The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Written by: Marta Kauffman

& David Crane Transcribed by: guineapig Additional transcribing by: Eric Aasen (Note: The previously unseen parts of this episode are shown in blue text.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there.] Monica: There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with! Joey: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong wit h him! Chandler: All right Joey, be nice. So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpie ce? Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk? (They all stare, bemused.) Phoebe: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Ca rl- oh! Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people goi ng out to dinner and- not having sex. Chandler: Sounds like a date to me. [Time Lapse] Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked. All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream. Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there. Joey: Instead of...? Chandler: That's right. Joey: Never had that dream. Phoebe: No. Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do , everybody starts looking at me. Monica: And they weren't looking at you before?! Chandler: Finally, I figure I'd better answer it, and it turns out it's my mothe r, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me! [Time Lapse, Ross has entered.]

you're single! Have some hormones! Ross: I don't want to be single. no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No. alright? Really. okay? Phoebe: Fine! Be murky! Ross: I'll be fine... I hope she'll be very happy. Joey: Alright Ross.) Did I say that out loud? Ross: I told mom and dad last night. Monica: Oh really.. everyone. You're angry. so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3 :00 A. Can I tell you what the answer is? (Ross gestures his consent. Ross: Thanks. just leave my aura alone.. Chandler: Cookie? Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today. grabbed my small intestin e. Ross: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know. Joey: This guy says hello. Joey: Ohh. okay? I just. sweetie? Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my throat.. You're hurting. I just. Monica: (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee. "I'll never have grandchildren.M. they seemed to take it pretty well.. Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air just in front of Ross. I wanna kill myself. (They all stare at him. Monica: No you don't. she left me! Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian.) Joey: Strip joint! C'mon. Monica: Are you okay. Ross: No I don't. pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck.. how should I know? Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.) Ross: No.. I'll never have grandchildren.. look. to hell with her.) .I just wanna be married again! (Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room.Ross: (mortified) Hi. You're feeling a lot of pain right now." was wh at? A wrong number? Ross: Sorry.

it started about a half hour before the wedding. Ross. and. and Joey: Push her down the stairs! Push her down the s .) Monica: Rachel?! Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren' t there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are. and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart. Monica: Who wasn't invited to the remember my brother Ross? Rachel: Hi. and Phoebe. she should not be wearing those pants. but... and th at's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. I just had to get out of there. (to Rachel) This is everybody. another Lincoln High survivor. an d I started wondering 'Why am I doing this. (to M onica) So anyway I just didn't know where to go. I mean.Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully. one is holding her hair.] Monica: Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ. and I was looking at this gra vy boat. Chandler: (imitating the characters) Tuna or egg salad? Decide! Ross: (in a deep voice) I'll have whatever Christine is having.. my head will fall off. Potato Head. this is Chandler. sure! Ross: Hi.I realized that I was more turne d on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out. I just don't l ove him. He sits back down defeated again. Anyway. Rachel: Ooh. Chandler: (re TV) Ooh. or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids? Rachel: Oh God. I can't marry him! I'm sorry.. Well.. Phoebe. I always knew looked familiar. everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to f igure out what is going on. and Joey.) Monica: So you wanna tell us now. but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the cit y. I just.) Phoebe: If I let go of my hair. Y'know. (to All) Okay. Joey: I say push her down the stairs. you are! Waitress: Can I get you some coffee? Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. well. (They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens.. and she's really not happy about it. this is Rachel. everybody. I was i n the room where we were keeping all the presents. I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue.. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. it matters to me! (The scene on TV has changed to show two women. Rachel: (on phone) Daddy. Chandler. and who am I doing this for?'.(to the waitress that brought her coffee)Sweet 'n' Lo?. A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain. [Scene: Monica's Ap artment.. When all of a sudden.

. Rachel is breating into a paper bag.. Well. 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a. look..tairs! Push her down the stairs! (She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers. breathe. The whole.It's a metaphor. La la la la. Taking control of your life.or a hat! No. I'm saying I am a ha.something and noodles with string. is it 6:30? Buzz him in! Joey: Who's Paul? Ross: Paul the Wine Guy. listen to me! It's like.... you need anything.) bluebells and sleighbells and. 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe. stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day! Joey: What. all of my life. I said maybe!! [Time Lapse. Just try to think of nice calm things . Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy? Ross: He finally asked you out? .something with mittens. Paul: (over the intercom) It's. Me and Chandler live across the hall. Daddy! Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble. And he's away a lot. Monica: Joey. this is probably for the best. (Rachel and Monica t urn to look at her.. you're a shoe. Phoebe: (sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens. Wai t!! Wait. maybe I don't need your money. that's it. And today I just stopped and I said. Rachel: Look Daddy..a purse. Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica. I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat.) Rachel: C'mon Daddy.) Chandler: Please don't do that again. Monica: Oh God. Rachel: I'm all better now. These are a few. Monica: Well. Joey: Wait.] Monica: Just breathe.. Paul? Monica: Maybe. it's like. like there's a rule or something? (The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it. I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica. y'know? Independence.. it's Paul. Rachel: Well.. 'hat' thing. Phoebe: (grins and walks to the kitchen and says to Chandler and Joey. you're a sho e!'. y'know? Or a. everyon e has always told me.) I helped ! Monica: Okay. maybe that's my decision. uh. it's my life. Joey: (comforting her) And hey. it's a horrible sound. you can always come to Joey.

wait. umm-umm.. I didn't catch your name. Chandler: (deadpan) Yes.. . Monica: (yelling from the bedroom) Shut up. That can't be good.) Joey: Hey. . was it? Monica: Okay. Paul! Paul: Yeah? Joey: Here's a little tip. All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey! Chandler: I'm sorry. what're you up to tonight? Rachel: Well. this is a Dear Diary moment.. I can cancel. she really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until it starts to get a little red. . and we're very excited about it.Monica: Yes! Chandler: Ooh. I just pulled out four eyelashes. Monica: Rach. this time of year. no.(thinks) -big lizards. go. you're not even getting your honeymoon. (Shows Paul in) Two seconds. sit down.. that'd be fine! Monica: (to Ross) Are.. go ah. although. Anyway. Rachel: Please. so no thing! Ross: Right. Paul. God. everybody. Monica: (horrified) Really? Ross: (normal voice) No. are you okay? I mean. (Monica goes to change. Ross: A wandering? Monica: Change! Okay. what're you. or just complain a lot (There's a knock on the door and it's Paul... Joey! Ross: So Rachel... go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy! Phoebe: What does that mean? ? (Chandler doesn't know. Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my new furniture. this is Paul.. this is. come in! Paul.. Phoebe: Ooh. I'll just--I'll be right back. drink it. No.. do you want me to stay? Ross: (choked voice) That'd be good. Aru ba.. if yo u don't feel like being alone tonight. no. I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon.. (They are all lined up next to the door. talk about your. I just gotta go ah. uh.).) Monica: Hi. everybody.) Does he sell it.

Joey: Hey Pheebs. Chandler: Oh. the guys are there assembling furniture. I see no whim guys whatsoever and. please don't spoil all this fun. but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight. let me ask you a question. Joey: (picking up a leftover part) What's this? Chandler: I would have to say that is an 'L'-shaped bracket. but your love oh your love. Ross: Okay.) Joey: I'm thinking we've got a bookcase here.. (Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it in a plant.) Joey: Done with the bookcase! Chandler: All finished! Ross: (clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was Carol's favorite beer. It's been kinda a long day. your love. She al ways drank it out of the can. you wanna help? Phoebe: Oh.I cannot feel my legs. Joey: Which goes where? Chandler: I have no idea. Chandler: It's a beautiful thing. I wish I could.. but I don't want to.what did you get? Ross: You guys. the go od TV. the stereo. Phoebe is singing for change. love is a wondrous work of ar t.. (Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling the bookcase. sure. I have no br ackety thing. Commercial Break [Scene: The Subway.. if you're gonna start with that stuff we're outta here. I should have known..crapping on my heart. Chandler: Yes.(some guy gives her some change and to that guy) Than k you. Joey: Ross. using a bunch of these little worm guys. La-la-la-la-la. God.. (sings) La-la-la-la.] Ross: (squatting and reading the instructions) I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side like a giant pigeon. .Rachel: Well actually thanks. Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey.] Phoebe: (singing) Love is sweet as summer showers.ohhh! [Scene: Ross's Apartment. She got the furniture. Joey: You got screwed.

I went for the watch. you might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers. machine cut me off again. Barry Finkel. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out.] Ross: I'm divorced! I'm only 26 and I'm divorced! Joey: Shut up! Chandler: You must stop! (Chandler hits what he is working on with a hammer and it collapses...look. I-I shredded by boyfriend's favorite bath towel. Ross. but you j ust have to give me a chance too. I mean. but it isn 't me. steer clear of you. there was only one woman. it's about me... I am so sorry. look. and I ju. You. however have had the love of a woman for four years.) [Scene: Ross's Apartment.) Ross: That only took me an hour. you gotta understand.. anyway.. How did you get through it? Paul: Well..(She stops talking and dial s the phone. (The maching cuts her off again and she redi als. Monica and Paul are eating. it isn't.] Rachel: Barry. he's such a mess.for her. I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love with your socks on . Joey: What are you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's only o . between us we haven't had a relation ship that has lasted longer than a Mento. And not that I have any idea who me is right now.. and that is why we don't do it! I don't think that w as my point! Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for eve rybody. Monica: That's right. I guess I should have caught on when sh e started going to the dentist four and five times a week..] Monica: Oh my God! Paul: I know. [Scene: Monica's Apartment. Monica: You actually broke her watch? Wow! The worst thing I ever did was. I'm sorry.. Rachel is talking on the phone and pacing.and that's it? Unfortunately i n my case. I know that s ome girl is going to be incredibly lucky to become Mrs. say herMonica: -leg? Paul: (laughing) That's one way! Me.. how clean can teeth get? Monica: My brother's going through that right now. Ross is pacing while Joey and Chandler are working on some more furniture. Chandler: Look.. I'm such an idiot.. Paul: Ooh. I know.) Hi. y'know? I mean what if you get one woman.. but it isn't. it's not me. I.Chandler: Oh my God! [Scene: A Restaurant.

you were. uh.see. Monica: Oh. Paul: It's okay.Sexually. I uh. and Cookie Dough.. (Monica takes a sip of her drink. Oh man... Monica: I know being spit on is probably not what you need right now. but Joanne loved Chachi! That's the difference! [Scene: Ross's flavor of ice cream for you. like. Joey: Right.. ever since she left me. I'm outta here. what. I think there is. how long? Paul: Two years. don't be a hero' mean anything to you? Joey: Great story! But. There's lots of flavors out there. Um. I am so sorry. Monica: (spitting out her drink in shock) Oh God.. Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy.Yeah. Monica: Wow! I'm-I'm-I'm glad you smashed her watch! Paul: So you still think you... ever-ev-. Chandler: Stay out of my freezer! [Scene: A Restaurant. or nuts.. (looks to Chandler) Chandler: Angela's the screamer..... it's more of a fifth date kinda revelation. [Scene: Monica's Apartment.. might want that fifth date? Monica: (pause). (Exits. oh God. yeah.. um. perform. Monica: What?. it's. and Bing! Cherry Vanill a..] Priest on TV: We are gathered here today to join Joanne Louise Cunningham and Ch arles.... I do. eight? We lcome back to the world! Grab a spoon! Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.. or whipped cream! This is the best t hing that ever happened to you! You got married.. I haven't been able to. uh. Chachi-Chachi-Chachi. I gotta go. Yeah. you wanna spell it out with noodles? Paul: No. I am sorry. I.) . so there is gonna be a fifth date? Paul: Isn't there? Monica: Yeah. Rachel is watching Joanne Loves Chaci. Thanks.] Ross: (scornful) Grab a spoon.] Paul: Ever since she walked out on me.) . Arcola in the bound of holy matrimony.... um. they're all sitting around and talking. Monica and Paul are stil l eating.. I got a date with Andrea--Angela--And rea. It's June... Rachel: Oh. Lemme tell you something. You could get 'em with Jimmies. Andrea has cats. There's Rocky Road.. Ross. -What were you gonna say? Paul: Well.. What...

. to herself) Oh good. plus the barn raising scene in Witness. Rachel is making coffee for Joey and Chandler. while you're on a roll. Chandler: Hi. Chandler: That is amazing.. (Exits) Joey: That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do you do on a real date? Monica: Shut up. there isn't anything I can't do. all my birthdays.. I figure if I can make coffee. Joey: Morning.. Monica: (entering. Rachel: Y'know. who am I gonna ask? (He gazes out of the window.. Paul. Paul: Yeah. Even if I could get it together enough to... Lenny and Squigy are here. and put my table back. here's the thing. and po ur it into a plant pot. Rachel: Hello.) Although actually I'm really not that hungry.Ross: Y'know.. I'm telling you last night was like umm. All: Morning. Joey: Congratulations. Chandler: If can invade Poland. if you feel like you gotta make like a Wes tern omelet or something. kids. All: Okayyy! (They do so. I have never made coffee before in my entire life. (They kiss) Thank you. Paul.] Commercial Break [Scene: Monica's Apartment. Paul. If I don't input those numbers. there isn't anything I can't do. grimace. I gotta get to work.. is it? (Monica and Paul walk to the door and talk in a low voice so the others can't he ar. .) Paul: Thank you! Thank you so much! Monica: Stop! Paul: No.. (Joey and Chandler taste the coffee.. .] Rachel: Isn't this amazing? I mean. The others move Monica's table closer to the door so that they can. Joey: Listen. it doesn't make much of a difference.) Chandler: All right. Good as k a woman out.) [Cut to Rachel staring out of her window. both gradua tions. Monica: We'll talk later. Paul: (entering from Monica's room) Morning.

) Chandler: You're right.. Monica: I know. With feelings.. it's like that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth. wish me luck! Monica: What for? Rachel: I'm gonna go get one of those (Thinks) job things.) "Once I was a wooden boy. Monica is working as Frannie enters. I'm a real live boy. that's how we buy stuff. that he's a dead man." Joey: You should both know. Okay. I'm sorry. at the little theater in the park.) [Scene: Iridium. Mostly regional work. a little wooden boy. Monica: Well. (Burst into song and dances out of the door. Do you remember you and Tony DeMarco? Rachel: Oh. (Monica exits. Monica: Oh wait. like. he's just so. Gippetto. Monica: Big time! Rachel: Want a wedding dress? Hardly used. Rachel: Oh. I am j ust going to get up. Or else I'm jus t gonna get up and go to work. look. yeah. go to work and not think about him all day. so. (Walks to the door and opens it to leave. Oh. unless you happened to catch the Reruns' production of Pi nocchio. wait.) Monica: So how you doing today? Did you sleep okay? Talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling. we all have jobs. Joey: Look. you guys all have jobs? Monica: Yeah. Monica: I think we are getting a little ahead of selves here. Chandler? (Starts after C handler. Joey: Yeah. welcome back! How was Florida? . Rachel: I can see that. Okay. Rachel: Wow! Would I have seen you in anything? Joey: I doubt it.] Frannie: Hey.' Joey: I will not take this abuse. Rachel: Oh wow. See.. I'm an actor..Rachel: So. Monica! Monica: Hey Frannie. it was a job all right? Chandler: 'Look. Are you in trouble.

Rachel: They're my new 'I don't need a job. I hate you. you don't want to put that out into the universe. c'mere. Y'know before me. (She starts massaging them. Monica: Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men w ith severe emotional problems can hear? Phoebe: All right. didn't you? Monica: How do you do that? Frannie: Oh. there was no snap in his turtle for two years. Monica: You mean you know Paul like I know Paul? Frannie: Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul... Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat. I've got gr eat boots' boots! Monica: How'd you pay for them? . don't hate. I know Paul. everyone but Rachel is there. Monica: I hate men! I hate men! Phoebe: Oh no.) Monica: I just thought he was nice. [Scene: Central Perk. fifty percen t off! Chandler: Oh. how well you know me. gimme your feet. why would anybody do something like that? Ross: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than 'to get you i nto bed'.Frannie: You had sex. Rachel: You would be too if you found John and David boots on sale. I don't need my parents. I'm pushing my Aunt Roz through Parrot Jungle and you'r e having sex! So? Who? Monica: You know Paul? Frannie: Paul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah.) Rachel: Guess what? Ross: You got a job? Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve in terviews today. y'know? Joey: (bursts out laughing again) I can't believe you didn't know it was a line! (Monica pushes him off of the sofa as Rachel enters with a shopping bag.] Joey: (sitting on the arm of the couch)Of course it was a line! Monica: Why?! Why? Why.

. I know exactly how you feel. father. and I got here. no. credit card. Monica: C'mon. Monica: Rachel! That was a library card! All: Cut. (She cuts one of them and they cheer.. cut. And I ended up living with this albino guy who was. and then he killed himse lf. Monica: All right. (She finishes cutting them up and they all cheer.) Ross: C'mon. cut. Phoebe: You're welcome.. everyone is sitting around the kitchen table.. cut. I can't do this! Monica: You can. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Rach! You ready to jump out the airplane without your parachute?" Come on. My mom had just killed herself and my step-dad was back in prison. cut. You're gonna love it! .. if you listen closely. Monica: And who pays for that? Rachel: Um. like. it's hard being on your own for the first time.. cut. Chandler: (as Rachel is cutting up her cards) Y'know. No. So believe me.] Rachel: Oh God. is this really necessary? I mean. Ross: Come on. cut.. Rachel: I know that. cut.. and then I found aromatherapy. you ready? Rachel: No. cut. I'm not ready! How can I be ready? "Hey.. you can't live off your parents your whole life. It's kinda like a s ymbolic gesture.) Monica: Welcome to the real world! It sucks. and I didn't know anybody. cleaning windshields outside port authority. I can stop charging anytime I want. my. Rachel: Thank you.Rachel: Uh. (Pause) Ross: The word you're looking for is 'Anyway'. you can hear a thousand retailers scream. cut.. come on you guys. Cut. I was fourtee n.. I remember when I first came to this city. Phoebe: Give her a break.) Rachel: Y'know what? I think we can just leave it at that. That's why I was getting married.. cut. I know you can! Rachel: I don't think so. cut. cut. cut. All: Cut. cut.. you made coffee! You can do anything! (Chandler slowly tries to hide the now dead plant from that morning when he and Joey poured their coffee into it. Rac hel's credit cards are spread out on the table along with a pair of scissors.. cut.

. everybody. (Monica stomps on Paul's watch and goes into her room. Listen. you have it..] Monica: Well. (They split it. I had a.. do you think. major crush on you.and try not to let my intense vulnerability beco me any kind of a factor here. Rachel: Hey Mon.. Ross: Oh. (Rachel goes into her room and Monica enters the living room as Ross is leaving. Rachel and Ross are watching a TV channel finishes it's broadcast d ay by playing the national anthem.) What? Monica: That's Paul's watch. goRachel: No. No.) You know you probably didn't know this.. what's with you? . Rachel: Goodnight. I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky old er brother. Monica: You be okay? Ross: Yeah. that's it (To Ross) You gonna crash on the couch? Ross: No. Rachel: I did. but back in high school. maybe. um. maybe I will. Ross: You did! Oh.) Ross: Mmm..but do you think it would be okay if I asked you o ut? Sometime? Maybe? Rachel: Yeah. You just put it back where you found it. Ross: Okay.. I don't want itRoss: Split it? Rachel: Okay. Ross and Rachel: Goodnight. ) Monica: See ya.. Rachel: I knew. Oh boy. (They both reach for the last cookie) Oh.. I gotta go home sometime. look what I just found on the floor. Waitwait. Ross: Goodnight. really.[Time Lapse. Ross: Okay. Goodnight. okay. noRachel: SorryRoss: No no no.. Al right... (Monica smiles.

it's just not a great butt. or are you just serving it? Rachel: I'm just serving it. Okay. (To the gang. (He does so... was I doing it again? All: Yes! Monica: I said that you had a nice butt. I'm in Las Vegas.. I'll have a cup of coffee.. All: Yeah.. Monica: (to Phoebe) Would you stop? Phoebe: Oh. Joey: Oh. miss? More coffee? Rachel: Ugh.) Customer: (To Rachel) Ahh.) Go ahead.) Closing Credits [Scene: Central Perk. Las Vegas. Yeah. new dream. I'm in Las Vegas.) Excuse me. Rachel: (walks up with a pot of coffee) Would anybody like more coffee? Chandler: Did you make it. (To another customer that's leaving. Ross: There's an image.. Monica: What? I-I said you had aPhoebe: (sings) What I said you had. could you give thi s to that guy over there? (Hands him the coffee pot. (Ross exits and Monica has no idea what that means ..) Sorry. Phoebe: (sings) I can't believe what I'm hearing here..] Joey: I can't believe what I'm hearing here.Ross: I just grabbed a spoon. so. you wouldn't know a great butt if it came up and bit ya. everyone is there. I'm Liza MinelliEnd -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- . Chandler: Okay. Chandler: Kids. (Rachel sits down to hear Chandle r's dream.) Th ank you.

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