STUDY ROOM - MORNING ANNIE sits by herself, textbook and laptop open, sharpening a row of pencils. Unsatisfied with the resulting pencil tips, she begins to violently snap the pencils in half. ANNIE (to herself) If you can’t sharpen pencils correctly, Annie, how can we ever trust you with a puppy? Pan to reveal dozens of broken pencils littering the floor and SHIRLEY in the doorway, watching in confusion. SHIRLEY (tentatively) Annie... are you OK? (Annie doesn’t respond) Are you OK? Are you OK, Annie? ANNIE (slowly and deliberately) I have been waiting here, alone, for the last seventeen minutes. SHIRLEY My hair appoint... uh... my sons forgot their lunches this morning. I had to bring them to... ANNIE Yesterday, it was nine minutes. The day before, eleven. Last Thursday, six. All told, I have waited... Annie flips her computer around to reveal an Excel spreadsheet. Shirley moves closer to see. ANNIE (CONT’D) A grand total of 7 hours and fortytwo minutes, this semester alone. That’s a Cougar Town Season Two marathon right there. SHIRLEY (digging in bag) A Cougar whatnow?


ANNIE Every week it’s getting worse. It’s almost as if... SHIRLEY As if we’re starting to treat Greendale like a community college? Shirley drops a pen under the table and bends down to get it. ANNIE I first came here because I just wanted to find a stepping stone to City, or maybe even State. But then we became, I don’t know, a funny little family. An incestuous family where the dashing older brother occasionally sleeps with the weird, kooky aunt. Recently, though, it seems like I’m the only one that still gives a darn. As if my time is less important than everyone else’s. SHIRLEY (still under the table) Oh, that’s not true, Annie. It’s just... Now that you mention it... (She finds a cellphone duct taped to the table) Why is Britta’s cellphone duct taped under the study table? INT. DARK SURVEILLANCE ROOM In a crowded storage room, we see ABED, JEFF, TROY, and BRITTA. An antiquated desktop computer with tinny speakers is playing the last few words that Shirley just uttered. A log with detailed markings is open on Abed’s lap. BRITTA We’ve been made. The crew glares at her angrily. BRITTA (CONT’D) What? I’ve always wanted to say that. (beat) Did Annie call me a kooky aunt? Annie, still in the STUDY ROOM, takes out her cell phone and calls Jeff, still in the SURVEILLANCE ROOM.

3. ANNIE Where are you? What is going on? JEFF It’s too hard to explain over the phone. Come to the storage room next to the woman’s room with the horrible pink vinyl couch. Annie motions to Shirley and the two leave the STUDY ROOM and walk in the HALLWAY to the aforementioned SURVEILLANCE ROOM. Annie remains on the phone. ANNIE Wait... how do you know what’s in the women’s bathroom? BRITTA (O.C.) You don’t have to answer that! ANNIE Ew, gross guys. SHIRLEY What? Did Chang take his pants off again? I thought we had a deal. Annie and Shirley reach the SURVEILLANCE ROOM. ANNIE Okay, we’re here. Goodbye, Jeff.

JEFF Goodbye? We’re about to see each other in literally two seconds. ANNIE It’s rude to end a phone conversation without saying goodbye. JEFF I don’t think that applies here. ABED On TV, no one ever says goodbye. TROY Can I open the door? ANNIE No! We need to end this phone call politely first.

4. JEFF You realize that you could already be in here and brought up to date on the reasoning behind our habitual lateness, right? ABED Goodbye? Goodbye! Goodbye... Doesn’t fit. Slows down the action. ANNIE This is important. Without manners, we’re no better than the animals. JEFF Because if lions and gazelles had proper phone etiquette, the lions wouldn’t brutally murder and devour every member of the gazelle’s extended family. ANNIE (angrily) Goodbye, Jeffrey Winger. Jeff waits about five beats. The camera cuts back and forth between close-ups of Jeff and Annie, as well as tense reaction shots of the rest of the crew. JEFF (sighing) See you soon? ANNIE (beat) I’ll allow it. The crew lets out a collected sigh of relief. the door... As Troy opens SMASH CUT TO MAIN TITLES MONTAGE: The main titles are an homage to The Wire, with a cover of the theme aping the Blind Boys of Alabama. Shots include: the characters, especially JEFF, checking their cell phones, the crew weighing and boxing chicken from “Contemporary American Poultry,” ANNIE and SHIRLEY as ‘cops’ from “The Science of Illusion,” glamour shots of the primitive set up in the SURVEILLANCE ROOM, ending with STAR-BURNS throwing a rock and breaking a POV security camera. END COLD OPEN

5. ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. DARK SURVEILLANCE ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Annie and Shirley shuffle into the cramped room. SHIRLEY Hello... what is going on in here? (notices Pierce isn’t there) Is Pierce dead? If so, I’m sorry for misusing my prayers. TROY He’s taking a ‘me’ day. JEFF Isn’t every day a ‘me’ day for Pierce? BRITTA Look who’s talking, pomegranatescented pumice stone. JEFF I have dry elbows! ANNIE Guys, STOP IT! What’s going ON? ABED (tilting head up and to the right) It all started last Friday... FLASHBACK TO: INT. DEAN’S OFFICE - LAST FRIDAY Jeff, Britta, Troy, and Abed are standing in front of the Dean’s desk. The Dean is dressed in the cop outfit a stripper might wear if he didn’t have a costume budget. BRITTA Why’d you set up this meeting, Dean? Have we been Bad Boys? (Britta begins an unfortunate rendition of the theme to COPS) Bad boys, bad boys, who you gonna call? Who you gonna call when I ain’t ‘fraid of no ghosts?

6. TROY Do your ears filter out the crazy that you do? DEAN For your information, Ms. Perry, tonight just so happens to be the COPper Toxicity Syndrome Cotillion and Cake Walk. JEFF Brass tax, Commander Closetcase, what’d you call us in for? DEAN Attendance is down, people. If we want to keep our accreditation as a “legitimate” school, we need more patooties in the seats. The way I see it, we have to raise our SHARE, that’s Students Habitually Attending Rigorous Education, three or four points or else the ol’ Peacock will have no choice but to... (gestures a throat slit) If that happens, you can kiss all your precious credits goodbye. You’ll all have to start over and I’ll have to go back to working at the docks. ABED Peacock? DEAN That’s Secretary Norman Peacock of the Board of Ed. He’s elderly, but still quite the stickler. Between you and me, he’s seen better days. Granted, we’re still doing pretty well in the coveted 18-34 white male demo... JEFF You’re welcome. BRITTA Yeah, like you could possibly still be 34. JEFF For your information, I was carded last week.

7. TROY At Golden Corral?


CHANG (looking in from outside the office) Awww AARP Snap! JEFF Can it, Chang. You’re going to die alone. CHANG (O.C.) Too harsh, man. DEAN If we’re done? Now, I just got a text from Professor Xavier... Troy perks up. ABED It’s pronounced Zavier. wheelchair. No

Troy goes back to staring off into space DEAN And he told me that there were only two students in his class this morning. BRITTA Did it occur to him that his class might just blow goats? DEAN Normally, you’d be right. But today was supposed to be their first day sketching nudes. TROY Nude dudes? DEAN (ruefully) Not until next week. TROY Something horrible has happened.

8. DEAN Anywho, Professor X has noticed a suspicious figure following his students to the study room recently. He thinks this shady person might be... dealing to his students. JEFF Star-Burns? DEAN Most likely. But since he knows we’re on to him, he’s gone into hiding. I can’t call the police for this because they apparently find my outfit inappropriate and degrading. BRITTA Shocking. DEAN Get this done for me Winger, and I’ll have your ass! JEFF I think you mean ‘or.’ DEAN Wait, what’d I say? END FLASHBACK. INT. DARK SURVEILLANCE ROOM - PRESENT Everyone is staring at Abed, who has tilted his head up for the flashback, but who apparently hasn’t said a word for several minutes. SHIRLEY Is... is Abed OK? JEFF Probably not. TROY I saw it, man. There were... dragons? And pantaloons? And... mom, what are you doing here? ABED I appreciate the effort.

9. Troy and Abed do their totally heterosexual chest slap. BRITTA Long story short, no one’s going to class, Greendale might close, and the Dean wants us to figure out what Star-Burns is slinging... JEFF Don’t try to use the lingo... BRITTA ...So we’ve been bugging the study room with my phone ever since. SHIRLEY I hope you have unlimited minutes. BRITTA Oooooooh crap. BRITTA, realizing her mistake, runs out of the SURVEILLANCE ROOM and back towards the STUDY ROOM. JEFF Well, surprisingly, that didn’t work. Anyone have a better plan? Because I am NOT going to transfer and take Spanish again. That, and I’d miss you guys. ANNIE Awwww. JEFF Believe me, it’s mainly the Spanish. ANNIE We need to find someone Star-Burns has sold to and annoy the truth out of them. But who? If only we knew someone else with a history of addiction... TROY I’d ask Pierce, but he hasn’t left his room for the last 72 hours. The door is locked and he keeps asking for turkey jerky and wide mouth Gatorade bottles. ABED What flavor?

10. TROY Empty. EVERYONE (EXCEPT ANNIE) Ewwwwww. BRITTA (O.C. FROM THE COMPUTER) Crap crap crap crap crap. I’m going to have to open so many new credit cards. ANNIE Wait, why are they wide mou... oh ew. FADE OUT. END OF ACT ONE

11. ACT TWO FADE IN: INT. PIERCE’S HOUSE, THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF HIS BEDROOM The hallway is gaudily decorated, with thick purple carpets and velvet wallpaper, suggesting those photographs of Rush Limbaugh’s old Manhattan apartment. An old Warhol-esque painting of PIERCE hangs next to the door. Stacks of dirty dishes are strewn on a tray, as if Pierce has been treating his own house like a hotel. ABED, ANNIE, BRITTA, JEFF, SHIRLEY, AND TROY stand in a semi-circle around the door. ANNIE I still don’t understand why the dean didn’t call me for that meeting. BRITTA He probably knew about your past history with drugs and didn’t want you to get dragged back in. ANNIE Aww, how thoughtful. SHIRLEY Then why wasn’t I involved? Just because I’m a proud black woman, he assumes I have a substance abuse problem? TROY No, he doesn’t have your email address. I don’t think I do, either. SHIRLEY It’s always been JEFF Wait, you were serious? Troy knocks on Pierce’s door. There are sounds of thumping furniture, breaking glass, and general chaos from Pierce’s room. PIERCE (O.C.) (belligerently) What? Troy? Did you bring the Depends?

12. ANNIE (knocking) Pierce? What’s going on? is it the pills again?

Is it...

PIERCE (O.C.) You brought Annie? What’s the matter with you? I can’t poop in Annie! JEFF Pierce, open the door. No. PIERCE (O.C.) I’m fine. Go away.

BRITTA Pierce, we’re here for you. We can help you through this. Again. PIERCE (O.C.) ...I don’t need help. JEFF Open the door, Pierce. PIERCE (O.C.) No! Let me seed in peace! You’re not my real dad! Scram!

JEFF What the hell is that supposed to mean? If you don’t open the door, we’ll just have to tear it down. PIERCE (O.C.) (smugly) Go ahead and try. The crew begin to slam against the door with all their strength, bouncing off with no effect. PIERCE (CONT’D) Panic room, numbnuts. Oh, and Troy, if you want to continue living here, I expect my next shipment before midnight. Money’s on the kitchen table. The shopping list is on your Facebook page. I tagged everyone. BRITTA Ugh, Facebook. Am I right, people? (blank stares) (MORE)

13. BRITTA (CONT'D) Screw you guys, I have ideas. I have good ideas. People would love to hear my ideas. I’m sick of... In fact... I’ll bet I can put on a one woman show in just one day. That’ll show you wangs how many good ideas I have. Who’s with me? JEFF You realize you both belittled and begged us for help in the same breath, right? BRITTA Annie? If you help, I’ll make you executive producer. You can even make the flyers! ANNIE (reading Pierce’s list of demands on her phone) Nilla wafers, moonpies, icy hot, Axe bodyspray... I’ll help you, Britta. Whatever you are planing must be less disturbing than this. TROY I wouldn’t bet on it. BRITTA Screw you guys. Come on, Annie. Let’s bounce. B-story. ABED You’ll be back.

BRITTA Beg pardon? ABED This is classic B-story. You and Annie are pairing off to have your own adventures that will somehow come back to help us crack this case. JEFF This isn’t a case. This is a missing scum bag and a wannabe Howard Hughes. Besides, Annie, won’t you care if Greendale closes?

14. ANNIE Everything will work out. It always does. And I’m tired of always being the one that cares. From now on, I’ll be careless Annie. Er, carefree Annie. Careneutral Annie. Let’s go, Britta. I want to discuss the format for your show. Were you thinking of playing a character or going with something more observational... Oh, we need to decide on a venue... Britta and Annie walk off while discussing plans for their show. TROY Now what? Unless we have a plan, I have some shopping to do. Last time I had to go to like five stores. (he looks at the list on his phone) Where’s “Dildopolis?” JEFF How can a complete burnout like Star-Burns be so untraceable? He must have made some mistake, have some system we can decode. ABED Well, we still have class in an hour. I say we head back to Greendale and look for clues. PIERCE (O.C.) Troy! If you’re still there, get me the extra large Depends. I haven’t had a bowel movement in four days. Must be all the jerky. Abed, Jeff, Troy, and Shirley back away slowly, then run. EXT. GREENDALE CAMPUS QUAD - LATER Abed, Jeff, Troy, and Shirley are walking to class. Scattered about are brand new xeroxed signs reading “Britta: Unfiltered. This Afternoon Only. Cafeteria. Be there for the Brittal Truth! An Annie Edison Production.” On the grass, with a gaggle of students waving money surrounding him, is a masked man dressed like Jesus holding a sign that reads “Genesis 2:15”

15. TROY (noticing the man holding the sign) Genesis 2:15? SHIRLEY “And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.“ The boys stop and stare. SHIRLEY (CONT’D) What? It’s not just a lifestyle, you know. JEFF When did Greendale get religion? ABED Season 2, episode 5. JEFF What? ABED Nothing. They continue walking towards their class. INT. PROFESSOR DUNCAN’S CLASSROOM - MOMENTS LATER DUNCAN sits, head in hands, at the table at the front of the class. The only students at their seats as ABED, JEFF, TROY, and SHIRLEY enter are CHANG and FAT NEIL. Fat Neil is sitting at his desk, slowly rocking back and forth, scratching at his arms, obviously in some sort of withdrawal. The gang take their seats. DUNCAN Well, this is just great. Big selfesteem booster, here. Everyone just sit tight until the end of the period. I’m going to take a nap and dream of teaching students who actually show up. JEFF (taking a swig from a previously hidden flask) I wonder what it’s like to go to a real community college.

16. SHIRLEY Jeffrey! ABED So McNulty. CHANG What? ABED The Wire. Oh. CHANG I hear it’s good. Winger. Hit me.

DUNCAN It’s in my queue.

Jeff tosses his flask up to Duncan, who proceeds to chug. Right. DUNCAN (CONT’D) You all get A’s.

TROY Fa... uh... Neil, what’s going on? You look... uh... not so good. FAT NEIL (robotically) Seed, harvest, sell, build. Seed, harvest, sell, build. Seed, harvest, sell, build. Visit my farm! Visit my farm! CHANG He’s been doing that all day. It was fun for a while, but now it’s stuck in my head. (rapping) Seed, harvest, sell, build, what what! East side! TROY Wait wait, seed... Pierce has been obsessed with seeding all weekend. I just assumed he was talking about (whispered) Self love. JEFF (looking at his phone) That would explain the bottle of Jergens on his list...

17. ABED Everything’s connected. SHIRLEY What does all this have to do with Pierce? FAT NEIL (raving mad) Pierce? I’ve visited his. His is the biggest, the most glorious... so beautiful. How? How? Not possible! Seed, harvest, sell, build. TROY Visited? No one’s visited Pierce since that con-man claiming to be his long lost son. DUNCAN Heads up! JEFF (catching the flask that Duncan has thrown back) Nothing makes sense. What is StarBurns selling that is messing people up like this? Fat Neil, unable to control himself, jumps out of his chair, knocks over his desk, and stumbles out of the classroom. SHIRLEY Why don’t we follow Neil? Jeff, Troy, and Shirley rise to follow Neil. separate direction, up a flight of stairs. Winger. CHANG Hit me. Abed goes a

Jeff smacks Chang on the back of the head as he walks out of the room. CHANG (CONT’D) Hey! You wouldn’t like me when I’m Changry. DUNCAN Shut it, Chang. Some of us are trying to sleep.

18. EXT. GREENDALE CAMPUS QUAD Jeff, Troy, and Shirley hide by the doorway to the building and watch as Fat Neil shuffles towards the masked man across the quad. Abed has found his way to THE ROOF of the building and is taking surveillance photos of the following action with his iPhone, through which we see much of the following transaction. PIERCE is there, dressed in a bathrobe and crocs, looking like he hasn’t bathed in weeks. He shoves a wad of cash into the masked man’s hand and is given a bible from a stack of books by his feet. Pierce then trots off with the bible under his arm. JEFF Everything IS connected! SHIRLEY Since when is Pierce a Christian? I thought he was a heathen. TROY Buddhist. SHIRLEY Whatever. TROY I think there’s more to those bibles... Fat Neil begs the masked man for a bible. The masked man, realizing Neil has no money, refuses, and has a couple of his “disciples” shoo him away. Neil, dejected, walks back towards the group. Abed finishes taking his photos and jumps off the roof, Omar Little style, landing next to Jeff, Shirley, and Troy, his bad-assery somehow going unnoticed by the rest of the group, except TROY. TROY (CONT’D) (to Abed) That’s some Spider-Man stuff right there. SHIRLEY (pointing at the fake Jesus) That didn’t look very Christian. Oh yeah? like... JEFF To me that looked exactly

SHIRLEY Not the time, Jeffrey.

19. Fat Neil, oblivious, tries to walk through the group. JEFF Neil, what happened there? FAT NEIL (clearly jonesing for something) No money. Can’t buy. Can’t seed. JEFF (bringing out a wad of bills) How’d you like to make a few bucks? Bubbles. What? ABED The Wire. TROY Oh yeah. I’ve been meaning to watch that. JEFF (half listening while discussing terms with Fat Neil) I hear it’s good. SHIRLEY That’s what Andre’s been telling me. Neil, now flush with Jeff’s cash, returns to the masked man. As he is given his bible, Neil rips off the mask, revealing STAR-BURNS, who has been hiding in plain sight. Realizing he has been exposed, Star-Burns grabs his stack of bibles and runs for it, dropping books as he goes. The crowd that had been around him disperses and Neil, after signalling to Jeff, runs off as well. The group walks up to where Star-Burns had been standing. Jeff picks up a dropped bible, opens it, and sees that it’s hollow and full of... JEFF Gift cards... Farmville gift cards... SHIRLEY What’s Farmville? ABED He’s Bubbles. TROY

20. JEFF The lamest thing the internet has ever created. It’s a virtual farm game on Facebook that Americans spend countless hours and millions of dollars on every day when they could be doing something productive like, for example, ACTUALLY FARMING. The game where people use real money to buy fake farming equipment to harvest fake crops. The game that gives you bonuses for harassing your friends into playing. This? This is why no one is going to class anymore? They’re buying Farmville gift cards and staying home to build gigantic fake farms on their computers? TROY You can play games? I thought computers were just used for... (realizes Shirley is standing next to him) ...not watching naked ladies? SHIRLEY Oh, it’s on now. Star-Burns was using Jesus as a front to make money! JEFF Shirley, it’s really hard for me to contain myself when you keep lobbing them up there. SHIRLEY I appreciate your restraint, Jeffrey. I’ll be sure to put in a good word for you secular humanists when I’m basking in the everlasting love of the sweet baby Jesus. ABED But why the bible? And the passage from Genesis? I’m missing something here. There’s a piece we don’t see yet. Abed whips out his iPhone and begins to google frantically. SHIRLEY At least now we know what’s causing the drop in attendance. (MORE)

21. SHIRLEY (CONT'D) But how are we going to find StarBurns? He disappeared again! ABED (not looking up from his googling) Follow the giftcards. JEFF What? ABED (pointing to the trail of gift cards dropped by Star-Burns leading to the cafeteria) The giftcards. There’s a trail. TROY I’m gettin’ too old for this sh... ABED Wrong police franchise. (Looking up at Troy) You know, I gave you my old season one DVDs of The Wire months ago. TROY I know, I know, it’s just... I’ve been busy? Meanwhile, Jeff is walking off, picking up the scattered giftcards. Troy, and Shirley follow. ABED Well, sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... Abed, head in his iphone, follows behind. FADE OUT. END OF ACT TWO

22. ACT THREE INT. CAFETERIA - LATE AFTERNOON Britta is dressed in a black trenchcoat, holding a microphone, and standing in front of a makeshift stage with “Britta: Unfiltered” draped on a banner behind her. She is clearly bombing with her one woman show in front of a crowd of students who just want to have dinner. Annie, with a headset on, sits at a table with her laptop, ready to drop in sound effects. Chang is at another table, eating peanuts with a spoon. BRITTA ...and don’t get me started on LOLcats. SFX. Annie plays an angry meow clip BRITTA (CONT’D) I mean, what’s funny about animal abuse? Don’t people know those poor cats have souls? How would you feel if millions of people were laughing at you over the internet? RANDOM STUDENT (O.C.) Ask your mom. SFX. Annie plays a clip of Chang yelling, “Oh, snap!” CHANG (coughing up peanuts) Oh, snap! BRITTA Annie! You’re supposed to be helping me! ANNIE You said in our production meetings that you were in favor of audience participation. BRITTA I meant that I wanted them to feel free to applaud and cheer! ANNIE (under her breath) Not likely. Jeff, his arms full of giftcards, enters the cafeteria, followed by Troy, Shirley, and Abed (still googling).

23. They stand at the back of the cafeteria, scanning the disinterested crowd. ABED (out of breath) ...eeeeeeit. JEFF The trail ends. Star-Burns is in here somewhere... And... is that Britta? ABED (gasping for air) I told you. B story syncs with A story. ANNIE You’re dying up there. Why don’t you ask for suggestions from the audience? BRITTA (into mike) OK you jags, who’s ready to get their intellectual freak on? Gimme a topic! Let’s go lightning round up in this piece! RANDOM STUDENTS Kill yourself! Why are you like this? Please let us eat in peace! Rabble rabble rabble. JEFF (above the din) How about Farmville? BRITTA (not noticing Jeff) OK, OK, I heard Farmville. Here’s the thing about that piece of corporate crap-o-crazy. America used to make things. It’s true. Ever hear of General Electric? Ford Motor Company? They used to be more than just logos! There used to be unions! Now we just pretend to make things on websites where we pretend to make friends. I’m so happy that I don’t have a Facebook account because if I did...

24. STAR-BURNS (O.C.) Liar! Star-Burns, who had been hiding under a table and is still clutching the stack of bibles, walks towards the stage. SFX. Annie plays a clip of her own patented gasp of shock. JEFF Star-Burns! ABED Everything’s connected. Abed stops googling, having found what it is he was looking for. Instead, as he slowly walks up to the stage, he punches a few numbers into his phone and calls someone... STAR-BURNS I can’t take it anymore. You’re lying. You know you’re lying. Everyone knows you’re lying. You can’t not have a Facebook account and complain about Farmville. You only complain about Farmville IF you have a Facebook account! You’re not better than me, so stop pretending! I’ve seen your farm. Yeah, it’s true, Ms. Non-Conformist has her own Farmville farm. And you know what? It’s crap. You’re just bitter because you’re bad at a game that is nearly impossible to be bad at! I mean, who grows only wheat and artichokes? You get the lowest return of experience for the money you pump in! BRITTA (on the verge of tears) But I like wheat and artichokes... STAR-BURNS That’s not the point! You’re supposed to accumulate crap, not farm things you like! Why do you think I started selling these gift cards wholesale? People have a desire to show up their friends, even on something as stupid as Farmville! It’s human nature! And it’s so much more profitable than selling drugs!

25. Abed, suddenly on the stage, interrupts the rant by whistling “The Farmer in the Dell.” Britta, shattered, hands Abed her black trenchcoat as she walks off the stage. Abed puts on the coat, now the spitting image of Omar from The Wire. LUNCH ROOM WORKER Abed comin’! Abed comin’, yo! Finally! ABED One person!

LUNCH ROOM WORKER Best show ever, man! ABED Thank you! (to Star-Burns, fully channeling the badassness of Omar Little) It’s over. STAR-BURNS (channeling Stringer Bell) It’s not over until I say it’s over! I own the gift cards! ABED True. And normally, you’d walk. We all know the cops can’t touch you. But I reckon you gave away your weakness. Your costumes, your bible quotes, you gave me all the information I needed to end you. Genesis 2:15. ANNIE “And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.“ (beat) What? Jews read the Torah. ABED Now why would a pusher quote the bible? There were so many other ways for you to hide your organization. Why the bible? STAR-BURNS What? It was convenient. Dressing and keeping the garden, it’s a metaphor.

26. ABED (ignoring him) What part of your past made you want to thumb your nose, to “use Jesus as a front to make money?” BRITTA (more composed, but still teary) Well, actually, the Catholic church has been... SHIRLEY (O.C.) Not the time, Britta! ABED I figured it out. It took a while, but I figured it out. And she’s on the phone. STAR-BURNS (hesitating) You’re bluffing. ABED Anything you want to say to your mother? (dramatic pause) Reverend Osbourne? REVEREND OSBOURNE (V.O.) (through Abed’s phone) Alex? Is that you? There are many dramatic reaction shots throughout this entire scene, one for each character, even the Lunch Room Worker. Here begins the homage to the death of Stringer Bell. STAR-BURNS Whatcha want? Huh? Money? Is that it? Cuz if it is, man, I could be a better friend of y’all without my mother involved. ABED You still don’t get it, do you? Huh? It ain’t about your money, bro. Your mom gave you up. And I didn’t have to coach her, neither. STAR-BURNS (beat) Well, it seem like I can’t say nothin’ to change your mind. (MORE)

27. STAR-BURNS (CONT'D) (dramatic pause) Well, get on with it, mof... Abed tosses his phone at Star-Burns, who drops the bibles, catches it, and begins an awkward conversation with his mother. STAR-BURNS (CONT’D) Heeeeey mom. No, I still haven’t shaved. Yes. No! Yes... Oh come on. But... OK. Yeah. Twice daily and once more before bed. I love you, too. Bye bye. ANNIE (vindicated) See! Even Star-Burns says goodbye! Star-Burns tosses the phone back at Abed, who hangs up and puts it back in his pocket. He’s Abed again. STAR-BURNS You suck. ABED A man’s gotta have a code. BRITTA (stunned) Abed’s a bad ass! JEFF I have got to watch The Wire. Star-Burns walks off, defeated. Abed hops off the stage, walks to the spilled Farmville gift cards, and begins tossing them into the crowd, who grab at them, crazed. Abed! TROY What are you doing?

Troy starts to run towards Abed to stop him. JEFF Troy! No. He knows what he’s doing. By giving away those cards, everyone here can build the biggest, most pimped out fake farm imaginable. Without wasting time or money. People will stop obsessing. It’ll all be meaningless. Well, more meaningless. They’ll return to class. (MORE)

28. JEFF (CONT'D) Everything will go back to normal. In a few hours, everyone will realize what we’ve known this whole time: (to camera) Farmville is a total waste of time and anyone still playing it is a complete chump. INT. PIERCE’S BEDROOM The bedroom is as established in episode 2.01, but filled wall to wall with gatorade bottles full of a dark orange liquid. Used Farmville gift cards litter the floor and are stacked sloppily next to Pierce’s computer. Pierce has grown a horrible beard. He sits at his desk, one hand on his computer keyboard, the other opening a box of Depends. PIERCE Ooooh, a black sheep just showed up on my farm! Let’s see if we can find you a home! Baaa! Baaaaa! I love you, black sheep. It’s all in the game. And that game... is Farmville! FADE OUT. END ACT THREE


It is a typical art classroom. The camera pans to a plaque by the door reading “Professor Xavier’s School for Gifted Muralists.” TROY and ABED sit at easels, waiting for the model to show up. PROFESSOR XAVIER, a non-British, fully mobile man, walks up and down the rows of students. PROFESSOR XAVIER I have a special treat for you today. Today’s model... TROY (whispered loudly to Abed) I really really hope she’s Asian. PROFESSOR XAVIER (annoyed, from the other side of the room) Nope, not Asian. TROY It’s like he read my mind! Troy and Abed do their hand / chest gesture. The door opens and in comes the DEAN, wearing nothing but a mauve terrycloth robe. Troy and Abed freeze up as the Dean saunters to the front of the class. ABED On the count of three. TROY Two... The Dean lifts his leg, thrusting it onto a crate on the model’s platform. Not waiting until three, Troy and Abed run screaming from the classroom, spilling paint and knocking over easels. The camera pans to reveal Annie, also stunned, but too much of a goodie-goodie to run from the class. The Dean drops his robe. Annie gasps, involuntarily looks closer, then gives the Dean an impressed nod. She picks up her paint brush and begins to paint. FADE OUT. One...