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Ray Lawrence

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Albert In The 21st Century Archibald Page A Ventriloquists Tale. "The Clockmender." --------------------------------------------------------------

Ray Lawrence

It Could Be Verse
A Collection of Comic Verse Written By Ray Lawrence

BEING HEALTHY
Its difficult to be healthy Ive tried it once or twice There are lots of rules to follow And experts give advice All about your diet The things youre meant to eat; Some say Be vegetarian! And others say Eat meat! Drink lots and lots of water Each day and youll be fine Its good advice if only You can turn it into wine Some say that thats a miracle

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To others its an Art Be sure to make it red, though, Cos its better for your heart! Were told that too much sugar Will make us feel unwell But likewise taking too much salt Will speed the deathly knell. We need all sorts of vitamins And calcium for our bones And tons of anti-oxidants For beautiful skin tones. Eat loads and loads of berries And fibre for your guts, But you must watch out for allergies So be careful with your nuts!

THE MAZE
Little Fred is in the maze Hes been in there for sixty days. If hes not out again for dinner Hes going to be a whole lot thinner.

Ray Lawrence

CONSEQUENCES

A man who stands Upon his hands Is consequently able To see under the table.

Ray Lawrence

A LITTLE LIST
(With humble acknowledgements to W.S.Gilbert!) There may come a time, its an idea with some credence When a clever genealogist will trace my antecedents And find that Im a rightful king, the heir to somewheres throne, And in that land Ill have the right to make laws of my own Ill even choose the people there with whom to spend my days People who are just like me, with no annoying ways Just people who agree with me and everything I do Act nicely and precisely and always see things through The other lot? Ill exile them! They really wont be missed For when that time it comes to pass Ive got a little list! Those folk who like to brag and shout and throw their weight about Theyre going on my list Theyre going on my list! Theres those greedy new developers turning farmhouses to flats Bureaucrats in Education turning children into stats. Those marriage broking meddlers who tell our daughters what to do And wag their bony fingers with Have I got boys for you! Those annoying fellow travellers who play their music loud Those bipeds with their Ipods - they shouldnt be allowed! Inland Revenue Collectors who just will not desist -

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Theyre going on my list Theyre going on my list! Theres that cocky TV gardener knowing just what bed to plant Hes a snooty-culturalist and hes going on my list! All those busy health and safety folk who tell you that you cant! Theyll all go on my list yes theyre going on my list! All people who drop litter and dog-walkers who dont scoop Who sup their drinks from bottles and who let their bellies droop; All those who speak in jargon and would rather text than talk Who are suddenly gymnastic and would rather run than walk Who read the large No Smoking signs but odiously persist Theyre going on my list theyre going on my list! Theres the sleazy politicians busy with their spin They all know how to twist yes, theyre going on my list! Teenagers with their mobile phones all raucously a-din They send me round the twist yes, theyre going on my list; Those militry commanders who order up and at em! Misguided physicists who, quite careless, split the atom, Computer nerds who software write for laptops and PCs And publish their instruction books in Chinese Cantonese The vandals who despoil our walls, graffiti lampoonists Theyre going on my list yes! Theyre going on my list!

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I dont like to disappoint so - if theres any nasty guys Any Folk with dreadful habits that you think I should despise The rowdy and the raucous, any types I may have missed Just let me know their details - and Ill put them on my list!

LONG TERM PLANNING

I built a longer chicken house And after I was done The chickens were much better off In the longer run.

Ray Lawrence

THE CLOCK MENDER


Some people they can fix and mend And not be driven round the bend But when I fix and mend I find Theres always something left behind A nut, a bolt, a screw, a cleat The things I fix are incomplete! They look OK, they work, they start But very soon - they fall apart! For instance now, my mothers clock, For years it went tick-tock tick-tock It wasnt dead-on to the second, But accurate enough, I reckoned To wake me up - though as a rule It made me very late for school. But then it started playing tricks And stopped one day at half past six.

Ray Lawrence

Mother said, Well, thats OK. At least its right now twice a day! But that werent good enough for me Ill fix it mum, I said, Youll see! But mother had no faith in me Id dump it now if I were thee! Remember when you fixed Dads Harley He had to go to work with Charlie He had to go to work on scooter! And when you fixed your old grans cooker The gas blew up My! How it shook er! The house fell down around her ears Your mending always ends in tears! But I was keen - she couldnt knock My confidence Id fix that clock! I opened up the back to look At every cranny, every nook. I took the works out, turned them round

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And tapped to see if they were sound.

I tightened cogs and oiled seals And checked the pendulums and wheels, Then put the bits back where I found em And where they didnt fit I ground em! I fixed them all, then very quick I wound the spring the clock went tick Then tock and tick and tick and tock There was no doubt Id fixed that clock! Look, Mum! I cried, Now aint that neat

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Its fixed and running nice and sweet! Said she "That's great now, really grand But the clock, it seems, has lost a hand..." You can tell the hour but not the minute I told you that you ought to bin it! That clock yes I have it still It stands upon my windowsill When it says four oclock I know Its half past five in Tokyo Its six oclock in uptown Cork And half past nine in old New York Its coming up to ten in Greece Its early breakfast time in Nice But as for what the time is here It could be any time next year!

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ALBERT IN THE 21st CENTURY

Youve eard of young Albert Ramsbottom, Who were ate by a lion, poor lad, It were orrible day for is parents But now twould be ten times as bad. Consider whats appened in Britain Since Albert were dinner for Cat Theres been Europe and all that palaver Health and Safety, the Euro and that. Theres been all these new regulations

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To confuse, discombobulate folk, Lists of Rules, such a concatenation That our freedoms have gone up in smoke. If Albert and parents Ramsbottom Went to t zoo now twould seem strange, Theyd see nothing thats locked up in cages All the creatures are roaming - free range. Theres been an explosion of Red Tape Human Rights and Animals too Theres a form to fill in every minute Youll soon need one to prove you are you! You cant even say goo to a baby To the child they say thats not fair A manoles now neuter in gender And the Chairmans turned into The Chair. And look at the shape of tomatoes Theyre thinking of making them square And you cant buy your taters in ounces Nor a vitamin cream for your hair. Now Albert e cannot poke lion With is orses ead andled end stick And lion e dares not swallow the lad Cos ed likely end up down the nick. See - theyve got all these new regulations

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That really do get on your wick Theyve even banned playing with conkers An amburgers vended out quick. Alberts ten an es watching cholestrol Cant enjoy a fried fish nor a chip And e cannot wear shoes with shoelaces In case e should trip-up and slip. Nowadays the poor lion darent touch im Without papers from Town All or Vet E cant swallow the lad without permit Or theyll sue im and ell be in debt. The gorillas they ave to eat nanas Of a regular size shape and bend And we ave to do measures in metres Im asking Where will it all end?

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I USED TO KNOW CHARLES DARWIN


I used to know Charles Darwin I called him CD once or twice I met him horse riding And joined in the chiding His theories were not very nice! He caused quite a schism A great cataclysm Between science and church on this planet He said Homo Sapes Were related to Apes And tomatoes to fresh pomegranates! To some hes a Champ To others a tramp A trumpeter of wild theories But now I can see As I swing from this tree He was right do you have any queries?

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DAISY THE COW

Said Daisy to her local shrink Ive turned into a cow, I think. Said he, not wishing to be rude I think its just a passing moo-oo-oo-d.

ARCHIBALD PAGE

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Archibald Page used to get in a rage Cos he wanted so much to perform on the stage. He sang and he danced remarkably well He could rattle off jokes, a good monologue tell But theatrical agents advised him to quit Youre remarkably good, but your face doesnt fit! My face doesnt fit? No your face doesnt fit! Youve plenty of talent, youve plenty of wit But you dont look the part lad - your face doesnt fit! Archibald Page got into a rage He desperately wanted to get on to the stage He wandered the streets from theatre to club But wherever he went he received that old snub Youve got all the talents we have to admit But were awfully sorry - your face doesnt fit! My face doesnt fit? Your face doesnt fit If I were you, laddy, Id go home and quit! Then - next to the Church of our Mother The Virgin He saw an advert for the Best Plastic Surgeon Set in a wall on a brass plate no less,

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Sir Higgledy Piggledy, FRCS Whether its boobs or whether its conks Im the best Plastic Surgeon that youve seen in Yonks!

Archibald Page with a cry of elation Stepped in through that door for a quick consultation Sir Higgledy saw him, forbade him to sit Cried Get out of here, sir! Your face doesnt fit! My face doesnt fit? No your face doesnt fit! I know its quite rude, sir, but I dont give a whit Get out of here now, cos your face doesnt fit! Almost in tears then was Archibald Page With his vanishing dreams of success on the stage Sir Higgledy please! came his desperate plea Please fix me a face job please fix one for me Im getting, dear Doc, to the end of my wits I need a new face, sir and I need one that fits! I know Ive a face that would sink Helens fleet It isnt a face that is pleasant or sweet For one eye is up and the others low slung They called me Isaiah when I was young And my ears are so big that they flap in the breeze

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And my nose is so long it goes down to my knees Take pity on me, sir, I need a new face Or Ill jump in the river and sink without trace. Sir Higgledy thought of his oath Hippocratic How hed sworn to help folk whose health was erratic But how lately his medical ethics had crashed For now he did boob jobs and noses for cash Hed opted right out of the NHS ranks And only took patients with cash in the banks (And it must be admitted he was quite a wiz At transferring money from their banks to his!) But now he took pity on Archibald Page Hed give him a face-job for minimum wage. To choose the right face, now, theres cons and theres pros Its very important to pick the right nose And if you should want beauty prizes to win You should be very careful to pick the right chin I can give you new eyes, hide your ears in your hair Give your cheeks a few tweaks, give your nostrils a flare But here is a bonus I have in my store A whole host of livers and kidneys galore, Ive fingers and kneecaps and hearts by the score Ill transplant the lot its really no chore!

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Ill make you a face and a body to suit Theyll fit anywhere - and theyre ever so cute.

Now SURELY youve heard of Archibald Page Youve seen him on telly youve seen him on stage Youd never believe once his face didnt fit Til that day when Sir Higgledy made him a hit A singer, an artiste, doyen of the Arts Well known as an actor who takes many parts!

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THREE PIECES IN MEMORIUM


THOMAS BURNS. Who lies here but Thomas Burns Whod the curious habit of eating worms? But now hes met the reaper grim He lies here and they eat him.

PAT OCASEY.
Here lies, lamented, Pat OCasey, An Irish Jockey of whom, youve heard, In his last and tragic race he Fell off his horse and came interred. SMYTHE. Here lies Smythe in death frustrated For twas his wish to be cremated But due to simple legal error He now lies six feet under terra!

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A VENTRILOQUISTS TALE

It all began in Harley Street, one day in June, I think, A ventriloquist lay on the couch of Dr Grace Ells, Shrink She was a famed psychiatrist, a Doctor of the mind And she tells the strangest story of any you will find About this small ventriloquist whose name was Alfred Phipps Who spoke of everything on earth, but never moved his lips. The problem is my dummy, said Mister Alfred Phipps I call him little Benny, hes good with jokes and quips, But now hes took me over it really werent my choice Hes got me sitting on his knee and speaking with his voice!

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Ive tried to fight it, yes I have, cos life gets pretty crummy Being a ventriloquist when youre smaller than your dummy! Oh bother me, thought Dr. Ells here comes another nutter Last week I had a blind man who thought he was a shutter. Ive had Elvises by the hundred and countless Einsteins A man who thought he was a grape got into vintage wines. A journalist imagining hes Nelson - very solemn, Who went insane in Fetter Lane cos no-one read his column; I get three Napoleons every week, a doggy man named Rover, And now and then fight off a guy who thinks hes Casanova! But Doctor Ells remembered her Hippocratic oath Her patient and his dummy she must try to cure them both. Tell me how you met him, this Little Benny dummy Just relax and watch my eyes, rest your hands upon your tummy.

Ill lull you off to sleep now, its what we call hypnosis
Well soon get to the bottom of your peculiar psychosis! Very soon he was entranced, that small ventriloquist Under strange hypnotic powers that he just could not resist And in a high-pitched, squeaky voice reminiscent of a dummy Alfred went through all his life, commencing with his mummy. I was a very little chap, reaching only to your knee

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Though you are neat and quite petite, no more than five foot three. I think that as a consequence of my restricted height I was bullied every day at school, morning, noon and night My Dad did flee when I was three and never came no more Me and my mum lived in a slum, straw strewed across the floor,

We had no food, we had no drink, and we had no cause for smi-olin


(Hot tears pricked the Doctors eyes she played her violin). We really had no fun in life so we ran off to the circus They worked us hard, as hard could be, as hard they could work us But we enjoyed those carefree days, some sunny and some shady I became a merry clown, my mum a bearded lady. I learned to ride an elephant and how to tame a li-on And fell in love with bareback Bess, a girl to keep your eye on. Twas then I learnt to throw my voice, which Bess found most amusing, I used to say A gottle o geer, sometimes, when we were boozing. Wed sit and spoon beneath the moon and, with stationery lips, I would aver my love for her, and scoff my fish and chips.

Each night I played a serenade outside her caravan Until she wed Ferocious Fred the Circuss Strong Man I was dismayed, but unafraid I challenged Fred to du-el But he was three times biggern me and many times more cru-el

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He jumped on my head and left me for dead, twas days before I woke, And found my heart and every part, except my voice, was broke So the time had come to give my life a very different twist I made the choice to use my voice as a ventriloquist.
I went and bought a dummy in a town called Abervenny

And that is how I came to meet my good friend little Benny. At first he did as he was bid, repeated words verbatim, And told my jokes to all the folks I could not overrate im But then I saw, could not ignore, the way young Benny changed He would not say the words I said and we became estranged Enough! he cried, I will not be your dummy any more, Im fed up with your bony knees, theyve made my bottom sore! Your scripts no good, your patters worse, your jokes theyre just not funny Im taking over, Daddy-O! Were going to make some money! And ever since that fateful day Ive been under his command With him the great ventriloquist and me worked by his hand! Its so embarrassing for me Im sorry, I cant hack it He makes me sit upon his knee, his hand stuck up my jacket! Dear Dr. Ells do help me please; its true - Im an acute case But Im frightened that, if this goes on, Ill be in Bennys suitcase

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Dr Ells poured out some Bells and did some heavy thinking

Picked up the Scotch, looked at her watch and did some heavy drinking.
Ive heard your tale now Mr Phipps and listened to your saga And must conclude, not being rude, youre just completely ga-ga! Dont argue please, thats not a guess youre nuts beyond a doubt

Thats eighty guineas for my time - please pay as you go out!

FRIENDS
You can travel to the moon You can walk around the block You can hover in a balloon You can wear a brand new frock You can follow all the latest fads and fashionable trends But theres nothing quite like being with your friends. You can dine on caviar And drink Chateauneuf du pape You can pig out on foie gras And have Chardonnay on tap You can race a sporty car around the tightest of hair bends But theres nothing quite like being with your friends.

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You can shop until you drop If it really turns you on You can run and skip and hop Until your energys all gone You can live life to the full and burn the candle at both ends But theres nothing quite like being with your friends!

BETTY FROM THE BAKERS SHOP


Ill start my story from the top Said Betty from the bakers shop. Ill tell the truth, Ill not deceive Though parts of it youll not believe. It all concerns my cousin Sue Attendant at the Public Loo Located close to Platform two Of Railway Station - Central - Crewe. Mophead Sue - she got that name From cleaning loos to great acclaim With Flash and Vim and Mr Muscle Her life was one long cleaning bustle. Attacking tiles, basins, tops

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With steaming buckets, suds and mops Until those toilets, gleaming clean, Won Queens Awards for hyer-giene. Sues loo became so well renowned They put it on the Tourist Round And eager folks put down deposits For viewing Mopheads water closets. The leader of our government A noble man, a proper gent At Number 10, whilst cogitating His disappointing poll-vote rating Espied an item in the paper Describing Mopheads toilet caper. There, emblazoned on page two, Was photograph of Cousin Sue. Englands best-kept Public Loo Railway Station Central Crewe. And underneath it did proclaim This lady should be made a Dame She toils hard both day and night To keep her toilets gleaming bright Never wandering from her station - A great example to our Nation.

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The Honours List, now thats the key Make her, at least, an MBE! Said PM Right Ive got the gist Ill put her on the honours list Im sure that it wont prove a goof My ratings will go through the roof! A letter then for Sue did come, From Buckingham Palace, South West One, Proclaiming Dearest Madame Mop Of your career youve reached the top You will receive an MBE On twelfth of June at half past three. Make sure youre prompt and dont delay Ive hundreds more to do that day! Twas signed like all the honours is Your Royal Majesty Queen Liz. Poor Sue she cried she didnt wanna Have this honour heaped upon er I dont deserve an MBE An ordinary lass like me Besides wholl keep my toilets clean

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While Im in London seeing Queen? She would not go, point-blank refused But PM he was not amused He ranted and he raved a bit Called Mophead Sue a stupid twit Unitl his wife said What to do Is send the Prince of Wales to Crewe Cant you see that hes the key? Hell bestow her MBE And everyone will shout and cheer And vote for you, you clever dear! Yes! Yes! Youre right, The PM cried Well have another great landslide! But so that nothings left to chance Well do it with pomp and circumstance. The Prince will have a big brass band To play him in well do it grand! Here was a man who could not falter He thought that he could walk on water Well hire a circus, famous fun And have a day with lots of sun. Well hire jesters, comic folk Magicians that can tell a joke

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Well hand out beer and crates of gin Theres never been a better spin! Well throw a banquet, cried his spouse With wine and champers best in house Well roast a cow and half a pig - Damien Hurst can do a gig! Prince Charles and the band they came Clanking in on Virgin train Greeted by the merry throngs Chanting patriotic songs. People came from far and wide Covered all the countryside Fortune tellers, tumblers, clowns, Bearded ladies wearing gowns, Fire-eaters breathing flares Costers shouting out their wares Morris Dancers tinkling bells Fairground men with carousels. Amidst the music and the cheer A Magician, much the worse for beer, Produced a Rabbi from a hat The people cried out hey! Whos that? He said I had such nasty habits

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When I was just producing rabbits But now I have dyslexia Rabbis are much sexier! They talked about that day for years Over teas and over beers The big brass band, the Morris Dancers The fireworks, the Royal Lancers The Circus and the childrens fair How all the great and good were there Undoubtedly it was great fun, But inappropriate to some A disproportionate expense For such a small convenience!

FACIALS
You ask why my face is so young and so youthful Well, if I must be honest, if I must be truthful Although it's a tempting and plausible notion To believe that it's me its just soap and fine lotion!

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A touch of paint here, a dab of cream there (Some licked and some flicked - from a chocolate clair!) With oceans of lotions and potions galore I've dabbed and massaged, I've slapped and I've poured I've scrubbed and I've rubbed and I've scraped and I've shaped I've folded and peeled and I've tucked and I've draped After years my complexions now peaches and cream From forehead to chin I am Hollywood's dream But it's all an illusion, I lie through my teeth Im smooth on the surface, but wrinkled beneath.

SIMON BRENT

Simon Brent had several knees All over his body, if you please. He met with disapproving faces Whenever he bent in silly places.

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THE SQUIRE
The Squire and his pals Have shot all the pheasants and quails But do not weep The birds are going cheep.

OF RICH AND POOR


Young Thomas at his many schools Heeded not the golden rules To keep his head down every day To study rather than to play Said he youll never teach to me The myths of maths or history Geographys a no-go zone Biologys just skin and bone Latin has been dead for years And French reduces me to tears At such things I seem obtuse But tell me, please, what is their use? My interests lie in things through which I can become exceeding rich!

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Imagine then his familys horror His mothers face so pinched with sorrer His fathers constantly a-frown See Thomas how youve let us down! Look at Percy, next-doors boy He is his parents pride and joy He always comes top of his class Results for him are always PASS. How constantly it seems Ive said it Perce always comes out with a credit. For Percy, now, to tell the truth He was the most scholastic youth. At ancient Greek, at Maths and Latin He passed whatever tests he sat in. At maths he was a perfect gem A genius at phys. and chem An Einstein at electronics A Chancellor at Economics. In short to Oxbridge Percy went, Much to Toms daddys loud lament For Thomas opted out of school And set up with a market stall Purveying to his parents grief -

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Ladies UNDERWEAR - most brief. The years rolled by and clever Percy Published books both prose and versy Academic works - most dry Discoursing on philosophy Discussing mystries of creation And histories of state and nation, For which his scale remuneration Included superannuation With now and then a little bursry Which fed his children in their nursry. For Percy, brilliant, much applauded Was not excessively rewarded And lived a very humble life With his three children and his wife In their house - two up, two down In not the better part of town. Meanwhile, Thomas, young black sheep The fruits of business deals did reap Vaulted economic hurdles Plied his trade in pants and girdles Progressing up from market stalls

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Into supermarket halls, Opened branches nationwide His merchandise diversified Until he owned the biggest chain Of superstores from here to Spain. For which, the truth must be recorded He was excessively rewarded And owned a country house in Berks A string of cars of vintage marques, A London house in Belgrave Square In gay Paree a pied-a-terre From which young Thomas and his wife Enjoyed a leisured, fruitful life. Of Thomas and of Percy who Would care to choose between the two? For in their different ways, it seems, They BOTH had realised their dreams!

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WHAT A GORILLA!
I went along to see the beasties They keeps in London Zoo Some of them must be at least as Ugally as you - I saw the iguana and the crocodile too Elephants and ippos and a llama from Peru.

But the gorilla was the animal What fair gave me some shocks E was nearly six foot two A-standing in his socks. E leaps abart is cage an on the bars e knocks An bangin on the congcrete floor e makes the ouses rock.

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What a great big bulk of ate e were What a great big bulk of ate I never seed An ape what beed As ateful as e were. E were sitting on the floor there A-crunchin wiv is teeth Wiv is body all covered in shaggy air On top and underneath. An e squints at me wiv is piggy eyes I is shakin like a leaf An when e turns is ead away I is filled up with relief! An what an ugally shape e were What an ugally lookin ape An Anfapoid You should avoid Out in is jungle lair. I didnt like im one little bit A-sitting there so grim I really think e ated me An I sure ated im!

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E really got me dander up Is nose Id like to ave socked An I woulda done, but lucky for im Is cage were proper locked!

MOLLYS SHOES
Molly Pugh was most confused Whenever she bought a pair of shoes. Her left foot and her right, she cursed, Were on each others legs - reversed. Her left foot which was on her right For her right shoe was too tight Whilst her right foot on her left Was in width somewhat bereft Which leads us to the sad conclusion That Molly had trouble putting shoes on.

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NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS


Theres my next door neighbour Fred He keeps standing on his head He thinks that he was born Australi-an His wife, she gets confused Always talking to his shoes And resolves that he must stop it if he can! My Uncle Jeremiah Hes resolved to join the choir But he hasnt got a voice And thats the truth!I suppose its just as well Cos the choir sounds like hell Like cats a-caterwauling on the roof! Cousin Paul says its no joke He will keep away from smoke No cigarettes will touch his lips no more Hes bought a ciggy holder That stretches from his shoulder Around the room and then straight out the door!

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Last year my cousin Emma Faced a terrible dilemma Should she abstain from chocolates or sex? Her husband, Cousin Jay Didnt notice either way But the milkman he was looking rather vexed. Auntie Maude resolved her thighs To reduce by exercise But Uncle Ted was full of ifs and buts A wife with slimmer thighs Would be pleasing on the eyes, But who the hell would crack his Christmas nuts?

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ILL ALWAYS REMEMBER MY DENTIST (She was only a dentists daughter, but she certainly knew the drill!)
Ill always remember my dentist The one I had down in the south She sang songs by Elvis from Memphis And she always looked down in the mouth Orthodontics to her was horrendous No picnic for her, pulling teeth, An animal trainer shed rather have been A steeplejack, sailor or thief, A lumbering Jill in the forest Or a tar sailing yachts on a reef. But her mother she loved social climbing She was always a bit of a snob For her girl it must be a profession Not for her any second rate job But Accountant, or Lawyer, or doctor To her they meant nothing but grief So she ended up being a dentist And now shes fed up to the teeth!

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THE DO-IT-YOURSELFER
Have you ever noticed when youre doing it yourself? Whether its for pleasure or whether its for health That no matter how you plan it Nor how much you think it through The very things that shouldnt happen almost always do! Weve all had that creaky floorboard - You know, the noisy type We bash it down and put the nail straight through a water pipe. So - then - its up into the loft (with dusty rubbish crammed) To try to turn the water off - and find the stopcocks jammed. So, we hit it with a hammer to try to shake it loose A flood of water gushes out - and all the lights get fused. In the dark we bump our heads, snapping loose a tooth Our feet go through the ceiling and our heads go through the roof No - Its not exactly easy or conducive to good health Taking on the role of handyman and doing it yourself! There are, of course, the other jobs that tend to tax us less The easy tasks that just demand a masters mind at chess -

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Such as - the place the plumber chose to pass his pipe-run through Its just the spot we always choose to sink our longest screw So we have to make the shelf weve planned extend an inch or two Or cut it short, or move it round or fix it out of true. Or then again, that routine job, replacing things that break Fittings that were standard but now no-one can make. Where once there was a U bend an S on us they foist The only way to fit it in - is by sawing through the joist Unless you turn the bathroom round and to make it work at all You have to put the taps outside and step in through the wall. And life, of course, has now become quite hopeless and so hectic They measure width in yards these days whilst length they measure metric. No - Its not exactly easy or conducive to good health Taking on the role of handyman and doing it yourself! Hanging paper on a wall its easy - so they say Its getting off the old stuff keeps you busy all the day Your predecessors put it up and thought it would be quaint To stick it up with lashings of wood glue and thick gloss paint Careless of the fact that it would harden diamond tough And it wouldnt be their problem getting off the filthy stuff! Well, weve scraped it and weve wet it, weve pulled it and weve chivvied

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Weve wept at it and screamed at it, at times become quite livid But all our remonstrations have had no effect at all Except to sorely tempt us to sledgehammer down the wall. No - Its not exactly easy or conducive to good health Taking on the role of handyman and doing it yourself! So in the end we weaken, give professionals a call We ask them if theyll quote us (if we hear from them at all). Then comes the local builder with leer from ear to throat Cogitating all the numbers he can toss into his quote; First he prods and pokes your wall and drinks some of your scotch Commenting that the last man here has made an awful botch. Naturally, of course, its just his cup of tea Hell fix it in a trice if youll forget the VAT And when he quotes a figure well, you think that youve misheard For he evidently thinks that youre a very rich old bird. No, its not exactly easy or conducive to good health But doing it yourself is so much healthier for your wealth!

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TALL MARY
Mary was a tall colleen The tallest lass you've ever seen. Her skirts, however long she got em, Would always show a bit of bottom.

GREGORY THE MONK


Gregory the Monk, its said, Should really have run off and wed. He was inclined, it much distresses, To pulling off young ladies' dresses And when the Abbot cautioned him To curb this most unvirtuous whim To cease this most IMPIOUS pranking Of grabbing ladies skirts and yanking "For can't you see what you are doin Will bring our Monastery to ruin?"

Said Gregory "Excuse my passion For tearing off young ladies fashion But when I see a female beauty

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I consider HER my bootyAnd though I do not coax or flirt I can't help ripping off her skirt! But fear not for the reputation Of our great monastic station For be assured that WHEN I GRAB IT I do so purely OUT OF HABIT!"

CHILDREN
Little girls should be seen not heard! But thats absurd! Whoever heard Of little girls who never said a word? And the same can be said for little boys

Who never ever make a noise!

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WHAT THE FAT BOY EATS


Sausages, eggs and marzipan, Jelly mousse and cheesy flan, Chocolates, nuts and sticky sweets, Thats what the Fat Boy eats. Bacon from a greasy pan, Baked beans from an old tin can, Cakes and caramels and treats Thats what the Fat Boy eats.

Profiteroles with butter cream,

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Fudge and butterscotch ice cream, Hazel nuts and brandy snaps, Marmalade and toasted baps, Chocolate sauce with shepherds pies, Marron parfait, meringue ice, Chocolate Battenberg and mousse, Puddings steamed with charlotte-rousse, Cornish pasties fried with jam, Macaroons and strawberry flan, Nougat, liquorice, chocolate drops Popcorn, toffee, sticky pops, Cream whipped up with sweet sweetmeats THATs what the Fat Boy eats. He says he does it cos hes needy I think he does it cos hes greedy!

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VERSONALITIES
Judas Iscariot Was good with a lariot, But The Lady of Shallotte Tied herself in a knot. Rudolf Valentino Read The Dandy and The Beano But Mickey Mouse Wouldnt have them in the house. Sir Isaac Newton Was often to be seen with a new suit on, But Sir Christopher Wren Wore the same old suit again and again and again St. Francis of Assissi Found talking to birds relatively easy Whereas, Charles Dickens Never did manage to communicate with chickens.

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Anne of Cleeves Adored wearing long sleeves, But Johannes Brahms Preferred his halfway up his arms. Sir Arthur Bliss Was just going to give me a kiss When Thomas Aquinas Came between us! Boadicea and statues various Are really quite hilarious Whereas Nelsons Column Is awfully solemn. Burke and Hare Never went up in the air But Allcock and Brown Hardly ever came down. John Milton Stayed at The Hilton But Queen Victoria Preferred the Waldorf Astoria.

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Charles Babbage Couldnt think of a word to rhyme with cabbage So George Raft Said he was daft. Thomas Mann Peed into a can But Harriet Beecher Stowe Used Edgar Allens poe. Someone said, Samuel Morse is Out of resources, So El Cid Lent him a quid. President Mitterand Stayed until the bitter end, But Proust Vamoosed. Sir Lancelot Cared a lot But Barbarossa Didnt give a tossa.

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William Booth Slept up near the roof But Roger Casement Had a cot in the basement. Said Spinoza I may not know what trendy clothes are But I can certainly tell when Bertrand Russell Is wearing a bustle!

IM ADAMANT, I THINK
There can be no doubt about it, Im adamant, I think, That I saw the Loch Ness Monster, very vague, but quite distinct. He had big rolling eyes and a set of wicked teeth He was there down in the loch Or at least thats my belief. His body was all green - and lumpy with red dots Though he may have been dark blue and those lumps, perhaps, were spots. He was shaped just like a serpent and he chased me with a roar At least I think he chased me - I cannot be too sure. Yes! There is no doubt about it, Im positive I think

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That I saw the Loch Ness Monster but it might have been the drink!

EYES AND NOSE


If you were wise Could you devise A better place to put your eyes? And do you think you could propose A better place to put your nose? Im thinking maybe God was right To put them both just at head height.

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CROCODILES
The Crocodile tis my belief Needs lots of help to clean his teeth Its not surprising that the dentist Will usually send in his apprentice!

...AND CENTIPEDES
I wonder if Centipedes keep stocks Of hundreds and hundreds of pairs of socks? Thats why If you should hear a load of sloshing Itll be Mrs Centipede doing the washing!

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NATURE/NURTURE?
Does anyone know the present state Of the Nature/Nurture great debate? Its an Open Question and for some Each side has doubts to overcome. The Verger no doubt thinks its true That God has Power over You He thinks, whatever circumstance, In Life theres nothing left to chance We simply cant ignore the facts We reap the Harvest of our acts; But some think nurtured - good or bad We ape the ancestors we had; That character in all creatures movin, Like filigree is interwoven Within our genes. In every case

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The nose that grows upon our face Mimics the nose some forebear sported Which proves that genes cannot be thwarted. And, like a lintel careful placed Above a door, to building brace, Our genes ensure the human race Although displaced from place to place Will always take the human form Will not mutate too far from norm So, each man looks much like his brother And his wife, in time, becomes her mother!

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ANNE BOLEYN

Said Anne Boleyn Ive lost my head Where is it? I cant tell! Id help you look, King Charles said, But Ive lost mine as well!

That's it Folks -

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See You again soon!

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