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INT. CIPRIANI’S -- NIGHT Inside a quaint, dimly lit restaurant in the heart of Little Italy sits JASON STOLER, 27, an extremely handsome and successful young man- across from him, his equally attractive date, MIRANDA COTTER, 26. MIRANDA (eating) Mmmm... this canoli is so good. JASON I’m glad you like it. MIRANDA Where do you find such awesome restaurants for us? JASON (leaning in) If I told you... I’d have to kill you. MIRANDA (laughs) You’re hilarious. JASON Urban Spoon. MIRANDA Seriously though, if we keep going out to eat like this, I’m gonna end up looking like Britney Spears. JASON She lost a lot of weight. MIRANDA Really? JASON Yeah. MIRANDA Oh. JASON Either way, you’d still be gorgeous. MIRANDA (glowing) You say the sweetest things.
JASON Happy anniversary. MIRANDA (smiles) Happy anniversary, babe. The waiter brings the check over. WAITER Here you are, Mr. Stoler. JASON Thank you. EXT. MIRANDA’S HOUSE -- NIGHT The two dates, arm in arm, walk up the steps to Miranda’s door. They arrive at the door- she turns to face him. MIRANDA I had an amazing time tonight. JASON Me too. He leans in to kiss her- she BACKS away, startled. JASON (CONT’D) What’s wrong? MIRANDA (shakes head) Jason, I’m sorry... it’s just that-JASON (interrupting) What... is it my car? I know I drive a Prius, it’s not sexy but I’m saving up for something better. MIRANDA No, It’s not that. JASON My haircut? MIRANDA No. JASON Occasional erectile dysfunction?
MIRANDA Maybe I wasn’t ready to jump into a relationship so soon. JASON (confused) We’ve been dating for two months... MIRANDA Jason, listen... I just think thatJASON I love you. MIRANDA I love you too... He tries to kiss her again. She moves her cheek to the side. MIRANDA (CONT’D) Okay, stop! Just listen to what I have to say. JASON Okay. MIRANDA As you know... I just got out of an abusive relationship. My last boyfriend, was a real jerk to say the least. JASON Yeah, you told me about him. MIRANDA And you’re an amazing guy. You’re like the sweetest guy I know. You’ve been so great to me. I totally don’t deserve you. I’m damaged goods. JASON Miranda, I’m crazy about you. You’re perfect. I’ll do anything it takes to make this work. MIRANDA (looks to the side) Let’s just be friends. REJECTION and PAIN is all over Jason’s face.
MIRANDA (CONT’D) I’m so sorry. JASON (sniffles) Okay. MIRANDA Are you crying? JASON (pretending) No! She gives him a FRIENDLY kiss on the cheek. MIRANDA Thanks for dinner. She walks in- door CLOSES. Jason, heart battered, walks head down to his Prius. He turns the ignition on- ‘Bad Romance’ by Lady Gaga comes on- “I want your love, and I want your revenge, I want your love, I don’t wanna be FRIENDS, Je Veux Ton Amor, I don’t wanna be FRIENDS, I don’t wanna be FRIENDS, I don’t wanna be FRIENDS, Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-OOOH!” He sighs, ready to take off- A loud VROOM is heard. A sleek black and red motorcycle pulls up in front of Miranda’s house. Jason squints out his window. The rider, clad in a leather jacket, removes his HELMET- he’s her ex, DEREK, 30, a modern day Marlon Brando- seductive, dashing. DEREK (shouting) MIRANDA! Get your UGLY ass out here! Miranda RUSHES out- dressed to the nines. She HOPS on the bike- he turns his head and starts making out with her. They take off- into the night. INT. JASON’S APARTMENT -- DAY Jason and his best friends, Walter, 27, upbeat, optimistic guy- Zack, 26, skinny, ghetto white boy, Zack’s girlfriend Maria, 26, sweet, friendly girl sit in front of the TV. JASON (downing a beer) I’ve come to the conclusion that women are batshit crazy.
WALTER They really are. JASON She was completely in love with me one second, then appalled by me the next! ZACK Fuck that bitch, dog! Plenty of pussy out there, yo. MARIA Zack! ZACK What? You ain’t gonna let me talk how I want in front of my friends? JASON Zack, shut the fuck up, we all know you’re secretly whipped. ZACK What you talkin’ about? WALTER I just don’t get it, man! You’re the best looking guy in our group. ZACK Best looking guy I know, no homo. WALTER Plus you’re a lawyer, you dress well, talk well, smell good, never litter... JASON I spent the entire night treating her like a queen, taking her out to an authentic Italian dinner... NO KISS at the end- and pre-pubescent Jesse James pulls up in a scooter and swoons her panties off like a Houdini trick. I thought my mind was playing tricks on me! MARIA Jason, from a female perspective, there are millions of girls out there that would kill to be with a guy like you.
JASON Really? MARIA Yeah! You’re like the perfect guy. JASON That’s what I don’t get. Every girl tells me I’m the ‘perfect guy’. Then after two weeks they say ‘I just want to be friends.’ WALTER And the friend zone is a lonely, celibate place my friend. ZACK Not unlike your asshole, Walter. WALTER Like Bon Jovi says, my asshole is like an open highway. The DOOR swings open- in comes ROBBY, 28, glasses, INDIAN, I.T. Consultant. Talks like a CAVEMAN. JASON Hey Robby. ROBBY GUYS! Just found out IBM and Accenture have designed new I.T. program. Will be revolutionary. JASON Oh yeah? What program? ROBBY (pointing to Zack) Give me computer! Zack hands his laptop over. Robby pulls up an applicationPAINT. JASON Paint? ROBBY MICROSOFT PAINT WILL CHANGE FACE OF THE I.T. INDUSTRY! Walter is cracking up in the background.
JASON Robby, first of all, Paint isn’t a Microsoft program. Secondly, Paint has been around ever since we started masturbating. ROBBY Jason, you are wrong man. I am a young I.T. Consultant and work for Top 5 firm. JASON One of life’s many mysteries. ZACK Speaking of mysteries, Jason just got friend-zoned again. ROBBY Again?! JASON I don’t want to talk about it... ROBBY Girls are no good, man! JASON Anyway, Walter.. How are things on your end? How’s the police academy? WALTER It’s going good man, I’m really excited to be a police officer! ZACK Dog, you are like the nicest guy alive. You are NOT suited to be a cop. WALTER Plus I have a soft spot for backpage hookers... JASON Walter, you’re gonna be a great cop buddy. I’ll be sure to watch ‘Training Day’ with you every weekend from now on. That movie will toughen you up. MARIA I love that movie! Ethan Hawke was so cute.
ROBBY EDDIE MURPHY played good cop in Training Day, man! Make you hate his guts. JASON You mean Denzel? ROBBY EDDIE MURPHY man, guy who robbed Russell Crowe after Oscar show and take his award. WALTER Uhh, we’re pretty sure that’s Denzel Washington you’re talking about. ROBBY Ahh.. All slaves turned movie star are same, man. INT. TYSON’S CORNER MALL -- DAY Jason sits in the food court, picking at his Panda Express. Two GORGEOUS blonde’s, STACY and KAYLA, appear from behind. STACY Jason!!!!!! JASON (getting up) Heyyy. They both HUG him at the same time. STACY Excited to go shopping with two hot chicks? JASON Of course. STACY By the way, thank you so much for walking me home last Sunday. INT. APARTMENT -- FLASHBACK Jason gets a phone call from a random number. He answers. Jason!!!!!! KAYLA
JASON Hello? INT. HOUSE -- FLASHBACK Random STUD is on the phone while Stacy puts her heels on in the background. STUD Hey, Jason? INTERCUT: JASON Yes? STUD I just had a one-night with your friend, Stacy. She said you’re like her butt buddy. I need you to pick her up. JASON Oh... Okay, cool. No problem. Would you mind texting me the address? If not, I can just write it down. STUD Yeah. (hangs up) EXT. HOUSE -- FLASHBACK Stacy, club attire still on, holds hands with Jason as they walk outside on a Sunday morning. STACY Thanks for doing the walk of shame with me. JASON You’re welcome. INT. TYSON’S CORNER MALL -- CONTINUOUS We’re back at the mall now. STACY Oh my God Kayla, Jason has the best fashion sense. (MORE)
10. STACY (CONT'D) He helped me pick out the perfect dress for my date last week!
KAYLA Jasonnn. I have a date coming up, too! Help me pick out something nice. JASON That’s what I’m here for. KAYLA I really wanna impress this guy, but not in a slutty way, you know? JASON Then we better find something that covers up your tramp stamp. KAYLA Yeah, totally. They begin walking. STACY So Jason, how’s YOUR dating life going? JASON Not too hot as of late. Miranda just dumped me. She was the girl of my dreams. KAYLA What?! She must be a total bitch. JASON Well, both of you rejected me too. STACY Aw, Jason. It’s not like that. When we went on our first date, I kept thinking ‘Wow! This guy is truly amazing’. I felt like I totally didn’t deserve you, you know? KAYLA Yeah, and when you took me out for ice-cream, I kept feeling this warm, special feeling. JASON Really?
KAYLA Yeah, the feeling I get everytime I see Drew. JASON Who’s Drew? Must be some bad boy exboyfriend you can’t get over, right? (smirks) KAYLA My kid brother. He’s so precious to me. JASON (disgusted) Cool. KAYLA And you did introduce me to Stacy. She’s become my BFF! STACY I think all three of us are BFF’s! JASON Does that entitle us to BFF threesomes? Or BFF BJ’s? STACY (laughs) Jason! I’d do you in a heartbeat, look at you. You’re hot. KAYLA Jason, you should be a model. He smiles, ego feeling a little better. JASON So how about we make this little Ménage à trois happen tonight at my place? STACY (laughs) You are such a bad boy! But seriously though, you’re like a brother to us. We’d hate to ruin something so special. VICTORIA’s SECRET is in plain sight.
KAYLA Oo, Victoria’s Secret! STACY Come on Jason! Wait, hold my purse for a second. KAYLA Mine too. Thanks babe. The girls place their purses on him, then GIDDILY scamper away towards the store. ANGLE ON: Jason with a purse hanging from both shoulders. JASON Fuck my life. INT. VICTORIA’S SECRET, MALL -- CONTINUOUS Jason stands outside the FITTING ROOM, impatient- on his iPhone. He logs into FACEBOOK to update his status: ‘Shopping for Lingerie with 2 hotties... Envy me’. He smiles, puts his phone in his pocket. A gorgeous ASIAN sales associate, 20s, black attire, walks by. ASSOCIATE Can I help you with anything, sir? JASON (muttering) Sexual healing. ASSOCIATE Excuse me? JASON Oh, spring cleaning. It’s the best... I’m stoked to clean my house later. ASSOCIATE That’s...great. Awkward beat. ASSOCIATE (CONT’D) So is there anything I may assist you with today?
JASON Oh no. I’m just helping my friends pick out lingerie. Thank you though. ASSOCIATE Aw that’s so wonderful of you. JASON Totally. ASSOCIATE I used to have a friend like that, too. JASON Yeah? ASSOCIATE Yeah, he was awesome. But we aren’t friends anymore. JASON And why’s that? ASSOCIATE Well one day, he decided to... um... stick his hand into my fortune cookie jar. He was really attractive and all, but I just didn’t feel it for him, you know? Then things got awkward between us and we stopped talking. JASON Wow. I.. I guess I can relate to that. One of the DOORS cracks open. Stacy peeks half her face outdoor COVERING her body. STACY (to associate) Hi. (to Jason) Will you stop being such a flirt and come inside for a sec? JASON Really? STACY (hand gesturing) Yes!
ASSOCIATE Go get em’, Tiger. INT. FITTING ROOM, VICTORIA’S SECRET -- CONTINUOUS Jason ENTERS the fitting room. Stacy is dressed in a black and white leopard print BRA & PANTIES- A STUNNING sight. They are literally FACE TO FACE. Jason is getting visibly ANXIOUS. STACY What do you think? JASON Wow. Just wow. STACY Yeah? You like it? JASON Do I ever. She feels something. STACY What is that? Oh my God, Jason. Are you hard?! ANGLE ON: Jason’s BONER poking Stacy straight in the crotch. JASON Oh no, that must be my iPhone. STACY No it’s not! JASON There’s an app for that. STACY Ew. Ew. EW! JASON What?! STACY You’re like my brother! He places his HANDS on her breasts. JASON (shushing) Shhhh. I know what you think of me. Let’s just take it slow. (MORE)
15. JASON (CONT'D) Close our eyes and pretend we’re in West Virgina or Kentucky.
STACY Ugh. You fucking pervert! INT. VICTORIA’S SECRET -- CONTINUOUS She STORMS out the fitting room half-naked. Women customers look on in shock. The boyfriends OGLE her. A few jealous SLAPS on the arm ensue. ASSOCIATE (to a co-worker) That was fast. KAYLA (O.S.) Stacy? STACY Kayla, let’s go! Jason tried to make a move on me. Kayla comes out in all-black STOCKINGS, BRA & PANTIES. RANDOM MALE CUSTOMER God bless you, Jason. CLOSE IN on Jason’s face- HUMILIATION. JASON Give me a second. He closes the door and SINKS slowly to the floor, sighing. INT. GREENE TURTLE -- DAY Jason, Walter, and Robby are seated at a ROUND TABLE, surrounded by pitcher upon pitcher of MIMOSAS. JASON It happened again. WALTER What happened now? JASON (downs entire glass) I went shopping today. WALTER That’s great, man. What’d you buy?
JASON (downs another glass) I helped Stacy and Kayla pick out lingerie from Victoria’s Secret. And it was fucking degrading. WALTER Elaborate. JASON I don’t want to talk about it. Robby pulls out his FACEBOOK app on his phone. ROBBY Jason, you are PLAYBOY OF THE YEAR, bro. ZOOM INTO the phone: Jason’s facebook status ‘Shopping for Lingerie with 2 hotties... Envy me’ has 35 likes and 20 comments, all praises. He reaches for another MIMOSA. Walter grabs his wrist. WALTER Hey man! Take it easy! JASON I’ll never be good with girls. WALTER Don’t say that. That’s such a selfdefeating attitude. He grabs a PITCHER with his other hand- begins gulping. Walter grabs the pitcher, puts it down. WALTER (CONT’D) Relax, buddy! Don’t drink yourself to death. The way you’re acting now, no girl is gonna wanna sleep with you! JASON (as Mimosa drips down his chin) It was fucking humiliating. Like being the pornstar everyone jizzes on in a Bukkake. I went home and jerked off vindictively to a Victoria’s Secret catalog. WALTER Wow.
JASON Yeah, and the funny thing was I couldn’t even get hard all the way. It was like a half-boner. Soft and hard. I didn’t even feel like a man, it was like stroking an engorged clitoris. WALTER I know what that’s like buddy. When your pride is hurting, you might as well be squirting. ROBBY Jason. Girl named Stacy just commented on your status, bro. JASON (grabbing phone) Fuck. The comment: ‘It was very anti-climactic.. LOL’ JASON (CONT’D) (giving phone back) Maybe I should just beg Miranda to take me back. WALTER No, man. Have some self-respect! We’re gonna get you the help you need. You need to be around others that share your pain right now. JASON Losers and virgins? Walter SLAPS him across the face. WALTER Jason. JASON What? WALTER I fucking love you, man. JASON I love you too. WALTER And Robby loves you.
ROBBY I love you guys. JASON I love you too, Robby. WALTER And as your two best friends, we are going to get you the help you deserve. Before you degenerate into Lindsay Lohan. JASON What’d you have in mind? INT. BRIGHT ROOM -- NIGHT Jason and the friends- sit in a CIRCLE with SINGLE, LONELY looking men. This is a SUPPORT GROUP. A banner hangs above their heads: ‘BFF’s ANONYMOUS (BIFFA)’. JASON (to Walter) This is the stupidest fucking idea ever. WALTER Give it a chance. A man, late 30s, dark BLAZER, cashmere V-neck sweater, dress shirt underneath equipped with DESIGNER JEANS and brown shoes enters the room. This is RYAN NASH, the support group leader. MARIA (to Zack) Why can’t you be like that? ZACK Fuck yourself. RYAN walks and stands in the center. RYAN Gentlemen. (looks at Maria) And lady. She smiles. RYAN (CONT’D) Welcome to BIFFA. BFF’s Anonymous. A place of private healing. I am your host, Ryan Nash.
JASON What a stupid name. RYAN You see, I too, was once in your shoes. I know what it’s like to get shot down by every single girl you’ve ever been attracted to. I know that hopeless feeling of wanting to share your feelings to a woman who’s been spilling her guts out to you over her asshole boyfriend. To tell her that you love her, and can treat her a thousand times better than that prick ever would. Jason’s skepticism is slowing fading. RYAN (CONT’D) And that is why I’m here gentlemen, not to encourage you to become a jerk to women. But to enable you to realize your potential. He POINTS to Zack. RYAN (CONT’D) You. What’s your story? ZACK (standing up) Yo fuck you. I got bitches on my nuts, son. RYAN Have a seat. Zack sits down, SMIRKING. RYAN (CONT’D) He has low self-esteem. Don’t be like that, guys. Maria giggles. ZACK The fuck you laughin’ at? Ryan points to a young guy, 20s, name-tag: MIKE. RYAN Share your pain.
MIKE (stands up) I was in love with a girl, Vanessa. But she didn’t feel the same way. RYAN Unrequited love. MIKE We dated for about 3 weeks. I told her how I felt about her over a bridge overlooking the Potomac River. It was a perfect moment. She told me she loved me back. After that night, I never heard from her again. RYAN Ouch. Just ouch. (pointing to Jason) Stand up. JASON (reluctantly stands up) I just have the worst luck with girls, plain and simple. They only want to be my friend. Robby GETS UP. ROBBY My friend JASON is GOOD GUY. GIRLS are no good, I tell him everyday, ‘MARRIAGE IS PROSTITUTION’. RYAN Alright alright Robby. You’ll get your turn, please sit down and let Jason speak. Robby sits. JASON Yeah so that’s that. My last girlfriend, Miranda, whom I adored... left me for another guy. The ‘asshole ex’. She did it right after I treated her to a fancy dinner. RYAN Women can be so cruel, right?
JASON Yeah. RYAN Everyone, take a good look at Jason. Great-looking guy if you don’t mind me saying so. JASON Not at all. RYAN You must have a good job too. JASON I’m a patent attorney. RYAN (pointing) That is the LAST guy that should ever be put in the friend zone. But it happens ALL THE TIME. And you know why? EVERYONE Why? RYAN Well I can’t say. Today’s all about sharing our experiences and healing together. JASON Look, Mr. Nash. Can you cut the shit? We’re all suffering here. Just tell us. RYAN Patience, my friend. I will help you see the light. He SIGHS, sits down. INT. BRIGHT ROOM -- CONTINUOUS Some time has passed. It’s late into the night. RYAN That about wraps up our session. I want to thank you wonderful gentlemen for sharing, and I’ll see you all next Tuesday.
Ryan turns and walks out the room. WALTER See, aren’t you glad we did this? JASON Hold on. Jason gets UP- rushes out the room to catch up to Ryan. INT. HALLWAY -- NIGHT Ryan, front to us, walks. We see Jason jogging up to him from behind. JASON Hey, listen man. I’m really sorry for getting snappy at you like that. That was uncalled for. RYAN (patting his back) Don’t worry about it, buddy. JASON I just feel bad. RYAN (stops walking, faces him) Jason, I like you a lot. But you gotta fix your attitude, it’s disgusting. JASON What’s wrong with my attitude? RYAN We’ll talk next Tuesday. He continues walking. Jason stands still. JASON (calling out) I’m just frustrated. Ryan, facing us- STOPS again. He feels empathy. RYAN I see a lot of my old self in you. JASON Really?
RYAN Meet me at Pazzo in Harbor East this Friday at nine. Leave the friends at home. JASON Wow, I-Ryan continues walking. INT. DEREK’S BEDROOM -- NIGHT Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Posters, EXOTIC car photos & Bonsai Trees fill the place- A DOUCHEBAG’S paradise. PAN over to Miranda riding Derek on the bed. They both finish at the same time. She lays down with him under the covers, catching her breath. MIRANDA That was good. DEREK Hell yeah it was. She smiles. Rests her head against his chiseled chest, wanting to CUDDLE. DEREK (CONT’D) Ah, not now babe. Lemme smoke a cig first. He brushes her aside- then lights one up. MIRANDA Seriously? DEREK (taking a puff, blowing) Yep. She takes the cigarette- puts it out in a glass of water. DEREK (CONT’D) Hey! MIRANDA I don’t feel like getting cancer tonight. (cuddling now)
MIRANDA (CONT’D) I’m grabbing lunch with Jason tomorrow. DEREK Really? MIRANDA Yeah. DEREK That guy’s such a loser. MIRANDA Don’t say that! DEREK It’s true. MIRANDA No it’s not. He’s... Yeah. I guess he kinda is. But I just wanna see how’s he doing, you know? CUT TO: INT. JASON’S APARTMENT -- NIGHT This line instantly plays- “If you ask me, how I’m doin’, I would say I’m doin’ just fine, I would lie and say that you’re not on my mind” (from Gavin DeGraw’s “Not Over You”) Jason, PAJAMAS on, is sitting on his couch MASTURBATING through his pants to a Victoria’s Secret catalog while he SOBS uncontrollably. A box of tissues and picture of him and Miranda rests on the lamp stand. INT. DEREK’S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS DEREK Have fun with that. TRI-TONE ringtone sound is heard- it’s a TEXT MESSAGE to Derek’s phone: “Hahahah <3” from Rachel. Miranda takes a peek. MIRANDA Who’s that?
DEREK (puts phone away) One of my friends. MIRANDA Friend? DEREK Yup. MIRANDA Friends don’t send friends heart symbols. DEREK Relax, it’s all in good fun. MIRANDA Are you cheating on me? DEREK Hey, hey now... Don’t get all insecure on me, you know I don’t like that shit. MIRANDA I’m not! You just got a text message with hearts from a girl I’ve never even heard of. That’s a pretty big red flag. DEREK Miranda, look at me. MIRANDA What? DEREK Do you trust me? Beat. DEREK (CONT’D) Okay, regardless of whether you trust me or not... I love you. MIRANDA Really? DEREK Yeah. MIRANDA You’ve never said that before.
DEREK Well I mean it. MIRANDA (smiles) I love you too, so much. They KISS. She puts her head back on his chest, content. He takes out his phone- starts TEXTING. Flashes sly grin. INT. ROBBY’S CAR -- DAY Robby, driving- sits with Walter, dressed in POLICE attire. “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” by Whitney Houston is blasting on the radio. Our boys are really into it. WALTER (out of sync) I’ve done all right up to now. It’s the light of day that shows me how. And when the night falls... (softly) Loneliness calls. ROBBY & WALTER (still out of sync) OHHHHH, I wanna dance with somebody! I wanna feel the heat with somebody. (looking at eachother) YEAHHHHH, wanna dance with somebody. With somebody who loves me. They repeat the chorus in equally horrendous fashion. WALTER Man this song is so fucking good. It just makes you feel so happy! ROBBY Like crack for your ears, bro. Robby is getting an incoming call from Jason. WALTER Dude, it’s Jason! Turn it down. ROBBY (turns radio down, answers) Sup player.
INT. JASON’S OFFICE, K&L GATES LLP -- DAY Jason, in business attire- surrounded by STACKS of contracts and paperwork, sits at his office. NAME PLATE on display. JASON Hey, what’s goin’ on man? INTERCUT: ROBBY (places phone on speaker) Me and Walter are having WHITNEY HOUSTON jam session. JASON Oh, word. I fucking love Whitney. ROBBY She’s awesome. JASON It’s a shame she died. Her and Rihanna coulda done a song together called “Motherfuck Those Fucking Browns”. WALTER Jason! We miss you, bud. JASON I miss you guys, too. What are you y’all up to? WALTER Robby’s dropping me off to police school, man. What are you doing? JASON Eh, just wanted to call cuz I’m ‘bout to have lunch with Miranda in twenty minutes. I’m really nervous. WALTER You’re doing what?! ROBBY JASON, pardon my language in advance bro. But girl is GIGANTIC CUNT! WALTER Robby, turn this fucking car around! (MORE)
28. WALTER (CONT'D) We’re going to Jason’s work. We’re gonna have to put this bitch in a stray jacket.
JASON Guys, relax. It’s just lunch. WALTER This is a trainwreck waiting to happen, man! JASON It’ll be fine. WALTER Jason, no. I’ve seen this girl rip your heart out and stomp on it with her stilettos. Over and Over. You are not doing this. JASON Seriously, don’t worry. She says she just wants to see how I’m doing. It’s no big deal. WALTER Promise me one thing. JASON What’s that? WALTER If she asks to take you back, you stand your ground. JASON Oh of course. WALTER We’re just worried about you, man. We don’t want to see you hurt again. JASON Fellas, I can tell you with 100% certainty. I. Am. Over. This. Bitch. EXT. THE POINT -- DAY It’s a beautiful day in Baltimore. Jason sits outside on the restaurant patio, FIDGETY. A cute blonde waitress walks by.
WAITRESS Can I get you something to drink, sir? JASON Oh, yes. Water, please. WAITRESS Is everything alright? You seem a little out of it. JASON I’m fine. I’m just meeting my ex. She should be here soon. WAITRESS I know what that’s like. JASON Can I get a gin & tonic instead? WAITRESS Sure. She leaves. Moments later, a CAB pulls up. A long, tanned leg stretches out- it’s Miranda. JASON Fuck. (deep breath) You can do this. He quickly fixes his hair. She spots him- walks over. MIRANDA Heyyy. Jason gets up. They hug. MIRANDA (CONT’D) It’s good to see you. JASON Likewise. They sit down. MIRANDA So. How’ve you been? JASON Great. Just great.
MIRANDA Good. JASON I’ve been, you know... keeping busy. MIRANDA Oh yeah? JASON Yeah. Securing patents at work. Skydiving, hanging out with friends. MIRANDA Skydiving? JASON (lying) Yep. It’s the best. MIRANDA Hmm. Sounds exciting. JASON Yeah. How are things on your end? MIRANDA They’re alright. JASON Just alright? MIRANDA Yeah... Oh I just got promoted to Senior Sales Associate at Kay’s. JASON Oh, awesome. Congrats. MIRANDA Thanks. Beat. MIRANDA (CONT’D) I keep getting calls from a blocked number late at night. I pick up and they make a weird gargling noise, then hang up. Is that you?
JASON No. (nervous laughter) How could you even think that? The waitress comes by- places drink down. WAITRESS Here’s your gin & tonic. Can I get you something to drink, ma’am? MIRANDA Water with lemon, please. WAITRESS Certainly. (walks away) MIRANDA Daytime drinking? JASON It’s five o'clock somewhere. MIRANDA So are you seeing anybody? JASON Ah nothin’ serious. Just a few sensual encounters, one night stands. The usual. MIRANDA (unconvinced) Cool. He takes a sip. Awkward beat. MIRANDA (CONT’D) Jason, listen... I’m really sorry about how things ended. He looks to the side. MIRANDA (CONT’D) I know I don’t have a fancy explanation that can magically cure everything and take away your pain. But I just want to tell you that I’m sorry. And that I feel like a horrible person. JASON You are.
She puts her hand on his hand. MIRANDA I’m just glad you’re in my life. I’m glad we’re friends. JASON (moving hand away) Why’d you leave me for him? I thought he was abusive. MIRANDA Yeah... I know he has a dark side. But he’s had a rough childhood. And he’s really changed lately. JASON People don’t change overnight. MIRANDA Well, I like to see the good in people. JASON The guy used to fucking beat you! You think people like that change? MIRANDA Jason, that’s enough. JASON Look, this isn’t making me feel any better. So maybe it’s best if we don’t talk anymore. MIRANDA I can’t just cut you out of my life like that. (beat) You were a huge part of it. You still are. The waitress comes back with Miranda’s water. WAITRESS Are you guys ready to order? JASON I just lost my appetite. He gets up, drops money on the table.
JASON (CONT’D) But get her a cold dish or something. You are what you eat. He leaves- Miranda sighs. INT. GOLD’S GYM -- DAY Jason and all the friends are on bikes- surrounded by SWEATY people. This is a spinning class. A YOUNG female instructor teaches the class. INSTRUCTOR Alright guys, how are we feeling? EVERYONE Great! JASON (shouting) Like ASS.
INSTRUCTOR (CONT’D) Wonderful! Let’s get the juices flowing through our body. Everyone begin peddling. They all start to peddle lightly. WALTER How’d it go with Miranda? Aka Evil Bitch aka People Magazine’s Whore of the Year. ZACK Aka Time Magazine’s Retarded Bitch of the Century. WALTER Aka 2009’s Academy Award Winner for Best Actress in ‘The Blind Side’... Sandra Bullshit-On-My-Cock. JASON Guys, that’s enough. It didn’t go good. ROBBY Told you so, bro. JASON Yeah, I should have listened to you guys. (MORE)
34. JASON (CONT'D) I thought I felt bad before, but seeing her brought all my feelings of pain and suffering to the surface.
WALTER What happened? JASON She said she misses me and wants me in her life. But as a friend. ROBBY That’s fucked up. MARIA Jason, that’s not cool. Don’t take second class behavior from her. JASON I’m not. I’m just gonna cut my losses and move on. MARIA I hope you do, even though it’s easier said than done. JASON Right. MARIA Well if you need a female to talk to, I’m here for you. JASON Maria, I love you to death. And no offense, but the last thing I need right now is a female to talk to. She gives him a sarcastic sad face. MARIA But we’re so lovable. JASON Stop it. INSTRUCTOR Feel the burn, guys! WALTER You hear that, Jason? She wants us to feel the burn.
Robby begins to peddle FURIOUSLY. WALTER (CONT’D) Robby! What are you doing man? ROBBY MUST FEEL BURN! INSTRUCTOR Hey hey! Take it easy over there champ, this is just a warm-up. ROBBY YOU TOLD US TO FEEL BURN. INSTRUCTOR Right, a slow... (breathing in) and steady burn. (breathing out) Like that. ROBBY I am quite unsure as to what BURN you mean. One time I stole panties lying around WNBA Washington Mystics locker room, then use them to masturbate. Incident led to CHLAMYDIA. Felt like burn to pee next day! INT. WASHINGTON MYSTICS LOCKER ROOM -- FLASHBACK TWO HUGE, AMAZONIAN 6’3, African American MYSTICS players walk post-game carrying laundry bags. PLAYER 1 Girl, you slept with Kobe Bryant last night? PLAYER 2 (scratching legs) Yeah girl, and I’ve been itchin’ like crazy all day. SUDDENLY, ROBBY- REDSKINS gear, BURSTS out of a locker. The players SHRIEK. He RUNS and SNATCHES Player 2’s LAUNDRY BAG. ROBBY (running off) JUNGLE FEVER!
INT. GOLD’S GYM -- CONTINUOUS INSTRUCTOR What?! No, that’s not what I meant. MARIA Robby, Robby. Just peddle sweetheart, no talking required. JASON Wow, we’re a mature group. ZACK I’m not feeling shit right now. MARIA Oh my God, why’d I bother taking you guys here? DEREK enters the studio. JASON Shit. That’s her ex. ZACK I’m gonna kill that son of a bitch! JASON No, allow me. INSTRUCTOR You’re late. DEREK Yeah, sorry. I just got done having sex with my girlfriend, Miranda. Jason’s face is FLUSHED. Derek takes off his track jacketexposing his PERFECT physique and tattoos. INSTRUCTOR (checking him out) Well I wouldn’t want you coming in worn out, we’re just getting started. He sits down on a bike, begins peddling. DEREK Nah, it was a quickie. INSTRUCTOR Very well then, five more minutes of warm-up.
ROBBY JASON, that’s the ex? JASON Yeah. Robby gets up- THROWS a water bottle at the back of Derek’s head. Everyone looks on in SHOCK. DEREK What the fuck?! He gets up, approaches Robby- who stands up. DEREK (CONT’D) What the fuck’s your problem?! ROBBY YOU TAKE MY BEST FRIEND’S GIRL, I WILL KILL YOU MAN! DEREK She was mine first! The rest of the friends get in his face. WALTER Hey, poor man’s Team Jacob! Why don’t you back off before I MAKE YOU EAT YOUR OWN DICK! ZACK I’m ready to cap this bitch, yo. WALTER My best friend Jason is a million times better than you ever will be, bitch! You look like Marlon Brando’s ballsack. Jason walks over. JASON Guys, it’s cool. Thanks for having my back. DEREK Jason? JASON You. (beat) I hate you with every single fiber of my body. (MORE)
38. JASON (CONT'D) I hate your tattoos, I hate the way your muscles bulge when you’re angry, I hate your stupid dirtbike. I just hate... your existence on earth.
DEREK Yeah? Well I’m fucking your exgirlfriend, so what are you gonna do about it? JASON You can have her. I’m done with that. But if you ever put your hands on her again, rest assured, things won’t be pretty for you. DEREK Is that a threat? JASON No. It’s an invitation to join the choir. DEREK (stares) You got balls, kid. I didn’t think you did. Derek walks over to his bike, puts his JACKET back on. MARIA (to Walter) Marlon Brando’s ballsack? That was hilarious. WALTER That’s what he looks like. He walks back to Jason- friends CAUTIOUSLY surrounding them. DEREK I’ll be shackin’ up with your next girl too, buddy. They stare eachother down. Derek finally heads towards the exit. As he opens the door to leave, Robby grabs another water bottle- HURLS it at the back of his head. DEREK (CONT’D) (turns around) Son of a-
INSTRUCTOR Alright, that’s enough! LEAVE! ALL OF YOU! EXT. PAZZO -- NIGHT Jason, now in a button-up and jeans, waits outside the venue in a LONG line. He looks at his watch- 9:02 P.M. JASON Fuck. (to person behind) Hold this spot for one sec. He walks ALL the way to the front, which seems like an ETERNITY. He approaches a HUGE bouncer, MARCEL (looks like Vin Diesel). JASON (CONT’D) Hey. Do I get a t-shirt? MARCEL What? JASON I just did a 5K to get up here. They usually hand out shirts at the end of marathons. (laughs) The bouncer- STONE-FACED. JASON (CONT’D) (awkward) Bad joke, bad joke. Listen man, I’m supposed to be meeting a friend here. It’s a very important meeting. I don’t wanna be a jackass but do you think you can cut me some slack and let me in? MARCEL Hmmm... Why not, you seem like a decent guy. Go ahead. He steps aside. JASON Wow, thanks a lot man. I appreciate that. He takes a step forward- then gets SHOVED back about five feet.
MARCEL Back of the line, pretty boy. The front of the line LAUGHS. A random guy gives the bouncer a fist bump. JASON (dusting himself off) A “no” would have worked too. He turns around. RYAN NASH, wearing an all-black designer suit, comes out. RYAN (to bouncer) What do you think you’re doing? MARCEL He tried to cut in line. RYAN That’s a client of mine... MARCEL Mr. Nash, I’m really sorry. I didn’tRYAN This isn’t psychotherapy session where you exorcise your childhood demons. You were picked on in high school, Marcel. This is real-life now. You’re an adult. Growing up is a viable option. The bouncer begins to TEAR up. RYAN (CONT’D) Hey, hey. I didn’t mean to be so harsh. MARCEL You hurt my feelings, man! RYAN I said I’m sorry. MARCEL You ALWAYS do this! ALWAYS! Then I end up going home posting sentimental shit on Twitter to make myself feel better! Ryan hugs him gently.
RYAN (whispering) I’ll have the kitchen make you a cheese fondue, mixed with babygouda, asiago, and edliplz blue, which is a crumbly cheese with 26 percent butterfat and a sharp flavor. Then we can watch Pokemon the Movie on Blu-Ray later. MARCEL (sniffs) Okay. Ryan PATS him on the back. Turns to Jason. RYAN (confidently gives him a shake and a hug) How you doin’? JASON Quite splendid. It’s good to see you. RYAN (observing him) Banana Republic? JASON Yep. RYAN Next time dress in layers. Men always look better in layers. JASON Ah, it’s not really my style. RYAN Jason, tonight you’re either in the Comfort Zone or the Correct Zone. The Comfort Zone will get you friend-zoned each time. The Correct Zone will be a little uncomfortable, it won’t feel right at first. Like driving on the passenger’s side for the first time. But it will get you laid each time. Doing things the right way. JASON What?
RYAN Just remember this. Never forget it... Nobody ever sailed very far from Conservative Island. He turns around. Heads towards the ENTRANCE. RYAN (CONT’D) Follow me. JASON Fuck, that’s profound. Jason follows- before entering, he turns to MARCEL and offers a HUG. JASON (CONT’D) No hard feelings. Marcel reaches his arms out- Jason TURNS quickly and scampers inside. INT PAZZO -- NIGHT This is a RITZY place. People here are dressed to impress. Jason and Ryan sit at the bar. JASON (CONT’D) Now I kind of feel bad for not dressing in layers. RYAN I told you, so. The bartender hands the guys two scotch on the rocks. RYAN (CONT’D) It’s a good thing we’re here early. It’s not too crowded, and it’s not too loud either. JASON Do you own this place? RYAN Yes. JASON Why do you teach self-help classes then?
RYAN Because I’m a philanthropist, Jason. I fucking care about people. I was born sensitive, don’t judge. JASON Wasn’t going to. RYAN Alright, I don’t usually do this for my students. This one-on-one thing. JASON Is this the part where I’m supposed to ask ‘why me’? RYAN Yes, you smartass. JASON (dramatic) So why have thou chosen I? RYAN When we were in that room together... I looked down and saw a lot of myself inside of you. JASON That’s what he said. Ryan rubs his own forehead in frustration. JASON (CONT’D) Sorry, sorry. RYAN I was like you at one point. In love, grateful to have a girlfriend. Her name was Kristin Marsh. Beautiful olive skin, brown hair, freckles. We would rent a beach house in Ocean City every summer and spend all our days together. Drinkin’ beers on the patio every morning. JASON What happened? RYAN Well, I let her call all the shots... (MORE)
44. RYAN (CONT'D) I put the songs she liked on my iPod... went out of my way just to make her smile. Pretty much put her on a pedestal.
JASON Sounds like you were just trying to be a good boyfriend. RYAN Then, one day, she dumped me. Suddenly... I wasn’t good enough for her to love anymore... but good enough to be her friend. (taking a sip) It damn near killed me. JASON Well it seems like you’ve come a long way since then. RYAN I made a vow from that day on to never be that guy again. JASON So the point is to not be good to girls? RYAN No, that’s not the point at all. You need to be GREAT to girls. But you gotta respect yourself, have your own shit goin’ on. Women aren’t wired like we are, Jason. They want a man who will value himself as much as he values her. INT. MOVIE THEATER -- FLASHBACK Jason, holding hands with Miranda, stand in front of a movie theater lobby. JASON Ooo, let’s go see Ides of March. MIRANDA Noo, Jason! We can see that next week. I wanna see The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. JASON It has Daniel Craig in it right?
MIRANDA Yeah. JASON Sure, I love that guy. Let’s go. MIRANDA Sweet! (kisses him) You’re the best. INT. KAY JEWELER’S -- FLASHBACK Miranda, name tag on, is speaking with a customer. MIRANDA Yup, that right there is our finest cut. I think your husband would love it. Jason comes in, ROSES in one hand, bag of food in another. MIRANDA (CONT’D) Heyyy. He plants a kiss on her cheek. JASON Brought you some Olive Garden, and roses. Just ‘cause. MIRANDA Didn’t you have court today? JASON Ah, I postponed it to tomorrow. MIRANDA It was really important, though! JASON I figured I’d come by and surprise my princess instead. Her co-workers and customers all melt: ‘Awwww’. Miranda lights up, they kiss. INT. PAZZO -- CONTINUOUS JASON Oh my God. It all makes sense now.
RYAN That’s all there really is to it, Jason. Love yourself, and they will love you. JASON Okay, so that’s while being in a relationship. How do I get them to like me and not see me as like, a cute friend or something? Ryan pulls out his PHONE, begins searching. RYAN Here. He HANDS Jason the phone- it’s a picture of a CAVEMAN. JASON You want me to switch to Geico? RYAN No. It’s a caveman. Think about it. You think cavemen were anything like the pussies we call ‘men’ today? You think they sat around their fucking man caves writing Bruno Mars music all day long for cavewomen? (pretend singing) ‘I’d shave off my hair for ya. Yeah Yeah. Throw my hand on a spear for ya. Yeah Yeah. I’d hide in a pile of dino shit for ya. Yeah Yeah.’ (done singing) NO. So FUCK THAT FAGGOT! Caveman were out hunting and getting laid. JASON Or used caveman pickup-lines. (caveman voice) Hey baby, wanna go back to my cave? RYAN Exactly. Now go out there and be a fucking caveman! INT. PAZZO -- CONTINUOUS Jason approaches a set of 2 tall, beautiful women at the bar. JASON Hi, I’m Jason.
JESSICA (shaking his hand) Jessica. SUZANNE (shaking his hand) Suzanne. JASON One moment. Jason walks away off-screen. The women look at eachother puzzled. CRACK! A BAR STOOL is SWUNG and knocks both women over the head. UNCONSCIOUS. He observes both women for a second. JASON (CONT’D) (looking at Jessica) Too fat. He picks up Suzanne and FIREMAN carries her. CUT TO: INT. PAZZO -- CONTINUOUS Jason and Ryan are standing at the bar. RYAN That is not what I meant when I said be a caveman! JASON I thought you meant like club them over the head and take them back to my place. RYAN NO! JASON But it was so much easier, though! I didn’t even really have to say anything. RYAN What I meant was have some balls. Be direct. Don’t hide your true intentions. Not go Jersey Shore on a bitch.
JASON Sorry, I guess I got a little carried away... RYAN Alright, how about this. Allow me to do the heavy lifting. You just sit back and be the man I want you to be. JASON Cool. Ryan walks, Jason follows. They spot another set of two extremely SEXY women sitting at a high-top table and stop. RYAN Ready? JASON Yes. No, wait I... Give me a minute. Fuck. They’re really hot. RYAN No violence this time. JASON Right, totally. RYAN Let’s go. Ryan approaches as Jason tags along. RYAN (CONT’D) Hey ladies. They look at him, annoyed. BOTH WOMEN (lukewarm) Hey. RYAN Names? WOMAN 1 Aren’t you gonna ask politely? RYAN I’m not a polite person. (charming smile) Now the girls seem a little intrigued.
MICHELLE I’m Michelle. VALENTINA Valentina. RYAN I’m Ryan. That’s my friend, Jason. JASON (waving) Hello. RYAN (to Michelle) You, you’re really sexy. He confidently walks closer. Almost face-to-face. Michelle, obviously feeling TENSION- looks down nervously. MICHELLE Listen, my girl and I have been bombarded all night long and we couldHe ignores her and kisses her- PASSIONATELY. MICHELLE (CONT’D) You’re aggressive... I like it! RYAN Let’s go somewhere quiet. He takes her by the hand. RYAN (CONT’D) (to Jason in passing) Lead, motherfucker! They walk away. Jason and Valentina are left in UNCOMFORTABLE silence, looking around- for what seems like forever. JASON Kids these days. (nervous chuckle) VALENTINA Huh? JASON Oh nothing, I was just making an off-color joke. She looks at him ODDLY.
JASON (CONT’D) (to himself) Be a caveman. Be a caveman. (to her) So, you’re uh... VALENTINA I’m?... JASON Like so... super smexy! VALENTINA Smexy?! JASON Well, judging by your tan complexion and Southern American accent, I figured you’re Mexican. Don’t ask how I know, I’m a man of class and sophistication. (winks like a dork) VALENTINA I’m Russian... JASON Oh... (forcing smooth voice) Well your sexiness makes me horny for your, uhh... international... bosoms. He tries to move in for a kiss- with a lot less TACT than Ryan. She gently pushes him away. VALENTINA Okay, stop. I’m not feelin’ it... but I’m not a bitch either. Have a seat, we can get to know eachother. JASON Really? She looks at him like ‘Yeah, Really.’ He sits. VALENTINA Well your friend was really smooth. What happened to you? JASON I suck. I know. (throws hands up)
VALENTINA Yeah, you’re really awful. (laughs) JASON I just thought you were really gorgeous so I got nervous and choked up. VALENTINA Aww, that’s sweet. FLASH FORWARD. VALENTINA (CONT’D) I can’t believe she did that to you! JASON Yeah, I know right? VALENTINA Oh my god. You poor thing. The waiter comes over- drops two green martinis down. JASON Ecto Cooler!!!! VALENTINA ECTO COOLER!
VALENTINA (CONT’D) I can’t believe you know about Ecto Cooler! JASON Are you kidding me? Those fucking Ghostbuster drinks were the shit. VALENTINA Everytime I order one of these drinks, it reminds me of when I was a kid. My mom would pack me an Ecto Cooler every day for lunch. JASON Me too! VALENTINA (intrigued) Who are you? FLASH FORWARD some more. Many empty martini glasses are scattered across the table.
VALENTINA (CONT’D) (cracking up) You’re too much. JASON The only time I’ve heard that in my life was when I fucked a midget. VALENTINA You had sex with a midget? JASON Well, I was really drunk. Either that or she was like six years old. FLASH FORWARD again. VALENTINA (crying) He told me his heart wasn’t in it anymore. That he didn’t see a future between us. JASON This was last week? VALENTINA Yeah. JASON Have you contacted him since then? VALENTINA (wiping away tears) Probably more than I should have. JASON Give him some time to think about his decision. I mean, look at you... you’re simply... breathtaking. You have a good head on your shoulders. I’m sure with a little distance, he’ll come running back in no time. VALENTINA (smiles) I hope so. The LIGHTS come on. It’s the end of the night. Ryan, with Michelle in arm, returns to the table. MICHELLE Hey love birds!
VALENTINA Hey. MICHELLE Were you crying? VALENTINA I was just getting a little emotional. No big deal. RYAN Wow, it looks you guys really shared a moment there. JASON We did. Valentina stands up- gives Jason a giant HUG. VALENTINA I feel like I’ve known you my whole life. You’re like an instant best friend. JASON I feel like sleeping with you. VALENTINA (laughs) Shut up. (to Michelle) You ready? MICHELLE Yeah. VALENTINA Bye Jason. Good luck with everything. She kisses him on the cheek. JASON Let’s get together sometime. What’s your number? VALENTINA Oh... I can’t meet up with you, Jason. But I think you’re like... such a great, funny, sweet guy. Please add me on Facebook! JASON Okay...
VALENTINA Sorry..... The girls leave. RYAN Did you really just spend the whole night talking to her? JASON Yeah, where were you? RYAN Upstairs getting my dick wet in my private office. JASON Oh, well I’m glad you had a nice time. RYAN Jason, you just got friend-zoned again. Too much connection, not enough action. JASON I guess. RYAN You gotta put the moves on these women, man. It’s the only way to go. JASON Ryan, you did a wonderful thing for me tonight. I appreciate you helping me, but this whole caveman thing isn’t my style. RYAN Let’s try this again. Same place, same time next week. Yeah? JASON Sure. Ryan pats him on the back, then leaves. EXT. PAZZO -- NIGHT Jason, STOIC, sits outside on the curb. A defeated man- but doesn’t really care at this point.
He’s taking in the scenery. Moments later, a pretty blonde, AMBER LARSON, 26, steps out of a cab. He stares at her, captivated. CAB DRIVER I told you, we can’t take you to that part of town! AMBER It’s only five minutes from here! CAB DRIVER For the last time, NO! Now close my damn door. AMBER (loudly) Schiesdreck, sohn vonere huer! Du draecks votze! (slams door) She walks angrily towards the curb, SLAMS her purse down, and sits a few feet away from Jason. She sends a quick text message while Jason musters up the courage to say something. JASON Hey. You probably don’t want to be bothered right now. But what language was that? AMBER Oh, it was Swiss-German. Please ignore all that, I didn’t mean to cause a scene. JASON I thought it was pretty cool, actually. AMBER (chuckles) Really? JASON I wish I could yell at people like that and still be considered cultured. She laughs. AMBER Yeah, I have a habit of cursing in my native tongue when I get mad.
JASON What’d you say? AMBER You don’t want to know. JASON Come on, tell me. AMBER Well if you really must know... I said ‘Bullshit, son of a bitch. You are a fucking cunt!’ JASON Well once we start dating, that stuff isn’t gonna fly with me. Besides, I’ll know what all your bad words mean by then. AMBER Well I guess you’ll just have to keep me happy and feed me chocolates all day. JASON Hey, that was cool. AMBER What? JASON You played along. AMBER So? JASON Most girls don’t. They get all serious like (fake scoff) ‘We’re not gonna be dating!’ AMBER What can I say? I’m one of a kind. JASON Yeah, every other girl is actually nice to their driver. AMBER (laughs) Shut up! That guy was a dick! He wouldn’t take me home. (MORE)
57. AMBER (CONT'D) My friends left the place early ‘cause they got completely plastered.
JASON This place here, Pazzo? AMBER Yeah. Not a fan. JASON Really? AMBER Nah, it’s too pretentious for Baltimore. JASON A buddy of mine owns the place. AMBER Tell your buddy that Amber Larson thinks his place sucks. JASON I think his world will come crumbling down if I tell him that. He’s gonna sink into a deep depression and open up a bar where people are required to wear designer sweatpants and Armani flip flops only. AMBER (laughs) What’s your name? JASON Jason. AMBER Surname? JASON Uhh, Sir Jason? What do you mean surname? Like Sir-Mix-A-Lot? AMBER No, you idiot. Your last name. JASON Ohhh. Why didn’t you say so? It’s Stoler.
AMBER That’s the European in me I guess. I did my undergrad overseas and came here for my PhD. JASON Where are you doing your PhD? AMBER University of Maryland. I’m studying Criminology. JASON Oh, awesome. AMBER Yeah, I wanna teach it one day. What do you do? JASON I’m a hair collector. I collect people’s hair, mostly from my friends, and store them in jars in my closet. Then I sell them to wig distributors. AMBER Seriously? JASON Yeah. Can I have a strand of yours? AMBER Okay. Do you have scissors? JASON I’m just messing with you. AMBER Oh. JASON I’m actually a lawyer, but that’s not very interesting. AMBER Eh... it’s really not. JASON Why are you still talking to me? AMBER What do you mean?
JASON Usually when I make that joke, girls look at me like I’m a serial killer. AMBER Hey! Don’t you dare hurt my ‘Cinnamon Toast Crunch’! Jason laughs. AMBER (CONT’D) I dunno, you’re not a horndog or asshole like all the other guys that talk to me. You are a little weird though I must admit... A car pulls up, it’s her friend, SARAH, 24, cute, nerdy Asian girl. SARAH Get in the car kiddo. AMBER (getting up) Coming! (to Jason) Well, it was nice meeting you. Thanks for giving me company while I waited. JASON Oh, for sure. (extends his hand) Have a safe night. She shakes it- turns around, walks, and opens the side door. Jason THINKS for one moment- then... JASON (CONT’D) Wait! AMBER (stops) Yeah? JASON Would you maybe uh... be down to hang out some time? AMBER Oh... (beat)
60. AMBER (CONT'D) I can’t. I’m newly celibate. But thanks.
Jason is crushed, she gets inside the car. AMBER (CONT’D) (getting back out) I’m kidding! You should’ve seen the look on your face. JASON You got me. AMBER Toss me your phone. He tosses his phone. She enters her DIGITS. Tosses it back. AMBER (CONT’D) Bye! She closes the door and the car pulls away. Jason stands there- smiling. INT. JASON’S APARTMENT -- DAY Jason, Walter and Robby sit on the couch watching “Friends”. This famous scene plays on the television: Joey, holding a candle: “Because you waited too long to make your move, and now you’re in the friend zone.” Ross: “No no no, I’m not in the zone.” Joey: “No, Ross. You’re Mayor of the Zone” (audience laughter). Walter and Robby crack up. Jason sits there deadpan. ROBBY That’s you, man! JASON No it’s not. Please don’t compare me to Ross. I hate that guy. WALTER Hey Jason, you know how I know you’re gay? JASON How?
WALTER You remind people of David Schwimmer from Friends. JASON You can’t use that joke, that was in 40-Year-Old-Virgin, you moron. A random BEEP BEEP sound is heard. JASON (CONT’D) What the fuck is that? WALTER Oh that’s me. Did I tell you guys, I swallowed a breathalyzer today? ROBBY You swallowed a what? EXT. PARKING LOT -- FLASHBACK Walter, visibly plastered, stands shakily in front of a Ruby Tuesday. A TOUGH looking cop, 40s, holds a LONG, rectangular breathalyzer in front of his face. WALTER Come on, man! I didn’t mean I was drunk off booze. I meant I was drunk off their salad bar! It’s so good! OFFICER Blow gently into the tube for 30 seconds. Walter hesitates for a moment, then begins blowing into the tube section. OFFICER (CONT’D) I’m getting a reading. Suddenly, he uses his mouth to engulf HALF of the device. OFFICER (CONT’D) Hey! What the fuck are you doing?! Device still in his mouth, he CURLS up in a BALL. The officer STRUGGLES to flip him over. Walter makes LOUD gagging noises. OFFICER (CONT’D) You little shit!!!
The officer, using all his STRENGTH, flips him over- the device is GONE. OFFICER (CONT’D) Did you just swallow my breathalyzer?! He nods. INT. JASON’S APARTMENT -- CONTINUOUS Walter stands up- lifts up his shirt. We see a RECTANGULAR protuberance on his belly- it’s flashing RED. JASON What the fuck??!! ROBBY Holy shit!!!!
WALTER Yeah! I ate his evidence so he let me go. JASON You are a ballsy motherfucker! WALTER (sitting down) Yeah, man! Imagine if I had gotten a DUI. They would’ve kicked me out the Academy! JASON How are you gonna get it out? WALTER I read an eHow article on this stuff. It should dissolve within six to ninety-five days. ROBBY You are WILD, bro. WALTER So Jason, are you excited for your date this weekend? JASON Hell yeah I am! She was really pretty, and played along with all my jokes. I like a girl that can trade punches with me. ROBBY Big Tits?
JASON About medium, yeah. ROBBY Nice Ass? JASON I didn’t really get a chance to see, but probably. WALTER Did you call her yet? JASON No. Speaking of, I should probably do that now. WALTER Yeah, do it. Stop being a Ross. He takes out his phone, places the call- then puts the phone to his ear and waits. EXT. SENECA CREEK STATE PARK -- DAY Amber, accompanied by Sarah and a group of friends at the park, all in outdoor attire, answers the phone. AMBER Hello? INTERCUT: JASON Hey, is this Amber? AMBER Yeah, who’s this? The guys try to LISTEN closely. Jason shoos them away. JASON It’s Jason. I met you outside of Pazzo the other night. AMBER Oh yeahh, the hair collector! How’s it going?
JASON Good good. I was just calling to see if you were free this week, maybe we can get together and hang out or something. AMBER Yeah, that could work. Wednesday afternoon would be best for me. JASON Perfect. How about we grab dinner in Little Italy? EXT. PAZZO -- FLASHBACK Jason has a quick flashback to that night in Pazzo, and remembers Ryan’s words of wisdom. RYAN “...They want a man who will value himself as much as he values her.” INT. JASON’S APARTMENT -- CONTINUOUS JASON (thinks) Or actually, there’s this really cool art studio that just opened up. I’ve been meaning to check it out. We can paint our own minisculptures of whatever. AMBER That sounds like a lot of fun, actually. JASON Yeah, it’s called ‘Amazing Art Studio’. Let’s say we meet there... at 4? AMBER I have a paper to finish that day, can we do it at 4:30 instead? JASON You wanna do it at 4:30? I wanted to make some art first, pervert!
AMBER (laughing) Shut up. I’ll see you at 4:30. JASON Awesome. See you then. They hang up. The guys get excited. ROBBY YOU ARE MY HERO, BRO. WALTER You are a slick devil! Where did that line come from, huh? JASON ‘Cause I value myself, motherfuckers! EXT. RIO TOWN CENTER -- DAY Jason, smoothie in hand, strolls along the outdoor area and steps in front of Amazing Art Studio. INT. AMAZING ART STUDIO -- DAY Jason enters the studio. It’s a bright, colorful place filled with wooden tables, paint, and dry sculptures. An elderly lady, ELLEN, name tag, stands behind the counter. ELLEN Hello, welcome to the Amazing Art Studio. JASON Hi, thank you. ELLEN Are you here alone? JASON No, I’m waiting on someone. This is my first time here, so how does this work? ELLEN Well, you and your friend-JASON Date.
ELLEN Excuse me. You and your date will be given a selection of blank miniature sculptures. We’ll provide you with a palette of colors and brushes to choose from. JASON Excellent. ELLEN Would you like to see our selection of sculptures? JASON Sure. ELLEN For the adults, we have our ‘Erotic’ assortment. Influenced by Michaelangelo’s early work. She pulls out two uncolored mini-sculptures of a penis and a vagina. JASON Jesus! ELLEN Couples tend to find this very sensual. Let me show you what others have done. JASON No, that’s okay. I think-ELLEN Now now, you need to embrace other people’s creativity. She takes out a penis sculpture with a light color complexion. ELLEN (CONT’D) This is a white penis. JASON Looks just like mine. She takes out a penis sculpture painted all black. ELLEN This is a black cock.
JASON Oh my God! She takes out a penis sculpture- white at the base, and black on the top. ELLEN This is an interracial cock. Probably what Halle Berry’s penis would look like. JASON Halle Berry doesn’t have a penis! ELLEN She does, she was born a HermaDitey. Says so on Wikipedia. She takes out a penis sculpture- yellow at the base and black on the top. ELLEN (CONT’D) This is a Blasian cock. Half Black and Asian. You might find something similar to this in appearance if you caught Tiger Woods or Ne-Yo naked. JASON Alright, alright. Can you stop showing me dicks? How about we see some vagina sculptures? ELLEN Absolutely. She takes out a vagina sculpture painted pink and covered with yellow and red dots. ELLEN (CONT’D) This is what herpes looks like. All former members of the Mickey Mouse Club now have this. She takes out a vagina sculpture accentuated with blue lines and wrinkles. ELLEN (CONT’D) This is why Ashton left Demi. JASON Okay, I get it. Really amusing. I think this would freak my date out. (MORE)
68. JASON (CONT'D) What normal things do you have here that we can paint?
The door opens, it’s AMBER, sunglasses on head, looking very elegant and dainty. ELLEN Hello, welcome to Amazing Art Studio. Would you like to see what we have on display? Jason turns around. He freezes momentarily- gazing at her in awe. From his POV: Slow motion on her walking in. AMBER Hi, I’d love to. Then he snaps out of it. He quickly turns and tries to push the sculptures under the counter. Ellen stops him. ELLEN What are you doing?! JASON (continues) I don’t want her to see this shit, you old perverted wench! ELLEN (stopping him) Everyone must welcome other people’s artwork! JASON You’re really horny! What are you, a fucking nun or something?! Amber approaches the front desk, gazes at the sculptures. AMBER Interesting. ELLEN Your friend here was interested in seeing our ‘Erotic’ assortment. JASON No I wasn’t! AMBER (amused) Who’s the pervert now, huh? (playful punch on the arm)
JASON Look, can you just show us what else you have to paint with, that doesn’t have to do with herpes or Demi Moore? ELLEN We have Dragon sculptures, and-JASON (without hesitation) We’ll take it. INT. AMAZING ART STUDIO -- CONTINUOUS Jason and Amber sit at a table, painting their dragons. AMBER I guess this beats painting private parts. (sarcastic) Just by a little bit, though. JASON I don’t think I would’ve have painted mine. They would’ve been albino. AMBER I would’ve. I’d want mine to have a little pizazz. JASON Of course you would. AMBER So do you like what you do, being a lawyer? JASON Well, it’s a means to make a living. But do I actually enjoy it? I don’t know about that. AMBER Why’d you get into it then? JASON I figured it was the safe thing to do. I actually really wanted to be an actor growing up. I used to watch a lot of Michael Cera movies.
AMBER Really? I can’t picture you as an actor. JASON Well thanks. AMBER I guess I can see you doing romantic comedies, you have a bit of an endearing side to you. But as far as serious movies go, eh... JASON (smiles) Well I’m glad you’re already noticing my awesome qualities. And I just so happen to love rom-coms, thank you very much. AMBER I had a hunch you weren’t completely straight. JASON What’s with the ball-busting? AMBER I’ll stop it if you can’t take it. JASON I would actually appreciate it if you did. Because you’re kind of rude and I feel like I’m on a date with one of the stars of ‘Basketball Wives’. AMBER (jaw drops) Okay, well in that case I’ll stop. JASON I’m messing with you. I actually enjoy it, having my balls slapped around a little. AMBER Balls? What balls? JASON (laughs) These two twin cannons the size of moon craters resting in my pants right now.
AMBER Moon craters are actually barren. Are you saying you don’t have any substance floating around down there? I’d like kids some day you know. JASON I don’t even have a response to that comeback. AMBER Ha ha, sucker! JASON So do you like what you do? AMBER Yeah, I love it. I just wrote a paper on Vlad the Impaler. He did some really twisted, messed up shit to his victims back in the day. JASON Who would win in a fight, Vlad the Impaler or the Zodiac Killer? AMBER Vlad, hands down. The Zodiac Killer didn’t even have the guts to show his face. JASON I feel like Vlad The Impaler would be a perfect porn star name. AMBER Yeah, I’m surprised no one’s claimed it yet. Oh, and did you know most serial killers have above average intelligence? Smart people tend to be introspective, which leads to depression and murderous behavior. JASON I’m an introspective person. I think a lot. AMBER Yeah, that’s why I got the whole serial killer vibe from you when we met.
JASON Oh yeah? If I’m a serial killer then why are you hanging out with me? AMBER They tend to be charming people. A girl can’t help it. Jason smiles, and they stare at eachother’s eyes in a gaze. AMBER (CONT’D) Oh by the way, my dragon’s turning out way better than yours! JASON What, no way. He shows her his dragon- it’s a LIGHT SHADE of blue with orange horns, and a “J” EMBLEM on its yellow belly. JASON (CONT’D) Boo-yah! AMBER Pshhh. That’s lame. Check mine out. She shows him her dragon- it’s TURQUOISE with yellow horns, bubble-gum colored wings, and a bubble-gum colored BELLY BUTTON. AMBER (CONT’D) Oh yeah! JASON Yours has a freaking belly button. That’s not anatomically correct. AMBER Yours has a giant J on its stomach! An employee, FRANK, 50s, name tag, walks by. JASON Hey, can I get your honest opinion on something? Which dragon do you like better? FRANK (observing, thinking) Hmmmmm. AMBER Mine!
FRANK I like hers better. JASON You’re just saying that ‘cause she’s a girl. And attractive. FRANK No, I really like the belly button, actually. And the colors are nice. But yes, she is attractive. JASON Dragons don’t have belly buttons! They were born in eggs. AMBER Ha! In your face! Told you mine was cuter. JASON Alright, Frank. Thanks for your unbiased opinion. Frank walks off. JASON (CONT’D) You wanna get out of here and go for a walk? AMBER Sure. EXT. LAKE, RIO TOWN CENTER -- DAY Jason and Amber, bags in hand from the art studio, walk along a wooden bridge overlooking a lake equipped with minifountains spurting out water. The sun begins to set. JASON Do you ever think about going back to your country... Sweden? AMBER Switzerland. No. JASON Why not? I mean you spent your whole life there.
AMBER I came here to escape. Mostly to get an education, make something of myself. But also to get away. JASON Get away? AMBER It’s a long story. JASON Well, we have some time... They stop and stand against the bridge. AMBER I had just broken up with my boyfriend at the end of Undergrad. It was a pretty serious relationship... he meant everything to me. Slowly, over time, he started to become abusive. It was always verbally, never physically. But I wasn’t prepared to take that chance. I saw what my mom had to go through with my dad and didn’t want that to happen to me. (beat) He was an amazing guy with the only imperfection in the world I couldn’t deal with. JASON Must’ve been hard on you. AMBER It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I still miss him. JASON Well if it makes you feel any better, my last girlfriend dumped me on our anniversary for her ex, who just so happens to be the world’s biggest a-hole. AMBER Oh, I’m sorry. How long were you guys together? JASON Two months. It was my longest relationship.
AMBER Really? JASON Yeah, as charming as I seem, I’m actually not good with girls. AMBER (chuckles) That’s hard to believe. Well your honesty is certainly refreshing. JASON I also googled ‘Great First Date Locations in Maryland’ a few weeks ago in case I ever met someone new. Amazing Art Studio was like number four on the list. AMBER (laughs) You’re a loser. JASON Sometimes. From a distance, MIRANDA- shopping bags in hand, heads towards the BRIDGE. She SPOTS the pair. Curious, she quickly stops and hides behind a tree, WATCHING. MIRANDA (to herself) Who the fuck is that? JASON My second longest relationship only lasted two weeks. Her name was Erica... nice girl. But she used to be constipated a lot, and she used to kiss like a goldfish. He makes a PUFFY face and opens his mouth in an ‘O’ shape while he playfully leans closer to Amber’s face. She giggles and puts her hands on his chest. JASON (CONT’D) It felt like I was making out with Nemo. She laughs and they stare into eachother’s eyes again.
AMBER Anyway, it’s late. I should probably get going. Walk me to my car? JASON (extending arm out) Let’s go. The duo, arm in arm, walk the opposite direction. Miranda, clearly a little jealous, looks on in curiosity. INT. PARKING GARAGE -- NIGHT Jason walks Amber to her car. AMBER So today was fun! I had a nice time. JASON Me too. EXT. MIRANDA’S HOUSE -- FLASHBACK Jason is imagining the night of the breakup all over again. MIRANDA I had an amazing time tonight. JASON Me too. QUICK CUTS of him leaning in to kiss her without success and her echoing these words: “Let’s just be friends”. INT. PARKING GARAGE -- CONTINUOUS Amber waits expectantly for a kiss. Jason hugs her instead. JASON Be safe! My dragon still rocks. AMBER (disappointed) Take care. She gets in the car and drives off.
INT. DEREK’S HOUSE -- DAY Derek is playing a BOXING game on the Nintendo Wii. Controller in hand and headset on, he punches the air like a complete tool. Miranda watches from the couch. DEREK (punching) Come on! You can’t escape me, fool! He knocks out his digital opponent, a Zebra’s head on a man’s body. DEREK (CONT’D) YEAH! GET SOME! You see that baby? I fucking rule. MIRANDA (aloof) Good job. KID ON HEADSET (O.S.) This is my first time playing, you dick. DEREK Yeah? And I just whooped your fucking ass, little boy! He SLAMS his headset down. DEREK (CONT’D) Can’t touch me, bitch! MIRANDA Derek, come sit with me honey. DEREK Not now babe, I’m not done celebrating. MIRANDA I’m serious. He sits down- out of breath. DEREK What’s up? MIRANDA I was thinking, we should go out for dinner tonight.
DEREK Let’s do it. Taco Bell just released their Pringles Sour Cream N’ Onion taco for a buck thirty nine, looks fucking delicious. MIRANDA Actually... I was thinking we could go somewhere quieter. How about Little Italy? They have nice restaurants you might like. DEREK Better than Taco Bell? MIRANDA (nodding) Mhmm. DEREK If you’re in the mood for Italian, why don’t we just stay in? I still have containers of my mom’s spaghetti from Easter. MIRANDA Your mom’s spaghetti is great, Derek. But have you had canoli? DEREK No. MIRANDA It’s like a twinkie filled with yummy custard, you’ll love it! DEREK I don’t have much money right now. I’m savin’ up for the Scramble with Friends app. MIRANDA Oh, it’s okay. I’ll treat you this time. Or once more... DEREK Maybe babe, I just ate some Hot Pockets. I’ll see if I’m hungry later. Miranda sighs, sits back in frustration.
INT. LIBRARY -- NIGHT Amber is with her classmates, Sarah and MILTON, nerdy, whimsical black kid. They sit at a table with laptops. AMBER I really liked him. He has a very odd and quirky personality... but I feel like it meshes well with mine. SARAH He definitely seemed very cute from what I saw. AMBER Yeah, but looks aside, it’s like we had good chemistry you know? We clicked. MILTON Did you put out for him? AMBER What? No! Not on the first date. MILTON Are you going to? AMBER I don’t know! SARAH Milton, you should find a girlfriend. MILTON I don’t like black girls. SARAH Who says you have to date within your own race? MILTON My grandma. She says if I don’t bring a black woman home, she’ll Kentucky fry filet my ass. AMBER There’s one thing I’m worried about though. SARAH What’s that?
AMBER I was kinda hoping for him to kiss me at the end of the night. He didn’t. SARAH Some guys are shy, Amber. Give him some time. AMBER I guess, but I mean I literally gave him an alley-oop. What if he never makes a move? Or does it too late? I’ll lose that ‘feeling’ for him. SARAH Don’t worry. If it’s meant to be it’ll work out. AMBER I guess. Her phone vibrates. It’s a text from Jason: “Karaoke @ Hana Zen this weekend?” AMBER (CONT’D) He wants to do karaoke. SARAH Ooo, karaoke. He’s eccentric, I like that. MILTON Of course you like Karaoke, Sarah. You’re Asian! You guys love Karaoke as much as you hate parallel parking. SARAH What the fuck? AMBER I think I’ll take him up on this. SARAH Yay! AMBER When should I text him back? SARAH What time is it?
AMBER 7:12 P.M. SARAH Text him at 9:30. Make him sweat a little. AMBER Good call. MILTON Nah, text him now. You fucking girls play too many games. AMBER No. I don’t wanna seem needy. MILTON Needy? Y’all are biologically needy by nature. You women NEED our sperm. AMBER No we don’t. MILTON Always compainin’ about BIOLOGICAL CLOCKS and shit! ‘OOOH, my biological clock is ticking! I need to find a man, have kids!’ Men don’t have that problem, we get better looking as we age AND can keep fucking without consequences. SARAH Milton, calm down! We’re in a library. MILTON (standing up, boisterous) Face it. As women get older, your biological clock keeps tickin’. As men get older, the PENDULUMS OF OUR MOTHERFUCKIN’ GRANDFATHER CLOCKS CONTINUE SWINGIN!’. The students in the library stare at him in astonishment. AMBER I’m gonna text him at eleven.
INT. BREWER’S ART -- NIGHT Jason and the friends gather around the bar. JASON (holding phone) Why the fuck did you text her to meet up for karaoke, Robby?! You know I can’t sing. ROBBY I figured I help you out, bro. You must appreciate my efforts! JASON You asked to borrow my phone so you could look up stocks for Dunder Mifflin. ZACK Yo, Dunder Mifflin is from ‘The Office’, dog. It’s not a real company. JASON Great. And I fell for it. MARIA Hold on a second, Jason. Karaoke’s not a bad idea. If I were in her shoes, I’d think ‘Hmm. This guy isn’t afraid to put himself out there.’ JASON But it’s already almost eleven and she hasn’t texted back yet! WALTER Relax, man. No girl of any value is gonna respond to you right away. She’s keeping you on your toes. JASON You think so? WALTER Yeah! She’ll agree to it. Trust me. ROBBY See. I know how game is played, too. (MORE)
83. ROBBY (CONT'D) One time I did not call girl back for WHOLE WEEK, she show up at my house on Sunday and demand anal sex!
INT. ROBBY’S APARTMENT -- FLASHBACK Robby’s relaxing on his couch. The DOOR swings open, it’s a TALL, BEAUTIFUL Indian girl. INDIAN GIRL ROBBY! You never called me back. ROBBY (calm, suave) Please excuse my rudeness, girl. I am busy man lately. INDIAN GIRL I want you to fuck me in the ass! ROBBY You must first go home and wash the poopshoot. And if you ate INDIAN CUISINE today, we must wait ONE WEEK before such activity. INDIAN GIRL I had Palak Paneer for lunch. ROBBY TWO WEEKS! INT. BREWER’S ART -- CONTINUOUS ZACK Yeah, yo. You need to take a chill pill, man. JASON You’re right. I’m sorry for overreacting, Robby. It’s just that I’m a little nervous about not kissing her at the end of the night. ZACK Pussy, motherfucking pussy.
JASON What the fuck? Do you ever have anything to say of your own instead of bandwagoning off everyone else’s comments? MARIA Well why didn’t you kiss her? JASON I choked. I kept replaying the thought of Miranda rejecting me in my head. WALTER Don’t wait too long to make your move. You don’t want to end up in the friend zone again. JASON (to bartender) Dirty martini, please. MARIA Some girls like the tension, Jason. Remember the elevator scene in ‘Top Gun’ when Tom Cruise didn’t kiss Charlie? Every guy thought ‘Oh, what a sissy! Didn’t make his move’. But every girl knew exactly what he was doing. JASON Maria, you are a goddamn scholar. MARIA I know. ROBBY You are Tom Cruise, except not gay! Finally, Jason receives a text message. It’s from Amber: “Sure. Bring your A-game!” JASON She said yes! The friends CHEER for him. JASON (CONT’D) (hugging Robby) I love you, man.
INT. BREWER’S ART -- CONTINUOUS QUICK SHOTS of the friends doing SHOTS, laughing, and dancing the night away to LMFAO’s ‘Party Rock Anthem’. Robby lifts up Walter’s shirt- breathalyzer BULGE still intact. He inhales, exhales. A red, digital ‘0.26’ can be seen through his skin. The friends CHEER again. INT. JASON’S OFFICE, K&L GATES LLP -- DAY Jason is hard at work at his desk. His co-worker, MARCY, stops by his door. MARCY Jason, there’s a Jambalaya party outside, dear. JASON Oh, no thanks. I’ll pass. I have to sing tonight, spicy food would be bad for my vocals. MARCY Fag. JASON What? MARCY Oh, nothing... I was just rudely verbalizing how I felt about you. I’ll continue on now. She walks off. He resumes work. RING RING. He looks at his office phone’s caller ID- it’s MIRANDA COTTER. He answers on speaker. JASON Hello? INT. MALL -- DAY Miranda sits outside Kay Jeweler’s in her work clothes. MIRANDA (enthusiastic) Heyyy! INTERCUT:
JASON Hey Miranda. What’s up? MIRANDA Oh nothin’. I’m on lunch break right now so I figured I’d give you a ring. See how you’re doin’. JASON That’s not like you. MIRANDA I know, I just wanted to hear your voice. Jason looks very suspicious. MIRANDA (CONT’D) Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to hang out tonight? We could grab a bite to eat or something. JASON Oh, that sounds lovely. But I’m actually kind of occupied tonight. MIRANDA Well if you have other plans, maybe you could swing by for a bit? I can make that Mac N’ Cheese dish you love so much. JASON I can’t. I’m going out to Karaoke. MIRANDA Karaoke? Where? JASON Hana Zen. MIRANDA With who? JASON A friend. MIRANDA Is it a date?
JASON What’s with all the questions? Listen, I’m swamped at work. I’ll call you later. MIRANDA Jason, wait. JASON What? MIRANDA Maybe I was wrong about things... JASON What are you talking about? MIRANDA I dunno, maybe I underestimated my feelings for you. You are a good guy, after all. And I was going through a rough patch after breaking up with Derek. JASON I gotta go. He hangs up. Miranda, very PISSED, storms back to work. Before she heads in- a teenage boy stops her. TEENAGER Excuse me, I’m looking for a necklace for my girlfriend, what do you recommend? MIRANDA I recommend you go to Jared’s Galleria, you LITTLE TWAT! EXT. PAZZO -- NIGHT Ryan, looking as sharp as ever in a black blazer and checkered BURBERRY shirt, approaches the front of his club. Marcel and another giant bouncer guard the entrance. RYAN (to Marcel) I’m expecting Jason here again. Go easy on the kid tonight, okay? MARCEL You got it.
RYAN (to other bouncer) You, first night right? BOUNCER Yup. RYAN Starting at nine, you tell every guest that we’re at full capacity no matter what. And that we can only let one person in for every five people out. BOUNCER No problem. INT. PAZZO -- CONTINUOUS Ryan enters his PRIVATE OFFICE- a chic room with large windows and red MAHOGANY paneling. He pours a glass of vodka, sits down. Flips his laptop open and logs onto Facebook. He visits KRISTIN MARSH’S page, staring with longing in his eyes. Her recent status update reads ‘Lovin the Florida weather :)’. He opens up iTunes, clicks on a playlist entitled ‘Guilty Pleasure Tunes’ and selects ‘The One That Got Away’ by Katy Perry. The song plays for a moment. INT. HANA ZEN -- NIGHT This is very nice, ENERGETIC bar with flashy JAPANESE decor. Jason sifts through the crowd in search of Amber. A VERY foreign Asian girl with glasses is on the karaoke stage performing “The Motto” by Drake/Lil Wayne. ASIAN GIRL (heavy accent) I tongue kiss her other tongue. Skeet skeet skeet. Water gun. Oh. My. God. Becky. Look at her butt! Now she want a photo, you already know though. You only live once that’s the motto nigga yolo. And we bout it erryday erryday erryday. Jason continues walking, bumping into people every couple of steps. He finally reaches the bar.
JASON (to bartender) I’ll take a Mai Tai, please. BARTENDER You got it. Jason looks over to his right- it’s AMBER talking to a very attractive man. AMBER Forensics is actually really fascinating. Those guys know what they’re doing. They can pretty much always figure out the exact distance a bullet was fired into the body. ATTRACTIVE MAN Hmm, interesting. (sipping drink) Jason looks very uncomfortable and WORRIED, unsure of whether to say something or not. ATTRACTIVE MAN (CONT’D) So, how about we go hit the dance floor? AMBER Oh... I would but I have a boyfriend. He should be here any second now. I’m sorry! ATTRACTIVE MAN Bitch. The guy rudely walks off. Now Jason turns to Amber. JASON Boyfriend, huh? AMBER Oh hey! (hugging him) No, you’re not that special yet. JASON I deserve hero status tonight. I had to dodge like fifty Yakuza members to get to you.
AMBER I had to endure Asian Nicki Minaj up there for the last three songs. SHOT of the girl rapping on stage again. ASIAN GIRL They be like Smoove. What? Can you teach me how to dougie? You know why? ‘Cause all the bitches love me. JASON I think she’s better than Nicki Minaj. At least it doesn’t sound like she’s having a brain aneurysm. (imitating) I just want you to be my doctah or my crackin’ chiropractah. AYE AYE AYE AYE AYE AYE AYE AYE! AMBER (cracking up) Very good. The bartender sets down his Mai Tai. BARTENDER Here’s you drink, sir. JASON Oh, thank you. AMBER A Mai Tai? Now I’m really starting to question your sexuality. JASON Chill out. I’m as straight as Charlie Sheen. (sipping) The ANNOUNCER, male, mid 20s, takes the microphone. ANNOUNCER Hello everyone. And welcome to Hana Zen! The crowd CHEERS drunkenly.
ANNOUNCER (CONT’D) We regret to inform you that your scheduled host, Kane, from Hot 99.5 won’t be showing up for his appearance tonight. He was fired today for not being very funny. The crowd GROANS. ANNOUNCER (CONT’D) But in his place, please give a warm welcome for Baltimore’s own... DJ BAKIN BITZ! The crowd CHEERS again. DJ BAKIN BITZ, T-shirt with his name, comes on stage. DJ BAKIN BITZ Wassap Baltimoreeeeeee! The crowd goes nuts. DJ BAKIN BITZ (CONT’D) We will be starting the night off with a COUPLES challenge! All couples in the house come on stage and pick your songs. AMBER Ooo, let’s do this! JASON What? But we’re not-AMBER Who cares? Stop being such a wuss. Come on. She takes his hand, they come on stage. DJ BAKIN BITZ Alright, the first brave souls! Who might we have here? He points the microphone in Jason’s face. JASON Jason. Now he points the mic in Amber’s face. AMBER Amber.
DJ BAKIN BITZ Alright, everyone give it up for Jason and Amber in the building! The crowd ROARS. He hands them a list of songs. DJ BAKIN BITZ (CONT’D) The theme here is ‘Throwback Music’. Pick any song on the list. AMBER (looking over list) Throwback Music? I wasn’t born here, I don’t know any of these songs. JASON Relax, we got this. DJ BAKIN BITZ Any other brave couples out there besides Jason and Amber? MIRANDA, walking through the CROWD with DEREK in hand, waves her arm. MIRANDA Us! JASON (shocked) This can’t be happening right now. AMBER What? JASON That’s my ex. AMBER Are you serious? Amber and Derek walk on stage. DJ BAKIN BITZ Okay, okay! Another sexy couple. Who might you guys be? He points the mic in Derek’s face. DEREK Derek. Now in Miranda’s face.
MIRANDA Miranda Cotter! And I’m ready to kick some ass! The crowd CHEERS. DJ BAKIN BITZ Derek and Miranda! Lovin’ the swagger there. Here’s your list of songs to choose from. The theme is Throwback. He hands Miranda the list. JASON What the hell are you doing here? Why’d you follow me? MIRANDA I didn’t. You mentioned Karaoke so we wanted to do it too. Got a problem? DEREK I didn’t want to fucking come here. She slaps him on the arm. MIRANDA Shut up! Yes you did. Amber steps up to Miranda. AMBER Hi, I’m Amber. It’s nice to meet you. MIRANDA (fake) Heyyyy. Miranda. (shakes her hand) It’s so strange that we’re all here on stage together. I used to go out with Jason by the way. AMBER Oh yeah? MIRANDA Yeah, he’s a really great guy. AMBER And great guys always discover great girls.
Amber grins. The pun doesn’t settle well with Miranda. AMBER (CONT’D) (to Derek) Hi. DEREK Sup? He stares just a little too long. Miranda slaps him again. Amber walks back to Jason. AMBER She left you for that guy? He looks like Taylor Lautner’s ballsack. JASON Listen, we can get out of here and go somewhere else if you’d like. AMBER Oh no, shit just hit the fan. JASON (smiles) You are fucking awesome. Okay, I know what song we’re doing. AMBER What? JASON You’ll see. He writes down their selection, hands the list to the DJ. Miranda scampers right beside Jason, hands her list to the DJ. MIRANDA Can we go first? DJ BAKIN BITZ You got it. He hands Miranda and Derek mics. The lights dim. Everyone waits expectantly- THEN ‘Bye Bye Bye’ by N’Sync drops. Miranda rocks back and forth to the opening while Derek stands there STIFF and bored. Jason looks at Amber. JASON Backstreet Boys? This is pathetic already.
AMBER Give them a shot. The verse hits and Miranda is a little too into it. MIRANDA (looking directly at Jason) I’m doin’ this tonight. You’re probably gonna start a fight. I know this can’t be right, hey baby come on... I loved you endlessly, when you weren’t there for me. So, now it’s time to leave and make it aloneee... She gets right in FRONT of Jason’s face. MIRANDA (CONT’D) I know that I can’t take no more. It ain’t no lieee. I wanna see you out that door, baby BYE BYE BYE. BYE BYE. He looks at her like she’s crazy. Amber tries to not laugh. MIRANDA (CONT’D) Don’t wanna be a fool for you. Just another player in your game for two. You may hate me but it ain’t no lie, baby BYE BYE BYE. BYE BYE. She walks back to Derek. DEREK (reading lyrics, monotone) Just hit me with the truth... Girl you’re more than welcome to... So give me one more reason to... Baby come on? MIRANDA Ugh, you suck! DEREK Fuck this ‘Cara-Oh-Kay’ bullshit. He slams his microphone down, walks off stage. MIRANDA What are you doing?! DEREK Crazy bitch.
He walks off. Jason and Amber snicker together. The music cuts off, lights come on while Miranda stands there FUMING. DJ BAKIN BITZ (weirded out) Derek and Miranda everyone? The crowd lets out a half-assed cheer. DJ BAKIN BITZ (CONT’D) Okay, let’s try to top that masterpiece. (to Jason and Amber) Guys ready? JASON Hold on. He turns to Amber. JASON (CONT’D) Let’s improvise this a little. He begins whispering in her ear. Miranda stares at them in a jealous rage. JASON (CONT’D) (turning back to DJ) We’re good! The lights dim again. ‘Hey Leonardo’ by Blessed Union of Souls comes on. JASON (CONT’D) She don’t care about my car. She don’t care about my money. And that’s real good ‘cause I don’t got alot to spend... He mouths ‘not true’. The crowd laughs. JASON (CONT’D) But if I did it wouldn’t mean nothin’... She likes me for ME! Not because I look like Tyson Bedford, with the charm of Robert Redford, oozing out my ears. But what she sees, are my faults and indecisions. My insecure conditions. And the tears upon the pillow that I shed.
AMBER I don’t care about his big screen. Or his collection of DVDs. Things like that just never mattered much to me. Plus I don’t watch too much T.V. The crowd is really enjoying the performance, and amused by Amber’s tweaking the verse to the first person perspective. AMBER (CONT’D) And I don’t care that he can fly me. To places I ain’t never been. But if I really want to go, I think deep down he knows that, all I have to say is when. Jason and Amber make eye contact now, almost face-to-face. JASON She likes me for me. Not because I hang with Leonardo. Or that guy who played in Fargo, I think his name is Steve. She’s the one for me. And I just can’t live without her. My arms belong around her. And I’m so glad I found her once again. JASON (CONT’D) And I’m so glad I found her once again. Yeah I’m so glad I found her once again. Gazing at the ceiling as we entertain our feelings in the dark. The things that we’re afraid of are gonna show us what we’re made of in the end! AMBER And I’m so glad I found him once again. Yeah I’m so glad I found him once again. Gazing at the ceiling as we entertain our feelings in the dark. The things that we’re afraid of are gonna show us what we’re made of in the end!
As the song’s bridge plays, THEY KISS for the first time. DJ BAKIN BITZ EVERYONE GIVE IT UP ONCE MORE FOR JASON AND AMBER! A chorus of RAUCOUS drunk cheering is heard as they continue kissing. Miranda, disgusted, STORMS off. INT. JASON’S APARTMENT -- NIGHT They enter Jason’s apartment- DRUNK and making out.
AMBER That was so much fun. JASON It was. AMBER Way to call the shots tonight. JASON What can I say, that’s how I roll. AMBER Don’t get cocky now. They continue kissing- stumbling through his bedroom onto the bed. AMBER (CONT’D) You know... I was really starting to doubt you. Not anymore. JASON During this short period of time, I feel like I’ve known you my whole life. We get along so well. AMBER Let’s not ruin the moment with overly romantic bullshit. JASON Deal. They undress eachother and begin having sex. From his DESK, Jason’s LAPTOP rings loudly. ANGLE ON: It’s MIRANDA calling from Skype. Amber takes a PLUSH toy from the dresser next to his bed and THROWS it at the computer. AMBER Shut up! JASON (laughing) You’re drunk. The CALL gets answered. Miranda is on VIDEOCHAT. MIRANDA (squinting) What the... Oh My God! Jason, what are you doing to her?! GET OFF OF THAT SLUT!
STARTLED, Jason looks at the screen- looks back at Amber. JASON Holy shit! Oh no. I think you picked up the call. AMBER (cupping her mouth, gasping) Should we stop? JASON (smiles) No. They continue. Jason flicks her off- Miranda GASPS. JASON (CONT’D) (yelling) SHE FEELS BETTER THAN YOU! AMBER (joining in) HE FEELS SO GOOD! JASON HER VAGINA FEELS DIFFERENT FROM YOURS. YOU WANNA KNOW HOW? MIRANDA How?! JASON HERS HAS A BETTER GRIP. YOURS WAS LOOSER! AND IT’S PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU SLEEP WITH MORE GUYS THAN SOCIETY DEEMS DELIGHTFUL! AMBER LOOSEY GOOSEY! JASON IN THIS MOMENT OF UNPARALLELED HEDONISM... MY PENIS FEELS ENORMOUS! AMBER Let’s not get carried away now... JASON Sorry. Derek appears next to Miranda on the videoscreen.
DEREK (amused) Whoa! Miranda slaps and pushes him away. MIRANDA Fuck off, you idiot! (to Amber and Jason) You two fucking disgust me! Stop having sex! Just stop it! They ignore her and keep it up, moaning loudly to IRK her. EXT. PAZZO -- NIGHT It’s the end of the night. Ryan and Marcel stand outside. MARCEL Your boy was M.I.A. tonight. RYAN Yeah. Long beat. MARCEL Think he gave up? RYAN No. I think he learned. Ryan smiles a knowing smile. FADE TO BLACK: CHYRON UP: TWO MONTHS LATER EXT. MONTGOMERY COUNTY COMMUNITY COLLEGE -- DAY A GRADUATION ceremony is being held for the Montgomery County Police Academy. Dozens of graduates gather outside in UNIFORM. Jason, Robby, Zack, and Maria mingle. WALTER, newly graduated, plate of donuts in hand, approaches them. WALTER Hey guys! They all greet and hug him.
JASON We’re proud of you, buddy. ROBBY Great. My good friend Walter can now harrass brown people like me. WALTER I don’t discriminate, Robby. Jason is getting a call- it’s Amber. He picks up. JASON Hey babe. EXT. PARK -- DAY Amber sits outside on a park bench. AMBER Hey you! INTERCUT: JASON What’s up? AMBER Oh nothin’, just enjoying the weather. Listen, there’s something we need to talk about. Let’s meet for dinner around six? I’ll text you the spot later. JASON Something to talk about? AMBER Yeah. JASON Can you be more specific? AMBER Not right now. We’ll talk when I see you, okay? JASON Okay. AMBER Bye.
They hang up. Jason looks very concerned. JASON She says we need to talk. ZACK Oh shit, she’s gonna give yo ass the boot. JASON This can’t be happening again! Things were going so well. AND it’s our anniversary. MARIA Don’t worry, Jason. It might not have anything to do with you. He looks on very anxiously. EXT. ACAPELLA -- NIGHT Jason, NERVOUS, stands outside the front of the restaurant. He holds a bouquet of roses in one hand and a gift bag in another. After taking a deep breath, he enters. INT. ACAPELLA -- NIGHT This is a fancy, romantic restaurant. The hostess greets him. HOSTESS Greetings, sir. Welcome to Acapella. JASON Hi, thank you. HOSTESS Are you Mr. Stoler? JASON Yes, how did you know? HOSTESS Ms. Larson, who put down your names for the reservation, warned us to expect a man looking like shit. JASON Excuse me?
HOSTESS Oh, not because you’re bad-looking or anything. Because you’d be nervous. JASON Oh ok. I see. HOSTESS Please follow me. The hostess grabs a menu and leads him to their table. AMBER, looking stunning, is already seated. She flashes a smile. AMBER Hi. JASON Hey. The hostess sets the menu down. HOSTESS Enjoy. She leaves. Jason is still standing with the flowers and bag. JASON Listen, if you’re about to break up with me. Just make it quick. I’ve already been broken up with on a two-month anniversary. She gets up, walks to him and KISSES him. AMBER I love you. JASON (surprised) I love you, too. AMBER That’s what I wanted to talk about. After my last boyfriend, I was convinced I’d never love anyone again. But you came and changed that. JASON That means a lot to me. He hands her the roses.
JASON (CONT’D) Happy anniversary. She holds the roses, grinning from ear to ear. AMBER They’re gorgeous. He reaches in the bag and pulls out a box of ‘Lödahus Chokladkultur’, Swiss Chocolates. AMBER (CONT’D) Oh my God! JASON Chocolates from your country. I had to order these online. AMBER My grandma used to buy these for me when I was a little girl. They’re so good. He takes out a heart-diamond NECKLACE from the bag embroidered with “J & A”. She sees it and gets excited. JASON Turn around. She turns around, he places the necklace on. She faces him. AMBER Oh my God, this is amazing. JASON You deserve it. AMBER Oh noo. Now I feel bad... JASON Why? AMBER Well... She reaches under her chair- takes out a small green gift bag with tissue paper stuffed in, and pulls out a CD: ‘Grauzone’s Greatest Hits’- polar bear illustration on the cover. AMBER (CONT’D) (handing him CD) Happy Anniversary?
JASON (disappointed) Oh, awesome. Who’s (attempting to pronounce) Grauzone? AMBER They’re this really popular Swiss New Wave band from the 80’s. Their music’s really good... at least I think so. JASON Can’t wait to listen to it... AMBER Shit, you look like a kid getting a sweater on Christmas morning. I’m really sorry, I’ve always sucked with gifts! He tries his best to feign enthusiasm. JASON Oh, no... Not at all. This is great. I love scoping out new music. Especially the international kind. AMBER I’ll totally make it up to you tonight. We’ll do whatever you want. JASON Actually, that sounds fair. She smiles, they sit down. INT. JASON’S APARTMENT -- DAY It’s the morning after. Jason walks Amber to the door. AMBER I’ll see ya after class, k? JASON I can’t wait. She gives him a quick kiss. AMBER Love you.
JASON Love you, too. Jason, content, plops on his couch and flips on the TV. He picks up a PBJ sandwich and starts munching. Moments later, someone knocks on the door. Jason opens, it’s MIRANDA with a gruesome BLACK EYE and a bloody, battered FACE. She’s crying. JASON (CONT’D) Miranda. Oh Jesus.. Your face... What happened? Are you okay? MIRANDA (sobbing) No. JASON Come in. He closes the door, takes her to the couch. JASON (CONT’D) What happened? MIRANDA I walked in on Derek cheating on me. He’s been fucking some whore named Rachel behind my back this entire time... I tried to end it with him right then and there. (beat) He wasn’t having it, so he started beating me. I begged him to stop but he wouldn’t... Jason angrily buries his face into his HANDS. JASON That piece of shit... Stay right here, let me get you some ice. He tries to get up- she sits him back down. MIRANDA Wait. JASON What? She looks at him, then slowly moves closer. MIRANDA You said you wouldn’t let him hurt me again, Jason. You promised...
JASON Miranda, that was-She interrupts him with a KISS. Jason, caught off guard, goes along with it. The door opens, it’s AMBER. AMBER Forgot my eyeliner. She sees them kissing, freezes. Jason notices and stops. JASON (flustered) Amber... it’s not what you think. AMBER Keep it. Weirdly calm, she leaves and closes the door. EXT. CORRIDOR -- CONTINUOUS Amber’s eyes begin welling up with tears as she walks. From behind, Jason runs after her. JASON AMBER! WAIT! She ignores him. He catches up and turns her around. AMBER DON’T YOU EVER FUCKING TOUCH ME AGAIN! JASON Listen... please just hear me out... I know what it looks like... But she came in there with a fucking busted-up face for God’s sake! I was only gonna help her ice it but all of a sudden she starts kissing me! I got lost in the moment, sure, but I was gonna stop it I swear. She stands in front of him crying. This kills him. JASON (CONT’D) (tearing up) I never meant to hurt you. I love you so much. Not her.
AMBER (softly) You complain about asshole exboyfriends. Well you know what’s funny about that? You just became the asshole ex-boyfriend. You’re that jerk I used to date. JASON Amber, please-AMBER I don’t ever wanna see your face again. We’re done. I mean it. She walks away. Jason stands heartbroken and remorseful. INT. JASON’S APARTMENT -- CONTINUOUS Jason, teary-eyed, enters. Miranda sits on the couch. MIRANDA I’m really sorry about everything. JASON It’s not your fault. It’s mine. Beat. JASON (CONT’D) Here, let me get that ice for you. MIRANDA No, it’s okay. I should leave. JASON Are you sure? MIRANDA Yeah. JASON Well please go to the hospital or something. MIRANDA I will. She gets up. Jason looks like a train wreck. MIRANDA (CONT’D) You look like you really love her.
JASON I do. She gives him a long look of sympathy, then leaves. INT. MARIA’S APARTMENT -- DAY Jason sits with Walter and Maria in the living room. JASON I fucked up... I really fucked this one up. MARIA Have you reached out to her? JASON Many times. She won’t answer anything. WALTER Don’t worry, man. There’s plenty of fish in the sea. JASON I don’t give a shit about the other fish in the sea. I want her. MARIA Jason. When you break a girl’s trust like that, it’s almost impossible to bring it back. She’ll never be the same again. I’d like to sit here and sugarcoat everything for you... but I can’t. You were wrong in this situation. JASON I deserve to die right now. MARIA No... you don’t deserve to die. But you need to pick yourself up. If she doesn’t want you back right now, then there’s nothing you can do. Don’t force it, you’ll just make things worse. JASON There’s one thing I do want to do right now, and I need your guys’ help.
MARIA What’s that? EXT. DEREK’S HOUSE -- NIGHT Derek walks to his motorcycle, puts his helmet on, drives off. The LIGHTS of an all-white VAN turn on. It begins to follow him. INT. VAN -- NIGHT Jason, driving, is accompanied by his friends. ROBBY This is like an ACTION MOVIE bro! I have not been this excited since attempting Kama Sutra in first grade in India. ZACK Let’s kill this son of a bitch. JASON We’re not killing anyone. I just want to give him a taste of his own medicine. EXT. ROAD -- CONTINUOUS The Van pulls up beside him in motion- side door SLIDES OPEN. Walter SNATCHES Derek into the van. ANGLE ON: The bike falls on the road. An SUV runs it over and SMASHES it into pieces. INT. VAN -- CONTINUOUS Walter pins Derek down and HANDCUFFS him. DEREK HEY! WHAT THE FUCK?! WALTER You’re under arrest, motherfucker! Walter removes his helmet. DEREK You guys?!
JASON (turning head around) Yeah, it’s US. Surprised? Good, you should be. Maybe if you weren’t a woman-beater you wouldn’t be in this situation. Guys, knock this piece of shit out. Robby BEARHUGS Derek from behind, holding him still. Zack and Maria use their fingers to HOLD his EYELIDS open. Walter pulls out a LAPTOP. ANGLE ON: TWO MEN FUCKING EACHOTHER IN THE ASS ON THE SCREEN. Derek SHRIEKS. WALTER YEAH?! You like that?!! TWO GUYS GOIN’ AT IT?! DEREK You guys are SICK in the head!!! WALTER AND I’M NOT DONE! We got WiFi in this bitch! Walter takes the laptop and goes to ‘MEATSPIN.COM’, a man’s penis TWIRLING while getting RAMMED by another man to the tune of ‘You Spin Me Round’ By Dead or Alive. DEREK You guys are forcing me to watch GAY PORN AND MEATSPIN?! WHAT IS THIS?! THE QUEER ‘CLOCKWORK ORANGE’?! WALTER THIS IS COCKWORK ORANGE, BITCH! AND MEATSPIN, THAT’S MY FAVORITE WEBSITE! I GREW UP ON THAT SHIT! NOW WATCH UNTIL YOU TURN OFFICIALLY GAY! ANGLE ON: After 30 spins, big bold red font pops up: ‘Congratulations! You are officially gay! :)’. Walter begins KICKING Derek in the crotch relentlessly. He SCREAMS. WALTER (CONT’D) NOW THAT YOU’RE OFFICIALLY GAY, YOU DON’T NEED THESE ANYMORE! He stops, begins typing. WALTER (CONT’D) And I got one more for ya buddy!
ANGLE ON: ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ comes on. DEREK NO!!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE PUT IT BACK TO MEATSPIN! JASON GUYS! What the FUCK are you doing?! I said KNOCK HIM OUT, not make him watch gay porn! MARIA Sorry, Jason! We wanted to improvise a little. Walter PUNCHES him in the forehead and hurts his own hand. WALTER Ow! He punches him again. Derek remains unfazed. WALTER (CONT’D) They make it look so easy in the movies! ZACK You pussy. Let me try. Zack punches him in the face. Derek is still conscious. ZACK (CONT’D) This guy is made of fucking rocks! DEREK You guys are gonna have to hit harder than that to make me faint. Robby gets up. ROBBY I WILL PUT YOU TO SLEEP, MAN. He punches him in the shoulder, HARD. DEREK AHHH! Why the fuck did you punch me in the arm?! Maria stands up, baseball bat in hand. MARIA Step aside, boys.
DEREK Oh shit. CRACK! One SWING of the bat knocks him out COLD. INT. VAN --- CONTINUOUS Derek slowly opens his eyes. Walter is right in his face. WALTER Dreams feel real when you’re in them. It’s only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange. DEREK Huh? WALTER Your MIND is the scene of the crime...... Little bitch. ZACK Yo, why the fuck are you quoting ‘Inception’? WALTER Shut up, man! I’m trying to scare him. ZACK That’s not gonna fucking scare anybody! Jason brushes Walter aside and sits in front of Derek. JASON I told you not to touch her again. Now I’m personally gonna teach you a lesson so you don’t ever harm another woman again. DEREK FUCK YOU! I DIDN’T DO SHIT TO ANYBODY! JASON Don’t play stupid with me. DEREK I seriously have NO IDEA what you’re talking about!
JASON Miranda, you dumb fuck. You beat her. DEREK What?! INT. AMBER’S APARTMENT -- CONTINUOUS Sarah stands with Amber at the door. SARAH You sure you’ll be okay? AMBER Yeah. SARAH I’ll call you as soon as I get home. Amber nods and they hug. Sarah opens the door to leaverevealing MIRANDA. No black eye. No marks. AMBER You have the nerve to show up here after everything? How’d you even find out where I lived? MIRANDA Look, I-AMBER (noticing) Wait a second, where’s your black eye? MIRANDA I need to be honest with you... Ever since Jason got with you, I became a mess. I obsessed after him for months. AMBER You can two can have eachother, okay? I don’t give a shit anymore. MIRANDA Just hear me out. I had my friend, who’s a make-up artist... draw a black-eye and bruises for me... Derek never touched me.
SARAH That’s so fucked up. MIRANDA I wanted him back... and as ashamed as I am to admit it... This was part of my plan. The only way he’d give me the time of day was if he saw me in pain. Other than that, he was too in love with you. Amber takes this in. MIRANDA (CONT’D) I instigated the kiss. I had him see me at my most vulnerable... And once he was hooked, I kissed him. AMBER Well two wrongs don’t make a right. I appreciate your honesty, Miranda. But you should leave. MIRANDA Okay. Just know that I never would have stopped by if I didn’t see the look in his eyes afterward. The guy cares about you. A lot. She leaves. Amber stands still, absorbing everything. INT. VAN -- CONTINUOUS DEREK I didn’t lay a SINGLE finger on her, man! JASON Bullshit. Jason winds back his arm to punch him. MARIA Wait! Stop! He freezes. MARIA (CONT’D) Okay, I know this might sound weird. But I’m pretty good at reading people, and something tells me he’s not lying. You should call her before you do anything.
JASON Are you crazy? I saw her face. MARIA Just please call her first. JASON Fine. He dials Miranda on his phone. EXT. STREET -- CONTINUOUS Miranda, walking outside, picks up. MIRANDA Jason, there’s something I need to tell you. INTERCUT: JASON What? MIRANDA Derek never hit me. I faked it all... I’m so, incredibly sorry. JASON Prove it. He requests ‘FaceTime’ on his phone, she accepts. The videoscreen reveals Miranda’s clean face. MIRANDA I’m sorry, Jason. JASON How could you?... MIRANDA (crying) I’m so sorry... He hangs up and looks at everyone. JASON Let him go. Head down, he leaves the van. WALTER Jason, what are you doing?
JASON Going for a walk. EXT. INNER HARBOR -- NIGHT Jason sits in front of the harbor. He takes in a moment of peace for himself. INT. AMBER’S APARTMENT -- NIGHT Amber lays in her bed heartbroken, scorned. Eyes wide open. She can’t sleep. KNOCK KNOCK. She wearily walks to the door. AMBER Who is it? EXT. AMBER’S APARTMENT -- CONTINUOUS Jason stands outside her door. JASON It’s Jason. INTERCUT: AMBER Please leave, I don’t want to see you again. I’m serious, before I call the cops. He sinks to the floor and places his face against her door. JASON Eisbaer... Eisbaer... Oh, Eisbaer. He’s singing ‘Eisbaer’ (Grauzone’s most popular song) in a ridiculous, over-the-top German accent. Amber puts her ear to the door and listens closer. JASON (CONT’D) Ich mochte ein Eisbar sein. I’m kalten Polar. Dann mubte ich nicht mehr schrei’n. Alles war so klar. He repeats the chorus. From behind closed doors- she can’t help but smile a little at how corny this is. JASON (CONT’D) It’s funny how a German song about polar bears can get stuck in your head. (MORE)
118. JASON (CONT’D) (beat) Damn that shit’s catchy... I guess that’s two things you were never good at, painting dragons and picking gifts. The one thing I can’t do... hang onto a girl. I’ve let so many slip through my fingers throughout the years... I just wanted to tell you... that this one hurt the most... It’s been twelve hours but I miss you more than I can bare... It’s gonna hurt to sleep from now on, and it’s gonna hurt to wake up. And for what it’s worth... I appreciated all my time with you.
Her eyes become very red. He stands up. JASON (CONT’D) Goodbye, Amber. He leaves. Amber stands behind the door, emotional. EXT. VARIOUS DOWNTOWN LOCATIONS -- DAY SHOTS and aerial views of the city encompass the screen. EXT. K&L GATES LLP -- DAY Jason, briefcase in hand, sits outside his work building. He takes out his phone, refreshes his e-mail. No new e-mails. He keeps refreshing, staring BLANKLY at the screen. INT. HOUSE -- NIGHT Amber’s at a house party- dancing with a group of friends. RANDOM FRIEND (pointing) Ha, look at that creeper! He looks like he has boxes of hair in his closet or something. Everyone laughs. Amber zones out. RANDOM FRIEND (CONT’D) Hey, you okay?
AMBER Yeah, yeah I’m fine. I gotta use the bathroom. INT. BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS Amber BUSTS the door open, grabs the sink and BREATHS heavily. INT. BAR -- NIGHT Silent scene of Jason and the friends laughing and partying. Walter is saying something, he listens for a few seconds, then stares off into space. His mind is somewhere else. FADE TO BLACK: EXT. FELLS POINT -- DAY Jason, headphones on, is jogging outside. It’s a new day. He stops at a crosswalk next to a young couple walking a dog. JASON (petting) Hey buddy. The dog wags his tail and licks him. WOMAN He likes you. JASON I like him, too. INT. LIBRARY -- DAY Amber sits with Sarah and Milton. She flips through her textbook and stops at a page featuring a picture of Jason Vorhees, cinematic serial killer. She looks at it. SARAH You miss him, huh? AMBER Yeah. MILTON Yo give the guy a break. All guys pine over their exes for a long time. He made a mistake. So what?
AMBER He cheated on me, Milton. I have to stand by my principles. MILTON Principle, my ass. Y’all women have support systems and an unlimited offering of sausage after a breakup. I bet all your guy friends have suddenly become sympathetic and understanding, right? AMBER Yeah. MILTON Well don’t fall for that bullshit, what they’re really saying is ‘want some dick?’. SARAH Milton... MILTON All I’m sayin’ is, I can’t help but feel for the guy. He seemed like a good dude from what I heard. Amber sighs. EXT. PAZZO -- DAY Jason walks by Pazzo. He notices Marcel standing outside. JASON Hey man. They dap eachother and hug. MARCEL Good to see you, brotha. JASON It’s two o’clock. What are you doing standing outside? MARCEL Ryan’s policy is that we gotta guard the entrance starting at noon. Gives people the illusion that we’re always busy.
JASON Where is that guy by the way? MARCEL He moved to Orlando for some chick. I think her name was Kristin. JASON (grins) Good for him. MARCEL He wanted me to give you this in case you ever swung by. Marcel pulls out a Bruno Mars CD with a drawing of a word bubble next to his mouth: ‘I’m Gay!’ JASON (laughs) Thanks. MARCEL You come by whenever you want. No cover, no line. And no 5K t-shirts. JASON Thanks man. They say their good-byes. Jason goes on with his path. INT. JASON’S APARTMENT -- DAY Jason comes out the kitchen, joining the rest of the crew. JASON You guys ready to head out? WALTER Look at you, man! You look like a million bucks. JASON (somber) Not really. ZACK What’s wrong with you? JASON Nothing. (beat)
122. JASON (CONT'D) It’s just that me and Amber were supposed to go together...
MARIA We don’t have to go if you don’t want to. JASON (beat) No, let’s do it... I could use some air. EXT. STAR SPANGLED SAILABRATHON, INNER HARBOR -- DAY It’s a glistening summer day. A parade of colonial war SHIPS sail into the harbor. Blue Angels soar overhead, marching bands play. Jason and the friends, beers in hand, watch the festivities take place. WALTER Alright... I just checked us all in on Facebook! ZACK Yo fuck that Check-In shit! No one gives a shit that we’re at the Star Spangled Sailabrathan. Last time you checked us in at Dave & Buster’s for Free Appetizer Night, I got zero ‘likes’ AND two people unfriended me! ROBBY ZACK, you are wrong man. Facebook Check-In is new I.T. innovation. Perfect for informing audience of life activities and sexual orientation. Jason sips his beer. Maria looks over at him. MARIA You alright, kiddo? JASON Eh, I could be better. But I’m enjoying the moment right now. MARIA That’s good. (beat) Thinkin’ about her?
JASON Little bit, yeah. ROBBY Walter man, you must stop staring at boys from the Marching Band. WALTER Their pants are so tight man, it’s like you can’t help but look. JASON I’m gonna go get a Bratwurst, you guys wanna come? WALTER Sure! Let’s go. They follow him through the crowd to the Bratwurst stand. From a distance, he sees AMBER standing there, looking around. He stops in disbelief. WALTER (CONT’D) That’s her, man!!! I’m so excited! JASON Oh no... what is she doing here? WALTER She came to this festival to sample some good sausage... but she actually wants yours! JASON Shut the fuck up! She spots him- walks toward him, beautiful and smiling. WALTER She’s coming over, man! (grabbing Jason) JASON (pushing him off) Shhhh! Shush. She stops in front of him. AMBER Hi. JASON Hi... How’d you find me?
AMBER I saw your check-in on my News Feed. Not to be a stalker or anything... I was in the area so I figured I’d stop by. ROBBY (to Zack) Told you, bro. JASON You don’t hate me anymore? AMBER No... I still do. But I also miss you. JASON I miss you too, like it’s not even funny how much I do. AMBER Yeah. JASON I’m sorry I let you down. AMBER It’s okay. You’ve always been a bit of a doofus. JASON (chuckles) I still am. AMBER What happened between you and your ex still hurts you know... JASON Understandably. AMBER It’s fresh right now... But I can’t let someone like you go that easy. JASON (smiles) Thanks for not giving up on me. AMBER We can start over again... As friends. And see where that takes us.
JASON Can we be pseudo boyfriend and girlfriend? AMBER (smiles) Maybe. JASON I love you. AMBER I hate you. Jason smiles. She grabs him and kisses him hard. MARIA (melting) Awwww. ZACK Fucking gross. WALTER They are making me horny, guys! ROBBY Walter, you must not say such thing. This is like watching brother and sister. WALTER And I love my sisters the same way Jason loves Amber. (beat) I guess that’s why they had to get abortions... They finish kissing. AMBER I should probably say hi to your friends. It’s been a while. JASON Yeah, good idea. Amber embraces the rest of the friends once more. THE END.