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Start of log week of 11/1/2011-11/8/2011: We enter into this inquiry, bringing to awareness this process that is violently projecting

g itself outward, striving. And as we do this, we find ourselves profoundly integrating, rising out of that canal like crevice going nowhere that our pain, which we drunkenly blind ourselves with, thinking that it will "free" us from pain by a perpetual dominant continuation of its process, creates. And as we enter into this, we find that this desire for pleasure and avoidance of pain begins to cease, for that is all one continuity in and of itself. We begin to find ourselves simultaneously fully immersed in this unity of pleasure and pain and liberated from it. We begin to find perceived contradictions arising and fusing at the same level - so, for instance, we might simultaneously hold absolute success and absolute failure at the same level, terror and bliss, delusion and clarity, integration and disintegration, sameness and difference. The effects of this can be profound. The best way to describe this is that sameness and difference are perceived simultaneously, with this "perception" arising as a flowing movement. "I", in this instance, appears as a term used for the sake of convenience, but it does not carry the type of impact that did as a dominating factor. This has played out in very interesting ways. For instance, "I" can relate an experience that "I" underwent on Nov. 2, at approximately 9:35 PM. "I" was late for "my" logic class, and as the fact of that dawned on me, an awareness emerged of this primordial stress reaction screaming "I am in mortal danger. I am going to die." And at this moment an awareness of what had previously been experienced began to emerge, that this "I" that we so often delude ourselves with is a kind of black hole, attempting to overcome it's fear of dissolution by totally dominating it's surrounding environment. Immediately, as this realization enters into awareness, hilarity ensues, and we stand in amazement at the tragically comic reality that so many of us spend so much of our time deluding ourselves, blindly adhering to this domineering process. The effect of this on our relationships with each other can also be profound. For this matrix of coercion that seems to underlie our relations with each other, in spite of our acknowledgement of it, that manifests itself as pursuit vs. avoidance, one of us trying to dominate the other, using the other as a sedative and salve for "our" own insecurities, dissolves. At this moment, an entirely new perspective emerges. This appears to add an incredible "nonviolence" to our relationships, though nonviolence seems to be an entirely inadequate descriptor, it appears playfulness is the more appropriate term. And so, as game players, we dive into experiences together.

Is it possible to give awareness to everything that arises, without condemning or identifying with any of it?

Another person who has experienced what is occurring right now is Jiddu Krishnamurti. Of course, this has nothing to do with Ben Steigmann or Krishnamurti, rather, this totality is expressing itself with

different words depending on the organism it ignites. Do not attempt to intellectually understand this. Instead, give total attention to that which is attempting to intellectually understand this. Words pointing in this direction come from the book The First and Last Freedom. The relevant excerpt is from p. 81: When you see the whole process, the cunning, extraordinary inventions, the intelligence of the self, how it covers itself up through identification, through virtue, through experience, through belief, through knowledge; when you see that the mind is moving in a circle, in a cage of its own making, what happens? When you are aware of it, fully cognizant of it, then are you not extraordinarily quiet not through compulsion, not through any reward, not through any fear? When you recognize that every movement of the mind is merely a form of strengthening the self, when you observe it, see it, when you are completely aware of it in action, when you come to that point not ideologically, verbally, not through projected experiencing, but when you are actually in that state then you will see that the mind, being utterly still, has no power of creating. Whatever the mind creates is in a circle, within the field of self. When the mind is non-creating there is creation, which is not a recognizable process.

Imagine every part of your body engaged in omnidirectional breath.

Its like, when talking to people, this process is assuming modalities. It would be fascinating to see what would happen if the other person was aware of this process, likewise entering into identity as one might put on a costume.

It appears that at present, things that we previously had to do assume the qualities of preferences. I could be struck dead right now and it would appear entirely similar and entirely different to if I had decided to keep on living. Yet at present preferences arise to continue game playing.

We talked about pleasure and pain as a continuum and a unity ultimately the same process. Imagine simultaneous investment and non-investment in this process, whereupon it assumes a flowing, ribbon like quality.

Is it possible to be totally integrated? It appears so. It seems that total comprehension of this infinitesimal, seemingly all-encompassing and yet entirely non-existent splinter in the soul, this process that even the striving towards integration perpetuates, is that fact.

Something arises which could be called love yet it is of an entirely different quality from a crush or the psychotic, knife like qualities of the statement I love you. What is this vitality that has arisen?

There is so much here that is so much more interesting than 99.9999% of the things we blindly occupy ourselves with! So much beyond what we imagine ourselves capable of!

This is simultaneously totally non-personal and yet the total person is animated with a fire that in its previous state it could not fathom.

This arising of simultaneous a and not a may appear confusing to the logical mind. English, which in its normal form appears to be a declaration of war on the surrounding environment, finds itself faced with phenomena outside its scope of classification.

The best way to describe this is total awareness of everything that arises.

It is beautiful even the dynamism that flows into the modalities that are temporarily manifesting themselves.

This is absolutely fascinating to see this because I appeared to have, for many years, particularly the last 2 prior to this (school year), a near absolute contempt for most things that could have very easily manifested itself in a Lenin-like incident. I could have become very much like Lenin, and contributed, probably for idealistic purposes, a similar amount of destruction in the world. And this is even more interesting because at the time Vladimir Lenin appeared as the manifestation of attributes that I most despised absolute destruction and enslavement by means of deception.

It appears incredibly liberating to enter into a state of profound negativity, illuminating the hideousness of ourselves and our relations with others constituting what we call society, these utterly malicious actions that we simultaneously perpetrate and are victimized by, awareness of which appears to point the way towards transformation. What is it that fears this? Is it possible to give total attention to this process?

What an interesting similarity between the words idea and idiot. Is an idiot, in this case, one who has allowed himself to be totally dominated by the maelstrom of ideas?

What appears to be taking place now is a simultaneous total immersion and liberation from everything around me and within and without me.

To the extent that you are bestowing authority on me for these statements it is entirely your delusional grasping. What is it that is attempting to bestow authority?

A phenomenon of genius arises, with genius being defined as creative reception and insight. And simultaneously, you might imagine me to be idiotic. All of this is true. Yet at this level, all this noise becomes entirely irrelevant.

Some people in my life praised me immensely for being hyper-intelligent. Others criticized me for being extremely stupid. A pattern emerged attempting to cling to the idea of intelligence and avoid the idea of stupidity. Yet both of these arose and even that distinction went.

Everything is new right now.

For some reason, a deep fascination with physics emerges both of inner space and outer space. This definition of physics incorporates the original definition and understanding, if this at all makes sense.

This is very much like living in day to day life, yet the experience is qualitatively quite different.

There occurs a sort of freeing up of tension, and a reservoir of energy that had hitherto been wasted in egoic dramas is now available.

What happens is you realize what you are doing and the qualitative experience underlying the unity of yourself and the world transforms before your eyes.

How to describe this? Imagine wind flowing freely forever.

Allow me to make this entirely clear there is this, and there is mass psychosis.

We think we love each other. It is amazing how thoroughly we despise each other. What we are doing is sitting here or standing, with this self-reflective "conscious" movement violently projecting itself outward, seeking total domination. So, for instance - I might wish to gain knowledge in a particular area, but my motivation is to use this as a path to a kind of pseudo-power. In being with someone, it is out of the idea that this will make my life more interesting or that I am being a "good person". In relationships, we are using others as a path to some kind of gratification. As parents, we do not love our children, rather, we wish for our children to fulfill our ideal, thus furthering the scope of this domination drive. We are using others as tools, as a means of expanding this violent process! In this respect we are all totalitarians. It is essential to totally understand this. If this cannot be realized, then the present catastrophe will only continue, ever expanding, until it reaches its ultimate triumph of universal destruction, or at least destruction to the total extent of our technological capabilities. Is it possible for this insidiousness to end? Is it possible to give total, absolute attention to this process? For it is at this point that actual power, and love, emerges.

There is this, and thats it everything else is a violent movement turning inward upon itself.

What we think of as consciousness appears neither personal nor collective. In other words, it is not that I am here and you are there. It is also not that I am dissolved in a greater entity. Rather, this is all one experience.

Somebody says I love you. Somebody says I hate you. This is the exact same thing. There is this violent process that when it says I love you is looking to use you for its gratification and expansion of dominating power. When this violent process says I hate you, it is looking to kill you for its gratification and expansion of dominating power. Is it possible to give total, non-judgmental attention to this process?

What arises, then, is a sense of wonder and compassion.

There is, right now, an incredible peace.

Many people will use the phrase I am to describe this. Yet even that appears to be inadequate. Rather, a more appropriate phrase appears to be there is this.

Ones immediate desire then, is to share this with others. Yet it seems extraordinarily inefficient to walk up to somebody and say, there is an incredible violence inside all of us. Is it possible to give total, nonjudgmental attention to this process? What is the best way of communicating this? For it appears to be the only way to remedy the present catastrophe.

Another Krishnamurti quote which appears quite relevant (The First and Last Freedom, p. 119): One must first see the extraordinarily subtle activities of the `me', of the mind, one must become aware of the ideas, beliefs, speculations and put them all aside, for they are deceptions, are they not? Others may have experienced reality; but if you have not experienced it, what is the good of speculating about it or imagining that you are in essence something real, immortal, godly? That is still within the field of thought and anything that springs from thought is conditioned, is of time, of memory; therefore it is not real. If one actually realizes that - not speculatively, not imaginatively or foolishly, but actually sees the truth that any activity of the mind in its speculative search, in its philosophical groping, any assumption, any imagination or hope is only self-deception - then what is the power, the creative energy that brings about this fundamental transformation? Perhaps, in coming to this point, we have used the conscious mind; we have followed the argument, we have opposed or accepted it, we have seen it clearly or dimly. To go further and experience more deeply requires a mind that is quiet and alert to find out, does it not? It is no longer pursuing ideas because, if you pursue an idea, there is the thinker following what is being said and so you immediately create duality. If you want to go further into this matter of fundamental change, is it not necessary for the active mind to be quiet? Surely it is only when the mind is quiet that it can understand the enormous difficulty, the complex implications of the thinker and the thought as two separate processes, the experiencer and the experienced, the observer and the observed. Revolution, this psychological, creative revolution in which the `me' is not, comes only when the thinker and the thought are one, when there is no duality such as the thinker controlling thought; and I suggest it is this experience alone that releases the creative energy which in turn brings about a fundamental revolution, the breaking up of the psychological `me'.

Also from Krishnamurti, in the last chapter of Freedom from the Known: We need energy not only to bring about a total revolution in ourselves but also in order to investigate, to look, to act. And as long as there is friction of any kind in any of our relationships, whether between husband and wife, between man and man, between one community and another or one country and another or one ideology and another - if there is any inward friction or any outward conflict in any form, however subtle it may be - there is a waste of energy. As long as there is a time interval between the observer and the observed it creates friction and therefore there is a waste of energy. That energy is gathered to its highest point when the observer is the observed, in which there is no time interval at all. Then there will be energy without motive and it will find its own channel of action because then the `I' does not exist. We need a tremendous amount of energy to understand the confusion in which we live, and the feeling, `I must understand', brings about the vitality to find out. But finding out, searching, implies time, and, as we have seen, gradually to uncondition the mind is not the way. Time is not the way. Whether we are old or young it is now that the whole process of life can be brought into a different dimension. Seeking the opposite of what we are is not the way either, nor is the artificial discipline imposed by a system, a teacher, a philosopher or priest - all that is so very childish. When we realize this, we ask ourselves is it possible to break through this heavy conditioning of centuries immediately and not enter into another conditioning - to be free, so that the mind can be altogether new, sensitive, alive, aware, intense, capable? That is our problem. There is no other problem because when the mind is made new it can tackle any problem. That is the only question we have to ask ourselves. One asks oneself then whether it is possible to come upon this thing without inviting, without waiting, without seeking or exploring - just for it to happen like a cool breeze that comes in when you leave the window open? You cannot invite the wind but you must leave the window open, which doesn't mean that you are in a state of waiting; that is another form of deception. It doesn't mean you must open yourself to receive; that is another kind of thought. Haven't you ever asked yourself why it is that human beings lack this thing? They beget children, they have sex, tenderness, a quality of sharing something together in companionship, in friendship, in fellowship, but this thing - why is it they haven't got it? Haven't you ever wondered lazily on occasion when you are walking by yourself in a filthy street or sitting in a bus or are on holiday by the seaside or walking in a wood with a lot of birds, trees, streams and wild animals - hasn't it ever come upon you to ask why it is that man, who has lived for millions and millions of years, has not got this thing, this extraordinary unfading flower? Why is it that you, as a human being, who are so capable, so clever, so cunning, so competitive, who have such marvellous technology, who go to the skies and under the earth and beneath the sea, and invent extraordinary electronic brains - why is it that you haven't got this one thing which matters? I don't know whether you have ever seriously faced this issue of why your heart is empty.

What would your answer be if you put the question to yourself - your direct answer without any equivocation or cunningness? Your answer would be in accordance with your intensity in asking the question and the urgency of it. But you are neither intense nor urgent, and that is because you haven't got energy, energy being passion - and you cannot find any truth without passion - passion with a fury behind it, passion in which there is no hidden want. Passion is a rather frightening thing because if you have passion you don't know where it will take you. So is fear perhaps the reason why you have not got the energy of that passion to find out for yourself why this quality of love is missing in you, why there is not this flame in your heart? If you have examined your own mind and heart very closely, you will know why you haven't got it. If you are passionate in your discovery to find why you haven't got it, you will know it is there. Through complete negation alone, which is the highest form of passion, that thing which is love, comes into being. Like humility you cannot cultivate love. Humility comes into being when there is a total ending of conceit [and] you will never know what it is to be humble. A man who knows what it is to have humility is a vain man. In the same way when you give your mind and your heart, your nerves, your eyes, your whole being to find out the way of life, to see what actually is and go beyond it, and deny completely, totally, the life you live now in that very denial of the ugly, the brutal, the other comes into being. And you will never know it either. A man who knows that he is silent, who knows that he loves, does not know what love is or what silence is.

Saying I love you appears to be entirely inaccurate and inappropriate. Rather, there is love. And there is an infinite difference between the latter and the former.

There also emerges then a feeling of extreme power not the pathological destructive ambition, the drive towards annihilation, but rather, what could be called a creative power. Whatever this is this creative power, this extreme energy, this vitality ones entire body is animated with it.

An insidious parasite has died, and life has begun.

The desire, then, is to share this gift with others. And what is this gift? It is death. Not violence, not assault, nothing like that. We are not killing ourselves physically (we can do that, though it seems extraordinarily wasteful). Rather, we are conveying to others the possibility of total abandonment of every single aspect of the present situation and then, what we think we are dissolves. Is it possible to die? You die, I die, and life begins.