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to give anything……everything. I never imagined myself being head-over-heels, being so pathetic – literally, begging for love. And I never imagined myself crying over someone over and over again. It’s as if I am not getting tired of it, and that I just accepted the fact that this would be me for the rest of my life – “Pathetic lady who pretends she’s strong but cries herself to sleep every single night because of that same guy” – because I chose to be in-love with this person …..someone who can never EVER love me back…NEVER FOREVER. And never in my dreams – in my delusions or hallucinations, would I imagine that it would be you, that I’ll eventually fall in-love with you. You’re a pervert – and don’t you dare deny it. You’re an asshole, a jerk. You’re arrogant, boastful and so-full of yourself – gwapo mo eh. That’s how you presented yourself to everyone. That’s how I’ve known you. That’s how everybody thinks of you. Yet we became friends, good friends. “Gaguhan Everyday” – that’s “US”. ---Sophomore, Classmates. I thought you were a new kid, but I was wrong. You were there longer than I am. You were somewhat “popular” – the Jelo Garcia. Later that year, we were opted to do a school play, “Florante at Laura”. I was the Laura but you weren’t my Florante. You were Flerida’s Aladdin. Yet we get to be together every day because we were the “Main” characters – Cool - and we have so much to practice – Not Cool. Flerida was one of my closest friends back then and we usually practice in their subdivision’s clubhouse – and we get to stay in her house A LOT. She was so into you, and you were to her – you were to every girl actually, that’s how you are, “Certified Malandi”. I was so into my Florante – who’s one of your closest friends, no kidding, up until now he’s my crush btw. We would stay in my friend’s house, before and after practice, and we would watch movies/films. Movies we are NOT ALLOWED to watch. You were the first person who made me watch these X-rated thingy-s. It wasn’t so gross – it was kind of funny, actually. Me and my girlfriends were laughing while you boys were so engrossed with it. We were asking questions like how, why, what and you guys can’t even answer a single of it. You were so engrossed that even your eyes barely blinked. And that was the funniest part of it. You’re faces were priceless. ) I was there, not because of you, but because of my Florante. You were there because of your Flerida. Because while watching you were slightly touching her – I know – I can see it. And I can see in your face that you’re actually doing something “pervert-y”. And that’s our set-up back then, “partners with each other’s close friend”.
But it wasn’t just for our group. making me and Jo your seat-mates and cheater-mates during exams. Cheater-mates. I’m in-charge with part two – PROBLEM SOLVING. Identification. ½. First day – and there you are again. you had these nasty burns in your legs. Boasting about everything outside our classroom – typical Jelo. On regular days. Because you get to get all of the correct answers from your friend from the other section and you’ll just memorize it. You were more like a “Welcoming Committee”. you’ll say – “Oh bakit nandito ka? Bawal ka dito!” And for whatever reasons. “Team Mates – Partners in Crime” ---- . our pencils. we tried to untie our shoelaces. As for me. Math Tests – you’re in-charge with part one. And the three of us would be walking around together. Close Friends. “Wow. 1 whole? We share our pens. When you got caught up in a motor accident. home-works and seatworks. we voted you as our Class President – and you became in-charge of the class room. We share our food. Classmates. but we just can’t because it’s too tight and we can’t stop laughing. no kidding. Same with the other subjects. That’s how we were back then. Wrong move? Not. Instead of being so mad with us – nakikipagharutan ka pa.---Junior. btw. kinaltukan mo ko. we help each other with recitations. It was fun. You even tied our shoe laces together. We’re classmates”. When it’s time for you to go to the restroom. our notes – mostly everything we could. yet we keep on pressing it just to annoy you – but you stayed cool. But instead of saying. It was probably one of the best years of my student life. the answers were for everyone else – mostly half of the class – mostly boys. We share our paper – ¼. Mukhang tanga lang – but we were just laughing the whole time. Cool. You re-arranged our seats.
Do you still remember? Because I can. After that. Then you pm-d me. That’s how you treat me. Gago ka. And the night after that. So yeah. . I said. “Gusto mo kong ligawan no? Haha” . NONE. Every single word you said that night. Friendster-ing and ym-ing hoping someone would still be up just so I have someone to talk to. That’s how you are. He was your friend and you were one of those people who really wanted us to be together. Resume of Classes – I was my Insomniac-Self again that I decided to wait for my parents to arrive. But none of that came. You were asking about my love life. I don’t know why…. But you answered me back with “Gusto ko sana. That’s you. But you said No. I then asked. And you were just able to go to school after a week. It was you. You were having financial problems. Then Ana asked me why and asked if I do like you. You hated my adviser and you wished to be transferred to another section whose room is next to mine. We even exchanged gifts. I wasn’t ready for that answer. I expected a no from you. Every word that eventually changed my life.Senior. First day – you were not there. I was trying to read it over and over again.what the hell. Christmas Break – an unknown number texted me …. Close Friend. And the following night. I don’t know why. I bought you a shirt from Tagaytay – I wonder if you still wear it. “Seryoso ko” – was your fucking answer. We exchanged messages since then. Then Joshua came back from the states and started courting me. My mind went blank. Pero sabi moa yaw mo pa”. But I started stealing pictures from your Friendster account – saving it to my computer and my cellphone. and you gave me the stuffed toy you got from the Pagudpod Pageant. Or if not. And I got so irritated because I thought you were pushing Joshua to me again – for the nth time. I hope you do. my life changed. I said NO.. I don’t know how. “Pinagttripan mo nanaman ako. You could SHOULD have said that you were kidding. Literally changed. But we weren’t classmates anymore. You could SHOULD have said yes. I was surfing the net. I still hope you can remember that it was from me. we were still seeing each other … EVERYDAY. But that never happened.” – trying so hard to get a no from you. BECAUSE THIS IS SO NOT YOU. I found myself waiting for your text after that night. “Joke lang. Feeling mo naman” – because you’re a jerk. I was waiting for you to say. Our welcoming committee wasn’t there.
to myself. Lasing ako. But eventually said no. AGAIN. trying to convince myself that what I had with you was a mere infatuation – a fucking infatuation that I can get out of my system so easily like 1. he was okay. I got so hurt. There were a lot of hi’s and hello’s. Wow. -Then there’s Julie and Dean. talented. So much for getting you out of my system. but I just can’t stop. Ask if you could court me. The perfect girl. You courted her. hindi ko alam yung sinsabi ko. Pero natatandaan ko lahat ng napagusapan natin. Then you changed your number. Thanks for helping.. If I could just turn back the time. I am sorry kung na-offend kita. Julie. . you texted me this. Sorry about last night. For whatever reason. I was crying helplessly. I will not cry – I will laugh or smile and say. Sorry talaga. I was beginning to think that it’s for the better.” But no.3 But. Asked me if he could court me. I am feeling okay. And we did the same as for the following days. I got so pissed. I got so angry. but I’d say yes. Then one night. you changed your number and I wasn’t even aware of it. Jelo to. Her. But you never talked to me about that night. witty and very feminine. I would probably said yes. No Mina. YOU. Ang bobo mo talaga Lea.” *tears. Ask if there’s anything you could do to change my mind. I know that I shouldn’t. Wow. Texted. Overflowing tears. Cause if you did – I’d probably say yes.2. Me. I was fighting my own self just so I won’t text you in your new number. Stop.I found myself waiting for you to approach me in school and ask again. Bagong number ko” Did I text you back? I did. Ask if we could just try. Not to you though. there wasn’t you. Did we exchange messages the next day? We did. pretty. “Hi. I just realized it the day after. Dean. I don’t know why. “Ui Lea. “Sabi na e. Not a single message. Naiinitindihan kita pero may possibility pa naman na pwede mangyari yun e. tanga – tanga. I said – I would think about it. Nahihiya tuloy ako sayo. But days turned into weeks. A friend of ours. The perfect girl – smart.
tears would come running down my face.-I can see you with her. Do you know how that hurts? Tagos. You even got us married on our school fair. Why can’t you come to me and ask me why I’m in-love with you? Why can’t you tell me to just stop because you can’t love me back? . We were team mates. you just don’t care… you never cared. I just want to disappear. You never approached me. That I love you so much. that on the 25th of February. Multi-tasker eh? Like literally pushing him. “Thank you. Who would ever say no to you. Or you did know that I was hurting. Wag kang magalala. Umaasang sana mawala na lang ako. It’s as if you’re happy and you would want us to be together. Akong bahala. You’ll take her home – and who knows. partners in crime.. you just didn’t care? Everybody else can. All you can say was. You’ll eat lunch together. I don’t know how. I can’t even explain why. Why? We were close friends. Wow. Like a bubble being popped. It’s as if they have a mind of their own. Sagad. That I am hurting. It’s just you who never stop my eyes cry. ayaw akong paalisin sa mundong yon. you’re the Jelo Garcia. 5 years. that smug. I saw you. Every day. Like a dust in the wind. You never asked me why or how or whatever it is that someone would want to ask. Walang magbabago samin ni Lea” But you never talked to me after that. Like sand being blown away. It’s as if they know that I should cry. But.already. You’ll sit together. You’ll approach her. That I should just let it all out until my eyes are dry. Every week. You even bought her flowers – Valentine’s Day. On the other hand. You were teasing us. Whole day. Nandun lang ako. to be continued. Do you know how those made me feel? Every time I see you with her. Nakatingin. I saw your face when you gave it to her. that cute smile. you could have picked her up from home. I can’t explain why I am not able to keep it in my fucking eyes.. You’ll come up to her. (It’s been …. it hurts.a lot. Then I got so stupid. and everybody asked why.. Pero sobrang bait ng destiny sakin. can you believe it?) I asked my friend to tell you that I love you. you were pushing Dean to me. It seems to me that.
You didn’t say anything to make me stop.Why can’t you just tell me right then and there to stop because you don’t want our friendship to go to trash? Why can’t you just come up to me and make some lame excuse – make a story – make something up on why I can’t love you? But no. Hoping that you’ll come into your senses . And I stayed in the corner. You didn’t tell me to stop. You were just there.
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