<B>Title</B>: Building a Legacy

<B>Record Set By This Promo</B>: The Longest (and best) Promo I've Ever Been Involved With...By
Quite A Lot
<B>Writing Order</B>: Part 1: Luca; Part 2: Miko; Part 3: mostly Luca, with some help from Miko (you
can probably tell who did what, but I told you anyway)
<B>Promo Takes Place</B>: Over the course of twenty years
<B>People with ADD will</B>: Love this promo
<B>People without ADD will</B>: Also love this promo
<B>I Will</B>: Post this promo
<B>You all will</B>: Hold your posts for the next…half hour or so.

<I>(The camera moves to a dressing room, labeled "Tom's Orphanage: You Make 'Em, We Take 'Em". The
camera enters the door and the room reveals itself to be the dressing room of Tommy Page, whom is sitting
on his couch, watching TV. He is watching an old episode of "Late Night with Conan O'Brien". O'Brien is
goofing around, about to introduce the next guest, and he pulls on the Walker, Texas Ranger lever, and goes
to a clip. Tommy chuckles as he sees the clip. Suddenly, there is a knock on his door, and he looks over to
it. He speaks to the cameraman.)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: Did you hear that?

<I>(The camera shifts up and down, implying the cameraman is nodding.)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: Was it on the show, or was the real world, or was it MTV's The Real World?

<B>Kammy the Camera Koopa</B>: It was the real real world.

<B>Tommy</B>: You mind getting that for me?

<I>(The camera shifts from right to left, implying a no.)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: Fine, I'll get it. What are you camera people even needed for, anyway?

<I>(The camera makes an odd motion; perhaps it's Kammy shrugging. Tommy gets up and walks over to
the door, and slowly opens it. On the other side is the second pride of Ohio behind only Drew Carey, The
Mikotic One, Miko. He smiles, and he enters the room.)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: Miko, my friend, my pal, and my third thing. How are you this evening?

<B>Miko</B>: I'm ready for a voyage. It will be a quest of epic proportions. A journey to a land so fierce,
it has led families to split, species to diverge, and the break up of The Beatles.

<B>Tommy</B>: England?

<B>Miko</B>: No...the Grand Canyon.

<B>Tommy</B>: What?

<B>Miko</B>: The greatest swerve in the history of geography. You know, what better than canyon?

<B>Tommy</B>: I understand it's an interesting part of the world, and it probably is a beautiful sight, and
one time Robbie Knievel jumped this part of it, but why do you think we should go there? To just, hang out
or something?

<B>Miko</B>: I don't know, it just sounds fun. I mean, I always wanted to go to the Grand Canyon, but I
thought it would always just be too pointless.
<B>Tommy</B>: What about this time will make it anything less than pointless?

<B>Miko</B>: This time, it will be the epic beginning to an unbeatable union. Miko and Tommy Page, the
next great gladiators of tag team fighting, the two men who will lead the tag titles to unforeseen integrity,
two old friends teaming for the first time to make history! Plus, I think it'd be creepy if I went alone.

<B>Tommy</B>: Why would it be creepy if you went alone?

<B>Miko</B>: Come on...it doesn't matter where you are, a guy standing alone looking through binoculars
at things that are smaller than him is creepy, regardless of where you are.

<B>Tommy</B>: I'm not seeing it. Besides, I think that would distract us from our goal of getting the tag
titles.

<B>Miko</B>: Since when have you cared about your matches?

<B>Tommy</B>: In all fairness, this is the first time. But I'm trying to put a lot of thought into this one.
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<B>Miko</B>: How much thought?

<B>Tommy</B>: "A lot" isn't a fair enough measurement of thought?

<B>Miko</B>: Well, I'd like a nice statistic, perhaps a percentage if you could.

<B>Tommy</B>: I'd say about...ninety-five percent of my mind right now it focused on the match.

<B>Miko</B>: Ninety-five? Well that's an odd number. How'd you come up with that?

<B>Tommy</B>: I'm reasoning that only only two areas control the vast majority of my time. The first
area is this match, and all things involving it. That's the main part of it all. The second part, well...

<I>(Tommy pauses.)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: It can't be bad Tommy, just tell me.

<B>Tommy</B>: Well, the other thing I talk about, the area of thought I spend five percent of my being on
is...Taco Bell's Grilled Steak Taco.

<B>Miko</B>: Grilled Steak Tacos?

<B>Tommy</B>: Have you ever had them? They're amazing. They're beyond amazing. They're better than
something that's really amazing is. They're so amazing, amazing people eat them and think they're amazing.
If I could only eat one food for the rest of my life...well I would choose something else. Frankly, these are
terrible for your health. If they were all I could eat, I'd die relatively quickly, or get fat, or be forced into a
boring documentary starring Morgan Spurlock and his girlfriend, blonde Twiggy...but my God, they're
amazing.

<B>Miko</B>: You're just trying to get off the topic of the Canyon, aren't you?

<B>Tommy</B>: That's part of it. But they're really amazing. I'd gladly go to the Grand Canyon if there
was a Taco Bell nearby.

<B>Miko</B>: That's actually a good idea.

<B>Tommy</B>: Yeah. The Taco Bell by the Canyon. "When you're done seeing the views and it's hotter
than hell, come on down to the new Taco Bell."

<B>Miko</B>: You stretched a bit for that one.

<B>Tommy</B>: Yeah, I did. But that's not the point.

<B>Miko</B>: Can we go to the canyon now, please?

<B>Tommy</B>: I don't know about that, Miko.

<B>Miko</B>: Come on, Tommy. I'm helping you with this whole tag title thing, you should help me with
my Grand dream.

<B>Tommy</B>: When did this become your dream?

<B>Miko</B>: When I was seven.

<B>Tommy</B>: Well, give us the story.

<B>Miko</B>: I was seven years old. I was watching a documentary. It was about Brett Butler the Third.
Brett was an amazingly talented transvestite rock climber who spent months climbing each and every inch
of the Grand Canyon, just for fun. Brett was beyond cool. I made it my goal from that day forward, to be a
transvestite. Then I learned what a transvestite was. So, I decided I'd rather be a rock climber. Then I
learned what a rock climber was. So I decided I'd rather just see the Grand Canyon. And maybe, I'd meet
Brett. Then I remembered Brett was a transvestite rock climber. So I dropped the whole thing. But I'd still
like to see the Grand Canyon.

<B>Tommy</B>: That story was so incredibly close to touching I'm absolutely amazed what it turned in
to. I mean, seriously, who would have thought your dream involved transvestites? And who would've
thought you could watch an entire documentary on rock climbing without knowing what rock climbing
was?

<B>Miko</B>: Well, I didn't so much as watch it as I did hear this one guy talk about it. And it wasn't so
much a documentary as it was an acid flashback. And it wasn't so much Brett Butler the Third as it was
Grizzly Adams' second cousin, Ben "BJ" Gentleson.
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<B>Tommy</B>: Grizzly Adams' second cousin's name referred to both Gentle Ben and BJ and the Bear?

<B>Miko</B>: Yeah, I guess.

<B>Tommy</B>: Wow. I mean, what are the odds?

<B>Miko</B>: It was an acid flashback. Interesting note, the guy talking about the story looked like Matt
Dillon.

<B>Tommy</B>: Gunsmoke Matt Dillon or There's Something About Mary Matt Dillon?

<B>Miko</B>: Gunsmoke Matt Dillon.

<B>Tommy</B>: Oh. Well that's an interesting note.

<B>Miko</B>: Does that mean you'll come with me?

<B>Tommy</B>: Do you have more stories to persuade me with?

<B>Miko</B>: Yes.

<B>Tommy</B>: That's enough for me. Let's go.

<I>(Tommy and Miko walk out of the room, and Kammy the Camera Koopa just stands there, watching
them leave.)</I>
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<I>(Ah, the Grand Canyon. Due to its big walls, rocks, and heavy America-Moleworld exchange rate, this
has been an isolated vacation spot for over two thousand years with tourists across the globe. Cue one of
those orchestral brass “doo-doo-doo-doo-doot”s, right along an action-packed helicopter view of the
canyon, similar to that one scene in George of the Jungle. Well, actually, a lot of scenes were like that in
George of the Jungle. Why is it that Brendan Fraser is always in the heavy-hitting action flicks? So yeah,
this is just like that scene… err, those scenes…. Except that this is the Grand Canyon, and that was a
jungle. They’re like total opposites. Well, maybe not. They’re both hot. And they both have lots of trees.
Lots and lots of trees. Yeah… Trees. Eventually, the camera catches up to where Tommy and Miko are
walking, and an invisible cameraman turns on his invisible camera right next to where they are… which is
where the other camera just caught up to, like I just said; but now I’m getting confused, and I need a
parent.)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: Are you sure? I thought he was only on Family Matters.

<B>Miko</B>: No, Jaleel White was quite the crossover star.

<B>Tommy</B>: He was a transvestite?

<B>Miko</B>: No no, you’re thinking of Brett Butler again.

<B>Tommy</B>: The third.

<B>Miko</B>: The third. Right.

<B>Tommy</B>: I hear he was cool.

<B>Miko</B>: Can we stop talking about this? It makes me feel like having another seizure.

<B>Tommy</B>: Oh, man! That was hilarious when you did that four times on the plane! The stewardess
almost passed out trying to give you CPR.

<B>Miko</B>: CPR? Why the hell was she giving me CPR if I was experiencing a seizure of all things? I
wasn’t even able to feel anything.

<B>Tommy</B>: She didn’t look like she was very good, anyway.

<B>Miko</B>: No?

<B>Tommy</B>: It was the brunette.

<B>Miko</B>: The brunette, eh? Brunette… Brunette… She seemed decent enough to me.

<B>Tommy</B>: Not that brunette. I’m talking about Cauliflower Woman.

<B>Miko</B>: ...Cauliflow…? …Oh! OH!! Thank the writers I was unconscious during all of that.
<B>Tommy</B>: Thank the writers I wasn’t!

<B>Miko</B>: You’re missing the point and clearly stalling for time.

<B>Tommy</B>: Filler text is best!

<B>Miko</B>: I’m telling you, Jaleel White wasn’t only on Family Matters.

<B>Tommy</B>: What else was he on?

<B>Miko</B>: You remember that one show on NBC…? I think it was a Saturday morning show.

<B>Tommy</B>: …Hang Time, right?

<B>Miko</B>: No, not Hang Time. The other one.

<B>Tommy</B>: Saved By The Bell: The New Class?

<B>Miko</B>: Not that one either.

<B>Tommy</B>: Well, what is it?? Just tell me!

<B>Miko</B>: I… can’t remember the name… It’s on the tip of my tongue.. Wait, wait….

<B>Tommy</B>: Who was in it?

<B>Miko</B>: Well, let’s see… It had Jaleel White…

<B>Tommy</B>: ….FAMILY MATTERS!

<B>Miko</B>: No, not Family Matters! …What was it…?

<B>Tommy</B>: Full House.

<B>Miko</B>: ….Grown Ups!!! That’s it!!!

<B>Tommy</B>: Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Now WHY didn’t you say so in the first place?

<B>Miko</B>: It seemed like such common knowledge that it required no further referencing.

<B>Tommy</B>: So Jaleel played Urkel and J. Calvin Frazier.. and that’s it, right?

<B>Miko</B>: I don’t think so.. I’m pretty sure he was also in something else.

<B>Tommy</B>: ………Sonic the Hedgehog?

<B>Miko</B>: Don’t be silly, Jaleel wouldn’t…. Wait… did he?

<B>Tommy</B>: Um. I’m not sure. It sounds right, but I’m not sure.

<B>Miko</B>: Let’s ask.

<I>(Miko whistles, like the way people in NYC whistle for cabs or cheer at basketball games. You know,
the same kind of whistling that at least half of America is infamous for not being able to do. In a matter of
moments, a strange, high-pitched whirring sound is heard… And a big blue blur appears on the screen and
comes to an abrupt stop.)</I>
<B>Sonic the Hedgehog</B>: You called?

<B>Tommy</B>: Hmm… I can’t tell.

<B>Miko</B>: Neither can I. Hey, Sonic, start reciting the Constitution.

<B>Sonic</B>: Again? Man, this is the eighteenth time this week. Very well, here goes: We the people of
the United States of Mobius proudly bring to you a Constitution that is sure to boost ratings and sell more
lunchboxes with our characters printed on the side paper that peels off far too easily when it gets wet. In
this Constitution, I plan to discuss the sociological implications of family pressures so great as to drive an
otherwise moral fat man with skinny legs and a Master’s in BioWeaponry and Turning Animals Into Robots
into committing acts of thievery which he consciously knew were against the law. I also hope to explore the
personality of Mr. Macgregor, in his conflicting roles as farmer and humanitarian.

<B>Tommy</B>: Hmm… I can’t tell.

<B>Miko</B>: Neither can I. Hey, Sonic, reach your arm out and turn around.

<I>(Sonic reaches his arm out, turns, and knocks over a lamp, thereby breaking it on the spot. Don’t ask
where the lamp came from. It was there the whole time. Really. Hey, stop rewinding the clip. Stop it. It was
always--- Okay, fine. A props guy came on and put it there while you weren’t paying attention. Sue me. It’s
not like my budget isn’t insignificant enough as it is. Oh wait, wait.. It is!)</I>

<B>Sonic</B>: Did I do that???

<B>Tommy</B>: Aha! That’s definitely Jaleel White.

<B>Miko</B>: Yup. Good ol’ Jaleel. He might try to break free, but he’s typecast these days.

<I>(Sonic slaps his hands across his mouth, with fear and tears trickling through his eyes.)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: Don’t worry, your secret is safe with us, Sonic. And you can trust us. Just ask Clinton,
we helped him out too.

<B>Sonic</B>: Bill Clinton?

<B>Miko</B>: George Clinton.

<B>Sonic</B>: Oh, that makes sense. Well, see you fellers around!

<I>(Sonic crouches down and does that spin dash thing where he turns into a ball and rockets away.
However, it seems like the Doppler effect isn’t working, because the sound of high-speed running doesn’t
stop… Suddenly, a Roadrunner with a blurry circle for feet speeds past our two protagonists!)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: We should’ve expected this. After all, it is the Grand Canyon.

<B>Miko</B>: That’s true, but where’s…?

<I>(Miko is cut off by the on-screen re-debut of Wile E. Coyote, who walks on and just kind of stands
there. Cue an awkward silence.)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: ……

<B>Miko</B>: ……..
<B>Tommy</B>: …Well, aren’t you supposed to chase after him?

<B>Wile E.</B>: ..Huh? Oh, oh, right. Yeah, I’ve got it covered.

<I>(Casually, the coyote pulls out a shotgun from underneath his fur, aims, and fires. Tommy and Miko
look stunned, with their jaws wide open.)</I>

<B>Wile E.</B>: Damn, I finally got that bastard.

<I>(The coyote walks off-camera. Cue another awkward silence.)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: ………

<B>Miko</B>: ……..

<I>(Okay, now that THAT sound cue’s over with, here’s a different one: Cue that high-pitched running
sound again. I wonder who’s going to appear this time? Miko looks in one direction, and Tommy looks in
another direction. No one shows up. They keep hearing the sound, but still the mysterious runner doesn’t
reveal himself. After about five minutes of this, Bigg Jonn finally shows up on camera, jogging along. He
notices Tommy and Miko, smiles widely, and slows to a jog-in-place. Reaching down, he turns off the
sound system wired around his sweatsuit, and the apparently fake high-pitched running noise stops.)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: What’s with the sound effects, Jonn?

<B>Jonn</B>: Huh? Oh, that! It makes me feel like I’m running faster...Much like my good friend, the
Roadrunner! Say, you haven’t seen him around here, have you?

<B>Tommy</B>: Uh… Jonn, we have some bad news about that.

<B>Jonn</B>: ..What?

<I>(Before either of them can say another word, Wile E. Coyote walks on-camera again, with what looks
like a large bird leg hanging out of his pocket.)</I>

<B>Wile E.</B>: Hey, guys. Thanks for helping me earlier.

<I>(And thus, he walks off-camera, never to be in this promo again.)</I>

<B>Jonn</B>: Say, it’s funny that you two are here, in the middle of nowhere, and I am too. It’s almost
like someone set this up so that we’d have an interaction and then get ambushed. What do you call those
things?

<B>Tommy</B>: …A trap?

<B>Jonn</B>: Yeah, one of those. Come on, jog with me.

<I>(Miko shrugs at Tommy, and they start jogging alongside Jonn.)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: So.. what are you doing all the way out here, Jonn?
<B>Jonn</B>: Oh, I usually run around 50-100 miles a day. I do it to keep my slender figure.

<B>Tommy</B>: I believe it.

<I>(The three jog together in silence for a few moments, mainly because Jonn and Miko have nothing to
say; and Tommy is trying to hold in a massive fart. Man, toilet humor really DOES get people Main-Event
Championships, doesn’t it?)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: Oh, hey! That reminds me! I’ve been working on a rap lately.

<B>Jonn</B>: A what?

<B>Miko</B>: You know, a rap. Like those cool guys on TV and radio.

<B>Jonn</B>: You mean advertisers?

<B>Miko</B>: No no, the guys in between those guys. Here, just listen.
You can’t stop me
Because my name is Miko
If I was Mexican
Then I would be a chico
There was this guy
In the DL
His name was Sean Cage
And he rapped like hell
He did it all the time
And called it a promo
But the funny thing about that word
Is that it rhymes with h….

<B>Tommy</B>: …Okay, that’s enough. Hey Jonn, want to advance to the next plotpoint?

<B>Jonn</B>: Yeah, I’d advise you to do so. After all, I invented writing, so I know what I’m talking
about.

<B>Miko</B>: No kidding… Hey, Jonn! Watch out for that banana peel on the ground up ahead. You
might slip. Believe me, if anyone knows about that stuff, it’s me.

<B>Tommy</B>: Miko, you’ve had that gimmick since you first came to this message board.

<B>Miko</B>: This what?

<B>Tommy</B>: Uh… never mind. But anyways, I agree with him, Jonny. Don’t slip on that banana peel.

<B>Jonn</B>: Shut up, you two! I can take it. This banana peel’s got nothing on me!! BRING IT ON!!

<B>Miko</B>: I can’t watch..!

<B>Tommy</B>: I can’t see..!!

<I>(Jonn places his foot on the peel, and in slow motion, he slips, and the camera angle from an ant’s eye
view shows him fall upwards towards the sky, and then down into the canyon. Yeah, I know he was running
like fifteen feet away from the edge, but that’s why we did that different camera angle-type thing. I stole
this brilliant cinematic technique from great films like The Gate and Backgammon: The Misfits. Actually,
I’ve never seen either of those, but I digress. I digress into a big hole! A hole the size of Manitoba! You’re a
hole! SHUT UP!! Also, Jonn sold the banana peel well. He might be Bigg, but he’s quite graceful. He’ll be
a great wrestler someday, like someone with talent on loan from The Blue Meanie.)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: Nooo…!!!! Jonn!!!!!!

<B>Miko</B>: We have to save him!

<B>Tommy</B>: How?

<B>Miko</B>: I don’t know… But I think the Grand Canyon is like five thousand miles deep. We’ve got
time.

<B>Tommy</B>: Yeah… Sounds good to me.

<B>FADE TO COMMERCIAL

OKAY, WE’RE BACK FROM COMMERCIAL</B>

<I>(Tommy and Miko are sitting at a picnic table that they took the time to set up at the Grand Canyon.
Tommy’s taking shots of Bacardi, and Miko looks passed out, his head smashed face-down onto the table.
A pile of beer cans and used condoms lies over to the side of the table.)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: I told you I’d win.

<B>Miko (groaning)</B>: Man… What were we doing again?

<B>Tommy</B>: Playing my special game where I always win.

<B>Miko</B>: No, no… We were doing something else…

<B>Tommy</B>: ….What could it have been…? What could we have forgotten…?

<B>Miko</B>: ………

<B>Tommy</B>: ……….

<I>(Suddenly, the two sit up straight.)</I>

<B>Both</B>: JONN!!!!

<B>Tommy</B>: Think he’s still alive?

<B>Miko</B>: Oh, yeah. Like I said, we’ve got time. So alright, let’s figure this out. What state are we in?

<B>Tommy</B>: Texas, I’m sure of it.

<B>Miko</B>: We are? You are?

<B>Tommy</B>: Well, yeah. Think about it. The Grand Canyon runs from Virginia to New Hampshire.
Texas is right in the middle of there, along with the U.S.S.R.

<B>Miko</B>: Hey, that’s good. I’ve been meaning to go visit my good friend Josef lately, but haven’t
gotten around to it.

<B>Tommy</B>: Josef?
<B>Miko</B>: Superman.

<B>Tommy</B>: He lives in Metropolis, you dummy.

<B>Miko</B>: No no, not that one.

<B>Tommy</B>: So if we’re in Texas, who can we call for help?

<B>Miko</B>: …I.. I don’t know.

<B>Tommy</B>: …Hmmm…

<B>Miko</B>: ……..

<B>Tommy</B>: …………

<I>(Cue another sit-up-straight moment.)</I>

<B>Both</B>: WALKER, TEXAS RANGER!!!!

<I>(Let’s go back to that Doo-doo-doot helicopter thing. For some strange reason, however, we only hear
the noise that’s actually going into the camera.)</I>

<B>Helicopter</B>: WHIRRRRR!! From now on, to save space, my scriptname will be Chopper.

<I>(The camera turns to the left, where the pilot is… And it’s none other than Chuck Norris himself!!!
Norris grabs the CB Radio and calls down to the tag team.)</I>

<B>Norris</B>: Don’t worry, boys. I’ve got you covered.

<I>(Cue back down to the camera on the ground. Miko has the radio in hand.)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: That’s great.. But where’d this radio come from?

<B>Tommy</B>: I think it’s the props guy again.

<B>Miko</B>: Props guy, this Bud’s for you.

<I>(Miko tries to chug the radio. After a few minutes of choking, he remembers that it’s not a liquid.
Irritated, Tommy steals the radio.)</I>

<B>Tommy (into radio)</B>: Chuck! We need you to save Bigg Jonn, in hopes that he will see this ass-
kissery as reason enough to give us a shot at the tag team titles… hence giving this promo an actual
purpose!

<B>Norris</B>: I know, I know. Tag team titles, ladders, Chuck.. I call this a TLC match.

<B>Tommy</B>: That doesn’t make sense.

<B>Norris</B>: I’ll go save him now. Just sit back and watch the show.

<B>Tommy</B>: We would.. But we don’t have chairs.

<B>Norris</B>: Yes, you do. Remember the picnic table?

<B>Tommy</B>: Nope. Props guy already got rid of it.

<B>Norris</B>: Damned! He’ll pay. But first, to save your boss --- err, friend.

<I>(The newly-and-aptly-renamed chopper makes its descent down into the dark depths of the Grand
Canyon. Gosh, this is so cool! Like something straight out of Cops.</I>)

<B>Miko</B>: This IS straight out of Cops. I remember this episode.

<I>(Shut up. That didn’t happen.)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: What is it with your need to converse with the characters in every single promo or match,
narrator?

<I>(I’m lonely. I’m sorry.)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: It’s okay.

<I>(Thanks.)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: You’re welcome!

<I>(After a few hours, the chopper appears again, slowly rising up from the ashes of an old
generation.</I>)

<B>Tommy</B>: Don’t you mean, from the depths of the canyon?

<I>(This sounded better.)</I>

<B>Norris</B>: Don’t worry, we’ve got him!

<I>(As the chopper rises even higher above the canyon, a rope is revealed hanging down from its legs. At
the bottom of the rope is a large grappling hook, which is holding onto the surviving Bigg Jonn!)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: Yay. He’s alive.

<B>Jonn</B>: I’m dizzy…

<I>(Norris smiles, laughs, and waves. A happy ending…… until a fifteen-foot hawk flies out of nowhere
and starts clawing at Norris! The chopper swerves from left to right! Jonn, suspended in midair, flies from
even lefter to even righter!)</I>

<B>Hawk</B>: CA-CKAW!!

<I>(The hawk uses one of its talons to slash right across Chuck’s face. Luckily, Chuck (as we all know) is
made of pure and indestructible efficacy – meaning that he is not affected in the least. Good for him.. but
he’s still in trouble!)</I>

<B>Norris (on the radio)</B>: Someone shoot this hawk down!

<B>Tommy</B>: We don’t have any sort of weaponry. How do you expect us to do that without any sort
of weaponry?

<B>Norris</B>: Here, take this bazooka!

<I>(The Man of Pure Gold (that’s my nickname for Chuck Norris) tosses a bazooka out the window. Yeah,
good thinking, Chuck. Throw a loaded bazooka out of a helicopter, to land on the ground 1500 feet below,
just so it can be fired immediately next to the helicopter that you’re piloting. GOOD THINKING.)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: Oh, boy! A bazooka!

<I>(…….I give up. I can’t work with these people! NO MORE NARRATING FROM ME!! ONLY
DIALOGUE!!)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: You know how to use a bazooka?

<B>Miko</B>: Well, if it works anything like my super soaker, then yes.

<B>Tommy</B>: Ah, good. Just checking.

<B>Miko (aiming)</B>: Alright, just a little closer to the right…. Come on, hawk… I’ve got you in my
sights… Just a little closer…. Little closer… Closer…. Little closer… A little closer… Just a little closer…
Just come a little closer… Just come a little closer, Hawk.. Dammit, just come a little closer, Hawk… Just
come a little closer, Hawk… Just come a little closer… Just a little closer… A little closer… Little---

<B>Tommy</B>: JUST SHOOT THE DAMN THING ALREADY!!!

<B>Miko</B>: Okay! Ready, aim, fi---

<I>(Miko’s concentration drops when he suddenly gets whapped in the back of the head with something.
Oh, right, right.. I know what you’re thinking. “He said he’d leave the Narrating thing and never come
back.” Well, I lied. And I know what you’re also thinking. “You stole that from CHAMPION OF
LEGEND!” Well, you’re right. He’s a good man, dammit! A good man!)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: Ow!

<I>(Oh, yeah. So, Miko drops the bazooka on his foot and starts jumping around in pain.)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: Ow!

<I>(Hop.)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: Ow!

<I>(Hop!)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: Ow!

<I>(Hop hop!)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: Ow!

<I>(Hip hop! A hippy to the hippity-hip hip-a-hoppin’, you don’t stop a droppin’ to the bang-bang-a boogy,
said up jump the boogy to the rhythm of the boogidy-bill!)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: What the hell hit you in the back of the head, Miko?

<B>Miko</B>: I don’t know. Figure it out, I’m busy de-swelling my middle toe right now!

<B>Norris</B>: Hey, uh.. guys? A little help here?

<I>(Tommy looks down on the ground and finds the foreign object which was used to knock Miko in the
back of the head: A briefcase!)</I>

<B>Edge</B>: Bank on it!

<B>Lita</B>: Bank on me!

<B>Matt Hardy</B>: I hate everything.

<I>(Wondering where the briefcase came from, Tommy picks it up and unlatches the lock. Upon opening
it, a 4” LCD screen inside rotates around and turns on.)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: Hey, Miko… You better come look at this!

<B>Miko</B>: Huh?

<I>(Stumbling and tripping, Miko makes his way over just in time to see the screen start showing its…
err… well, showing its show.)</I>

<B>Voice on-screen</B>: Hello, boys.

<B>Both</B>: !!!!!

<I>!!!???</I>

<B>Norris</B>: !#(@)#@*!!!!!! hawk!

<B>Hawk</B>: CA-CKAW!!!

<I>(The figure that owns the voice slowly fades onto the screen.)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: Wait a minute…

<B>Tommy</B>: That’s…

<I>(Evil grin. Long, green hair. Eyepatch. Disfigured right nipple.)</I>

<B>Both</B>: ….MASA!!!!!!!

<I>(Holy anime, Pandaman!!!)</I>

<B>Masa</B>: That’s right, it is I… MASA!!!!!!!!

<I>(Holy anime, Pandaman!!!)</I>

<B>Masa</B>: Indeed, it was I that arranged this whole thing. I drove by on a bus while escorting a 3rd-
grade class on a field trip, and dropped that banana peel on the ground. It was I that raised that hawk from
birth and taught him the evils of conservative action-dramas on USA Network. It was I that relocated Texas
into the middle of Virginia and Massachusetts!

<B>Tommy</B>: New Hampshire.

<B>Masa</B>: New Hampshire! This was all part of my plan to destroy that one man… BIGG JONN!!!
<B>Jonn</B>: I think I’m going to be sick. However, since I’m still hanging 1500 feet in the air by a
grappling hook, I have no idea that Masa’s down there talking to them.

<B>Masa</B>: This match at Anarchy will be mine!

<B>Miko</B>: Anarchy? What’s that?

<B>Masa</B>: It’s the upcoming FPV.

<B>Miko</B>: FPV? What’s that?

<B>Masa</B>: ...Free-Per-View?

<B>Miko</B>: Free-Per-View? What the ****?!?

<B>Masa</B>: <I>(Sigh)</I> Since you don't have to pay to read a textual match, this is a Free-Per-View
instead of a Pay-Per-View. Kudos to me for thinking this knowledge up. Now, you can donate your $35
American for every FPV if you'd like. Only small, unmarked bills, please.

<B>Miko</B>: What the bloody hell are you doing in this system?!

<B>Masa</B>: We roleplay as if we were big, tough wrestlers. There are feuds and matches and angles
and storylines and all that nice, neat stuffs. It's quite fun, y'oughtta try it.

<B>Miko</B>: What is the greatest song in existence?

<B>Masa</B>: Muse – “Hysteria.”

<B>Jonn</B>: Now, wait a minute…

<B>Masa</B>: MASA SWERVE!!! IN YO’ FACES!!

<B>Tommy</B>: I still don’t understand any of this, Masa. Why drag all of us out here just to beat Jonn?
Why not just beat him in the ring?

<B>Masa</B>: Because… Err… He’s a… I mean… Uh… I AM THE GAME!!!

<I>(The briefcase spits out water at Tommy. Say, that was a neat special effect. Do me next!)</I>

<B>Lita</B>: No, do ME next, briefcase!

<B>Matt</B>: AUGH!!!

<B>Masa</B>: Anywho, there’s my evil plan. Now, to make sure you two don’t interfere, I’m going to
make you fight ninjas.

<B>Miko</B>: Ninjas? What ninjas?

<I>(The helicopter cam quickly zooms out to show Miko and Tommy surrounded by a ring of 153 ninjas,
all with their weaponry in hand.)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: …Oh.

<B>Masa</B>: Bwahaha. Bwahaha! BWAHAHAHA!!!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHBWAHBWAHMAHAHAMGBWAHAHA!!!!!
<B>Tommy</B>: Shut up.

<I>(Tommy punches the glass of the screen…which breaks the screen, but gives him a nasty booboo on his
thumb.)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: Owie!

<B>Miko</B>: Oh, no.. Quick, run it under cold water and put a band-aid on it.

<B>Tommy</B>: Well, I’ve got the water taken care of…

<I>(Tommy places his thumb in the hidden water supply of the briefcase.)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: …but I don’t have any band-aids.

<B>Miko</B>: Wha? I gave you the emergency medical kit!

<B>Tommy</B>: I sold it for a Tootsie Pop.

<B>Miko</B>: ……..

<B>Tommy</B>: ………..

<B>Miko</B>: …I only wish I had your business savvy.

<B>Tommy</B>: As do I.

<B>Miko</B>: Of course you do. Unfortunately, I don’t have a band-aid either. [Yelling out loud] DOES
ANYONE HAVE ANY BAND-AIDS???

<B>Voice</B>: I do!

<I>(Through the crowd of ninjas, runs Richard Dean Anderson with a big box of miscellaneous crap!)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: Wow! Richard Dean Anderson!

<B>Miko</B>: Wow! You’re BMJ!

<B>BMJ</B>: FOR THE LAST TIME, THAT’S NOT ME!!!!

<I>(BMJ, who secretly was on-camera during the entire promo, storms off.)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: That’s right. Richard Dean Anderson is better known as Macguyver.

<B>Macguyver</B>: Thank you, Tommy. Now, boys, I’m going to show you my famous turn-a-warhead-
into-a-band-aid trick. Tommy, may I see your Tootsie Pop?

<B>Tommy</B>: Sure, Mr. Macguyver, sir!

<I>(Tommy hands Macguyver the Tootsie Pop from his back pocket, and Mc-G gets to work on it right
away. Hmm.. Mc-G. That’s a pretty clever nickname, if I do say so myself!)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: No, it’s not. Shut up.

<I>(Meanwhile, up in the chopper, Norris has finally had enough.)</I>

<B>Norris</B>: That’s it! If they can’t help me, I’ll just do it myself, Like I always do!

<B>Hawk</B>: CA-CKAW!

<I>(The hawk goes for another talon scratch, but Chuck backhand punches the hawk right in the face. It
dies. Sheesh, that was easy. Why’d you even bother with the bazooka, Chuck? Now you just added a
destructive prop for no reason whatsoever. I think I’m going to have to end this with an exploding tunnel
scene now.)</I>

<B>Macguyver</B>: There we go! All better now, lil’ Tommy!

<I>(Macguyver has just finished putting his makeshift warhead-Tootsie Pop band-aid on Tommy’s
thumb.)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: Golly! Thanks, Mr. M!

<B>Macguyver</B>: Please, call me Rick.

<B>Tommy</B>: Golly! Thanks, Rick!

<B>Macguvyer</B>: Actually, just call me Macguyver.

<B>Tommy</B>: Golly! Thanks, Macguyver!

<B>Macguyver</B>: Don’t mention it. Now, to deal with these ninjas! Looks like it’s 3 against 153!

<B>Norris</B>: MAKE THAT 4 AGAINST 153!

<I>(The chopper lands in the middle of the circle, and Chuck hops right out!)</I>

<B>Norris</B>: Let’s do this, Texas style!

<B>Jonn</B>: No, let’s do this WWEGSB style!

<I>(Jonn crawls out from underneath the chopper and gets in fighting stance.)</I>

<B>Psxdude2001</B>: No, let’s do this the new style!

<B>Miko</B>: Go away, psxdude2001. Nobody likes your style.

<I>(Psxdude2001 walks away, with a frown drooping on his face.)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: You too, up there. Go away, Nebulon. Nobody likes your style.

<I>(Nebulon, watching from outer space, frowns and floats away.)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: Alright! Let’s take these guys out! 5 actual personalities against 153 anonymous ninjas?
It’s in the bag.

<B>Chuck</B>: DAMNED STRAIGHT!

<I>(And so, the fighting begins. Miko starts fighting toe-to-toe with a ninja. Tommy starts fighting hand-
to-hand with another ninja. Bigg Jonn suplexes a ninja. Macguyver takes two ninjas and starts turning them
into a lockpick. Chuck Norris kills the other 147 ninjas with a single backhand punch. The five surviving
ninjas escape from their attackers and regroup into one unit.)</I>

<B>Ninjas</B>: Hay! Aye! Hi! Yi! Foo!

<I>(The five ninjas get into a line, like one of those battle line things. Or like a football scrimmage line. Or
if they were sitting at a bar together. Wait, no. Does that last analogy work? …Okay, yeah. Yeah, I checked
with the judges and it works. Thanks, analogy judges.)</I>

<B>Analogy Judges</B>: YOU’RE THE BEST!

<I>(I know. Our five heroes (Tommy, Miko, Norris, Macguyver, and Jonn) get into a parallel line, all in
fighting stance. Cue a neat camera angle that shows the two teams ready to kill each other.)</I>

<B>Mortal Kombat announcer</B>: FIGHT!

<I>(Cue the heavy-bass techno. This time, every fighter goes one-on-one with a fighter from the opposite
side. Yes, this includes Chuck Norris. For some reason, the final ninjas are always the hardest to beat. I’ll
add an extra detail and say that these five were colored red, and the other ones were black. Yeah, that
works. Or at least it did in Streets of Rage. I mean, I’d die eight or nine times fighting some big Italian boss
guy with a whip and a wifebeater, and then after beating him at the end of the level, he’d be in the very next
level as a regular opponent, just with a different-colored wifebeater! Colors make people more powerful?
I’d say so.)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: Yikes!

<I>(Heavy sidekick to the head of the ninja.)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: Wowzers!

<I>(Tommy gets a low punch to the gut.)</I>

<B>Norris</B>: Hey, folks. Can I use your phone?

<I>(Norris… Yeah, Norris backhands the ninja in 18 different places at once, and all the while he does his
taxes online.)</I>

<B>Macguyver</B>: Flop-diddly!

<I>(Macguyver dies. I just decided. He, uh, died. A ninja killed him.)</I>

<B>Jonn</B>: SUPER SCRIPTING SKILLS…AWAY!!!

<I>(Jonn writes an obituary about his opponent, and the ninja dies.)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: Wait, I’ve got it! See the big circle in their chest? Kick them there, and they’ll explode
into five different places.

<I>(Tommy does it. The ninja explodes. Norris does it. The ninja dies and his soul is turned into Arabian
fertilizer.)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: I can’t touch my opponent there! He has strange nipple piercings! I’m afraid!
<I>(The last ninja pushes Miko away and runs towards the bazooka, still lying on the ground. I told you
this would catch up with you, Chuck! I TOLD YOU!!! BUT YOU DIDN’T LISTEN!!! IGNORANT
BUFFOON!!!)</I>

<B>Norris</B>: I’ll kill you.

<I>(…Yes, sir.

The ninja picks up the bazooka and uses his SUPER NINJA SKILLS to jump 1500 feet in the air!)</I>

<B>Chopper</B>: Say, that’s where I just was.

<B>Ninja</B>: Lock and load!!!

<I>(BOOOOOOOMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!! BAZOOKA SHOT TO

THE CANYON!!!!)</I>

<B>Norris</B>: We’ve got to get out of here!!!!!!!!

<I>(Everyone runs. Really, really fast. Away from the canyon. It’s in slow motion. The bazooka shot makes
contact with the ground… SUSPENSE PAUSE!!!)</I>

<B>COMMERCIAL BREAK

HAHA, JUST KIDDING. WE’RE NOT GOING TO COMMERCIALS</B>

<I>(*BOOOM!!!!!!!!! BIG EXPLOSION!~~@!!!11ELEVEN!!*)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<I>(Cue the camera shot facing the front of everyone running. A huge ball of explosion rushes after them,
and they all barely dive to safety at the last second.

Everything explodes. Fade to white.

I guess now would be a good time for a commercial, huh?

The camera fades back to our heroes. They’re all lying on the ground, and yes, everyone’s still alive.
Except for the ninjas, Macguyver, the hawk, and Roadrunner. I didn’t leave anyone out, did I?)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: Ungh…

<I>(Miko kicks up to his feet and pats the dust off his knees. Being the chivalrous student of Charlemagne
that he is, he goes around and makes sure everyone’s okay. They all eventually are standing around,
laughing.)</I>

<B>Norris</B>: Haha! And then I say… “Just doing my job, ma’am!”

<I>(Everyone laughs, until….)</I>

<B>SCREEEEECHOIGGGGWOOOOOOOORWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</B>

<I>(They all stop in their tracks. Slowly turning around, everyone stares at the canyon, where the horribly
loud screeching roar noise came from. Yes, I said “horribly loud screeching roar noise.” Shut up.)</I>
<B>Tommy</B>: What in the hell was that…?

<B>Miko</B>: It was probably Jonn’s---

<B>Jonn</B>: I’ll fire you.

<B>Miko</B>: Sorry, sir.

<I>(The ground starts rumbling. Rocks crumble and fall down the gorge, and the whole thing seems like an
earthquake. The cameraman falls down. Great hell, this is like something straight out of Cops.)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: Used that line already.

<I>(Straight out of Real TV.)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: Thank you.

<I>(Slowly, something starts to emerge from the depths of the Grand Canyon. Something big. Something
huge. Something insanely gigantic.)</I>

<B>Norris</B>: Is that…?

<I>(Looks dark and scaly. It starts picking up speed in its ascent to the surface.)</I>

<B>Jonn</B>: Holy….

<I>(A mouth. Teeth. And a giant yellow eye, with a slot-like pupil.)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: That’s…!!!!

<I>(Finally, the rest of this monster climbs up and rests its feet on the solid surface ground.)</I>

<B>All</B>: GODZILLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<B>Godzilla</B>:
ROARRRRRRRRRRRRGROWWWWWWWLLKSSSSSSCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEFCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!

<B>Tommy</B>: If we don’t do something, the world will die!

<B>Jonn</B>: There’s only one thing to do.

<B>Miko</B>: And we all know what it is…..

<B>Norris</B>: IT’S MORPHIN’ TIME!!!!!!!!

<I>(Everyone pulls out their power coins and yells their mantra.)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: HORNY DINOSAUR!

<B>Jonn</B>: MASTOJONN!

<B>Sonic</B>: SABERTOOTH HEDGEHOG!

<B>Wile E.</B>: DEAD BIRD!

<B>Norris</B>: AND I’LL FORM THE HEAD!

<I>(Yeah, I guess Wile E. found a way to get back into the promo. How’d he get past security?)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: Hey, where’s my robot?

<B>Miko</B>: Oh, yeah. You have to use your dagger as a flute to summon your own special Dragonzord.

<B>Tommy</B>: I don’t know how to play flute.

<B>Wile E.</B>: Well, looks like you’re ****ed, then.

<B>Tommy</B>: Sorry, guys. I’ll just sit back and watch. Go ahead and finish your transformation
sequence.

<I>(The robots merge together into one gigantic robot, which pulls out a hockey stick as a weapon.)</I>

<B>All except Tommy</B>: MIGHTY MORPHIN’ TEXAS RANGERS!!!!!!

<B>Optimus Prime</B>: Hey guys, what the hell is this? You so just totally stole my gimmick.

<B>Tommy</B>: Wait, wait, wait...

<B>Miko</B>: What?

<B>Tommy</B>: That part didn't happen!

<I>(We now return to reality, where Tommy and Miko are currently having a nice chat with backstage
interviewer and comedic scapegoat extraordinaire, Scott Hudson. Hudson is at this point sitting down on a
chair, completely shocked at the story Miko has told him. Tommy is looking at Miko, confused
himself.)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: What do you mean that part didn't happen?'

<B>Tommy</B>: Godzilla...Optimus Prime...Mighty Morphin' Texas Rangers...none of that happened!

<B>Miko</B>: I distinctly remember calling Godzilla.

<B>Tommy</B>: I distinctly remember you not calling Godzilla.

<B>Miko</B>: How can you remember something not happening? Maybe you just don't remember!

<B>Tommy</B>: I think I'd remember a giant lizard coming out of nowhere and attacking everything, let
alone morphing into a mighty Texas Ranger.

<B>Miko</B>: Well, you didn't remember the time I was in Norway getting ice cream and I asked for
chocolate, and he gave me strawberry, and I punched him, and got sent to a Norwegian prison for a week,
did you?

<B>Tommy</B>: It's hard for me to remember a time when I wasn't there.

<I>(Miko stands in silence for a short while.)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: No it isn't.
<B>Tommy</B>: That's not even a comeback.

<B>Miko</B>: Face it Tommy, you don't have a good enough memory to remember monumental events in
your life.

<B>Tommy</B>: Maybe I don't remember Godzilla, but that was a crazy day! A lot happened, it's hard to
remember it all!

<B>Miko</B>: At least you're accepting this as a fact.

<I>(Tommy turns to Scott Hudson, and speaks, loud enough for the camera to hear, but quiet enough that
Miko doesn't.)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: I'm just saying this so he stops talking, Godzilla never showed up.

<I>(Scott nods, wide-eyed, and Tommy moves back over to Miko.)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: What did you say to him?

<B>Tommy</B>: Nothing, Miko.

<B>Miko</B>: Don't lie to me. That's a cardinal sin.

<B>Tommy</B>: Lying to you specifically, or just lying in general?

<B>Miko</B>: In your case, both!

<B>Tommy</B>: Why in my case?

<B>Miko</B>: Because you're my tag partner.

<B>Tommy</B>: Oh, right. What's that Biblical verse again? "Thou shalt not lie, especially to those whom
thou tag wrestles with"?

<B>Miko</B>: I believe that's the one. Rondell 23:47.

<B>Tommy</B>: I don't remember any Rondell's in the Bible.

<B>Miko</B>: Really? That's odd, because I seem to remember four. You're memory is terrible.

<B>Tommy</B>: How did we get back to my memory?

<I>(At this point, Scott is just staring at the two of them arguing about random things. He goes to butt-in,
but decides against it, showing this by opening and then quickly closing his mouth. He continues to just
stand there.)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: I think this is important, Tommy. You might have Alzheimer's.

<B>Tommy</B>: Oh yeah? Well you might have Asperger's.

<B>Miko</B>: I don't think I've ever shown a single sign of having Asperger's.

<B>Tommy</B>: You make a fair point for once. That is...a fair point for a person with Asperger's
Syndrome!

<B>Miko</B>: You don't know what Asperger's Syndrome is, do you?

<B>Tommy</B>: Do you?

<B>Miko</B>: ...no.

<B>Tommy</B>: Well that makes three of us.

<B>Miko</B>: How do you know Scott doesn't know?

<B>Tommy</B>: Scott doesn't know anything.

<I>(At this point, Scott is completely confused by this conversation. He continues blankly staring and
shifting back and forth between Miko and Tommy, not caring that he's being blatantly insulted.)</I>

<B>Miko</B>: That's not a nice thing to say, Tommy. Especially not with Scott just standing there, looking
at us. Maybe you're the one with Asperger's Syndrome.

<B>Tommy</B>: I thought we agreed we didn't know what exactly that was.

<B>Miko</B>: Exactly! You don't know what it is; therefore it is very possible that you have it yourself!

<B>Tommy</B>: I'm not following.

<B>Miko</B>: Does a planet know what a moon is?

<B>Tommy</B>: I don't think planets, in themselves, can think, so I'd say no.

<B>Miko</B>: Well, it has them even though it doesn't know it.

<B>Tommy</B>: You think I'm the same with Asperger's?

<B>Miko</B>: You truly are a simple creature, aren't you?

<B>Tommy</B>: Did you just steal a line from a Kevin Smith movie?

<B>Miko</B>: Yeah, you like it?

<B>Tommy</B>: It's nice we have similar interests.

<B>Miko</B>: We're not a married couple, Tommy. It's not "nice"; it's convenient.

<B>Tommy</B>: What, convenient isn't nice?

<B>Miko</B>: Well, I mean, I suppose...

<B>Tommy</B>: See? Hey, did I just win an argument? This feels awesome!

<B>Miko</B>: With statements like that, maybe we are a married couple.

<B>Tommy</B>: If we are, I forget the wedding.

<B>Miko</B>: Back to your memory again, man?

<B>Tommy</B>: What can I say, I have a one-track mind.

<B>Miko</B>: Wait...why are we going along with the wedding thing? It definitely didn't happen.

<B>Tommy</B>: Yeah, it can't have happened...I've never even been to Vermont before.

<B>Miko</B>: I went there once, but that was during my Conservative days, so nothing possibly could
have happened.

<B>Tommy</B>: "Conservative days"?

<I>(Scott finally gets the courage to interrupt, shaking his head quickly ready to speak.)</I>

<B>Scott</B>: WHAT THE **** ARE YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT?!

<I>(Tommy and Miko both quickly turn their attention to Scott, both surprised by his outburst.)</I>

<B>Scott</B>: You both ask me here to do this interview, I ask one question, one simple question, and you
go on with a story that lasts longer than our entire allotted interview time, then you just keep talking after
the story, about garbage that nobody cares about, and I'm just sitting over hear, in utter shock, wasting my
valuable time listening to two boring bastards ***** about nothing! This is more pointless than the time my
grandmother and I had a conversation about which Osmond Sibling was more useless, and that was A
CONVERSATION ABOUT THINGS THAT ARE POINTLESS!

<B>Tommy</B>: Dude. Clam down. Do Buddy Cole, or something.

<B>Miko</B>: It's Scott Hudson, not Thompson.

<B>Tommy</B>: Oh, right. I was wondering why he was bald. In that case…chill out, Scotty.

<B>Scott</B>: It's just...it's just...GODDAMN!

<B>Tommy</B>: I didn't know you felt that way, Scott.

<B>Miko</B>: You should've said something.

<B>Tommy</B>: Yeah, it's terrible that your grandmother's the only one that will have full conversations
with you.

<B>Miko</B>: You really need a friend.

<B>Scott</B>: Jesus Christmas, did you two miss the point on that one.

<B>Tommy</B>: Yeah, so did your barber.

<B>Scott</B>: Was that a bald joke?

<B>Miko</B>: No, but this is: when I stand outside with you, Scott, I need to wear sunglasses so the sun
doesn't hurt my eyes!

<B>Scott</B>: Great, just great.

<B>Tommy</B>: Well, Miko, I guess we should try to be nice to Scott.

<B>Miko</B>: Why's that, Thomas?

<B>Tommy</B>: You see Mhikas, Scott lives with, and is the only friend of, his grandmother. So, we
should pity him, and give him what he wants.
<B>Miko</B>: Oh, I understand. Well Scott, what is it that you would like of us?

<B>Scott</B>: Well...I guess you could...answer a few questions.

<B>Miko</B>: It would be our honor.

<B>Tommy</B>: Truly a pleasure.

<B>Scott</B>: Um...try to keep it short, if you would. I don't have time for another epic. Anyway, the first
official question...what do you think of your opponents in this match, The Renegades?

<B>Miko</B>: Come on, what a weak name. Renegades.

<B>Tommy</B>: Yeah, who the hell names themselves after a show starring Lorenzo Lamas? He was a
cop, and good at his job. But then he committed the ultimate sin and testified against other cops - gone bad.
Cops who tried to kill him, but got the woman he loved instead. Framed for murder, now he prowls the
badlands. An outlaw hunting outlaws, a bounty hunter - a RENEGADE! Seriously, who thinks that’s cool? I
can’t think of a single Person. Not even Peter Criss. Miko, can you think of someone who finds that cool?

<B>Miko</B>: The Renegades that's who.

<I>(The two slap hands and laugh, as if they majorly insulted the Renegades.)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: But really Scott, it'd be best for us to explain our opponents individually. So, if you
would, one at a time.

<B>Scott</B>: Alrighty then...opponent one, "The Jamaican Sensation", Sharak.

<B>Tommy</B>: "The Jamaican Sensation"? I thought you smoked that.

<B>Miko</B>: Only if you're a bad person, Tommy.

<B>Tommy</B>: That's right, Miko. Good people don't smoke "The Jamaican Sensation". If you smoke it,
you may suffer from many problems, including memory loss.

<B>Miko</B>: That's the third mention of memory loss this evening.

<B>Tommy</B>: I don't smoke Sharak, though. That'd be creepy.

<B>Miko</B>: It would. I never thought the sentence "your ass is grass and I'm gonna smoke it" was
creepy, at least in a certain sense. In retrospect, I'd say it is.

<B>Tommy</B>: Indeed. X-Pac was a moron.

<B>Miko</B>: Quite.

<B>Scott</B>: Um...does that mean you're done with him?

<B>Tommy</B>: I guess so. It's not much to work with. What kind of name is Sharak? It sounds like the
name some rapper would give to himself just so he could say the world was under attack and the evil
terrorist, his name was Sharak!

<B>Miko</B>: Yeah, "Eminem" just doesn't have the same effect there.
<B>Tommy</B>: The world is under attack, and you better watch out Jack, the terrorist, he's practically a
femme, the evil male prostitute, his name is Eminem!

<B>Miko</B>: ...

<B>Tommy</B>: ...

<B>Scott</B>: ...

<B>Miko</B>: ...

<B>Tommy</B>: I know it's something you'd like to do, but I'd be much obliged if you didn't sue.

<B>Scott</B>: Um...yes. Your other opponent in the match would be The Rule.

<B>Miko</B>: What kind of name is The Rule?

<B>Tommy</B>: Yeah, what does he think he is, some kind of important law?

<B>Miko</B>: Since when was rule a noun, anyway?

<B>Tommy</B>: Ever since the Golden Rule was invented. It was decided that an verb could not be
followed by an adjective, so rule was made into a noun.

<B>Miko</B>: I think it's odd that The Golden Rule would have such an effect on people.

<B>Tommy</B>: Yeah, it's really amazing what a simply rule can do to people.

<B>Scott</B>: Uh...well then...since this is where we're inevitably going and neither of you can get the
proper transition, what is the golden rule?

<B>Miko</B>: The Golden Rule is: No fighting, under any circumstance! Unless pomp and circumstance
is involved, in which case it will be a graduation fight to the death! Whoever wins, burns his diploma in a
giant urn of money.

<I>(Miko slowly and confidently nods his head.)</I>

<B>Tommy</B>: No, the Golden Rule is: always wash your hands! It's such an obvious thing to follow!
With all the germs, and the matter of courtesy...come on!

<B>Miko</B>: No, Tommy, that's rule number 87. The First and Foremost Rule of Choices is as such, my
good man: Eating with the alligators' pen unlocked is strictly and utterly forbidden. Only in the West Wing
will such a thing be allowed. It's simple economics, really.

<B>Tommy</B>: Oh that's the Golden Rule? I thought that rule only applied in fantasylands, like Mordor,
Azkaban and Australia. Come on, it needs to be a real rule...like, follow your nose. Unless of course you're
in a public building.

<B>Miko</B>: Well, you're close. The REAL Golden Rule is that all buildings of the privatized sector-
corporations, shopping malls, factories that make those little connector things that you put on hoses in order
to get them onto the faucet outside, etceteras, must have at least five smoke detectors for every 15 square
feet. Actually, no…it’s for every 15 square cubits.

<B>Tommy</B>: Oh, come on. That's only a useful rule when there's a fire. What about that rule "always
talk before you think", huh? Cause if you think first and talk later, you might miss out on the opportunity to
be clever and then you just sound stupid. Even smoke detectors go by that rule! They never think when
they see smoke. It's never a matter of "Hey, maybe it's just the Marlboro Man"! It's always "holy **** there
might be a fire! AAAH! AAAH! AAAH! AAAH! AAAH! AAAH!"

<B>Miko</B>: That is an important rule, but it doesn't supercede the Golden Rule, which is to be quiet
while in libraries. People are trying to think, and study, and to learn, and you're noisy self is distracting that.
So, you best stay quiet.

<B>Tommy</B>: Miko, Miko...you're missing the point. You see, the Golden Rule is, as says in the
Flatpoint High Student Handbook, respect your elders. You should respect them, as they are older than you,
and therefore know more than you. Except for the ones that dropped out of school, and are therefore subject
to one free ass kicking.

<B>Miko</B>: Well Tommy that rule sounds fun, but it doesn't beat the most famous Golden Rule of all
Golden Rules, do unto others as you would do unto yourself. For if you do unto others as you don't want
done unto yourself, then you are a hippopotamus, and no one wants to clean up the mess they cause during
pregnancy.

<B>Tommy</B>: That is a rule to remember, but it is not quite as important as...

<I>(Tommy is interrupted by Scott Hudson gasping, and pointing behind Miko and Tommy. They both turn
around, and happily notice they're corner man for the evening: Chuck Norris! Chuck begins to speak)</I>

<B>Chuck</B>: Boys, boys, boys. None of those are the golden rules.

<B>Miko and Tommy</B>: They're not?

<B>Chuck</B>: Of course not!

<B>Miko</B>: Then what is, Mr. Norris?

<B>Chuck</B>: I like to think I summed up the Golden Rule best in Episode 508 of Walker, Texas
Ranger...

<B>Tommy</B>: "A Silent Cry"?

<B>Chuck</B>: That's right Tommy...as I was saying, the Golden Rule is..."Yeah, they're speaking to me.
But they're speaking in French, so I can't understand what they're saying."

<B>Tommy</B>: Oh, now I get it! Thank you, Chuck Norris!

<B>Miko</B>: Episode 508, huh?

<B>Chuck</B>: Yes, Miko.

<B>Miko</B> ...I had no idea...that the show even GOT that far...

<B>Chuck</B>: It had nine seasons, and a little over two-hundred episodes.

<B>Tommy</B>: It's beyond popular in Zimbabwe.

<B>Chuck</B>: That's right, Tommy.

<B>Miko</B>: Anyway, Chuck...are you ready to help us win the belts tonight?
<B>Chuck</B>: I guess so, boys, but I don't know why we're fighting for them. There's no reason to fight
these guys, no wrongs have been done.

<B>Tommy</B>: Yes Chuck, but your forgetting the <I>other</I> Golden Rule: the more ass you kick, the
more ass you kick.

<B>Miko</B>: Oh, right, THAT'S the rule! I can't believe I kept forgetting it.

<B>Chuck</B>: Well, I guess I understand Tommy. Let's go and talk about that match, see if we can get
you those belts, alright?

<B>Tommy</B>: Go, go Gadget Chuck Norris!

<I>(Tommy, Miko and Chuck, walk over, going over simple small talk. It doesn't take long for Tommy and
Miko to start arguing about something trivial yet again, with Chuck stuck in the middle trying to fix things
between them. The camera then quickly shifts over to Scott, who is once again staring in shock, wide-eyed.
The camera slowly shuts off, but as it's happening, Scott gets one more sentence out.)</I>

<B>Scott</B>: Who the hell was that?

<B>Kammy the Camera Koopa</B>: ****in' Chuck Norris!

<I>(The camera completely fades out.)</I>

<B>THIS IS THE END...NO MORE READING, MY FRIEND THE END</B>

<B>THE FINAL REFERENCE COUNT</B>: Walker, Texas Ranger, Late Night with Conan O'Brien,
Strangers with Candy, Renegade, Dogma, Kanyon, Robbie Knievel, Dodgeball, The Doors, Taco Bell,
Eminem, Grizzly Adams, Super Size Me, Brett Butler, Godzilla, the Osmonds, The Beatles, Twiggy
Ramirez, Gentle Ben, BJ and the Bear, Drew Carey, Inspector Gadget, Mario, Gunsmoke, There's
Something About Mary, Matt Dillon, the other Matt Dillon, X-Pac, The Kids in the Hall, the Bible, Peter
Criss, Family Guy, George of the Jungle, Moleworld, Family Matters, Jaleel White, Brett Butler III, NBC,
Hang Time, Saved by the Bell: The New Class, Full House, Grown Ups, Sonic the Hedgehog, “You’re a
Good Man, Charlie Brown!”, Bill Clinton, George Clinton, the Doppler effect, Roadrunner and Wile E.
Coyote, Bigg Jonn, John Cena, Sean Cage, Miko’s gimmick of slipping on banana peels, The Gate,
Backgammon: The Misfits, The Blue Meanie, Home Alone, the U.S.S.R., Josef Stalin, Superman, Walker
Texas Ranger, Budweiser, TLC matches, Cops, the narrator, super soakers, Champion of Legend, The
Sugarhill Gang, the Edge/Lita/Matt controversy, Masa, Billy Madison, USA Network, the FPV system,
Muse, HHH, Tootsie Pops, BMJ, Macguyver, WWEGSB, psxdude, Homestar Runner, Mortal Kombat,
Streets of Rage, Power Rangers, Charlemagne, Real TV, Godzilla, Voltron, the Texas Rangers, Optimus
Prime, possibly even more

<B>Final Note</B>: Kammy the Camera Koopa is just a title. It's really just a guy named Cameron that
loves Mario.

Okay. That should cover the title match and the first five defenses. See ya’ll next month.

Again, terribly sorry about the “…” problems.