Virginity and Blooming Sexuality
The Sacred Garden
Depending upon your marital history, this may be the first time for you, your spouse, or both. Don’t worry. This experience has been around since Adam and Eve. You’re neither the first nor the last. Release the pressure to impress or perform. Let go of the self-talk and inner criticism. Share your expectations, fears, and anxieties. You have your whole life ahead of you. No one’s watching or judging you. Only do whatever makes both of you comfortable. Before we get started on the details we start with a small introduction to the
body and its inner workings. You do not need to be a doctor or a plumber to understand the details of how our bodies work, but a little biology can go a long way. This is not meant to be an academic treatise, just some relevant basics about the body. The most common erogenous zones are areas that have more nerve endings, and thus can feel more pleasure and stimulation than the rest of the body. For men this includes the glans, scrotum, and prostate gland. For women it is the nipples, breast, clitoris, labia minora, mons, and perineum. Does Size Matter? In popular culture the sizes of a man’s penis and a woman’s breasts are of the utmost importance. In reality, they are over-sensationalized. Whatever your size, it is the most perfect it can be and a God given attribute that should not be looked down upon or altered. Whatever you have will work. In terms of breasts, generally there is a correspondence between body and frame size and the breasts. What is interesting is that it is not the size of the breast but the responsiveness of the nipple that enhances the sexual experience. Similarly, women are less concerned about penis size than men think they are. As women are less visual they are not as turned on by the sight and size of a penis. The size of a soft penis, versus an erect one, has no correlation to the degree of sexual satisfaction. The most sensitive part and the one with the most nerve endings are the initial and middle parts of the vagina. If you are able to stimulate those areas with your penis, that is all that counts.
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It is pure myth that women with large breasts or models have better sex than the rest of creation. In the best case they have the same sex, and in the worst, for people who count so much on their outward looks, it does little to add to the pleasure of sex. The size of breasts and penis are so overrated that many women and men have poor body images of themselves. No matter how good your body, if you don’t feel good, your self-image will become a barrier to enjoying the sexual experience. This does not mean we should become complacent or careless about our body, just not become obsessed by it. Attractive women or men are those who are comfortable in their skin. It is imperative, especially for men, to understand that not all women are endowed with slender bodies before marriage or after childbirth. Women are especially sensitive in the culture we live in about their bodies, so criticisms and poking fun are never appreciated. They can be self-critical, but husbands should never concur. Tell them in an authentic way they are beautiful and what makes them beautiful. Each human being is far greater than the sum of their body parts. It is a package, and none of us have all the best inner and outer qualities that would make us perfect. We do not mean dwell on this, but human beings are interesting paradoxes. Not only in our diversity of being, but also in our creativity do we approach life and sex.
Body Hygiene It is important for men and women to remove hair from the armpits and genitals on a regular basis. This amounts to at least once a month for men and for women after each period. Regardless of your occupation, it is good and considerate for both partners to take a bath before and after sexual activity. If that is not possible, then to do a body wash using a face cloth and soap. Virgin Sex When it is your first time, you will likely experience a mixture of emotions. You may both be nervous, but at the same time so infatuated with each other that you can’t wait to get it on. As you may not have had the time and dialogue to understand each other, remember to take things slowly and gently. You may be aroused, but that does not mean either of you have to prove anything to anyone. Give each other lots of eye contacts, gentle caresses, and kissing. If you feel unsure about where to start, the missionary position (man on top) is usually a preferred position for having intercourse the first time. Ask your spouse and observe how they respond to see what is pleasurable. A woman may not experience orgasm the first time, but she may still enjoy it, and the experience should not be deemed a failure. Remember to use a condom to prevent unwanted pregnancy.
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Arriving at climax will take differing times for both involved. As this will be your first time, it is natural to feel shy about your body and even be embarrassed. As you get to know each other emotionally and physically, these inhibitions will slowly go away. Sex is the ultimate expression of love and should never be used to manipulate. Do not be in a hurry. Ask your wife how she feels and only move in step with her comfort and concerns. If during sex she is not able to have an orgasm, this is neither party’s fault. You have not failed, this is not a race, and you should not be telling anyone what happened. This is your private and intimate moment. Your early sexual experience may not be as satisfying as it is made out to be. However the good news is, it will likely and hopefully improve over time. It is good if you have a trusting relationship with an older married sibling or relative that you ask and share your concerns before becoming intimate. Using your resources, such as this book, will make you feel more confident about the results—whatever they may be.
10 Primary Fears of Virgin Sex 1. What if I get pregnant or an STD? Discuss contraception and sexual history prior to any sexual activity. 2. What if I am too nervous to perform? Remember sex is a whole body experience. Relax, communicate, and lower expectations. 3. How much does it hurt? Intercourse is not always painful the first time. A woman’s hymen may already be broken through activities like sports. If intercourse is preceded with lots of foreplay, the vagina will have prepared itself for penetration. 4. What do I look like? What does my partner think of me? Try to remove yourself from the spectator role. You’re married, and attraction often grows with age. 5. What if the sex lasts only a couple minutes? Read our chapter on slowing down sex. 6. What if I am rejected after the sex? If you need to talk about the experience, do not fear the repercussions. Both parties should appreciate honesty. 7. What happens if I don’t orgasm? Is that bad sex? Forget about orgasm as a single event and focus on giving pleasure as an ongoing experiment. 8. Should I provide oral sex right away? Have a conversation about expectations. Start with what you feel comfortable with, and then move toward what seems more 9. What if I’m not ready? If you have doubts or are even feeling uncomfortable about the sexual experience, communicate these fears to your partner. Do not proceed further unless you have given consent. 10. Will I be able to please him? Will I be able to please her? Intimacy does not exactly end at the moment of climax.
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Post-coital snuggling or spooning can allow you the time to ask questions of what he or she liked about the experience and what could happen in the future. Guidelines for Virgin Sex Sex begins with sexual communication. Start with talking and listening. Do a little self-disclosure, to open things and then be accepting of your spouse. Do not make any judgments or react to anything even if you are surprised. Start off with small chit-chat and build from there. Once your spouse sees that you acknowledge and accept you for who you are, your journey of intimacy will begin. This communication isn’t just a onetime event; it is something you build off in your married life. Eventually you will segue into the more detailed conversations about sex. Again, share what each of you is comfortable with in giving and receiving with respect to sexual touch. For a woman to have orgasm, she needs to have her clitoris stimulated. This is in the outer part of the vagina. Standard intercourse only stimulates the vagina, so that is why we spend a lot of time in the book discussing foreplay. To get things started and for the purpose of this conversation, let the woman be in control. It may be hard for guys to do this, but you want to ease the pressure on your wife. There may some discomfort associated with virgin sex. It is good if the man is not sexually aggressive. This is a period of mutual discovery. Even if one of you has been married before, there has to be a getting to know period. What worked in a previous situation may or may not work now. If you’re a guy you don’t have to know every step and
detail. It’s okay to figure things out as you start this journey. Remember, you can’t read the mind of your spouse, so the dialogue needs to happen way before you have sex. Sexual sharing can only happen in an environment of mutual trust. You must have an emotional connection before the physical connection. For a woman to have sex without pain (assuming there isn’t a health issue like yeast infection), she needs sexual arousal and desire. Or put another way, it is a mental and physical excitement, just like a switch that has been turned on. We use this only as a metaphor and do not wish to reduce this event to a mechanical action. Before you start any genital contact, start slowly with kissing and touching the body, as you slowly explore each other. Gentle touching, is a real turn on when sensually done. Non-sexual touching like a massage can be a great way to explore each other’s bodies and warm each other up. You must be comfortable with physical touch before you can proceed to the next step. Again you should not be feeling pressured to have sex. If your spouse can’t wait, let him know that you are not comfortable, and want to take it slowly. If you feel a sexual desire without sexual touching, you are on a good trajectory. Again, let the woman “drive.” You set the boundaries of how fast and far you want to go. Touching can start with the breasts, buttocks, naval, genitals, and other parts of the body. Always ask permission and proceed slowly. If anything makes you uncomfortable, say STOP. If you want at any point you
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can also turn the lights off or preferably the dimmer down, so there is small amount of ambient light. If he is able to excite your clitoris, with his finger, up and down, or side to side, great. If he has no clue, do not worry. The next step is for the man to expose his penis. When it is not aroused it may be soft and pointing south. With all the foreplay, it should become erect and hard. If you want, and it’s mutually acceptable, the wife can touch it, stroke it, but not excite it so that he prematurely ejaculates. He can explore your vagina gently with his fingers and give stimulation, but again only gently and she is comfortable with it. Some advocate men to use their tongue to stimulate the inside of the vagina, but the finger is a lot more effective. The G-Spot (if it exists) is a couple of inches behind her clitoris, and can help with the arousal. If however, this leads to discomfort, STOP. Ensure your fingernails are short and smooth. This stimulation may help her vaginal walls to become lubricated and can lead to orgasm prior to intercourse for her. When a woman is aroused her vaginal walls expand, making space for intercourse. If a woman is not aroused, then she can experience pain, so this is why slow and gentle is the order of the day. The more aroused a woman is, the less likely she is to feel discomfort and enjoy the process.
One way to caress each other is to let the penis slide between the breasts.
You do not have to proceed to the next steps, if she has not been sufficiently aroused. Do not feel under pressure to have intercourse by going all the way. Intercourse requires a certain level of familiarity. You can stop at this point and just enjoy each other’s company by hugging, talking, and sleeping.
You can start from the top again on another day, until you are both comfortable proceeding to the next step from arousal to vaginal intercourse. Note, not all women are able to reach orgasm (and for that matter neither are all men). However, it is important for the
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woman to be sufficiently aroused so that her vaginal walls are lubricated and wet. This is important for pleasurable intercourse. Putting On A Condom
From Erection to Intercourse
When the woman wants her husband to enter, it may be best to delay shortly and use the tip of the penis to stimulate the clitoris. He may guide it in or you may help him to guide it in, as it is not always obvious when it is inside the vagina. The woman needs to give the assurance to her man when it is in. At this stage, as long as there is no discomfort proceed. If not, gently pull out and repeat the cycle another day, when both of your bodies reach a certain familiarity. Enter her slowly, about an inch, then two and then pull back a little, without pulling it out. The tease is on, and the more you breathe and relax, the more control you will have. The man can vary and increase the depth of penetration and the frequency, never taking the penis out totally from the vagina. We discuss this in more detail in the advanced chapters. If the man reaches ejaculation and cannot hold himself that is okay. Give him comfort. This release in the early stages of a sexual relation is very common. After a refractory period, he may regain his erection, and be able to continue. If going for a second round, the man needs to proceed slowly, patiently, and gently. Sex as it is portrayed in movies, between hot romantic lovers, or strangers having rough wild sex, is based on fiction. Enjoyable sex is based on trust and compassion. If one partner is being selfish and rushing to get his enjoyment, this is unfair to the other. If it is the woman on top position, the woman can regulate the thrusting. If it is the man on top, he can regulate the thrusting to the point of ejaculation.
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Depending on the individual, a woman’s hymen, which is a thin layer of skin, may open up. Alternatively, if it is thicker it will rupture after penetration, and a small amount of blood may come out. Being gentle, especially toward virginal women, cannot be enumerated enough. At a certain point, the man will reach a point of no return and he will ejaculate. Savor the moment. Once the man starts to feel his penis is becoming flaccid again he should gently (while holding on to the base of the condom) withdraw his penis, so that the condom does not leak. Put the used condom into a small bag and tie it, before putting it in the trash. Never dispose of a condom in the toilet as it can not only block and clog the sewage system. After sex, and washing up, men and women like to be held, and reassured. Give each other feedback as to what worked, or how you might try it different next time, but never criticize, only compliment. Remember “honeymoons” used to be a month (or moon) to allow a couple to get to know each other intimately, and intercourse happened only when they were comfortable with each other. Guys want to know if they did well afterwards. Reassure them and tell him if you enjoyed the experience. With time, you will feel a deep and physical emotional attachment to your spouse. If things did not work out, do not play the blame game. There are so many variables, revisit what works and what did not. If a woman is having her period or close to having it, avoid vaginal intercourse— her hormones and feelings may be off or muted.
Prayers and the Wedding Night It is recommended to have the wedding at night. The Prophetic saying is, “Take the bride to her new home during the night.” Both should perform ablution and pray two Sunnah and have prayer to bless this marriage: O God! Bless me with her affection, love and her acceptance of me; and make me pleased with her, and bring us together in the best form of a union and in absolute harmony; surely You like lawful things and dislike unlawful things. O God! I have taken her as Your trust and have made her lawful for myself by Your words. Therefore, if You have decreed for me a child from her, then make him/her blessed and pious from among the followers of the Family of Muhammad; and do not let Satan have any part in him/her.