insane, as that time it definitely was a “meow” that echoed down the hall. You roll your eyes, put your headphones back in and try to refocus on unsolvable CAE homework, but the damage has been done. The “meow” comes closer, and this time, its originator saunters through the door in the form of a black and white cat, bent on harassment and distraction. This rising legend is becoming a household name around the Mines campus, and despite growing efforts to keep the cat OUTSIDE, the CTLM has become its second home. It now even has a facebook page which I am embarrassed to admit has plenty more friends than I do. For its popularity and status on the Mines campus (well, just the CTLM grounds) the CTLM cat was awarded Geek of the Week honors. (Our full-time animal

had a collapsed lung and was in the vet for six months. I am still paying the bills for that one. How long have you been at Mines, haunting its students? Who knows? It’s been so long. I don’t know exactly how long ago it was, but I do remember that back in the early days, 6th Avenue was just a dirt road. Where do you really live? It can’t be the CTLM can it? No, no, of course not. There’s no way the custodians would allow that. I actually live in a nice little studio apartment on the fifth floor of an apartment complex in downtown Denver. It’s a nice gig and my friends and I go out on the balcony and smoke pipes and discuss Aristotle in our free time. Really. Do you commute everyday, then? But of course. The bus comes right by my street at six in the morning on weekdays, and I’m usually up and running at the CTLM by seven. What is the most common misconception that Mines student have about you? Well, I’m not quite sure, I haven’t had too many conversations with them. But, I would probably say that the most common is that I am just a poor little cat that has nowhere to go. I think people mistakenly believe that they should have pity on me and let me into the building. That’s terrible. Any parting advice for Mines students? Yes. Letting me in the door is nice, but I demand more. From

...CTLM Kitty, Super-senior, Master of lounging
now on bring me some food. I prefer Chinese, but I’ll let you be creative. No, no, no. ACADEMIC advice.

Oh. Psh. I don’t know. My father was in the oil industry, and that’s how I got all my money. I know nothing about hard work and perseverance.
TREVOR CRANE / GOLDDIGGER

For more information about Buddy, visit his facebook page at http://tinyurl.com/CTLM-kitty.

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The Football Informant Upcoming Mines The world is mine now! Sporting Events
James Kergosien Power Hungry Scientist
Hello, gentlemen and (hopefully) ladies of my readership, it is time for a new beginning, the rise of a world that truly does revolve around me. Surely some of you had suspected my supervillain tendencies; however, none of you could have begun to anticipate the full truth. My plans are almost complete, and there is nothing you can do to stop me. Why am I telling you this, you may ask? Why would I choose to reveal myself before the day of triumph, bringing light upon my unspeakable evil? Perhaps I am testing you, to reward those who will serve as my minions willingly in the coming upheaval. Perhaps I simply require an ego boost, or fancy myself a Bond villain, in the full knowledge that Mr. Bond cannot save the day. (He had a small accident last week in Malaysia, and is currently in a secret hospital beneath London recovering from a virulent case of the Siamang Howling Flu.) Perhaps I am simply living up to the example of my esteemed colleague, Doctor Horrible, a.k.a. “sitcom actor” “Neil Patrick Harris,” whose SingAlong Blog raised the standards of egotistical villain monologuery to new heights. But I digress. This is not a monologue about monologues, it is a monologue about sinister and nefarious plots. Of course, I will not tell you everything; no, that would spoil all the fun, and I don’t want any meddling heroes (Yes, I mean you, Racicot) interfering with something critical. Let it suffice that I have been working to recalibrate the Q-beam beneath the Guggenheim dome for maximum lunar disruption, and the missile silo beneath South Table Butte is fully operational. John Elway (a retired Terminator, who having completed his mission took up football for amusement) has played directly into my hands as I knew he would. He has brought P4-TN, a superintelligent android who operates under the pseudonym Peyton, to this city, in the process banishing the Kryptonian prodigy Tebow-Man, and removing the last obstacle to my domination of the region. P4 will be turned, and I will be unstoppable. Quake before me, peons, resistance is useless! But of course you will want to know more about me, your new ruler (Leader? President for Life? Master and Commander? Ooh, I like that one.) Who is this shadowy Informant? What does he look like, who is he close to, what is his favorite breakfast cereal? Perhaps most important, as MTV might ask, what is his crib like? I, like all reputable supervillains, have a secret underground lair, although mine is still under construction and expansion. I am building underneath Mount Zion from a secret entrance I won’t describe. Much of the work is being done with lab assistants; because brainless hunchbacks proved difficult to find, I have substituted CU-Boulder English majors instead, to generally satisfactory results. In the early stages of my exploration, I encountered the outer reaches of the vast CTLM basement, and confirmed what I had long suspected—the CSM Physics department is actually a cover for a secret US Government-run research community of superpowered mutants. (The particle accelerator is an obvious cover story to explain the magnetic anomalies caused by Dr. Magneton.) They don’t like being called X-Men; they see that comic franchise as beneath them, and insist on the use of their official title, the Presidential Society of Roosevelt’s Big Stick. We are close neighbors and I spend most weekends at their office parties; in particular, Professor Carlos Javier makes particularly excellent tapas. As for my plot to inflict unspeakable evil, well, what they don’t know can’t hurt them… yet. Anyway, I don’t really know why I am still rambling on, when I can simply punch this big red button and the world will be mine. It could happen at any time, whenever you least suspect it, even… next Thursday. (Cue ominous drumbeats.) Muwahahaha-wait, what are you doing over there, Iggy? Bad hipster! Drop that right now! Bad hipster! What are you doing you’re going to— End Transmission.

s p o r t s

april 2, 2012

April 2nd Quidditch Tournament April 3rd Hippy Hacky Sack Competiton April 4th Freshman Calculus Race April 5th Professor Keg Race April 6th Golden Bar Crawl Triathlon April 7th - December 21st CTLM Computer Login Race

Athlete
TrevDAWG Obscure Sports Enthusiast
In light of the recent hiring of a certain Peyton Manning by The Denver Broncos, “The Golddigger” thought that highlighting Mr. Manning as Athlete of the Week would be a fitting honor for the newest Denver sports legend. But upon calling Manning’s “people,” his booking agent asked what sort of stunt we were pulling, and when he found out we were serious, proceeded to put down his phone and laugh constantly for the next 29-and-a-half minutes. But we at the Oredigger refused to let this humiliating event haunt us, and soon we had another plan. We would do the next best thing and feature Peyton’s brother, Goober Manning instead. Not only would we have our Athlete of the Week, but we could stick it to Peyton by interviewing his brother instead of him. Goober Manning, the fourth, and completely unknown, Manning brother, is currently a sophomore at Mines. And even though his throwing motion makes Mr. Tim Tebow look like Joe Montana, he is still worthy of attention. Goober recently set the Guinness World Record for most consecutive corn dogs eaten in three days in the state of North Dakota with-

of the

Week (Not to be confused with peyton) ... Goober Manning
Cleveland team. The Browns? Yeah the Browns. I just love their uniforms, and doesn’t that Lebron James guy play for Cleveland or something? Nice, you’ll be lucky if they win two games. Any other hobbies? I am a wizard at the serpent [a musical instrument]. Look it up on google, it’s pretty legit. I play it pretty much all the time, so if anyone wants to hear some ridiculously awesome tunes, just stop by my place. Do you have advice for Mines students? Don’t ever make Peyton mad when he’s holding a football. If he pelts you with one of his throws, you will wake up with at least one limb missing. Oh, and when it comes to Mines, stay indoors during humans versus zombies. Mines students don’t mess around during that game.

out vomiting, and with a solid 0.9 GPA, is looking to make his mark in the Environmental Engineering industry. He knows nothing about sports and believes that football is actually played with the feet, but needless to say, he is far more interesting than his brother Peyton. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Goober Manning. [Golddigger] What sports are you good at? [Manning] Oh, all of ‘em. Well, good at watching them at least. I have four different screens up in my apartment at all times and watch everything from badminton to curling. Did Peyton consult you at all during his free agency decision? He would ask me which color tie he should wear to the press conferences (I know my fashion), but other than that, no. Not at all. What was it like growing up as a Manning. Since my other brothers are so athletic, and I’m, well, still waiting to hit my prime, I got beat up a lot. When we played sports like tee ball, they would make me play catcher and “accidentally” hit me in the face with the bat when it was their turn to bat. It was very traumatic. Ouch. Well, at least you’re good at eating corn dogs, how

many can you eat at a time? When I broke the world record, I ended up eating 1,362 over three days. It was a proud moment for the Manning family. Wow, 1,362? I’m not sure that’s even possible. It is! Honest! I counted each one three times, and I’m good with numbers, I go to Mines. But it actually wasn’t that bad. Eli deep fried each one and c’mon, who doesn’t like things deep fried? (The Mannings are from the deep south.) Are you glad to have Peyton living close by now that he plays for the Broncos? Yessir, absolutely. As I said before, I was the youngest Manning bother and often got picked on. I’m looking for my revenge now. Peyton, if you’re reading this, I challenge you to a COD duel. If I win, I get to beat your face in with a baseball bat. Wow. Moving on, if Peyton were to play against Eli in the Super Bowl, who would win? To be honest, I know nothing about football, but Peyton has the higher jersey number, and he always seems to win when I play with him in Madden 2012, so I’ll go with Peyton. Who is your pick to win the Super Bowl this year? Uh, I’d have to go with that

Goober admits he knows nothing about football, but thoroughly enjoys throwing this pigskin around.

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o p i n i o n

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Study Break
Top ten things that are Obama’s fault
Jordan Francis GOP Nominee
As the election year races on, the newer candidates continue to engage in the time-honored tradition of blaming the incumbent for all kinds of past wrongs and grievances. Through careful research, I have found the top ten problems for which Obama is most definitely responsible. 10. The impending 2012 apocalypse 9. The malfunctioning Mines “M” 8. The sinking of the RMS Titanic 7. The Jersey Shore 6. The Physics test grade average at Mines 5. The Mines guy-to-girl ratio 4. M. Night Shyamalan’s “The Last Airbender” 3. Mass Effect 3’s ending 2. Rebecca Black 1. Hipsters

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o p i n i o n

april 2, 2012

Minds at Mines E-days activities
Ian Mertz Asst. Copy Editor
This year’s E-pocalypse days had the unfortunate side effect of creating multiple personalities in approximately 37.49 Mines students. The lack of a fireworks show, coupled with glowing green slime found in a coffee mug left in the Computer Commons caused the changes. Students affected by the multiple personalities are difficult to spot, however research from adjunct professor Pelayhoff U. Kiddenmee indicates they have a strong desire to watch the latest Tim Tebow news on ESPN, if only to argue with themselves about it. To determine how the multiple personalities affect the ability of a single Mines students to answer a simply worded question, Minds at Mines stalked the Digger Den and student center lobby waiting to ambush anyone “pulling a Smeagol” during an episode of Sports Center. This week, Minds at Mines asks, “What was your favorite activity during E-days, and why?” I enjoyed all of the bright colours at the Edays brown paper boat regatta. My favourite boat was the one that spun anti-clockwise and was dashed upon the rocks, only to right itself and make it to the finish line. It was quite a good show, jolly old boy, what what. -Sir Reginald Highbrow-Longstockington

Grinds my gears
Jarrod Sparks Smokey the Bear
You know what really grinds my gears? Forest Fires. Seriously people, we’ve seen Smokey Bear on TV and on signs all our life, and still we don’t seem to get it. Sure, some are caused “naturally” by lightning and spontaneous combustion, but for the most part, forest fires are 90% people burning letters from exlovers and 10% camping fires gone wrong. These fires have stopped affecting bears, woodpeckers, beavers, and coyotes, and have started affecting my day to day life. The fireworks show, my favorite part of E-Days, has been postponed for the second year in a row because of fire danger. For once, I would like for the forest fires to start after E-days. It is as if the forest service gets together, looks up when E-Days is, and then says, “Let’s let a little fire burn for a while to get those engineers all riled up.” Well guess what, I’m riled. Furthermore, I think that Smokey’s been lazy recently. This year, what with the relatively mild and short winter, Smokey did not get his yearly hibernation quota. Thus, when springtime finally rolled around a few weeks ago, Smokey came out, looked at his calendar, and then crawled right back in his cave for another month. Mines students need you Smokey, so get out of that cave and start stopping wildfires so we can have fireworks. You know what also grinds my gears? That sulfuric smell as you go east on 58. The bad part is, you always forget about rolling up your windows or putting your climate control on re-circulate until you’re already in the thick of it. I have no clue what that place is, but from the satellite photos it looks like it is some kind of evil science lab or water boarding facility. Either way, it smells and I don’t like it. The worst, though, is when all the stars align against you and you have the damp hops smell from Coors intersecting with the sulfuric smell from the evil science lab, sending your nose into a disgusted frenzy not experienced since Boulder on 420. It is just a matter of time before one of the 60,000 retirees living in Golden goes on their daily walk, gets lost (as old people often do), and winds up suffocating as a result of that noxious gas entering the atmosphere. I’m all for bringing a more vibrant population to Golden, but biological warfare against senior citizens is not the way to go about it. That place has got to be breaking some kind of law, and it needs to move or be shut down. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what grinds my gears.

Mines is such a lovely place
Anonymous Content Mines Student
Mines is such a great place to live and go to school. The place is full of wonderful, bright, happy people, and all of the professors are so nice and barely give any homework. Just last week I was thinking to myself about how great Golden is, and how it is just lovely all year long. The weather is great, it rarely snows, and there is never any bad wind. I do not know what is wrong with all of these people that complain about Golden all the time, it is really a fantastic place to be. Clear Creek makes life here gorgeous, with lush trees growing out over the water and the sound of the rapids lulling me to sleep as I nap by the creek’s green banks. Ahh, sublime. E-pocalypse days was last week, and I totally loved it. We towed an ore cart all the way down west Colfax Avenue to the capitol building downtown, and got free Chipotle at the end of it. I use the word “pull” liberally, because I actually got to ride with one of the police officers on the back of his motorcycle. He gave me a doughnut and a bottle of gatorade, and of course he complimented me on finding the easiest way to complete the Ore Cart Pull. When the line for the burritos started forming, I crawled between the legs of everyone in line and got the first burrito. The Blue Key guy gave me an extra burrito too. Then the 9news helicopter pilot told me he would give me a ride back to Golden in his helicopter. I love all of the perks I get just for going to Mines. Speaking of the school, I am always impressed by the food found on campus. The Slate Cafe is so good, it makes my mom’s cooking look terrible, but don’t tell her I said that—I love my mommy. Sodexo makes the best burritos this side of Salida, I swear. It’s like they’re made with the tears of a jaguar, they’re so good. I bet they sprinkle pixie dust on the beans when they cook them. Those Sodexo beans just make me so happy inside. All my classes are so much fun. Yesterday, in Intro to Homebrewing (BEER101) we learned about how to make Abbey-style Belgian ales, similar to Chimay Red or St. Bernardus Abt 12. We will be brewing a cream stout next week, which should be ready by the end of finals this semester. I’m so excited to be learning how to make all of my favorite bears. My Soil Mechanics instructor gave us all a week off of class for E-days this year, so that we could all get drunk and not have to worry about doing homework. She is so nice. In fact, all of my professors

I didn’t really participate in any scheduled E-days activities, but I did find out that Peyton Manning and I use the same kind of toothpaste. It’s amazing what you can find out about someone when you lean a ladder up against their house. Also, I’m pretty sure our heads are the exact same shape. -Peyton Elway Davis Jr.

My favorite E-days activity was drinking lots of REDRUM—that and breaking down a few useless doors. -Jack Torrance

I liked drinkin’ all the moonshine me and my buddy Cooter brewed down by Clear Creek when no ones was a lookin’. That water was pretty cold, but I think the arsenic and heavy metals made a darn smooth drank. They prob’ly do less damage to your brain than the liquor does anyway. -Buford the Hillbilly

After the Ore Cart Pull they had burritos. Mine was full of all kinds of chiles including but not limited to: chipotle, ancho, poblano, jalapeno, serrano, habanero, New Mexico, Anaheim, Guatemalan insanity, ghost chile, and last but not least, the Chile of the Rocks. Needless to say, it was quite the meal. -Bobby Fillet

are super nice. The other day I was walking along on my merry way, heading to class, when one of my professors caught up to me, and walking along beside me proceeded to explain to me that he had misgraded my last exam in his class, and that I had actually gotten a perfect score. Because of his mistake, he told me that he added 5% to my score. Needless to say, I was overjoyed. I think my overall class average is a 99.8%, because I forgot a decimal point in part of an answer on a homework once. But that’s okay, I still have an A. I don’t know why everyone complains about homework at Mines, it’s really not that hard. I spent about three hours on homework last week for all seven of my classes. That’s only a little bit more than normal, too. I bought tickets to a concert over finals week, so I asked my professors if I could take all my finals early and just not come to class after that. They were all super cool about it, and they said it was totally fine. So I’m taking finals week off and going to a concert, then I’m flying out to Heavenly at Lake Tahoe to do some late-season backcountry snowboarding. The trip is being paid for by ASCSM because they blew up my car last semester. Fair trade, I’d say.

Letter to the Editor
To “The Golddigger” Editor: I know you wouldn’t expect to have readership at the very outer edge of the solar system, but I enjoy studying your cute little inner planet doings. I would be quite sad to cease following this paper. With that in mind, I must mention my grievance. In Volume 92, Issue 19 of “The Oredigger,” a picture of Venus was captioned as Neptune, and quite frankly this offends me. How could anyone think my illustrious hydrogen, helium, and methane was equivalent to Venus’ paltry carbon dioxide? I noticed that the picture had a bit of blue in it. Is anything blue in the solar system now automatically me? By that logic, you are me as the Earth has lots of blue and your school colors include blue. I have never expected a group of humans to have as much wisdom as I, an ancient and regal planet, have, but I do believe that you could attempt to get basic solar system facts right. Sincerely, Neptune 8th (and final—Take that Pluto!) Planet from the Sun P.S. Of course, I’ll never stop reading your paper. We don’t have a lot of options out past the asteroid belt.

ALL PHOTOS IAN MERTZ / GOLDDIGGER Editorials Policy The Oredigger is a designated public forum. Editors have the authority to make all content decisions without censorship or advance approval and may edit submitted pieces for length if you are an idiot and don’t know what you are talking about. Opinions contained within the Opinion Section do not necessarily reflect those of Colorado School of Mines or The Oredigger though you should consider them as such. The Oredigger does not accept submissions without identification or cash money. Submissions more than 3000 words will receive preference.

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