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How to Enjoy Your Marriage

Fun Activities To Celebrate and Strengthen Love, Passion and Intimacy

Yehuda Ayalon

M.A.

Psychologist Couples Therapist Love Coach

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Congratulations! You bought this book to enhance your marriage and deepen your love bond. You are pioneers in this area and one of the minority of couples who realize that good relationships do not just happen. They are built by daily nurturing your bond, giving it the attention and honor it deserves as one of your most important resources, a major pillar of your and your children's happiness.

What is this book all about? This Play Book is an easy yet profound way to connect with your significant one, to express and receive love, to bring you closer while enjoying one another in playful ways. The Games are light and fun and last from a few minutes to 20 minutes each. You can deepen your understanding of each other and strengthen your friendship through these creative questions and mind opening ideas. Playing together is a great way to a successful and happy marriage.

What is in this book for you? How you can nurture your love with the activities in this book? If you think your marriage is important enough to devote 10 to 15 minutes a day to nurture it this book can do a lot for you. Here are a few examples for what you are going to gain: Preventing escalations when you disagree Feeling great about yourselves appreciated, connected, respected, safe and yet not bored or suffocated

Feeling wonderful to be together strong, part of a team Having more satisfying sex Giving your children the best gift you can give them a great model of what family and relationships can be

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What is the scientific basis of this book? In the last three decades a whole new world of solid and useful information has been accumulating as a result of scientific studies of what makes good marriages. These unprecedented studies allow us for the first time in human history not only to learn from wise and warm people what they personally know about happy marriages, but to do so on a far broader scale and with a scientific proof that it really works! These studies have been translated into practical suggestions and tools to instruct couples in the art of building a happy marriage. The ideas you meet in this book are also based on success principles crystallized by scientific research and accumulated wisdom of humanity. One chief success principle is strong dedication and commitment to whatever you want to achieve. This commitment is even crucial to our very survival in tough situations. Yesterday I saw a short interview with the oldest survivor of the Nazis, a 108 years old Jewish lady. She told Tony Robbins that her optimism was one of her main survival resources. Renowned psychiatrist Viktor Frankl said that his determination to survive was his chief power. He had a Goal to live for and this goal or mission was also of critical importance. So if you want to make your marriage a success and enjoy the happiness such a union can bring you, you must be committed to it and make it a very high priority in your life.

Disclaimer The author of this book does not claim to be a medical expert of any sorts nor is he qualified to give any type of medical advice. Any and all advice presented in this book is for informational purposes only and is provided to the reader based on the understanding that the reader is solely responsible for any consequences of using this information. The author cannot be held liable for any damage, whether bodily, psychological or otherwise, resulting from the use of the information provided in this book. If in any doubt at all, the reader is advised to consult their doctor or other qualified medical expert www.happiermarriage.net

Take Care of Your Love


How do you want your love to grow and thrive? Your bond to each other is going to thrive and grow richer like good wine if you attend to your love and take good care of it. Your relationship is a living entity. It either grows or it withers. This Play Book is full of activities for cultivating and growing your love. These are based on the secrets of happy couples. Let them tell you how they succeeded in keeping their love alive. Commit to each other to dedicate ten minutes every day to grow your love. Like a delicate flower your love bond needs this attention on a regular daily basis. Love is learned and can be nurtured Love is hard to define, it is rich and multi-faceted, has bodily, emotional and spiritual dimensions. We learn how to be loving and we continue learning throughout our life. This little book is my personal contribution to this important cause making good marriages even better. A good marriage is a bond that keeps growing and is the best peoplegrowing school. It helps you become more mature, more responsible, a better parent, a better lover and a happier person. A good marriage is not perfect. It does have ups and downs, it includes anger and frustration. But it is mainly good most of the time and your love is not destroyed by your anger and your frustrations do not become resentments. Activity #1 What I Appreciate About You One of the most outstanding characteristics of happy women and men is their ability to see the best in their mates even after the honeymoon is over and they can clearly see their flaws and shortcomings as well. Here is a list of traits for you to choose from. Please mark five of the following traits you found in your spouse when you first got acquainted.

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Adventurous Affectionate Ambitious Assertive Attractive Athletic Beautiful Brave Calm Careful Caring Cheerful Committed Communicative Confident Considerate Creative Decisive Dependable Energetic Enthusiastic Expressive Flexible Funny Generous Gentle Intelligent Lively Loving Loyal Mature Practical Radiant Resourceful Responsible Sensitive Sensual Sexy Supportive Thoughtful Understanding Virile Warm Womanly For each trait tell your mate what made you appreciate this trait in him. Cite an example of things he did or said that revealed this good aspect of his personality.

Being in love again Do you want to re-ignite the passion of the honey moon phase of your marriage? Do you crave to experience again that wonderful feeling of being in love? Well, it can be yours! Awakening your memories is possible and enjoyable. Just decide that you want to reconnect with that amazing enthusiasm. You can do it alone or together. Activity #2 - Memory Awakening Game Sit comfortably, relax your body and close your eyes. Remind yourself of one of your first dates, when you felt you are falling in love. Visualize the place you where this meeting began, the surroundings, the hour or part of the day or evening. Feel the smells, hear the voices, the words you heard and uttered, feel the touch and the excitement. Remain with these fantastic memories for a few more minutes. Now share them with each other. Take 3 minutes each to tell your mate while he/she listens. How was this experience for you? Did you notice anything new? Did your partner remind you of something you forgot?

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This Memory Awakening Game is recommended as a way to capitalize on your Love Bank Account which lies unused most of the time. You can re-create these loving feelings you have stored in your mind. You can choose to shift your attention to these enhancing aspects of your life and tip the scales toward a connection which is mainly positive.

Getting to Know You Better


Knowing each other well is the basic requirement for a good relationship. It is a task which never really ends because human beings are infinite. Gottman calls this Love Map. Erich Fromm in his classic book The Art of Loving says, '' the knowledge, which is an aspect of love, is one which does not stay at the periphery, but penetrates to the core. It is possible only when I can transcend the concern for myself and see the other person in his own terms.''

Activity #3 How Well do I Know You? Do I know you as a child? Have I told you about my child hood? How do I like my ''inner child'', the part of myself which is full of laughter, playfulness and carelessness? Do you recognize it when we let our guards down and fool around? Tell me about your dreams. What do you dream about when you wish you had an ideal life? Do you daydream? Are you ambitious? Do you wish you had a lot of money? Where would you live if you had?

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Expectations The bond you build together is largely based upon your expectations from yourselves and from your mates. What you intend to be and give each other and get from one another strongly influences your bonding and your relationship. I would like you to consider two aspects of this idea: First, becoming aware of your expectations and understanding them; Second, differentiating your realistic expectations from your unrealistic ones. Becoming aware of your expectations is a significant process of recognizing them, tracking their origins and evaluating their place in your life. Why is this so important and what are you going to get from this? When two persons merge their lives to form a union, it stands to reason that they want the same things, that they share common goals and want to travel the same road. Right? Well, they had better communicate their wishes and make them explicit unless they love getting surprised and disappointed and frustrated.

Activity #4 I Expect Part One. Both of you please write 3 to 5 of your personal expectations from yourself. Do you, for example, expect yourself to succeed at work and get promoted? Do you expect to earn a higher academic degree? Do you want to be physically fit and dedicated to your health? Which of these expectations are important for your marriage success? Part Two. What do you expect of yourself as a spouse? What do you want to do and express on a daily basis to keep your love alive? How do you nurture your relationship? www.happiermarriage.net

Try to find out what role models you have for being a successful/loving husband/wife? What personal strengths and assets do you bring to your life partnership?

Part Three. Repeat part two, this time about your spouse. What does he/she do to express his/her love to you on a daily basis? Do you speak the same ''love language''?

Activity #5 What Are My Happiness Values ? A. Write on separate cards the following words or phrases. Prepare two sets of cards. Integrity Fairness Forgiveness Openness Equality Kindness Intimacy Loyalty Tolerance Respect Dedication Trust

B. Each of you places the cards in his/her set according to their personal importance from most important to least important. C. Both of you take notice of similarities and differences in your Values Priority. D. Gently and respectfully discuss your priorities. Before explaining and defending your point of view try to understand your spouse's point of view.

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Activity #6 What Are My Happiness Needs ? Write on separate cards the following words or phrases: Friendship Sexual Satisfaction Couple Time Economic Partnership Attention Intimate Verbal Communication Approval Spiritual partnership Parenting Partnership Personal Grooming and Hygiene Healthy Behavior Personal Space Physical Comfort Take the same steps as in Activity #4.

Becoming Independent
One main process in becoming mature and fit for adult love is separation from our parents. This is a long process, not an event. True, leaving home and living in a place of your own is a turning point, an expression of this. Good relationships include mutual help on your journey toward maturity. Spouses help one another to complete this process and provide support when needed.

Activity # 7 How I Became Mature Make a short list of events in your life that you consider important stepping stones on your way to become an adult. Try to recapture the feelings you had on those occasions or during those times. What was good and uplifting and what was difficult during these transitions in your life? Have you ever thought about this or shared this with anyone? Please share with each other the thoughts and feelings about your way to adulthood.

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Becoming One
Two separate persons become a new entity a couple. This transformation from two separate people into oneness is a big change. You begin feeling and thinking in terms of ''we'', not just I and You. This new state of being is exhilarating and profoundly joyful. You want to be physically together all the time and when it is not possible you keep thinking about your beloved and spend a lot of time talking on the phone.

Activity #8 Writing Your Marriage Vision Choose 4-5 Happiness Values from Activity #5 and write a joint Marriage Vision. This written declaration can be one of your most important shared documents.

Sex and Intimacy The bodily expression of this desire for oneness is of course through touch and sex. The hot and urgent attraction that characterizes the early phase of couple formation undergoes gradual change over time. Most couples settle for less frequent sex and more emotional connection. All couples who are together for some years feel this change and yearn to recapture the amazing bliss they experienced in the beginning of their relationship. Some couples succeed in this quest and retain the great wonder of desire and bliss most of the time. My next book will go deeper into this. Here I will give you a good way to look at your current physical bond and start a new way to deepen and

energize it. The following is an technique or intercourse position.

AWARENESS

experience, not another

www.happiermarriage.net Activity #9 What I love about our sex life Part One Think about what you appreciate in yourself as a lover. How proud are you of your skills and your body? What do you think your mate finds sexually attractive in you? Part Two Tell each other what you love and appreciate in your sex life, about your mate as a lover. Focus on the good aspects of her and his body, on the habits that contribute to your shared pleasure, and on attitudes about sex that highten your good feelings about yourselves and about your mates.

Activity #10 Exploring Touch A. Sit facing each other, close your eyes and hold hands. Do not talk during the hand-holding experience, which can last for 3 to 5 minutes. B. As you hold hands be aware of the texture of your spouse's skin, its temperature, the tightness/relaxation of your touch. C. Now, shift your awareness to your memories and feelings as they rise to consciousness. What are you feeling right now? D. Open your eyes and share your experience with each other.

Conclusion
Of course, we cannot be a happy couple unless we learn and succeed in solving our conflicts, right? Well, right only to a certain extent. If you think happy marriage is defined as a relationship in which all problems are solved, you are headed for a great surprise. Just as there are realistic and unrealistic expectations, there are solvable and unsolvable conflicts. Yes, even very happy couples have a lot of conflicts that do not have a solution. Some get solved for just a short period and keep reappearing. Remember the famous prayer in which we ask to have the wisdom to know the difference between what we can change and what we cannot? That is exactly what we need to learn in our marriage. Making this distinction is going to save us a lot of energy and heart ache.

My next book is going to deal and give you valuable and practical techniques on how to tell the difference between solvable and unsolvable problems, how to learn to live with latter and how to reach satisfying solutions to the former.

I hope you enjoyed reading this book and playing the games it offered. I will sure be thankful for your input, comments and criticism and suggestions for improving its next version. Please visit my website and write your comments

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Who am I? My name is Yehuda, and I am a psychologist and couples therapist. I live in Israel, happily married and a proud father and grandfather. I have been practicing couples therapy and counseling for couples for more than two decades, helping many couples to improve their marriage. My own professional experience and the accumulated wisdom of great researchers and therapists have shown that the best results come from learning as early as possible how to build your relationship and practicing your knowledge on a daily basis.

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