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This is a work of fiction.

All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed

in this novel are either products of the authors imagination or are used fictitiously.

fated. Copyright 2012 by Alyson Nol, LLC. All rights reserved. Printed in the
United States of America. For information, address St. Martins Press, 175 Fifth
Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.
Design by Anna Gorovoy
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data (TK)
ISBN 978- 0-312- 66485-5 (hardcover)
eISBN 978-1-4668-0254-4
First Edition: May 2012

There are moments in life when everything pauses.
The earth hesitates, the atmosphere stills, and time shrinks and
folds onto itself until it collapses into a big tired heap.
As I push through the small wooden door of the riad where
Jennika and I have camped out the past several weeks, trading
the hush of the rose-and-honeysuckle-scented courtyard for the
chaos of the serpentine maze of medinait happens again.
But instead of mimicking the stillness like I usually do, I decide
to go with it and try something fun. Easing my way along connecting salmon-colored walls, I pass a small, thin man caught in
midstride, press my fingers against the soft white cotton of his
gandora, and gently spin him around until hes facing the opposite
way. Then after ducking beneath a mangy black cat that, caught
in midleap, appears to be flying, I stop at the corner where I take a
moment to rearrange a display of shiny brass lanterns an old man
is selling, before moving on to the very next stall where I slip a pair
of bright blue babouches onto my feet, decide that I like them, and
leave my old leather sandals along with a fistful of crumpled-up
dirhams as payment.
My eyes burning with the effort of keeping them open,

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knowing the instant I blink, the gandora-clad man will be one

step farther from his destination, the cat will land on its mark,
and two vendors will gaze at their wares in total confusionthe
scene will return to one of perpetual chaos.
Though when I spot the glowing people hovering on the
periphery, studying me in the careful way that they do, Im quick
to squinch my eyes shut and block them from view. Hoping that
this time, just like all the others, theyll fade away too. Return to
wherever it is that they go when theyre not watching me.
I used to think everyone experienced moments like that, until
I confided in Jennika who shot me a skeptical look and blamed it
on jet lag.
Jennika blames everything on jet lag. Insists time stops for no
onethat its our job to keep up with its frantic forward march.
But even back then I knew betterIve spent my entire life crossing time zones, and what Id experienced had nothing to do with
a whacked-out body clock.
Still, I was careful not to mention it again. I just waited quietly,
patiently, hoping the moment would soon return.
And it did.
Over the past few years theyve been slowly increasing, until
lately, ever since we arrived in Morocco, Ive been averaging three
a week.
A guy my age passes, his shoulder purposely slamming into
mine, his dark eyes leering in a way that reminds me to arrange
my blue silk scarf so that it covers my hair. I round a corner, eager
to arrive well before Vane, so I can catch the Djema el Fna at
dusk. Banging into the square, where Im confronted by a long
line of open-air grills bearing goats and pigeons and other unidentifiable meats, their skinned and glazed carcasses rotating
on spits, shooting savory clouds of spice-laden smoke into the
air . . . the hypnotic lull of the snake charmers tune emanating
from cross-legged old men perched on thick woven mats, playing
their pungis as glassy-eyed cobras rise up before them . . . all of it


unfolding to the spellbinding pulse of gnaoua drums that continuously thrum in the backgroundthe soundtrack for the nightly
resurrection of a bewitching square returning to life.
I take a deep breath, savoring the heady blend of exotic oils
and jasmine, as I cast a fi nal glance around, knowing this is one of
the last times Ill see it this way. The fi lm will wrap soon, and Jennika and I will be off to whatever movie, on whatever location
requires her ser vices as an award-winning makeup artist. Who
knows if well ever return?
Picking my way toward the fi rst food cart, the one beside
the snake charmer where Vane waits, I steal a handful of muchneeded seconds to crush that annoying ping of weakness that
grabs at my gut every time that I see him every time I take in
his tousled sandy blond hair, deep blue eyes, and softly curving
Sucker! I think, shaking my head, adding: Fool!
Its not like I dont know any better. Its not like I dont know
the rules.
The key is to not get involvedto never allow myself to care.
To just focus on having some fun, and never look back when its
time to move on.
Vanes pretty face, just like all the other pretty faces before
him, belongs to his legions of fans. Not one of those faces has ever
belonged to meand they never, ever will.
Having grown up on movie sets since I was old enough for
Jennika to sling me into a backpack, Ive played my role as the kid
of a crew member countless times: Stay quiet, stay out of the way,
lend a hand when asked, and never confuse movie set relationships for the real thing.
The fact that Ive been dealing with celebrities my entire life
leaves me not so easily impressed, which is probably the number
one reason theyre always so quick to like me. I mean, while Im
okay to look attall-ish, skinny-ish, with long dark hair, fair-ish
skin, and bright green eyes that people like to comment on, Im


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pretty much your standard issue girl. Though I never fall to pieces
when I meet someone famous. I never get all red-cheeked and
gushy and insecure. And the thing is, theyre so unused to that,
they usually end up pursuing me.
My first kiss was on a beach in Rio de Janeiro with a boy
whod just won an MTV award for Best Kiss (clearly none of
those voters had actually kissed him). My second was on the Pont
Neuf in Paris with a boy whod just made the cover of Vanity Fair.
And other than their being richer, more famous, and more stalked
by paparazzi our lives really arent all that different.
Most of them are transientspassing through their own lives,
just like Im passing through mine. Moving from place to place,
friendship to friendship, relationship to relationshipits the only
life that I know.
Its hard to form a lasting connection when your permanent
address is an eight-inch mailbox in the UPS store.
Still, as I inch my way closer, I cant help the way my breath
hitches, the way my insides thrum and swirl. And when he turns,
flashing me that slow, languorous smile thats about to make him
world famous, his eyes meeting mine when he says, Hey, Daire
Happy Sweet Sixteen, I cant help but think of the millions of
girls who would do just about anything to stand in my pointy
blue babouches.
I return the smile, flick a little wave of my hand, then bury it
in the side pocket of the olive-green army jacket I always wear.
Pretending not to notice the way his gaze roams over me, straying from my waist-length brown hair peeking out from my scarf,
to the tie-dyed tank top that clings under my jacket, to the skinny
dark denim jeans, all the way down to the brand-new slippers I
wear on my feet.
Nice. He places his foot beside mine, providing me with a
view of the his-and-hers version of the very same shoe. Laughing
when he adds, Maybe we can start a trend when we head back to
the States. What do you think?



There is no we.
I know it. He knows it. And it bugs me that he tries to pretend
The cameras stopped rolling hours ago, and yet here he is, still
playing a role. Acting as though our brief, on-location hookup means
something more.
Acting like we wont really end long before our passports are
stamped return.
And thats all it takes for those annoyingly soft girly feelings
to vanish as quickly as a flame in the rain. Allowing the Daire I
know, the Daire Ive honed myself to be, to stand in her place.
Doubtful. I smirk, kicking his shoe with mine. A little harder
than necessary, but then again, he deserves it for thinking Im lame
enough to fall for his act. So, what do you sayfood? Im dying
for one of those beef brochettes, maybe even a sausage one too.
Oh and some fries would be good!
I make for the food stalls, but Vane has another idea. His hand
reaches for mine, fi ngers entwining until theyre laced nice and
tight. In a minute, he says, pulling me so close my hip bumps
against his. I thought we might do something specialin honor of
your birthday and all. What do you think about matching tattoos?
I gape. Surely hes joking.
Yeah, you know, mehndi. Nothing permanent. Still, I thought
it could be kinda cool. He arcs his left brow in his trademark
Vane Wick way, and I have to fight not to frown in return.
Nothing permanent. Thats my theme songmy mission statement, if you will. Still, mehndis not quite the same as a press-on. It
has its own life span. One that will linger long after Vanes studiofi nanced, private jet lifts him high into the sky and right out of my
Though I dont mention any of that, instead I just say, You
know the director will kill you if you show up on set tomorrow
covered in henna.


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Vane shrugs. Shrugs in a way Ive seen too many times, on too
many young actors before him. Hes in full-on star-power mode.
Thinks hes indispensable. That hes the only seventeen-year-old
guy with a hint of talent, golden skin, wavy blond hair, and piercing blue eyes that can light up a screen and make the girls (and
most of their moms) swoon. Its a dangerous way to see yourself
especially when you make your living in Hollywood. Its the kind
of thinking that leads straight to multiple rehab stints, trashy reality TV shows, desperate ghostwritten memoirs, and low-budget
movies that go straight to DVD.
Still, when he tugs on my arm, its not like I protest. I follow
him to the old, black-clad woman parked on a woven beige mat
with a pile of henna bags stacked in her lap.
Vane negotiates the price as I settle before her and offer my
hands. Watching as she snips the corner from one of the bags and
squeezes a series of squiggly lines over my flesh, not even thinking to consult me on what type of design I might want. But then,
its not like I had one in mind. I just lean against Vane whos
kneeling beside me and let her do her thing.
You must let the color to set for as long as it is possible. The
darker the stain, the more that he loves you, she says, her English
halting, broken, but the message is clear. Emphasized by the
meaningful look she shoots Vane and me.
Oh, were not I start to say, Were not in love! But Vanes
quick to stop me.
Slipping an arm around my shoulder, he presses his lips to my
cheek, bestowing on the old woman the kind of smile that encourages her to smile back in a startling display of grayed and missing
teeth. His actions stunning me stupid, leaving me to sit slack faced
and dumbwith heated cheeks, muddied hands, and a rising young
breakout star draped over my back.
Having never been in love, I admit that Im defi nitely no expert on the subject. I have no idea what it feels like.
Though Im pretty sure it doesnt feel like this.



Im pretty dang positive Vanes just cast himself in yet another

starring roleplaying the part of my dashing young love interest,
if only to appease this strange, Moroccan woman well never see
Still, Vane is an actor, and an audience is an audienceno matter
how small.
Once my hands are covered in elaborate vines and scrolls, the
old woman reminds me to allow the stain to take hold while she
gets to work on Vanes feet. But the moment her attention turns,
I use the edge of my nail to scrape away little bits. Unable to keep
from smiling when I see the paste fall in a loose powdery spray
that blends with the dirt.
Its silly, I know, but I cant risk there being even the slightest
sliver of truth to her words. The movie will wrap soon, Vane and
I will go separate ways, and falling in love is an option I just cant
With our hands and feet fully tended, we make our way along
the sidewalk grills, devouring five beef and sausage brochettes, a
pile of fries, and two Fantas between us, before drifting through
the squares nightly circus that includes snake charmers, acrobats,
jugglers, fortune-tellers, healers, monkey trainers, and musicians.
Theres even a woman whos set up shop removing black rotted
teeth from old men, which the two of us watch in horrified fascination.
Arms slung around each others waists, hips rubbing together
on every other step, Vanes breath tickles the curve of my ear
when he slips a mini bottle of vodka from his pocket and offers
me first swig.
I shake my head. Push it away. In any other place I might be
game, but Marrakesh is different, and mysterious, and a little bit
scary even. Not to mention I have no idea what the local laws are,
though Im guessing theyre strict, and the last thing I need is to end
up in a Moroccan jail for underage drinking.
Its the last thing he needs too, but its not like he listens. Vane


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just smiles, unscrews the cap, and takes a few swallows before he
tucks the bottle back into his pocket and pulls me into a dark
abandoned alleyway.
I stumble. Squint. Grasp at the wall as I fight to find my way.
Steadied by the warmth of his hands at my waist, and the reassuring phrase that flits through my headthe one Jennika used to
wean me from my night-light back when I was a kid:
You gotta adjust to the dark so the light can find you.
He pushes the scarf from my head, leaving it to fall around my
neck, as his face veers so close all I can really make out are deep
blue eyes, and the most perfectly parting lips that are quick to
claim mine.
I merge into the kiss, tasting the lingering traces of vodka still
coating his tongue, as my hands explore the muscled expanse of
his chest, the taut curve of his shoulders, the clean edge of his jaw.
My fingers twisting into his silky mane of hair, as his slip under
my jacketunder my tank topseeking, discoveringbunching
the fabric higher and higher as he works his way up.
Our bodies melding, conforming into a tangle of grinding
hipsa crush of lips. The kiss becoming so heated, so urgent, my
breath grows ragged, too fast, as my body ignites like a freshly
struck match.
So delirious with the feel of himthe warmth of himthe
promise of himI surrender to the nudge of his fingers working
inside my bracircling, pulling, as my own fingers move south.
Wandering over a well-defined abdomen, then lower still, down to
his waistband. Ready to venture to places Ive yet to explore, when
he breaks away, his voice no more than a whisper when he says,
Cmon, I know a place. The words thick, eyes bleary, as we fight to
catch our breath, fight to keep from pressing forward and claiming the kiss once again. Seriously. I cant believe I didnt think of
it beforeits gonna be epicfollow me! He finds my hand, pulls
me out of the dark and back into the bright, lively square.



At first I go willingly, prepared to follow him anywhere. Though

its not long before Im seduced by the sound of that incessant pulsing rhythmthe trance-inducing lure of the gnaoua drum.
Dairecmon, its this way. What gives? He frowns, brows
slanted in confusion when I drop his hand and keep going, not
bothering to check if he followsno longer caring about anything
other than locating the source of that beat.
I squeeze through the tightly packed crowd until Im standing
before itmy head fi lled with the hypnotic rhythm of that red
leather drum, my eyes swimming with the flash of crimson silk,
gold coins, and a carefully veiled face revealing nothing more than
a pair of intense, dark, kohl-rimmed eyes.
Its a dudea trannie! Vane shoves in beside me, mesmerized by the sight of the caftan-clad male with his hands thrust
high, golden cymbals clinking, body wildly writhing.
But thats all that Vane sees.
He doesnt see what I see.
Doesnt see the way everything stops.
Doesnt see the way the atmosphere changesgrowing shimmery, hazy, like peering through carnival glass.
Doesnt see the way the glowing ones appearhovering along
the perimeter.
Doesnt see the way they beckon to mebeg me to join them.
Only I can see that.
Even after repeatedly blinking, trying to return the scene to
normal, its no use. Not only are they still there, but now theyve
brought friends.
Thousands and thousands of crows that fi ll up the square.
They land on the drummer, the transvestite belly dancer
soaring and swooping and settling wherever they pleaseturning
the once-vibrant square into a field of dark beady eyes that relentlessly watch me.


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The glowing people creep forwardarms outstretched, fingers

graspingstomping the crows to a mess of black, bloodied bits.
And theres nothing I can do to stop their progression
nothing I can do to convince time to march forward again.
So I do the only thing that I canI run.
Bolting through the crowd, pushing, screaming, shoving, shouting for everyone to get out of my way. Vaguely aware of Vane
calling after mehis fingers grasping, pulling me close to his chest,
urging me to stop, to turn, to not be afraid.
My body sags in relief as I lift my face to meet his. Wondering how Ill ever explain my sudden bout of craziness now that
everythings returned to normal again, only to gaze past his shoulder and fi nd the crows replaced with something much worse
thousands of bloodied, severed heads hanging on spikes that fi ll
up the square.
Their gruesome mouths yawning into a terrible chorus that
calls out my nameurging me to listento heed their warning
before its too late.
One voice in particular rising above all the rest, its grisly battered face bearing an eerie resemblance to one in a crumpled old
photo I know all too well.

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