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The Marks of Maturity You may have noticed a paradox that exists among students today.

Although there are exceptions to the rule, this generation of kids is advanced intellectually, but behind emotionally. From an intellectual perspective, students today have been exposed to so much more than I was growing upand far sooner, too. Theyve consumed information on everything from cyberspace to sexual techniques before they graduate from Middle School. Everything is coming at them sooner. Sociology professor Tony Campolo said, I am convinced we dont live in a generation of bad kids. We live in a generation of kids who know too much too soon. On the other hand, students have been stunted in their emotional maturity. They seem to require more time to actually grow up and prepare for the responsibility that comes with adulthood. This is a result of many factors, not the least of which is well-intentioned parents who hover over their kids not allowing them to experience the pain of maturation. Its like the child who tries to help the new butterfly break out of the cocoon, and realizes later that they have done a disservice to that butterfly. The butterfly is not strong enough to fly once it is free. There is another reason, however, that teens struggle with maturation. Scientists are gaining new insights into remarkable changes in teenagers brains that may explain why the teen years are so hard on young people and their parents. From ages 11-14, kids lose some of the connections between cells in the part of their brain that enables them to think clearly and make good decisions. Pruning the Brain What happens is that the brain is pruning itselfgoing through changes that will allow a young person to move into adult life effectively. Ineffective or weak brain connections are pruned in much the same way a gardener would prune a tree or bush, giving the plant a desired shape, says Alison Gopnik, Professor of Child Development at UC Berkley. Adolescents who are experiencing these brain changes can react emotionally, according to Ian Campbell, a neurologist at the U.C. Davis Sleep Research Laboratory. Mood swings, uncooperative and irresponsible attitudes can all be the result of these changes occurring. Sometimes, students cant explain why they feel the way they do. Their brain is changing from a child brain to an adult brain. Regions that specialize in language, for example, grow rapidly until about age 13 and then stop. The frontal lobes of the brain which are responsible for high level reasoning and decision making arent fully mature until the early 20s, according to Deborah Yurgelun-Todd, a neuroscientist at Harvards Brain Imaging Center. Theres a portion of time when the child part of the brain has been pruned, but the adult portion is not fully formed. They are in-between. They are informed but not prepared.

The bottom line? Students today are consuming information they arent completely ready to handle. The adult part of their brain is still forming and isnt ready to apply all that our society throws at it. Their mind takes it in and files it, but their will and emotions are not prepared to act on it in a healthy way. They can become paralyzed by all the content they consume. They want so much to be able to experience the world theyve seen on websites or heard on podcasts, but dont realize they are unprepared for that experience emotionally. They are truly in between a child and an adult. (This is the genius behind movie ratings and viewer discretion advisories on TV). I believe a healthy, mature student is one who has developed intellectually, volitionally, emotionally and spiritually. I also believe there are marks we can look for, as we coach them into maturity. Signs to Look For So what are the marks of maturity? We all love it when we see a young person who carries themselves well and shows signs of being mature. They interact with adults in an adult manner. Those kinds of students are downright refreshing. Let me give you a list of what I consider to be the marks of maturity. At Growing Leaders we seek to build these marks in young people, ages 16-24 as we partner with schools. This certainly isnt an exhaustive list, but it is a list of characteristics I notice in young people who are unusually mature, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. If you are a parentthis is a good list of qualities to begin developing in your child. If you are a coach, or a teacher or a dean, these are the signs we wish every student possessed when they graduate. For that matter, these are signs I wish every adult modeled for the generation coming behind them. 1. They are able to keep long-term commitments. One key signal of maturity is the ability to delay gratification. Part of this means a student is able to keep commitments even when they are no longer new or novel. They can commit to continue doing what is right even when they dont feel like it. 2. They are unshaken by flattery or criticism. As people mature, they sooner or later understand that nothing is as good as it seems and nothing is as bad as it seems. Mature people can receive compliments or criticism without letting it ruin them or sway them into a distorted view of themselves. They are secure in their identity. 3. They possess a spirit of humility. Humility parallels maturity. Humility isnt thinking less of yourself. It is thinking of yourself less. Mature people arent consumed with drawing attention to themselves. They see how others have contributed to their success and can even sincerely give honor to their Creator who gave them the talent. This is the opposite of arrogance. 4. Their decisions are based on character not feelings. Mature people students or adultslive by values. They have principles that guide their decisions. They are able to progress beyond merely reacting to lifes options, and be proactive as they live their life. Their character is master over their emotions.

5. They express gratitude consistently. I have found the more I mature, the more grateful I am, for both big and little things. Immature children presume they deserve everything good that happens to them. Mature people see the big picture and realize how good they have it, compared to most of the worlds population. 6. They prioritize others before themselves. A wise man once said: A mature person is one whose agenda revolves around others, not self. Certainly this can go to an extreme and be unhealthy, but I believe a pathway out of childishness is getting past your own desires and beginning to live to meet the needs of others less fortunate. 7. They seek wisdom before acting. Finally, a mature person is teachable. They dont presume they have all the answers. The wiser they get the more they realize they need more wisdom. Theyre not ashamed of seeking counsel from adults (teachers, parents, coaches) or from God, in prayer. Only the wise seek wisdom. Based on this list, are you mature? How about your students? Tim Elmore Adulthood, Maturity and Wisdom The Big 18!! Finally An Adult!! When I turned 18, you could legally vote, buy a six-pack of beer, and get killed for your country. There was no draft, thank God, because they wouldn't have wanted any of my friends in the military, although it would have done all of us a great deal of good to have the discipline that the armed forces would have instilled in us. We thought we were grown, but, oh how wrong we were. I got married a week after high school graduation (no, not pregnant, just IN LOVE...) and it lasted 4 years after 2 years of dating. The best thing I got out of that marriage was my first son, Jeremy. He and I kind of grew up together, me being 20 when I had him, and we have remained very close since. He is now married to a little spitfire named April who has tamed him down, and they have two beautiful daughters. Abbie, the oldest at 6, and Allie, nearly 2 years old. I love them all dearly and believe they love me. But what this is about is the difference between being legally an adult, being mature, and finally developing true wisdom. I believe people of all ages confuse these three all the time. As a result we begin to expect more or less out of people because of the level in life we think they have reached based on what age they are. I know that when I reached 18 I thought I knew everything. Looking back now, I realize just how dumb I really was. I thought that just because I had all these "legal" rights, that made me more mature. Maturity has nothing to do with any of that. Maturity comes from living and experiencing difficulties that life throws at you, and how you deal with those difficulties. I made most of my stupidest decisions when I thought I was both an adult and mature.

By the time I was 24 I had two children, a husband, and had been out on my own since the age of 17. I had learned how to function as an adult, such as running a household and being a mother and wife, but still I made a lot of mistakes in life because I made decisions based on emotion most of the time instead of logic. Looking back now, a cool head and taking some time before I acted could have saved both myself and others a lot of pain. From the time I was 18 to about the age of 38 or 40 is when having wisdom as well as becoming more mature could have saved me and others in my life a lot of pain and difficulties in life. The bad part was I thought I WAS acting with wisdom because I had been out on my own for so long. Again, I was sadly mistaken. 10 Signs of Maturity Time flies - we all know that; one day we're a teenager, and the next, we can't believe how teenagers are dressing. As we move into and live our adult lives, our circumstances change; we live in the grown-up world with grown-up responsibilities, jobs and children. These circumstances however, don't always mean that we act like grown-ups, and they don't guarantee an automatic maturity. So what does it mean to be mature? 10 Signs of Maturity 1. Integrity. Are my behaviors reflective of my values? Am I trustworthy, consistent, and do I keep my promises? 2. Composure. Am I able to control my emotions? Do I think before I act in order to make the best choices? 3. Accountability. Am I able to accept responsibility for my mistakes? Do I admit when I'm wrong? 4. Self-Worth. Do I believe and trust in myself? Do I stand behind my decisions and trust my instincts? 5. Generosity. Do I give as much as I take? Am I tuned into other peoples' needs as well as my own? 6. Commitment. Do I do what I can to see my relationships, tasks and goals through to the end? 7. Growth. Am I willing to continually grow and change with the challenges life brings me? 8. Peace. Have I made peace with my past so that it no longer controls me? Have I forgiven those I need to? 9. Prioritization. Am I able to distinguish what's important and what's not in my life? 10. Self-Love. Do I nurture myself in healthy ways? Do I take care of myself physically, mentally and emotionally? Maturity doesn't happen overnight, and is something we acquire through the experience of self-discovery. It's important we don't let ourselves remain within the stagnant and unhealthy patterns we often learn as children; everyone around us

benefits when we act with maturity, as our lives take on a higher quality and a deeper meaning. Are you Growing Up - or just Growing Old? Part of growing up is questioning our possibilities, proving our abilities and challenging our family's choices. Many people seem to stop growing up at some age, and cease maturing themselves. Some adults often behave like children or teenagers (and some countries seem to accept that as normal). One of our key questions is, "How old do they behave in their relationships?" Mature adults can cope with marriage, illness, divorce, parenthood, careers and unemployment. When mature people want help - they find help quickly. As much of our changework includes coaching people to enjoy mature relationships, we need to quickly assess a person's maturity. We ask questions like: 1. Do you accept reality as it is? 2. Do you adapt to changing realities? 3. Do you solve your problems promptly? 4. Do you cope with losses and setbacks? 5. Do you take responsibility for your finances? 6. Do you live realistically, conscious of your mortality? 7. Do you accept your age and continue your development? 8. Do you concern yourself with social problems and solutions? 9. Do you feel good about your successes and enjoy your relationships? 10. Do you stay in integrity, despite temptations, compromises and conflicts? Youth fades - immaturity lingers. Maturity is not a reward for good children or good students. Maturity isn't part of college graduation or military service. Some people mature early, and some seem to avoid it for decades. See Emotional Intelligence. Most young people have a sense of romance, a precursor of adult wisdom. Romantic idealism may be wonderful for teenagers - wisdom, clarity and wit can form a basis for maturity. Most children want to play with toys and most teenagers want to have fun. Mature adults want to live meaningful lives. Few people deliberately sabotage their own happiness. We find that childhood stress and relationship disappointments (such as abuse or covert incest) can cause attention deficit disorders that persist into adult life - when triggered by events that wake up a dissociated or split-off inner child. Can you recognize your immature habits. Can you change them? Maturity doesn't just happen. We coach and mentor people to mature.

Childish adults want toys, games and substitutes for parents. When immature people want help (often) they may act like needy children or helpless victims. Immature people need mature mentorship and to develop true self-esteem but seek shallow relationships and instant gratification. See Codependence. Emotional maturity seems to be a prerequisite for lasting happiness, and we associate it with self-esteem and a sense of integrity. We associate immaturity with unhealthy, codependent relationships. Youth Fades - Immaturity Lingers We bend our coaching to fit people - we do not bend people to fit our coaching! Immature behavior often seems to follow childhood trauma or inadequate parenting. Immature people often seem to be stuck at ages corresponding to unhealed abuse or unassimilated trauma. We coach people who want to change. One sign of maturity is that you can be right without needing to make others wrong. Mature people can retain or regain many of their youthful strengths. You can retain or regain your capacity for wonder, pleasure and playfulness, your affiliation and curiosity, and your idealism and passion. Our unique coaching can help you recover and integrate these qualities with your adult maturity, wisdom, knowledge and responsibility - with your strength and vision. Another sign of maturity is that you perceive your parents as ordinary people. Keys to emotional maturity include self-esteem, clarity and a stable sense of integrity. Then, dissolve mentor damage and find inspirational mentors for living the life you want. If you want to heal stress disorders, emotional blocks and fixations, we can help you. Key Qualities of Emotional Maturity Do you believe that you can learn and improve your emotional intelligence, or it is an inborn characteristic that you are stuck with? Can you identify, evaluate and manage your emotions? Identify - can you feel and label your own emotions? Evaluate - can you assess the benefits and consequences of acting on your feelings? Manage - can you choose how you react when you feel emotional? 1. Self-control: accepts and controls passions, emotions, desires, choose what is right

2. Wisdom: understanding; insight; learns from experience; appropriate decisions; handle stress 3. Responsibility: accountable for own actions, finances; work habits and reliability 4. Independence: make decisions and observes consequences - to make better decisions 5. Self-esteem: inner fulfillment, enjoys life, experience oneself as a source of love

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