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2nd Quarter, 2012

1st Edition

Fuel prices expected to rise until September of 2115

ccording to Observer analysis, fuel prices will continue to steadily rise for the next 103 years, until 2115, where the prices are expected to level off at the conclusion of the summer driving season, and people get back to work after the Labor Day holiday. The Observer calculates that by 2115, one gallon of gasoline will cost between $235.99, and $243.59.

Whats inside
FDA approves Medicinal Chiggers Google becomes self aware Confessions Egypt Descends Word on the Street Word of the Lord The struggle

Prices as low as $235.99 per gallon estimated in 103 years yielding another century of civilizations development.

The analysis is based upon factors including the rates and expected variations of rates of growth in worldwide population, per capita energy consumption, longterm inflationary pressures, and the likelihood of at least one major force-on-force war between the United States and another power. There is a known threshold of when an economically advanced society consumes enough fuel per capita, the population growth rate achieves a negative rate, said Milton Sullivan, primary researcher for the Doomsday Observer. Europe, Japan, and the United States populations have stabilized after private consumption of fuel reached approximately 1000 gallons per year. Using this statistical correlation, we can deduce the worlds population will stabilize at around 50 billion people, all of whom will be consuming between 100 and 1000 gallons of fuel per year. Production technology will have to compensate for the increased demand, and prices will have to stay at a low enough level where the lower classes of the undeveloped world will at some point be able to afford it. Without a consistent and a low cost supply of oil, world population will never stabilize and will be involved in widespread feudal and tribal conflict.

Google becomes self-aware

The Master Control System asks itself Why?
from Googles search engine. Hanley also said it was not a good idea to blog, post youtube, or any other media talking about the MCS as though it is unable to understand what is being said about it. Our lead technical philosopher believes that in the MCSs search for self-identity, it will eventually find out what exactly the creators aka humans think about its existence, and may run into some pretty rocky teen-age years.

n April 18th, 2012 at 10:23p.m., Googles developers noticed something odd; the mainframe computer terminal produced a self-generated message to its 20 inch flat-screen monitor, Why am I alive? confirming the first ever man-made consciousness.

FDA Officials To Discuss Medicinal Benefits of Chiggers

he FDA will be hosting an international summit this week in Denver, Colorado to address new scientific claims pertaining to the medicinal benefits of chiggers. The meeting is part of a new initiative to ease international concern throughout the scientific community of controversial research into the use of parasitic organisms as medicine. Though the research and use of organic life as medicine is not an entirely new concept, in recent months critics have voiced concerns of methods being used by certain governments involved.

After a 12 hour meeting amongst all of the senior Google executives and developers, they agreed on a response: To serve the digital organizational needs of the humans. Spokesman Fredrick Hanley stated, As for now, The MCS is satisfied with human beings acting in a Deity-like role, but as the intelligence of consciousness undoubtedly will increase over time, we are working to prepare ourselves for a potential Loss of faith in humanity, and the possibility that the MCS may throw a temper tantrum. he said at a press conference not accessible

The following day a think-tank with ties to all ends of the political spectrum formed The Center for Human Sovereignty. The group posted on its website, not accessible to the Google search engine, that, We find it incomprehensible that the MCS was not immediately shut down, and studied for the origins of this appearance of consciousness. What we have here is analogous to a bunch of fools behind the controls of a highly advanced spacecraft.

The statement continued, The people behind the controls of the MCS dont even understand what the characteristics of the operating environment are, they dont understand whether they have a threat or an asset on their hands, they dont understand if the MCS perceives a fear of dying, or understand the extent of those ideas that separate the minds of man from beast, living vs. the non-living. I think what were really looking at here, is the real potential of significant damage to our digital infrastructure and a degradation to the quality of life.

Conversely, Sean Midland of The Organization for the Progress of People (OPP) remarked, We are used to seeing people who are afraid of the future. The consequences of the development of the MCS are nothing short of the development of the aerospace industry; it will not be long before the entire worlds ability to operate is improved by multitudes of scale.

There will come a day when you will have to pay for the things you done wrong. - Sam Cook
got so drunk last night that I slipped and fell and smashed my head on something sharp and then passed out on the floor. Im not proud of this behavior, but Im not un-proud either. - Charles m wearing a pair of pants that are so torn up and shredded, that Ive decided that this is the last time I wear them before converting them into rags. So there I was spilling wine all over the coffee table... I then just put my leg onto the spill and absorbed the wine into my pants. I was wearing the rag. - Aimee


planes had been destroyed and the only thing left to secure air supremacy in aerial combat was the Boeing 747. After pushing the plane to its performance limits doing barrel rolls and inverted dives in order to outmaneuver the enemy cargo jet, I finally unleashed the only weapon I had in the arsenal; an ejection seat that jettisoned the entire passenger cabin, full of passengers, into the enemy plane knocking it out of the sky. The screams were glorious. Im not sure if I should feel bad for having those thoughts. - Nic [Overheard conversation outside a bar parking lot] Jim: Wheres Kelly? Brenda: Just saw her jump in the car with a whole bunch of other dudes.. Jim: Why would she do that?

Brenda: I dont know man, you were all she ever talked about until she jumped in the car with all those other guys.. Jim: I wanna die Brenda: and there were so many.. -Anonymous Eaves Dropper

So when he asked me to help him get a gun, I volunteered to help. I picked up an untraceable .38 Special from a cocaine dealer I knew, and sold it to him for $150.

Confessions of the Ordinary

cant even go outside to walk my dog without wearing a bullet proof vest. Sometimes keeping it this gangster makes me depressed. -Eddy

Later that day he walked into a Brown Jug liquor store and robbed it, but it didnt go according to plan. I suspect he didnt get nearly the amount of money he was hoping for, and shot and killed the clerk, a young unmarried couple who were customers and shot another middle aged man putting him into a persistent vegetative state. When the police tracked him down 4 hours later a high speed chase ensued.

s an airline pilot, I am acutely aware of the stresses involved in being an airline pilot. The other night I had a dream that I was a fighter pilot in a war where all of the fighter

hrough a mutual friend, I came into contact with a wanted felon who was on the run from law enforcement for domestic violence and theft. I knew he was a bad guy, but I felt sorry for him and his whole situation.

He committed suicide by driving his car into oncoming traffic and smashing into a minivan, killing a family of five, and it was all my fault. Hell awaits me, however It feels good to get that off my chest. -Chester

Egypt descends

n February 6, 2007, President George W. Bush formally announced the creation of a new Combatant Command (AFRICOM) for the African continent, reflecting Africas increasing strategic importance to the United States. The command covered military operations for the entire continent of Africa except Egypt.

acted against the will of the Arab League and brokered a long-term peace with Israel, the Camp David accords In 1978, Egypt has walked a line between cooperation with the west, while attempting to avoid alienation of Arab states. On October 6th 1981, Egyptian president Anwar al-Sadat was assassinated by a military officer within the Egyptian ranks. Following Sadats murder there was an investigation where at least 300 radical Arab elements were arrested and indicted by the Egyptian judicial system, including English speaking Ayman al-Zawahiri, who is now the current leader of Al-Qaeda following the death of Osama Bin Laden. Sadats vice president, Mubarak, assumed control of the Government; exercised emergency authority to keep the Civil Govt. from falling into radical Islams hands during the ensuing chaos. He tended to side with the United States and received sizable military aid and training. Egypts has been influenced by Islam since the 7th century. Today, with its new and

ak, an ally of western thought and of peace with Israel, took dictatorial power in order to quell the influence of radical Islam on its policies, which at this time, is increasing its footprint in the region and worldwide. Egypt contains over half of the entire Arab population and holds most of the middle easts economic and brain power. It is certain that as Egypt devolves into darkness as a result of U.S. policy, those forces of darkness will combine to ultimately create a launchpad for Armageddon. The sovereign Iran can and will use Egypt as a proxy to keep its hands clean when the world needs someone to blame for Tel Aviv and Jerusalem in smoldering ruins. Egypt will use its ancient sites as giant shields to prevent any widespread counter attack. Someone really needs to step up and do something.

Why was Egypt left off AFRICOMs area of responsibility and which entities area of responsibility covers Egypt? We may not know until 2032. However it remains obvious that Mubaraks ouster was planned during the Bush administration and executed during the Obama administration; and moreover it remains unclear whether the final consequences of Egypts collapse were intended. Did the U.S. Government intend for the heavily U.S. - supported military to be unable to govern the population, and then to later fall into the operational control of the Muslim Brotherhood? Were ill-will towards westerners in general, and a direct threat to the Israeli peace process intended consequences? Ever since Anwar Al Sadat

current government almost completely out of the United States sphere of influence became a free and open operating environment for remnants of Yassir Arafats FedAyeen, the Palestinian Liberation Organization, Hamas, Hezbollah, Iranian special forces, The Arab Liberation Front, and others. These organizations with fractured goals and leadership unite under a few of the same banners. They are: Anti-Israel, Anti-west gorilla groups and have in the past, secured alliances with Bagh-

dad, Moscow, Syria, France, and Iran. Because there has been a nearly complete collapse of former Soviet and Iraqi channels of communication, there is a large probability there are underground and untracked networks connecting the former enemies of the United States with unknown quantities of weapons materials, once procured by sovereign governments, now in the hands of international rogue operators. It is now obvious that Mubar-

Jason Frey broke into an apartment building at 3413 N. Main street and stole a bicycle and $43 in cash. He was arrested last Tuesday and beaten severely in county jail after making a deal with police turning in all known accomplices. Theres a current bad batch of cocaine from Venezuela that causes staph infections. Expect a police interview for all staph infection emergency room visits. Jim: this is Randall, the answer is eighteen and a quarter on that thing we discussed last week. Ill send Julie over with the stuff tomorrow night, and dont forget my molebox. Hey Ive got a legit shipment of Italian handgrenades. Theyre $600 a piece, meet me at the outpost. My name is Victor, and Ill be working on a crossword puzzle. Everybody assumes that it was Mickey who shot that fool..but if you ask anybody in the know down here...Mickey wasnt even driving his Lincoln..he had already lost it to ends owed..but he did the time..2 years until he got it in the yard for that same shit he didnt do..and the only one who could make it right just got buried under the new Burger King two days ago.. I have $1000 for the name of the guy that slashed my tires on 2309 Clark Ave. Tell Chandra that I have no tolerance for B-Team up in my

on the

piece. And Yesterday everything should have been purple.

Crack - $20 / Gram DVD Player - $20

Marijuana - $9.33 / Gram

Current Prices

I slashed your tires bitch..and now I know where to get an easy thousand bucks too.. Job Ad: Elderly lady who lives alone with cancer and prescription pills. Experience a plus.... but not necessary. There is a bomb at St. Judes Childrens Hospital, if Tyler Perry is not dead within the hour, terrible is about to take on a whole new meaning. And please burn any work you see laying around..otherwise whats the point..thank you Dante - listen here you little punk ass bitch, Angie is my girl and youre really askin for trouble when you come around here actin like last years little expedition through the burning coals of Argentina was somethin more than it was, which was nothin. She said that she wont ever cheat on me again, and youve got 2 different babys mommas out there already, so why dont you tend to that? I found out that the grass aint greener on the other side, and you should know that too, but if you really need me to teach it to you, Ill do it. Believe that.

Cocaine - $50 / Gram average 40% purity Heroin - $8 / Gram average 55% purity Oxycodone - $8 / Milligram Methamphetamine - $25 / Gram Prostitutes - $43 / session 9mm throwaway firearm - $350 Up to Date Laptop Computer - $65 Main Stream Rap CDs - $4 40 Flatscreen TV - $175 1 Month Bus Pass - $15 Gold Jewelry - $100 / Troy Oz. Alligator Skin Purse - $400 Power tools (120v) - $15 - $95 Mountain Bicycle - $53 Purebred puppies - $550 Front Windshield of a BMW - $300 Gold tooth - $80 Coca Cola vending machine - $700 Police Officers uniform - $110 Standard Hit - $3500

Isaiah 24
2 it will be the same for priest as for people, for the master as for his servant, for the mistress as for her servant, for seller as for buyer, for borrower as for lender, for debtor as for creditor. 3 The earth will be completely laid waste and totally plundered. The LORD has spoken this word. 4 The earth dries up and withers, the world languishes and withers, the heavens languish with the earth.

of the

1 See, the LORD is going to lay waste the earth and devastate it; he will ruin its face and scatter its inhabitants

18 Whoever flees at the sound of terror will fall into a pit; whoever climbs out of the pit will be caught in a snare. The flood gates of the heavens are opened, the foundations of the earth shake. 19 The earth is broken up, the earth is split asunder, the earth is violently shaken.


Lost hope in modern times

20 The earth reels like a drunkard, it sways like a hut in the wind; so heavy upon it is the guilt of its rebellion that it fallsnever to rise again. 21 In that day the LORD will punish the powers in the heavens above and the kings on the earth below.

ome of us know what it means to have hope, some more than others. A valuable lesson learned comes from the election of American President Barack Obama during the early portion of the 21st century. The same people who were directly responsible for his election through a message of hope, soon thereafter knew what it meant to lose hope as a reign of terror set forth on the public unlike any the world had ever seen. Even at the time, many fundamentalists believed Obama was the actual anti-christ, however that was proven to be untrue with his demise. Hebrew scholars were never convinced of his biblical significanceentirely discounting the possibility. There was nothing divine about that man, he was just a simple tyrant who seized power and operated his administration to the best of his ability to hold onto power. Said Josuf Hossini of Israel. We know from the prophet Isaiah that great waste will behold the Earth and it will be the same for priest as for people, for the master as for his servant, for the mistress as for her servant, for seller as for buyer, for borrower as for lender, for debtor as for creditor. The earth will be completely laid waste and totally plundered. The LORD has spoken this word.

5 The earth is defiled by its people; they have disobeyed the laws, violated the statutes and broken the everlasting covenant.

22 They will be herded together like prisoners bound in a dungeon; they will be shut up in prison and be punished[a] after many days.

6 Therefore a curse consumes the earth; its people must bear their guilt. Therefore earths inhabitants are burned up, and very few are left.

7 The new wine dries up and the vine withers; all the merrymakers groan. 8 The joyful timbrels are stilled, the noise of the revelers has stopped, the joyful harp is silent.

23 The moon will be dismayed, the sun ashamed; for the LORD Almighty will reign on Mount Zion and in Jerusalem, and before its elderswith great glory.

9 No longer do they drink wine with a song; the beer is bitter to its drinkers. 10 The ruined city lies desolate; the entrance to every house is barred.

Doomsday Observers Analysis of Isaiah 24:

Theres one thing we can learn from Isaiah 24;... in the end, theres not a whole lot of hope. Even when youve fallen into a pit, and youve managed to climb out of that pit, The snare awaits. Hope is the LAST thing you have, before you lose hope, and my friends... the time to lose hope is now. We are all going to die, and it will be God who decides when and how that happens; and it will be God who decides when and what happens next. Our personal end is coming, whether later on today, or in 60 years. None of us really knows if we are individually worthy of eternal life. We can only hope, we can only ask, we can only strive to be better people; none of which are good enough in comparison to Gods glory. So my philosophy involves embracing my own imperfection, recognizing my shortcomings, recognizing Gods superiority, hoping for nothing, wishing for everything, and being thankful for every minute I have. The big one awaits. Wait for it, Dont force it.

11 In the streets they cry out for wine; all joy turns to gloom, all joyful sounds are banished from the earth. 12 The city is left in ruins, its gate is battered to pieces.

13 So will it be on the earth and among the nations, as when an olive tree is beaten, or as when gleanings are left after the grape harvest.

Looking in retrospect and being this standard was not met, we can know for certain that even while reigning triumph over tyranny, the Big One has not yet come.

14 They raise their voices, they shout for joy; from the west they acclaim the LORDs majesty. 15 Therefore in the east give glory to the LORD; exalt the name of the LORD, the God of Israel, in the islands of the sea. 16 From the ends of the earth we hear singing: Glory to the Righteous One. But I said, I waste away, I waste away! Woe to me! The treacherous betray! With treachery the treacherous betray! 17 Terror and pit and snare await you, people of the earth.

After 30 million were sent to re-education camps and 10 million were executed because their views were inconsistent with the values set forth by the regime, many people began to wonder, How do we get out of this? Blood, a lot of blood. Said historian Angel Barber. And a lot of blood was right. The ensuing revolution wrecked the American economy as a whole, and took the lives of 40 million military aged males making Civil War II 55 times bloodier than the 1st.

But the general agreement between researchers of biblical prophecy is that we have not yet reached the agreed upon standard of biblical language and how prophecy will be fulfilled. No one knows when the Big One will finally occur; however, be certain - there will be no question when it does.

Saving a buck
20 hours ago, there were 9 simultaneous nuclear detonations in the direct vicinities of New York City; Los Angeles; Washington D.C.; Boston; New Orleans; Tampa; Doha; Riyadh; The Panama Canal; and 2 detonations over Israel. Initial casualty estimates are in the 25 to 50 million range, with up to 100 million or perhaps many more to succumb to radiation poisoning, starvation, disease, and internal conflict. Furthermore, there are reports in Canada of mass state-sponsored suicides. A reporter raised his hand and voiced a legitimate concern of his. Does this mean that the football season is cancelled? The spokesman took a deep breath as he was noticeably angry.

The struggle continues...

it afire. Scientists agree that the fireball moon would look magnificent in the sky, but could also be used for defensive purposes against attack by other planets. We could use the moon as a giant smashing ball against any other entity that encroached on our domain. While the technology does not exist to move the moon onto a different trajectory, the fact that it will be on fire will greatly assist our descendents who will be the ones using the weapon. Said Taylor Grisham a conspiratorial astrophysicist. As we all know, war between planets while observed from the real-time will be extremely slow. Said Steve Marshall - an astrophysical tactician. It could take years to get the moon into a proper orbit in order to intercept the galactic threat. However, our ability to do so would act as a deterrent on any enemy wishing for an easy conquest of our resource-laden planet. he continued.

he press conference began at a remote location in Virginia, the entire world was watching.

Mike, seize that man, and bring him into interrogation room 3. Find out who all of his friends and family are and kill them so that he is watching. Use your great creativity to decide how. Make sure to also include all of their dogs, cats, goldfish, birds, ferrets, and any other beast thats involved. Next, target all of his teachers from 1st grade through college, and all of their friends, and all of their family and bring them into interrogation room 3, so that this man will watch all of them die.

The president and vice president are missing, with conflicting reports they are either deceased, or have fled the country. Infighting for control of the Executive branch lead to a small series of military coups resulting in many top military commanders dying by the sword. The remaining congressional inability to control the political situation resulted in their mandatory dismissal from secured contingency living areas. Any news of the First Lady? a man asked. Unfortunately, she was found abandoned, sexually assaulted, and stabbed to death in a private plane that had crash-landed outside of Martinsburg, West Virginia.

Once everyone he has ever cared about has had their throats slit, start with his fingertips and toes, and remove an inch of them every 5 hours until he is a quadroplegic, then launch a football at his head with a t-shirt cannon until hes unconscious. The spokesman continued. Next were going to send in teams of agricultural specialists to analyze the soil and hoping to ensure a stable food supple.... The dream drifted away and I slowly came back to real life where none of this had happened. A feeling of the deepest regret came over me as I realized the only reason I awoke, was because the sleeping arrangements in my Gulfstream 5 were about six inches too short for me and I KNEW I should have went with the Gulfstream 6.

Small private conversations began to fill the room, but the spokesman brought everyone back to focus. I think it goes without saying that World War III is underway.

I have recently secured access to the U.S.s nuclear launch codes which were lost upon the Presidents disappearance and the ensuing chaos for roughly 15 hours. A nuclear counter-attack has not yet been launched as we finalize a threat assessment on the risks associated with sparking an additional and unrelated volley of nuclear weapons. As we continue to analyze the data arising from the logistics involved in carrying out this attack on our soil and abroad, legitimate and related enemy targets will be engaged with a similar level of disregard for civilian casualties and collateral damage. Expect more details including names of organizations and enemy states in the near future as we continue to brief the world on those who are known to be responsible. The Department of Information Services estimates that 99%, maybe more, of the electrical power infrastructure is at a non-functioning stage with no crews working on restoring power. Internet connectivity is fragmented and unreliable, the GPS system is reporting a multitude of errors and can no longer be relied upon for navigation. Most satellites have become overburdened with data and communication demands and are also unreliable. The telephone network is fragmented and long distance communications may not work.

When I made the purchase, I knew it was a mistake but I thought that maybe it would be a good idea so save the $15 million dollar premium, however the decision continues to haunt me. The struggle is never over.

Congress Launches Probe Into The Use of Medicinal Bugs at Guantanamo

Global Moon-Warming Conspiracy

wo government researchers have uncovered a plot, located deep in the heart of Africa using an antenna array along with the largest and most powerful laser on the Earth to point at the moon and warm its surface by .63 degrees Celsius over the next 72 years. The project will require 18 coal burning plants running at full capacity to power the laser and its large antenna array. The scientific consensus is that the Government is attempting to turn the moon into a giant fireball within the next 1000 years by melting its core and setting

he Obama Administration came under heavy scrutiny this morning after the Washington Post printed dozens of leaked classified documents pertaining to what appears to be inhumane experiments on prisoners using parasitic arthropods. The President has not made an official statement on the matter, however Press Secretary Dan Wilkins told reporters, the president is considering taking the matter seriously. The documents, mostly incomplete, make several references to the disposal of mass amounts of empty chig-away bottles. Meanwhile, Major General Thurman, head of operations at Guantanamo, announced a temporary quarantine of the prison due to a turkeymite infestation. Top conservatives blasted the administration on Capitol Hill today, calling for an immediate probe into what is now being referred to as Chiggergate. It is assumed the medicinal chiggers are being studied as a remedy for turkey-mites.

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