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The Unbelievable Bill Green

By: Alfonzo Bebbits

Bill Green was not the ordinary human being. He lived in a fifty foot tower,
holding to his belief that being higher than everyone else meant that he was better. Every
day he descended his fifty foot ladder, complaining all the way. After all, why should he
have to climb a ladder when he was so much better than everyone else? Bill Green was
also the owner of a business, the Hole Diggers. This business went into people’s yards
and dug a single, two inch deep hole. He was a smaller man, approximately five foot six
and one hundred pounds. But in the world of his overflowing mind, he was an Adonis.
According to the unbelievable Bill Green, he was the judge, jury, and executioner. He
was the be all know all. He was the sun and the moon. Pretty much, Bill Green was
everything that anyone could ever want to be, with a side of fries. Bill Green had friends,
several friends. However the friends of Bill Green are not the focus of his life. Bill Green
was in school, majoring in Hole Digging Management. However, school was not the
focus of his life. Bill Green was not a religious man, after all, he created everything, and
destroyed nothing, after all, he was perfect, and if he created it, he had no need to destroy
it. Clearly, the focus of Bill Green was Bill Green. He had a very simple goal in life, and
that was to be Bill Green, after all, Bill Green was Bill Green, and that is all he needed.
On this particular day, Bill Green awoke to another day in which he would be
gracing the world with the unbelievable Bill Green. He awoke from his slumber on his
large bed and desired water. Immediately, his manservant brought Bill Green a glass of
water, with only seven pieces of ice, lest Bill Green be displeased. He drank the water
and was pleased. Bill Green then stood on his splendid two feet and gazed into his full
length mirror. Bill Green was a beautiful soul, mainly in his own world, and in few
others, mainly Bill Green’s. He stared, making poses for nearly seven hours before
realizing that Bill Green must be spread throughout the world. However, Bill Green was
hungry. Immediately, Bill Green was given nuggets. Who liked beef stew anyways? He
ate the nuggets and was greatly pleased. Now, he thought to himself, the world would be
pleased to see the unbelievable Bill Green.
He descended the ladder and was displeased by the descent. Nathan Jemken died
in a foreign land due to the displeasure of Bill Green, after all, the basic fabric of life was
controlled by Bill Green, when he was pleased, a baby was born, when he was
displeased, someone died. At least this is how he played it out in his mind. No body
outside of Greenville was affected by the smiles or frowns of Bill Green, and yet, he
thrived on the idea that the center of the world was him, and therefore all live was given
and taken by him.
Upon arrival with the ground, all grass bowed to the unbelievable Bill Green. His
lovely feet moved along the path that was deployed before him. When he entered the
town that Bill Green owned, Greenville, population, 1, he was greeted by all the town’s
inhabitants. He made his way to the head quarters of the Hole Diggers and took a seat
with all of his friends, sharing stories of their recent catches of women. However,
considering that there was only one resident in the town of Greenville, Bill Green. Wait…
maybe there were more people in the town, no, there couldn’t be, after all, this was
Greenville, and he was Bill Green. The conversation proceeded as Bill Green sat in a
lawn chair, conversing with himself. The stories he spoke of with himself were amazing
to him, he was a stud. He had heard these stories before, and yet they still amazed him.
Bill Green had a smile that was gorgeous to everyone in the town. He decided to grace
said town with his gorgeous smile.
“I am perhaps, no, not even perhaps, the greatest thing in this world.” Bill Green
said to any willing recipient.
“You are indeed, my good sir. Why, if you were not here, this town would cease to
exist.” Another resident said to him.
“Your worship is much appreciated my fellow residents.” Bill Green responded.
One of the residents sitting with Bill Green got off of his lawn chair and bowed to
the unbelievable Bill Green. Bill Green smiled to his worshipper.
“You’re right in doing so, several more seconds then you can sit back down.” The
bowing continued for several more seconds, then he rose and sat back down next to the
unbelievable Bill Green.
“Did I tell you about the female that I had relations with yesterday?” Bill Green
questioned anyone in the vicinity.
Another resident spoke up this time. “No, Bill Green, please, grace us with the
exquisite story.”
Bill Green went into a completely inappropriate story that if a cchild had heard,
the child would probably have died. However, the story continued, because Bill Green
stopped for nobody. No matter what people said, no matter how many kittens were killed
for his debauchery, he would continue, because Bill Green was the most important thing
in the entire world, the entire universe, the entire entirety. Eventually, the story ended and
the world went on as planned.
“That was unbelievable, Bill Green, if squares, plaid, bottled water, igloos, and
chicken nuggets could be embodied along with unbelievableness, it would be you.”
“Thank you, your kindness is completely necessary.”
Bill Green picked up a phone and began speaking.
“A hole? You need a hole dug in your yard? Yes, we dig holes. I’ll be there soon.”
Another resident apparently needed a hole dug in their yard. Bill Green picked up
his spade and walked off down the street. His nose was turned up into the air and the
town was bowing to the unbelievable Bill Green. His smile graced the world as he
continued on his journey. Bill Greens ego bubble was growing increasingly everyday. He
carried the shovel to the yard and dug. One, strong flip and the hole was done.
“Thank you! Bill Green, you are the most amazing at everything! You are
unbelievable Bill Green.” The client bowed multiple times to the unbelievable Bill Green
before Bill Green sauntered off. He went back to the Hole station and sat in his lawn
chair. His venomous stories of being a gigolo went through the ears of the residents of
Greenville. He smiled and laughed at his own humor.
“I am everything.” Bill Green said to all the residents.
“You are everything, Bill Green, you are everything.” The residents chimed in all
Bill Green continued the day with debaucheries and inappropriate stories that
everyone in the town loved. Finally he rose and went back to his tower, to be higher than
everyone else. His manservant made him chicken nuggets for lunch, after all, who liked
beef roast.
“Thank you, manservant, am I not the greatest thing ad infinitum?”
“You are, my liege.”
Bill Green ate with the gracefulness of a flamingo. All of the residents marveled
at the wonderfulness of the unbelievable Bill Green.
“I say, if I were gone, the earth would shrivel into a raisin, then I would eat it, and
be gone again.”
“You are correct, my liege.” Manservant complimented.
Bill Green finished his chicken nuggets and was pleased, giving birth to Herald
Gerggen. He looked out the window at Greenville and his ego grew more. The ego
bubble above dear Bill Green’s head was obscenely large.
Today was Bill Greens first day in the school of Hole Digging in the town of
Warnerburg. He made his way to the educational establishment and entered his class
room. The teacher was sitting at the desk. She smiled when the unbelievable Bill Green
entered. He sat in his chair in between two other classmates.
“I am going to take roll call now, as I don’t know any of you.” The teacher smiled
a white smile.
“Patrick Avery?”
“Ronald Bungalow?”
“Teytwana Carson?”
“Only in body.”
“Geraldine Dundeeta?”
“Horatio Elefante?”
“Felix Frick?”
“Bill Green?”
There was silence. Everyone looked around for the evasive Bill Green. He was
displeased and Roscoe Trunk died.
“Eloise Hwus?”
Bill Green cleared his throat quite loudly. The teacher looked up and then back
down at her paper
“Eloise Hwus?”
“Excuse me, ma’am?” Bill Green was now standing.
“I am Bill Green, the unbelievable Bill Green. I am renowned far and wide as the
greatest thing in all of greatness.”
“Thank you, Bill Green, please, have a seat, so we may proceed.”
“But teacher, everyone knows who I am. Why then do you not know who I am?”
“Frankly, Bill, I don’t care how amazing you truly are. As of right now, you are
equal to the rest of these students.”
Bill Green looked at his classmates, eying them contemptuously. Equal? He
thought. Equal to the unbelievable Bill Green? He looked at Felix Frick.
“You, have you ever dug a two inch hole in someone’s front yard as beautiful as
the unbelievable Bill Green?”
Felix looked at Bill Green with a look in his eye that said ‘I have killed a man,
and you might be next’ and said to Bill Green. “I have killed a man, and you might be
Bill Green was flabbergasted. “Kill me? That would shatter the basic fabrics of
this world and severely damage the space time continuum.”
Felix stood up and walked over to Bill Green, then, looking him in the eye, a full
five inches taller, Felix said to him. “Do you value oxygen? Or shall I take yours?”
Bill Green looked at Felix with a look that said ‘You breathe only because I will
it’ and said to Felix, “You breathe only because I will it.”
“CHILDREN!” The teacher had stood up and restored order to the chaotic
classroom. Felix smiled at Bill Green and returned to his seat; however, Bill Green
remained standing.
“You,” He pointed to Patrick Avery. “Have you ever…” Bill Green went into a
very graphic and down right inappropriate description of his relations with a woman from
Greenville. “Well, have you?”
Patrick looked at the unbelievable Bill Green, but said nothing.
“Bill Green, you are simply unbelievable.” The teacher was in awe at her raunchy
“Why thank you, teacher, I may show you a good time sometime, eh?” He winked
a putrid wink and the teacher vomited on her desk.
“Get out, Bill Green.”
Bill Green realized that he was too good for school anyways and left. He decided
to go back to Greenville, where all of his stories and vulgar depictions, that were false,
were accepted as scripture, if scripture had existed in Greenville. The unbelievable Bill
Green climbed to the top of his tower and was greeted by Manservant.
“How was school, my liege?”
“Not good enough. I say, Manservant, is anything worth my time? Truly my time
is more valuable than the Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grail multiplied together.
Will I ever find a worthy cause?”
“My dear liege, surely you realize now that you are everything this world has ever
wanted. I doubt that you should ever find something in a world less than you to spend
your time on.”
Bill Green was displeased, and as was the tradition, a man named Yancy Opal
died. Hence the great population boom of the recent age.
“Now, now, liege, truly this should not displease you. What is it you desire?”
“You know me, Manservant, I am perfect. What else is perfect?”
“Well, my liege, the only perfect things in this world are squares and you.”
“No, no, Manservant, that will not do, what other things have the potential to be
“A good pillow, toast, and the color blue.”
“Now, Manservant, what did you forget in that sentence?”
“Apologies, I forgot ‘my liege’, my liege.”
“Good Manservant. Now, these potentially perfect things, what could I do with
“Make toast? Paint the world blue? Sleep? My liege”
“No, Manservant, you are insolent and do not see the point. I will toast a blue
Manservant realized the error in his master’s logic, tried to hide it, but was
“You doubt me, Manservant?! Forty lashes!”
Manservant turned and put his hands against the wall. Bill Green took his cat o
nine tails and lashed away at his ever loyal manservant, Manservant. At the fortieth lash,
he set down the whip and looked at his manservant.
“What have you learned today, Manservant?”
“The will and mind of the unbelievable Bill Green is always correct and shall
never be put to question, not in my mind, nor in my speech, lest I suffer a penalty equal to
that of a thousand suns.”
“Very good, Manservant.” Bill Green desired a blue pillow case and it was given
him. He desired a toaster and it was given him. He put the blue pillow case in the toaster
and began his quest to associate with another perfect aspect of life. A flame came out of
the toaster; clearly perfection was represented by fire. The fire grew larger and larger
until the toaster dinged its ‘Your toast is done’ ding. The flame was still burning, and Bill
Green stuck his hand into the flame, attempting to pull the perfection to him. He felt pain
and recoiled.
“I smite thee, ye enemies of Bill Green.” The fire was doused by a phantom fall of
water; the earth had felt the rage of Bill Green and must comply to help him. He reached
into the toaster and pulled out his toasted blue pillow case that was now half black. Bill
Green did not like the color black and threw the pillow case down, which disappeared, as
Bill Green willed it. Bill Green was displeased and Thomas Teetole died, in a far off land.
“Manservant! The earth is denying my request for association with perfection!”
“My liege, surely the earth does not know the might of the unbelievable Bill
“Indeed , my manservant! Now, what else has the potential to be perfect?”
“My liege, nothing, the only three were already tested by your grace and proved
to be imperfect. Now, only your worshipness and squares remain untarnished.”
Bill Green desired a perfect square and immediately he was given one by the
earth. He looked at the square and was pleased.
“Manservant, this square is beautiful, but how can it be equal to me in
“It cannot match your perfection, my liege.”
Bill Green then desired that all squares be erased from the wakes of history, so
that he would remain the only unbelievable thing in the entire known universe. He then
stood on his gorgeous two feet and stared in the mirror for seven hours, making heroic
poses and smiling to himself and the rest of the world behind the mirror. Suddenly, Bill
Green was hungry, and chicken nuggets were given him. Who liked beef roast anyways?
He ate with glee. The world was pleased that Bill Green was pleased, and a baby was
born. Upon completion of his hearty meal, Bill Green decided to go back to work. He
descended his ladder and took a stroll through Greenville. When spotted, Bill Green was
worshipped by the residence. He entered the Hole HQ and was greeted by his rowdy
crowd of hooligans and whores that was Greenville.
“Master Bill Green! To what to we owe the pleasure of seeing you?”
“My fellow Hole Diggers, you owe the pleasure to me, as you owe everything
else to me. Why would you ask such a silly question?”
The Hole Diggers were not eradicated on the spot and were awed by the
graciousness of their merciful liege.
“Have I related my story of a woman I met? She wore blue and…” Bill Green
continued into the story of a bawdy rendezvous that was entirely inappropriate, but was
accepted by the earth, lest it suffer the wrath of the unbelievable Bill Green.
“Bill Green, you are the most amazing and down right perfect thing in all of
Bill Green desired someone to bow to him and one of the residence rose to his
feet, approached Bill Green and kneeled at his feet, bowing continuously.
“This is indeed how I should be treated!”
Bill Green then decided to leave the HQ and be worshipped by the entire town.
He stepped out onto the sidewalk. People everywhere bowed to him. He smiled and
waved, much like a princess, and people fainted from the perfect nature of his wave. He
continued walking as people gathered by the horde to bow to the esteemed worshipness.
A woman to approached Bill Green and bowed, causing a great pain in Bill Green’s head.
His ego bubble was becoming dangerously large. Another woman stepped up and bowed
to Bill Green. Yet again, another head splitting pain was felt. He took a step as another
man bowed down to him and his ego bubble popped. The unbelievable Bill Green had
taken his last step. The unbelievable Bill Green was dead.

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