Monogamy - the ideathat thereshould only b. ona p.

raonwlth whoit yorl have sexual relations is wid€lyheldto b€ not only normrl |nd n|t!d, but .ho an ideal. And yet it's a lifestylc of ur rctorll/ llvr out, f€w AlthouSh mostof us attemptmonoSamy, most of u3 h.va to datl wlth htld.lxy Superficiallymayseemlike monoSamy a ief. optlon,but (latflt lor m.ry it L peopleiCsa denial a vcry roalpon of ur, of Likeanothersupposedl/ normalandnatural ideal, nucl.rr ltnlllt ol orurr rli,l th. andtwo kids,iCsnot what mostof us actually nor r..mln8lywh.t oloarol rrr do, truly want or need. AlthouSh most of us will marry,r.c.ni t.o.||(lorlr hrv. cometo accept div€rsity familylife,andjudg€mcntrl a in ld. ol p.opl.'llvl l r,l sin'havinS'illegitimate'and 'bas6rd'childr€n now hu8h.blyr|lr(hro lrrlr ar€ But monoSamyessentially behaving ifyou're practklnS b. mrrrlad " rr r as to supreme idealis intact. Thosewho live outside lt ar. i..n .! r.llLh, fid ohFli of a$ €heats'. yet most of us are not monoSamoui. l.rrt rt tom. tlrnt And at sexyouolity challenges monoSamy the relotlonjhlp, rr ||r ldrnl rr i not as bur b,ueprint Having unattainable unsuitable or Soalicanonly cv.r dhtppo[rt r'rl frustrate, not only dis'?ct from honestinteracdon ncdvaly and but dhcoo,!16lr So,what if we wer€ to be non"monoSamous; s€crGtly lLrrdvrly, .ri i not of ttur wilfulchoice akinto thosewho liveoutsideth6 ld.al of rllrrfl.l.l What Droblems would be solvedlWhat Droblems wouldb. cr. .df Ho\r .orli, we dealwith theml And wouldwe hooestly likelyto b. rny hrppl.ri be Drawing a w€althof diverse on contemporary writinSIn c$.yr, l.t(.rr, rlrls\ andbooksfrom Britain, Europe the USAover the lart 30 y.rrt, rnd b.y()rrl and into the poetryof KahlilGibranandre€ordof non-monoSrmour ln llvlnS Victorian times,this pamphlet raises thesequestions off.rr romr rnrwnrr and

sexyouality

i s bn095299753 3

challenging the culture of monogamy

CONTENTS
5. A Ptoce To Stort > He ck 'lf. See how lt ott connects > Ogdn Nisorg 12. Sexgo@titu > The Oodhdven Coolectlye 14.A tetter from the Oodhoven Coolective 21.ComesThe Down 22. Sex ls Not The ImportontThlng > MlchoelAluno 24. Folthfut To j4on9 > Kdte Severson 25. Sex fs For Bonding > Dr Deborch Anapol 28. The 'S' Word> lrrl 50. MedftotionsOn ,eotousg > Nlchoel Aluna 53. TowordsA New Culture > Dr Dleter Duhm 44. CommunolSex Lib > Ogon Nlsorg 49. The Potitics Of Potg Love > lomes Heddle A 50. Sexuot Communism Success> gdn Abroms 54. Sex fn Ulooio > Azo Also 56. Love Relotlonshlps,,eotousg, Rerectlonond Llberotion > Adam arcgmdn 57. The Ontg Thing Thot Motters> OtufrU Im 58. Morrloge > Kohlil OJUon

It

A Place To StuFt...
Th€ idea fo. doing this tn€ came after a To bave an id@ of what your rclalions *ilb group discussion at the Earth Firsll someon€should b€ before you've even mel Cathering in Scotland i. summer 97. them ca. only eler be reslricrivc and Although only irgged on to the biU as a last repressive. tf\e continue with p.eselrules minute thing, the workshop got one of the and rolos we deny individualibrand push larg€st discussiongroups of the whole alay great partnels. We nusr get the garhe.i.g.lt seems it wasa new idea|l) like couraSe face our hearts,md to nake ou to most of us 10 discuss sexLralityand lives as close1() real des;es6 we can. olr monogmy issues oulside of We should be able to le1 sexualityissues each o1he. b€ the mos! we sn immediate circle of friends.It aho seemsrhat haveonly been can be, to cel€brate one rbe ideas. problens and irnothe., to rvork th.ouSh talked about in concems involvedarebeing good ad bad times logether. faced by nost of us. at le6t But it shouldalwayxbe as small groups.If periodically. The Creen orl.reber. ralhef than sone communiry makes apoint of we're all drirg' this prcdecided unexplained bDt questioring so man] of the else stuff, then surely idea .hat someone has Lr.questiored things that of whatthey'd like us to be. we should be damage us. yet sexuality issu€s ha!€ only been talked questioning these It is not the Pldriorrr?s of about in small groups. If monogamyI'm against, it\ we'.e all /oi,8 fth stufi, thingsas a culture. the inttitution - th. ;d@ ri^t then surely we should be the$ &r€ 'Ihe Rules for qrcrlrbrtra these thingsas a culrure. sexual lore. Thaiifyou donldolhk you a.e bad o. a failure. lf you re a man you're The prmise I put foNaid at the EFI dd p.ovrng a point wirh an l-shag-loads{fBig Green galhe.ings,and continue to do in birdsne attitude,and ifyouie a {oman it\ this in this zins, is lhnl for most people sorne low self-wonh thing. Actlally. low monogamyis a damaSing ard repressile sclf-wo.th leads to complisnce with other it peoplet ideasthal donl work fo. you: the lray to live. Tharalthough has I Mills & Boony vercer, i! realit) il has little to do blindacceltance ofthe monosahous nod€l with romance dd lo!e. and far moreto do of rclariodships can steft frorn a fcar of th inse.uriry ed ownership. being op€nand hoftst aboul feelingsand an i.abiliry !o sumnon the strengn to make And more dlan thjs. the real p.oblem is thal it is heldupas anodel, a blueprinl whal for n6r be. lfyou wantto all sexul rclaiions We'!e got a toial lack of cultureJlEfercnce or live outside ofthis, you'restrange wrcng, for this, it's somethingnol dealt th in ih€ and ifyou do live outsideoflhisthenyot]'ve films and love sonssand dmma(unless it's .eally n€gative Fatal Aflmction stuff). No *onder it feelslik€ we'r€ stumbling into a

sexyoaality was eventuallypublishedby Godhavenlrk, 1999ce. Cornpiledandeditedby M€rrick. The aulhor asseds hurnanrights. his isbn0952997533 Ink, Godhav€n Media, Rooted The Cardigan Centre, 145-149 Cardigan Road, L€eds, LS6 lLJ, Ensland.

www.godhaven.org.uk
c odhav enln I p rb l i c a ti o rs rre p .i n te d o o r ecycl edp!per. Cenbe,,lth Fl@r.Cd Mills, This pMphlet wd crealedat Oblong Resource Leeds, LS7 2HY,Engl&d. 322Medwood Road, G odlav er hk p u b l i c a l i o n si .e ttrti -c o p y ri gbt. dyway. ofit\ nicked HelpyouBelfio anyor all of it. In this panphletloads

Bmks ffe sold ro conlilid Inc objc.! *ho !h8ll. b! wy ofhdc or .rheNis. b€ lei. Eaold hiftd our or o$eRF onblled rilhout tno ! nmns Ihli n bi.dms. wirh a simnd coddnion b.ing inpovd on 1nesublequ.n. rb@cIs dea4 i. a namer thar is mi pddy .oincidcd.l

_v
dark abls. But if )ou 1o focl like it's headjngtowards somethingdore honesr and1rue. i1\whereyou nustgo. And sorhis pamphlet here showyou'renol the llrsl is 10 eas alsoGyanNisarg', article"Communal Sex-Lib' (nom Towaftls2012 issF 3). which deals \ith non-monogamy hsues, exanples of communlties,and his own experionces. Because ofthe big response a1 the dhcusions.I thoLrghl pui rog€lher I'd a smallzine ofthoselieces, bur I gol lenl so much relevantstull o!e. rhe summerthal I'!e ext€nded 10this. it hos to live. It's lere to ger ,vouto thinl abou!rt. breaking promise? a llow incredibly unfair and wast€ful it is to sh&e a palod, incomplctc vcBion of each othcr b) blockinS cenain feelings. of courserhe To blindly lollow unquestioned rules is to teelinSs of those ound you nust be reinforce lhen.In eleryrhingwe do thereis a choice.If I am to do an)lhing, lel it b€ consid€red caredfor. And conipronise and Aware of its in rhis is inevitable; in mosi personai because I a'n 4'r,". consequences.implicariods, neanings. natters we re pulled in diftnrentdirectiors I at once.But I do seeclearlythat jealousy effecls and possibililies. donl tbink il\ unreasonable expecr to rhatotell adulls. and insecuriry,wbiht being very deepsealedand !er! rcal, are both unhelpful and Ratheriha.lry ro fit in witb a realityrhat is surmountable. With compassion and people can help heal erch but undeBtanding not only not of ou. choosinS. a realiry olher of this srlfi fia1 doesnl sork. thal If In the sep sted, makesus sufie., $e should so'neoneis fiee to say ard crcdte at aen. \re shotld ftey isolatedlives we're be lhocan be are. tben there love. but live as we think we should given we cling lo any feelinSs cannol be live. Gile the things fiat repress no ohoiceother us manufaotured for

I do.\ a8reewith 3ll of the stuff he.e indecdsomepieces dir€cllycontradict each other - bul all of it has somefiinglalid ro say. And not just on monoSamy, elen or sexualit). on ouraltitudes but Somepeople say this is all If this is who we roo rhought-out and not to aU human .elations. ln Diete. Duhm\ "lbwdds A are, why don't we rcmanuc - on tne contEry New Culture he !ays. hafloSahf ts t nas\et ptan. a our 'considcring true wishes try to find waysto rule book, a mould io push ud longings. dail! lives be happy with it? youB el f i nl o. I' n tal ki ng our are prettv ridiculous,' ud about lhe courag€ and this applies not just to the majorily who freedom io abandon Masler Plans, and ieign monogmy, but to all of us in man)' instead1o huly follo{ }our heart,1o l€t bejngtosethcrbe bis, decp,wild, friendl),. te.de! lhateler it tums in!o. Iti a volage To honestlylive oulsidemorcgady is ro of discovery- of the other personand ol slcp inlo the unknosn, bur 1o me it feels youi own heart and of ilhar you find truerto the humanspirit.I can neverknow together. Now rrdri romance. Lovewithout where it\ leading.bu1 then monogamy doesnl /eall/ otrer that eilher I'm suretha! pith everysord on thcir wcddingday, rone of ihe 40% of AllhoughI mightnot ag.ee couplessho cnd up g€lting divorcedde inthis pamphlerit\ allstuilthafs mademe p/arrtra for it to go that w.y. lhink, shownme $ays to look at things.or put into *ords things I fecl. Thk isn't A Fo. anyone{ho h$ even Book Of Answers, onl! it an inkling that maybe addresses \ha1 is clearly Weneedlo move monogamyisn't tbe id€al an rssue thal causes there\ some useful and beyondthe selfishness problems most people fbr trulhtul stuff in here. For (at leas1at some tide). and the need for those who do think ttsecufiUt' and ofering and start to differenl ways to addres monog.dy's an ideal. you'll recoSdise many of confront ow fear of whatis Boingon. lfthis is the problenrs idenlified in who we d/r, just how much we're rry |o find whydon'tre heie, and maybe ir'll wa)s to bc your mindandheart change bsppl with it? Whv a linle. should we continue to subscribe codes io ofbebaviou.that damage For lhe discussions sunrme..l'drciead last us far more than the behaviour thcy prohibit?$1'y can'l we be honestfor a a couple of things.'Ihere sas the article ''scxyouality" lhat I hclp€dto write tor the cbangelIfwe areto d.i this,this pamphlet h Codhav.nThc Third zine,thena letierlhat hereto suggenissucs and ideas conside. io clnrc in rcsponsc. thenour repl):There dd as a place to start. lt is nol he.e to rell ]'ou

intimacy allowed or given lo us. Of course not pr oclaim ing Thi s i s there'sinsecarityand l'm some socialpanacea. not adlen;ing a new rule lob, self-wofih and book that $ill make the lh eir result, j ealousy. world great if only olcryone lvould follo* ir. lle' ve been br utalise d, I am no1 jusr s$apping il's nol ow faull. churches. l'm sayinglhal

cannct be pro'nised or

capable otr,

there tre ,, universal models to live up to. '|No.-monogmy! refers to an jnfrnite lariel"v of types of .elationship. The.eare,.) Finrl Ans*ers.no or.{ize-fi1vdll blueprints for human relations. don't advocate I chmging cages, brt disnuntling rhen. Abancloni g rhe churches. AbaDdoninsmonogamyis not selfish, il\ about openinEup md bcing honeirabouryouBelf so thar it3 a liue self ihat youle sh.rin8. We need to move beyoDdthe selfishness and tbe need for 'securiry" and slart to confront ou fcar of jusr hos muchwc'rc capablc ol The "securilr" is a marerialsecuril,, ii's making someone prom;e to be there to wbether tbe,r warr to or not. $1ai real is securiry' b$ed o! ! fear ofthe ha$le of

Bl analysing this.I ge1 all loid that I'ln being too ralional. that l m tryingto be all mechanical and ob.jectir aboutstufflhat\ e way olt of ou. control.I know rnostoflhesethjng! ee out of our control! I m nol$eckjng but 10 coturol,I donl want to sc;enrificall) decide shoto love.But I dothi,rkth€r€ panerns are lo observe, th€r€areleveh ofundentandirg wc cm hale (ofou.selvesand othert that can help 'rs steerour liles in waysthat are bcttcr for us There are inanf lypes of behaviour thal are denruclile aDd are diftjcuttto gel freeo1l ln this subject. think ofjealousy, I ofa nonspecific leelingof incompleleness being for sinSle. ofinsecurit)in ils rnanyfoms. I and think n is essential ou. *€lfb€in8 ool to to acceptlheseas a inevitable,irnmovable basis ftal we start from. These deslructile traitsand hang-ups thercto be voftad ar; ah. wo*ed thmugh. ll might not seem

Tlte accusationof selfishnesscomes when people imagine themselv€sas they are now, with all th€ acquisitiveand impuls€s, fear in a position of greate. sexMl f.eedom. But That\ not l,osaythesethings won:t comeup I'm talkj.S abourlosing such as tine a.d agaiq they will. But maybewe (ard because)we ger the increase of 'npulses should ty to dismanll. freedom. As we los€ the This isn't just them,diminishdtem,.,re nbsolutist'with ne/nol them. rather than be ruled wiih me' roles 'reducingeverJthing lo see lbat and stan Just cos to sex' - sexual someon€'s not totally Jealousy nor a problem, relationsar€ about rs eeilh me il doesn't mean is it is a slnpton af they'veleft me,I canlos€ intimate as we get, if some of the fear of problemiinsecurity. the ln ^ separated. isolated liv€s we don't getthat right, abandonftenl ard rh€ we're given we cling to needto havesucha tight be really ourselves reign on them. Grealer any intimlcy allowed or given 10 us. Of course there,then what hope sexual fre€dorn needs, ih€re'sinsecurily aDdlow means and nurtues self-worth theirresult, for anything elsewe greater respect fot and jealousy. vr'e've been do? But more than bruralised, it's not our this, the whole of our Thjs isn't just 'reducing fault. Don't be ahmed. Lett not be embanass€d seYualilyhas been everything to sex' about what we've com. sexualrelalions are aboul reducedto just sex. as inlimateas we get, if ftoln, let's just make the fttur. better. One of the w€ don\ getthatright,b€ thinss I really like in Gyan Nisa.g\ arricle really ourselves ihere, then shat hope for is the way jt conaains just a $eallh of not anlthing els€ we do? Bur more thu this, the study and thoughl, but also a hefiy end whol€ of ou r€rldlry has be€n reducedto just sex.All this en€rgyhasbeensqueezed section of cmdid and honest pe.sonal experi€nce; there'sno point in Bloriously into one .cliviry. No wonder it: all so volatile.The energl'ofsexualiryis not just theorisingabout ulopian schenes if we don t put ourselves.lith all our failings and about sq{ (to prove this, seehow possessive half-measures, ido the picture. sexualjealousycd be provokedby nonsexul &lions like spendingtoo much time The olher thing that g€ts levelled at nonwith frie.ds or oh a pastime).To get ftee of monogMy is thatil is shalloq supe.ficial. a rnonogemyencourages ope selfish easyshaga.d lhen run away wher il in our lives. ln$€ad of having ev€lyone cldsed aseither Lover or Not Lover. $ e can s€ts difiicrllt. This is actually th€ basis of a iot of se.ial nonoSmy (Fnich, wben you explo'eall kindsof stufi in between. can We think abouti! h etually serial!oly8a6y: lem how to be intimat€without \{oning just separating aboutit seemtng makingpasses. can n's having many partners, ljke We gel tactile without fear or awkwardness. themwith time).I don't see non-nonogany as a way of avoidins rcsponsibilit. t see it Eve. in our monoganously-condirioned as a rejection of ra,ttua,f togetheDessand laking pcople for grdted. cultu.e,mostpeople dof,'t actuallt practice

panicularlyeasy or even possible,but in r€ality drere is only one way to make changing pemar€ntly somelhing inpossibie, dd thais to give $p rrying.

':

nonogamy. Most People have had clandesaine bits-on'the-side. se.ial monogany (sequential Pobgamy) is the end in nom, and .ea.t hdf of maniages is what we &e actually divorce. If this doing. surely we should face up to it, and surely we could organiseit so that € can be ' nore ho.esl and haPpy. Surely wo ca. do betier, surcly we dewe lo re3t ouBelves

why do we pretendthet it shouldn't be lik€

I

Deceit is the only interp€rsonal crirne lo deceive,to breaktrust, to lie. to nanipulate.

a to I don't wet p€ople deny* hatis cleArly strong. sparklins. powerlul, REAL cos rogn€tic thing cos it's inconvenient, it neuroses. else's doesn'tfil in with someone I'mnotsayins live on impulses.lamsaying until we are honest abou! who we are and which I an agaiust sex-as-commodiFJ, what we feel. we tre not means I dislike thal Everybodyis loveable. truly ouBelves, $e a.e m@hanical, disresp€clftrl ,ha8-a-many-avyotr-can It is not unlikcl! that living lives of wilful But thing. everybodyrriu Jind commodityis the bas'sof monogafty:it says"This morc lhan onepefson I doh'tjust want lieedom to be with orher lovers, I h a binding conlract promising how we will loveable,So why do we *anl my other lovers to be wi$ me by iiee b€have.o matle. how le prctend thal it choice.lfl am to be witb feel". Inst€ad I say not be like that? softebody for a lol of shouldn't give or take, but rrdl.. time at an intimate level, And cele,.drel I have no it musl be cos we vrrr it to be so. Even rule book to live by. but this do€sn't meanI when I love soneone deeply and can only iave no rnorality. In fact, I find being non' &ho when we're apari and get huf and incresesmy respo.sibilityl monogamous dgry and jealous when they're with find lhat I mate the €fron to undeNrandand I someoneeLse. would.'t ha!€ il any other long aller the b€ with soineon€ way. This isn't cos I'm sorne monoganous rules would lell me to "dump 'nartyf masochisi, bxt cos if that\ Ihat my lovor if that's what rnakes ihem needs to do, happiesi.nore treru?fu?r then that i3 wh I can still be intimstely invohed tith lhey must do. lf I don't want then to do that. teopl€ when eithcr or both of us really then I don't wanl rren, I want somestunted, souldn't be up for a "going out wilh' ampulated version of them that doesn't thing.This isn'tjtislaboutsex monogamous €xis( I'm with th€ wrong person. wifi them, it's .boul all the inlime! thet commuicatio. comes with it, the depth of And I find I .a, move lbrcugi tlte jealousy 6nd personal peac€and lovely cuddly stuff a.d other deslruclive thinSs.lt's nol withoui thar is differeni wjth dy different se1 of pain, but I'm not afraid of s/o,rra pains. people. I don't expect dyone to be It's rhe pain of my horizoru getting bigger ervrything to m€l they could only ever of my love clowins. Leaming is s€ldom love what disappoint-I believe that I should mther than Esent whal they're son€on€ is, isn'telerytling som€thing ,or Justbecauso Thiiling 'thjs makesmejealous or insecure doesn't mean it's nothing. Everybody is so lh€refore it is bad and must be avoid€d" lov€able. is not onl;kelylhat everybody ll doesn't help us st all. Su.ely the real job is penon lov€&ble.So will find more than one

T
to co,y'o,r the jealousy and insecuities, to find out $hat\ causi.gth€m a.d sei about trying to overcomeftem. Ioslead oftcllinsmy lovertharI f€eljealous o. angry so they must chmge, I ask for th€ir h€lp. I say I don't like whafs going on. I don't wantto denyyou your fulfilment.but neither car I d€n) what I feel. Can we solve this?Will)ou helpto healrne? causesof it all. Lefs actuall' JAce it. rolt about il. We havelo seewherc we rcally d/e betbre we car be co!fident aboxt where we can 80. We .d, nake this work.

r
See How It AII Connects?
by GyonNbore of of that our ebus€ the earthandour abuse each It is becoming v€ry apparent coin.Ther€is a needfor everyone of us to two sides ofthe same other are but with conscious ofour deepconnections eachother openour heansandb€com€ The currentmodelis serial environmenr andt}l€ Dhysical Polygamylot5of frlls in partners up by lineartime.whensomeone a relationshiP in lovewith split and to presented usually be dishon€st fucktiem on th€ are another, alternatives the on€ over the other. by caulean equal amountof self-denial choosint side,or to and as Therear€ more choices; manyasyou canimagine then som€.I know I love with more thanone involYed I tian on€ person. knowthat to be sexually mor€ Thisain't hon€st atmosPh€re person for only be possible me in a comPletely would can painfre€ andnor is monoSamyor lifefor that matter'I tnow monoSamy b€ and very painful, to mentjonlimitinS. l'd Prefermy odd bit of anguish not tiankyouvery muth accompani€d freedom, by means non-monogamy necessarily responsible To Seehow it all €onnectsl choos€ and possession a p€rsonasproPertysexual of tackling rhose'difllcuh"issues: atl forc€s thosemotivatinS andundersttnd a emotional dis/bon€sty,needto uncov€r of to instead being of somedumbdocil€sheep the shePherd unquestioned PreHow eh€ eliminate alienation' R€sPonsibly proSrammed monlit/. Liv€your desir€s. lov€,ac€ePtance a and exceptthrouSh and narrowmind€dness destruction sadism. understanding? for fiercedesire com-passionate Pufting it to th€ t€st is up to You. You orewo.th it you cor do it andwe are not alone!

Since ereryore has had these feelings, your lover will know what r'.ou're talking about. You fe€l these thingscosyou /or" then, so we're here to help why do sonething that e&chother to be the Having a lover who's otr pushes th€m away from you? lf it's worth getling bestwe can, the with other peopl€usedto do hun ove., it\ worth thesedats I mosttrue, the most ny head in, bur there ce be underst3nding.So we nusl find sonetim.s stop fliDchins from pain and honest,most real, joy in il. It canbe wonderful hav€ thc cou.a8e to heal I mosl outselveswe to seesomeone lovebeing rather than so happyand exciled,and I symptoms. By neithe. can be. love the gossipy talks- i rejecting .h€m fo. their have a love loo strong to be jeopardisedso easily. And though I still get nisdeednor denyingyour true feelings. but d€alins with it as pstuers in the healins and caughtout by thesethin8s occasionally, I leaning prccess,you often come out of jr trust myselt. ny lovers ond rn! fii€nds stronger, siser and more together as enoughto knoF jl'llall b€ OK. Ifwe care individuals dd as a couple. And if it rcally about each other ihen !ve1e bere to help is "all over", then dealing alsolutely each olh€r to be dre best we can, the most honestly. Bith love instead blm€. means of true, the mo$ honest, most real, most you don't los. the niend. Yes, there can be emotjonal imbalance, "they quite like me bui I'm absoluleiyin love wilh them", bul these da happenjn nonogamyaswell. wejust ptetedrhey te more or less than lhey rcally are so il fits Th€ Rules. problems ce.tainlynot These e jusr ihe preseNe ofthe 'cheats'and nonthe monganous. Messeslike ilh affe.t anyon€ who'severfallenfor someone. question Ih€ isd't oneofavoidingmesses a1lcosls, at but one of dealing wilh ne$ in a wa-v-. thatt based on r€alit] and p.ogression of ow spirit, rather the mainlaining the neurotic Oursehes and eachother is all we have, we have to do the be.t w€ can. So we have to think, obs€re md undelstard if Be ar€ to mov€foNa.ds. Chwards....

The timesit h6 reauyr€allyhud is whena lover goesofrwith son€onewho h clearly a dickhead.Bur I know dat I've done simile thingsand the only way 10leamthe lessonlras to live though it- It's her life, and if she .eall]. lhinks she's happi€r spendins ajl her lih€ with If we care about Mr Potato Head, well il's with me eachother th€n ihat or her beinS wirh him wishingshe were

I for of Somuchof the problem the gEnerationspeak is: fearof or howto lov€or be lovedor nurture not intimacy... knowlng hurting, manipulating' withoutcontrollin& encourage your pervertlng. to That'sthe growth proc€ss: underuand tme by yourself... psychoses nelroses spending by enough and and to knowyourself, loveyourself.
lrnch - Lvdle

10

T
shown lheywantio hearandtalk that ln to about moreopenly, Gsponse sex thiswearegiv6n'\i/omens" magazines, is sexmags manualsto and telluswhat and \Men, on The "normal" "correct". N6ws,we are given 6ight hoursof
(caretully vetted) Gulf War footage every day,we thinkwe know the whole story Our Need To Know is appeased. the same In way, our being given hundreds of surveys on Vlhal l\ren Really l hnt In Bedmakesus think we are being grven our sexuai liberation.They refer lo our "sex life", isolating it as a compartment. A hol;day. You are allowed havea "sexlife"as longas it to doesn'taffectthe rcst of your life. As lonoas it's not partof reallife lf it does seep out then it is portrayed as .the wild passians, dangerous.,. drawingus downto our doam... Sex is still the only lime we get out of control that cannot be legislated against. And so instead, are made we lo feel inadeqlateaboutand even hate our own bodies so that we police Yoursexualenergyis ond ofyour most powedul forces,Goodsex b one oflhe iew thingsthat take you into realising how good you can iael withifiyourself. Our pefceptions are altered,sensual experiences tadically differentand are can even becomethe opposile theh of usual perception;scratchingor biting can change from b€ing painful into a gloriousand intensepl€asure,a slight tolrchor breathcan changefom being barelv noticeable to exouisite and proportiqns. exalting rushesof seismic lt is the testimony of magjc, :i glimpse of living perfection, a communication with a principalpillar of the spkit. Queston, think, expariment. Whose rulesareyou l;ving by?

by the godhaven coolectivo
"Thef6 la nothing atlrty that two people can do, or elght people, ot one pefson. The only ditA thhg you can.loto a body is to hu,lit or k tft', - Lenny Bruce St OerekJarmansaid "under6land that sexualityis as wid6 a6 the sea". Thi6 can be magnifr€dinto our individual lves - understand that your own sexuality as is wide as the sea. Think about iti almost you know has everyone enjoyed sex with a partnerand also solitary masturbation. Think aboul how different these experienc€s are, yet how we raadily accept lhem both as pleasurable sex. lf you can enjoy two such dispa.ate sexual acts, whatelse wouldyou like if onlyyou triedit?

it as something we takeor givea6 that a commodity, thanas the€ne€y ralher thatcha.ges €ndlhrough fom us. V\hen arestillbabies makean we we unspoken agre€m€nt our motherc wth and fathersnot lo touch ourselves "down thef6" in relurn for their conlinued As soon we areable love. as
to touch our genilals, we're iold not to. lt's rude. lt's dirty. Nakedness viewedas is sexual. No matterwhat our individual upbringings, the Christian moralityof our society impinges upon out ves, ancl out sexuality cannothelpbut be twistedand inhibat€d by it.

Weare encouraged to view sex selftshly, as a gesture of conquestor the placing of restrictions, insteadof somethingthat we sharein mutual celebration

Sex is st ,, the only time we get out of controlthat cannot be legislated against. And so, instead,we are made to feel inadequate about To inhibit your sexualityis lo inhibit and even hateour your spiritualiiy. ln own bodiesso that laking controlof your we police ourserves. sexuality, you take control yourseli of

Sex is buried under mountiains tabooandembarrassm€nt of that are e66entiallythe r6sidue of c€nluries (in particularthe 19th) of Christian indoctrination. burialis a This tool of contol. \ & are encouraged to view sex belfshly, as a gesture of conquest the placingol rcstrictions, or insteadof somefhiflg that w€ shar€ In And so we detach. As Christianit's mutualcelebration. Vve're inlluence madeto treat beginsto wane, peoplehave
what you cau clecadentis the counge to expqiqce ,tt ot ttte - Anais Nin

And thisis a greattoolto be usedagainslus. lf we are frightenedto touch even our own bodie6, how can we bear lo reachout to olhers?lf we can be kept confusedand unsure about our own selves then we are doprived of the confdenceto sharethat selfwith those aroundus. We are keptisolaied, alone, and ih6€by easierlo contrcl.

who cannot lov6 herself cannotlove anybody who ia ashamed of her body is ashamed of all life who linds dirt and filth ih her body is ,osl who cannot rcspect the gifts given even b€fore birth can never fesPect anything fully songof tE salish wonen - ancient

ttom GodhavenThe fhitd zine publishsd Godhaven 1995. by Ink,

I thlnh that a soclety whtch condon$ vaginal deodonnt is a soclety In rcal tduble - John P@!

t2.

i3

T
This letter is the reply by Godhaven coolective a lelter to complaining(primarily) about the ,sex/arality' article from the . Godhaven The Third zine.
The po;nl the article was making (the nain one. anyway) is wider - thal Thanls for writing to us. Sory it's ralen s€xualityis ,?o,'e thansex,i1 is oneofthe a f€w weeksto reply. but we wanted 10 main lbrces of our spirirual being, discussthis between four ofus befole the aliecting far more than jusl our senal writing back to you. Alrhough we behaviour.Irut because all lhe taboo of ouNelve se€ nmerous firults in the s and embarrassmentthal assorted Godhavenzine tdlog/, by and large we religions (in our casechdstianity) have feel that it worked - i. go! the heap€d upon sex. we have feelings and ideas OUT The lessthat we had our sexualiry $ifled so THERE for rl5, and we'v€ know aral thal it becomes stunled or hada lot ofposiliv€response mutated,like sprayingpoison understand to it. Suchlhings are nice. but about ourselves, on the flowers of a plant can a constructive criticising the lessw€ can kill it right down to its piece is always more usefi . It's a shame,then, that your loveofourselves criticisns arc endrely based and the less.'e What we're encouraging is on invalid presuppositions can truly give of that peoplerecognise and this and/or mis0derstandings of be€om€more in touch with ourselves. going on inside. what's rea14, The less that we know and understand Your main beof is with the 'se).Toualiry' about ourselves, lesswe can love of lbe piece, and its all€gedencouragemenl of ouselves and the lcss i}€ can tuly give s€lf-gm.i8ing junk sex wilh no thoughl ofowselv€srhis js ourpoint.andrhisis for a partners feelings. I don't kno{ point being madein ih€ ancient also &e whereyou got this ideafrom, at no point song of the salish women dla! we quote in the article do we advocate condone or at the end. We are ,ot being 'just like a this. You ask "what about all the sexual jeho\ah's witnesspointing rabidly at the conquests whoselbelings arc ignorod".I texr in his bible" as you ufairly allegefind the use of the term "conquest" a JW (or any other .nemberof the holyparticularly disturbing- PLPASEre-read text religions) lakes lhe book as a moml the secondparagraph oflh€ anicle (and, code and moulds th€ir life around it, inde€d. restofit whileyou'reat it), h lhe declaring things to be the case only rubbish€s your criticisms and clearly b€cause book saysso. We quote the the advocatescaring, joyous s€x ("we ar€ salish women because the song encouraged view sex selfishly, as a !o eloquentlystatesa point that w€ arived g€stue of conquestor the placing of al indep€ndently. rcstrictions,insteadofsomethingthat we shar€in mutual celeblation"). So. sta(ing from yow mis€onceived (no pun intended)point of believing that we
l4

My dearSteve,

ihis is the O,\ZI way it tan be, and go are encouragingpeopleto hurttully use Thenthey 1@ltrg for suchr€lationships. othersas sone kind ofrnaslurbationaid, one_lo-one try to make dfl, partnershipinro such a you've goneon to advocate rclationship, which very often doesnot as exclusives€xualrelationships the only work, and people end uP hurt and real way of having caring sex You've contused, ratherlike a toddlertryiig to that \l€ should "love everyone.but said ram a squarepeg in a slar shapedtol€ sex for whai I see as its original save Dhy it won't fit. andwondering (natural?) purpose - cementtngthal specialbond with onc person" I hateio I think pcople should tak€ a step back say this to you, but this really bcaays your having a christjan backgrcund. and lrirl aboutit all a bit more The key Single-partnet lifelong, exclusive, 1() it all is HONESry. Ir'e must be hones!with ourselvesabout what nakes relision-approved, us happy i'?d/t us. after relationships are the spirituality and and bullshit rhe doctrine(andmoreor less physicality'Politics, conditioning cut away), is o0 rheinvention theholylove,mind what makes us fulfil1ed. sexuality, text religions, (allhoughI don't level all these ar and body - tbey're all We must groF to know As you, I noie you made no ingredients ofthe same and love ourselves- !\€ do so we can rrdru our reference to sexual whol€,and affect one love ith orhers,celer,"dte orienlalion or approval another,We must knot one anoth€r I'm not just ftom authorir-). what thesethings are lalking about sex here, As T says. sexualiiy is and ,ore it beforewe I'm talkingthewholeselll this realisation As "worth explodng wi*tou1 can sharethem emerges, one becomes tbars, rhe handed-down properly - how can you aware thar ali these paranoias and hang-ups you don't of the pasr few millennia giv€ a gift if things are really sepam(ed know what it is or if of palriarchal fuck-up onei spirituaiiry and single" you don't think it's culiure.Exclusive politics, pbysicaiity. have partnerrelatioDships desirable? sexualily, lo\€, mind and beenpound€din1ous, bul not body- they'reallingedientsofthe same evidence are, by all psychological whole, and afiect one anolher.\lt must 'nalulal', and by all historical evidence izol' what thesethings Ne zttd low il not 'original"'. Human beings only beforewe cansharethem properly - how invented such relalionships {hen they can you give a gif. if you don't kno$ invented o$nership of pivate proPrty. what it is or if you don't think it's Beforc thal, people, land. water life, desirable? €veryfi ing wasjusi.lte,'e. Th;s is not to saylhat suchrelarionships are wrong or don't woik. Clearly they work very \\€11for some PeoPle.The problem we have ;s thar peoplefeel tha! 15 Whenwe honesllyfaceoulsehes,we see hos much is bullshit or condilioning, just reflecting $hat has gone on around that oul us, and \re can start to separate

_______ "goddann i1,we've gor to be kind", then an almighry YES! 10 you- But your comment,coming as it did at the end of lo a lelter appearing lay into us not otly for s1 R'we didn'1actuallysay.but using all kinds of nast) loadedteminology, well, we may have beena bit halsh and lite.al at first. You really shor dn't use such €motive nasty phrasing, (refening 1o us as "spouling about" and "going on abouf' stutr). It detracts fiom any real polnt you're making and winds people up. li seemsalmosl bizarle after the ncgative feNour ol your letter to have "geat mag anyhow - keep al it" at tbe end. You should kno} that Harper go1the lctter to fiISt and proceeded spendar evenjng into wliting back 1l) you. lt degenerated note fonn and didn't get properlY finished. He has a severelydebilitating by illness thal is exacelbated slress,bul $'as so wound up by rhe completely he misconstruedstuff and wholly wrong prcsupposiaions he had to \'e!itethere thar then. As J saj',it didn't get properly and tnished, and someof it is a bir lan!, bul as a last word on the "people nafier!' thing. one thing Harpersaidwas "people do mattor more than things - I age€. They matier more than my rroer lbr instance - bui I think you'll find thal ihere wouldn't ,r' any people withoul sex. ,^.sBill Hicks said'we're here someone's lucking!'". b€en To say that \re should study quanturn physics aboutenergy' befo.e"spouting Ir's probably a good is a bit sjlly. 1oo. lting forlor to havestudiedit, I havent and would like to knoE more, maYbe you could discussi1 with me. But to say we shouldn't rcfer 10energl is nodsense t7

hon a deeperscnseof sell:

Beca:use two peopleare the same,no no relationshipbet\.een any rwo people is the sarne.So to come to a huge nun$er of relarionshipsand tsy to enJorceone Tl€re is a whole lot betweeneveryrhing particular behaviouralcode (such as and nothing; I have many peoplewho I ya,/ monogamy) ludicrous. people is If call my friend, ranging from p€ople to do that with one another,fine. But ir whosesumame address don'r know and I seemsto me that a greal many p€ople throughto somepeopleI would gladly drrl They'U do ir because it's die for. I don't approachtiiendship with conditionedinto rhem, a singl€mouldof How As long as everyone is and tlen either sian It Musl Be, I let it feelingresiricted else being honest (in cl uding or evolve at its o$n pace, go and stan sexual beinghonestabout and if it seemsgood reiations wilh another misgivings jealousies), then things conlinue or person clandestinely and deepen. I don't then what happens (most customers of make any promises of consenting adults being togeth€r forevet prostitules are married befweed is up to them. men).This is clearlynor wejust know that we're healthy.Ir is dishonest to dere because $orth ii's the pemon who still thinlc they're the iaandlookslik€ it will continue be so 1o "oirly one", andthe otherpanneris being for somelime to come. dishonest vith thensel\)es by p€rp€tuatinga relationshipwhose temls I don't set anyj€alousy fiom any lriend they clea:lydonl believe in. becaus€ spendtime with someone I €lse, they understand that it is inpossible for The solutionis HONESTY llave the onepersonto b€ the whole world for me, courageto be rcall) honestwith vou.rself and know that f still love them and am and the p€ople around you aboul who rhere for thern continuously.So ;t is the you are and what you need, ard once samewith the ftiends who I havesexual that's established then work on being relations with. As long as everyoneis together.To pretendrhat you don't feel being honest (including bein' honest or believe stulT in whenyou do redly (or aboul misgivingsor jealousics). rhen thal you dd when you do, r really) will $'hat happens betEeenconsendng adulls only cause problems in other patu of is up to them. Therc may w€ll come a your life. lf you push the pressure down nme agsin when someoneis in my life from above,i1'll start warpine the sides. who is so captivaringI don'l even think So,from the slan, honestyis boththe key about sexual stuff with someoneelse. I may be in the early stagesof thal right now. As long asthat\ what's bestfor me And I say again, this is against and that pe|son. all would be dandy. 'lot monogamous relationships,they can be Sucha setup mayweli be yourpersonal glorious. I myself ha\,e spent long pref€rence, but unde$tandthat ,o,r 16

pe.iods of time happily and honestly embedded suchrelationships. they in But are rct the ,r/J way of peopleusings€x to express iheir love.

yefercnce is not a univrsal notal la'|. said, only dirb thing the As LennyBruce is you can do 10someone to hurt them. we know dlat superficially "liberaled" pomiscuous junk sex is just anodtr repression.Tha! is why we don't condone it. But ihere are other s€xual your iwo optionsof activitiesbesides single-pannerexclusive relationships and uncaringsclf-gralifying junt sex Your assertionthat "people ndiler, ffi1 things, or sex" is a trifle odd. Peopledo indeed matt€r, bltt the idea of people nirr.Jr, thjngs or sex?That gives us fte ctdstian heavenvision, the disembodied sphil stuf. Mind. body. spirir - they're all aspectsof rhe sane thing. IhE ideas of As "christian PERSON. T says, heaveDand spnil s€rve to ali€nate la which are inshunents from our bodies, pain,feeliDg, andlove sex of pleasure, Loveyourbody.Loveyourself'. MaybeI've rakcnil all a bit too titemlly ' I hope what you meanis that we have to care abolrt one another,and noi get caughl in the bullshit of ownership, coisumerismand the kind moDey-status. fuck-as-manyof notch-on-the'bedposl, junk sexthing lfthat people-as-you-can \\?s youi point-the yes, we're absolulcly widr you on it. As Harpersaid h d€r/sr zine. "your pieceofthel.sr Godhaven enemieswanl you to $ay in your hovel. drugsed and deadenedby iunl t\ & computer gamesi cold music ihat says nothing, stay home afraid of crime, aliaid of anything ard €verything differenl, unknown, never talking to never smiling at peoplein the strangers, shcet, caring only for money,& rrlrgs & yours.lf'. So you se€.if You mean

Which brings me otr to the validity of us talking about ercrgy. I can ralk about sexual energy becauseI know what it feels like andwhat i1 is and what il does. "Scienceand lechnology How it does it, I've no It's somethiDg that are the religions of lie idea. We all do this, you 20thc€ntury,no more,no bothersme a lot, our included.I've no idea less," says Ha4er He's sexistvocabulary. Ther€ io\, my body lakes right. Look at the role of are dozens words for leutils and cakes and of religion - to €xplain the pasta aild converts it "penis", each drive behind, pu.pose, into the energy that's function and future of appropriate to ditferetrt moving my fingerc as I things, and to engender ciicumstances, very write this. I've no idea but hope, ard you'l1 se€that few for "vagina", almost llov a video recorder in 20th century wes.em all ofwhich are childish, works, bur I canuseone perf€€tly well, I can t€ll cultule we look to derogatoryor clinicrl. the diference between science for this. Wtilst Little boysare taught one thar wo*s and one sciencewould appearto explain a lot of stutr, we th&t they havea "willy", thal doesn't, and I can can all agreethat the.e is whereaslittle girls are put a plug on one so il still more to discover. givenwords like can g€t the eleclricity il "front needs. No academic Thereforewe do, t know bottom" and "ioilet it ail. And science an has understmdinga1all, but parts", if they .re eveD a functional knowledge odd kDackof disprovins givetrrdordsat all, ofits purpose usage. itself when it finds new and lt's the sarneahing. things tbat dor'i tally wiih the old underslanding. Copemicus and calileo's Fooflhat the eanh in fact tt perturbed us thal in lhe midst of goesmund th€ sun,tkough to quantm wriling about your misgivings with ou! physicsits€f, thereis a long tradiiion of allegod infercnc€sin the "sexyomlit" new understanding totally defenestrating piece,you r€fenedto our "usingthe term cunt to d€m€aniryly describea woman's dle old. Don't believe scienseknows it and vagina - speaksto me of crassness all. Ir's just rror€ knowledgeas we seeit at the momenl. Even then, there ar€ insensitivity - reference to comrnodity oiheG who uDderstandit difrerentl]'. again". The sexyoualit_article doeslrot There are p€ople who can will a glass use the word cunt anywh€ie. Ii does, ho*€ver, appearin the "Vague& Hasty across roomto smash on a wall, lhere a it Scrawlings On Censorship"piece, in a aremonksin Tibet who cadmel! a circle t8

- il implies not only that quantum physics underslands everything that thereis 10know about ali things that we call energy, thatthereis no otherway and to underslandit, but atso that until one has an academicunderstandingol the workings of something,one camot llave a valid opinion of its tunc1ion.I'll deal with thesetwo ihings one at a time.

of snow 16 feet round, these peoplo know ,o1' they're doiDgit, but not in a measulable-bt-wes.em-science way. (Seethe "HeroesAnd Villains" article in Godhavenn).

paraeraphcokdenni g the urderhanded sexism of rape depiction in films, in a the sentence condemning idea of cunt as commodity.lt is not usedin a demeaning \ray, the conten is clearly and overlly enti-sexisl-Wllal you're really objecting to is not the a) it's used,bui its use at all. I1's somethingthat bothersme a lot, our sexist vocabularJ.There are dozens of words for "penis", €achapprop ateto b diferent circumstances, tlery few for "vagina", almost all of which are childish derogatory or clinical. Little boys are laught that th€y have a "willy", whereasli{le girls are gi1,enwords like "front botlom" and "toilet pans", ifthel are evengiven wordsal all. Men can15lk about theil dicks or nobs or cocks, but for women ,ll the choices have demeanirg ovcrlones - qurm, twat, snatchandso on. Ii boihersme too that a man who is a fool is dismisscd as a waiker or tosset a woman as a slag There are no common opposrte the and equivalents, they perpetuate idea who hasno sexis *rong, and a of a man womanwho hasloadsis \!rong, this id€a of what you call "male sexualpredatory instinct" (thoughI disputethe useof the word instinct - this predalor & pley, victor & th€ vanquished idea is ,o. pandemicin hurnans). nearequivalent A is $e (thanlfirlly ouf of a male "slag" dated) word "stud", which has praise

disiinctions. The word "crlnf' has the ssmeroot as the word "cunning" andthe Scotlish"ken" (rneaning"to know"). and also the namcofthe Wiltshire,Eerkshire warerway the River Kennet. The root of word means"the giver/preserver life", and "sourceofwisdom". I like that. how can lfwe don't haverhevocabulary, we talk aboul things? We can rcclattr thesewords. If they're rlsedby the amiopFessors, they are stripped of their power - good exarnples beiry oppressive in what's happened the last 10-15yeals wirn "nigger", and particularly "queer". ziDe, Given the contextof lhe Godhaven article, the the conlent of lhe c€nsorship poinl of ihe para$aph and ils bracketed suffix. we think that it is abundandy clear thal the useofthe word cuni is not demeaning.Other options were too clinicalor loo chiidish. This is a big point, though.Th€ language helps define the culture. lf we can discusstlings, we can sFead ideasand information, encouragethe things we In discuss. Englandwe baveno Bord for "zeitgeist" (meaning "the spirit of the age", morc or less). No wonder the Germanshave a Crltur'e Minister while the Brilish counterpart is a Heritage Minister - one looking at past, prese.t and tu1ure,the olher jusr ar rhe past, r€ally. By the sametoken, the Germans have no word for "subtle". The neare( one means "very fin€ly judged", not quite the sam€thing at all. I hope I'v€ clearedup yow concems.If yolr w&rt 10 meet uP and discussstuff, I'm inlo it. Let me krow. You c€rtainly causeda cufufile round
l9

a Setagainst this, we needed word to lrse. many of my female Cunt is rhe woid fiends use,andwe useit too. Weneedto /e.l.rtr this word. 11 wasn't originally obscene. Thesewords, including "tuck" your own belov€d"bollox" (actually and an &ciert word lbr "priesB'l \lewnade obscene in order 10 dralr class

theseparts,f'articularly with your letier's home without Da Phonque.Much love fiIst recipientHarp€r,not because we've be upon you :rlways, been criticised, but b€cause many of so Mer[ick WV O'Phagus the allegdtions were conptetelyunttue. T Harper And that bit wh€re you redid the "adveltis€ment" cenhesFead- either PS: I've jllst showr my friend Kirsty you love fucking about with your your letter and she'smadetwo points; computer,or eise you were feeling l) Godhavenis not esp€cially "big on inordinately cruei rhat day. What we conspiracytheories"- but tap marks in were doing with that was expressing that department to our old chumsdre go what r,!€ feel every advert is saying. I Catholic Chuch - buming witches, llate it when I'm warching Nonhem anyone?Excommunicaling hereticsuilo Exposureor something said ,thal maybe the equally wonderirl, ody "Why is non-mologamous eanh isn't the cenrreof to b€ a(acked wiih sexsupposedly vacuous? &e universe? The If SHUTUP! BUY THIS! I wontedvrcuoussexI'd centuries of the IT'S SMART!,whichis Spanish Inquisition? go atrd get marriedl I'm what Papa & Nicole, 2) I'll give you her siudiouslynonHugh Laurie, Danny exact Dordq "Why is Baker and all the othen monogamous because I non-monogamous sex are really saying. No don', want selfishor supposedly vacuous?lf wonder London vacuous sex!tl I wanted va€uous sex deadens people I'd go andgetmaniedl everywhere you go I'm studiously non-monogamous you'r€ reading adverts, and you can't becauseI do,l want selfish or vacuols choosenor ao.I s?s on a bus in Leicester the other week and they had an advertisingTV on it with speakers above Love life. Be good."It's easy- all you every altemate seat! (TV is apparendy wone in other countries - ad breaks every 5 minutes and noneloo,subtle techniques,say folks who've been to Austmlia and the USA). But anyway,I found it odd whatyou addedro the pi€€e; "sl€ep around", "hav€ more varied and ftequentsex","havegood sex".Do I take it that you think having bad or dull sexis better? tlaying occarional, infrequenl andunimaginativesexis somehowgood for p€ople?lf anylhing, ihe advenisers encourage marriageand siull - a nalion ofthe Oxo family is €asierto markettoBe cool, b€ groort/, nnd don't leave

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2t 20

S'X IS NO?THEIMPORTANT THINC
. 4J MlthaetAtuno ot Lll€. Lol us oach move In the dlrectlon of that form of Inch3tv6, Intlmato lov6 whlch ls most approprlal€ for ler b6lng t.u€ to our36lvos and talthful to tlro.6 wlth whom we ar6 In a reladon3hlp. Moe63, lhough hs had l€d tha lsraolll.3 toi torly yoars through tha d6!€rt, waa hlmaolt only abla to roe the proml9od land, not cntor lL So, too, glven our pel3onal lasuoa, tomp6raments, and' llfe.elturlton3, aon€ of u3 nay be abla to envblon a panfalthfol comnunlty trlbellk€ wlthooi belhg ablo to tllly exporlanco tho 36xr|al dlinonCona of lt ouis€lvos, Ihaf3 O(. Wo can 3tltl cnntrlbuto o{r onorgl6a to the c.u3o. lho dooD ocolo4r appro.ch to llfa 15ior th6 tong ial|1. "ft b hlghly prcbable that taxuat actHty, Indeaat tha frcnottc vlth Pfeoccupatton tex th.t charrcterbes Wettatu culturc. b tn many caaet not tha expr€E,ilon ol lex|ral ,rteneaf et a , but hther a aaarch lor the ta s'.actlon ol the neeat lor a-on'5ct' - khlay Montagu

they are paa ot ths 3amoabldlng falth...lhe 3un stlll se3 ev6.y mornlng; In-' Dlg 'How wlll the men of tomo ot,, Ilve hls sexual ufe? wlII he have won WU he have Crcatet lnnet f'eoalom? destroyeat tha tyanry of tlenttalIly and rcplactal lt by e morc atlsc'eta fotm of etottclF,rt,morc wldesprca4 more contnuntcatlre, petmeatlngall rclaflo|lAhlp6?" -Slarare Snook 'We ate hl€hly' pefiaP lrctlnctlve' the - condltlonedto er@t€6s enediy ance It becorne. 'soxual. CenltErv But lrcm enother perspec've what we catl soxual energ ls icutaw a fioale of afrentlon. lf we fuee our attendon out ot the Eeoltaltmamlc anat romeln present fot enatgY, aofiel,lnr eke berlt'Eb happ?'n" /ltors, Rlchad 'Nurtu nE CotumunW' rclatlonthlps ete "Multlp.rtner lnherefitly moae compLx enal ones' tlntl ateman than monogat'|ous Contequenw, skength da v6 ltum ovarcomlncthe klnt,3 ol o,6tecl€5 ant ha.dahl!6 ptoneershave alweyx ot lacod. fhe chatlenec4' explo ng, nCwwats ol rclath€,ln{ma'fry a6 no tlng than tho6c tac'd by l€ss deman the lnuepld explorcBwho taltaatovar flat the edgeof a suppo€edly wotLl" Dabo6h AnaDoI Ther6 ls a glreal r€od for domoBtlc ploneol3 our day- pooplo wio aae In nsw models wllllng io rbk €xplorlnS' ot nairlage, famlly and commtrnlty; n€w modols ot falthtul, lovlng

Whllc love6 may naturally rolato mora d66ply and honartly than frlonds, eenLal aex k by no /',eaa|s,€c€3tary for Eenulno communltyl lnataeitl pregontly, glvsn tho rollgloui a|td cultlr.l anll-aoxual clndRlonhg |nost of t|3 oxporLncod growlng up, gsnttal oxpre3llona of trlondshlp wlthln communlg rnay bo cour*6rprodlctlve, at l€a3t Inltlally. lhe moat lmportant sl€rncnt In a[ Intlmato lov6 *filch lg Inclualve, rathcl ihan oxclu3lv€, 13 "lovhg physlcal touch" or ,'phFlca y aftsctlon.lo plea{ro", not gonllal Al Jln Oodge, a de6p ocologlst rnd atlmulailon, For meny peopls In oua blofoglonall3t 3ald, 'lloal ot th€ cultur€, thls wlll rroan glvlng a||d Peopl€ | talk wlth fG.l r{o hay6 a rocolvlng body ma36aEos, wlthoul flghtlng chance to stop onvtronm. al bolng genhally loxual o. erotlc, deatructlon wlthln tifty years and to turn tlia cult[r6 around whhln 800 to lllo3t of ||3 WostonoB tond to 3eo 3ox 1OO0 y€.rr. 'Flghtlng chance' 6a a aubdtanoe, aa aomo-thrng rvg do, translato! .a long oddB but good Wo feyo aox or ,reka lov6. And llks compaly, and blor€glonatbn 13 other B|,bitahc63, w! ars qulto oaslty obvlou3ly dlrect€d rl p€opb wtth a addlct6d to s€L Our 6xp6rlenca la llttlo gambl€ ln th6h blood. Slnce we radlcally allft€rotrl from th6 trlbal wont llve to 3€e tho .63!ib of thl! oxpedonco of !6xoal love aa a neltral hopod tor tramfornEtlon, w€ mlgft a3 6xpr6salon of oner3rolattomtl! to the wall start lt rlght, wlth th€ fln6.t land, tha c!fimunlty and th6 cosrno3, oxpr.3dom of aphh and style rvo can We n6€d to bo patlont wlth our3otvos, mu3tsr, koeplng In mlnd th6re ls onty a ard wlth 6aoh other, a3 wo look to th€ functlonal dlft€i6nce bstwo€n the futuro, truttln, ln tha ongclnJ plocee3 flowEi and the root, lhat 6$6nttatty

Inilnacy. Ths exlondgd tamlly, wlth ssvs.al gsnofatlon3 llvlng onder one roof, charact€ib€d Amorlcan 3ocl6ty untll early thl3 century, wh6n €conomlc change tolcod the cryctrllballon of iho nuclear famlly compila6d of 6 wlfG, hu3band and tholr chlldren. lh6 nuclear famlly, gon6.ally oonBlderedth6 baslc unlt ot Amedern tamlly llfe, ha3 b6cn tho flimly a3iablbh.d no]m for tho past fltty yeal3 or 30. l{ow lt, too, !€enrs to b€ pasdng lftb b to be encourag€d, a3 lt3 Bldo.ffecl3 aro a nlg!*n|are to. the planet, lhe bolated nocleat famlly nay bo tho lea3t .ultalnable, moat €xpenrlve and ecologllcally deatructlve form ot human 3oclal organballon that evel oxbt€d, We must craato sustalnabl€ communlll€3 or dle. lt la that slmplo. li s66rB llk6ly that nuclear famllles wlll coon co.oxbt wlth muftl"adult llvlng gtoup3, or Intentlonal exlended famllles, Such 'oxDanded ianlllos" ol 'Dods" wlll conslst of n6lworks of Intlmate ftl€nd3 who may oi may not llve togethel, and for who.n the gog3lblllty of .oxual Involvom€nt wlth €ach other ls opon. MonogahouS couDle+ a3 w€ll as tho6€ who choos€ to be cellbate, wlll happlly co-exlst wlthln thb codext. "If the potentlal fot oublde sexual hdmacy k ac.epbd W cllrptes w''o rcco6 tke the need ,or such lnput on ava et! of levets, then tfia prea3!rc bond beclttes tte rea, cament lor a - RoberaFtancaeur
Fm P.ntd.rlty p.n 4 by l{lch..l Alui.i Gd' mg.|m hl 17, m ,r4 Sorln! 1994 E g

.r
Faithful To Many
Although thercarc no accidents,came I to the pracliceof polytidelity accident by I met this womanunderOctoberskies. She told me fromlhe startthal she had anolherlover and that they were nonmonogamous. Myself having recently moved out of a long{em coupling, it seemedthe p€ifect plac€ lo just have a little fling beforegoing on to whoevermy next teal' loverwouldbe. And then we From that beginning, lmoved into a painlul liberation. In place of my conditioned thoughts about love, inlimacy, romance and relaljonship, now have a I new way of b€ing in the world. The practice of polyfidelity becomefor has he a oeep ano ever expanding value system. Polyfldelity: Faithful to many... faithfulto all ny friends...laithfulto myself me. earlhwhichsuslains re'ationships a way that is passionale in There is an awakening spirit in the of decision love as feely as possible io i. any givenmomentThis is not a version of monogamy wilh more than one pe|son.lt is the promise one'sselfio to The eadh makeslovelo us be present. holding everyday.A kisswjtha slranger, hands with a friend, flirting, dancing, making love,all as the momeni allows.
S€r is ibf bonding Sd h ior comnllMg will spnir dd $ith ea.L oth€r and sensirSou ou social ?la.e in the whole of.reatior' lab.i. and our sPnitual udest nding dc tbrough 2000 urayelling bccause {. hiv. of t€a.hing thar se{ is sjntul rnd should )e&r b€ conllned to pro.reatit€ necessitJ i! a aU btrt nonogamou\ union de'tr,)ed $e porvennl ror.e *hosc pu.pos. is lo link us l{,geticr. Sexual expre$ion in Ddigflt$ cuitlr€s, sonctim€s in ritu .ont.{t, bolds lhc oup (nor just t& mating Patr) gr r.getie. It becones a dnisive force only wheo ue inpo"e hnits on irs expre$ion, arrili.i particularl) tor women, and spi.itlally $r ..eare d endr,ing li.lag€ rhich ldts till the cnd of |ime Blt rhat &e rhe implicdtions ot such ll@tedgei trG &. all wouded ii our .alacitv lor loiDg rehtiorslips. w. are $oud.d in $e lane lvai that ou culture is woudcd. We har€, rs a pcople, Srom .liaid b lovc {hen tic sl,n it nor€s us. ,\n{l .o ve slecpwJL througl thc

Sex ls For Bondingl
lnplicathtns ol tle Unlonol saxan l splrtt to. Lota' atieto aN the ram /
by Deloran M An4.t, PhD. Dlreclor ol tne lnllltcl R@!re C€r t€.

As ananyadventure, learnas we go. we Hitting up againstfear, go for lening olmy need' some one other person to depend on, feeliflg angryat the depthol the social condilioning to own and be owned, lhe despairing at inadequacy language of -J descdbe to what lam doing,feeling frustrated my iflabilitios love in the to by by way that I want.ThenI am comforled one has Wltig: 'Iherc w8s The issueof how manypeople the wordsof Monique a a tme when you were not a slave, sexwithis a iacelolthis lfestyle, facet Ihave that dfaws the most attention. rcnember that You walkedalane,full ot this as laughler you bathell barebellied. You cometo undorstand question only th€ first layer of undoingconditioned nay have losl all ,ecollection of it, relationship .€sponses. Wthin this remember.you say there arc not words question several olhers. are b dscnbe it, you say it does not exist. But remenber Make an etforl Io \ryhoowns my body?\ryhatdoes it mean rcnembea or failingthat, invent.' to be sexual in diff€€nt contexts?\M]o way thisnew"old madeup the rulesaboulhowmuchI can And so we mustinvent sh6re with otherc?What are my own of being- ll is aboul being fully lhsm in th€ fully lo rulesand how do I discover ompowered, ablelo respond ,ife, tully midst of so much social ch€ltef?And fullysexlal,tullyin connection, free. if are mosl irnporlantly, eroticen€rgyis the It is fromthis plscethat revolulions stufi of litu, ho,ncen I be presenlto all my

This is not a versionof monogamy with more than one person.

.elationship lbrdr such .s srial mcd.gmy rathc. than up io the rcality ol 'aLing rvithotrt lnnirs, Serial loYi.g mon.,gam! can be r liler, eithcr/o. sel)mtiYe, apprca.h 10 loYinq. lr sys onrol ard po*ss your prrmcr. md tl." rade iun or her ih l'.r a nev one. The concept of id! without linis, {hi.h n €xplaincdin my book us wcrc The scx negative Tp.oa.l nmv of 'Lore lvithoul Linits: jhe Q!es1 For . Ii\ nast), ifs rai.scdsith says,do!'t do substantial l4tinat Rclarionship'. all.ws ibr a sintul, ii\ drsgustirg Tle sexual liberalio. more inter.cti\r, inler.omeded, trofi /and $id, do it * mn.h as)ou moren.nt of the 609 apprarch to loving 11 involvN cm.lt\ hrnles tun, iL good Ib. sexualozting urdcrutarding and rcspecting Thir is m!.1 ledlrhier dran vou. qre you fdder, Dd if need be, lhe sex ncgatjve approach be.ause rel.ttionships pernit ing moie lld onc loYe ii naLes selJ'a..tlrd.c Possible, me&ntto r.latioNlip to co exht. h stdis b$ it still des lot cobpletelt rether trom tle prcmN enhance, ihal heal rhe split betu.cn s€x and tfuu hin.ler, our rexuabving relatnJnshipr ar. spirit. lhe re uion ol sex dd mcant ro enhrrcc, rather rha! spititual spi.i! ..mcs abour when l't go rpiritual one sl.p tuthcr b) eling sr n .leoeloprnent, hinder development.Decidiig $ho t{) sa.red, it\ psverfin, it\ la\'jng, be lexul *itlt is a iun tion of dis.trning the and rc should apprca.h it with iore, sith elTects our stiritual 1itc,nor 6vng n to on rcvercn.e, and slti c&ing lvc must .earisc pro or con. ln love social eape(.tjons that $!en sr irin sid drothd rexul\ Dd

We haoe,as a people, grown afraid to loaewhen the spirit us. moaes

25

,1

E irltrir l"','ri .tr'! l,', , , r . , r t r t r x ! r , n t i, n, , , r^krf , lrin tr. \ll,i, f . nhc , ih. n hoinS ertdnalh nnlnscd. Pa.ir.h mal conljolsl) and roluraril) cioose nonotamy.r rtr9, nay .h6se to be l;iilful to more thai one parher at a tihe. rhe poirt is dtar rou do not have to dis.dd one lorcr iiLe fnerd.yk g.rbage in ordef to lake on motier.I'stcad lou rccy.te. -1h. lo.m h .or rea|v importmr. Conscious chon e and natu.l €vohrrion de the [edt of the natr€i . The wouds b ou .!ltue, to olr tahilies, to ou loving r.h&flhiPs cd au h€ ued b) a ieinregrabn of thc leni ne clebent. fhis mflies a rhift, a taradiSh snnt oam.re intu itivc, .ootefatik, norvins, susbr.ablc sar ot .rPr€ssn{ ou rxuihr md slruclujng ou lovingrelationships. while all genders cortain both hascdine and leminine €lements wirh'n thcm, tiis shili ctuot occu wittrout som.n bling rhe lead in naking rhG chmge.4nd in fa(t, lru} of thc leadcre .i todar'r Poltdelit) movencnt are $ohen. As a g.oup, hcn tcnd b b€ nor in rou.h {i!h th€ir needs md desirc fo. m dple p&rne.s but 1rl often unsu..e*fulh tokeep $is hiddrn b€ctrue rhey are aftaid rhar women won 1 acccp|nem if rher adnit ro bei,g non nonogmous. or somctlme! th.y ae cven nore afiaid rhar women mav demard equat rights wooeD ha!€ expcrien.edthousands of yces or stonhg lbr aduhe.,, cha\ritl betl'\, burnirg at rh€ stale. and gene.al abu\e od hmiliation trod a male po$?r druclu.e desp€rarc b .ontrol the urul], f€hinine scxualnatu.c. A, a resull nary woocn ha,r begun to belj€re that nonogamr is son€tbiDg rhat sohen ne€d and 1va.t, raGe. thar someftiig dar was brural\. forc€d on rhcn br

, ! , r ur l ! t r 'r . n '. x , , t . 'r " . " ( h r t i r t i r , . rt\ wr nr n g . { b J ( k i 'r r o u ( h s i l h r h e i , n f j l tcnin,i.e spri1, rigrd rrd inhudrane rtrDda,di for loing relationships $,iI be unnAkcd N Ge tools for desbuction of ttr. human stirn

uion of r* Md spirit. As !.hicld lbr ou g.owth and resfbnnarion Be.ause our knoen optiols, dd perhaps ho.e importmtl), ou lormalire exPe.iencc been linited to hd dr€ nar6 experirlce .f $e isolrl.d nkled fmil) d it loses itr mchor il tbe disintcgranng exkrdcd ianilv, hady of ur h{€ sufercd nu.r tfam. in ou teilies, Thefe arc Powerfin fo..er rumng &.ou8h tmiti€s tove dd sex to nenti.n lwo. IheY gcncrat. powcrtul curents wlirh .an hut as hral. we oave erotic love ed e.staticsexualitv, liut s! aho 1ia. th.n ld.$ing ho$ poFedes se are in then path. hn't it safer to .reate rigid,ndllulions to contai. rhem, ero il k md up stranglingrh€lilc olt of iem In dr prcces? simileh, there have been pdrs ol u thar hate and fear rie edth, n'tue dd & {ilderne$ bccau$ dEy re r:a!. dangerous hdd to md enb ol . Prts who sa), if sc kill all the wnd be^ts, dam r h e r i r e . \ , .u t d o w n th . lbrests, pave over lie ha\h$; ihen n.ybc vr

He.lth!

As tttomenget back in touch znith their ndturuIfeminine spirit/ igid afld inhumanestand.ards for louirg relationships zaill be unmaskedas the tools for destruction of the human spiit thst theV flte.

e.osrreds are chraderhed l,y dircrsity. Bu1 $€ af. desr.o),ing rhe e.ology ol hmd lovinSi ol th. hunan .ohmury n tne lde way that the ecolog\ of rlc ertl has been violated. Th. rxualoljng eg valent of $. Rain Fofest is already sr closc 10 exrincri.n, tnat few pcople an) memo.v of it, Ancienr rituls cflebraring thc il.w ol tle lifc for.e though ou. bodies as it manif€sh as sxual energl de all bu( lbrgorte! MaD! vdicties ot

The monogamous nuclearfamily is too limited snd too nflrrou) to seroeas the unioersal looestyle.Inste&d u:e can think of all intentional looestylesas crucibles for the u ion of sex &nd spiit.

they re taboo, oil liniL\, to husirc$ ard commerce. Alkady, may r.ryi.es shn,h rve.e l6.hcrly provided bl inil) nemh.n h.vc b€corr. conhercial items - hous. .leding. chnd .a.c. cookinS, ga.dening, qrtcrtinn€.r, hcalft care. ()unfliirS, djsa$d reliel and spiritual guidanccto lme a fe{. If ahogcthcr w. $itl hNt fu pu.hNe o.l{xrk to rhc srarc to p(,vide em basi.ssu.h as ser, l.re drd chitd bearing. lhosc lvnhou suflicicnr ihcome will

clds. kjnshDsroup3, ['m ier -lribes,havealreadrdisappeded. nu.]ed Th€
fffiil.|' itself is an enddgo.d steci.s. When ir comes to se{ualorc, we livc in a .on(€ptual l,rison. Molt p.ople arc aware ot o.ly tlree oprjons for toresqtcs.]l)tr cm be single (uartachcd), ]ou .& bc in a ftonoganols .ouple, or you ce .h€at. rn rerliu. dcre de dozeN oi possibiliti.s. When I iouded IntiNd Resouce CeDt.r inl98t to hclp rai$e publi. a{arene$ abour rbe yalue of a rhole rangc of op.i.hs for ethictrl mulrifarher sexualoring rctarionships, r dis.oyer.d rlat mer |eopte bad dim.ltry €vcn uderstddin8 dE .oncept ot (spotrible non monogahr, But ir is mr con'iction rtar ir ordcr to t..serve tnc l;milv wc mus expdd rle boudaries. The honogahous nu.led tamilJ is 1.D hnited and too asthe unir€r$l lovcstrlc.Instead .d rbink ve ofall intenrjon.t lovenylesas..u.:iblcr f., tte

Wc love faailies. &d we alro hat€ thcm. Most of u3 iavc bccn raired in famili€s whtch ser€ dlstunclbnal in on€ sav or rnotler. so narbe i pet ot us would liLe ro see rhc familv disapped ahogetler 'llff\ c.rtainll $e sar lve re behang. But d.Ger fart of us tnorvs tlat the fanih a sour.e ol lovc rnd ^ ru'tu*nce and ca.ing. scx, I.ve, fabil), prenrinx liele llings retain D rura of sacred,cs in ou .ultue whid hea's that

qlen out ambiT) cet ou ard sex,looe, thefamily atd the wholeecology of humoflreldtedness had led us to thepoixt of destroyingthe oery thittgs 'whichmakeus human.

Ou anbivalen.e to tle plder hs led us to tLe edge ol nreprable destrudion of ou natuai enlifonment. rlopefulln thc .nvironme.ial/e.olog) movcmenr la\ a$akeDed us to rhar da.gef in time to rekrsc tlc prtres SimiLdb, ou 3nl,ivilen.. ros-a'd sx, lorc, the frmil) and th. $hoL ecologL of hunan relatedncs lud ied us to the poi.r of dcsroiing lle Y.r) thngs $hi.h nakc N bban Nos sr musl re Gcate a .!llure wlich hohours both Fx .nd spnn and suplDrt thc rela&,nshlps to $|,.h '.her gn! bir$.

Oligi aLl!

published it1

HEAD

26

27

THE 'S' WORD
I ranrt believ€ I'm acually dolm rfiir . nr goa to be up ther€ amongs;ma of ruta|ng rhhg (my words) on DaD€r "":.i-i-i.for om€rp€oplero r€adlm€an. lilnrltalnc

th€.hardejt .htnsst'*

occured tn dte cona€xtof a frlrly strbla mono,garnoor h€aeroraxu.l reLrlondtlp, So hera I am . hnd rever acru.lly sl€pa wlth a of en €arlng ln to uernaa. I fe€l falrly theprobl€nir thatsGiid th€ lda. of dolng a rure whlchls a pretty peEonal that at ti€ mofi€nt whole zin. |nyj€lf my rext .bout to flnd out f thin& has so bound got uD relationJhlpir likely I have enythlng to to b€ r'fth a worran, wift the polirjcat th; thar 5ay. The qoejtlon malnly b€quje I personal arpectof it haralmost cent lmagtnebclng that ,oJt ocqrr€d to me ll why got lost along th€ way. rDt€ to g.t th€ Doth€r, and | 8u€lj ._ | thlngr I want from kri cor.l-knowahatlf we're €vergorra any of lhe m€n lve net in rhe h$ fcw nde a tre wor0t tivlnS ard rny cortrot y€aR, apan frcm my prasrnt Dann€., over |t .nen wc have ao Jrrn mJdnr lt DutoDvlorjrlyth€r€are no runniees. so ror ou6alve5 riahrr ahantihn* wh;Cs at.ah?rromenr, h aftepdveq of rny own mar€. And lt re€mi that even lf I only m|nd, I would corulder myr€lf ao be r.ad .ttematfue 5tuff, |f I only re.d DBrxuat,bur I feel uncomfonableabout .na oon t con lbut€ than I,m idll r adoolr,tedgtng lhb Dublldy, beeu$ t @n5umcr, cin t 'prov€ h' so ao rD€rk, P.n of rft. btod( ro ,(ru.lly doinE .n).tfhg abouathb h.5 been ati f.€th; I glt rh.t lars 8ea to be ,solnetfin; r.rlouJ', but I (arrt 8eathe ldnd of nuf I me:n Dy ahat n.algft in tr|y h€ed, h ramatE a f.irt h|.uyfe€fin& so $uff ahat -.you 8tt B,t|rt you,r€ glvan (unl€$ you oo tt youretf), end I'rn glvhg nry falrtv p€Ronat lambllflSt on *xuallcy, coJ anat't wu'l o|| nry mhd.

s|€ mougit aharp€oplemigfit rhirt thh .I glqere ple of rhk quhe jo j(.ry ar I oo (t_Dtarna parenarl),but | fl*ur€ alta w€ p.fi dm€ ao do lomethlng rbout il'r

il?1il"1,J""ffi""9;il:T##fl * :HT,.'T'l;f.ilH1 :1? iTli* HiT#iili,i.f, ,i?;l,i i"fl im,;f; "fl H:"i;"f ":.'?:"i:1""i,rm
Ive gndui ly b€comeawaraahatwom€n md(e me hot too. Even rnore $ rfian m€n. to 0ra polnt wh€r€ ahGrarlo of

What's yours Called? Over. ahe part few yearj I'v€ baan rrpenandng an incr€erhg probl€m ln rt€ w.y I dellne ny jexu.lky. At on.

It up good Alaftolih I can 'iyla. udertiad wfty p€opl€ g€t fld up {l p€ople thay s€e 15 ,umplng on the birexuallg faihion ble bandwagon,I do r$enr tfie fad thit rfiy rcxualltyr€emj to b€ $ dor€ly tied ro |ny b€fiavlour ln mo.t peopl.t mlnds(j€€nrslt\ OK to be a h€taroa€xurlvlrgln but not a bbexuel on€, and erl,way, ['lut about detlre, emotbfi and boll€fJ ar well i3 b€havbur). I eko r€J€lt tle fact lhet som€ peoDle would feel iu$ifi€d ir denylng the reality of fiy experLnc€j, .nd lelllng me how h rcdt lj. Ar far as | <an le€ tlie problan h that t€xualhy, whldt b . pr.tty p€ronal thln& h:' got 50 lround up wftb the poliaical thet tha p€Fonalejp€ct of lt hal

almoJt got loar along dle way. la 3a€ms dro rhat we .re eflowlnaours€lv.! to b€ defined fron th. outside rnd ar€ ln dang.r of b€lng purhed Into a nunb€. of lll.fittlng boxer wher'|tlall a! rhould be bre.klng doyn walb. AII of whldr mernr of cou6€ tfiat thi only thhg I cando b b€ gp frcn! .bow how I d|oole to d€flne nyi€tf .nd tefl d|ose rvlro wouldwirh to do k dmer€ntly to go fud tfiemt€tu€r.

Wrtr4tArdt tO ta tt/ Wen6.tl,1e,.rrw., o'f h, ta zta. rh. tedd. cH & tDgfi.n wctN Jxx

o€Dmg e v€ry re.l l|.n of who I am. I (a.r't re€ any €iry way, oua of th€ dfl€lnma €fthcr. I don'a want !o ,lecD wrtn JorFon€ mcrely !o prov€ i Dolr|t. I don'a went to rhrow a{/ay a relationflo | €nroyto do thrt €Lfier, and eldoudr we v€ dllori*d non-monogamy, donlt I reer t'h ruffld.rdy jon€d edodondly ao DeeDt€lo d€l wlth ft wttt|out fuctrtn! ?3

lJ,, iil*#"T,.?'n-fx.lli t",,$fl

Me...you....us I disgust m5nelf you sicken me in blissfi oblivion to the force that brought us here we oil the cogs of ttre machine witJr our conformative uselessness we lost the spark relinquished the fire so stoned we didn't notice it slip away tlds is no release,you ale merely mrnb and who commits tlte greater crime tlre blind, or those who see and look ana;r? and slip quietly into an easier reality

$ EPTVATION' ON trEAT.OU'T
lUXA ''III<HA:L
For ltmy people rhe {eu th.t they rirht Sweys of battered wond hdicate that not be ihe total solurion to iheiJ pancr's male *nal jealousyis the leadinenorive ir nor-fatal wife beatiogtoo. rcedr for lore od inrinacy cm be a muce of treEendous anxiety ard pain. Iqha! cd be eveo nore paiotrrt is the discovery that. How th€ n,.th of isolated oonogmy in fact, oae is not the total solutio! to their iatersilies normrl jealo*y co be seo by pamer's needs love od inimary. Ifheo for imgiring a couple rhat dcs lot h€lieve itr t*o people in a reladonsbip alsue rhat the n1th. Ifheo a couple aisuder ihat edh panner will probably aot b€ ablero salis{y erch should be $L to snisfy the othe6 all of the other's ueds Jor lo* and evely Ee4 n ca be a ctushidg blow ro iftiMy, dd they !€rMir honest dd open ooet prid. to learn that this hd not been with each otLer, the the case. Fea!, alrer, jealouy, dd a *!s Oncefree oftbe one-and- chrces of nomal of jealousy escalatinghto havirg beeo betrayed, only+oal-mate mytb, a violeoe *e signficedy oi:ed with feelings oI pelson cLn nore re^dily &ge*ed oace {ree of seFralfailuft andFrsonrl dcceptthat tbey are the one-md-odly soul. ina&qucy ofte! folo*. Bate d)th, I persor cd lor:eableand wonbu bile more te*lily acept thet It is lpical oI weste they are loveable and huos who we sffer a eoettif tbeir Pdrtner fnds another, or otbers,to be wonhwhil€ e.en iI theil bloq io our pride, or vhen we feet agry, hoedble and wonbwbile. p*ner fiads uothet, or je.lous or bdnye4 lhat othen, to be loveablead q'onhwhile. The Jac1 is we wet to blaln€, judge that we aie a loveabl€ or sonehow sttile bacL, and wonh*hnq j6t 6 nake tle offeoding pany we ai€l 'pay' for our sufferins In rhir wry, the o)'th of At rhe deep€st l€'el, isolat€d monogany can jealousy is seoeraly anplify nunal jealousy rooted in a sublioioal .o . daot.rous and senseof alieotioo of the strtimes deadl)' pitch. larger body of Lile, the As D.ly dd VilsoE note creat Beloved. Whe! book Sa, i0 theii people uperience dea*lves o isolated Behaoia*, 'M,le senal Eaolstion and jealousyis {ar od a*ay the leading ootive beiags in the urive6e, iathe. thin as ouifestatioos of:he udverse, they feel th* i! ,pos.l hodicide in Nonh Aoerica, ud rhe eovironrcnt is 'ou. there', *prrate alrlost cenaidy thioughout the world. If froE thed. Then lhey tend Io be far mft we hclude disputes b.twe.n nen ovd love and grooe to addictive/possesive woneo, then nale senal jealousyoay well behaviout thm those who have a dtep be the nsmber one notive in alt homicidls.

sonlric *nowledge of therrylves 6 oE€ with th€ divers€. The thoushr oI losils onet beloved p,nner cd b€ padculdb' ter.ifyins if one already{eels,ar sooe level of consiousness.alienated{rom the Great B€lov€d.It is like putting salt in u existing

The more oc {eels ooeselJro be i! deep comuion wnh the cre:t Belove4 rhe eaier it beones to love upossssiveln and the edi.r it beotc to tld Tihe, Life ed Narue. The feu of losing a panma ad the consequent d.*e ro exercise .oltiol over 1

panuet's behoiour, t,"icrlty l€ss.ns. k becooes e*ier to loYe one's bcloYed uacoudftiorally because of the &ep avar€ne$ rhat rhat is hor the Great Belovedloves u. It also beconer e6ier to love rhe perso4(s)of whon ooe is jealou, beaue they too ne visible expresioro of the Great Beloved.There is perbapsaothias more coluuiq, enlanciag @d spiritualy upliftirg tho ooviag from fear aad iealousy, through pain, to e.eptdce,

Thefact is tbat
7aedre all

and loaeable anrtbwbile, just asa)edre!

I I

Thepluralistmusf also be one of the mosl reassuting eloquenl and women on earlhlo assuage lover'spain over a Ang and unfaifhfulness. defensiveness angershowher up for a meansPoiler, not a greal lover.lf gou insiston plaging love-lhe-one-gou're-wilh the game:focue. Conince lhe hurl woman vouloveherjust how muchgou do love her. Invesleffort fo morelhan in equal whal goujust sPenf dalliance. Yourhearl is otherwise poor to loo afford cheapthrills.
lrcmThe LesbianLore A&r;rol by Celestewest, Cleis tuess,SanFrancisco,1989. 3l

30

March 1994 poll, NewWomanmagazine' readers' Female
58yo hadhad sexwilliryly with a man otherthan their husband 8670 had thoughtaboul having arl affair 847o of thosewho had afrairs didr't tell their husbads. 607o oftbose having atrairsalso describetlemselvesas "happilv married" 547o ofthose having atraimdid not feel al all guiltv aboutit 587o telieve their maniageis the sameor b€nersinc€having an afair because they still love him. 467o of thosehavingali'airs stay marriedto lheir husband society?I rlink not Monogamous

TOWARDS A NEW CULTURE
Dy D. Oiea.r Duh|n Wander€rsIn The Desert It took thJce billion years for life to cvolve from the cell to the human being.That process shedssomelight on dre magnitude of what we are dcaling with when we try to see the phenomenon of the human b€ing in a natural framework. Wherc do we stand today in the process of b€cominS human beings, and which act of creation lies alrcad? quantum leap of change such as occurs when water turns to st€am. The evolution of humankind seerns to stand b€fore inminent mutational change. History, in all its variations, has shown that when humankind embarl$ on a certain course, it Boes all tlre way. This time going a[ the way would mean its own annildlation.

parts of the cunent cultural trance arc pretty I think the most dangerous obvious: male domination, materialism and the absenceof spirit. Monogamyis anotherone in there.Theseare cultural styleswhich, if nor overcome,will probably contribute to oul ev€r more rapid acceleration toward, if not extinction, at leasta prcfound brutalisationof life
'IERENCE MC(IENNA

belongsto them, like saysthat someone It's hiladousto me when someone to "That'smy girl". Whata crock.No-onebelongs anybodyFuckslavery. you want...Such mentaltormentover petty,trivial emotional Do what up. You loosen it's suchasjealousy; a form oflaziness. all should displays
HENRYROLLINS

t2

Tluough our historical For the part of pact we s€€ a wave that wants of humanitv in a human€ It is a question coming toward rc that to survive a is gaining momentum disempouering and intelligent wa, at a terrible rate. there is now one theme spiitually, Creaied some time and one task: to coand emotionally around the op€rate in achievinS seventeenth century, it sexually bankrupt th€ traniformation is the wave of big from the cultural era way of life, &nd industy, of population based on the laws of explosiorr al.ld of larte profit to an €ra based anyofle who csn technological wais. on substitute somEthing arelaws of life. The two usually one could perhaps say is that it is the wave of better contributing diametricaly opposed humankind becoming to each other; mo6t of to this a pla]letary being in its the organisational disempozuerment.forms and habits of filst and most unconscious phase. behaviour of the old Today this wave tlueatens to bieak. lt em therelor€ cannot be incorpoiated has not yet brokerL but it may do so into th€ ne ' one. On the contrary in the near future. Modern overcoming the old ways is nec€ssary civilisation is dding its crcst. Further if a humane survival is to be aclueved building up of its typical parameters at aL This need fo. dunge applies to of indushial growth, armament, the existing forrns of economt city pollution and planning, energy use and land us€. It cnvironmental emotional misery wifl result in a applies to the whole area of 33

technology. which, what with our alieady diminishing resources/ will have to reorient itself during the nelt 50-100.yeals toward entirely new materials and processes. More important it also applies to the inner sph€re of our lives, our emotional, sexual and sPidtual ways of living and our rclatlons to each othet and these are the areas in which the human b€ing js dir€cdy comected to liJ€ from within. How is the transformation to occut and who will bring it about? Th€se become so questions have unanswerable &at one could becom€ cynical. I\&at shall we do with the hyp€rhophied cities, the industrial monst€rs, and the traffic compl€xes iI they are no long€r n€eded in the coming era? Who - and with what political mandate - should build a decentralised e.ological society at a time when the appalatus of production and distribution is more cenhalis€d than ever? Who should take power away from the mighty, the monet from corrupt 'necessities'? Who witl eliminate the power of social status, who will change our daily habits - including those of the self-professed opponents of the system? Who? Thir question conc€rdng tlrc 'revolutionary subiect' can no lonSer be answered with sociological or political economic theolems, b€caus€ what needs to be revolutionised today is exactly that'inner pait' of the human being and of society where such categories are no lonSer relevant. The revocation of powers

needed today is taking place in other aienas, not at those t€rricades where police old-style the and revolutionaries clash with one anothei. It is more a questlon of a spiritually, disempowering emotioaally and sexualy banlrupt way of life, and anyone who can substitute something better is to this conhibuting dis€mpowerment. Th€se activities need to come out of hiding so that they might unite meaningfully with other similar attempts to create a stronS force Ior the future. For this to happen a generally valid cultural and political concept of an owelall alternative ne€ds to be develope4 an open conc€pt that encourages development. Al1 those who are actively giving thought to our present condition are beginning to a8r€e that in rcality nothing is more impork]lt than to develop a positive total alternative, based on a new comprehensive and convincing idca

Non-violence, aPPeaiances. and democrary, Srassioots decentralisation - these are slogars and not yet manilestatione of will what does som€one who wants grassroots democracy ieally stand for as a human being? Only when PeoPle know themselves so rnrel that they can say with cettainty what they as hulnan beings want and when they have liberated thenrselves ftom their ideologies to the point where they can freely commurucate, only then can they lormulate cultural and political concepts that do not sidestep their oe'n true motives. So long as they camot do this, they are like two yranderers who drag themselves thiough the burning heat of the desert discussing political or moral questions. Suddenly they come uPon wat€r and run off and ddnk like anirnals. That was what they had been missing.

the lorbidden fruit trom th€ tt€e of knowledge - and they knew each other (in Hebrew tlle sarne word is used for knowing and tavin8 s€x), therefore they had to l€ave Paradise. What does thie fantastic equalling of cognitio& sexuality and sin say about the essence of sexualitY? It says at least this: that sexuality, ie the fact of the polarity of humanlind and t]rc ensuing striving for rmio& does not serve solely. the cause of biological reproductiory but takes a sPecial place in total hur1an develoPment The potential for insight and dev€lopment inherent in seruarity is of tlle rnagnitude of early mYstical knowledge, although we today choose to view it in a somewllat more dispassionate way. Sexuality is a fundamental i$ue in hurn€jl destiny and human culture.

In r€ality, except lor one tldng. Now, as we approach the heart of the matter, w€ s€€ that such positive concepts are compr€hensive practically non-existent. The Maixists live on nostalda; the tide of theiapy has stalled in individual problemsolvin& and spiiitual innovators are often so bizarre that their b€haviour suggests spiritual disoder rather than healing. The envimnmentalists fiom and the activists the counterculture as a rule know much better what they are fighting against than what they are fighting for Her€ we should not be taken in by

u

A pe$on who looks at or reads good pomography and does not brush it off through hasty indignation may Th€ Importance Of SexualitY find that it affects the body in a sudd€n rush. Wrlat Love is a patt of the is Sexuality a are we dealing with magic of liJe, and sexual attraction i5 one of ite issuein her€? Anyone who fundamental alows thems€lves to most €lemental forns of humandcstinyand be affected this way exprcssion. In free, ie and gives themselves aJld humanculture. uninhibited to the unblocked, sexuality lies that it Soesto th€ir €xcite$ent noticeE the elemental force and the dePth, the corc. lt must be an enormous force passiorr the calm, and the devotion of that ca]l shake you in this mannex life its€lf. Sexuality is devotion, What is it? Anybody who is so whether in an active o! passive s€nse. incautlous as to e(pose therselv€s to this power in the sbeets or Park or The fa.t tllat esoteric and reliSious on the beaches;anybody who senses tea.hings oI liberation tlave usually that here som€thing inescaPable i5 been tied to sexual asceticbm Prcves dema]lding attentiorL and who that s€xuality has a special meaning despite an arising Iear, or Pe*nPs in human life. Adaln and Eve ate of 35

is becauee of it determined to pursue it - may come to something know . about the meaning of sexuality. They maY notice that it sends signals from a life that keeP unlived €nte.in8 their daily life, and consid€dng their longings theY may not be willing to fall back on th€ old excuses and moral swindles. They may longing tlus let interest them and open up to it, b€caus€they s€neein it the voice of unJulfilled but real possibilities in life, and they wil not be Badsfiedby the explanation that aI this is mere projection.

considering our true and wishes our longings, daily liaesare pretty ridiculous.

fuuilment in their private lives. It is the part of of pelversion human social history arld the history of that ideas phenomenon such as sexuality, whos€ and bodily emotional offshoots penetrate all of society like a secret nervous system, has b€en banished to the spheie. privat€ S€xualitv is a public issue of the first order and shodd be tr€ated so in anv realistic cultuial concept. The possibilitV of creating a humane cult re will exist ofily after sex al reqregsion and its causeshou been

At heart everybody knows it. But we tive in a secret comPlicitY of pr€tenc$. For we live under conditions - involvint marriage, reputatiorr social positioi! ek - tlut vrould immediately be endangered if in the sexual area we came down on the side of truth. Sexual honestY would stand in incomPatible opposition to our way of liJe, morals, science, religion, societ-vand also to our political and cultural customs. It would perhaps gradually face us with the most shocking of ineiShtsr tha! consid€ring our tlue wishes and longings, our daily livee are Prctty ridiculous. For this reasonthe issue of sexuality needs to b€ forcefully taken out of the private sPhei€, if more peopl€ are not to perish lor lack of 36

Sexuality controls and oppresses us so long as we do not succ€ed in bringing it out into dayliSht and building a new social world incorporadng it. We can tie sexuality personal relationships, up in sublimate it in various activitiet or tum it into mystical love , but some part remains outside, outside of communication, dark, sbange, urtedeemed. Ihis residue that will not b€ extinguished badgef us with a cascade of sexual stimuli that conlrcnt u3 in every cib/. The kind of excitement that grips us here (if we have not immurlised ourselves well against it) clearly shows fiat in this centml point of our lives we are not

u old their humanising force. yet masters of our liv€s, free citizens of the world. Real control of sexuality Beauty lies in th€ supPle movements iB a prer€quisite for a tlue humanism of an aninal, in the erotic movements and a tuly ffee lif€. But real control of of a body that i6 s€xuality is identical in whichlife ftee of fear. in the AII utays total with its grace of a loved liberatiorL for only itself expresses are child and in the when it is free does it the beautifulzahen inner face of a woman lose its pent-up its and power/ moaenunt theouter makin8 love. All ways in which life compulsion, and its arc expression identical expr€sses itself are secret domination oI only beautitul when the our lives. Only total Lifeis ugly andmean sexual lit€rahon can whenit is blocked, and free us from the and suVpressed twisted. s€cret tyranny of the identical. Lile is unredeemed Satanugly a]!d mean only when it is blocked, suppressed and twisled. The S€nsuality brings afjection. We human being becomes ugly and experience love when we hold a mean when they have to suPPress )'oung rabbit in our hrnds and then themselves and prctend becausethey our hand is transformed into a sense cannot or may not commit organ for all living creatff€s. This themselv€s to tlrc liJe in th€m that to living sensual relationshiP putls and hurts and for which theY creatures conveya th€ el€mentary long, whether they know it or not Ieeling of love. Nobody would 8et Sexuality becomes ugly and mean the idea that th€r€ wele any&dng when lies entet into it. Blocked life rnluman in dris process. Let us becomes ugly and translate this into to freedftom viol€nt wher€ver it needs be Loue the relationship the must force its way human between 'sin', withoutlosing b€cause its natural creatures. Under it fascination hndasa sin. flow is blocked. c,,n-rocsA.l cucumstances no sexuality foflows the principle of selfpeBon who was touched in such an tutilling prophecies. They who affectionate, natuial and loving way declare it to b€ a sin cause it to be a would be shocked by it. Love would sii, ie violent asocial and distuibing develop here in the same way as like a troubled thost. TheY who between living creatures with the if the accuse pure sexuality oI beinS naturalness of a la\^r oI nature animalistic aie accusing liJe itself. flow werc not blocked off through jealous spouse,etc. This attitude is caused bY two social rules, fea4 a enormous blind spob. First th€y fail Fr€e sensualit/ and fte€ seruality to see the beauty of the animal able to need a new social order to be

37

Secondly, purc sexuafiry among humans is never only animalistic, for th€ human being is a spiritual being. Spiritual images oI transcendence,of devotio& and of love are seething darKy in their c€lls until they have recognised and realised t}rcm.

happens to love as it is caught in the tlap of a normal couplelelationship? Almost wift the certainty of a law of naturc it turns rnto jealoue, blackmail and boiedom. The sexual taboo toward the oubide creates inner djssatisfactiory aggression and boredom. But the partners have to hide this from one another becaus€ The fate of tlle earth is at stake. otherwiE€ their relationship and the Wheths we are to have war or peace comfort of *reir habits would be is, in part dependent on the athtude of the human being toward ss(ual liJe ieopardised. At h€a*, of course, they both notice that they are trying to energies. What needs to be keep up pretences tlat have long discover€d is the Eimple fact that a since ceas€dto be true. They become ftee, tully affirmed, lived a]ld loved distrustful and start getting on each sexuality constitutes the active ottur's nerves. One who is no longer element of humanisation of liJe. Love sure of theh own love doesn't trust needs to b€ fteed fiom 'sin', ie from the Iove of the other. Now €motional repression, defarration and lieg war brealG out, a war that probably without losing the fas.ination it had claims more victims as a sin. Life centres of than tralfic accidents. since system the need to be establish€d in which the opening couple relationships Behind jealousy there is libidinous the of all too usually limitedto usually lies trauma psychological channels can mak€ it and of a child who f€arc possible to build up an fulfil theemotional culture ecological sexual needs the losing the love of their of parents, and since the frcm within. It js only thisfear of system of couple in such places that it indiztiduals, wifl be possible to is Iosing another rclationships is usua y one too limited to tulfil the d€velop a spiiitual rcinforced.emotional and sexual culture that fu free corlstantly needs of the from compulsion to individuat, this fear of losing one compensate for a life not lived, a another is constantly rcinforced. ff religioBity free oI hypocrisy and a there i6 only one patner it is truly love of one's neighbour that is not baumatic to suf{er this loss. based on morals and secr€t power, A human system needs to be developed that allows for so many emotior\al and sexual relatioru and so much creative activity that the individual is no longer dep€ndent on relations with one person for the 38

fuuilment of th€ir wishes in liJe. Und€r such circumstances tlue love b€tw€en partne$ could develop o{ a fieer and mor€ beautitul kind. Two tendencie3 in the historical dev€lopments of our time have led to the necessity of liberating sexuality from its old forms: the process of sexual enlightenment which was initiated by psychoanalysis, and th€ inner process of destruction within the family, a process that was initiated by the development of the modern industrial state itself. The emotional erosion of Pereonal modern in the r€lationships organisation of work, money and consumption has long since afI€cted the family. The daily TV evening documents it clearly: the fatnily is no longer a source of creative liveliness but a rcfuge for passive rccup€ration woiking off str€ss, and for disappoinh.nents,aggession, etc. Th€ emotional €mPtue$ and conJusion can b€ s€en in the Srowint fr€quency oI alcoholism, child abuse and juvenile delinqumcy. Psychologbq sociologists and criminologists are faced with a task that no long€r can thetu limited be Eolved with professional methods. A new order of emotional and sexual relationships ernerges slowly. The removal of mariate and nuclear {amily while maintaining the other soci€tal structuies would lead to total chaos.A common expedmental living situatlon ne€d6 to be developed where, in {ree commumcation and in an atmosphere of Srowing tlust the forms of our dailv lives can be

emotionally overcofie and iePlaced tllrough new ones that are not based on ideology and outer normt but that stem ftom within. Th€se new forms should not simply n€8at€ the old ones but should integrate their positive aspects. The elem€nts of love, warmth, tiust, stability, clear orientation for childrer! €k, can be fully incorporated in new forms that are free of emohonal corwtrictlons and wher€ chjldren no longer 8€t caught in a web oI fixatlons a]ld projectioru. Of course such new planned €annot be forms programmaticalt they must develoP as a result of the relations between the p€rsons involved. But within such a community srnall€r grouPs arc bound to form, maybe in the form of smallei units or living SrouPs ol maybe 6-12 pelsons. In these subgroups the 'farnily'would then b€ embedded: th€ child with the fathei and mother as prima:ry car€takers and th€ others as an ext€nded fainily enabling the child to have many varied relationships. Ttu faeechoi'2 of paftnels raithoutlear and scrccy is thz basis emotionalhonesty. for Building A Hudanely Functioning Community. Lasting and continuous cultural work rcquires buildinS shong, suPPortive tunctioning humanely and cornm1miti€s. Any attemPt that does not coruider this quetron js not a s€rious attempt. Too many potitical and altemative projects have broken down due to inier difficulties for this point to be treated casually. A solid communiry does not just sPring into 39

A Nen, Social Organt3ation Of Sexuality In art, philosophy and religio& our culture has glorfied love. But what

existence. Ev€ry grcuP harbours the human problems, the hidden oi oPen conflicts of autlority, comPetinS for recognitiory Power and love, the seething aggressions, and the €ntire swamp of unsolved s€xualitY, iealoNy. IeaJs,€tc. In all SrouPs you Iind tlrc whote spectrum of tYPical problems. The men often compensate foi their emotiolMl and sexual intellectual insecurities through selfideological and rhetoric wom€n don't rca Y importance. The trust each other whenevel men are involved. Those in love sexually often do not know how opet{Y they dare show their wishes without causing fear, jealousy and cbaos within the group. Couples have their own problems when what was once love Bets mired in distrusdul clinging to each other. Children never quite know wheths the]' can trust their parents love ard start testing their parents constandy. In ord€r for thes€ daily occurrences not to rePeat them-selv€s endlessly we ne€d new expedences and new knowledge about how to build communities. In communities cultures simpler emerged naturally on their own. Today they need to be develoPed consciously according to all the knowledge afld exPerience of interpersonal relations. Building a humane community confronting means usually difficulties that are deeply rooted in the charact€r structures of modem people and €specially in the the ideological structures of subcultur€s. Instead of the fir€tion on humanitarian slogans and demands,

what is needed is a clear attitude toward the emotional and mental realities that in Iact exist. This emotional teality must at all times and places be made visible, with as playful and joyful methods as possible, until all Pretence and hypocrisy drop away. The grouP rlt€mbeis must notlce that ihere is no longer anything to b€ Sain€d bY pretending. Th€re is perhaPs only on€ categori€al imPerative {or the emergenc€ of communities that are good and stable fiom within: that everything possible be done to make what happens in the communi9 unde$tardable and hansParent to is esPeciallY everyone. This important for the emotional and sexual processes,for they are behind almost everything that makes the group situation difficult and opaque Only iI all processesare uansparcnt 'w'ill drc members lose thel paranoi4 will be and the deshuctive Prc,cesses kept from leading a life of their own OnIy then call the causes of riJts and fractures in the group be treated belore it's too late. A cornmon cause for th€ loss of uansparency in a grouP situation lies in the mixin8 of factual discussiong with emotional conflicts. The SrouP must lean to distinguish sharPly b€h^/een fact atd emotion to keep discussions from sinking into an endless quagmire. There is no point in continuint a factual discussion that has long since become dominated by pe$onal con{icts or covert Power stu881es. This is th€ time to breal o{I the discussion and carry on the intemction through Play40

acting with theatical exaggeration and playtulness, thereby getting a perspective on the conflict.

becomes barriers meaningless.

increasingly

For several years we have carried on this erqeriment in the 'Bauhutte' Another cenEal point in th€ building project and we have found that of a community concerns the mutual dishust slowly disappears rclations of couples and th€ problems from the relationships when each of sexuality. Again and again the parhff openly s€es and nec$sary transParency Freesexuality knows what the other is is impeded by the structures of the coupl€ on based lasting doing. Opemess and bansparency are cmcial relatioruhip. As soon as personal in the elements difficulties ads€ in the psychological shucture group the paftErs tend relationships no is of a n€w culture when it to retreat to their ideologyor comes to creahng a twosomeness, creating a healthy Broup situation. program,but a private fortr€ss of th€ir is oltrl The harm that to natural Toay dEaI Partn€rship areand free not in se)<ualitv done not or y affects the aith reality. opposition to each oth€r, the cortlJnunitv but also rather they complement two partners. This i5 each oiher and n€ed €ach oth€r' Free terds because a couple relationship sexuality based on lasting personal to be too narrow to hold ev€rything relationships is no ideology or the two partners. that troublee prograrn, but a natural way to deal cannot be worked Jealousy especialy with r€ality. Admittediy it is An inner grouP out by them alone. somewhat unusual after several coherence based on transparent thousand years of monogamY,but we orlly $ow and develoP structures caJt are not s€eking to carry on habits, we pair can dissolve the habitual iI the want to solve problems. .ouple boundaries and open th€ir intenal difliculties to the group. That Emotional Cl€an6int And such a dissolution of boundaries may Dissolving The Charactet also lead to new emotional and Atmoul sexual contacts is natural and desirable. A community will only Theie are a few charact€ristics of the reach its goal of solidarity and new culture, without which a n€w common trust ij the members are order of a hurrane and liJe-oriented wiling and able to realise the old human society can hardlY be values of love - intimacy, trust, possible. These characteristicsare: readiness to he1p, and partnership solidarity with all living beings, liJe not orily with one partner but with as research, ftee s€xuality, non-violence many as possible. In such a proceseof without repression of aggression, inner coherence incr€asin8 grassroots democracy through maintaining emotional and sexual
41

conJuse feeling sorry for someone with love of one's neighbour, or the Iage over being personauy hurt with the rage against the destoyers o{ tif€, and one's own cowardice ra'ith These characteristics cannot b€ consideration and tolerance. realised at the depth of their true Emotional cleaising m€arls that the meaning on the basis of present-day emotions and energies can flow again emotional structures, character becausethey are free rrom hypociisy, structures and ideological shuctures; that the feelings of infcrioritu and in part, they cannot even be guilt disappear because the understood. They seem to 80 against inlerioritv and guilt have empirically determined laws of djsappeared. It means that we get rid human behaviour. But in reality drey of false feelings of shame with which only go against the empirical laws of w€ have denied our best and most the €xisting cultural era which is vital ur8es, and that true shame based bioenergetic selfemeges, the shame over olrr constant suppression. The realisation of tlrc repression of the huth of t]rc living above mentioned characteristics world in ur for no other reason than i€qurres an rnne. our fear of the eyes differentiatebehoeen and judgement o{ Plocess of chanSe for the individual which loueand the need. for could term someone leanon, Fundamentally, to emotional cleansingr. between yesthat emotional cleansing a What does 'emotional means to overcome stems cleansing' mean? It from thehiurt the entire means that love and tnd a yesthat stems psycholosical and hat€d are heed from cultural system that their mutual embnce; from thefear of being Wilhelm Reich caled that one feels no fear rejected. 'the cluracter armour'. when one needs to The character a:rmour fight and no inhibitions when is both a system that keeps down the complete devotion is ca[ed for. It biological energies, and meais that one does Dot force a smile psychological-ideological defence when one would rather cry or against all invasions of Iife that have scream, that one leams to been forced out, and against all differentiate between love and the sign ls from buried truths, longings, need for someoneto lean o& b€tween and love. The cultural era of the a yes that stems from the heart and a character armour has declared all yes that stems fiom the fear of being grapes that hanS too high to be sour rejected. It means that one no longer artd has hated everythint sweet that confuses one's lover with on€'s was unreachable.It despis€d and mother or father, that on€ does not rejected the lust for which it had 42

transpaicncy (esp€cialty in the emotional and sexual areas), and constant social feedback through direct human contact.

nlways longed, made impotence into Of cou6e this change cannot occur the virtue of abstinence, and tumed overnight, not even in small model morals. This into cowardice .ommuniti€s. But centres and mendacity has becom€ a solid supporting groups need to be skucture and a permanent Pait of all established, which through their that has been handed down as social and psychological shuctures 'education','humanity', and huJnan will be able to facilitat€ this cenkal dignity . People inshucted otherc process of transforming human about freedom but did not se€ the sociery. Using a[ trap in which available human get rid offalsefeelingsof thay themselves were caughl they hnae and sociological with which1oe shnme intellig€nce we developed ow denied bestand mostaital need to replace

and society but

For the rcgulation of their social human lives beings needed ideologies and authorities because,being armour€d beings, they could not rely on the honesty and reason in the human feedback they tot through contact with ihcir peers. Since they also were pent-up ajld tull of latent cruel9 they had to delend themselves a8airrst asocral excess tfuough a sYstem of laws and punishment. Fear has therefor€ been a central element in If regulating societ-v. there can be said to exist one single cenhal change of paradi8m for our total culture, then it will be anchored in the change-over from a social order r€Sulated by fear to a social self-organisauon ttut is rooted in free aJld direct human

and true shame urges, oaerour th! emerges, sh&me of repression the constant truth of the liaing uorld in than us,for no otherrcason our fesr of the eyesand judgementof others.

regulating by pdncipl€ something could call love. German which philosopher Emst Bloch wrote does lie in love, in a
and

unsentimental love containing no remnants of Iear, lies or hatred; and the great'nondum, the untuffiled part of history, lies mainly in this, the greatest of unfulfilled human lon8ings. \ hen it b tulfiled, when the human being can love in full sensuality, stand awake and fully pres€nt in the world, then finally a mode of existence will have been realised that we have always at heart known was possible. lb\|6r.1s A Nev Crrrrc was originallY edition1993, published 1981,r€vised in by VerlagMeiga, Germany.

43

COMIMIIIIINI\]LSIEX ]L]t]E
b! G$n Nlsars
PEPcoNs8thannual h Algusi1994lanended Poly PhilosoPhy hot .t @niarsn@ Halbin spnngscal'bmia PEP Poductions Edu€lional for siends Polyidelitols popagandists of 'Loving moE: The basEpremise polynd6lrty was andlhen@niaten@ sublilled feel Transformingseemsto b€that m6l humans .ti.actionlo a lranslorming Rel.iionships. people and that lo b nq this to ils 3nd nom relationshipB monogsmy an ofienloxic nudbff of inlimat€ wilh of concllsion bengsotually which thev logi@l to familvonvironment polyfideliiy, gel perso., havelhema1l on and ofeB 'nore love, more growih moE morethanons Drooose blocks h€s clear asa familv, rhepotentiallo many lnlifrad moB@mmilment. palh issu$wi|| in thelndividoals lo growlh {many haveto be deahwithior il to RyamNering of PEPhas work!), snd also io build may be wtjltsn: Monogamy lnriBdt€, c€ingandrherefo€ a valid choice for some stronq slong communities people at sone tjmes, but communil€s are slso also n€ed olher w6 dev€lopedby lhose who legilimate options ior an shar€ inle€stin thlswaY lite. and intimacy tamily olr as log€lhe. of lNing we@me goal is n€w kinds or and our to share dpenenc€ based 0n relarionships pracli@ lechnologl€€ ror rovo, unconditional g.owth olten deemed gros$, ontinung sPlriluaL necsssary lhrs knd of to respe.l lor ou. diversity rolating. One ol these pannsrs, equalityamong lechnologies wo! d be t€lling the t'rlh aboul olr knowl€dge medilalion/selt d€epest d6sires, gnd in Anapol stat€s 0r oeborah personal accspling Love Wthoot Linils: fha togelhe.w€ Esponsibility ihai otploG th€ iotal lEnsiomalion ot lov6 sex and QuenFot SuskhabletntinateRo/anbrsntps sho ses somekindof energyplaclicelil6 Tanla in as mosl necessary dealingwilh both lhe of and non-mono$mv emolional physi€!aspects nuhi-padner responsrb|€ I hadbeenexdonng one A espscblly lo ior a whlleandwant€d meetolhe6 livingthls in s;rual relating. spirilualpEcUe. rela feusesonconsciols ngandchannelling rs Th€ heir communitie! iem non_monogafiv thar hereby tesponsiblolo dislane it com *xua ene'gy (such as TanlE, Taoist srud Dr€faced will AmendnOuodoushka) or iwrngrng. lonerty communielio. end alchomy lheNative jncreas€ equ ove€ll health,stamina, lib um w€r6 @nsciousness obliolsly6ry frucnpnzed de gresl€r i.usl bringing hopstully attend€es and happiness; that bythos6| met,andll seemed manv and oI and acceptan@ yourself olhers. sexuar had expeioned livingin an extonded lam y of some kind, The€ we.e a nomberor pojec1s grcuPliving sucn Ryam Nea ngs poly'lid.litypinet Loing Moo peopl€ tromwellknown $e er€ (now defhcl) ad ZEGG (ol which slal€srharstudies slgadllysha(enng mylh aB K€dsla 'The of speci€s on mo€ lator) We attendedworkshops c@ss_ of monogamy. numb€r m.mmal 2%'. is down lo @lturaland sdtobiologiel p.ecsd6nlsfor poly believ€d be monog€mousnd goingto way i€ th€ livingr gender balancingrhow lo build a Btdsdo il,elkdoil.. Monogamy in fsmily lhatit wa3heldlo be the queors in f.mirvi ot rhenuclear polylidelitou3family; nom, butin facl is lhe exeplion Sticlly speaking lor as r€lalionship5 a vehicle per&nal/spintual lor whl.h n€ansonesexparher liier or monogamy arowlhil6hncus lo facililel€a lEnspar€ncy do What uncommon. moslpeople rs neecfor honesv)nn.ncial is manifestly iommunretron tttre qlls Anapol se al nonogamyof whalDeborah tribal Tantrsicoming marnagei in oplions group sedalnonmonogany(lots ol parhers s€paraled out as poly,and much,nuch more n was

have a3 a people grown aLaid to love when the 6pi moves us \4hile many people poless 10 monogamy, very larqenumberdo haveinnmale 3 and/o. sexual rcralionsoutsideof then primery relatonship and lhen lie aboul ill the clinched ' posgsgrivo p€dn6rdoesnoi dldlh€ir Frlnef lo hsve croseIn€nds,of any sex, becalso of rheir palholool€i jealousy.Mosl of us re@gniselhal ihls is mo.eihan a liillewarped. theoveNhelming characterislic ol monogamy is dependency/ owneBhip/ limitalion/ repression of s€lf and panner - often enforced by lhreats ol abandonment andlorviolene. Modem love often pows to be an addicton. and one whlch bolslerc'lhe e@nomy to booi. The relarionship between sexual .ep.ession and auhonia an @nditioning clearlydelineated is in fhe Mass P'ydlology ol Fascisn by Dr Wlheh

Multi-parher ser app€arslo make q@d gon€tE s€nse too. Ii has be@me a pop psychologylrulsm rhat many men fear childrennol then own, and womon are moe likelyto seek out 'adullerous' lo liaisonswhen they ae owlating andnosl likely @n@iw. on the gurface it day app€ar lnal honoqamys€rveeth€ €us6 oI socbl @hesion, bul surelyil wouldb6 a ben6rsocielythat @uld accepl lh€ realiry of our €pricious fre4ill and

Communal sexuality

may be Monogamy a valid choicefor somepeopleat sometimes,but we also needother options Iegitimate for intimacy and family life.

Many p€opl€ inie.esled in multi-panner relationships choosglo lire rogethe.and have piono€r€d €tpenmentsin shared prop€nyand woalth lo lh€ greal advanlage othe6 of monogamous oneNrseo. Reich (its no a@ident lhal interestedin living lolelher grolpsTik€ MOve @mnunard Whilemany people Thevan€V arangensnls is ot andfie diggers, lreelove 8nd professto limited oniy bY lhe and sectslik€ lhe Adamiles At Br€lhron lh€ Fi6€ Spnit ol monogamy,a very imaginalion. PEPCoNI leamedof a journal devoted violgnlry haveb€enrulhre3sr, lhe lo suppressed) Relpomible targenumber do have exclusivoly sharing results ot 6xpe.imenlar non-fionogamy dgnandslha! intimateand/or we recogniss our profolnd so sexualrelations arrang6m€nlspooledlhal and conngcllonolhorpeople lo is and experionc€ rt. lrulyhonour Tobeabl.lodo ou'sidoof their misiakes donl have ro be s0 we musl hesl ourssl!€s. liling sha.€d lo!€ acc€r€rales lhis primary relationship- fepesled!communsl usualrydifi€G fron ehatever h€aling closebondi.gof and is individuals lf we are lo and then lie aboutitl lhe ahernalive elled by promolrng sharedreso!@s conlriburero rhis planefs as opposed to p vate clean-up, we muslto suryive, c€nonlybe as this
ownership. Rosponsibl€non-monogamyis in cordlnuum with lhis aim. While direcl experiencs greatest coded, t is natural to rega.d cultural condnioning as musl bs r€gaded as having lhe l€am€dflln naruEl- however thai doe8notmakeit lru€ Flrst here remainvaluableLes$nsto be the €4enen@s of othe.s. Not everyone will wish off, must€alisethatmonogamy nal!€|. we isnol practice polygany to e&lore lhis avenue peBonally, bLi ior thos€ Overhaltthewodds population out mo.e, are listsdal The orother non-fi onogamous ionns. enlightonedwhowanllofnd pamphlet.resour@s the backof lhis

is most One of Oeborah's p. verrdquoles We

was €nforcedby vis mightbe thal monogamy mento keep rrackof'thei. off.pnngithatsbms n institul€d liom patnarchal conlrolprocesses afrer malepnesbEffhadcrack€d t€ninin€nyst€ry the (a ot @n@ption la RianreEisleasfha chalice& Ire B/ade). canabo be Egarded 6 control lt as prc@ss by the clrurch and Btate,de8igned to codainlh€ naluEllyd.oUc energie! Eros or Other@ltur$ enjoydilt€€nl noms whichwork rorihem lor€xample irmous Eskjmo lrgdilio. the of ofering hospitality 10visilors,or lhe less sex which wellknown Greek ve€lonol lhis cusiom visilors in lnvolved hGband th€ orally snnulalinq anlicipation the wia's d€lights So se rcally of enrb6 €xpecred rake ro seriously mantE rhe that

Thereis a wealthol dala h€rewhichis not Easylo @me by so lwill liml myseltto povdirg a b.i€r summary ol a iew of ihe larger polylid€rtlous (1348Ttu ninoleenlh enturyOneida @nimunity 1881)in Amen€ is an exanple ot 3 connlne devor€d ro rhe pEoil@ ol non-possessivg love sryles. Believing mariiage lo be oppr€ssiv€ and sx liberaiing, exclusiw pait bondingwas he€ forbidden i. kvour of sexual tre€dom. Children lived ln a Chikrens hous€ and exclusive afiachment lo thsk biologi@l pa€nis was slrongly di@ulag€d (as in lhe 6ady lsraeli kibbuizim).

45

Holsewoft and c'thsr work was @lleclivised and p€riomed€quallybybolh gende6, rlheoneida Communily.. pracliced lh€ int.rchange ol husbandsand wires as a magickalpEclie, to give a greaterunit and spdloal slrenglhto the entiB @mmudv goup This was etcellenr magick. Th. climaxwas fo.biddenin lh€s€ 'ag8pe unions lo 6void ofispring conplicallons. B*use this@ngr€l was neld 0ndef bolh lh€ rules of c.mmunal lov6 and religlous aspiration thers was no resullanr ft$tElion bo€use of T the absence clrnsx.'(Louis ol Culling Sex Meg,c). By ihe time Oneid6 closed they had trvo hundred 6nd eighty-eight membeG6nd ran a highlysu@sstul busness. (For a moro detailed history ol ths oneida S@ss Conmlnity, see Sorua/ Coddrrlim,4 by sam AbEmson p.g€ s0). Thar sex and other inlimale behaviour is a powertul bodirg mechanism is .Mqrised by tho protusionot c€nlr€s d€diated to trarningp€opl6 in the kadition of osho (aka Bagw.n Shre6 Rajne4h). H6re rhe ideal is lo creato a therapeulic and loving environment whsre €jeclion and jealousy ar€ .asily handled or ce.s€ to b€c.me an issue.This is bealse;i61. one is qiwn the spacs and emolionallleedoh lo tuliy lhal .nd wo* thrcugh any consideralions express do corne up and *@ndi on€ en bond deply to Euch a numb€r of people lhal lh. temporary 'loss of a lov€r is

srales Crh€,'A Mod€l). One of lhe AAO'S slogans was death to pai.bondingl'of @u6e. 6ven the Mo are nol Theywere lr€e ofvallejldgeme.ls and idgology. as Therccannoibo pea@ belweennation€ long as lh€re ls war belween lhe sx€s we arc nol ir€e and no sodety is trce as long as row and s€rlality are suftourded by so mlcn pElene, phoniness, is sllen@and lies No-one freeas long as our grearesilo.ging is p€rnanenllyiinkedto our grealesr fear A person is fr6e when he or 5h€ s able to love aod allowed lo love tEely ln 16c1, there can be no such lhing a6 unfree lov€. Lo@ s alwaF lr€e and everylhinq els€ 6 a absurd inad€quacies that l6d people into aurhonlanan strucluEslikeguruworshipping.

(in 1977 al l€ast) selfidenlifi€d Reich wilh We need to find the @nsdousiy much his andiookon board main causes of fear Madst ideology.Theyof also of exnlbrt dogro€ homophobia s and violence in some of iheir lileratlre betweenpeopte, However, lhenp melhe MO in understand them, s€re a radicaland exemplary Like expgr'menlalcommunity. and develop a way the On€ida Commlnity the shut of living together on MO we€ €v6niually down due to oulsrde pressure, osl€nsibly.elaling to then a new basis. porici€sof sexualfteedomtor children (3ee 'th6 Night B.loE chatisffi in of HEAD7 lor frors inneplhdetails lhe MOs impnsongd folnder, OnoMuehl). lf everr.lhing io be pll into qleslon, ihs is everyihing include eill childhood, whsr€mucn progEmming/ impndng oc.!rs, and s6xualily, lor and whichls oilen a vehicle pogramning, @n@h for a siely which en only enviege chiid sexualigin tsnns oi ab!s6 shouldnot prevenl Equally, should b€ not necessadly lhis. we response slrprised by sociely'sprediclable Huma.s are sexualbein$, be lhey bsbi€s, This a children, adoles@nb ad!1t6. isobviously or @ntentioG ar€a - howevsr,v/€ shoold never
iorg€i rhat eac$ individual is lo be rega.dedas lh€ir own and sole supremesovoreign aurhorlty ove. their own bodyhind ' a concept tampled on by kneejerk mo.alisis and .buse6 alike.

of oou6e, lhe situsliohswe are mosl rikolylo encounier will Drobablvnol be in @mdunes d€di€led to *xual tr6€dom, but between a small nunber of voluntdry acqlainlan@s I re8llythink rhar beio6 w€ @n g6t on with olh€rs wilh less or the fips, €0o and un@n$Eus progbmmes,we them need to have a $ns ol nol NEED1NO which comes ddn to 36ll r€lane and 3€rl I knowledge. suspecl that goupings ol p€ople ot oul whichhas dev€lop€d ol where !.inqs go badly wDng' ere groupings An Aoerican prolocr ZEGG i5 carledBalrhielnamed .fter th€ angel peoDle who are afiaid of a.d fleeing sell Im l€ss into organited of Balihiellromlh€ Teslamenl solomon;lhs only k.owledgg Personally, angelslo ov€r@me @mmuniti€s .nd rcre inio an organicJ taclau angelollhe sev€nplanelary of rhe entanql€m€nts lhe evil geni!6 ofJe8loosy, chaotic mod€l which acc€pls ehat happ€ns tunctionalcommun'tesmay and ZEGG have .amed lh6ir n€wsletler happ€ns (although form therefrom). Whe.e '@mpsrsion' aner lhe word id€ologies and inlerpretive coined by the Kerisla a3 fram4o*s aro dropp€d communty meaning the far as possibl6 in tarclr ot dkect €xp€riene. wherg morals bellEl on Aswellastocusing rssues expeclalions, elc, ar€ peBonal groerh, of re@g.is€d as o@6ion€l transpare.t @mmuni€lion op€rationalne@sdlies to opensexlallly innovalive a.d be pared down io lh6 Fmmunity building rhey

Feeling sexually open to other people is, to me, a metaphor of feeling open in other ways, of feeling free to be myseE without limits researcnar6as ot energy on how that openness physiei healrng: r€sonane technologyr lh€Y h.ve may manifest
designedth€n owr nonpoll!1lng healingsyslem;w.l€r tr€ahenl ladliy lsmg maBh plant5i and a 'non<hemi@l selr powered anlennae ewimming pool cleanrng sysl.m'.Theykeepan o€anic gardenand hav€a dolphin esearch ship which explores humanofilhe wesl @.sl or comnrunicalon whale-dolphin anica. ThuszEGG is nol a'sirgle i$ue conc€m h the way som€ places of sexual h€aling/ erpe mentatioraei unlesslhdt 3ingleissue be

as closo as pssible !o qnat

The ab* i6 a vi€ion oI an erotjc cofifiunlly d€di€led to setl knowlgdge and self expr4sion. This model is also used by the Adions Analyrical Organls€llonlor onscious lile praris' or Mo who d€tined thonselveE th!8r an inporlanl social exD€nm€ntwilh @mmon ,rop6ny, ftee sexualily, @minon €conomy, direcl dsmocr€cy, conedive childr€n and spontanoous emolional self expr€ssion. The MO is not a ltopisn vision ot an i&al society,il is an €nding model fo. a new s@ial liie pfaxis. Th€ MO is the pEdi€l pro.r th6t it is pGsible to live together without lh6 agg.ossion.nd $€ otlrolene, whhoutsexual repression. The MO has be€n in exisiene lor elght y€B and at p€sent [1977] s00 people live and the in lhe 12 M orcuosIn Weslem EurcDe -4 6

there can be no suchthing as "unfrae" love. Love is always free and positive pioneering everything erseis a The @mmunard aspecl ot the vonlu€s is presenuy misunderstandingabovevigorouslyexpressed n being
Germanyand ebewherein -r shape ot ZEGG (CentE lo. Erpe monlal rhe Cultu6l D$isn) ZEGG,s € connuna ot 88 adulis and 12drildren hasbeond€volopi.g that torthe Dast veaB. We ne€dto findth€neln l5 cawer of tedr and viol€nc€ b€nreen !€oolo, a undersland then, and develop way ol living toqoth€r a newbasis. ZEGG,living on At logelhef and itsef is a orocess reso€rch develoDmeni, of wn€.e new sooal slrucllrr€sar€ put to lhe i6st. Anylhingcan be lded thal mighimaks lii6 more liv€ly, dor€s€nsual iniepsllng, more

Holvever, whether polyfidelity ls pEcli€d In an organised group or amonqsl nors disparale indiv:duals: whelhgr it is lollowed as a lifeslyle choie or as ono option oul of a range ol loveslyles which ere adopted as end when appropriatei €sponsrble non-monogamycan empder us as inditduals and @mmunilies, pomoting 3 sonss of love, secunry and peBonal

ZEGG providss an excellenl model of free sexuality wo{ng hemoniouslyin a ommunity, Llvinglhis li€8tyre has broughtmuch l€8mi.g and al the 3am€lme provLding pl€6sure, rself dev€loping healing and €.stalic sex. Like any life ot eneqy and in@nllw ior development other pdh n has also broughla fair deal of pain and In thb way relatedar6as ot human exp€d€n@ free setualily can be a powerlul sour@ ol ndvidualand golp ehpowern€nl. Innd $clal @ndilioning the monogamyurus and live goups slrong in my!€ll. Bul when I try io Ihe energyoi lhe 197ft may haw led io monogamously notico my rcality ghrinking.I I lke the MO belnq quile poshy,as in ihe osho and insde, I los€ my *ltbo€ne delensiv€ @mhuns's€nensiveuse ol eihaBis and highly roliane a.d becomelnhappy aod despondef,t Most osho confontalionalencountertherapy. is eventhough lmaylhink monogamy whal I wa.i. ai cenlres (especially lh€ @nmune in Poona, I don't think Ih reduclng ew.ylhing lo a sexuar uKMultive6nies) India lossso ar the Hollandand its more than lhal lor me. Feeling ll level,becaus€ workand medilation. nowcon@ntrate en€rgy on *xually can bo prsenlwilhout gol ov€r lhe openand r€laling redains to be seen whether we haw

Personal oxperiences

47

.ece6sarily maniieslingphy8icallv Feellng showingwh€r€ lo b ng nore @nscious.ess_ sexuallvopen to oth€r peoplei3, to me, a aw.€ne$. vlhee il hurls ls where it needs @n For a ope. in othorways,ot fe€rlng healing example, disappoinlme ead ol m€raphor feering expeclaiioN l6dio that the Ire6 ro be mvsolf without limiis on how that to id€nlrtying unspoksn just thai rpecilic hurl. Being may op€nness maniiest involv€d with nultiple panner, a6forlhe poss€ssive can be a Jealousy pann.rsmeans the€5 moe non-sexual intimacy can 3nd so, ot triggertnenf€€lings 3€xual reality, but there's no intensiry wilh hon€sly poblensgurtae ewaeness, jealou3y. sse theselevolsot I reason to make it alh quic*lyand can be quEkly minonng othor each nlimary important and give it cl€ared.Thi! path can be whenIm se€mg power over one's life, hard lo work and ris Sometimes il, worlh Dealwilh il. detniloly mo.e lhan o.e pecon wilh ll innit. l'm notdeallng it; anxiols I te€ll6alous, s€rually
sn.tor guily lheonlyway I knq ol d€.lingwith this is by locusing on my heE and now e4enen@ as ol wnals happ€ning, opposedto nind-lucking about possibl€ outcom€s which may never happ€n (bul whicn | 6uld msnifest by obsessivelv en and givinglhem ensrgyl).Jealousy worrying b€ a raliv, bul lhere'sno €ason to nak6 i al_ impo.lant ond gjve it pwer over on6's life l do have a l6ar ol abandonnentand heve to push ihrouqh that to b6 myselfi a constant proc€ss whichebbs and ids likethe tdes l€n usuallv keep srghlof lhe ractlhal il 6 bell€rror som@ng ro re6vo me than for Fe to make Fv6olr ni!6€ble by limiting and sad'icrng mvsefb ft in with whst they wanl or my intorpfelalion ot then expeclations - which could be disinterpreialions jl Im lsing €laiionshlp(s)lo avoid hy66rl il is doesnr woiK.Mrhich hd it shouldb€. m€lhrnks. lhe | 96i the feling lhsl L'madjculaung obvious, but these are rhi.gs that I keep hsvng lo ls ldon'l realiywanl to say allmonogamy bad (do l?) lf we ch.0s6 monogamy conscDusly it sometime, shouldbe line of cou6s. The key ouf issuetot me is choie. Are we re8llychoosing sd llveB, a€ we bei.g run by pogrammesas or usual? H@ much choice c€n we create? lf your or my life- why? I jealousyor fe is runnlng like to r6iso lhese queetions lor myselt by expe m€ntingand seing whsl comes up. Alter all... I have lit e id€ oi who I an, what I wanl, wherel'm going,etc. Mlghla3 well play! 'Peoplo doing tl say'fherc is sonething rtugi@l abod this Iile'tyte to ne.. b6@uso n B liing an allanaAve, il s living a contadiclion to all lhe slandsftl prcqftnning and lha way lhal evatYone expects you lo b6. Wenev$ ,ou arc doing @mlhing lhat is elitrercnl fnn lhe nom,

The Potitics Qf Potg Love
b9tomes Heddte
The vorioustorhs of responsible nonLike it or not, co-oFemlewith il or nonogony froh latex swinginglhrough r6isl it, o new clltlre i3 o-boming open tnorrloge to polyfideliiy ore bosed on baosphericethic of cogen rally iewed by propon€nts ond ond operotion, non-violence crilics olike 03 oberrotioB frcn the This lrdn3gen€rolionol responsibility. cultu.ol nonn. Froh on evolufiomry ph€nohcnon is d survival rcsponse of vier/poinf, however,lhey hulnd|r body polilic to coll€ctively repr€sent Ow srycies nusl global whdt night b€ cdlled d learn to sharc atd demonds. The 'woxingnorh , sohe doy evolurionoryboltoh lihe to eclipse ihe wdning co-operate or it is lhis: Our species ,nll3t nofin' of seriol honogdhy ,yill ,Dt suryive. leorn to shore qnd coond the fi$ion€d nucleor The rcfuml to operole - Pefson ro fqlrlily. participatc in the peBon,culiureto culture, hotion to ndfioh. speci€s The discovery, invention debilitatitE dnna io biosphere- or il will ond cr€otionof workoble, of the domirptor responsible socicl geoh€tri€scholl€ng€she maffiqe nodel is Th€ refusolto participata f woning nonn of fhe an act of political in the debilitatingdromo po3s€s5ive/ dorniholor courage, a 'civil ol the dohinolor mqrrioge nodel, ndlrioge nodel is dh dcl disobedierce' of politicol couroge, o tn thot s€ns€, responsible 'cival di3obedience oh , i3 non-honogony o srrbversiv€ oclivity. qwqkenang from the culturol throll. Polyfideliiyis o politicoloct. Living ollernoliv€fo.hs of r6ponsibl€, nutuolly nlrluring r€loiioBhlp is d The drive lo elininoi€ poss€ssiv€h€ss, creotiveact, liberoting oneselfond for jealousy, monipulotion, olhers dhd an dffi.holion of 90ih. di.hon6ty, psychologicol ohd./or iniertion. evolutionory physicolqbus., doubl€sloidords ond co-dependency fr.omihe ihstitutionof tndrrioge inextricoblylihked1o th€ is drives io rlilninof€ inJusfice, fhe tulitica Of Polv Love bf Jane3 exploiidfion,co.ruplion. pollulionqnd d€pleriohfrom our socidl. econohic, Heddle politicol, educotionol,industriol and insliiutions. ogricullursl 49

Peopl. onen se€n very io atiach€d ih€n limitations and and/or Pain, eould.ather for avoidrosponsibilily thls by blamingoth6fs.So if thsh parherlov€rperioms actions that€mindlh€mof lh€f huft (i€re.r or abendo.menl), they bl€meth€ olhor peGonror 'hurting themandonenavold

things work best when I'm willing to risk losing everything f6r the sake of being honest,

dealingwith lhe flipsideol why ii hud6 While il thereis a nagb to it a tlaadon and a &nsa ot m6y be tue lhat lhe oth€r p€rsn has sone power I alwaystuve a feelng lhal il we can do even andconpticat6<t, resoonsibilily, it's also likely lhat lhe present lhislhingthatis so doli@te situalion b resnaung with 6omelhingin3id./in lhe lu a few ya66. we @r do an thing.' pasl, the rssolulion which couldbe pbfoundlv (lron Loving Morc: the Polyfrdeht Pn@t by ol hoaling. Somelimes I see myef 6nd olhe6 avoiding lhese hidd€n Leasures by iorming (usually unspoken) agreenenls ba6ed on d6nial, whi.h bdngs up pain A tulv ro avoid enything padlal ,ppr@ch. h my dpen€nce things work be3t when Im willhg to .isk losing everylhing ior to Esp€clally nsk bsing the sakeot beinghonest. the oicture I have of nvsell and the dpectations l l've bulll up ol $meono else and lhs reaciions Uink th€y'llhaveio thingsl*y or do as I like lo see pain,lik€jealousy, 3 weke up erl

4A

A SEruAL COMMUNISM SUCC€sS
TH€ ON€IDA CON}IUNtTYAND COITUSRESER\ATUS AUR€A V€N€RA IGNOTA:
bvssA'Qns

Although there are dmld dlsnt B beglnninS to publbh. thc offcblgrib ar.d <h@loplnlon of fle Amend @dmund sperimst5 of th. 19th Century remalns, & lt wa e.shrln€d in Padnstons fiLin Curents. that th.y falled And h:adns th. srdt Sh:ker eng 'Ihe Clii To B€ Slmple' u-d 6 teldBlon thcme mctc one Ihe supPosed hllure ls ls tempted io €re. predt@ted on th€ shon t€rb of the blt ws the wdalt broiheE fiEt dp.dmdts, lt last.{ nlght at (ltty Hawk a failure lEuf - tne Inse b one parhcular (4 that, althouah Oneld. Cnm$ltY not v/ithout toni6, to mY mlnd or lhe su(l6 cldny Bt:bllthe As th. dPerhenlal movdcnt thal Hawk etabllsh.d Ktty nbht Is posible $ d<h$lal OrEIda prd€d tfet the abolitlon of

of thc Oneld: Noy6 Rorrnsn, a d*ndant Comhunlty stirpi<ults (euaenlc dpedments) publlsh€d h.r volume, did it beome pGlble to torm a tuu im€e of the Communlty And the key phenom€non is tOY- Hudreds of p6ple lor twenty-fiv€ ya6 ln d*d sd in speech In paradE€, then, thete- Datum: none of the IOO+ chlldrs who (se of aae duing the qperlment l€ftr th€y all stayed, mav returnlnS to the ommunltY after @lle8e 'My tuteoal (nadmoth.t qho lad be@ orc of tl€ dlsidaE at the b@kup told me In hel old 4ge, that thee had revd b..n 3u.h haPPIhe as theY t ln* lk the old dnm@itY an hdes. bellcte thls *8 of the testitunY...]Vtost PtiDciple a.E of thls htstoty I of them lidn lE9e ktow, ffi the new ud but .h dh6d, $dy imP.$slon oreMtedDg Saln.d . hom Mdltlg tlE sk y...a tue O)eida Conmhtta haPPtne$.' told it, ts of au-p@adtng (CoNt oce Noys Robln$n In the Prer&e to An Aurobioglaphv. ODelda Conhuhlt, Sy.acu€ untueGlty Pr6, 1970) or Anyone 1410 .€d5 throwh the *l<tlon odghal wrtdnas nom the Commlnity that onsdtute her h@k, or sP€.ds eme tme wrth tiE 8l6t olletlon ot Onelda publl6tio5 at the Danhouth Ltbrary, cnnot egpe that smoled salmon impr€$lon. As the Blffiles @unter ts lie €pi@hter of @sumpdon In th6 wstern rcdd, $ the onelda cdmunltv w6 th. hiSnpoht of h{Ppln6. Trc hundrcd &d frfty lolks hapPlly engaged. h the tull Slare of publi.lv, ln a radlal <onnk sdlal dd s@l dP€dm€ht. BETOR!HIAVEN AND TARIH rc 1TAMPLE UNDIIFOOT -I}IE DOMISIrc AND fASHIOI\E OF IHE WO{TDT PECUNIARY

lhey published d€talled a<ounts. DudnS all rE tw.nt five ye6 or the communlty. they lsued a wekly nssp.per, whlch In<luded <tupulo6 r.poris or therr qp€nrenrt ln all 6p<ts of I'f., in emml6, .hlld r€a.hg d<t bEedhS, politi6, work 1016, m6k, dlet, .lothhg, and m6t famocly, pracn@s and the qtent of thelr op6n6 is hard to bellrye- Ihq invi.d a h6dle $lrelodsr b 6me hvsngate what h. qlled om of the m6t anifi.ial sxul mal f€latlons lnown in history, allowed hlh ft.. acc6s, answered hl5 quetlo.s wlth adml$lons that *€n sh(k today, 60r ln5tane, telllnS hlm that sud rehnons for fedalg usually bcgan by elwen ye* of

bratha out of dre teb.llion asn d th.ir ind.p.ndencc of Ele Aw.rnmst dd in han and spidt dishim€d allcAia@ to it. lnndatlons of the Oneida were r@t€d ln th.t reliaious lhet tubscriH to th. perE tlonlst her6y that @nslsts *.ddry of the bellef that rhe sdd @ming of Chnst hd alrsdy @ured and th6 we de llltng ln paradle. We qly ne.d to cohduct ou.*lv6 a@rdln8 to th€ ordinanc of lEvs' ln ord€r to rdllse that re are lilrna h paradi$, fic hahe Periectlonism signifig that huhans /are cpable of &hle!4ng p€rf€<t slnlsn63 ln

proved that the abolition of selfishnessis possible.

by pliticians md clerg/men and freelance bigots in the midst of Wctodm Ameica, they suNivd for twenty-frve years, and were happy.

'W. haE adhltE t lrd" the beSloDi,g ttBt dl h* pnn.ipl6 ln Ega/.] o propeav, lalat ad ,tw @uld nof b atle.l @t wldtout dE d.ttal e oul albtti@ of ehshB; to ttE otd awwedly stakcd @ the esw qEdon: C& @ be eftd tom sln k tht. wtld? Ahd ttE wodd lo<'klns d he Predktc.l \2nA Aua re lave su@4ed @r dowial| Annual Report of the Oneld. Community nE summary of lohn Humphrey Not6 the icundd. aner the braLup, We made a raid Into unknM ountry, charted lt, and retorn.d or <hlld' wttlout the 16 of a tM, we of th€ OGld. Cdmunlty wa Ih€ !c.€s lsa ds5ked by the dohlmtlon of one book a book Roh.rt Allerton Partels.4 t/are.gl,t (nuch llk€ Dlb€ms 5 d Bl.<k Mo&t4rn) whl<h hs many rhohny !1ttu6. hut whlch h (aAalnltk Dub€tmn) @lu lh€ entiar Duberhd th. hcuna ls ART: tn Pa&er lt Is IOY the elderly ConsblE orrt h l9?O, ltcn

Ihey lnvlted vlsttoB .nd almGt *.ry dlstlngulsh€d peen who pats.d thek way (e.S. Henry J46) a<ep€d thet lnvitation to exmlne a. a$elatlon established on princlpls opposed at ev€ry point ro the insdtutids of the wo d", No wo.d.r that Anttpny Comsro<k (who bdsted oa bdina burht in his crer 160 tons of b@k) establlsh.d th. sclety for the suppression of Vle spe.ificlly 60r th€ supprsslq of the On.lda Communlty. Yei open and openly oppo*d by polltlcl&s ed <ler$d.n ad frehrce bigots llk€ CoDstck. ln th€ midst of Mctodan Amen6, they slptved for twdty 6v. y€aa, and wde happy. B€lore turnlng to the sp<ifiG of tbelr su.l expedmdts, whl<h 15 wher. the fdus for turths r.€r.h should fall, I wlll <llE j6t m ex.mpl. ft,r the *ke or u* fravor of the On ida Comhunity. lohn Humphrey Noy6 b€at Itdqu, wh* Eey A1 AvI Dteb.4i*e is yeB ln d<ladng his daGd 1449, by fffts percnal l.depends@, on th€ sd. grd.ds that Henry D.!ld €rlgne<t. ftfr the Untt€d Stat€s. lhc On.lda Communlty, 6oh its tormadon, stat.d that _$ Lon8 6 our aove.nm.nt stood trdth ore Fcot on the ndk of the slavc and wlm the other trmpled th. nahtj of th. red mn, we had ho sJmFathy $ith it". rne Cmnunity b. m{y }q6 prrylous to tlc

llolB b€ame @nverted to thls view in la34 and rapldly derE€d, betwen actlvde !h the UnderE ound Ralk@d a.d the publicity tus qoked by Geleys publlatlon of his p.rMl de.laratlon of ln<tepen<lsc, d one of Ele

It had long been one of the m6t .h.dsh.d tenets of p€rfectlonlsm that .nona the 'ord,M.6 of h@vcn' Sroup marnaA€ or fie love we one of the h6t lhpo.tant, ad Nor€s Fcllowe6 urged hlh to put this into pracd@. Bqt although he spedhenred with oth€r hewnly ddlM.6 of @mmuEl livlns, he tong rGlsted €ndGlng dept thory any qpenmenratlon. 'n sld Nor€s maiied in 1834. lt ws withln thls madage that h€ achiry€d hls mGt pro6ound ed stanln8 insights, whtn led drr4tt to ihe dls@v.D, that mad. the O.elda Commdlty pGslble dd whkh hpll6 m6t slgnn@t posslbllltles for us today. As mlsht b. €xpe<ted, ftm the very 6Et da)6 of thelf narlaAe, Johh and Hanlet sbared Ves d wm$s liberation that Muld b€ @nsld€red a&4@d tuw, For iGtan@, d thelr w€ddl.g day dq/ posted a notie l. tE kitchd to tlEh ftis& that *j<l 5l@ the "pletrc of *Nrng lhK m6ls dally subi.<ts tomal.s ilmct unlveB.lly to the w6t kind of ilaveqr". ftey wqld *re only brea$ast and fv tf€ Et theli fr.nds @dd help lhem*lB.

50

clev w.E 6y ihe sL(h y6r of the.ir mrlaae @mmutist ttut livlna In an e.ohl@lly ed Hanlet sually motuadous @mune had undc€de de dtrcne9 dffialt live blrth Novd dlf6.ult tdllbldt's dd L'ur qft€dev d<lded to a!6taln ftom s until b€ had eved the pbdd ofUrth @nt ol Heswthatlnbe pddldE hedlGl @ndltlons of hl. dmc. s wlthout birth @trol w6 a form of murd€tous by m.n. lt ls sv for us dploltrdon of en.n to irrget i4adays that utll qulte r<ently not mer.rv preEn.ncy and glinS blrth *F paintul but .lways llfe tnrdt nlnS and olten btal, He and Hatlet a8leed thal @llbacv wE b€tteltha tudnd d3ldhghd lltu For Novs to d€.tde w6 to publkh, an.t not the l6t dadbE of hls publiatloB wd hls ddun.latlon of 6 b sxual relations wilholt @tr&eptlon reladdshlp..,ln which, at wcrv ldel of so<lety h8bands b<ome the blandly un@.*io!s mu.dereE of th€ they lde and had pledS€d them*v6 to Prot<t. lnslAht, wlthout whlch he N.t 6 had . 5dd mlaht hd€ b€n @ntent to foltd th€ Shaler exeple od a@pt @llb..y. but havlnS had lt he w6 ddven on to hk g@i dk@.ry' rlE PGts hare se@nd lNlSht was not ns. undeErood it sln@ at l@t Catullls. But Noj€ it ln w6 the ffEt tbat I kn@ of to dpfd to Mc loal€l and qposltory, s oPped .narm wd. d 6rd. lHls p€ollar Amend @uk, that he wd a praAhatl. ratiomllst ed t $Ppo* I hav. to glE r.llalous dth6l6t. 5d/,4 n€tlv Pader credlt- Hl3 tltb, rdle sums that uP.) 'Ihls ffind Polnt wG th€ r.latlonshlP lnto two "dlvldi.g th. *xGl bhn l€. tlE aNttve dd the propaaadve, the or ldc retadoGhlp ls th. fr6t tb arutlv wtn the two pdtrrple, h. *t hlDslf to the t6k. h I a44 h Putn.y Vermont. of dls<Dwdns @n D€ how th. bqcfrb of amatlven6 of and Indes€d :.d the dF.€ sur.d p.opaaatid r.dE€d to such llmlts a tlfe @

lh thls partlolar, an.i rlgbt ous iicdom slr.nge sKl 4 Ida mY sem nN, how*r the tlme 6not b. dlstant s+tff anv other ldd or pra<tlc wlll be s@ined as e$entlal what he dld is sdll a H@ Nors dlidered <ompl.te mysrery to me. lrJlBt he fdund w6 a hethod of tuddn8, <lo*ly r€lated to certard Tahtnc pra.tl@s, whlch he @ll.d h^4ale tn€ sd whl(h s.holaE of s Cstind@ .o/tus O.elda CommunltY havc clled MaIe Condnenc w6, and I dcfiN /t*ry,lve It mlnimally for lts prdl* dennltlon ls ne of a the matteE whtch I ad wddna to s@u€e, rEtnod h whl<h th. act of tudina ls prolonged for houE wlthout ela.ulaton d thJt ld@ ard foon l that the 'l spalmdte.l ls tut dmauht tl8t whkh it' lqul6 *lfanttul that my *tb' w8 lft@sdt ny dptt@t I lt had ws wty fitlsh.kty, e4Entu ber belire that rc had 64P..1 the @ ot ltNotbtary PoPasstin EaB and hM fhk w4 a EMt dcli@e' 'lh€ dls.dery of this method wd @ntral to the <rdtion of th. onelda communlty as a @mplq madage. The m€thod wd partlculady well adapd to a grolp tudla8€, dn@ lt had to be tauSht and Practiced YounS bovs p6.tlcd wllh womd Past hercPa@ od young alds sith older m€n who wre qPerts wth thls key blt of wlsdom I. pLace, thc Onelda *pe ment b€dme P4sible, ed 6 dyone who l@ks into Roblnss t'dk hust p.adke fre lde?' And NoY6 'Do you dlt Eplred. 'b rn€rc d!, othd tindT' 'Ne@ hs a @uple etoP.d flM ?he 6etda the dl,<lPttE of tke petMs ta Cffibft,. th@ wlth the 5h*.8, m* 6dlct he b otlen tude s bA! a&tlEre l6mrrh panaue lha mo<lda.l@..We wndd at dE hcr ed 3tlu lt ts ttE. A hundEd tou48 tulk lEre pased the ag. of tffiPatio, atthe Olret<la CdtuuDE, and Ya th* ha ntu (Ih€ Oftlda clrculai ben e.lopenqr' 1869.) ft.6 fhc Sututt ot dE 6tp*, A'E qdstt Ot7'. n rd.r, .d. ty Andrcl Codllg s.n hakl@, cltv Lrghb Book5, 196a,T.r.n ftm Ini.h.t $e.nist

There will not be peacein the v.orld as long asthere is war in way of living once love. There alsowill only be an ecological people understand and accepttheir inner natureand learn to culture of and shareir The suppressive consumer/substirute for the welfarecountriesis responsible the current stateof the planel That makesthe developmentofa satisSing, way of living a key political issue. and conscious responsible Commitment to both environmental(outer) questionsand with the same inner human questionsneed to be addressed dedicationand creativityFtun a lsfld !tudued bv ZEGC, r Gcituo @mmuniry C€nr. lor DxperimedBl Cultut.l D6ie. 1997,

in individual andwomendifferprofoundly men Since for theirfitness one or anotherform of sexual may haveto takevaryingnew marriaqe association, wives, women areby naturepatriarchal forms.Some constltutes Lifelong monogamy othersarecourtesans. that lifecan the the idealsex-relation, mostprecious qualiflcations special and for offer,but it calls special foundedon effort.The beliefthat it is a 'natural'relation. functions, and that it can be leftto the biological is of operation thosefunctions, one of the spontaneous a lt causes itsfailure. is,on the contrary, of commonest and a comDromlse. soclal oroduct
Frcmlhe Motherslry Roben Biffaut,I927.

Hc rell undeBtood how h*h wE dep€ndent Su<rs wNld allow. to mndo on hB q6t. J6t o.. of th. rre€doft he 5uAht. lnat 'd ldb@nng be a volubtarY afrah' .6PLb.ly. s lhat iouieen And he su.cd.d ydE lat i, rtE On€ktaB @dd bo.st 'ou! prlnclpl€. a@r<t to womo a lust an<t

go most of us no longerhave Marriages bust because norv,all you extendedfamilies.When you marry somebody get is one person.I saythat when couplesfight, it isn't about moneyor sex or power.What they're really sayingis'you're not enoughpeople!'
Ktrit Vonn€gut,'Z;acqr6&.'

Sex
(At the tin. of Mns

TN

Uroeta
in sd Freied)

av A zo A Ls o
this,,4tu Ate tied as pa af tte Ubt a .amde

I would like to introduce you to four categories that I feel are the only choices of eexual conduct a\,ailable in today's society, outside of polyfidelity I'faithtuI to many", ie being part of a stable established group of partnersl. 1) Monogam], (serial) I believe that the shucture induces neurosis of isolation, and tends to make people lose sight of their Possessiveness, social skills. iealousy, and depressionstem from the structu.e. Ircecurity can easily set in ra/hen you mould your life arcund just one pelson with the relationship being personalitycentred and not ideal-centred. 2) Pmmiscuity "S€x without love" sums up this lifestyle. I was into it for a couple of yeals. I think the other people and myseiJ thought we were 3ecure in not gethng emotionally involved. A lot of us had b€en emotionally involved in other relationships,and the memory of the stickiness of emotions was too painful to wani to experience ever atain. One night stands are the extreme;promiscuity can consist of much longetlasting affairs, but still have ihe same basic non-attachment, non-commitment quality. 54

3) Celibacy My own experiencein this lifestyle was for about two yea$. I had become involved with a lot of Eastem teachingswhen I iourneyed on this path. I becamea devotee of Paramahansa Yogananda and prescribedto the beliet that I could reach enlightenment only through strict discipline consistinS of a special cliet and being celibate. Purity was the goal. I think that it was a good way to go as far as gethng some persp€chve on my former sexual conduct, but I disagree with the Easiem lhought that physical attachment (sex) is evil. 4) Mastu$ation lantasies When I was a young teenager I tot into masturbatinS without even knowint what I was doing. After my first ejaculation I remember Boin8 down to the library to find ouf what happened and to make sure that everything was alriSht with me. I became sophisticated after a period of time and started to masturbate to pictures, envisioning that I was involved sexually with th€ images. Gettin8 my rocks off on fantasy sex object-p€ople. I believe those are our choices in society today for sexual conduct, exceptmaybe for thi.s€ who are into

not sayint that we have reached a depth wh€re we are no longe! growing. It is a trust level that deepens with the time we sPencl with one another.There is still some conditioninS I occasionallY deal Sex Within Love with that makes me think that I am There is a tenderness that we have not an equal, but I have enough for one another and it was iust the awareness that this is itrational other night that a phrase flashed paranoia to get through it- It is in through my thought screen: the this realm of equality that we can EMOTION OF EQUALITY. How ihe appreciate can we have love and beauty it is the commitnent to the without essence of each of bestiality. Now this bdngs us to the question of Sex In Utopia. Wlat mikes sex in Utopia $omething worth talkin8 about? €quality?If there is us to give a depth of not that emotion of Our expeiiment €quality then we trust to one anotheL takes uB on a are goin8 to be into the unknown. Most ol ,oumey dealing r/ith insecurity that miSht the going is very joyous, a[ of it is manifest its€lf in the form of a chalen8ing. We just have to shed superiority and infedodty complex. the layers of fear and itnomnce that There is a commitment that we have we have accumulated and enjoy t1te together.The commitment is to our innocence of the shining sun of ideals and it is the commitment to Iearning, love and tmst. the ideals that enabl$ us to Sive a Editd iion Slif./^ U/OPI,{ depth of trust to one another. I am
hy A2o Ahc krisi Vill4e, Sm Fd.n@

the ideals that enables

relalionshlpe lhei( besLare a paLhto hiqher at lntlmaLe larqely conocioueneee qrealer eell knowled4e, and feedback- or mirroringeffect ' becaueeof the valuable ts'avin4 more than o1e lrom a beloved, one receives the parlner at a time not only increaees available iL quanllty d teedback, also makes1l harderlo blarne yor ffii4ht be creaLinqin yoor partner for the problemo ln Lhe relalionship. oLherwords,mulLiPle ?artnerocan a acluallyhelpyou become more ree?onoible Person.
55

RelatLot'.ahlp-, Loye Leteottoa-nd
Love should be l.ee. NothinS ha< the potenhal to be more liberaiin8. Here we have the po$er to take more control of our liv€snnd not be as tied down by clocks and bosses. Yet most of the people I know hav€ reLationship. t!'at are more di$bling, co n f ir ungor abuli v e l h a n rh e i r ro b ! o r sch ool.

atealorray, tri rct -tLo[. B*E/ex-rrr btr -e,Ita.Ir
p€sor, thar this person doesn l love you, that this person will never love you ;8ain or rhaLrtris person ir wing ro spite you Vore lilety rhis person is acting upon rh€ir desn;s that ;ay have tittle o; n;rhing to do wiih y"". a'. you " -ore unlikeableor undesirableDersonbecause t|1isone eer.on hr. chosin to teavevou a n d d o s;methi nsetse?

ltu ,r, fu,**rr*u^ [n0
A close friend of mine hasgotten case that maniage is outmoded engaged be maried - which has and anachronistic.They make to got me thinking about love and valid points and they are matrimony (as such eveffs are completelyconecl ftom thek own wont to do) and pointsofview. Maniage, like whether or not the entire institution of much of what we Howev€r, what so marriage has any do on this planet many peopie forget relevance left. is that when can be sacrcdUltimately I decided someone makes a can have true that it's a personal choice (or in this choice. Marriage, meaning - if those case wnen two likemuchofwhat we make a involved in it are people that does do on this planetcan choice) be sacrcd - and can t|illing to invest it nobody and nothing have aue meaning - rrith such meaning. else any harm ifthoseinvolvedin it whatsoever, and are willing to invest it with such results in them being happier for meaning.Phil andMaddy feel that it, then they have made the right there is something special about choice.And therethe discussion marriage. wish them all of the ends, I happiness dre world, something in that they most certainly deserve. Marriagemay not be right for me, it may not be righl for you, but it's But, as I said, the engagement sure as hell right for my two sentseveral trains of thoughton liiends, andthat - dearreaders is joumeys tbrough the only thing that matters. their winding Iny mind. Ultimately it was the onethat endedat Personal Choice fiod Aeadr d lal€r ftasuift issue3, 196. uponwhich I boughta ticket. I've heard a lot of people argue the

. . : l1 diliru arc rlwau lRerection '6 not a per.onar Mo ri P eoP r e k no w \p Pn d r I r" tatement abdur vou. j r rheir r,ves I acld upon or .lwaCr I a""" most of restraining themselles. I rltrratncJ rlrg crn onlg I beins or what 1oui" abour. b e cduqe ot c on.l frm rs l rc $ rl t i n rn fi a o d us. l l l can be the resul t of a they nare mao€ to rherr L _ _ _ _ _ : _ _ J larse amount of facror.. T l o ver or t hem s e l v e s . h e ru re . rh .v rh rt m av hdves;ethi ng ro do w i th you. wilingly fo ow usually mirror society's or have absoluiety nolhins to do with d se old r ut es re Bd rd i n B g e n d € r, v o u . R ei e.hon and' j eal ou\) emohons dre relationships or love. Having sex or i5u1 neecr nor be sources oi e.eat b e i ng h lov e wir h $ mp o n € d o e s n o t u n h a ppi n€ss N or .houtd rhet be ihply ownerhip. We rre all reldtively irtemaiseo or cdst dside as chitdish or fRe soulsina happed envircnment, ard somethins io be embarassed abolt. w e a l hr v e m ulr ipl e d e q i rew h r.h c rn b e R e j e di on;nd j edl ousydre redt. i rtense s d ctc d on or r es ha i n e d . Il d e " i re s d re € mo ti o n5 B ur bv l ooti ns at l hem alhays rcl.d upon or aiMy\ r.strained dlrouSh open eye. ond .rt, ,n op"" they c6n only re61ntin unhappjness. mind they need not be debij}aring. Jealousy is a reality. There is no equality The act of s€xual intercou.je in itsetf will yet in our modern society.lealousy is an nor significanrly emotionally tiberare e\tensior oi whrr vou f-:- ;- - : - - - - -l anvone. Onlv ,(c€prins rhi.t vou hrvp. whar you i rh? rcr or rlfuar i'rc'couilr ion;berr ro, *i"t you ,i rhial need to hdte, I in iltlll will ror iqnilicarllg twhite conrinuing to 'ou I chanSe the acl helv ro '' z aauonc.

how you reei

yo ur s elf .lf v ou ad "u.''L3'l'l'lulYl---rdo,he,h,nqs upon o r d o i nS w i l l l i berdre )our" eri from pai . and atkck or hurt someone and alienarion. I cannor say and wi iealousy bp(auseol your own alienatioaor inger. never sdv that I am free ot ihe intense you are most lilety forgetting that emorions ried to lole dnd retdrionqhip. neither you nor fhey can t uly own that Dossess €ve one. I can sav I am another person rn a r€lationship. It two happier hhen terp,*r ae,ire, trely p 6 p le ar e ha\ ing a re l a ti o n .h i p frh e rr a n i t c anaccept;eatou,1 o -v ,.,1* ;" " ri ." own volition, it does .ot nec€ssa.ily real and never som€thine to make a" , m€an thrl you had nothing wiih this importanr.
, FaEa tw "*dr: a pnt rf yi ^m<tr)

lou dream

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b€ you aqJ You uorelorQloqeuPr. toE€tiP| shall for avef'nore yo$ seatler &y6' uif)qsof deati tlP You M to!€liPiuihal) u/hite 6hall noaoryof tine if ever) fl'PsileDt b€ 6hall togetlpr |ys. you it yodr BullettiPfohesPao@6 to9etlPQe66. yoo. laDoe of lel RDd theuiDds tfo lPaveD6 hohl,ee\ but oqe l.ove a0otlPll m4e ?ota bol)/of love: beiDq of ttP 6ea Le it Let rather a aouiqq behroaD 5hore6 you| 08P. eq oths|s L{l dfir/(qolfro/l o[)o Filleaoh lrsadbut?atqotffon 0P sa e loaf' of oDe Cive aDoflPr your be olp bot a togetlPf b€joyo{s. lel eaeh oJyou aloD€ a|)d Siqq /a4ae \uifl? ttp{qt/tlPyguivef tlP ea e rruEie Evetasflp 5fiqg6of a hle ar?alo|p (eePiry. eaeh bul you Give lPafio. l)oliDto otlPr'6 your eoDlaiQ lpart6. of lhe tor o?ly hatd {fe eaq toPuPr: y€f too toq€$P| Qot Dea| irld 6ta0d aPari 6ta0d of Forttp Pillars ttP lertPle qot otlPr66hadov' qro\u i0 eaoh lld lheoq heeald tl'PcyPr86€

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